I
had 4 hours sleep worrying about being my youngest going in and out
of the front door last night.
Eldest
was up too and in the living room reading. He said “you need to sit
down and not panic” so the first thing I did as soon as he said
that was panic and he started shouting at me. I told him “not
another shout had better come my way from you or you can get out of
the living room because I'm on my very last nerve” He said “sorry”
so I sat down. He said “I've found youngests Facebook and his blog
and he's writing on them that he's always suicidal and cuts himself
all the time” My panic started up again. I needed to get out of
the house because I couldn't breathe in it. I had no one to tell, no
one has listened to me so far, not the doctor, not the psychiatrist,
not the two Consultant Psychologists, not one person who are employed
by Gheel as support, what fucking support, not the psych ward or the
psych Psychiatrist. They will do fuck all because they all did fuck
all and he will end up killing himself or losing a limb and I cannot
sit and wait for that to happen. I will kill myself before I see my
son dead in front of my eyes, who the fuck could look at the photo's
he's uploaded and I've sent those photo's to everyone and not one
person gave a fuck, I want to know why they don't give a fuck, I'm
the only person who gives a fuck and not one of these so called
bastard professionals will help him, help us.
Still
no reply back from Geraldine Murphy or Andy McDonnell to my email to
them that included photo's of my youngests serious self harming, why
do they even have these jobs, why take these careers when they
clearly don't give a damn.
I couldn't believe what I was reading, my youngest has been lying to everyone. I sat and yelled and my eldest jumped up and left the room.
I couldn't believe what I was reading, my youngest has been lying to everyone. I sat and yelled and my eldest jumped up and left the room.
2nd
January
I
was downstairs at 6am when my youngest came down, he had a long
sleeve T shirt on and a pair of long Johns, every inch of his body
was covered up. He is very pale and I kept thinking, is he pale
because he's still cutting himself and losing blood.
There
is no one, absolutely no one left I can contact for help.
At
7.30am my eldest asked me “can you take me to the gym” I said
yes but needed to wait for the UPC man to come first. I told my
eldest at 11am to get ready to go to the gym and he told me “no,
I'm not going because I would not feel comfortable exercising in
front of strangers” I told him “the place will be empty” he
shouted “I'm not fucking going, why do you never listen to me”
I'm not happy with him, it was him who asked me to go. I'm sick of
all these mood changes, they happen so fast it always takes the wind
out of my sales. I asked him if he wanted lunch, “no I fucking
don't” came back in reply. And I've been left with no support and
dealing with these two on a minute by minute basis. It's enough to
make a saint a sinner. my eldest then said “I want you to go and
get me a bench press from Argos” then after an hour said “I don't
want it now” My head is spinning with his nonsense.
Youngest
went out slamming the front door at 3.45pm and returned at 5pm, he's
back to not talking to anyone and certainly not to me.
I
told eldest “from now on all I shall be making for both your
lunches is a sandwich, I'm sick of cooking and no one eating what I
make and dinner as usual will be at 5pm and if you're both hungry in
between you can sort yourselves out”
Once
I made the dinner my youngest returned from wherever he was and
eldest told him dinner was ready. Eldest came looking for me to tell
me “he told me he's not in the mood for chatting to me or anyone
else, he sounded contemptuous” I asked what he meant by that, he
said “he's talking angrily and is in an arrogant mood and has a
sneer and an angry look on his face” I said “maybe he had to go
meet someone at Gheel and they said the wrong thing to him because
that's what he gets like especially if someone has pissed him off and
he couldn't retaliate, no doubt it will be taken out on me”
3rd
January
Awake
at 4.45am, the lack of sleep is just ridiculous now. I let my dog out
the back door, the poor, poor dog is picking up the awful,
anticipatory atmosphere in the house, she crapped all over the
kitchen floor after she'd been out, the poor dog.
Youngest
didn't get up till 1pm then went out of the house at 2pm.
I
checked his room. Wads and wads of toilet paper in his bedside locker
are rock hard with his own blood, Jesus Christ almighty. I found a
receipt dated 17/11 from Xacto Heavy Duty Blades x 5 different sizes.
I was absolutely horrified and burst into tears, eldest heard me and
came running and wanted to know why I was in tears. He too was
disgusted and petrified, he said “he needs to be locked up for his
own safety” I replied “not even sectioning papers could get him a
bed in the psych unit to help him”
I
rang my GP, there was no answer, he has no voice mail set up.
I
typed a letter of complaint to Gheel.
Youngest
came back at 5pm and wasn't happy at all, he was making a lot of
noise and doing a lot of banging off the walls and stamping the
stairs as he went up and came down them and slammed his bedroom door.
I told him his dinner was ready, he said “so” I stayed quiet.
4th
January
Eldest
burst into my bedroom, he didn't even have the decency to knock on
the door, he was shouting his head off “he's just smashed a bottle
in his bedroom, why are you doing nothing about it” he called me a
liar when I told him I didn't hear any bottle getting smashed. Why in
gods name would I lie about it, I would be the first one thru a wall
if my youngest had done that. The inside of my head was screaming at
eldest to frig off and leave me alone because I'm wasn't even up out
of bed yet, no place has privacy in here. I said to him, “I have
ear phones in because I'm listening to relaxation music so I would
appreciate that you leave me until I get up” He called me “a
useless cunt” I said nothing. All I'm worried about is the picture
of those heavy duty blades my youngest has and how I find them and
how I get them from him. I don't really care about anything else at
all.
My
youngest left the house for 90 minutes, I paced up and down the
floor. I asked myself over and over who could I talk to about those
blades. I needed someone to care as much as I did, I needed someone
to give me an ounce of support because I didn't know what to do or
how to do it. I needed to get those blades from my youngest or I will
never know a minutes peace in my head.
When
youngest got back I could tell he was in another one of his, someone
has really pissed him off moods, he walked into the kitchen and threw
a screwed up €50 note straight at me which fell to the floor, he
had a look of absolute disgust on his face whilst looking straight at
me. I felt the same way I did last week, that this was the value he
thinks I'm worth. I was furious. I'm putting up with monstrous
treatment, disrespect, worry, fear, his vile foul mouth, his
insistence that everything is all my fault when it's not my fucking
fault at all, I've done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong except love
him, care for him, feed and clothe him, go without for him, fight all
his battles the past 19 years for him. That €50 note he screwed up
into a little ball and threw straight at me was the straw that broke
this camels back and I literally snapped and completely lost it in my
head.
I
thought to myself he can go ahead and do what he damn well pleases
from now on. He can go ahead and destroy himself like he's posted
online for the attention he wants from strangers but he ain't bloody
doing it under my roof any more, I don't need to put up with this
shit, I will not put up with this shit, he's made me very ill both in
my mind, body and spirit and I'm living like a fucking nun but not
like the nuns who abused me, hurt me, battered me, humiliated me
because I don't have it in me to cause any kind of pain towards
another human being. I've had enough of his crap and abuse and self
harming and disrespect to last me into another life time and I'm done
now.
I
took deep breath and threw open the back door to get oxygen in me.
He
went into the bath, I ordered Chinese for dinner, not for me because
all that my sons do and say always affects whether I have an appetite
or not and I have no appetite. I wanted to sleep and never wake up
again. I did not touch that €50 screwed up note that's lying in the
kitchen It can stay where it is for ever more for all I care.
5th
January
I
was in the park with my dog at 5am.
My
youngest was up and out the door at 10.49am, he came back within an
hour no longer covered up but showing any one who cared to notice a
long elastic bandage on his arm, he didn't have it on his arm
yesterday when he came out of the bath, my stomach flipped, the
eczema on the back of my hand erupted. He was smiling at my dog who
he always says he wants to kill. He never shows my dog any attention
at all. I know that smile is for my benefit. I know that's his way of
telling me, fuck you I'm still cutting. I felt very faint. I sent my
eldest a text about it and he came down the stairs to me.
I
rang my GP, no answer.
I
rang the psych ward where he was previously a patient. I talked to a
lovely young girl, I told her “I need help and I need it now or I
will be a patient myself this very day” I told her “I'm
terrified because he never shows his arms to anyone any more and I
know it's for my benefit” the lovely girl asked me if I could get
my youngest to go down to them for an assessment, she asked would he
go in voluntary, I told her “no and explained about him being an
inpatient for a week then getting sectioned but I was told there was
no bed for him” she said “that could not have possibly happened”
I said “please believe me it did happen and I have the signed
paperwork to prove it, it's a white and blue form and you can talk to
the Mental Health Team about it because they know all about that
happening” I said “maybe he just has the bandage on to stop
himself from scratching his scars” she asked “do you really
believe that” I said “no” She told me “him not
communicating with you tells me he's controlling the situation and
you really should call D Doc”
I
was in a terrible and upset mess, my eldest put his hand on my
shoulder, I told him “I have to go out and make a phone call” he
said “I'll come with you because you look very white” he then
said he had a bad headache. We walked round and round and round the
park whilst I waited on the D Doc nurse to ring me back. A nice lady
called Orla did ring me, I was rambling on the phone to her, asking
her questions then answering them myself, I was in a totally useless
frame of mind, I was back in pure panic mode unable to string even a
sentence together. I told Orla maybe he just bought the bandage to
stop him from scratching his old scars, I was making up stupid
excuses, we have many of those bandages in the house so he had no
need to buy a new one at all. Orla said she would get D Doc out to
him to at least talk to him.
When
I got back in the house youngest was making himself toast after being
asked by me if he wanted lunch and had said no. I know he knows what
he's doing, it's all mind games and mental torture with him.
D
Doc arrived at 1.30pm, a nice young man. I gave him the whole history
and told him “I can't carry on, I feel empty inside, not an ounce
of energy do I have left inside me and all the useless professionals
have done nothing” He said “sorry for your troubles”
D
Doc called my youngest down and youngest sat in the middle of the
stairs and told the doctor “no I will not talk to you in my bedroom
or in the living room” he said “she is a cunt” he said “I'm
on medication and have not cut myself since November, I'm not
suicidal at all” The very opposite of what the doctor had just
read where youngest posted on his blog and face book page about
cutting all the time and writing that he is always suicidal. The
doctor explained to youngest “self harm can have serious
consequences” youngest laughed when the doctor said that. The
doctor asked him “are you linked in with anyone for help”
youngest said “ Professor Fitzgerald but I've been given no follow
up appointment and none was offered because the Professor is a busy
man” he said “I've run out of Lustral” my youngest then showed
the doctor his arm and told him “I have muscle pain” the doctor
said “it will be repetitive strain injury” My youngest doesn't do
anything to get repetitive strain injury, that was the very first
bullshit lie youngest told Edel when I first saw a bandage on his
arm. The doctor asked him “are you at home all the time” my
youngest said “no I'm out taking photo's all the time” another
lie. The doctor asked him “what are your plans are for your
education” youngest told him all the plans he's been talking about
but doing nothing about for the past 3 years. The doctor told him
“your mother is completely stressed out, I've seen her and I've
spoken to her and she badly needs a break from all of this”
youngest said “she's more concerned about how she's seen” The
doctor said “if that was the case then your mother would just get
on with her life and would not be ringing us for help or get help for
you, she would just leave you to get on with it, you're an adult,
take some responsibility” my youngest said “I'm not responsible
for her” The doctor said “she's not responsible for you, you're
an adult, you're responsible for your own behaviour, for the abuse,
for the aggression, and as an adult you're responsible for how you
behave” youngest stormed off back to his room, he never did like to
hear the truth from anyone.
The
doctor came into the living room to me and said “I have to take
what he's told me and showed me at face value but self harm is
serious” I said “I bloody well know that and you should be
telling Gheel, my GP, the two consultant Psychologists and the
Psychiatrist at the psych unit because I seem to be the only damn one
taking it seriously” he looked surprised and said “your GP
knows” I said “off course he does but the man is a lazy twat and
I've told him that” He said “you must go and talk to the
Professor and tell him that your son has seen me and tell him all of
your son's behaviour and ask what his plan of action is for him, you
have the right to know this because he's living under your roof” I
said “they will let me know nothing at all because youngest is an
adult” the doctor said “he's not acting like a responsible adult
and you have the right to know because he's living with you and you
should be the last person who's kept in the dark and you must learn
to shout louder and make yourself heard because if there are parents
like you coping then all the professionals will do is keep the status
quo and I doubt you can carry on for much longer” I said “I
cannot carry on at all”
He
said “I will write it all in a report and I'll be sending the
Professor a copy of it to let him know exactly how I heard for myself
the way he talked about you and how life is for you”
He
then asked me “and how is it for you” and to my mortification I
cried like a baby in front of this young doctor, he said “you need
supports and you need a break, you deserve a break” I said “I'm
sick of hearing the bloody obvious, I've been screaming for that
since 2006 and I still ain't had it” I told him “I'm sending a
complaint to Gheel and others because no one will listen to me” he
asked me “who is the Disability Manager” I told him “I already
sent her a complaint by email but got Jack back in response” he
told me “never give up, you will be heard one day” I said “I
doubt it” and thanked him for coming out. He said “if your son
gets abusive at all just call the Garda, you don't have to put up
with anything you don't want to under your own roof and maybe that
will teach him a big lesson and if he cuts himself and you see it or
think it, don't bother calling anyone except an ambulance because you
appear to be getting nowhere with anyone else”
I
sent a complaint to Gheel by email
RE:
The **** Family
To
whom it may concern.
I
would like to make a strong complaint regards all of you involved
with my family since 2009 but specifically since six weeks ago to
present date.
For
two years now I have requested a copy of the “Family Support Plan”
from both your Dublin office and your Kildare office so that I could
see in black and white exactly what services my family were to be
provided with via the HSE, to date I have not once seen any Family
Support Plan signed by both Carol Doolan 2010 and Geraldine Murphy
Disability Managers .
Each
and every time I had any problem with either of my son's I was told
that given the stress I'm put through being a sole parent with no
other life simply due to the basic fact that I have two, now adult
son's with their own unique problems and difficulties means my life
is theirs and not my own, that I could contact the outreach number at
any time and be given support, this was all well and good until Edel
left. In any event you all know very well what my situation is
because in 2009 I personally handed Peter Byrne my own personal files
which were copied and eventually given back to me.
I
keep a daily journal of all who phone me, when they phone me and what
is said despite having a photographic memory for all that affects me
emotionally, I will not bore you with the minute details but suffice
to say I am not happy at all the way you have treated me, left me
without support and so my once very close relationship with my
youngest son is in tatters and will not recover.
Each
and every time I could see my son going downhill I informed the
outreach team, when I found out he had been drinking alcohol, cutting
himself, buying blades online and lastly the serious wound he
inflicted on himself whilst drunk I informed the outreach team, not
one person seemed to know what to do, yet I'm repeatedly informed
that all are trained and experienced. On paper you all may be but
not one of you have the experience that I have being here 24 hours
per day, I know my children better than I know myself, how can you
claim to be experienced when none of you live how we do, you all get
paid for what you do, you all clock in and clock off and get to live
your lives, you do not find yourselves at times living in a war like
zone, how could you, you do not live at home with your off spring who
have Aspergers Syndrome, you get to de brief and off load and have
peer support any time you need it.
I
took matters into my own hands when realisation dawned that my
youngest for the past year is probably Bi Polar like his father and
like his Grand Father, again I informed the outreach team, I should
have realised sooner as I lived with Bi Polar for 17 years with my
son's father but when you are lurching from day to day hoping to get
through the hours without one of your kids having a meltdown, calling
you a cancerous cunting whore, threatening you and your still sane at
the end of that day then you are grateful for small mercies.
I
contacted Andy McDonnell by email including the photo's I found of my
youngests latest wound dated 9th
December, the only reason I know he got that e mail is not because he
threw this worried mother a life line and said hold on, help is
coming, oh no, I got told by one of the outreach team, despite the
fact that I had in the same e mail informed Andy that all and any
happenings were told to Gheel as soon as they occurred, my reason for
contacting Andy were “He has extensive experience of working with
service users with a learning disability and/or an ASD who self-harm”
not an ounce of all that experience came my way to help my son.
Instead I had the outreach team tell me they had a 3 point action
plan not for a second taking into consideration that my youngest had
gone down so far that no one could by now reach him or talk sense
into him, even though I had told the outreach team five weeks
previously of what I had noticed and read, I was actually told that
it all sounded creative, poetic so who listens to a mother, the only
true person who knows her own son, his moods, his tensions, his
angst, his day to day living.
An
appointment was made for my youngest to meet Michael McCreadie, as my
youngest by now was not leaving the house, not leaving his room and
refused to speak to an outreach worker talking through his bedroom
door, I have no idea what genius thought my son would be up and out
the door to travel to Fairview when he would not attend the GP with
me to get his probably painful wound seen to, again I repeated all I
had told Gheel and Andy McDonnell and that I had involved the doctor
but that the man was a fool and a lazy one at that and had done
nothing in two days, Michael said he would contact the GP himself and
stress how serious it was, there was no follow up, no feedback and no
contact.
The
GP said he would send an urgent fax to a Dr Daly and then my youngest
would be referred for “obviously psychiatric help as he was a
danger to himself” no such fax was sent, I rang Psychiatric Mental
Health Team for three days and when my youngest out of the blue went
out of the house with a bag I panicked for his safety and called them
again who advised me to call D Doc and the Garda as he would not
respond to texts asking if he had taken the blades with him that he
had bought on line.
The
Garda came to the house and as my youngest had no trousers on they
could clearly see healed scars on his thigh which I only found out
about that week and informed the outreach team, the Garda had no
powers to do anything to help him and knew he was lying when he told
them “I do not know anything about any blades” because I had
printed part of his blog for them to read, they advised I called D
Doc which I did do, by now begging my youngest to get help, off
course as is the norm for me by now, I was public enemy number one
and called every name under the sun, you would think I would be used
to it by now but I never will be because this is my flesh and blood
who I gave birth to.
D
Doc and his driver both met and spoke to my youngest who presented as
formal, calm but anxious, would not show his wound to the doctor as
“not exposing my body to a stranger” yet is happy enough to
expose his body and his self-harm cuttings to the whole world via the
internet, he again claimed he did not “know what she was on about
re any blades, that she is just ridiculous, is a wretched, whorrific,
cunt” (not horrific) who does not care for him at all. When the
driver asked him why he does it and got no answer, the man said “for
attention like” and my youngest ran out of the house with no jacket
on in the pouring rain. D Doc said he needs help and filled in the
section papers for ***** **** at ** ******** hospital and informed
the Garda.
My
eldest and I went out looking for him, worried sick about him and the
potential he obviously has since February of cutting himself and
overdosing, we could not find him, my eldest sent a text to the
outreach team and got told they would keep trying to contact my
youngest by phone, at midnight my youngest walked in the door calmly
and declared he had been talking to the CEO of Gheel for the past two
hours who told him he was not suicidal, nor a danger to himself or
others and he has agreed to meet with Professor Michael Fitzgerald
the following Monday and that we had to leave him alone.
Firstly
Peter Byrne may be the CEO of Gheel but he never in his life spent
one minute with my child, secondly my son was and still is a danger
to himself as per his fresh wound and all the scars he now has for
life on his arm and thigh when he was completely unblemished before
starting to go downhill mentally in December 2011 and self-harming in
February 2012. I told this to the outreach person who placated me
with, it was probably said to get him calm and home and it worked,
didn't it.
I
am absolutely appalled that Peter Byrne could be on the phone to my
son which my youngest told me was two hours then one hour as told to
me by an outreach worker, has he an iota of what this mother was
going through in fear, worry and terror for my youngest child, could
he not get any message to me by anyone to let me know my son was
alive and well whilst I was out of my mind. It appears not even
though Peter Byrne has had my mobile number since 2009.
The
very next day I was informed that “Paul has agreed to be your
support today” the support call that came was not support at all,
the very opposite in fact, how getting my youngest sectioned was not
a good idea, (as if I was doing it for punishment, out of boredom, a
doctor assessed my youngest and sectioned him) that it could make
him worse, that he engaged well with the CEO of Gheel for an hour,
that the CEO of Gheel has 30 years’ experience. I informed Paul
that I know Peter, that I doubt that same experience has had him at
home like me for 24 hours per day with two adult sons with huge and
grave difficulties, as far as I'm aware I know Peter to be rushing to
meeting after meeting and not sitting in my position, I was talked
over. I told Paul how fearful I was the previous night and it was
disgraceful that Peter was talking to my son and could not let me,
the only person on the planet who loves him, know that he was alive
and well and coming home, I was talked over. I asked how am I going
to get through today and tomorrow, I'm terrified, please tell me
that, I was crying down the phone, Paul said it's only three days
and youngest has a real opportunity to get real help, I told Paul
I've had enough now, I have no capability in me to now cope, my
spirit is now completely broken, Monday is two days away, that I know
my youngest has bi polar and he needs help, Paul says meds and Bi
Polar will be discussed on Monday, I asked how it helps me at this
time, it helps said Paul because on Monday he will see the prof, the
HSE have to get moving on this. I ended the call as it was like
listening to a broken record. That conversation was on 22nd
December 2012.
I
also told another outreach worker how I felt.
23rd
December no supports call, no follow up.
24th
December no supports call, no follow up.
I
assumed because I was not informed that my youngest attended the
meeting with the professor but no one had the decency to fill me in
about anything, is my son Bi Polar? Is he on new medication that he
abuses on a regular basis as in Melatonin?
25th
December, no support call and, no follow up.
26th
December, no support calls no and follow up.
27th
December, five days after I told two outreach workers that I cannot
continue with this fear, terror and that I am not suicidal but that
it would be practical that I am no longer alive as I have nothing to
live for and the life I do have is not worth living and will never
change I get a voice mail asking to “catch up, see how things are”
29th
December after I sent email of complaint to my GP he rang me “he
has spoken to someone at Gheel, cannot remember their name, they
believe my youngest should be committed in the near future and I
agree” he said.
31st
December voice mail from outreach, I ignored it, there was no support
when I was desperate for it, “wants to catch up” they then ring
my son my eldests phone, they never have before to ask how he is,
“trying to catch up with your mum, you and youngest” my eldest
said mum has not heard from any of you in 5 days so has basically
washed her hands off you” he gets told “I will ring her at 2pm”
My
eldest and I decided my youngest must be now ignoring them and like I
told the outreach team my youngest will only engage with
professionals when he no longer has me at his beck and call.
2pm
voice mail “wants to clear up some issues that have arisen” there
would be no issues if people did their job, what they get paid for.
I
have two Gheel letters dated 2011 and 2012 explaining to anyone who
wishes to read just how stressful life is for me and how difficult it
is to cope and the very people who provided these letters don't give
a damn, so thank you for that.
I
have provided all to a politician so that this never happens to
anyone else in my situation but to date I know of no other person
with no family, friends or relations in this country and I have
searched high and low for years now.
My
son is a danger to himself. I have attached the latest from his blog
plus his receipt that I found this afternoon of the heavy duty blades
x 5 that he still has in his possession, isn't it lucky that you do
not get to personally see your own child rip his skin apart as I did
in February, isn't it lucky that you do not get to read first-hand
what he writes on his blog and his photo's, isn't it lucky that you
do not live my life at all.
There
are 5 large empty bottles of Southern Comfort in my youngests bedroom
plus small bottles too, all consumed over the past 6 weeks I assume,
not good for anyone on medication.
If
my son has been diagnosed with Bi Polar and I have not been informed
by any of you and so putting I and my eldest in potential danger I
will scream it from the roof tops, I have informed you since 2009 and
beyond what life was like for me and kids with a Bi Polar husband"
I
received no reply to this email I sent to Gheel
I
expected an explosion of abuse from youngest once the doctor had left
and sat waiting for it but it didn't happen thankfully. I'm hoping
the doctors words of him being responsible for his own actions have
got thru to him but I doubt it very much.
Eldest
came to me once the doctor had left and told me “a thought just hit
me. “I believe he knows exactly what he's doing and he put that
bandage on just for show to have you worried sick about him and it
worked” He said “he's definitely sick in the head and knew you
would be like a moth to a flame falling for it and he knew you would
call someone in about it and that tells me and proves to me that he
does want help so you have to quit pussyfooting around him and get
something down about it now” He then said “he probably wanted
something new to add to his blog too”
Not
one sound out of my youngest the rest of the day or night. I walked
to the local shop and picked up a bag of logs for the fire. I'm not
as young as I used to be because I couldn't carry the bloody weight
of them and had to ring my eldest to leave the house to meet me and
help me. I was praying he wouldn't say no. To my surprise he did come
and help me and he laughed when he saw the size of the bag of logs I
was trying to carry home.
6th
January
Can't
sleep again, was awake at 3.45am feeling totally wrecked.
The
first thought in my head was the conversation I had with Paul from
Gheel who talked over me re: a three point action plan for my
youngest including that he wanted to go back on a particular
medication and this would be discussed at the meeting with the
Professor that I was told nothing about, yet my youngest told D Doc
he had run out of medication. I am sick of the bullshit re so called
experts “we do not think it's good idea getting youngest sectioned”
“medication will be discussed with the Professor” “the HSE
will have to move quickly with this” “the
HSE have to get things moving now and will look into getting him his
own accommodation with supports” “he wants to go back on
Lustral, he said he felt better on them” So why has my youngest no
medication at all and what's happened to “the
HSE have to get things moving now and will look into getting him his
own accommodation with supports”
I
got up at 3.45am and painted all the wood in the bathroom and my mind
roamed and all I did was think. My youngest was
diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome which I now, hugely disagree
with. I've spent 19 plus years with my boy but 8 hours with Deirdre
from Gheel where my youngest had fully investigated everything to do
with Aspergers led her in my view up the garden path to giving him an
Aspergers diagnosis. My gut tells me he is mentally ill. I know he
cannot possibly be Autistic.
Every
action, reaction, retreat, defence, offence, everything about my
youngest is his father and that man I know is mentally ill, he just
hasn't been diagnosed with anything and all that ever came out of
that man's mouth was that everything was my fault.
In
February 2012 my youngest was diagnosed with a "personality
disorder" which is a mental illness. God
knows who's invaded my youngests body but that is not the son I love
and raised.
Youngest
was in and out of the house at all hours. I've not slept properly for
two full weeks now. I cannot and will never find mere words to
describe seeing my own child's previous unblemished beautiful skin
now cut to shreds, seeing his blood seeped mattress, finding wads of
bloody toilet paper dried rock hard with his own blood, how in god's
name he's not hit a vein or an artery I will never know, why it
started I will never know, he never even liked needles, how can he
cause himself so much damage and so much pain.
He
went out at 2pm with his checked jacket on and he was wearing a bow
tie, he looked like the Nutty Professor does in photo's. I wish he
was like every other lad his age, he will never fit it when he
actively goes out of his way to stick out so much then moans non stop
with vitriol about people staring at him. He came back at 5pm with a
new bottle of Bio Oil. I only knew because he put the bottle on the
kitchen worktop so that I would see it. It has been two weeks since
he last spoke a word to me. Christ knows what I'm going to do with
him and for him.
7th
January
Everything
should be back to normal this week re professionals after the long
holiday. I don't know how I'm still sane or maybe I'm not and I just
don't have anyone to tell me I'm not. My brain was running at a
million miles a minute wondering if any help would come, if this will
all end, if someone, somewhere will give a shit. We shall see.
The
lady from Cross care sent me a text, she's back in work if I would
like a chat.
My
youngest went out at 2.23pm, He spoke to me “have any letters come
for me” none had. My eldest told me “I heard him on the phone to
someone before he left” He took his laptop with him. He got back
at 6pm.
8th
January
My
eldest wanted the living room on his own so he could read, he told me
he got the latest episodes of Revenge for me to watch. I watched them
in my bedroom till he was finished with the living room.
Email
from Sinn Fein office asking for my telephone number.
Eldests
power supply for his computer died. He ordered a new one on ebay for
€60 using my card. He said “I'm not too bothered about waiting on
it getting delivered because I have all my new books to read but I
don't want to hear your voice once today because it's too hard for me
to concentrate when anyone is talking” Another **** male that
wishes I was mute.
9th
January
Youngest
has deleted his blog, I checked it at 4am because I woke up and
couldn't go back to sleep. On his face book he wrote that he's “going
to London” Took my dog for a walk. What the hell has my life
become, what was it ever as I sure as hell don't know any more.
Youngest went out at 2pm and returned at 5pm.
Eldest
asked youngest if he wanted dinner, he replied no. Eldest told me
“he sounds down, apathetic” (whatever that means) All I thought
was if he goes downhill again when he's not even come up from his
last episode I will go criminally insane. He went into the bath and
was complaining to eldest that he had to pay for three tablets on
prescription that D Doc left for him. I'm raging at Gheel, I clearly
remember Edel telling me “that's what we're here for and it will
take some pressure off you if we collect their medication” it looks
like they've done shag all as usual.
I
received an email from my ex's now ex girlfriend regards my
lambasting I do not give a crap who he shows it to email that I'd
sent him
“Anne,
he
promised he would inform you of what his diagnosis is. For the sake
of your youngest. He might yet. I don't know how he has left it so
long, or how he can sleep at night. In May, when he finally abused
me to the point when I thought my life in danger. You need to know
this and it is wrong of me not to tell you if he wont. I was informed
by his doctor that he has a co-morbidity of borderline and anti
social personality disorder. I wonder if he poisoned your head full
of rubbish about me as he did to me about you. Surely, my word in
this email is in some way legally binding, I would be screwing myself
over here if any word of it was a lie. I am trying to break free from
your husband, who I still love but no longer know why. You are trying
to help your sons. I am not heartless, I think I owe you the
information I have, at the very least. I am scared of him though. I
just no longer believe his lies about you. I am disgusted with him
re: his sons. Horrified too Keep kicking ass for your sons, and I
hope, for yourself too. Stay safe and strong, I wish nothing but good
things for you and your sons. Truth is out now, Anne. His doctors,
nurses, even a couple of his 'friends' know what he did to you all.
Mother's like you are sadly rare in this world which is what shook me
out of the impression I had formed of you, due to his lies and
manipulation. That said, there is actually one thing you have in
common with me, as different as we are, as strong as you are even
though you don’t feel it now, is our passion for truth, for me
there is nothing more important than Truth, with a capital T. I
have been worried about telling you the following information because
I didn't want to frighten you and saw no real reason to because he
showed no sign of
interest at
all at the time. Do you live in ***********? I really hope you don’t
because if you do, he does know. If you do and you no longer have
restraining orders against him, get one asap, he roared, "I
will stab that woman if I ever see her again" I am completely
broken up right now, as now I really see I gave my heart to a
psychopath. If you need me to speak to guards, I will. Stay safe. I
do believe he is a danger to himself and others and has publicly
displayed this, therefore he should be in a closed environment. I
tell you this, Anne. Never. Ever. Look Back. Stay Out. And, it wasn’t
a knife he had, it was a Stanley blade. Anne, protect yourself. Trust
your gut. You have three people to keep safe. He is psychotic and I
honestly believe will kill himself someday soon, just don’t want
him to think of bringing anyone else with him. He is unstable with
nothing left to lose and knows his mask is off with all the
professionals”
My
god almighty, so there I have it and it gave me no pleasure at all.
All I can see is a picture in my minds eye of a DNA structure
spinning round, like you see on the tele. All I can see is my son's
DNA and that mad bastards genes running thru my poor kids. My poor
kids had no chance at all and I have ruined their lives by meeting
and marrying that man. How could I have not seen and known how mad he
was, I wasn't a child, I was 30 years old for Christ sake. I cannot
straighten my thoughts to put them into words, I feel deranged but
not with anger, only with fear for my kids.
I've
received many emails from his ex girlfriend which I've ignored and
she does sound genuine enough but my instincts are screaming.
10th
January
I
found the receipt for the broken record player I bought for my eldest
for Xmas. I couldn't work out why I couldn't find it but realised my
youngest bought it with his card and I had given him the cash for it.
So the receipt is in youngests name. Eldest sent his brother a text
telling him he needs him to get the original delivery number so it
can be sent back because Mum needs the money. No reply from youngest.
Sinn
Fein office rang me, they are going to speak to their Minister for
Health and get me answers re the Family Support plan from the HSE and
Gheel.
Went
up to Tesco, it was teeming down with rain, I got soaked. Collected
youngests prescription, he got out of bed at 2pm, he's still hasn't
answered eldests text to get Amazon sorted out so I can get the
record player sent back. He lifted the Lustral meds I collected for
him and not one thank you out of him. He left the house at 2.30pm.
He came back at 5pm. I was in the loo and eldest was roaring because
he was reading in the living room when youngest came storming in thru
the door in an awful mood slamming the front door as hard as he
could. I jumped at hearing it. Eldest told his brother “I put the
Amazon receipt on you're computer desk, it will only take you one
minute to find the delivery number so it can be sent back tomorrow”
youngest started screaming “stay the fuck out of my room” and he
lifted the receipt that was on his computer desk shouting “fuck
your receipt, you two cunts are getting nothing done from me” then
he threw a €50 note on the drawers, the other screwed up €50 note
that he left in the kitchen that I hadn't touched had disappeared so
he must have taken it back. My eldest was now screaming “I'm going
to fucking slap him, I'm going to fucking kill him” My heart was
racing.
I
lifted the €50 note and told my youngest “no amount of money in
the world will allow me to live like this for another second, I've
had enough so start packing and do it now, I know you're going to
London today because you wrote it on facebook so pack what you can
carry and get the hell out of my house, I do not need to put up with
this crap from anyone, you're obviously not happy living here so piss
off once and for all” He lifted his €50 note and went up to his
room and was immediately posting on face book “she works for a
fucking homeless charity and is throwing me out, it's all a bluff”
I
do what I always do in a crisis. I started cleaning and hoovering.
In between I shouted up the stairs to him “you're on a count down
of five minutes to lift that receipt and get what I need for Amazon,
do what you've been asked to do or get out of the house” He shouted
down to me “I don't have internet to get you what you need” he's
a liar and I told him so and asked him “how were you managing to
post on facebook not two seconds ago” Every minute that went by I
told him he had x amount of minutes left. He shouted “I'm packing”
I told him “time is running out and you've crossed the line for the
very last time, no more abuse will I take from anyone”
I
told my eldest I needed to get out of the house, my palpitations were
really bad and my heart was audibly beating in my ears. Eldest came
with me and he didn't pause for breathe telling me “you will bottle
kicking him out, he knows that you always give in to him, he doesn't
think you will do it, he doesn't give a shit about you, when are you
going to toughen up when it comes to him, he knows that you'll do
nothing at all, he thinks you will calm down and all you will be is
back to square one with him, have you no respect for yourself, no
wonder no one has any respect for you” I stopped in the middle of
the park and told him “look right into my eyes” he did. I asked
him “do you want to start packing too because every person alive
has their limits and I just reached mine, you only know me as your
mum, I'm actually a person and yes it might take me a very long time
to blow but by god once I do, no one will forget it. I'm a bloody
human, not a saint. I'm constantly in fight or flight mode and all I
do is flee and you're both going to kill me with the stress so shut
your mouth and leave me alone to think”
We
walked back into the house. Youngest came down and asked me “do you
have a duffel bag” I never owned a duffel bag in my life and told
him “no I do not” It was now 8pm and I was about to blow a
gasket. I was shaking inside and out, my head was pounding as if it
had a very painful pulse inside my head, my heart was racing, I was
pacing up and down to rid myself of excess adrenalin, I was talking
aloud, asking no one at all why the hell does he treat me this way, I
know someone has got to have pissed him off big time but he has no
balls at all to deal with anyone like any man would do but can walk
into my house and think it is perfectly okay to explode at us, at me,
he causes ructions for no damn reason because we have no clue why it
has happened, he sets my eldest off who then gives out his threats of
giving him a slap, wanting to kill his brother, my youngest made my
nerves so bad I could no longer think straight at all and all this
over a fucking delivery number I needed.
Eldest
sat in the living room as I paced up and down, he reminded me “he
thinks you're bluffing” I was like a volcano about to explode. I
went up to my youngests room and he'd barricaded the door, not with
furniture but by sitting on his chair in front of the door, I said
“not in my house you don't” and put my shoulder to the door and
got it open. I told him “move, get out, I meant what I said and no
more will I be talked to or treated like shit by you, you can go
terrorise someone else but I doubt you'll do that because everyone
else gets your best behaviour don't they” He pressed a button on
his phone and said to someone in a very calm voice (pity they didn't
hear him screaming at me earlier) “she has just barged her way into
my room and is screaming at me to get out” I hadn't once screamed
but now I did do so for the benefit of whoever was on the other end
of his phone “I have had enough of you, get out of my house now, I
am done”
I
rang the Garda at 9pm and told them I need help to remove my son from
my house or I will go insane tonight because I can't take any more
and I want him out.
Two
Garda came round and I told them all that happened then told them I
don't need any reason at all, I just need help to get him out of my
house because he will not go voluntarily” The lady Garda said “God
you are very stressed” I told her “the past almost 7 years but
the past 7 weeks are what has tipped me over the edge” and I
shouted “get him out of my house” The young male Garda went up
the stairs and was talking to my youngest, I heard him shouting at my
youngest “she is your mother” and my youngest shouted back “she
is no fucking mother of mine” The young girl Garda said “we have
no powers” I said “you better find some, this is my house and
he's not welcome in my house so get him out of it” I have never
been rude to the police in my life but for fuck sake, no more, enough
is enough, is enough, is enough. She told me “I'm ringing Peter
Byrne of Gheel” I told her “don't waste your bloody time, that
man is an arsehole and of no use to man nor beast and has done fuck
all to help my eldest son and fuck all to help my youngest son from
slicing his own flesh apart” I held up the photo's of my youngests
self harming, she said “Jesus Christ in heaven, he never did that
to himself” I said “oh yes he did and that twat you're going to
phone did fuck all about it” She said “let me try and ring him”
they were on first name terms which struck me as odd, she went
outside to talk to him on the phone. When she came back in she said
“I'm sorry I've just been told Gheel have no beds and that you and
youngest have a personality clash” I hit the roof on hearing that
and shouted at her “that the man is a fucking liar and no one alive
will get to make up bullshit or tell lies at my expense, my son has a
diagnosed mental illness, a personality disorder, he's an adult, this
is my house and I cannot and will not cope” The girl didn't know
what to do. I told her “when I start screaming I will not stop and
it's going to be 7 plus years of pent up horror and I don't care what
happens next but my youngest will be out of my house tonight and I'm
going to record all that's said from this moment on”
She
went off to talk to the young male Garda and they told my youngest
together “mum's insisting you leave and it's her house so give her
one nights break because we're now more worried about her than you,
get yourself into a bed and breakfast for the night, put some space
between you, give your mother peace, her nerves are completely
shattered, she's on the edge now” my youngest laughed, he fucking
laughed his head off. If I could have got to him I would have thrown
him out of his window and accepted all consequences. He told them
“I've no money for a B and B. My eldest called out “He has got
money because he took back the €50 that mum would not take from him
earlier” The girl Garda told him “leave your mum in peace for
one night and come back tomorrow after everyone has calmed down, your
mum really cannot take any more”
My
youngest left at 9.30pm with a bag and he was still laughing. He has
got to be mental.
The
girl Garda told my eldest “put a chair under the front door and
don't let him back in the house tonight, something is definitely
wrong with him and if he starts banging on the door then just call
the night shift because I'm going to inform them anyway” She asked
“is a social worker involved with the family” I told her the
history about that. She asked for the Disability Managers name and
number, she said “I will call her personally and the family doctor
too because I think it's an absolute disgrace you have all been left
like this with no help” she told me to “get a barring order” I
said “I can't because he's not violent with me” she said “he
doesn't need to be violent, it covers all kinds of abuse being a no
go area and his verbal abuse alone will be enough to get one and you
should have done it a long time ago and all it will mean is the next
time you call us we will take him to the station and give him a cell
for the night” They left.
I
was so sick with nerves that had gone haywire yet still worried about
him and for him but for Christ's sake I honestly couldn't take any
more.
Whatever
made him explode like that when he walked in here at 5pm should never
have had him take it out on me and my eldest. Why should I be at the
receiving end of all his shit, because I'm his mother, I don't
fucking think so, not any more. I couldn't lie in bed because I was
scared shitless as to what he would do next to himself, in case he
was ripping himself apart and bragging about it on face book, my head
was pounding, my face was swollen with crying almost non stop the
past 7 weeks. I don't eat at all any more, I live on snacks because
I always feel sick with no appetite at all and I felt sick, my eldest
told me to eat a banana, he said he was wrecked so he went to bed.
All I wanted to do was sleep but I knew it would not come.
I
went onto my youngests face book page, even tho I've had him thrown
out for my sanity I still needed to know he was okay. I found out
that he was indeed planning on leaving today anyway, it seems he just
wanted to leave with a big bang.
“I
need more long sleeve button ups before going to London. It will take
to long to order them online. I do not like going clothes shopping. I
planned to leave today. This is quite the predicament” “This
is what I want” “I get to go away, I get to disappear” “I get
to see people I love, and away from some I don't” “I'll be able
to start again”
He
posted a screen shot of a text message he got from Gheel: "Gheel are not in a position to provide overnight accommodation. Might I advise accessing a homeless service in Dublin city centre or in your own area" They should
try reading the shit they post on their own website that they provide
a holistic service for clients and families. Crock of lying shit.
He
posted a photo of what looked like a bar in a pub or a hotel.
I
wrote a letter directly onto his face book page because he left his
old net book in the house, he needs to see sense, he needs to realise
Gheel do not give a toss about him. No one does except me and I am
not his frigging enemy.
“This
is your Mam: You were sectioned Xmas week but you ran away and they
had no beds at the hospital. We had no Xmas due to your actions of
buying Stanley type blades x 5 online and cutting your own flesh to
the fat and refused all medical attention, intervention. My name is
not cancerous cunting whore. I have not had sex in any way shape or
form for the past 7 years when I left your father, due to being the
full time carer with no other life to you and your brother. Yes you
have High Functioning Autism but you were also diagnosed with a
mental health issue of a Personality Disorder when you voluntarily
entered a psychiatric hospital on my birthday last year after they
had refused you entry on 9th Feb when you originally slashed your
whole arm. Have you any clue at all how a mother feels on seeing her
own child self harm on a regular basis, how every sound and squeak
she hears makes her heart race so much so she is having Cardio tests
at the local hospital. Do you know how mortifying it is having to
call the Garda on a regular basis to your home just to ensure your
own child is safe. Do you realise how you changed from being my
"baby" to the stranger you now are, the foul mouthed,
torturous, threatening person you have become. You disappeared at
2pm, you returned at 5pm, pissed off for what ever reason and the
only words out of your mouth were, "fuck you, I am doing fuck
all for any of you" I warned you Gheel were are "pay up
front service" and would dump you if they got nothing for you,
for you to see reason, that your life was a daffodil field compared
to some. I do not know who you are, only that I have had enough abuse
to last me this and the next life time, you are so very foolish, were
loved, are loved but you fight this with all your being. I am not
your enemy, your mental illness is. I offered to walk every step for
help with you, you refused. You broke my spirit, my heart, only you
can help you now. I am always here, look around and you'll find me
there, but no more verbal or mental/ emotional abuse or blackmail, I
am too ill, tired and weary for any more. I love you, I always have
and I always will but I cannot help you with self harming, with any
mental illness, I am only a Mam, not a Psychiatrist. I leave it up to
you. Mam x”
Nine
minutes later he deleted his face book account and sent me a text
telling me to get off his net book. I went to bed as dizzy as hell in
my head and couldn't sleep, non stop crying again. I started praying
again.
11th
January
My
friend rang, all I could do was cry down the phone to her. I was
still on the phone with my friend when a car pulled up outside and my
youngest got out of it. I told my friend if no apology came out of
youngest at all then he's not staying and I will launch him out the
front door because I'm now a complete basket case.
Youngest
completely ignored me. I would have thought that one night spent on
his own would have made him cop on and realise what he did have, not
what he doesn't have, would have made him realise just what he's
become, made him realise what an adult world is really about without
his mother in it. It looks like he realised nothing whatsoever. I
knew by the way I felt that I was going explode at the drop of a hat
and because I rarely lose my temper I was absolutely terrified as to
what I would do. He's learned no lesson at all so he's not staying.
My
eldest took one look at my face and said “lets get out of here”
we walked to the local shops. I went into the Opticians because my
eye looked like someone had punched it. I was told it's a burst blood
vessel, I've no idea how it happened. I cannot remember one thing
that my eldest said to me, my mind was a blank.
I
went for a lie down when we got back but I told my youngest I wanted
his key because he's not staying because not one apology did he come
out with. He completely ignored me. I was praying again for no drama.
I'm a menopausal woman for Christ sake and do not need the boys
horrific mood swings on top.
At
5.30pm my youngest went out the front door slamming it as hard as he
could. I asked eldest to look out of the window and he said “he
got into a red car” I said “I doubt Gheel found him a place to
stay as quickly as that even tho I've been trying to get you both
rehoused with supports for 2 years now” I told eldest “he posted
on Face book that he was going to London but that was dated the 9th”
My eldest said “I believe he has a very bad and destructive mental
illness if he can do what he's doing to himself and say what he's
been saying to you and uses the cunt word at every opportunity and
look how he reacted to that little girl that was here over his DS”
I told eldest “I know, but no fucker listens to the only person in
the world that truly knows my youngest”
I
howled like a wounded animal because that's how I feel, wounded, soul
deep.
I'm
worried sick about how he'll cope alone, I'm heart broken and totally
confused how all this drama and strife for years now has rained down
on us from a great height and kept pounding us. I'm hoping and
praying that he gets help, that he finds peace, finds what it is he
needs and is looking for, that he finds happiness and becomes “my
youngest “ again. I hope and pray that I've not lost him forever, I
hope he realises one day that his Mam loved and adored him but I
doubt he will. I see now that he's his father and his grand father
and has been all along, nature won over nurture. There is no way he
will ever think about my pain, suffering, anguish and mental and
physical health when he doesn't even think about his own, he could
not care less about his own so that will be me out of his picture,
his history will be re written, just like his father did and he will
close the door to his mum for good and tell all kinds of horror
stories about me but all he will be doing is holding a mirror up to
himself of all that he said and done. I know the story so well now I
could have and should have written it. It's just the male side of
their history all over again. His worse nightmare came true, he
became his father. I'm far too drained and tired to even think, no
that is incorrect, my thinking is keeping me from getting any rest at
all, I do not want to think.
I
wrapped myself in a blanket on the couch and watched Love Actually,
my favourite film. My eldest asked me if I was alright, that in
itself is unusual so even he knows my heart's been ripped to shreds
and will never recover. I told him the truth “no I'm not alright
and I never will be again” He left me to it. I cried watching my
favourite film, I cried listening to the music on the Love Actually
CD my youngest got me for Xmas and I cried all night in bed. I
suppose it had to come out because it can no longer come out in my
body. My body is wrecked with migraine, arthritis and eczema, it's
just wrecked with stress. I just want my baby back as he was, the
gentle, kind, loving, sensitive, always smiling, polite and helpful
son I had and I do not know where he's gone to. But I know I will
never see that treasured child he was ever again.
12th
January
Eldest
came to the local shops with me and into the cafe, we had to leave
because all I did was cry and cried walking home. He told me “you
need to go and see the doctor” I said “it's not a doctor I need,
it's the baby I had that I want back, the way he was before his viper
mouth and twisted abusive personality. Why in Gods name have you both
done all you did to me, did I deserve any of it, why was it me that
got it all from you both when I've done nothing but love you, I could
have just got on with my life but you both had me hypothetically
strangled no matter what I tried to do to better myself thru
education, thru volunteering, I had to quit two college courses, I
could have stayed in the same place and made good friends. I always
did make good friends but I always put you two first, always gave in,
moved on in an attempt to get you help, look at me, look at my life,
look at my family, my non existent family, what did I do wrong to
deserve any of the abuse you both heaped on me for years, did I abuse
you both, did I go out having fun, did I bring back a stream of men
into the house, did I do anything other than run after you both
getting anything you wanted me to get, you have both run me ragged,
wore me out, wore me down, answer me, did I deserve this” my eldest
said “no” Then he said “let him have his break, he won't be
able to do or say all he has done anywhere else. I said “ if he
had been sectioned when D Doc sectioned him then he would have been
helped with all his problems and be on an even keel now and safe”
My eldest told me “stop torturing yourself” I can't. That would
only happen if I had a lobotomy.
