Diary of a Fractured Woman: Rattling Cages 2008

I saw the New Year in alone with my youngest as usual. We had such a laugh after my usual crying my eyes out once the midnight chimes started. Eldest stayed in his bed as usual. The house was absolutely freezing because the boiler is broken so we're wearing jackets, hats and gloves on in the house.

2^nd January

I rang Environmental Health about us having a broken boiler and all my oil, €200 worth, now on the garage floor and the Lettings Agency are just ignoring my calls, my messages and my emails. He said he would contact them.

It's a brand new year and I'm taking no crap from anyone any more, the past couple of years have been tough but I'm still standing. I can still laugh, I can still put one foot in front of the other, my sons are as well as they can be and things could be worse so I'm going to try my best to be positive about everything no matter what happens. I feel different, stronger even, I've gone from being in control of nothing in my life re my marriage, not even allowed my own bank account for six years to facing every parents worst nightmare totally alone with no support or back-up or sounding board and I made it through, my family made it through and on we shall go.

First on the list was hospital for me re Rheumatoid Arthritis, it's not, which is huge relief, instead I have Osteo Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, I don't care, I'm off the crutches now after having to use them for a whole year and slowly getting stronger and more pain free. I have to avoid stress as this is a huge trigger. I nearly pissed myself laughing when I was told that.

I rang K of Irish Autism Action and asked him if he had any news of the bloke he thinks that could help my eldest, he said he'll let me know when he does hear anything, another one who appears not to give a shit.

I had a phone call from from the Letting Agency, telling me “I'm very disappointed in you for contacting the Environmental Officer” I told her “you try living in a freeze box for weeks and you lot did absolutely nothing despite being informed by me over many weeks and I sent photo’s of the €200 worth of oil all over the garage floor and seeped into the walls to show you how bad it was and I still got ignored” She said she will send someone out and will reimburse the cost of the oil lost then asked me why I was ringing the office and not her. I told her I pay rent to the office and not you. She is not a happy lady.

Still not a word out of B.M the solicitor re me asking for any update re the sale of the cottage.

Still no services, help, supports or education for my eldest from anyone, they have all dropped off the fucking planet. I reckon I would have to be related to someone in this country or have money to pay someone to get anything fucking done, it's not what you know it's who you know or who you can pay in this country. My son has a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome and ODD and is legally entitled to services yet he's getting none.

16^th January

The Lettings Agency have put a new boiler in for us and filled it with oil too. We are so happy to have heat again. Imagine leaving a family like that for weeks tho.

An email from the Estate Agent, the buyer has pulled out of buying the cottage due to getting no answers re all her questions and something about the wording on the deeds about the septic tank. I have no clue what this means but I'm gutted. It means we still cannot get permanent housing.

I had to cancel my first Legal Aid appointment, I had a college exam the same day, they said they'll send me out an new appointment.

I'm back in college and it's manic with all the work to be done, both homework and assignments and mock exams.

I saw a poor wee dog in the college, bedraggled, starving and soaked to the skin, it's wee tail was between it's legs and it was petrified. I got my scarf and put it around its neck to make a lead and brought it back to the house. I tried to feed it with everything, cat food, burgers, he would sniff but not eat but as soon as I made myself toast, he wanted that so I gave it half a loaf, the poor wee thing. I kept it in the house all night but he was whining the whole night. It must belong to someone because he can sit, lie down and roll over. I rang Patsy the dog warden and he said it would be re homed no bother because he's a small collie cross and lovely and placid. I still miss my dog so much.

My youngest went on a school trip to Dublin, we only just made the train on time in the morning. I told him any nonsense from anyone to him re the bullies, just to scream in their face and punch them so fucking hard because bullies are cowards and if he acted like them then he would be left alone. He said he'd get expelled if he did that, I said he'd only get a suspension but it would stop anyone from having a go at him and he was to make sure that he stayed near a teacher at all times.

When I collected him at the train station later that night his head was down and he was very quiet, I asked him what the matter was, he said he had a migraine, he never had a migraine in his life before. I wish he would just tell me what was going on but he won't talk about it. He said once we were out of the train station that all the pupils he just spent the day with are “all fucking retards” I do not like that word, it makes me flinch when he talks like that. I asked him had anyone picked on him, he told me no, he said he just hates them. He bought me soap from the Lush shop, bless him, he is such a lovely natured lad, I wish life was better for him.

I started work experience for six weeks for my college in two emergency men's homeless shelters. The two elderly men in charge who do different shifts said they have never had a woman there before and never anyone who did any cleaning or kept busy, I said I can't sit and do nothing, they said normally young guys from the college just go and sit in their office all day. I told them I would be bored rigid. They laughed when I started washing down the walls. I loved the place and all the clients in it too.

I had an appointment with that dreadful Inspector at Lone Parents for a review, she didn't turn up, I was fuming, the lovely big ginger hair lad was free so I asked him where she was, he said she went out, so I went mad about her and he got her on the phone and I spoke to her, I was not happy and told her so in full hearing of everyone waiting to be seen, the big ginger haired lad was pissing himself laughing, she at first denied sending me any letter at all, I told her I didn't say it was a letter, it was a compliments slip that came thru my door in an envelope. She then said she had sent me another to cancel, the stupid woman, first claiming she didn't send me an appointment and now she's saying she sent a cancellation. She also said you do not ever have a review if you're back in education. So she made a mistake but was not big enough to admit it, it took me a bloody hour to walk there and took me an hour to walk back so I missed 2 hours of college thanks to that idiotic woman. I told the big ginger haired bloke I'm raging and he laughed and said he heard every word I'd said and that I'm so right and on fire today. He made me chuckle.

22^nd February

A friend told me about Nua Health Care, a residential place many miles away that might help my eldest in all ways 24 hours per day and allow him to learn to be independent. When I spoke to my eldest about it, he said cool, when I asked if he wanted to go visit the place with me he said no, when I asked if he wanted to go to live in this place for at least 6 weeks and then return home he said maybe, so I went with my youngest on a 10 hour trip there and back to go and see the place for myself leaving my close friend T to pop in and out from the college to make sure my eldest was okay.

I detest travelling, especially for so long, we got a taxi to the train station then had a three hour train journey to Dublin then a train to the Red Cow roundabout to meet my friend, she has been my rock since before my eldest was diagnosed (when it was only fleetingly mentioned by the child psychologist) She is an amazing lady and it was fantastic to actually meet her in the flesh after a year plus of getting such good support from her via the phone. She is a Guardian Angel.

We travelled down to the residential place in Kildare in my friend's car and I got to meet the other residents who kindly showed us around the whole place and their bedrooms too, they talked to me about the workshops they also attend. We had some lunch and the place is beautiful, it's everything that anyone could ever want, even the bedrooms are first class but it still involves my eldest leaving home and moving there and my heart dropped It is a wonderful place but my heart is aching for my eldest and how he will cope. By god I have got to get tougher inside, I'm far too soft and emotional for my own good, it didn't help that I had my youngest in my ear telling me “no way is my eldest coming here” I got told by the staff about the angst my eldest would first feel and would show for the first two weeks but after that I was told he would settle down into a routine. I got told about the success stories and by god they were a success when I heard of those similar to my eldest but still I was hesitant. I need to get a grip of myself, I'm thinking of my feelings, this is for my eldest and he deserves this chance. I didn't get home till late, a 10 hour journey really tired me and my youngest out. my eldest was fine when I got back. T was waiting in the house to hear all my news and I filled her in quickly and she left and I went straight to bed but I woke up after only one hour of sleep. my eldest was still awake and I went to tell him about the place putting an emphasis on how he would react for the first two weeks getting used to the place but then he would settle down, he was fine about it, he was more fine than I was, as long as he had his computer he said, he will go anywhere.

It's my eldests 16^th birthday I got him an updated version of his old phone and put €100 on his 3V card and got him phone credit. I put photo's of him to the music of Guns and Roses “Sweet Child of Mine” and also R Kelly's “I believe I can fly” he loved that song when he was a child, and when it came on the radio he would look me straight in the eye and my heart would burst with happiness as he would be smiling at me, it was as if we could read one another's minds in just that flash, I cannot really explain it very well but I still see that moment in my minds eye all the time but especially when I hear that song. I cried my eyes out making that photo video for him. I love him so much yet he acts like he hates my guts. He's not in a good mood today. Nobody in this house can do anything right for him. my youngest told me not to upset myself and just ignore him. I wish it was as simple as that. My whole life would be fine if I could just switch off from him.

I'm taking action: The first place I rang was the psychiatrist’s office to set up a meeting and I asked the Autism People to come with me. M agreed to come with me. I thought of the last time I had asked her to go to the psych meeting I'd been summoned to when she told me she could not go and wouldn't be allowed to go but I kept my thoughts to myself, the other lady Anne Koash who made the comment about my son’s “attitude” has “left the workplace for a while” One thing I've noticed is these people who work for these agencies and in the HSE seem to have an awful lot of breaks, sick days and holidays. Maybe they get stressed out. I would love to put them in my shoes. That would show them all what stress really fucking means. They would not last two hours with what I have to put up with.

I contacted all my local area government people asking for their help and got letters of reply telling me they are representing me. I still have those letters but got no help at all. A shower of useless bastards.

I sent off six registered letters at a cost of €5.85 each to people at the top, in the government and to the Disability Health Manager, my letter was very long and I just poured out my heart and soul and begged them to help my eldest, to give him this chance to attend Nua Health Care. I explained all I had tried to do to get help and how all that had failed, I explained how life was for us all but specifically for my eldest and I was not going to allow anything to get in the way of proper, professional help for him again.

Sending those 6 recorded delivery letters cost me a fortune on such a low income. I followed up my posting of those letters with an email to the Disability Manager for a faster response and did not get a reply back as fast as I would have liked. Rudeness pisses me off big time, no matter who it comes from. I then asked for a reply by a certain date or I was going to go public, no way on earth did I want to do this but this was absolutely ridiculous. my eldest had not left his room or the house except for emergencies or moving houses, he's had no bloody education, people must now think he is a figment of my imagination and no one gives a crap about him, everyone in the medical sphere in my area knows about him because I've been very vocal but where is everyone, where are the professionals who are supposed to care, is that not why they took this career path, where the fuck are they all and why are they all still ignoring my begging for help for him and doing fuck all for my son.

This worm has turned and put on clogs and by Christ I will use them.

3^rd March

Off I went to see the Consultant psychiatrist with the Autism Services lady M. It was a relaxed meeting. I told the consultant psych where I'd visited (Nua Health Care) and that my eldest has agreed to give it a go and that I felt this was his last chance to get him back as he was before Dad. M of Autism Services was asked as to her service input and out of her mouth came nothing but absolute lies and I had really liked this girl, she told the consultant psych “the lad is violent and aggressive so we are quite fearful of sending anyone into the house” I butted in and told the consultant “that's a pack of lies and complete nonsense, this one and her colleague have not even set eyes on my son and if my eldest saying fast forward or I'm off was perceived to be violent and aggressive then god bloody help all you deal with and I'm not having anyone tell lies regarding my child and I want that noted and on record” The Psych then said that he would give me his “100% support” for this private residential place. M asked him “who's going to pay for this, who will be funding this” The Consultant told her “that's not relevant at this stage, the mother has tried everything she can to get her son help so I'm in full support if it helps because no one else has been able to, so I'm supporting her”

I was thrilled. I was over the moon and I couldn't wait to get home and tell my eldest, this was brilliant for his future. I left the meeting a very happy woman. I told my eldest when I got home but he thought it was happening this week and he was anxious, I told him it was only at the funding stage, he checked Nua Healcare online again then told me all subjects he wanted to study and sit exams in. I am so happy. He asked me what he would do if he didn't like the place, I told him to give it six weeks minimum and he could then come home if wasn't happy with the place because I'd been told that six weeks might just change his life for the better. It might change all our lives for the better.

4^th March

I had to leave my classes in college and go home because I'm an emotional wreck about everything. I got a call from the school to say that my youngest had “another accident” I didn't say a word I just ran over to him and he was in the foyer of the school in front of everyone and he was screaming the place down in pain. I couldn't get him to stand upright, he'd been shoved by someone from behind and landed into the corner edge of a table, he couldn't breathe properly and was doubled up in pain and not one member of staff was near him. Straight away the Deputy Vice Principal Joe walked towards me and when he saw me he said “it was an accident” I shouted “that's bollix and what's worse is you know it's bollix too so don't open your mouth to me again with your bullshit” he walked away. I started yelling at the students hanging around who were laughing at my youngest screaming and crying, to fuck off and go about their business or they would have me to deal with. They sloped off. Not one person offered to give us a lift or call a taxi or call an ambulance. I'm going to report this school and the scum responsible. Youngest cried all the way on the slow walk up to the hospital. The hospital thought he had cracked his sternum and that might have punctured his lung and I was distraught. The X rays were clear but he was still crying and was given strong pain killers and told his sternum was only bruised but told that it would feel as painful as an actual cracked sternum, his lungs thank god were fine. They asked me how many accidents my youngest has had in that school now, I told them three times and not one has been an accident at all, they said they know that, they then told me that if I was bringing my youngest in from home and not school, they would have reported it as a Child Protection Issue, I told them the school acts as loco parentis when the parent is not there, so go right ahead and report it, I got told it did not work like that, I said it bloody well should do.

I got an email from my half sister telling me my father died. He had a heart attack at home age 72. He was not a nice man at all, another dead beat who just got on with his life and a new wife and a new child and helped raise three that were not his own. The only thing nice I can remember about him was one of his favourite songs “Always and Forever” by Heatwave. He tried to kidnap me when I was fostered and visiting the convent to see my siblings and he hit me such a crack across my cheekbone because I refused to get into a car with him. I had the imprint of his hand on my cheek for hours afterwards. I will not be mourning him.

6th March

I asked T to take my youngest over to her house to give him a break and try and talk to him about all going on with him at school. She rang me up and said she's going to kill the students in his school, she said all the bullying has been going on since he first started the school. That he's had 6 months of non stop verbal and physical abuse and he did not tell me everything because he thinks I have enough worry about with my eldest. My poor child. I'm going to be had up for murder by the time I'm finished with that school.

7^th March

I sent M the education welfare officer a text about the bullying and emailed the Education Board about it.

10^th March

I took letters into the school addressed to the Principal and the Board of Managers. He wanted a meeting with me after he had read it.

RE: my youngest

Dear Mr McC,

I have detailed everything that has happened to my son whilst at your school.

3^rd December at 9.30am: Pupils throwing books at my youngest in class, they were not throwing them at anyone else. A book hit him in the face cutting under his eye and blackening his eye, the substitute teacher was not present at the time. He now has a scar.

10^th December at 9.45am: my youngest was tripped up in the main foyer of the school, directly outside the main office window by G, my youngest was walking to room 14 for his next lesson, I took him to casualty where he had an x-ray and told he had ruptured knee ligaments, he was given crutches to help him to walk. Sick note from casualty given to the school and the Garda.
18^th February at 11.30am: my youngest was tripped up in the Geography class room by D. He did not know who was responsible until told so by A. I informed the Deputy Principal and the Principal. He landed on the corner of a table which went into his chest and his right knee was swollen and bruised. When I arrived at the school I found him to be in a very distressed state, another visit to casualty for 4 hours resulted in an x-ray to his chest, we were told it was a bruised sternum and aggravation to his knee previously injured by ruptured ligaments. Another sick note from casualty was given to the school.

On each occasion I was told that these incidents had been investigated and the results were “accidents” except for the G incident. I have requested these “accident reports” both verbally last year in December and by letter last week, I am aware that my youngests Year Head is dealing with same. However other matters have come to light which tell me in no uncertain terms that none of the above were accidental at all but a sustained, consistent, vicious catalogue of bulling both physical and verbal all day and every day since he first started school in September only six months ago. My youngest cannot walk from one classroom to another without being called an English bastard, he has been assaulted by “almost the whole male student population bar 5”, he has been punched in the back, slapped on the back of the head, kicked in the thigh, punched on his arms and always whilst the corridors are busy so the culprits cannot be seen by him but there is CCTV in the corridors. These are frequent, every day occurrences, he has lost count of how many times per day he is assaulted. As if this was not enough for any child to put up with, R and G started “a rumour” which he will not divulge to me and all the students are now involved by saying it to his face all day and every day, second year, third year and fourth year male students are also involved in this, how he has put up with any of this I do not know. He told me he is the most hated kid in the school and he does not know why. Not one male student in his class will speak to him except to ridicule or hit him. My son is intelligent and wants to learn, he has excellent grades, he is polite, respectful and an eager pupil, he has done nothing wrong to anyone as its not in his nature nor in his upbringing but why should he suffer such appalling treatment? I feel angry and very sad that this has gone on unnoticed by anyone as I personally believe that teachers normally have eyes and ears in the back of their heads. Now that I'm aware of the truth, I do not feel that the school can protect the safety and health of my son and he will not be returning until this has been thoroughly investigated and dealt with. Copies of this letter will be going to The Board of Management, the Garda, Department of Education and the Education Welfare Officer"

17^th March

I volunteered at the Paddy's Day parade in town shaking a bucket to collect funds for next years float parade. I saw the bollix scum from my youngests school, five of them all pointing and laughing at me. I flew up towards them but they ran away still laughing.

18^th March

The Manager of Nua Health Care E.D. came to visit us at the house so he could talk to my eldest himself. He was booked into the hotel, two minutes away from where we lived, I was anxious that he didn't mention Aspergers to my eldest straight away, my eldest knew why he was coming and said he would "give the man ten minutes of my time and that is all" They ended up talking for over an hour, I stayed with them for 45 minutes then asked my eldest would it be okay if I left for a few minutes, he said yes so I did. Edward said to my eldest as I was leaving the room, “you and mum seem close, you must love her” my eldest replied “I don't love her” I went into the garden and cried, hearing him say that hurt me so much. I wish I had an invisible barrier up around me to protect my feelings. My eldest asked a lot of questions about the place he would be going to, he asked what education he would get, he asked did he have to socialise etc. he was told everything would be at his own pace and all that was asked of him was a stay of at least six weeks, he was told he would hate it at first, the difference from being at home and a new routine and a more structured life but it would all be at his own pace, my eldest was agreeable to it all. The only thing that irked me was E.D. telling my eldest that it was specifically for people / adults with Aspergers Syndrome, I thought my eldest would go mad at me when E.D. left but he was fine, he had something new to talk about and focus on and we spent a while afterwards talking about the place. I walked E.D back to his hotel, I was amazed that my eldest had agreed to meet with him, never mind for over an hour, I was so pleased that he did. E.D. told me my real fight would now begin because the place costs a fortune, how much I asked, I got told I would never be able to afford it, no parent could, I did not get told the cost, he said I would have to contact all professionals I'd been in touch with so far to get support and letters for my eldest to go to this place but he couldn't get involved because the HSE funds people that are already there. Good luck he told me and said he would be in touch later. Where do I start? Who do I contact? Who do I write to? He never told me.

31^st March

My youngest walked out of school after being followed by D and A and B and D, calling him “a dirty fucking emo” repeatedly.

3^rd April

I posted off by registered post, letters to Professor Drumme, Mary Harney, TD Jimmy Devins, TD Sean McManus, TD John Perry and Pat Dolan the Disability Manager.

In sheer frustration about my eldest I found all addresses for everyone in the HSE online and sent off a 7 page email to all in my area of my fight to get my eldest services and supports and funding for him to go to Nua Health Care before I fall apart or run away due to my eldest not going out for the past two years.

"Dear Sir/ Madam, I would like you to please take the time to read this letter and also the enclosed letter that was sent to Pat Dolan HSE Manager by email on 25th March and by post on 24th March which I have had no acknowledgement nor reply to. I also rang his office, left a message with my full details and have had no response to that either. I am extremely anxious that my son is in a situation where there has been no change for the past two years and included a suicide attempt by him. This to me, his mum, is a matter of urgency and I am requesting immediate action and response to ensure that he gets the help, support and funding that he needs and deserves which he is entitled to by law: Article 23 of UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRO) and Ireland.
1/ State parties recognise that a mentally or physically disabled child should enjoy a full and decent life, in conditions which ensures dignity, promote self- reliance and facilitate the child's active participation in the community.
2/ State parties recognise the right of the disabled child to special care and shall encourage and ensure the extension, subject to available resources, to the eligible child and those responsible for his, her care, of assistance for which application is made and which is appropriate to the child's condition and to the circumstances of the parents or others caring for the child.
I believe that Nua Health Care service is the only viable service available to my son in Ireland and will help him fully with his social incapacities and I ask you please to fully support my child's present and future as a matter of urgency. I would be grateful for a meeting with everyone involved to ensure expediency and request a time frame so that I do not lose any placement available for my son. My child deserves this chance as he has been let down by far too many adults in his life to date including myself. The consequences of not getting funding from the HSE for this service will be dire for us all as a family. I have another child that feels invisible due to all focus and attention on his brother and I believe that my own personal strength is depleting due to having no other way of life, except ensure my eldests safety and welfare since 2006. I would appreciate an immediate response please. Yours sincerely"

Pat Dolan is the Disability Manager and didn't even have the decency to reply to my letter:

"Dear Pat Dolan, I would like to request your support in funding for my son named above who has been diagnosed with Aspergers Sydrome and has spent the past almost two years with no interaction with anyone and no school which has had a serious impact on me and my younger son. My eldest also took an overdose of medication last year so I am on constant alert that he may try this again. I have found a service in County Kildare that would be suitable for my son and allow him to join the real world again and have a future. This service is Nua Health Care who are experts in dealing with and helping 16 years plus who have been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome who, for whatever reason have withdrawn from society. I visited one of their residential homes and met with the residents who were once as my son is now and they have an amazing success rate in helping these children re enter society, education and independent living. I have the support for this service from the psychiatric team. If I do not get this funding to help my child, his and our present and future is a bleak one and I would not wish how we live on anyone. My own personal strength is depleting as I need to continually be alert for my child. His younger brother has described our lives as a living death, a tragic statement for a 14 year old to make at such a young age. My eldest son has no life at present except within the four walls of his bedroom, he does not know how to get out of the situation but Nua Health Care do and want to help him and I would appreciate your support please as this is my last resort. God knows what we will do if I cannot get him help now. I cannot live this way of live another day, never mind another two years, I am not able for it and have no break whatsoever, my son is awake all night and asleep all day so my nerves are shot to pieces. I only want help for him, everyone else has tried and failed to help him but I know this will work as I have seen it with my own eyes. I have written a 5 page letter which includes a time line of all help I have sought for him since 2006. The Managing Director of Nua Health Care came to visit us last week and spoke to eldest for over an hour which was a miracle so he knows what this service is all about and asked lots of questions about it, so this is a positive reaction from him. Having Aspergers Syndrome simply means that he is extremely intelligent but has absolutely no social skills and this is what Nua Health Care teach and train, how to live independently, coping strategies for social occasions and returning to education and then employment. As our situation has gone on for this prolonged length of time I would appreciate if you could deal with it as a matter of urgency. I understand there is a place available immediately at Nua Health Care and the sooner there is appropriate help for my son the better chance he will be able to benefit from it. I am available to meet with you at the earliest possible time in the interest of my son's well being and also of myself and my youngest son. Please can you help us by supporting me in giving my child back a life outside his bedroom. Yours in anticipation"

5^th April

My eldest is being a twat. I had ironed his clothes and needed access to his wardrobe to put the clothes in because I knew if I just put them on a chair they would stay there for ever. He went mad at me, you would have thought I had asked him to walk on broken glass which was on top of hot coals, he went ballistic. I got called a “cunt” and “an evil bitch who deserves to die” he then barricaded his bedroom door with a chair. Pure panic took over, the last time he did this ended in him taking an overdose.

