How to fracture a mother 2010

1^st January

I was awake until 5am, just lying in bed unable to sleep at all, I had to tell my youngest at 4am to switch everything off and get some sleep. I'm worried sick about him. There was no sight nor sound from either youngest or eldest until 6pm.

My youngest asked me if his belt had arrived in the post, I told him to check today's date because everything is shut down until the 4^th so there will be no post delivered at all till then. My youngest told me at 6.30pm “ I'm going out and will be back when I'm back”

My eldest came down and asked me where his brother has gone. I told him I'd no idea and I'm not really bothered because of his viscous mouth and I'm not prepared to be on the receiving end of it any more. My eldest said “it's your own fault, I said “off course it is” my eldest said “ you have pussyfied him all his life and he needs to get his head out of all that Pokemon shit and grow a pair and stop depending on his mum” that had me laugh out loud. I thought to myself, pot, kettle, black. He then told me “quit worrying about him and go and get yourself a hobby” he said “I would defend him if anyone tries to hurt him but I will hurt him if any more crap comes out of his mouth towards you” I told eldest “listening to you talk sense and nonsense at the same time is hurting my head” He said “you need a break so why don't you go to bed for a couple of days and rest” I gave up even talking to him, I would need to be invalided to take to my bed at all but he sat with me on the couch till youngest got back.

I need to get to the bottom of what it is about me that allows what others say to me hurt me so much. Why has my youngests words affected me so much, I'm still so hurt with his words that I could wring his frigging neck.

My youngest came downstairs at 10pm and handed me his 3V voucher, he told me “there's still €11 on it if you want to buy relaxation music on I tunes” That's his way of apologising I suppose. It's not good enough for me tho after him telling me to act like a mum. I just told him “no thanks” I'm hurting both inside and out.

2^nd January

Another night of no sleep. At 9am I went into my youngests bedroom. I will be damned if I let what he said to me fester inside me any longer so I intended to have it out with him once and for all. He was awake but refused to turn around and face me, he just asked “what do you want” no way was I going to talk to the back of his head so I said “nothing and I won't say anything till you're grown up enough to face me” I left his room and walked or rather skated to the local shop because the ice is lying everywhere on the ground. When I got back I googled my youngests name and he's on so many websites it's no wonder he's awake all night and getting no sleep at all.

He posted online how much he hates me and other crap, “I fucking hate her and I hope she dies” he sounds like a child posting all that crap online. I wanted to scream in his face, why do you hate me, do I neglect you, do I abuse you, hurt you, hit you, scream at you, go to pubs, drink, take drugs, bring men home. I do none of it, maybe I should do and shock the bleeding life out of him and my eldest. But as usual I said nothing, there was no point really, it would only be heard as I said it and then forgotten about seconds later.

I did my usual mammy duties and stayed away from them both. I did a lot of reading after I got the shopping, I did the cleaning and made their meals. I cannot be around either of them because I now feel like I'm going to erupt. I never could keep my big mouth shut.

I was asked thru out the day by them both “what's wrong” I just replied “nothing is wrong” I wanted to make sure when I did erupt that I got everything out and said it in a careful manner because if I lose it as I think I might be about to, then I knew all that will come tumbling out of me verbally will be non stop cursing and venting so I kept saying “nothing” when they asked me again “what's wrong” They were whispering a lot, I'm not even bothered if they decide to get together and start their double act, in fact I'm waiting for it to happen and I do not actually give a shit.

3^rd January

I woke up at 4am. I need to sort out this out because I'm not getting enough sleep. My youngest was still awake, I told him to get into bed because a lack of sleep affects the mental health. I should know because I think I'm going off my head myself now. He had the brass neck to come down to me at 7am to tell me “I cannot not sleep because brother is on his exercise bike” He hung around me, asking me what I wanted to talk to him about in his bedroom the other morning. I took a deep breath and asked him “why do you hate me so much” he said “I don't hate you, I hate being ignored” I told him “you're anything but ignored by me and if I tell you to get away from me and I cannot speak to you it's because you have upset me so much that I'm incapable of speech because I know I could hurt you badly with all I want to say to you and I would not do that to you” He walked away from me before I was even finished talking to him. The ignoramus pig.

The streets are like ice rinks. I slipped twice landing flat on my back looking up at the sky. I just laughed as did those who saw me fall, no doubt feeling grateful it wasn't them flat on their backs. A man came to help me up and he ended up on his knees so I had to grab him, the poor man, I made him laugh and told him I was used to men falling at my feet or in this case my prone body, he said he wished he'd thought of that first. I told him I'm related to a comedian so he'd no chance of beating me to any punch line. It was the strangest encounter I ever had, I was still lying on the pavement flat on my back, we both ended up roaring with laughter. I have no idea who he was but I had a good laugh with him all the same.

I went up to meet my friend K and we went to get her shopping, I told her about my encounter with the man, she said she wished she was there and had a camera. We tip toed up to Tesco, the state of us trying to walk on icy paths, Bambi eat your heart out. The streets are so treacherous. We went to the cafe for tea and a chat. Life is so much better when you have a friend to talk to and someone you can laugh with.

I got home and my youngest asked me for his 3V card back that he'd given me earlier, he said “does it still have money on it because I need it” Just as well I did not spend a cent of the €11 on it.

4^th January

I was hoping everything would be back to normal but they're not. E from the refuge isn't back till next week and the ice and snow is making walking and driving just dangerous so there's not many vehicles about and buses are few and far between.

I rang the Legal Aid head office about still not having any solicitor and I have court to go to this month. I was told to put it all in writing to them and send it to their head office in Kerry. I said I had no time to wait for any post to get to them and asked for an e mail address but when I sent the email it kept bouncing back saying “contains a profanity” I have never in all my years of using the internet ever had a message like that. I rang them up again and spoke to a woman, she said that sometimes happens and to keep trying.

K sent me a text asking if I would like to go to a Charity Quiz with her so I went out and had a ball at the pub quiz night with K. I got my youngest to come round and meet me and he stayed and had a diet coke. He decided to take a plastic black bag out once we got home and used it to slide up and down the cul de sac. I stood at the front door watching him just be himself again.

5^th January

I got Child Benefit and my youngest asked me if he could have money for a game he had to have, I told him he had to work for it so he did the dishes for me and I gave him the money he wanted. I told him he had to do the dinner dishes from now on every night, he said okay.

C rang me, she said she's flying with her degree course, she's going to Russia for her placement in June. I'm so please for her and wish I too could be getting on with what I want to do. I could have been in my second year at college by now. It feels like such a waste having a brain that yells feed me but I cannot do so.

I got all my maintenance calenders up to date for court.

7^th January

No change outside weather wise, there is really bad ice everywhere, I had to wear my youngests army boots to walk outside, they're far too big for my size 4 feet but needs must whilst the devil drives, I didn't land on my ass at all wearing them. People are falling down like skittles and yes I laugh when they fall but I rush to help them too, it's human nature to laugh I suppose.

My friend rang me to see how we are.

My Carers Allowance has gone down. Kick the poor why don't you government, you should all be wearing masks and striped jumpers you robbing bastards.

24^th January

Almost the end of another month, I've not written in a while, I've lost my Mo Jo, whatever that means. I got myself a solicitor at long last. I had a reply to my complaint to legal aid, I was told to go to the court and sign a legal aid cert and ask for list of solicitors, all on that list bar three were in another county, only three were in Dublin so I chose the first woman on the list and rang her and I got an appointment with her straight away.

My bubble got burst when the solicitor told me the District Court doesn't have the jurisdiction to have asked for a full disclosure of the ex's bank accounts home and abroad, even tho the judge on the day told him to appear on the 26^th with these. I was gutted, why on earth waste oxygen if you're going to say what's not true or relevant. She then told me the only way I can get this full discovery/ disclosure is by divorce in the Circuit court and that will take 2 years and by then both sons will be over 18. She said on the 26th all she can expect is that I get the increase in maintenance. I said I wish I hadn't bloody bothered in the first place. She said she can't make that date with me because she has to be elsewhere but she has a very good Barrister who can attend with me, it's a man and I'm not happy about that, I chose her because she was a woman and I told her, she apologised, she said if she could get out of this case she would but she can't but she would be there every step of the way with me after this date that she cannot make.

I was so upset at being told that the judge was wrong to ask for a disclosure, I thought the ex would have to prove where all the many hundreds of thousands have gone, I feel badly let down by this country, they do not give a shit about women and children, the solicitor even said “justice is rare” what a travesty.

I'm sick with non stop throwing up, I could not even get to the shop for smokes, K rang me, she said she would buy them for me and I could send youngest round to her to collect them but youngest refused to go for me. The selfish twat, I run myself ragged for him and his brother and the times he has dragged me to town for what he just had to have when I did not want to go out but I did, for him, more fool me.

I had a meeting with E the refuge support worker. I told her “I'm starting to detest the sight of my own sons and I hate living in this country” she sympathised, she said “it's just because to date you've not had a very good experience with all the obstacles you've had put in your way” I said “I would've had more help if I was a drug user, an alcoholic or a child abuser, every bugger would be banging down my door to help then” E advised “go for a legal separation as it would be much quicker than going for a divorce and don't forget your leading this and not the solicitor, your employing them so they have to listen to you and I cannot make your court date but I've asked M if she will go with you instead”

M did come with me and was good company, she gave me a book to read about a medium. The court was pretty empty and there was no sign of the ex. I met the Barrister called F, he took me into a side room but most of the info he had was WRONG and my heart sank. I saw a different judge, he didn't deal with any disclosure, he didn't deal with any arrears, he did increase the maintenance by €60 but what's the point because I ain't fucking getting any maintenance and the ex was a no show. I thought a summons would be sent because he didn't turn up as the last judge had told him to but oh no. I had to travel from Dublin to fucking County C and that bollix is just ten minutes away but didn't turn up so all I got wasn't justice but an increase that I know will not be paid anyway. A total waste of fucking time and energy.

The solicitor rang me as we were heading back on the train, I told her “I do not discuss private matters in public” she asked “are you joking” at no point was I laughing. I asked her to ring me later and told her I should be back home in 3 hours time.

I thanked M for coming with me then popped into the house to tell my sons their father was a no show. my eldest said “that proves he has a lot to hide” My youngest had hoovered the whole of down stairs for me, I gave him hug for that. A missed post card was put thru the door in the morning post and my youngest said “sorry I missed it because we were both asleep”

I flew up to Tesco to get food for dinner and rang the solicitor and she asked me how I got on with F. I told her he's alright but the information he had was wrong, she said “I will talk to him about it but we already had a talk and we think it's dreadful what your ex has put you and the kids thru, we hate what he's done to date and been allowed to get away with so me and F would like to offer you a divorce for €2,000 all inclusive” I almost cried at the kindness because I'd been told before it would cost me €20,000. She gave me an appointment for Friday but she'd spoken to legal aid and they have refused to transfer the case to her so I need to put it in writing to them to get my own files sent to her.

I was en route to the Community centre with K when I remembered the missed post card so I went to collect it. I couldn't believe it, the ex had issued a summons from the court that he didn't attend yesterday. I'm going to knock his fucking lights out, the bastard. The woman in the sorting office asked me if I was alright, I told her no and told her what I'd just opened and that the bastard had not turned up in court yesterday but had the fucking cheek to walk into the court later the very same day and get this, she told me not to panic but another one of those had just left now to be delivered to me today as well. I told her to watch the news tonight because I may well be on it for murder, she laughed.

I nearly passed out when I fully read HIS summons and saw that the court clerk G had put my address on it which means the ex now knows where we fucking live. FFS. It's clearly written on their files that he MUST NEVER know our address. They could not run a piss up in a brewery. K couldn't believe it, she said “he's got to be a very sick man to do this but don't worry about it because no doubt the judge will rip thru him for not turning up to court” I told her “you have no idea about the court system do you, they couldn't give a shit” We went in to visit the Community Centre and K offered her services as an art teacher and I offered mine as an Indian Head Massage therapist, they said they would be in touch. I never heard a word out of them.

1^st February

I wrote a letter to Mary at Legal Aid telling her I've found my own solicitor and due to their time wasting my son will be 18 years old soon so I urgently need her to send MY files they are holding onto my new solicitor. I sent a copy of this to the bloke who answered my complaint email at the legal aid head office.

I went to see the solicitor, she decided the best and quickest course of action to halt his disappearance of all funds and find out where they are is to go for a legal separation. She said “judges don't take kindly to men like him who play the system like he's done, especially with him not turning up to court then immediately issuing a summons” I told her “I'm not at all happy about having to do that journey again for the third time since December” She said “I will see if I can get the case transferred to Dublin for you because this is where you reside” I told her “I'm grateful your doing this for €2,000 and because you've been decent enough to do this for me then if I get any kind of fair and equal settlement then I'll make sure you get a decent payment in return” she said “thank you, I appreciate your fairness”

I felt more upbeat about it all, I'm just so glad I'm not alone any more and have someone decent that knows the law.

I went to see the Dr about the swelling that has come up on my cheekbone, he said “what goes up must come down” this man is unreal. I told him that all unexplained swellings need to be investigated, that much I learned as a nurse, he was more interested in where I trained. The man is a plum.

2^nd February

I rang the Northern Ireland Land Registry and talked to a really lovely lad, he said it would cost me €20 to check each county in the North and the South for anything in the ex's name but after chatting away to him he checked all counties for me for free, he said just because no house is coming up in the ex's name means nothing because he himself is still waiting after 3 years and his is still not registered yet. What a lovely, lovely boy doing all that for me for free.

4^th February

E, the lovely refuge support worker rang me, she said “DCC want a letter from the solicitor stating that if you get any settlement then you will give them a share of it and they will then put you on the housing list” I told E “I'm worried about leaving here because nothing has changed re my eldests problems and my social needs and you are all I have to talk to a couple of times per week, I'm not dependent on anyone but I don't want to live in such isolation ever again” She said “I think you should be housed permanently here because I can see for myself that you will need ongoing support but if it comes to it and your housed elsewhere we will make sure that you have supports” I told her “that would be the last thing I want, opening up all my personal life to yet another stranger” she says “I know it must be very hard on you”

She rang the Court for me and she explained to G what the refuge was all about and that my address should never have been divulged. G said “sorry, it will never happen again” My god what a stupid fucking thing to say, it only had to be given once so now we will have to move again. I know the ex will stop at nothing to get revenge for me leaving him.

The solicitor rang me, she said “we can't get the case moved to Dublin because it's been listed as a re entry but not to worry because me and F will be with you” I said “I'm not at all worried about court, it's the travelling and leaving my sons on their own for such a long time between 8 and 10 hours depending if the train is on time and what list I'm on in the court” She “I've spoken to Mary at Legal Aid and your files will be sent to me next week”

I checked the court summons and it didn't say anything about a re entry. It said it's a “variation of maintenance” I sent the solicitor a message to tell her. The summons was also dated the day after he should have appeared in court for the full disclosure. Clever bastard, he didn't turn up for that but shot straight in because the maintenance went up in his absence.

I checked my bank, no maintenance has been paid. All those court appearances and fuck all at the end of it.

My eldest came downstairs and he was chatty, he said “I don't want to eat chicken for a while, I want to go on a milk shake diet” I told him “you will feel hungry all the time if you do that and you didn't use them the last time you asked me to get them because they're still in the kitchen cupboard” he also wanted money out of his bank account. I was washing the dishes when out of nowhere he started shouting at me “you never fucking listen to me, just fuck off” then he roared at me “how many times have I fucking asked you this week to wake me up to have a shower” I was stunned, he's awake every morning before me, that's if he's even slept at all so he can bloody get himself up for a shower in the morning, there is nothing to stop him doing so. I shouted “get your bleeding self awake and into the shower, who the hell do you think your talking to, the frigging maid, what the hell is wrong with you,” he roared back at me “what the fuck is wrong with you, you can't do anything right” and stomped off like a toddler. Jesus if I didn't know better I would think he's got brain damage the way he can go from chatting to me to roaring at me in nano seconds. He scares the life out of me when he does that. My youngest got up and asked “what the hell is all the noise about” I said “god only knows because I don't”

I went out shopping for my eldest in town, when I returned and gave him his stuff, there was not a word out of him and certainly not a thanks. He is not talking to me AGAIN.

I made dinner but my eldest wouldn't come down when I called up to him that it was ready. I put it outside his bedroom on a tray, he brought the tray down later and most of his dinner had been eaten plus he had four banana's too.

Both my eldest and my youngests mood swings are utterly exhausting. I have contacted the HSE for help but I've heard nothing back.

9^th February

Another early morning rise for me. I went out and checked my bank. I have €1.11 in my account and  no maintenance has been paid. Jesus Christ almighty. I cannot go to counselling because it costs €10.

I rang M, she said E is off sick, she asked if she could help. I told her “I'm done in with my eldests mood swings, with my youngests foul mouth and his being at home just like my eldest 24 hours a day, I'm done in with all the court nonsense, the maintenance is still not being paid and I feel like walking away” M said “I feel helpless and don't know how you cope or how you feel, is there is anyone I can contact to help you” I told her everyone I contacted in 2 counties and now Dublin but I'm still coping with my eldest completely solo. She told me “you are a wonderful mother who always puts your kids first” I said “it's a pity my kids do not appreciate or realise it and one day it might be too late for me to hear it” She asked “who can step in and help your eldest” I told her “no one has any experience of him, I have the expert's report and recommendations but I believe Gheel and the HSE are just ignoring my pleas for help and support in the hope that if they ignore me long enough then I might accept it and disappear and it all boils down to money and I know deep down inside that this isn't going to end well at all” M asked me “what do you think would happen if you just walked away” I said “help would have to be given to my eldest, my youngest would probably be fine, he would probably feel nothing but relief at no longer having an over protective mother suffocating him but he's my baby and has been bullied so badly that I would do anything to protect him, but I think my youngest would no longer feel trapped by fear and worry about his brother so he could go on and live his own life. I know he will by hook or crook make his own way in the world and that deep down he's a fine and decent young man who could go far if he helped himself out of the mire he finds himself steeped in” M said “they are now grown and if you want to find a place for you and you alone to live in then I will help you” 

I need to really think about this because me wanting it and putting it into practice are two different things. I really do feel trapped.

I rang the court, they told me “we paid the maintenance to CAS on Friday” 

I rang CAS and asked them “where is my money” they asked “can we call you back” 

When a man did ring me back he said “we've had operational issues” I asked “does this mean someone cocked up” complete silence from him. I told him “I have one Euro and eleven cent in my bank account, how would you like to have that amount in your bank account” he told me “you will have the money tomorrow” That CAS service is a bloody joke.

Made dinner, my eldest is still not talking to me.

K sent me a text, she and couple of her friends are renting a log cabin for a weekend and she would love me to go with them, I said I would love to but can't. I wish I could go.

11^th February

E rang me, she's written a letter to Court explaining my circumstances and asking if my case can be transferred to Dublin. She then told me “I can't come to court with you on the 1^st March because it's a Monday and my day off” I told her “I can't do that trip on my own” she said “the Barrister will be there” I said “he will not be sitting with me and hypothetically holding my hand” She kept saying “sorry”

12^th February

My youngest went into the city on his own, he asked his brother for money to get me birthday presents because it's a big one for me. 50 years old. I was worried for him in case he got picked on or jumped by muggers but he was fine apart from getting on the wrong bus.

13^th February

I got maintenance in the bank. The rugby is on so I'm glued to the TV all day, it's the only time I get to roar at my hearts content for the lovely Ronan O Gara.

I went to Tesco later with my youngest, he asked me to go home before him as he wanted to buy more birthday stuff without me seeing what he was getting. When he got back from Tesco he said he wanted to give me some early birthday presents and handed me Lush bath goodies, Thornton's chocs and a €100 Dorothy Perkins voucher, that made me cry at his thoughtfulness because I have no decent clothes at all and for my son to put this much thought into what he thought I would want and need made me feel so proud of him. He then gave me an I pod and I danced for joy, I love my music. I told both my sons that I'm so happy and so proud of them. My eldest told me that he paid for everything. I gave him a hug to say thank you but he pushed me off him, but not in a bad way more in an embarrassed way so I didn't get upset about him doing that. I grabbed my youngest and made him do a Waltz with me, my dream since childhood was to go to Vienna and dance a waltz in the Strauss Ballroom. My youngest then produced a chocolate birthday cake for me with the number 50 candle on it and seeing that in black and white hit home, I do not feel 50, I do not act 50 and I bloody do not want to be 50 but there is sod all I can do about it. I am so happy tho at the wonderful surprise my boys gave me.

14^th February

Blimey, I'm 50 years old today, that really is a big number, it's half a bleeding century. I didn't bat an eye lid at turning 40 years old but this has really hit me hard and made me think. I have more years behind me than in front of me and I haven't lived yet. My eldest was in the loo when I got up but he shouted Happy Birthday, I was dying for a hug from him but I couldn't judge his mood because he'd just got up himself. My youngest got up then and gave me a hug and kiss, he said he had to go out and would be back in ten minutes. When he came back he had got me a McDonald’s breakfast and a newspaper and told me to go back to bed and he would bring me up a cup of tea. I could get used to this spoiling and I love when he's the sweet, loving boy he always used to be.

My eldest bought a Chinese takeaway for us all, we ate it at 7pm. Me and my youngest sat and chatted about what kind of house we want one day and how we will decorate and furnish it. I still have the design of the living room that he drew for me 5 years ago.

I am so proud of how kind and thoughtful my baby has turned out. He's a lovely young man. I wish I could install some self esteem into my eldest, he did such a kind thing giving my youngest money to treat me for my birthday. On my way to bed at 10pm my eldest was coming out of his room, I said "thank you for the best birthday I ever had" and told him I wasn't expecting anything at all. He said okay.

My eldests birthday is tomorrow. I went to town and bought him a solid silver money clip and got his name engraved on it. I found a Robin Hood Chess Set so I bought that too and I'm hoping he will ask his brother to play chess with him. I felt so down in the evening, here is my boy turning 18 and there will be no party full of friends for him, no pub for his first pint for him, no surprise car as a present for him which I always thought I would do for his 18^th. I feel very sad for him and his life.

My youngest did the dishes for me, bless him.

My baby eldest is 18 today. Where did the years go so fast. I still see that perfect baby in my arms after his birth. 

The strangest thing happened as I woke up.  I heard my eldests voice as clear as crystal in my ear saying, “I wrote you a poem and sent it to your inbox, in fact I wrote you two” I jumped out of my bed, convinced it was his ghost and that I would find him lying dead in his bed. He told me often enough that once he turned 18 he believed I would “fuck off and leave me and I will kill himself if you do” I then heard him tapping away on his computer keyboard.  I have never know relief like it. I knocked on his door and went in singing Happy Birthday to him. He said “shut the fuck up, I'm not in the mood” I said “tough its not every day my boy turns 18 so you will just have to put up with my cat wailing voice for one day” He smiled and was happy with his presents, I said “give me a hug, it's not every day my child becomes a man” and I was very surprised when he let me hug him. I then left his room. I didn't let him see the silent tears rolling down my face. I watched the mini film of photo's to music I made for him and I cried silently again. None of this should be like this. It's not fair on him.

Not a squeak out of the father for his own son's birthday. Fucking useless, selfish twat.

I rang FAS, I got told the usual rubbish, they cannot help. I asked the woman “get me someone on the phone who can think outside of the box” I was put thru to H, she listened to all I had to say, she's a lovely woman, she said she would talk to someone and call me back. She did call me back, she told me “F is our placement officer and I will get him to call you” I thanked her for this chance for my eldest because it will give him something to get up for and focus on.

F, rang and he is the nicest man I ever spoke to and after I'd explained to him all my eldests circumstances, he agreed to help him. I told him I could kiss him and said there should be more professionals like him in the world instead of all trying to force my eldest into their box. He said it was a pleasure to help us. He told he got married in our area and had a friend age 16 who worked in the refuge when it was still a milk dairy, he said a horse had bolted and killed the poor lad and he had never forgotten him. F then emailed me their course list and my eldest said he will do ECDL and Adobe. We just have to wait for the online tutor to contact my eldest now. I am so happy, someone somewhere must have put those words into my mouth because I never in my life before said to anyone “think outside of the box” I'm chuffed to bits that my eldest will have something to do from home and further his education, I know he can do these courses standing on his head.

25^th February

A voice mail from E, the lovely support worker, she's had a letter back from the court in reply to hers. They told her that they cannot transfer the case to Dublin.

The court case has not been transferred because it's a summons, and it's HIS summons and I have to attend or I could be arrested I was told. How the fuck can that be right. The pure frigging cheek of it. But if the ex doesn't show up then all that will happen is the case will be struck out. Where is the bloody equality here, he didn't turn up for the last court date and nothing was done about it and I bet a million Euro that he doesn't bring all the discovery documents he was told to bring if he actually shows up this time. What a fucking cretin.

I had to pay €50 to get a legal aid cert for M or F to represent me so that's my finances bollixed again for a few weeks until I get back on track again.

I went to court for the cert then got the dart home and made the dinner. My youngest was just getting out of his bed. I am so tired myself. I scanned and sent the solicitor a copy of the cert so she knows she will get paid. The solicitor rang me, she said she's just going to get his application thrown out and the court should never have accepted it in the first place. I told her I cannot get anyone from the refuge to come with me so I have no option but to allow my youngest to come with me this time because he's insisting he wants to be with me. She said that's a good idea because I will need the moral support. I asked her if she could request the ex's tax returns because I know it's been changed from the UK to Ireland as I'd rang them up to ask them, she said she will put it in writing. She said “he will not be allowed to play in, out, shake it all about District Court games any more, the Circuit Court is much more serious and he does seem to know all the tricks to play but she will make sure the judge knows about it”

I won €25 on the lotto and put it away for my youngests train fare.

1^st March Court.

My youngest couldn't come with me after all. I found out I would have to pay an adult fare for him and it would also not be fair on him to expose him to court procedures and coming face to face with the father he's rarely seen all these years and says that he hates.

It was a horrible and slow train journey. I saw F get on the train but I just kept my head down and read my book. Once in court F took me into a conference room, he said “this application should never have been brought or allowed, it should have been an appeal so the court have messed up” He told me he was going in for the call over and I wasn't needed for that so I just had to sit in the foyer and wait for the solicitor. I got chatting to young lad called D who I've met many times before, he's a nice lad trying to get access and guardianship, he said it was his third court appearance, we swapped court tales. The main doors then opened and in walked the ex with a woman, I knew it was the one who'd been living in the family home and posting you tube videos. The ex looked like a down and out, like he always did after being on a high then crashing down, he looked older than I did and he's 7 years younger than me and I was shocked at his appearance. I told D I'm shaking like a leaf, D said “that is one ill looking man”  The pair of them sat outside the toilets, I was raging because my bladder is always shot to pieces with stress but I would be damned if I would walked past them to go and use the toilet.

The solicitor arrived and we sat at other end of the foyer when his latest female got up and started walking about the place and stood right next to where we were sitting, she was probably trying to hear us talk, the solicitor asked her “can I help you” and she walked away. She was then peering thru the court doors whilst a case was going on, I told the solicitor if she does that when I'm in court, I'll swing for her. She was still at the doors blocking access when I was called. I had to bump her shoulder to get past her.

The ex was put on the stand and had to swear on the bible. I was dying to shout out that he's an atheist and a pagan now. He came out with the usual crap “I have no money, I live alone” he was quizzed about his transport, he said “one car is off the road and I had to buy another and the large white van doesn't belong to me and no one else is living in the cottage” I wish liars could be shot down in flames, they should be. He was asked for his Statement of Means and all bank accounts including his business account, he claimed “I don't have any accounts except one” He was asked about the selling of his share of the London property, he said “I only got £55,000” he was asked where all the money went from the sale, there was a long pause, then he answered with, “solicitors fee's” he was asked to hand over the valuation and the solicitors letter who had dealt with his selling of his share of the London property. F looked at the valuation and asked him “what are you playing at, do you think this court is simple, this is an Irish Commercial property valuation dated 2005, do you assume we all in this room are stupid” He was asked “when did you get the cheque for selling your share of the London property” he replied “October 2008 and it's in my English bank account” F said “I thought you had no other bank accounts” The judge roared “show me now” the ex started to shuffle all his documents, they were all loose in his ruck sack, the judge roared at him “dismissed, this is a disgrace, you are a disgrace, bringing this case to my court and you cannot even organise your own paperwork”

F told the judge “this application should never have been accepted by the court” and explained the huge struggle for me to get here and my family circumstances. The judge told the ex “never bring another case to the District Court again, from now on take it to Dublin” but he turned to me and said “unfortunately he does have the legal right to appeal this to the Circuit Court and you would have to attend, sorry”

I said “can I ask a question, he's not paying the court ordered maintenance and its now thousands in arrears and I desperately need this money because we have no quality of life” The judge said “issue immediate proceedings in Dublin”

We left the court and I was taken back into the conference room with F and the solicitor. F said “he's as slippery as an eel, it was like getting blood out of a stone with him re his documents and finances, your best bet lies with the Circuit Court and you should go straight for a divorce” After 20 minutes of listening to them I told them I had to go and get my train. We walked out and his woman was still in the court foyer and pacing up and down, there was no sign of the ex, it dawned on me straight away that he would be upstairs putting in an immediate appeal. I told this to the solicitor, she said “wait and see if anything comes thru the post” She walked me to the main road and I went to the train station. I had one and a half hours to wait alone for the train to arrive. I rang K then my youngest. The journey back wasn't too bad but I so hate travelling on my own with no one to talk to. My youngest met me at the dart station and gave me a hug, he said he'd done the dishes and hoovered the house for me, what a lovely lad he is. I made them dinner then had a pounding headache, I wish to god this court carry on was all over because I hate it.

I rang the court asking if anything had been paid in for me re maintenance because I forgot to ask when I was in the court so I could collect it myself. I got told yes but they're very busy so they haven't yet sent it to CAS. FFS. I asked if the ex had put in an appeal, the answer was yes, I cursed the place down, I told the man on the phone that I'm going to frigging well scream the place down.

I sent the solicitor a message telling her, she replied “sorry to hear that but there is only so many appeals he can put in” I replied back “there is only so many journeys to frigging C that I can do” she answered “I will sort it”

2^nd March

Rang M the housing officer. I brought her up to date with court and told her he's paid this week but I've received nothing yet, nor do I know what amount I will get” She laughed and said “you are the most honest tenant I have” I was bemused about that because why would people not be honest. I told her “I have to now issue proceedings in Dublin for the maintenance and the arrears” . She told me “continue paying €100 a week till it's set in stone” I told her “it's been set in stone so many times its now reduced to bloody rubble”

E delivered some college brochures for my youngest to have a look thru. I'm crossing my fingers he finds something in them he's interested in.

I missed a parcel delivery for my eldest so I walked to the sorting office, he bought new and very expensive head phones that drown out external noise, that is his 4^th set in 12 months. I rang up the company to tell them because it's not on as they cost over €200 according to my eldest. I was told that it's not a production fault and the user must be doing something wrong, I said “what, like wear them on his bleeding ears” Idiots.

5^th March

I've been in contact with Barnardos because there's nothing on record about my early life due to a flood in Social Services back in the day that destroyed all the files they held so I found out that Barnardos have something about me. I've been speaking to very nice lady called T. She needs me to send her ID, proof of change of maiden name, my birth cert and my marriage cert. She said “there's not a lot of info but I can tell you that your mother was ill” I said “she had to be ill to dump five kids and just bugger off” she said “she was also in a lot of debt” I thanked god I do not own her genes. T said “she had a bad marriage” I said “well, that's something we do have in common” and T laughed, she said “I will get something to you as soon as I can and we can then talk about it on the phone”

I rang Marino College for my youngest, they do not take under 18's.

Plunkett College were very helpful, it's free to do the Leaving Cert or Leaving Cert Applied, but I will need €40 for the registration fee and €120 for the book loan. It runs for 27 weeks. I told my youngest all this and he hummed and he hawed, then told me “I want to go straight into a PLC college” I told him “it's fast and furious with many assignments to get done and on time” He said “I want to think about it” I could be handing him an open door and he would still come up with some excuse not to go thru the bloody thing.

I rang FETAC again. I think the man was bored because he kept me on the phone for 30 minutes and all he did was google stuff and I could have done that myself. Again told I need to go thru FAS and that its a long waiting list. Yada-yada-yada.

Another Psychic Reading from K's friend S

“Nerves are gone, lot of dizziness, not eating properly, lacking in Iron, crying a lot, will get sick if you do not look after yourself.

Learn to be calm. New beginnings but be cautious.

Very sensible child, is out of sorts, wants place of their own. Arguments to come, this person will blame you but they are wrong.

Unexpected visitor.

Stuck emotionally, take the walls down, look ahead with confidence.

Someone being two faced, you are not being told everything.

Circumstances are holding you back. Upheaval arriving, when finished you will be better and stronger.

Get back to how you used to be in looks and in clothes.

Things have been hidden from you, a confrontation is coming. House, everything falling apart, you are getting hard done by.

May/June happy but drained.

A celebration but you will not get exactly what you want.

Take your time to enjoy being free at last.

It's going to be hard but the only way is up, relief, tears of happiness, contentment for the family.

You could and should have been a healer, you have four spirits around you, two males who died close together, a Grand father figure and a lady, like an Aunt.