Paul
at Gheel rang me. I wasn't friendly. I lay the blame totally with
them because support might have kept me afloat. I asked him “what
do you want” he said “Patrick (not him) is so very sorry for you
because he knows your heart must be broken to have put up with all
you did for years with no life of your own and for it to have ended
like this” I ranted and raved about my youngest not being helped in
this country by anyone. Paul said “your family are unique because
you got more support than anyone else” I almost internally
combusted but Paul quickly changed it to “you're in a unique
position because Gheel know of no other woman with your personal
circumstances” I said “you are all a shower
of inept bastards who should not even be given a job of cleaning the
fucking streets never mind what you're all paid to do, my son has a
mental illness and you all did fuck all to help him” Paul said “I
didn't know he had a mental illness at all, I will tell Peter” I
said “the only thing you can tell that useless bastard is I'm still
waiting on a reply to my email of complaint and I know he's read it
and he should know by now that I will never give up until I have
answers, that man has ruined my family with his lack of supports and
services, he has ruined my life and my life was my sons and he has
fucking ruined it, destroyed it” Paul told me “there is nothing
on his file about having a mental health issue” I said “I did
everything you lot could not do, so you're telling me now that I
should have updated your bloody files too, I'll find the paperwork
and scan them and send to you directly because I find it very hard to
believe that Gheel know fuck all about my youngest having a mental
illness, the psych ward sent you lot a fax with his discharge paper
work yet I had to hound that psych ward for a copy of it for my son
and myself, it's on his medical report so what the fuck is going on”
Paul said “youngest saw the Professor but he only wanted Peter
Byrne in with him so I've no idea what was said or what took place”
He said “not one person in Gheel has said anything about him having
a mental health illness or read it, it's no where on his file at all”
I couldn't believe it. He said “yougest ceased all contact with us
once he'd seen the Professor (just as I predicted and no fucker would
listen to me) and I don't see him ever agreeing to meet with any
professional at all anywhere because he's very secretive and only
allows others to know anything on a need to know basis and I'm so
very sorry you had no supports because I believed the out reach team
were always in contact with you when I was off, can you meet up with
me on Tuesday, Darragh Byrne is back now from leave and I'll ask him
to find out about the diagnosis of mental health because we genuinely
didn't know or we would have acted accordingly” Paul carried on
chatting but I didn't want any of his chit chat now or ever again. I
told him “go away”
13th
January
I
didn't bother getting dressed. I cleaned my youngests room, it's a
disgrace, rubbish every where, bottles everywhere. I bagged as much
rubbish as I could, I filled five black sacks. To see all those wads
of toilet paper containing his blood which were now as hard as bricks
turned my stomach. I feel dead inside, this is my baby, the closest
child I had to my heart. I do not want the abusive man he's become
but I do want my my baby back, the son that he was.
I'm
now so drained with all info emails the ex's ex girlfriend is sending
me.
14th
January
Paul
from Gheel rang me. He said “I will inform Martin about your son
having been diagnosed with a mental health illness and will update
the rest of the staff too, including Andy McDonnell and Michael
McCreadie” I said “why, my son is gone” Paul said “he may
come back” I said “he will never come back to me, you sure don't
know my son, all you see and all you lot are consumed with is the
Autism, you do not know anything about my son at all” He said
“sorry, I genuinely did not know about the Personality Disorder,
there is not a mention of it is on his file” I said “I fucking
told you all, do you think I just plucked it out of fresh air, do you
think all I did was make it up” Paul said “all would have been
dealt with differently had we known” I said “that is bullshit,
you all knew because I told you all myself and anyway is the fact
that my youngest was self harming and writing online for the world to
read what he was doing, posting his self harming photo's for the
world to see, me telling you myself what he was posting for the world
to see, him buying Stanley knife blades and cutting himself so deep
that you could see the cubed fat beneath that cut and posting that
photo online not a huge fucking massive give away that my son was
mentally ill, you all make me sick and if you hear anything about my
youngest at all let me know because I'm the one who gave birth to him
and raised him and loved him and took care of him all these years and
I will be the one who buries him if he ends up dead, he is still my
son even if I no longer know who he's become” Paul said “off
course I'll let you know” Paul said “Darragh is back and asked
do you want to meet up” I said “no I bloody well do not and get
all your colleagues told that I still have my eldest son with the
same damn Autism at home and he too takes all his angst out on me and
has been violent to me in the past” he said “I will and won't
forget”
Darragh
Byrne rang me. He said “I'm gutted for you about youngest and I
don't know how you must be feeling but I can imagine and appreciate
because I'm a father now myself and anything I can do to support you
during this awful and difficult time I will personally do so” I
said the same thing to Darragh that I said to Paul “if you hear
anything about my youngest at all, let me know as I'm the one who
gave birth to him and raised him and loved him and took care of him
all these years and I will be the one who buries him if he ends up
dead, he's still my son even if I know longer know who he has become”
He said “I have not heard anything but I'll let you know as soon
as I hear anything at all and will make sure all staff know and
provide support for you around all this happening and around your
eldest” He asked me how the divorce was going, I told him about
the ex's ex girlfriend and her warning to me about the ex, Darragh
said “I will come and get you and take you to the Garda with the
emails you have as proof of all threats from the ex on your life”
My
youngest is in my head 24 hours a day. Why did he not wake up and
realise what he was doing to himself and to me and get help. I got
him enough help, why did he not accept it, why did he have to crack
up over some idiot girl who did not give a crap about him, why did he
have to take it on on himself and on me so viscously and badly and
hurtfully. Why did he not come to his senses. Why has all this
happened when I tried so hard to get him help. Why am I the enemy,
why am I always the enemy.
15th
January
Darragh
Byrne went to the Garda with me with the warning emails sent from my
ex's ex. The Garda I saw could not give a shit, he hardly looked at
the email that said “I will stab that woman the next time I see
her” he was uninterested and disinterested so I told him “I want
it recorded that I've attended this station in one of your side rooms
and if anything happens to me at my husbands hands or knife because
I've been threatened and have a witness sitting beside me now who
will make sure that all relevant people are informed” The Garda
said “I will check out your ex and see what's on file about him and
will make a note that you've informed us” He asked “why would
you be worried about someone who lives so far away from you, we
cannot do anything because your ex and you do not live together” I
said “that's nonsense and you should know the law being a Garda”
He told me to “dial 999 if you need to” The Idiot. Darragh drove
me back to the house, he said “I could not believe that Garda's
attitude at all” He came into the house with me. I showed him my
youngests medical report where it states “personality disorder”
and the beautiful Mother's Day Card words he wrote to me only one
year ago. I raged at him for Gheels lack of knowledge, expertise,
help, supports and services. Darragh didn't have a lot to say back. I
told him “I need to inform Disability” he said “don't do
anything yet” I said “I have to because I get carers allowance
and I've checked online and rang them and got told that if my
youngest was gone for 2 weeks then I'm not entitled to carers and
need to inform them” Darragh said “it probably happens all the
time, don't be so hasty in letting them know” I said “I have to,
it's how I am, I'm as straight as a dye”
E
from the refuge rang and said it was right to make the Garda aware of
what my ex is telling his ex girlfriend what he intends to do to me
and she's so sorry at the huge change in my youngest and the impact
of it all on me. She met my youngest a few times and only ever seen
the lovely lad he was.
16th
January
Awake
at 5am. my eldest was already sitting in the living room reading, he
told me he wanted to go to Tesco with me. We went at 8.40am.
17th
January
Went
to the Divorce Court court with my ex's ex emails. The hoops of fire
I had to jump thru with the clerks, they eventually told me to go
into the Circuit court and wait till my name was called. I ended up
crying so I left. I cannot cope with anything any more.
The
ex's ex girlfriend sent me her latest email but it was from my ex's
email addy, what a fool I am. Do I have mug written on my forehead or
a huge sign that says wipe feet here.
Rang
a solicitor re help with my Divorce Affidavits, it will cost me €150.
No thanks.
My
youngest posted online that he “cannot sleep” and “wonder what
bread will look like soaked in blood”
I
sent my youngest an email, then asked him if could he send me the
photo he took at my last family law court date so I could give to the
Garda so I can be protected in the Divorce Court.
18th
January
No
reply from youngest re my email to him but he wrote online " You
deserve your disaster because you're a horrid cunt"
20th
January
No
sleep. I cannot stop crying. I want my baby back. I want the gentle,
kind hearted, loving, funny, once very close to me son back. I was
crying in the street walking to the local shop. I am not in a good
place at all.
21st
January
I
emailed the lady at Cross care
“Hi,
So sorry, I did not even check for a reply from you. I need help. I'm
not leaving the house because I've been in bits, no support from
Gheel at all and today is the day they're supposed to call me. I
can't go to the doctor because I want to wring his neck for being
such a bad doctor and I don't want to be seen like this, there is
other stuff going on in the background re ex so all is pretty
hopeless, I don't think I will ever get over this”
At
4.41pm Paul from Gheel rang me and asked “how is things” I
couldn't talk to him because all I did was cry. He said “Darragh
told me your youngest is settled and happy and getting on with his
life” I said “I asked you personally to update me as I did
Darragh because he's MY SON, no one else's, so why am I just hearing
this now” Paul said “I am just repeating what you told Darragh
and you also told Darragh that you and eldest are happy with the
peace that's now in the house” I was astounded, I asked him “who
the hell is making this up because I never once said what you're
claiming I told Darragh, is this what you do with your files, write
made up shit and lies, I said no such thing to anyone at all and if
this is what you're writing then I will expose you all for the liars
you really are. I have just lost a child, have you any idea what
that actually feels like, to lose a child, my beloved child, I'm in
the depths of hell here, I cannot stop wailing, not even when I'm
outside, it feels like someone opened up my chest and ripped my heart
out and stamped on it and not put it back, you have a house full of
Psychologists at your place and this mother lost her son and not one
of you has any sense or gives a damn” Paul said “I do not know
what goes on in the Psych's heads but I certainly do care” He asked
me “have you had any contact with youngest at all” I said “none
and I sent him a couple of emails but had no reply” I read out to
him what my youngest had posted re wondering what bread looked like
soaked in blood written at 4am in the morning. Paul said “I will
tell Darragh about it right now and then get back to you”
At
5.04pm Darragh from Gheel rang me. He said “I'm sorry about the
miscommunication with Paul re youngest happy and settled and you and
eldest apparently saying you're enjoying the peace in the house” I
said “he bloody heard it from someone and I never said any such
thing so where is he getting this “miscommunication” from and if
you know that my youngest is settled and happy and getting on with
his life, why am I not being told this by you, my support” Darragh
said “younget will come round one day and it's all just an
adventure to him right now and when realisation dawns as it always
eventually does and he matures emotionally he will see all that you,
his mum, did for him” I said “I doubt that very much because
you're talking from an Autistic point of view and not from my son's
point of view, I know how my youngest will perceive it” Darragh
said “he is only about 13 or 14 in his maturity” I was gob
smacked and asked “why I'm only just being told this now, what is
the fucking point of an Autistic Agency if they could not inform a
mother of any of this, I paid for my own course on Aspergers and not
once has this ever been said to me by anyone” Darragh said “you
have gone thru so much shit in so little time so you need to make
time for you now” I said “I still have my eldest and I would not
know where to start with time on me, I don't know who I am any more,
my life was stolen from me without my permission so now I have no
life at all, I don't know where I fit in anywhere or how to start and
I feel too old and too ill physically and mentally broken to even try
and start over” he said “it's a loss of self identity and I can
hear that your bunged up with a head cold and can hear in your voice
how heart broken you are and I will call you again tomorrow and you
really need to try and get as much rest as you can”
I
cannot stop crying. I feel broken into pieces. I am lost. I have lost
my son.
The
Cross care lady said “I'll call you later because right now is not
the time to be alone”
Sinn
Fein office rang me. They were told by the HSE “Family Support
Plans are tailor made for each individual family” I said “so
that should be easy enough for them to hand over then shouldn't it,
so why haven't I not been sent anything at all yet. What are they
hiding” The woman said “we will definitely get the file for you
because it's a disgrace and I personally read the whole email you
sent in, it's just terrible and I understand where you're coming
from”
Darragh
Byrne rang me at 4.09pm, he asked me about my ex's, ex girlfriends
emails. He said “I don't think you should be wearing yourself out
with her constant emails to you” He asked “have you heard
anything from youngest” Asking if I've heard anything in 24 hours,
no I had not but it got my anger up and I started ranting at him “if
you lot had got your fingers out
and
done the job you're paid for and listened to me instead of believing
yourselves to be the expert re my sons and as soon as I informed you
back in early December about my youngest having blades bought in
secret you should have all jumped on board and helped,
I'm
furious you now claim not to know he had a mental illness, you could
have linked him in with someone else with expertise, instead of
leaving an impotent mother to cope not only with this prison of
Aspergers with two sons but with all my youngest was doing to himself
and saying to me and saying to the internet world. I said but oh no
Peter Frigging Byrne had to stick his uneducated nose in when he
never before spoke to my son and knew nothing about him at all”
Darragh said “I heard that people with Aspergers cannot have a
mental health illness because all they do is because of their Autism”
I said “who the hell said that” he said “I read it somewhere”
then he said “no, I heard it at some conference I attended, I
remember that part so well that it stuck in my head” I said “you're
wrong, wrong and wrong again and I cannot believe you have just told
me such rubbish, that you actually believe such rubbish, have you
read anything written by Lorna Wing or Dr Amitta Shah, the real
Autism experts” he said “no I've not read anything” I said “I
saw my son go downhill and I knew it was his mental health and I
informed you all and you all should have jumped in and helped him,
for gods sake my youngest spent a full week in a psych unit and was
diagnosed with a stand alone mental illness” Darragh said “when
people go to us at Gheel, all they are diagnosed with is Autism and
if people get assessed at a psych unit they will get diagnosed with a
psychiatric illness, that's the way it works” I was totally
confused with what he was telling me.
I
told him “remind your CEO Peter Frigging Byrne that he's not off
the hook and I'm still waiting and I will not rest until I have
copies of all files held by Gheel which I now know are “tailored to
each family” and paid for by the HSE and not one report had better
contain any made up shit or lies because Paul quoted things that
weren't said by me or eldest and I don't consider this as
miscommunication, I consider it lying, plain and simple. I will be
like a wasp that Peter Byrne cannot get rid of, I know my rights and
I'm entitled to see all and any report that holds my name on it and
all meetings I've attended and all outreach meetings and calls, my
meetings with Andy McDonnell and my meeting with Michael McCreadie,
what my family is supposed to have, was supposed to have and I will
see those records and Sinn Fein will help me” Darragh said “it's
time to think of yourself now” I know fine well he wants me to
forget all that's gone on, all they failed to do, this lad does not
know me at all, I will never give up till they have answered to all
their mistakes, till I have had all the answers to my questions of
them. I asked him “Do you think I'm mad Darragh” he replied “I
don't know Anne” that alone told me all I needed to know and it
put some fight back into me. If that is the road they are thinking of
taking me down, as some head case then they can fucking think again.
I can prove via paperwork, via my journals, via everything that they
are all inept and all liars. I couldn't believe what he just said
about mental illness, god help all clients at Gheel with his
attitude. Michael McCreadie the Consultant Psychologist said it was
mental health when he last spoke to me but then he did fuck all too.
The Bastards
I
sent my friend an email about Darragh Byrne saying no one with Autism
can be diagnosed with mental health, she replied “do not listen to
nonsense” I know it's nonsense but in my raw vulnerable state it
was great to have it confirmed by someone I implicitly trust.
22nd
January
Sent
another email to my friend
“I
am so lost Friend. I don't know where I've been. I don't know where I
am or who I am any more or where I'm going. I don't know how to get
over this. I can't go out as all I do is cry. I can't go to doctor as
I want to knock his lazy head off his body. I've hit rock bottom and
don't know how to get up. I'm keeping on "the face" for my
eldest, performing the mammy duties, he's been very good, he keeps
getting me sessions of TV prog's to watch. Take care Friend, thank
you”
23rd
January
A
lady at Caring for Carers Ireland rang me. I told the woman what
Darragh Byrne had said. She said “that's idiotic talk, don't be
listening to them” She asked “have the HSE got in touch with you
yet” I said “no” she said “I am going to call them back,
more forcefully this time”
The
lady at Caring for Carers rang me again, “I've spoken to an Anne
Moroney who's a Social Worker, I was told they'd already contacted
you” I told the lady “for a Catholic country I've never come
across as many liars, I have not had any contact with anyone from the
HSE and certainly not an Anne Moroney and if you contact her again
then please do tell her I do not appreciate her lies and I don't like
liars full stop. I have never heard of the bloody woman” The lady
said “wait and see first if this Anne Moroney will do what she said
she's going to do which is contact her colleagues then contact you”
Something is so very wrong here, why are lies being told to Caring
for Carers, it just makes me want to dig more and find out and how
the hell these people getting away with lying, getting paid at all to
lie, why are they lying.
24th
January
At
9.47am I rang Carers Allowance and told a lady called Eileen that my
youngest was gone, she said “he can only be gone for two weeks”
I said “I know that which is why I'm calling you now” she said
she will inform Disability.
One
day, just one day I wanted his abuse to stop, one day and one nights
sleep free of his drama, his abuse, his threats and he's gone for
good like this. All those good years wasted, all the poverty I
experienced ensuring he always got what he wanted for Xmas, anything
he asked for I got him and I'm wiped from the face of the earth in
his eyes and mind now. All the times that I encouraged his education,
took him to HEAR, all his big talk about attending courses he wanted
me to pay for, all the schools and colleges I rang for him to get him
a place and he refused everything. I could scream.
25th
January
Friend
rang me.
My
youngest deleted his Twitter account.
26th
January
Up
early as eldest had an appointment with the Orthodontist. He took
four Xanax last night and another six Xanax this morning and was in a
very bad mood and kept biting my head off. I asked him to stop
swearing at me or I would not be going anywhere with him. We got a
taxi to town but we were an hour early, he was snarling and sneering
at me in the cab, I talked to him and he looked at me like I was scum
and didn't answer me when I spoke to him, he just ignored me. I saw
the cab driver look at me from his mirror and then look at my eldest
who was looking out of the side window and I was mortified.
He
got photo's and x rays done in the dentist and I asked could he have
the ceramic braces fitted today. He was on the dentist chair that
reclined out like a bed. I asked him if he was okay because his left
foot was moving a lot and his fists were clenched. I asked the
Orthodontist to tell my eldest what he was doing as he was doing it
so he would know what was coming next, the Orthodontist looked at me
as if I was daft and said “there are certain steps to this” that
told me they'd no idea he has Autism and I groaned because the
dentist downstairs that he attended before should have told them. I
called the dental assistant over to me, I typed out on my phone “you
do know my son has a form of Autism don't you” she shook her head
no. I typed out “you should have been told by them downstairs, did
you not think it strange a grown man like my son has his mother with
him” she nodded yes, I said aloud “can you come out and let me
pay you please” she did, I gave her €3,100 in cash and asked for
a receipt. I told her to get the Orthodontist to explain each step
to my eldest before it took place in his mouth. She wrote it down and
showed the Orthodontist which was okay because my eldest had plastic
protection glasses on and his eyes were closed. The Orthodontist
started telling my eldest each thing he was doing, I then saw my
eldests fists unclench so at least I knew he was calmer.
When
finished I got us a taxi home, my eldest was still as miserable as
sin and angry at me for whatever reason I didn't know, he told me
“Gheel are shit and did nothing for my brother and nothing for me
so you'd better not ever contact them again, they are shit, they do
not care and they think your a fool anyway because I can tell they do
and we will be fine on our own anyway” that made my blood run
cold, that would give my eldest free reign to do and say what he damn
well pleased to me and he's bad enough as it is. He wasn't happy when
I said “I will do no such thing because I need support” He
changed the subject and told me “I cannot eat anything” I said
“the Orthodontist did not tell you that” he said “I don't
care, I just wants specific foods to eat” I asked “what specific
foods” he screamed at me “I don't fucking know, you fucking find
out because all I will eat will interfere with the braces” and he
stomped off to his bed. He is a lunatic. He'd better not start or
I'll be like a lunatic myself.
I
went to Tesco alone and stocked up on banana's, yogurts and frubes
for him and got him a smaller toothbrush plus black jeans and black t
shirts, he looks great in them.
Email
sent to lady at Crosscare
“Hi, This is so I don't waste time howling on the phone to you tomorrow. I am completely destroyed at my baby being diagnosed in 2011 and going down hill so fast with a mental illness of a personality disorder, of putting up with so much crap and abuse from him, the horrific self harming, him blaming me and now him leaving and his refusal to have any communication with me. I'm raging at Gheel Autism Service being all “highly trained" yet had not a bloody clue as to what to do to help him or me and my eldest (who no longer exists in their eyes) I am mad as hell at my complaint letter to Gheel and Geraldine Murphy, the Disability Manager going unanswered since Xmas week. I think I need counselling but I'm overwhelmed with all in my head so I would sound like a nutter when it all comes pouring out of me. I cannot go to the doctor because I want to punch him for failing my youngest and he will only give me anti depressants but there is nothing wrong with the chemicals in my brain, it's the experiences I was left to cope with solo that has battered me down. Isolation is killing me but I don't know how to fix it, I want to be out and mixing with others but the less you get out the less you want to go out, if that makes sense, the self esteem I did have has disappeared, I have aged 10 years in such a short space of time. My eldest keeps telling me "we don't need anyone else" this scares me as I'm in a bad isolated position as it is (I told Gheel, they have done Jack) and in 2010 when I almost cracked up, he and my youngest made me sign a "contract" they had written, (I head butted a tree as they were both bullying me. I was "forced" to stay in bed and fed sleeping tablets to "get the rest you need" I cannot ever be put in a bullying situation again but I have to say he has been as good as gold since I got the Protection Order last year.
“Hi, This is so I don't waste time howling on the phone to you tomorrow. I am completely destroyed at my baby being diagnosed in 2011 and going down hill so fast with a mental illness of a personality disorder, of putting up with so much crap and abuse from him, the horrific self harming, him blaming me and now him leaving and his refusal to have any communication with me. I'm raging at Gheel Autism Service being all “highly trained" yet had not a bloody clue as to what to do to help him or me and my eldest (who no longer exists in their eyes) I am mad as hell at my complaint letter to Gheel and Geraldine Murphy, the Disability Manager going unanswered since Xmas week. I think I need counselling but I'm overwhelmed with all in my head so I would sound like a nutter when it all comes pouring out of me. I cannot go to the doctor because I want to punch him for failing my youngest and he will only give me anti depressants but there is nothing wrong with the chemicals in my brain, it's the experiences I was left to cope with solo that has battered me down. Isolation is killing me but I don't know how to fix it, I want to be out and mixing with others but the less you get out the less you want to go out, if that makes sense, the self esteem I did have has disappeared, I have aged 10 years in such a short space of time. My eldest keeps telling me "we don't need anyone else" this scares me as I'm in a bad isolated position as it is (I told Gheel, they have done Jack) and in 2010 when I almost cracked up, he and my youngest made me sign a "contract" they had written, (I head butted a tree as they were both bullying me. I was "forced" to stay in bed and fed sleeping tablets to "get the rest you need" I cannot ever be put in a bullying situation again but I have to say he has been as good as gold since I got the Protection Order last year.
My
ex has been diagnosed with two separate mental illnesses, Borderline
Personality Disorder and Anti Social Personality Disorder, he
apparently has two knives in his possession every time we are in
court and his ex partner was so worried that she contacted me two
weeks ago to warn me that he said "I will stab that woman the
next time I see her" I have been to the Garda and if I do not
attend the Divorce Court on March 11th, I was told I will be in
trouble and held liable for both parties costs, I do not even have a
legal team after two years of waiting.
There
is far too much going crazy in my life that my head is spinning, and
for someone who does not go out the bloody door except to walk the
dog and go to Tesco, I'm amazed I'm still sane (that is tho
debatable)
I
just do not understand anything any more, all these professionals
that are supposed to be in my life to support me and boys and are
doing nothing, my heart is broken and still nothing, two lads from
Gheel phone me for a chat, lads who know nothing, who have not even
lived themselves yet, how are they supposed to know how a mother
feels at losing her child, as that's what it feels like to me, a
death, these lads make me feel like a soap opera that they want to
hear the latest instalment of, this is my life, I told them I'm
broken and don't know how to fix myself, how to get over this, I get
told “Ah, you will, give it time” time is something I gave to my
son's to the detriment of any life to call my own and now I don't
know who I am. Am I all my youngest called me? is it all my fault?
and I was never a woe is me kind of person before”
28th
January
9am
and eldest wanted me to go put money on his O2 card for him. It's
freezing and raining and I'd planned to go in the opposite direction,
I could have cursed him but he's in an awful bad mood and I just
wanted an easy and peaceful day so I went for him and got soaked all
the way thru to my skin by the time I walked there and back. I had to
get stripped and put clean, dry clothes on.
Appointment
with the doctor at 3.40pm because my chest is very bad. My eldest
sent me a text telling me “don't lose it” because he knows I want
to throttle the man after doing nothing about my youngest. I had to
wait for an hour before I got in to see him. The first thing out of
his mouth was "Hi Anne it's good to hear that youngest is gone"
I nearly lost it with him and kept asking him how he knew. He said
he had "received a letter from a GP asking for his files but
there's far too many for me to post" he started going thru the
paperwork on his desk looking for the letter but he couldn't find it.
I asked when he found it, would he give me a copy, he said yes. I
told him “both you and Gheel are a disgrace and did nothing to help
my son” he didn't reply. He gave me meds for my repeated neuralgia
attacks the past 10 weeks and anti biotics for what he said “is a
chest infection with a bad and loud wheeze and get well and not to be
worrying about your youngest because all your physical symptoms are
caused by stress so lets get you well and no more worrying about your
youngest” I left his surgery crying.
I
was supposed to go straight to the hospital for a chest x ray with my
chest being so bad but I didn't. I just feel so grief stricken.
No
support call from Darragh Byrne of Gheel.
At
6.08pm a voice mail from Darragh “sorry it's so late, in a meeting
that went on and on, will try and call you later”
I
took the painkillers the doctor prescribed for the Neuralgia attacks,
they left me unable to get my head off the bed so I'm not taking them
ever again.
Darragh
Byrne rang, general chit chat. I said “I need an answer to the
following. If anything happens to me who is going to look after my
eldest, what is going to happen to him” Darragh said “we at
Gheel will” I said “that's not good enough as you do not do
anything for him now so why are you not doing anything for him now”
Darragh asked “does he need any supports now with anything” I
said “are you joking, try bloody asking him for yourself, Gheel
should have been supporting him the past three damn years and not
just sent him two bloody letters so tell me again who is going to
look after my son if anything happens to me” Darragh again said
“Gheel will” I said “I want it in writing, I need it in writing
so will you give that to me in writing” he said “I will, I'll
write a draft first and run it past you and if you're happy with it
then I'll write it on headed paper and give it to you, will you be
happy with that, if I did that” I said “I need to see it first
and my eldest needs to know about it too” Darragh said “okay I
will arrange that and will also make sure from now on that a letter
is sent to him every 3 months explaining who we are, what we do and
what we can provide and we're available 24 hours per day by phone if
he ever wants to chat about anything at all”
Darragh
wrote no such letter for me nor sent to me or send anything to my
eldest either.
Lying
bastard.
30th
January
Posted
Freedom of Info forms off for both me and for my eldest.
31st
January
My
youngest was posting online at 2am, 3am, 4am and 5am so obviously
he's not sleeping. God knows how he's coping and what he really
feels. All I want for him is to be happy, to be at peace, but nothing
on this earth will stop me from always worrying about him.
My
eldest handed me something and said “it's an early birthday
present” It was a Kindle, it was so unexpected. I was delighted
that he thought about me that way at all. I was over the moon. He
also gave me €38 worth of Amazon vouchers so I could buy books
online. I was so touched by this unexpected kindness. He kept
smiling, he told me “no one else will be getting you anything so I
thought I would get you something” And he let me hug him.
1st
February
My
youngest posted online “feel sad and lonely” That breaks my
heart. He could have flown the nest in an easier way than this, it
should never have happened this way. He was my whole life.
2nd
February
My
youngest posted a photo of a blind at a window and wrote “At this
moment in time, we are bored out of our fucking minds” I wish he
would just contact me but I know it will never happen.
My
eldest is down in the dumps.
4th
February
Had
to attend a last minute function at the Gresham Hotel at 9am for the
homeless charity and write a speech for them in case they won. It's
amazing how no matter what's going on in a persons life when called
to do something for others, you just get on with it.
Darragh
Byrne rang me at 5pm, dinner was in the oven and as usual I forgot
about it and jumped whilst still on the phone but nothing was in the
oven at all, I called my eldest and he'd got it out of the oven
himself, I was so shocked and Darragh laughed and said “he can
start cooking for himself now”
Friend
rang 6pm.
5th
February
Went
to the Refuge to get help re all the crap going on with the ex's
threats and what to do about Divorce.
Rang
Legal Aid, still no solicitor for me.
6th
February
9am
bus to Tesco then town, dropped my phone and lost the rubber front of
it so I cannot use it to text at all.
Rang
the court once home. I was told that March 11th
is just another Case Progression date and not the actual divorce and
I thought it was divorce.
8th
February
My
youngest has posted photo's online of his scars. The deep wound he
has looks horrific and needed stitching when I tried everything to
get him to get it medically checked, It looks awful, like a gnarled
rope, his skin is destroyed, he will really regret this when he's
older.
More
emails from my eldest about what my youngest is writing on Tumblr
“The
first thing that you learn is that you never let them hear you”
“I
thought ‘I don’t want to be a photographer’ for the first time
today”
“I
think I’m just going to have to stop being there for people. It
just goes unnoticed and unappreciated and to be frank I don’t care
anymore.”
“Wouldn’t
it be great if we were dead?”
“My
brother always said he wanted to die in a motorcycle accident when
he’s twenty-one. He’s fourteen months older than me and I’ll be
turning twenty this year. He never learned how to drive”
“I’m
feeling rather content with my productive efforts but out of place
physically and mentally. I need to create a proper work flow for all
that I do so it can run smoothly, I also need a place to put these
things too”
“Oh,
and an income and a residence, whatever”
“Finally
got a bank account like a real adult”
My
eldest said “I'm going to kill him for mentioning me at all never
mind some shit I said after hearing it on the Simpson’s when I was
a child” my youngest is a lying toad, he's had a bank account for
years. Whose benefit is he writing all that crap for.
I
am seriously pissed off with all he is writing about me online, he
cannot slag me off to my face any more so he thinks he's safe doing
it this way. I cannot reply as only his friends can write on his
page. I talked to my eldest about it and he said “fuck him, he's
only doing it all for attention and wants women to write to him to
tell him there, there, there, we will all make it better for you,
he's looking for a woman to console him, it's all self pity with him”
I said it cuts me to the bone tho.
Out
walking with my dog in the rain. I am miserable. I went to bed at
9pm. My eldest knocked on my door and told me “he is writing
horrible things about you” I said I'll look at it tomorrow because
I'm not fit for seeing anything else today.
11th
February
Awake
at 3.30am, feeling sick and have a stomach ache. I'm falling apart at
the seams. My eldest sent me an email of what youngest had written
about me ““Not everyone is
a violent,aggressive drunk. Someone should tell my mother that”
I
am no drunk and nor am I violent. Having a naggon on a Friday night
if I could afford it because I cannot have a social life is what I
enjoy. My eldest came and asked me if I was alright, he couldn't
sleep either, he told me “do not feed it” “look at a comment
made by some girl “Oh no,
sorry to hear that”
that's the reason he writes all this, it's the only reason he writes
it, why do you never listen to me, why are you so blind when it comes
to him”
Maybe
I'm waking up because I'm furious with my youngest.
My
ex's ex girlfriend is sending me emails continually, up to 20 per
day. I know the girl means no harm at all but Christ Almighty I only
want peace.
I'm
shutting down in body, mind and spirit, I do not want to do anything,
I do not want to go anywhere, I just want to sleep and wake up and
find this has all been a nightmare the past 23 years of my life.
12th
February
I'm
not sleeping at all, I just lie in bed staring into space, I need
answers as to the past 23 years of my life, how did all this happen,
I'm seriously wondering if it's me that's mentally ill and everyone
else is sane.
I
checked my youngest online and wish I had not. I know I will never
read anything nice because he simply does not have it in him to be
nice about anyone or anything any more and especially not me, his
Mam. He wrote
“ Have
you ever shattered silence, I could be living on my own in a week or
two and as great as that is, it terrifies me no end, why is it that
every other lucky cunt has their roots deeply laid when I have moved
20 times in 19 years of my life”
“Those
brief and plentiful moments when you just want to fold into yourself
and not exist”
“Do
you ever realise that your role is replaceable and your utterly
meaningless”
“I
think I am just going to stop being there for people, it just goes
unnoticed and unappreciated and to be frank I do not care anymore”
“Awake
and unafraid, asleep or dead”
“I
have no one really and that's ok”
“I
can't remember having play dates as a child, maybe this has impacted
my Autistic neurology.
I
will never forget those words, what a kick in the teeth for me, I
suppose that was his intention. I assume he knows that no matter how
many online sites he deletes and starts anew he knows I will always
find him so I know in my heart he knows for a fact that I will have
read those words and like the spiteful, horrendous and ungrateful oik
he's become he knows these words would hurt me. Once again all untrue
but like his father his lies and fantasy has been turned into his
reality, otherwise how could any sane person live with themselves,
keep up with themselves with all the lies they tell and most probably
cannot remember so lie upon lie to cover up their last. He appears to
have forgotten my mantra of “never tell lies, they always catch up
with you”
For
the record: Every single day I always had their friends at my house
to play with them and I made their dinner and took them home at 6pm
despite me having three jobs, two out of the house, cleaning peoples
houses and in a hotel and working a Saturday office in an Employment
Agency answering their phone and also working from home, making
electrical sockets for a mere £30 per week and it was all time
consuming too. I worked around my kids school hours. I walked my kids
and other local kids to school every day and collected them after
school too. I still got all household chores done, I still got all
food shopping and all cooking done and I always had time for my kids
so where this bullshit is coming from Christ only knows. my youngest
had one sleep over and “had a great time” but at the next sleep
over he refused to go. He has got to be off his head lying so badly
about me, I will never forget nor will I ever forgive him all that
he's written about his mother. No one can hide from the truth
forever, he cannot hide from himself forever and one day all this
will catch up with him, like I always said when he was a child.
No
one who abuses their own mother, who cannot love their own mother or
be loyal to their mother is capable of love, they will only destroy
another woman when that woman cannot put up with them as their true
colours always eventually show. I hope no woman has to have her life
ruined because of his abuse.
“Scars
can reopen, no one told me that”
“No
one can hear the dead man's screams”
“If
you are going to hang yourself, film it”
He
needs professional help.
Darragh
from Gheel rang, I read him out all that my youngest had written, he
said “I cannot believe it, it all sounds very disturbing and I
can't believe he would write where it will never disappear” and
“I'm sorry he is still being so nasty about you but one day he will
grow up and mature and realise how wrong he is and has been” I said
“I doubt that very much. He has morphed into his father, in fact he
did so a long time ago and I was just far too stupid and stupified to
realise it but I will get it all, every sodding, painful to me and
spiteful, venomous lying crap he's writing and even if it takes till
he's 40 years old and hopefully I will be long dead and gone he will
have a record of everything in what I write because I only ever write
facts as they happen followed by my feeling of those facts, I only
ever tell the truth and not made up bile spewings” Darragh said “I
know how you feel, Anne but I wish you would just get on with your
life now” I said “what bloody life, I wasted my life for my kids,
I will never get those years back, all those years are gone, when I
should have been having the time of my frigging life after escaping
from a mad bastard after years and years of cruelty and absolute
control, I gave up all those years when I should have been doing what
I wanted to do and all for what, for nothing”
Jesus
Christ when I think of everything, I am so fucking mad with rage.
Twice Al Green has been in Dublin and I never got to see my idol at
all, once in another county and I couldn't leave my sons alone
together as past history proved and again in Dublin when my eldest
had one of his melt downs. All my kids have done is melt my fucking
head for years and got away with it because unlike them I am not
violent, I am not a quitter and I love them but in my personal view
my kids did not feel any love for me. So WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT
OF IT ALL.
13th
February
I
swear I am going to go insane. my youngest posted “ Tomorrow is
Valentines day. I'm not being bitchy about being single. I'm just
happy that I don't have to buy presents for someone I cunting loath.
Oh and that I am not in hospital too”
I
hope he is so proud of himself and happy about the man he now is. He
appears to have wiped his memory of HIS actions to get HIMSELF
admitted into a hospital last February.
14th
February
53
years old I am today. My eldest said Happy Birthday, that is the
first time he's said that to me in god knows how long.
16th
February
My
eldest took 8 Xanax to get out the door and go to the Orthodontist. I
knew the rest of my day would probably be made hell with him as he
always holds me his captive audience when out of his mind on meds. I
put €850 of his money in an envelope to clear the total bill for
his braces. We were early and walked up and down the street outside
the dentist. I saw a lovely shop that sold real leather satchels, my
eldest knows I like them, he told me “I will buy you one for your
birthday” I said “no” because he'd already got me a wonderful
present of the Kindle and the satchels cost €135, he said “I can
afford it” I said “no way, I have bills coming out of my ears and
no way would I feel comfortable walking about with a €135 bag on my
shoulder when I cannot keep up with my bills” and reminded him
“after taking all the Xanax you will never remember anyway and I do
not take advantage of anyone, I never have and I'm not about to start
now” my eldest said “yes you do have high morals don't you, I
told Darragh that when the banks were messed up and told him you
could have gone in to a branch and took out more money than was in
your account but I told him Mum has high morals” I felt chuffed at
him saying that about me because it's oh so true and I'm glad that he
knows that about me. He said he wanted Caffeine tablets to help him
exercise more so we found a chemist and I got them, then we went into
a small supermarket so I did not have to go out when we got home
because going out with my eldest tanked up with meds drains and
exhausts me. Eldest said he would pay for it and handed me €50
telling me “don't give me the change in front of anyone because
it's embarrassing for me” He said I want to start going out every
day because I get embarrassed so I want to desensitise myself to be
amongst people and I want you to take me out early in the mornings
when no one else is around”
I
told him I'm not going to have any money at all this year to buy him
a birthday present because my finances are up shit creek with me
losing €102 a week. He said “I don't like birthdays anyway
because all they do is remind me of all I've not achieved in life”
I told him “don't be so hard on yourself, you should link in with
Gheel and get the ball rolling for all you do want to achieve because
you could do anything you want to do because you have brains to burn”
He said “I don't know why you bother with them, look how they let
youngest down, look how they let you down, I don't know why you don't
just dump them, they do no good anyway, we don't need those people in
our lives” I said “I will think about it” but there was not a
chance in hell's fire was I going to ever be left alone with my
eldest on my own. I'm half insane as it is already, my life would not
be worth living at all the minute he thought I'd have no one to tell
what goes on with him. We were in and out of the Orthodontist in mere
minutes, he got told his teeth are in great shape and very clean etc.
He
went for a lie down when we got back. He woke up at 5pm and asked me
“where's the change from my €50” When I told him he said “I
completely forgot we went into the chemist and then supermarket and
I'd given you the €50 to pay the shop and the chemist” I said
“you need to lay off taking so many Xanax at once” and I handed
him the shop and the chemist receipts and his change was on the
kitchen worktop. He went on his exercise bike and was on it for
Christ knows how long after taking Christ knows how many Caffeine
tablets.
17th
February
My
eldest woke me up to tell me he wanted money put on his O2 card. I
got up and got ready but he then said “don't bother, I've changed
my mind, I want to save it up instead” He said “I found his new
blog and feel sorry for him because he wrote “ On days like this I
should be happy that I'm alive in a city I love but I'm not” then
my eldest said “he's a total dick and I no longer feels sorry for
him” because he also wrote “Tried to relapse, nothing sharp
enough, chicken scratch composition, shallow sting, how fitting,
reminds me of youth” my eldest said “that proves why all those
scum in another county were calling him a dirty fucking Emo, he must
have been at it then too” I said, “no way because I would have
seen, he was always by my side, he always walked about with nothing
but boxers shorts on in the house so no way was he” my eldest said
“you are so fucking naïve and call yourself an adult”
18th
February
More
non stop emails from the ex's ex. She's asking me to tell her my
Divorce Court date so she can be ready if there are any explosions
from her ex. My eldest said “it is so obvious that she's still in
regular contact with dad, you should just stop answering her emails”
Darragh
Byrne rang at 6.30pm, he said “sorry it's so late, been training
new staff all day and did not get a chance to call you” I told him
“I am genuinely and seriously worried about my youngest posting
that he's relapsing” Darragh didn't have much to say, he told me I
can text him any day if I want a chat!!! Off course I want a chat, he
is my key support worker for god sake, he is my off loading
mechanism, that is what Gheel are paid for.
19th
February
I
rang Freedom of Info person, she wanted to know “exactly what you
are looking for” I said “both my son and I want copies of all and
any files you hold from 2009 to present date, the HSE pay Gheel
Autism Services to provide a support package regards a Family Support
Plan and we want to see exactly what this service is and all and any
files” She said “I've never heard of Gheel and I need you both
to provide photographic ID” I told her “my son has none and
cannot get any because he has had agoraphobia since 2006 but he has
an unusual surname so no one else can claim it's him but I do tho
have his birth certificate that I can send” She said “I am
heading into a meeting but will clarify and call you back in the
afternoon” She rang again at 3pm “yes it's okay to send in
eldests birth certificate as proof of his ID”
20th
February
Awake
6am, I could hear my eldest was downstairs, that is two nights now
he's not slept, it could be because his birthday is coming up or the
caffeine tablets. I'm dreading his birthday as god knows what mood he
will be in and make me suffer for his actual birth.
22nd
February
After
getting a very disturbing email from my ex's, ex girlfriend about my
ex's mental mindset and more threats. I rang the Garda station
in the county he lives in and explained all I was finding out about
the ex. They told me to call the village I used to live in as that
would be their area. I spoke to a lovely girl who could not have been
more helpful to me. Yes they did have to attend his address and
remove substances, she asked was it me who called them to do so, I
said “no it would have been his ex girlfriend, I'm his wife and I'm
hearing all kind of threats about what he's going to do to me” She
told me “he was surrounded by gas bottles and going to blow himself
up but we removed them and didn't do anything because he's clearly
not a well man and you should go and get immediate court protection
and tell the court to ring us if need be and we will explain it all”
What a lovely girl.
All
those dreams Mum's have when their son becomes 21. I had visions of
giving eldest the keys to his first car. My dreams for him died a
long time ago. His dreams for himself have not yet started. I am
gutted that this is my boys life. He came down the stairs in a rage
like a bull. He said youngest posted “ I don't care what day it is
today, if I get a single message from you cunting on about loyalty
then I will tear you to fucking shreds” my eldest said “I fucking
hate him and if he dares to send me any message after writing that
then he is dead and it's his own fault”
I
stayed out of his way the whole day. He didn't eat anything at all.
26th
February
I
fell in the park yesterday en-route to see a solicitor. I slipped on
mud and now my ankle and my ass is killing me so I've an appointment
with the doctor.
I
got
the all clear, I just dented my pride landing on my ass. My ankle is
still very sore but it's strapped up and I've no need to go to the
hospital for an x-ray, thank god.
I
am convinced someone, somewhere has a small doll of me and is
sticking pins into it.
27th
February
On
leaving the shopping centre a woman was shouting out "can you
spare some change for Irish Autism Action" I lost it and shouted
back "I have two friggin kids with Autism, can you spare me some
change because you lot did fuck all for us" and I burst into
tears, the state of me, I'm so ashamed of myself and mortified. And
the poor girl was just bewildered. I'm so ashamed of myself. I rang
Gheel and asked them to have someone, anyone ring me and said I am
losing my fucking mind.
4th March
I
went to court to get a Protection Order re all the threats the ex was
making against my life as told to me by his ex girlfriend. It was a
very weird day. I went down on the 8.30am bus, but by 11am I still
hadn't been called. The place was jam packed and my knees were
knocking. I do not normally react like that but the court clerks had
my nerves that had gone haywire, jangled even more. They told me “you
can't use that paperwork, the Judge won't allow it, it's not done
correctly, go back to your solicitor” I ended up in tears. Some of
those I have unfortunately met are power hungry, bullying and useless
bastards. I imagine them to have small man syndrome, the way some of
them both male and female talk to people in crisis is just
horrendous. A male clerk must have felt sorry for me because he
called me over to him and took me to a different counter. I said
“just let me in and talk to Judge because I'm in court next week”
he hand wrote a form for me and asked me to sign it and told me “all
you can do is wait but don't get your hopes up”
I
sat in the cattle market waiting area. A woman sitting beside me
said "here we go again" I said “I have no idea who you
are” she said “six times in 12 months I've been here” then
said “I'm not here for a divorce” I didn't ask her to explain,
she told me “I recently started my own business, I make guided
meditations and sell them” she said “my first one was the Hill of
Tara” I said out loud, “you've got to be kidding me, my ex spent
a fortune on litigation for that place” she asked me his name, I
told her and she said “yes I've heard of him but I don't know him”
I said “he worked along side C. D re the Hill of Tara trying to
take the Government to court” she said “I no longer speaks to
her” I didn't ask her to explain, she asked me why I was there, I
said “for a Protection Order” she asked “did he not treat you
well” I said “if he had I would not be here” she asked me how
I knew C.D. I said “I wrote to her when I found out the ex had a
pagan hand fasting wedding as she'd written about it on line, she
asked “did C set it up” I said “no a girl called E did” she
said “ah she is lovely, I know her well” It was just crazy
meeting someone who was chatting away to me and knew him and his
crew. She said “I do not mix with anyone from Tara but I did go up
there a few times for spiritual reasons”
When
everyone had been called by name into the court, I was left standing
alone, I hadn't been called by the Judge, everybody had to file out
and after another half an hour, a voice called out my initials to
attend a completely different court room. I sat like a lemon till
they said it again and I had to fly in. The Judge was a man, he was
asking questions for few minutes, where is your husband? I had to
explain why I was there and then he put me on stand. I had to zip my
mouth because I wanted to pour out all I had to say but I stuck to
the points. I was so relieved when he told the clerk “issue not
only a Protection Order but a Safety Order too and immediately
contact the Garda stations in both R and B so they are warned of this
man”
Darragh
Byrne rang to see how I got on at court. He said “I will write you
a letter for the day of Divorce to outline the stress you're under
and have to live with” I said “please remind Peter Byrne I'm
still waiting for a reply to my email of complaint” He said “I
will pass the message on” I'm sick of hearing the same old shit.
5th
March
Went
to my first Legal Aid appointment in the centre of town. I didn't get
good news, it was only an initial interview. I was told they have 300
others on their books to be seen and once the initial appointment was
done they will then prioritise who to work for first. The solicitor
rang the court whilst I was there to find out about the orders made
yesterday but the court would not tell him anything because he's "not
on record" He told me “because you got the Protection Order as
an Ex Parte Application you have 7 days to serve his Law Centre about
it with a copy of the order (which I didn't have yet) with "Notice"
clearly setting out why you made the application” He said “the
Law Centre could instruct the court to strike it out because they
were not given notice about it” It's apparently “the law” “A
date will then be issued for the ex to plead why it should not have
been given by the court in the first place” What a huge mess. “As
far as the Divorce goes” it looks like yet another calamity. I was
told “if the County Registrar is not in full possession of what she
asked for at the last Case Progression Hearing then it could just be
adjourned and could go on and on for years” I said “I want it
done and dusted” the solicitor said “that is not an option and
the court must go by what was entered by you on record in 2010 and
you will not get any date for a divorce unless the County Registrar
is satisfied” He said “you have to make a new Book of Pleadings
that must include all prior court proceedings and all orders made by
the District and Circuit courts the past 7 years” he also said
something about “not been separated 4 years from the date you left
the ex till your Divorce Application” which is just fucking
nonsense, otherwise why would the other solicitor have been able to
issue divorce proceedings in the first place. It's just a huge big
mess.
“The
Protection order just means your husband will be arrested if you dial
999 but you then still have to prosecute him thru the courts and
prove to the court that he's a threat but even if your husband was
outside your gate it doesn't mean he's going to do anything to you”
and “yes if you have a Protection order he will be arrested but
then will be let go until you prosecute him” I told the solicitor
about the explosives he had surrounded himself with, he said “a lot
of things are explosive but can be held legally and it's only when
they are illegal that any Garda would act so they could not arrest
him”
So
there you go, a nutter can threaten to blow himself and anyone in his
vicinity to kingdom fucking come but as long as what he's going to
cause the explosion to blow himself and others up with is held
legally then the Garda cannot arrest him. You could not make this
shit up.
If
I had the money I would just leave and hide forever. It feels like
I'm again dammed if I do and dammed if I don't with the court system.
Legal Aid have not committed to taking on my case until they are in
full possession of the Book of Pleadings that I have to come up with
on my own and I haven't a clue how to do it.
6th
March
I
had
to post by recorded delivery the Protection Order I got from court
within 7 days. I was told by the Women's Refuge today that I can't
serve on his Legal Team in Court on Monday because it had to be done
by a Legal Representative and I don't have one, and after the 7 days
according to the solicitor it is null and void. I did not address it
to him but to the Law Centre who are representing him so they will
probably ring him about it.
I
just had a terrible memory come to mind
of the ex telling me many moons ago about his father “paying his
alcoholic friends to stand on oath and swear to a Divorce Judge that
his wife sold her body for sex thru out their marriage” At the time
I was horrified that any man could even think that way in revenge but
my ex looked bemused as he told me all those years ago. I can feel
it in my water works the scummy ex will no doubt have a bag of tricks
for the court. But when you are honest and decent, nothing should
faze you and after all I've had to deal with from that pig and from
my life and from my children nothing will hold in comparison.
9th
March
I
spent over 5 hours in casualty. My back went into full spasm shut
down, it was absolute agony but not an emergency as the hours spent
up there can testify. I was given head tripping medication plus an
injection eventually and was out of it after that. I went to the
hospital after 2pm and got home around 8pm, I was in bed zonked, it
always amazes me the muscles you use even just to cough. I'm walking
like an old lady and will be lucky if I make the court but suppose I
will have to attend even if my head was hanging off.
10th
March
I
am so pissed off about my youngest joking on Mothers day about
sending me a death threat.