I rang the psych place, no one answered and there was no answer phone to leave a message and no other number provided to call if it was an emergency. I rang the hospital and asked to speak to the Duty Psychiatrist, a doctor Zemna came on the phone. I told him what happened the last time my son barricaded himself in his room and how worried sick I was about him, he told me to call the Garda, I asked him how that was helpful because it will make him freak out and what could the Garda do for someone with Autism. He then told me to make a doctors appointment and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for myself. I laughed out loud, I asked him if he was actually a Psychiatrist or someone just having a laugh. He put the phone down on me. I was shocked. I did not go near my eldest. What's that old saying, the lunatics have taken over the asylum. Once I had stopped freaking out all that I had to do was threaten to disconnect the broadband, but when you are in the thick of any crisis and alone it's really hard to think clearly and I dread to think what would have happened to my eldest if I'd called the law to the house as per the hospital Psychiatrists advice, it does not bare thinking about. This is how it affects you when you have no one else at home to talk to, to help you or support you. my eldest was not happy about me saying I would stop his internet access, he called me “an evil cunt” I told him to change the bloody record and to grow up and if he called me one more bad name I would disown him.

8^th April

M the Education Welfare officer came to the house to speak to my youngest re what we can do about the school, she tried talking my youngest into going back and said she would keep a close eye on everything over there. my youngest told her “Mum informed you the first time it happened and you did nothing” I was embarrassed about him saying that as out of all professionals I ever met M has been one decent girl and would go out of her way to help us all.

9^th April

I went with my youngest and the Education Welfare officer M to visit a local college for my youngest. To cut a long story short, we were told “we cannot guarantee his safety because this is a small place, all would know one another, bullying to that extent will follow him” I couldn't believe they were just accepting that as a fact of life, it's bloody disgusting. My youngest got very upset at the mention of counselling. To me, that just meant they can do nothing about the bullying but hold on, we will give you counselling so you can talk about the shit you are made to go thru, it's appalling that this is what they want him to do, that this is their only solution. Crazy does not even describe it.

My youngest decided to try and go back to school. I went into the school at 8.30am and told the Principal that my youngest is coming back and nothing had better happen to him or my next step would be a solicitor and he had not to mention the word counselling to him ever.

I was in a meeting with N in town when the Principal rang me and said “he is very upset because pupils he doesn't even know were calling out to him it's the emo, the dirty emo, dirty fucking emo, English bastard, go kill yourself, they were demanding to see his wrists to check if he was slitting them” but instead of the school ringing me straight away as my youngest had asked the Principal to do, the Principal and Mrs C took him into the staff office and tried pushing my youngest into having counselling but my youngest found his voice and told the Principal “it's the bullies who need counselling, not me” and “I think you would rather get rid of the problem instead of doing your job and dealing with the actual problem” and “you know all this is going on and you're just ignoring it because I saw you look straight into my eyes when I was pushed then tripped up in the hallway” by the 16 year old “and you just turned your head the other way and walked off” The Principal denied all this. my youngest asked him “why would I lie about it” and said “the school has CCTV if you care to get it out and view it” That was when I got the phone call from the Principal.

The Principal took me aside when I got to the school and told me “he has problems and trusts no one” I asked him “are you joking, he has problems at this school due to the pupils who are frigging bullying him and hurting him so much he's been in casualty three times now so why should he trust any of you, especially you who's supposed to be in charge here” I told him “the hospital staff asked me had my youngest ever had three accidents at home in quick succession and when told no they said if he had done they would be recording it as a child protection issue, yet here you stand having done nothing and you let those bad bastards away with all they have done to my my youngest who according to your staff is an asset to this school, is a grade A student, well behaved, polite, does his work, never cheeks any teacher, has my son to be like the feral kids you are letting assault him, is that what you want, my son is hounded on a daily basis, his life has been made hell, he tells me he is the most hated boy in the school and he doesn't know why and neither do I, because he is the nicest lad on the planet and his only problem was me bringing him to this feral school in the first place and you are a bleeding disgrace of a man” He said “Perhaps he will be happier elsewhere, I will give him a good reference” I was fucking dumbfounded at him saying that and told him “stick your school and your reference right up your ass and swivel and I hope it hurts” What a cowardly bastard of a man. I yelled at my youngest “get home with me now” and I shouted for all to hear me “I'm sorry I ever brought you back here and to this shitty scum-bag of a school” My youngest said “I'm proud of you” I told him “if you could talk to the Principal like I was just told you did before I arrived then you are capable of dealing with scum the same way”

I received a reply in response to my email and letter from someone on behalf of Pat Dolan the Disability Manager.

"Anne, I wish to acknowledge the receipt of your email hereunder in relation to your son. I have forwarded same to Anne Kelly, Principal Social Worker and she will be in contact with you in the next day or two. Regards"

14^th April

I rang a Grammar school after L told me they took gifted students, they had no free places and a very long waiting list.

It's my youngests 15^th birthday. I took him to town and he chose a nice ring, I got it engraved with today's date and gave him €100 too. Text came from the ex, I was shocked about that thinking he was sending a happy birthday message for my youngest for once. No chance, he just told me there were more problems with the land registry. My youngest got no happy birthday message in any way, shape or form. I utterly detest that the man has no love at all for his son.

I sent an email reply to the person who sent me a reply on behalf of Pat Dolan Disability Manager:

"Thank you. Would you be so kind to pass this on to Pat Dolan. I cannot understand the lack of response regarding my letter 25th March which if read, clearly shows the urgency for a response. I am in contact with Anne Kelly but I ask you, why is this relevant, my son has a disability of Aspergers Syndrome, there is no service for my child here or I would have had some sort of help for him by now which is why I wrote to you, to no avail. At the risk of boring you to death, I have located a service for my son, they have a vacancy and I explained a response was urgent, my letter was sent 3 weeks ago. Social work intervention is not appropriate for my son who has a disability which has caused him not to leave the house or his room for almost two years, so why have you not had the decency to reply to my request that was addressed to you. Why am I being ignored yet again. I have already stressed the importance of timing for this intervention and I am dismayed and frustrated at the lack of any answer from you. If I again have no reply, I am seeking legal advice forthwith and will be going public if need be. It is a disgrace that a mother can write the letter I did, to strangers to me, who have not had the decency to reply when I was informed by psychiatric services it is you whom I should write to. Why on earth would my son need a social worker, we have been there and done that and got absolutely no help and why would we given the fact there is no Aspergers Syndrome help available here. Are social workers now trained in Aspergers Sydrome because I am completely unaware of this and none have been knocking at my door to offer their expertise. As you are no doubt aware, I am now extremely frustrated and annoyed that you could simply ignore my letter re request for funding for my child who needs and deserves it. Far too many professionals have let him down and I will not wait for others to do the same. Just what will it take to get the meeting I requested, is it normal to ignore recorded delivery letters, I ask in all honesty as I have not had to do this before but as a mother of a child clearly in need of expert help re his disability I will not let this rest until I have a reply from yourself. You are not alone in ignoring me, only two people did respond to my letter. Two years = 24 months = 730 days since my child had the sun on his face, since he went outside, since he participated in life outside of home. He has already had one suicide attempt at age 15, a child trying to kill himself and you cannot reply to my letter. I will not be begging you anymore. I am a lone parent who wants the best for her child who has an IQ of 134. I will be contacting a solicitor if I still hear nothing by 5pm on Friday 18th April.

18th April

Reply from Pat Dolan: Dear Anne, I wish to acknowledge receipt of your last email. In respect of your queries, the process proposed with the multidisciplinary team is deemed as best practice and the most appropriate process to put together a package of care for you son. The outcome of the multidisciplinary team discussion and communication with your goodself will determine the package of care. No decision on your request for funding for a residential placement can be made until the team has met and recommendations have been considered. I am conscious that this is a very difficult time for you and your family and the HSE is very anxious that we expediate this process as a matter of urgency. I have asked Anne Kelly, Principal Social Worker to co-ordinate the multidisciplinary team meeting and Anne has advised me that she has been in contact with you in this regard. Regards. Pat Dolan"

After everything I said about social work and I also poured my guts out to him about my eldest, my youngest and me and that is the best reply he could give me. It's not on.

24^th April

I ran home from my college course to check on my sons and on leaving the house to go back to the college, the school kids from my youngests class saw me walk out of the house and were across the road from me chanting my surname continually at me. I roared at them and they all went quiet but as soon as I crossed the road to go over to the school they were again chanting my surname again. I went straight into the school office and got the Principal, I told him what just happened and he asked me “are you sure it was our pupils” I asked him “do you think I'm stupid, it's the same four pupils that were my son's “friends” when he first started the school and who the hell else would know my surname” He pulled out a photograph book of my son's class and asked me to point out the pupils I saw. I'd already told him their bloody names. The man is an idiot, all he wants is a quiet life. I told him my neighbour is the Editor of the local newspaper and if he didn't put a stop to this harassment I will make sure his school and all his neglect will be on the front page of next weeks paper and I stormed out. How the hell can I continue with my PLC course at this school plus his frigging wife is my class tutor.

I rang the Garda again, I asked for my Garda J.C, I got told he wasn't in. I told them I'm sick of waiting on calls back from him and asked had he become the bloody invisible man, the person at the end of the phone wasn't happy. I was then put thru to the desk Sergeant, he said “I rang you myself and left a voice mail” I told him “you did no such thing because I have no voice mail set up on my phone otherwise I would not still be chasing this” He told me nothing but utter rubbish, he said “we have to send a report about your son's statement of assault to Dublin and await direction from Youth Services which could take months and months” So my kid was assaulted not once but three times causing serious injury and pain and accident and emergency visits and no one gives a shit. I told him “expect a letter of complaint, you should be ashamed of yourselves”

The school pupils have been throwing stones at our windows and house. I will swing for them. I'm sick of all this fighting I have to do.

25th April

I went to Enniskillan with my youngest. B.M the solicitor rang me, she said she can't get any info out of M.C, the solicitor we used when we bought the cottage re the Land Registry on the cottage, she said he will not reply to her and was told he wouldn't speak to her so she wants me to write a letter to her stating that I want to know who to contact in the Law Society about him and see if that stirs him. I don't play stupid mind games so I sent him an email directly. That seemed to work because I got an email from W, B.M's secretary to say that M. C had rang her, he'd replied that the only thing holding everything up was the money he's claiming he was owed by us. I rang M. C up, he wouldn't take my call, the woman on the phone actually told me “he doesn't want to speak to you” I told her “he talks to me or he talks to the Law Society” He then came straight on the phone to me. I asked him “why have you sat on your hands and did nothing about getting our names on the Land Registry three years ago, I was in your office and told by you that you would take care of everything and I clearly remember you being paid in cash and in full so cut your crap as there's no more money to be had” he told me “I will re check the file and get back to you” I never heard from that prick again.

7^th May

Anne Kelly, Head of Social Work, came to the house in response to the email I sent to Pat Dolan the Disability Health Manager threatening to go public because another four weeks had gone by and I tried to call everyone re professionals and not had any reply back, they were either on a call, on holiday or I got the classic “will call you back” and no call was ever returned so I'm going ballistic now, absolutely fucking ballistic.

This lady, Anne Kelly was very warm and friendly, she said “I understand your reasons for going mad at everyone as any mother would and my job is to find all the relevant people to come and help and support you all, it will take two weeks to get a team together” and “no” she assured me “I will not forget your existence” she gave me her mobile number to “call me at any time” and I thought this is fantastic, things are now moving. It then dawned on me that this was the very lady, the boss who was forwarded the email I sent to the council saying Del was of no use and that was 2 years ago, I knew her name rang a bell. I think only for the fact that I'm now like a wasp in their ears are they having to be seen to be doing something. And then I heard nothing from no one.

11^th May

It's 3am and I'm awake and up, I cannot sleep and nor can my youngest or my eldest. College is now finished and I loved it. I made good friends in the young girls. They had great fun going out and partying. I cannot remember ever doing that, mind you I was 28 before I had weekend drinks with my Irish friend V every Friday in London, that was our night out, at home, as we were tied to the house with our kids. I would make us all dinner every Friday night, we would have sweets and a game to play with our kids then when the kids where in bed we would have four drinks each and a Walnut Whip, I hated the walnut on the top and V loved it so I would always give to her. I had almost forgot the laughs we had in those high rise flats, I had great friends and neighbours there. It was a great community, we all looked out for one another. I remember the lifts always broke down and got peed in, dreadful old things they were. The flats were 28 floors high and a lot of elderly people lived way up there, when I saw one poor old dear wet herself because she would never have got up those stairs with no lift, I went mad and started a petition getting all the neighbours to sign it and gave it to the Gazette who ran the story, the place eventually got renovated.

I won't know my exam results until the end of July but I know I've passed. I just need to wait and see if I have enough points for college.

Had a call from R.C who works for Irish Autism Action offering me a part time degree course paid by them in Advocacy Studies for the Disability Sector. K.W gave her my name. I was almost in tears at such a wonderful opportunity. The only down side is I'm not allowed to work for anyone else if I do it and it will only be on an as needed basis with them and paid when they do use me. I was told it will mean I can help families like mine. I feel honoured to be asked.

I rang the court, the court clerk said “I've gotta start with the shagging phone calls and the letters all over again” He sounded exasperated. I felt like saying you get paid to do what you do so stop moaning and put the law in place and you should try being me.

Text from the ex “court just rang me, I will have to ask K what's going on when he comes out of his meeting”

Court clerk rings me again “I have torn strips off him, he said there was a glitch, he said he will pay you two weeks next week, is that okay sweetheart” No it's not but what the frig can I do.

12^th May

Five days now since I saw Anne Kelly, she gave me her mobile number but will not answer when I ring or reply to the messages I leave for her. Not one professional has rang or knocked on our door. I think all these fools in their ivory towers should climb down and see what the hell is going on in people's lives instead of throwing protective barriers around themselves to protect their very well paid jobs and their lazy fat arses.

M the education welfare lady rang me re my voice mail telling her I've taken my youngest out of that school for his own safety and protection because the school cannot ensure it. I told her “I've asked the school twice now for school work for him to do at home to keep up with his studies” she said “I rang them about this and I was told they've already provided him with home work” The lying bastards, they have not given him any work at all. Before she got off the phone, she said “nice of Anne Kelly to add me to a meeting without asking me first” so Anne Kelly is calling a meeting is she, I told M, “she hasn't bloody informed me about it at all”

My youngest woke me up at 1am in the morning, he was distraught and crying, Gizmo and Scamp the cats are dead, they'd been run over on the main road. Gizmo is the tiniest, gentlest and soppiest cat we ever had, Scamp is just a big scared fur-ball, whenever he saw me he would roll onto his back so I could rub his soft belly, it was his sign of trust in me, I'm fucking distraught. I couldn't lift Gizmo off the road. Scamp had tried to get home, he was in the driveway of the house, I cannot get the vision of him trying to get back to us after being run over out of my mind, I keep crying. I don't want to leave them out there in the hot weather but I can't move them and I've no one to ring up to come and help me. My eldest told me he wont help because “I'm not touching fucking dead animals” my youngest couldn't help because he didn't want to see their injury’s. I cried at my own cowardice and for the poor defenceless creatures and for our lives.

My youngest went mental in the afternoon, he wouldn't go outside because the cats were still in the main road and in the drive way of the house. The school kids from his class were throwing stones at Scamp's body, youngest saw them from his bedroom window. By the time I ran outside the pupils were gone. I covered Scamp's body with a towel and saw that someone has moved Gizmo's body from the main road. I saw two young men walk by the house and asked them to please help me, they were worse than me but I got Scamp's body into a bag with their support but not their help because they were incapable of helping, bless them. I put Scamp under a tree and covered him with bark, pebbles and my tears.

18^th May

Woke up at 5.30am, my head is spinning with worry. I have no one left to contact to help my eldest. I've been told more fairy tales than in a Hans Christian Anderson book. I told my eldest I'm taking him to the doctor because he's more in the bed than out of it and I want him to have a check up, I told him he might be a little depressed as anyone would be in his situation and it's time to get a helping hand, he told me “I'm going nowhere, get out of my room and just fuck off” He's been off his food for five days now, he just keeps saying “I'm not hungry, I'm just tired” I do not know what the hell to do. This is soul destroying, I go out and get food in, I make his meals and he doesn't eat them. The worry will give me a heart attack. I'm going to email Pat Dolan and tell him what I think about him having the cheek to be a Disability Manager and not give a shit about the people who have a Disability and also tell him he needs to be sacked.

I wish my eldest was back to his normal self as he was before all the crap with his dad, yes he was always difficult and explosive but at least he was in school, he was out and about and not stuck in a house for two damn years. I would sell my soul for him to be like that again. Everyone knows he needs help so why aren't they helping him? Why is he not helping himself? My life should have started when I left that schizoid man, look at me, still no life, still stuck and trapped in a house, my friends and acquaintances out grabbing life by the balls and enjoying it, that's what life's all about, making the most of it because you don't know when it will stop, we all only have one life. I'm apparently not allowed to live mine as I like. My poor youngests life is crap too and no one cares about him except me, he has no school, he has no friends, he has no outside of house life at all, all he has is me, what kind of life is that for a teenage boy.

19^th May

Everybody in this place has failed us, it's time I stood up and was heard and by god am I going to roar as loud as a fucking lion.

I rang the Psychiatric team and asked for an urgent appointment. I was told Dr Creane was in a meeting and will return my call when he's finished.

My son has Autism which is not a psychiatric illness but that's who I'm told to ring. The Autism Service do not give any kind of shit at all about my son, they have come up with sweet fuck all as to how to help him or give him an education.

I rang M the Education Welfare Officer. She told me she contacted the previous school my youngest went to and they will be delighted to have him back but the first train from here means he will be late in the mornings but he's not to worry about that because they will accommodate that happening. M has tried to contact Anne Kelly but no one has answered the phone to her repeated calls to them, so she left a voice mail. My youngest said no way is he going into the school late because everyone will know. God give me bloody strength, people are now bending over backwards to accommodate him and he still isn't happy.

I rang Mary Harney's office, she's the Minister for Health in the Dial. I explained to the secretary that I'd received a letter from her private secretary saying Brendan Smith would be contacting me directly but I've heard nothing at all. The woman asked me “is this about your son” I asked if she was psychic because I hadn't said anything except give my name and address and about the letter I received from their office. She told me “there's been a Cabinet re shuffle and Barry Andrews is now the Minister, I will ring his private secretary and get them to contact you” No one ever contacted me.

I rang the office Anne Kelly works in. A woman called Anne answered but she was not Anne Kelly, I was told she was in a meeting. I said I'd also called twice last week and had not received any return call, she said she would pass the message on.

I rang the Dept of Education and Science and asked for advice on how to make a formal complaint about my youngests school after following the normal guideline and getting nowhere. A lady called P.F said “it's all dreadful” after I had filled her in of all going on with my youngest at the school, she told me she'd only started work one week ago and some of the stories she had been hearing from parents about their children being bullied at school were heart breaking and appalling. She told me to send her a covering letter plus the copies I've sent into the school and the Board of Management and she will look into it for me. She did look into it, she wrote to the school, the school replied denying it was anything other than accidents. I replied saying that's crap and I'd recorded the Principal on my phone admitting my son “ is having a rough old time of it” That man has no balls or morals or conscious at all.

Took my youngest into town to the cafe where we had tea, coke and cake. On the way back to the house my youngest asked me what the time was. I asked him did he have some place to get to and it was 1.15pm, he said the schools pupils would be out for lunch, the poor boy was scared in case we met them and I was fuming because he's now scared to walk in the bloody street. I told him I would take care of them if we saw them. We did see them when we walked up the road to our house, four of them walking towards us, my youngest wanted to cross the road, I said do not dare or they have won, just stay beside me, I got my mobile phone out and started filming them, holding it out in front of me so they knew what I was doing. They said not one word and they all crossed the road yelling “wanker” at a speeding car. How the hell can we now live here like this.

2.15pm and no one has returned my call so I got on phone again to all professionals. I do not care how much of a nuisance I'm making of myself.

The psych place told me Dr Creane was still busy, I said so am I and I need a call back today. He did call me back, I told him about the farce with the hospitals and what a Dr Zemna had said. Dr Creane said “under no circumstances should you call the Garda, it would make everything much worse for your eldest” instead he told me “get your eldest to casualty for an assessment” I said “are you completely mad, my eldest does not leave the damn house which you know” he said “I said that more to put your mind at ease” I reminded him he told me that my eldest has a disability and not a mental illness, he said “Ah yes, I will talk to Consultant McDwyer” I said “whilst we are on the subject I would like to see a copy of the letter the Consultant said he was sending to Pat Dolan about funding for Nua Health Care or I'm going to shout it from the roof tops that no one cares at all” He said “these things take time” I said “what two bloody years since this started, you have got to be joking me” He said “I will see if the Consultant will provide you with a copy of the letter” I said “quit the talk about see, tell him I'm demanding a copy of the letter” What a complete waste of my time and energy.

I got thru to Anne Kelly. I asked her “what's going on and why no one has been in touch with me to help my son” She told me she would call me back. FFS.

I sent another email to Pat Dolan, the Disability Manager venting my fury about them all:

"Dear Mr Dolan, I met with Anne Kelly on 7/5/08 and she had a piece of paper called a Family Support Plan with 13 agencies named to give us practical help and support. I was told that it took two weeks to gather this information and these people who were all named on the list would be available immediately and therafter meetings would be held every three months to see how it was going. I have heard nothing, nearly two weeks later and I am stunned, extremely disappointed and very angry and sick of hearing more fairy tales than is contained in a Hans Christian Anderson book. I have called Anne Kelly's office twice today so far and still not had a return call. I also rang last week and was told that someone would return my call, that also did not happen. I have now contacted Barry Andrew's, minister responsible for children, I am not going to disappear, my son's human rights are not being met by anyone and I am offended by your reply to TD Seam McManus where you stated that my family have had HSE support the past two years. In my original letter to you I named every professional that I had seen and their response. I do not consider that support, nor receiving a so called Family Support Plan and absolutely no one on this plan contacted me at all. I now believe there is no such support for my son and never will be although it does look good on paper. There is not even a telephone number next to these names for me to contact directly. I have been very patient given the circumstances and severe stress I am under on an hourly, daily, yearly basis. I am again requesting funding for my son to attend the residential premises of Nua Health Care. I have the support of my son's psychiatric team who diagnosed him with Aspergers Syndrome and who know how difficult life is for him and for us. I am never lost for words but the promises and the fairy tales I have had to listen to have rendered me speechless It is time that somone else with authority and experience deals with all this nonsense on my son's behalf"

20 minutes later I got a phone call:
“Is that Mrs. I'm Emlyn Hughes, your son's Social Worker, can you meet me on Wednesday 28^th” He sounded very stern, not even a hello out of him, not an, I have been allocated to meet you, no friendly voice. This can only mean one thing, I'm pissing them all off big time, well good and tough shit because they've all pissed me off for two damn years. Why the hell has my eldest nor I been informed he has a Social Worker. Its now like me v them. Why?

I'm not giving up this fight for my eldest, they are all in the wrong and someone should have done something when he took that overdose. A support plan that I was told was made should be up and running by now but sod all has been done about it. How dare they all do nothing for him. I have nothing to lose and can only gain services, supports and help that my eldest so obviously needs. What part of we have a boy here who has not left the house except to move house for 2 years, we have a boy here who has been diagnosed with a Disability of Autism and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, we have a boy here who took an overdose and he told the hospital Psychiatrist that he will keep on trying till he succeeds in killing himself and the many ways he will try to do so and the useless prick of of a psychiatrist just told me what he wanted me to write and sign. What part of we have a mother here not from this country so has no one to support her except agencies she has befriended and we have a brother here bullied out of school and also now at home living in such a tense and and un-normal home environment. They are all dopes. Fucking dopes.

20^th May

I now believe I've been told all kinds of bullshit to shut me up so I'm not taking it any more and have an appointment with a solicitor today.

At 2.30pm. I rang Dr Creane and asked him “where are the services for my son” I told him about my eldests horrible treatment towards me, my worry about my youngest and all that those bastards at school have done to my youngest, about my finances, about court and no maintenance, fighting to get the court to deal with it, fighting to get housing, fighting to get my eldest services, help and support. Dr Creane said “I will ensure that Consultant Don McDwyer is told about your call when he's in on Friday” I'm talking to a fucking brick wall.

Letter from college, they have a place for me on their Social Studies degree course.