You need patience, nurturing, healing, lot of positive possibilities for you"

8^th March

Rang Marino College for my youngest, he can do their back to education initiative for early school leavers. My youngest said “I'm not interested”

I found out that Cross Care have carers meetings once per month.

9^th March

No maintenance in the bank. I cannot believe it. I rang CAS, they told me “ring the court because we cannot keep checking because we have thousands of clients” I went nuts on the phone and told them “you are the ones that have my money before I see it so you are my bank for court purposes so I will ring you when I like” They double checked and told me, “no, nothing has been received” I'm going to crack up over all this nonsense.

Rang court and spoke to G, she said “he walked in late last night but I did manage to get it sent to CAS”

Rang back CAS, they claim “we have NOT had anything from the court” I lost my temper and said “well some bugger has it and it's not me so where is it” the man said “I will ring the court” I made him promise to “call me back because I'm desperate” he said “I promise”

The court clerk G rang me and said “oh Anne you are going to kill me, I got him mixed up with someone else” I said “no one else could possibly look like him or dress like him” she said “he's not paid anything at all and it's all my fault as I thought he did and I'm so sorry” I said “I need a letter for my housing officer” she said “ask them to ring me and I will send a fax” She did

She rang me again at 4.30pm and said “he just walked in and paid one weeks maintenance, I will lodge it with CAS immediately” then she said “he's sailing very close to the wind with all missing maintenance” I told her “I'm drowning in poverty and cannot afford to sail” She said “I will never understand these kind of men” I said “don't even waste your time trying to understand them” She said “I've told him umpteen times to make sure that it's paid on time and each week” she said “they all seem to have deafness in common” I said “no, it's dead beat dad syndrome” She wished me luck.

I rang the housing officer to say he's paid one week's maintenance but I'm totally confused because it's always in different amounts so I'll need to fill in my calendars and come over to the housing office tomorrow. My head is spinning with it.

I bagged up all my loose change and took the coins up to Tesco with my youngest, he handed his CV into McDonald's. He said when he came out “I found that stressful and confrontational” god love him, he's far too soft for this world. I told him “it's because you're no longer used to being around people and you need to be getting out more” He told me “shut up, I will decide if I want to be around cunts” He makes me cringe and he disgusts me when he's like this.

My eldest told me he got an email from the ECDL tutor so he can start now when he likes. I'm so excited for him.

10^th March

I went to a Carers meeting, everyone was very friendly and nice. When I got home I asked my eldest how he was getting on with his course and asked him if he was he finding it too easy for his brain. He said “I read over it last night but then had to watch some flash thing online and it stopped me from thinking” I wanted to scream blue murder right in his face, excuse after excuse after excuse, everything he wants, everything he makes me, not him, me, fight for, on his behalf and I succeed and he gives up at the first hurdle. No figging wonder my hair is falling out, he has no problems at all playing games on his PC or his Play Station. But I said nothing to his face at all. I was like Dick Dastardly dog Mutley, growling, mumbling and cursing under my breath. The shame and the embarrassment I'm going to feel when I have to call F and let him know. Bollix.

11^th March

No maintenance. I rang CAS, I'm getting sick of chasing this. Some girl tells me “it was lodged on Wednesday so you will get it on Friday” I said “eh, it's paid in cash so why are you holding it, the law is it should be paid on the same day it's received if it's cash” She said “you will get it when you get it and hung up on me” I was furious. I rang back and said I want to make a complaint, some man asked me who I'd been speaking to, I said “you just answered the phone and you didn't give me your name and neither did the person I was previously talking to” he told me to put my complaint in writing. Fucking useless git’s.

Just about to leave the house to go to K's art class and there was a man outside my window looking straight at me and he looked rough. I thought the ex must be behind it. I panicked and rang the refuge and the housing officer came out and took the head off the man, she was shouting at him. The story is: a neighbour was having work done and this bloke had been told to wait outside the office for his work van to arrive but instead of doing what he was told to do he decided to go walk about scaring the crap out of me by staring at me thru my window. The housing officer then rang me, she said sorry about that and that she'd put the eejit and his boss straight. I am turning into a feeble female. I better get my act together.

I rang Plunkett College again, I got told that my youngest needs to apply now because the interviews take place in a couple of weeks for the September intakes. My youngest said “I'm not waiting that long” He now wants to sit his Leaving Cert with St D's like he sat his Junior Cert with them. He is driving me loopy.

St D's exams are in 2 months time, My youngest said “I will only sit the highers, I'm not interested in FAS level 4 now” I said “you can sort it all out yourself then because I'm sick of doing it all for you then you reject everything so I'm taking a back seat” He said “some fucking mother you are” I said “how dare you, I'm the only mother you have or ever will have” he said “start acting like one then” The selfish bollix, my adopted daughter T was right, he does need a kick up the hole.

Post arrived, a beautiful large mothers day card in a box from T how kind and thoughtful she is. I sent her a thank you text, I hope she comes to visit soon.

I rang the Education Board for my youngest. I spoke to three different people before I got the right person to talk to and he was a real dour and unfriendly man, “rules is rules, no, he cannot sit the Leaving Cert if he's not done year 5” My sarcastic side took over and I replied “so rules is rules are they, so how come the gurriers in his last school who bullied and battered my son and destroyed his education and broke his spirit managed fine breaking all the bloody rules, do you think they're giving my son a second thought and I bet you they'll all be sitting the bloody Leaving Cert in two months time” The man started laughing, he asked me “have you finished your ranting, god your some woman” and he looked up his rule book and started reading bits of it out to me, I asked him “repeat it but this time in English” because I didn't understand one bit of it. He said “yes, he can sit the Leaving Cert and I will email you what I just read out” I thanked him profusely. He was still laughing when he hung up the phone.

I told my youngest and he said “ just get me registered with St D's in September because I would rather do one year back at school than go to college for two years” I'm glad he reached his own decision but that school gives me the creeps as does that man Mr W. I'm hoping and praying no one touches a hair on his head as I will end up killing someone if he's put thru any more grief.

K came round, she brought a bottle of wine, I cannot stand wine and had to politely refuse a glass, she felt my forehead and asked if I was alright, she said she doesn't know anyone who doesn't like wine but I hate the stuff. It was so nice to have adult company.

14^th March

It's mothers day, I got a beautiful card from my sons. I have a big smile on my face. It doesn't take much to make me happy.

A file arrived from Barnardos. Me and my sister were in their care for only two weeks until the father demanded our return, he was working for the gas board. They lived 5 floors up in a slum with rain pouring thru the roof. It says the mother lost the children’s allowance book, she was taken to a rest home as was pregnant again and very fragile, in debt, has a bad marriage. I had croup, was on antibiotics and had poor muscle tone. It had a list of Aunts and Uncles I never heard of but then again why would I when I didn't even know my mother and father. Ah well their loss.

16^th March

Maintenance was in the bank, I flew up to Tesco with my youngest and my cash card wouldn't work. I rang Ulster Bank and a lovely woman called me back and apologised, she said all cards have now been changed to debit cards and mine got sent to the old address. I told her it's my own fault because I didn't give them my new address details. Those girls are so lovely in that branch. All bank branches will be closed tomorrow for Paddy's day so she said she will transfer my money into my youngests account for me so I could get it today. She is such a star, I miss the chats we used to have in that branch.

17^th March

Went to town with my youngest after meeting up with K, her hubby and their kids to go to the parade, the place was heaving with people. K took me to her and her hubby's pub, she told me it's the place they met. I looked at my youngests face, he wasn't looking happy at all. It's been so long since I've been out socially but he wasn't having any of it. K said “send that miserable git home and you stay with us and let your hair down” I would have loved to have stayed but knew if he went home alone then I would get it from them both when I got back. I left, furious with him and so embarrassed. I got a pizza for my sons but my eldest wasn't hungry. He is regressing more and more and no one gives a crap and I have exhausted all avenues. They are both in their bedrooms, I'm alone downstairs, I did think about going back to town to meet up with K but didn't do it.

18^th March

I had to get up extra early as men were coming to insulate the loft at 9am, they came bang on time. I gave my eldest his breakfast early so he didn't need to come out of his room whilst the work was going on. The men who did the loft were very good, they were in and out in no time at all.

I am so fed up tonight. I am longing for adult company. I am wondering what will happen to my sons when I am no longer around. No answers came to mind.

29^th March

It's bucketing down with rain. I had to to meet the solicitor in her office miles away at 11am. I got a bus to town then got a taxi but I forgot the clocks went forward so it was only 10am when I got there and just as I was getting out of the taxi, she sent me a text, “cannot meet, something has come up” I asked the driver to bring me back home, I was soaked and miserable. I got chatting to the driver and found out he was K's brother in law. I couldn't believe it. He only charged me €20, what a lovely man. I sent the solicitor an email, “I'm not doing that journey again so just send me the affidavits by post” She replied okay.

My youngest came down to me and handed me €200 and said “it's from me and brother for you to buy your holistic massage insurance” and he hugged me so tight. I couldn't believe their kindness. I found out later that my youngest asked my eldest “lend mum €200” I almost died because I never ask my eldest for money unless I'm desperate. I get embarrassed at anything to do with money, or rather, the lack of it. I went and told my eldest I knew nothing about it and would pay him back at €20 per week, he said okay, I was secretly hoping he would say I didn't need to.

31^st March

I asked E, the lovely refuge support worker if she would ring the court for me “because I'm sick of ringing them about not getting my maintenance” She did and got told “he paid it late in the day as we were closing yesterday and he was moaning about it because he has no work” I said “he shouldn't have packed in his fucking job then should he and he should try living my life and he really would have something to moan about” the twat” E, said “he's a very silly man having had such a beautiful, strong and funny lady and not doing all he could to keep a hold of her” that made me laugh, I asked her “when did you last get your eyes tested”

1^st April

My poor cat Ronan has been on the missing list and has come back in a dreadful state, he's lost an awful amount of weight. I took him to the vet, he had blood tests and fluids and I’ve to collect him at 9pm.

My poor cat Ronan had been sedated, he was swaying all over the place, I kept him in my room but he kept falling off my bed.

Ronan, my cat went blind overnight, I'm in bits about him, I know he's dying and I don't want him to die because I love him, he's a feral cat, the runt of the litter a wild cat gave birth to him in a box in my kitchen, there were three of them and he was the odd one out so I got him tame and I kept him.

I managed to get him to eat a bit of food and I got water into him with an eye drop bottle but god love him he was going round in circles and walking into walls, I wrapped him up in my jumper and kept him on my lap. I have to take him back to the vet for more injections. I took him out for the toilet but he kept lying on his back and showing me his belly, my Ronan would never do that, it's a sign of submission, he has given up and he's telling me he cannot take any more and we still don't know what's wrong with him.

6pm- The vet thinks it could be rat poison because there's been a lot of pet deaths in the local area, both cats and dogs are being poisoned, what kind of human scum does that to defenceless animals, I would kill them with my bare hands. The vet said Ronan's kidneys are now enormous and his bladder is full, he's blind too now and he told me “you know what needs to be done” and asked did I want to stay with him, I said no, I can't. Ronan was head butting me, he still knew it was me. I called his name and he pushed his face into mine, he still knew it was me. The vet took him from me and said he would make sure he was sedated first and as peaceful as possible and Ronan wouldn't know a thing about it. I howled like a baby, there's a massive lump in my throat that hurts. I got a taxi home and held myself together until I got in the front door. My youngest was waiting for me, he asked if I was alright, I told him no and that Ronan is dead and I cried like a baby, My youngest hugged me. My eldest told me to get another cat. I said no because I always lose what I love. The vet charged €203 on Friday and €48 on Saturday but my Ronan was priceless.

3^rd April

I am very down, I wish I'd done something sooner to find Ronan, he must have been in agony. I've asked the vet to find out what had happened to him.

My eldest got me all episodes of The Good Wife, he must be feeling sorry for me. I am grateful he's showing care towards me.

6^th April

I got the Affidavits from the solicitor but they are all wrong, she said she will amend them and send them back to me. FFS.

7^th April

I was on a parenting site and a couple of ladies were going mad at no new legislation as yet re getting dead beat dads into court for non payment of maintenance. It looks like there are many in my position so I set up a Face book page and a petition and made two of the girls administrator's and sent emails to all T D’s in Dublin. Only Labour signed it, so did my solicitor.

8^th April

The solicitor said my returned Affidavits will be served on the ex next week.

I haven't received any maintenance yet again.

14^th April

My divorce petition is now lodged. The solicitor hasn't served it on the ex yet because she has to travel miles to his solicitors to do it.

16^th April

I rang St D's school and spoke to the creepy Mr W. He will only accept my youngest in September for year 6 if he can sit and pass their Summer exams, but they will accept him immediately if he joins year 5. My youngest said no. I'm sick of him constantly doing this. Mr W asked me to go up and see him.

19^th April

Up to St D's school to see Mr W, I do not like that man, he gives me the creeps, he stood far too close to me and when he shook my hand, his hand was all limp and sweaty and he didn't let my hand go, I had to pull it away. He told me he cannot tell me what Year 6 have been studying for their exams because that would take him too long to find out. I asked him how will my youngest be able to sit those exams if he doesn't know what to study. He said “that's not my problem” What a prick of a slime ball man.

E from Ulster bank rang me, she said she's posting out change of address forms for me and my youngest. I asked her if my eldest could open up a bank account, she said unfortunately he can't without being seen in person but she can ask a local Branch to come to the house to visit him. I told my eldest this and he told me “no fucking chance”

My baby is 17 today. I put €100 in a birthday card for him and my eldest gave him €50. Nothing from the dad. It's just us in this insular world we live in. I got him a large chocolate birthday cake too. We walked around town so that he could spend his birthday money.

27^th April

The solicitor rang. The new Fines Bill is now in the Dial. She's still has had no success serving papers on the ex and had no reply to her giving him 14 days notice. She said whatever that man does is no surprise to her. She said she has heard some awful stories from other women too.

My eldest got a letter saying his Post Bank Account is closing down, I told him that was why I asked E at Ulster bank if he could open an account as Post bank has been on the news about closing down. The letter said he needs to get all his money withdrawn by a certain date. I'm dreading that, if he has cash lying around, he will do nothing but buy expensive electronic stuff that will just sit and gather dust and never be used.

7^th May

The solicitor travelled miles and served the divorce petition on the ex's solicitors assistant. On her way back she got a call to tell her it couldn't be accepted as the solicitor down there is no longer the ex's solicitor. She was told the ex removed his file from the office too. She said he is one slippery character. His old solicitor said he will try and contact the ex and will let her know of his whereabouts if he found out.

I had to ring Disability and tell them my eldests account is closing down and I cannot for the life of me get another bank account open for him because he has to be seen. I'm told I need to fill in forms because he will need an agent to collect from the post office for him then.

10^th May

Rang Legal Aid, they cannot give me a legal aid cert for the Circuit Court. I was told my solicitor has to contact the Head Office in Kerry and apply for it there. Why? Fucks knows because no one will tell me why.

I am up to eyeballs in court file work, I don't want to leave anything out at all.

The solicitor rang, she said “if he turns up at court on Thursday then I will personally serve him with the divorce petition and if he's a no show I will have to employ a town agent (local solicitor) and it will cost you €100 if this happens” For the frigging love of god, there is always something to be worried about.

My right ankle has gone bad again, I cannot put weight on it and have to lean on my youngest so I can walk. I cannot get bad with arthritis again just before I'm due to start my massage course. I'm convinced someone, somewhere has a doll of me and is sticking frigging needles into it.

12^th May

Carers meeting. A woman said she had a surprise for me and she did, two little wild kittens. She laughed when I hugged her. The facilitator for the carer's meeting, N, asked if she could put my name down for a Level 6 Open University Course in Health and Social Care in October. I don't know if I will be good enough to do it but I love learning and studying so hope I do well.

M and E, the lovely refuge support workers knocked on my door. E is leaving. I am gutted, she has been a wonderful support to me. She has huge empathy and has the kindest heart. M is to be my new key worker. I said to her, “sorry about that” she replied “not as much as I am” but she was only joking. She's a nice girl too.

The solicitor rang at 4.30pm. She said “ I cannot make it to court with you tomorrow” I am gutted. She'd promised me that she would be with me “every step of the way” and I chose her from a list of solicitors because I wanted a woman and now I'm stuck with a bloody man. I asked her “will my the ex still be served with the divorce petition” she said “no” I cannot believe this, I am frigging raging. She said “I'm up to my eyes with 6 other cases and I'll ask C in another county to step in for you but F will be there” I said “F is a man and I picked you to be my solicitor because you are a woman” She said “I can only apologise” She said “I have contacted the TSB and been told the mortgage owing on the property is €40,000 and it has way leave problems so it will be difficult to sell” I reminded her “it was sold subject to contract and the ex did all he could to not answer the buyers questions and how can it have a mortgage of €40,000 on it when it was bought for cash?”

My youngest said “I'm coming to court with you no matter what you say”

I feel very sick. I need to get up at 4.30am so I'm having an early night.

13^th May Court

I woke up before my alarm went off. It was only 4am. I showered, got dressed then woke my youngest at 5am. I was charged €39 for a train ticket for my youngest, the bloke who came round checking tickets on the train said I was charged way to much and I should go to the Customer Service Desk when I get back to Dublin.

It was such a long journey and freezing cold. We walked to local cafe once we got off the old train so we could try and heat up then we walked to the court. F was standing outside. The lovely lad D who has been there everytime I have was also outside, we caught up with each others court cases. In we went for the call over and the ex was nowhere to be seen. We all headed out again as the first case was seen by the judge. D went out for a smoke and me and my youngest were sitting in the foyer. D came back in and said “he's outside and he's with that weird looking yoke and he looks awful” he was talking about the woman he had with him at the last court date. They then came strolling in and sat outside the toilets just like they did the last time. His name was called and he had to walk past me and my youngest. He looked at us, then looked away but realisation must have dawned on him that I was sitting with his son who he's not seen except once with me when we went to the cottage when it was full of tramps and drunks and my youngest still looked like a boy then, he walked over to us and said “Hi, how are you” to youngest. My youngest just ignored him and carried on reading his book. When he'd gone into the court room youngest said to me “I should have answered him by saying Oh, I'm living in poverty, I need shoes and clothes and I'm homeless if you really want to know” my boy is quite witty when he wants to be. I said “one day you will be able to say it all to his face” then I asked him “are you okay with seeing him” he said “that freak is nothing to me, he never has been and he never will be” The sad thing about what he said was, it's all true.

The ex came out of the court room and walked up to F and handed him his Statement of Means. I got a phone call from E, the lovely refuge support worker so I walked outside to speak to her. When I got back F came over to me and said “yer man just walked up to me and asked if we could come to some arrangement but I've told him no” F, handed me the ex's Statement of Means, it states he's paying €100 per week rent and the woman with him is down as his partner. I was totally confused, why is he paying rent when he has a mortgage to pay.

Our names were called and into court we went, I heard “his partner” shout “Good Luck” like he was taking part in a contest or race. My youngest gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me “kick his ass”

Yet again it was a different judge, the ex was called down to the front, he told the judge “I'm on social welfare” I thought that cannot be possibly be true as he's had nearly three quarters of a million euro go thru his various accounts so what the hell has he done or is he doing with all that money which is legally half mine.

F, the Barrister started arguing about a point of law, that was way over my head and I didn't have a clue what it was all about. He then told the judge the history of all prior court cases the ex summons me to then doesn't turn up then issues another summons after the court dates he hasn't turned up for and that he's always asked to provide specific documentation and he doesn't or won't.

The judge said “I cannot rule over this case because it should have gone to another judge F said “that judge already ordered him to never bring another case to his court again and it should be on the courts record because it was only done recently”

The judge stood up to leave the court room and said “the original maintenance order still stands Mr X and if you want to waste more time in court, do so in Dublin as we have had enough of you” and the judge left.

The ex did not look happy at all. I walked out happy enough because it means no more travelling for 3 hours by train for me so I hoped that was the end of all of his crap.

I went out to my youngest and said “it went okay and in my favour” F asked me to go into a side room with him. My youngest told me he was fine where he was sitting. And just as F started talking about our next step for divorce we heard an almighty crash and I flew out of that room because my my youngest was sitting where I'd left him. The foyer was silent, solicitors and barristers were standing near the double exit doors. I went over to my youngest and before I got the chance to say one word, F came over to me and said “do not leave the building until they are long gone” I then realised it must be something to do with the ex, I asked my youngest “was it your father” he said “no it was his troll banging the hell out of the doors as they were leaving” he said he heard one of the legal people say “oops someone isn't happy” I just thought what the hell has any of this got to do with her.

After ten minutes I told F I needed to leave and he said “not yet, I'll be back shortly to speak to you” My youngest said “when I went to the toilet they were sitting outside it and I had to walk past them and dad asked me if I wanted a biscuit but I just ignored him but I wanted to say what am I the fucking dog or do you not still lock them away in your sock drawer or you don't usually give a shit if we eat or not” I told him “you are getting like me with your fast come back responses and one day you will be saying them instead of just thinking them”

F came back and told me my solicitor would ring me later and he gave me the nod to leave telling me “stay alert” I needed no reminding but I was happy enough to leave.

I knew if the ex and his new “partner” came anywhere near my son I would rip them apart with my bare hands. I never normally stick up for myself but hurt my kids and you will die, it's as simple and as black and white as that these days. The woman I was, who lived in that cottage, is long gone.

When I turned around there was a Garda walking behind us, he nodded his head at me and he walked behind us into the town. When I went into the cafe with my youngest I turned round again and the Garda raised his hand and waved and he walked back towards the court. It was only then that I realised that C who was taking the notes for F in place of my solicitor was standing at the main exit doors when the ex left so I presume she must have heard something said by them and informed F who must have informed the Garda.

I got my youngest a diet coke and a cake from the cafe and we left to walk to the station. F was there too so I didn't feel any fear waiting for the train. I did tho feel fear of what I would do to them if they came near my boy. I sent E a text telling her what happened and she rang me asking “ do you want to meet up tomorrow and I'm so sorry you had to go through a day like that once again, alone with no support from us”

We got home at 5.30pm both of us were cold, hungry and very tired. I thanked my youngest for being such a good support today and staying so cool and calm. Emotions are always heightened in those places so he did very well and I am so proud of him. I picked my eldest up some curry chips then went to bed early, my head was like a merry go round trying to recall all said and done but then I remembered that I'd a business course to go to in the morning. They will think I'm a simpleton as I have zero interest in it and I hoped to god I didn't sleep in.

14^th May

I'd just finished the business course when the solicitor rang me, she said “ I've spoken to your ex's former solicitor who's managed to speak to him and he is now living in County S and has engaged a family law solicitor there” She said “it could all be lies as you never can tell with that one, but I will do some digging, as I know people in County S and I'll get back to you about it”

The TSB after making me jump thru hoops sent me the mortgage statements by fax and the ex has not paid the mortgage in six and a half months. I was with E and told her I knew he would lose us the family home because he is an out and out evil bastard, E told me to use their phone to ring the solicitor.

The solicitor asked me to get over to cottage to check the place out and get the locks changed too. I told her the last time I looked I had no broomstick to fly on. She told me to call the Garda there and ask them to check out the family home for any signs of life. I did and they said they would not. (G the Garda was retired now I was told) they said they wouldn't check the cottage out unless they got a solicitors letter asking them to. I let the solicitor know and she wasn't happy at all. She told me we cannot serve the divorce papers on him now because it looks like ex is officially running but said he can't hide forever.

I rang the cottage land line that the ex uses as his business number, it was out of service. I checked his business website, it's no longer active. It seems like he really is in hiding and people only hide when they do not want something to be found. I will flush him out myself or get people to help me do it. I will not rest till I have legal justice for me and the kids and a divorce.

I rang the social welfare. I wanted to speak to someone to look up the ex for me because the ex said in court that he's claiming social welfare and how can he when he has all that money but the Social Welfare are on a work to rule today, that's just my frigging luck.

16^th May

Was awake at 5.30am. I cleaned all of downstairs, the new kittens are like a bag of weasels, they have the place destroyed but are ever so cute and so very timid, wild would be a more appropriate word for them.

I was in Tesco at 10am, child benefit was in the bank, thank god. I got my sons new t shirts, pants and socks and my eldest soft shoes to wear. I got a big shop done and had to get a taxi home. I bashed my head so hard on the taxi door by accident that my eyes went funny, I now have a massive lump on my skull now.

Gimme a break from all this fucking shite please.

17^th May

The solicitor rang, I was on the bus so jumped off to take her call. She told me “the Garda should have responded to your call to visit the cottage but I will fax them a letter and will ring around some solicitors to see if the ex has been in touch with any of them” I told her “that worries me because when I was trying to get help for my eldest I contacted two solicitors myself in that area” She said “any solicitor you have been to cannot ever take on your ex as a client because it would be conflict of interest” I told her “it didn't stop B.M getting the ex in to repair her computer twice when I was her client” She said “send me the names of the solicitors you saw asap and I will also contact the Circuit court in that area and inform them that your divorce is lodged in Dublin in case your ex tries to pull a fast one and tries to get the divorce moved to where he's hiding” I hadn't even thought of that. I must be getting slow, she said “but he needs to be found first” She asked again “do all you can to go and visit the family home and see what state he's left the place in and I've taken advice about serving the divorce petition as it needs to be personally served on the spouse but as I've tried and failed to do so three times now I will now send it by recorded delivery to the cottage address and if he collects it and signs for it then I will have a receipt as proof and this will be accepted by the court as him being served”

I found the number of a private detective and rang him up, I told him I don't have a penny to my name but explained the situation as best I could. He is such a nice man and he told me to send him all the details I can of the ex and he will have a look for me free of charge. There is a god up there after all. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would help me, never mind help me for free. He told me his fee's if I ever get money is €1,000 plus.

19^th May

The postman knocked the door at 9am and I just knew what he would have for me. Yep, it's another frigging summons. That is five times in a row I've had these summons come thru my door. The postman said when he saw my face “I can take it away, you do not need to sign for it” I told him “no it's okay” and I signed for it. This summons is him wanting the maintenance varied yet again for what he's not fucking paying for anyway. He's still using the cottage as his address so that's an outright lie and what the frig happened to two judges in both the District and the Circuit court telling him to piss off (in more polite terms) He really is getting on my wick. The man has no frigging shame in him at all.

I rang the solicitor and told her. She said “the summons and him are just ridiculous, I will sort it out” I told her “it needs to be sorted because summons or no summons, I will not be going any where near that court ever again, it's 3 hours away by train for me and he's using the cottage address despite not living there”

I rang G the Carrick court clerk and reminded her “both courts and two judges told him to never bring any more cases” G said “I asked him if he'd moved address and he told me no, so I'm not happy about getting lied to so I will see what I can do about him”

The Private Detective sent me an email asking me to call him. When I rang him he said “he's an activist, he's mixing with not very nice people, he got rid of his dog on buy and sell, he no longer has a business, he closed that down but he's still using the same mobile phone number” I told that wonderful man that I just got a summons so I don't need him to do any more for me because the ex has crawled out of the woodwork by sending this 5^th court summons. He said “that is great news, just give me a shout if you ever get any money” What a nice man he is.

I received an email from “his partner” How the hell did she get my full name email address, he must have given it to her because he never lets anyone on his computer. I am raging and about to blow a fucking gasket. I wish all this mess would just fuck off out of my life and leave me alone. The pure cheek of this person telling me “If you're looking for money then don't bother wasting your time because there is none, I've seen his bank accounts, you are destroying our lives, he's lost three stone in six months and feels his life is hopeless, I don't think he can take much more, is this what you want” I cannot get over the cheek of her. My fingers were itching to reply but I didn't, not yet anyway.

I rang the solicitor, she said “just ignore madam” and “my Linked in Profile has been checked out by him which means he must have accepted the divorce petition because he wouldn't otherwise know my name so that's a positive step, that's good news” She said “I'm ringing the court to get rid of the summons for you, I'm pissed off big time by your ex, he's a creep and I don't like creeps”

I'm being pushed to the Max here with every fucking thing.

I sent “his partner” an email reply telling her it's non of her business. I want to tear strips of her verbally but in person and not hidden behind a computer screen.

I went over to see E the lovely refuge support worker. I told her “I have so much pressure in my head that I want to bash it off a wall” She said “you need a proper break from all this, she asked me “will you go to the doctor and talk to him about it” I asked “is the doctor going to cure my eldest and gag both him and my youngest to stop how they talk to me, is the doctor going to find my ex and make him a decent human being and give us back the money he's hidden, stolen from us” I apologised to E because I was just blowing off steam, she gave me a hug and said “I don't blame you for feeling like you do because I would have ran away a long time ago” She said “I will come to the doctor with you”

We went to the doctor in the afternoon. E is great company. It was a complete waste of time up there. The doctor said “it's depression” I said “no it's not and you cannot keep telling people who are overwhelmed with problems and under severe stress that they're depressed because if I was depressed I would not be up with the morning lark, in the shower, washing and blow drying my hair and getting make up on and itching to get out of the house. I would be under the duvet refusing to get out of bed. It's a break, support and services for my son that I need and I need more heads to get together to come up with a solution. I don't need a chemical cosh to numb me to reality and shut me up” he said “I doubt anything could shut you up” so at least he's getting to know me now. I said “I need people to give a shit and start helping me” He said “you sound a a bit low” I said “so would you be if you were me” he told me “your palpitations are caused by stress” and wrote me a prescription for anti depressants, I told him I would try them but I need my wits about me with all I have going on. I asked him if he could check my blood pressure, he said he has a nurse to do that for him and I need to make an appointment for that. What a lazy sod. E couldn't believe it, she was open mouthed about him saying that. We left and E told me she now understands why I need a new GP asap. She then told me it's her last day and I had totally forgot about that. No one can replace her, she is unique and I'm really going to miss her. I went to the shop and bought her a card and chocolates and asked my youngest to take them over for me as I surely would end up in tears.

I later had a text from E to say she'd left a card for me at the front of the house behind my bag of coal. It was a lovely card “ Dear Anne, It's been a real pleasure getting to know you, you are such a strong dynamic and very funny woman, I wish you and your handsome son's the very best in the future. Keep in touch. E” Such lovely words from a beautiful and so genuine woman. I am going to miss her.

22^nd May

Coming back from Tesco with my youngest and it's a boiling hot day, some neighbours were sitting out the front and drink was flowing, I nodded and said hi and they asked me to join them, My youngest asked me not to but I did and I got my massage bed out and got some practice in and I had a great time on my own doorstep.

26^th May

I had to ring that creepy Mr W at St D's school. He told me “collect the exam papers from me next Tuesday at 2pm and your son can do the exams at home because it will be very weird for the other students and the teachers having a kid come in that they don't know” Something is not right here, he had agreed before and now at the last minute not only has he NOT told us what the pupils have been studying because it was too much trouble for him to find out, he is now telling me that my youngest can sit the exams at home but my son could then be accused of cheating. There is no way after all this is my son going to attend that school, that man is like a ghoul and there are very bad vibes pouring out of him.

I rang the education board and asked what their policies are. M from the refuge said she will send the school a letter too.

28^th May

My eldest handed me €100 and said “go and get shopping, I'm sick of no food in this house” what he really means is he's sick of his weight loss diet so there are no crisps or biscuits or juice in the house because if I buy them and bring them home then this means I'll be told “you want my weight loss to fail” So I went and got more shopping in.

31^st May

Rang R from Crosscare because I cannot get over to meet the Open Uni tutor because I need to go and collect my youngests exam papers. She said don't worry.

M and a new girl who started with the refuge came up to St D's school with me. I don't know who this girl is nor was I asked if it was okay for her to come with me.

The school secretary told us “I don't know if the school received M's letter, I do not deal with the post” but the silly cow was opening mail as we were sitting there. She moved us into a different waiting area. I asked her for an enrolment form, she said “I do not deal with those either and you need to talk to Mr W about it” I told M “that woman is lying and she's not a very good liar either” I asked the woman “what exactly do you deal with then”and she stood up and shut the door in our faces. I told M “I bet they did get your letter and are just pissed off” She nodded her head. I told her “there is no way on earth my youngest is coming here because I would never be away from this place in defence of him if he came here and for adults to lie like she just has and the vibes of creepy Mr W then I know my youngest will be doomed to hells fire in this place” What is wrong with people. I said “the ghosts of the past cannot surely be at rest in this place because it feels like some of the present staff have taken on the mantle of the staff from years ago when it was a boys industrial school”

The meeting was supposed to be at 11.30 but Mr Creepy didn't turn up until 12.20pm. Just by his face I knew he had read M's letter, he was not a happy bunny at all. He was so angry he was talking thru his teeth and spittle was coming out of him, the disgusting man, he was barely concealing his temper. I could feel from him that he was a really a nasty piece of work so my gut instincts about him were correct after all. I think he expected me to go up there alone, it would not have dawned on him that M and the girl sitting next to me were actually with me. When I introduced them to him and told him they were with me, he said “don't move, wait there” and he left us and returned after ten minutes and took us into a room and he was back to being simpering, sly and smiling and introduced us to the Principal, who was actually more human like and quite nice. The Principal asked Mr W to fill him in on the matter and the acting of Mr W was laughable, his head was down, his hands were clasped and he looked all pious, his voice was now meek and mild, there was no talking thru his teeth and spitting now. I would have loved to have filmed him in that waiting room, the nasty fucker showed his true colours then. The Principal then also showed his true colours and told me “if you want to go down the official route and involve the education board then so will I” He said “the Board of Management do not sit again to meet until the 3^rd week of October and they will not accept anyone who has not done 5^th year but I will allow your son to sit the exams but if he fails then he will have to enter 5^th year” I said “he probably will fail because I asked the school for months now what you have been studying but I got no answers because it seems it was too much like hard work to find out but the education board have told me what other schools have been studying so that is what my youngest has been studying now for months so my youngest will be sitting these exams blind as to what subjects this school have been doing” The Principal asked the slime ball Mr W “what subjects have been studied” and Mr W replied, still simpering, “I don't know because I hadn't any time to go around all the teachers to ask” Mr W looked at the refuge escort with me called M and completely ignoring me the mother, instructed M “come back at 2pm and collect these exam papers” We left. M said “I felt like a child again” I said “even if my youngest passes these exams with grade A's he is not attending this school” That is one nasty man.