The
ex's ex sent me an email to tell “he intends
to
play
dirty tricks on you via court”
I could care less because that is what men like him do as part of
their everyday life. I'm not bothered at all, I will just stick to
the truth, I always have and I always will. She said he's told his
solicitor “I
did not reply to her lambasting email to me because I considered it
to be so abusive”
She said “I
was disgusted with him because it was all about your youngest and all
he failed to do as a man and a father, he makes me sick, good luck
with court tomorrow”
11th
March
Me
and my eldest went out at 8am walking my dog.
E
from the Refuge went to the court with me. Only the ex's Barrister
was there, she talked to me before we went in and
told me what I should do next “but I cant give you legal advice”
but
I was having none of that. That cow had me in tears the last time I
was in court. She claimed “I know nothing about the Protection
Order” even tho it was sent by registered post to them. She said
“he's still not provided all the bank statements or other
documents” The County Registrar said “he's had more than enough
time to provide all asked for” and she gave me three dates if I'm
happy enough to go ahead with the Divorce. I chose the May but I need
to “update” my Statement of Means, “sworn by Affidavit”
(again) and “serve them on the Law Centre” he is using “but no
need to send by registered post” because I told the County
Registrar I'm on a low income so she said “it's okay just to post
normally” The
Mortgage I was told “is now in arrears of €70,000 and because
it's in joint names you are both liable for it” I said “hold on
a minute, he's paid more in private rent and could have paid the
mortgage all along and I thought there was law protecting the family
home so how was he allowed to break all the rules” I was told “he
will have to answer to the Judge about this” I said “I want no
more part of this, I just want a Divorce and I don't want anything
from him and I have nothing to give him so I want this over and
finished” The County Registrar said “the Judge at the Divorce
Hearing makes that decision and he has to be satisfied that all that
has been requested by the court” to the ex “has been complied
with, if not it could go on and on”
The
County Registrar said “there is a Safety Order in these files but
no date for a hearing” I said “I've not received one either”
his Barrister said “I know nothing about it” I said “the Law
Centre have been sent it by me” The County Registrar said “the
Court would have sent it, do you have your copy to show the
Barrister”
I
asked her “when his pension matures I want my share to go to my
sons” so the County Registrar put an order in for that to go before
the Judge. I will no longer have E from the
Refuge as my support as she is moving on.
12th
March
Whilst
waiting for the bus to go to town, a woman approached me and asked me
where the Dart station was. I told her and we chatted for a bit, she
walked away then came back to me and said "would you have known
I was a man dressed in woman's clothes" I said “you are
stunningly beautiful and you put me to shame with how you look"
I'm rarely lost for words but this lovely person decided to confide
in me, how brave of her, we talked some more and she said “I've
always felt this way but I have to go out and about like this before
the powers that be will accept I'm a woman in a man's body, I'm
taking the Dart just to get used to the stares and abuse” I said
“hold your head up high and if anyone stares at you then you stare
right back and take no shit from anyone, it's your life, not theirs
and she held my hand then walked away looking liking a supermodel
with fabulous heels on. I do hope I meet her again, we got on like
house on fire.
Things
are tense in the house with my eldest, he's not happy about something
but I can't go near him to find out because I don't want any
explosion so have put Gheel on alert. I know something is bothering
him tho. He did say last night that he wanted to make his own lunch
and dinner now I've shown him how to use the cooker and to time it
using his phone as an alarm.
I
asked my eldest to give me €5 so I could buy myself a plant from
him for Mothers Day, he said he thought was only in America but he
gave me the €5 so I have a lovely plant from Super Valu.
13th
March
Awake
5am, in the park with my dog at 6am. It's going to be a beautiful
sunny day. Spring is my favourite season. I got
another head cold that went onto my chest. I'm not well again. Had to
go back to the doctor but the stairs there up are so steep so I
jokingly asked a man standing at the top of the stairs “give me
your hand love and get me up these stairs” and he did then he said
“do you want my number too” which made me laugh. Sometimes I see
sparks of the old me.
21st
March
My
eldest is not in a good mood yet again. I've no clue what's going on
in his head and he's not telling me either. He just keeps bloody
snapping at me for no reason. I'm pig sick of walking on egg shells.
31st
March
My
eldest is in a very bad mood. He wouldn't answer me at all when I was
talking to him, it's like living with an overgrown child who still
has tantrums. He then told me “I'm bored out of my skull” I
asked him if he wanted to come out with me, his answer was no. He
said he wants to try Mead and Absinthe and is ordering them from
Germany and they are 70% proof. I said it may be a waste of money and
I had googled and found out there was a specialised liquor shop in
town and he could come out with me and try some samples first. All he
came out with was a growl of “never mind” then said he wanted
sleeping tablets. I have none so he's not happy about anything today.
There are some people you just cannot help at all no matter what you
do.
My
youngest hasn't been on twitter for two days now and I'm worried sick
about his safety.
4th
April
My
eldest decided to come to Tesco with me on the bus. My nerves were
shattered by him with his orders “don't do this, don't say that,
don't show yourself up” etc.
6th
April
The
charity sent me and another volunteer on a Radio Presenter Training
day. For someone who is outgoing and not shy, I hated it. I like
being part of a collective and hate any solo spotlight on me.
9th
April
12.22pm
text from my eldest “Absinth tastes fucking awful but I feel lucid
as hell and I only had one glass”
14th
April
I
was up with the lark again this morning and out the door with not a
lick of water on my face at 7.30 this morning taking my dog to the
park, it was pissing down with rain.
I've
been on various forums reading up on Baclofen, it appears this drug
can be taken in very high doses and does not have the addictive
ramifications of Benzos or have the same withdrawal symptoms and it
works very well for high anxiety but is predominately used to help
alcoholics with withdrawals. This genius Cardiologist, Dr.
Olivier Ameisen, seems
to know what he's talking about and wants large trials done but no
one is taking him up on it. That might be miraculous for my son.
15th
April
Rang
Freedom of Info lady “yes received your messages but have been busy
with meetings, only have one file ready and waiting on the other to
be sent, there's not a lot in it” I said “I find that unusual
after 3 years” She will ring me when they are released.
16th
April
Horrendous
weather at 6am, I had to put the bin out, it was lashing down with
gale force winds.
I
now have a high temperature
and no energy. I'm like an episode of weekly doctor. I
had to ask my eldest to come to local shops with me because I keep
having awful dizzy spells.17th April
I went to a carers meeting in Baldoyle. It's held in the library and overlooks the sea. What a beautiful sight that is but my experience did not go as planned. I left the house at 9.30 then got the bus to Baldoyle. I asked the driver to let me know when I should get off and we got chatting, he said he loves Rab C Nesbit, so I told him about another good prog to watch, he wrote it down once I reached my stop. The tide was out so no sea to see. I went into the library and got told “nah, no meeting is on today, it's tomorrow” I said “you're wrong” I texted the facilitator but he was right, I had got the day wrong. Walked back to bus stop and the same driver was sitting at bus stop having a smoke. He told me I'm daft in a nice way. I asked him how I get to my starting point from Baldoyle, go into town he said and get the 27 back, so I did. I was on four buses in 2 hours.
18th
April
Woke
up at 5.30am to no electric, I checked the meter, it still had money
on it. I was gutted, I need my two cups of tea before I can utter a
word. I went to local shops for a cup of tea and rang ESB, they will
send someone out. A bloke came at 3pm, he said it must be new meter
box that's the problem. It turned out it was the toaster that was
throwing the main switch, and all I had to do was lift the switch. I
was bright red with embarrassment.
I'm
going to try and see the doctor tomorrow because this temperature I
keep getting is wearing me down and dizziness is affecting me now.
I'm feeling so down and just want some energy back.
I
sent my youngest an E Card for his birthday. His first birthday in
20 years that he's not been wrapped in my arms. I could scream the
place down.
My
youngest is 20 years old. I know he's been awake all night as he was
posting online till 5am. None of this should have happened to us. I
checked if he had opened and read the e card I sent, he had read it.
He posted “Best Birthday ever, surprise pizza party” I suppose
the previous 19 birthdays of his life do not exist in his eyes now.
I
stood at the window and watched many of my neighbours going out all
dressed up, that made me feel sad for myself and some jealousy too. I
wanted that life for me and my kids. I wanted normality. I feel like
an emotional wreck with all the crying I'm doing. Guilt about not
being strong enough to cope any longer with my youngest. Rage at the
so called experts who didn't and never will give a toss about
youngest or my eldest. My eldest wanted to know why I was upset, he
was demanding to know why, he was shouting that I had to tell him. I
wanted to scream in his face to fuck off and leave me alone but I'm
not that brave, one day it might be what I need to do to let him know
who the bleeding parent is and what I will not put up with any more
but today I'm too weak and in so much pain in my heart about
youngest. I just told my eldest I feel sad, lonely and tired. He told
me to go to “bed for a couple of days then” as if that would
solve anything at all.
The
ex's ex girlfriend emailed me “you can put my name down as a
witness in court re your husband and the dirty tricks playing he
intends to do. His legal team would never take the chance of putting
me on the stand in court because I know too much, he really needs the
family house to be re possessed because he cannot get rent allowance
at all because he owns a property” That man is unreal. Is that all
he can think about, playing dirty tricks and doing all he can to get
himself rent allowance. My God almighty. I could not give a crap
about him and what he's up to. I have never have been one for mind
games.
Legal
Aid appointment. I heard nothing but bullshit from the solicitor, I
have no faith whatsoever in the law of this country. I cursed my
eldest for forcing me to come back here.
My
youngest posted online “My spidey senses are numb with the feeling
of loss” I sat and cried horrible hot tears.
C
my lovely friend from County M came out to see me because she was
visiting her family in Dublin. I cried when she left. I'm a big
softie, I cry at drop of a hat and on a natural redhead with white
eyelashes, that's not a good look. C has held me up when I was
drowning in grief and despair and had nothing in 2006, she rang me
every day too. She bought me groceries when I got no money from the
ex in 2006, she gave me clothes to wear and the duvets of her own bed
when we had none on our beds in our rented property in B. She saw
straight thru the ex the minute she met him. She bought my boys a
Xmas present that first year when I had no money to buy them
anything. I never forget good friends.
22nd
April
I
sent an email to the Circuit Court
To
Whom it May Concern “Dear Sir/Madam, I am attending your court for
a Divorce Hearing and Safety Order Hearing and I am concerned for my
safety in the waiting room and in the court room. My case number is
****** I have previously attended the Family Law Court and there is a
history of my husband's abusive and threatening behaviour towards
myself and towards the judge so much so I had a Garda present whilst
in the court room on numerous occasions. As I will be attending alone
and I have no legal representation, are there any measures the court
can take to ensure my safety. I appreciate any advice you can give
me”
I
went to the women's refuge at 9.30am going over how to protect myself
at my next court date.
26th
April
I
think I'm turning into the biggest hypochondriac. I've been sick as a
dog since the early hours and have a banging headache too, it's
getting weary, my immune system is fucked at the minute.
28th
April
Walked
to the local shops with my eldest, he was fine going there but coming
back was a different matter and I knew why, because a huge crowd of
teens were jumping all over the place just messing and doing what
teens do. I knew what was going on in my eldests mind, he must have
felt he should be like them, normal. He turned on me after I yelled
out in fright when two of the lads ran across the busy road in front
of heavy traffic, chasing one another and all because I yelled out in
fright in case those lads got run over by a car (because I had
previously saw a young man being hit by a white van) my eldest
started his usual darts of poison at me. he said "you're always
fucking moaning, you're always fucking complaining, you sound like an
old woman, an old fucking, moaning woman and you never shut up”
Why he has to hurt me at every given opportunity I do not know, I do
know that he wouldn't like it. He hurts me so much. Instead of
giving him the mouthful I wanted to I stayed quiet and walked away. I
walked ahead of him. I had so much I wanted to roar at him, I could
have so easily embarrassed him like he always does to me but I
didn't, it would have achieved nothing but by not getting it out of
me means I suffer because I have no one at hand to offload to, there
was no conversation the rest of that day with him. I think I would
have eaten him alive verbally if there had been.
29th
April
My
eldest shouted out “morning” when he walked past the living room
at 7am, so he's out of his bad mood, it doesn't make me feel any
better emotionally at all because every bad thing that was said to me
plays on a loop in my head. I'm still furious at him but there's fuck
all I can do about it. He asked me to make a list of what I'd like
downloaded, that's his unspoken way of apologising to me.
I
really need counselling, from whom, I don't know. Having two kids
with a late diagnosis of disability that was never on my radar and I
didn't see it coming then all the abusive shit that ensued from that
needs to be dealt with. I feel like a fly trapped in a spider's web
and the spider has gone AWOL. I know my life as I wanted it to be
and should have been is over so I need help coming to terms with
that. I feel like a boxer who was forced into early retirement but
I'm still boxing anything in my path, any analogy would suffice but I
know what I mean. It's going to take a special person to work all
this out so what chance do I have when I have no idea of what I'm
trying to say.
30th
April
Just
back from a Legal Aid Consultation. The solicitor said he will apply
for legal aid and will tell me if I have a solicitor and a Barrister
next week. However: “you need
to write the history for me re all and any recent threats made in
court, you are not allowed to write them and read them out in court,
it has to be oral and from memory, third
party evidence is not acceptable so your ex's “ex girlfriends email
statement cannot be given to the court as it could be made up or just
malicious, her evidence will only be accepted if she's on standby in
the court to be called as a witness, the other side may decide that
the witness on stand could make matters worse for them and concede,
you need to get a valuation of the family home and contact TSB
yourself for the current status re the debt” I told him “I've
continually done this but TSB will only send them out to the family
home address and the times they did do the ex denied ever receiving
anything”
2nd
May
My
eldest has been spending a fortune on books which is fine but today
he told me he'd ordered Mead alcohol. I know he was good as gold
with the one glass of Absinthe per day but this experimentation has
me on tenterhooks, only the other day he had me listen to a CD of his
for over an hour, I loved the music but would have preferred to
listen in my own time, because he sat on floor next to me and there's
big difference in appeasing your child than appeasing an adult. I
feel like a puppet with no choice the past ten years. Darragh Byrne
from Gheel is now on holiday for a week, Paul will stand in.
My
eldest received another delivery of a bottle of Mead. I was at the
local shop when it came, what he didn't say was that he also got 2
bottles of Baileys and he consumed one bottle in one day, it's just
as well I did not know because I would have been like a cat on a hot
tin roof, he didn't come near me so I saw no difference in him but I
hope he now realises that booze is not the answer because he didn't
ask to go out walking so it's not doing what he thought it would do
for him, relax him enough to get him out of the house.
I
had the strangest thing happen this morning, it's happened twice now.
I woke up at 6.15am hearing my eldests voice saying “I sent you a
message” at first I crapped myself because I thought it would be an
abusive email but my eldest was fast asleep, he hadn't said anything
at all. I must literally be as mad as a March hare.
I
took my dog to the park at 6.30am just to get out of the house. When
my eldest did wake up I asked him if he had came into my room and
spoke to me but he said no so I must have dreamt it but I heard his
voice as clear as crystal.
I
got caught short in a shop at the Roundabout today. I go in there to
pay my bills, two lovely retired woman work there part time and one
asked me today “where is that tall good looking son of yours, I've
not seen him in ages” my eyes filled up immediately with tears. I
had to leave. She meant no harm whatsoever, she was just so used to
seeing my youngest by my side all the time”
10th
May
I
definitely have Legal representation now, that's the good news, the
bad news is the solicitor is on holiday for a week, so they are
cutting it very fine to get to know my case.
My
eldest has drank half the Mead now. That is one full bottle of
Baileys and half the Mead in three days.
My
dog is acting strange when in living room now, it seems like she's
scared of something. My eldest told me “she's only like that due to
you” which is bullshit, he said “the dog is fine with me” he
has never spent any time with my dog so he's pissed me off. I ended
up telling him to stop talking crap I was so annoyed with him. My
temper is very short today and tonight so I've gone to my bedroom to
watch a film in case I say anything that he may regret. I no longer
care what comes out of my mouth. Strange that it only takes a little
thing to break a camels back
13th
May
I've
woken up with a weird bloodshot eye, along the rim of my left eye, I
had an awful headache yesterday and again today. I want to get it
checked out but I'm also scared stiff in case it means a hospital
trip.
15th
April
Letter
from Legal Aid, they have informed my ex they are now representing
me. They have an easy case in me because I've done all the Divorce
work myself.
16th
May
I
rang Sinn Feins office and spoke to their Minister for Health. I told
him I'm still awaiting Freedom of Info files and they're now over the
legal time to provide them to us and I gave him the whole history. I
told him I'd rang the Freedom of Info people and the claimed that a
letter had been sent out to me by post on the 2nd
May but I've received no such letter which apparently states they
need more time, she then claimed it must have got lost in the post
and I had told her I receive mail from the UK with no problems and
their office is only up the road from me yet I still received
nothing. I had asked her who was she waiting on the files from and
she told me Geraldine Murphy so I replied that explains a lot, she
also told me I can appeal, I asked her, appeal what? because I've no
idea what you've got, she previously told me she had one file ready
weeks ago and was awaiting the second file so what happened to the
one she had in her hands, she said it’s back in file and she will
send another letter out to me. The Sinn Fein Health Minister told me
he will look into it for me. I think I would
rather live in Cuba than this cover and protect our own arses
professionals. I have never come across so many lying bastards
calling themselves professionals in all my life.
17th
May
Last
night has to be in the top five events in my life that have been the
most upsetting of my life. My eldest came into the living room at
10pm, I was working like a beaver on my documents for the Legal Aid
solicitor. His voice sounded very strange, he was upset and told me
“my hands feel funny and leathery, I can't feel them, he then said
“I can see two TV's and I too have what you call a third eye” I
felt his hands and they felt cold and clammy. I asked him “have you
taken anything” he said “yes, two sleeping tablets” and he
cried his eyes out and my eldest never cries. I held him in my arms
for the longest time, we talked about everything, he said “I don't
want to live and don't want to live this way because I've spent one
third of my life in my bedroom, I cannot go on like this and no one
can help me and no one wants to help me and I want to die and have
wanted to die for as long as I can remember” He asked me “can
you imagine what life is like for me, I have no friends and I never
will have because I don't know how to be around people, I do not fit
in anywhere, I
feel terror if I pass other young people but I want to be the same as
them but know that I can't be, I do want friends but see myself as a
freak so others would see me like that too” It just broke my heart.
I begged him not to talk like that, he said “I
will never have a relationship with a woman, I will never get an
education. I
want to move back to the UK but not in a council house because I
would be target of scum who live in those places”
It
felt strange holding my eldest in my arms for almost four hours, I
was so upset that he was upset, he talked a lot about his childhood,
his memories, his fears of “what will I do if anything happens to
you because you're huge and you're going to get a heart attack”
(I'm 10stone and 5ft 5) he said “if I'm left alone I will take
myself off the planet” All he probably wanted to say for years
and years came out of him. I said “I will do everything I can to
help you” I told him all I had done for the past seven years to get
him help. I said “I will expose Gheel for being a shit agency who
do not give a crap for their clients at all and I will expose the HSE
for leaving us like this for all these years starting in the other
County back in 2006” my eldest said “you shouldn't bother
because they failed us all and they don't care” It ripped me apart
seeing and hearing my eldest break down like that. He was in my arms
on the couch for almost four hours. I showed him the mini film I made
of him put to different music from the original one I had made him,
he cried his eyes out, god love him. I told him “no more talk about
wanting to die, if we stick together we can sort something out” He
said “I've felt this way since 2006 and I cannot help how I feel”
When
he went to bed I sobbed like a baby for him. Everyone is going to
answer why my boy has had no life the past seven plus years and did
nothing about it. He was a child when this started and it was the law
that he be helped but no one did, they will all answer one day, even
if it takes me till the day I die, I will never give up. I'm no
quitter.
I
couldn't sleep so I sat and I emptied my guts into an email to
Darragh Byrne from Gheel, all the crap and cat and mouse games from
Gheel and the HSE is going to stop or I'm going to start flooding
anyone I can think off. The shower of bastards fucked up the wrong
family. I loved my kids. I love my kids and they stood back and
waited and wanted and allowed my family to be torn apart and did
fucking nothing at all for us.
My
mail to Darragh Byrne from Gheel
“Hi
Darragh, you are a decent man, a great father, and a wonderful
professional, please pass on the same testimony to Edel, I miss her,
she has seen me and mine warts and all and I could not have wanted or
asked in another woman, mother to mother, what she saw in me and
mine. She always went over and above what her work entailed and I
admire and respect her immensely as I do you. I can talk to you as I
see it and haven't you heard it from me.
On
the 17th of December 2012, I requested from Geraldine Murphy, the
Disability Manager a copy of the Family Support Plan for my family as
I also requested from Carol Doolan, the previous Disability Manager,
and also from Gheels CEO and Main office, they did not have the
decency to reply nor respond. I have been seeking a copy of Family
Support Package since 2009, it is now 2013. This is simple in my
eyes: a Family Support Plan was issued to the **** Family, What is
paid by the HSE for this? What are the **** family supposed to
receive? What was read? and done?
by the HSE regarding the comprehensive report and recommendations by
renowned world wide Autism expert Dr Amitta Shah regards my son and
given to Carol Doolan by me in in 2009. Please be aware that Dr
Amitta Shah in 2008 foretold what my son was capable of and hence her
diagnosis came to pass, records can be found via a Garda Station and
all who partook in this violent (to me) hostage situation and the
dismal aftermath response of all concerned professionals. I am
attaching my very long email I sent to Mary Lou Mc Donald TD, from
start with my eldest to Xmas day 2012, regarding the crisis I had
with my beloved youngest over Xmas 2012 and I lay the blame at
Gheel's feet. No one apparently knew my youngest was diagnosed with a
mental health illness despite the poor boy spending a week in a psych
ward having slashed his arm to bits and taking an overdose. When my
youngest bought "blades online" and was self mutilating and
uploading photo's on his blog and I found out, I immediately informed
Gheel, no one gave a shit. When I informed the GP, no one gave a
shit, when I emailed Andy McDonnel, no one gave a shit, when I
received a call from Michael McCreadie, I heard all sorts then fuck
all because no one gives a shit. To date no one gives a shit but I
DO, THIS MOTHER GIVES A SHIT AND ALWAYS HAS AND ALWAYS WILL, yet I
lost my BABY, my youngest son who thought Gheel gave a shit and would
find him accommodation when the shit hit the fan at home, he was let
down, I, his mother, let him down. I was let down when a member of
staff from Gheel drove my youngest to catch a bus to live in another
country without letting this mother know, who on their website state
"holistic" and work with families yet do not give a shit,
where was the "we work with families" in this family. There
was none because they do not give a shit. Never have and never will.
Your CEO is a disgrace. To date I've still have not had any response
to my request for all files regarding the Family Support Plan paid
by the HSE. The CEO told my youngest a pack of lies by phone, that he
wasn't a danger to himself after slicing his arm to the fat despite D
Doc having attended the home and sectioning my youngest and despite
my email to Peter Byrne which went unanswered, as stated before, no
one gives a shit.
Four
weeks ago I requested as I done in the past and been ignored, all
files under the Freedom of Information Act regards my family. The
phone call I had today tells me yet again no one gives a shit. What
is new you may ask ?
I
was apparently sent a letter from V O'B stating they could not
respond because they had not received the files from the Disability
Manager Geraldine (Bloody) Murphy. Off course I didn't get any such
letter as it was probably not sent but is “now in the post” as I
type but they cannot tell me what file they do have because they have
no access to said files, shit, shit and more shit.
I
have instructed Mary Lou Mc Donald’s office to work on my behalf
and ask all and any questions as they see fit in the Dial and
elsewhere as per my previous written emails at Xmas 2012 and present
date. As stated before Darragh, both you and Edel have been
diamonds, your support has been second to none, pity your employers
could never say the same. I have never told a lie in my life. I never
lied to my kids but I can say hand on heart I have been lied to
constantly and repeatedly by those who should have and who have not
given a shit, all professionals except you and Edel whom I hold in
utmost esteem and will continue to do so. I am sorry Darragh for all
this, I am completely and utterly pissed off. I have held my son now
aged 21 years for 4 hours in my arms tonight crying, telling me how
his life is over and he has not yet lived. Professionals did this to
him, they destroyed my relationship with my youngest, due to not
giving a shit, not knowing how to and not having the decency to
respond to begging emails from a mother in total despair”
18th
May
Up
at 6.30am to go to the dentist with eldest to get his braces
tightened. He got elastic band things on to improve his bite. He
again took far too many Xanax and was like a space cadet. He told me
that he wanted to go on a scenic walk but it was about to pour down
with rain and he couldn't walk in a straight line. I made dinner and
he eventually settled down at 4pm and said he was going for a lie
down. He told me “you're face looks a mess, it's all red, swollen
and blotchy” I said nothing but thought, yeah crying my eyes out
about both my sons for the past 7 plus years would do that to a 50
plus years woman, wouldn't it.
When
my eldest woke up and came down stairs he only had his boxers on. He
looks like skin and bone. He laughed when I said that, he said “good,
I'm now 11 stone” I told him “I have told you repeatedly for
months now to stop the diet” he said “11 stone is my maintenance
weight” I said “it's too light for your frame and height” he
said “you know nothing” I said “I know your eyes have dark
shadows around them and you need to now start eating healthy”
Not
one word or phone call from Darragh Byrne or Gheel, no surprise
there, they must be taking my lambasting email personally. I don't
care, they should be doing their bloody job a bit better, mind you I
did go over the top telling them what I think of them”
My eldest is talking about buying a bong to be sent in my name. I'm just letting him get on with it, I just want his happiness now after all these years of him having no life at all, it's so unfair for him and I still can't get over the breakdown he had, that's never happened before. I assume I've upset Gheel more than Darragh. Darragh Byrne can curse and swear just as much as me but Gheel take all and anything I say or do as a personal insult to them. I reckon their psychologists will have a field day with my email. I can see the men in white coats in the distance coming for me in my minds eye. I know I'm a bull in a china shop but they've got a flaming cheek, 2009 to 2013 and all I get is one lousy phone call a week. My eldest has been firstly let down by me, by his Dad, then the other County HSE and now this lot, yet the real person I blame because I've heard it enough from my kids is me. I am the total fucking failure because I could not even get ANY FUCKING PROFESSIONAL TO IMPLEMENT DR SHAH'S REPORT AND IMMEDIATE RECOMMENDATIONS. GOD FORGIVE THEM BECAUSE I CAN'T. CUNTS
I'm
an emotional wreck. I feel like going into hibernation mode for at
least 6 months not answering or replying to any contact with them at
all, I doubt it would even be noticed by them, the HSE
stinks of cronyism. I'm mad as hell about them, not for my sake, but
for my eldest, 4 hours of me
advising him why he shouldn't kill himself, there is no agency for me
to ring about it or to help me say the right things to eldest. I had
better find myself some kind of advocate because I doubt they will
take my email to Darragh Byrne lying down. I've turned into a lunatic
talking aloud to myself constantly, my brain is far too overloaded. I
suppose I will find out on Monday how the email was accepted but I
know all I say is correct and the truth, it's just written as only I
can write, peppered constantly with swear words but they are fucking
adults, I'm sure they will get over it or else they can come and live
here on €200 a week with no other life and tell me how they get on.
19th
May
Went
for a walk round the block with my eldest, he said “I want to do
this every morning as soon as we fall out of bed and you need to wake
me up and make me go” I said I would do all I can to help him so
I'd better just shut up and get on with it.
20th May
My
email to lady from Cross care
“Hi,
I lost the plot with Gheel and lambasted them by email. I'm not proud
of my constant use of the word shit in said email but they are adults
and will get over it. I've had no reply since December when I sent
that email to the CEO of Gheel demanding answers after the terror
regards my youngest over Xmas. I've had no reply to my email since
December to the Disability Manager Geraldine Murphy when I yet again
(the past 3 years now) requested all files and specifically the
Family Support Plan. I've had no reply to my request by phone call to
Gheels Head Office saying I want a copy of the Family Support Plan. I
under the Freedom of Info Act formally requested the same files from
the local HSE office 4 to 6 weeks ago. I was asked to send in photo
ID despite telling them my eldest had none as he hasn't left house
since April 2006, I awaited a call to tell me his birth cert would be
ok. I followed up by calling them, they had one file and were
awaiting another then would call me to tell me "they have been
released" Nothing came, a couple more weeks went by, I called
again. V O'B told me a letter was posted out to me informing me they
need more than the 20 days, I received no such letter, but I get post
from the UK no bother at all. She said she will repost. I asked her
where the file comes from, she told me Disability Section, I asked
who is holding it up then, she told me Geraldine Murphy and I am
incensed. When I met Geraldine Murphy in person I asked for a copy of
the Family Support Plan. I asked what are Gheel being paid to support
my family and what service is on record that my family are provided
with. To date I have not once been given any info I've requested
verbally, by phone call and by email, it appears so called
professionals can just ignore you and get away with it. On Thursday
evening my eldest had a kind of breakdown, cried for hours, (I have
never seen him cry like that) he was held in my arms and you cannot
normally touch him, he told me he did not want to live as he will
never be normal. (Dr Amitta Shah in 2008 made many recommendations
that may have helped him live a normal life and the powers that be
just bloody ignored them all) I spent 4 solid hours telling him why
he should live. I contacted Sinn Fein Health Minister re the files I
have been requesting now for 3 years, I was told they will look into
it. I sent an email to my support worker in
Gheel. I was respectful regards him and the previous girl I had but
I was disrespectful regards his employer, specifically his CEO, I
told him that man is a bloody disgrace because that is my experience.
The mere fact that I informed this chap that my eldest cried for
hours should have had them knocking on my door with support, after
they sat back and watched my youngests life fall apart and did
nothing. I am so very angry and want to let you know that I am indeed
going public from the rooftops with all this. There is no one, not
one person in my life as family as friends, nothing, it's just me and
I will be damned if I carry on the way we have been, alone, isolated,
and my poor son convinced he would be better of dead as he has
nothing to live for and cannot see himself live any kind of normal
life when the HSE are paying Gheel for Family Support and nothing of
the kind has been given to us. This morning I set my alarm for
6.30am and got my eldest out walking with me whilst the streets were
empty so we can try and de sensitise him from his fear of being
outside, why in God's name could the agency that are the so called
experts re Autism not have thought of this 3 years ago when the HSE
started paying them for their expertise, it's a bleeding joke that I
his mother has to do this at 53 years old when I should be living
some kind of life for myself, what will happen if I die, who will
look after my eldest then, I asked last year that Gheel give me
written confirmation. I was told by Darragh Byrne that a letter
would be done but yet again nothing of the sort was received. It's
now 11am and since my lambasting email to Gheel on Thursday I still
have not had any reply, call, text, visit, nothing. I am raging. I
hope you are well and that it's ok to vent like this to you because I
could not phone you as my eldest can hear everything I say on phone,
he nor I have discussed his breakdown since it happened”
Call
came from Darragh Byrne from Gheel, he said “you have nothing to be
sorry about re the contents of your email to me, I understand
completely” I told him “I'm not sorry in the slightest about the
contents but I am because it was sent to you” He said “since I
became a father myself I see exactly where you're coming from, it's
awful all that has gone on and not been done and I'm amazed that
you're still sane and never think you're mad because I think you're
the strongest woman I ever met to still be standing upright after non
stop shit your way” I told him “I'm not mad, I'm fucking furious”
He said “you're funny” We talked about my eldests break down, he
said “we have female support worker that I wish he would engage
with because she has a very good rapport with service users” I
told him “my eldest would not feel comfortable around any female
and despite having met Edel, he didn't want her around in the last
meeting and he told me he couldn't even talk to girls at school”
Darragh said “I think he has had a huge anxiety crisis” once I
explained about him not feeling his hands and telling me that they
felt all “tingly” I again ranted about Gheel and “their apology
of a service” “I want to know what they get paid and what the
Family Support Plan is, why all the secrecy about this, even now
after 3 years” I got no answer. He said “it's great that you're
getting eldest out of the house regularly” I said “it's a
disgrace that I have to set my alarm at 5am and help my eldest do
this when they should be doing it so why are they not coming up with
idea’s to help him out of his agoraphobia” He said “I will
call you tomorrow” He is a nice enough lad but for fuck sake
platitudes
mean nothing and achieve nothing.
I
believe Gheel are so used to dealing with service users at the other
end of the Autism Spectrum where they are in complete control that a
loose cannon like me and my boys who will not fit into their boxes
makes a problem for them, in other words, they don't know what to do
and so do nothing at all. Bastards.
25th
May
I
got up at 5.30 and woke my eldest. We were out walking at 6am, me
with not a scrap of make up on me. Eldest told me “I don't want to
go for a long walk, just round the block”
I'm
just back from a Dublin Bay 90 min Cruise with the charity lads. One
of them had rang me and nagged me non stop to make me go and I'm glad
I did because it was just so lovely and peaceful, blue sea, blue sky
and the sun splitting the trees. We landed at Howth. There was eight
of us just throwing a ball I brought about in a park and we laughed
our heads off, simple pleasures and good company lifted me. A
George Michael lookalike was on the ship, I love and adore George
Michael. I couldn't help myself after nudging the other volunteers
about my love of George so I did a side step then a slide to get
myself next to him and one of the volunteers took a lot of photo's
and we all started singing "Let's go outside"
I
had an email from the radio studio asking me if I would fill a slot
for their health, well being and relaxation programme. I'm thinking
about it but I need to find more self confidence. I would love to do
it. I am full of ideas, I am passionate about Holistic Massage and
have an extensive catalogue of relaxation CD's and I can talk the
hind legs of a donkey but my confidence is zero.
Had
a letter from Legal Aid, it was dated one week before I received it.
I have to go on Monday, they are stupidly asking questions I've
already answered and provided via documentation. It doesn't give me
much faith re their representation.
I asked my eldest at 5pm if he wanted to go out walking, he said no. I walked to the local shop alone. After the feeling of freedom today I feel I'm going down a black hole. I'm going to end up in a mental institution.
My
eldest told me he has a lump in his groin. I made an appointment for
him with the GP, it's always like a military operation sorting
anything out for him so he will feel okay. He then told me that he's
not going because the lump has gone down now but he
wants sleeping tablets, for anxiety, he said they work great and are
not addictive for him, I told him to go talk to the doctor about it.
I
got an awful fright this morning when I got up and there was no sight
of my eldest in the house at 6am, he had gone out for a walk, he told
me later “a Garda car followed me for a bit but then drove off but
I had no fear because I took a sleeping tablet to get me out the
house and they worked great on my anxiety”
I
went to a carers meeting today in Baldoyle. A woman from the HSE
attended to to give us a talk. What a condescending
fucking bitch she was, she left us all fuming.
One
lady was in tears about her son going to court (he has special needs
and he's addicted to diet coke but he walked into a shop and had no
money so he just took the diet coke and left and the shop owner had
him arrested) I asked this HSE woman “is there anyone who can go
along and support this lady because she's in her 70's and she's
scared” the HSE woman asked her “do you have a solicitor” the
elderly lady replied “yes” The HSE woman said “well you have
support then” the condescending bitch. I told her “solicitors are
for points of law, not support, which the lady is clearly desperate
for” I gave the lady SHINE's mental health phone number and told
her “tell them it's an emergency” I hope she found someone to
support her and advocate for her son. Another
person at the carers meeting said “I haven't had respite in
decades” the HSE condescending bitch said “that's what the
Respite Grant is for” I said “it's been bloody cut and as we are
all in dire poverty it goes towards our basic needs as in rent and
bills” I was incensed when I left but the man who was facilitating
the meeting handled the woman's lack of real answers very well and he
could read our incredulous faces. The worst advice of all was she
told us all to all “step back and not mollycoddle those you care
for and you will be surprised at the service user's willingness to
then engage with professionals if you did so” I told her “you're
obviously not a mother then are you and never had any need to use
your own services” she blushed bright red and got very defensive.
I then asked “and what services and professionals would that be
then when we get sod all at present” she gave no answer except to
say “it's all political” The HSE's shit never changes, it's just
a different consistency.
25th
May
My
youngest posted spurious and untrue allegations again about me online
so I emailed him and told him it had better stop and he should grow
up, no reply off course but his account is now private.
27th
May
Out
this morning at 8am walking my dog but after having such beautiful
weather the rain came bouncing down on top of us.
Had
a two hour meeting with a Barrister and the solicitor, they seemed
like nice men but they have only four days to get to know all about
my case for divorce. I then heard so much bullshit from them, the
only word I could conjure up is I felt bullied. They want me to get
down to them ASAP with proof of all up to date bills and any receipts
I have. I should start planting some trees due the paper I've got
thru over the years,
Darragh
Byrne from Gheel rang, he said “I want to take you to court when
you go for your divorce, I don't want you to be alone that day” I
said “I'll be fine, two of the charity volunteer lads said they'll
come and protect me but I don't know if they actually will or not”
He said “even if they do, I'm coming too as you have had enough to
cope with on your own” That's very kind and thoughtful of him.
I
had completely forgot about the burst blood vessel in my eye, it took
4 days to clear and the yellow dye the optician put in it took just
as long to clear but all is back to normal now. My blood pressure is
now also fine but I was prescribed beta blockers to take just in
case.
On
the bus coming home from Legal Aid, I was sitting behind a woman who
was reading a newspaper and she turned to me and asked “have you
heard about the newborn baby in China stuck down a drainpipe” We
started chatting and out of the blue she said “thank you” I said
“what for” she said “for talking to me because most people look
at me and judge me, I have had serious drug problems” She did look
like she'd had a hard life but haven't we all, she was just a nice
chatty lady, I nearly died when she started crying, I put my arm on
her shoulder and gave her packet of tissues. I was sorry to have to
tell her my stop was next, she asked me for my name and told me “I
hope we meet again” I wish I'd had the time to exchange numbers
with her, she clearly needed a friend, bless her, I doubt I'll see
her again as I don't normally get the number 15 bus.
28th
May
My
eldest went out walking on his own but told me he felt spooked the
whole time and kept looking over his shoulder.
The
Health Ministers office rang me and it looks like not even a
government minister can get any answer out of Gheel. They
have written to Gheel twice now and been ignored. I was advised to
write to the Data Commissioner. I will do that once this week is
over. I was also sent an email.
Subject:
Parliamentary Reply
QUESTION
NO: 256
DÁIL
QUESTION addressed to the Minister for Health (Dr. James
Reilly)
by Deputy Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin
for WRITTEN ANSWER on 22/05/2013
*To ask the Minister for Health when a Freedom of Information request from a person (details supplied) in Dublin 5 will be fulfilled; and if he will make a statement on the matter.
Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin T.D.
Details Supplied: requested information from ----------------------
REPLY.
The request referred to has been submitted to the Health Service Executive. Under the Freedom of Information legislation the Health Service Executive is a completely separate body from the Department of Health. Statutory responsibility for compliance with the provisions of the Freedom of Information Acts rests entirely with the Health Service Executive.
Provisions within the Freedom of Information legislation allow for an appeals process should any prescribed body fail to meet its requirements under the Acts.
by Deputy Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin
for WRITTEN ANSWER on 22/05/2013
*To ask the Minister for Health when a Freedom of Information request from a person (details supplied) in Dublin 5 will be fulfilled; and if he will make a statement on the matter.
Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin T.D.
Details Supplied: requested information from ----------------------
REPLY.
The request referred to has been submitted to the Health Service Executive. Under the Freedom of Information legislation the Health Service Executive is a completely separate body from the Department of Health. Statutory responsibility for compliance with the provisions of the Freedom of Information Acts rests entirely with the Health Service Executive.
Provisions within the Freedom of Information legislation allow for an appeals process should any prescribed body fail to meet its requirements under the Acts.
30th May
Eldest
woke me up 4.30am. He said he wanted to come to town with me. I told
him the town would be heaving with people but he said he would be
fine, so we got the 8.30 bus, then the bus back to Tesco and got our
shopping for the weekend and came home. I feel shattered but I'm glad
that my eldest coped very well in town. I'm all set now for tomorrow
I think. I'm just waiting on Darragh ringing to tell me what time he
will pick me up, I will be glad when it's tomorrow night.
I
had a strange phone call tonight, a bloke said “Hi It's Patrick,
can I speak to youngest please” I said “you have wrong number,
youngest doesn't live here” He said “can you hold on a sec”
then just hung up.
I
feel blessed today because I had three calls from the charity
volunteer lads wishing me luck for tomorrow and Darragh rang me to
ask me when I want to be picked up. The rest of the volunteers sent
me good luck texts.
My
dog was nearly made extinct today, she's so greedy. I left out mince
to defrost, it would have been my dinner for the next three days and
she friggin gobbled it whilst it was still frozen. I also bought a
Jamaican cake, it's lovely with butter on and I put in the bread bin
and how my dog managed to get that and eat it all, I will never know.
I cursed her.
31st
May Divorce:
My
eldest wanted to come to court with me at the last minute but I told
him he would have to get changed first and he wouldn't.
I'm
glad he didn't come to court with me because I wouldn't have coped
with the stress of him being in such a tense atmosphere. The court
was packed out and the noise was overwhelming, like being in an
Avery.
Darragh
had collected me at 8.30am. He got lost. I got into a panic and had
to jump out of his car to let him go off and find a parking space.
I was thrilled when two of my volunteer friends walked into the court
together. They're a great laugh and wouldn't even let me go to the
toilet on my own. The ex turned up looking like his usual tramp self
for court purposes with his giant rucksack and he was alone, he's no
longer bald and no longer had a goatee beard either. T said “fuck
me he looks worse than we do” and then said to me “what the fuck
were you ever doing with an ugly like that, you're a stunning looking
woman” The ex
looked absolutely dreadful, he's aged about 20 years since I last saw
him and he didn't stop staring at me which the lads saw and told me
about. I was in and out of the conference room with the solicitor and
the barrister.
The
ex agreed to move back into the cottage and to pay the mortgage,
there was not a mention of he should have been doing that for the
past 7 years. I got told something about how I will no longer be
liable for the debt of the mortgage and will need to sign to have my
name off the deeds when he's paid off the mortgage. I will inherit
his pension if he dies or I'll be entitled to 50% when it matures and
the boys are entitled to a half share also but the UK might not
comply with any order about this from Ireland so I or someone for me
will have to go thru the UK courts.
He
agreed to accept and not fight the Safety order which will last for 5
years.
He
wanted and got all the maintenance orders thrown out, even tho I was
owed €13,000 to date, my legal team decided that was the best
course of action so I did not have half the debt of the mortgage, but
then told me “it's not written in gold”
He
agreed to me having full custody (I went mad at the Barrister) he
will leave the kids to decide if they want to see him, a complete
joke but will look good on paper for him which was his whole
intention.
One
thing I did say to Barrister was “I still haven't traced the money
from two previous homes sold in any of his bank accounts and the
cheques were in joint names and I never got a cent” I was told “if
he now swans around with money to burn you can take him back to court
as he would not only be in contempt of court but of lying on a sworn
affidavit”
The
ex was a busy bee non stop smoking and texting on his phone the times
I saw him outside. I walked outside to T and the ex was sitting on
the ground and staring straight at me, that man gives me the
shudders.
At
1.15pm the divorce was granted, only I was put on the stand, he said
not a word in court. He just kept staring at me. When I came out I
did a leap and a side kick. I was so happy. I jumped into T's arms
and hugged him, then Darragh's then shocked the solicitor by hugging
him too. Me and T and Darragh walked towards the town and as soon as
I walked outside the court I did the Highland Fling. I always said I
would do that. T cracked up laughing. Darragh offered to drive me
home but I said no I'm going for a cuppa tea with T because I was so
hyper and just wanted to calm myself down. I was walking arm in arm
with Darragh on one side and T on the other and some randon bloke
said
"I'd give her one" which was totally inappropriate and I
hadn't a clue who he was. We all started laughing. I
am over the moon I'm no longer that man's wife but I'm also so very
bloody angry at being shafted financially, legally and morally the
past seven years. I did previously worry that I'd cry because it is
sad that I was divorcing the man I was once so much in love with and
would have done anything for but I didn't feel any sadness at all,
just relieved after all these years to be shot of such a nut case who
never deserved me in the first place. After having a cup of tea with
T I got the bus home and sent my eldest a text telling him it's all
over and I'm safe.
As
soon as I got home I asked my eldest for a hug and he asked me how to
make a cup of tea and he made me one. I told him about the antics of
the volunteer lads making me laugh and how it made what would have
been a horrible experience, great for me and then told him all about
what happened in court.
My
ex husbands ex girlfriend sent me an email:
“Hi
Anne, He's miserable. Thinks he got a shitty deal all he did was moan
that he has the debt, I said, well, it is YOUR debt wtf... He went
home on 2 o clock bus on Friday, he wanted to get off the bus and see
me, told him I couldn’t then didn’t hear from him until this
morning, he was moaning about how alone he is, he moaned about the
house, then told me
about
the arrears but didn’t seem at all happy, nothing would make that
man happy. Miserable man, the only thing he loves is misery. He
spent Friday and Saturday drinking alone. You were only one
celebrating when you left Court, as it should be :-)”
3rd
June
A
miracle happened. I was just popping out to the shop and asked my
eldest if he wanted to go to the seaside with me and he said yes. I
was delighted. We got the Dart there but spent only 10 mins walking
to where the ships were and then we got the Dart home again. The poor
soul said “the last time I saw the sea was in 2002” as if I
needed reminding, we were home far too quickly for me but my heart
soared at the mere fact he went out and travelled for the first time
ever by Dart, he saw the sea and came home again. Such a remarkable
happening.
4th
June
Voice
mail from Darragh Byrne from Gheel at 5.18pm “Hi Anne, sorry I did
not get the chance to call you earlier today, was bit of a mad day. I
hope you had a nice weekend and enjoying the long overdue sunshine
and that all is well. I'll try to call you again tomorrow”
5th
June
My
eldest said he wanted to go to Tesco with me. We had breakfast in the
cafe which was lovely. I told my eldest I was trying to juggle my
time as I had to go to town tomorrow morning and then again in the
afternoon to see about my new job and start date but I need to get a
lawn mower so my eldest said we can go to Argos in town which we did
on the 1.30 bus and he coped amazingly well going to town with me. We
got a taxi back.
I
hadn't used the lawn mower for 5 minutes when it went on fire. I got
on phone to Argos, the woman laughed at the way I was telling her of
the calamity and we got chatting and I found out that I know her
brother, how weird is that.
Got
a letter from Legal Aid outlining all the court orders from my
Divorce but it makes no sense to me at all and it doesn't mention the
Safety Order or that if he dies I get all his pension, it only says
when his pension matures that I get 50%. I will be frigging 72 years
old FFS. I better not think of how he shafted me and the kids all of
these years and again thru the court.
Darragh
from Gheel rang at 6pm to see how I was after my Divorce and said “I
felt honoured to have been with you” I
told him “I know Gheels staff are reading my blog and I will not
stop writing on it” and told him “my biggest fear is me kicking
the bucket and my eldest being left alone in the world” He said
“you have never to worry about your eldest because I will make sure
that if anything ever happens to you because you have no family that
Gheel will always look after him and get him his own accommodation”
I said “why is it not happening now, is it because the HSE claim
they have no money and will do anything to get out of paying up and
mum is here” I said “intervention is surely cheaper than
awaiting crisis” Darragh agreed but the poor bugger is just a
worker, not a boss. I told him to put all he just said to me about my
eldest in writing (again)
6th
June
I
did something really stupid last night, I tried fake tan, it said
wash off after an hour, I did and woke up looking like an oompa
loompa this morning. I am the colour of burnt orange, my eldest
pissed himself laughing. I'm never doing that again. I don't know
what I was thinking.
My
eldest woke me up at 7am asking if I wanted a McDonald's breakfast,
that means he wanted one. He said “I've been out walking for two
hours and took the dog with me and three dogs tried to attack her but
I smacked one on the nose” my nerves were shattered hearing that.
He came to town with me for three hours because he agreed to get
passport photo's done at the bus station for his travel pass which
can also be used as ID so he can open a bank account but I couldn't
find the place, then he started on at me saying he wasn't getting his
photo done in front of people, even tho I said it would be empty this
early in the morning. We got the bus back.
I
had to rush out again in the afternoon for a meet and greet at a job
opening. It was a long time waiting despite having an appointment,
three other new workers were there too, a lovely young girl and a
lady from Brazil, she told me when we left that her friend waited
five months to get work from that agency.
I
took chocolates into the Legal Aid offices for the girls and left a
message for the solicitor about no mention of any Safety Order. One
of the girls rang me back and said she'd emailed the solicitor and
the answer was that all I signed in court on day of divorce will be
taken into account and I need to wait till the court send out all
documents in full.
I
missed the bus by one minute so jumped on a 15 and T who went to
court with me got on the same bus. I was so busy chatting away to
him I forgot to get off at my stop. I'm now limping something awful
due to bad ankles that are now swollen after being on my feet all
day. I was waiting on my second bus to go home and my eldest sent me
a text asking “do I need a passport to travel to the UK from
Belfast” I sent Darragh a text to call me because my eldests
message had me freak out, all I was thinking was he'd drunk his
Whisky and had lost all his inhibitions and I was dreading going
home.
Darragh
rang, “understand your fears about the whisky, I think asking about
a passport is a good sign because he's now thinking about the future
and not suicide and if you're at all worried about how he is when you
get home you can text me”
My
eldest was not drunk at all when I got home which was a huge relief.
I had four measures myself in an attempt to make sure he had less to
drink but he did not go overboard with it which is what I was worried
about.
7th
June
My
eldest was out in St Ann's park at 5am again this morning. He told me
he wanted to get a bike and would cycle instead of walking in future.