I met the solicitor and she was just lovely, she took all the history from start to present. She said “it's awful for you all, I have many clients with similar stories and the only difficulty is the HSE think they will never lose another case after winning a Supreme Court Case against a family with a child with Autism” (I have no idea what that's about) She said “let me think about it, let me think about the best course of action to take” and she told me to ring her on Friday. I was there for one and a half hours. I'm hoping and praying that at the very least she can write a letter to the HSE informing them I've sought legal representation to stop all their neglect, their blatant lies and their bullshit.

I feel like giving up, walking away, it's been said to me because then these professionals would then be forced to step in, but how in god's name could I live with that, I know I could not do so but there is only so much one person can take, can carry, can cope with alone without family or friends to off load to, to share the burden. I have now lost count of the times I have asked all involved to ring me at least once a week so I can chat to someone, for someone out there to care enough to ask if we are okay, just someone to care enough to know that we exist but again it never happened, how can I be so invisible when I am so vocal and now also threatening them all.

27^th May

I was continually chasing up the psychiatric office for a copy of the letter of support I was told would be sent regarding the private residential place Nua Health Care and was on my land line phone talking to N when I got a call back from the Consultant Psychiatrist Don McDwyer.

I asked him “can I have a copy of the letter of support, I now have a solicitor and I want to give it to her” he said “off course you can but you're not going to read what you were expecting” I took a very deep breath then asked him to tell me what the hell was going on. His letter of 100% support does not exist, it has been changed to asking for family support in the home, which changes absolutely nothing, it's supposed to be in place now and not one fucker has been near us, not one.

I was stunned, absolutely stunned, he really took the wind out of me, I was not expecting any of this, then I lost it. I asked him “why did you say what you said to me front of M from Autism Services, what changed your mind, why have you changed your mind, do you not care at all” He said “Nua Health Care is new and I'm not clear about the credentials of the staff employed there” I said “ this is not about you, nor I, nor bloody credentials which is all too easy to check because you can't even get a cleaning job these days without Garda Clearance, this is about my son who no one gives a crap about and if you are so pro an outreach service to keep me and my son exactly how we're living at present, then where the bloody hell is it, where is the frigging support, no one is banging down our door to ask if we're all okay, if we want to live this way, if we can carry on living in this sheer horror of total isolation, fuck me, its just like living with my ex and it took me 17 years to find the courage to leave him, I do not want to live like this” He went on to tell me “I told you all this at our last meeting on March 3^rd. I said “I must have been at a different meeting because I remember clearly what was said and what was not said, I'm no idiot and nor is there anything wrong with my hearing” I repeated my request for a copy of his letter that I had stupidly thought was coming my way and told him “I will be contacting the solicitor now and give her the true version of events, I don't like liars, I never have and I never will” and I slammed the phone down on him and burst in tears.

It was a long time coming I suppose but when I hung up on that lying bastard of a consultant, I burst into tears, which then became a torrent of sobbing and heaving from the pit of my stomach I could not stop it, all this pent up, painful, angry, emotion just gushed out of me. I felt like it was all over, there will be no help ever, if a professional of his calibre can lie to me in the bare faced way he just did, what chance does a person like me have. I'm just a mum. If he in his chosen profession (and to my simple mind that should surely mean there is trust between professional and client) cannot be trusted, then who the hell can I trust to do the right thing. I feel so let down. I've also been made to look like a complete arse by him because all my letters to the government etc. all written by my own hand said "I have the full support of Consultant Don McDwyer for my son" that lying bastard has now made a liar out of me when the only damn liar is him. I only wrote that to them all because it's what he told me to my damn face and now he has retracted it, what a bastard. I shall never trust one of them again, never, all gloves are off, they want a fight then they will get one.

I couldn't stop pacing, I do this when I'm very stressed. I felt like a caged animal and couldn't even go out on my daily trip to the shops because my eyes were so swollen and I never want to be seen like that. All I have left is my pride. By Christ I have been alone and I've felt alone but I never felt as lonely as I did after that man's phone call. I felt totally betrayed because that's what he'd done, he'd betrayed me, he fed me so full of hope that my poor son had a future, that my son would be helped. It was all bullshit. I will never forgive that man. He's made a total mug out of me and that will never happen again, never, ever. My word would never be taken over a bloody Consultant by anyone. If he cannot be trusted then who can be trusted

I know that as soon as I hung up on him he would have had no conscience whatsoever, he probably gave us not a thought at all after my ranting and raving, that's the killer for me, knowing he doesn't give a shit about my child, all that man will care about is himself, his ego, his reputation, why the fuck does he work in the line he does, with kids, with families, it is incomprehensible to me. I firmly believe that to do the job he's qualified for means you go out and experience life, warts and all with a family who are going thru this, that would have a twofold effect, the family could have a complete break and the so called expert could experience "real life for said family" But what do I know, I'm just the sucker holding us all together by a very thin thread. What a bastard.

I thought of the Homeless Hostel I did my work experience in for my PLC course and getting told by the men in charge that all other students they had who were all male just sat in their office and didn't do what I had done, interacted with the clients and advocate for the clients and cleaned the hostel from top to bottom and there's no doubt in my mind at all those very students who didn't interact with any clients and just sat in the hostel office will one day be a “professionals” who knows nothing except what they learn from books.

My poor son is indoors 24 hours a day, every day for the past 2 years and 2 months now, life is passing him by, he does not see anyone apart from me and my youngest, he has no friends, no sun on his face, no fresh air in his lungs, just in his bedroom and its been over 2 years now and that useless bastard lied to me, he fucking lied to me.

Something is playing on my mind after I thought about that Consultant Psychiatrists retraction phone call to me. Why did he say “off course you can but it's not going to say what you're expecting it to say” regards a copy of the letter I asked for. So he knew he was lying otherwise why would he tell me that.

I rang N back but she couldn't understand a word I was saying because I was sobbing so much, she said “you need to come home now, I will organise the flights for you but I'm going to Cambridge for the weekend with the kids” I wish I could go home but I have no money, no home and my eldest does not leave the house, we are fucked with a capital F.

I rang my friend and left her a message.

Both my sons are still in their bed. I'm hoping they dodn't get up and see me in this state and how the hell do I tell my eldest there will be no place for him at Nua Health Care to help him when he has fully investigated the place online himself. And what magic wand will an outreach team have then? Where the fuck has an outreach team been all this time. Why are they always lying, some fucking Catholics they all are, they are only fucking Catholics when it suits them.

It was 2 years ago when I first contacted Del the Social Worker for family support.

Anne Kelly knew about us via my email that was forwarded to her when I had moaned about Del.

Why have I had to do this solo all this time, it's not as if I've been quiet about any of it. I think I should have blown my stack about all this a long time ago instead of worrying about how I appear and am perceived by educated people. I have been little Mrs Respectable, have doffed my invisible forelock for far too long and where did it get me. No where. Having letters after your name and prestigious qualifications does not make a person honest and honourable at all, well not the ones I've had the misfortune to come across anyway. They have proved that to me the past over two years, all full of their own importance, they probably got to used to people showing respect and deference, due to fear I think but I have nothing to fear, I have done nothing wrong yet I'm treated as a bloody nuisance.

Learning from a book in a classroom is all fine and dandy but what about the ground work, I should have asked to see THEIR FUCKING credentials. I will never again be taken for a fool.

I'm a kind, friendly, chatty, honest and straight, tell it like it is, no hidden sides at all person, what you see is what you get, but all these professionals appear to have seen and treated me as some kind of nuisance.

I am sick of pen pushers, ego polishers, crap spouting people that merely want to shut me up while they pontificate, procrastinate and waste my time and energy whilst my eldest is in exactly the same position he's always been all this time. I just wanted to give my eldest a chance at joining the outside world again, to be helped to do so, to have an education, to learn about his condition, to allow him to deal with it with proper help via the residential place, to allow him to re adjust, re discover, his life, his goals, his future. It's his legal fucking rights to live like every other person in this country.

Has anyone asked my eldest what he wants? No.

Has anyone asked me what he wants and needs? No.

What is their expertise regarding my son? Nothing.

Who is the expert regarding my son? I am.

Inept Bastards.

How the hell am I going to get this sorted, they have done bugger all for my eldest. Not one of them knows a thing about his Autism at all.

I emailed a radio show, News Talk, Brenda Powers, I'm not expecting anything, I simply want the country to know what life is like for us and the cock ups and the lies professionals tell and write down on file and get away with and I got a phone call back within minutes from the radio show and spoke to a lovely girl.

I told her I didn't want to go on the radio. I'm now tired, weary and thoroughly sad and pissed off with all these people promising help, advice and support and getting sod all and now I have a very stern sounding person claiming to be my eldests Social Worker on the phone and feel like I'm entering a David v Goliath scenario.

The girl told me that Brenda had read my email and was worried so asked her to ring me. The lovely girl E and I spoke at length. I told her I've been called to a meeting to see a not very nice man on the phone who said he was my eldests Social Worker and it was the first time I heard my son had one. E said it will be interesting to see what he has to say and she would call me back in the afternoon to find out.

Why has no professional asked me for a photo of my son to put in their by now fat files that are so bullet ridden with inaccuracies. The file I carry has two photographs of my eldest, the boy he was and the teen he is now. No matter what professional I see I show them my son, it stops me from roaring at them my son is not your case file, a number or your frigging guinea pig. What is going to happen to my sons, my youngest is gentle, kind, loving, resilient, but also quick to quit anything, he will not stand up for himself. He needs to learn to or he will be bullied all his life which will suck what little is left of his self esteem, I tell him every day how gorgeous he is and that I love him. I know he will go far and do well, he is a son to be proud of and I am so very proud of him.

My eldest, so gorgeous, so shy, so intelligent, so bruised and battered inside but will not share his angst, so angry, so fearful, so full of rage and curse words, what will happen to him? He will rot if he does not get the appropriate help for his Disability, his agoraphobia, his temper. Nua Health Care was his only chance and that lying bastard of a Consultant Psychiatrist has taken it away.

I got a cab to town, my face was destroyed with all the crying I've done. James the cabbie asked me what was wrong because he's only ever seen me happy, chatty, and funny. So I told him everything, and it was good to share it with someone in person. He said he could tell just from my voice on the phone that something was wrong. He said nothing surprises him any more and I need to learn a big lesson from this and record everything and everyone in future. I told him thanks and I will record anyone I speak to concerning my children and no one will ever lie again because I will make sure I can prove they are lying. I just wish to God I knew this before when I had the Consultant Psychiatrist meeting but it would never have crossed my mind that he would tell me bare faced lies and M from Autism Services was at that meeting and heard his bullshit lies too but no way would she put her job on the line. Fuck me she told enough lies of her own about my eldest saying they were fearful to send anyone into the house as he was violent and aggressive when they had not even clapped eyes on him.

From now on everyone I speak to concerning my eldest will be recorded by me.

(Under my Freedom of Information Act request there was a letter written by the Consultant Psychiatrist Don Mc Dwer on the 4^th of April. It was only when a Cara O'Neill the General Manager of Community Services for the HSE queried on the 31^st March about Nua Health Care and the expensive cost of it did he apparently change his mind of 100% support)

28^th May at 2.30pm

Meeting with Emlyn Hughes the Social Worker. Much to my surprise the “stern” Social Worker who rang me was very young, he looked in his late 20's. He told me he was only given my name two weeks ago, he said “I want to get a comprehensive initial assessment and start from scratch” and “I will need to talk to every professional that has ever dealt with eldest, I want you to forget about (like hell I will) “P and Del from Social Work” (even tho they are all under the same HSE) “I've nothing to do with them and I do not know them” and asked me “what are your views about a Family Support Plan” I said “it's supposed to be in place now, where have you all been before now” He said “once I have a complete picture of all that's been happening, a multi- disciplinary approach is normal and best practice” I raised my eyebrows at that, he said “if you think we're wasting our time here” I butted in and said “I want to know why and why now” he said “I suppose because you have brought it to our attention, to everyone's attention, so congratulations”

The cheeky sod to say that to me “congratulations, you've brought it to everyone's attention” Would he not have done the same if he had a child like mine. I'm furious.

He had me there for two hours going over the history. I've done this for so many professionals over two years so what did Emlyn think would change, would the history change the more they asked, the more I told it. They must have seen the history over and over and over again. They even had a time line which was on the seven page begging for help email I sent to many people re support for funding for my son and I knew he had a copy of it because he quoted me re Marian Flynn the NEPS woman “and you never heard from her again” I'm back to square one again when all I want and need is help, supports and services for my eldest. I do feel a bit positive if this gets my son help but I'm still hesitant as to all the damn mistakes that have been put on record, in writing by so called professionals. He made an appointment with me for next week.

I left totally drained and rang my youngest to tell him I was on my way home. My eldest was awake when I got back. I told him “I've just met your Social Worker called Emlyn Hughes like the English football player” my eldest had no clue about any football player with that name, I said “he didn't bullshit me at all and said he wants to help us” my eldest asked “by doing what” I said “I don't know but I'm sure he'll come up with something” my eldest walked off without saying anything else.

There was a letter from the Consultant Psychiatrist that he sent to the HSE. It said “preferable” that my eldest “remains at home” “preferable” for who, for them I presume because it surely is not preferable for me.

28^th May

I made my sons dinner and my phone rang. It was E from Brenda Power News talk show, she is really easy to talk to. I told her I felt a bit more positive even tho it was a complete waste of time going over all history when there was fat file on the table. I read her out the Consultant Psychiatrist's letter and she understood my anger about it. I read out to her that he was claiming that Nua Health Care costs €20,000 per month and that is why I think he did a U turn but I am nothing if not thorough and I will get to the bottom of it. I told her I have to go back next week and finish the history that I know they already have. E told me she would ring me again next week and see what, if any progress has been made and if anything happens in the meantime to give her a call if I need to speak to her. What a wonderful girl.

I rang my friend and told her I'm wiped out and back to square one again with this professional and it's all a huge mess. My friend listened to me for 40 minutes, I really need to learn when to stop talking, the poor woman. I also need to get my head around all that was said today.

29^th May

I'm still furious about the lies of that Consultant Psychiatrist. I've drafted three letters to him so far but all are written in anger. I need to hold off for a bit then write in an unemotional logical way, the only language they bloody understand. Why the hell should I be worrying about being an emotional person, the only frigging reason I'm still here with my eldest is down to my emotions, my love for him. I cannot see any other human putting up with this crap for a minute never mind over two years of this. My friend rang me again, she is an amazing lady. I told her that the loneliness and the sheer isolation is going to get me in the end, I cannot stand it, I hate it, alone and lonely at age 47, how sad is that. I never did a bad thing in my life, I always helped complete strangers, family, friends, and now I find myself totally alone in the world but self pity ain't gonna get me no where, is it?

Another Bank Holiday coming up and I'm dreading it. I will have no one to talk to, no place to go, and no money to go anywhere and I would not leave my eldest anyway. I'm trapped, trapped, trapped.

My thoughts, feelings, anger, frustration, helplessness, isolation, fears and tears do not have an office time line of 9 to 5, they come when they come. I so need a hug from someone, it's not gonna happen girl I tell myself, so get over it.

5^th June

Meeting with Emlyn, the Social Worker. I had never before been in this situation, the world of social workers. Apart from Del and I had contacted that one myself for “support” It was mentally draining and I thought and found that the whole onus was on me, as a parent, as a person. I had to give all details of every aspect of my life, my childhood, my marriage, the end of my marriage, the births of my children, their childhoods, why we moved to this country, my husbands childhood, nothing was taboo. Here sat a young man who plays golf, is unmarried, has no kids and certainly I suppose never had to stay at home full time for over two years without a work life, a social life or a sex life, just existing day by day in poverty trying to get help for my child who desperately needs help. Emlyn said, “the next session will be the full background on you, we need to have whole picture, we need everything about your background because its got everything to do with everything and will give us a full picture of all leading up to this point now for your eldest and youngest" When I asked “why am I was under a microscope when my son has a diagnosis and each meeting seems like your looking for someone to blame” I was sick of telling him that my son has a genetic disability, he was born with it. I didn't know how making me rake over old ground, which I had done many times before with the psychs would change my child's diagnosis.

My exact question to him was: “What has my personal history got to do with being a mum, to do with my circumstances, to do with Aspergers Syndrome and the lack of help from anyone, any of you lot” I had nothing to hide, I was just sick of repeating the same damn thing over and over again they must have surely all been in contact with one another and could just pass over a file, he had a very large one in front of him, was my history going to change the more I told it, depending on whom I was speaking to, it was to me a huge waste of time and very mentally and emotionally exhausting. His Reply was: “you need to learn to be patient (two years had now gone by) you have fallen out with a lot of professionals over this ( I did not I simply asked for help in my own way) you have given them a fair old touch (I still don't know what this means) you have rattled cages and you're right. You are going to hear a lot of things you don't like and you need to not react and I will be there to support you, maybe one of the things will be the many house moves you have made, this could be one of the reasons that has not helped your son (isn't it fantastic to heap more guilt on mum, when all she's doing is her damn best) you may be asked why you have not done this or that etc. (he did not provide any specifics) you must not jump and react, you need to stop jumping down peoples throats” ( if people who should know better cannot tell the truth then I will say so, if they write something down that is wrong and that will be on my child's file somewhere for ever more then I will ask them to correct it) he said “you have got the attention you wanted” (what fucking attention have I wanted ) “You now have a forum, you can use this now in an appropriate way, you have a clean slate now” (I did not have a dirty one to start with) “you have got the attention that you wanted, you can get this document that can take you a long way, its a fantastic opportunity and I hope to god that you accept it with open arms and engage with the services”

My reply to him: “My whole reasoning is to get help for my son, why is that so difficult for anyone to see, I have done everything I could the quiet way and got no where, I have fallen out with no one, I only tell the truth and ask for that back. If I can get help and support for my eldest then my youngest and I will be okay. I never asked for any attention at all, just help for my son and if I'm going to hear things I do not like then so are the professionals because I have a lot to say to them all, about all that they've failed to do and I will not sit back and take a character assassination from anyone when all I'm doing is the best for my son and my son is legally entitled to services, supports and help and not been getting any and he tried to kill himself so before they tell me what I should want and accept they should be bloody looking at themselves and all they failed to do and as for engaging with services, there has been no fucking services to engage with”

Emlyn said “After talking to M (education welfare officer) and my team leader, how do you feel about me contacting your husband, we need to get his view on what happened because he had contact with your eldest over a long period of time and was part of the family unit, he witnessed your eldests behaviour, you need to be objective and I need to contact everyone who has had input on your eldests life, why would this be such a threat to you, why do you feel its unacceptable for me to contact the Dad”

I told him “if you contact the man who put us all thru hell then I'm no longer part of this, that man caused our lives to be this way, I do not want him having any power over us at all, I do not want him to know where we are or what our situation is because he will love to know we are all in dire straights, that man is disturbed and mentally ill in the head, my son has been diagnosed with a disability of Aspergers Syndrome, a form of Autism, it's a life long condition, he was born with it and nothing is going to change that for him and he needs services and supports and is legally entitled to them so no matter what threats you make re his dad to put the fear of god into me, no matter what time you waste on these idiotic microscopic meetings looking to blame me for Christ knows what, my son's frigging diagnosed condition is not going to change and he needs what he's legally entitled to by law” I then stood up, I wasn't taking any more of this shit from no kid who hadn't a clue what he was doing.

I left that meeting shattered and decided I'm not going in to any more meetings with him alone. The more I thought about it the more furious I became, this man is no counsellor yet I'm to bare my heart and soul and go over all painful stuff re my marriage with him, then simply go home left with my own thoughts, this is madness. He also left me thinking could I be to blame for my eldests condition? Have I made him worse? Would he be better off without me? I really believe I've become a hot potato and they want me to shut up and disappear.

After a good nights sleep I thought fuck the lot of you, I'm going no where, my son deserves better than this.

I rang N at the agency I trust I told her everything and if they inform the ex of anything about us, he will have an idea of where we are and I will leave. She said she would send a letter to Emlyn because she knows us all and has met and spoken to my sons too.

E from the radio show rang to check if I was okay, she was appalled to hear the latest re my meeting with Emlyn, she asked “do you want to go live with it" I said no, I was in no fit state and would probably curse like a trooper, I blessed that girl for ringing me, it felt like a miracle her calling me out of the blue and concerned enough to ring me.

15^th June

My days are so lonely and frustrating, my eldest has been awake all night and asleep all day for a long time now, we are like ships that pass in the night and there is hardly any communication between us any more unless he needs something. My heart breaks for him, his life should not be like this, it is for living and having a laugh, he is locked in his withdrawal from the outside world and only he can get himself out of it as there seems to be no expert available that can help and Christ have I tried, its taken me two years now to get help and its still not available and I have been emotionally stripped naked by giving the full background of every damn event in our lives ( I think the powers that be feel something must have caused his diagnosis, stupid fuckers have not even the sense to know he was born with this) I found a help line by chance online and it took me four hours to get thru to them, I was amazed they were answering phones on a Saturday, I found out that they hold meetings twice a month locally as a support group so I'm overjoyed that I can at last go and sit with others as I miss human company so much, I'm hoping that it will not be all doom and gloom tho as that will drive me nuts.

I was awake until 2am trying to write a letter to get proper professional help for my eldest, I cannot stay on track tho and my letter ended up 20 pages long which I know no one will want to read so I'm almost finished with just extensive editing to do. My eldest was also awake playing the most appalling music I have ever had the misfortune to hear, it must be an age thing as I normally love all types of music

It has been raining over night but the sun is now shining and it looks like its going to be a beautiful day, I'm going to the gym (I started going last week) and my youngest will be swimming whilst I am huffing and puffing on a treadmill. I detest weekends normally as I hear from no one hence joining the gym to break my boredom and isolation.

I've been trying so hard to get out of my woe is me recent attitude and I know there are worse off but all I need is someone to talk to on a daily basis to help take my mind of this sole topic I'm so damn focused on. I've been leaving the Samaritans alone for a while in case I'm stopping someone who is suicidal from getting to talk to someone.

16^th June

Yesterday was such a beautiful day and my eldest was shut in his bedroom with his windows and curtains closed as always because he was up all night. I wore the carpet out trying to get him up in the day time but he said he was too tired but later I was over the moon when last night he allowed me to get into his room to change his bedding and clean his room and he even agreed to get in the shower. I have nagged him for the past 6 weeks to get him to have a shower but at last he had one with no shouting or refusing or swearing at me. I went to bed early at 10pm and read a book and got up at 7am and he was still awake so it looks like he will be asleep till around 8 or 9 pm tonight, God love him, I feel useless as to how to help him.

19^th June

Life is jogging along peacefully at the moment, today my eldest is chatty and happy. I know he can change in a second but I will be grateful for small mercies as they happen.

Today the council housing people came round to interview me to possibly house us permanently, I am thrilled, but scared too, I'm worried about new neighbours and having to move the boys yet again, I feel like getting hold of the ex and fucking throttling him, he is still in same place with the same career whilst we are living out of boxes, no justice for us living like we are. The maintenance he was forced to pay and tried to get out of pays my rent so there is nothing extra for any treats in this household so I am on tenterhooks waiting to see if we can have our own place to decorate and put up photo's etc, simple things really do mean so much.

This has been the most painful roller-coaster ride I've ever been on but we are still battling away and one day I'm sure I shall be able to breathe a sigh of relief and my smile will reach my eyes again.

I know because I've "rattled cages" (according to Emlyn) of the powers that be and threatened to go public about the lack of appropriate services, supports and expertise but I'm no fool, I know that's what it will say on paper so we shall see what the real story is (call me Mrs cynical) at the end of the month and it had better be in the best interests of my son and not for them.

22^nd June

I am pissed off, pissed off, pissed off. How do you get into someone's bloody head and find out what's wrong with them. My eldest was chatting away to me this morning, I asked him to tell me what he wanted to eat because me making him chicken every day is making me feel sick so I can't eat it myself any more. I wanted him to at least try something different for once, he told me what he didn't like then he got angry at me and jumped back into his bed and ignored me. I went out to town and got him a Mc Donalds, it saves me stressing myself out, was he grateful, not a chance of it, he shouted "I told you I'm not fucking hungry" and went back into bed AGAIN and is not speaking to me. I had 10 days of him not talking to me the last time he decided I'd made him angry but not angry enough to tell me what the fuck I was supposed to have done. Two years I've had of this crap and worry and I'm going to crack up if it carries on for much longer. I could be dead here and no one gives a toss and the professionals have the cheek to tell me to be patient, it's a mental patient I will be some day soon, I'm sick of this bloody life.