Rang Maintenance recovery section 0719672599, a nice lady took all my details and asked for the ex's PPS number. I was told “we cannot help but if he was on job seekers we could go after him for something but he's not” She couldn't tell me what payment he was on. She said to me “I don't understand why women are not up in arms over non payment of maintenance” I told her “we are, I have a petition and a Face book page and have contacted all members of the Dial re the new Fines Act but in my view because we are women no one gives a shit” She wished me and the other ladies trying to get this Fines Act pushed thru luck.

2^nd June

My youngest is sitting three exams in the refuge office and stressing himself and me out big time.

He came home at lunch time and said “I am fucked, the exam paper are all about work done in the class and I don't fucking know what they've done” I told him “the adults in that school are obviously sad, unhappy people with severe problems and I hope they can live with themselves so just do your best and take your time and thank god you're not sitting the exams in that school” He told me “I think some of the papers are missing too” I went to see the new girl E about that and she rang the school but got no reply back re her voice mail. The nasty bastards are just being petulant and difficult for the sake of it. I hope their dried up, crusty old bollicks drop off.

Took my youngest to the local shop to get him diet coke. I am so proud of him even going back into the refuge office to face the exams as we both know he's on a losing track because of those useless bastards at that school.

3^rd June

My youngest has Maths today at 9am, god love him.

I got the respite grant in the bank. I just came out of the bank when my youngest rang me and asked “where are you, I'm not putting myself thru any more of this shit, I feel I've been stitched up by that school and I never stood any chance of passing anything” I told him “don't worry just come and meet me” He met me and I gave him €100 from my respite grant and put €100 on my eldests 3V card. We went looking at second hand bikes for him but his legs were too long for them, he had a test run on one of them anyway and my phone rang. It the solicitor, she said “the Garda did go and visit the cottage, they said it appears empty and they made some local enquiries and he's not been seen in the area for a few months now and it's a disgrace the way that man is carrying on” I told her “I know he's just trying to lose us the last asset we have between us so I, in his words “you will get fuck all, ever from me” I asked her “can I could go ahead and contact estate agents to get the house put up for sale before the market gets any worse” she told me “no, under family law both signatures are required” I said “it's a bloody pity that family law didn't work for me when he got a loan against the house in his sole name when my name is on the deeds and he managed to rent the house out to a woman he met online without my signature and pocketed the rent too, family law did not stop him letting all those tramp eco warriors live in my house and claim the dole too” She just kept saying “I know”

The money missing that I know of:

€228,000 inheritance we moved to Ireland with

€74,925 for sale of English family home, the cheque was in both our names. I do not know what account he put that cheque into, the house sold was in joint names.

€128,000 Sale of family home in Ireland

€20,000 loan in his sole name to do up the cottage

€70,000 sale of his share of exclusive London address (or so he claims but the building next door sold for over one million sterling)

This doesn't include his wages of €25,000 per year or his annual €4000 work bonus for the past 6 years or private cash in hand work or rental 3 times per year from the London property. The man is an evil bastard.

What I had left from Respite Grant after doing a big shop and clearing my bills I used to take me and my youngest by the train to the cottage. Just as we were leaving my eldest told me he wanted me to go and buy him a Play Station 2 Slim so I had to rush to Game stop to buy it, I was in such a panic in case we missed the train.

It was an old train we travelled on, there was no leg room at all for my youngest and some little man sitting next to him fell asleep with his head on my youngests shoulder. I was in stitches of laughter and my son kept mouthing at me “what the fuck” he was mortified and sat like a statue. The train got held up for 30 minutes as per usual. I rang the local taxi man to come and meet us and we got to the cottage at 4pm, that is such a long journey. The ex's old burgundy car was still parked outside the house. I told the taxi driver I needed to be back at the train station for the 6pm train so he said he would come back for us. I went to the back of the house first to check if there was any sign of life at all, the back garden was very overgrown, it looked like no one had been here for a long time, we couldn't get in the back door because it had been bolted from the inside, I couldn't get in the front door either because he'd changed the locks illegally and didn't give me any keys. All the curtains were closed but I could still see thru the kitchen window and one of the panes of glass was smashed and boarded up. The kitchen looked like a bomb site, the sink was full of dirty and mouldy dishes. We managed to jemmy open what once was my sons bedroom window and how my youngest managed to squeeze thru such a tiny space I will never know. But he got in. I was expecting things to be bad in there but oh my god I have never seen such a mess with filth everywhere. All the walls had been drawn and written on. I took photo's of everything with my mobile phone. Bags of rubbish were everywhere, there are no bin collections here so it was all just piled high with rubbish bags, it was disgusting. Old laptops were strewn about in my old bedroom, used condoms and packs of condoms were on top of the bedroom drawers that I'd bought, more used and not used condoms were in the kitchen, who the fuck lived like this, the filthy bastards. Who ever it was could have least have thrown the used condoms on the fire. There were three new mobile phone boxes in the bedroom, My youngest told me they were recent makes of phone. More bags of rubbish were hanging from the bed I chose for this house, I went thru the bag and found my old sim card, a 3V card in the name of his Pagan wife A.M, lots of 3V receipts were in his own name. The bed was absolutely filthy and the bedding was grey, I doubt any of it had been washed in years by the look and smell of it, the sheet was covered in mould and human matter, it made me want to heave. I found a note in his hand writing of figures behind a computer desk, I don't know what they all mean but the total says €200,000 so I put that in my handbag and I found his old log books from the job he packed in and put them on the couch to bring home.

The washing machine was decayed with rust, the fridge and freezer were the same, old stinking mouldy food was left in both the fridge and the freezer, food stuff was still in the kitchen cupboards, the camera that was bought for my birthday was just left on the side of work top but there was no memory card in it any more. A calendar with his writing on proves he'd not been living at the cottage, he had circled bins on Friday's, there is no bin collection at the cottage. He had lots of birthdays marked on it including my boys, now that was weird, he did not have his mothers marked off but he did have lots of women's birthday's noted. He had “holiday” marked too a few times too.

The bathroom was manky, feet sticking to the floor filthy. Lots of shelving that never existed before was at the back door and weighed down with empty wine bottles, beer cans, newspapers and tons of estate agent brochures for the local area. Many houses in that brochure were circled, expensive ones too. There were social welfare receipts for “his partner” dated Jan and Feb of this year so she is using the address but is not living here. I was so angry, every piece of filthy human scum seems to have been thru the house and living in it without my frigging consent and me and the kids are homeless and rootless since 2005, how the fuck has he continually got away with being the monster he is and breaking every family law rule in the book. I am not a violent person but right now if I saw him and if he was in striking distance I would gladly knock his fucking lights out and be happy to do time in jail for it too.

I found a tenancy agreement between him and A. K. who he rented the cottage to in 2006. The one I had evicted. I did not see a cent from the rent he got from that thanks to the solicitor B. M. doing jack shit about it.

I checked the car parked at the front of the house, that was piled high with rubbish too, the doors of the car were unlocked.

The taxi man came and collected us at 5.27pm. We got the same old style train going back and my poor youngest had no leg room at all again. It was a long journey back, we felt wrecked. Once we got home my eldest came running down the stairs to meet us, he said “not fucking interested in your trip, I just want my Play Station 2”

It will take me a while to go thru all I took from the cottage and try and put the puzzle together but I felt very unclean after being in that cottage. I scrubbed not only myself but the house we're now in too including the insides of the cupboards.

8^th June

A bank holiday. I sent an email to the solicitor telling her all I found in the cottage and sorted all for posting to her. I printed out all photo's of the destruction of the cottage.

My head is mashed with all this shit.

9^th June

I went to my local community centre to see the counsellor they have there called R, he is mad but very down to earth. I spent an hour talking and swearing. He said the ex “is a manipulator and seems to have used psychological warfare on you all” He said “I'm amazed you're not locked up somewhere” and “you should be proud of yourself because you're obviously a very strong woman” Then he said “I feel I've just done ten rounds with Mike Tyson so god knows how you are managing to cope with it all on a daily basis”

10^th June

I rang ESB. I was told the ex contacted them on 2^nd March to take his name of the account so it was then disconnected.

I rang the court and spoke to G and asked her “what's happening with the ex's latest summons” She said “I've written to him asking him to contact me but I've not heard back from him yet” I told her “you won't because I'm just off the phone to ESB and the electricity was disconnected on 2^nd March and he doesn't live in the cottage, I was there myself on Friday with my son” G said “I cannot believe it because I asked him if he'd moved when he applied for his latest summons and he lied and told me no” she said “even if he does now contact me I will just inform him it's transferred to Dublin” I said “if I don't show up at court I will be arrested” she said “that's not going to happen, get your solicitor to instruct a local agent to attend for the call over and the judge will be told the case has been transferred to Dublin”

I left a voice mail telling the solicitor all this. She rang me back right away. She said she had spoken to F “we are going to firstly seek a disclosure” I told her “it's been asked for twice now and he still hasn't complied” She said “I'm also going to get him into court to account for his conduct because he's a cad and must comply with this court order and disclose all his assets” I said “I won't hold my breathe waiting for that to happen” She said “the difficulty will be tracking him down because he's in another area but it's not that big a place so he should be easy enough to find” she thought “it's strange that a man claiming not to have any money is circling and writing on estate agents brochures” I told her “he still has my signature on his computer so I'm worried he may use it fraudulently and I wouldn't put anything past him and he could go to the UK, use his mothers address and use my signature to get a quick divorce over there because by his calendar he's been in the UK a few times” she said “it might be worth you writing to the UK about it” and told me “don't lose A. K's tenancy contract because it's proof you didn't consent or sign that she be allowed to rent the family home” I told her “I've sent all I found in the cottage by post to you”

11^th June

Tesco with my youngest. C, my old neighbour and wonderful friend rang, I was a long time talking on phone with her, I love that woman. I couldn't sleep, I was awake till 5am, it feels like so many sledge hammers are coming down on my head.

12^th June

I tried talking to my youngest because he's hardly out of his bedroom these days, he said “I'm fine, I'm just busy reading lots of stuff online” he is becoming too much like my eldest isolating himself and that worries me. I got some of my college case studies done.

My eldest freaked out by telling me “I watched the most fucking worst horror movie I ever saw” I asked him why put yourself thru that. He demanded “get me a torch and a knife to take to my room” I said “Oh no you bloody don't” but he found them under the sink and ran up to his room with them. I told my youngest “make sure your room is secure” and I put a chair under my own bedroom door handle. I told my eldest “there must be something wrong with you” That boy seriously worries me and scares me too.

21^st June

My eldest told me “I have a bad back and it's been sore for two days now” I told him “I will get a doctor out to check it for you” I got told “fuck off, no chance”

23^rd June

A delivery of books arrived for my eldest. He handed me a book by Brothers Grimm “because you love Snow White” I felt so touched by this, for him to think about me and get me a gift meant the world to me, I will treasure it forever as this rarely happens.

Text from my solicitor “you do not have to go to court on Friday as the case has now been officially transferred to Dublin”

29^th June

Counselling at the Community Centre with R. I showed him photographs of my sons. He said “I hate to use the word normal but your photo's prove that you were once a normal family and lived a normal life, that the boys did socialise and did go out, they were happy” He said “the feeling I get when I hear you talk about your boys is love but I fear you love too much” I didn't know what he meant by that. He said “I would be worried about the isolation of you all in the house” I said “I'm worried myself which is why I'm constantly looking and actively seeking help, services and supports. I've tried everything, including moving to Dublin so I would have support for myself but I'm still alone and still trying” I told him “I understand my youngests stance about not going back to school as the thought of going makes him feel physically sick after the serious bullying of the whole male population in his last school and the teachers and staff did Jack shit except protect themselves but he has now decided he wants an education and said he will return to a school so I'm very proud of him and I also understand him not going out to socialise with anyone because he said “what's the fucking point of me going out and meeting people when we will be on the move again and don't know where we'll end up” because “I know how he feels after the many house moves we've made” R handed me three tiny dolls and asked me “show me where you are all placed in the house” I asked him “do you think you're seeing a child” he said “it's important” so I said “my eldest is mostly in his bedroom but he goes to the kitchen and sometimes in the living room and obviously he uses the toilet. I said “my youngest is in every room of the house and he goes out with me, and I the mammy is everywhere but mostly the kitchen and the living room”

R asked “why do you refer to yourself as Mammy” I said “because that is what I am, that is the name I hear the most, 99% of my time is spent with my kids” R said “you are still Anne, you are also a woman” I said “I have not been Anne or felt like a woman for many years now” He asked me “how does that makes you feel” I said “I probably feel a slow silent seething but it's all internal so I go about my daily business as normal because I have no other choice but I would love to have a life of my own but at this minute in time it's impossible, my kids could not cope without me and that is why I'm so angry with my ex who's a free agent with no responsibility except financial and he cannot even step up and do that” R said “this is co-dependence in it's extreme and it's not healthy for you or your kids” I said “so you think I've fucked up my kids life then, thanks for that” He said “none of us intend or declare that in the next ten years I am going to fuck up my kids life, if you or anyone else walked in to me and said that to me then I would be gone” I said “well that's the message you've just given me, that I've fucked up my kids lives, you did not deny that I've not when I just asked you” R said “we all make mistakes, none of us does anything intentional” He looked at his watch then told me “I'm now on holiday and will see you in three weeks.” I said “you won't see me at all because you don't have a clue what you're talking about, you think you can say what you just said to me because I'm a woman, I would love to hear what you have to say to a man who abuses his wife and kids and continue to put them thru hell on earth and you made no mention of the facts which are I have a son with Autism who cannot help the way he lives so off course he's frigging dependent on me, is that not what the government pays me for, do you know that I'm only allowed out 15 hours per week, so forgive me if this is co dependence in it's extreme” R said “I didn't mean it like you're taking it” I said “I understand perfectly what you just said” and I walked out. 

Yet again because there is something wrong with my brain another man has planted a seed in my head and now it has taken root and is growing fast so despite my verbal out lash at him I'm thinking it must be my fault, all that is wrong with my family and all that is wrong with my kids. What a Bastard.

30^th June

Dr W where we used to live rang me. She said “it's time for your mammogram again” and reminded me I last had one in 2007 and I need checking regularly given my family history. She asked how we all are and was shocked that there had been no change and no professionals on board re my eldest. I told her of my meeting with Gheel who I gave all my records to by email and in person and the over two hour meeting I had with them and the what I perceived as a veiled threat of the English Consultant telling me they had to take a family to court to force professional help on someone. She was also shocked about that, she asked “how would that be helpful to a family” She wished me luck.

E at the refuge rang me, she thinks she's found a suitable school for my youngest. It opens on September 1^st the hours are 9am to 4pm and half days on Wednesday's. I said I will check the place out before I tell my youngest about it.

5^th July

I woke up with a severe pain in my calf, it scared the life out of me, the first thought in my head was it must be a blood clot. I can walk on it okay but I'm going to the doctor at 3.50pm.

I haven't had a penny in maintenance since the second week of May and I'm seriously struggling. All those court orders and they mean nothing.

I rang Carol Doolan the Disability Managers office and spoke to Rosalyn, I told her “I need to speak to Carol Doolan because I cannot cope alone any more” she said “I will talk to Carol Doolan and get back to you”

Carol Doolan rang me back and said “I have contacted A” I said “A are the only agency who have supported me weekly by telephone since 2007, I found them myself and it's services I need because I'm going to crack up, I need a break from all this” She said “do not refuse help” “what help” I shouted. She said “you need to tell A that telephone contact is not enough and that you want them in your house face to face” I asked her “are you joking, the whole point is I'm isolated and I don't want to be in the house, there must be services and support in Dublin and I need respite” She asked “will you do a CE course” I told her “you should know that as a carer I'm only allowed to do 15 hours per week outside of the house and all CE courses are 19 and a half hours” she said “if I hear anything like home help work I will let you know” I said “I am an educated woman and it's a break I need and my son's report from the Autism expert implemented” she said “I have to run because I've a meeting to attend and I'm running late, we'll chat another time” Useless bastard.

I went over to see M at the refuge office and told her I'm worried about my health and if I drop down dead, what will happen to my sons and I have a doctors appointment later today. She said “I will help you write out your wishes” I said “the ex can never get to go near my youngest because I feel my fragile son would be destroyed by that man” she said “you should run it past your solicitor too”

The doctor thinks I have a sprained a calf muscle, how, I have no idea.

6^th July

I was awake at 5am. I was chatting to my eldest who was awake early too. I told him “I need to accept a St Vincent De Paul visit today, they will be at the house at 6pm” I had to tell him so he could be out of the way if he didn't want to be seen. He went ballistic at me, “Don't you dare accept fucking charity from anyone, everyone will know how poor we are, don't even fucking think about having them at the door or in the house, have you no shame whatsoever, you better not do this” I said “I have no other choice, I may be able to do many things but perform miracles isn't one of them” He ran off upstairs, I thought, here we fucking go again, but he came running straight back down again and handed me €100. I said “I will only accept if I can pay you back weekly” he said “ okay”

I owe Eircom €34, I owe ESB €40 I Owe Chorus €17 so at least I can pay them and get them up to date now thanks to my eldest.

I went to my massage course, I had to do a Business Conduct test and I scored 81%. I have amazed myself.

10^th July

After having a bad week with a lack of money and thinking I had a deep vein thrombosis and worrying about who would take care of my kids because they have no one else in the world and then I contacted Carol Doolan and still heard nothing from professionals I decided to get my head down and get my studying done. The time I'm missing due to one crisis after another is getting beyond a joke now. I told my youngest “you both have to fend for yourselves tonight so I have a hope of passing my exams, I have five case studies to catch up on” I asked them what they wanted for dinner because I wasn't cooking tonight. My youngest wanted a pizza and my eldest wanted curry chips. My youngest said thanks and said he would take his brothers up to him and asked me how much bread he should take up for him. I said only one slice so off my youngest went and wished me luck sitting in the kitchen with my course papers everywhere on the table. He came back down and said his pizza was lovely and eldest said okay when he told him all I had said about getting my case studies done.

At 8.30pm my eldest walked into the kitchen, I was working away on the computer, I lifted my head and said “hi babe, are you alright, is there anything you want” and he replied “I fucking despise you” it was said with so much venom I was taken aback because it came from nowhere and about nothing. I hadn't a clue what was going on, I asked him “where the hell has that come from” he started roaring at me “how many fucking times have I told you not to give me crap food and how many times have I fucking told you that I don't want to eat meat, you never fucking listen to me, you don't care about me and I'm going to go insane, I'm going to fucking kill myself” and he started pulling at his own hair and going thru the kitchen cutlery drawer and he grabbed a large carving knife and a large pair of papering wall scissors and ran out into the hall way. I was so shocked at his outburst, there was no clue, no warning, no storming off his feet down the stairs, no cursing so I would have been able to tell what kind of mood he was in, there was no roaring of abuse at my youngest upstairs, none of that at all. I was crying and screaming at him “don't do this, please don't do this, what the hell is going on with you, what the hell happened” He was half way up the stairs and he ran back down again, throwing the knife and the scissors onto one of the stairs, and I knew, I just knew he was going to hit me, he never had before except when he thrust a plug in a double adaptor into my face when he was 13 and I wanted to remove his computer from him, he spat in my face twice age 12 and 13 but this was something different. I was in the narrow hall way opposite the under stairs cupboard, there was no escape at all for me, it all happened in the blink of an eye and far too fast for me to react never mind think straight and I was more worried about him saying he was going to kill himself. I tried to curl my upright body to protect my head and face and I felt a hard punch on the upper muscle of my left arm which then felt weak and he kneed me on the back of my leg but I didn't feel anything from that at all, he then ran back up the stairs. I screamed for my youngest to help me. We both stood outside my eldests bedroom door, I was still petrified he was going to carry out his threat to kill himself, I talked to him thru his closed door. I said “I cannot believe you just hit your own mother, you have really hurt me and I've done nothing wrong, I'm scared of you, is that what you want, your mum to be scared of you. I cannot talk to you because I never know from one minute to the next how anything I may say will be perceived by you, I never know how you will react, your moods change in nano seconds and it's very difficult to live with. You have no idea of the stress levels I'm under and no idea of all I do behind the scenes on your behalf to try and get help for you. I do not ever deserve to be hit by you or hurt by you and you have really hurt me” He said nothing except repeatedly shout “fuck off, fuck off fuck off” thru out all the talking I did.

For some mad and unexplained reason I went down the stairs and I started cleaning, my eldest came to the top of the stairs and roared “if you even think of bringing anyone into the house then I will kill them, kill you, then kill myself. And I believed him.

I was cleaning the house because I didn't know what else to do.

I couldn't believe what just happened. I've no idea why it happened, to be punched and kneed in the back of my leg by my own child, he is 6ft 2 to my 5ft 4, what the fuck was I going to do. I was so scared about him having both the carving knife and the wall papering scissors in his bedroom, I was scared he would use them on himself, scared he would use them on me or on anyone I brought into the house, I was just scared full stop, no, not just scared, I was petrified out of my fucking wits. I did not really believe he would hurt me with either weapon but I never thought he would punch and knee me, I couldn't think straight, above all else was my worry about him, for his safety. His words of “meat” then popped into my head, what fucking meat? I never gave him any fucking meat, it was curry chips he had, I must be completely insane or he must be.

I knew I needed to get out of the house but I was too scared of what he would do to himself, to me or to my youngest when we got back if we did go out. We had no where to go, the office here was closed. I was shaking from head to toe. I whispered to my youngest “I need to get out” and told him “we'll walk to the garage for smokes because I'll have no sleep tonight” And as if all was completely normal I walked up the stairs and asked my eldest “do you want anything from the shops” he said “for fuck sake no, just fucking leave me alone” his voice sounded tearful, he no longer sounded angry but what the hell would I know, I don't know anything any more.

My youngest and I went out walking. Youngest said “we are fucked mum, no matter what we do or who we tell, anything we have tried to do we just hit a brick wall and he will end up dead”

I had never been this scared of my eldest before and didn't know how to handle this. I remembered once before he had pushed me and all I had around me was a towel because I'd just got out of a bath. I had told him “you will get a bigger fright than me if this towel drops” so he retreated and I remembered the times he spat full in my face and thrust his computer plug that was in a double adaptor into my face but still I wanted to keep everything private in protection of him but I also knew if I did my life, as hell as it was now, would not be worth living, yet another man would be in complete control of me and the dynamics were now so fucked up I didn't know my ass from my elbow. I've been living in such a repressed way for so long just to keep the peace, to keep him calm, trying not to rock his boat because we would all capsize, that much I did know, so I turned into someone else. I normally deal with all and anything swiftly with my mouth. I'm a very vocal communicator but for the past few years I wasn't being myself at all except with professionals. Everything I wanted to say was kept inside me and swished around my head causing me internal grief and pain, I can and have coped with many a crisis but I didn't know what to do about this.

I wanted to scream, I kept rubbing the muscle in my arm, it really hurt and felt weak.

I told my youngest “I have no idea why this happened but I do know I'm 100% frightened of him” I was frightened of him before but I always took precautions, I walked on egg shells, I shut my big mouth to keep the peace. I feel numb, confused and heartbroken, I'm stunned that my own son hit me, that he attacked me like that.

My youngest said “I will stay up all night too just in case he comes out of his room and tries to attack you again” I said “no, just barricade yourself in your room and I will do the same” I'm as scared for my eldest as I am for my youngest and myself.

I stayed awake the whole night in my bedroom, my eldest only came out of his room once to use the toilet and I froze in fear and erupted in eczema. I didn't know I was holding my breathe till I exhaled. I was too scared to leave my bedroom that I peed in a tumbler so I didn't have to open my door and be heard going to the toilet. God help us all.

I just feel very sad. I feel all done in now. I have no steam left inside me. I've lived this way for 4 plus years now with rarely a kind word or deed and now I'm petrified of him.

11^th July

Not a sign, sight or sound out of my eldest at all as yet. I'm not going to go near him but I do want to know that he's okay, alive and well. My whole body is on alert mode, my mind has gone AWOL. I cannot find any sense in any of this at all. I am petrified that he's killed himself. I will go insane and never recover if I see his dead body. I want to call the Garda for help but his threat of killing anyone I bring into the house I do believe and he still has the large carving knife and large wall paper scissors in his bedroom. I cannot put anyone in that kind of danger, nor my eldest either so I'm trapped. He's gone without food for days before but that was just to spite me for some unknown reason, why the hell is he like this, what the hell is wrong with him. I know he has a 5ltr bottle of water in his room as I only filled it up for him yesterday. I filled up another one and asked my youngest to stand outside his bedroom door with me to see if we could hear any sound of movement at all from his room. We heard nothing.

I wish I knew who could help, who to contact, who to talk to but there is no one at all except the Garda. I cannot do anything in fear that it antagonises him.

I sent my friend an email telling her “crisis with my eldest”

I wrote on a parenting website saying what happened and asking what can I do, I left out what my eldest still had in his possession because I knew I should be calling the Garda but he's my son and I want him helped not punished. Every single reply said “get the Garda out or a psychiatrist as violence and threats of violence and suicide means he has complete control in the house” I once again saw my husband in my house, that word control again but I'm too scared to contact anyone. I'm terrified and petrified because of that huge 20 inch carving knife he has in his room. I did not even mention it to my friend in my email to her and I trust her with my life. Why in gods name am I such a fool still protecting my son after what he's done to me and what he has threatened me with. Someone, somewhere please, please help me!!

I'm feeling sick, I'm sore and heaving from the pit of my stomach thinking he must have obviously pre planned this when he came into the kitchen yesterday, he must have known what he was coming down those stairs to say and do to me. I think he got that knife in protection of himself because he knew he was going to hit me so that was his trump card in case I did call the Garda, him saying he that would kill anyone I brought into the house, then kill me then kill himself and it has ensured I do nothing at all in fear for us all, to keep me in line. My own son is a Domestic Abuser, constant verbal, constant mental, constant emotional and now physical abuse. I should have never come back for him, he was abusing both me and my youngest in 2005, no that is wrong, he has been abusing me as long as I can remember but because he was just a little child and did not act out when he was at school then no one was prepared to help and he was my baby so all I did was protect him always to the detriment of myself, why the hell did I ever bother. But if I let him away with this then I know from history he will have carte blanche to carry on, he has to be stopped and I need to find out how to stop him. I've had rarely a kind word or deed out of him, he has seldom said thank you and I'm all done in now far as he goes. I am terrified of him.

He came down the stairs twice and as soon as I heard him move I ran out to the kitchen door that leads to the back garden. I nearly had a full blown panic attack when the back door jammed and wouldn't open because of the broken yet knotted bloody washing line getting stuck in the door hinge.

He's not touched his dinner for two days now even tho I've cooked it for him.

I sent my friend K a text to let her know why I've not been answering her or been in touch. She wanted to come round straight away, she believed she could sort it all out by talking to him, I told her no, I could not and would not take any risks, I'm not putting her in any danger. She said she knows she would be able to get thru to him. I said thank you but you are very naive, you have not even met him so believe me you do not want to be here. She is just being kind but I have enough to worry about with my youngests safety, my eldests and my own never mind K's on top too.

I managed to sleep for two hours, me and my youngest are now talking in a weird sign language in the house in case my eldest misinterprets anything he hears from us and reacts accordingly.

I am hanging on only because it's Monday tomorrow.

12^th July

I left a voice mail on the refuge office number and their mobile. I sent a text to their mobile number just saying “urgent”

I started pacing the floor. I sent K an update text. She asked me for the refuge phone number, she said she would ring them herself, I asked her to tell any staff not to come near the door due to my eldests threats, she replied back that she'd already told them this. My front door knocked after five minutes and I almost screamed in fright, it was a refuge staff called M, I politely chased her away and told her thru the letter box that I would be over to the office in a minute.

I quickly checked on my youngest, his door must still have be barricaded from the inside and he must still be asleep because I had no answer from him when I knocked on his door. I called and knocked on my eldests door too and there was no reply from him either. I said out loud “ I have to go to the shop, if you want anything just text me” My voice sounded so normal but I felt anything but normal. There was no answer from either eldest or youngest.

I opened my front door and M was standing outside, god love her for waiting for me. I immediately started crying, in relief I think, she put her arm around me saying “just hold on for a minute and you will be safe in the office and we shall have a cup of tea” I cried so much in her office, it was 15 minutes before I could even tell her everything that had happened since Saturday evening. We talked for an hour about how I could cope with this, she told me “you are being abused all over again and it's learned behaviour because your eldest saw his own dad have complete control over you and terrorise you” She said “I can help you get him evicted, get him re housed elsewhere and help you get back control” she said “you are assertive with all and everyone else so when are you going to start thinking about you” She had to go elsewhere but said I could ring or text her and she would be back later. I did feel stronger and more in control when I left her.

I had the ideal opportunity to talk to my eldest when I returned home. There was a letter for him so I took it up the stairs and knocked on his door and tried to open it and it did open, all I could see was the hair on the top of his head because his computer desk was facing the door and he had a 32 inch TV that he uses as a computer monitor. I said “I have a letter for you” I held it high like a white flag because the envelope was white so that he could see it. I said “please take it” he said “fuck off, fuck off, leave me the fuck alone” I said “for god's sake it's just a letter so take it” He stood up and walked towards me waving the 20 inch carving knife in front of him whilst coming towards me. It was pointed at my face then he held it lower down so it was pointed at my stomach area. I screamed for my youngest to “move, move get out of the house now” my eldest chased me down the stairs still holding the knife until I'd gone out of the front door. My youngest then came running out of the door, we ran over to the refuge office but no one was in. I had no clue what to do, I was so scared, we walked up the street. I was openly crying and my youngest put his arm around me. I tried calling M but somehow the nerves of me made me forgot how to use my phone. When I did ring her, she called me back, then said “I'm on my way to you, do not to go anywhere near the house, just hold on” Me and youngest sat on a wall and waited for her.

Both me and youngest were in tears. My youngest started quizzing me, he asked me “why did you even go near him when you knew what mood he was in” I asked him “are you for fucking real, I was attacked by him on Saturday, it's now Monday and I have lived in terror of him for the past two days and now I've been chased out of my home with the biggest knife I've ever seen, did you want me to just stand there and let him stab me with it” Youngest said “I don't mean that, I mean why did you go near him at all” I told him about the meeting I had with M for an hour and the good advice I got from her and the letter I had for him and that I felt strong and capable about what M and I spoke about” My youngest said “it was the wrong advice then because you should never have gone near him” I said “I'm the bloody adult, the parent and I say what goes or does not go and if I want to open the communication lines with my eldest by giving him a frigging letter then I've every right to do so in my own house” and asked him “what planet do you think you're on if you think for a nano second that I'm in any way to blame for him going loopy and waving a knife at me and chasing me out of the house with it, how am I to blame for any of this” My youngest said “sorry, I'm just sick of everything.

M drove back into the cul de sac and told me “it's now a Health and Safety issue, I have to ring the Garda” My youngest shamed me and himself by telling M “you're just covering your own arse” M told him “this is a place of refuge for women and children who have escaped Domestic Violence and this is now on their our doorstep and we have to think about everyone's safety and there are rules and regulations we have to follow” She rang the Garda. Two young looking lads in uniform arrived at the refuge office, they said “we can't do anything because no one's been hurt” M told me “show them your arm and your leg” the giant bruise on the back of my knee and thigh and going down towards my calf had now changed colour. The Garda said “we need to call the boss about it”

Detectives in suits then arrived, a negotiator arrived, a van with riot gear Garda turned up and I entered hell on earth. The abused woman disappeared and the mother returned, this was my son they were here about and I started begging, pleading and screaming at them all.

My mobile rang. M answered it for me but the caller hung up, my mobile rang again, it was my eldest, he said “I didn't want it to end this way, I'm going to cut my throat” I collapsed to the ground. My youngest ran away and E from the refuge ran after him.

The tall man in the suit who told me he was a negotiator took my phone and started talking to my eldest for a long time, he told my eldest “all you have to do is throw the knife out of the house, put it thru the letter box” eventually he got him to open the door, it took four long hours in total. E the sergeant took me by the hand over to the house, he said “your son wants to see you now” and he walked me to the front door. My eldest was sitting on the stairs. E the sergeant asked him “what have you got to say to your mum” my eldest said “sorry” I asked him for a hug and I've no idea why I did ask him, I think I was relieved he had not cut his own throat but my eldest quickly shouted at me “no, because you called the Garda on me” I told him “I did not, the refuge did due to Health and Safety reasons”

I rang my Dr and told the receptionist “I need to speak to the doctor urgently, my son needs a home visit” she said “I will tell the doctor” No call back. M rang the doctor, the Garda rang the doctor, E rang the doctor. None of us got any call back or any response from the family GP at all.