I think it's a great idea as he's not been on a bike since age 12. We
went to a Cycle shop and he got one, it cost €329, robbing bastard,
there wasn't even a price tag on it but when I mentioned it, my
eldest told me to shut up and he bought it. Only then did it hit me
we would have to walk the whole way back pushing a bike because my
eldest would not go on it, he said he would not feel comfortable
wobbling all over the place in front of everyone, I told him people
have more to concern themselves than focus on him but he was not
having it. It was roasting hot and I'd already told him this morning
that I didn't want to be walking all over the place today because my
ankles are still swollen and very painful. He said he'd cycle
tomorrow when the streets are empty. It took us two hours to walk
home. He's still taking a sleeping tablet to take the edge of his
anxiety. By the time we got to the roundabout I was in bits with
walking in the heat, we stopped at the Spar and he sat outside whilst
I went into the shop and got us a roll to eat and drinks and we sat
at the tables outside. My friend sent me a text and I rang her to
tell her what we were doing, she thought it was remarkable that my
eldest was now getting out and about with me but knows it leaves me
no breathing space at all. She will call me next week and said I can
always email at any time. When we were leaving, some random man
walked right up to my eldest and started talking about rock music
because of the t shirt my eldest was wearing, he coped with that okay
because he was wearing sun glasses. Every muscle in me was hurting by
the time we walked home pushing that frigging bike, we did take turns
pushing it but it kept bashing into my eldests ankle. He told me he'd
ordered a red t shirt because he's always wearing black and is fed up
with that and he wants me to get him a few pairs of jeans as nothing
fits him any more. I told him again that he's losing far too much
weight for his height but he said he knows everything about his BMI
and told me that I know nothing or I'd be losing weight myself. The
fucking cheek of him, I've never been and never will be the weight he
got to so he has s a cheek talking to me like that. I'm meeting my ex
husbands ex girlfriend in person today and my eldest asked if I
wanted him to come with me because it could be a set up by dad. I
said I'd be fine because it's in a public place and I have the
charity volunteer lads in town if I need help in a hurry, he asked me
to text him to let him know I was okay, which I thought was nice of
him, caring about my safety.
My
ex husbands ex girlfriend seemed like a nice girl, a bit too quiet
for me, she thinks a lot before she answers or speaks but was chatty
enough just to stop any awkward pauses. We went to the Italian
Connection for dinner then she asked me if I wanted to go walking,
she's a Dubliner and knows everywhere like the back of her hand. We
went to the park and sat and she told me about the ex and his first
“so called suicide attempt” that she now knows was all for her
benefit “as who the hell takes mouthful of tablets in front of you
if they're really suicidal” She said “he was on the phone to his
GP telling her he was ill but the doctor disagreed and told him he
was well and didn't need help, so he argued with the doctor then
walked into the kitchen and grabbed a handful of pills and threw them
down his throat” She said “I learned all about manipulation when
I met two young lads in a mental hospital who would always take a
handful of tablets in front of people just to get their attention and
I knows the ex was doing the exact same thing because he wanted the
attention from the GP and he did it because he didn't get his own
way” I said “I know how he plays that game so very well” She
walked me to my bus stop. It was fine and not awkward at all.
8th
June
My
eldest went out on his bike at 4am and “went over the handle bars
scraping my face and my hands but I sorted myself out by putting
Dettol on my cuts” he said “I misjudged the kerb and I'm not
going out again till my face is healed” Poor thing, he looks like
he's been in a boxing ring.
I
just remembered my eldest said “I need a final push now” after I
told him we need to find a way to get him out and mixing with people
and living a life and I suggested I set up a meeting with Darragh
Byrne to see what could be done but my eldest was dead against it so
when I told Darragh, he said he would start texting my eldest on a
regular basis and my eldest actually replied to him and told him he
was fine, another great result for him.
9th
June
My
eldest said “I want us to to move back to the UK, I hate it here,
I've read on line about all the help and support for people like me
and I want to try and get sorted” I told him “we have no money
and no home to go to and no income and we are scraping by on day to
day basis and how would I get you on a flight even if we did have the
means to do so” I told him “we are in a recession and it's in
the UK too and even people with degrees cannot get jobs” and
reminded him the many times I tried but failed to get us re-homed
away from his father when I left him with two small kids in tow. My
eldest is not happy at all now and has shut down and is moody and
snappy at me. He said “you won't even fucking try” I felt like
screaming it was him who would not try back in 2005 when he refused
to come with me and my youngest to London but I didn't, maybe I
should have, it might have sunk in with him all I gave up to come
back for him, and it got me no where at all, it just lost me all
these years of my life and now I have lost my youngest.
I
took the lawn mower back to Argos today, they wouldn't collect it so
I was told I had to return it myself. I got a taxi to get me to town
then I met the most stupid boy ever who works there, he said “is it
a return” I said “no, I just like carrying it with me” He said
“when did you buy it” I said “on Wednesday, it went on fire and
I rang the store” He said “who did you speak to” I said “how
would I know when they didn't tell me their name” He said “well
did you use it” I said “no, I just decided to stick some grass on
it and bring it back, now go and get me someone with a brain will
you” Bless him, he blushed bright red and a woman came over and
apologised on his behalf. I told her the lawn mower started smoking
then caught fire after 5 minutes, more apologies, “don't have
another one in stock that you want to change it for” so I got my
money back and went to the Jervis Centre, they had what I wanted so
yet another taxi to get home.
My
eldest put the lawn mower together for me and off I went to cut the
grass and smoke poured out of it, so I've given up.
10th
June
My
eldest is in a very strange mood. When he doesn't reply to my “Good
Morning” I know he's in a bad mood and I don't know why.
I
went out to buy Germolene cream for my eldest because he said Dettol
was a bit harsh on his skin. His cuts look much better now but he
said he still won't go out till the cuts are completely healed. I
hope it doesn't set him back because he was practically going out
every day for the past fortnight.
At
4.19pm Darragh Byrne sent me a text “bedridden with the flu at the
moment, hope to be back to full health tomorrow, can I call you
then?”
I'm
yelping in pain with arthritis in my wrists and ankles. I went to
Tesco and once I got home my eldest told me he opened my mail, it was
a gas bill for €100 and I'd just cleared it and thought I was now
in credit. There is no end in sight to this poverty.
11th
June
Darragh
from Gheel rang me at 12.50pm, a general catch up and still no
written reply to my email to him or any written letter about who will
look after my eldest if anything happens to me. Still no reply from
that twat Gheels CEO Peter Byrne or that ignorant bitch Geraldine
Murphy.
Email
from my youngest 11 June 2013 15:53
“I will be available to collect my belongings from the house on Tuesday 18th June. Gheel will escort me to the house to do so”
“I will be available to collect my belongings from the house on Tuesday 18th June. Gheel will escort me to the house to do so”
I
forwarded youngests email to my eldest so he knew youngest would be coming
to the house and now he's in such a dreadful mood, he asked me
“should I move all my stuff out of his room” I told him “no and
I would appreciate your help carrying down all the boxes I've packed
up for youngest” My eldest dragged his hands thru his hair, that's
his sign of extreme agitation, oh fuck I thought. He started shouted
at me “how the fuck can he afford to go to the UK then come back to
get his stuff, who's taking his stuff back to the UK,
how
the fuck are we ever going to get money to do that” I said “I
don't know anything, you know what I know which is on the email from
youngest” He said “why the fuck are Gheel involved with him if
he's not in Ireland any more, what the fuck does he have to do with
Gheel when they would not help him when he was cutting himself” I
said again “I don't know, you can ask my youngest yourself if you
want to know” He asked me “Are we ever going to get the money to
go home” I said “it doesn't look like it as things stand” he
slammed my bedroom door then came straight back in again and just
stared at me, I knew just by looking at him that he wanted to hurt me
in some way, I was sure he was going to hit me, I could tell just by
looking at his eyes but I stayed very calm and said “if I manage to
get money today and we leave to go back to the UK on tonight’s
ferry tell me what exactly will change in your life, what difference
will it make to you personally, what will living in another country
do for you” He roared at me “Don't fucking take it out on me” I
said “I asked you a simple question because I really want to know
and me knowing could make a huge difference if I knew the answers to
what I've just asked you” He shouted “fuck off, fuck off, you
just fuck off or else” but I couldn't “fuck off” because he was
in my bedroom, this must have dawned on him because he left my room
slamming not only my door but his own door too.
I
sent Darragh Byrne a text at 4.36pm telling him “I feel scared”
and the reasons why. It's now 6.45pm and not one reply have I had,
not even to say, will call you later.
I'm
worried due to my eldests prior violent history with me about what
would happen next. He has such an explosive personality at the best
of times but I know what being punched and kneed by him feels like, I
know what the terror of being at the end of him waving a 20 inch
knife feels like. Gheel know it too as they had to attend a case
conference in the refuge because of it and do they give a fuck, no.
I
tried to sort out in my head what might happen.
1/
He sees he has no future at all because I know moving to the UK has
been on his mind since last Thursday so he might kill himself. He is
always saying he wants to die.
2/
He might attack me again. I have no one to talk my fears over with so
my fears are all I can think about, I'm sitting here with the shakes
and worried sick out of my mind, it's all consuming and when I get
like this I cannot do anything at all.
3/
He will stop talking to me for weeks or months on end, in his head,
everything is my fault, all his perceived shit life is his mothers
fault according to him. He's so good at the big sulk, he knows I hate
it as he knows I have no one else to talk to which is why he does it,
I shouldn't call it a sulk, it's more like mental torture.
A/
He alone insisted on jumping camp and staying with his father after
his father gave him ultimate control of me and my youngest in 2005
and he thought that would last even when we had gone despite me and
my youngest begging him and telling him otherwise. He was old enough
to know what his father was always like, he saw it and he experienced
it but still he stayed behind.
B/
He is so lucky I gave up my new and peaceful life and my college
course and friends to return for him.
C/
I could have walked away from him when he turned 16, I could have
walked away from him when he attacked me. I could have had him
arrested when he chased me at the end of that large carving knife, I
could have let the refuge evict him but I did none of these things
because I love him. He's very lucky to have me at all after all he
has done and said to me, after all the crap and stupid tantrums and
awful behaviour from him.
9pm
and still no reply from Darragh Byrne. Not a sound has my eldest made
since his eruption at me, he hasn't used the toilet or had his usual
6pm bath. I've hidden all the scissors and the small peeling knives
and hidden one hammer I found but I think the other one is still in
my youngests room. I've taken all the precautions I can. I can do no
more except wait and wait with my own end scenarios running thru my
tired brain.
I
heard nothing from eldest the rest of the afternoon and night. I
found a key to my bedroom door so I'm going to start using it for
safety reasons but my mind isn't tortured for me but for him. I feel
more scared of what he'll do to himself. I could not give a flying
fuck about me.
12th
June
I
heard my eldest go down to use the toilet at midnight. I don't know
how he can not use the toilet all day like that. My friend has been
emailing and texting me as support. I had a dreadful night sleep
because I was on tenterhooks. I hope he's proud of himself having his
mother live this way. Where is Gheel who are paid to support me but
don't care.
I
emailed my friend
“Hi Friend, nothing amiss, all quiet here. Not going to check on him tho, too scared to get a mouthful or see worse. Have to go to hospital this morning. I will try texting him and see if any reply. Still not a word out of Darragh. Sorry, yet again, you are the one always there for me. You really are an amazing woman. Take care”
“Hi Friend, nothing amiss, all quiet here. Not going to check on him tho, too scared to get a mouthful or see worse. Have to go to hospital this morning. I will try texting him and see if any reply. Still not a word out of Darragh. Sorry, yet again, you are the one always there for me. You really are an amazing woman. Take care”
Email
from the Sinn Fein Minister. He said he's not had a reply yet
from Health Minister Lynch, the same woman I wrote to 3 years ago by
email and who didn't reply to me. Shower of useless bastards.
I
had to go to hospital and get a heart monitor put on for 24 hours and
I've to return it tomorrow. I sent my eldest a text telling him
where I was and was delighted when he sent me a reply “okay”
The
monitor isn't at all uncomfortable just a bit annoying and underneath
the sticky pads are now incredibly itchy. I have no idea when I get
the results.
I
was so glad to get out of the house today as it really does take your
mind off things. I met a lad in Tesco who heard me ask staff where I
could get bus to the hospital, the lad said he was going to bus stop
too so I trotted along with him and he got on bus and showed me where
to get off, I don't think he understood one word I said but he kept
laughing at me yapping away to him.
There
were lots of people in the hospital waiting room, it was tiny and
roasting hot. I had full hot flush and told all present so they
shuffled their bums to let me sit next to window that was only open a
crack. I asked did the staff think we were going to jump out the
window then had such a laugh with two men, I told them they didn't
know how lucky they were because they will never go thru what women
go thru, one man said, well we have to shave, I said so do we and we
grow beards after the menopause, he'd no answer to that and luckily
his name was called and he walked out laughing.
I
jumped on the bus straight to town after the hospital. I didn't want
to go home at all. I had to give a presentation to the 20 new
volunteers in a huge room. The poor things were probably bored to
death and dying for a break but I told them I don't bite and got into
my stride and gave the presentation, it was all set up for me on
powerpoint, we went for tea after and I had eggs benedict, I never
had that before and it was so yummy, poached eggs, spinach and cheese
sauce. I was stuffed afterwards. One of the lads walked me to the bus
stop afterwards.
I
sent
Darragh a text saying “I am so disappointed in you” when I was on
the on bus coming home. When I got off the bus at my stop I saw three
Garda in my street and my stomach flipped. I was convinced it had
something to do with my eldest. I need to get my nerves sorted.
12.19pm
text from Darragh
“Hi
Anne, I’m really sorry about that, I was in a meeting when you
texted so I could not respond. When I got out I was side-tracked with
an emergency issue with one of our other service users. It is not
that I do not care, I did not realise the severity of the situation,
I suppose that is the problem with text messages, when I didn’t
hear from you again I thought naively that things were ok. Are you
free to talk now?”
I
sent Darragh a reply text. “my eldest is in an awful mood, he's no
longer even having his routine bath, he will not eat, he's awake all
night so our paths do not cross, it's very stressful and I've tried
talking to him but he will not respond so it's best I stay out of his
way, I'm falling apart with the stress and he's also been going thru
my handbag, I'm worried sick”
I
took my dog out for a walk and Darragh rang me, he said “I didn't
realise how serious your text was last night and I am sorry” but
sorry does not help me. He said “all I know about youngest is that
he rang the outreach team and asked if he could get lift from them to
the house to collect some of his belongings
on
the 18th.
I said “it's a disgrace no one thought to ask me if it was okay, if
it was convenient for me and what time will he be coming because I've
not been told anything” he said “I don't know myself” After
explaining all about my eldest he said “I now realises how serious
things are and if you call me or text me I will respond immediately”
I said “do you know how it feels to have to lock yourself in your
room at night and then be scared to go to sleep” he said “I don't
but I know the awful stress it causes and it's best to keep to
yourselves for now”
My
friend told me to get to a refuge or call the Garda because she has
seen first hand what my son is capable of and has been to many
conference meetings with me, she has been my greatest support since
2007 and it's a testimony to what kind of person she is that even tho
she's left the job she's still in touch with me and knows our
situation inside and out and she's met the boys too. I didn't go to
the refuge or ring Garda because I didn't want an escalation but I
would have done if necessary. What a life.
My
text to Darragh at 7.17pm: “I have not seen him at all Darragh, I
can hear him moving about tho. Day 2 of him not having his bath, he
will probably be up all night and come down when I'm asleep. It's a
very stressful situation. It's best I stay out of his way but then he
will claim that it's me not talking to him. Tis all crazy. I will
keep you posted”
Imagine
me still doing this at age 70. I've met many ladies who are in their
70's and it's heartbreaking to see them cry in carers meetings, one
lady had never had a break at all.
Email
to Friend:
“Hi
Friend,
All
quiet here, no communication from me laddo, have not seen him either
but can hear him move about so know he is ok. He was awake early
hours of morning and went out on his bike too, hopefully getting out
will put him in a better mood, he just walked past the living room,
he knows I'm in here and not a word out of him. Darragh sent text
last night too asking if all ok so at least he is on the ball now. I
am to get this halter off at hospital this morning, have to get two
buses to get there so leaving house soon. Am seriously considering
leaving my eldest, to end this misery once and for all, I have been
offered a caravan in Wexford for few weeks, only things stopping me
is my dog and cats as I know he would not even feed or water them,
need more thought if I am to do this, I am not even angry anymore,
just weary and exhausted at never being myself for worry of upsetting
him”
13th
June
9.26am
I sent a text to Darragh “ Still not seen my eldest in person but
know he is ok as he's moving about. He's been awake all night,
noticed he was out on his bike early hours of the morning. I tried
talking to him thru his bedroom door, asked him how was his bike
ride, he said okay, asked him did he go far, he said yes. Nothing
else out of him. I'm just leaving the hospital, had to return the
heart monitor. Will keep you posted re eldest”
When
I got back from the hospital and from Tesco eldest came down and took
the shopping bags from me, I said thank you but not a word did he
speak then he went back to his room. I've no clue how I should be
acting around him at all any more as he has my head spinning and I
cannot stand it. I hate this life, I really do.
I'm
wondering just what the HSE and Gheel are trying to hide as no sign
have I had about any Family Support Plan at all after asking them for
years for it. In my opinion the Family Support Plan does not fucking
exist or whatever is on it that they're getting paid for yet not
providing, maybe that's why they don't want me to see it, I wouldn't
put it past them but at the big conference meeting at the refuge
where all were told to get Dr Amitta Shah's extensive report acted on
and implemented and they did jack shit. I am so mad at them, they
think they are a law unto themselves. They will not get away with it.
14th
June
All
quiet here, still no communication from eldest. I think he's been up
all night because he was in the living room when I woke up. As soon
as he heard I was awake he went straight back into his room. His bike
has not moved so I know he's not been out on it.
Had
to empty some of my own boxes so I could pack up what's in my
youngests room. I found a tiny photo of my brother inside a book, he
was murdered age 28 and it was the only photo I ever had of him so I
was thrilled to find it and I've no recollection of how it got there.
I then found what my favourite girlfriend G gave me many moons ago, a
tiny friendship book at the bottom of a box. I miss her so much, I
would give anything to have her down to earth personality in my life
again. I cursed that bollix of an ex, he knew how much I loved her
and she loved me, we were like sisters but he got rid off (he denied
it) my little black book that had her new contact details in because
she had moved to Cyprus.
15th
June
Just
had a text from my eldest asking if I wanted him to get me a
programme I like. This means he's coming round. Big phew till the
next time. That's only three and a half days of him not talking to
me.
17th
June
Was
up at 6.30am, the first thing I noticed was my handbag had been gone
thru. I almost burst a gasket, there is nothing in it that's private
but to me my bag is like my knicker drawer, no one but me should be
in it. my eldest came downstairs calling Mum, his first actual words
to me since the 12th
he
asked me if I had Xanax because he wanted to go out on his bike
whilst people were around because he said he's too spooked being out
at 4am, he said he fell off his bike again and hurt his side, I asked
to see his injury but got told no. I asked him had he been thru my
handbag, he said yes, looking for Xanax. I bit my lip but I wanted to
tell him off.
I
spent an hour getting all my youngests belongings into the hall way
then I burst into tears. I've no idea how I'll cope tomorrow. I so
want to see that he's okay and healthy but know I could never cope
with seeing him walk away again. It would just kill me. I'm falling
apart emotionally, at the thought of seeing my youngest and with all
of eldests crap.
I
sent Darragh a text at 11.30am “ I'm falling apart, my eldest said
not a word despite him sending me a text. He started talking today
but had gone thru my handbag in the early hours of the morning,
nothing is sacred. I am on the bus en route home”
Darragh
replied he would phone me in 15 mins and he did.
He
said “I don't know what time youngest is expected to arrive, no one
has told me but I'll will try and find out for you” He asked “do
you want to be in the house or out” I said “out because I don't
think I could cope” He said “I have a meeting to go to with
another client and will come and take you out after that but with
neither of us knowing the expected time of arrival then we are both
in the dark” A lot of platitudes were then said, he does not know
what I'm going thru, he doesn't know how hurt I must feel, he
realises it will break my heart seeing youngest again and him walking
away again, etc. I just cried.
I
expected my eldest to be in talking mode after sending me a text so
when nothing came I felt very low, the worse thing you can do to a
chatter box is not talk to them, I felt like climbing the bloody
walls so just kept to my room mostly. It was bit of a shock really
when he called me this morning and came down to talk to me, he
probably realised I would go ape shit about him being in my handbag
but I didn't. I am fuming tho.
I'm
going thru my old copies and I'm determined to get the whole story of
life with Aspergers and Gheel and the HSE and all their lies and crap
but I'm convinced they will try to shut me down but I will be damned
if they think I will just disappear. It's me living with sometimes
out of control angst from my eldest on a daily basis and I have to
adjust my own personality to suit. Crazy or what.
Just
had Darragh ring me again at 5.30pm, he said “youngest is due at
the house at 12.30pm but I'm asking a support worker to stall so I
can get to you first and take you out of the house” I hope he can.
He said “I will ring you in morning and let you know, I don't know
if he is collecting everything or just what he can carry”
I
kept looking at the 5 large full boxes and large suitcase of clothes
and thought I got all that for him and not a thanks did I get, well I
did but now seeing them makes me want to scream the place down, no
wonder I'm an old moaning face cow these days. At times like this I
would normally hide away and probably will do for a couple of day's
just to lick my proverbial wounds. Strangely my eldest appears to
have gone downhill again, I haven't seen him since this morning, I
asked him if he wanted dinner, I got told “not hungry” but his
voice sounded strange, like you know when someone has been crying, I
didn't want to force the issue and made him dinner anyway and sent
him a text about it but got no reply. I think he also is fretting
about youngest coming but there's never been any love lost between
them, but he could be thinking it should be him out living a life
because he's older, he often said that. I will wait till he
approaches me. I'm out of all energy.
My
eldest had a sleep and we then had short chat about my youngest. I
asked him if he wanted to go out with me when Darragh came to collect
me, he said no. I was thinking it's cowardly of me not to be here
when youngest came but I had a lie down on top of my bed and thought
for a while and I knew it would tear me apart seeing youngest so
going out with Darragh is the right thing for me to do. I told eldest
if he changed his mind to just let me know.
18th
June
Eldest
woke me up by going out on his bike at 4am. I didn't go back to sleep
because I'm so emotional about youngest coming. Eldest returned at
5.04am. My nerves are shattered. I keep running to the toilet. I so
want to see youngest but know I can't. I cannot stop crying.
After
being told youngest would be here at 12 noon, it was changed to
1.30pm.
Text
from Darragh 11.13am“
Hi Anne, hope your ok. He will be over at about 1.30pm so I 'll be
there to collect you before that and we'll go for a walk”
I
walked to the bus stop and sat on the wall waiting for Darragh. He'd
told me he had to attend a service user's parents memorial service so
would get to me after that as fast as he could. I thanked god it was
sunny because I had sun glasses on and was crying underneath them.
Darragh arrived and I got in his car, he asked me how I was, I
couldn't answer because I was crying so much, men will never
understand what being a mother is like. Darragh took me to North
Strand, we walked up and down the beach for ages. He had forgot to
send a text to Owen who was going to the house with youngest to let
him know it was okay to go in so they hadn't gone into the house and
my eldest was texting me telling me “it's bollix about him coming
because there's no sign of him at all” All I did was cry and talk
about my kids when they were small and how we would go every day to
the beach and how intelligent they were and I never in million years
knew they had anything wrong with them and neither it seems did any
teacher or any health nurse or anyone else that kids see when they're
young. I told Darragh I miss my baby so much that it physically hurts
me.
my
eldest sent a text at 1.38pm “Packing
stuff for a while now. Being friendly enough but we don't have much
to say” my
eldest texted me at 2pm “Gone,
he looked fine, wearing short sleeved blue t shirt and you can see
horrific looking scars on right arm. Hands were shaking whole time
with nerves”
Darragh then got a text to say they had left the house and he drove
me home at 4pm
When
I got back my eldest seemed as high as a kite, he told me “his
hands were shaking the whole time he was going the thru boxes” that
started me off crying again, he said “he told me he's living in a
room in a crack den” he said “he was formal but polite and didn't
have much to say to me at all” He said “he had a short sleeve t
shirt on and his whole arm looks horrific and made me feel sick just
to see it” He said “he only took what he wanted” The rest of
his belongings have just been left in the hall, he didn't take much.
I feel sick with worry and fear about him, if he would apologise and
say he wanted to come home, I would welcome him with open arms.
Eldest wanted to go out on his bike so I had to go round the block
with him and prayed that no one would see me because my face is in
such a state with crying. My head and my heart hurts so much.
Eldest
had a bath a 6pm so at least he's getting back to normal. He then
said he was going out to St Ann's park on his bike at 7pm. He's never
done that before.
19th June
Woke
at 4am, strangely my power lead was no longer in my laptop. I have my
suspicions but won't do anything about it. It's not worth it.
The
lady from Cross care rang me. She said “it's time for Anne to live
Anne's life in peace and in quiet, it's long overdue and very much
deserved” When I told her what youngest has been writing about me,
she said “always remember what is factual and actual”
My
eldest must have heard me crying on the phone with the lady from
Cross care, he came rushing into the living room demanding, bloody
demanding “who are you talking to, what are you saying, what is
going on” I told him “nothing and it's none of your business
either”
I
kept to my bedroom for most of the morning still crying again then
decided fuck this so I got out the lawn mower and tried to mow the
front garden but as soon as I plugged it into the hall socket my
eldest came flying down the stairs shouting “what the fuck is going
on” I looked at him as if he had two heads because he wasn't making
any sense. I could only assume my youngest is i-messaging him and
filling his head with nonsense which is making him paranoid. I'm sick
of this. I cannot do jack shit but I get questioned about it. I
don't ever hear my eldest offering to cut the grass, or to put the
bins out, to offer to make me a cup of tea. He does fuck all.
20th
June Email to Darragh Byrne:
“Dear
Darragh, after the stress of the past two weeks, I've made a
decision, I'm not living with my son any longer, I'm actively seeking
to downsize accommodation thru DCC exchange programme and will take
whatever is suitable for me and me alone. I will not be giving anyone
my forwarding address. Seven plus years of constant abuse, verbal,
physical and mental from both my sons has almost brought me to my
knee's. When my eldest was diagnosed in 2007, a full extensive report
and various recommendations were made that would have potentially
eased life for all of my family and nothing was done, either by the
County who paid for the world renowned expert Dr Amitta Shah to come
to Ireland and assess my eldest and nothing was done by Dublin HSE or
Gheel Autism Services despite having the same report handed to
both services by myself in 2009.
In
2010 my eldest battered me, leaving bruises on my arm and the back of
my leg then practically held me hostage by threats to kill me or
anyone I brought into the house to help me. When I tried to show him
exactly what he'd done to me, he responded by saying “and what did
you do to deserve that then” The refuge sprang into action after a
siege situation which saw my eldest have in his possession a 20 inch
kitchen carving knife which he waved inches from my stomach and face
and proceeded to chase me down the stairs and out of the house with
this knife. Twenty Garda attended this scene for over four hours, a
riot squad also attended, despite all this no one from Gheel called
me to offer support or any other help one year after me handing over
all files regards my family to Peter Byrne. It was the refuge who
called professionals to a conference, which I recorded having been
let down and lied to by professionals for far too long, the
HSE asked Gheel to help then walked out of said meeting, the
Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning having been kind enough to visit
the house when no one else would gave her input said Dr Amitta Shah's
report and recommendations should be re read and implemented after
meeting and talking to my eldest and seeing at first hand how I had
to live. Gheel's CEO Peter Byrne stated he had not seen the report
despite me personally handing it to him and to the HSE in 2009.
Despite
Gheel knowing all that went on previously in the other County and in
Dublin regards the hostility, the abuse, the violence, all I was
offered as way of support was a once a month meeting to debrief and
two letters were sent to my eldest offering him a PA for 20 hours per
week. In 2010 after I almost cracked up due to living in such a
tense, controlled and abusive environment, both my children then age
18 and 17 years decided that “she needs to be sectioned for her own
good” and proceeded to write out what I must do for this not to
happen and made me sign it. I still have what they wrote and will
scan and send to you as it has to be seen to be believed. I was
then force fed sleeping tablets twice a day to help me “recover”
(make me pliable more like) for the record, me cracking up meant I
told them both exactly what I thought of them after my eldest
repeatedly asked me if I wanted a punch in the face. What
“she”actually needed was love, respect, support, friendship and
some happiness. As this took place over a weekend I had to endure
Friday evening, all day Saturday and all day Sunday under their
“rules” and was watched by my eldest so he made sure I had
swallowed the sleeping tablets. Due to my being so alone there was no
one to call for help. On the Monday I crept out of the house and put
a handwritten note thru the refuge office and their staff came
and got me to their office and told me I had swapped an abusive
husband for abusive children and it was appalling and they would not
stand by and watch, they wanted to immediately evict both my sons,
they contacted Gheel and I did not hear one word back offering any
support, advice, nothing.
Fast
forward to my youngests diagnosis, which broke my heart, alone,
lonely, monthly phone support from Gheel and now another kid with
Aspergers, only when I was almost hysterical on the phone did Michael
McCreadie tell Edel to get me out of the house. I met with him twice,
he actually said “you must have known” re my youngest, Actually I
did not, I was in shock, distressed and depressed beyond measure. my
youngest then began changing, I was told despite his diagnosis “he's
still your youngest, you're still very close” Unfortunately he was
not, he changed but who listens to a mother who had her child by her
side his whole life and Gheel had only met him on four occasions.
My
youngest began self harming in December 2011, when I found out I told
Gheel. My youngest became disgustingly verbally abusive that left me
in tears constantly. My youngest tried to get himself admitted into a
Psych Unit on February 9th 2012, they refused, so he slashed his arms
with a razor, he took an overdose of meds and left his bedroom door
open for me to see him. He refused to have me present at our local
hospital. He did the same again on my
birthday on 14th
February 2012 and was admitted to the psych unit for seven days, he
was diagnosed with a Personality Disorder, despite this, a full 11
months later when my youngest was in self mutilation mode again Gheel
claimed not to know anything about his mental health diagnosis. I
was told in December 2012 this was not on his notes and so chaos and
destruction continued. I ended up scanning and emailing his medical
record to Paul myself this year. You know the rest but after Tuesday
18th
June, I have had enough. I now know but have probably
always known that my sons hate and detest me, they have not and have
never had an ounce of respect, love or concern for their own
mother despite all I sacrificed for their well-being and it has been
a sacrifice.
I
would have liked a social life, a work life and a sex life but I put
them first, more fool me. my youngest informed my eldest that he
needs to be careful of me and not to trust me as far as money goes as
he was thrown out after handing over his disability money (€50 per
week) That all I care about is money, that he should never trust me.
That he is now a man and should demand respect from me. That because
of me he is having to live in a crack den, that I have an online blog
where I say how much I hate Autism, that he should read it, that I
talk about them on it (because of this I've had to make my
blog private but I'm putting all on to a new site) He does not care
if I drop dead, my eldest too needs to get the fuk away from me,
never to trust me and to be careful with me at all times. So I am
done with both of them, now and forever more, I am moving on, alone,
I have totally wasted my life and for what, non stop abuse, libellous
lies which are apparently continuous re my youngest online.
I
am keeping to myself at home and will continue to do so till I am
ready to move, Gheel will then have to step in for my eldest despite
failing with my youngest and so he is no longer in the country and
still self harming and has an unsupported mental health illness.
I
spoke over my options with Carers Support on Wednesday 19th
June and will be getting far away as soon as I am able to. My
eldest does not know of my plans, he will be informed when I feel
safe enough to do so, he is volatile, abusive and aggressive at the
best of times so I am protecting myself first and foremost. I
will, after asking him for many years and getting told no, try and
get him to go for photo ID so that he has his own bank account and
proof of his existence. He has previously filled in housing forms so
these will simply have to be reactivated to get him his own place. I
will need your support until such time as I am gone and for which I'm
grateful and I will carry on fighting to see what Gheel are paid for
since 2009 as all this should never have happened to anyone. My
family has been totally destroyed”
I'm
awake at 5am, eldest must have been out at god knows what time as the
key was no longer in the front door. For the second time this week
the power lead has been removed from my laptop and it's right next to
my bed. I have no doubts at all that my eldest has removed it and
taken my laptop into his room to try and get access to it but he
would never guess my password, I'm not stupid. I pulled him up about
it and his normal response would have been to bite the head off me
but he didn't, he just said “maybe it came loose” I said no way
did it and I took it out and put it back in to show him and asked him
how would it come loose then, Only then did he shout and I know it's
because he knows I know what he's up to, it was written all over his
face, he shouted “why are you asking me then” I said only you and
I are in this house and it's not me as I'm the one who puts it on the
floor. He stomped off. What's giving me the creeps even more is the
thought that he's creeping about my room when I'm fast asleep. I
know it was him.
Eldest
decided he wanted to go to the GP. I told him he couldn't keep doing
this as I make appointments for him and he fails to go at the last
minute and it's not fair on someone ill who needs the appointment. He
said he wants to go and get medication because it helps him go out
now and he wants to keep it up but not using my meds, he wants his
own meds.
The
appointment was at 4.10pm, we got the bus up and sat outside the
doctors door so he didn't have to sit in the waiting room with
everyone else. My eldest probably thinks all I need to do is ring up
and make an appointment but nothing is ever as easy as that when it's
for him. I first had to get the appointment, I needed to ask how many
patients would be waiting. I needed to find out if I could stand with
him outside and they ring me when the doctor was free. I needed to
make sure all was hunky fucking dory for my eldest meanwhile having
panic attacks myself just so he will not verbally take me apart in
public.
We
went into the doctor and he said “it feels like royalty is
visiting” because he's never met my eldest before but knows so much
about him. Eldest told him “I've started going out and would like
my own Xanax because they are the only meds that take away my
nervousness and because I have another dental appointment coming up I
will need more Tramadol because I have a very high tolerance to pain
killers so nothing else works for me” The doctor gave him 30 days
of Xanax, he asked “where have you been getting the Xanax you've
been taking” and my eldest said “from mum” The doctor looked at
me and I said “yes he does and leaves me short so my palpitations
get worse” he told my eldest “you should not really take anyone
else's medication” I said “do I look as if I can stop him, you
know the history” He told my eldest “make the meds last as long
as possible”
We
left to get his prescription and then get the bus, my eldest was as
high as a kite and tried to hand me €20 to go and buy him a bottle
of Baileys. I said “no chance, not when you have medication” He
said “I suppose not” I was stressed out to the max in case he
started on me. We got the bus, he actually embarrasses me, he started
laughing about something but wouldn't tell me why. When we got off
the bus he was swaying. I grabbed his arm to keep him upright. I've
no idea how many of my Xanax he took before we left the house. Coming
up the garden path my neighbour was out at her front door and we
started chatting. I asked my eldest to get me two of the old games
that my youngest said could be thrown out or burned, eldest kept
telling me they are too old to give to anyone and that no one will
want them. I said they are for kids who will be happy to get them and
I'm not binning them and I gave them to my neighbour. My eldest now
has the major hump with me.
Darragh
rang at 6pm to say he read my email and asked if there was anything
he could do. I said “just do your job and support me”
At
7.10pm I asked my eldest if he was hungry, he said no because he's
going to sleep early, he wants to go out to St Ann's park early in
the morning. I told him to be careful with the Xanax.
21st
June
I
woke up to my eldest calling for me, he said he left me a note on the
drawers down stairs, my heart leapt with fear because my eldest never
does that. He said “I'm not happy and do not want to talk but the
note explains it all”
His
note read "My bike broke. I was cycling at the far end of St
Ann's park and the chain snapped off. It took me an hour to carry it
home. I bought it for almost €350 (it cost €329) on the 7th,
exactly two weeks ago today. The shop guy said it could be returned
within 6 weeks, he said if anything goes wrong bring it back within 6
weeks and it will be repaired for free. With €200 already in my
wallet I would prefer a refund to getting it repaired. I can already
walk"
Then
he came down stairs and told me what happened and I tried to pacify
and sympathise with him, I told him “you must be exhausted” He
asked me “how fast can you get my money back for me” I said “how
do I get the bike back to the shop” he said “I don't care how
you get it back, just get it back and get my fucking money” I bit
my lip because I was going to snap at him myself because of his
sullen, childish and obnoxious attitude. He walked out. He saw me
going thru my drawers, I told him “I'm searching for your bike
receipt” he said “Don't fucking bother”
I
emailed Darragh because a fucking saint would not be able to put up
with him.
I
got myself ready to go to the Cross care lunch I was invited to, but
had a sudden confidence crisis and thought no way can I go, my
emotions are in tatters. I sent the lady at Cross care a text saying
sorry but I cannot go as my confidence has gone. She replied she
understands. One thing I have never been short of is confidence, what
the hell is happening to me.
1.43pm
Text from Darragh “I just wish I could do more”
My
friend rang me. We had a long chat. I told her I'm being driven
insane. She had read my email to her. She said “the boys do not
live in reality at all. I have now known the family a very long time
and you should stay strong and not listen to any negativity from your
eldest, your youngest or from yourself. I know because I've seen
myself that you've done the very best you could for both boys and
under very difficult circumstances, I've seen for myself with my own
eyes how your family interacted and no woman could have given her
children any more than you did” She said “you have nothing to
question yourself about and nothing to feel guilty about at all” I
thank god for my friend with her wise and true words and for the lady
from Cross care. I just cannot get it into my own fucking thick
skull.
Email
to Darragh:
“Hi
Darragh, sorry to bother you but I'm out of credit again. When I got
up this morning at 6.15am, my eldest called me from his room, said
his bike is broken and he has written me a note about it (very
unusual but I did ask him to leave me notes last week as I would not
know if he was in or out of house early in the mornings ) he said
cannot be bothered telling me, sounded pissed off and said he is a
little bit slurry in speech (probably taken a 1mg Xanax) I asked him
to tell me what happened, he said read the note and he won't ever
cycle again.
Note
said "My bike is broke. I was cycling far end of St Ann's park
and the chain snapped off. It took me an hour to carry it home. I
bought it for almost €350 (it cost €329) on the 7th, exactly two
weeks ago today. The shop guy said it could be returned within 6
weeks ( he said if anything goes wrong bring it back within 6 weeks
and will be repaired for free) With €200 already in my wallet I
would prefer a refund to getting it repaired. I can already walk"
Now
I know he must have been furious and exhausted but he is relatively
calm, however he just came down and saw me searching for the receipt
and told me "Don't bother" so mood is changing rapidly, I
cannot take bike back as I have no transport and it would kill me if
I had to carry it back all the way to the shop from the house and I
doubt the man in the shop would entertain a refund. my
eldest also asked me last night to get him 2 bottles of Baileys
today, he said it tastes like milkshakes and he likes it but with the
month supply of Xanax he has I do not think he should be drinking on
top. So I am dreading the weekend. No reason for email other than
just letting you know”
Darragh
offered to come and take my eldests bike to the shop to get repaired
but my eldest said “I will never use it again” and repeated non
stop "I don't want the bike, I don't want the bike, I don't want
the bike” like a bleeding toddler having a tantrum.
Email
to Darragh:
“Had
to go ask him re your kind offer, he is on computer upstairs, just
keeps saying "I don't want the bike, I don't want the bike"
I am not going to push it, he is not in good mood, I cannot talk on
phone, he can probably hear me. Thank you so much tho”
22nd
June
Eldest
had the dentist today, he said “I want to hold onto my money so
I'll be happy enough to get the bus” He told me “I've taken 1mg
of Xanax along with a large glass of Baileys” I was raging, his
appointment wasn't till 4.45pm which meant I'd be held hostage with
all he wants to tell me, all he thinks of me and it's never a
conversation, if I even try and reply to anything I will get screamed
at by him “you never fucking listen” I
told him “today will be a great opportunity to get your photo done
for your travel pass that can also be used as ID so you can open up a
bank account” He said “I have two passport photo's in my
bedroom” I told him “you can't use them because they were taken
when you were bigger and they're from your chin up and it doesn't
look like you” I again said “you have lost far too much weight”
he said “I agree now” and went on to explain all about diets
and nutrition, then said “I will start eating normally and not so
strictly” and told me “you can bag my bigger clothes for the
charity bag” For the next hour all I heard about was all things
diet and exercise and he said “you should take more pride in
yourself because all you eat is chocolate and that's why you're fat”
Not once did I ever call him fat when he was obese so why the hell
he thinks it's okay to hurt me god only knows. Out of the blue he
turned on me, he started shouting at me “I'm having no retard bus
pass, no way are you making me have one either and I'm not going to
be shamed by using a retard bus pass and if you think I'm going to
use one then you can fuck off “ and he stormed off up the stairs. I
yelled at him “you do not need to use it as a bus pass, you only
need it to open a bank account and use it as proof of who you are”
“Fuck off” he shouted down at me. I said “youngest uses his all
the time” he shouted “I'm nothing like youngest, he has no
shame” and it's not even 12 noon yet and now I don't want to go to
any dentist with him because I know he will act the same way towards
me when we're out.
I
feel so lonely, alone, sad and isolated, I wish I had someone to talk
to but I was always far too busy fighting for my sons and coping with
them and always running to their rescue but it now means that I have
no one I can call on to run to my rescue and I really need rescuing
now.
The
bus journey to town with my eldest went okay. At the next bus stop he
decided after five minutes “I don't want to get the bus, I would
prefer to walk” I said “what about me, my ankles and knees are
bad and painful and the walk will leave me limping and in worse pain”
He told me again “I do not want to get the bus” and said
“you'll be fine, we'll walk slowly” I think I know my own body
and what it can and cannot take and I know it could not take a long
walk and it was pissing down with rain to boot but as is the norm I
said nothing more and started walking with him to the dentist. I was
so annoyed with him that I sat in the waiting room instead of going
into the dentist with him. I was in so much pain and now soaked too.
When
we left the dentist I said “I'll show you the park that has a
waterfall” and off we went into the park which was just across the
road from the dentists but we didn't find the waterfall. A woman
stopped me to ask for directions, she was Scottish so we chatted away
like we were old friends. my eldest said “why do you do that” I
said “do what” he said “talk to people you don't know” I said
“because I'm friendly, I'm approachable, I like people and the
woman asked me for directions, okay I didn't have a clue where to
send her to but she's Scottish and in case you forgot, so am I and we
Scots can sniff one another out” I thought that might have made him
laugh but his face didn't look happy, he said “do not do that
again” with a drawn out emphasis on each word he said. I looked at
him as if he had two heads, I genuinely hadn't clue what he was on
about. He said “why do you always have to show off” I had no
words to say to him. But I did think oh look at Mr Billy big balls
bringing his mother down AGAIN. Instead I threw him a filthy look and
walked on.
Eldest
said “I want to get two bottles of Baileys” I asked “why two”
he said “to save you from carrying them from Tesco” He saw an
off licence and said “we can get them from there” once inside the
shop he pointed out whisky and said “I will buy it for you” I
said “no thanks because I don't like whisky much any more and find
it very hard on my stomach” He said “why are you saying that, is
it for the benefit of him” and he pointed to the lad serving behind
the counter, no one else was in the shop so the lad could hear all
that had just been said by him and I was mortified. I told my eldest
“when I drank the whisky you bought it made me ill because it's now
too hard on my stomach because I haven't had any for years” then I
raised my voice and said “is that alright with you or do you want
to have an argument in the shop and if you do then I'll leave and you
can go up to the counter and buy your Baileys on your own” He said
“sorry”
We
stood at a bus stop after I told my eldest I was in bits with pain
and was not walking into town. I chatted away to a friendly man at
the bus stop. Eldest asked “why do you have to talk to strangers
all the time” I said it's my nature and anyway the man started
talking to me first, it's just what people do” It took us two
buses to get home.
I'm
now mentally and physically wrecked. I should have taken a mouthful
of Xanax myself just to bloody cope with him. He said “I want a
pizza” Here I am struggling to survive on €204 per week and he's
buying booze and pizza's and spending a fortune on vinyl records and
books and electrical stuff, god help him when he has to join the real
world and manage his money because he has a shock coming to him.
He
came downstairs and had a bath, then came into the living room and
told me “I'm happily tipsy” he had drank a whole bottle of
Baileys on top of the 2 x Img Xanax. He sat on the floor and was
chatting away to me. He said “I'm not fearful any more and could
happily go out” He said “it broke my heart to leave England and
my only friend” I reminded him why we're in Ireland because he
wouldn't come with me in 2005. He said “it's awful I've spent a
third of my life practically in my bedroom, I want to return to
England, I'm English and I want to go to California too” He talked
about “getting beat up by dad” and he knows that “many others
have had it tougher” than him, he talked about a new singer he's
into who had an awful childhood and killed himself at age 32. He
wants “to start going to the gym but going alone” as he needs “to
use heavier weights” He wanted to know when I was going to get his
money back for his bike. He did 20 press ups on the floor to show me
how easy he finds it and told me to watch Good Will Hunting, he said
“promise me that you'll watch it because it has my favourite
singer's music playing throughout the film” He asked if we could
swap TV's because his is bigger and he doesn't use it as a TV only as
a computer monitor and he swapped them. I told him “I have to get
on and write my report for the charity” but he stayed and talked
some more. He told me “I'm a happy drunk” and asked “why are
people like dad and my youngest so morose, up their own arses on
drink, all woe is them” he said “I'm convinced dad has Aspergers”
I told him “he doesn't, he's been tested and isn't” I told him
“you know already what diagnosis your dad has” but my eldest did
not agree. He asked “why do I and my brother have Aspergers” I
told him “ genetics” he wanted a full history from me of his
fathers side of the family but I didn't know it all. I told him what
I did know and kept reminding him I have a report to type and send
tonight.
The
rest of the night he sat on the living room floor talking about his
Dad, the same old, same old, boring my brains out same old. “Why
did you marry him, why is he like he is, why had you no sense to know
you were married to a psycho, why is he a devious,
twisted, mind fuck, why
did we move to Ireland” Inside my head I was screaming for him to
feck off and leave me in peace, inside I was trembling all over. I
hadn't had a minutes peace from him since I opened my eyes this
morning, he runs hot and cold but I kept a smile on my face and my
voice light at all times. And all I wanted to do was get away from
him. I did not get to see one TV prog I wanted to see. He went off
and I breathed a sigh of relief but he was back again within five
minutes and I tensed up again. He said “I have an idea, dad sent me
a Face Book friend request years ago and I want to have a nosy but
will have to set up a Face Book account because I don't have one,
give me a few minutes and I'll come back and we can both have a nosy”
I said “do not waste your time or energy, no good can come from
it” He went off to his room.
He
came storming into the living room almost screaming at me, said “give
me your laptop, I want to go on your laptop” and he pulled it from
my lap, he opened up a page and said “what the fuck is that”
there was a photo of my eldest age 15 on his fathers Face Book
photo's titled “my boys” my eldest was roaring at me “how the
fuck did he get that, you must have given it to him, what the fuck
are you playing at, you're a fucking joke” and he marched off. I
was having a nosy of my own on his fathers Face Book page when it
suddenly disconnected. At least then I got peace for half an hour
before I went to bed. He is a total nightmare to live with, cope with
and deal with.
23rd
June
I
did what I always do. THINK. My brain never relaxes, my memories
never stop to allow me to relax, my body goes into over drive as does
my nerves, my freaking nerves.
Out
of my non stop thinking I came to the conclusion that I'm not
depressed but I do feel that every bit of happiness has been sucked
out of me. I've not figured out what to do about that yet so I'm
going to just take each day as it comes and it has indeed been a
constant battle field. I am not going to erupt tho, I'm just writing
it all down but I will FUCKING explode soon.
I can hear my eldest in his room sighing constantly, something is amiss, no doubt I will be told later.
24th
June
I
woke up at 4.25am.
I
rang the bike shop for eldest and got told a lot of bullshit by the
owner telling me that the bike must have a manufacturing problem so
it's not his problem. Rude little man. I rang Consumer Rights people
and they emailed me a template of complaint to use as “he's talking
nonsense” I wrote the letter of complaint and posted it giving him
10 days to reply.
I've
lost my appetite. I've also lost 10lbs in nearly 2 weeks, not that I
don't need to lose it. I've just no damn appetite at all.
My
eldest decided to come to the local shops with me and did nothing but
criticise me non stop “why are you always moaning, why are you
always complaining, why are you always worrying, do you know how sick
I am of you, do you know how much I dislike you, do you know that no
one likes you at all” He then told me “you should be smacking
that dog, you should be punishing her for growling at other dogs”
That was the only thing that had me retaliate and I said “you will
be sorry if you ever touch my dog in that way, did you learn anything
by your dad smacking and punishing you” He replied “shut your
fucking mouth” I told him “shut your own mouth or I will have a
meltdown of my own in the street and see how you like it” He went
quiet. Why does he have to get me in such a state, why can he not
just leave me in peace, he knows I have no life at all because of him
so why not just live in peace and harmony and why does he not move
out if he thinks so badly of me.
When
I was done in the shop and about to walk home my eldest said “what
are you doing” I said “walking home” he shouted “DOG ” my
god that is how bad I am with him stressing me out, I had completely
forgotten my dog was tied up to the railings outside of the shop and
I was about to walk home and just leave her there. God, I really need
help.