23^rd June

My youngest out of the blue went to the local shop and brought me back a bar of chocolate because “I thought you needed cheering up” what a lovely lad he is, bless him.

My eldest is still in bed, he must know what this does to me, I have told him often enough, he's torturing me with his silence so I will have to grow a thicker skin, I will be like a rhino in the end whenever the end is.

2^nd July

I've got 4 weeks to move house so I'm busy painting, cleaning and packing (again!) I'm fed up with this lifestyle now. I viewed three houses and think I've chosen the best one for us but there's catch, the supposed four year secure tenancy I was assured about is not secure at all because the owner only has to give 4 weeks notice if they want the place back or want to sell it so we still have no security long term. What can I do, insist we stay where we are and pay a fortune each week or stress about moving again to pay cheaper rent and still no security. Not that I have any choice because I've been warned if I don't accept one of the three private houses offered then my rent allowance will stop. Why are some people born under a lucky star, all I want is a bloody normal life.

My laptop is dead but eldest agreed I can use his computer when he's asleep so I can keep tabs on my bank account and emails.

The big meeting of professionals who get to decide what help they will give my eldest will take place in the next two weeks, that's what I've been told but knowing them, they just tell me anything to shut me up, it's not going to work though because this has gone on for far too long, if no date is given to me by the 3rd week of July, I'm going public and sod the consequences.

3^rd July

Our date for moving house is the 31^st of July so I'm going to be very busy, cleaning, packing and painting to leave the house in a better state than when I moved into it almost a year ago now, all gets left to me, my youngest is a great help but my eldest just takes care of his own stuff. I know it will be an all out war when it comes to me cleaning his room because I'm not allowed to touch or move anything, I will put it in writing for him tonight and tell him to keep reading so he will know I'm not doing it out of spite but because I have to and god knows how I'm going to get him out the front door to the new place, I cannot even think about that yet. I'm so sick of walking on egg shells.

A call came just before 5pm to tell me the multi disciplinary meeting of professionals to figure out how they can help my eldest is provisionally on the 22nd, unfortunately my advocate for Autism cannot make that date so will be asking for the date to change which will coincide with our moving date. If I'm not in a straight jacket that week with all I have going on I will jump for joy.

8^th July

If I have to roar at my kids again for help to move a box full of their stuff I will crack up, not that either of them listens or hears me, I asked myself was I like this as a teen? I cant believe I wrote that, it looks like I will have to admit to myself that I'm actually 48 years old but I still look at everything through the eyes of a 25 year old. How the hell did I get to this age without noticing it. I'm still full of hope and dreams and wants but don't know how to achieve them given my present circumstances. Why is it when you have all the time in the world something inside you just switches off, e.g.: I love reading but now have no concentration to read at all. I keep a journal but when I start writing in it I know it will take me hours to off load all I'm feeling inside, I'm desperate for adult human company but I know there is no point as I have restricted time and fuck all money to spend with anyone. My biggest fear is that I begin resenting my son who obviously cannot help his predicament, my other fear is knowing that my youngest does indeed resent his brother and I do not blame him at all for that because he treats and talks to my youngest appallingly.

The whole day I waited for a phone call from any professional to ask how we all are, is that not their job, is that not what I had been promised, is that not what I asked for "do not leave me on my own to cope with all this, even a phone call to see how we are" I keep forgetting because they are in human form and I treat them as human because that is how I want to be treated but the reality is as soon as they walk out the door they are onto to their next case number and just wipe their mind clean of the previous case number, in this case, us.

I am getting very bolshy in my old age because never in a million years would I have had the cheek to talk to them as I now do. Here we have a young man who is a social worker, unmarried, no kids, no previous knowledge of Aspergers Syndrome ( he downloaded info from the internet and told me its his “new reading material”) and he's telling me to be patient and let the experts come up with a way to help my eldest. I would agree with that when they have given birth and raised and been attacked by this same child, spat on, called every name under the sun, been called a bitch and a whore and threatened to kill himself and tells me “its your fault if you find me dead so don't dare give me cause to kill myself” when the so called experts can stay at home day in and day out for two bloody years with the same child who gives you not a kind word, who sleeps all day because he cannot sleep at night, who has to be begged to wash at least once every 6 weeks, who will barricade himself in his bedroom because you say something in a manner that he does not like, who has such a restricted diet and will only eat chicken done in a certain way, lets see now, that makes me the frigging expert and not one of them, letters after their name or not. My name is Anne, the letters after my name is MUM, light bulb moment, I AM THE EXPERT, so I think I will get on the phone and tell them so and tell them what I need for my son and not wait whilst they scurry around trying to come up with useless crap to write on a file somewhere so it looks good from their end.

Phone call today to tell me that the date for the next meeting is now the 29^th of July at 10.15am until 1pm. That is 2 days before I move house and as much as I want to hear what the professionals have to offer in way of help I doubt very much that there will be anything at all because they are just not bloody interested. It has taken 4 long months to get to this stage since I threatened to go public at their lack of support and two months since the person in charge came round to the house with a plan of action that HAS NOT materialised, "we can action these services now" I was told that on the 1^st of May and here we are in July and not a service in sight, no education, no socialisation, no fresh air in my son's lungs, no exercise, no expert banging our door down, it seems to me the rights of the child under the Irish constitution is a waste of fucking ink. I'm also writing to the top brass who are paid by the tax payer and they should be held accountable but what I sent them did not even warrant a reply from them, the bloody cheek of them and it cost me a fortune to send all those letters by registered post.

I had a phone call from the doctor because I need chemical help to get my eldest out of the door on moving day, she said come round and she will give me a Valium that I can give him on the morning we move. I told my eldest and he said he wants to read up on the ins and outs of the medication first, I told him he has three choices, take the Valium or a baseball bat to the head to knock him out to get him from A to B or he can stay where he is for ever more, he decided on the tablet, I hope to god he does not like it too much though, only humour keeps us going at the minute and if this meeting does not give us actual support and help to turn his life around I do not know what I will do, I have been so close to the edge of insanity and frequently felt like giving up at times that I now cannot comprehend any disappointment as far as help and supports are concerned. I've even thought of chaining myself to railings of the government but I have no transport to get me there.

Something amazing happened today. I've been using my eldests computer since my laptop died and he left a page open, its a site for Autism, this is huge for him as he point blank refused to accept the diagnosis, I am so so so so so so so so happy as it means he has now accepted his diagnosis. Obviously I cannot say that I know but I will open communication about it slowly. I have told him about the up coming meeting and asked if he wanted me to specifically ask for anything on his behalf, “like what” he said, “like can someone come to house who can slowly get to know you and eventually help you” I replied, a wry smile came from him then “dunno” he said, at least it was not an outright "no" I truly love my boy warts and all, I just want him back to his normal.

Phone call from the housing department, they want me to sign a contract and collect the keys for the new house on the 25th, that is two weeks from today. How in gods name am I going to do this, I've got absolutely no extra funds for anything never mind a removal van and no money to ensure a phone is connected at other house. I do not know what I am going to do. Life has been utter crap since the end of 05 but I'm feeling very positive about our future now, its not going to change overnight, I know that, but hopefully we wont be in same situation for the next two years or I shall crack up once and for all.

23^rd July

I knew today would be bad but I'd no idea why, I could just smell it in the atmosphere. I woke up early but had no oomph to get me going so had my usual two cups of tea. My youngest was up and told me he had a bad nights sleep so I told him to go back to bed and I would give him a shout later to help me lift heavy stuff if I needed him. My eldest was still asleep but almost has his room cleared and boxed.

I was taking a break with the sweat pouring off me due to the hot weather and was on the computer checking out a site I found out ages ago is my ex's latest project to give his all to. I was reading thru all the posted messages and saw that he "married" a woman in a pagan wedding last year after only knowing her a couple of months, we are still legally married, we do not even have a legal separation as yet, shock is not the word to describe what I felt, the bastard, fucker, useless twat, heartless git. I wanted to post on the same board and shout it from the rooftops all this man did to me and our sons, all he continues to do but what good would it do, he is a saint in others eyes, he will go out of his way to "help" others, "street angel, house devil" is how he was described to me by a woman’s group and its so accurate a description for him. I was fuming. The woman is called A.M. There was no invitation via text nor email for his children but as far as that man's concerned and he's proven it time and time again, our sons do not exist in his eyes. He is also now an Activist touring and whoring the country to save the Hill of Tara. Here is us going thru hell and he's living life of Riley, the mad wicked bastard. I let him know by text that I know all about his “wedding” he replied “what are you talking about, I hope you've got your facts right or you will look very stupid" Twat, he cannot breathe without lying.

I rang a counsellor. I only started see her two weeks ago but she was on holiday so I said its an emergency so I have to go tomorrow and I can see someone else, the woman wanted me to talk on the phone but with my sons in earshot I couldn't so I walked to the town with tears tripping down my face, why I don't even know, I suppose fury, anger, shame, self pity, hurt etc, I want to knock his fucking lights out, I want to render him senseless, I want to hold his kids up in front of him who he forgets are even alive, that bastard left me to cope and deal with everything leaving me with no outside life nor any hope of a life. I sent him a text, we are never in contact unless he wants to save his ass re court, so he still has my number yet he does not send any message of happy birthday to his kids or any Happy Xmas message. I texted “I want a key to the family home that's on market to be sold” he replied “no, because I'm back living in the family home” The cheeky swine has a fortune that also belongs to me and was saying online he will soon be bankrupt :) (smiley face) money that I had an input to over 18 long bloody years and me and my sons have nothing, we have no money for solicitors to fight for decency and justice. I could fucking scream the place down.

Out of the blue my pal D rang me, he said “Anne do you want your life cut short with the stress of it all, let it go, let him be the victor, don't fight for anything for yourself or kids, let him have the house, the fake wedding, he can never look himself in the mirror and like what he sees after all he did to you and his son's, he's in his 40's now and will one day regret it all” I said “he will regret nothing because he feels nothing for anyone except himself but I will be dammed if I walk away with nothing after all the input I gave to our finances over 18 years and been left with nought, the fucker even declared poverty in court, he just does not want to pay for his own sons keep, so everything, including all the worry is left to me alone. He has the work life, the social life, the love/sex life, I have nothing, only looking after our children, the children he also abused, do I fight for truth and justice and half of what I earned and am owed or for sanity's sake do I give up, my boys would go mental if I said I was giving up going after what is legally half mine and could help change their lives. So fuck it, I'm not giving up”

I went to the library and picked up a book called "Family Support" by John Canavan and Pat Dolan and brought it home, this must be the same Pat Dolan who's the Disability Manager that I contacted then badgered for help for my eldest. As my first contact with him was on the 24th March and it's now the 10^th of July and still no "Family Support" I believe that the next meeting will again be another farce and my eldest will be in the exact same position he's in now 20 years from now because they missed opportunity after opportunity to help him.

I've had two professionals visit us. Special Needs and Autism Services but this merely consisted of supplying me with a Carers Allowance pack.

I had the Principal Social Worker Anne Kelly visit me on the 7^th of May with a Family Support Plan naming 13 agencies who she'd contacted to find out what they could provide in the way of help, this was dated the 1^st of May, she told me that "we can access these immediately for yourself and your younger son but it will take longer to put in place the expert help for my eldest" this I understood yet here we are two months later and still nothing has been done, why? I don't know and I'm sick of asking Emlyn the social worker who told me he had to gather all information to get this multidisciplinary meeting together. I get no answers from anyone.

So here we are four months after my first contact with Pat Dolan and still no one calls to the house or any phone calls me to ask how my son is, who is still in his bedroom like a hermit, a young extremely intelligent boy who's had zero education, socialisation, exercise etc for two years and three months, how much longer is this going to continue, do they think I am superwoman, I am not, I need and deserve an outside of the home life, I need and deserve adult company, to get out to make friends so I have support so that my every waking moment of focus is not simply on our dire circumstances, on who do I contact now to get help for my son. I really believe that these four months wasted could have turned his life around if he could have had the chance to do so at Nua Health Care, all he needed was the experts who know about extreme cases of Aspergers Syndrome and how to help him, that's all I wanted and still want. I found a solution to at least try to help him and the powers that be in this county know not a thing about Aspergers but they decided that they know best and that my eldest is not worth the expense and so have put our lives on hold and in the exact same position we have been in for over 2 years.

We moved house again on the 25^th of July. I was forced to take a RAS Scheme house because I was told if I didn't pick one out of the three houses on offer then my rent allowance would be cut off for 12 months, I needed this like a hole in the head, my eldest did not need any more insecurity or instability in his life and my poor youngest is “fucking sick of moving” I was told we can have it for 4 years, (I cannot think of next week never mind 4 years) but if the landlady wants to sell then we will only have 4 weeks notice to quit. If that happens where the hell do we go?

The RAS house was filthy, not even hoovered, the bath was disgusting with grime and slime, and the house is at the opposite end of the town where we lived. C as usual being the wonderful friend she is to us came over to help. She took my eldest over to the house in her car, he had two Valium inside him to help him cope, we'd already sorted his bedroom so all he had to do was get into it which he did and he closed the door. He is good at doing that. I do not think my kids have ever once thought about how I feel about all this moving around we've had to do, they haven't asked me once. I'm lucky that I always make friends in whatever area I'm living in, my boys don't but I then lose my friends as I have to keep shagging moving and I don't have enough finances to socialise at all.

My phone was ringing non stop as everyone from college got their exam results. I got 9 distinctions and I merit, the merit was from the school principals wife who was my tutor, if she can live with her petty self then so be it. The girls from my group all got Distinctions and a mixture of Merits and Credits. It feels like an anti climax to me, how is my life going to change anyway.

C was not happy about the state of the house, she rang the landlady who apologised and said she lives in Dublin and had no time to get down to clean or even to take the bin out, the couch is old and torn to shreds and the carpets are filthy, the walls too are disgusting. C told the landlady all that was wrong with the house and then she rang the council so they were aware of the state of the place too. The sky man came and put up a satellite dish, Eircom came and put in the phone line (same number) and broadband so at least that's all sorted for my eldest and my youngest. C went home at 9.30pm, she is a star. I couldn't sleep.

29^th July

Multi Disciplinary Meeting

What a joke, what a farce. I believe these meetings are meant to intimidate and not facilitate. My friend came down the day before to find out exactly what I wanted and needed for my eldest and for us all. R.C. who is an advocate for Irish Autism Action came down that morning. It was a complete farce, none of the professionals that had ever dealt with my eldest even turned up. There was supposed to be a psychiatrist, a psychologist, education welfare, Autism, anyone who had contact about my eldest and not one of them turned up.

The room was full of social workers and someone from Youth Services and Learning Disability whom I'd never spoken to or met before. Not one of them introduced themselves to me and I took an instant dislike to Mary Talbot from Learning Disability as I overheard her say aloud “I've spoken to another mum with a child with the same condition to ask HER what SHE thought would be the best approach with your son” I couldn't believe it. How about asking this bloody mother! I asked her why she was here at all because my son is ultra intelligent, he doesn't have any learning disability, she said she was asked to attend. Bums on seats was all I could come up with as to the reason why all these people who had fuck all to do with my eldest were there. It was also said that the new psych who has never spoken to either me or my son but has read his file has experience in children with Aspergers. (So why has he not called me) will offer his help. I almost internally combusted when I heard one of them say "we have tried everything.

A lot of networking went on with the professionals. Mary Talbot asked R. C for her business card. I over heard her say to R that “M and Anne Koash had tried everything to help but had found it very difficult” I wanted to scream right into her face that she and they are liars because they did fuck all except fill in forms and actually lied about my son to the consultant psychiatrist (who is another liar) and they left my eldest in such a bad mood when they kept telling him, did he know how worried mum was about him which left him not frigging speaking to me for days afterwards. I told my friend I'm going to lose it with them all in a minute, she took me outside.

Their plan now is to put an advert in the local paper to find someone appropriate to come into the house and engage with eldest. I was told “this will let you out for a few hours a week” They plan to get my youngest involved with youth services to “take him out” They have not asked my youngest if this is okay, they have not asked my eldest anything at all. There was not a mention of Nua Health Care. They are all full of shit.

They then said they may have identified a young man to come into the house to try to engage with my eldest, that they will support this person with training etc but I'm needed to teach this young man my eldests likes, interests, games he plays on the computer and he has to be allowed to pop in and out of the house so that my eldest gets used to him being there. No one has listened to a bloody word I have said, it will not work, I have told them it will not work but are they listening? no, I am just the Mum after all.

All the waiting and the stress for this big meeting and it was an absolute joke.

My biggest fear is when this does not work and as I know my son so well I know it will not work that we will be left totally alone again, when I voiced this I was told “we will not give up, we will work together 100%” I hope they remember these words but I frigging doubt it.

A principal social worker said it was unusual for them to be here because they normally only dealt with parents who cannot cope and in cases of abuse etc so all this was new for them. I said the only thing that matters is they get to record bums on seats for their records, she gave me a pitying look. I only found out today at the meeting that Pat Dolan had forwarded my email and letter to social work and requested “a report be done on this family” he had told them nothing at all about my screaming for help, services and supports, he had told them nothing about my eldests diagnosis, all this was done without my knowledge nor consent. I was then apparently perceived by this social work department as having done something wrong as a parent, hence the interviews for initial assessments, what a complete fucking waste of time, energy and stress I did not need. The rotten to the core bastard that he is, he probably spitefully did that to get me off his back but I'm made of stern stuff and they should all know by now that they cannot scare me into shutting me up because I have done Jack shit wrong but THEY ALL HAVE.

The apparent outcome of this so called meeting was they put together ANOTHER plan for help and support after today's meeting has been typed up, I will not hold my breath waiting. They have agreed that I need support and they will figure out a way to give it (eventually I suppose) Having tried and failed to get my son help for two years I think I will be able to hang on for a couple of weeks more and see what they come up with, if they do not then I am walking out the door and I have told them all that because there is only so much abuse one person can take.

(Edited 2018. In 2009 the Freedom of Information files I received from County S. had a report sent from the Disability Manager Pat Dolan to Head of Social Work Anne Kelly about my family, he claimed that neither child attended school which was lying bollix as my youngest was in school and asked Anne Kelly to convene a meeting of professionals because Mrs X is requesting funding of €20,000 per month for a residential facility, he wanted Anne Kelly to put together a package of support) I requested no such amount, I had not one clue what Nua Health Care cost.

27^th August

I received yet another family support plan after the multidisciplinary meeting. This plan stated that "a person with expertise in Aspergers Syndrome is to be identified to engage with eldest on a personal level"

Yesterday I met this person, he's a student at the local IT who also works on a part time basis with the Mentally Handicapped but because he's at college obviously his time table is most important because he's in his final year and I was gob smacked at the continuous goal post changes. I did ask yesterday “is this a learning on the job scenario because my son's case is far too serious for him to be anyone's guinea pig” I was told that this young student will attend meetings with the psychiatrist, who has never even met my son to gain insight etc. you really could not make this crap up. There have been other issues but I'm far too dragged down now in what I deem as stupidity and banging my head off a brick wall. It is as I expected after all this waiting, they merely want to be seen to be doing something but not actually helping my son and treating his serious problems as paramount.

At the meeting it was asked that I get a break from my continuous 23 hours per day at home, it was then said and written down that if I get the Respite Grant then this can be used to employ someone to give me a break. I have NOT received any carers allowance yet to even qualify for the Respite Grant. They are fucking idiots who have no clue about anything. They are idiots living under the guise of using the term of professionals.

Professional Fucking Idiots should be their title.

I was also told that this will be a long and slow process regarding the student coming into the house to try to engage with my eldest but I feel they're not looking at the complete picture, will this young man take a year out once qualified or will they just keep sending college students into my house. There was also no definite timetable given to me because the college student needs to know firstly his own time table so I was told to “let him pop along when he's free and available”

“This living hell” as my youngest calls it is never going to end. I love my eldest completely but my journey to secure the proper help for him has gone on for far too long, I will never give up on him or trying to get help for him but no one actual gives a damn otherwise I would not still be coping here on my own and feeling like the loneliest person on the planet. I'm just going to have to accept that this is my life for the rest of my life being on a planet that spins yet I don't move at all. I'm now going to stop telling the HSE what my son needs because they do not listen anyway, they know I'm assertive and vocal as far as my child goes but they are the “professionals" aren't they, yet they know nothing at all.

30^th August

I cannot go ahead and do my 4 year degree course now because it's full time and my eldest is getting worse not better but I start my Advocacy Course in Disability Studies on September the 6th, it will only be for one day a month and then home study the rest of time, it does not get me out to meet others which I'm peeved about as this life is still very much lonely but I suppose I have to be grateful for small mercy's.

I now know why the ex stopped maintenance payments because I rang the court and got told “he's out of the country on holiday” how fucking nice for him, me and the boys cannot afford to go to the fucking street corner but as long as he's enjoying himself that's okay. The twisted fucker that he is. If I sound bitter, you better believe it, due to his abuse of me and my sons I have no life due to my eldests reaction of all he suffered at that man's hands. The buyer for the family home had also apparently paid a deposit but the ex refused to pay the solicitor fee's so the buyer pulled out. He and his “new wife” are now apparently playing the happy couple in the family home.

The week I moved to this house I broke my toe so I've been on crutches yet again and I'm just getting back to walking without pain, I'm starting to think I must have been a bad swine in a previous life as I've been far too good in this one for all this bad luck to happen but you have got to laugh about these things and at least it slowed me down for a few weeks.

My eldest has been a nightmare to live with. I've had meeting after meeting with the powers that be and was promised in black and white that an expert would come into the house to try and engage with him, what bullshit, the person they actually have is a student at the same college I will be going to and as nice as this chap may be, he is not an expert. I did tell them my son is not going to be used as a guinea pig but this was refuted. I always believe what my gut tells me.

I went to see the new Consultant Psychiatrist, a lovely man who has a good bedside manner, he prescribed medication for my eldest for anxiety and insomnia, my eldest was happy enough to take them for a week, then we got broadband and he read all sorts of bad things about this drug and lambasted me for “trying to make me depressed, they are a Dopamine Antagonist and no way am I taking them” then I got screamed at for being illiterate, for not even knowing what a doctor was prescribing and asked why did I accept them, am I stupid etc etc etc. Honest to god I feel like walking out the bloody door once and for all, over two years of this and not a kind word does the boy give me. I know its unconditional love, but when you are exhausted with lack of sleep like after you just had a new born baby and are awake every 4 hours with feeding and changing then the baby gives you a smile and your heart just explodes with love and that's your reward for the lack of sleep etc. That's all I want, a kind word, a smile, just some damn nice thing so I feel he appreciates me in some small way, I know it's not going to happen, he's too damaged and angry and only I'm in the firing line. I don't know how much longer I can do this with no support, no help, no break, no human company other than my two kids.

My youngest returns to school on Monday, bless him, he's been thru so much, he said he wants to change his name to my maiden name, that made me laugh out loud. It will be strange with just me and eldest in the house for most of day and I wonder who the men in white coats will cart off first.