I looked down the street and it looked like Croke Park it was so busy with onlookers, I was mortified, our house faced directly at all the rubber necks looking to see what was happening. All the refuge residents had been screamed at for hours to stay inside their houses and to stay away from their windows, those poor young kids must have be desperate to get out. I was ashamed about all of this.

The Garda rang D-Doc and he came to the house, he was a Sikh man and he gave my eldest two sleeping tablets and two strong tablets that I can't remember the name of.

My eldest promised the Garda “I will see a doctor and a psychiatrist but only if they come to the house”  E the sergeant asked me “come with me up to his bedroom to help me look for more weapons” my eldest pulled my arm, he was worried about the flags he had hanging on his walls, I told him to go quickly up and take them down but to get back down the stairs immediately because the Sargent wanted to talk to me in his bedroom. I was confused about the “look for more weapons” but I started looking anyway and E stopped me,  he said “I just want to talk to you in private” he said “your son appears to be a very intelligent and respectful young man, he's told me all about dad and what he did to him but you need to get tougher and stronger, you are allowing him to walk all over you, pull your strings, control you, you need to get back in charge”  I gave E a hug and told him “thank you for not arresting my son, I don't know how to get back in charge but after this but I will find out because life is hell and getting worse”

We went back into the living room and Sergeant E told my eldest  “I want to talk to you” and he read him the riot act, he told him “if you ever try anything like that again you will be taken straight from the house and no mother will be able to stop us or protect you again, we had better not ever hear your name again, you had better not ever touch that woman again, if you ever look at a knife again, if we are ever called to this address again, no mum will save you, I will make sure you are put in a cell, I will make sure that you go to court, have I made himself clear” my eldest answered “yes” and promised “it will not happen again” and he promised “I will see a doctor and a psychiatrist if they come to the house”

I walked E, the sergeant to the front door and the by standers at the bottom of the road had multiplied. I would never be able to show my face again. I walked round the cul de sac giving the detectives a hug and the one lady who was part of the riot squad, I said thank you to them all and how sorry I was at them all having to come here. E, one of my neighbours came out of her door to her bin, she walked over to me and gave me a hug and asked me if I was alright, she told me “stop apologising because everyone has something going on behind closed doors”

I went back to the refuge office to get my youngest, the poor soul was in bits about his brother, he said “I ran away when I saw you collapse to the ground, I heard someone say my brother was going to cut his throat, I didn't know where I was running to, I just ran, the Garda chased after me but someone shouted out to leave me alone because I'm the brother, I didn't get very far because I collapsed to the ground, my legs just felt weak, I fell next to a lamp post and E caught up with me and stayed with me and got me back into the office” My poor, poor child, all this chaos and drama and shit he's had to put up with. I don't know how he or I will ever get over this. Far too much has been and still is happening to us. I don't know how any of us can carry on this way. It is far too much for us to cope with.

The Garda were absolutely wonderful, I cannot praise them high enough, for them to have no knowledge of what my eldest son's condition was yet they treated me and him with the utmost respect, kindness and understanding.

My eldest went to bed after taking the four tablets D-Doc left him. He was more concerned about “D Doc embarrassed the shit out of me by talking about my severe dandruff in front of every one” After everything that had gone on, everything he'd done and said and he had the hump about a doctor mentioning his dandruff. He said “I want you to get me special shampoo from the chemist to get rid of it” and “you have to remind me to have a shower every morning so that I have a routine” He then went to bed. I sat and wept with my head in my hands. I have never had as painful a headache in all my life as I did at that moment.

K, my friend came to my door, she gave me the biggest hug, she said “I knew when I heard sirens that it must be to do with you” she said it in such a nonchalant way she made me laugh. She said “I came round earlier but couldn't get into the estate” She walked to the local shop and bought me smokes and painkillers because my head was splitting and she bought my youngest diet coke, she said she would come back in the morning then made me laugh out loud when she said there was a three piece suite for me in the office at the refuge that her neighbour was getting rid of and I could collect it from the office when I could. She is such a nice girl.

As K was leaving, M and E from the refuge office came to the door and said “we want to talk to you in private” K said “I'm staying with her because she won't remember anything that's said because I've no doubts that she even knows if she's coming or going after the weekend she's just had. E told her “no, we want to speak to her alone” K said “I will be listening from the kitchen anyway” and off she went to the kitchen with my youngest. E said “your son's actions have caused everyone to be fearful and it's not fair on the other residents” I asked “are we being evicted because of it” she said “I don't know yet, I will have to inform head office about all that's happened. In the meantime M will go to the Dr with you in the morning and kidnap him if need be to get him into the house because your son needs an urgent assessment” They left and K made me a cup of tea then left herself to go home.

My youngest and I went to our beds shortly afterwards. I had the sorest of headaches and couldn't sleep reliving everything since Saturday in my head, every minute that happened was playing in slow motion in my head like a movie. I don't know how I, how my youngest, or how my eldest is going to get thru this.

13^th July

I met M from the refuge office and she went with me to see the Dr, we waited an hour to see him. I told him all that happened and said “my eldest needs to have an urgent assessment and effective and supportive medication for his specific needs due to his Autism and high anxiety levels, severe insomnia and OCD” (exactly what I spouted to those fucking idiots in County S and jack shit was done)  I said “my eldest needs to be monitored on any medication that he's prescribed on a regular basis at home because he's not left the house except for moving in 4 years now due to his serious agoraphobia”  The Dr said “I have met your son” I told him “I don't know who you think you've met but it certainly wasn't my eldest, the only person you might have seen is my youngest when he accompanies me here” The Dr said “there's no point me coming out to the house because I know nothing about his condition and it's now a mental health issue” I told him “Aspergers Syndrome is not a mental health issue and it's about time you did know about his condition because my eldest is your patient and if he had been helped and put on the correct medication for his condition then maybe none of this would have happened”  I read him out the notes that my eldest had me write out for him. “February 2009 on 3mg of Xanax per day, stopped in October 2009 had severe withdrawal - losing my mind - emergency doctor said Xanax is as addictive if not more than Heroin and it was dangerous to just stop as I could end up on a psychiatric ward somewhere and I needed to cut down slowly. I now believe I'm going thru the same withdrawal again since July 12^th 2010, my symptoms are delirium, tremors, nausea, nervousness, light-headed and agitation. I'm asking for immediate help for delirium, I just want to sleep all these withdrawal symptoms away because I cannot cope doing this on my own, I need help”

The Dr said again “it's a mental health issue” I said “my son believes he's suffering from withdrawal symptoms” he told me “I cannot help” I said “is this what you tell junkies and alcoholics” He ended up giving me a prescription of sleeping tablets and other tablets that I did not note the name off. M said as we were leaving “the first thing we need to do is change doctors” N then rang me, she said “I cannot believe no one has been out to see your son” then told me that she's on holiday till the 3^rd of August but R will be there if I need her. They are fantastic people.

I am so, so, so tired. I'm keeping a plastic smile on my face but I really am not coping at all with any of this. I saw my reflection when I passed a shop window, I did not recognise myself. I was walking slowly with my head down and that isn't me at all.

Does anyone have any fucking clue at what this has done to me or done to my youngest, does anybody care. NO THEY DO NOT.

I got D-DOC out for my eldest, the doctor was very nice, he said the medication my eldests is on are correct for him and he explained to my eldest how they worked. He said he would write a report to the family doctor about his visit to us and he would suggest that domicile psych care was given followed eventually by community psych care. My eldest again reiterated that he doesn't have Aspergers Syndrome.  I didn't get to talk to the doctor on my own to fully explain what happened so he only got to hear my eldests version of events. He told D-Doc “she called the police on me, I've been fucking telling her for months I only want to eat cereal and fruit because I'm very conscious about my weight but she insists on feeding me crap greasy food” (I do not possess a fryer, everything I cook is in the oven) The doctor suggested “do your own shopping then” which shut him up for a bit.

He was in happier frame of mind when the doctor left. He wrote out a shopping list for me to go to Tesco for him, he wanted an Electric Toothbrush, he wanted red and green apples and a variety of fruits for him to sample and a new quilt and duvet cover for his bed and “you go and find and buy me a water cooler”

I went to the toilet before going shopping for him and he walked behind me up the stairs. I wanted to show him my leg so he could see for himself what he'd done to me before the bruising disappeared. He said “I was walking upstairs on Saturday with the knife and you followed me” I didn't follow him at all because I had freaked out at what happened in the kitchen and had begged him from the hallway “do not to do this” he said “I merely pushed you to keep you away from me” utter, lying crap because he punched me on the large muscle of my left arm and I couldn't even remember getting my leg hurt but I've a massive bruise there which the Garda detective saw and told me “it looks like a classic footballers injury” So in my eldest son's eyes I did something to deserve being hit which is the most frightening aspect of all because it means he's not at all sorry and there might be the potential of it happening again. I will totally abandon him if he ever hits me again.

I went to Tesco after 8pm and got him what I could but because eldest was a bit agitated after denying what he'd done to me, I arranged with my friend K that me and youngest could sleep at her house if he lost the head with me when I returned home from getting his shopping.

He was fine when I got back, he tried the new fruits, he asked me to wax his face, it didn't work so he asked me to give him his first shave which I did. He stayed in my company the rest of the evening then he went to bed to read a book.

He only took a sleeping tablet tonight. I don't know what the outcome of this will be because I do not trust him any more, he despises me yet depends on me so much and I'm controlled and now find myself once again in a domestic abusive scenario which I will not put up with. I've had no privacy nor life of my own the past Christ knows how many years and I'm not doing this for another 5 wasted years of my life. If he is stable and can be helped to have a life then I shall be happy with him at home but he needs to know that I'm the parent and have the right to be respected and not live in fear nor walk on eggshells.

14^th July

I rang Gheel Autism Services to fill them in on all that happened and I told them “I need help, I need support and I need services for my son and I need it NOW” I was told “a psychiatric assessment is urgent” I said “I know that which is why I'm bloody ringing you and the family GP did absolutely nothing to help my eldest, he would not even do a home visit to help my son and I do not need the bloody obvious stated to me” I was told “we will contact Carol Doolan”

I heard nothing back from Gheel Autism Services or Carol Doolan.

My friend rang me, she said “I've spoken to Peter Byrne, CEO of Gheel who told me an urgent psych assessment must be done” She said “I'm also ringing the Doctor to see if an urgent psychiatric referral can be sent and I'll ring Carol Doolan to tell her to keep an eye on the ball regards the urgency of this case”

I heard nothing from Carol Doolan. That so called Disability Manager should be fired because she's a disgrace of a woman.

M from the refuge rang me to ask “what's your income” I've not a clue why she's asking me that, it's all in their records anyway.

My eldest told me “I want a water cooler for my bedroom” he's acting like nothing happened, he said “I also want a new computer desk that needs to have storage attached” So me and youngest walked up to Power City and then to Bargain Town. I got him the water cooler and a computer desk with a book case attached.

We got home and eldest now wanted money put on his 3V card, he's spending money like it's going out of fashion. A mere one day after a whole Garda stations staff were at our door and I have to travel into town to get this money put on his card because the local shop will not put that amount of money on a card, they said it would attract robbers when I last asked them why they couldn't.

So into town me and my youngest went for eldest, we were both exhausted, we were wiped out yet here I was still running when my eldest wanted something done. I'm convinced there is more than Aspergers wrong with him, what it is, I do not know but I do know none of this, the past nor the present is normal.

Me and youngest were discussing all that had happened, he asked me “where is all the so called help” I said “your guess is as good as mine” because apart from my friend and N not one bugger has contacted me or been near our door with an an offer of help, support, services or counselling. 

No one has asked me or youngest how we feel, no one has asked me how do I feel having been at the end of a carving knife and getting chased out of my house by my eldest with him waving it towards me, no one has asked how I feel at getting punched and kneed by him. I have the huge visible bruises that M took a photo of. No one has asked my youngest how he's coping at the chaos and violence and bullying that is our life. No one fucking cares so why do I expect anything at all to be different since 2006. It is fucking madness and the - we don't give a shit about any of you regime- still reigns in our lives. The only reason I'm fucking here is down to my eldest and my eldest alone, we escaped one crazy man yet here we are back in another crazy man's madness and control yet again.

I rang the Dr and talked to his receptionist and got told “a letter has been sent to the mental health team”

My friend rang me again, she said she had spoken to the Dr's receptionist and got told the referral letter to the Psychiatric Team will get to them tomorrow. I told my friend I'd been told the same thing.

My eldest is having awful side effects on the medication and told me “I will not take any more, I'm having bad problems” and he is because I can see he's shaking all over. He said “I read these meds can give you Parkinson type shakes” and he is indeed shaking badly. He said “I think I'm in full swing Benzo withdrawal again and I cannot go thru that again without medical help”  He told me “go and get a pen and paper and write down a list of my symptoms in case you forget” and “write down all the meds I would prefer that are not benzo's” and “you have to take the list to the doctor and get them for me as I'm never taking an anti psychotic ever again” He said “I feel nervous, I cannot sit still, I'm agitated, I have tremors, delirium, nausea, I'm light headed, I just wants to sleep all the symptoms away”

He was becoming more agitated and was ordering me about, he was pacing up and down and dragging his hands thru his hair and that is always a bad sign. He took a sleeping tablet but it took ages before he calmed down. I went to bed at 11pm but I couldn't get to sleep so I got up at 4am.

I had a dream when I was asleep, it was actually a terrible nightmare. I was in a forest that was pitch black and I could hear my eldest calling for me so I walked in the direction of his voice which then got weaker and weaker so I called out to him to call me again to help me find him. This then switched to a large lake that was iced over and I could see my eldest below the ice and I crawled over it to try and break it to get him free but it wouldn't break and he vanished and I was screaming in my nightmare and I woke up crying, tears were pouring down my face. I started smoking again after stopping for two weeks. How in god's name can I let him down, I can't, I need to get him help.

I looked up non benzo meds for him but he told me “they're all sleeping tablets.

This country is a bloody disgrace. I won't even start about the idiots in County S but to come to Dublin, I was told there were more professionals with expertise here for my eldests autism but to be left alone after all that's happened even tho I contacted Gheel Autism Services in April 2009 by email and also handed over all my files that had Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations and all were fucking ignored.

Where the fuck are the experts?

Where the fuck are Gheel?

Where the fuck is Gheels expertise? As far as I can see it's an attitude of fuck the people, just give us the money. I have no other explanation for this. I was told by IAA “The good news is whatever Dr Shah recommends, the HSE have to commit to and get it implemented” I was told by Autism Services “Whatever Dr Shah has recommended all will have to abide with it”

And no one has done ONE THING about Dr Amitta Shah's report and immediate recommendations. BASTARDS.

16^th July

My friend texted me, “The mental Health place haven't received any referral or any call from anyone about eldest and I was told they have a very long waiting list” I said “enough is enough. I have been living under severe stress, verbal, mental and emotional abuse for far too long and now to be physically assaulted then chased out of my house at the end of a 20 inch carving knife and be in a siege situation for 4 hours is more than I can cope with and the HSE will have my death on their hands if they do not get my son the help he needs for his special needs” My friend replied “I will forward the text you have just sent me to Carol Doolan the disability manager because this is extremely serious”

I rang all the phone numbers I have for the refuge and no one answered.

One of the refuge staff then rang me and gave me an appointment to go over and see her tomorrow morning at 9.30am and I flipped. I roared at her “I was assaulted on Saturday, I had a siege like situation after my son chased me out of the house with a carving knife in his hand, it is now Thursday and not one bastard has been near my door, does anyone actually give a shit” I answered my own question aloud by saying “obviously not you foolish girl, hasn't it been proven time and time and time again” the person said “we need to sit down and write down everyone you have contacted” I told her “I have contacted every fucker on the planet and each time I do contact anyone I inform you lot about it” I asked her “have I entered laalaa land because I moved here for support and I cannot possibly be the first family to have had a crisis living here so where is the support” She told me “ try and get some rest and I will see you tomorrow” I'm sorry I lost my temper with that person who is lovely but for Christ sake what is going on here. And how the fuck can I rest when I have never been in this situation before. I am living on auto pilot and I'm a nervous wreck.

My eldests computer desk arrived in two parts, it was so heavy but we managed to get it up the stairs and my eldest was very happy with it.

I took a sleeping tablet but my eldest for fuck sake was on a high and wanted me to “re write my list of withdrawal symptoms again for you to take to the doctor and the (invisible) professional who's supposed to come to the house as a matter of urgency. His memory seems to be wrecked now too.

I emailed to the Joe Duffy show in utter desperation. “So this evening I am pondering what to do? What can I do? I want my son living with me as he does also but he needs an immediate assessment and help with his severe symptoms and put on the correct medication which then needs to be monitored on a regular basis, all of which I've told the family doctor. It's all fine and dandy being told this is a dreadful way to live but why state the bloody obvious, I know it is, but there are no helping hands. And so I completely understand why some Mothers walk into lakes etc to take their own lives as no one, no one is listening or helping. I was a rock for far too long, now I am just a pebble, I have no clue as to when I become a grain of sand and disappear completely but the mere fact that I am contemplating this in sound mind must tell people that I am running on empty. I have said the same words for over 4 years now, I need a break, I need help, I need supports, I will now stop asking as there is none”

16^th July

A lady from the Joe Duffy rang me for more information.

My friend rang me. I told her what I was about to do, go on the Joe Duffy show and I have no choice because no one has been near the door to help my eldest and I have had enough. I spoke to N and told her too.

I spoke to a presenter called Philip Boucher-Hayes on air. I had no choice because no one was helping us. I was raging that only once I was talking on air did I know that they had entitled the show “Parents who are afraid of their own children” it was a farce, everyone ringing in said “get the Garda, get him out, get him jailed, get him into court” I give up.

I had a voice mail from Carol Doolan the HSE Disability Manager 
“A little birdie said they thought it might have been you on Joe Duffy show, the son is the same age as your eldest so I thought in the telling it could be you. Since I last saw you I have sent a referral to our Primary Care Social Worker and there is one psychologist in the community, I will see if they will provide some support. The refuge are setting up a conference meeting which I'm happy to attend, A and Gheel have been contacted to attend too. We can see if there is anything we can do to give you support to assist you and move you all forwards. Sorry you’re having such trouble trying to access GP and mental health services. I'm on leave Monday and Tuesday morning but will try to phone you on Tuesday afternoon but will definitely ring you on Wednesday. Mind yourself”

Carol Doolan did NOT call me and did NOT attend the case conference meeting. No Primary Care Social Worker ever contacted me and no Community Psychologist ever contacted me. I did however receive in the post a Change of Doctor form. All these agencies and NOT one near me, not one helped me get a doctor into the house to assess my eldest, to help him or to help protect me from any further potential violence, all foretold in Dr Amitta Shah's extensive Diagnostic Report and Recommendations that NO ONE did anything about.

A lady from the Joe Duffy show rang me to give me two doctors telephone numbers who apparently had expertise in Aspergers.

I sent my solicitor a very long email telling her all going on with me presently.

17^th July

My eldest asked me to go to Ikea for him because he wants a new lamp with a red or a purple light bulb in it, he didn't ask me if I wanted to go he just told me to bloody go. Fool that I am. I went for him just to keep the peace and for peace and quiet and no rocking of any boats. I went with my youngest and it did us good to be out of the house. But I couldn't get any coloured light bulbs and I began to panic and told my youngest we would go straight into town to try and find them, My youngest said “you are mad to be running after him after all he's done” I agreed so I rang a cab to go home.

I got a text at 3.19pm while standing outside Ikea for the taxi “How is eldest? I heard you on Joe Duffy show. This is my new number if you need to contact me. Please keep me informed and let me know if I can do anything to help”

The FUCKING CHEEK of him. It was from that evil bollix of an ex. The prick, the bastard, it's his fault we're in this predicament, all that he did to my eldest and he's now gone into hiding and he's not paying any fucking maintenance at all for his sons and he's allowed the family home to be destroyed by scum of the earth and he's living as free as a fucking bird with not a fucking worry in the world. I hope he dies roaring.

I couldn't even tell my youngest his father had texted me because youngest didn't know I was on a radio show because he would have died with embarrassment. I didn't reply to the pricks text at all. He is one sick puppy and why the hell is he saving my number on yet again another new mobile phone. He's clearly nuts and that is where the mad hatter genes come from, from him and his nut case of a father.

My youngest went to the local shop and came back shouting and very upset, he said the local children were shouting at him “your brother was trying to kill everyone” My youngest said “I have enough to fucking cope with after all that happened on Monday and no one out there gives a shit about me” I told him “well you are luckier than I am because I give a shit about you” I went out to the estate to see if the little bollix were still there with my youngest pleading with me not to go out there. No one was around.

My Indian Head massage tutor sent me an email to tell me that I got 92% in my mock exam. I had completely forgotten all about it.

I sent the Irish Cancer Society an email because I cannot complete their training as an Information Assistant Volunteer next week. I am gutted. My life and all attempts to do something for myself is fucked and foiled yet again.

I set up a Face book page called “Please Support Your Children” to help get the new debtors legislation pushed thru for all those dead beat dads taking full advantage of paying fuck all for their kids because there are no consequences in place because of those lazy bollix who call themselves politicians.

I sent the solicitor an email re the ex coming out of the woodwork pretending to be a caring father.

I cannot get this out of my fucking head. Why has not one professional, who are now all talking to one another not managed to get a doctor or a psychiatrist into the house as a matter of urgency for my eldest. They just do not give a shit at all. Why do these people take jobs in what is a caring profession then get stale very quickly but when a mere member of the public starts slating them, they all get their ducks in a row and do all they can to protect themselves and those they work for, leaving the very people they are paid to help flounder about with no help, supports or services. The bastards. God help anyone who thinks they can sweep all this under any carpet.

19^th July

I rang the Disability Federation of Ireland, they told me to ring Citizens Information.

I rang Citizen Information and spoke to a John. I told him all that had happened and still no professional has been at the house for my eldest despite all agencies and now most of Ireland knowing. John said he would ring the Mental Health place because he has a contact there but he's making no promises but will see what he can do and he will get back to me.

A refuge staff person rang me because she'd heard from my friend “you are now refusing to engage with services” I told her “I said no such bloody thing, what I did say was that I will in future run everything past my solicitor before I do anything in future” the person said “I'm doing my best trying to set up a conference meeting” I told her “these meetings are just for professionals to cover their own arses, do you know how many meetings I've attended and fuck all was done, in my view they are just a tick box exercise because what has any previous meetings which you all know about achieved at all, we are in a worse state and still fuck all gets done” She asked “what can I do to support you” I said “get a doctor or a psych into the house to assess my eldest, it's what he deserves and needs to help him and he promised he would see someone 7 days ago, everyone told me it was urgent but still nothing's been done about it” she asked “will you come over to the office to talk to me” I said “I am far too busy right now but I will be free in the afternoon”

The solicitor rang me at 1.22pm, she said “I had been thinking of you over the weekend because you have been quiet of late then boom I open my email and all hell has broke loose” She asked me “what are your plans for your eldest, is it not time he moved out and got professional help and gave you back a life of your own because I'm now very worried about you” I told her “all I need is what my eldest needs and what he promised the Garda, he will see a professional to assess him but only in the house” She said “God you have all been thru a horrific time of it and I know a Labour TD who might be able to help. And as for the ex, he hasn't got a leg to stand on re his latest pretence at being a concerned father because all your records of abuse have been lodged for years with the HSE and other agencies in County S and for your eldest unfortunately in this country even if you have no limbs you get no help and it's a disgrace” I told her “I have informed all agencies from now on anything said or done or threatened to do I will run past you first” She told me “under no circumstances reply to your ex, just ignore that bollix” that had me laugh out loud.

I wrote down all my issues about this upcoming conference meeting:

• This was an emergency otherwise why would the refuge call the Garda. 20 Garda turned up including a riot squad yet fuck all has been done at all to get a doctor or a psychiatrist into the house to see my eldest.

• There has been no support for my youngest or me after all that happened.

• A conference meeting could take weeks to set up, how is that going to help us. What do they hope will change with this meeting. I know Gheel Autism Services because I gave them all my files from another county including Dr Shah's report and recommendations and they just ignored my 4 texts asking for help in previous crisis and I was given the run around by Peter Byrne the CEO whenever I spoke to him.

• I have spoken to one agency support person, who has been an angel to me regularly for the past 3 years.

• HSE Disability: I introduced myself to them and I also gave Carol Doolan, Dr Shah's report and recommendations. Fuck me I even rang them when I was in the street when I thought I have a deep vein thrombosis and told her I needed help and I couldn't cope so what the fuck are they all going to do at a meeting. My belief is it is yet again just another tick box exercise, a cover our arses and have their own agenda scenario.

• The only time I am out of the house is for food shopping, running to my eldests demands to get him whatever he wants or needs and I'm out once per week for my course. If I now left my sons at home and my eldest did anything to my youngest in my absence then I'm sure I'd be arrested for neglect. These agencies should all be ashamed of themselves but I doubt very much they will be because they do not give a flying fuck.

I feel so sorry for my youngest, he has no one to talk to except me, he has been offered chats with the refuge staff but he keeps saying no to everything. He only talks about games and Pokemon.

My eldest is hardly out of his room, it seems he just wants to sleep until help arrives and not one fucker is in sight to do so. I could weep and scream the place down.

20^th July

Dr Blenard Hassett's secretary rang me back, she asked” how did you get the doctors name and who told you about him, why are you not going to your own GP?”  What a wagon of a woman. I told her “one of Joe Duffy's staff gave me the number because the doctor is supposed to have expertise in Aspergers and my GP is doing nothing to help my son” She said “I will call you back once the doctor has all this information”

I rang Mental Health and spoke to a Nurse, she told me “you've saved me a call because you're on my list of people I have to call today” She said “I have an appointment for your eldest on Friday” I said “why, when he has agoraphobia, this doesn't instil any confidence in me if you know this because you would have been informed but still want to send out an appointment when my son doesn't leave the house, how in god's name can he attend any appointment outside of the house, he only agreed to see a professional if they came to the house” I was in tears at the stupidity, this ongoing stupidity of all professionals I've had the misfortune to meet in this country. She said “I will have to check with someone else and get back to you”

I rang the refuge office in tears. E said “I will call ACCESS who have psychiatrists and I will get them to ring your own GP and get back to you about any help” No one from ACCESS rang me or contacted my GP.

21^st July

I rang the Mental Health Commission. They only deal with hospital patients.

I rang Mental Health Ireland, spoke to P she said “it's all a disgrace” she gave me a number to ring in England for support.

I rang the Office of the Ombudsman, they only deal with maladministration. I was told “write a complaint directly to the HSE”

I rang Sean Haughy TD. I left a voice mail asking for a call back.

I rang Irish Advocacy Network, they only deal with service users directly and not third parties, I said “even those service users who cannot speak for themselves” The snooty cow just repeated what she had just told me.

A refuge worker rang me to say “I've spoken to Carol Doolan and yes Carol will be attending the conference meeting. Anne Moroney from Primary Social Care will also attend” I asked her why. She said “I'm just passing on what I was told” I said “It all looks good these bums on seats but what about my son, what about my eldest in the here and now” I then got told “I want a face to face meeting with you about his behaviour as certain procedures need to be followed and this cannot be done over the phone so you'll have to come over at 2.15pm to see us”

I went over to the refuge office. I was told “you have to give your eldest a letter because it's addressed to him” I said “we moved here as a special case for support due to my isolation, lack of family and no friends due to my family circumstances of me being a carer and you knew exactly what you were taking on with us, I moved here for support and not transitional housing” E, the manager said “if you do not agree to give this letter to your eldest then I will take it over to the house myself and slide it under his bedroom door and if he gets angry, he will be angry with me, not you and if his behaviour happens again he will be evicted. Your eldest is an adult who has to realise that his actions were a risk to the other residents and there are going to be consequences to his actions”

I told E “you are totally mad because my son never gets angry at anyone else, it is always only towards me and my youngest and you are putting me in serious danger, you are putting my family in jeopardy by demanding I do this and my sole concern is for all of our safety, that letter could make my eldest feel he now has no home and he may see no alternative but take a way out that he's attempted before” I stood up to leave because I was very upset and crying and told them “I'm going to speak to my solicitor about this because you clearly have no idea the impact of what you're demanding I do, what impact it could have on us all” I said “you getting active threatening my eldest which in turn threatens me and my youngest too is causing me huge fear over what danger this could put us all in. I haven't seen you as active in getting a professional into the house to assess my eldest” E asked “why do you need to call your solicitor” I said “because I want legal advice” and I walked out. I am frigging terrified about all this.

I rang Dr Blenard Hassett again, I was told “he's just back from holiday” a woman took my details and said she will call me back.

E from the refuge sent me a text “I would like to meet with you as soon as possible and I'm available this afternoon” I replied “I will contact you as soon as I am free”

I rang the solicitor and told her about the letter the refuge want me to give to my eldest or they will enter my house and slide it under his bedroom door and my fear about any negative reaction from my eldest. I'm worried in case he sees no way out of this and tries to kill himself again or kills me or both. The solicitor said “as you pay rent you have legal rights and no one is allowed into that house unless you invite them to do so” She said she would make some phone calls and get back to me.

I wrote out what I want to say to E before I went over to see her in her office.

When I did go over to the refuge office, I told them “allow me to read out a list of what I feel and then I will listen to your answers”

• There has been no real support for either my youngest or me surrounding what we went thru. M is not a counsellor or a Disability expert.
• The small window of opportunity where my eldest promised the Garda he would see a professional in the house is slipping away because no one has been near him and this is an emergency situation.
• Calling all professionals you can think of to a conference meeting could take weeks and I want to know what good any meeting will do when sod all has been done since 2006 and all the agencies I contacted in Dublin the past year has produced no help, no support and no services.
• This morning I got a text from you asking me how did my weekend go. Considering that I'm totally alone and living a very restricted life and with all that's gone on recently the least I would have expected from you was the offer to get out of the house and have a chat in person. I moved here for support.
• I intend to find an advocate for myself and my kids who has no other agenda except how to best help us and listen to us.
• My solicitor has now been advised of all that has happened and has asked for frequent updates.
• The only time I leave the house is for our daily shopping and once per week for a course which I cannot now attend until my eldest has had the “emergency” assessment.
• Am I superwoman who deserves no other way of life at all.

All I heard back from them was “all we are doing and all we have done for you” I complained that “Carol Doolan has still not rang me back as she said she would” E said “M is liaising with Carol” I said “yes about attending a meeting and M is not living my life and living with someone with a disability, I am and I expect the Disability Manager to call me when she said she would but only after a little birdie had told her it might have been me on a bloody radio show”

I went home, defeated, deflated, beaten down, alone, totally alone with all this.

I rang John of Citizen Information again because I hadn't heard back from him. I left him a voice mail.

I rang Barnardos Advocacy, I was told “we are not for under 18 year olds so cannot help”

I rang Crosscare which I should have done in the beginning and a woman said “I have someone in mind that's independent of everything” She will see what she can do to help, she also gave me the number of Inclusion Ireland.

A woman at Crosscare rang me. She said “I will contact a woman called S at Fingal Partnership for you as she is an advocate”

I really do need one because I no longer trust any of these so called professionals as I just see them protecting themselves first and foremost and my family's needs and my eldest are not at the top of any of their agenda's

Even tho I have no money I started ringing private psychiatrist's to see how much one would cost to come visit my eldest before he refused to see anyone at all. Not one that I rang do home visits.

22^nd July

The lady from the Joe Duffy Live line rang me. She couldn't believe I was still flying solo. She told me “ring the Garda and ask them what Doctor came out to the house on the 12^th and get him to come back out to see your eldest and assess him” She said “it's just ridiculous that Mental Health are making you go visit them when it's all about your eldest who cannot leave the house” she said “they should be coming out to see HIM because it's a matter of urgency for god's sake” and said “I can imagine the whole story changing if that knife had been stuck into you” After I told her about the refuge Manager coming immediately to the house after the knife incident she said “no way should she have told your friend K to leave you so she could talk to you in private, that is your house and you have the right to have anyone you like with you for support in your home and how dare she order anyone in your house to do or not do anything, don't take any more of this nonsense, you're vulnerable right now and they are undermining you by telling your friend to leave” and “As for meetings, they are all fine but they all seem to have forgotten the urgency of this for your son” and “it's disgraceful the refuge made you give your eldest a letter with no supports in place for any of you in case of any backlash from him”

I spoke to my eldest about getting the Garda doctor in to assess him because no one else seems to want to. He said “no fucking way, that bastard embarrassed me in front of everyone by talking about my bad dandruff” I just don't know what else I can do.

I rang the Garda anyway to find out the doctors name. I talked to Sergeant E, he said “I can't believe you still have no help, it's disgraceful” and asked “how is your son now” the only one who has bothered to ask me apart from my friend and N. He told me it was a Dr K and he was from D Doc. I told him about the Joe Duffy show and told him “I praised you all” he thought that was funny but said “you didn't mention us by name did you” I said “no” He thanked me for the letter I sent to the Garda station, he said “we were grateful to receive it because we rarely get thanks from anyone and you can call back at any time if you need help” What a kind and lovely man.