He
told me “I'm now down to 10 and a half stone” I'm truly shocked,
I asked him “why is there never any balance with you, why go from
one extreme to the other” He said “I'm not going to talk about
it with you, firstly you know nothing and all you'll tell me to do is
to eat more” I said “I would not, I'm always only ever telling
you to eat a more varied diet, to try different things, life is too
short to be so strict on yourself” He said secondly “you should
be teaching yourself about nutrients and exercise and chemical
reactions” I asked him “have you raised and fed children and
made as many meals as I have” I asked him “have you ever ran a
marathon as I have” He had no answer to that. He changed the
subject and told me “I've been awake all night Skyping a girl who
wants to kill herself, she's mentally ill and I want to help her, do
you think I should send her a photo of me” I said “it will be a
professional she needs to help her” he said “what the fuck do you
know, fuck off, just fuck off” I can't do or say anything right as
far as this son of mine is concerned.
9.30pm
text from Darragh “Apologies for the late text and so sorry that I
didn't call you earlier. All day at a tribunal. I saw the email that
you sent-how is everything with my eldest? Are you ok? I realise that
it's late but I could call you now if you'd like to talk”
25th
June
I
sent a reply to Darragh re his text last night
“Hi
Darragh, I
had my phone switched off so just got your text before midnight. my
eldest has downed another bottle of Baileys today, not good is it? He
came to R with me this morning and I almost took head off him as he
was criticising me constantly, I wanted to tell him to fek off,
actually I wanted to scream it into his face but know it was mostly
down to lack of sleep, I even forgot I had my dog with me and walked
straight past her, if my eldest had not been with me the poor dog
would have been left behind. I have completely lost my appetite, have
lost 10lbs in 2 weeks, must be down to stress. Eldest has new online
friend,who was on a website saying she was going to kill herself, no
one was replying to her so my eldest did and is now Skyping her, she
has Bipolar and schizophrenia (never rains but it bloody well pours)
it's good that he's telling me about her but it could be the Xanax
(only time he really talks to me) or the Bailey's, have told him the
downfall of booze, he say's he does not have an addictive personality
but did ask how booze affects a person, told him it works directly on
the central nervous system, hence the tipsy feeling he experienced
after one drink. Something I do find strange is he wanted Grapefruit
juice this morning because he read online it helps Xanax get into
bloodstream quicker and so is faster acting on the anxiety, I told
him that was rubbish, he hates the taste, likens it to cat's piss but
is persevering with it, odd. Need to try and sleep as been awake
since 1am yesterday, the men in white coats will be taking me away
soon if I don't”
Eldest seemed in an okay mood this morning but now looks and sounds like he's in a furious mood, he has a sneer on his face, he barked at me “where is my learn to play the guitar book” I told him “I've not seen it since leaving the refuge so it must be in your room” He was shouting “it's not because I've looked or I wouldn't be fucking asking you would I” I said “I'll have a look under the stairs for you” He shouted “Don't fucking bother” He is one ignorant, petulant and arrogant bollix.
The
charity rang me asking if I could do them a huge favour and attend
their service users art exhibition, take photo's and then write a
report about it for their news letter. I said I've no camera but they
said they will lend me a professional one and I can go down and
practice on it first.
Email
from Sinn Fein Minister. Gheel get paid €6,661,562 per annum on
a regional basis. FUCKING BASTARDS. But no answer as to what my
family was supposed to get from them as Family Support but I will
find out.
Made
my eldest lunch and called him down, he seems a bit calmer now, thank
god.
I
spoke far too soon, he's in a rotten mood again. He said “I'm
worried sick about the girl I've been Skyping, I've not heard from
her today” I told him “be careful, it could be anyone you're
talking to, wait till she does reply or you could be accused of
stalking if she's mentally ill” He said “what the fuck would you
know” I said “according to you, apparently nothing” Again I
was told to “fuck off”
I
sent an email to the Sinn Fein Minister:
“Many
thanks for your help. Do you know how I'll get the information of
"What are Gheel Autism Services are paid by the HSE regards
support to me and my family since 2009" Despite asking the HSE
many months ago for all files under the Freedom of Information Act
they still have not handed anything over. I have also asked Gheel
directly of what they are supposed to provide us since 2009. I have
been completely ignored. My family as I knew it, which was very
close, is now completely destroyed because this agency has not
provided the service to us that was supposed to be implemented back
in 2010. It appears they and the HSE are a law unto themselves and I
still do not know what the "Family Support Plan" is or what
it contains. Appreciate your time and help”
26th
June
I
got up early to clean the house because I had to go to the charity to
pick up the camera they want me to take photo's with. I also needed
to go to Tesco and pick up some bits for my eldest because I didn't
know how long I would be out of the house.
I
heard a loud noise that made me jump. I called out from the sofa and
my eldest said “I'm okay, I'm okay” but he didn't sound okay, his
voice sounded very strange, very slurry. I was still sitting on the
sofa and asked “why are you slurring” he said “I drank the
Baileys in the early hours of the morning, I'm tired, didn't get any
sleep” I finished getting ready to go out when I heard a crash
from upstairs, from his room and I crapped myself, this could only
mean my eldest was a really bad mood and I felt he'd been leading up
to some kind of explosion for weeks now. My eldest was in the
hallway and was literally bouncing off the walls and slurring badly
“I'm just tired, I'm just tired, stop worrying” I asked him “have
you taken any Xanax along with the Baileys” he said “no and I
wouldn't either because I don't want to ever get addicted to them
ever again and don't want to be nocturnal again, all I've had is the
Baileys” I asked him “what the noise was from your bedroom” he
told me “I dropped the empty water bottle I had in my hands” I
said “no way would that have made any noise at all”
Every
muscle of mine was tense, my nerves were jangling. my eldest was
saying “all I want to do is go to sleep, all I need is 6 hours
sleep, 6 hours sleep and I know I'll be fine” I filled his water
bottle up for him and told him “I'm carrying it up to your room
because you have no co ordination whatsoever” I again asked “have
you taken any Xanax with the booze” he said “no I have not” I
got him up to his room, I had to grip the back of his t shirt as he
was really wobbling just trying to get up each step. I told him
“please lie down” because my nerves were bad, I asked him “are
you hungry, he said “yes” I said “good, maybe something in your
stomach will help” and I ran off down to the kitchen and got him
Weetabix but when I gave it to him it was pouring all down his chin,
when I tried to help clean it up he
told me “I'm sick of your worrying, I could punch a brick wall to
stop you, you piss me off so much” I again said “there's
more wrong with you than simply having drank a bottle of Baileys”
I
sent Darragh an email because I've no credit on my phone.
“Hi
Darragh, my eldest was already up when I woke at 6.30am, when he came
downstairs I was talking to him but he stayed in the hall, sounded
extremely slurry in speech, I asked him if he had taken any Xanax, he
said no and he does not want to as he has been awake all night and
does not want to go back to being nocturnal again. Agree's he is very
slurry, blames it on lack of sleep. Just been in fridge and notice
that the 3rd bottle of Bailey's has gone, he must have started it in
early hours as it was still there when I went to bed at 11pm. So I
assume he is pissed. I also assume he is lying re not taking any
Xanax as he was not as bad sounding as this on Saturday after taking
2mg along with bottle of Bailey's. I am glad I am out on my monthly
meeting today as my freaking nerves are shattered, no call
needed, just updating you”
I
kept asking my eldest “what have you taken” he started getting
angry at me “stop fucking worrying, just promise me that you will
stop worrying” I told him “that is one promise I cannot not make
you” I asked him “will you lie down and try to sleep, I've got to
shoot up to Tesco” he asked me to get him polo mints. Once he was
settled I headed out for the bus and got to Tesco. I was on auto
pilot, I was worried sick in case my eldest would fall down the
stairs and break his neck whilst I was out. I got shopping and phone
credit and on coming out of the post office I didn't see water had
been spilled on the floor and I fell landing heavily on my knees and
hands and not one person came near me to find out if I was alright. A
Tesco worker came when I started shouting and insisted she took my
name and address, all I wanted to do was get home to see if eldest
was okay.
I
texted Darragh that something was not right with my eldest. On the
bus coming back Darragh rang me and I got off the bus to talk in
private to him. I told him “this is more than booze my eldest has
taken but he's insistent he's not taken any Xanax” Darragh said
“keep in touch with me”
Once
home I ran up to my eldests room, he was asleep. I wanted to cry just
looking at him lying there. I would give my soul if it made my son
normal. I just got my shopping unpacked when I heard my eldest fall
down the stairs, I ran out and he'd managed to grip the bannister to
keep himself upright, he said “I want the toilet” Behind the
toilet door he was talking to me but I didn't understand a word he
was saying, he couldn't string a sentence together. I rang Darragh
and told him “listen” and held my phone against the toilet door
and I talked to my eldest and he replied and Darragh could hear for
himself how he was talking, how he was slurring, I told Darragh “all
my instincts are screaming out that something's not right so I'm
going to go and search my eldests bedroom and I'll keep you updated”
Once
in his bedroom my heartbeat was pounding in my ears and I was shocked
to see his bed and all his bedding completely saturated. I thought he
must have fallen asleep so deeply that he'd wet the bed so I quickly
stripped his bed to save him any embarrassment and had to flip his
mattress over because that too was soaked and as I did a small
plastic packet flew out from under the mattress and landed under his
bedside table. I shook so much with fear and stress because despite
all his insistence and his lies about not having taken any
medication, I know knew exactly what he had done. I got on my knees
and reached under his bed side table, inside the plastic bag were
empty strips of Xanax, dated when he went to the doctor for the first
time ever so I now knew that this had all been planned by him, it had
to be, 30 x 1mg of Xanax were gone and also an empty strip of the
strong painkiller Tramadol.
All
I could say was oh no fuck, oh no fuck, oh no fuck, pure adrenalin
had taken over and completely stupefied me.
I
rang for an ambulance and ran to the bathroom and got no response
from eldest so I battered the door and eldest eventually answered me.
I told him “I need you to come out because I need the loo” he
mumbled that he must have fallen asleep. I rang Darragh and told him
and he said “he will be sectioned now once he's been taken to the
hospital” I was too stressed to argue about that.
My
eldest opened the toilet door and I told him “I know what you've
taken and I've rang an ambulance” he asked “why, I don't need
one, I'm going back to bed” and he tried to walk out to the stairs,
again I had to clutch the back of his t shirt and help him up the
stairs. I got him onto the bed then ran outside to wait for the
ambulance to arrive. They turned up with a Garda car at 12noon, the
Garda came too due to his prior history of violence. They went to the
wrong house and I had to go and get them to come into mine, they went
upstairs and talked to him in his room, my eldest told them “I'm
not going to the hospital, I'll be fine, I just need to sleep” The
two ambulance men came down to me and said “he's admitted taking
all the Xanax and we can see he's as high as a kite but he's lucid
and it could be called kidnap if we forced him to go” I said “are
you completely mad, my son's taken an overdose, you have a duty of
care to help him” I was told “if he falls unconscious then you
can ring us and we will remove him because he'd have no say in the
matter then” and I was stunned, FUCKING STUNNED. I should have
started screaming and demanding or I should have ran out into the
street to scream that they were refusing to take my son who always
says he wants to die, to the hospital but I was too stunned to do any
of it, I just said “you cannot be serious, the medication he took
can stop his heart” I was told “just keep checking on him” I
couldn't believe they weren't helping him at all and were just
leaving me. I wasn't fit or able to cope with him.
I
sent Darragh a text “he refused to go to the hospital and they're
not going to take him to the hospital”
2pm
text from Darragh “did the paramedics confirm that he took the
Xanax and Tramadol. Is he conscience. Is he being threatening to you”
2.15pm
text from Darragh “I'm part delivering a training course at the
moment but it should be over soon. Do you want me to come to the
house or take you out of the house”
2.39pm
text from Darragh “What would you like me to do, should I come to
the house”
I
didn't know what to do so I sat outside the front of the house on top
of a bag of coal. I was scared to leave and too scared to stay
because I knew when he came down the stairs again I would get his
backlash. And now I've had it, I've had enough, I've had it for years
now of biting my tongue, of not being myself, of not an ounce of joy
or happiness in my life at all. I wanted to scream the street down
to let someone know I exist and I need help, I need love, I need
support, I need friendship, I desperately needed someone to talk to,
to give me advice and help but as usual I have no one. No one saw me
cry sitting there because I had sunglasses on and no one gives a shit
anyway. It was a beautiful sunshine day and once again my daily life
is ripped apart in some way and I'm totally alone in the world. I
felt so worn down by years of shit that I had no, zilch, zero, coping
skills left.
I
sent a text to the charity apologising for yet again letting them
down today and also tomorrow.
At
2.30pm my eldest came looking for me and said in his deepest growling
voice “never do that again, bring Garda into this house” I told
him “they were paramedics” He said “you have now broken my
trust” I said “I know how that feels because I frequently asked
you if you had taken Xanax and you repeatedly told me no” I told
him “my head hurts badly” and I went off to sit on my bed but he
followed me and sat on my floor. I put my hands under my duvet and
sent Darragh of Gheel a text message saying “Help me” because I
was about to get hysterical, all I wanted was peace and quiet.
At
5pm my eldest went off to sleep. Darragh came out to the house, I
have no idea of all I said to him, all I do remember is I kept
checking on my eldest and trying to find the rest of the Tramadol in
his room whilst he was sleeping but I didn't find them, I did find
Solpadene and asked Darragh “take them out the house for me so
there's no meds eldest can take when he wakes up” Darragh did
nothing practical at all, that much I do know, all he did was listen
to this demented woman and watch me cry. I would have expected him to
ask someone higher up for help but I know that he didn't otherwise
help would have been with us. Darragh said “if he would just link
in with one of our new support workers who has an excellent rapport
with others it would make such a difference to his life, the person
could meet him early or as late as he liked and it did not have to be
in public, it could be anywhere he liked, of his choosing and he
doesn't even need to talk, it would just be chance to get him out of
the house on a regular basis” Darragh left at 6pm.
At
6.30pm I heard my eldest move about and he was in my bedroom. Another
charity volunteer had rang me but I told him I had to go and I ran up
the stairs. My eldest was going thru my drawers, I asked him “what
are you looking for” he told me he wanted my deep heat spray
because his knees were in agony. I told him “the three times you
fell down the last few stairs must have caused that” he lifted his
trousers and his knees were grazed, I told him “you cannot use deep
heat on cut skin” he said “I do not care, just spray it on for
me” so I did and he yelped in pain. He said “I need Tramadol for
the pain and I know you have them, I want to know where you put them”
then called me a liar when I told him “I genuinely do not know
because I've not touched them” He told me about a Suicide Project
website he was on and said “I lied to you when I told you
originally it was reddit I met E, she is 25 and has a Masters Degree
and she want to kill herself and she's already tried to hang herself,
she's mentally ill and I've already lost one friend to suicide and I
don't want that to happen again” He would not leave me alone at
all, even when I was bedroom he walked in and sat on the floor in
front of the mirror repeating the same stuff over and over and over
again like a broken record. He talked about his life and about “S
who hung herself and was my friend and she was only 16 and she let
her mum find her body”
At
6.50pm, my eldest said “you need to send me an email detailing all
that has happened and all that is going to happen as a consequence of
what I've done, you have to write it in paragraphs so I can read it
properly” I told him “I need to put my own head down and get some
sleep” but he would not leave me alone at all. He again asked me
for his Tramadol, I again said “I do not have them and I have not
touched them but I looked for them when Darragh was in the house and
I gave Darragh the Solpadene I found to take away and there will
never be medication in this house ever again” He kept calling me
“a liar” He said “all I want to do is slip into sleep and
death” I told him “you need to be talking to a professional
about this” He walked out to go to the toilet but stopped and
looked straight at me and said “Do not ever lie to me again” He
went to his room after the toilet and fell up the stairs. He was
continually up and down the stairs, my heart was in my mouth each
time he did it for fear of him falling and my head was splitting.
8.10pm
text from Darragh “Hi Anne, what's the situation like now”
At
9.30pm I was in bed. My eldest called me from my youngests room, I
didn't even know he was in there, he asked “have you done my email
yet so I know all that happened today” I told him my head and my
nerves are bad and I won't be able to do it tonight” He told me
“take an Anadin because I saw some somewhere, I'll go and look for
them for you” I said “no” he said “I only wanted to help,
I'm sorry, give me another chance” He asked me “can I have
coffee to sober me up” I reminded him “you never drank coffee
before in your life and it's sleep you need and so do I” He went
to the toilet and I made him his first ever cup of coffee. He was
sitting on the loo with the door open and talking, just repeating all
he had said about E, about the Suicide Project, about easy rope.ie.
He said “I have felt this way for a long while and you're not to
worry because I would never take anything with Paracetamol in it
because I read that it fucks the liver and would be a very painful
death” I told him “stop that talk because it's torturing me”
he came out of the toilet and said “I'm sorry” and grabbed me for
a hug and we both cried our eyes out. I told him “I only want the
best for you, I only want you to be happy and your life should not
be this way and I will do all I can to help you change your life,
there must be someone who can help you, help us, things have to
change, I cannot keep doing this” he said “I'm sorry” again.
He drank four cups of coffee and said “I could get used to drinking
this” I told him “I need to get some sleep and need to go to my
bed” He said “okay” It was 9.13pm.
I
was in bed and turned off my light. He called me from his room, so I
went in to him and stood at his door, he was lying on his bed. He
said “it's no wonder your kids don't like you, no one likes you,
your neurotic and it makes me want to give you a hard slap” I told
him “that will never happen again and the days of anyone abusing me
under my roof are over” He started criticising me about everything
and I told him “I'm not having this conversation, I've heard the
same old shit for many years and specifically the past 7 years” He
said “you're problem is that you never listen” I said “I do
not want to listen, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown and I'm
only one person coping solo with everything” I started to cry and
walked away. He apologised and followed me saying “I don't want you
to be upset” I told him “too late because I am upset” I asked
him three times to “leave me alone because I need peace and my
head's hurting and my knees are sore where I fell today in Tesco”
which I had forgotten about after everything else that had gone on
today, he ignored me and sat on my bedroom floor whilst I was lying
on top of my bed internally screaming and trying to stop myself from
throwing everything I wanted to say his way about all the pain I'd
gone thru since leaving him in 2005 when he jumped into his fathers
camp and treated me and my youngest cruelly. There is a lot over the
years that I could go mental at him about but I didn't and I haven't
but today I nearly did but what would be the point, it would change
nothing at all, it would only cause more anger and resentment in him.
I asked him “do you know three years ago my own doctor told me he
would be incapable of living like I'm forced to live and told me to
walk away whilst I was still sane but I didn't”
Eldest
handed me his phone and showed me photo's of S that he had, he said
“I met her on Wrong planet” and how much of a wonderful friend
she was and that “she hanged herself age 16 and her mother found
her” He said “she also tried to kill herself by lighting a small
BBQ in her bedroom but that hadn't worked” He said “my two online
friends have lived a life, have gone to school, have gone to college,
have found work, have got girlfriends and I've had none of these
things and I never will and having Autism is a disease” He said
“I'm freaked out that one day all people end up rotting in the
ground anyway no matter who they are, be it lords and ladies or
paupers and I just want to sleep into death” He said “I know I
will never be able to get another prescription” He said “I do
not want any of this on my records and you need to phone the
paramedics now and tell them that” He said “I could buy a rope
to hang myself with from a website called quick rope.ie” he talked
about “partial suspension” He said “I'm depressed and have
been for a long time” I told him “you need to get a professional
to help you now and if you carry on talking this way then I will call
someone in” But I knew I could do no such things because not even
the ambulance people or the Garda that were in the house today helped
him. That is twice now he hasn't been helped after an overdose, in
another County and now in Dublin. What the fuck am I going to do.
He
alternated between roaring abuse at me “Do you want a hard slap,
you deserve a hard slap” then crying about S. He had terrible
shakes but was no longer stumbling, falling over or bouncing off the
walls thank god. He was again apologising. All I thought was this is
the night I am going to be left insane, all I get is one crisis after
another and I'm not mentally capable to cope any more. God forgive
those ambulance men for not taking him to hospital to at least get
blood tests done to see if he's going to get over this overdose. He
was talking about “buying a large rope” I changed the subject
and reminded him “of all appointments with professionals over the
past 7 years that I've made in an attempt to get you help and you
should be telling the doctor all you're saying now. Gheel are waiting
and willing to engage with you if you would only let them” He said
“they are shit, look what they did not do for my youngest” I
told him “yes they are shit except for Edel and Darragh and Gheel
get paid to help and would help if only you would engage with them,
this could be the first step to a new life for you, you only have to
take one baby step and it could change everything for you” He told
me “I will never in my life talk to another psychiatrist or
psychologist again, no one can cure Autism so what's the point”
He asked me “where are the Tramadol” again. I told him “I saw
a full packet with only two removed on your bedside table but they're
not there now, did you also take Tramadol with the Xanax” he said
“I took a small overdose of 8 last week when I went out early to St
Ann's park” That was something I didn't know. He said “they
gave me awful chest pains so I came home and I won't take them ever
again except for pain” I asked “when was this” and he said “it
was the 18th”
I said “it could not have been that date as that was when youngest
was at the house” he said “it must have been the day before
then, I can't remember except lying down on the park bench wanting to
die and looking at photo's of S but then I got worried about my bike”
That made me shout at him “worried about your bike, what about
your bloody mother” he said “I did think of you and didn't want
you to find my body in the house, I do not hate you that much to have
to wake up and find your dead son's body which is why I went to the
park” I said “but I would be the one to get a knock on my door to
tell me you were found in a bloody park, I would be the one who would
have had to identify you, organise your funeral, how do you think
that would affect me the rest of my days” I said “I'm sorry
about S but you never met her and you have never met E but your
mother is here for you, your mother loves you, has tried everything
for you, did you think of your mother when you were throwing that
poison down your throat in your bedroom” He said “sorry” then
talked again about E, about how intelligent she is, I said
“intelligence means nothing” he told me “you know nothing”
He shouted “you never fucking listen to me, you always open your
mouth” I told him “it's called conversation” He said “I
want water” and when I got up to go and get it for him he asked me
“where are you going” I said “to get you water” he said “I
didn't ask for any”
And
that is why I am off my own fucking rocker.
He
said “I wrote notes on my phone about what I was doing, I logged
the times I took the pills, I took them over a long period of time so
I wouldn't get sick” He talked again “about suicide and all the
ways it can be done” and said “I couldn't drown myself because
that would be a horrific death, I couldn't cut my wrists as that
would be like a scene from Freddie Kruger, I planned it all and
packed some bits in youngests little rucksack and went to St Ann's
park because Autism is an awful disease. I will never have what
everyone else has” I told him “I cannot listen to any more of
this” he ignored me. He said “I always tell you what films you
should be watching but you just shrug at me” I reminded him “this
is my life and I have my own personal taste and can watch or not
watch what I want” I left my room to go to the toilet. He followed
me and was standing outside the toilet door waiting for me. I told
him I was going to bed. I cried myself to sleep.
27th
June
I
was awake at 6am. My head was still splitting with pain. I
looked up The Suicide Project website and found out more about this
woman my eldest has been talking to by Skype. She posted online that
she was “looking for a suicide partner, preferably in Europe”
The evil bitch. I sent the website a complaint about her.
My
eldest heard me cough and was outside my bedroom door waiting for me.
He said all to me that he had said for hours and hours yesterday. He
has the shakes very badly. I'm incensed at the ambulance not taking
him to get medically checked at the hospital yesterday. I cannot take
another day of this madness. Eldest said “I have treated you and
spoken to you like shit for years now and I never heard you complain
and I am sorry, so very sorry and I will make a list of 10 rules and
the first rule is that I will tell you every day that I love you and
I'll give you a hug” he said “look, I'm looking at you straight
in the eye and I'm telling you now that I love you and that I'm
sorry” and he gave me a hug. He then said “I will order Xanax
online in my youngests name but if the postman asks for youngest when
you answer the door it means the delivery is being tracked and you
must not sign for it” I told him “I will tell the doctor if you
even think about doing that” He started saying all he said
yesterday, he was on a loop like bloody ground hog day. I need help
so badly with him. He asked me “have you read my suicide note” I
said “I've seen no such thing” and he said “good, I do not want
you to see it”
12.33pm
Text to Darragh: “Darragh, he is driving me seriously nuts. I am
ready for running, could you send him a text asking how he is
feeling, he knows you were at the house last night, ask him if there
is anything, anyone can do to help him, take the focus off me for a
bit please”
1.26pm
text from Darragh “I sent him a text there”
2.30pm
text to Darragh: “He has gone to sleep the past half hour, feels
sick, found the Tramadol, was on his bookcase, he gave them to me.
Sent me an email full of apology followed by a verbal lambasting to
my face, another email and he wishes he was not born. Have to get
shopping in. Told him he needs to see Psych, he said he would throw
himself in front of the first vehicle he sees. This all has to end”
Email
from my eldest: 09:41
“I'm
still shaking from head-to-toe writing from this everything I
swallowed and I keep making spelling mistakes so the Xanax isn't out
of my system yet. Before I go into detail I want to make a list of 10
goals;
#1
- Asperger's + residual teen angst make it impossible to tell you how
much I love you. It's really awkward and embarrassing and I retreat
inside my shell but from now on I'm going to do it every single day
anyway Daily.
And I'll look you in the eye and say it and give you the biggest
hug I
can. You have put up with a mountain of shit from me since I was a
teenager and you never once complained and it's the fucking least I
owe you. I love you, mum. More
than anyone else in the world. Saying 'I love you' is goal
#1. #2 - I want to start helping with the house work: washing the
dishes, cleaning the clothes, hoovering the living room, making tea.
You do everything and it isn't fair. Show me how to do it a few time
and I'll quickly get the hang of it (kinda like I did i with
cooking.)
Sharing
burden of house-work is goal #2. [Help fill in the list with
practical things for me, please,]
I
was so happy to get an email like that from my first born son. I felt
so proud but it did not last for long.
He
read my time line email to him about all that happened yesterday, he
said “you made me feel like shit” I said “I only wrote what
happened and how I feel and it's better you know than don't know”
He said “you better not have told anyone about this because I got a
message from Darragh this morning” I said “Darragh was in the
house at 5pm last night as support for me”
To
get myself some breathing space I asked him “do you want a bath”
and he said “yes” then quickly said “I already had one” I
told him “you haven't and you've lost 24 hours of your life because
of taking those meds” I ran him a bath and he went off to have it.
My heart was going like the clappers and I needed to talk to someone.
I decided I was going to ring the Samaritans while he was in the
bath as it meant he would hardly be able to hear me so I picked up my
phone and walked to the living room door to close it when he came
walking out of the kitchen and he was stark naked as the day he was
born. My 6ft 2 son walking completely naked. I was so shocked that I
shouted at him “what the hell do you think you're doing, do you
know that you're completely naked” He ignored me, he had his big
sulky head on and in his arrogant voice shouted “why are there only
fucking red towels in the bathroom, they stick to my skin, where have
you put, hidden all the other towels” he was looking under the
stairs for the other towels. I grabbed a black sack and ripped it
apart and handed him a large bath towel and he didn't even use it to
cover himself up. I was mortified, my 21 year old son completely
naked in front of his mother and he couldn't care less. He made me
feel like shit on the bottom of his shoeless feet. I had a dreadful
feeling of unease of his total disrespect of me. Still standing naked
he asked me, as if this was the most normal thing in the world, “if
I cannot have Xanax I want you to go and get me alcohol and I want it
today so you need to go to the shop and get it now” I told him
“get into the bath, alcohol is a depressant and your paternal grand
father was an alcoholic” He walked off still not covering himself
with the towel. I wanted to scream the place down. I wanted to throw
him out of my house onto his naked arse, I knew that would have
shaken him out of this madness, he would soon see just what an easy
fucking life he's had living here. I do not think I will ever feel
safe again. I have had every form of abuse from him but this was a
new low, the ultimate act of total disrespect and all after his
bullshit about how he was going to tell me every day that he loves
me. I have walked on eggshells for so long now that my feet are
hypothetically cracked and bleeding and I cannot walk another step.
He
came out of the bath and was in a petulant mood and surly. If he
explodes at me he better expect me to do the same also because I want
peace and I don't want to hear his voice at all this day. I asked
him “do you want me to help you get your own place to live” he
said “no” He kept coming into the living room and going thru my
drawers. I asked him “what are you looking for” he just ignored
me. What the fuck's going on now. He took out my blank DVD's and a
permanent marker, he went up to his room and then went back to the
kitchen and destroyed some blank DVD's in the microwave. God knows
what he is putting on them but he sure does not want me finding out.
At
22.15pm he was in the toilet, I needed to use it and told him, he
said “you can wait” he didn't come out for another 5 minutes then
growled “go on then” I was shaking like a leaf.
28th
June
Eldest
put a sticky note on the living room mirror, my guts tensed, only my
youngest ever did that “Have gone out. After all I am an adult”
I
then started to get texts from him: 7.09am “just been to shop to
buy milk,lucozade, cake and bread. Getting a bacon and sausage sarnie
for a fiver at local cafe. Thank Christ for Xanax”
My
text reply: “where did you get Xanax from and how many?”
7.17am
text from my eldest “anything you'd like me to pick you up. I love
you, sorry for erratic behaviour on Xanax. I read your diary while
looking for more, I know I shouldn't have done”
My
text reply: “I'm not bothered what you've read. My memory gets
awful bad when under severe stress, have no one to talk to so writing
down helps”
7.23am
text from my eldest “I was actually thinking about wandering around
town for the day and making my way to Tower Records. Couldn't figure
out bus fare though”
My
text reply: “€2.40, just drop in the slot, take the ticket and
get a seat”
7.27am
text from my eldest “Sobering up now”
My
text reply: “Keep safe then”
He
came back at 8.45am and said “feel like shit now” and walked out
of the living room. I called after him “you do know you were
walking about this house naked in front of me last night” he gave
no answer. He said in a quiet voice “I do not want to live any
more” I told him “I will get you help, I will contact someone”
He said “ Don't you dare, I do not want help” I told him “lay
off the booze, it's a depressant” no reply, he went off to bed.
At
9.20am my friend rang me and I told her all going on with him. She
said “you really need to leave the house, I'm worried about you, I
don't think you can continue after all these years, if you leave then
it will force the Garda to do something to help him, it will force
Gheel to do something to help him” I said “you should know by
now that Gheel do not give a shit and the Garda were in the house
with the ambulance men and did not give a shit, it's time to face it,
no one gives a shit about my son except me” She agreed with me that
“this is not going to end well” I was in tears all the way thru
our conversation. I have felt inept and impotent many times in my
life but this was the ultimate. EVERYONE knows he's trying to kill
himself, Gheel, the Garda, the ambulance service, and no one fucking
cares.
At
10am, my Divorce papers were delivered by post. My head and my heart
hurts, it doesn't matter what the ex was like, a divorce is a failure
and I feel I've failed in every aspect of my life, this is just a
further blow to drive home that I'm a failure, I'm fucking useless,
I'm no good to anyone at all.
Eldest
walked into the living room as I was reading my divorce papers, he
said “can we get the Garda to go to the bike shop with us to get
my money back” I told him “no that's not what the Garda are for
and I've already taken care of the owner and I'm waiting on a reply
so can I be left in peace because my divorce decree has just come and
I want to read it with no distractions” He shouted at me “I'm in
a really fucking bad mood” I said “that's not my problem” and
he stormed off slamming the doors.
At
10.38am, my nerves jumped every time I heard a sound from his room.
I'll end up a basket case. I heard him go into youngests room and
then on his computer. The only peace I'm going to get is if I lock
myself in my bedroom because I don't want him coming in to sit on my
floor for hours castigating me, repeating the same things over and
over again and about all he thinks of me. I really cannot take any
more. I heard him on Skype saying “ I'm drunk as hell at the
moment” he laughed then said “I won't, I'm alright, bye” I
heard him talk again but don't know if he's talking to himself or
someone else.
At
10.45am, not a word of support from Darragh at Gheel. How the fuck do
they think I'm coping at all never mind alone with all that's been
going on with my eldest. How much energy does it take for them to
send me a text or phone me and ask if I'm okay. The answer would be
if I was asked that I'm not okay, I'm really not okay. I'm hanging on
by a very thin thread.
At
11.08am eldest was going up and down the stairs many times, he then
knocked on my door. I told him “today I'm having peace and you need
to leave me alone” He told me “I'm going into town and want 3
Xanax or 3 Tramadol because I will be walking about all day” I gave
him 3 x .25mgs of Xanax after he was insisting the one's he overdosed
on are now completely out of his system. He asked me if he would need
a fleece, I said take one anyway and asked him where exactly are you
going, he said Tower Records and went out slamming the front door
behind him. He cannot get the bus because he just missed it so I
expected him to be back soon.
At
11.36am, I rang the Carers Association and left my name, number and
stated why I was calling. I emailed the lady at Cross care, she's
going on holiday and R will be covering her. I rang R but she's not
back till tomorrow.
I
felt scared for my eldest going into town on his own, he's only ever
been four times with me and has never got the bus back so how the
hell was he going to find his way back.
1pm,
still no call or text of support from Gheel.
At
1.23pm I sent my eldest a text, he ignored it. Then five minutes
later he walked in the door. He said “I'm back now” I asked him
“how did you get on, did you find Tower Records okay” he said
“yes” I asked him “what did you buy” he said “never you
mind” I asked him “did you find the bus stop to come back okay”
he said again “never you mind” he then said “I don't want to
talk to you” I said “ it's a pity you didn't think that way the
past three days now because I now feel mentally unstable” No reply
from him.
I
sent my friend an email updating her.
The
lady from Cross care rang me, I cried my eyes out, she will meet me
when she's back from her holiday in two weeks, R will be back
tomorrow and will get in touch with me. I told the Cross care lady
that his mood swings are out of control and so is he and Gheel have
done and are doing nothing at all.
At
4.40pm Darragh from Gheel rang me and I went absolutely mad at him at
being left solo during this awful crisis. I was shouting “what
exactly is down in black and white as Gheel support for my family
because in my personal experience I get shag all” No reply from
Darragh. I continued shouting “answer me, fucking answer me, have
you any idea what it's like to live in this house, to live with my
son, what the fuck is wrong with you all” Darragh said “well for
a long time we had no funding for the boys whatsoever” I said
“that's bullshit, it was decided at a case conference meeting in
2010, I was there, you were not and I can still see in my minds eye
that twat Peter Byrne telling all around the table to leave the
disability manager to him, and what the fuck has funding back then to
do with the here and the now, to do with this minute, do you need
fucking funding to show compassion, to ring or text me when you know
what my eldest has done, what my eldest is still trying to do, what
he's saying to me, how he's acting towards me, you know the fucking
violent history don't you, is that what you all want, me dead or
beaten into submission, is that was this has all been about, after
all isn't that what Peter fucking Byrne told me, that's what Andy
frigging Mc Donnell told me twice, I need to be removed from the
fucking picture so they could get to my eldest, is that not against
the fucking Irish Constitution about families, is that what you do,
destroy families” Darragh listened to me shout, curse and roar. He
said “I realise you feel unsupported and I wish I could do more, I
feel that you leaving the house and letting Gheel in would work” I
shouted “you have just said the same as those other bastards but in
different words and I'm going no where, this is my house, I do not
want my eldest in my house so you take him and support him all you
damn well please elsewhere” then reminded Darragh all the times my
eldest told me if I let any of them into the house then he would kill
himself. He asked “is he still in the same mindset” I said “off
course he frigging is, he said it again this morning but it's worse
now because he's upped the ante, his mood swings are horrific, his
snapping at me is insane and I'm going to lose my son like I lost my
youngest and all because of you idiots who cannot do your jobs
properly, what are your qualifications, do you live with this 24/7,
do any of you live with this 24/7” silence from him, I said “no
I fucking thought not” and “you do know my youngest put a screen
shot of his phone online for all to see and Gheels name clearly shown
telling him by text that you do not provide overnight accommodation
and told him to try hostels in town” Darragh did not say anything
in response to that either. He said “keep me updated” They and
he really do not give a shit at all.
29th
June
The
Anadin packet that was on top of the bread bin is now in the bin and
empty, I don't know how many was in it or if my eldest has taken a
lot. Sent Darragh a text about it then ran out of credit so could not
reply to him. I asked eldest about the empty packet, he growled
“there was only two in the packet”
Email
to Darragh:
“Just
checked him, said he only took 2 Anadin”
29th
June
I
emailed my eldest that I'm taking no more and I'm putting in for a
transfer.
5am
I've
been awake since 3.30am having just had a couple of hours sleep (yet
again) since Wednesday 26th June, it always amazes me how
days can disappear when you feel so stressed out, you live on
adrenalin and you run on empty, you try to be brave when you are
quaking with fear, you forget how to eat but remember to drink
copious amount of tea and you wonder, ask and pray when will the
nightmare end, who will ever actually care enough to help. It's not
that people don't know, with the mouth I have on me everyone knows,
it's not that we're invisible with medical records and reports,
recommendations, questions asked in the Dáil.
Those at the top do know but us at the bottom
simply do not matter to them or to anyone.
My
son has High Functioning Autism (nothing functioning about it in my
opinion) he also has various other diagnoses, he's had agoraphobia
since 2006, 7 years plus by my side which brings it's own unique
problems. I have sought help for him since 2006, I have fought for
help for him since 2007 and I have screamed and hounded professionals
for far too many years.
The
fact that an Autism agency since 2009 has supposed to be helping has
brought me nothing but added stress that I did not want, seek nor
deserve. Training people to work for said agency does not make them
any kind of expert but yet they claim to be so, so where the hell are
they, not sitting by my side whilst yet again hell on earth has
visited, daily life is quite appalling, the names I have been called,
the what I'm good for and what I'm not good for, the threats, the
past violence but this week has me convinced that no one on earth
cares.
On
Wednesday my son took an overdose of benzo's plus painkillers plus
bottle of alcohol, he tried to hide it well but falling down the
stairs and denying he had taken anything at all had my antenna on
fire. I did find the empty packets, it may read like it's all a
matter of fact but it was total nightmare. I called an ambulance,
they got here pretty quick, he refused to go to the hospital, in my
view if someone has consumed what he had and could be clearly seen
with the way he was trying but failing to talk in a sentence then
they clearly are not in their right mind and should be helped but oh
no, I was told he's an adult, he's refusing to go, could be seen as
kidnap if we force him and so they left and left me with this man who
for the next 24 hours without sleep repeated over and over what he
had done, why he had done it and under no circumstance was I ever
allowed to do that again (call an ambulance)
Yes
I informed the Autism Agency, yes I sent a “help me” text, yes I
got a call back, unfortunately the person was in training and so I
had to put up and shut up and listen to what I did not want to listen
to, yes I had a home visit for an hour from the Autism Agency and yes
I have been alone since.
My
son's mood is changeable at the best of times, I hypothetically walk
on tip toes to avoid invisible land mines but I don't always succeed.
If threats are made I lock myself in my bedroom, like yesterday when
he warned me he was in a “really fucking bad mood” yes I
informed the Autism Agency who rang me at 4.45pm even tho I sent an
update email at 8am that same morning.
Yes
I could have called the doctor and he could have been sectioned like
my youngest was who had seriously self harmed his arm, the only
trouble then I was told there were “no beds” and I was told to
make sure if I was having someone sectioned to “do so on a Monday
after 5pm as that's when discharges happen and have a Happy Xmas”
That is the kind of professionals I have had to deal with.
I'm
now left middle aged with no real friends, no family, the neighbours all
keep to themselves and I'm alone and isolated despite doing my all to
change this situation despite demanding from the Autism Agency what
exactly is the support we are supposed to have, one phone call per
week in my view does not constitute support. I have asked by mouth,
by text, by phone call, I have emailed their head office, I have
written to their CEO and all has been ignored. I have written to the
Disability Manager and been ignored, I have email proof it was
received, I have lost count of the TD's I have gone to, the questions
asked in the Dail on my behalf, I have gone public on someone's radio
show. My request under Freedom of Information Act has brought
nothing to my door, I was advised to appeal but when you live under
constant stress and know your son is suicidal and no professional
will do anything about it even when he's done something about it and
you call an ambulance to help him and they say they can't then
there's something seriously wrong in this country. All this is not
new, it is 7 plus years of coping and doing this alone and I'm now
so tired, the bit of heart I do have left in me is weary and crying
and in terrible pain.
Ireland
I know is one of the top “caring” countries but I have yet to see
that, everyone knows of my situation, where I live, all professionals
know of my situation but to date no one has seemed to care. Only
agencies that help people like me have been steadfastly kind and
caring.
I
can imagine the headlines if my son succeeds in killing himself
“Lessons will be learned” so why are they not being learned now.
I
thought writing this down would help me, it just made matters worse
of how alone I am and how weak I feel and how scared I am to check on
my son.
30th
June
I
was up at 5am. Eldest was awake at 7am, he didn't eat any breakfast
till 11am. The only way I know he's alive is by listening out for any
sound from his room or when he comes down the stairs. What a fucking
horrible life.
I
rang the Samaritans and spoke to a lovely man called K who told me he
had been thru similar problems with a family member. He said “it's
best to get out and get away before you go under completely, it's
extremely bad for the mental health in even the most strongest of
people” I told him “I think it's too late for me now because my
nerves are so bad I now feel suicidal myself” He told me “you
need support” That gave me a laugh but I didn't bother explaining.
Eldest
went into the bath at 6.30pm. When he was into the bath I checked his
room, he's been writing in a copy book, about good people like S and
E and how he hopes it didn't hurt so I assume he's going to try
killing himself again. I took my dog to the park, then to the shop
and sent Gheel outreach a text but it came back as a failed delivery.
Text
to Gheel outreach 8.14pm:
“This
is to inform you my son is suicidal, he tried on the 17th,
I only found out on Wednesday, he tried on 26th.
An ambulance was called but he refused to go. He's on a suicide
website talking and skyping a woman looking for a suicide partner.
I've told him I can no longer cope and he has to move on with help.
He was in the bath and I found his notebook, written today, he writes
that he hopes it does not hurt. No doubt he is going to try again.
Darragh has been kept up to date via email. Can you pls call or text
him just to let him know if he wants or needs, that someone is there
for him. You can off course tell him I contacted you saying I cannot
cope”
I
tried sending that text four times but each time it came back as
failed. I ended up phoning them, Patrick answered, I asked him to
call me back because I'm low on credit, he did and I had to explain
everything because he didn't even know what's been going on. I was
mortified to be explaining everything whilst walking down a busy
street. I told Patrick what my eldest had written and “I've just
found it but I'm done with my son and have emailed him telling him so
and I'm taking no more abuse but can you contact him just to let him
know that he has someone in his corner for him, I cannot communicate
with him any more because all I get is abuse out of him and I'm
completely burnt out, you can tell him I've contacted you because
he'll think it strange if you contact him out of the blue, just ask
him if you can do anything for him” Patrick said “okay, I'll let
you know if I hear anything back from him” He asked me “do you
have any support for yourself” I asked him “are you having a
laugh, don't get me started on that subject” I said “do not ring
me because he can hear everything I say from his bedroom and my phone
is on silent so you can text me to let me know” He said “okay”
As
per fucking usual I heard not one word back from Gheels Patrick.
I
sent my friend an update email then cleaned the house and changed
round the furniture in my living room. I've been in a coma like state
for days now and need to get on top of the house if nothing else.
Email
to Friend:
“Hi
Friend, All quiet here, I am up since 5am, son up at 7am so he's
still on planet earth. I sat in the park yesterday and the words
"mental torture" kept coming to me and that explains how I
feel. When I got back I sent son this email and I mean it, I just
cannot put up with any more drama at all, all I want is peace and
quiet, my nerves are so taut that I am ready to burst. He has not
said word since, nor do I want him to. I did feel heart sore for him
last night as after he had a bath as he went out the door at 7pm
walking with his head down, that was tough to watch, he must have
only gone round the block, I am hoping that he contacted Gheel and I
am hoping that they get their finger out. One call on a Monday for an
update for their files is not support in any shape or form, they
should have been at my house Wed, Thurs, and Frid or at least have
rang me, they have enough staff”
22:26
text from Darragh
“Hi
Anne, How are you now? I didn't see an email today so I’m just
concerned for you. You're probably in bed now so I’ll talk to you
tomorrow. Darragh”
Email
to Darragh:
“Won't
be any sleep happening here Darragh. I contacted outreach, found out
that E was looking for Suicide partner, my eldest has written today
in a copy book he hope it does not hurt so I tried texting outreach 4
times but my messages would not deliver (I have credit but not heard
back. I told Patrick I could not talk at home but would have like a
text to let me know if he contacted my eldest at all as I am done
with him, not taking any more mental torture. This is website and her
page, I have reported it”
I
emailed my doctor because as a mother I could not live and be sane if
I don't let the family doctor know what's been going on.
Dear
Dr, my son appears to have conned us both by attending your surgery
with me for medication. He took all the 1mg Xanax and 8 Tramadol
along with a bottle of Baileys on Wednesday 26th
June,
when I found out I called an ambulance but my eldest refused to go to
the hospital, the ambulance
men
said he could not be forced, could say it's kidnap! and for me to
keep close eye on him in case he fell unconscious (when do I do
anything other than keep eye on him) The next 48 hours were
horrendous, he was out of his box but very vocal continually to me,
Gheel Autism service were informed by me. I have since found out he
is on a suicide website and communicating with a woman looking for a
“suicide partner” I have told him I'm done, cannot take any more
of this torture and he needs help that I cannot provide. I found out
tonight that he has written “I hope it does not hurt” so assume
he is about to try again in some other way, I took all medication
from house, Tramadol and painkillers and handed in to local pharmacy
and gave to Autism key worker too, I found an empty box of Anadin in
my bin on Saturday so I confronted him, I have no clue how many were
in it, he claimed he only took 2 for tooth pain, I no longer believe
a word that comes out of his mouth. I am disgusted that the ambulance
men would not force him into hospital and I have been left yet again
coping solo with all this. My eldest will not engage with anyone,
said he will kill himself and I had better not report this, he is a
volatile, abusive and an aggressive individual as he has shown in the
past (2010) but always only directed at me. I do not know how this is
going to pan out but I know I cannot do any more for him, it is and
has been mental torture, I'm not getting much sleep thru sheer terror
at maybe finding his dead body some day soon. I do not have any
privacy in the house to talk on the phone as he always hears every
word I say hence this email to you. I feel sick, old and tired and
will probably be taken away by the men in white coats before he does.
Just letting you know what is going on”
1st
July
I'm
awake at 6am, not one sign of my eldest having been down in the
night, he doesn't flush the toilet at night and it's not been used at
all, nothing has been left out on the kitchen worktop, nothing is in
the sink, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm scared witless. I didn't have my
usual morning bath, I just threw on yesterday's clothes. Have decided
I'm not putting myself thru how I felt when I had to check if
youngest was still alive, I will not see my son's dead body, Gheel
can come out and check his room because I cannot, I do not want to
see his corpse. I set the alarm on my phone for 9am as that's when
I'll call Gheel if I hear no movement from my eldest. At 8am I heard
him move in his room because I'm sitting directly under his room. I
said out loud “oh fucking thank you god, but where do I go from
here, what do I do, what the fuck do I do” My head feels like it
has a vice around the base of my skull. I cannot find my own
medication as I've hidden them so well. I'm losing my memory as well
as my freaking mind.
Friend
emailed me to see if I am okay and safe. I replied: “Hi
Friend, I am fine, was very stressed this morning as he had not come
down at all overnight, he never flushes loo so this is how I knew.
Heard him move about at 8am this morning so I know he's ok, I'm
taking dog for walk then Darragh will prob call me, I will hound him
till he does, no way am I waiting till 5pm plus for any call. I also
sent Dr an email last night so shall see what response is from him”
Darragh
from Gheel rang me at 12.30pm, he said “I don't know if Patrick
contacted eldest” What chance do I have with this lot then.
Darragh is supposed to be the Manager of the Outreach Team but
doesn't know what the fuck is going on. He told me “Patrick is in
college today doing a Masters but I will contact the outreach team
and find out what I can” He said “I'm sorry the services in this
country are a disgrace” I asked “how would you know because you
never probably had need of these services yourself so how can you
know what it's like” I told him “eldest said he now wants his
bike fixed” Darragh said “great I can do that for him and will
contact him, that's a good reason to contact him and I can pick up
the bike and take it to the shop for him” I said “I suppose that
means my eldest will be taking himself off to St Ann's park and try
hanging this time if he can get himself a rope first” No answer to
that.
Darragh
from Gheel sent me a text: “Patrick spoke to eldest for around five
minutes at 8.30pm and got told by eldest that he didn't need help.
Patrick told him he was concerned about him (yeah so fucking
concerned that not one Gheel staff member contacted him, I had to ask
this one to contact him) He then told eldest that he could contact
the Gheel Outreach phone any time” Darragh said at the end of the
text “I have contacted my eldest myself and hope I get a response
re the bike”
Carers
Association rang me, they “got my voice mail and sorry you sound so
distressed” I had a long chat with the woman.
I
lay on top of my bed and fell asleep till 7pm. I know he's been in
the bath as the bathroom is all steamy. I have not seen him in person
once today but I have heard him move about. Not a word to me from the
Dr. Another caring person he is, NOT.
I
hate this place. You can try and kill yourself, you can let the world
and his wife know about it and still no one gives a shit, not even
when you dial 999. I am sick of seeing adverts telling people
“protect your mental health” that no doubt cost thousands but in
reality, in the real world, in our world, in my world, no one gives a
flying fuck. Especially not Gheel Autism Services or the HSE
Disability Managers or Services. I have been more than vocal to them
all. They could not care less yet always claim they are “concerned”
I
didn't go to sleep tonight, I tried reading my Kindle but I'm like a
spooked out dog whose ears are cocked for any noise at all. I cannot
hear a sound coming from eldests room at all. I so want to just go
and open his door but I'm too much of a coward.