1^st September

I emailed the Disability Manager again “Dear Pat Dolan, I would like to have a meeting with you as soon as possible regarding my son”

2^nd September

It's rare that I cry, not because I think it's weak because I do feel its very cathartic, releasing, healing but because there is no one there to put arms around me and say "there, there it will all be alright" some human company, a human touch but not going to happen for me in my world at present. I now resent "normal people” (I don't really know what is normal ) I resent happy families but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. I resent people who have always had it easy ( I'm actually glad if people do not get crap that I feel I am going thru) I so want a normal family life, I have never admitted that my life is not normal, compared to others. I want my 16 year old son to be out and about with me chasing him to get home, for him to have a girlfriend, schooling, music too loud, clothing inappropriate, not sleep in the same damn clothes day and night for 6 weeks plus without even a wash, I want someone to talk to, someone to go out with, I want a hug, I want sex (well I think I do but its been so bloody long that I'm dead from neck down)

Today I cried like a baby. I got up as normal at 6.30am so my youngest would be up for school. I showered, put on make up and was ready for nothing at all. I heard my eldest move about at 11am so I went to see what he wanted to eat and he lambasted me for no good reason, he told me “you are trying to kill me by feeding me crap food” we had an argument, I told him there was nothing wrong with his legs nor any part of his anatomy, that it's not my fault he stays in his room 24 hours per day, that he does nothing but complain, that he thinks he's in a hotel room and gives not a damn for anyone but himself, he told me “you're just like his Dad, you're a clone of Dad” the man who battered him, called him a “fucking psycho just like your mum” took away everything from him, computer, TV, food, phone, just like he did to me and my youngest too and he is saying I'm like that useless controlling, abusing, cowardly bastard, so I left his room after being ordered out by him telling me “piss of you cunt” and I had no one at all that I could ring or go and see and to feel so alone in a planet so full of people, it made me realise that I have no one and Christ knows how I ended up like this, where are all the friends I had when only I could help them emotionally and financially because no one else would understand them, am I a complete eejit, am I brainless, I do not think so at all but I'm so angry at my present circumstances and aloneness.

I rang the carers association and had a very long chat and have arranged to go to see them one day a month but they have a three week wait. I am scared witless now because my son is going downhill, I'm scared of the outcome for him and scared of failing to protect him, he needs someone to blame and only I am in the firing line, I love him so much but I cannot reach him, life is shit with a capital S and the powers that be are a bunch of useless, self protecting, ego preserving twats, they are no more interested in helping me and my son than I have in climbing mount Everest but as long as it looks good on paper and they cover there own asses is fine and dandy by them.

12^th September

I received a reply about the email I sent to Pat Dolan requesting a meeting with him asap.

“Dear Ms X, Thank you for your email to Pat Dolan, Pat has asked Ms Anne Kelly to make contact with yourself at her earliest convenience. Thank you”

I replied “Dear M, thank you for your reply, however I can see Anne Kelly at any time, it was Mr Dolan I wanted the meeting with asap. Thank you”

I got not one word out of Pat Dolan.

6th September

Advocacy Course Introduction. I felt really nervous as the students were all picked by Irish Autism Action just like I was but they all spent a night getting to know one another in a Hotel, I couldn't go for obvious reasons. I did feel like Billy No Mates but it didn't stop me asking questions and making the others laugh. God I love having company and fun.

I was working out my finances for my youngests school, he needs €10 per day for train fare plus fare for the bus back to the house from the train station, plus lunch, a snack and a drink for him after school whilst he waits for the train back and he takes a packed lunch with him too. School insurance to be paid is €8, School locker is €15, School Journal is €10, another Science book is €6.50. My careful daily budget is up shit creek. I rang the court and told the clerk I wanted a variation (increase) and I'm doing the court stuff myself, he said he would help me. He gave me a provisional date of 22^nd October.

11^th September

Another summer over, we've been nowhere, my daily financial living is fucked yet again by non payment of maintenance or late payments when I've had to force the courts to do something. My youngests mood swings are also driving me insane, he told me this morning “you are never happy” I was confused, it was completely out of context, I simply asked him if he could lend me one of his pens so I could write down and work out our daily financial budget. He has no idea of the stress and pressure I'm under from all quarters. I don't know how I'm going to keep going, there is no let up.

My youngest is now back in his old school, he's like a different boy, relatively happy at school, the only downside is the two hour wait he has to get home by train, he refused to “stick out and go in late” so the HSE provide a taxi for him in the mornings. I have to pay for him to get home by train and if the train is late and it usually is then he misses the last bus to the house at 6.10pm and cannot possibly walk such a distance with a rucksack as heavy as he carries. It is costing me €50 per week just for the train fare and lunch, another €5 on top of that if he misses the last bus and has to get a cab, I'm dreading the winter months for him waiting for trains and buses.

I have been waiting 18 months for my Legal Aid appointment, none are available, they only have one solicitor, so the ex is still safe for not paying the court ordered maintenance.

My eldest is getting worse, he's rarely out of his room. Everything I suggest or come up with to help him, he's against. I told him if he doesn't get any help before he's 18 then I can no longer talk about him or for him, not even to the doctor, he said “I don't care”

The new Psychiatrist prescribed him medication which he took for a week till he checked them out on line and he went mental at me about them, I think I'm supposed to be a frigging Pharmacist now too. He told me “they are a dopamine antagonist so I'm not taking them any more, all I need are tranquillisers” I got screamed at for being “illiterate for not even knowing what a doctor was prescribing” “why did you accept them, are you stupid” on and on and on he went. Most days I am fine and all he says to me is like water off a ducks back but some days it affects me greatly, a kind word now and again, a tiny bit of appreciation would go down well but its not to be with him.

My youngest did say that he thought the medication made a big difference to my eldests mood. I suppose we're just looking for a miracle and they do not happen in our lives.

12^th September

Call from my youngest from school, he said he's feeling ill so is coming home but had to wait 2 hours for the train. He said he had chest pains and couldn't breath properly. I asked him to tell a teacher but he wouldn't, he said he'd be okay waiting till the train arrived. God what would I give to have money so he could have jumped in a taxi and get home so I could look after him. As soon as he got home I had to take him straight to casualty because of the chest pains and his difficulty in breathing, it turned out to be an asthma attack, his first in 6 years. He also has tonsillitis. The doctor who treated him was American and so lovely. He's on steroids and antibiotics now so hopefully he will feel better quickly.

I had my second appointment today with the new psychiatrist so he can help my eldest. I had been told it was “so you have someone to talk to about your son's condition” I was told he had “expertise around the condition of Aspergers Syndrome” I did not believe in arguing about that with him, him having expertise, I do not believe he has any expertise at all because he prescribed anti psychotics to an under 18 year old who is not psychotic and they could have in fact made things a million times worse for my eldest had he simply took what this man had prescribed for him long term.

So off I went to the appointment in the pouring rain, some wanker in a car went thru a puddle and soaked me, so I got covered in polluted rain and muddy puddle water.

I told the psych what my eldest told me I needed to say, that he has “great anxiety, dreadful insomnia and tinnitus and that someone should be putting some thought into what can be done to help” so the psych agreed to prescribe a different medication, he said “ it's more of a sedative and should leave him feeling refreshed after a good nights sleep” I felt like asking for some myself.

His next advice to me was “get yourself out of the house when any verbal abuse starts and only return when things have calmed down” how I was supposed to know if things had calmed down I had no idea, maybe I was to learn how to be psychic. He told me “go to a friends” yet the only ones I have live miles away, he said “you could go to the pub” I only have a daily shopping food budget after rent and all bills are paid so I cannot walk into a pub and just sit there can I, maybe I should or sod the food I shall take up boozing, that should have all the services running to help us. I do not like pubs anyway.

He carried on telling me “when you do return from whatever abuse you have left the house for, ignore your son until he apologises” For fuck sake, my eldests condition means he cannot help his meltdowns, he will never believe he's in the wrong and hell would freeze over before he ever apologised about anything. The psychiatrists next pearl of wisdom was “do not make any eye contact with your son” my eldests condition means he makes no fucking eye contact at all. I always even when I didn't know what was wrong with him would say to him "look at me please" This man in front of me may well have expertise but it sure as hell is not in Aspergers Syndrome. I asked him “have you ever been in the company of children like mine for 24 hours never mind ongoing without a break. He said no. Stupid, stupid, stupid man.

The weather was awful, the rain was lashing down sideways and I was soaked to the skin, firstly by the wanker in the car and also with the lashing rain and it was over a one mile walk. I got my son's prescription from the chemist and got back to house and took his medication up to his bedroom, he didn't even say thank you and he could see how soaked I was. I was not back in the house longer than one minute when he came thundering down the stairs and into the living room and went ballistic at me, absolutely fucking mental at me. He's read and memorised the medication handbook all doctors use and also the diagnostic handbook and he started screaming at me “ these are for fucking schizophrenics and bi polar disorders, are you fucking stupid, they are not recommended for under 18's due to the high suicide rates, are you trying to fucking kill me or want me to fucking kill myself” and off he ran upstairs. I burst into tears. He however was not finished with me and he returned. I told him to bugger off quietly at first then I screamed it. I was soaked to the skin and wanted to get out of my wet clothes and into a bath and clean clothes. His sharp retort was "you just want me to kill myself" my equally childish comeback was “if that's true I would buy you fucking paracetamol by the bucket load you stupid ungrateful git” he wasn't expecting that from me because I normally do not retaliate because I'm so weak when it comes to him, so he left me in peace and I cried my eyes out. I'm doing a lot of that lately. Most days I'm fine and all he says to me is like water off a ducks back but some days it affects me greatly, a kind word now and again, a tiny bit of appreciation would go down well but its not to be for me.

I rang my friend who as always helped calm me down and told me that she knows a solicitor who was looking to help for no payment and asked me would I like to talk to him. I jumped at the chance and he rang me that evening. I need to send him a time line of all that's happened and also my file. He advised me not to write any more angry emails or letters as they will be read as me just letting off steam, I told him I am angry and have every right to be but I will do as he's advised. Another light now to keep me going in this darkness, thank god and thank god for my friend.

I rang the psychiatrist's office telling them I had a crisis. I was told by the receptionist that the psychiatrist would call me back. No return call came that day or the next. The following week on the Monday I rang again and lo and behold the psychiatrist was free, so I told him the story of what happened and asked him “why would you prescribe such a thing if my son is correct about “these are for fucking schizophrenics and bi polar disorders” I got the run around by the psychiatrist, he said “well the medication is also used for” this, that and the other, I told him my son went ape shit. “Well that's alright” he said, “ALRIGHT” I screeched back sounding more and more like the fish wife I now am and totally forgetting my telephone voice, that stupid man was not on the receiving end of my son's fury, I was and the cheeky git was telling me "that's alright" I put phone down on him.

My eldest is not speaking to me. I'm done in and worn out with his awful mood swings and verbal abuse. I rang the original psych place and told them I need to speak to one of their psych's urgently about my eldest. I got told someone will call me back. No call came back.

Phone call from Emlyn, the Social Worker to tell me they have found a young man with expertise in Aspergers and will send him into the house to try and engage with my eldest. I asked him “what expertise does he have” Emlyn sounded flustered and asked me “why can't you just accept what I'm saying and accept the help” That frigging man is getting on my tits big time. I have a right to know who they are sending into my house and what expertise he has and because I've been told so many lies and crap I do not trust or believe a bloody word they say any more. I persisted in asking “what is his expertise”and was told “he has a degree in Social Studies” but I later found out out he's still a bloody college student, so more lies from the powers that be. I was told "you will have to trust us on this Anne" like hell I will, trust has to be earned and shown and they have all done the opposite.

I rang R. C. of Irish Autism Services and told her what Emlyn just told me, she was not happy, she said “I told Anne Kelly I would give my professional input into placing an advertisement for the right person but I'm aware no such advertisement has been placed” She said “I will send a letter about your reservations and will say that your not refusing help, that you just need reassurance that it will be the right help for your eldest otherwise it's a complete waste of time and the only people who will suffer is your eldest, you and youngest”

M from Autism Services came to the house on Monday the 15^th September at 11am. I asked her “why did Autism Services who you work for tell Anne Kelly that all you could offer us was family support yet I've had no support and been offered nothing in any way of support and this is only the third time I've seen you” M said “I was just asked what in general terms could Autism Services offer and we were not asked specifically about your eldest” I said “you have got to be joking me, you're an Autism Service and my son has Autism and any talk from Anne Kelly to you has only ever been about my son who has a bloody diagnosis of Autism and not “generally.” I said “I suppose all this malarkey is just to look good on paper specifically for Pat Dolan's benefit, just another box to tick for them all to be seen as doing something when they are doing absolutely fuck all”

M from Autism Services rang me, she wants to “bring the young man C with Aspergers expertise on Monday at 10.30am and if eldest refuses to see him then C has been told to say “look I have done nothing wrong and I'm just here to help you.” Oh good I thought now I have more idiots to contend with and not a thought of the possible aftermath with me totally alone to face my eldests eruptions, his possible barricading himself in his bedroom and refusal to eat and all that this could mean yet again. But I know if I say no and refuse then it will be noted that Mum is not complying, they really do have us by the short and curlies, and I have to accommodate this young lads timetable, not the other way around. This is complete madness. Complete utter madness.

These are the facts: My eldest is awake all night and cat naps throughout the day, he has severe insomnia. Are they taking this into account, oh no, we have to accommodate them, this is so messed up. So I can no longer go out when I like for my daily shop, I may have had very little sleep myself the previous night due to my eldest but what the fuck, no one cares at all, in fact they do not even ask if any of this is convenient for me.

15^th September: 9.30am

I had to call the psych place as no call came back to me last week.

I spoke to Dr Creane and told him what medication had been prescribed and my eldest going ballistic about it. He said “that’s alright” I said, “no it's not bloody alright when it's me at the receiving end of his rage” he replied “he doesn't have to take them if he doesn't want them” I give up, this man is a fucking eejit and he should know that no one should be prescribing any anti psychotic to a CHILD who is not psychotic. All they do is frigging protect one another.

My eldest is desperate for help with anxiety, severe insomnia and tinnitus. I am trying my best to get him help for his symptoms but they are doling out what they want him to take and my eldest always reads all info on them as he should and he will not take them if he believes they are not appropriate. I have just about had enough and am awaiting the day I completely crack up.

The college student C with no actual experience went up to my eldests room and knocked on his door for five minutes asking him from behind his door “can I come in and say hello then I will leave you in peace” there was no reply from my eldest. Ten minutes later he and M left the house and made arrangements to return in two days time. My eldest meanwhile has another thing to add to MY list of crimes because he's not talking to me again because of “the intrusion of strangers coming into the house and trying to get into my room” even tho he's always informed about everything by me.

On Wednesday the appointed time for the college lad was 1.15pm so I was ready and waiting and informed my eldest “they're coming back and only want to help you” “fuck off out of my room” I was told by him. The Autism professional M turned up, we made small talk, there was no sign of the college student. I told M of my run in with the psychiatrist and trying to get the right medication for my eldest and she said “I will speak to him when I return to my office” she is a really nice girl but I will never forget her lies about my eldest at that consultant psych meeting, she told me “you can ring me any time” she got on her phone to locate the college student and he was still at the bloody college and he had “forgot all about it” but said “I'm on my way now” I was so mad, this is the expert the professionals have had me wait for such a long time for and my son was not even remembered by him. I'm fucking fuming. C arrived 45 mins late, he apologised to me and M and then asked me what computer games my eldest plays then walked upstairs and knocked on my eldests bedroom door and KEPT knocking on his bedroom door, it was just a repeat action of Monday, yet again there was no response from my eldest so yet again they both left saying they would return again next week and try again.

As she had promised, M of Autism Services rang the psychiatrist and then rang me back. The psychiatrist had told her “I will not prescribe medication for a child I have not seen because it would be unethical of me” his sheer hypocrisy and lies made me feel sick, this man had no prior problems prescribing two different anti-psychotics for my son who is not psychotic and is still legally a child without seeing him when I went along to him to get help for my eldest and I simply took his prescription as I was told he had “Aspergers Expertise” what utter fucking bollix, this man knows Jack shit and it amazes me he now gets ethical because another professional was asking him to prescribe correct medication for my eldests anxiety and insomnia so that I didn't give the wrong medication to my eldest and get verbally lashed and reduced to tears by him. You just could not make this shit up. So my eldest was left to suffer with his anxiety and his severe insomnia because he doesn't and won't fit into their little fucking boxes and their fucking total lack of experience. May god whom I no longer believe in, forgive them because I can't.

17^th September

This is a bloody joke, a farce, a nightmare, they haven't got a clue. C the college student came round to do his ground hog day routine again and I had to ask him to stop knocking on my eldests bedroom door. He said my eldest said not a word to him. I told him “I warned you all this would not work” But who the fuck am I. I am only the mother.

The Facts
My eldest has Aspergers Syndrome which means he has sensory issues which means that noise, especially unexpected noise drives him mad. I had off course told him of this visit and of the time this young student was coming to the house to try and engage with him but due to C forgetting meant he came at a different time and proceeded to knock repeatedly on my eldests door. I had to call C down and tell him “no more” because it would be me getting the verbal abuse when he left. He stayed for 40 mins then left. I was told that this was to be tried twice a week till my eldest got used to C coming and they expected him to then engage as he would get used to C coming to the house. Yeah right, stroll on idiots.

I had asked C “what experience have you had with Aspergers Syndrome” and he told me “I helped and worked as a volunteer at a Special Needs Summer Camp and played football with two lads who had Aspergers” God in heaven help me, we are not talking about a condom, a one size fits all here, the fact that he had played football with two lads who have Aspergers Syndrome should have told him this, they were able to leave their house, my son can't. They were able to be with other people, my son can't. They were able to play football at a summer camp, my son can't. It must be me that has something seriously wrong in my head if I'm the only person that can see these things plainly and clearly. And I have to allow this to happen or will get no help at all as it will be noted down on their made up files somewhere that mum is non compliant. It's fucking mental. They are fucking mental.

I rang my new GP and asked for her advice on medication for my eldest. I told her what the new Psychiatrist had prescribed, anti psychotics and of my eldests outburst to me about them. She said Risperdol is best for calming and helping sleep. I told my eldest what the new doctor said and he again went mental at me “you just want me to fucking kill myself” I cannot do right for doing wrong any more as far as he's concerned. Why in god's name is he not helping himself out of this shit instead of using me as his verbal dart board.

I found this on a website and I'm going to make sure that I always remember it:

"Risperdal is an anti-psychotic, your kid has Autism, not a mental problem, Autism is not a mental problem, it's genetic. Risperdal is a neuroleptic drug that is toxic to the frontal lobes of the brain- the part of the brain most responsible for our capacity for empathy, planning and feelings, but which above all else is responsible for humanity"

Fuck me, there is more on the internet than in so called professionals brains.

M from Autism Services rang me again after talking to the Psychiatrist Dr M about specific medication for my eldests anxiety and insomnia. I was struck dumb by what she had to tell me. She said the Psychiatrist said again, “it wouldn't be ethical for me to prescribe any medication for a child I've not see” It didn't fucking stop him prescribing anti psychotics twice to a child he's not seen. My eldest is going to go ballistic at me and think I'm not trying to help him. That Psychiatrist is a toad of a man. M also told the psychiatrist “C's visits are not proving successful” she was told by that stupid man “you all have to be patient and he will engage eventually” I told M “I want that in writing” What it all really means is keep wasting time, keep stressing out my eldest and so me, keep interrupting what little frigging privacy I do have and just carry on till my eldest is 18 years old and no longer their fucking problem. I bet they are praying for the day I disappear and they are all left in peace. my eldest will not fit into their little professional boxes so they just wash their hands off him, how dare they, what kind of “care or caring” is that. It's a charade. I want to SCREAM THE PLACE DOWN. It's all a huge big mess. Almost 3 years since I left that wicked ex and I'm still no further forward, we still have no home of our own, I still have no legal separation, I still have no financial settlement, I still have no work life, social life or sex life. I might have had my own business by now if I had stayed in London and my eldest gives me nothing but crap that I certainly do not deserve, want or need.

I received another offer of doing a level 8 college course today but yet again I can do Jack shit because of my eldest. Where is the so called support. Where is Emlyn, the social worker who's supposed to be “Primary Support” and told me he was “my eldests social worker”

They have all disappeared off planet earth.

20^th September

I was at my Advocacy Studies for the Disability Sector course paid for by Irish Autism Services. It was great to be out and focussing on something else and having adult company. I am also going to the monthly carers meetings too.

My chest has been dreadful because I caught my youngests nasty head cold, so it then went on to my chest. My youngest had ended up in casualty with it last Friday, He had an asthma attack and he also had tonsillitis but thank god he's now okay. I hardly had any sleep firstly with my youngest being ill then me and I was non stop coughing which I couldn't seem to do properly, there was no strength behind my cough at all.

At college the tutor told me to breathe thu a paper bag, she said it worked for a lot of people with asthma. At the lunch break I walked with a lovely lad called Johnny to the French Market but I could not exhale properly at all, I got so worried, I went home walking very slow and thought I was going to pass out in the street. I felt very faint. I could breath in okay but I had great difficulty exhaling. I was petrified.

My youngest went up to casualty with me. I was taken to a bed straight away then left for two hours and was seen by no one. I had to get my youngest to go find someone for me because I was getting worse and panic was now taking over. The same lovely American doctor who treated my youngest said she recognised me and checked me out. She told me “you are very ill, your chest has closed down” I was put on a nebuliser with steroids twice, then steroids pumped directly into my vein, then anti biotics into my vein, my blood pressure she said was “sky high” I've never had that before, she said she was admitting me. I told her no and explained why, she then wanted blood gases from an artery in my wrist, it was fine when the needle was going in but my artery blew up and looked like a very fat sausage lying on my wrist. My youngest went as white as a sheet on seeing that. That pain was indescribable, like a truck was parked on top of my wrist and it took a long time of pressure on it for it to go back to normal. I was black and blue, even the palm of my right hand turned black and blue. The American Doctor again said “I'm very worried about you and believe it's best that you stay here at least for the night” I told her what the consequences of that happening would mean for my kids “my eldest would probably be carted away into a psych ward and my youngest with emergency foster parents and that is not going to happen as long as I live and still breath” The doctor told my youngest, “your mum is really ill and needs looking after” he nodded his head. Her shift had ended and she told me “just sit tight until the blood results come back” and she wished me luck.

Another doctor came to me, less friendly this time, she said “I'm transferring you to a ward” yet again I said no and told her why. She said “the blood gases need to be done again because the sample we took previously have been damaged” that was probably done by a man in a white coat that my youngest and I saw drop many bags of blood on the floor. She said she had to take blood from my wrist again and said “it will not hurt” I said look at my palm, wrist and arm, I'm black and blue, I've just had it done and it feels like the wheels of a truck are still sitting on my wrist” so I refused. I told her “I need to get home and more tests just meant more waiting” she checked my chest and said “it sounds much better now” I know it is because I could breathe out properly and cough again. She let me out at 11pm, 10 hours after first getting there.

Me and my youngest went straight to town. I got a takeaway meal for the boys because they'd only eaten bacon sandwiches that I'd made them for lunch hours before and we got a cab home. My youngest told me a million times how rough I looked and that he'd never seen me look that bad before. I knew I'd be okay as long as I got more than three hours sleep which has been all I've the past week. The hospital gave me steroid tablets, two inhalers and a prescription. My youngest told my eldest once we got back home “mum is really ill” eldest replied “whatever” He is one horrible boy who will say and do anything so long as it hurts me. I went straight to bed and again no sleep came, I heard every news headline on the radio from 1am till 6am then I nodded off to sleep for an hour.

21^st September

I went looking for a chemist that was open on a Sunday to get my prescription and picked up another inhaler and more antibiotic’s and two more weeks of steroids. I got shopping for the boys dinner then returned home. My youngest had refused to come with me to help me. My kids really do not give a flying fuck about me, I should just walk out and leave them. So much for a doctor telling him “your mum is really ill and needs looking after” not even the offer of a cup of tea have I had. I am a mug for staying with them at all. I made them dinner then went back to bed putting sheets up against the window to make the room dark enough to see if that helped me get some sleep, no joy but I did get five hours of sleep later on.

22^nd September

My new doctor was on holiday so I had to see a different doctor, she checked my chest and blood pressure, both are now fine, thank god.

I decided to research home study for my eldest, all those professionals and not one has done bugger all for him. I rang FETAC and an e college in Dublin, I was given a FETAC place to ring and spoke to a S. D. who was very helpful but he said they could only go ahead with a referral from FETAC. He said they can then provide a computer and all needed for their IT course which ended with a Microsoft Specialisation. I spoke to my eldest about it, he said he was all for doing it. The man I need to speak to is P. L. but he wasn't there. I rang M the Education Welfare Officer and told her what I've found and she said it sounds perfect for my son.