I rang Dr Blenard Hassett again, I asked the receptionist “has the doctor decided if he can be my eldests doctor and come out to see him urgently” I was told “the Doctor has had a family bereavement and will get back to you when he returns”

I rang a Dr O Driscoll on Clontarf Road, I was told that he's on holiday but I can ring back on Monday.

I rang Dr Michael Corry, I was told he's not taking on any new patients.

I rang Dr Robert Daly, the receptionist said she would speak to him and get back to me.

I rang Dr Anthony Hynes, no reply.

I rang Dr Wagdy Mirty, I was told he does 12 hour shifts and is snowed under and does not do house calls.

I ring Dr Butterfield, I was told she doesn't do house calls, I was then told after explaining everything “the family GP has a duty of care to your son and this should be consistent care so your son trusts someone” I told her “our GP has never seen my son at all” She said she was sorry but she cannot help.

Dr Blenard Hassett receptionist rang me back. The snooty cow said “the doctor doesn't want to be involved in your dispute” I asked her “what dispute would that be, my son needs an urgent assessment and I was told the doctor had expertise in my son's condition” She put the phone down on me.

I told my eldest “I'm going to a meeting with a psychiatrist, will you come. He replied “no fucking way am I talking to them, they will only section me” I told him “don't be stupid, that won't happen and even if it did it would be over my dead body and if it was going to happen, it would have be done on the 12^th of July but not one bugger has been near us so put that thought of being sectioned right out of your head as I have enough to worry about” He said “I only need to get a doctor to get me on the right medication that will help me” I said “I cannot get you a doctor for love nor fucking money and I've tried them all from the phone book”

S from Fingal Partnership rang me. She listened to everything I had to say. She said “you're not in our jurisdiction but I've been given the go ahead to help because you have no one else and it's an emergency situation” She said “Carol Doolan should not be talking to M from the refuge about anything to do with your family and should only be talking directly to you” I am to going meet S at Connolly station at 10am and take copies of all I have for her to read. She sounds like a lovely girl and she really knows her stuff.

23^rd July

I went to the Psychiatric meeting with a refuge staff member.

What a total waste of my time. I saw Dr Cannings registrar who said “I'm new and don't know anything about your eldest” but he seemed to know a lot by his questioning of me. I could hardly understand a word he was saying and he hardly understood me. He wanted the prior history. I gave him all relevant documents I had and my eldest own words about his dad and all my letters to the government, to T D's and every other bugger since 2006.

For some strange reason the man started to question the refuge worker about my eldest. I asked him “why are you talking to M about my son, she's here to give me support, nothing else, she's never met my son, she's never spoken to my son, she's never seen my son. I'm his mother so anything you have to say you say it to me or I'm leaving” M told him “I have never once met her eldest” He then apologised to me. He asked a lot of questions on how my eldest was doing now. I told him “the small window of opportunity where my eldest promised the Garda he would engage with a professional only if they came to the house is slipping away so why hasn't anyone been at the house” I gave him my eldests words of how the medication made him feel so now he's stopped taking them and about how he felt and reacted after going cold turkey coming off 3mg per day of Xanax. I told him “at present my eldest is calm but we have been expecting professional help for 11 days now especially anti anxiety medication for his huge anxiety levels that Dr Amitta Shah had warned could reach dangerous levels and how more dangerous does it have to get after me being physically assaulted by him, at the end of a carving knife he was holding and he threatened to kill me” I said “I don't live with Aspergers Syndrome, I live with my son who has the condition of Aspergers who hasn't been supervised or properly medicated for how the condition makes him feel and no one knows what difference could be made to his life if he had what he's morally and legally entitled to and my son needs and deserves the chance to find out, otherwise he could end up in jail or I will end up dead or he will” The registrar asked “do you want him living with you” I said “yes, he has nowhere else to go and everyone has ignored Dr Shah's recommendations so yes I want him living with me but everything needs to change, I cannot cope without supports and he cannot cope unless there is intervention of services and supports and everyone seems to have just forgotten my youngest in all of this”

The registrar said “I am only one member of the team and I just need to see the whole picture” I told him “I am sick of hearing that sentence, my son has a disability of Aspergers, that brings it's own problems and difficulties, he also has agoraphobia, he went thru hell with his father, he has now attacked me and held a carving knife and ran with it in my direction to get me out of his room, he ran down the stairs with it chasing me out of the front door, he told me if I got anyone in the house he would kill me, kill them and then kill himself so what more of a fucking picture do you need. I have been thru this bollix before in another county and I'm not falling for it or putting up with it, I seem to be perceived as an idiot so you better take heed and you should report back that I am not and will not be given any more bullshit or have any more time wasted because this is my life and I have had enough of it” He kept saying sorry to me.

M told the registrar “our agency have called for a case conference on the 28^th July and different agencies have been asked to attend” I said “it's all just to look good on paper and as usual nothing will be done” The registrar said “why do you think that” I said “I have been involved with all of these agencies since 2006 and been left alone with no input, help, services or supports so what is holding a meeting going to provide” The registrar had the cheek to tell me “you need to have a little patience” 
I started laughing, I asked him “have you actually listened to a bloody word I've said, me and my kids have waited 4 damn years and jack shit has been done and if patience comes in a bottle then you should prescribe it to me because I have no patience left in me” and I asked him “would you like to be battered and on the end of a carving knife” I am absolutely convinced all these people are fools and tools and fucking useless.

M said “you're looking for support and that's why the meeting's been called” I said “the support should have been there from the get go and not the aftermath and I'll believe it when I see it” I asked the registrar “how is a psychiatrist going to see my son when he doesn't leave the house” He replied “I don't know” What chance did we have with this place when he was sitting there telling me he doesn't know. 

M said “I spoke to F the nurse here and asked her if she can attend the conference meeting” I asked her “why is this the first time I'm hearing this, no one is allowed to discus my son's medical history willy nilly because it's illegal” I asked the registrar “am I right in saying this” and he said “yes” 

He asked me “who is your new GP” I told him “I cannot get anyone to take my son on and I've rang 12 doctors in my area” I asked “how long is this all going to take before my son gets the help he requires” The registrar said “I cannot say, I need to have a meeting with the rest of the team but I cannot give you any time frame at all” I said “what, even tho this has been and still is an emergency” I said “I would appreciate if you can find any bloody doctor at all that would be prepared to come to the house to give my son his basic human rights because it's their duty of care to provide this and is his entitlement” I then told him “I want you to seek my permission on behalf of my son before you discuss my son with any other agency because it's illegal for you to do so” he said “off course” I told him “I will give you a copy of my journals because what you will read re all HSE records are bullshit and I will provide you with the truth” Once again I handed over Dr Amitta Shah’s extensive report and immediate recommendations, of which NOTHING was implemented. He told me “you have a lot to cope with and we'll be in touch soon but I cannot say when” Me and M left.

24^th July

My eldest seems fine at the moment, he wanted me to see a news report he was reading online.

At 10.40pm he came down the stairs and asked me for a sleeping tablet. He was in a bad mood the way he asked me. There was no please and no thank you out of him. I said “I need to search for the tablets because I've hidden them” He started going on about his teeth, he demanded “look at them” then said “how the fuck am I ever going to get them fixed because it will cost thousands” I reminded him “the many times I got you a dentist appointment but you then refused to go” He stormed off roaring at me “why do you think I want to sleep all the time, I fucking hate this shit” I have to admit I was frightened because I thought he was about to kick off again, it was his weight last week that was all my fault and now it's his teeth.

25^th July

I woke up to a lambasting email from my eldest and my stomach flipped when I saw his name because I thought it was from his father.

I didn't even bother replying because he's not in his right mind at all. He is over 18, he has his own money that he wastes on crap and he could be saving for his teeth. He refused to go to the many appointments I made for him, he always backed out of them at the last minute as he does with everything he wants me to do for him. He seems to have forgot the life I had to lead with his father with no money and no access to money and no bank account so he can piss off and complain to his father and if he starts on me in person at all or I feel threatened by him in any way then I am just calling the Garda because I have had enough now. I am sick and tired and drained of being his hypothetical punch bag and of awaiting the next explosion from him.

He stayed in his room the whole day. I left him water and a sleeping tablet outside his door. I was so scared the whole day waiting for an explosion. I suppose the professionals will have a good cover story if I'm found dead at my eldests hands. Me and my youngest are back to talking in our own sign language and whispers again. I hate this life I'm forced to live. I walked up to Tesco alone. I told my youngest all I want, need and crave is peace. I feel that the last crisis is coming, I feel that he has had enough of living like he does, he will either kill himself or me or both. What in gods name is a mother to do when she is totally alone in the world with no back up. This is not going to end well at all and it's all my fault apparently.

A Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning rang me as I was walking back from Tesco at 6.42pm. she said “I'm very sorry everything has been so complicated because the catchment area was changed for 7 days only and now it's changed back again which means you will have to start from scratch all over again but due to the obvious urgency and your extreme circumstances I would like to come and see your eldest in the house tomorrow evening when I've finished my shift” She said “I am going to be straight with you, there is no one in Ireland with any expertise at all, it will be extremely difficult getting him the right help because the mental health services are struggling and there are only two professionals to many thousands in one area alone but I can hear you're not Irish” she asked me “ could you not go home to the UK” I said “I wish I could but our circumstances both financial and personal means I cannot do anything” she said “Dr Hassett is the first point of call for your area” 
I told her “he's already refused to get involved with my son” She said “his condition can be managed perfectly well with the family GP” I said “the family GP refuses to come to the house and keeps telling me it's a mental health issue and I have been warned by an advocate that I might be persuaded to get my eldest sectioned for his own good but I'm not going to allow that to happen” she said “under the constitution that could never happen, it would be illegal because your eldest has a disability” I asked her “can you please tell them all that at the conference meeting and give it to me in writing also for future reference because I'm worried sick about him being sectioned” she said “I will” What a lovely lady. I said “thank you for being so honest decent and kind because I know you don't need to be doing this for us” She said “I will ring you when I finish my shift tomorrow to give you some idea of when I will be at the house to see your eldest”

I sent my eldest an email marking it urgent that he meets this Consultant because she is going to help us at the meeting. If he doesn't meet her then I believe we are fucked.

26^th July

I met S from Fingal Partnership at Dublin Connelly station cafe, she's such a nice girl, she gave me a hug, she is very chatty and very friendly and we got on great. I gave her all I had re my files and all typed notes of what happened recently and everyone I'd spoken to and contacted. She told me “attend the conference meeting and see what they all have to say and let them do the talking and do not react” she said “they will probably suggest that he is sectioned for his own good but you just have to tell them that your not agreeing to any such thing happening, that your not giving your consent to that because his needs have not been met re his disability despite an expert on his Autism's recommendations” I told her what Dr Canning had said and my eldest cannot be sectioned because it's a disability he has and none of his needs for his disability have been met by anyone, not even by the family GP. She said “I will read the full file tonight and get back to you about it and meet you for the meeting tomorrow at the dart station”

My friend rang me when I got back. She said she had no intention of sitting in a meeting for two plus hours when all that was and is required is a doctor and a psychiatric assessment done in the home. She said that is all she would be pushing for and then she will leave. I told her "S asked me if she could you as you has been in touch with my family for so long now and I give you both my permission to discuss anything you like as I now only trust you"

My youngest asked eldest for me “do you need anything” he replied “go away”

27^th July

I've had very little sleep. I’ve been awake since 4.45am. My eldest has taken his empty water bottle into the kitchen for me to fill up and he's taken a sleeping tablet. I hope this means his mood is better now because coping with his mood swings is driving me crazy. He's not replied to my marked urgent email so I've resent it to him and said a reply is needed now.

My friend rang me. I told her about Consultant Canning and my eldest once again in shut down and bad mode zone. She said “it's about time he took some responsibility for himself and realises all you're doing for him and that he's one lucky boy you're still so loyal to him after all he's done and I hope he talks to the Consultant when she comes to the house because not many would do what she is doing to help you”

My eldest at last, replied to my email, he wrote “I will only meet the Consultant if I have a sleeping tablet inside me beforehand” I wrote back asking “do you want to have a shower before she gets here” he answered “yes because I do not want another doctor taking the piss out of me about my dandruff and I despise you and do not want to talk to you whether I am sedated or sober”

My son is fucking priceless. I wish I could just physically launch him out the door to go off and torture someone else, the ungrateful bastard.

I rang S the Fingal Advocate and told her that Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning is coming to the house, she said “that's brilliant news and make sure you show the consultant all the abusive emails that your eldest has sent you because this is abuse, plain and simple and nothing to do with Aspergers Syndrome, I believe he knows exactly what he's doing” then she said “you have done enough and had enough and you're entitled to a life of your own, I think your eldest needs his own place to live and he needs to learn to live independently and needs what the Autism expert previously recommended or I think you will end up dead by the stress of it all or by his hands because look how many times he's threatened you with this or you'll end up being sectioned yourself with coping solo, everyone has a breaking point and you have no support network of family or friends” She said “he should think himself very lucky to have had you for all these years because I don't know many who would put up with all you have and still be so forgiving to him, especially since you escaped a bad marriage and he refused to leave with you and his brother but you returned to put up with all this” She asked me “if you were ill would he lift a finger to help you” I said “no” then told her about being launched thru the air in the cottage by his father and my eldest denying he even saw or heard anything. S said “well that's your answer so for god sake so start putting you first and tough if he doesn't like it” She said “I will ring you tomorrow”

I gave my eldest the sleeping tablet he asked for before Consultant Canning came to the house. After an hour he sent me an email:

" I am happy now. Zimovane is a sleeping tablet. However within 30 minute of my consumption of one pill, I am not at all sleepy. In fact, I feel very, very happy and positive. This effect is caused by my weight thus it has less of an effect on me than it would on the people who would usually receive it via prescription. I have come to the conclusion that the medication I need is Zimovane. Once summer is over I will be able to use my exercise bike again. I intend to lose at least 1 stone. I will do this by eating nothing but Cereal (any brand), Fruit (Apples, Orange (which I wish to try) and the occasional Banana) and toasted brown bread. Nothing else. No chips (neither curry or otherwise). No meat (neither chicken, turkey or otherwise). I do not wish to hear any whining rants, repudiations and dismissal of my diet plan in relation to the need for protein. I do not need you suddenly taking an interest in my health, and I would appreciate it if you would just accept what I have set out for myself in this case. I will exercise for approximately 90 minutes every day (this is the average time it takes for me to complete a 50km run). Once I have lost this weight, Zimovane will have a much stronger effect on me, and I will need to speak to a doctor about new medication. Once these parameters are met, and once I am on a regular dose of a non-addictive anti-anxiety/sedative medication to control my nerves, and once my teeth are at least a semblance of what could be called 'fixed': I am willing to go outside. End of discussion. Your move"

He's got some cheek.

Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning came to the house. I walked up to meet her because she didn't know how to get to us. I had to jump into her car. I would not be into cars but I knew I was sitting in luxury by the smell of the leather. Whilst in her car I read her out the email my eldest sent me about despising me and I told her about Dr Shah and how no one had done anything about her extensive report and recommendations. I told her “my eldest is in a very bad mood but he doesn't normally abuse anyone else except me and his brother”

We went into the house and my eldest was totally un co-operative, rude and abusive, he made light and lied about the knife incident, he said “I didn't chase her from my bedroom or down the stairs, I only picked the knife up to frighten her, she always exaggerates everything, she's a drama queen and attention seeker”

He was not asked, so he didn't explain how a carving knife happened to be in his bedroom in the first place or that the large wallpapering scissors were still in his bedroom. I didn't say anything at all in my defence because I knew if I did he would be liable to run back into his bedroom and disengage.

He told Dr Canning “I don't like you or your profession” Dr Canning suggested a low dose Anti-depressant and Lyrica for him, she said she would see me at the meeting tomorrow. And she left. I thanked her profusely. She said “I don't know how you cope at all, I will see you at the meeting”

My eldest went up to his bedroom but not before going into his brothers bedroom and telling him "look at my teeth, look at the fucking state of them, mum should be apologising to me about them" Then he told his brother "I'm to have a full psych assessment which means I will likely be sectioned" I told my youngest “he is is talking crap, don't to listen to him because Dr Canning said no such thing” He sent me another " I despise you" email.

"I sent you an email earlier saying I was happy, and that I'd figured out what I wanted. You have completely ignored it. You always do that. You never fucking listen. Do you wonder why I snap? (or do you prefer the term "Mood Swing"?) Do you wonder why I want to fucking die? I despise you so much. I want to stop breathing. I told you what I fucking wanted and you couldn't care less. Don't ever demand that I listen to you again. Don't ever demand to speak to me again"

I wish he would frig off if that's how he feels. He is sucking the life spirit out of me, I am drained beyond belief.

I heard him come back down the stairs. I thought I'm in for it now but he had completely changed tact. He asked me "What's next" I took that to mean what will be happening now after Dr Cannings visit. I repeated what Dr Canning said which he had heard himself. I reminded him “I have the meeting tomorrow with many agencies present and Dr Canning will tell them all that having Aspergers is not a mental health issue and she will also give me a letter in writing stating that for future reference” I said “whilst you're here I want to show you something” and I lifted my jeans to show him how black and blue, yellow and green the bruising on my leg was still, he erupted “I didn't lay a finger on you” then seconds later in his normal arrogant voice which sounded like a low growl he asked me “And what did you do to deserve that then”  I just looked at him and thought this boy of mine is seriously mentally ill and here I am defending him to the hilt by getting a Consultant to give to me in writing that he's not. That was the second time he's denied attacking me to my face. Something has to be seriously wrong with me. Perhaps I frigging deserve all this after all. It has to be me who's totally nuts. He stormed off up the stairs. I hope he stays there the rest of the night because he sickens me and he scares me.

I sat on the couch. I had so much to get ready for tomorrow's meeting and get all my files copied because I will never part with an original document again. My thinking then took over, all I could think was his dad just fully installed himself in my son's body. I don't care what anyone says, my son is crackers, he's now an adult male abuser who is telling me to my face that I deserved it a full five seconds after saying he didn't lay a finger on me. He was bad enough as a child head butting me at every opportunity then as a teenager spitting in my face and thrusting a plug and adaptor into my face but now he is 6ft 2 to my 5ft 4. I am fucked, I think I am so used to being abused in some shape or form by almost everyone that has been in my life that I will just carry on and accept it. I need to change and I need to change fast, I just don't know how to. He is a manipulative sod, he knows I love him and he uses guilt to always reel me in. I have an adult male in front of me but I always see my baby in my arms, what a mess. I am guilty of nothing except being a mother defending my kids. Who the fuck is defending me, looking after me, I am sinking here. He is clever enough to have paid heed to what the Garda said about ever hearing his name again but he seems to think it's okay to carry on regardless the way he talks to me and what he sends me by email. Fuck it all and fuck him.

Half an hour later he was back down, insisting I hadn't told him everything that Consultant Canning had said. I wanted to scream but I didn't so I repeated what I'd already told him and what he himself had heard her say and then I said “you should have been honest with Consultant Canning because you are always saying you want to die and you want anti anxiety meds to help you” I told him “you have no clue at all about everything I'm doing to get you help and I'm doing it completely solo with no support from anyone, what do you think I am” I told him “I feel very old and tired, I feel drained and miserable, I escaped your father to have some kind of decent and peaceful life free of abuse and control and here I am again back in the same rat trap and so is your brother and it's not bloody fair so you had better buck up your ideas because I am flagging here and you will find yourself alone if you carry on the way you are” He was silent for a moment then asked me “how are you getting on with court, when are you next due to go back to court” He sat with me and just talked, I just listened and answered when I could. I went to bed at 1am and was awake at 5.45am.

28^th July

Multi Agency Conference Meeting at refuge

I met S at Supervalu then I met my friend outside the refuge office. E offered us a side room to wait in. Gheels CEO Peter Byrne and Edel also from Gheel attended. Peter Byrne said “I last saw you two years ago” I reminded him “it was only one year ago” Social workers from the HSE were there.

Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning told all around the table “Dr Shah’s report and recommendations should be read and implemented, It's now two years old but is an excellent report” she read out all the recommendations to them.

The HSE and Gheel staff said “we have not seen it” and I nearly exploded, the lying bastards. I gently kicked S under the table, she kicked me right back and squeezed my arm. What they had just said was a complete lie.

Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning said “mum needs help and support and is constantly walking on eggshells, I found her son very difficult and I was only at the house for 30 minutes and mum has to live with this at all times” She asked “why are PCT and Disability not already on-board supporting this family”

Carol Doolan, the Disability Manager then rang my mobile and asked if she could speak to M from the refuge. She told M she wasn't coming. The family GP “did not respond to the letter of invite to the meeting” Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning said “I will write to the GP and advise that eldests anxiety needs to be dealt with immediately” Gheel Autism Services CEO Peter Byrne said “as we are the only agency at the table we will deal with Carol Doolan for funding” (which was apparently done in April 2009 so why was nothing done back then)

The gist of the meeting was:

• A new Psychiatric assessment is not needed because Aspergers is not a mental health issue
• Consultant Canning will write to family GP to explain this and will recommend appropriate medication as she had “discussed with” my eldest
• Eldest cannot be sectioned because it's not a mental health issue.
• HSE will provide family support and supports to eldest that will be discussed and agreed upon by eldest
• Mum is walking on eggshells and needs supporting
• Next meeting is1st September.

S and my friend said “this is great for you all and all are now on board to help and they have to commit to helping” ( sarcasm from me: they need committing all right cause they all did jack shit re any help)  

Once home I spent hours telling my eldest everything from scratch. He was happy. I know it won't last long but I'm very grateful for small mercies.

30^th July

I spent the day on the phone trying to get my eldest his medication. I got the run around for five whole hours. I was firstly told they would be delivered to the house so waited in the house for hours for them. It was a crazy day full of bullshit I truly didn't need, want or deserve. I ended up going up to the GP and the receptionist must have felt sorry for me after 5 hours of going nuts on the phone to her and she let me go into the doctor as soon as I arrived at the surgery.

I asked the Dr “have you got Consultant Canning's letter yet re anti anxiety medication for my eldest” he told me “no” Luckily I was prepared for that and had written down all the meds that Consultant Canning said could help my son, The GP said “I cannot prescribe” any of the meds I read out to him. He said “because the powers that be are getting tough re these medications” I asked him “are you taking the piss out of me, I'm not leaving here empty handed after getting the run around the past by now seven hours or I will have a hairy fit in front of your eyes if you don't help my son” He gave me a prescription for three month supply of Lyrica.

And because of all this un warrented nonsense it was now 5pm and there was no way I could go to my massage course because I needed to see what effect, if any, these new tablets would have on my eldest so I had to ring my tutor who told me there was no course on now for the next two weeks. I desperately need some head space to study for my exams. I am so fed up with all of this.

Once home after getting the prescription and speaking to my eldest about the meds and giving him two pills, I waited to see what would happen, I was so scared in case he had a bad reaction to them. He came into the kitchen and stayed talking to me for 45 minutes. His new topic is “can we move back to the family home” I reminded him why we left and why we cannot return. There's no way in hell I will move to such an isolated place with him.

I kept checking on him thru out the night and he was asleep and he looked peaceful.

31^st July

I went to check on my eldest, he looked wrecked but fine, he was talking like his old self. I asked him “do you feel any different after taking the tablets” he said “no” then told me “they will take weeks to take effect” I told him “I disagree because I see a huge difference already in you and it feels like I have my son back” he smiled. He told me “I had a dream about being in a market, do you know that in Greek agora means market and I have agoraphobia” we talked for over an hour and he didn't snap at me once.

My friend rang me and I told her the same thing, “it feels like I have my son back”

3^rd August

I've caught a head cold and feel so ill with a chest infection but I still have to go out and get shopping. My youngest came to Tesco with me. I had to keep stopping because I thought I was going to faint or be sick in the street. My youngest said “you look grey and really ill”

I bought a naggon of Brandy to boil up and have before bed, I read it cures a wooden leg.

Once back in the house my youngest put the shopping away for me. I told him “I want peace and no drama from either you or eldest because I'm way behind with my case studies and I need to get them done tonight”

My youngest went into the shower and I got on with my studies.  I'd just completed one case study when I decided to have a break and asked my youngest to help me work the video player that my friend K had lent to me, he also found me three more family video's and he sat on the same chair as me to watch one. He saw himself as a tiny baby and we had a laugh watching them when out of left field he started berating me and my parenting skills, I couldn't believe it, I asked him “why the hell did you even have to open your mouth after I told you I wanted peace and no drama and was having such a nice time with you watching home movies and us sitting on the same chair” He jumped up and ran off up the stairs. I stayed where I was and put the video on fast forward to finish watching in silence.

I went back into the kitchen to get on with my next case study but checked my emails first and had one from my friend K asking me how to save an Abba song from youtube so I did it for her then I started playing old songs I liked on you tube. I would normally have stuck my ear phones in but I thought sod it, the neighbours didn't give a monkeys when they had a party till 4 and 5 in the morning so I got on with my case studies and was singing along to the music in the kitchen with the door shut. The volume wasn't that loud because I don't have speakers attached to the laptop.

.

I heard thundering above me and my eldest came bursting into the kitchen shouting "shut the fuck up, do you know what the fucking time is, shut your fucking noise or I will do it for you" I said “it's 11pm and I'm doing no one any harm, it makes a change any noise coming out of me and how can you even hear me when you always wear head phones to drown out external noise and you have some cheek because you have kept me up and awake many a night so bugger off and leave me alone and in peace”

He called me “a drunk” I started laughing, I'd had two hot brandy's that I heated up in the microwave. I said to him “I wish I was because I have plenty of reasons to, then maybe I would be able to obliterate all going on, and if you think someone having a naggin is a drunk then the streets and the pubs and all the neighbours must be full of drunks” again I told him “go away and leave me alone” He asked me "do you want you fucking face punched in" I said “go ahead and see what happens once you've done it” He took a lunge towards me but didn't touch me but I instinctively jumped back away from him. He then roared for his brother to “shut her the fuck up" then he unplugged my laptop and took it away. I was furious, who did he think he was, his father.

For someone who rarely leaves the house chaos sure visits me a lot. I thought fuck this for a game of soldiers, my own child who I taught to use a computer at age 4 has seen fit to unplug and remove my property just like his dad would do in the past and he was the only one in the house making any noise and threatening me with violence, in fact he asked me if I wanted my “fucking face punched in” Well it stopped here and it stopped now and something in my head went SNAP.

I was still aware of everything but all I was thinking was he is such a spiteful, horrible, vindictive, abusive, violent and aggressive bollix and I'm not playing this role any more. I'm not putting up with any more of this shit. I want out and away as far as possible from all of this crap.

I thought of one of my neighbours. I heard her and her kids and a couple of other neighbours she'd become friends with in her back garden the other night from 8pm till 1am, I heard them laugh, I heard her asking them what drink they wanted, they were enjoying music and having fun, I asked myself why is my family not normal like that. I know her kids relish seeing her happy, they take part in it because it makes them happy to see their mum happy after she came out of an abusive marriage, they look after her and those kids are younger than my own two sons but they love to see their mum happy, all they do is laugh. She goes out every weekend, she has relationships, she told me that herself. Why do my kids think how we live is normal. If I say I want to go out, I am asked “why" If I say I would like some fun in my life I get looked at as if I am too old to want such a thing, My youngest even told me once “act your age” I don't know how people my age act because I'm never with people. I don't want to act, I just want to be free to be me with no one judging me, ordering me about, ruling over me, controlling me. If I say I need a break I get told by my eldest “go to bed for a few days” I decided there and then “I quit, fuck them, I've had enough now. Had no life, got no life. Have no privacy, have no laptop now, have no company or support network for myself. Have these two sons of mine constantly on my case, by my side, in my face, dictating to me how I should live, they treat me like shit on their shoe, they have me run around for them like a blue arsed flea even when I'm ill with no thanks. I am nothing but a skivvy to them so fuck them”

I got dressed and put my dressing gown on top of my clothes, I lifted my hand bag and I left the house. I walked around the green outside our estate and walked up and down the pavement but I still got no peace because my youngest came out and began walking by my side. I don't know how many times I told him “go home and to leave me alone” He wouldn't shut up "why are you acting this way" what is up with you" "what has brought this on, yes he was wrong to threaten you but you should know what he's like and after all, you woke him up and you should have stopped playing music and singing when he told you to" I didn't say one word in response to my youngest son but was thinking about what he had said to me, that “I should know what he's like” and “I should have stopped when my eldest told me to” my baby, my youngest son had just uttered those words, this could not be real, I'm the parent, I'm the adult, I'm the idiot carrying them on my back and giving up any life to call my own for all this crap. I still said nothing. My youngest repeated again all he just said and I stopped walking and looked at him and said "what is wrong with me, this is" and I head butted a tree. I had truly lost my mind. I get no peace in the house and now have no peace outside of the house and silly me I should be a good girl and stop doing what I want to do so I don't get threatened with violence by my eldest son. I really have no escape from this shit that is called my life. I did feel for a moment that I was no longer the old me. I was again the me I used to be, the me I want to be but had to always keep away out of fear of upsetting my own kids, upsetting the apple cart. I was once again the me that was refusing to bite my tongue just in case I upset my eldest. The me that will not jump to attention no matter what time of the day or night it is just to appease him. The me that can do what I damn well want when I damn well please with no recriminations because it is MY life, MY fucking life.

I thought about the years I've had of no sleep thanks to my eldest and there he was complaining I woke him up. I don't believe for one minute that he was sleeping. I thought about the years I've spent fighting agencies on his behalf, the years of trying to get those same agencies to understand him and not lock him away, the years I've spent walking on eggshells to keep him calm and happy, the years I could have retaliated verbally because no one should have had to put up with what I've put up with from his mouth and from my youngests mouth either. How dare my eldest touch my belongings never mind remove from me. The years of verbal crap and threats from my eldest with rarely a kind word for his own mother. The years of party and wedding invitations that I've had to refuse, the education I've had to withdraw from, the friends and the company and the relationships I could have had but didn't and all to meet his needs to the detriment of my own, of my health and of my sanity, my hair falling out, the migraines I've had, the stress related arthritis that had me in torturous pain and on crutches for a year, the stress related asthma attack that I couldn't even let myself be admitted to hospital with because my kids would have been taken from the house and into emergency foster care. And all this for what, to be continually controlled, abused, threatened, assaulted, ignored, unless my eldest wants something, the many house moves that's left us rootless and me friendless, trying to find him professional help which he then refused and so kept me in this dungeon of a life. No time off for me for good behaviour. Just like in my marriage.

With my youngest I should have been harder, not softer, I should have laid down my law and stuck to it and not been fearful of my baby not liking me. He doesn't talk to me like he likes me anyway so what has been the frigging point of it all. He too has been constantly up my arse since he refused to go to school after the awful bullying in another county. I should have just got him into the first school when we moved here and told him to get on with it, learn how to deal with it instead of me always pandering to his wants and needs and demands which gave him carte blanche to dictate to me what he will and will not do. He has a big enough mouth on him when it comes to telling me all that I'm no good for, all his put downs that drag me down, his slating of me and my opinions, views and beliefs when he's not even lived in the real world yet. I can do Jack shit without him having a say about it. It's his own fault he has no friends, his own fault he's not gone to school, he could have changed his own life the past 18 months that we've lived here, he doesn't even talk to the neighbours or the refuge staff and I've not helped by allowing him to remain wrapped up in a cocoon. Even when I ask him to come to the shop with me to help me carry heavy shopping that I have trouble carrying he always finds a way to fill our atmosphere with doom and bloody gloom and the only time I can be myself and feel happy is outside of the house and away from my eldest but it is guaranteed that my youngest will make some smart comment to bring me down because he finds it so easy to do, it must somehow make him feel better. The dynamics are all so wrong.

My youngest interrupted my thoughts because I heard him ask me to go back home, I didn't want to but I did anyway because he was now crying and I didn't want him upset.

My eldest was sitting on the stairs inside the house awaiting us. As soon as I opened the door my eldest started on me again saying "you're an attention seeking drunk" I said “I wish I was” (again) and “if I want to drink a canal full of booze then it's up to me and not your business so why don't you go and get the small bottle and count how many drinks exactly are in it” and “you can think what you bloody well like if it makes you happy” My youngest said to his brother “your not helping matters, all the pressure of everything has now got to mum, some people can take a lot of pressure, mum's had it for too many years and has reached her limit" my eldest replied "she's a fucking drama queen, attention seeking whore and a fucking drunk" I weirdly started laughing and walked away.

I thought to myself, let them yap, I no longer care. I did not even like either of them at that moment in time. I took out my I pod and asked my youngest “do you want to see my real babies and not you bullies and abusers that I've been left with” I was talking about the movies I made of them that I'd put to music for their birthdays. They both stopped and looked at me as if I was mad, I laughed again. I thought let them think I'm mad because I am indeed mad for putting up with them. The pair of bastards to have used and abused me all these years.

I told them both “I feel like I'm right back in the cottage only this time I can't get away” Then I needed oxygen because I felt they were oppressing the very air I was trying to breathe by just standing whispering and looking at me as if I was mad.