2nd
July
I
am up at 5am. I can hear his computer server is on in youngests room
so that tells me that he's been up in the early hours of the morning.
I cannot believe I've had to live in limbo again the past 6 days.
This is a fucking nightmare, not one person has been near my door at
all, only my friend has given me continued phone and email support,
what would I have done without my friend all of these years. God help
all in Ireland that need support because these so called
professionals could not support a fucking football team if their
lives depended on it never mind people. No fucking wonder people end
up killing themselves.
At
7am I sat on my bed and just listened. I want to hear if there's any
sound at all from his room. I heard none, this is going to kill me,
they all say that stress kills, yet do fuck all to help me. It's
funny the little things you notice. I notice that I can tell what my
eldests mood is just by him using his door handle and then my inner
body reacts accordingly.
I
sent my friend and Darragh update emails, and had a list of questions
for Darragh to answer because he's the Manager of the Outreach
Service apparently so he's well enough up the chain to give me the
answers I want and I need. I have no doubts at all that it will just
be ignored as usual because all times I ask straight out what I want
to know both he and Edel are well trained in the art of deflecting or
as T said they answer questions with a question and she reckons
people like that should not be trusted, I disagree because I think
people who work in the caring field and don't care are dangerous and
shouldn't be trusted. There must be a special training camp for these
uncaring bastards.
R
from Cross care rang me, she gave me the phone number of a service
for people in emotional crisis. I left the house to call them, it was
pouring down with rain and all I did was cry on the phone. I'm making
a total fool of myself in public.
Email
to Darragh:
“Hi
Darragh, all quiet here, no communication. Heard my eldest move about
at 8am this morning, he did not leave room from 7pm last night till I
fell asleep around 1am.
I
need some questions answered: I
have a suicidal son, he acted on it 26th
June,
a woman who asked for a suicide partner is writing to him, he claims
he also overdosed in St Ann's park on 17th
June.
I found empty packet of Anadin in my bin on Saturday but he claims he
only took 2, he has talked about hanging himself, cutting his wrists.
Who is going to help him? If I get any doctor in to
assess him, he will barricade himself in his room, if he cannot be
seen then how can he be assessed, if I do this and the doctor then
leaves then only I will be on the end of his volatile, abusive and
aggressive behaviour, as per usual.
If
I do this will your CEO, as he did with my youngest override any
section by getting my eldest to say what he coached my youngest to
say.
Why
did I have to call the outreach phone and ask them to contact my
eldest, when they should all know what's going on here, why did
Patrick tell me he would let me know if he did get in touch with my
eldest, but then did not let me know anything, even tho I told him I
could not talk in house as all is overheard, a text would have put my
battered mind at ease.
Why
am I sitting here 24 hours a day a nervous wreck not knowing if my
son is alive or dead in his room unless I can hear him move from
where I am sitting downstairs.
Has
anything been done since I asked you by email to kick start his prior
housing application.
Has
anything been done by Gheel to get him moved out of here with
supports.
Is
anyone doing anything at all behind the scenes during this latest
crisis. Do not take this personally, none of this is directed at you
but for god sake I need these questions answered. I am not sitting in
the house waiting on him killing himself or waiting for me to rot
into old age under this serious and severe stress”
12.30pm.
No call, no text, no reply email from Darragh Gheel about my many
questions email.
I
put my eldests O2 money card and medical card on the stairs for him.
I'm no longer taking responsibility for him, this should make him
realise it. I thought about all the other carers I've met over the
years, they all had other people in their lives, they all had family,
they all had friends, they all had a social life. I do not even have
privacy and no kind of life all these years so I am done.
Darragh
rang me at 3.50pm. Straight away I thought why does he always contact
me when he's finished work or about to finish work. He told me about
“a meeting with the CEO Peter Byrne and the Psychologist and they
said eldest should be sectioned and the Professor will sign it but
they need two doctors to sign it as well” I said “my Dr is on
holiday but I sent him an email about everything” Darragh said “oh
shit” I said “my eldest should have been taken to the hospital
to get medically checked so why the talk about sectioning, all that's
needed is the cycle to be broken and help for him so he can live
independently” Darragh said “I will send him an email, what
should it contain” I said “he should be offered help via the
Professor and the so called Gheel Autism experts who have done jack
shit to date or all his talk of suicide could lead to him being
sectioned and send it to him ASAP because I'm hanging on by a very
thin thread here” Darragh
said “we have plenty of service users who work, have relationships
and cope with support and do not need medication or booze to do so”
He asked me “what do you think eldest wants” I said “to be
cured of Autism, he cannot see himself ever having a normal life,
friends, relationship or work so he wants to die” I was pretty
hysterical on the phone telling him “I need this all ended so I can
have some peace and not be so fearful or so stressed, Darragh
said “I will get to work on the email and send it to him straight
away” At that very moment my eldest walked past the living room. I
told Darragh “he's probably been listening to all I've just said”
Darragh said “good, maybe it's time he realised what he's put you
thru” I said “I'm done being a carer, I'm completely done”
Darragh said “I know Anne”
I
have an awful headache and my sinuses are killing me. From 8pm till
8.45pm all my eldest did was walk up and down the stairs doing god
knows what. I'm now petrified in case he misinterpreted what he heard
me say on the phone to Darragh. I locked my bedroom door.
2nd
July
Email
to Darragh Byrne of Gheel:
“He
claimed he would never see another professional as long as he lived
and never any psychiatrist, stems from the other County when Consult
Mc Dwyer promised would give full support for Nua Health Care then
said no. Also from when Child Psych stopped him from talking about
his father, he said they do not listen so what is the point. He has
Oppositional Defiance Disorder too which does not help, he rows his
own boat and god help any who try to get in or capsize it. In my
opinion as things could not get any worse, I believe he should be
told, not asked, told, that an appointment has been made for him to
see a Professor given his suicide attempt on 26th
June
and his admitting he did same on 17th
and
now corresponding with suicide website users otherwise he is looking
at getting sectioned for his own welfare and safety, if these are
only choices he has then I am sure he will pick the Professor as a
mental hospital would be his worse nightmare, as he has declared
before he would throw himself in front of first speeding vehicle if
that were to happen. You could also tell him that I have informed you
that he believes he will never live a normal life of friends, work
and relationships, I have tried telling him he can be taught to fake
it till he makes it but coming from mum, it does not go in. If he
realised you know many who are doing so without Xanax or booze then
it may give a lifeline. He may now believe given his present mindset
that I do not care, because I have told him I am done, but when he
sent me the apology email, it showed that he did know how badly he
has treated me over the years, he is intelligent enough to know but
defiant enough to feel self pity and only from his own point of view
and perspective”
3rd
July
I've
not had much sleep at all with my eldest going up and down the stairs
in the early hours of the morning. He had a pizza delivered at some
point, he's never done that on his own before. He was still awake at
5am when I got up. My head and sinuses are in terrible pain.
I
got the 8.30am bus to Tesco, collected his money and got his usual
shopping. Got him €10 phone credit that I paid for because I forgot
to take it out of his money. I can't put my head down due to the
pressure and pain in my head and sinuses so went into the doctor on
the off chance I would be seen. A lovely old man was standing in for
my Dr. He told me I have a chest infection and a sinus infection and
I should be in bed getting as much rest as I can so I can get better
quickly. He prescribed painkillers, anti biotics and an anti
histamine. I told him to cancel the painkillers because I have a son
who wants to kill himself and he will probably swallow the lot if he
got his hands on them. He asked for more details about it so I told
him everything, he said “god love you, I'm sorry you have so much
trouble” He asked “does your Dr know” I said “Oh yes, he
knows everything and I sent him an email recently but he didn't
reply” He told me “get the meds and get home and go straight to
bed otherwise with the chest infection you could well end up in the
hospital” He was a nice man.
Bus
home to a letter from Aunty and I was disgusted with what she had to
tell me. She speaks to my ex's mother once a month on the phone and she was told “He is delighted to at last have HIS divorce but he no
longer has the young girl living with him because she went back to
live with her parents because Anne caused them so much hassle and
trouble. He has no money at all because Anne cleared the joint bank
account, Anne was always violent and had broken his ribs” The lying
piece of shit scum bag, I hope his balls get gangrene and cause him
eternal pain. He's a miserable human being, I hope he rots in hell.
No wonder my sons are like they are, they are made in his character
and his name. Aunty said in her letter that she had to bite her
tongue because she knows the truth especially about the ex girlfriend
because I'd sent her copies of the ex girlfriends emails which
explains why she left my ex and it had fuck all to do with me. I now
have steam coming out of my ears.
I
sent Darragh Byrne an email.
Hi
Darragh, I
got him €10 phone credit this morning. I also went to see doctor,
my Dr is on holiday till 16th, there will be no doctor at all in the
surgery next week, I saw the stand in, I have chest infection, sinus
infection, head cold and neuralgia in face. Was given antihistamine
and anti biotics but had to refuse prescription of pain killers in
case I forget to hide my handbag and my eldest found them. He is
still awake after having no sleep all night”
My
head is still painful and disgusting stuff is pouring out of my
sinuses. No one has tried to call or text me.
At
6.40pm a text from Darragh Gheel “Hi Anne, got your emails. How are
you feeling. Hopefully the anti biotic will kick in soon and give you
some relief. Any change today. I'll try to get the email drafted and
sent and posted to him ASAP”
My
eldest was still up at midnight. I heard the front door handle
rattle. I don't know if this means he's gone out so I can't lock the
door from the inside.
2nd
July
Email
from Darragh:
“Hi
Anne,thanks for the email and for the record - you made perfect
sense. I think that the idea to give him the options given his recent
attempts is a good idea. I just wonder who the best person to ask him
is? Would it be better coming from me or someone higher up the chain
than me? Also, I know that I don't exactly have a great relationship
with him but I am conscious of ruining whatever relationship there is
if it comes from me. Let me know if you think that's ridiculous.
Darragh”
3rd
July
Email
to Darragh:
“my
eldest has been awake all night, I was in my bedroom from 8pm, I lay
down to sleep at 10.30pm and he was up and down stairs like a yo-yo.
He was awake when I woke at 5am. I came downstairs and he has had a
pizza delivered from Dominoes, he has never used his phone and spoke
to anyone before, I hope to hell it is not a “last supper scenario”
I may sound dramatic but I am now ill myself, chest infection and
head cold, feel like crap. I checked his room when he was in bath
last night 6pm, no new writing in his copy book, from memory this is
what I remember he has
written
approx 26th
to
29th
June,
there was lot more but I do not remember: "Loneliness
is a disease caused by Aspergers" "Spent 7 years lying in
bed listening to music, watched friends go uni, S hang herself age
16" "Life is not precious or beautiful" "To think
that in few hours can go from living to being an object, S did not
deserve it, neither does E" "Hope it does not hurt" I
also know because he read out to me (on 26th
and
27th
June
from his I phone) each time he consumed Xanax and Tramadol and
Baileys on 26th
June and
his reasons why, like keeping a phone diary, I have written down bits
and pieces he said but cannot find as I have hid so well. End of
update”
I
cannot believe that 8 days after my eldest took the overdoses that
I'm still sitting here waiting for help for him
4th
July
Awake
at 5am and feeling much better because I'm not coughing non stop this
morning. Pain still in my head and my sinuses but nothing like they
were. I sent my friend an email.
Tears
came from no where, non stop tears. I battled a sob in my throat, and
never felt anything so painful in my life before with a huge painful
lump in my throat that would not go away. Crying made it worse but I
couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop trying to remove the painful
gulped down lump in my throat.
At
2.10pm. I have reached the point of no return. I rang R and left a
message saying I need help and support please. I couldn't stop
crying. I had to go out and pay my rent and bills, they will not pay
themselves and I have no one else to do it for me, ill or not I have
to go out.
I
just got to the bus stop when Darragh rang me at 2.23pm, he
obviously couldn't remember our prior conversation with him telling
me on the 2nd that the “CEO and a Psychologist had a meeting and
said my eldest needs to be sectioned” he
yapped on about “how getting eldest sectioned would be the worse
thing for him, he may not recover. I interrupted him and started
shouting in the street at him down the phone. “I never once said
that my son should be sectioned, just like I didn't get my youngest
sectioned, my youngests own actions and an assessment from D Doc got
him sectioned, not me” I shouted “my eldest like my youngest
needs help from someone, he's saying continually that he doesn't want
to live, that he wants to die, he's taken two overdoses that I know
off in two weeks, he needs help and it needs to be professional help”
Darragh asked me “would he see the Professor, would this make a
difference because I know he's had bad experiences with a
psychiatrist and psychologists” I shouted “letters after a
person's name would not impress my eldest and why the fuck are you
asking me” I shouted “what's happened to the urgent email you
were sending my eldest by email and by post ASAP to offer him the
help of the Professor anyway due to all his wanting to die talk”
Darragh said “we need to get the Professor on board” I was openly
screaming down the phone at him in the street, I was openly crying
and cursing like a trooper whilst standing at the bus stop. I roared
“you told me Professor Fitzgerald was already onboard. I told him
“I'm going to fucking die because I cannot live with this fear of
what might happen next” he said “we are worried about that too,
we have to take your safety into account” I roared “bullshit you
are again leaving me in the exact same position and I cannot cope
with this, I have been roaring for help from everyone for all these
years, four years at Gheel for support, for help, for services and
thanks to you lot,
I
lost one son and you lot fucked up my relationship with my youngest
by doing nothing
and
the other is actively trying to kill himself and you know it because
I sent you the Suicide website that my eldest is on, I sent you the
actual page where that evil bitch E asked for a suicide partner in
fucking Europe and my eldest is now her friend and Skyping her daily”
I was screaming “what is it going to take for you lot to do
anything for my son, I have done enough, I've been driven insane”
I screamed “could you fucking live with this, could you fucking put
up with this” his answer was “no Anne” He said “I wasn't at
the meeting with Peter Byrne and the Gheel Psychologist on the 2nd”
I
shouted “so why the hell did you tell me on the phone that at the
meeting they said that my eldest should be sectioned” He said “can
we send you on a break” I screamed “I need a break from the
person I no longer want living in my house, I want peace, I want
privacy, I want quiet, I want no more worrying if my son is dead, if
he's going to hold me hostage verbally and tell me all he thinks of
me and all the awful things he says to me for hours on end, I want no
more worrying about any noise I may make, any calls I may take, I
want normality that is what I want” I knew I was hysterical,
people were walking past me and looking at me and looking back at me
as they walked on but I no longer cared, I had completely lost the
plot. I screamed at Darragh “stop sending my son fucking emails
and texts that he just ignores, get into my house and see him for
yourself, you cannot see him or read his body language, get into my
fucking house and find out why he's trying to kill himself, why he
wants to die, see him, face him, talk to him, offer him help, offer
him services, tell him how he can live and how he should live, one of
you had better do something” Darragh
said “all we ever hear is what you tell us, eldest could have a
different perspective on things” I said “ do you fucking think
I'm making all this up, are you calling me a liar” he said “off
course not”
He said “I will come to the house tomorrow and will email him to
tell him, not ask him, I will tell him I want to see him face to face
and I'll let you know later when”
I
had to get on the bus and I knew I looked in a dreadful mess and
state. Why in gods name do these people wait till the carer is on
their knees, is having a breakdown of their own. I can no longer see
any future for myself. I am done. Me the funny, the friendly, the
kind, the generous, the life and soul of any party, the one all can
depend on, the one who had many friends no matter where I lived and I
have been reduced to this battered, tattered, in pieces mess.
R
from Cross care sent me a text when I was on the bus, it said she
would call me when she was free.
I
walked slowly to Tesco when she rang me. I was openly crying again
and told her about my screaming and cursing and roaring in the street
on the phone to Darragh of Gheel and told her “they are a lying
shower of bastards and I'm done and done in, they have changed the
goal posts yet again, they made promises about many things over the
years and then provided not one of those promises, all they have done
is give me the run around and I have fucking zilch energy to run
anywhere any more and what about my eldest, how the hell can they
just have sat back all these years and not helped him, not helped him
recently, how can they not have helped him” I told her how awful
it's been, how awful it is. I told her all I just said to Darragh. I
told her “I've exhausted all possibilities and that all this has
been going on since 2006 starting in S” I named all professionals
because I forget nothing, all the people, all the agencies, all the
Dial Ministers, all the TD's I've contacted. I told her “I have
been emptied of my very spirit, my life is not worth living, my life
is over and I'm glad about that, so glad about that” I told her “I
had no life the minute I met their father and where he failed to kill
my spirit then my sons have definitely achieved it and I couldn't
have done more for them than I did, I did the very best that I could
and all out of love” I told her “I've had no life of my own at
all since I returned to Ireland for my eldest in 2006 and no one
gives a shit, it has been proven to me time and time again how little
I matter to anyone including my children so why would anyone want to
live after that” I told her “I've had enough pain and misery and
abuse and I do not think I will ever smile, laugh or feel ever again
so why bother” She said “I am worried about you” I told her
“I'm sorry to hear that and I'm worried about myself but no one can
give me back the years I have lost, the years that were stolen from
me without my consent, without an ounce of gratitude or love for all
I have done for my sons, I have now lost any energy and fighting
spirit I did have and all these years have been for nothing,
absolutely nothing. All the years of begging everyone for help and
support and services resulted in nothing at all, everyone just left
me to put up and shut up but I didn't and now look at me, crying and
screaming at Darragh fucking Byrne in the street in front of passers
by and all because he fucking lied to me again, now I'm alone, I'm
isolated, I have been abused for years, I have been controlled for
years by my sons, I've had no peace, I've had no one come into my
house to keep me company, I've had no relationship with any man after
my ex husband because I put my sons first, I've had no conversations,
just orders and put downs and abuse out of them for years, I have
been their un thanked skivvy, I've even had to run about for them
when I've been ill, when I couldn't even walk properly with my
arthritis, I've been at the mercy of their awful mood swings and
temper and then my youngest left and no one gave a shit as to how
that broke me, in my heart and soul, even my Dr told me to walk away
from them both in 2010” I was by then walking around Tesco
pretending to shop and still crying whilst on the phone to R, I told
her “I have to go because I'm making an ass of myself in front of
people” She said “we'll meet up for a cup of tea next week
because I want to meet you in person I said “okay”
R
rang me again when I was going home by taxi after shopping. “I want
to get you help with your isolation and your plans. I told her “my
plans are not immediate, I have things I need to get done first, like
copying my journals so my sons can see for themselves everything I
tried to do for them and all that happened to us since the cottage
and all they actually did to me and hopefully one day when they
mature and grow up, they can see for themselves and realise their
mother did love them, did her best for them and I did not deserve any
of this at all” She asked “can I call Darragh Byrne about what
you've said and let him know how serious this is” I said “he
knows because I've told him, in fact I screamed it all at him what I
intend to do and he won't give a stuff anyway so I don't see the
point but yes you can go ahead because
no
one should have to live as I've had to and done it alone despite
contacting every bloody professional in Dublin and getting no reply
to all complaints” she said “I want to
contact your doctor too” I told her “he's on holiday but I've
emailed him and he knows all that's gone on in Dublin since 2009”
she said “I will talk to the surgery anyway and send them a letter
and let them know how you feel re isolation and your future plans to
end it all” She asked me “would you see your eldest on the
streets” I said “no, never, I'm not that cruel and cold hearted,
it's only been my love for him that's held me prisoner to him all
these years but I get no love or kindness, now I can do no more, take
no more” She asked “would you consider a break away from him”
I said “that's Darragh's words and he must have also told you what
my reply to him was because I told him if my son is left alone he
will carry out his threat to kill himself and no one would know about
it and he will not open the door to anyone” R said “he is 21
years old and should take responsibility for his own actions” I
said “I know and I know that both my sons have treated me
appallingly but that's always been excused by Gheel as due to Autism
yet I'm on an American site and they all disagree because they all
have the same Autism and they said this is not Autism causing how
they are to me, it's ABUSE” I told her “I feel sucked dry and
I'm not a cunt, I'm not a whore, I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not
a drama queen. I'm just empty, totally empty and I hope my sons are
happy and proud of themselves for the way I am today” She said
“stay in touch and don't be alone, I'm just at the end of the phone
and we can meet up anytime”
R
rang again, she'd spoken to Darragh and written a letter to the GP”
I
received this text at 7.03pm from Darragh “I contacted eldest
earlier, said I would be there at 1pm and that if he wanted I would
ask you to give us privacy, hope you don't mind, thought he would be
more likely to talk. He did not respond yet but I am going to call.
Do you think it would be useful for him to have 1 or 2 Xanax before I
call as he will probably be very anxious?”
My
text reply to Darragh: “I will search for the .25 prescribed for
me, I have hidden them and cannot remember where. I'll leave them
out for him if I find them. I'll be out of the house sitting in the
park at 1pm. If he does not answer the door to you, I will leave key
under coal bag at front door and you can let yourself in. I'm very
concerned about you saying something along the lines of, all info is
coming from me re my eldest, I asked you if you think I'm making all
this up, am I lying. I would never claim anything that is not
actually happening, that is not true. I know how hard your job must
be and I'm sorry that you have been lumbered by us. I wish Eeld was
back, no reflection on you but women think and feel differently. I
just wish you all for a nano second asked yourselves how would you
cope, what would you do in my position. That is all I have to say.
Let me know in the morning if you are still coming out at 1pm”
Darragh
text reply at 7.26pm “I know you're not lying, I was merely trying
to point out what the hospital might say because eldest has not
engaged with anyone. My job is nothing compared to your life-I have
nothing but respect for you. Talk to you tomorrow”
He
is a fucking bullshitting liar re “what the hospital might say”
No one who presents at a hospital with an overdose would be
questioned about his previous non engagement. He was in a hospital
before for a frigging operation so what Darragh said is just pure
shit, he is just like the rest of them, a bullshitter and a liar.
5th
July
Awake
at 5.30am, the back door was unlocked and the kitchen window was open
so I know my eldest has been up and is okay.
I'm
feeling suffocated and trapped and I'm desperate that today brings
change of any kind for my eldest. The apology he sent me by email
tells me he knows and has always know what he's done to me for years
is wrong. I feel sick but this all has to end. If it goes badly once
Darragh has left the house then I will just call the Garda and if the
Garda refuse to do anything I will jump on top of their car and
scream in the street until they do something because I'm not having
my eldest explode at me one more time.
My
friend rang me.
Darragh
rang at 12.10pm “will be at your house at 12.55pm, what room is he
in if I have to let myself into the house” He told me “anything
I'm told will not be reported back to you” I said “that's good
because it will be one less thing to worry about but I would
appreciate if you let me know when you've left my house so I can
return home” He said “I'm sorry to be kicking you out of your
house. I will knock the front door and if he doesn't answer then I
will use the key to get in” I told him “I'm not going to be his
carer any more” He said “I know”
Darragh
rang me again, minutes after his first call and told me “don't talk
because he will know it's me but I've just received a text from him
telling me there's no point in coming to the house because he's not
sedated and she's just trying to get me sectioned like she did my
brother” I reminded Darragh “I did not get my youngest bloody
sectioned at all, my youngest was a voluntary patient for a week and
then he was sectioned by D Doc after they assessed him and I have not
ever said I want my eldest sectioned, I said he should have been
medically treated for the large overdose he took, someone has to help
him break this cycle, three overdoses in as many days should tell
everyone what they need to know, he needs help and I cannot help him,
I would be the one left catatonic if I found his corpse” Darragh
said “I will still come to the house and if need be I'll try and
talk to him thru his door if I have to” I said “do anything at
all that you think will help and I've left Xanax on the bannister
outside his room” he said “I will let him know”
At
12.15pm my eldest came out of bedroom after I heard his phone vibrate
so I knew he'd been told about and got the Xanax. I left the house
and walked for an hour, I no longer trust Darragh, I am being fed
bull shit on a regular basis by him and all those idiots at Gheel for
years now.
I
was sitting at my front gate when Darragh came out of the house, my
dog jumped up on him and unfortunately her paws balanced on his
balls, Darragh was bent over with pain but was laughing. I asked him
“did you manage to talk to eldest” he said “I couldn't really
say because he doesn't want you to know anything” I said “I
asked you if you have seen and spoken to my son, I did not ask you
what he said” He said “yes I spoke to him” I said “okay”
and went back into the house and he drove away.
After
talking to a charity volunteer buddy. I was given the following
advice:
“Cut
the so called weekly support with Darragh Byrne, you said he is
useless anyway”
“Distance
yourself from Gheel completely, your son's care is now their concern,
he will soon find out about them himself as look at how they did not
respond to the emergency with your youngest nor with your eldest and
they do not give real support”
“Link
back in with the charity, it will get you out of the house”
“Start
thinking only of yourself now. Be as selfish and as happy as humanly
possible, you deserve it!
“If
any other crisis, don't text Gheel as you are not dealing with them
any more”
“Think
now only of your own needs, your own likes and your own interests”
“You
have dedicated a very large part of your life to being a mum, your
job is done, it is over, it is now time to be Anne again”
“Say
nothing to the professionals concerned about what you've heard
because it will only be twisted back on you”
I
told my charity buddy what had gone on with Darragh in the house and
he said “they are filthy, despicable bastards and that one is no
professional talking like that to your son, I don't care what he was
trying to do to get your son on side, no professional goes into
anyone's house and talks and swears like that to any client. You
really are the Christian in a den of lions, and he's supposed to be
your support, you need to put in a formal complaint”
Darragh
-
You look so different, slim and fit; I wanted to see you as I'm
concerned
Eldest
-
I'm talking to my brother, she's about to have me sectioned.
Darragh
-
She doesn't want that, she wants to break this cycle; I know she did
do to youngest, that was shitty, it was a shitty situation, and it’s
shitty for you both. I am not here for her, you probably think I am
but I'm not. I work for Gheel, I work for the Outreach Team, and I’m
the Outreach Manager. I'm not a professional, like I said in the
email I'm not going to try and get inside your head, that's not what
I do, I’m not a shrink, you don’t need a shrink. I know you
probably don't want that, it's the last thing you need, why would you
want that, it's bullshit, I meet people with Aspergers all the time,
they say why can't they just leave me alone, accept me for who I am
and that's exactly what we do, our job is as Support Workers, we work
for you, like a P.A if you like, to get you access to services and
that is all we do. Have you heard the term advocate, we are not
trying to control your life, it's your life, you can do whatever you
want with it, we are just here to help you do whatever you want to
do, we teach how to live independently, we support very smart people
but they need certain skills, like cooking, basic kind of house
skills, and help you get work experience, a job, accommodation,
housing, we are there as constant support for you, we are not going
to force ourselves on you, make you do things you don't want to do. I
don't know if you knew what we did. (I
did not get my youngest sectioned, I screamed at everyone to help
him)
Eldest
- Social Services.
Darragh
- No that's a completely different thing, the Outreach only deals
with adults with Aspergers, completely different with working with
Autism. Aspergers client group are completely different, like
anxiety, how am I going to have relationships, how am I going to cope
in group situations, deal with shops, that's all we deal with, try
and enhance your life, they are the biggest things for people with
Aspergers, it's fucking crippling, really, really difficult to deal
with, I'm not going to tell you, you know what it's like, I don't, I
can only go on what we are told and asked to do, I know how shitty it
is sometimes, lots of people will not have left their house in a long
time.
Eldest
-
Not 7 years tho.
Darragh
- Yeah, 7 years and more, one guy was 18 when we met him as we're an
adult service, had not been out of his house since age 9, was
expelled from school, pounded hell out of another kid, was home
schooled and now he's out doing things, self-taught, is doing a
course, out there now enjoying life, that is all I am trying to offer
you if you want it.
Eldest
– No
Darragh
- What do you want?
Eldest
-
Nothing, I do not have any goals at all, I do not want anything.
Darragh
- You know your mum has made an application to downsize and get house
on her own, has she told you that.
Eldest
– Yeah
Darragh
-
That might leave you in a sticky situation, nowhere to go really but
I just want to reassure you that we are not going to leave you stuck,
leave you homeless, there are options, we can get you housing.
Eldest
-
She tried that back in January last year and it got rejected.
Darragh
- I know but things are different now thanks to Edel, we really
expanded, the Outreach has quadrupled in size, services we support
now are different, our relationship with the HSE is different now, we
have a wider net, the last thing you want is to go into a place with
a load of people, so we will try and get you somewhere on your own.
Silence
Darragh
- I know parents can be absolute pain in the hole, everyone's
parents, they think they know what's right for you, we're not going
to leave you high and dry, not going to stick you in a house and
leave you there, if you want anything, you know, supports,
medication, a job, go out, whatever it is there's nothing we cannot
do for you. You can have as much or as little support, you’re in
control, you say when and how, we did help youngest out with some
things, can't say too much due to confidentiality, youngest does not
want us to say but you could check in with him
Eldest
- I was texting him this morning, he said he saw you when he was over
here, said you helped him move his stuff back.
Darragh
- “I saw him yeah, I was with your mum at the time, thought it
would be better for youngest at the house with her not there. We do
have access to clinicians, we have Psychologists, Psychiatrists, a
Professor who is a specialist in Autism, and he helped youngest with
medication if you want to speak to him.
(Not
true, I begged Darragh Byrne for help to get me out of the house as
it would have broken my heart to watch my youngest leave again.
Darragh Byrne is a lying bastard)
Eldest
- “No
way in hell am I ever going to be allowed Xanax ever again”
Darragh
- OK
I suppose if he thought what you did before it may be difficult but
there are other meds apart from Xanax.
Eldest
- I
am not taking anti-depressants
Darragh
- Have
you ever been on before?
Eldest
- No
but mum tried to get me on anti-psychotics (A
Psychiatrist prescribed them for him twice, I did not know what they
were, I was just the gopher)
Darragh
-
Oh god that's a pretty dirty drug, would leave you like a zombie,
there are cleaner ones that make you less anxious, how would you
describe it, are you depressed
Eldest
- No, just nervous, anxious, tried going out at midnight the other
night, I was scared shitless.
Darragh
-
There are still many people around at midnight, when you are out are
you just walking around?
Eldest
-
I go to St Ann's park and back
Darragh
-
Are you trying to expose yourself outside when there are less people?
Eldest
–
Yeah
Darragh
-
Just to kind of de sensitise, that's a brilliant idea.
(I
told Darragh Byrne I was taking my eldest out at 5am in the mornings
to help him and told him Gheel should have been doing this)
Eldest
-
“It does not work”
Darragh
- “Yeah, in theory it makes sense but it's proper fucking horrific
when you're out there, particularly if you're going out without
medication, I know the last few years you've had to take a lot of
Xanax to make the experience a little more tolerable but that's not a
long term solution, works short term if you have to do something. We
have lots of guys the same who say going outside is excruciating but
they do with medication and they do leave the house, the more they do
it the more they de sensitise”
Eldest
- “The other week I took vodka and went to local cafe and had some
breakfast, I haven't done that before”
Darragh
- “Oh my god, without Xanax”
Eldest
–
“Yeah”
Darragh
-
“Did you enjoy it?”
Eldest
- “I get a nice warm buzz from it, like when I take Baileys to
watch a film”
Darragh
- “That's fucking brilliant”
Eldest
- “I can't get more as I have no ID, I have a baby face”
Darragh
- “You don't look under 18”
Eldest
-
“After I took exams in 2007 with Xanax I've hardly left the house
so I've no ID, Mum did get passport form for me the week before she
started ignoring me”
(The passport forms were Irish; he wants
a British passport but refused to get passport photo's done when I
took him to town to get them done)
Darragh
-
“Do you want me to get passport forms for you, I can do that”
Eldest
– “No”
Darragh
- “If that was a positive experience for you, if you liked it, your
21 that's the sort of shit 21 year olds do, go out, get vodka, get
breakfast, have a beer, have Baileys, that is the sort of shit you
are entitled to do, you are old enough, it's your life”
Eldest
-
“I would like to move back to the UK”
Darragh
-
“Would you”
Eldest
–
“Yeah”
Darragh
- “Do you wanna get a job?
Eldest
– “Suppose”
Darragh
-
“It will give you more independence, more freedom and a life,
sheesht you are smart enough. Jesus you are fucking smarter than a
lot of people, the world is your oyster. I know it sounds like a
fucking cliché but with the skills you've got and your intelligence,
do you want a job where you go in get paid, go home, how do I get you
there, could start by getting you ID. You could go to the UK, can we
start doing that, have you any photographs?” (my
eldest has had agoraphobia since 2006, where is the sense
Eldest
- “Got some in my room but probably be rejected, a woman 5 foot
tall took them from my chin up”
Darragh
- “They are pretty strict with photos, need a clear shot, you need
them done properly, do you want me to try on Monday and get you Xanax
and make the experience a little more easy?”
Eldest
-
“The doctor told me to make them last as long as possible, no way
in hell will he give me any more”
Darragh
- “Probably not 30 in one go, smaller amount, we don't have to get
your mum to get them, I think the Dr is on holiday”
Eldest
- “I took some days before the overdose then 20 odd the day of
overdose, that should have killed me but did not even come close and
I mixed with three different substances”
Darragh
-
“Jesus, really”
Eldest
- “Yeah, took almost a gram of Tramadol, I read it online, washed
it down with Baileys and just blacked out from there, I mean memory
loss, I was conscious the whole time”
Darragh
-
“Holy shit my eldest, what did it feel like?”
Eldest
- “I don't know, something like 18 hours or so is blank, only have
snippets, can't remember any conversations”
Darragh
- “Shit, oh my god”
Eldest
- “That's supposed to be massive, a massive overdose and all it did
was cause black outs for me”
Darragh
- You must have a pretty high tolerance
Eldest
- To any substance, yeah
Darragh
- What about alcohol, does that help
Eldest
- A big glass of Baileys gives me a buzz
Darragh
-With Baileys there is not much alcohol
Eldest
- 12%, I tried Absinthe, bought it online
Darragh
- Oh for fuck's sake
Eldest
- Yeah mixed with 5 parts water.
Darragh
- That would strip paint off walls.
Eldest
- I was fine
Darragh
- Holy shit, what does it taste like?
Eldest
– Liquorice
Darragh
- So alcohol would be your choice?
Eldest
- Yeah, I suppose so. Is a bit of a social stigma tho walking around
tipsy in daytime but works completely for me
Darragh
- Gives you courage, lowers your inhibitions, and does not leave you
anxious?
Eldest-
Would like a different substance each day so do not build up
resistance, without Xanax I can feel my heart rate.
Darragh-
You can feel your own heart beat on a regular basis.
Eldest
- Only when I am nervous.
Darragh-
I don't see anything wrong with that if it allows you to do things; I
can't see problems with that at all.
Eldest
- I'd like Xanax one day, alcohol the next, something else another
day.
Darragh-
What would the something else be?
Eldest
- I'd rather not talk about that
Darragh-
Fair enough, ok.
Eldest
- She threw them all out (I
gave the medication to Darragh Byrne the day of my eldests overdose
so they weren't in the house)
Darragh
- Oh shit so you have nothing apart from what she gave you this
morning
Eldest-
Talking about medical effects of Xanax, “affects my memory, I won't
remember any of this conversation”
Darragh
-
If that's what Benzo's do to you, can you not try something else?
Eldest-
I write notes on my phone
Darragh
- You have to keep a diary to remember
Eldest-
Gives Darragh a science lesson on all meds
Darragh
-
Can you get something else
Eldest-
A lot of people take Anti-Depressants but I'll never take them. The
withdrawal is fucking horrendous, I took extended release ones, did
not do anything, I stopped cold turkey, doctor said it's
a
worse withdrawal than heroin, caused mood swings, October 20th had to
stop taking in 2009, started seeing and hearing things. (He
is mistaken, it was 3mg per day of Xanax he quit cold turkey)
Darragh
- That's not fucking good. We can continue getting you Xanax in
smaller doses, I know she was at the doctor, she's sick, she's
probably told the doctor now
Eldest
- She sent me an email telling me to stay out of her way; she
communicates by putting sticky notes on doors (My
youngest put sticky notes on doors, not me)
Darragh
- That's not fucking healthy communication.
Eldest
“brother was an idiot posting those photos online but he did not
deserve to be sectioned.
Darragh
- I know, I know (I
did not get my youngest sectioned, it what he was doing to himself
by self harming and after an assessment by D Doc that got him
sectioned for fuck sake)
Silence
Darragh
- So alcohol works for you and you have got no Xanax and no alcohol
Eldest
- She hid my bottle of Baileys under the drawers in the kitchen, I
found it took to my room and watched a film.
Darragh
- What do you want to do, you have got nothing now, start with ID
Eldest
- Suppose I can make a list and email to you
Darragh
- Can get photos done
Eldest
- Need meds
Darragh
- Can go see the Professor
Eldest
- No.
Eldest
-my brother has been sending me texts
Darragh
- At the moment does your money get paid into your bank account or
does your mum pick it up for you.
Eldest
- She gives it to me, I don't want a bank account, I don't want to
be in this country, I was dragged here by mum and dad when I was 10.
Darragh
- Do they give cash to your mum?
Eldest
– Yeah
Darragh
- I can bring you there if you want, we can do that on Wednesday, is
that when you get your money, does your mum still do that for you,
if your happy enough for her to keep doing that, it's fine. I know
you and your mum are not communicating and it makes things harder.
That may not always be the case but certain things like your money
you will need.(He
cannot collect his money with no ID, I have asked the post office
this myself)
Eldest
- She just wants to stay signed on; it's humiliating on the dole,
that's her first resort.
(I
had no bloody say or choice in the matter)
Darragh
- Can totally understand that, you don't want to be a leech, a
scrounger. So we'll start with those things, anything else you can
think of, just think of me as a PA, don't take the piss tho, I do
have morals ha-ha. There is a lot of tension in the house, must be
difficult for you. (So
that's what Darragh Byrne thinks of carers “you don't want to be a
leech, a scrounger”)
Eldest
- She is acting like a 5 year old. She left me Xanax outside my
bedroom door, she could not even knock the door and let me know.
Darragh
- She could not even say that
Eldest
– No
Darragh
-
Oh for Christ’s sake
Eldest
- I could hear her downstairs, I have not been in same room as her
for a week, I passed her on the stairs, and she said stay out of my
fucking way (I'm
not that brave, I emailed him, I did not say anything to him)
Darragh
-
Fucking hell
Silence
Darragh
- Suppose what I am trying to say is that I'm not taking sides, I'm
not on your side and I'm not on her side but I know there are two
people here and I'm only hearing your mum's side. I've got a whole
new perspective on this now and I have to appreciate that. It's not
that everything your mum tells me is bad, it's not, a lot of the
time it's about other stuff. Want to give you an option and get you
things that you need, it's probably harder now as your not talking
and if she does end up kicking you out of the house that you have
some place to go, I know you say you want to return to the UK but in
the meantime
Eldest
- I've not asked my brother but I'm wondering if I could sleep on
his couch for a couple of weeks
Darragh
-
Sure if you are speaking to him you could ask him
Eldest
- He says he lives in an absolute shit hole in London, says crack
heads are outside his door
Darragh
- Oh shit and he still lives there, when you kind of look at the
situation with him, what do you think?
Eldest
-
He actually said to me, get out of the house, get away from her,
it's a lot better
Darragh
-Do
you believe that
Eldest
-
I believe him
Silence
Darragh
- Just want to offer you support asides from your mum, just for you.
I don't have to tell her anything. Anything you want right now?
Eldest
– No
Darragh
- No. I won’t tell her then
Eldest
- She will flip
Darragh
-
So, nothing she can do about it
Silence
Darragh-
So
is there anything you want to do right now and I wont tell your mum
anything
Eldest
– No
Darragh-
Do
you have Passport Forms
Eldest-
I
dunno, she left it lying around, it's a long form
Darragh-
If
she finds it and fills it in, I can get it or I can help you fill in
what's missing and I can take the form
Eldest-
She
left my birth certificate on the stairs and my medical card and O2
money card.
Darragh
- Alright we’ll get the ID and whenever your ready we'll go see
Professor Fitzgerald about medication and start with that, If you
need credit, food, anything don't hesitate to contact me, if it's
not me, I've got a whole team of people I can get to drop stuff up
to the house for you. Hope that's alright. I did not want to come in
and make out I was some kind of ummm ,can't think of the word
Eldest-
Shrink
Darragh
– Yeah
that's the word, you don't need a shrink, we have psychologists, you
don't need to see, one is English, one is Scottish, fucking lunatics
the pair of them but they are good guys, they are not shrinks
either, they are so laid back, not forcing any of this on you.
Alright
Silence
Darragh
– Are
you alright
Eldest
– Yeah
Darragh-
Talk to you soon then, meanwhile you look at the UK If you want me
to check any of that for you.
Eldest
– No
Darragh-
OK,
thanks, Bye.
My
eldest had pizza delivered at 4pm, I'm glad one of us has an
appetite because after what I heard I sure fucking don't and haven't
eaten properly this past week. He put two empty Baileys bottles on
the kitchen worktop. And later a full box of chicken wings uneaten,
what a waste and after me getting in food for him this morning too.
T
rang me, he said he'd spoken to my charity buddy P who is going to
come down to the house and decorate it for me so I can get people
round to view re exchanging.
I
took down all my photo's and qualifications that I was so proud of
getting under very difficult home circumstances. All those memories,
all those photo's, all for nothing, all for fucking nothing.
He
didn't go into the bath till 11.40pm. I played Classical music on my
laptop and I cried like a baby. One thing I've decided and I never
go back on my word is NO ONE, NO ONE, will ever, ever, ever, get the
chance to lie about me again, will never get the chance to insult
me, abuse me or betray me ever again for however long I have left on
this planet. I should have had more sense re my eldest, he betrayed
me quick enough in the cottage. I really should have listened to my
youngest in 2006 when he told me “no we should not go back for
eldest, he had his chance and he chose to stay with the prick who
was abusing us all, he's just like dad and we will end up in a worse
state with him”
6th
July
Up
at 6am and out walking with my dog.
I'm
on auto pilot.
P,
my charity buddy rang to check on me.
T,
my charity buddy rang to check on me.
I
know I will be erased from my sons lives as if I never existed. If
there is ever a cure for people like them it will be too late for
them to seek me out and say sorry.
8th
July
Awake
at 5am. I ironed eldests new T shirts and hung them on his bedroom
door. I have €9 left to my name. I walked my dog and met a lovely
local lad in his 20's, he told me his Dad just found out he has
cancer and it's too late for any treatment and he's been brought
home to die. I felt so awful for him, he said all his family and
friends are supporting him, I'm so glad about that. We all need
people to care about us. I know what it's like when people don't,
when your own sons don't. The lad asked me if I was ill because he
said I looked rough, I said yeah, something like that and out of the
blue he gave me a hug and told me I looked like I needed one. He
will never know how much I needed that hug.
I
went to a charity meeting but I was there in body and nothing else,
I didn't get back till 5pm. I had two missed calls from Darragh
Byrne, it dawned on me again he always rings me when he's finished
work, he left no voice mail, I couldn't talk to him after I'd heard
how he spoke in my house, how he spoke to my eldest, how he referred
to me and about me, if I had rang him I would have verbally ripped
him apart, I never could keep my mouth shut about anything but I
will have my day with him one day and he will know exactly what I
think about my key SUPPORT worker.
9th
July
Up
at 5am. Out with my dog, the heat is awful for my skin. Got the
front garden mowed. I have no money, no smokes, it's always a long
day when you have nothing. my eldest made his own lunch and dinner.
I still cannot eat.
R
from Cross care sent me a text “can call you later” I replied
“I'm not in the mood for talking so no thank you” She texted
“can we meet up on Thursday” I replied “I will let you know”
I switched my phone off.
People
that know me, all know me as happy, friendly and extremely chatty, I
would talk to Nick the devil if he passed me in the street. I just
have that kind of personality but when I shut down, I'm incapable of
speech at all and that scares me because it means I've had too much
crap to cope with and my brain needs time to process everything so I
have no energy left to talk.
I
switched my phone back on at 3.36pm and Darragh Byrne was ringing
me, he can leave a frigging message. I cannot talk to him, I will
eat him alive if I answer the phone.
I
sent Darragh Byrne an email and I forwarded it to my eldest,
hopefully both idiots can read English and the contents of what I've
written sinks in. I have not asked and I have not tried EVER to
section my children. I do not have that kind of power.
My
For The Record email to Darragh and forwarded to my eldest:
“I
have continually kept you up to date by email or text re my eldest
until I realised that I normally would get no reply or no call and
was possibly just giving you an easy tick box day with these. Some
day's my support call did not come at all, if you were training the
new support workers then my support was on hold. On the 26th of
June I immediately contacted you as to the worry and fear of my
eldest that day, I told you that something was definitely up, I kept
you fully informed at every turn, even when I found the empty packs
and had to call an ambulance. He refused to go and was left in my
total care alone, which was a nightmare. I sent you a "help
me" text around 2pm, you told me you're training but did I want
you to come to house or come take me out of the house, I asked,
house please and you arrived at 5pm. I find it ironic that this
real emergency which to me should have had emergency support for
both my eldest (who practically keeps me hostage with all he wants
to tell and all he thinks I should know for up to 48 hours straight)
and for me finding my son in that state. You left at 6pm and I
gave you the pain killers I found to remove from the house. On the
26th of June after he overdosed on 20 odd one Grams of
Xanax plus 8 Tramadol and one bottle of Baileys (at €20 per
bottle) from the 4 bottles he insisted I buy him, which I could not
refuse as he was standing next to me in the shop. He tells me he's
on a suicide website and all the ways he can do it. I sent you the
page of the woman he's talking too. I have repeatedly said my son
needs help, just like I said with my youngest to no avail. I sent my
son an email that I am done, can't take any more and he can find
help for himself thru the Dr and Gheel after yet another diabolical
ear roasting for hours and hours and he threatened he may as well go
then to St Ann's park, find the Tramadol and cut his wrists, he does
not want to live, he wants to die and there is no cure for Autism,
again all was told to you by me. On Sunday 30/6/13 I tried
sending the outreach number the same text 4 times but they would not
deliver and I did have credit. Instead I had to ring and ask if I
could get a call back and Patrick did so. I asked he gives my eldest
the chance to know that someone, somewhere is there for him as I had
emailed I'm done with him. I gave all recent history and Patrick
said he would contact him and let me know, I said not by phone as I
will be in house and all will be heard, a text would suffice. None
came. You rang me Monday 1st July and I repeated what I did by
calling outreach to contact my eldest, you did not hear anything but
would find out via outreach team and get back to me. You did saying
Patrick had spoken to eldest for around 5 mins at 8.30pm last night,
Patrick said he was concerned about him (no concern shown till I
have to ask for something to be done) On 2nd June you rang me at
4pm, told me a meeting had been had by Gheel's CEO and a
psychologist, they said my eldest should be sectioned but it will
need two doctors to do so, I told you my Dr is on holiday, I told
you because I know my son so well that for the cycle to break all
should be tried to help him. Not once have I ever said, not once
have I ever had the power to and not once have I ever wanted either
of my sons sectioned. my youngest last year got himself into the
psych ward as a voluntary patient as he believed and wrote me an
email telling me he was mentally ill and wanted help, when they
refused him and he had to come home, his temper, I believe, had him
swallow an overdose of meds and he again took a razor to his arms,
again he was an inpatient for a week voluntarily. I did not
section my youngest Xmas week either, he for 5 weeks, as I
continually told you all went downhill mentally and had bought
Stanley Knife blades online which you were also sent a copy of along
with the receipt I found, again no one did anything, then he gave
himself a very deep horrific injury cut down to the fat beneath his
skin. The psych ward advised me to call the emergency Doctor as he
could hit a vein or an artery, they said it was serious and needed
medical treatment which my youngest refused but had to meet the
emergency doctor who came to house. When they upset him, he fled out
of the house. The doctor, not me, the doctor said this boy needs
help and I know it is hard and very difficult for a mum but I'm
going to have to section him and filled in the paperwork and
contacted the psych ward where my youngest had last demanded himself
admitted. My Dr then called me the same day, he said he had spoken
to someone at Gheel, he cannot remember his name who decided yes my
youngest should be sectioned and he agreed with them (be patient
there is a pattern to this story) Paul then rings me and tells me
it could be the worse thing to do to him, could ruin his life, may
never recover from this, we do not believe it is the best this to
do, have come up with 3 point plan (which should have been said and
done the prior 5 weeks but was not)
You
rang me on 4th July the conversation diametrically opposed to the
conversation we had on 2nd July. No wonder you lot make my head
spin. You tell me that getting my eldest sectioned could be the
worst thing to do, could ruin his life, he may never get over it,
that you were not actually at the meeting, I tell you I'm sick of
saying I cannot cope, 3 years I have needed support, help for the
boys, I've lost one son now and cannot remain in fear of and for
fear of my other, I am going to die, I ask you could you live like
this, you tell me no. You ask me could I go on a break, I said I am
happy in my house, I am surrounded by my own things, my pet is my
company I just want peace to breath and relax in my own home with no
more worry, I'm sick of you emailing and texting him, you sent him 2
letters, how can you see him, how can you read his body language,
how can you all know what is going on here all these years and now
recently and do nothing, I yell at you to get to my house, face him,
see for yourself if he is alright, make contact with him, you said
you would and be at house the next day. My question, why am I
doing the asking of outreach to support him and for you to get in
the house.? Why has none of this been done as a matter of fact.