My youngest rang me after school to tell me the train station was shut and a sign was up saying the train's been cancelled and he was dying for the toilet, he said a bus will be provided instead but he wont get home until 8pm. It was now 4.15pm. FFS. My eldest asked me what was wrong so I told him, he said he would pay for a cab to get my youngest home, it cost €30. This is not sustainable, how in god's name can I pay him back but I'm pleased that my youngest could get home faster and that my eldest was at least thinking about his brother.

Email from the HSE, the woman said she's trying to set up a meeting for me with Pat Dolan but she needs more details. I replied asking what more details could they possibly need. The HSE have had me and my family under a microscope. I've told every bugger, everywhere, everything in an attempt to get my eldest services, supports and help.

I forwarded all to a solicitor called K. H. who helped another family. He asked for my permission to reply for me and said he would attend any meetings they set up with me. How kind is he.

R.C. and K. W. of Irish Autism Services both sent a letter to the HSE requesting a meeting due to my dissatisfaction about C coming to the house because it's not working and is distressing my eldest and so my eldest is stressing me out with his foul temper, his threats and his foul mouth. Neither of them got a reply back from anyone from the HSE. How fucking rude.

24^th September

Emlyn, the social worker rang me. I asked him “where have you been hiding because I've not heard a squeak out of you” he laughed and said “I've been hiding at the social work department” He said “I heard Chinese whispers that you've been ill, how are you now and in case, god forgive, it ever happens again, can you come up with three names and contact details so in the first instance we can call these people to come and sit with the lads and allow you to stay in hospital if need be” I told him “my best friend lives in ------------- and is down as my next of kin but she's full time in college and has a family so she cannot be possibly expected to drop everything and sit with my teenage sons when she has her hands full as it is and the only other person is my adult daughter who has a family too and is talking about going to Australia so just use any three names from the 7 dwarfs. Emlyn said “if you cannot provide us with three contacts then it will be emergency foster care for the boys or with their father” I told him “over my dead frigging body” and cut him off. What a prick he is. Threats do not work on me.

My youngest is being a total pain in my arse, he is viscous with his words to me and the way he's talking to me, he told me this morning “go fucking die” as if life isn't hard enough for me, he has to start making it that little bit worse. Thanks for that son.

28^th September

My youngest is picking fights with me about and over everything, anything I say, anything I suggest. He snapped “I want to leave, I hate this fucking country, I want to go back to London and go to college there, the schools here are shit, I am so far behind I'm stressing out about the Junior Cert exams and I hate your fucking guts for making me come back here when I told you I didn't want to and I told you what would happen all over again and it has, hasn't it, you never fucking listen to me and you have no respect for me or what I want” I told him “it's not as simple as moving back to London because you will have nowhere to live” he said “I will live with my sister” I said “she has her own life and her family and will not for a minute put up with the verbal abuse you spout” he replied “I have respect for her” which means he was telling me he had none for me, his own mother. I was utterly deflated. I felt so hurt and was also furious. I left the house feeling very sorry for myself and very tearful and went to town on my own all the while thinking, who the hell is raising him, loving him, feeding him, clothing him, putting a roof over his head, providing money and everything for him, going without for him. The only time I'm even acknowledged is when I don't or cannot do something for him or for my eldest and don't they both let me know about it in a bucket full of bile so I'm going on strike, they're not paralysed from the neck down, they're fit and able and healthy so they can fend for themselves and see if any respect comes out of them then. I am taking an overdue break from running to their every need in this house.

I got back to the house with the shopping and all was quiet.

I wrote a note telling my youngest “if you're hungry, you can get your own food, if you want a hot meal, cook it, if you don't know how to, google it like you do everything else and you can get yourself up for school from now on and if you over sleep you can go into school late and ring the taxi man in the morning yourself if you're not going to school”

I went up to my bedroom and lay down. My youngest must have lifted the note from the kitchen because he walked up to my bedroom and threw something at me, it was the note I wrote him and it was now rolled up into a small ball and he was laughing his head off, he kept saying “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you” and laughed his way back down the stairs. I do not know who this boy is at all in this moment but I know I did not like him one bit. He's acting deranged.

29^th September

My youngests alarm went off and no sound came from his room at all, five times I told him what the time was, he said he was cold, which was nonsense because the heating was on. He then told me he wasn't going to school and I couldn't make him, I told him to ring the taxi man because he'd be at the house soon, he laughed and in sing song fashion chanted “fuck off, fuck off, fuck off” and my stress levels went thru the roof. I pulled his duvet off his bed, he screamed at me “fuck off and get out of my room” I told him “I'm not going to be spoken to in this way and how dare you disrespect me and if you think you're going down same the route as eldest then you can think again because it's not going happen and you're not allowed on the internet until you apologise and grow up”

9.30am I rang Emlyn, the social worker and told him everything that had happened and I'm not putting up with any shit from anyone and especially not my youngest son, I'm not going thru same crap and abuse from my youngest that I do with my eldest and I've gone on strike as far as they're both concerned. Emlyn said “well done, it's about time you got tough with them” I said “I need you to talk to my youngest and I need my youngest away on a respite break, away from me till I'm physically able to handle this because I'm still trying to recover from my hospital visit, I have a nasty chest infection and I'm wiped out” He asked me what was going on, I told him “come round and find out” He said he had to talk to Maeve, his boss and Anne Kelly first and would call me back if he couldn't come round. I said “if you do not come round to the house then I will walk and I never make threats, I carry out what I say and I will do so, so you better start looking fast into that emergency foster care you threatened me with concerning my sons last week or are you full of empty threats because I'm not and I will walk”

Emlyn did come out to the house, he told me “you look awful since the last time I saw you” I told him about my youngest and said “I'm not fit for any more grief or strife” He tried to talk to my youngest thru his bedroom door, he got ignored. Emlyn told me “I cannot just go walking into his room if he doesn't want to talk to me” I said “that didn't stop Del, the other social worker trying to walk into my eldests room without my knowledge or his consent” I said “I'm not going thru the same crap I do with my eldest, no way is my youngest going down that route” Emlyn left saying “there's nothing I can do” I was shocked, he could see the state of me, almost on my knees with being ill and stress on top and he's supposed to be “Primary Support” but he just left.

He rang me in the afternoon and asked me “can you not get daughter over to give you some support” I said “she's a married woman with two young children and has her own life, so no I don't expect her to drop everything and come travel all this way and my support is supposed to come from you, I was told that you are the “primary support” and my youngest will not let up cursing at me and telling me what he thinks about me, like I should go die and I'm still ill” He said “if you had to go into hospital we would be calling her and this is a similar crisis so you either call her or I will”

I rang my adult daughter myself she said she would come over but not to tell her brothers because she was going to give them the shock of their lives over how they're treating me.

My sons were in the kitchen making themselves a sandwich, it looks like they're capable after all when they have to be. They were acting as if they were disgusted with me. I could clearly hear them because I was only in next room and they knew fine well that I could hear them, they were telling one another all that they thought about me, the names they were calling me was appalling, “evil bitch” “mad whore” “psychopathic cunt” “fat bastard” amongst other things. Their father taught them well with their choice of words. I thought of them as toddlers and all I did with them learning to walk, talk and read before they attended any school and this is how they use what I taught them, vulgar words that ripped my heart apart.

My youngest came into the living room and asked me “what are the chances of you going out and getting milk in for us” I told him “use your own feet and legs and walk the two miles into town like I usually have to do” “Not doing it” he said. “Go without then” I said. I heard my eldest say “she's just like fucking dad, she's going to starve us out of here, she's going to dump us, get rid of us, don't even speak to her, if I hear you even speak to her then I will give you the beating of your life”

I ended up giving in and going to Dunnes that evening, I picked up microwave food for them so they had something easy to make. I didn't do it for them, I did it for me, my guilty conscience but why I should feel guilt I don't know. I suppose all mothers would feel like this. I do so wish I was made of sterner stuff. Not an ounce of appreciation was given and both are not speaking to me. I'm past caring. I need to get healthy physically because I'm so drained and still ill. As soon as I finish one lot of antibiotics I'm on another lot.

Emlyn, the social worker came round to the house again on the 30^th of September. I told him “I'm running for the hills, I'm ill, I need to rest and where the hell is the family support that's apparently in place” he said “we provided C and a youth worker for your youngest and this is really a job for Autism Services” Here we go again I thought, just pass the buck, pass the parcel, in other words just leave me to deal and cope with it all alone. I could cope if I wasn't so ill but at this minute in time I am ill and I need help and I'm asking for it. I feel as helpless and as weak as a kitten. My sons are a disgrace and I do not like them when they're like this. If I was abusing them then I know this place would be crawling with help and supports. But when it's the mother who's getting abused then fuck all is done. No one cares at all.

Emlyn called my youngest to come down the stairs and he came down which surprised me. I stayed in the kitchen until I heard my youngest storming out roaring at Emlyn “you're as thick as shit” I was ashamed of my own son. I asked Emlyn “what have you done to cause that reaction” and he told me “I just put the lad straight and he's just furious at being confronted over his behaviour” I told Emlyn my adult daughter was coming over” he said “I will give her a chance to settle down after her journey then I'll come out with Maeve (his boss) and see what can be done and discuss your choices and options” I told him to just come to the door as he'd arranged to do on Thursday because I'm always up early anyway.

As soon as Emlyn left the house my youngest went ballistic “ what the fuck did you say to him to make him treat me like a criminal” The only reason I stayed so calm and didn't explode myself was because I'd no energy in me, he went on and on and on and he screamed and he roared at me, “tell me what you fucking said about me you evil bitch” then he said “I hope you die” and he ran upstairs and got my eldest involved by filling his head with crap about how he'd just got treated like a criminal by Emlyn “so she, the evil cunt, must have said something really bad about me and will not fucking tell me” my eldest asked him “why are you surprised, you know what she's like” I have no idea what he means and I really didn't care. my youngest ran down the stairs and pulled the internet cable out of my laptop and told me “if I'm not allowed to go on the internet then neither the fuck are you” and he ran to his bedroom with it. The sheer cheek of him, only I pay the bills in this house. He barricaded his bedroom but I got in easily enough, he refused to give me the cable back. I had college stuff to get done because I was way behind after being so ill. I was not allowing this to happen. My eldest came out of his room and screamed at me “get the fuck out of youngests room or else” I told him to mind his own business, he was screaming in my face “I'm calling the fraud Dept of the Government because you're taking €60 of my money every week and taking it before I even get to see it” I asked him “Are you stupid, it's in my name otherwise how would I be able to collect it and it puts a roof over your head, the electricity you use that is now on 24 hours a day because you're awake all night long, the internet you have access to, heating, the food you eat, the clothes I buy you, and if you think you can find some place to live that will provide all that including a full time skivvy then be my guest and move out as soon as you can” He went back into his room and returned with a pair of scissors, he screamed at youngest “cut her fucking internet cable so the bitch can't ever go online again” He repeated it and was yelling it louder and my youngest said “no” I told them I was calling the Garda but instead I rang Emlyn. I was in despair, Emlyn wasn't in, I asked for Maeve, his boss, she was in a meeting, a message will be left, my call would be returned. I rang back again at 4pm, Maeve was still not free, Emlyn was still not in, the girl Caroline said she would make sure the message was passed on and yes she would tell them it was an emergency. No call came back. I should have just rang the Garda but I would have felt ashamed at bringing them into the house, my generation do not do that.

I rang my adult daughter, she said ignore them, how in gods name can I. She said she would make sure that they got the shock of their lives when she arrived.

My sons are now as thick as thieves, they have done more chatting together in a couple of days than their whole lives together, a case of strength in numbers. I could hear them because they wanted me to hear them, they were seeing who could come up with the most abusive “word for her” I did not know they knew such words to say or that I would ever hear them come out of my my youngests mouth. I asked my youngest to close the door when he was in kitchen, his reply was “I'm doing fuck all for you, you psychopathic whore” I should have just opened the front door and launched him out of it by the seat of his pants but I would have had my eldest to contend with too, he would have probably launched me out and let my youngest in. I was far too ashamed to call the Garda to the house. I wanted to but my prior experience with them re the ex meant I had no faith in them whatsoever and Christ knows where my sons would have ended up. But they really do need the shock of their lives, how dare they put me thru the Domestic Abuse their father did.

My youngest spent the night telling my eldest “she's a psychopathic fucking whore” When I went to the toilet he shouted out to eldest “watch out it's the psychopathic fucking whore” I wanted to strangle him but I was more upset that he thought this and could say this about his own Mum. They have morphed into their father, god help me.

Daughter arrived with the kids, she ran straight up the stairs asking both youngest and eldest “do you know why I've had to drag my kids over here” youngest said “dunno” eldest did not come out of his room at all. Daughter said “because you are treating my mum like shit and it's going to stop now” my eldest then roared out his latest and newest insult about me, “she's a fucking drunk” Daughter told him “if you are man enough to roar that then get out of your room and face me” he didn't. She shouted “and if mum's a drunk why is she not pissed now, why is there no smell of booze in this place, she would reek of booze if she was a drunk, and even if she was, what business would it be of yours” She then warned them both “my kids are downstairs so if there is any shouting or swearing done in front of them, you will both know what I'm capable of” The house went quiet.

I told daughter “I can't do this any more” she said “dump them both with their father and see if they're man enough towards him with their filthy mouths and threats” she said “you look like shit and you need to leave with me even if it's just a break away from them both as you really do look ill and drained” She said “if you don't then you will crack up and what good would that do” I was far too ill, tired and dizzy to even think straight or discuss it.

2^nd October

I rang Emlyn,the social worker, he wasn't there. I left a message saying I rang twice yesterday and had an emergency after he'd left my house and no one rang me back and if he did not call me I will just let my solicitor know. He later rang me and spoke to daughter, he told her “I've been waiting for your mum to contact me so I can come round” that was not true at all. I told him to call round as he'd arranged because I was always up early. I'm so sick of liars.

Emlyn came out to the house at 11am. Daughter asked him “If I take mum back to the UK what's going to happen to eldest and youngest because I will not put up with them” Emlyn said “ I don't know but if you take them back to UK with you too then I will contact the UK social Work Dept. and fill them in on all going on with the family” Daughter said “you have not answered my question” and asked him again “if I take mum home this weekend with me to London, what are you going to do about eldest and youngest” Emlyn again said “I do not know” then said weirdly “I suppose Valium has worked before” What he just said made no sense at all. Daughter said “I do not feel comfortable leaving my mum in this state here, I will at least take my youngest brother away for a break because he's going down the same abusive path as eldest and I'll put a halt to that” Emlyn said “that can only happen if mum agrees to it” and asked me “do you agree" I said “I have no bloody choice because you lot do nothing, you cannot even return a call when told it's an emergency” Daughter told him “I can only be here for a couple of days so what are my mums options because she clearly cannot carry on like this alone” Emlyn said “Mum has talked about going back to England but how it happens I don't know but she has no supports here in Ireland so this might be her first option” which was nonsense because I had no finances to get me to town never mind the UK. He asked me “will you be okay living alone with your eldest” I said “no, I wont but who cares” I then asked him “so my options are my son leaves the country so that means there are actually no options at all” Emlyn shrugged his shoulders. He told daughter “it was lovely to meet you” and he left. So this meeting about options and choices are I have no options or choice at all. Services, supports and help has not existed no matter what they put on paper, no matter how many meetings they hold and no matter what promises they make or what lies they tell or write on reports or say at bullshit meetings.

I said to my adult daughter “even the Kray Twins loved and adored their mother” I know because I knew their bloody father who lived in same high rise block of flats as me, I said “what the hell have I done that's so bad” she said “it's just because of their age because they're teenagers” I told her “you were bad as a teenager but you were never this bad because you did not ever call me such bad names”

When daughter left, my youngest went with them and I broke down. My eldest could not give a shit. My problem is I give too much of a shit.

6^th October 11.30am

Emlyn, the social worker rang me, he said “did your youngest get away okay” I said “I don't want to talk to you or talk about my youngest” he persisted “what day did he go” I told him “Saturday so fill in your file and leave me the hell alone because you don't find that hard to do at any other time” and I put the phone down on him. He has not an ounce of sense in him. I'm broken hearted that my son is hundreds of miles away from me for the first time in his life, our relationship seems to be broken into a million pieces and thru no fault of my own because I've not a clue what this is all about, I have no clue how he morphed into this person I do not know and I do not recognise him because my youngest was never like this.

Daughter rang me saying youngest went for a hair cut and it's short and he's telling her he wants to stay in London and doesn't want to come back to Ireland, he told her he didn't want to come back 2 years ago either but no one would listen to him, in other words I did not listen to him. Daughter said she's calling his bluff and told him he's going to school with no arguments, youngest told her he's not but she told him “you have no choice in the matter mate” she said “it's obvious that he's missing you” but she did not expand about that. She said “he can stay for as long as he likes but he's not going to be sitting in my gaff all day long so he signs up for a school or he's out on his ear or goes back home to you” I felt like I would die if he didn't come back. It saddens me to say that he's been my only reason for living for the past 6 years.

I sent N of the agency I trust a text letting her know what's been going on because I was unable to talk about it last week to her. She sent me a message asking me to think about support housing in Dublin, she said “no one can sustain the level of crisis after crisis you've had to carry alone or the domestic abuse your now going thru hourly, daily from your children and a Women’s Refuge in Dublin can offer both you and your sons individual support workers, it will help you as a woman who has gone thru and still is going thru Domestic Abuse and it will help your sons with all they have gone thru with their dad and see that how they're treating you is Domestic Abuse and being taught on the subject by the refuge will allow them to see it and to stop it before it's too late or they will just carry on with it thru out their adult lives” I said “I will talk to my sons about it” she told me “think of yourself for once because you need company, support and help. It could also mean that expert professionals could help your eldest because they would have more experience in Dublin” The thought of it terrified me, moving to such a big city, moving again. I haven't got an ounce of energy left in me.

I was furious with my eldest and his accusation that I'm fraudulently taking his money so I sat him down after he started talking to me again, about rugby of all things. I showed him my receipts for food shopping, the rent, the electric, UPC, ESB, youngests school expenses. He asked me “why are you showing me them” I said “it's time you knew what the real world's all about because nothing is free, I do not even have a social life because every penny is accounted for in the house and nothing is left for anything outside of it” I asked him “do you want to live in a place of your own” he told me no. I told him about the place N told me about, he was very enthusiastic about us moving to Dublin. I told him, I'm only thinking about it. He said after checking out where the place is, that the city is only 3 miles away and he can go to music school and it will cost him €300 per lesson! He said there are many training courses on offer and he would like to attend them because no one will know him so he'll be okay about leaving the house if he lived there. I no longer get my hopes up about anything he says but he's upbeat and happy about it all.

I told my adult daughter about Dublin, she said “you're mad because you should just go home to the UK” I said “and how do I do that then when I'm homeless and got sod all help with housing when I was in London and my eldest has serious issues so we cannot just jump on a plane even if I had a spare cent to my name to do so” she said “force him to go or just leave him there” That was not helpful at all for fuck sake.

I rang N and said, yes please about the refuge especially the on-site support because it will stop my biggest bug bear, my isolation, she told me they have an empty house now so we need to be quick with form filling because it's a very detailed process.

My youngest rang me, daughter had told him about Dublin, he asked me lots of questions about it. Daughter then came on the phone, she said she would have good chat to youngest later, because she might have to contact the authorities and let them know that he's with her for the moment in case Emlyn does it before her but if she gets him into a school there's no way she's having him change his mind and leave so he better make up his mind once and for all and not be messing me or her about.

N rang me, she had spoken to the refuge they are sending out a referral form to her and an application to me. I have to go thru an interview process.

My eldest told me he has OCD, he said he's has had it for years, that he needs to keep doing the sign of the cross, up, down, left and right, that it started when he first used a games console and if he touched anything he has to do this many times and it's driving him nuts. He said he told E.D from Nua Health Care when he was at the house. E.D did not tell me and neither did my eldest. He said he found medication he needs to help him and it's called Xanax. I tried to get a Doctors appointment for him but the doctor was fully booked, I explained the situation and got told to call at 10.30am tomorrow morning and the receptionist would see if she could fit him in to see the doctor then.

Daughter sent me a text that my youngest is coming back to Ireland. I'm a bit peeved that he couldn't ring me himself to let me know. When he did ring me, there was no apology for his behaviour, all he wanted to do was talk about the move to Dublin, he asked me when was it happening etc. I'm really concerned that he's acting just like his father and it needs to be nipped in the bud now. If he can disrespect his own mother so badly then how will he treat woman when he's older.

My friend rang me, she got a letter about the next meeting Social Work are having, I told her I've received nothing, she couldn't believe that. She said her letter is dated the 6^th and she's far away so how I'd not received any letter and I'm living in the same area as social work, she doesn't know. She told me who's been invited, it's all the usual crew plus the “anti psychotic prescriber Psychiatrist” and C, the college student. I'm raging. Why is K.W from Irish Autism Action not on the list, he is exactly who should be there for my eldests sake. The other K, the solicitor seems to have disappeared off the planet, given up on us with no explanation, I sent him an email asking for my file back, a short and sweet reply came back from him saying “OK”

I sent R. C. of Irish Autism Action a text telling her about the next meeting plus I have not received any letter about it but I found out who's going and I want K.W there for my eldest because someone has to start talking for my eldest and I don't want C, the college student there because he's just a kid and not a professional. No reply.

I rang N and spoke about the refuge and all it concerned. I spoke to her about my youngest and my fear he's only returning to Ireland because Daughter wants to force him into a school whether he likes it or not and my fear is that his awful mouth and insults will continue. N said the refuge staff, if we move, will help him. I have to go see her on Friday.

I rang college, my essay was due in and I've not done it due to all that's been going on in the house, the tutor I spoke to was great, we had long chat about getting our legal rights, what a lovely lady.

My youngest rang me to tell me he's coming back, I asked him outright if it was only because his sister was going to put him in a school, he said “yes” quickly followed by “that's not the only reason” so that has just told me everything I needed to know. I am a fool as far as this son of mine is concerned. He knows it and I know it. My eldest asked me “why the fuck are you letting him back, it's peaceful here without him” I told him he had a bloody short memory after all he's said and done, he stomped away and I did not even care if he did not talk to me for a year. The fucking cheek of him to be criticising anyone when he acts and talks the way he does to me.

Emlyn, the social worker rang me, “want to check in with you because I thought you sounded so down on Monday” I asked him “what the hell did you expect, me throwing a party or out and about on the town” I told him “I'm bloody well furious at you, I'm furious at you all” he sounded incredulous about me saying that to him. I suppose they don't expect us mere minions to speak our minds or tell them the truth. I said “I live in Ireland, my children live in Ireland and my kids should have been helped in Ireland and one of them had to travel 500 frigging miles away” He said “it was your choice” I said “I have no choice regarding any aspect of my life, I do not in fact have a bloody life” He said “things are happening behind the scenes and anything I can do to help just ask me” I told him “I need to get my eldest to the Doctor” he said “ if you have any problems getting him an appointment let me know and I will ring for you” My antenna was on red alert, why was he now being so helpful. I told him “us having umpteen professionals in our lives to look good on paper does not mean I've been given any support except constant meetings since 2006 so I'm making plans to leave and my youngest has never felt or been safe here anyway after all those feral shits bullied him both at school and in the street and no services, supports or help has been given to my eldest for the two miserable long and lonely years we've had to endure” He said “are you going back to London, would you all not be happier there, I can arrange to contact the social work there and give them all history” I said “how the hell can I do that then, I have no money and no home to go to and a son who does not leave the bloody house” He asked “have you given it any thought where you will go” I said “I'm checking online” He said “when you know where you're going and when you're going, let me know” He will probably fly the flags high when that happens. I'm telling them Jack shit till it's all secured.

Daughter rang, she said she got my youngest a flight on Saturday the 18^th so that means I'll miss another Saturday of college. I may as well just give it up. Her husband will fly over with him and he'll return home without leaving the airport. I already sent her €220 for his flight and €150 for his keep and now I need to find another €200 for this flight plus €70 for a taxi to get him back from the airport and I do not have a spare penny to my name.