I opened the kitchen door, the broken knotted washing line was jammed in the hinge of the door, I undid one of the knots and said “how easy it would be to put it round my neck and do the job faster than the slow death you are causing me” I asked them “do you know that stress kills, you should do because it's always on the news and the TV” I told my youngest “I always did say I would be found swinging one day” I said “all I wanted was a peaceful and drama free night, I bloody told you this but it appears I'm never going to get any with you two am I” I shouted this last bit and they both took notice. My youngest cried again, he asked me again "why are you like this" "what is wrong with you" my eldest again said "she's an attention seeking whore, stop giving her what she obviously fucking wants" I knew that boy hated my guts and I didn't care any more. I put on the kettle and made myself cup after cup of tea. I told them both “get out of my sight, I don't want you near me any longer” but they refused to leave. I said “okay then, I will be talking and if you are staying you will be listening because I have a lot to say” I asked my eldest “do you even know what a whore is” I told him what the dictionary definition is and said “I haven't had sex with anyone since I left your father, not that it's any of your business but from now on you will never call me names again and especially not a whore” my eldest blushed bright red. He sat on the chair opposite me with his left leg raised with his ankle resting on his right leg, his hands were clasped in front of his chest and he started questioning me about psychiatric matters. I laughed because I knew he'd read the DSM inside and out and he was likely trying to diagnose me with something he'd read. I asked him “have you heard of dontgiveashitetis”  He said “I'm sorry for threatening to punch you, I shouldn't have said that” I ignored him, it didn't warrant any answer. He asked me to “look at youngest sitting on the couch, you are breaking his heart" He then said to his brother "we need to get her sectioned" I laughed again and told him “you would sell your mother down the river in a heart beat” He asked me repeatedly “what do you want” I said “I want you out of my face and I want peace and quiet. My eldest told his brother he wanted him to go upstairs with him. They kept ringing my friend K's number but I knew she switched her phones off at night. He kept telling his brother “call the Garda” My youngest said “no” I told him “go ahead and call the Garda but make sure you have all your belongings packed because the only person leaving this house will be you” I went to the toilet then went to my bedroom but I was followed by them both. my eldest sat on the bedroom floor, My youngest sat on my bedroom chair, they kept whispering. I told them to get out and get lost but they wouldn't move. At 6am they left my room.

I got up at 8am and put the kettle on, I switched on my phone and there was a text message from my friend K asking if all was okay with me because she had 28 missed calls from my land line. I sent her a text telling her I exploded last night and explained to her all that had happened and told her “I'm now done with my sons and I'm sorry they have been calling you” She replied “I've got to be somewhere but will call round in the afternoon to see you” I told her not to because it's her wedding anniversary. There was still no sign of my laptop anywhere.

I was drinking my tea when my eldest came down and asked me “ are you alright” I said “no I'm not and I've not been for a very long time and I'm done being your and your brothers whipping post and dart board, I'm wiped out, I'm exhausted and I'm sick of you both” He asked me “have you slept” I said “for two hours” he told me “take a sleeping tablet” I ignored him and went into the shower. When I got out and was drying my hair my eldest told me “I've rang K, she'll be coming round to the house in 20 minutes” For someone who doesn't even open the door for a parcel delivery because "I do not like strangers or talking to them" he made himself very busy by ringing K. I told him “you had no right, I've already spoken to K this morning and she has an appointment to go to and today is her 1st wedding anniversary” He said “she's coming here instead”

K arrived at my door, my eldest let her in. I was mortified at him involving my new friend in all this. I had no clue what my eldest had said to her whilst I was in the shower to make her come round after I had already texted her. She told me “I know you have been under enormous pressure and been really ill with first a head cold and now a chest infection and something had to give, do you want to go up to Beaumont to get checked out and then you can go to St Ita's (the mental hospital) for a few days rest, you will be zonked out on medication and feel so much better after a complete rest”

I was absolutely shocked at what she said to me. A few days rest in a mental hospital. I thought, I'm the only sane fucking person in this house. I actually laughed at her, I asked her “can I feel your head to check if your temperature's okay because you cannot be serious” I told her “I was working on my case studies, I told the boys that I wanted peace and no drama and I had Brandy to heat up but then found the Abba track for you so I took a break and listened to some old music I like and I was singing Red by Daniel Merriweather and was asked by my eldest if I wanted my fucking face punched in, I was an called an attention seeking whore amongst other things so fucking excuse me for not abiding to my son's rules and forgetting my place in this house that I alone pay the rent for” K asked me “have you slept, would you like to go to bed and get a rest, I will make you something to eat then I'll have a chat with the boys” I went up to my bed just to get peace away from them all.

Edited 2018: "Red" by Daniel Merriweather. It's the first time I have listened to this track in 8 years since that terrible night and the lyrics seem so, so apt. 

"And I’m alright

Standing in the streetlights here. Is this meant for me. My time on the outside is over. We don’t know how you’re spending all of your days knowing that love isn’t here. You see the pictures but you don’t know their names' Cause love isn’t here

[Chorus]And I can’t do this by myself. All of these problems, they’re all in your head and I can’t be somebody else. You took something perfect and painted it red

No sympathym, when shouting out is all you know. Behind your liesI can see the secrets you don’t show. We don’t know how you’re spending all of your days, knowing that love isn’t here. You see the pictures but you don’t know their names oh' Cause love isn’t here

[Chorus]And I can’t do this by myself, all of these problems, they’re all in your head and I can’t be somebody else, you took something perfect and painted it red, you took something perfect and painted it red

You take the best things from me then everything gets empty, that’s not a world that I need Oh, you take the best things from me, then everything gets empty, that’s not a world that I need. 

[Chorus]And I can’t do this by myself, all of these problems, they’re all in your head, and I can’t be somebody else, you took something perfect and painted it red"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1NCmDYeymo

K came up to me with a cup of tea. She said “I had a good chat with your eldest, he is very chatty and witty” I said “aren't you lucky to see that side of him” then asked her “did he threaten you in any way” she said “no” I said “so that's just saved for me then” She said “they have come up with a plan to give you a rest at home and the peace you want” 

 My son had hand written the following:

“We will handle all household duties, cooking, cleaning etc. Mum will spend her time in bed. She will take 3 Zimovane tablets per day, morning, noon and night. If we need anything else we will contact K. This will be hospital at home. No police/doctors etc will be called. This is a temporary plan until you're feeling better”

It was signed by both my sons but written in my eldests hand writing and I was fuming. I do not medicate unless absolutely necessary because I'm into alternative therapies. There was no way I was taking sleeping tablets three times a day to keep me docile for my son's benefit but I told K I would take the Xanax the doctor prescribed me for my palpitations because they're an anti anxiety. K said “I think you're just mentally exhausted and I'm not one bit surprised about it” I told her “I'm shocked at my eldest ringing you, talking to you, opening the door to you, taking charge, him agreeing to anything never mind household stuff and I'm now so angry with him on top of my anger at how he treats me” I asked her “has he been taking the piss out of me all these years, running me ragged, making me jump thru hoops, doing his bidding, making my life a living hell and all this time he's been more than capable. He's used me as his personal skivvy and shield all these years and I'm not taking it any more” K said “get a good sleep and I'll call you later” I went to sleep.

I got woken up by my eldest barking at me "take the tablet you agreed to take" and before I was in control of my senses a sleeping tablet was dropped into my mouth and a glass of water put against my lips. My son is dangerous and there's nothing I can do until the refuge staff are back in the office. I slept on and off the whole day. I didn't have one cup of tea made for me. When I crept down the stairs I saw my youngest, he told me “I've hung out the washing and done the dishes” He said “K rang and I spoke to her” I asked him “where's my phone” he said “brother still has it” I couldn't even ask my youngest to get it for me because my eldest would then know I was awake and I didn't want him anywhere near me. My youngest moved the couch and handed me my laptop, he said “I got it out of his room when he was in the shower but he doesn't know yet” I went back to bed. I felt stupefied with the sleeping tablet eldest had previously dropped into my mouth.

My eldest came into my bedroom later and tried to wake me up to take another sleeping tablet but I stayed very still and pretended I was fast asleep, he let out a huge sigh and eventually left my bedroom.

8^th August

I have just got to get thru this day, Sunday, in one piece then I can tell the refuge staff everything and get help.

I woke up at 5am and noticed a sleeping tablet and a glass of water next to my bed. I dropped it down the sink in the bathroom and crept down the stairs. I let the cats out, I cleaned their litter tray, I emptied the washing machine, I refilled the washing machine, I cleaned the living room and then went back to my bed with a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea. My eldest came running into my bedroom and shouted at me "you agreed to stay in bed for a few days rest" I asked him "where the hell am I now, in bed" He wasn't happy, he slammed my door shut and slammed his bedroom door shut too. I told him “I want my phone back” and my youngest brought it in to me. I sent K a text message telling her “I'm fine but my eldest appears to be at the daddy mind games with me but it's not going to work”

My muscles and bones felt sore with the lack of activity because I'm always on the go so I got up and started cleaning the house from bottom to top. I was just sorting the bins for the morning when my eldest came into the kitchen, he didn't say a word, he just stood looking at me. I asked him to hold open a black sack for me, he said "why are you up" I said “because I have to eat and I have the bins to do for the morning” the black sack he was holding open for me he just dropped and left the kitchen without saying another word to me.

My youngest came to find out what had just happened because "eldest is in a bad mood" I asked him "so what’s new" I told my youngest “I'm walking to the garage” so he said he would come with me and he did come with me but not one word in conversation did he utter. I was past caring. I was all out of words anyway. I bought him diet coke, he didn't say thank you until we got home. I made them dinner but my eldest refused to eat it. I thanked god I wasn't living in a rural house because my life would not be worth living with him at all. Yes I should have just rang the Garda and let him face the consequences but how do you describe when you feel like you're split in two. The logical part of me told me to call the Garda and just put him out and out of my mind, but the emotional part of me, the mammy part, wants him safe and no harm to come to him. The Mammy part always wins.

There was no sign of my eldest for the rest of the night, he was probably furious that he was not installed as boss man full time as he expected and tried to be. My youngest was the one who did the dishes and other household stuff for one day, my eldest did nothing. He is one dangerous man in my eyes now.

9^th August

I'm so glad it's Monday. I looked out for the refuge workers car car driving into the refuge office and I sent her a text, she replied she could see me at 12 noon so I kept busy till then, I even went for a walk. My eldest asked me “where are you going” I told him “it's none of your business” so he stomped off. My youngest asked me “do you want me to come with you” I said “no” he asked me “why not” I ignored him and left the house. My youngest came out of the door to follow me and I shouted at him “stay away from me or I will embarrass you in the street” He went back into the house.

At 12 noon I went over to the refuge office to see M. I'd written down everything that was said and done and me apparently being a drunk for having two hot brandy's (with two measures still left in the quart bottle) and singing whilst getting up to date with my case studies for my course.

M said “I am so shocked, especially with your eldest and your friend, K's involvement at getting you to take medication not prescribed for you” She said “it's very scary and very dangerous and totally out of order” She said “you can do what you like, when you like, with whom you like because it's your home and even if you want to get completely plastered with drink and dance naked within your own four walls then do it, it would be your business and no one else’s, you can play music as loud as you like, there are policies in place if it upsets the neighbours and they know how to complain” I told her “my music wasn't loud at all because I have no speakers” she said “I was just making an example” She said “you can do anything you damn well please under your own roof, it's not your children's business what you do, when you do it or how often you do it, you're the adult, they have no right to touch your property, ever, never mind remove it from you, they have no right to ever tell you what to do, you are the parent and it's about time they both realised it, you need to get yourself a life away from them, you have done your job, they are now raised, they are old enough to stand on their own two feet” I asked M “do you think I am at all mad” She said "Oh my god, you are absolutely not and do not dare let anyone convince you otherwise, you have been living under enormous stress for far too many years with no end in sight, I'm surprised you have not had a nervous breakdown with it all, firstly with the marriage, then you leaving him and all that has gone on with him since, you have lived in poverty, you are dealing with being homeless, with non stop shenanigans with him and court cases, with no maintenance, all the times you have had to move houses, your eldests diagnosis, your youngest having no school and refusing to go anywhere, to see anyone, to speak to anyone, he is by your side 24/7, you have been battered by your eldest, been threatened with a carving knife and all that meant with the Garda here for four hours, all we at this office see is you flying out the door first thing every morning running to Tesco and carrying home heavy bags of shopping, everything you do is for your children" M said “hold on, I am so shocked, I want to re read what you've written again and I need to get us both a cup of tea. She carried on telling me "when are you going to start living and put yourself first. For god sake if you want a drink, have a drink, if you want to have a house party, have a house party, have a dinner party, go out, invite people back, make friends, bring them home, go to the pub, get out and socialise but for god sake start living, you don't need anyone's permission to do anything at all, you're an adult. I'm truly shocked at the control your children have over you, you need to put boundaries down and stick to them without fear, we will back you 100%, that's what we are is here for, you are being abused by your own children, we are here for women escaping domestic violence and abuse and you have brought it here with you. It has to stop, it's your name on the lease of the house, you need to be and should be the boss in your own home and in your own life"

Then she said “It seems like he chooses when he wants to talk to people, when he opens the door to people so it proves he can control what he does and who he talks to, let him go and get the shopping in, all we see is you flying out the door and struggling home with bags from Tesco, if he told K he will buy the shopping online then let him, he won't starve" Then "you are entitled to nights out, weekends away from them, a break from them, entitled to start living, none of us know how many years left we have, do you still want to be living like this in four years time?" I said “no I don't, I've had enough and I feel like the piss has been taken out of me for many years with not a kind word or deed” I said “I will make sure the next time I have a drink I will strip naked and do the Highland Fling in front of the refuge camera's” she laughed and told me “keep in touch by text or phone and make sure you start letting your hair down and get yourself a social life, put the boundaries down and reconsider who your friends are because friends do not do crazy stuff like that to their friends” She said “no one in their right mind having met your son only once and spoken to your son only once would ever in a million years encourage you to be medicated and go to a mental hospital for a break, for a rest, you would have been chased out of the place” she said “you are the sanest and most assertive person I have ever met except when dealing with your own children. You need to find and use the strength you found to get away from your husband to take back the control under your own roof” she said “I will keep what you've written and put it in your file but I will have to keep reading it because the contents have shocked me” She said “your eldest is very abusive and very threatening and no mother should have her child speak to them the way he does, I believe he knows exactly what he's doing and if he wants to phone the Garda or anyone else, let him, he will soon get a massive telling off for wasting everyone's time” She said “we will make sure that you're okay because we're the professionals helping women recover from Domestic Violence and I can assure you that you are totally sane, you just have seriously sky high stress levels and if you want your eldest evicted just let us know and he will be put out straight away” I thanked her because she always makes me feel I'm not going mad as I'm being led to believe I am in my house.

11^th August

I'm feeling very ill, I have a pounding headache, a sore throat and pains in my chest, I'm feeling sick and faint. My eldest, luckily has not spoken to me for days, I can live with that because I am enjoying the peace and the quiet from him. My youngest told me that I look awful. He then told me that eldest needs a parcel collecting from the sorting office. I told him I'm walking nowhere feeling like I do but I will collect it if he pays for a taxi. My youngest came back to me with €20 so off I went to the sorting office. I really do feel washed out and ill. When I got back to the house there was no thanks for me getting that parcel. I told my youngest that he and his brother can fend for themselves because I'm going to bed.

I did a lot of thinking in bed. I know I'm not perfect by anyone's standards but I know hand on heart that I have always done my best for my kids. I have fought like a lion to get help for us, I may not have achieved it so far but at least I have tried. I could have turned out like my own mother and just walked away but I did not. I find it very hurtful and heart breaking that when both my sons have the hump for Christ knows what reason because they do not tell me, they just verbally attack me by calling me names, taking me apart and killing what little self esteem I do have. I do not deserve to be called “a whore” when I do not have sex with anyone. I do not deserve to be called “a fat cunt” because I'm one and a half stone overweight.   It is tragic that these brothers have no relationship with one another at all except when they gang up on me, for instance when my eldest removed my internet cable and screamed at youngest to “cut it so the fucking bitch can never go online again” not stupid is he, just like his father, get someone else to do his dirty work so he can then claim he was not the one to do it. And all this when I was seriously ill after having a massive asthma attack and couldn't allow myself be admitted to hospital due to worry about them being removed from the house into emergency foster care and that was how they thanked me, how they cared about me. They do not care about me at all. I'm called a fucking drunk if I want a naggin if I can afford the €5 it costs on a Friday night. Yes I can go without it but it's my choice and my distinction from the week to the weekend. I always hear on the radio on Fridays, people being asked to ring the show with their plans for their weekend, I wish I was one of those normal people. I stand at my window in this house at 7pm and watch my neighbours all go out, dressed up, nice clothes on, full make up on, going out for the night or the weekend and I wish it was me. I would love to go out and be mixing with people, I am actually very nice and very funny and never out of conversation at all, I talk to everyone, it's my nature and I get on with most people. I know many mothers that always put themselves first before their children yet their children love and adore and respect them. I know plenty of mothers who introduce new men to their kids after only meeting these men on a night out and those mothers are still loved, adored and respected, not that I could do that but so what if I did. I know I'm not loved, I know I'm not adored and I know I'm certainly not respected by my children and that will never change. I am nothing to them.

I no longer talk to my eldest except when he asks me something directly, there is no point in me talking to him because my very presence antagonises him, I remember writing that very thing same about his father. My eldest no longer feels like my son at all, it feels like he morphed into his father on Saturday when he took away my laptop, threatened to punch me, threatened to have me sectioned, threatened to call the Garda, his own fear of turning out like his father is very real, the abuse, the threats, the violence, the controlling, the taking away my property, no show of love or affection. If he hates me so much why does he not just leave. If I am as bad as he keeps telling me I am why does he not just get out and leave this bad person. Why do my children not have more of me in them, why do they not have a bit of energy, drive, get up and go, some fight in them to want better for themselves and for me. They have left me with nothing, no energy, no life, no strength, no longer any love of life at all. The gregarious, funny, intelligent, chatty "smiler" is now a shadow of who I used to be. I now have no hope, no zest, no future. It's not fate that made me this way, it's three men called ****

My eldest came down and got himself cereal, there wasn't a word out of him. I'm glad he's no longer locked away in his bedroom but I don't like him around me at all. I am always now in fear of him.

I had another meeting with M at the refuge office. She said “you cannot live like this” I told her “I have to and have had to for years but I know that if I keep my mouth shut unless spoken to then I will not fall foul of his vitriol or contempt of me, just like I had to do with his dad” M said “well it's not working then is it because no matter how you try and deal with your son the outcome will always be the same, abuse” I do agree with her that it's no way to live but what choice do I have, no professional has taken Dr Shah's report and recommendations and done anything about it at all. M said “you always have a choice, it's your life” I know it is but I can't just abandon him.

My eldest is almost talking to me again, I'm getting grunts from him. He demanded a Zimovane tablet from me, I didn't find them quick enough for his liking so he told me "stop fucking hiding them then" I said “one more word of abuse out of you and you can go without them and get yourself up to the doctor for a prescription” He stayed quiet then.

12^th August

The Solicitor rang me and advised I just go for a divorce in Default of Defence, meaning I just get a divorce and the ex doesn't have to be there and that makes no bloody sense to me at all. I only want the truth re the finances out in the open once and for all, I realise I will have no other way of life except the one I have and I need a financial settlement as is my right for me and my kids. I sent her an email.

13^th August

I got a key for the cottage in the post from the solicitor sent to her by the ex. I searched the tracking number and found out where it was posted from. I had another conversation with her about going for a divorce in default of defence which I'm not happy about. I sent her an email then I travelled to the cottage with my youngest.

Email to the solicitor:

“Hi Solicitor, Having a court date re judgement in default of defence is of no good to me and my children. It only leaves me free to re marry which is never going to happen as I have no outside of home life. Two prior family homes have been sold and he banked the proceeds, the present family home cannot be sold as per the way leave issues, I cannot re start my life at age 50 with absolutely nothing, €730,000 has not been accounted for and I am legally entitled to a share of this money if there is any left. All I ever wanted was my day in court and a full discovery and him forced to disclose all assets, that he be made to pay the maintenance and give me my rights of a financial settlement so I can house myself and children. Attending court for judgement in default of defence gains me nothing after a 20 year marriage. I am not accepting this, the family home is a white elephant, it cannot be lived in and cannot be sold. I simply want my day in court and I don't think this is a lot to ask for after trying for the past almost 5 years. The material benefit is getting him into court to answer all and any questions from the judge, declaring where my share of finances went to and proving same, having an order of maintenance that he cannot abuse any more and provide for me and my children. If this can be done by changing tact from divorce to a legal separation? then that is what needs to be done ASAP. As I said before too much time has gone by already and I am now desperate to get into court”

16^th August

My eldest told me he wanted a sleeping tablet. I told him “no way am I giving one to you in the morning” he said “it's for anxiety, not sleep”

The refuge rang me, Peter Byrne, the CEO at Gheel Autism Services had rang them and asked them if I had spoken to my eldest regarding them sending in a support worker to engage with him as Peter Byrne had told them he's been waiting to hear from me about this. I said “why the hell is Peter Byrne not ringing me, he's had my number since 2009 and my eldest does not live in the refuge office, he lives with me and I've already said that he doesn't want to see anyone, that he will not engage with anyone and is still daily very abusive to me so where is my support and why has nothing being done about Dr Shah’s report and immediate recommendations” The refuge staff told me “I don't know but I've been asked to give you a Gheel workers telephone number and you have to link in with her”

I did “link in” with Edel, she's a nice girl but is only a venting board for me, where's the services for my son? Where is PCT and where is Disability and the so called “support for mum who is walking on eggshells” I knew it was all bullshit, the bastards.

I told my eldest again about this support worker for him, he told me “I am sick of saying I will not see anyone any more” He was more concerned about his weight and lambasting me about what I cook for him, he told me “you watched me get to this weight so you can help me lose it” That made me mad as hell so I told him “I don't shovel food into your mouth, I do not pay for a giant pizza and stuff your face with it, cook your own bloody food and stop bossing me around” Normally he would have stormed off then returned to berate me some more once he'd thought of more insults but he didn't this time, he stayed in the kitchen with me. I started feeling sorry for him, I asked him if he wanted to get his urine checked because Diabetes runs in the family on his fathers side, he said “I'm not scared of needles any more so I will have a blood test” I asked him “how do I get you to the doctor for the test” he said “I don't know” and I burst into tears in pure frustration and he said “what is wrong with you” I said “every bloody thing, trying to get you sorted out, living in poverty, being homeless with no idea where I have to move us to next, no maintenance, no divorce, no address for the ex to get him into court, no family, no friends, no social life, no work life, no normal life at all and I'm sick of it” I asked him “are you now clear about what is wrong with me”

He ran up the stairs roaring at my youngest "get out of the bed now and call the Garda cos mum is cracking up again" he returned to me and said "mum, you need a couple of days in a psych ward" I laughed out loud telling him “it's a holiday I need because I am tired of all this” he said “ If you're tired then a couple of days in a psych hospital will take your mind off everything" My youngest was now down the stairs and told his brother “you might think you're being helpful but you're not and anyway all mum's problems will still be there when she comes out" I said “hello I'm still here so quit talking like I'm not in the room” my eldest said "get to bed if you are tired" I told him “get lost” he was roaring at my youngest “call the Garda” I picked up the land line up and tried to hand my eldest the phone and said “if you want the Garda here, be my guest and phone them yourself and we shall all sit back and see what they have to say” He refused to take the phone from me, he attempted to say something then stopped and stormed up to his bedroom, making sure we heard every step he took going up to his room.

I told my youngest “one more threat out of your brothers mouth and he is out the door, out of my house and out of my life and he will have no one else to blame but himself”

I got stuck into my late case studies for my massage course.

At 4.30pm I was in the kitchen making dinner. My eldest told his brother he didn't want any dinner. I was standing at the sink doing the washing up when my eldest came behind me demanding "I want a zimovane NOW" I asked him “what happened to please” he said "I'm not fucking saying please to you"

He is a nightmare. I'm getting worried about him taking sleeping tablets in the day time. I sent my friend an email, she rang me and told me to try talking to the GP. No answer from the GP. I checked the sleeping tablets online and saw that some people are on 4 a day. My eldest is taking 2 a day, for anxiety he said but I think it's to repress his constant anger and they're not working.

I stayed in the living room with the sound down on the TV listening out for any sound from him in case he came down and started on me. I am so bloody scared of him and he knows I won't involve the Garda, he knows I will always protect him, he knows he has complete control over me, he knows I am terrified of him. I cannot and will not live like this any more, the stress is going to kill me.

I emailed my friend and filled her in on the latest happenings.

My friend rang me and asked “how much longer can you go on like this” I said “not for much longer because I'm drowning here as every waking minute and hour I am expecting him to snap, to lose it, to batter me again, to threaten me” I said “I might just disappear for a few days and go to the cottage because I know it's empty but there's no electricity in the place and I would be scared stiff on my own in the pitch black there” I said “I'm going to give my eldest an ultimatum and put him straight before the next explosion arises” My friend asked me “talk to Edel first because you're now supposed to be linked in with Gheel”

It's 11.17am now and my eldest is not up yet and he's always awake before me so I'm worried about him.

As soon as he did come down he asked me for a Zimovane. I told him “I have read up about them on line, they are highly addictive” he interrupted me saying "I do not care what you've read, it's bollix, they are not addictive" I left it at that, I gave him a Zimovane and went to the toilet. Whilst I was in the toilet my eldest was knocking on the door. He told me “I am calm now and want you to know that the Lyrica are no use at all but after taking a zimovane I feel relaxed and if I do not take them I feel like tearing my own skin off or getting a knife and cutting my wrists" I told him “you should be discussing all this with a doctor and with Gheel Autism Services because this is all out of my league” He asked me if I would wash his hair for him, I said yes but asked “can I please pee in peace” I heard him laughing and he went away from the door. I think I should be mental with the way he is, how changeable he is.

I washed his hair over the bath, he's pleased the expensive shampoo has cleared up his dandruff, he was chatting away non stop. I was waiting for the questioning that normally takes place when he's chatty, of all that's wrong with me as a person, as a mother but it didn't come, thank god. He came down to the living room later and showed me all his new band t shirts. He wanted me to go to Tesco, he'd written a list of all he wanted. I sent a text to my friend telling her “he's happy now”

I just got back from doing his shopping in Tesco when he asked me to go to town and put money on his 3V card because he wanted to buy software so he could make his own music and wanted me to sell his PS3 or I could give it to my youngest. I said no because I knew that any thing he gave to his brother will be demanded back when he's in a bad mood.

I asked my youngest if he would like to go to the seaside with me to blow away the cobwebs and I would listen to my massage study questions and answers that I’ve uploaded to my phone so I could learn some things for my exams whilst we were out. My youngest had just woken up and told me he wasn't keen but said he would go and get a hair cut so we did that instead.

Whilst walking to the barber I sent Edel from Gheel a text asking if we could talk as I was out and cannot talk in the house because I have no privacy at all with my eldest above me in the house. I texted “I am finding things very tough with my eldest”

Edel from Gheel rang me. I told her everything that had been happening since my eldest had attacked me, how alone I feel, that no one has helped since the case conference meeting, that I've heard nothing from anyone that Consultant Canning had said should be onboard, I told her how hard life is, how eldest had said he will no longer see anyone, how everyone is continually letting us all down, how sick I am of it all and what do I do once the Zimovane tablets run out and Gheel are supposed to be my support but not once has anyone rang me to offer anything. Edel said “the refuge staff can go to the doctor with you about that” I said “no they can't because I've already asked them and they are all busy plus the doctor told me my eldest was only to take them on a short term basis and the refuge staff are not Autism professionals they are domestic violence professionals and Gheel are supposed to be my link re this Autism and if no one helps me I'm going to completely crack up and I'm now under the impression that because you all missed the small window of opportunity with my eldest of engaging with a professional which wasn't his fault but the damn professionals then does this mean that me, the carer, who's being mentally tortured by my son, who's been force fed sleeping tablets by my son, had my property removed by my son, threatened with violence, am I now being left out in the cold with no support” I asked her “who is caring for the carer because I have yet to meet that person or don't I matter at all in any of this” Edel said “Martin at Gheel looks after the parents” I said “not this one he didn't, he ignored my calls, my voice mails and my texts” She said “I know how tough it must be and I'll will talk to Peter Byrne”

I realise I am indeed completely alone with all of this. No one gives a shit. These professionals can clock in and clock out, I can't, they can switch off, I can't. All I can do is either walk away, kill myself or try and think of something to help my family but I doubt there is anything else I can try.

My youngests hair looks lovely after being cut, I can see his gorgeous face again.

18^th August

I visited a school with youngest.

I asked M in the refuge to change the wording on the minutes from the big conference meeting because she'd mistakenly typed that “eldest does not suffer from a medical condition” instead of “does not suffer from a mental condition”

I gave my eldest the updated and correct minutes from the meeting, he again stated “not seeing anyone and I don't give a fuck what you do"

My youngest said he couldn't go up to Tesco with me because he's not feeling well, he said he has flu like symptoms, man flu more like. My youngest never had the flu in his life and it's funny that no matter how I frigging feel I still have to go and get the shopping in and run about like a blue arsed flea.

I told my eldest he can't keep wasting his money on crap, he said he wanted his teeth sorted so he has to have money pay for them. He's got three electric guitars and cannot play a note on them and he doesn't bother learning either. All his talk about going to music school when we moved to Dublin was just that, all talk. He's managed to spent the €3,000 that he had saved, all gone in mere weeks, it's madness. I went into the Credit Union to see if I could open an account for him without him being seen, I got told no but they could open an account in my name and I could add my eldest as next of kin so if anything happens to me then he can go and claim all that's in the account.

I heard on the news that the new legislation for debtors is now in place so if I can find the bollix ex's address then I can get his ass into court. He owes me a frigging fortune but I can only claim back 6 months thru the court, it's a man's world here.

My youngest is getting on great at school. Thank god. He is happy and full of beans and is in the top class with others like him who want to learn, he said feels he's ahead of most of them because he covered the subjects at home himself but he's content and had no problems so far. It's good to see him in a routine and happy. He even said he likes the teachers. He needed €20 deposit for a locker. He did get in a panic after he got on the wrong bus this morning. I then had 5 missed calls from him and my blood pressure went sky high with worry for him but he's fine.

My eldest is hardly eating a thing, he says it's too hot. He always hated the heat.

I'm trying so hard to concentrate on my studies. It will be a miracle if I pass these three exams.

I sent thank you emails to my friend, S from Fingal Partnership and M at the refuge. I know I'm like a volcano when I lose it but I do really appreciate all that they do for me.

31^st August

I drafted an email I want to send my son and I want to have supports put in place just in case there is any fall out with him once he's received it. I ran it past M at the refuge and she said she would print it out for me.

Dear eldest, as you know I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the way we have had to live the past four plus years, by this I mean I have no active life outside of the house, I have to live in a specific way inside of the house and I am becoming resentful that I have to live this way with no privacy. I have done everything possible to advocate on your behalf to get help to ease you back into the way you used to live, having an outside of home life. I know that various agencies have let us down in the past but this does not mean that they will also let us down in the future and that is the word that I would like to focus on. The future. How do you see yours? I see mine as having a home to call my own at long last, having a chance to interact with other adults of own age of both genders, having paid employment, being a volunteer at the local hospital and eventually having my own holistic business working hours that suit me. I am now 50 years old and I would like to live whatever time I have left on my terms, not anyone else’s. I would like the freedom to come and go when I want to, have any friends that I might make visit me at home, even have a party or three just for the hell of it, I just want to be like everyone else. For this to happen I need you to visualise what future you would like for you as I will not live forever, what do you feel needs to be done to help you get back to how you were before 2006, there are many people just waiting to help but it needs your input and this needs to happen and happen soon. We now have total miscommunication which has reached a point where it is very unhealthy. I fear upsetting you to the point where my body undergoes severe stress which impacts on my physical and my mental health, I think we have all been through enough for many years to continue the way we are. I now realise after 4 plus years of trying that I cannot fix anything any more, only you can do that, yet I'm enabling you to continue living this way and that makes me frustrated, disrespected, mad as hell and so the cycle continues. I find this exhausting and realise that I will wake up one morning and not want to live this way any more. The answer lies in you wanting better for you, you wanting not to live in your room for ever more, there are people with experience of what you're going through re agoraphobia etc who can help in this field and had success in helping others who have lived like you are at present. This is your key to start living again and it’s what needs to happen, it will be very difficult for you at first but you have to take this first step to help yourself, I cannot do it for you. When someone gets to middle age, they realise they may only have a few years left before their body dictates what they can or cannot do, that person is me, I have read a person who like me has been a carer with no other way of life becomes resentful, depressed then eventually snaps and decides they are done with waiting for change and they want to put themselves first before it’s too late for them. I know I will go through these stages, I know I am going through these stages now and as fragile as our relationship is I would hate for it to be severed for ever. We have all been to hell and back and I would like to see a fresh start for us all.

What I need from you is:

1/ Accept that we cannot continue as we are and allow help to arrive. I need you within the next three months to have met at least one person who can discuss with you your options of what you want and how you are going to achieve them with help.

2/ Listen and learn from the people who have worked and helped agoraphobia sufferers.

On the acceptance of the above two we will all move into our permanent home once the council gets around to us but we will not be living the way we have been. If you cannot accept the above two requests then I am going to ask that you to refer yourself for independent housing of your own or I can do it for you. I am not doing this for any other reason but to make change happen because it needs to happen for the benefit of us all. Mum

2^nd September

My eldest woke me up early to tell me there's going to be an inquest into Dr David Kelly's death and he hopes Tony Blair gets jailed over it. We had a discussion about it. In my head I was willing him to go away and leave me alone, I feel disorientated this morning, I'm wondering why the hell am I doing massage at age 50 when I first started the course at age 45 and had to leave only two weeks away from my exams to come back and save my eldest from his father. I have missed 10 weeks of the course now, thanks to my eldest yet again, I have no chance of passing and it's my passion.