Cross care rang me and after hearing what I had to say, she asked my
permission to contact both you (my key support) and my Dr on my
behalf due to the now seriousness of my situation, I said fine, she
could go ahead and that you and the Dr do know because I told you
myself on the 4th. She followed up by calling me back telling me she
had spoken to you. That was Thursday. You did not contact me at all
re R calling you. It is now Tuesday the 9th July. I have missed
calls from you late afternoon yesterday but no voice mail or texts.
I am in limbo still after 13 days. I would prefer anything you have
to say be done in writing or text so there from now on is a clear
record. At this moment in time and been felt for a long time now,
I have a bra that gives me more support. Again for the record,
I did not ask that any of my sons be sectioned, I asked for help
that they so very obviously needed. I have no power to get anyone
sectioned. I asked that they could be given a choice of one or the
other, meet with professionals or they could end up sectioned”
10th
July
Awake
at 2.30am, I couldn't get back to sleep. Went on the 9am bus up to
Tesco. I sent my eldest at text “I am at the shop, do you need
anything. if no reply you can contact Gheel for anything you need”
But I bought him his usual shop of juice, milk, chicken popcorn,
chocolate donuts, crisps, large tomato sauce, ice poles, cornetto's,
weetabix, butter and bread. I collected his money and the woman on
the till in Tesco told me “you look bloody awful” then said
“sorry I meant to say downbeat and not your usual chatty self”
and told me “there's a lovely little chapel with gorgeous stained
glass windows just across the road, you will find a bit of magic in
there if you look for it” I looked at her as if she was mad but I
went and found the little chapel, it was so peaceful. I sat for 5
minutes then ran for the bus but I missed it and had a half hour
wait for the next one.
I
put his money on my kitchen worktop. I found and started shredding
by hand all documents I no longer need. I have far too many court
documents, it was good to get rid of them. I found more things for
my eldest and put in an envelope and marked them NOT for
Professionals as they have their own copies. I gave him his School
Reports, the emails he had sent me, mostly abusive, his Junior Cert
results, two Gheel letters, various Social Work reports, Dr Shah's
report and immediate recommendations, his medical report marked
profound and I left them on the stairs for him.
I
went to town and was on the bus back when I got this text from
Darragh Byrne at 12.19pm
“Hi
Anne, I got your email and I'm disappointed that we cannot
communicate other than in writing or text- I would much prefer phone
or face to face. I'm supporting eldest and I'm taking him to see
Professor Fitz today but he has requested I don't divulge any
further information and I have to respect that as I told you last
Friday. I thought we could talk on Monday or Tuesday which is why I
called you but you didn't answer so I presume you did not want to
talk to me at all”
Off
course he doesn't want to put anything in fucking writing as it will
mean there is then a record of it. The idiot has still not answered
my many questions email either. I have no interest in knowing
anything that Gheel are doing with my eldest, it is less for me to
worry about. And if my eldest is out of my house then he can stay
out so I replied to Darragh “If I'm back in my house before my
eldest is then I will lock him out and refuse him entry ever again,
he's not welcome in my house” I had to jump off the bus because I
couldn't breathe, a man asked me if I was okay, I told him I'm not
but I just walked away from him. Darragh replied and I nearly threw
my phone away because I didn't want to read another thing from
anyone at Gheel, I didn't want to see or hear any more of their
bullshit
“Anne,
I understand your frustrations and how difficult this must be for
you but that is not the solution. I am working to resolve the issue
but I will need more time, please do not lock him out” I didn't
reply, he makes me sick with his lies, his bullshit, his two faced
persona, his pretend concern. I doubt he has yet read Dr Shah's
report and recommendations, if those bastards had and acted on those
recommendations our lives might have been worth living.
At
4.30pm my eldest was dropped off at the gate by a woman, no doubt
the one who “has a great rapport with service users” that
Darragh wanted my eldest to be linked in with. Amazing that he
calls them “service users” but to their faces he tells them they
are “clients” They have not a clue about my son, he's not an
Autistic, he's a person first with his own personality but all they
see is Autism and he will be treated as they want to treat them.
My
eldest had another pizza delivery at 4.45pm costing €46 FFS
I
took my dog out and rang Console, a man told me “you need a break
and need to recharge your batteries” I said “my batteries were
removed and thrown away a long time ago” I did not stay on the
phone for long because I was crying in the street again.
I've
missed my youngest every second he's been out of my life but realise
and I'm sorry that they will do the exact same thing to any woman
that comes into their lives and falls in love with them. God help
those women because if they could not love their own mother and
treat me kindly then no other woman has any chance at all. They will
always have someone else to blame for their behaviour, it will never
be their fault. I pity those future women, they are doomed before
they begin.
11th
July
Awake
at 3am, my head is rushing like a race track. All those years of my
life I have wasted. I don't know what depression is. I've had no
choice but to always just get on with it but I am so low. I see no
future for me at all.
R
from Cross care rang me, she said “I'll come out to the house and
take you for a walk” I didn't want to talk so I wrote down how I
feel for her to read.
She
came at 2.45pm, we sat in the park, it was busy because it's a
roasting hot day and the park was full and all I did was cry. I gave
her what I'd written. She said “the words are very powerful and
shocking and our sole concern is you” she said “your son has
Gheels support now and I'm supporting you” I told her “Gheel
don't know the meaning of the word support and I recorded Darragh
when he was in my house” and I told her all he had said in my
house. She said she wanted to write to Darragh and also Gheel
“because of the way your mental health has been affected” I
said “they don't give a shit about any carer, all they have
repeatedly said was they needed me to be removed from the picture to
get to my eldest, so they knew this would happen, they wanted this
to happen but I suppose they didn't expect me to last as long as I
did, they didn't expect me to be so vocal and such a harridan, they
probably thought I would've cracked up a long time ago” She asked
“can I take what you've written and copy it and I will give back
to you” I said “okay” She asked me “what would you like to
do for you” I said “I don't want anything any more except to
live on my own in peace and not fear” I told her “I'm in no
rush with my plans because I have things to do first especially
getting my journals all typed out and made into books for my sons
because I'd been told by Gheel that one day they will mature in
their heads and can then read for themselves the truth and not their
made up self protecting versions but the actual truth as it all
happened, as their mam lived and breathed it” She asked me “have
you ever gone on suicide websites” I said “I'd never heard of
them until my eldest told me about The Suicide Project and they
horrify me and I've sent a complaint to that site and they should be
banned because it's professional help those poor sods need, not
encouragement” R said she will talk to N and will send a letter
to Gheel.
My
disjointed rambling writing for R
“My
sons have put me thru hell. Domestic Abuse is evil, it's like paint
stripper, it takes you apart layer by layer and it never eases, even
when you feel some days have gone okay, you don't realise the paint
stripper is still doing it's work, bubbling away under your surface.
Your mask goes up for the outside world, the body does it's own
thing regards stress, you can't eat, you can't sleep, your skin
erupts, your guts either close down or overworks.
One
county off loads you to another as “more experts are there, there
is an office on site, less isolation for you, proper access to
services for your son” I moved and the isolation did not end, the
access to services for my son went ignored. I politely asked for
help, I cried for help, I roared for help, I screamed for help- No
help came.
I
was housed permanently from one isolation to eternal isolation. I
let everyone know what was needed. No one answered.
Home
life: I cannot talk on the phone, no privacy. No one is invited to
my home, it would stress my sons out too much. I'm not allowed to
cry or weep, they demand to know why. Not allowed to go out but my
finances put paid to that anyway.
Physical
Abuse- punched and kicked black and blue by my eldest, constant
threats to kill me then kill himself. Waving knife at my face then
my stomach, chased me down stairs then out of house, 4 hour siege
with Garda. Eldest coaching me to say he only waved it about due to
high anxiety to get me to leave him alone or else he would be taken
away. I gave in.
Verbal
Abuse – from both sons. No longer called Mum but called cunt,
whore, wretched whore, a disgrace, weak, no wonder no one likes you,
you'll never find anyone who will love you, there is nothing to love
about you, look at the state of you, are you going out looking like
that, how did you ever manage to have kids, why did you not abort
us, we always know what you're thinking, if you get anyone in this
house you'll be dead, do you want a hard slap in the face, do you
want me to really hurt you, do you want your head punched off your
shoulders.
Blackmail-
If you don't go and get me (this that or the other) I may as well be
dead, I'll cut my wrists, I'll hang myself, I'll drown myself, I'll
overdose. If outside, do not sing, do not whistle, do not talk to
anyone, do not talk to me, do not draw any attention to us
whatsoever or you will be sorry when we get back.
Going
thry my divorce alone painful. Giving birth to children painful. Son
diagnosed with many things painful. No help or supports, very
painful. Youngest diagnosed with Autism, heartbreaking. Being left
alone with no one to talk to about it, mentally destroying. No help
with sons is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. To
have my youngest then self harm and I'm screaming for help for him
but none came- I lost my baby, it's apparently “all that evil cunt
bitches fault” it tore my soul apart, I was closest to him than
any other person, it feels like a death but I cannot grieve, how do
you grieve with no body to grieve over.
No
one will ever know how even trying to breath in a strangled
atmosphere in the house feels like, the fear and tension that's like
a cloak,the cat and mouse game of avoidance. Yes I want to die
because I have nothing to live for”
My
eldest left more empty pizza boxes in the kitchen. I go out every
day and buy shopping and he doesn't touch it. He's just spiteful.
I
took my dog to the park, R sent me a text asking if I had somewhere
to go to if I didn't feel safe. I replied my eldest wouldn't put a
foot wrong now that he's linked in with Gheel, he would never want
them to see the real him but I would call 999 if he started anything
at all.
I
think my eldest must be on medication because I heard him speak
nicely to my dog. It would be an absolute scandal if he's on
medication after all the overdoses he's taken and all he's said
about wanting to die. What the fuck are Gheel playing at if he's got
new meds because only I will face any backlash courage that
medication gives him. He has repeatedly said he wants to die because
there's no cure for Autism and I have told Darragh and I have told
Patrick this and read tham all my son wrote in his copy book “I
hope it does not hurt”. They are useless bastards.
Going
thru all old court paperwork to hand shred. I found my eldests hand
written letter that ordered me to take three sleeping tablets per
day back in the refuge house (when I ended up head butting a tree)
or he would get ME sectioned. I scanned it and sent it to R. I'm
shocked I still have that. I should have let the refuge evict him
and put an end to this years ago, what an idiot I've been to let
both my sons control and manipulate me so much.
I
went to bed at 8.40pm. Guilt, worry and fear are creeping in me for
my eldest. I'm not allowing that to happen, it's what has kept me
trapped all these years. He has made his proverbial bed and trampled
all over it and all over me.
My
pyjama drawer has been gone thru in my bedroom FFS.
12th
July
Had
an awful nights sleep, my room was like a sauna, the heating had
been put on. I've not heard a sound out of him since I went to bed
at 8.40pm last night. I couldn't get that suicide website out of my
head and that evil bitch E requesting a suicide partner in Europe,
why the fuck would someone do such an evil thing. I haven't heard
him typing at all for the past few days now. I did try and explain
to him on 28th
of last month that he's probably not the only man she's talking to
because she was asking men for their email addy's, he told me “shut
the fuck up” when I said that to him.
I
got up at 3.50am, I have a bad stomach, I heard him move about at
4.30am and by 4.50am he was typing.
Got
the 11.30am bus to Tesco. I saw the lovely local young lad sitting
in the park with his head down. I went over to him and he told me
his dad passed away this morning, he was only 51 years old. I gave
the lad a hug and chatted to him. I hope his dad was proud of him,
he's a lovely young man. He said he and his siblings are taking
their mum away on a holiday to help her. She has wonderful children.
My
friend rang. All I did was cry and I was in the street. I just got
in the house with the shopping and he's had another pizza delivery,
I cannot believe what he's paying for them. I sat in the back garden
throwing my dogs ball about, it's roasting hot, all the neighbours
are out in their gardens having BBQ's, beers and wine's are being
offered around, lots of laughter. It only emphasised my total
isolation and loneliness.
13
days now of no communication with my eldest. I need to stop myself
from thinking. All my head is doing is repeating, about his mood
swings, of all the abuse he's ever thrown my way, how he held me
practically hostage when high as a kite, how he told me all that was
wrong with me, all that I was not and would never be, all I failed
at, the control, the fear, the talk of suicide, the times he's
overdosed, the telling me what I should be watching and should be
reading, should be eating. I need to stop thinking.
Even
little kids are still out on the street at 8.30pm and I'm ready for
bed to try and get another day of my life over and done with. What
in gods name have I become. I have not heard his phone vibrate or
heard him on the phone to anyone and no one has been to the door for
him, so fuck knows how Gheel are “supporting him” He is fucked
having them as support. They get paid, he's a service user, they are
not his friend and he will find that out. They will not defend him,
fight for him, they will not love him.
13th
July
I
slept like a log thanks to a sleeping tablet, it's so hot I just had
a sheet over me. Got up at 6.30am, my eldest was up at 8am, all he
is eating is re heated pizza, but I still go out and get what I
always buy for him because no way will he be able to say he's
spending all his money on pizza because I'm not feeding him. I do
know he'll go mental if he goes up to 18 stone again, look what
happened then, I got attacked for that.
I
am so lonely for adult company.
I
checked his room when he was in the bath, another pizza box in his
room costing €46 this time, he's a disgrace. A box of Lyrica meds
are on his desk, I'm furious and in panic mode, the last time he was
on these in 2010 he said “they make me feel suicidal” I googled
them, it said “changes for care givers to pay heed to are self
harming, suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, restlessness,
trouble sleeping, panic attacks, agitation, aggression, dangerous
impulses or violence” Those idiots, those fucking idiots, all the
above are how he is without medication. I'm in serious trouble if
these meds cause any of the above to erupt in him, serious trouble.
Why the fuck has a Professor, a so called Autism expert given a
suicidal man who has recently taken two overdoses that I know of,
meds like these, he has taken anxiety meds for years and they did
not work and he's still in the same position he's always been in so
why do the fucking so called experts not realise this and think of
something else or is that too much trouble for them. He has a proven
track record of abuse and his hatred of me so what are these inept
bastards thinking of by giving him these and leaving him under my
roof and NOT informing me so I can fucking take steps to protect
myself just in case. They cannot be serious.
I
locked myself in my room at 9.20pm with a bucket in case I have to
pee, I'm taking no chances of coming face to face with him.
14th
July
Rang
GP for an appointment, he's not back yet.
Text
from that idiot Darragh at 3.34pm “Hi Anne, how are you” I
didn't bother replying, I would have given him both barrels if I
did, I never could keep my mouth shut. I'm still waiting on a reply
to all the questions I emailed him about.
I
can feel myself shutting down, no help is in sight, no one cares. I
sent the Cross care lady a text saying “I'm desperate” All I do
is cry, I am sinking.
17th
July
Up
at 5.30am. I'm going to the doctor, I need help.
Bus
at 9am.
I
had a long wait at the doctors, he said “I got your email when I
was in Florida” I said “how lovely for you” He said “I read
it whilst in Universal Studio's actually” I said “how wonderful
for you” He said “are you here about your youngest” I said
“how can it be about my youngest when he's gone” I said “my
eldest met you for the first time and my email to you explained it
all” I asked him about “the Lyrica he's been put on” he said
“I believe it's your eldests innate personality to have suicide
tendencies” I said “so why the hell has someone with that
personality been prescribed meds like that” he asked me “who
prescribed them” I said “most probably Professor Fitzgerald”
he said “it's the Professors job to keep a check on him” I said
“no bugger is keeping a check on him” I showed him the empty
packets of meds he overdosed on, he said “I will never prescribe
him anything that he can overdose on again” He read out from his
computer all he was reading online about Lyrica. I told him “I'm
sick of all the bullshitting I've had from all of you and told him
what I intended to do, he asked me “do you need to associate with
your son at all in the house” I told him “you haven't a bloody
clue what living in my house is like for me and you should do
because you know the whole history” he said “make sure you keep
in contact with R” so I assume he got a letter from her.
At
4.27pm R rang me and I told her about my conversation with the Dr. I
told her I'm sending my eldest an email.
18th
July
It's
6am and I do not want to get up but I've never been one for lying in
bed once I'm awake. Went to Tesco at 9am. My charity buddy rang me
as I was paying bills, he was on the phone for an hour. Then N at
Cross care rang me to tell me he sent me an email. Got home and my
eldest was dressed, I haven't seen any of his washing in over a week
now. I sent N a reply email, I heard my eldest on his phone for
mere seconds then on his computer typing.
At
6.45pm, he had another pizza delivered, I cannot believe it, he told
the bloke “keep the change” I know he only has €50 notes. I'm
out every day getting what he would normally eat and I'm paying for
a cab to get the shopping home and he's fucking munching on pizza's.
That
is just ridiculous.
19th
July
Woke
up 3.30am, had to go to Galway as a rep for the charity with T and
P. Long day, I got ill with the heat and what I ate whilst there,
also had a bad attack of facial neuralgia. I didn't get back till
9.23pm completely exhausted and ill. My poor dog had no water and
hadn't been fed and neither had the cats, it's just as well I fed
them before I went out at 8am. Shame on him not making sure my dog
had water, it's been 30 degrees today.
Email
to Friend
“Hi
Friend, Hope all well your end. I spent all day in Galway yesterday
as a rep for the charity, lovely people and was roasting hot, did
not get home till 9.30pm, was wrecked. I went to Dr, useless man
that he is, I repeatedly told him I will end up in the Liffey, lot
of humming and hawing from him, he ends up saying to me "can't
you just not associate with him in the house" I took the head
of him, he told me he got my email whilst he was in Florida, in
Universal Studios at the time, how lovely for you said I. He said
he won't allow my eldest any more medication and that Lyrica is not
all bad. Foolish man. I'm still buying shopping and my eldest is
still buying pizza's, no idea if Gheel are in touch with him as he's
not once left the house since I screamed at Darragh to get in it to
see him. I just hope I am mentally strong enough to cope with what
I'm doing”
20th
July
I'm
not feeling well today at all. I've got the runs, I've got a
temperature and my neuralgia in my face and head is really bad. I
had to throw out what eldest is not eating in the way of shopping I
buy him. All he's doing is eating pizza but he is drinking the juice
I buy him. I wish he would just leave. So much for Darragh saying
he's “working on the issue” I'm sick of his bullshitting, they
will continue with the status quo but I'm not having it, I've been
told the same old shit for years now.
21st July
Email
to my eldest:
“You
have 6 weeks from today’s date of 21st
July
to get yourself into your own accommodation, I am sure Gheel will do
all they can to help you as they kept promising since January 2010
and more recently you were promised by Darragh that they would not
leave you homeless. Failing this your father
now has a two bedroom cottage so you could go and live with him,
give him a fraction of the abuse you gave me, I have not known one
day of peace since I stepped back on Irish soil for you in 2006
despite your refusal to leave Ireland, thanks for that. I am in the
process of changing my Carers Allowance to Job Seekers, I get €16
more than those on job seekers to live this life so it will be no
hardship to gain my life back and live in peace and privacy and not
as a nervous wreck any more. I have informed my Doctor and the
Carers people and have previously informed Darragh, I suggest you
now inform Gheel yourself. I will no longer communicate with them on
your behalf. I know how you and Darragh both spoke regards me. You
have the dentist on 3rd
of
August, arrange your own escort and transport or contact Gheel. Do
not for one minute think that I will not have you removed from my
house on 1st
September
2013. I will engage the Garda to remove you if I have to. You
are 21 years old, take responsibility for your own life, your own
actions and leave my house and me the hell alone in peace. You have
brains to burn and know everything but did nothing to help yourself
with any professional, you wore me out fighting for services on your
behalf then refused to engage when I had done so yet left it always
to me to let whatever agency know. You have for your own reasons
ensured I had a life of hell. You
have assaulted me, chased me out of a women’s refuge housing with
a 20 inch carving knife, had me at your beck and call for years,
sent me horrendous emails of what you think of me and how you would
like me to die, called me dreadful names to my face, asked me many
times if I would like a hard slap, most recently when you overdosed
on 26th
June,
then admitted you had also taken an overdose on 17th
June,
then kept me your captive audience despite being constantly told by
me that I needed to sleep, on a suicide website then talking to some
woman who posted she wanted a suicide partner, preferably in Europe
and you became her friend, you have previously force fed me sleeping
tablets, you changed the password on the internet, you encouraged my
youngest to cut my internet cable “so the bitch can't use it
again” you caused me daily fear as to your moods swings, most
recently you walked down the hall naked and made me feel very uneasy
in my own house, you have gone thru my handbag without my
permission, read my diary, taken my medication, overdosed back in
2008 and warned me “don't give me cause to” when I pleaded with
you to never do so again. Every birthday and
every Xmas no matter what I did to celebrate it saw you shut down
and stop talking and not eat and cause me further isolation and fear
as to what would come next. The list is endless but my patience and
sanity is not so I am done being the only person in your life who
gave a monkey’s about you and suffered the consequences, I was
never your enemy but you sure were mine for whatever reason you
decided. Your
teeth and your weight gain were also apparently my fault, you sent
me emails telling me so with your own unique language reserved for
only me and now in a mere 16 days you have ordered and had delivered
7 pizza's at a cost of almost €266.65 not including the cost of
the one you had delivered today at 2pm, despite me shopping on
Wednesday’s and Thursday’s and the freezer full, all I ever buy
is what you eat. You only began cooking for yourself the third week
of February this year after your 21st
birthday.
Three bags of the clothes you wore when overweight went to charity
at your behest only last month and now you have no clothes to wear
and no money to buy any because you are buying pizza’s and telling
the delivery man to keep the change, I know you only have €50
notes as that is what I hand you on Wednesday’s. I
am not waiting for your weight to sky rocket and attack me again.
When I showed you the bruises you put on my body, my arm and behind
my knee which the refuge staff saw and took photographs and the
doctor also saw, did you apologise? No, you asked me “And what did
you do to deserve that then” I deserve better than this. I am
having no more of your moods, control, abuse, lies, bullying, I
would have thought the DVD's I gave you would have shocked you into
realising how you are to me, how you speak to me and how you change
from one minute to the next, they did not and I no longer care. I
could have had a relationship for myself but did not due to not
wanting to put you thru any more
stress
after your father, now I am too old to do so and I trust no one, why
would I when my own sons had no respect or love for me. I
should have had you arrested and gone when you assaulted me, not an
ounce of respect or gratitude or love have you ever given me once in
7 years and now it is too late. I do not want you living in my
house. I am a wreck both mentally and physically. I do not want any
more fear re your threats of suicide, you have terrorised me in my
first permanent home the past 3 years, and I hope you are proud of
yourself. I assume Gheel is in contact by email, phone and text,
make sure you get them to help you now, it is strange that you have
not once been out since you went to the Professor and no one
has been near you. I hope they help you now”
Pizza
delivery for him at 2pm, two large pizza's plus all the usual
extras. They must love delivering to him with the huge tips he's
giving them.
22nd
July
Email
to N at Crosscare
“Dear
N, All is quiet here and I have made a decision re my home, I lost
my family home when I left the ex and left with nothing and got
nothing when I divorced in May, I am not going to go thru the same
thing again here. I last night emailed my eldest and have given him
six weeks to find other accommodation and ask Gheel to help. He has
not replied nor spoken but I have contacted the women’s refuge,
for support if needed”
23rd
July
The
new women's refuge worker rang me, she wants to meet me at 2pm on
Friday.
24th
July
9am
bus to Tesco. I asked at the post office if my son can collect his
own money from now on. I got told no because they have never seen
him and he doesn't have ID.
I
am hanging on by the tiniest of threads.
N
from Crosscare sent me an email after I sent him a copy of the email
I sent to my eldest.
He
said I don't need to give my eldest any notice at all and could just
put him out because it's my house. I said I know but I would not do
that, he's still my son, no matter what he thinks of me. He's spoken
to Darragh Byrne who said “I agree that eldest co habiting with
mum has come to an end and I'm going to help him get on the housing
list and help him to find accommodation” I said that's rubbish
because I asked Darragh Byrne many times to get the housing place
kick started and he did nothing and I have the emails to prove it
and the housing forms were filled in last January. N said he will
make sure my eldest gets housing and he will work till he gets it
for him.
At
4.20pm Darragh Byrne was at my door. I knew if I went near him I
would knock his fucking lights out because that's now what I feel
about him, he handed my eldest medication, eldest was on the stairs
waiting for him, he gave him one month supply of Lyrica and told him
“it's double the dose of the last lot so take only one at night”
then asked him “any communication with Anne” I was fuming, I am
not Anne to my son I am his fucking mother. My eldest said “no”
he was told again “take one tablet at night My son has never
listened to anyone regards medication and only I am here to deal
with any meds potential fall out.
I
rang 1 Life Suicide Prevention, the lovely lady I spoke to said “it
is crazy they are just handing him medication if he recently
overdosed 3 weeks ago”
25th
July
I
heard my eldest awake at 7.30am, he was awake till after midnight.
In my mind I thought he'd have swallowed all the meds he had so I've
been terrorising myself. I'm having electric like shocks running
thru my body. I sent N of Cross care a text asking her who could
give me support because I'm falling apart, she replied she can, so I
can go to town and see her at 2pm.
I
went to see N. I'd not seen her in person for ages. She said “I'm
worried about you, I've known you for years, I can see the stress
written all over your face, I don't know if you can last another
weekend in the house given the situation never mind the 6 weeks you
have given eldest to leave” She asked “do you think that
Darragh will have done anything at all about housing for your
eldest” I said “I doubt it given the history” She said “what
your living with and have been for many years now is Domestic
Violence” I said “I know, the refuge told me that in 2010”
she said “I'm sorry to see such a strong woman with the life
drained out of you” she said “I will keep in touch with you”
I let her read the get out of my house email that I sent to my
eldest, she said “it's disturbing all he has done” She asked me
to get the woman I'm seeing at the refuge tomorrow to ring her once
my meeting is over.. I do feel bit better because I had actual face
to face support.
27th
July
I
heard my eldest down stairs at 8am. I stayed in my bedroom till he
came back up. N from Cross care is chasing up Darragh Byrne this
evening to make sure all is being done to get my eldest his own
place. My nerves are absolutely frayed, there will be no winners out
of all this. Why was he so stupid to have done all he did to his
mother. I know I'm going to be left destroyed no matter what the
outcome. I know I could have been Mother Bloody Theresa and it still
would not have changed how my boys hurt me and I practically was
Mother Bloody Theresa, no sex life, no social life, no work life in
all these years and no thanks either.
I
met the lady at the women's refuge, a nice girl, she'd read my file
and said “it's shocking” She said “plain and simple it's all
abuse, no excuses re the boys having Aspergers and having done and
said all they have to you for years” She told me “I can see
what a nervous wreck you are and I'm worried about your mental
health, would you move into the refuge till your eldest moves out
but you will have to share with another single woman” I said “I
cant because my animals will be neglected and I know my eldest will
not open the door to anyone once he realises I've moved out” She
wanted me to “go and get another Protection Order against him” I
said “I can't because I had one before but couldn't follow thru
with it because of his agoraphobia and he's not doing or saying
anything to me at all so I would have nothing to tell a judge”
she said “with his recent suicide attempts and the history and the
record at the Garda station it's still all abuse and control” I
said “I'm doing nothing to fire him up and make him think he's
nothing left to lose” She said “you cannot continue to live with
all this kind of fear, of what he might do to himself or to you” I
told her “I have done so for years and the end is in sight” She
said “I will contact all agencies who have been involved and will
refer you to Pieta House for extra support” she assured me
“you're not mad or insane, all I see is a woman who's been worn
down and mentally exhausted by how you've had to live” She said
“the boys Autism has not in any way caused how they are with you,
it's learned behaviour and not one thing to do with how they've had
to live, how they've been raised, no matter how you raised them
they would have still turned out the same” She said “it's not
surprising your mental health is now so fragile after years and
years of abuse and control that started with your ex, you've had 23
years of living this way and it's taken it's toll on you” I told
her how angry I am at Gheel and at Darragh Byrne and at every
fucking professional to date and about Darragh Byrne delivering meds
to my son at the house and I was not informed and how he acted when
he was last on these meds in 2010 and what affects these meds can
have on anyone. I showed her the words in the Mothers Day card that
my youngest had written me. I asked her “how could he have gone
from writing those beautiful and heartfelt words to how he became
and how he still is with his awful writings about me online” She
said “it's not what others think of you but what you think of
yourself that counts, I will be with you every step of the way and
all you need is support now” I said “if I'd been given it from
Gheel then I would never have got like this” She said “I will
ring Darragh Byrne and your GP” I didn't ask why.
I
had a long walk to the bus stop in a thunderstorm. I got soaked. I
just got in the house and my phone rang, it was Pieta House giving
me an appointment for an assessment with them in Lucan on Tuesday. I
was asked my next of kin and I do not have one because my eldest was
always down as my next of kin. The old me who had many friends, who
was so popular now has no one at all. That woman I used to be is
long gone and will never return. My sons saw to that. The lady told
me “you're not alone now, we will see you on Tuesday” The song
“Wish you were here” came on the radio. I turned it up loud and
sat on the kitchen worktop and cried my eyes out. I went to bed at
9pm.
27th
July
I
had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Eldest was down in the
kitchen at 7.30am, I stayed in my room till he went back to his
bedroom. I don't know if all these people who are contacting Darragh
Byrne means that Darragh is also informing my eldest of who I'm
talking to, Darragh has proved there is nothing professional about
him after coming into my house and talking to my eldest as if he was
his mate and my son was too thick to realise that Darragh gets paid
to do what he does.
When
I went down stairs, he had put in the fridge two giant pizza's, two
garlic breads, cookies and bottles of juice, this is catastrophic
for his weight.
I
ended up howling with rage, anger, pity, self pity, frustration and
fear thinking of all the emails, the texts, the phone calls I've
made to Gheel since 2009, all my trying but failing to get both my
sons help, the help that they both needed and deserved. All those
lying bastard professionals since 2006 and the end result was losing
my youngest and I know that my eldest will kill himself eventually
and everyone knows because I've told them all and he has a history
of it. Fuck me he took two overdoses a few weeks ago and what did
anyone do, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.
It
made me cry re reading Dr Shah's report and immediate
recommendations, if they had been implemented as I was told they
must be by Irish Autism Action and Autism Support when we were in
another County maybe life would have been better and happier for us
all. I cried re reading all my letters to the school about the
bullying of my youngest and his Autism report. I truly did try
everything I could to protect him then help him. I miss him so much
but I know the child I gave birth to and loved all his life no
longer exists. I do not know who he is now.
Took
my dog to the park and rang the Dogs Trust in case I do have to stay
in the Refuge, I got told by a lovely woman that they cannot take
her because she growls at the cats if they go near her food and she
growls at dogs when they walk past us. She said the dog is not safe
and I should talk to the vet about the best thing to do. I know she
means get her put down. Which I will never do because she is so
friendly with children and people. The poor dog is so highly strung
at the minute due to the atmosphere in this house, the dog is just
like me because I am so highly strung too.
28th
July
I've
woken up as angry as hell. 23 years of my life flashed before my
eyes, at the prick I married who was mentally ill and all his family
knew it and not one of them told me, not one of them warned me, only
Aunty recently filled me in about him prior to me meeting and
marrying him and she apologised. All the pain, the anguish, the
mental and cruel torture he put me thru. All that I've done and
given my boys all these years. I gave my all to them but where did
that get me. Three men took a strong and happy woman, full of life
and energy, friendly, chatty, sharing and caring and slowly
strangled it all out of me. I thought their father was bad but what
they did was worse because they're my flesh and blood, they were
made in love and pushed out of my body by me alone, the love you
feel for a man is nothing compared to the love a mother has for her
children. Why is all their hatred for me. I was the provider. I was
the one who loved them, cared for them, raised them, fed and clothed
them, why did they not go and make their fathers life hell, he is
the psychopath, not me. I did nothing wrong.
I
sent all relevant documents to both N at Cross care and the Refuge
for safe keeping.
29th
July
I'm
shaking like a leaf internally. I have no control over it. The lady
rang me from the refuge and when I told her that I can't stop
shaking, she said “I want to do a risk assessment for you with one
of our staff. I want it recorded just in case and it will open your
eyes to the reality of what you've been living with” I took my dog
out. When I got back my eldest had emptied the fridge of a lot of
food, obviously now out of date because he's not touched anything
I've bought every day for him, what a waste. He's probably trying to
get some kind of reaction out of me but it's not going to happen.
30th
July
Four
weeks since I've spoken to my eldest. I have tho sent him two texts
which he just ignored. I got the 8.30am bus to town then to Lucan to
Pieta House. I was told “you're burnt out and need support and we
will provide it and “you have been let down by so many
professionals it's no wonder you don't trust them and I would be on
the floor too if it was me living as you've had to live the past 7
years”
Three
large empty pizza boxes were in the hall, if he no longer cares
about his weight, I am doomed.
I
met the lady at the refuge, she said “I found a place that may be
able to help eldest called Nua Health Care, they do housing and
supports. I nearly fell off the chair I was sitting on and had to
tell her the history of all I did to get my eldest into Nua Health
Care and the lying Consultant Psychiatrist Dom McDwyer who said he
would give his 100% support then lied about it and I only found out
why in 2009 in the Freedom of Info files from another County because
his boss asked him who'd told me about such an expensive place and
that is when all my fighting actually began. She said “we will
push for this place to help him because of the mental health risk
you're now in” I said “he will kill himself because he will not
go” she said “that's emotional blackmail and he won't get the
chance to because he'll be looked after at all times there” She
said “I don't want you to engage with him in any way because with
bullying and dominating people even saying hello can trigger them”
she said “you need to look after you now and there has been a
terrible lack of follow thru with Gheel to your whole family” She
will keep me in the loop and M will be doing the risk assessment.
My
risk assessment score was 22. I was told “that score is the
highest risk” There was a lot of talk about how to take care of
me and my safety, it all seemed unreal to me, this is my son, that
baby I had in my arms, how the fuck could this all end like this. I
kept saying to her, “he's not really like that you know” She
said “do you always make excuses for abusive behaviour that comes
your way” She said she's going to “fax the Garda” I said
“why in gods name would you do that” she said “every time we
do a risk assessment and the score is high then we have to put the
Garda on notice about it” I feel more scared than ever now.
Went
to Tesco, got soaked and missed the bus, I walked home. A large
pizza delivery for him. I was putting the shopping away when I heard
his bedroom door slam a couple of times in quick succession. My dog
was going nuts about the noise. All then went quiet. I think
someone must have contacted him about something. I was shaking like
a leaf. I went into my room and locked my door and sent N from Cross
care and my friend an email. N called me right away and said “I've
spoken to Marguerite” I don't know who that is, she said this
person is going to call Darragh Byrne. I was stupefied, I have no
recollection of the rest of my conversation with N.
I
took my dog out and rang Domino Pizza. I asked how many pizza's have
been delivered to my house the past three weeks, I was told 17 large
pizza's, garlic bread, cookies and juice, all costing over €40 per
deal. I felt sick at the amount of money he's spent and the weight
he must be putting on. I know he gives €50 notes and tells who
ever at the door to keep the change like he is Carnegie but Christ
almighty. That is €680 in three weeks.
1st
August
I
have food poisoning because I ate out of date sausage rolls last
night. I have it coming out of both ends and feel as weak as a
newborn kitten.
2nd
August
Up
at 6am, no sign of my eldest being down stairs in the night, my
nerves are shattered living like this. He got up at 7am. I have an
awful feeling of dread in my gut. I have no idea if Gheel are taking
him to the dentist on Saturday, I've sent him two text reminders but
they were just ignored. When I think about what he did to me and all
the abuse I got over his frigging teeth I could scream.
3rd
August
I
am up since 6.30am, he got up at 8am, he had a clean T shirt on so I
thought he would be going to the Orthodontist but he didn't leave
the house. I went to the local shop and got him juice and locked
myself in my room the rest of the day. I just found out it's a bank
holiday weekend, Fuck.
4th
August
Empty
pizza boxes are the kitchen and a €50 note is on the stairs, more
pizza are obviously on there way. I had to throw out of the fridge 3
packets of cold meat, yoghurt’s, yoghurt drinks, 3 packets of cold
chicken pieces. I am disgusted. At 1.08pm the door knocks, I heard
the man say 2 large pizza's 3 garlic bread and 2 bottles juice €41
please, my eldest told the man “keep the change” the man said
“are you sure because the delivery is paid for in the cost” my
eldest said “yeah I'm sure” the man said thank you. That is a €9
tip he has just given FFS.
5th
August
8am
and he's heating up pizza for his breakfast. 10.41am and a lot is
being moved about in his room. I had to get out of the house. Took
my dog a walk. I re read the transcripts of when Darragh Byrne was
in my house and I'm further sickened. He as a professional should
have been helping him re the overdoses my son took and not asking
him “how did it feel” then all his talk about booze “it's your
life, you can do what you like” Yeah like trying to end his
fucking life.
6th
August
Up
at 6.30am, eldest not up till 9.25am, I know he was up in the night
as a baking tray was in the sink. Walked to the bus stop but someone
told me the buses were on strike so I came home.
My
eldest keeps hovering on the stairs, he's making me nervous. I don't
walk about this house any more without my phone in my hand to call
for help quickly.
Email
to Cross care
“Can
I just say N, that I do not think Darragh Byrne is the right person
to be dealing with any of what's going on, he is in his own words
“not a professional or a psychologist” so god knows why I was
given him as my support worker in the first place, he's a nice young
man but has proven he has no real experience. I was transferring my
copy book of his visit and all that was said into my journal last
night and I'm bloody furious that he had the perfect opportunity 9
days after my eldest overdosed three times in one week to get him
real help and support instead of his talk about booze etc.
I
know I sound like a broken record, it's just years and years of
professional cock ups and stupidity that has destroyed me and my
family and I will never get over any of this. There is still no
communication between my eldest and I since 29th June, a long time
now. I don't know if he's getting phone support from Gheel, you
would think they would be in contact with me at least to find out
what's going on or what they're doing, useless gits that they are.
I have Pieta House in Finglas on Thursday at 9am but there may be no
bus service, just have to wait and see. My mood is stable today but
I'm very teary still and absolutely furious at Gheel and every other
professional who failed us, I did write a very abusive letter (
peppered with swear words but all true) and listed all professionals
since another County back in 2006 but I slept on it and deleted it
the next day. I then thought I would buy a big chain and tie myself
to the Four courts but knowing my luck and my bladder I would have
probably peed myself within an hour. I will never be free of this
anger N”
At
4.09pm Darragh Byrne came to the door, he gave my eldest more meds,
and asked for a signature, my eldest asked “is it okay just to
initial it” and he got told “yeah” I went into his room when
he was in the bath, he has 32 Lyrica tablets on his desk and bedside
table, most are 150mgs, a strip of them are 200mgs, what the fuck
are Gheel playing at just handing him medication at the door, no one
is assessing him to see how he's feeling on them nor has he had any
medical care or aftercare after his overdose. For seven plus years
this boy of mine has had medication of every description and he's
still in the house and not going out, do none of them have any
expertise or imagination or fucking sense at all to think nothing
has worked for him so far so lets try something else, Idiots.
Email
to Friend: “Hi Friend,
had quiet weekend, long but quiet. Not heard anything from anyone re
what is going on about son. Bit concerned that Darragh landed at
door after 4pm, gave him more medication, told him he's off next
week, asked him to sign something, son asked could he just initial
it. I went into his room when he was in bath, there are 32 Lyrica
tabs in his room, dose has been increased to 200 mgs, only around 15
of that dose, the rest is 150 mgs per tablet, I'm sick with nerves.
I've googled Lyrica overdose, the only registered amount recorded is
800 mgs. These meds have done nothing for his anxiety as he's not
been out house at all since 5th July, I have a feeling of dread.
More pizza's at weekend, €41 he told man to keep change from €50,
that is 19 pizza's plus garlic bread plus juice plus cookies since
5th July, I don't remember if I told you I rang Dominoes and asked
them how many had been delivered to house. Gheel never listen to me,
how can they possibly think they know him better than I do, they
think they are "experienced" in Autism, they do not know
the man he is and his personality and mindset. I will lose my mind
completely if I find him dead. I have been in calm mood, keeping
busy getting my journals up to date but seeing these meds lying on
his desk has my nerves shattered. If I do not hear from anyone
tomorrow then I am camping out at Sinn Fein office or the Four
Courts as this is just bloody ridiculous”
7th
August
I
woke up more tired than when I went to sleep, I cannot make myself
move at all today. No sound from my eldests room. Seeing all those
meds he has in his room makes me feel he is going to take them all.
Rang
the Refuge, spoke to T, she said “ring Pieta House, it's just
ridiculous an agency is handing meds to a man who's attempted
suicide and no GP is involved nor his health being checked by
anyone.
Tesco,
collected his money and put on worktop.
T
from the Refuge rang me, she said “if you're the carer and the
mother you should be informed” I said not “according to Darragh
Byrne who told me my son does not want me to know anything” she
said “that is just crazy as he's under your roof and not this
Darragh's roof” She said “call your GP” I said “the GP
knows, I went up to him to asked him about these meds” She asked
“who prescribed them” I said “a Professor who's only met him
once and most probably only for a few minutes” She said “it all
sounds crazy, phone Pieta House”
N
from Crosscare rang me, she said “N still hasn't got a hold of
Darragh Byrne yet and that is now three agencies who have now tried
to get hold of him. I asked her “what happens now” she said
“it's up to Darragh what he does with the information he's getting
but it's now all on record” I told her about him coming to my
door and just handing my eldest medication, she said “that's not
right at all” I can go and see her at 2pm on Friday.
I
went for a sleep, I'm still having awful shock like tremors go thru
my body, I know it is just stress but it's scary.
9th
August
“N
will work doggedly to make sure that Gheel get my eldest proper
supported housing” N said and “you have lived on high alert for
so long and that could no longer be sustained, the boys know what
makes you tick so they knew what buttons to push with you. You have
always had to cope with emergency situations but help from the right
people will help you find Anne again” I wish I could believe
that, but I don't. I left N and got the bus back for firstly
shopping. Irish Autism Action had a stall collecting money from the
public and I lost it again shouting at them “I have two kids with
Autism and you people do sod all for anyone” I must be going mad.
The
slyness of my eldest, he's now put the empty pizza boxes in the bin
in the hall but not before ripping off the prices. So someone has
told Gheel and Gheel have told him.
10th
August
All
my hand written journals are now up to date in my A4 books, I just
have to get them all typed now. My cat is not well and I've no money
to get him to a vet.
11th
August
Out
at 8am locally with my dog. My thoughts are very distracting and I'm
incensed at Gheel doing fuck all about what Consultant Psychiatrist
Dr Canning told everyone around the conference table.
12th
August
I
do not want to be awake. I am suffering desperately and unable to
cope.
13th
August Email to Friend:
“Hi
Friend, hope all good with you. I've run out of energy, I cancelled
Pieta House meeting as I have no energy and don't want counselling
tipping me over the edge I'm staring down. Had no calls from any
one. I have not clapped eyes on my eldest at all, he is now tearing
the price labels off the pizza boxes, no idea who has informed him.
I have not been able to get into his room to check if he's taking
the medication or saving them up as he has his dressing gown over
the door positioned a certain way so would know if I opened the
door. The woman I spoke to last week at Pieta house did say that I
have been let down by so many professionals it is no wonder I don't
trust them and she would be on the floor too if it was her living as
I have had to the past 7 years, that gave me bit of comfort as I
thought I was paranoid. I have written a letter addressed to The
Board of Directors at Gheel (I cannot find individual names online
for them) and sending it by recorded delivery on Thursday along with
all documents related to Gheel since Xmas with my youngest and now
my eldest. Things are not good with me, the reality of the past 11
years I've spent in Ireland has sunk in, all I have lost but the
loss of my youngest has got to be the worst thing that ever happened
to me, I know I have no future because I do not want one now but I'm
getting myself thru each day, god knows how but I am. I have a trip
to Athlone on Friday for the charity”
14th
August
On
10am bus, collected his money, went up to the doctor, he gave me
anti depressants.
The
lady from the Refuge rang me. “I have now spoken to Darragh Byrne,
he speaks very highly of you Anne, very highly, he said finding the
correct accommodation for your eldest is his top priority and the
meds your eldest is on on are to reduce his anxiety and he's eating
pizza because he's too thin but he's very fit so it will do him no
harm” I told her about him being on Lyrica in 2010 and about his
weight gain with eating pizza so I am not happy with the explanation
via Darragh Byrne. “And if “priority” is his aim why the hell
has he not done anything before now as I've been cracking up long
before now” She advised “get yourself surrounded with supports”
Those bloody words again. She said “the fact eldest has been now
and in the past suicidal means he should be under Mental health
Professionals” I said “I know that but no one gives a crap”
She wants a “copy of the report from the refuge you lived in re
the knife incident and I will send it to Gheel and make sure they
have on record just how serious eldests violent behaviour and
Domestic Violent history has been”
She told me “you will alienate all professionals if you keep
recording them” I said “they have alienated me with their lies
and bullshit and I do not give a monkey's any more”
She
said “Darragh Byrne is very worried in case you make your eldest
homeless and put him out on street by September” I said “he's
been waiting on housing for a very long time now and I would never
put him on the streets, he would not last for five seconds on the
streets” She asked me “how will you feel when your eldest
leaves” there was no answer to that really.
Rang
M at the refuge I once lived in. She will have to get the file from
Head Office and will get back to me.
Email
to my friend
“N
from Cross care rang me this morning, she received an email from P
the Pieta House lady that I had cancelled. N will get info from N,
she said he'll keep on at Gheel and ensure they do as they're saying
they are. I went to collect my eldests money and missed my bus so I
popped up to the Dr and asked him about a low dose anti depressant
(Pieta House lady said she advises clients to try) he gave me 5mg so
I will give it a go for 2 weeks. He remembered I don't like use of
anti Depressants, then seemed to be very interested, asking about my
history, I told him all men should be put up against a wall and
shot, he laughed, but he knows I mean it. Just got in and my eldest
is re heating the last of last weeks pizza's. I've not had a good
sleep and I'm out of energy, I feel heavy as the boys used to say
when they weren't well as toddlers”
15th
August
At
1.34pm Darragh Byrne was at my door with medication, he told my
eldest, “same as last week, take 150mg in morning and 250mg at night”
Unbelievable, just handing him meds and no check on his health and
welfare by anyone. That is 400mg a day he's now on. I hope to fuck
he's not saving them up to take them all in one go.
Letter
I sent to Gheels Board of Directors
To
The Board of Directors
Gheel
Autism Services
Ballycurraghan
Maynooth
Co. Kildare
Ireland
Ballycurraghan
Maynooth
Co. Kildare
Ireland
15th
August 2013
Dear
Board of Directors,
Please
take note of my complaint regards your Professionals both in-house
and out-house and your Outreach staff at Fairview Dublin office.
I
require a reply having been ignored by your CEO Peter Byrne since
5th
January 2013 when he failed to reply to my email of complaint
regarding Gheel Autism Services.
I
am enclosing some documentation that is self-explanatory. In short,
the lack of any expertise at all re your staff from your CEO down
has left my family destroyed. The lack of any real support to myself
has almost also destroyed me yet the HSE pay you to provide us with
a service. Through a Parliamentary question I was given the
following answer regards Gheel, “I
wish to advise that the HSE provides €6,661,562 per annum”
To
date, despite all and any requests by email, verbally and by text as
to what my family are entitled to regards any Family Support Plan
and all requests since 2009 for copies of all files both to you and
to the HSE have been ignored. Why?
This
has been going on since 2009, I can provide all dates and full
details of all conversations and all recording made of all meetings
I have attended both in Gheel and in my home.
The
last recording which I am enclosing in transcript form took place in
my house after my son had taken a substantial overdose on 26th
June 2013 I will not go into the full details as the email sent to
my support Darragh Byrne explains all. This was the first time my
son had ever engaged with Darragh Byrne, I hope all your other paid
experts in Autism and Aspergers Syndrome do not speak to their other
service users in the same language. I should also inform you that I
know the law and it is not illegal for me to record anyone who
enters my home.
Four
years have now gone past since I first asked Gheel for their advice,
help and support, I had an extensive report and recommendations that
a renowned UK Autism expert provided in 2008, I personally gave my
original copy to Peter Byrne in 2009 which he took from my house
amongst other documents in my file, copied and I had to chase him to
have all returned, no one did anything about Dr Amitta Shah's report
and recommendations, no higher expert can be found anywhere in the
world yet all she stated came to pass and was ignored by Gheel and
the HSE.
In
2010 after an assault on me by my son followed by him chasing me out
of my house with a 20 inch carving knife and a four hour siege
situation attended by Garda, a riot squad and detectives, Gheel were
asked to attend a conference, both Peter Byrne and Edel Griffin were
there, as my son was already on Gheels files they should have but
did not answer any calls or texts during this crisis. A Consultant
Psychiatrist Dr Canning told all at this meeting that Dr Shah's
Report and recommendations should be looked at and implemented, all
around the table including Peter Byrne declared they had not seen
this report yet I personally gave to him and Carol Doolan in her
office, again I recorded both meetings and can and will provide all
recordings mentioned in this letter on a CD and also transcribed.
Your
mission Statement is clearly flawed as you state “Work in
partnership with families. We acknowledge that families, staff and
services need advice and support outside day centres and
accommodation. As such we can offer advice and support in areas such
as:
- Understanding autism.
- The management of challenging behaviour.