I rang the Doctor again. I told them my eldest has agreed to be seen because he needs help with anxiety and insomnia and has not been medically checked since taking an overdose and he realises now that he will not be prescribed anything unless he's seen in person but he'll need an emergency anxiety tablet to get him out of the house. They have no appointments till the 23^rd. I'm hoping he doesn't change his mind when the 23^rd comes.

I ended up ringing an Autism Society in London. I told them I'm wrecked with all this. They looked up what services are in Ireland. I already have a friend who's a great support but it's phone calls only. She told me about Irish Autism Action, yes I said, I have them too but only as advocates for HSE meetings. She said there must be Special Needs in your area, I said yes but they just attend meetings and are very vocal but not one call or visit have we had. I told her Autism Services told me it's the psych place and the Mental Health Team's responsibility who should be dealing with eldest and the psych place tell me it's Autism who should be dealing with it. The woman said you need a solicitor because Autism is not Mental Health. I told her I do not have a pot to piss in and here in Ireland you are the lowest on the food chain when you have fuck all money. She encouraged me not to give up or give in.

R. C. rang me, she asked if I received any letter from the HSE re the next meeting I told her no, she said she hadn't either and it's out of order and unprofessional of them not to answer a letter from other professionals, she said she will send them a stern email and let them know I'm not happy about C, the college student attending the meeting and having access to all to do with my family when he's only a college student. I said I doubt they will even care.

A maintenance cheque for one week came thru the door from the court. FFS, it will take 5 days to clear. I'm not going to worry, it has to go towards all the money I need to find for my youngests flight back here and his cab fare from the airport.

I had a meeting with N for filling in forms for the refuge in Dublin. N said she believes I've not been allowed to move on from the ex, she said I'm stuck because of the very obvious financial control he's still exerting and he would know how trapped I would be by how he left my eldest but she thinks the refuge will be great for us all. It took a long time to fill in the application forms in full detail. I fully trust N so I'm now happy to at least try for my own sake because I will have support around leaving the ex and anything that can help my sons will be a bonus. It has got to work out or we are sunk completely.

The ex is back in my head, the chaos, the mental torture, the abject cruelty. I truly am glad to be shot of him but what a fucking legacy he's left us all with, he truly is a mad man. What and how long will it take to have my dreams realised. A normal life for me and my sons, a house of our own, to be happy again. I hope this place in Dublin with supports, holds the key to set us all free to be happy with my eldest able to mix with others and my youngest able to get his education back on track without being bullied. To hear them laugh out loud again, for them to have friends again. No one will ever know how mad the ex really is and how much control he had over us and me trying to tell it to anyone makes me sound like a weakling, but the only way I can explain it is when abuse does not happen every day you think things will eventually be okay.

Someone online told me this: How to boil a frog:

They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will leap out right away to escape the danger. But, if you put a frog in a pot that is filled with water that is cool, and then you gradually heat the pot until it starts boiling, the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late. The frog's survival instincts are geared towards detecting sudden changes. That describes Domestic Abuse. That man damaged us all, he still does, his last vestige of control is money and not giving a shit about his own kids. Yes, we do need help, that much I do know, I can only hope and pray that me and my eldest start trusting again, enough to get that help, whatever form it comes in. The professionals here certainly did nothing to earn our trust. So we will be moving to Dublin, hopefully in about 4 weeks time, hopefully to leave the past behind us and for us all to be happy and healed.

The house is very quiet, my eldest had his dinner and said he was tired, he chatted to me about a group called “Alice in Chains” I never heard of them before, he went to bed at 6pm so I sat with a notebook and made lists of what I need to do for us to move yet again.

12^th October

I did not have a good day. I started packing and cleaning. I think I was supposed to meet a bloke from Studio 3 in Tullamore today, I have no transport, no money and no idea where the place is either

13^th October

K the solicitor rang me at 10pm. He apologised for the time he was ringing and also because I still hadn’t got my file back from him yet. He said he's very busy working on a case and told me he was going to a Disability Conference in Dublin, he said he will talk to the Minister for Justice and that I should get my file back on Tuesday and to keep him posted about the HSE meeting on Wednesday because he's had no reply as yet from Pat Dolan. I told him I'd been told that something is going on behind the scenes and that Emlyn, the social workers whole attitude towards me has changed because he's being nice and friendly.

Copy of email that K. H Solicitor sent to Pat Dolan that was not replied to, sent on 2^nd October

"Dear Mr. Dolan

Apart from the catalogue of failure by the HSE in discharging its responsibilities to the X family I am now given to understand that it has been a constant theme of a HSE Social Worker to encourage Mrs X to relocate to the UK. Some 'progress' seems to have been made on this front -in that it now proposed that Mrs. X's younger son return with his older sister who has visited to try and help - to live in a two bed flat in England with her husband and two young children. I suggest to you that the steps which I now understand to be under way and which the HSE are facilitating, are in beach of the HSE's obligations under the Children's Acts and the constitutional rights of Mrs. X and her family. It is of course open to this office as of now, to seek an injunction citing the HSE as Respondent. We therefore request an urgent reply from you. If her youngest were to leave, this leaves the matter of Mrs. X, a severe asthmatic to cope with her 16 year old autistic son of 6'2" who refuses to come put of his room and who on foot of the neglect his condition has suffered, has become prone to a more violent attitude. Mrs. X tells me that the issue of her returning to the UK has been a predominant topic of conversation with the Social Worker. Can I ask is it the policy of the HSE to export or otherwise dispose of families for whom it cannot or otherwise will not provide the adequate supports to protect their welfare and family life ? If Mrs .X were to be provided with the means of 'repatriation' -what does the HSE intend for my her eldest. Is it a question of sitting on its corporate hands until he reaches the age of 18 and is then flushed out of the HSE' ambit ? Perhaps Mrs. X and her family and the treatment they have (or perhaps not received) in conjunction with her nationality, may as a starting point, be of some interest to the Equality Tribunal ? Perhaps I am in error here, and I would be glad to be convinced that the neglect of these people is not now being compounded by a a rather callous dismemberment of the family unit as a matter of convenience"

The wonderful man who sent the above letter on my behalf asked for no fee from me because he's just a wonderful human being going out of his way to help underdogs like me.

13^th October

Mary Talbot from Special Needs had her secretary ring me asking if I could take a call from her. I found that weird, imagine having someone else make a phone call for you. Mary came on the phone, “how are you, can you meet me for lunch tomorrow, just me and you” I smelt a rat. Why was she inviting me for lunch the day before an HSE meeting that Irish Autism Action had asked for as a matter of urgency?

M of Autism Services then rang me asking for my eldests PPS Number and his date of birth.

I told M I hadn't received any letter about the HSE meeting and I've not been informed of the time of it either, she told me it's at 11am. It's bloody ridiculous I'm having to ask and just now being told the time of the meeting. She told me not to worry about it, I told her I'm not worried in the slightest, why would I be, I've done nothing wrong, I'm not a professional who's supposed to provide services and supports and help to a family, she said off course not and she didn't mean it to sound like that, she said she knows I'm a great mum and she wished I could get what I need for us all. I said only Nua Health Care would have worked and now it's too late because my eldest agreed to it back in April but he will not have it mentioned to him now.

My friend rang me and said she cannot make the meeting tomorrow and would only be there as support and she can do that by phone at any time. I told her I only just found out about the time of the meeting because M rang me. I told my friend I haven't got a clue as to who will be at this meeting and that Mary Talbot wants me to meet her for lunch tomorrow. My friend filled me in on who will be at this HSE meeting, she asked me to let her know how I get on when I have the time.

My eldest was chatting away to me about spending thousands of Euro on music and recording equipment he found on line that he can buy when we move to Dublin. My youngest rang me at 10pm. I got a lot more packing and cleaning and painting done. I will be leaving this place in a better state than when I moved into it.

14^th October

Got my file back from K the solicitor.

I rang Emlyn because I still have no official HSE letter about the meeting and I only know who's going to be there thanks to my friend letting me know. He said he'd look into why I didn't get a letter. He asked “how are you and what's the story with your youngest” then said “is it wise youngest is returning considering he's not apologised and simply treated being in London as a holiday, an enormous expensive to your pocket holiday” he then asked “have you spoken to Mary Talbot because serious developments have occurred” I said “I don't like the sound of that one bit and unless you enlightens me then I will not be seeing Mary Talbot or any other bugger” He said “you have nothing to worry about and it's all positive” I said “positive for who” he laughed and said “god your some woman”

I'm scared to death, what does “serious developments have occurred” mean, it does not sound frigging positive to me, it sounds very negative in fact. If they even try and take my son away with the men in white coats I will make sure I'm on every news channel in Ireland, they are not to be trusted at all. Why all the underhand way of dealing with things and the dramatic statements, I have enough drama in my damn life without them rocking the bloody boat and making my stress levels go higher than they need to be.

I spoke to my eldest tonight and asked him if he was offered Nua Health Care for definite would he take it, he said no, he only definitely wants to move to Dublin now but not to Nua Health Care. My nerves are in knots thinking about this lunch with Mary Talbot tomorrow.

I met Mary Talbot at 2pm, by all the fussing going on by other people around and towards her she must be high up the ladder in this place. To cut a long story short she's spoken to an Autism expert in the UK called Dr Amitta Shah who has 28 years experience and has worked for many years under Lorna Wing and she would like to meet me. Dr Shah has read my eldests file and believes he's so difficult because he also has Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I had told them all this but in different words, I said “I say black and my eldest says white” Mary said she's been trying to set this up since June. It's now October, we have been to hell and back so why on earth did she not tell me this sooner, to at least say she was trying, that would have eased my mind just a little. I have to meet Dr Shah in Donegal and Mary Talbot will take me there by car. No date for this yet but I'm happy an expert is getting involved but I'm also very scared for my eldest and what the end result will be. It must sound like I'm never bloody happy but I've heard so much bullshit to date.

15^th October HSE Meeting

I met R. C. outside the building she said “it's fantastic news about Dr Shah and I'd like to meet her when she does come over because Irish Autism Action have worked with her in the past” She said “the good news is that whatever Dr Shah recommends the HSE have to commit to and get it implemented”

Edited: Famous last words above. No one committed to it and no one implemented Dr Amitta Shah's extensive report and immediate recommendations.

All I could think of was my eldest, it was all fine and dandy having these professionals jumping up and down now but what about the actual outcome for my eldest, no one seems to have given him a second thought in any of this and what if he's totally resistant to anything now.

Into the meeting we went, a small room this time, Anne Kelly, Mary Talbot, Emlyn Hughes, social worker. M, from Autism Services. C, the college student. Some one called Y from Youth Services. The psychotic prescriber Psychiatrist. R. C. from IAA and me. A total waste of bloody time.

Anne Kelly, Head of Social Work went over the previous family support plan “to see where we are at with it” I grabbed R C's arm because I was about to explode, what bloody family support plan.

The Psychiatrist came out with nothing but lies, he told the smiling, nodding heads around us “I prescribed medication twice for eldest to facilitate mum because mum was concerned about eldests aggression but I only did so after I talked it thru with Consultant Don McDwyer”

I really lost my temper with him. I told him “no such conversation ever took place with me and I only went to see you at my eldests behest for his anxiety and severe insomnia and nothing else and you twice prescribed anti psychotics to an under 18 year old who is not psychotic but is Autistic and that was dangerous of you to do that and the third time I tried to get the CORRECT medication for my eldests anxiety and insomnia you told another professional it would not be ethical for you to prescribe anything to a child you hadn't seen so my son was just left and forgotten about once again and he's not had any help for his anxiety and severe insomnia”

M from Autism Services blushed bright red but I hadn't mentioned her by name at all, she then smiled at me.

The psychiatrist said “I'm not here to argue with you” I said “I'm not here to listen to fairy tales” He said “I have to be at another meeting” and he stood up and left the room.

Emlyn was next to fill in some time with a fabricated story, he told everyone “Anne and I had a conversation about her next of kin when her youngest left the country and Anne said she was extremely concerned as to her ex husband being next of kin” I interrupted him and said “what Emlyn just told you is pure fabrication because my youngest was still in Ireland when Emlyn spoke to me about my next of kin, the true story is, I was ill with my lungs but I couldn't allow myself to be admitted to hospital but one week later Emlyn rang me and asked me to provide him with three names and contact details in case it, god forbids, it ever happened again because the boys would have to be taken into emergency foster care or live with their father if I couldn't provide these contacts and I never once mentioned my husband who is not yet my ex husband because I'm not divorced yet, in any context re being my next of kin because my best friend C has been my next of kin since July 2006”

Why in God's name would I have a man down as next of kin who put us through hell on earth, who was no more a Dad then or now, who could not care less if any of us were alive or dead, there was as much chance of him being my next of kin as I had of being mute.

I really couldn't get over the lies they came out with, how the hell are they getting away with this. The audacity of them. The brass neck they all had to come out with such made up bullshit lies.

A lot of nervous coughing then went on in the room, they probably never had a mere mammy pull them up about anything before, well they took on the wrong person because I detest liars, liars are dangerous as far as I'm concerned because even when liars are confronted and proven to be a liar, the shit they come out with always leaves some kind of a stain behind re the person they lie about and no one, not one fucker on planet earth will ever get to lie to me or about me as long as I live and breathe.

Anne Kelly thanked C (the student I asked should not to be at this meeting) for his excellent work and input (knocking on my eldests bedroom door) and handed the file over to M of Autism Services who looked shocked at the prospect and I did not blame her at all, her hands are tied as tightly as mine are.

M from Autism Services came up to me after the meeting and said “you are a superstar putting them all in their place, more people should do it” She gave me a tight hug.

17^th October

I woke up to an email from the ex telling me how skint he was and he was having to live on 49c noodles and had packed in his job. There was no reply from him when I had to by family law inform him of his son's diagnosis yet here he was emailing me to tell me he's skint. I replied giving him both barrels, he forwarded our email argument to both my sons, the low life scum that he is.

I told the ex because I know him far too well because if he's packed in his job then I know for certain he has money to fall back on.

Edited : (I was proved right because the same week that man emailed me that he was skint and living on 49cent noodles he had in fact €75,000 in his bank account after selling his share of a London property to his brother.

18^th October

My youngest came back home today, he was refused entry at the airport because he was travelling with my passport that he was named on but had no photo ID of him on it, my poor son in law sorted it out and the airport rang me too. The taxi back for my youngest cost me €70. Once home my youngest said he missed me and loves me. Time will tell if this is true because I can take no more verbal insults and ganging up from him and his brother. I'm doing my best under very difficult and severe circumstances. They are both old enough and intelligent enough to realise this so I hope they start doing so.

20^th October

I collected two Valium from the doctor for my eldest to get to his appointment at the GP.

I received two summons in the post from the court. One was to “reduce maintenance” and the other was for “access to said infants” both my sons are over 6ft tall, and after all he did to them they want nothing to do with him and he's waited 3 years to ask for access. It was great to have a belly laugh reading that. I nearly wet my pants laughing.

For someone like him who's a very intelligent man but has no heart or soul which I can fully attest to having been with him for all those years, does he really expect to get away with reducing minimum maintenance having packed in his job, he would only do such a thing if he had something to fall back on, there is money and plenty of it, he just doesn't want me and kids to see any of it, As to access, I could not wait to get into court.

I rang Emlyn, the social worker and told him I've been summoned to court and would appreciate if he would do me a letter re our present family difficulties for court. He said “if we did that for everyone then we would never get any work done” I said “I know the phone number of a really good charm school that you should attend” And I didn't get any letter from him for me to take to the court.

23^rd October

I woke my eldest up for the doctors appointment and gave him one Valium, he said “I want them both at the same time” He was in great form when he was washed and dressed but he broke my heart when he said “promise me that it really is the doctor I'm going to see and you won't have the men in white coats waiting for me” I had to talk tough to him and told him “don't be a bloody idiot” or I would have started crying over what he just said. How can he not trust me, I'm not his dad. I told him “I will never allow that to happen and if it did happen it will be over my dead body” he laughed then so it meant he had relaxed a bit.

We went by taxi because it's over a mile walk and he was swaying all over the place with the two Valium he took. We were allowed to sit in the hallway because I didn't think my eldest would cope with the busy waiting room which was full of little kids.

Into the doctor we went, she asked him a lot of questions, I reminded her why he was there, to be seen in person for medication to help his anxiety and severe insomnia and not to prescribe any anti psychotics. My eldest then relaxed and started telling the doctor how he felt inside, He told her that he could not sleep at night no matter what he tried, that he has tinnitus, severe anxiety, that his thoughts could bring on a panic attack and he has to keep tapping out the same sequence with his fingers a million times a day and he couldn't stop doing it and if he got it wrong, he would have to start all over again. She mentioned anti depressants and asked my eldest if he would be willing to give them a try and said they would take a while to work, he said he would try anything.

The doctor then said she did not want to prescribe anything without speaking to the psychiatrist who'd been dealing with his medication. I went into a panic and asked her did she not realise what it took for my eldest to get here to see her, that this was serious because he never left the house and he had two Valium inside him just to get him out the front door of the house, which should show her just how desperate he was to get the correct medication to help him. I said the Psychiatrist has never seen my eldest, but she now has and my eldest was talking to her and telling her how he feels, he was telling her what he needs help for and why.

The doctor said she would need to get the full history from the Psychiatrist. I said I'm his mother and only I can give you the full history and the psych place had the history wrong anyway and the Psychiatrist who prescribed him anti psychotics only ever got to read the file and had never clapped eyes on my son and I've already on prior visits given her our full history when I first joined this practice. I said my child is here in front of you now so for gods sake please help him, she told my eldest that a good start would be anti depressants and explained to him the ins and outs of them, she told him they could take up to 6 weeks to work but she could not prescribe them yet, she said it could take about two weeks for her to get thru to the Psychiatrist and receive the whole history.

I left in fear, tears and disgust, I knew what was coming from my eldest but I was not prepared for it. I never am.

My eldest told me before we left the house that he wanted to go into the town and put money on his 3V card but he was in a very sullen mood after seeing the GP and wanted us to go straight home. I rang a taxi to come and get us and as we waited for it, he let rip at me in public, we were standing at the entrance of the Health Centre and people were walking in and out constantly. We were also right next to the car park so I felt trapped. He started with “you are a useless cunt, you always take their side, I'll never see another doctor or professional as long as I live, as for you, you can go and fuck yourself, do you know you are a fucking failure, do you know that even your own children hate the fucking sight of you, do you know why we all fucking hate you, do you know why you are despised and hated so much, I fucking hate you, you are a failure, you do nothing right”

He didn't stop, it all came out of his mouth like a machine gun rattle while I stood trying to shrink and not be seen at the entrance of the Health Centre with people staring at us as they walked in and walked out again hearing every disgusting word he said very loudly to me. I knew if I even opened my mouth to tell him off or defend myself that it would give him carte blanche to explode. He carried on, “Nothing to fucking say have you, only because you know I'm right, you're a useless cunt, I hate and I despise you, don't even try to speak to me”

I wanted to scream at him and run away and leave him to it. The taxi came after we waited 20 minutes for it and I tried to act normal, the friendly driver wanted to chat, I did talk back to him, I tried to talk to my eldest too but he completely ignored me, he totally humiliated me in public and was now doing it again in the back of a taxi. I was dreading going back to that house with him. He went straight to his bedroom, slapping the walls as he went. I sat and cried. I couldn't believe any doctor would not use their own professional judgement and help him. I have to live with this son of mine without any support from any fucker at all. How fucking dare they, how fucking dare they all do nothing.

My friend T who I call my adopted daughter rang me and when she heard the state of me sobbing down the phone she came running to my rescue. She took me to Dunnes Café in town and said “you cannot live like this any more mam, you've done enough, he's not even nice to you, you don't get any medal at the end of this so why do you not just leave” I asked her “would you leave your child” she said “fair enough” but then said “I probably would if she turns out like your eldest” she said “he was not like this when he was younger and I don't care what he's been diagnosed with, he knows right from wrong” I know all she was saying was correct but what the hell could I do.

My phone rang when I was sitting in Dunnes cafe with T. It was a man called P. L, he told me “I'm coming out to the house to interview your eldest for the FAS Distance Learning course” I told him “I'm delighted about that but I can't talk right now because I'm in a busy cafe and surrounded by people and would like to talk about this when I'm in a more private setting” He completely ignored what I said to him, he said “all this is highly unusual letting someone take a course when they do not leave the house and it means I have to come out to you, but I will allow it” BIG MISTAKE. That got my dander up, the condescending swine, who the fuck did he think he was, the fucking pope or the president. He went on to ask me “if you're in a cafe now, who's with your eldest” I said (because I no longer gave a crap where I was or who heard me because he really got on my nerves big time) “do you know anything at all about Aspergers because if you did then you would know that my son is not handicapped in any way, shape or form and nor is he feeble minded” he replied “I do know about Aspergers” then asked “what kind of mood is he in now” I said “he's not a very good mood, in fact he's in a very bad mood so I will be glad to let you know when my son is in a better mood and when it will be a good time for you to come to the house” he said “I'm coming today” I said “no you're not, my son is in a very bad mood which I've just told you, he will not talk to me today so he sure as hell will not speak to you or anybody else” He told me (he bloody told me) “get home to him and tell him the interview is today and call me straight back when you have let him know” I said “who the hell do you think you are, ordering me to do anything, I will let you know when it's convenient and not the other way round” and the man sputtered something and cut me off. The fucking cheek of him, a complete stranger trying to order me about. T laughed her head off, she said “mam if I could hear that man because he was so loud on your phone then so can all sitting around us” I said I didn't care. She said “I wish I could be more like you and tell it straight the way you do. I said “you don't babe, just be happy you have a normal life, amongst normal people because the life I have to live and deal with plus have these twats on top would turn a saint into a bloody sinner” She drove me home, she kept squeezing my leg then my arm and kept telling me “you're the best in the world”

I told my eldest when I got back that the FAS bloke rang me, his reply was “get the fuck out of my room now or else and leave me alone, how many times do I have to tell you that I fucking hate and despise you and I'm not interested in doing any fucking course now”

And I had to to ring that horrible man P. L. and tell him.

Mary Talbot rang me “Isn't it great we have a date for Dr Shah coming over especially to see you at great expense to the HSE on November 3^rd in Donegal, not to panic tho” she said. I asked her “why would I be panicking about meeting an expert because it's a bloody long time in the making for my son” She ignored that and told me “meet me at 12 noon and I will drive you there for the meeting at 2pm and we can have some lunch and it will be all nice and relaxed” I asked her if I could bring R. C. the advocate along too. Mary told me “no, not a good idea because Dr Shah only wants to meet you alone initially to complete an assessment” My son already had an assessment done for two day's in the psych place.

2nd November

My eldest is not coming out of his sulking at all for the past few weeks. I had to bite the bullet and made an appointment with the psych at 10am, I was dreading seeing him after my argument with him at the HSE meeting. I then got a phone call, the appointment has been cancelled due to the psych having a family emergency, he had to go to Cork, his daughter was ill. I said “I'm sorry to hear that but who will be standing in for him” I got told “no one and the other Psychiatrist we have is on maternity leave” God help this County and all who need their help.

3^rd November

I sent Dr Shah an email - “Dear Dr Shah, I hope that it's okay for me to send you this email as I am looking forward to meeting with you this Wednesday regarding my son. I wanted you to see these attachments in the hope that it will save you time when you meet with me. The first attachment is the letter I wrote to almost everyone in an attempt to get my son help. The second attachment is from my baby diaries. I appreciate your agreeing to come to Ireland to see me. Yours sincerely”

5^th November

I met Dr Amitta Shah. She is a lovely, slender lady with a very gentle aura. Mary Talbot brought us in tea on a tray. M from Autism Service walked in and was told the meeting was for Mrs X only and no one else was to be there. Dr Shah said “thank you for the email and attachments as it saves time” she said “there is no need for the questions and answer format I normally used as you have provided all information” and she also had “all reports from all professionals to date who seen your son in person” (not many had as he'd hardly seen anyone in person) she asked me to chat freely and got out her pen and paper and was writing as I spoke, she periodically asked me specific questions about my eldest as a child.