3^rd September

Had a meeting with E from the refuge, she is a lovely young girl. She wanted to meet up to catch up on how youngest was doing in school. She had found the school for us and so far so good because having an outside of the house life and a routine will do my youngest the world of good. E noticed the eczema I was flared up with, it was all sore and weeping and horrible looking, I was embarrassed, she told me it's stress, I said I know it is. She told me she will look into getting counselling for me.

My youngest was home at 1pm, the school's half day. I gave him a hug, he's getting so big and so handsome, it's hard to believe that he came from little old me. He said he needs folders for school and an USB stick, fuck me, more money to find.

I was glad to get dinner over and cleaned up so I could sit down and get all my studying done. My eldest asked me for a zimovane, I reminded him I had to study. Within half an hour he was in the living room again as high as a kite, he'd taken two sleeping tablets and was roaring with laughing saying “I can see a carnival on my pillow” it freaked me out him saying that. He asked me for another sleeping tablet but I told him “no chance” he said “my weight counteracts anything I consume” I replied “you can go and tell the doctor that instead of me” he said “it's just to help anxiety” I kept telling him I needed to study and he eventually went away.

6^th September

My youngest is in a really bad mood because his alarm didn't go off. I woke him up at 7.30am. I didn't get to sleep myself till after 3am because I was studying in bed. He had the sheer cheek to tell me "it's not acceptable you getting me up so late" I told him “get yourself up in future”

7^th September

E, the lovely young girl from the refuge came over with a letter from the HSE sent to them which said “we are taking no action re Child Protection Issues as Mrs X is doing all she can to seek help for her son via Autism Agencies” my eldest was reported to them after the knife incident because my youngest is under 18.

My youngest is poorly, I had to go to the chemist to get him a cough bottle and paracetamol.

14^th September

Whatever illness my youngest has I now have. My eldest wanted me to go to town and put money on his 3V card, he wanted to buy games, despite the recent conversation we had about his spending. I told him “I'm ill and have a terrible headache” he told me "take two paracetamol and you will be fine"

15^th September

My exam results are in. I got 92% in Massage studies and 92% in Business Conduct. I am shocked at how well I've done.

16^th September

Eldest has been fine for a few days but now seems down in the dumps.

17^th September

I had a practical exam. I passed with a credit. My youngest said well done. Eldest sent me to town to buy him more games.

22^nd September

An HSE letter for my eldest was delivered to the refuge office. He does not live at the refuge office. The HSE are offering him a personal assistant for 20 hours per week. How many times do they have to be told he will not engage with anyone, how many times do I have to ask that Dr Amitta Shah’s extensive report and immediate recommendations need to be implemented so that we all in my family can have some quality of life, why are they just wasting time. My eldest said “I'm not interested in any PA and despite me telling you I do not want or need a PA, it looks like they have gone ahead and assigned me one, I do not want or need a PA" he said it twice and asked me “when are you going to get it into your fucking head that they and you can all fuck off and die” He's also in a rotten mood because of the heat.

I took youngest for an eye test to Spec Savers, he needs glasses again. He did not want the cheap ones, the ones he wants are €130.

I sent Edel of Gheel Autism Services a text re what my eldest said about a PA and asked her “so what do I do now” No reply

23^rd September

I rang Edel of Gheel Autism Services and she said she didn't get my text yesterday. I told her I have a delivery report on my phone that says differently. I told her about my eldests reaction to the PA, she said “that's okay, it will take a while before he will want to engage” I said “time is not something I have any more and when I say I'm struggling and finding every day tough I mean it” She said “I will link in with you” (I thought she was already supposed to be after the conference meeting) she said “we will meet once per month and you can ring me as needed”

I sent an email to the solicitor to tell her I give up on her and asked her what did I owe her.

My youngest is getting great school test results 90%. He said “I'm not happy about it, it wasn't 100%” I am starting to worry about him.

I wish I had someone to share the load with because I am fed up with carrying everything on my back alone. I keep trying to get my youngest out of his room for a few hours, I reminded him that I told him two years ago I would be worried sick if he did the same as eldest because isolation affects the mental health, My youngest screamed at me for even mentioning mental health to him. He shouted “all you do is fucking moan and you should do yourself a favour and cunting quit bitching” I wish I was the kind of parent that could just give my kids a slap and shock some sense into them but I'm not like that and never could be. I think he's just deflecting what I'm saying by turning it on me. Why be so hateful and horrible tho, he would be screaming child abuse if I spoke to him like that.

I am falling down a big black hole.

I watched Simply Red's retirement show on the TV alone and I cried like a baby. It was like I was watching the past 25 years of my life go by past in a flash as I always loved this group. It made me think, who do I have, no one, what do I have, nothing, what do I have to look forward to, nothing. Give up girl.

Eldest spoke to me for the first time since Friday, he wanted “a zimovane” I am hoping and praying he doesn't get high, loose mouthed and come and take all his angst out on me.

28^th September

I met Edel from Gheel Autism Services at the shopping centre café. I got very upset telling her all that was going on. I told her about the cuff links I bought when my boys were only small because in my minds eye I wanted the boys to wear them the day they got married, to have a part of their ancestry, a part of me. I was mortified to be crying in public but Edel said “it's completely natural after all you have been thru and had to cope with” she assured me “all is not lost, we can never tell what the future may hold” I hope it's better than the past and the present for my boys because I feel my life is over. She said “you need specific counselling around many issues but especially your eldest getting diagnosed after taking an overdose and all the abuse you're getting, I will contact the HSE to get funding to pay for this counselling”

(I never, ever got any "specific counselling" as told to me by Edel and I wonder if Gheel received funding for it despite me not getting any) 

I feel like I'm living in daily fear, daily abuse, daily threats. I'm getting sick on a weekly basis with stress related illnesses. My GP advised “just walk away before it kills you, he told me “I couldn't put up with or live like you have to, just walk away” he said.

29^th September

I had a meeting with M at the refuge. She wanted me to “think about getting your eldest into housing of his own, I have never seen such a strong woman be brought so low” I told her “it should have been done already with Dr Shah’s report and recommendations” She said she will “contact the Woman’s Therapy Clinic and call Edel of Gheel Autism Services to push the HSE into getting eldest housing”

I took youngest to get his new glasses. He told me he had some where else to go but didn't say what for. We ended up at the Compton Model Agency. I stayed outside, they signed him up straight away and told him that he's photogenic and stands out, that he's distinctive. I am so proud of him, I gave him huge hug in the street for having the balls to do this. They had asked him why he contacted them, he told them to shut up my mum and her friends as they always tell him how gorgeous he is. My son is a model. I am thrilled for him.

I found out St Pat's hospital are looking for volunteer massage therapists for a day. I rang them up and spoke to M, I have to go and meet her on Friday at 4pm.

I chatted to my youngest about school, he said “everyone is still being kind but I feel like a spare part tagging along as I've not found my own circle yet” I told him “you are doing great and it will take time for people to get to know you and if you're nice and friendly then people should be nice and friendly back but there will always be fuckers in the world and it's part and parcel of life”

1^st October

My youngest met me off the bus, he seemed a bit down but told me “I'm just tired. I heard those exact words for years from the ex and my eldest now says the same thing and I know it always means something is wrong. I told my youngest “never bottle things up because one day the bottle will explode and the fall out will be horrible so please tell me immediately if anyone starts on you” He said okay.

4^th October

I caught an awful head cold, I had to buy actifed because my whole head and face was dripping non stop. I couldn't get out till nearly 3pm because I waited in for a delivery of books for my eldest. I was internally seething about that because my eldest is in the house all day but he won't answer the door because he doesn't want to be seen by anyone.

The Carers meetings agency I attend had put my name forward to do a Open University Health and Social Care Course with a few others they are sponsoring. I am thrilled and hope I don't let them down. I sent my first essay of to my tutor.

6^th October

I went to St Pat's hospital to provide holistic massage as a volunteer for the day, I thought it would be for the patients but it was for the staff. I had a great time. The woman who had interviewed me to do it asked me if they got any funding to have someone permanent would I like to take up the post, I said yes I would love to, she walked me out to wait on my cab, we got on great, I hope they do take me on part time permanently, I didn't think once about what I was going home to. I got back at 3pm. I'm still ill and knackered but I'm so happy to have got out doing what I love.

I'm now on steroids, anti biotics and inhalers.

The ex's “partner” is now emailing me regularly, I presume just to piss me off or get under my skin. I told M from the refuge and showed her the emails, she said “it's abuse and mind games because you've found the ex's address and taking him to court after 10 months of no maintenance being paid” She said “the best thing to do is just delete the emails as the ex has probably filled her head with "poor man, mad, bad wife stories" but never forget that you know him inside and out because you lived with him as did his kids for all those years and that one has just stepped into the picture and it's none of her business and your history with him is none of her business either” I said “I will delete nothing because I will use them in court”

I cannot study, my head is all over the place. I want a house for us, I want legal justice for us, I want my eldest to be normal and I want my baby to have friends and a social life.

15^th October

I'm in bad way with non stop coughing, a bad chest and a high temperature, I had to cancel my meeting with M at the refuge then contact my tutor because I cannot go to my graduation night with the rest of the class.

My eldest said “I need to take two zimovane at the same time because I can only exercise after taking zimovane” Half an hour later once they had taken effect he came back down and said "my life is fucked because of Aspergers" I told him “it's not, you just need to get help with agoraphobia and all else will fall into place with help and supports” He said “it will never happen because I have a monotone voice and cannot read facial expressions" I told him “you never had any problems before, I remember you asking me why I gave you a dirty look so that tells me you can indeed read facial expressions” He said “I know how to cure myself, I've been talking to my online mate who is self diagnosed with Aspergers and had agoraphobia and he cured himself and he's now at college, I'm going to buy weed from him” I said “not a chance because everything you order online comes in my name and I've never committed a crime in my life and I'm not doing time for any bugger” He stayed talking to me for two hours then went off to talk to his brother. He said “I feel so good that I wouldn't have no problems going outside” I told him “get ready and we'll go out now” He said “no, because I'm tired now”

He came down later and demanded I write a letter to a relative of his dad and “tell her all about dad” I said “no way, she's in her 80's and I know she had a heart condition” He said “you're doing fuck all to get us out of poverty and a simple letter could change all that and frighten dad into doing the right thing” I told him “I have already said no, so end of story” He called me a "cunt" and went upstairs. The boy is nuts.

I have court on the 22^nd of November. M from the refuge said she will go with me.

19^th October

Parent Teacher meeting at youngests school. I was told "he's a teachers dream, he focusses, he's a hard worker, he has huge potential, he has great marks across the board, he is a grade A student, all the teachers think he's excellent and wish there were more like him” I then saw the Year Head and she repeated what everyone else had just said then told me “but we have an issue because when he was in religion class he shouted out Oh Jesus" I started laughing and said “no way would he utter anything that would shine any spotlight on him in a class and that would not be a term he would ever use” She said “he needs to realise that a teacher is paid to teach a subject and that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs but he needs to keep his beliefs to himself” I said “I find it very hard to believe what I've just been told and I would like to meet with the religion teacher myself” she said she would “arrange it”

I come out and told youngest all the good things that were said about him then told him “I'm shocked at what I was just told because you apparently shouted out oh Jesus in the religion class” He denied it completely, I told him “I believe you because it wouldn't be something you would say in everyday language” He said “those words are not in my vernacular and I'm not going to be accused of something I have not said” He started roaring, shouting and swearing in the street and I was embarrassed by him "why have they not said anything to me about this, why have they gone behind my back to bitch about me to you"

We came home and he went to bed in a terrible mood. Then he got up to do more ranting and raving at me, I didn't bother saying anything because I wasn't fit for it. His volume levels are always sky high and he was hurting my ears. He started screaming at me "you should have stuck up for me, you should have known they were lying about me and you should have told them they were lying" I said “do not bloody speak to me like that, I am your mother” he said "start acting like one then" He could not have hurt me more if he had stuck a knife in me. I told him “get out of my sight and don't talk to me at all until you apologise” He said “the house will be very quiet because I will not be apologising to you”

22^nd October

The house has been quiet, even from my eldest, I suppose because he now has had a new focus in life, his weight loss diet. After taking a Xanax he came into the kitchen and decided I needed to be questioned on just about everything. “Who made the decision to move to Ireland? Why did you marry a mad man? Why did you stay with him? Why are you weak? Why are you not fighting and doing more to get us legal justice and a financial settlement? Do you really know how much I despise you” I answered his questioning of me as calmly as I could then told him “you will never talk to me like that again” He jumped up and shouted “I'm going to snap” and he ran out of the kitchen. I shouted up to him “come back down and explain why” he ignored me.

I emailed my friend, she replied asking if she could she ring me, I replied no because my eldest would hear me and anyway it's a bank holiday and it wouldn't be fair on my friend after her working all week.

Why, oh bloody why, do these crises always happen on weekends and bank holidays when I have no place of safety to go to, to escape to. I know exactly what he is capable off and he just warned me he was going to snap. My fear levels are off the scale.

My friend sent me a text, she said “I don't know how you cope with the stress of it all”

I cannot be living in fear in my own house. I called my youngest down and told him what just happened in case it escalated. He told me “I do not need this crap, I need to concentrate on school”

I sent my friend an email: “Hi Friend, thanks for your reply, he is staying well away from me because I have been very vocal today and banging about in rage because of the friggin fear he made me feel last night. I went to bed at 1am after cleaning the house. I'm okay, just very bad nerves wise, shaking like a leaf inside and out, if anyone is going to snap it's going to me because I am so angry. Thanks for the offer of a chat but honestly I'm okay. I would normally just have written in my copy book but couldn't find it and I apologise for writing to you at a weekend. I had youngest take his food up otherwise I would not keep my mouth shut. Thanks a million

25^th October

Eldest is still not speaking to me, it's better than his outbursts but I cannot judge his mood at all when he's in shut-down mode. I don't know how to help him, he doesn't say what's in his head and I'm no mind reader. He makes me shake due to fear of him. No mother should ever feel this way.

26^th October

I ordered my eldest his medication, he told me not to get “any more anti depressants because I will not take them” I took all the redundant medication back to the chemist because I don't want him overdosing ever again.

27^th October

I met Edel from Gheel Autism Services in the cafe at the shopping centre and almost broke down due to all going on in the house. I said “I'm being tortured by my eldest and my youngest is acting weird too” I told her about the school but I still don't believe my youngest said what he's supposed to have said in the religion class. I told her “I don't ever feel safe now around my eldest, why should I have to be living this way” She again said “I will look into the right counselling for you because I feel you have high stress levels in every area of you life” I told her “I'm living in fear and refuse to do so any more” I again heard “I know how tough it must be for you” I asked her “how can you possibly know” she said “I can empathise” I said “I need action, help, supports and services. I'm being abused under my own roof and I cannot cope” She told me “we will meet again and I'm just at the end of the phone”

29^th October

M from the refuge came over and once again I was in floods of tears, she held my hand, and said “it's dreadful, I can't imagine living with the stress of it all” She said “I really want you to think seriously about getting him into his own accommodation because I think you've done all you can and you can't cope any more, this could kill you one way or the other” she told me “drop the guilt” she said “it will be hard at first but will soon go away and you deserve a decent and peaceful quality of life after the life you've had” I told her that my eldest always said he will kill himself if I leave him or have him put out” M said “that's emotional blackmail and he's not killed himself yet and he's an adult and has to make his own choices” I said “I will only agree to it if Gheel and the HSE get their fingers out and follow Dr Shah's report and recommendations” M said “can I have your permission to contact Edel of Gheel because I've never seen you so low” She gave me a hug when she left.

30^th October

Today I realised just what a huge fucking joke I am and how controlled I am by my own son and I am ashamed of myself. Tesco had no Vanilla yoghurt for my eldest to mix with his oat bran for his breakfast, they only had peach flavour but that had bits in it but I had to buy it because they had nothing else. When I got home I stood at the sink sieving the large pot of yogurt because my eldest hates anything with bits in. I don't even know if he will like the peach flavour. I must be absolutely mad doing this. How low have I stooped just to try and appease him. I have got to get away from him before he finishes the job his father started of driving me insane.

31^st October

I’ve been awake since 5am. I have the runs something terrible. I could hear my eldest was also awake but I didn't move a muscle till I heard him come out of his room so I could judge what kind of mood he was in. I made his breakfast of oat bran mixed with the sieved yoghurt and put his two tablets on the side and put them outside his bedroom door for him and knocked on his door, there was no answer so I left. When I heard him came down with the empty plate I froze, my nerves are really bad.

I have an Open University assignment to get done. I got 71% for my last essay, god knows how, but I did. I contacted the tutor and told her I don't think I can keep up with the course because home life is so chaotic. She advised me to take the course one module at a time and try and get thru it that way. She is really nice.

I was washing the dishes at 5pm when my eldest came into the kitchen, he stretched his arm out towards me and I yelled out loud, I thought he was going to hit me but he just wanted a spoon out of the dish drainer. I had to go and sit in the living room till he was gone out of the kitchen. I am a bag of nerves.

My youngest came down to inform me "eldest is not speaking to you because you are not speaking to him" I asked my youngest “have you gone stupid because the last time eldest "snapped" as he recently warned me he was going to do and I tried to talk to him he battered me and chased me out of his room and out of my house waving a 20 inch carving knife, so if you and he don't cop on quick I'm on the verge of giving up because I don't deserve any of this, you are both obviously so very unhappy with me and I doubt you will ever will be happy with me so if you want you can pack your own bags and leave. I've done my job, you're both grown” My youngest walked away whilst I was still talking to him. If I had the money I would disappear and never be found.

2^nd November

Eldest is still not talking to me and I'm far too scared to talk to him. I do not know what to do with him.

Edel from Gheel Autism Services rang me and I told her “I will be leaving, I'm not hanging around to be battered again, I have had enough” She said “I will talk to Peter Byrne” I have no clue why, it's all I ever bloody hear. How is this agency called a “service”

I asked youngest to ask my eldest to weigh himself so I would know if his diet was working. He came back and told me “you've not to buy him any more diet coke for a week and you have to reduce his yoghurt intake” as if I'm spoon feeding him with it FFS.

7^th November

Still no communication with my eldest. I sent him an email re his diet as he cannot stay on what is called the attack phase of this diet, all I am cooking for him is meat twice a day and nothing else, no bread etc. He replied “I have no fucking energy"

8^th November

M from the refuge rang, she said “things are moving on the housing front and I will ensure proper supports are in place for you” She asked me about my eldest, I told her, she said "you are not responsible for what goes on in his head"

I took youngest to town after dinner and bought him a beautiful military style winter coat. I bought my eldest a game that came with extras. When we got back my eldest asked his brother "what the hell am I supposed to do with that then" I could scream. My youngest asked him later if his game was any good, my eldest told him "no, it's crap" That crap game cost me €55.

10^th November

M from the refuge rang me, she said “don't get your hopes up but you will probably be offered a three bedroom house” I am petrified to be moving, I didn't move here for transitional housing, I moved here for support. I suppose after my eldests performance re the knife means there's no way in hell I would be allowed to stay here and I like this place. My life is fecked now because of him.

Eldests PPS is broken, he told his brother “go into town and exchange it for an I pod” My youngest told him “no because I have school to go to” Eldest told him “go after school then” I was fuming, no way is he going to use and treat youngest like he does with me as his personal slave. I decided I'm going to send him an email that he will only need to read once because I'm getting all I want to say written down and I will make sure that he never forgets it either. He is just taking the piss out of us, out of me.

I talked over my email plan with my friend then the refuge manager and sent Edel from Gheel Autism Services a text telling her what I was going to do. Edel from Gheel sent a reply “I will call you at 4.30pm”

The refuge manager said “you are entitled to have you're say and it will do you good to get it all off you're chest and I do not agree with Peter Byrne of Gheel, your eldest knows exactly what he's doing, it's abuse and he knows it because he wouldn't do it to anyone else because he knows it would not be put up with, it's classic abuse and every bit of support that we have on-site has been around your eldest and not you and it should have been because you are the tenant”

I didn't bother waiting for Edel from Gheel Autism Services to call me. I spent hours writing the email and just sent it to my eldest.

Dear Eldest, I am going to get the offer of a house which is 2 miles away from here this week or next. I will not be taking you with me if this mental torture continues.

I am not responsible for what goes on in your head and your continued appalling treatment of me, the only person in your life that gives a damn about you and I put my own wants and needs aside to facilitate you since July 2006. I lived this way of life for far too many years with your father, you will not be taking over that role as I refuse to live this way. I left the man that I loved because I could not put up with his abuse and mental torture, I do not want to lose my son over the same thing. The last time I lived as we do now was in the cottage when you and dad decided I and youngest did not exist, we were treated like pure shit, left isolated with nothing, not even the company of you or dad, have we ever held that against you? I have gone over and above the call of duty as a mother and still in your eyes I am nothing, still in your eyes I am a failure, someone you can treat with disdain and never be nice to by a kind word now and again. The past is the past and cannot be changed, only how a person chooses to live in the present and how they want their future to be is important. You can, as you have done so in the past, do far more much for yourself, I am not your slave, nor your proverbial punch bag for all your angst, anger, hate etc, you can access others for help as I am not taking it any more. I have had rarely a kind word or deed out of you the past 4 plus years and I have not deserved this life you decided for me. The only thing that stumps me is why you are still around if I am the ongoing focus for your apparent hatred of me, you have choices but have left me with none until now. I now choose to live the life I want which does not involve being ignored by you, putting myself last, having no social life, work life at age 50 I have done more than enough. Our whole lives revolve around you and your moods and as much as I love you (no one could have done what I have done if I did not love you) I need you to change, you need to change, life for me is hell and I am not living in hell any more. Your previous slating emails to me regards your teeth and all I failed to do in this regard did not take into account the actual facts as stood back then: From 2002 until 2006 I had no bank account. I had no money to call my own, I had no transport, I had no outside of life at all, and your father was in charge of everything. Your other slating email to me in regards to your weight that “I watched you get to * stone” I did not force feed you, I was, in my eyes, keeping the peace and giving you what you wanted, you did not have to eat what I put in front of you or the huge pizza's you insisted I order for you, you did not have to stay in your room doing nothing. I have tried to access everything to help you: education, dentist, dietician etc, you have refused everything, you are more than welcome to read my journals the past 4 plus years and you will see exactly what I have tried to do, who I have contacted etc. So now we are possibly on the move again and once again everything will be left to me to cope with, packing, cleaning, making sure your room is sorted first so all you need to do is get into it and shut your door and I have had enough. The only person that can help you is you. I will not be moving into yet another strange area with you as you now are, I want a peaceful, happy, active life, I have earned it, if you are angry seek professional help, I am no therapist, if you want to live in total isolation not talking to anyone, you can do so elsewhere, not with me. If you want a home with me then this crap has to stop and stop now. I want you with me but not like this. If there is any verbal or physical threat to me re this email or anything else I will seek a protection order immediately.

His Reply “I have absolutely no future. Get me something I can overdose on and I'll be out of your hair for good”

Me back to him: “I do not want you "out of my hair" I just want life at home easier for us all. We all have no one else except one another, the least we can do is support one another”

As soon as my youngest got in from school I told him we had to go out and I would take him into town and treat him to a burger king and I wanted to talk to him. I told him after we got off the bus because I wanted no abusive reaction from him, “I have sent eldest a long email and I don't want to return to the house until I have spoken to Edel from Gheel” My youngest said “you are only goading him” I stopped dead in the street and told him “the last person who accused me off doing that was your father and I'm not listening to any bullshit and when did you morph into your father, when I last looked in the mirror I was your mother and you'd better not forget it or I will because I've had enough” My youngest said “sorry” I told him “start thinking before you speak from now on, I do, even though there is plenty I could say but I don't because I know it will hurt your feelings so you had better show me the same concern” He nodded his head. We exchanged eldests PPS for an I pod.

Edel from Gheel Autism Services rang me, she said “I can tell by your voice how tired, weary and stressed you are” I was on the phone with her for an hour, she asked me “would you postpone sending the email” I said “no it's sent” She said “I will call you again tomorrow and try and not take eldest personally” I said “what, off course it's personal, he battered me, not anyone else, he chased me waving a 20 inch carving knife at me, not anyone else, his words to me are very personal because they are directed at me to my face and via email, he doesn't do anything to anyone else”

Youngest took his brothers new I pod up to him and got told “go away” so he left it on the bannister for him outside his room. I made his dinner and youngest told me “you're wasting your time, he won't eat it” I made it anyway and yes youngest was right, it did not get eaten but eldest did come out for his I Pod.

12^th November

I ordered youngest a chest of drawers for his bedroom, they cost me €100 and they arrived today. I spent hours cleaning his room, one thing about my eldest is he keeps his room spotless, My youngest is completely different, his room is always a pig stye so I thought I would give him a lovely surprise when he got home from school. I didn't know where to start because so much was on his floor and all his clean clothes were just chucked on the floor too. I couldn't figure out what was clean and what was dirty so I took the whole lot down to wash. I put new bedding on and had bought him a new lamp and his room looked lovely.

When he got home from school I told him the drawers hadn't arrived yet because I wanted it to be a complete surprise when he went up the stairs. 

He went mental, absolutely mental at me and I was shocked about it, here was I doing something nice for him that took me hours to do and he reacted like that, screaming to no one "she lied to me, she fucking lied to me, she said the drawers didn't arrive" 

Eldest came out of his room and said "well you know by now what she's like" and I erupted. 

My eldest had decided to find his voice only because my youngest was going mental at me. I knew eldest thought he now had a partner in arms so they could both gang up on me and it wasn't going happen. I roared at my youngest “get your ass down these stairs NOW” and he came down. I completely lost it with him "you ungrateful little bastard, three hours I spent cleaning that shit hole of yours and I nearly broke my back getting those drawers up those stairs on my own, the weight of them and your brother didn't offer me one finger to help me when I got stuck on those stairs with those drawers. I paid €100 for those drawers, I spent €130 on your winter coat when mine cost €15, how dare you, how bloody dare you" He said "you know I don't like change" I shouted "since when" he said "I don't like you moving my stuff and I wanted to do it myself" and off he went.

He undid everything that I'd done in his room, the upstairs hallway was full of his belongings, he then left the house for 45 minutes.

I rang my adopted daughter T, no answer.

I rang bed and breakfasts to find out the cost because I needed to leave this house. I knew I needed to get out of this house and away from them both, this mad house. I wrote them a letter, telling them they had “better shape up or ship out” and I went to bed.

I woke up to a complaining email from the ex's “partner” I forwarded it to the solicitor saying “if she contacts me again I will not be responsible for my actions, I have enough crap to deal with”

I didn't go to college.

I am a mess, a complete mess, a horrific mess and a basket case and I need it all to end.

My youngest came down and for some stupid reason I expected an apology from him, not with this boy tho. He said "I'm so pissed off at you for doing my room" I said “tough, my house, I pay the rent, my name is on the lease and I will do what is needed in my house and you can like it or lump it” No reply from him to me saying that.

15^th November

My friend K came round and we were sitting chatting when my phone rang. It was the School Principal, he said “youngest is very upset, some boy gave him a box in the groin" I went nuts. If my life at home was not so crazy I might have handled it better but I didn't. I told him “I'm not putting up with any violence to my son, he had enough of that in another county and it took two years to get him back into education and if he's been assaulted I'm calling the Garda and I'll let them deal with it” He then put my youngest on the phone to me. Youngest told me “I was standing outside my next class in the hall way when a lad who's not in my class but in my year walked past me and punched me in the balls for no reason” I told him “get out of the school and get home now” K said “I have never seen you so enraged before, I'd never pick on you because you look scary looking” I told her all about the covered up bullying done to youngest in another county and said “no way is he ever going to go thru that again because it made him a shadow of his former self and no one hits my kids or they have me to deal with”

I rang my youngest, he said “I'm on the bus now and I'm okay”

My phone rang again, it was the School Principal again, he asked me “how is he now, can I talk to him” I told him “he's not home yet and I will be talking to him first” He said “I've spoken with the lad responsible, he wouldn't be your usual bullying kind of fella, he's a good friend of youngest and all would find youngest to be a bit different because he has his own opinions and sticks to them but this fella is youngests friend and he's now upset and he only gave youngest a bit of a tipping” I asked him “when was the last time you had a tipping in the balls and how fast it's changed in mere minutes from a box to a tipping” K ran out of the living room laughing. I said “no one should be touching another person in the groin area at all, and no matter what you are now calling it, my youngest has already told me on the phone it was a punch and he should know because he was on the receiving end and if you find my son to be a bit different, then I thank god for it because he's a Grade A student according to all school staff and his teachers love him” He asked me “would he write an account of what happened and bring it in to me” I said “he's already told you” He said “it's better to have a record of it” I said “you better already have a record of it because I'm calling the Garda” then said goodbye.

I was so fired up that I flew up the stairs to my eldests room and told him “you had better get your act together and rejoin this family because your brother has just been assaulted in the school and we are going to need your support” He said “okay” but I think he was just shocked at me going in to him. K said the most stupid thing "I thought you were scared of eldest" I said "I'm scared of no one when my baby has been hurt"

My youngest came home, I expected him to be very upset and crying but he was okay. I gave him a hug and told him I wanted to hear the full story before I took it any further.

He said “he's a bit of a twat and a messer but it was a shock, it came out of the blue, I wasn't expecting it and it hurt like hell” I asked him “why did you not give him a hard slap back” he said “I was bent over doubled up in pain with a heavy rucksack on my back” 

I told him what the Principal said to me on the phone, My youngest was furious and said “that twat is no friend of mine, he never has been and never will be, he's just in the same year I am” He said “I was in so much pain that my bottom lip started trembling and I didn't want to start crying in the class room so I asked the substitute teacher if I could leave the class to go and report the incident, I was told no, and that I had to make an appointment to do that so I just got up and walked out of the classroom and walked to the school office” He said “when I walked to the Principals office I was crying and asked the Principal to ring you” 

The poor soul, it's not fair on him at all. And I'm enraged at the Principal telling me the prick who did this “is now upset" I told youngest “the principal wants it all in writing” he said “why, I've already told him” I said if you can do it, just try to”

Eldest asked his brother if he was okay so I'm glad he showed his brother a bit of concern so I must have some how got thru to him. He started telling youngest how to fight and where to hit, but youngest must have been embarrassed that he can't as he'd just told me he couldn't retaliate because he was bent over double with pain and was weighed down with his heavy rucksack.

K went home.

I got no call from Edel from Gheel Autism Services and she told me she would be calling me on Friday but she didn't, then she said she would call me Monday and she didn't.

My youngest is being the man that he cannot be outside, to me verbally and I'm devastated with the abuse he's giving me. I know it's because he feels such a wimp because he can't fight his own battles but why can he not see how his spitefulness and nasty mouth to me makes him just as much of a bully as the fuckers he has to deal with in school, even worse he's doing it to his own mother. I would have loved to have had a mothers love and care and someone to defend me. He is so ungrateful and so selfish and so nasty. He told me “you should have been up to that school the minute the Principal rang you, what kind of mother are you” I said “how come you didn't talk like this to me in front of K, were you afraid to show her your true colours and if you carry on you will be dealing with the school and everything else on your own” He told me “I expect that anyway because you do fuck all for me and you do not give a shit about me” eldest was eavesdropping from the top of the stairs and shouted down to youngest "it took you fucking long enough to realise what she's like" I could scream blue murder right now.

In desperation and because of no phone calls from Edel from Gheel Autism Services in the way of my "support" I rang a woman in Carers Support for the Open University, she said “It's a disgrace what you've been left to cope with, your son is now so entrenched that any mention of change will totally freak him out and will only make him dig in deeper where he feels safe, in his own bubble. Sending him letters is not enough as he will never engage, it's professional experts that need to step in, he should have been taken away after the knife incident by people highly trained to help him, for his own good, never mind yours and your younger son too. Him claiming he will kill himself constantly is emotional blackmail and is a warning to you that this will be your punishment if you dare to change the status quo. Send an email to Dr Shah, I know her well, the medical world is a small world and Dr Shah can make waves, especially since her own recommendations have just been ignored. Tell your doctor the impact this has on you physically and mentally and make sure it is recorded on your doctor’s medical records and call me back at any time”

I went to bed early, I felt so tired but I woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep.

I sent an email to Dr Amitta Shah.

“Dear Dr Shah, in 2007 you kindly met with me in Ireland regarding my son and made various recommendations none which have been taken up by the HSE over here. In 2009 I moved with my children to Dublin after becoming ill myself and needing support, since then my eldest has got worse and has now shut down completely and not talking to me. I do have Gheel Autism Services writing letters to him to try and engage with him to no avail, he refuses to engage with anyone. I am writing to you as I have no other avenue to seek help, a woman called C who works for the Open University and supports carers suggested I contact you as the expert regards my sons condition. This is not going to end well and I desperately need your expertise please as to what to do if he has stopped even communicating with me. Yours sincerely”

Dr Amitta Shah sent me an email reply asking that I get whatever agency is involved with the family to call her so she can advise them and said she was sorry things have not improved for us.