Three hours later we were finished, Dr Shah gave me a hug and said “you are a terrific mum and should be proud of yourself for all you've done to date, you're a very strong lady, you have an amazing aura of spirit, energy, fire and goodness, I actually suspected that you would be on your knees by now with coping alone with your son because I know how incredibly difficult these children can be”

I thought how strange the way others perceive you because all I thought of myself nowadays is that I'm tired, sad, angry and drained beyond belief and when I think I cannot go on any more something gives me an extra boost and I'm back on a hamster wheel again, going like the clappers and getting nowhere,

I was also taken aback at someone understanding the stress my eldest causes me. She said “he needs to be left well alone and put on the correct medication for his anxiety levels because these can get to dangerous levels and you need support, in fact you need all the support you can get to help you deal with him as these children are almost impossible to live with”

She told me that my son was “classic Aspergers Syndrome” and “the severity of his withdrawal from an outside life is due to the anguish he went through at a very vulnerable age” she also diagnosed Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and mild Tourettes.

She went off with Mary Talbot for lunch telling me “you will get my report as soon as possible” she said “I will get to work on it straight away” Mary Talbot walked me to the main door and told me “you're a very lucky woman getting to meet this expert” I almost flipped her the finger. Lucky am I? that I'm always at the end of a barrage of abuse and told how much I am hated and this has taken 2 years and 7 months.

20^th November

M from Autism Services rang me. She said “I'm waiting for Dr Shah to fax thru her report and this will mean you can take it to the doctor and whatever Dr Shah has recommended, all will have to abide with it”

21^st November

I had to walk to Autism Services and collect Dr Shah's report myself, it was very hard to read, very feint. I rang the doctor because one immediate recommendation was medication to help my eldests anxiety.

"Children like eldest tend to show their worst behaviour, obsessions and rages at home. Due to their general anxiety and difficulty in peer interaction and social situations, they tend to become controlling at home particularly towards the mother. Their hatred, aggression and verbal abuse is often directed towards their mother and can be extreme in some cases. They can be polite and well behaved outside the home and with strangers and it is difficult for others to appreciate the extreme difficulty faced by the mother of such a child. These children blame their own difficulties in social situations and anxiety on their mothers and seem to take out their frustration and anger on their mother"

The recommendations are:

Currently eldest does not accept his diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome; he is not willing to accept any direct intervention or treatment. He does not leave the house on his own and refuses to see anyone at home. There is no tried and tested treatment / intervention measure which would help him in this situation. A very individual, unconventional and tailor made approach will need to be tried.

The HSE have tried to introduce a support worker who could befriend him and gradually develop a relationship with him and build up his trust and confidence. Unfortunately he refused to meet with the support worker. This was a very good plan and should be revisited at a later stage if he is more receptive to direct intervention and support.

Currently he needs to be helped indirectly. He is asking for particular medication to help his anxiety. I understand that there is a consultation booked with a psychiatrist. If he does not attend, I would recommend that if possible he is prescribed appropriate anti-anxiety medication on the basis of his diagnosis and clinical information from his mother. This may take the edge off his anxiety, anger and rigidity and make him more open and responsive to other direct intervention.

He will benefit from being able to pursue a distance learning course. This will provide education, occupation and stimulation. This will also boost his confidence and decrease his overall anxiety and frustration.

He will also benefit from indirect support from the dietician and occupational therapists who can work with and advice Mrs X and provide exercise equipment at home for him if appropriate.

It is important to proceed gently, indirectly and cautiously with my him. He is likely to respond badly to confrontation or any forceful treatment. He has attempted suicide previously. If he becomes fearful or angry he could take it out on himself or his mother or brother.

It is extremely difficult for Mrs X to share a living space with him and suffer constant verbal abuse, demands and difficult behaviours. It would help him and the family situation enormously if they were rehoused in two adjacent units. He may relax a lot more in his own space whilst still having his mother and brother next door. The practicalities of this arrangement will have to be discussed with Mrs X

I would recommend that Mrs X deals with her eldest in a matter of fact way without reacting or showing emotion. If possible Mrs X should try and establish a daily routine so meals are at particular times. She should also leave the house during the day daily and direct her energy / emotion on something totally unrelated to him or autism. I would highly recommend yoga / meditation or any other mind / body relaxation techniques to Mrs X. She needs to develop resilience and coping strategies to deal with the extreme stress which he is likely to subject her to.

The above are immediate recommendations. If he responds, the plan of the support worker can be introduced gradually. If he does not respond and becomes more rigid and more controlling, different strategies will have to be tried.

It is important not to underestimate his potential for carrying out threats / behaviours to extremes.

22^nd November

I was seen by the doctor at 11am, she took the report from me and told me “I've no time to read it now” I said “that's my only copy and I've not read it in full myself yet, I just want you to read the recommendation's, it clearly states that my eldest is prescribed appropriate anti-anxiety medication on the basis of his diagnosis as it may take the edge off his anxiety, anger and rigidity and make him more open and responsive to other direct interventions”

The doctor told me “I'm not prescribing anything for him” She then told me “you expect medication to be a miracle cure for your son” I asked her “how would you know such a thing because you would not prescribe anything appropriate to help him and you do not live with him, I do and if the 2 Valium you did give him managed to get him out the house and in to see you then yes I do believe a miracle would happen and the only miracle I'm expecting is that he's calm and not bloody abusing me and this is the UK Autism experts recommendations not mine”

She said “it has to be the psychiatrist who prescribes what he needs” I told her “the Psychiatrist is in Cork and the only other one in this county is off on maternity leave” I asked her “can a hospital duty Psychiatrist prescribe anything for him” she told me “no, only child and mental health psychiatrists can” I did not understand this at all. My son has Aspergers which is Autism and Autism is NOT Mental Health.

She said “I am more concerned about you and the stress you're under” I was flummoxed at this. I have been asking, begging, pleading and crying for help for my son now for well over 2 years and she's worried about me but will do nothing to help my boy. I would not be under such stress if my eldest was helped and if he was calm then I wouldn't be getting verbally ripped apart by him constantly. Off course I'm under stress big time, this is not a normal way of life, having no outside of life, not for me and not for my kids. I knew when I left the GP's office I was going back into a bubble of no hope with a very depressed boy who believed his mum was doing nothing to help him and he would tell me so in very extreme language.

I left that doctors crying my eyes out. I no longer gave a crap who seen me like that. They are all thick, not one of them has an ounce of common sense, they do not care at all. I'm never going to get him any help never mind decent help. What's the point of this report when the very day I fucking get a copy of it, nothing gets done about it. I was about to give up. I was told whatever this expert said they all had to “abide by it” “get it implemented” and I cannot even get over the first hurdle with the family doctor. I fucking give up.

I rang K.W at Irish Autism Action and told him I have Dr Shah's report and recommendations and I'm mad as hell because the family doctor will not meet my eldests needs, he told me to email it to him and he would take a look.

R.C. from Irish Autism Action sent me Dr Shah's Thesis which explained more about what my eldest has and she thought I should read it and give a copy to the GP too.

N rang me from the only agency I trust, told me we're moving to Dublin on the 14^th of January.

My youngest went on his school trip, he told me “you need to give me €100 so I can buy Xmas presents” I was stressed out of my head with money worries but had to give it to him so he didn't feel different from any of the other school pupils on the trip.

My eldest is not eating again, he's only having crisps and told me he's not hungry, there was no chat out of him at all. I actually no longer blame him, it seems like he's doing time for a crime he did not commit, come to think about it, so the fuck am I.

28^th November

N from the only agency I trust rang me, they are holding an information evening and Memorial Service and asked me if I would like to go because a buffet and music will be being provided. I wish I could go, it would be lovely to see all the girls from that agency that has helped me so much but I have no transport and I can't afford the train fare there and back after giving my youngest €100.

1^st December

N rang me from the only agency and said “I have something to tell you, do you want to know now or do you want to come down to the office” I said “now please” because I knew it must be serious. She said “I'm pleased you couldn't come to the information evening and memorial service because your ex turned up with a few women, they were all very odd looking, and one woman was aggressively in L's face asking her why all they did was help women and not men and how many women get away with Domestic Abuse” N said “it's obvious the ex knows who escorted you to court and given all the lies he has since told about you, this woman, whoever she was, was clearly insinuating this about you but L was more than able to handle herself and did so but I wanted to warn you in case he turns up at any other talks we have” She said “Anne Kelly (head of Social Work) was also there” I was shaking when I got off the phone.

3^rd December

Another meeting with Anne Kelly, Head of Social Work.

M from Autism Services and someone else I didn't know at all was there. I informed them all that we were moving to Dublin. I could have sworn I heard audible sighs of relief out of them. Anne Kelly said “I'm pleased for you because your ex knows where you are” I almost fainted. I asked her “how do you know this and how the hell do you know him” She said “I've crossed paths with him and I believe every word you said about him because he's not a very nice man at all” I asked her “Are you joking, what wasn't to be believed, who the hell could make all he did to us up because I would be earning good fucking money as a novelist if I had such an imagination”

I couldn't push her on when and where she crossed paths with him because she said “I cannot say any more on the subject”

But if I find out they went behind my back and contacted him after I categorically said they could not and N from the Domestic Abuse Agency I trust also sent them a letter as to why he was not to be contacted then I will personally lambaste them to their faces.

It can only be thru them that he now knows where we live for fuck sake and for them to be only informing me now, the useless fucking bastards, he could have been watching me and my sons all this time and we would not have known a thing about it.

How dare they go over my head regards my children in this way, they are only in my life because Pat fucking Dolan cocked it up from my first contact with him simply to save the HSE money because my eldest was far too much of an expense to them so I was put under a fucking microscope as if I'd done something wrong, no wonder this country is as fucked up as it is, no wonder the suicide rates in this country are as high as they are because those holding the power DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE.

I was still shaking and frigging raging, I wanted and needed to know how Anne Kelly, head of 3 County's Social Work had crossed paths with my ex so I rang her.

I asked her “are me and my boys in any danger because the ex turned up at an Information talk and memorial service that I was personally invited to but I couldn't go because I had my boys to take care of because no one will give me a break and I had no money to get there by train and back so for you to know what and how the ex is as a person, as a man, as a dead beat father and a domestic abuser of his wife and own children and not let me know anything till now of your involvement with him means he knows where we live which is a disgrace and I only know about him attending that memorial service because N (from the only agency I trust) rang me and told me” Anne Kelly said “I was also there but I did not see him” She then said “sorry if my words got you worried” she again said “all I can tell you is our paths crossed and that told me that everything you said about him was true but I can't go into the ins and outs of it” She then wished us luck for our move. I was none the bloody wiser about her crossing paths with that scumbag.

Is it not OUR RIGHT to know what she knows? Are we in danger? ? What the fuck is going on

21^st December

Out of the blue I got an email from the ex asking me what I'm getting my sons for Xmas, he asked what could he get for them.

Then he sent me a text that he "had Xmas presents for them" I thought that'll be a first then. He wanted to know if he could drop them off to us. Not a chance, he will never know our exact address from me. I told him I would get the train to a town and meet him there. (white lie protecting where we live) I asked my youngest if he wanted to come with me, the air turned blue with his swearing. I went alone, there was nothing to me the ex could do in a public place and he would never get his own hands dirty anyway and by now I would KILL him if he even looked at me the wrong way.

It was 3 years since I had a proper meet or conversation with that man and god I had plenty to say to him but this wasn't the time to do so.

He changed the meeting place at the last minute so I had to go try and find him. That was his normal, routine and shenanigans and it didn't bother me in the least.

He was supposed to meet me at the train station but then texted me to meet him down a side street, I had got chatting to a lovely lad at the train station and told him I didn't know the area and the street I was going to, which was the truth, so this lovely, kind lad, walked me to where the ex had told me to meet him and he stopped with me when the ex shouted out of his car window at me and I thanked the lad for helping me.

I got into the ex's car and he looked awful and bloated and had blood shot eyes and dreadful skin and very grey hair and he's not even 42 years old yet. That old saying, we all get the face we deserve, sprung to my mind. I told him he didn't look very well, he said he'd been up all night working on someone's PC, he was shaking like a leaf, I was very calm.

My dog Bonnie was in the car, I made a great fuss of her but she didn't even know me now.

We went into a dingy pub opposite from where he had parked. I ordered a cup of tea, he had a coffee.

He asked me about my sons. I showed him a copy of the diagnostic report re my eldest, he asked me if I had I got second opinion, I took the head of him verbally, he said, I'm only asking. Christ almighty this is his flesh and blood he was talking about, not a stranger, he saw his first child born.

I bit my tongue so hard it blistered. I wanted to knock seven shades of shit out of him. My child is only this withdrawn way due to him and all he did to him, people with Aspergers Syndrome can live normal lives, could he not see what he'd done. Apparently not. I asked him why the sudden interest in my sons now. No reply from him. I showed him the receipts of what I'd bought my sons for Xmas, he handed me a white envelope. I froze for one second because the envelope he gave me had a postmark on it of the town we live in. There was €370 cash inside the envelope as a contribution towards the Apple I pod touch I had got for both my sons and the Samsung Tocca phones I'd also bought them. It dawned on me he chose that envelope for a reason, he must have had a letter from the HSE despite my refusal for the HSE to ever contact him and he wanted me to see the postmark because he knew I never miss a trick. The awful man that he is.

My youngest then rang me to make sure I was okay, I said yes and told him that I wouldn't be long.

I asked the ex where his wedding ring was, he looked confused. I said “did you not get married again and you're not even divorced yet” he said “it wasn't a real wedding, it was only a Pagan Hand fasting and it didn't last that long anyway, it ended when Amy went to college in the UK” there was a long pause from him, then he said “when Amy went as a mature student” this man is a first class twat, sitting there telling me all this. I told him “I didn't think for a minute she was a school leaver because your no Brad Pitt” He said “it was beautiful whilst it lasted” What an evil, selfish twat of a man, I wanted to kick him straight in the nuts. I should have done. Instead, I said “I feel sorry for that woman because you must have loved her so much that you denied it ever even happened when I found out” he asked me “why are you stalking me” I said “me sitting at home keeping tabs on you online on public sites is hardly stalking you but I will carry on to protect my and my sons legal interests” He shook his head.

He said “it must be hard for you coping with eldest” (he really must be mental) I told him “I love my sons unlike you and most fathers do not run away and abandon their kids, they do not abuse their kids, they do not hate their kids” there was no reply from him. He gave me a large parcel and tried to hug me, I pulled away and walked home. He shouted after me but I just ignored him.

He later sent me a text saying “I hope the boys like their presents” and ended the text with, “may blessings abound on you and yours” This is his own kids, his only flesh and blood the useless bollix.

I went home and told my youngest “fill your boots son and open what you like but you can't tell your brother anything about this or he'll refuse anything then berated me non stop with abuse about it”

The ex had got my eldest a fleece and band t shirts and dog tags, He got my youngest a camping stove, army boots, socks and a string hammock, my poor youngest said “there might be a note or a letter in the parcel” but there wasn't.

I sent the ex a text telling him what youngest had said, hoping he might write something to youngest because clearly that was what youngest must have wanted but no reply came, the utter scum, cunt of a man.

The ex and I are now two strangers with children only in common, you would never know we were once a couple for all those years. I felt nothing for him at all.

When I went to bed I wrote down my thoughts:

One day that man will stop filling his life with new friends, new campaigns and he will have to face all he is, alone, and all he did and said and continues to say to strangers who know neither me or my kids, this will all re visit him and he will have to live with it.

23^rd December

I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was a million miles away. I wish I wasn't a mug. I wish I wasn't disrespected. I wish I wasn't homeless. I wish I wasn't poor. I wish I wasn't alone and lonely. I wish again I wasn't me.

Xmas

I got my eldest up first because he's always so moody and casts his doom and gloom cloak around us and everything. I took no chances for my youngest to be around for too long in case the very sight of his younger brother started him of. My eldest was delighted with his presents, an electric guitar, an I pod touch, a new mobile phone and clothes. I then woke my youngest up, he refused to get up at first, I told him I wanted no crap out of him today of all days, he said he loved his presents, an I pod touch, a new mobile phone and myvu specs that you can watch things on. It was a quiet but peaceful day.

We are moving to Dublin on the 14^th January so thank god I'm busy with sorting out this house with painting, cleaning and packing what I can.

HSE Special Needs, Mary Talbot said to send the removal van invoice to her and they will pay for it, I think they will be very pleased to see the back of me.

I feel scared and excited at the same time. It's not fair yet another move for my sons but what can I do.

After my hospital scare with my lungs and all the bullying of my youngest that means he now won't even go to the shops or to town on his own in case that pack of feral rats see him and taunt him or worse, plus the useless HSE and Social Work appear to have let the dead beat father know where we are, we had no choice but to move and I will not be sad to see the back of this place.

I need people around me and the on-site staff support for us all.

I hope it changes our lives and the expertise I'm told is in Dublin will help change my eldests life and so my youngest and mine for the better.

28^th December

I had two missed calls on my phone from the ex. I had no credit so I rang him from my land line, he answered then pretended he couldn't hear me but the line was left open, there seemed to be a party going on and I could hear a very drunk woman talking about me and the ex was telling her all I had apparently done to him, which was the opposite of what really happened, he was actually describing all that he'd done to me but he was claiming it was I who had done it all.

I was fuming and my heart was pounding, this woman was saying about me “she's a cunt” and was telling him what she would do and say to me if she had the opportunity to do so, the ex sounded drunk too.

I heard him agree with the woman and laugh saying “she's a violent alcoholic with a big fucking mouth” the big mouth bit, is indeed true but I'm not and have not and never will be an alcoholic or violent and all I could think was, if any of them had an ounce of sense in them, why would their first thoughts and words not be to him: why would you leave your kids with such a person then? why would you not be knocking down every court house or solicitors office and scream about your worry for your sons lives if they're living with an violent alcoholic? No one gets to lie their arse of about me. Some life he's living, partying and all he can talk about is me. I was fuming.

My youngest came down the stairs and I told him who was on the end of the phone and what was being said and he told my eldest. My eldest put his boots on demanding that we went over to the cottage now and deal with them ourselves which shocked me but I said no chance, it would have cost a fortune for a taxi there and back and we can't afford it and I'd no doubts at all that the ex knew exactly what he was doing not ending the call and leaving the line open so I could hear it all. He would expect me to react and get myself over there and I was not falling for it.

Instead my youngest gave me his phone so I began texting the ex's other mobile stating “I'm still on the phone and can hear everything and I'll be at the family home in the morning so tell your drunk friend she can tell me to my face as per her request exactly what she wants to say and do to me directly and the Mancunian there with the big mouth shouting the odds about him hiding from the law in the family home better be gone by the time I get there because the Garda will be with me” The ex stupidly started reading my text out loud and the Mancunian was going mental, “how the fuck does she know I'm here, who the fuck told her” then a lot of mumbling went on. The drunk woman was inaudible. The ex kept saying “shit, shit, shit, she's still on the phone” The line went dead. I then got a text from him saying “You are a cunt, fuck off and get a life”

This is my life.

29^th December

I went to the cottage with my youngest but I rang the Garda first and G.K who knows me, put us into his own car to drive us to the cottage, he is such a kind and decent and lovely man.

The cottage was full of tramps, they'd all just woken up by looks of them, the ex tried to refuse me entry to my house by keeping his foot against the door but I barged in pushing him out of my way.

My youngest went up into the loft to see if he could find any of our belongings.

I searched the house, a woman was lying in the bed, she looked awful, she must have had a really bad hangover, she kept shouting out for someone called Tony. I said to her “are you comfortable in the bed I chose and bought” she said “not really” so I told my youngest “find me a screw driver because I'm going to dismantle the bed” and I would have done it with her still in it.

The past 2 plus years made me not give a crap about anything, any longer.

The ex came running into the bedroom asking me “what are you doing” I said “I'm taking my bed”

I asked the woman in the bed “are you renting my house” she said “I have my own place in Tarmonbarry” She then got up and dressed and said “pleased to meet you” I said “the feeling's not mutual and would you like to repeat what you said you would do and say to me because you were very vocal about it last night and I heard every word, thanks to him” and I pointed at my ex. She said “sorry I was very drunk and don't know what I said” I told her “I'm no cunt” she said “sorry” and roared at Tony who must have been her boyfriend to “get us the hell out of here” and they exited the back door, she could hardly walk at all, she was stumbling all over the place.

The house was a disgrace, it stank of booze and sweat, bottles and cans were everywhere and some strange looking disturbed man stood up when he saw G the Garda and went into what was my sons bedroom. I asked him where he was going, he flinched and put something under my sons bunk bed mattress, he said “I'm only here for the holidays” G the Garda said “he's hiding something”

We were there for 45 mins with my youngest searching in the loft and he found nothing belonging to us.

I got to make a fuss of my dog and there was a large Labrador in the house too.

The ex tried to grab the ladders from me as I was holding them for my youngest to get down from the loft, he said something stupid “you're going to break them” I told him to get away from me because my fingers were now trapped in the ladders, he slunk away,

I shouted at him asking “have you nothing to say in front of all your scum friends now” he said not one word.

His phone rang, he was agitated, he kept putting the back of his hand up to his forehead, he was giving someone directions to the house.

A bloke said hi from the kitchen, it was his only UK friend, I ignored him. I looked at them all sitting quiet and trying to look busy and told them all “this is my house and you had all better not be ensconced here because it's illegal and that Garda standing there is my witness that I've now informed you I do not want you in this house” then I told my youngest I was ready to leave but I introduced my youngest to the scum in the cottage before we left. I said “this is that man's son and he's not even looked at him or said hello to his own child so that's the type of people you all are, scum” and I left slamming the door behind me and shouted “see you in court and pay your bloody maintenance because if you can afford to party and booze and house scum of the earth then you can afford to help pay for food for your kids”

G the Garda drove us back to the train station, he said “sorry you had a wasted journey Anne, it's obvious yer man is not in his right mind by the state of the people, the scum he's mixing with and with the house like that the place will never sell and when he one day comes to his senses he will realise what he's done and what he's become”

My youngest asked me “did you notice the pink slippers at the front door” I said no, he said “they were yours”

One thing I did notice is that there was not one PC in that house, not one, very strange for a computer engineer, the house was always full to brimming with old bits of PC's, that tells me he does not live there himself at all but I will find out what's going on.

We had 50 minutes to wait for the train back. I was so proud of myself, I stayed calm, I was very assertive and I stood up for myself and now they all know who the woman is that is always getting slagged off by him. I bet he did not recognise this woman who now has balls, the way I used to be when I wasn't with him all those years ago. I'm glad to be back.

My youngest said “I'm so proud of you but I thought you were going to attack one of them” I said “I've no need to attack anyone at all, violence never gets anyone anywhere and you should know that by now, my mouth and the words that come out of it and the way I say things are the only weapon I have ever had and will ever need” He said “those people stink and look weird” I said “thank god you and my eldest are the ages you are because if that man had got access to you or eldest if you were little kids then I would be in jail for contempt because I would never have allowed scum like that anywhere near you both” my youngest said “I would have refused to go anyway because I hate him and some things never change but dad did say after about 30 minutes of us being in the house, hi how are you, but only because his UK friend was there but his UK friend was not at the front door when dad had his foot behind the door trying to stop us from going into the house till you barged in” I told my youngest “you are very astute”

On the journey back my youngest kept asking me if I was okay. I said “I am more than okay”

I was proud of myself but I did now feel drained but I was glad to have got there and confronted him. I know one day all his chickens will come home to roost.

When we got home my eldest wanted to know all that had happened from the beginning, he said he was glad he didn't go because he feels ill today.

I hope he will be better for when we move or maybe it's because we are moving that's making him feel ill.

I'm looking forward to moving now, I hope it's all we need, want and deserve which is simply a good life, a peaceful life, a happy life and legal justice from that scum bag to allow us to live as we should be living and not how he wants us to live, in dire poverty and homeless.

Diary of a Fractured Woman

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Rattling Cages 2008

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