I am sick and tired and drained with the non stop abuse from both sons now and I am screaming for services, help and support and threatening to go public and I will do it before I go criminally insane.

17^th November

My youngest is not in good mood, he barked at me to go and get money out for my eldest and put it on his 3V card because he wants to buy things online, no asking, just ordering.

20^th November

Both me and My youngest are ill with a vomiting bug.

22^nd November

Court today. I only found out the ex's gone into hiding address, thanks to a lovely court clerk. My youngest and my friend K came with me because M from the refuge couldn't make it.

I was so nervous because I'd never been to this Dublin Court before and the solicitor told me this court would be more serious than the other county's court. F came because the solicitor couldn't make it (again) He said “your ex is pleading poverty and mental illness and is down as a dependent on the girlfriend” I told F “I have given you all proof of three quarters of a million Euro gone thru his many bank accounts and it has to be somewhere and if it's spent I want the proof” F went up to the call over for me and told me it could take a while.

I saw the ex and he still looked awful and haggard, he had the “partner” with him and another woman who I nick named Big Bertha, they didn't stop walking past us the whole time we were there.

We were the last to be called in.  K said “they look like the odd couple and are acting a disgrace in the court public waiting room, they are all over one another and kissing” I didn't see and I couldn't care less, she said “it's obviously for show because they're slobbering one another then they look over in your direction” I said “well he must know I'm as blind as a bat, I wouldn't be able to see anything unless in front of me and I'm beyond caring about anything to do with that man” K said “it's a disgrace and in front of his child who he's not even once acknowledged”

My name was called so up to the court room I went.

The judge ate him alive. The ex told the court “I have no money, I've lost 3 stone in weight” (he said he lost 4 stone the last time in court) The judge wasn't interested in any sob story, he roared at him "what are your proposals for this huge debt" he didn't get an answer. The judge roared again "you have ten seconds to tell me something" The ex said "I will pay €50 per month" the judge shouted "do not insult this court or your wife" F told the court "he has huge assets but has continually refused to comply with the court by providing all documents asked for and he sold his share of a very expensive property in London" The judge asked the ex “what did you spend the money on” the ex after stammering said "a huge tax bill" the judge said "a huge tax bill means a huge income" F also told the judge “he's renting privately and paying €100 a week, he went into hiding and let the family home out which is now lying empty so he could live there and pay the mortgage which would be cheaper than him paying private rent but he's not done so and has let the house go to wreck and ruin and we have the photographs to prove it”

The judge then picked up a phone and asked for two people by name to "come up to court ** and take this man away" The ex didn't even react, he kept asking F for  "a copy of her Statement of Means" F said "no, you are in court on a summons for the debt that you owe, this is not a variation of maintenance so I do not have to provide you with anything" The ex said "I want a copy of her Statement of Means" F called out to the judge and asked him to tell the ex “what this court case is for” and said “by law I do not need to give him any documentation” the judge said "you have been summoned to the court for a huge debt, you have been court ordered on numerous occasions to pay maintenance to support your two children and you are now in serious arrears, do you think your children can live on fresh air, this summons is because you are a serial debtor so you will deal with the consequences and you are not entitled to any documentation from Mrs * in this court today" A Garda walked into the court and told the ex to leave the court with him. As the ex walked past me he bent towards me and I slithered across the seat to get as far away from him as possible.

I kept asking F “what does all this mean” F told me “it means he is going to cool his heels in jail and it always means that these men find money they claim in court they don't have, it's good because if he has any money anywhere then this will flush it out” I went into a kind of shock, I never wanted any of this to happen, I just want what I know is half mine and him to support our kids.

Me and F left the court. I was shaking like a leaf, I asked F “could you please get K and my youngest to come up to me because I need them. All I was thinking is I know the ex is an evil bastard but never in a million years did I want this to happen to someone I once loved.

K and my youngest came up to the floor I was on, they both said “good it's his own fault, he had it coming” when I told them the ex was being jailed. K said “you did not make your kids on your own but you're raising them on your own and providing everything for them” She then told me “both me and youngest got so worried when the alarms went off downstairs, all we could hear was the Garda being asked to get up to court ** immediately and I knew that's where you were and his “partner” and the other one were running back and forwards like headless chickens”

We walked down the stairs and were walking past the lifts on the ground floor when a Garda walked past me with a tiny woman, she said to me "you are a fucking cunt" I hadn't clue who it was then it dawned on me it was his “partner” The Garda escorting her told her off by saying "c'mon now there's no need for that" she was obviously being taken down to the cells to see the ex.

F advised us to get out and go straight home. It did not feel like a victory at all, it felt sad, I felt very sad. I'm such an idiot. My youngest said "you are nuts because the evil cunt deserves everything that happens to him"

I was quiet and deep in thought the rest of the day.

23^rd November

S, the Fingal Advocate rang me, she said "I've rang Carol Doolan the Disability Manager because I'm genuinely worried about you and your family, it's okay all these people ringing you but nothing seems to be getting done as in help, supports and services and all this after the case conference when everything was promised and nothing happened” I had been emailing S and my friend each and every time anything happened in the house, S said “I've asked Carol Doolan why to date nothing has been done about Dr Amitta Shah’s report and recommendations that would have given this family a decent quality of life, mum would still be eldests carer but would have some space and peace to be able to relax and not live in such high continual tension and under a constant threat of abuse and crisis” S said “Carol Doolan said she had never seen any report from Dr Shah" That woman Carol Doolan is a fucking liar. I personally handed her my own copy which she took and photo copied on the 29^th June 2009.  S said “I've insisted on a meeting with Carol Doolan without you present but don't worry because me and your friend will have your back, what would you like to happen, what would you say is the most important thing that could aid your family” I said “that my eldest and I be housed side by side so that he still has me, where he will feels safe with his mother present to attend to his every need when he needs me but my youngest and I have our own space to be able to relax and breathe without fear, threats and intimidation as it would be better than us all under one roof but my family would still be intact” S wrote all I said down. She said “I will discuss these plans and options with Carol Doolan and then meet you as to the outcome and I'll let you know how I get on” I asked S “would you contact Dr Shah for me because she was kind enough to reply to my email and you seem to me to be the only person true to your word these days about getting anything done” She said “I will do because you're not getting the expected calls back from Edel from Gheel Autism Services so you're feeling you're on my own again” She said “thank you for trusting me to do that” She is a sweetheart.

The postman knocked on the door and I had to sign for a letter. I knew immediately it was another summons and I couldn't understand how the fuck he could get this sent out in 24 hours from a jail. I rang the solicitor and left a voice mail. I cannot believe this shit is continuing. I rang K, she said “never ask me to go to court with you again because I found it far too stressful” I said “you should try being me”

I rang youngests school and told them he will probably be back at school tomorrow.

The solicitor rang me. I told her “I'm totally confused as to how he could away with sending another summons from Mount joy jail and how the hell can he get away with requesting another variation because this is his 6th one this year, how the hell can he keep getting away with issuing court summons to vary what he's not paying at all, it's madness and he keeps losing because he doesn't have proof of anything he says and I always prove what I say is true, so when are the courts going to bloody realise this” The solicitor said “I will ring F and put a stop to this like we did before” she said "I hate that man and I wasn't even married to him" she was laughing. She said “he now has a Law Centre as his legal representation and they are going to lodge his defence and counter-claim re divorce and by law we do have to give them more time but it means we can get straight into the registrar first who will make court orders etc. before the divorce hearing takes place, we can then rush in, it's good news for us and is perfect for you as it means you will get the full disclosure that you always wanted” She told me “it was Judge * ******* in court ** and he's normally a really lovely, placid man but he doesn't waste time, he ordered but he didn't write down that your ex be sent to Mount joy jail for 4 days, the maintenance remains at €200 a week (which I've never, ever received) and he's to pay 32 weeks of arrears of €6,400 at €89 per week on top of maintenance until the arrears are cleared” I said “I will not get a cent and he is not paying a cent” She said “I know you have been really struggling and really patient but we are nearly at the end now and people like him always reap what they sew” I then panicked because it sunk in what she said about “his defence and counter claim” I thought what the hell is he defending and what a counter claim can possibly mean, did he not want a divorce. I do not want any ties to that man at all. She said “it is almost laughable and just his spite making him do this and you have nothing at all to worry about”

My youngest put away the shopping for me and got coal in for me without being asked whilst I was on the phone. I shouted out to him “you are the best boy in the world” so I gave him an early Xmas present of a tiny I pod and he was thrilled about it, he loved it.

My lovely old friend and neighbour C rang me, I was on the phone with her till 2am, I ended up with a hand like a claw.

24^th November

My youngest went back to school today with a note re his absences and took his inhalers with him.

Call from DCC they want to interview me tomorrow at 10am.

Postman delivered my Open University books, oh my god I really have to get serious studying done.

Some people's so called drama's can make you laugh out loud. My ex's “partner” posted on her blog "I had to sell my soul to a judge yesterday to keep my boyfriend out of jail after he spent 4 hours in a cell, how can any woman sleep at night knowing that she's stealing money from another woman to support her children" She has got to be as thick as shit thinking that never mind posting it. What the fuck has any of this got to do with her.

25^th November

Checked my bank account. Not a penny paid in maintenance FFS.

S of Fingal Advocate rang me, she advised me “ask Edel from Gheel Autism Services to contact/reply to Dr Shah because Edel is your key support worker and I'm sorry that I cannot do it for you as Fingal are not in your jurisdiction but I will continue to help you as an advocate until something is done by Gheel and the HSE”

We've had heavy snow for weeks now, the roads and the pavements are treacherous. I had to wear my eldests Doc Martins on my size 4 feet so that I can walk without slipping over in the street. I left the house to get to the housing place. I hadn't a clue where the place was but I got the dart and eventually found it.

A frosty little bitch in a tiny office took all my details and asked me a lot of personal questions about my sons. Why, I do not know. She then said "having Aspergers doesn't really mean anything because I know a lovely boy with it and he's very sociable and outgoing, it's not as if it's a disability or anything" and I went ape shit. I told her exactly what Aspergers was and “it is indeed a frigging disability and you should educate yourself on a subject before you open your fat trap ever again and upsetting people and I want to speak to who ever is in charge here” she told me “no one else is in the office” then said “I am very sorry”

I haven't got an iota of patience left in me.

She then told me “we have a house in ***********” I had no clue where that was. She said “you are to view it today but you need to make your own way there” she was driving there to meet me at the house but didn't have the decency to offer me a lift, she knew I was getting public transport and that no buses were running due to the severe bad weather. She said “you need to be at the house for 10.30 because I'm busy” I told her “I will get there when I get there” she really pissed me off. I got the dart then realised I was going in the the wrong direction so had to get off at the next stop and wait for a dart going the correct way. I was pissed off big time and when I got to *********** I ended up walking the wrong way again looking for the street in an area I'd never been in before. I heard shouting from the road and it was the woman in her car telling me I was going the wrong way and she directed me to where I should be going all the while driving slowly next to me and still not an offer from her to get in her car at all. I was sliding all over the place with the compacted snow and ice on the ground.

When we get to the house, she couldn't open the door. I ended up taking the key and opening the door myself. It's on a lovely, quiet street and is small inside but has gas central heating and a large back garden. Mrs frosty features told me “the water will be on, on Monday and if you want the house you have to get to the office to sign for it and move in ASAP” I said “this has all come out of the blue, I didn't know I would be offered a house and I have no furnishings for it so I would need a bit of time” she said sharply “well do you want it or not and you're very lucky woman” she was rushing in and out of each room, telling me to hurry because she needed to be elsewhere. I didn't even get the chance to measure anything. She walked towards the door telling me to “hurry up” I asked her “are you always so horrible to people” she looked at me funny and gave me directions and she left in her car. How do people like her get thru life, the dreadful little old woman.

I had to keep stopping and ask people for directions. It was a long walk home slipping and sliding. I was shocked even I knew something was in the wind re a house but never in a million years did I expect to be offered anything today. I thought it was just an interview because that's what I was told it was. I was worried how to tell the boys we're moving again and how I could pull this off and could I afford to move us, how would my youngest get to school and how would I get my eldest to that house.

Edel from Gheel Autism Services rang me and said “I think it's important that we meet so you have support” she wants to meet me tomorrow at 12.15pm in the shopping centre cafe. It's a pity she didn't think it was important when she didn't ring me the two times she was supposed to and then ignored my email too.

I met K and started crying because I felt overwhelmed with everything, she told me “the house is great news and if anyone can pull it off I know that you can and you have just had a tough week and months and life” she made me laugh saying that.

Once back home I told my eldest about the house, he asked me about the rooms, I told him “the biggest room has the boiler in it” he said “I'm not having that one then cause of the noise it will make” my eldest has had the biggest room in every house we have lived in so I'm having the big room this time.

My friend rang me, I filled her in, she said she's delighted for us.

I rang the solicitor and asked her if I could keep my new address private as the ex found out our present address thanks to the court clerk. She said yes off course.

I rang the court to see if the ex had handed any maintenance into them, I got told no but he'd rang them and asked them how he should pay. I let rip “he has had me in court since 2006 and he knows perfectly well how to pay and also has my bank details” The woman said “I told him to pay by money order or by cheque or he could get your bank details from you” I said “he is taking the piss and you lot are just allowing him to” I rang the solicitor and told her.

I rang Eircom and told them how important it was that I get a phone in the new house ASAP. I was told they could do it in 24 hours but Broadband could take 5 days, the woman then checked our new address and said it's still in the name of a previous tenant and I need to fax them a copy of my lease to prove I will be the new tenant so the account can be put in my name because money is owing on the old account.

When youngest got home from school I told him the good news. He said “I'm not moving anywhere” I told him “that's your choice to make but this new house is permanent and you cannot stay on with the refuge”

I went walking round the shops for empty boxes to get on with some packing, My youngest refused to come with me, he said “it's embarrassing” but not for his mother walking around in treacherous pavements in doc martins tho.

If only I had the thousands owing in maintenance for the new house then I would be sorted.

29^th November

I rang the court again, they said “we have received a money order for €286 and it will be sent to you this week and if he defaults by two weeks you can take him back to court”

Very heavy snow again. I got my eldest to start packing up his stuff. My youngest said he was tired. His bus was late going to school this morning and he was still miserable when he got home.

K rang to tell me she has a friend who lives in the street where we will be moving to who has told her the water has now been switched on at the house.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I have began to buy bits for the new house.

30^th November

Up at 4.45am feeling sick and I've got the runs again. My youngest got up at 6.45am, he said “I can't find my phone, have you took it” like I would even know how to use it never mind touch it.

The snow is very bad so I doubt the school will be open today.

1^st December

The streets are like ghost towns, hardly anyone is about. I went to Argos for curtains and curtain poles. I picked up some Xmas presents for the boys too because I'm going to be so busy getting us into the house that I won't have the time to think about Xmas. The buses have now stopped running so it's going to be an awful long slippery and freezing walk for my youngest to get home from school with a tonne weight rucksack on his back.

I rang him and told him to get a taxi home, it took 45 mins just to get him back and it cost me €20, the driver said “it's not my fault I had to go so slow” I told him he should have switched his meter off because he's taking the piss out of people and that trip normally costs €7.

I walked with my youngest to show him where the new house was, the snow was coming down so heavy we both looked like snow men. My youngest said “I hate the house and I hate the street the house it's in” I asked him “is there anything you actually bloody like” because his mood would drain the life out of the happiest of people. He said “no”

I walked to the sorting office as no mail is being delivered due to the bad weather. The queue was out the door so I had a very long wait. Two letters were for me, one was the money order from the court for €286 maintenance and an Eircom bill for €35.

I made dinner then went to bed because I had very little sleep last night but again I kept waking up.

I woke up to an email from the ex's email addy, it was sent at 23.45pm

" I received your bank details from your solicitor today. We're confused because we were under the impression the maintenance was to be paid via the court clerk.
I rang the office today and was told that we could pay it either way. Would you prefer us to pay your maintenance by Postal Order to court every Friday or lodge it directly into your account? There are delays with An Post at the moment because of poor weather so we're concerned about the possible time delays. Please can you confirm that you want the payments made directly into your bank account? I'd like you to understand that “my partner” is giving me every cent of her welfare to meet these payments. This means we can't pay rent or bills or buy food and if we don't receive aid soon we won't have the petrol money for the drive to the nearest Bank. If this happens I hope you will be content with me sending the payments through our village post office?"

He did not write any of the above at all, it's not his style, so how his “partner” got onto his email account to send me the above email is beyond me. I forwarded it to the solicitor by email saying " I do not want any communication from anyone using my husbands email account and pretending it's from him. The court order is very clear and I assume they can both understand the English language. It has to be paid directly into the Court. I know that if I do not reply to this email it will be used as a puerile excuse to not pay and put "their confusion" squarely on my shoulders. Please advise as I am not replying to this email"

6^th December

No postal delivery for two weeks now.

The Housing Officer wanted to come over and inspect the house for any possible damage before we left. There is no damage. My eldest went into a blind panic when I told him, asking me “where can I hide” I told him that I would explain to the woman and he could hide in the toilet then I could get him back into his bedroom once she had inspected his room. What a palaver this is.

The Housing Officer rang me at 3.30pm "been one of those days" she asked could she leave coming to the house until tomorrow now. My nerves were shattered because my eldest was in a panic non stop till I got her phone call.

I spent hours helping my eldest pack up his room.

When youngest got home he told me one of the teachers pulled him up today about missing Grinds for two weeks and he had a letter about it. It said the cost will be €20 each time. No chance, it would also cost me €20 in taxi's because they only run in the evening. I will look into Grinds at home for him, I cannot afford that on top of everything else.

7^th December

My youngest rang, he was waiting at the bus stop but no bus turned up and told me he was going to walk. I rang him at 9am, he'd just got to school and was okay, he said he didn't fall once but had slipped a lot.

Now it's lashing with rain, everything will probably come to a stand still because the roads and pavements are dangerous. I walked to the sorting office to see if they had any mail for me and saw the biggest queue I'd ever seen.

I went into Tesco to pick up some shopping and what would have taken me an hour took me four hours with walking so slow so I wouldn't fall.

I just got back into the house when M from the refuge rang me, it was not good news, she said I cannot get the house keys as Bord Gais are refusing to go to the house to get the heating up and running until the snow clears. I am not happy, all my packing's done and I need to get the keys to let the carpet men do the bedroom and the stairs. I asked M to ring and cancel the van man who was due to come on Friday. I rang Sky and told them to postpone cutting my connection because I have paid for it and the date for moving is now on hold.

I have my third Open University Assignment to do and get sent to my tutor.

I rang the court because no maintenance has been received, some bloke told me “you get paid monthly and you've just received maintenance” I told him “it's paid weekly and is court ordered to be paid every Friday” The man told me “wait two weeks then apply for a summons” I asked him “ how the hell is that going to feed my kids, pay my bills and it could take months to get a court date and I'm sick of going to court” He must have pulled out my file because he reminded me I am back in court on the 20^th of January. I told him “Xmas is three weeks away and my rent has gone up on the basis of me supposedly getting maintenance” He said “I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do” I hate these people. It's a court for Christ sake.

8^th December

I checked my bank account online and maintenance has gone thru, thank god.

T rang me asking if she could bring her new boyfriend to stay with me for Xmas.

10^th December

We should have moved today.

I went into town and bought a Xmas Tree, our cul de sac is like an ice rink, all schools are now closed and little transport is running. I won €18 on the Euro Millions.

I got a UPC letter telling me they are disconnecting me on the 26^th of December, I have paid up in full and they know I'm not moving now but they're cutting the service. I will go insane sitting in the house all of Xmas with no TV.

Had to knuckle down and get my Open University essay done and sent before the holidays.

13^th December

Call from the school “youngest has a strange rash and he is hot, can he come home” The Principal said “he's some man, he will not stop debating with me about a locked door” the poor man sounded exasperated. I said I would have a word with youngest. I did have a word with him but it was falling on deaf ears.

Edel from Gheel rang me, she said “I've been off work due to the severe weather conditions” She wants me to “help fill in a sensory questionnaire re eldest and I'll talk to the Psychologists about it” I asked her “have you contacted Dr Amitta Shah yet” she said “I told Consultant Psychologist Andy Mc Donnell and he said he wants to think about it” I asked her “what’s to think about, Dr Shah was decent enough to reply to me so it's rude of you not to get in touch with her now” What the fuck has it got to do with Andy McDonnell anyway. They are just ignorant bastards.

E from the refuge asked me if I would think about doing a piece for TV3 on Domestic Violence, it will be anonymous and it will help other woman as Domestic Violence always rises at Xmas. I will meet her tomorrow at 2pm in their Office.

Went to the doctor with youngest re his rash. He was told “it could be vascular or an allergy and the cost to find out will be €150” The GP told youngest “say Hi to your mum from me”

Something is so not right with my youngest, he lay down resting with his head on my lap on the couch for hours, I asked him “what's wrong son” he kept saying “I'm just tired”

I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am to another email from the ex's “partner” God give me fucking strength.

I told the boys their father was in hospital. They both said “he should have been sectioned many years ago” my eldest said “it's your fault because you should have done something about him years ago” My youngest said “I have to agree with eldest there” I am disgusted with the pair of them.

A TV reporter rang me to go over what I'll be talking about re Domestic Violence. She asked me “what would you say to anyone who has experienced DV” I said “walk away and keep walking, it's very hard to do but once you have you will feel peace when your head hits the pillow at night and you will no longer wake up and feel dread and fear and panic like a heavy weight is sitting on your chest as to what might be coming next if you stay in the DV relationship. You will eventually get back to being who you were but it's a long process but has to be worth it, you have to be worth that” She said “that's excellent, it's a pleasure to talk to you and you will meet the lady doing the TV interview at the refuge office”

All I said to the reporter is what I should be telling myself every time my sons treat me like shit.

My eldest is in a really bad mood. I got him gammon steak for a change for his dinner, it's only bacon that's thick and he eats bacon all the time but he didn't like it and apparently “you should know that because I've told you often enough” He may have done so in his head but the last time I made him gammon steak he ate it.

My youngest gave me a hug and I felt an awful pain in the left side of my breast, so much so I said “ouch” out loud, I never felt it before now. I had a feel of my breast in the toilet and I have two hard lumps in my breast, shit, shit and shit. My youngest asked me later if I wanted to go to the hospital, I said no, I told him I would make an appointment with the breast hospital because I should be getting a mammogram every year anyway so I'm slacking with my own health.

15^th December

I collected two weeks money for my eldest. He told me to “give it to youngest to buy Xmas presents” I told him “I've already given him money for presents and I'm sorted myself for you both” he said "why are you always arguing, just give it to him" Youngest went off to town, I was sweating for his safety till he got back. I wasn't allowed to go near his room because he said he was going to be wrapping presents for a couple of hours.

16^th December

Filming for RTE. The interviewer was a really nice lady, it was all in silhouette and they disguised my voice.

(After it was aired. T rang me in hysterics and said "Mam, even if I was in outer space I would still have known it was you" I am mortified) 

Email from the solicitor, she's been told by the ex's legal team that “he is ill and cannot deal with the maintenance or the divorce” I'm raging, all I thought was he has the cheek to be ill and not "deal" I'm always physically ill these days with stress and still have to "deal" with every thing no matter if I want to or not.

21^st December

Met a council man at the new house so he could give me the house keys, the snow's still very bad, but at least I got in and measured up for the carpets. I found a van man who also does odd jobs too for €40 an hour, he moved over two loads for me today. For someone who doesn't have much we cannot move in the house with boxes everywhere, the poor bloke had to drive really slowly on the roads.

23^rd December

Moving Day. I had to leave youngest alone in the new house with the Sky man as someone had removed the telephone line from the house so he had to go off and "activate the connection elsewhere"

The van man and his son brought my youngest home for me, they said they would just crack on with moving as much as they could for me till they got too tired to carry on.

Youngest was getting stressed out and having his usual go at me verbally. Eldest told him off which surprised me but then asked him if he wanted “a punch in the mouth” I told them both “stay quiet, I'm exhausted with all the walking back and forth I have done in the snow for the past two weeks and organising all this move and now I've hurt my back so I would appreciate some normality and peace”

I told youngest to go off in the van and leave me and eldest in peace to get more stuff down the stairs, we cleared all the bedrooms then I got stuck into cleaning upstairs, eldest was a great help this time round, we got completely stuck on the stairs with his heavy desk, that was how I hurt my back but I had a fit of the giggles at me and my eldest stuck on the stairs. Laughter is always the best medicine.

When the house was empty bar the cleaning stuff I needed it was just me and my eldest in the empty house.

He was tanked up on Xnanax so was fine but he didn't want to leave till he house “till it got dark outside” My youngest kept ringing me to update me with what was going on at the house and he said "I love you" my eldest said "he's probably copped on that he was being such a prick to you" I said “I want a new family going into this new house, I do not want to be evicted due to you and youngest arguing and fighting, I do not want threats of violence, I do not want any violence at all. I do not want people judging me in the street just because I'm a single parent so you and youngest had better not let me down, I don't ask for much and I'm telling you and will tell youngest I want nothing except a peaceful life from here on in” Eldest said “I know”

My youngest rang to let me know the cooker and the washing machine was fitted in by the van man so I rang a cab to take me and my eldest to the house. I had given youngest the money to pay the van man and had calculated I owed €300 for 5 hours work by the van man. There was no taxi available for over an hour due to the severe weather conditions. Eldest then started panicking, he said he was really nervous about going outside and said he needed another Xanax.

Once the taxi turned up I put all my cleaning stuff and my hoover into the boot and the driver didn't look a happy man at all. My eldest started chatting like a budgie to the driver asking him about a folk group. It broke my heart when he said to me "It's beautiful, so beautiful (the snow) so much better to look at outside than on a computer screen” He started talking about the only Xmas he always focusses on in 2005, he said “I want Dad to die a slow and very painful death, cancer would be good and I'm entitled to say this after all I've been thru” (he seems to always forget what my youngest and I went thru too) I shushed him as it was embarrassing in front of the cab driver who kept looking in his mirror at my eldest, he must have thought we were nutters.

Once at the house my eldest said “it's nice, small but nice and I don't feel a bad atmosphere or anything” My youngest, bless him, had been really hard at work, he had sorted his brothers bedroom for him. I was so grateful I said come here and I gave him a hug and told him “you are amazing and thank you so much” he just smiled and said "love you" again. It was so nice to be told and so nice to be helped.

At 8pm, I told my sons we had to eat because I was running on empty having been up since the crack of dawn and there was a chippy up the road so I would get us all something to eat then I would crack on with getting the house sorted. My eldest said he would come too, I was delighted then I felt stressed out in case he kicked off or got too stressed out walking in the street. He said “I'll be fine as long as I don't have to talk to anyone”

They both told me to take their arm so I wouldn't fall because I already fell once in the street today.

They waited outside the chip shop for me and I had a big smile on my face at the picture I wanted to capture forever more, there they stood side by side talking and laughing and I wanted that for the rest of my and their lives, it just felt like we were like a normal family today, we had all chipped in, worked together and all was good and peaceful even tho it had been a very stressful day.

After we had eaten I chased them out of the living room so I could get at least one room straight as I wouldn't have be able to sleep till I did it. I sorted the living room, it looked soul less because we have no flooring but I put the Xmas tree up and it looked more homely. I brought the big plank of wood I call a kitchen table from the other house so I was happy enough sitting at the table getting all my documents and paper work in correct piles after emptying many of the boxes. I love being organised, I suppose because my life is so chaotic. I felt dog tired but peaceful.

24^th December

I couldn't sleep last night. I suppose it will take a while to get used to all the new noises of a different house in a different area.

K came round and took me to the local pub, I hate pubs but it was great to have her company, she told me the best routes to get to everywhere and told me we are not that far from where I'm used to shopping either.

25^th December

I had to cancel T coming with her new boyfriend because I didn't want my eldest feeling stressed out because we only have a toilet downstairs and it would not have been be fair on him because he would not have come downstairs if a stranger was in the house.

My youngest and eldest opened up their presents, youngest said his phone "is awesome" my eldest loved all the books I got him but had no idea what an Apple TV was, I didn't either but it's a gadget so I was sure he would figure it out.

I made Xmas dinner early because it's my eldests favourite meal and we were still all wrecked and walking about like zombies. Eldest said “it was the best dinner I ever had" he always says that and I love that praise from him once a year. I asked him “do you fancy a walk later” he said “no because I feel too tired, I'm going back to bed”

I spent the next few peaceful days busy with getting the house organised. I wish I had the money to make this place a home for us but all is quiet which I am more than happy about.

31^st December

That is yet another year gone by now. I have been in a reflective mood, doing a lot of thinking. I've had the peace to think because there has been no crisis nor drama which is just fantastic. I now realise why it is, that women have children and men do not.

Eldest and I have done a lot of talking lately, mainly about history and politics. I have run out of phone credit, I have run out of money, I have run out of energy but my spirit is still high, thank god.

Me and youngest walked back to the old house to check the pipes had not frozen or burst and to get my fireguard, poker and loo brush. I posted a letter of thanks to the girls at the refuge and put it thru their office door.

On the way back I went to the Chinese to get the boys dinner, My youngest kept insisting he wasn't hungry but as soon as the order for my eldest was ready he guilt tripped me by saying "I suppose I will just have to eat cereal then" he can be a real manipulative bollix when he wants to be.

I felt emotional all day. I hate new years eve, I always have and I always will.

The weirdest thing happened today and I thought I was going mad. I saw an old photo of me and the ex on my kitchen wall but there is no such photo on my wall, if there was it would be on a dart board. How weird tho. I went to bed at 11pm because I decided I'm not staying up to hear the midnight bells ring and cry my eyes out this year. I said goodnight to the boys "Night night, god bless, love you, sweet dreams, see you the morrow” I always said this when they were little, it was my mantra when saying goodnight to them, they both laughed and said "night" to me. I love them with all my heart and hope this move means we all now have peace, love for each other and a good future.

My reflections:

I cannot explain what it's been like to have been “homeless” the past 5 years and 2 months so I am very happy that I have this house. How I went from being a joint owner of houses to none at all and no comeback re the ex doing this to us I will never know. All I do know is it's not fair, it's not legal and it's not just. I gave up any career to call my own to allow him to continue with his and he then gave up his career and became an eco warrier, a friend to tramps, scum and the great unwashed, unemployed and unemployable. He is utter scum to do that to his kids and his wife.

Thanks to whatever shit government that has been in power in this country I am a "carer" and get the grand sum of €102 per week to give up any life to call my own whilst saving this government apparently €20,000 per month as that is what I was told Nua Health Care would have cost. What would happen if I said bollix to this way of life and I took off, but a mothers love and guilt will not let me so the powers that be know they have women like me over a barrel, the shower of wankers. Who is going to remember me when my time is up on earth, no one.

I have no respect for any professional in this country at all, they feed you bullshit, use delaying tactics, call meetings then do fuck all, yet I presume they are paid for it. I know there is a family support plan that the HSE pay Gheel Autism Services for and I am sick of asking Edel from Gheel for a copy of it, she is a nice enough girl but fully trained in the art of deflecting and passing the buck and coming up with pure bullshit to not answer a single question and the HSE are a complete waste of space and believe they can do what they like and that they cannot be touched, they think they answer to no one but they do, they are tax payer funded and should be open and transparent but they could not give a fuck, not even when I was assaulted by my son and had the siege like situation for 4 hours with all the Garda from one station present in a Woman's refuge, you could not make this shit up and still they did NOTHING.

This path in life that I did not plan for or anticipate has totally changed me. For the better? I do not know as yet. I'm from a generation that was raised to show respect, deference, fear for those "above me" in "authority" who are "experts in their field" What I learned most of all is that I need the truth, plain and simple, I may not like it, I may not want to hear it but I need to know it.

If the "experts" the "powers that be" had told me from the get go that they were stumped, that they did not know what to do or how to help or did not have the resources and were as upfront with me as I am with them then I am convinced that this road I am on would have, hopefully been, completely different, it could have all been handled so differently.

At the beginning of all this I innocently believed that it was very simple, here is the problem, how can it be solved, if that does not work lets try something else but looking back it all became a battlefield that should never have occurred. I should have been supported, helped, all services should have been provided to help me steer thru choppy storms but they just were not interested at all. They were not at all interested in my eldest nor my youngest either, they were however great at making lists and putting experts names down on paper and stating what they could provide but it does not mean any of it was being provided. When I think of what that other County put me thru I'm still furious. When I think about Gheel Autism (jack shit) Services and the HSE here in Dublin I am again furious. They really could not give a shit. Not one of them.

I do know that for someone who was left with very little self esteem after leaving the ex, I grew to be a lion, a battle axe, a nuisance, a cling on for my kids and I'm proud of all the fighting for help, supports and services that I have done on their behalf.

There was no blue print as I did not have a mother myself, I did not grow up in any family at all and have been winging it the best way I could but my moral compass and my sense of duty and above all else the love I have for my sons has somehow carried me thru and I hope and pray it continues to do so, if I can get support to help me continue because I do know my physical, but more importantly my mental health is suffering. I do know that I've done everything I can to get us the help and supports that we all need to no avail.

It scares me going it alone in this house as I have no on site support of the refuge office any more.

I am glad this year is almost over and I hope that next year brings nothing but good for me and my sons because after all the shit we went thru since 2005 we deserve it, we really do.