- Understanding challenging behaviour.
- PECS and Communication needs.
- Parents and siblings seminars and workshops.
- PCP seminars and workshops.
- Practical support.
Obviously
I and my family were not provided with these and I would like to
know why your Autism Agency failed us all.
Anne
****
16th
August
Up
at 6.20am, I couldn't believe it, my back door was open wide and my
dog was running about the back garden.
Emailed
my friend
“Hi
Friend, just quick update as I'm off to Athlone soon. I wont be
taking any more anti depressants, made me so ill, headaches, burning
skin and sick as a dog, god help those on a bigger dose than 5mg,
knocked the proverbial out of me yesterday, could not get moving at
all cept housework, lay on the bed at 3pm and fell fast asleep till
7.20pm last night, no shopping done so had to get to Tesco 8.30pm
last night, felt really weird so I'm not taking another one. Had
call from refuge lady on
14th,
she had spoken to Darragh, I thought he was off this week, said he
speaks very highly of you Anne, bloody pity not in front of my son
tho, she said I will alienate all professionals if I keep recording
them, I said they have alienated me with their lies and bull and I
do not give a monkey's. Darragh said finding my eldest' correct
accommodation is his top priority, his meds have been increased to
help him and he is eating junk food as he was too thin but is a very
fit young man. Darragh is very worried in case I make my eldest
homeless and put him out on street by September. The refuge lady
asked how I will feel when my eldest leaves, no answer to that
really. Was going thru 2009 and 2010 journals, I first went to Gheel
April 2009 and gave them my file and Dr Shah report. In 2010 I met
Andy McDonnell in Gheel and told him I need my eldest rehoused
elsewhere as I could not cope with him, that man said these guys are
the most difficult people to live with and was now a crisis and he
was writing to HSE etc, I am bloody incensed as all was then changed
then to sending support worker into house, they really are a shower
of bastards. Darragh landed at my door at 1.34pm with
meds yesterday, told my eldest the same as last week, take 150mg in
morning and 250 mg at night, ok says my eldest and he shut the door,
how the hell can they keep doling out meds and he is not being seen
by any GP. I have it written in my journals he was on these in 2010
and stopped taking “cause they aint fucking working" I am
sending all off to the Ombudsman. N told me she knows another
family who did so re medical matters but I wanted to ask your advice
first, I have written all that was said in the house by Darragh as
he should have remained a professional and not tried to be my
eldests mate when he never had a conversation before with him, I
know I am angry regards how he referred to me but would you in my
shoes (I have nothing to lose or gain by this point) send it of as
part of the documents I have put together, I have no loyalty to
these people, it is the truth and he should not be going into
anyone's house and talking like that, if he is supposed to be a
professional he should bloody act like one. Gheel have messed around
with the wrong person, I hold them responsible for the state my
family is now in. Weird that I came downstairs at 6am this morning
and my back door was wide open, I know I locked it when I
went to bed, my eldest must have let my dog out in early hours and
forgot. Still feel banjaxed by those awful tablets so hope today
goes fast in Athlone, I have no energy but the company will be great
and a tonic”
16th
August
Train
to Athlone with the the charity. We were early and walked around the
castle and I got so upset. I was bawling my eyes out. I was
transported back to 2004 when we brought my boys to surprise the
kids from their old school who went to Athlone for the day on a
school trip. I could still see in my minds eye us hiding to jump
out to surprise the school kids as they got off their bus and only
C, my lovely friend and old neighbour knew we would be there. Every
second of every minute of that day in 2004 replayed in my head, it
even felt like I could reach out and touch my boys and their old
school mates. Nobody, including T, knew what to do with me. I am
truly falling apart.
17th
August
Got
in a panic as I hadn't heard a sound out of eldest since I got back
at 6pm last night, his computer server is shut down too. My dog was
barking at his bedroom door, that put the fear of god in me because
my dog has never done that before, he got up at 8am, I was shaking
with nerves.
19th
August
Have
a bad throat, it feels like broken glass when I swallow. Posted
documents to Gheel Board of Directors and to The Office of The
Ombudsman.
At
12.29pm eldest was hovering on the stairs. At 1pm he was still
there, I felt trapped in the living room, I don't know what's going
on. At 1.10pm a pizza delivery arrives, he told the man to keep the
change.
20th
August
Eldest
was on his computer at 6.30am, he put 3 and a half giant pizza's in
the fridge, he must have given the delivery man €100 and told him
to keep the change FFS.
N
from Cross care rang “a place has been found for eldest” She said
“I realise all the non stop daily stress you've had to live with
and the last time I spoke to you I could still hear some fight in
your voice but I can't hear any in you now” She wants to see me
tomorrow.
Email
to N of Cross care
“Thanks
N, I feel no use to man nor beast at the moment, been ill with those
anti Depressants so stopped taking them. I doubt anyone can now help
me. I do not even care if my eldest kills me, would be a relief to
be honest. I'm not buying him any more food shopping except juice,
it's just getting chucked out once the sell by date has been reached,
he has 3 giant pizza's sitting in fridge that were delivered
yesterday. Appreciate all your support the past few years and R and N
support too”
21st August
Eldest
was awake at 4am, he was re heating pizza at 6am. He's moving a lot
of things about in his room. I emptied 4 boxes and put them outside
his room for him and a large holdall, why are Gheel not supplying him
with any boxes or helping him pack up. I packed towels, flannels,
shampoo, conditioner and left them at bottom of the stairs for him.
My nerves are gone and my heart is fucking broken, I'm shaking inside
and out and my sore throat has turned into head cold and is now on my
chest. I'm just a vulnerable weak wreck.
Tesco
on the 9am bus, I picked my eldest up some loo roll, toothpaste and
soap and put in the bag of towels etc at the bottom of the stairs. I
heard him on phone saying to someone “are you coming now”
On
11am bus to meet N and all I did was
cry. N said “you no longer have any inner protection” I spent
two hours with N. How weird that you start doing things unconsciously that you never realised you did before. Whenever I cried when I was
with N, I was slapping my mouth in an attempt to stop crying and stop
audible sobs escaping my lips. Is that my unconscious brain telling
me to shut my mouth. Maybe if I had shut my mouth all these years
none of this would have happened at all.
Gheel
have not provided one box for my eldest to pack his belongings into.
22nd
August
Email
to my friend:
Hi
Friend, I met N, at Tesco Café today. Heard my eldest awake since
4am and reheating one of 4 pizza deliveries in one day at 6am this
morning, then he was busy moving stuff about in his room. I left two
empty boxes and a holdall outside his door and they are gone so he
must have been given the news that he's moving. When I met N, she
said yes but she still has to find out the day and the time to make
sure and if I don't want to be in house I've to get myself out whilst
it's going on, she said it's next Wednesday but no time as yet. My
face is destroyed with crying and a head cold now on my chest, so not
in good form at all, if I could switch my brain off and not have
memories of boys as kids running round my brain as it's torturing me
then I'm sure I would be fine. Thought I had
found my Actifed
to clear up all these running orifices, silly bugger, it was sleeping
tablet I took by mistake so sitting here feeling like a drunk woman.
N will find out if the Pieta House lady knows of any decent
counsellors in my area for support as I'm in no state to travel in
public looking like I do, just keep crying, N said I no longer have
my inner protection, I don't know what that means, think must be to
do with all the weeping, she will meet me next Wednesday. I know this
has to be done firstly for my eldest and secondly for me but thought
my heart could not be any more broke after my youngest, I was wrong,
my youngest has bit of a gob on him where my eldest will just sink
and say nothing to any professional. No response from Gheel re all
those documents and no response from Ombudsman, N said they will work
on it as it's years of fighting for services and they have to answer.
I'm sticking to thinking on an hour by hour basis as I could go
insane if think about next week, not going to be easy at all, I am
dreading it”
I
received a lovely email from one of the support workers from the
refuge we once lived in:
“Hi
Anne, I am sorry to hear how
difficult it has been for you in the last while, it sounds like you
have been dealing & coping with a lot of stress and pressure on
an almost continuous bases. I know it's an easy thing for me to say
as I'm not in the situation and I haven't lived your life, but you
need time and some space for you, to reflect on where things are at.
It will be difficult over the next few months but maybe time will
allow your eldest to see that his behaviour has been inappropriate
and that you have always been there to support and care for both him
and his brother. You can only be responsible for you now and you need
to look after yourself. Keep linking in with your supports, your
friends, other services, you're a very strong lady, you've had to
deal with situations that a lot of people would never think could
happen. If there is anything we can do to be of any support, please
do not hesitate to contact us, I will be in touch, take care of
yourself”
I
have been truly blessed with the good, decent people I have met in this country.
All
of my eldest bedding including his duvet is on the floor outside of
his bedroom door. I got it all washed and put outside his door but he
hasn't touched it. The stupid boy would rather sleep on a bare
mattress with just his dressing gown on for heat and he's not moving
out for another week.
23rd
August
My
asthma is really bad, I cannot catch my breath and cannot stop
coughing. I went to the doctor at 9am, only the receptionist was
there, no doctor, she took one look at me and rang the Dr “Anne is
in a very bad way with her breathing” I was given a prescription
for steroids and inhalers. My friend rang me then sent me a text in
the afternoon to see if I was okay. I cannot stop crying.
24th
August
Up
at 5am, had terrible night with non stop coughing, I knew I needed to
go to the hospital.
At
the hospital I was seen within 10 minutes. A nurse told me “you
will be kept in as soon as we have a bed free” I said “I'm not
staying” I was put on a nebuliser and a miserable looking man did
all bloods, he did the gas exchange one that was such a dreadful
experience in another County but this time I didn't feel a thing. My
X ray were clear. The bloods man thinks it's a sinus infection
causing my coughing that started a “chain reaction” the nurse
said it's “infected asthma” I've never heard of that before and
I've also pulled muscle in left side of my ribs at the back due to
all the coughing I've done. They let me out after 4 hours. Went home
and went to bed, my inner arm is black and blue from the needle that
I'd told the blood bloke was hurting me. I cannot stop crying.
26th
August
Email
to N of Cross care:
Hi
N, I am ill, asthma attacked with a vengeance, not had anything like
it since 2008, had steroids from doctor on Friday and had to go to
hospital yesterday, got all clear re bloods and chest x ray but
coughing fits so bad I'm retching, the nebuliser at the hospital did
help so I will see if I can borrow one from Dr today. N emailed to
say that my eldest will be moving between 10am and 2pm on Wednesday
so I'm just going to stay locked in my bedroom till he has left. I do
not want to be wandering the street from 9.45am in an emotional state
about him and being ill too. I do not understand how Gheel have not
provided any packing boxes, nor officially informed the only person
on the planet who loves him and cared for him all his life. I am
absolutely furious about them, I told my friend on Friday I want to
go and smash in all their windows in their Fairview office and punch
the face of their useless, spineless CEO Peter Byrne, I would gladly
get arrested and then go straight to all news media, I have nothing
to lose and all parents in this country should know what these
inept idiots are doing and not doing yet getting paid so much money
from tax payers. I've got my eldest a couple of boxes and a few bags
too, I don't even know where he's going. I gave him back his social
welfare card but he has no ID, Darragh Byrne was supposed to help him
achieve this on 5th July, nothing has come thru the post for him so
how is he going to collect his own money and live, no post office
will allow him to collect as he cannot prove who he is. I am going to
explode N”
27th
August
Email
reply to Friend:
“Hi
Friend, thanks for the good advice, unfortunately and at this stage
he would not be in any position to hear anything from me, it would
only aggravate him and I would be very fearful of causing any
eruption at all. I have sent him texts whilst out at shops since June
29th in attempt to open lines of communication by simply asking what
he needed, if he wanted anything and all were ignored, all shopping I
have bought has been binned as he let all go out of date and I do not
eat the food he eats.
He
was raised by love from me, he knows I stayed the course despite all
he did, said and threatened, only after overdose did he tell me he
loved me but he probably cannot even remember as was so out of it on
the medication he had taken, my baby diaries and the mini movie I
made him out of photo's he has read and saw when sitting next to me
on the couch when he had that mini breakdown of sorts not that long
ago, he does not like or deal with sentiment, it makes him angry, he
does not like being reminded of his childhood as he believes he was
"normal" then, he also believes as I also do now that both
he and youngest have something much more than Aspergers wrong with
them, he has stated this for a very long time now. With
my eldest and his personality, you need to wait for him to approach
you, he digs in deeper and becomes more entrenched and angry if he's
not the one in control of when he wants contact and that's not just
with me, more me because I'm his mother and his enemy, and so I'll be
the one who he'll never again be in touch with, I know him inside and
out, he will put me out of his mind, it's as cut and dried as that.
I have my birth to 12 years letters to him in my baby
diaries and all my journals and home video's in a large box for him
and youngest. I will leave with a solicitor so that when and if they
ever come looking for anything they will know where to go. I did send
my youngest texts and emails telling him I loved and missed him and
would always be here for him but never got any reply. I will do the
same for eldest but not for some months down the line as he would
only blow up internally and have no outlet in his new environment. N
is just off phone, I was just going to stay in my room tomorrow but
she is coming to get me at 10am and keep me out till my eldest has
left. It is killing me”
27th
August
I've
been awake all night, I've been crying all day and night. N rang and
told me “no way are you staying in that house with all going on,
you have been thru more than enough, I will drag you out if I have
to” N is a wonderful woman and has known me for years now. I was
crying down the phone to her and I know my eldest must have heard me
as he was in the kitchen. I wanted to scream in his face to make all
this be stopped, it should never have come to this, what did he
achieve abusing his mother who loves him but now cannot live with him
because of the way he is, why could he not change, be better, be
kind, be nice, be considerate, polite and not non stop fucking
abusive.
I
left 6 Xanax out for him, not that he will be grateful in any way,
shape or form. I'm still bloody looking out for him but he will never
recognise it. How could he not ever see how much I love and care for
him but I just cannot take any more.
Darragh
Byrne was at my door at 7pm, it's just as well I didn't know he was
coming because I would have got to the door first and punched his
fucking face in for him and all those useless bastards at Gheel doing
nothing and destroying my family thru lack of supports and services.
I lay the blame at their door. I fucking hate them and I fucking hate
him. I would have chased him out of my street after punching the fuck
out of him and gladly done time for it. Those useless, scurrilous
bastards.
28th
August
Awake
at 4am, I'm still coughing non stop. my eldest has been awake since
4.30am. I left out 8 Xanax for him. An email from my friend started
me off crying again. Eldest was moving his stuff from his room down
to the hall and then into the kitchen. He never had to do so much in
all his life, all moving we did was always left to me to pack and I
had to do ever room myself. I wanted to scream at him to wake up and
smell the fucking roses, realise how good I was and+ am to him, to
tell me he's sorry and will change and will never abuse me again and
to get help for himself and say he does not want to go, to say he
does not want to leave. I would halt all this in a heart beat if I
heard that. But all I could do was sit on the couch and cry with my
head in my hands.
I
left the house at 9.45am still crying my eyes out. I desperately
wanted him to say something, to say anything before I left the house
so that we could sort this but he didn't say anything. I want to kill
someone because I'm hurting so much. N picked me up at 10am, I howled
like a wounded animal, I was sobbing so much she had to park up her
car. She knows I should be in bed because I'm still ill and clutching
my side with the pulled muscle. I stayed with her till 2pm and she
brought me home.
Eldest
has taken my footstool that belongs to the large recliner chair, I
told him it was for him but only to sit on, not to take out of the
house. He left behind his bookcases and his 16th
birthday mini movie DVD I had made for him. He's taken my youngest's
furniture too, there are two bags of rubbish in his room, he's thrown
away the solid silver pocket watch I got engraved for him and the
solid silver money clip, he left all the books I got him for Xmas and
the expensive chess set.
I kept crying and saying aloud “I'm sorry son, I'm sorry son” I have a real pain where my heart once was. I cleaned his room, I know if I sat and did nothing then I would completely crack up. I told N “Gheel will never care for him properly” she said “he's an adult and has to learn to ask because Gheel are now his care support” She said “Darragh Byrne should never have been involved in supporting you both because it's a huge conflict of interests and it's always human nature no matter who a person is to take sides which is why it does not happen” She said “I know you're a good mum and that your kids were your whole life to the exclusion of all else and it will take you a long while to recover but you will recover” N left me at 3pm, she said she would call me tomorrow.
I kept crying and saying aloud “I'm sorry son, I'm sorry son” I have a real pain where my heart once was. I cleaned his room, I know if I sat and did nothing then I would completely crack up. I told N “Gheel will never care for him properly” she said “he's an adult and has to learn to ask because Gheel are now his care support” She said “Darragh Byrne should never have been involved in supporting you both because it's a huge conflict of interests and it's always human nature no matter who a person is to take sides which is why it does not happen” She said “I know you're a good mum and that your kids were your whole life to the exclusion of all else and it will take you a long while to recover but you will recover” N left me at 3pm, she said she would call me tomorrow.
I
am alone for the first time in my life in 53 years. At 6pm my eldest
would just be going into the bath now. How can I carry on living when
my reasons for living are no longer with me. I know they are both men
now but they are my children. I am destroyed. I keep listening for
sounds from my eldests room. I am a wreck, physically, mentally and
emotionally.
Email
from that bastard Darragh Byrne at 7.19pm:
“Hi
Anne, I wanted to make contact just to say that I am thinking of you
today. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you and
I am sorry that it has come to this. You have endured some very
difficult years and you deserve some peace and some time to yourself.
The move went fine and eldest has settled in well - he brought a lot
of stuff but we managed to fit it all in. I hope that you will both
be able to communicate again when times are better. I want you to
know that I have the utmost respect for you and I wouldn't have
wished this to happen to anyone. Take care. Darragh”
I
will never reply to him and I will NEVER forgive him.
I
feel so lost, so alone, so guilty and so heartbroken, why did none of
them help support me to cope, it was the law that we got supports and
services. Not one of those professionals cared about what my youngest
was doing and needed, what my eldest was doing and needed, what I
needed. Not one cared. Why not. I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT
I
am destroyed. All those years I've spent as a mother without a break,
I always had one of my kids with me, always. I have never had a girls
weekend away, I never had any holiday away from them. My life is now
over. I keep smelling his bed and pillows, I could find my son
anywhere just by his smell, this is torture. I have never known pain
and anguish like this, it is raw. It all feels like a very bad
nightmare, one I shall never wake up from. How the fuck could all
Agencies sit back and do fuck all and just wait until my family was
destroyed, how did they think this would pan out, they knew which is
why they let me carry on solo till I was beaten down too much to
continue. Surely to Christ it would have been cheaper all round for
all involved to support me to cope or implemented Dr Shah's immediate
recommendations that would have given me space to retreat to so I
could recharge my batteries and carry on coping. Those cunts have
destroyed me, destroyed my family unit and destroyed my life.
I
sent my friend and N of Cross care a copy of my eldests mini movie I
made with photo's put to the music of Mark Shultz “He's my son”
Email
to my friend:
“Hi
Friend, no sleep had last night, I've pulled a muscle in my back with
coughing so much and the spasms spread thru out night so I got up
4am, went into my eldests room which I cleaned out earlier and found
all the presents he'd left behind and just kept smelling his bedding,
I have never known pain like it, like having someone die and no body
to bury, I know I was emotionally closer to my youngest as he was my
baby but my youngest always had the ability to work things out until
he got diagnosed. With my eldest I know he will keep all inside and
just fade away and not ever tell anyone (Gheel) what he wants, needs,
feels and he needed me so much and I let him down again and promised
him I would not when he had that mini breakdown not long ago. I was
walking round the house just saying aloud "I am sorry son, I am
sorry son" and I am but I have absolutely nothing left inside me
physically or mentally to have been able to continue with him. It
might have been so very different if I had support network of family
and agency, I will now never know, all I know is I have lost my
children and it hurts so much, I keep listening out for any sound
above me as this just does not seem real. My sane side believes I did
all I can, my children's voices are saying in my head "What kind
of mother does that to her kids" (my youngest's fav quote) I
went thru all this with N yesterday but you can't help what negatives
you have heard for so long. I had to go to the social welfare this
morning, it took me an hour to walk but that was slow due to my
painful back, the woman was lovely but I was mortified to be roaring
with grief in public, she advised I do not apply for Job Seekers as
she did not think I was fit for work (N rang Carers yesterday and
they said I had to come off Carers immediately if my eldest had moved
out) social welfare lady told me to apply for Disability till I had
recovered physically and emotionally and sent me to the Community
Welfare Officer, again she was lovely, advised I do not go on
Disability, said she will instead look after me for 6 weeks and get
me on a course, told me I have lived too isolated for too long and a
course will ease me back into public life. I have to get a form
filled by the doctor and I need to get it back to her on Monday
stamped so that she can issue a payment for me next week. I got
letter from the Office of Ombudsman saying I had to formally complain
to the HSE and await answers from them before they could intervene,
off course I've heard nothing from Gheels Board of Directors, I swear
Friend I will make it my life's mission to never let them away with
all this and that cheeky bastard Darragh Byrne sent me an email which
officially reads like showing real concern. I told Nora I wanted to
hang around the house yesterday and beat the crap out of him, I am so
fuking angry but grief has overtaken it, so he is a lucky man for the
present, he is not getting away with any of this, N said it was total
conflict of interest and he should never have been my eldests support
if he was mine, I just said all my son is to Gheel is a cash cow,
they will get paid big bucks and poor my eldest will ask for fuck
all, they do not know him, I do, inside and out, I know what he
thinks, how he acts and re acts and he will not engage with them at
all and they will just do a check list, he still did not even have
any ID delivered to get his own money and he won't eat what food they
provide (3 squares according to that twat Andy McDonnell) and they
won't even notice. N says if anything happens to eldest under (and I
say this loosely) their care then they will be held legally
responsible. I will be in Mountjoy myself gladly if anything happens
to him. I hate my brain and my memories, every day of his life is
playing in my head every minute and its not fucking fair, not for
him, not for my youngest and not me, I could scream the fucking place
down. My eldest like my youngest will never forgive me, no matter
what the so called professional book taught twats think, they have
utterly destroyed my family, all those years and the only person who
ever gave a shit was you. I will never have those years back and my
boys will never have the family we once were back, fractured and
broken is what we all are and all down to money and agencies and my
fucking inability to hold us all together any more and deal with non
stop shit from boys and
promises from
agencies. This will be public one day, I will make sure of it. I
just cannot talk friend, all I am doing in my head is reliving my
kids lives from birth, my fight for help since County S. I am
screaming curse words in my head constantly and did not think my body
held enough water to make so many tears flow, my face is so swollen
with crying, my heart is completely broken. A Garda car drove down my
street slowly and I was convinced they were coming to tell me my
eldest was dead, when will I ever feel normal, maybe I don't want to
be, I asked N yesterday if I was having a breakdown, she said not
yet, she thinks that any protective layer I had as a buffer
has just gone so I am now hypersensitive and it will take a while to
recover. I just feel like a failure, I never wanted to be the dead
beat mother my own was, but my boys and their rejection of me makes
me feel lower than a snakes belly. I am tho aware that my negative
energy will pull others down and you know what I'm like when
extremely upset, I shut down and I'm unable to talk, too many
thoughts to actually verbalise properly but need you to know I am not
suicidal at all. I am just so so hurt and broken that I will never
allow another person into my life to ever want to feel this way
again, I trust no one outside of you, N and M”
Email
from man at Crosscare “Dear Anne, I just wanted to drop
you a line to say that I respect how you got through these last weeks
and particularly yesterday. It has been a very difficult time and you
made very brave decisions. I understand from Gheel that in no small
part to your co-operation the move went smoothly. Thanks to your
bravery both you and eldest have a chance to have a different balance
to your lives with the room for positives to emerge. Things no doubt
will be strange and perhaps difficult for a while. You will
experience big changes in the coming times. It is important for you
to use the supports you have and maybe develop new avenues. Also, it
is completely understandable that you would wonder how eldest is
doing and wonder was there any other way to deal with things. I want
you to know that he is safe and has the support of Gheel. That is a
very very good outcome due in no small part to you facing and dealing
with the crisis. In time, you may wish to establish contact at some
level and indeed eldest may wish to do the same. I’m sure Gheel and
indeed myself would be happy to mediate that. I’m sure the same is
true if you wanted contact with youngest but obviously it depends on
where everyone is at in their own lives. Remember even things like
letters read long after they are sent don’t lose their power to
warm and touch. So for now take care. Remember that you are not
alone and that bravery is a rare quality, one that you should be
proud to have”
Email
sent to Dublin Council Rent section: Dear
Sir/ Madam, Please note that I am no longer a Carer for my son who
moved out of my house on Wednesday 28thAugust
2013. Can you please amend your records accordingly. I am neither fit
physically or mentally to attend your offices at present. The
Community Welfare Officer is going to look after me for the next 6
weeks. I do not know what this means or how much Supplementary
Welfare income I will be receiving. I need to get a medical review
form stamped by the doctor before I will know anything. I am
attaching a letter from Cross care to support what I state is true
and from a useless bastard at Gheel Autism Services, who repeatedly
failed me and my sons so that I could no longer cope with their many
difficulties after 7 plus years of absolute hell on earth, of no
life, no support and no services. Yours sincerely”
Email
to my friend: “I have almost finished my complaint to HSE, N
advised I send the lot but with a Summary page of explanation, it
will be ready to go next week, I sold my TV for €60 so I can get
ink and paper and send by registered post, it's so important I get it
sent as I'm desperately worried about my eldest in Gheels care. I
will keep you posted”
30th
August
I
am consumed with a rage I never knew I had in me. I almost left the
house at 4am to go to Gheels offices in Fairview and put all their
windows in. I know the code to open their gate. I had a bag packed
with a lump hammer and a photo of my boys and all the documents
making up my complaint to Gheel and the HSE which have not been
answered yet because I wanted to be arrested so I could then attend
court and scream it all from the fucking roof tops what Gheel did and
did not do, what utter cunts they are and the HSE too. I want the
whole country to know what evil home wrecking cunts they are and I
never use that awful word. They destroy families which is against the
Irish Constitution and they destroy people as in me, the fucking
carer left solo. The only thing that stopped me was the length of the
walk because I'd no money for a taxi.
31st
August
My
friend is coming to the house today.
My
friend came at 3pm and held my hand as I sobbed and sobbed. She left
at 5pm.
2nd
September
I
had to go to the doctor to get a form stamped to take to the
Community Welfare Officer, it states, sever stress, asthma and
suicidal. I had to walk to the social welfare. I hadn't a clue where
I was going, people were staring at me, this wretch of a woman crying
in the street. A young lad asked me if I was okay, I asked him where
the medical centre was and he walked me there. The Community Welfare
Officer after reading my file said “don't be worrying about
anything, it took many years for you to get in this state so it will
take longer than 6 weeks to recover so stay on our books for the time
being and go easy on yourself till you recover”
4th
September Email to N of Cross care
Hi
N, I need to get help. I'm eaten up and consumed with anger, I nearly
went to Gheels office again with hammer to take all their windows
out, that’s the second time in 7 days I've almost gone out to do
so. I don't feel mad, mental wise, I feel mad, furious wise if that
makes sense. As I have never been bad tempered or capable of
violence in my life before I'm now scared of how I've changed and how
I feel. In the early hours of this morning when I could not sleep I
sent all documents I possess to a radio presenter. I doubt it will
make any difference but I want everyone to know there is no help out
there even when you have a bloody HSE report and recommendations,
that they just sit back and wait till you have been used and abused
to the point that you are incapable of coping and almost crack up,
all I can think of is this is my mission to get them named and shamed
and never allow this to happen to one more person in this country,
probably a losing
battle but I have
to do something”
9th
September “Hi Friend, got your text this
morning, thank you. I thought I'd already written to you about Friday
but hadn't, my brain is addled. Saw N on Friday, en-route by bus T
got on, he asked me how I was and I burst into tears, the state of
me, I had to get off the bus and walk. N read my complaint, all 80
pages, she said it's a very sober read, clear and concise, that
although the emails I included in the complaint that I sent to the
agencies are full of emotion, the rest is not so I'm happy enough
about that. She took me back to her office and got it bound for me.
Once home I found the Ombudsman letter and the woman I had to send it
to in the HSE is based in Cavan, so I found her email on-line and
sent it Friday night, I will post a hard copy on Friday. The woman is
Rosalie Smith- Lynch at the HSE. I shut down the rest of weekend.
T did say he would send his daughter down to the house to bring me up
to his but I don't want to be in any company at the moment at all”
9th
September Email to Friend “Hi Friend, got
this this morning and as pleased as I am to hear that my son is okay
I am stunned, 7 years and 4 months of agoraphobia and this reads like
he has had a magic wand perform a miracle. Have no words at all. I
got an email from Darragh and this is what he had to say about my
eldest - “eldest
is doing great - he has settled in remarkably well and he is
collecting his DA payments himself. He is eating well and he is even
doing his own shopping. He got his bike fixed so he is cycling again
too”
12th
September
Since
last Thursday my emotions have been just awful, I knew I couldn't go
any lower because you can't when you reach rock bottom. I knew I
would never resurface from this god awful searing pain in my heart.
I've lost so much weight, I've aged 20 years in mere days. I don't
like who I am, I will never again be the lovely person I know I was
but that person was driven out of me for years and she aint coming
back, she's gone. I've gone. I've gone into hiding. I don't want to
see or talk to anyone so I cleaned my house from top to bottom then
swallowed all the meds I had in the house and went to bed. This life
isn't for me, I don't see the point of it any more.
I
woke after losing two days and I'm FURIOUS. I couldn't even fucking
get that right. I don't fucking want to be here. Guilt ate at me only
because of my dog, my poor dog even tho I opened a full bag of dry
dog food and spread it all over the kitchen for her 2 days ago and
left out 2 large basins of water for her. She is a greedy pig
normally but she did not eat all the dry food. I told my friend and N
by email.
I
found my youngest online and he's moved again but did not say where
to. He's at college which I'm thrilled about, he's doing fashion
design which I always tried to get him to do but he poo pood it. He's
designed a bag and got it made at a cobblers, it is fabulous, he
designed it three years ago so to see him achieving something is
wonderful. Unfortunately he is still at the passive, aggressive have
a pop at mother mode, he asked the internet world "Srs
question: do you think the failure to diagnose autistic people until
later in life is systematic abuse/negligence? Isn't it parents and
diagnosticians duty to provide care?"
I'm
not going to let it bother me at all. I am just happy that he's alive
and well.
20th
September
Reply
from HSE, my complaint is being sent to Sheila Marshall and two other
people.
N
rang, I told her about the complaint now moving. She said “you
should be proud of yourself, no one else would have recorded such
detail, it's like being a fly on the wall, if you get any phone calls
about it, just listen, you've done all the work, you have nothing
else to give them, they have to give you answers, it's them that's
under pressure so do not attend any meetings with them alone”
21st
September
I'm
typing out my journals from my hand written copy books, it's keeping
me focussed and on planet earth at the moment. But what I have sussed
out from 2005 when I first started my journals is I have been taken
for a fool by everyone that's been in my sphere. The ex, my eldest,
my youngest, all HSE in every County we lived in. The school my
youngest went to before we moved to Dublin, the courts, solicitors,
Dublin HSE and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services. I believe this
country hates women but especially women who have a voice and use it,
even to professionals, they are no better than me, they just went to
school a bit longer than me. I don't think this country likes women
who are assertive, who tell it straight, who refuse to give up and
who refuse to listen to bull shit lies and cover their own arse
dealings.
I
walked my dog to the local shop, it's the first time I have been out
in 2 weeks. I know I look dreadful but I don't give a fuck.
23rd
September
Not
sleeping at all. Crying day and night. Finished typing 2006, 2007 and
2008 journals, very difficult to read, it's like I'm not reading
about my and our lives at all. I hardly recognise myself. I come
across as a down trod woman and then a very bolshy, don't give a shit
who you are, this is about my kids, woman. I'm thinking I might have
been fucking deranged since 2005 or perhaps earlier due to that nut
job I was married to for far too many years. Maybe no one does like
me as my eldest always told me, maybe I am a psychopathic bitch as my
ex and my youngest would always tell me, maybe I am OFF MY FUCKING
ROCKER and just didn't know it.
Post
arrived. It was from N, she sent me Incense sticks and the smell is
beautiful. I sent her a Thank You email. I am blessed to have these
kind and wonderful women in my life spurring me on.
24th
September
Still
cannot sleep, still cannot stop crying, all I'm doing is typing out
my journals.
25th
September
In
shut down mode. For weeks now I've been lying on my eldests bed just
to smell him, does that mean I'm a looney tune, completely ga ga. I
couldn't do this with my youngests bed because it's matted in rock
hard blood stains with his self harming and the very sight of his
mattress makes me gag. I'm not averse to blood, it's where it came
from I'm averse to. Crying my eyes out typing my journals. I want to
reach in and change everything for us but I can't. I am impotent. I
was back then and I still am today. I am a useless, worthless human
being.
1st
October
The
ex has defaulted on all agreements of the Divorce, he's not moved
into the cottage according to his ex girlfriend and he's not paid one
cent to the TSB for the mortgage.
I
emailed SAUL pensions in the UK and sent them a copy of my divorce
agreement too, no way is he going to cash in any of those pensions,
those are for my children.
Another
burst blood vessel in my eye, went to the optician, they sent me to
get my blood pressure checked because “it's a sign of high blood
pressure” I got all clear.
I
heard on the radio that a man's body had been found on Dollymount
beach. I convinced myself it was my eldest. I went to bed screaming
with my pillow pushed into my face.
3rd
October
Reply
from Gheel at last re my complaint to Gheel Board of Directors
“We
acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 15th August,
along with documentation referred to in your letter.
It
appears from your letter that you are not making a complaint on
behalf of “eldest son” who no longer resides with you. We brought
your letter to the attention of the service who liaise directly with
“your son” to deal with any concerns he has in relation to the
Outreach Service that is provided to him.
We
have brought your complaint in relation to services and support to
yourself, to the attention of the Director of Services, Mr Peter
Byrne.
We
are advised that you are not in receipt of services from Gheel Autism
Services but rather it is “your son” who is in receipt of
Outreach Services as a person with Autism who comes within the
auspices of Gheel Autism Services. Gheel, in so far as it is able in
the context of it's resources, provides support to family members of
people who are in receipt of the services from Gheel, in the context
only of providing services to 2your son” The Board is sorry to hear
that you are not happy with the support that has been provided.
On
a separate matter we have received legal advice on the question of
recorded conversations without the knowledge of the persons
concerned. The individuals concerned have Data Protection Rights in
relation to such recording. Under Data Protection legislation you
would need the consent of the persons concerned if you wish to use or
rely on any such recordings made.
Please
note that Gheel is reserving its position and the position of its
staff in relation to the recordings made.
In
the interim if you intend to record conversations between yourself
and Gheel staff , or between Gheel staff and your son, please in the
first place notify the persons concerned. However the Board of
Directors is very concerned to hear of your complaints and we have
discussed these with the director of Services. We wish to find a
mechanism for you to air your concerns in relation to the services we
provide to “your son” and to assist in bringing a resolution to
any issues. We hope that you would now agree to meet with the
Director of Services and members of the Outreach team so as to fully
discuss your concerns in the hope of coming to a resolution that is
satisfactory to you. Yours sincerely. Signed by Brian O' Loughlin
Chair, on behhalf of Gheel Autism Services.
I
sent them a reply
Re:
Your letter of reply dated 30/09/2013
“Dear
Brian O Loughlin,
Thank
you for your reply letter regarding my complaints about Gheel Autism
Services In-house and Outreach staff which was received by me today.
This
is to notify you all at Gheel Autism Services that this reply has not
provided me with any answers to the many questions I had asked via my
complaints letter to you.
I
was very specific with my questions and had detailed all that had
happened and all that was not, but should have been provided to my
family from 2009 to 25th
August 2013.
As
it appears yet again that Gheel Autism Services are not able to, for
whatever reason, to provide answers to the questions that I requested
and given that I and my two sons were adversely affected by your
company from 2009 to 2013, I will again send all to the Office of the
Ombudsman who can now officially take up my original complaint sent
to them as this is your official reply to me.
The
Office of the Ombudsman has a copy of my complaint dated 5th
January 2013 that Peter Byrne your CEO just ignored and also a copy
of my full complaint sent to Gheel Autism Services Board of Directors
dated 15th
August 2013”
Their
reply above is just nonsense and nonsensical and nothing whatsoever
to do with anything in this complaint I sent them.
4th
October
I
rang the Carers people at 10.45am. I told a woman the whole story and
of Gheels reply. I was told she will speak with Claire Duffy the
policy Manager and get back to me.
Claire
Duffy from Mental Health Ireland rang me, “I'm shocked you don't
know where your sons are and that you now have no relationship with
them” she “will talk to N, I know her, keep me updated”
5th
October
My
friend came to see me at 4.30pm, she could hear my frustration re my
complaints to Gheel and the HSE. She said “you're a very hard case
due to all that's raining down on your head” I said “I would
rather be a hard case than a nutcase” She laughed and left at 6pm.
I don't know what I would have done without this woman in my life all
these years.
I
typed my journal from 2005. I ended up crying for me and my boys,
the chaos and the violence we experienced, re living it when typing
made me have murderous feelings.
Proverbial
shit coming down on me from every angle. Apparently my divorce is not
worth the paper it's written on. The ex has defaulted on everything
and I cannot get Legal Aid for another 3 years. Went to see a lovely
FLAC solicitor. He's from Northern Ireland. I wrote bullet points for
him and gave him my Divorce Agreement which he went thru and
explained some of the legal terminology, he said I can get it back
into court due to the term “liberty to apply” on it. I told him
what the solicitor I was given at the 11th hour of my
divorce told me, I “can't get any Legal Aid now for 3 years” This
solicitor said “you do not need to re apply, it's the same matter”
He asked me “why would that solicitor say he sent you a letter the
same day of your divorce telling you what you signed wasn't legally
binding” I said “I've never seen any letter, I was only told that
over the phone” This solicitor said “he is probably covering his
own arse” I said “why would I sign anything not legally binding”
he said “you need to make a complaint 1/ You did not receive advice
saying all was totally dependant on TSB. 2/ Your ex husband has
defaulted on all orders of the court. 3/ Google complaint civil legal
board”
I
walked home thoroughly confused. It all means the ex has not moved
back to the family home, he is still paying €100 a week for a
private rental.
I
have €3 to my name to last me for 6 days and the solicitor I used
for divorce even tho I did all the work on it myself has fucked me
over big time by not explaining everything to me, that is the third
solicitor to have ridden rough shod over me.
I
wrote a letter of complaint to the solicitor from Legal Aid in
Gardiner Street and gave a lady from the refuge I used to live in a
copy of it.
My
letter to Legal Aid solicitor
Dear
S, I have tonight been advised by a FLAC solicitor to write to you
regards the following matter: I divorced on 31st May 2013
with you in attendance as my solicitor.
I
do not recall receiving any advice that this Divorce Agreement was
dependent totally on Permanent TSB agreeing to same. There would have
been no point in me agreeing to sign the divorce agreement before
receiving Permanent TSB approval.
I
do recall being asked what did I prefer, €20,000 I was owed in
arrears of maintenance or an approximate €50,000 mortgage debt
which is why I signed this agreement and allowed the arrears of
maintenance to be “wiped out”
My
ex husband has defaulted on this divorce agreement.
I
contacted Legal Aid in Gardiner Street to tell them this on the 29th
September 2013 at 2pm because I wanted this to go back to court after
finding out from the TSB that my ex husband had not contacted them
and has not paid a cent nor provided them with any indemnifying
letter and as the “mortgage account has been deemed as non
engagement, it's been outsourced to a Debt Collection Agency called
Cabots. The arrears are €17,452.06, the total mortgage is
€50,731.63. “The mortgage account is not entitled to the Mortgage
Arrears Resolution Process due to non engagement”
As
your letter dated to me on 27th June 2013 stated “Should
you require legal aid about any other matter you will need to
complete a new Legal Aid application form” and my call to your
office on the 29th September was about the same matter so
I did not expect to be told the next day that I had to re apply for
Legal Aid and a letter had been sent to me on 31st May,
the same day of my divorce where paragraph 4 states: not legally
binding as far as TSB goes, this is not an actual quote but what I
summarised from being told this over the phone by your office but why
would I sign anything if it was not legally binding? It does not make
any sense at all.
I
did not receive any letter dated 31st May 2013. I have
pulled my house apart looking for this letter in case I may be
mistaken about this but I am extremely organised and very thorough
when it comes to my files as you may recall as I did all my own
divorce paperwork which I provided to you. Why would you send me a
letter on the same date of my divorce. You were in court with me. I
cannot make any sense of that.
My
ex husband has defaulted on the orders of the court as per our
divorce agreement stamped by the Circuit Court.
The
order of the court as per the divorce agreement states “Liberty to
Apply” I was told by FLAC this evening that this means it can be
brought back into court and I do not and should not have to re apply
for Legal Aid because it's the same matter and my ex husband has had
five months since divorce to comply with the courts orders but he has
not.
I've
also been advised to make a complaint to the Legal Aid Board but
wanted to contact you first because I now feel I've been very
unfairly treated by Family law in general since 2006 when I first
began this process of getting justice for myself and my children and
I failed to do so.
I
do know that my ex husband is still living in a private rented house
paying €100 per week since 2010 and the mortgage for the family
home was less than €300 per month.
On
6/6/13 I took chocolates into the girls at your office as they've
been good to me and I asked them why I hadn't yet received my Safety
Order that was to be dealt with on the same day as the divorce. I was
told in court that my ex husband was not putting up any argument
about that but I haven't received any safety order despite me
providing yourself and the court with his threats to “stab that
woman the next time I see her” in email format from his then
partner who was fearful about my safety. I received a call from your
office to tell me what I signed on the day I needed to wait for the
court to send out in full. I have not received any safety order from
the court.
I
am not prepared to again apply for Legal Aid given the time I waited
getting you as solicitor for my divorce and given that your office is
only dealing with clients from April 2012 at this present time.
Please advise”
(After doing some digging, I found out that the private rent of €100 per week the ex was paying was being paid to a man who owns a garage in Wales, not only Wales but the same town as his mother. When I told my previous female solicitor this nothing was investigated. I have no doubts at all in my mind that the ex bought this cottage himself with the funds he hid. This place was sold in November 2017 for €89,500)
(After doing some digging, I found out that the private rent of €100 per week the ex was paying was being paid to a man who owns a garage in Wales, not only Wales but the same town as his mother. When I told my previous female solicitor this nothing was investigated. I have no doubts at all in my mind that the ex bought this cottage himself with the funds he hid. This place was sold in November 2017 for €89,500)
I
talked to a refuge worker about the divorce cock up, she said “you've
been treated appallingly, a complaint should be sent because it's
shocking that what you have is not worth the paper it's written on”
My
head is spinning.
14th
October
A
refuge worker came round, she found out about a solicitor who is big
into Social Justice and will get me his details. She also told me
about CORU, Ireland's first multi professional health regulator.
I
rang CORU “we don't deal with complaints but we might in May 2014”
16th
October
Got
a job working night shift in a nursing home. I love it, hard work but
takes my mind of everything till I get home. I had to inform Social
Welfare because I'm on work probation for a month and need to get
something called Casual Dockets.
Fuck
me, the way some people talk to you in that social welfare office is
a bloody disgrace. Some snooty cow said “I want a copy of your
divorce agreement” I said “that's family law and held in camera
so is not for public view, not that I have anything to hide, I'm just
quoting the law” She said “I don't care if it was held in camera,
get it to me” “your out of date passport cannot be used as ID”
Me- “why not, it's still me” “I need your original birth cert,
do not come back into this office unless you have it” I asked her
“what's the name of that charm school you went to, you need to ask
them for your money back cause it obviously didn't work for you”
and I walked out. Life is hard enough for people who need to go to
that office in the first place, she should be out the back dusting
files and not “interacting” with the public with that fucking
attitude.
19th
October
I
sent email to the HSE
“Dear
Ms Anne Marie Donohue, I refer to a letter I have attached which
states that you are “keeping a watchful brief on my complaint”
this letter is dated 17thSeptember 2013. The letter also
states that a Complaints Officer assigned by Ms Sheila Marshal,
General Manager would be in contact with me in the next few weeks.
To date I have not heard anything from anyone regards this. I would
appreciate any response you can provide as an update. Thank you.
Yours sincerely”
21st
October
Went
to the social welfare to get an ID card from them. I'm taking no shit
sherlock from any snooty bitch today.
It
was pissing down with rain, my feet were soaked thru just walking to
the Dart station. I asked the bloke behind the counter at the station
if he had two plastic bags, he did, they were Tesco bags, he laughed
when I pulled off my soaking wet boots and socks and put the plastic
bags on my bare feet then the wet socks on top. Everyone was looking
at me, I couldn't care less.
Into
Social Welfare, what a lovely man I met. I still didn't have my
original Birth Cert but I had documents from Barnados when I was in
care which had my date of birth and birth name on so he accepted them
and said he would get it signed off by his Supervisor. He took my
photo and I nearly died when he showed it to me. I look so ugly and
old. He laughed and wished me luck.
I
cry every day and night and I never want to wake up from what little
sleep I'm getting.
Got
this email from Anne Marie Donohue, I think it was sent to me by
mistake
“Dear
Siobhan, Please see e-mail below in respect of non response to date
of letter of complaint dated 17th September
2013. As this was forwarded for the attention of Ms Sheila Marshall,
I would be obliged if you could arrange direct update to Anne. Yours
sincerely”
My
mood is dreadful, I feel sick and tired and tired and sick. I'm like
a bag of weasels, fighting to get out of a bag but also scared to see
what's outside of the bag.
22nd
October
I
went flying on the kitchen floor at 6.30 this morning. For the first
time ever my dog peed on the kitchen floor and I went skating on it
and landed heavily on my knees, fuck me, the agony of it, I had to
shuffle on my bum from the kitchen to the living room with my dog
thinking it was a game and jumping all over me. My knees look like
enormous boobs they've swollen so much.
I
now go to bed locking my bedroom door at night because I've never
lived on my own before and I always have the radio on. I heard this
song and cried so much that I felt sick. My heart hurts so bad.
28rd
October
Finished
typing 2010 journal and started 2011, it doesn't make a nice read at
all because I now see exactly when my youngest started going down
hill and glimpses of him being mentally ill. I must indeed be a
terrible mother not realising what was under my own nose. Chaos and
abuse leaves you stupefied tho.
Letter
from HSE re my complaint. Cop out bastards. Cannot continue with my
complaint unless I have “consent” from both my sons but I can
contact Social Work Team Leader Mary McNutt who did fuck all for us
all since 2010 when she walked out of a case conference at the refuge
declaring it wasn't a Social Work matter but a Disability matter and
we never met one person from the Disability sector. Like I said more
cop outs from cop out bastards.
6th
November
I
received mere sheets of paper from the HSE under the Freedom of Info
Act. What a complete crock of shit. Only about the tea and sympathy
meetings I attended with Geraldine Murphy and Mary McNutt with Edel
from Gheel where fuck all was ever done. Not one mention of all my
dealings with Gheel, not one mention of my dealings with Carol
Doolan, not one mention of any of my calls, my emails, my complaints.
Nada. What are they hiding.
I
sent a letter to the Disability Manager re her requesting my son
provide her with ID re his own application for all his files under
FOI Act
“Dear
Sheila Marshall, Re your letter addressed to my son sent to my home
address unsealed and received today. You are aware because you will
be paying Gheel Autism Services to support my son who is now living
independently and not at my address, the reasons why you also know. I
have been told today that it's highly unusual to ask a person
specifically with my sons special needs of social anxiety to request
he telephone someone after they provided all required in the way of
documentation as in their ID and their signature within 10 working
days or the request will be withdrawn and the request closed. I
assume you must have good reason to state this to my son. I
am sure that Gheel Autism Services will provide you with my son's
current address as their CEO Peter Byrne meets with you all on
Tuesdays so can you please now send this letter to his current
address”
12th
November Email to my friend
“Hi
Friend, I'm very down today. Received reply from Ombudsman who
say that because the HSE have asked for consent from my eldest and my
youngest and I've not done that then they cannot investigate further
till the HSE have their consent and fully investigate my complaint. I
rang Social Justice who told me to ring PILA who do not deal with
individual people and told me to ring FLAC, long conversation with a
lovely girl who said that as I'm complaining as an individual as to
the failures and neglect of support and services I do not need my
son's consent for the HSE to do so and that the HSE know that I
cannot get the boys consent due to the breakdown of our
relationship. She told me to not give up and go along to FLAC
office but they only deal with family law in my local office. I am
going to write to HSE and also the Ombudsman by email and tell them
this, then with the next nonsense reply I am just going to edit my
complaint to both Gheel and HSE and send to Board of Managers at the
HSE and all politicians”
MY
reply to the HSE
“Dear
Ms. Siobhan Kelly, Re: Your letter dated 24th
October 2013 stating that I need to provide written consent from my
sons before you can investigate my complaint sent to the HSE. It was
due to the failures and neglect of the provision of supports and
services by the HSE which you all know about and it should be
perfectly clear as per my complaint that my sons no longer reside
with me as our family relationship broke down which would never have
happened had the Family Support Plan I was told existed for us all
had been adhered to. I do not know what this Family Support Plan
contained because from 2009 to 2013 each and every time I asked for
it I was ignored. My family would still be intact if the Autism
expert Dr Amita Shah that the HSE paid to have flown over from the UK
and who provided an extensive diagnostic report and recommendations
that were then ignored by both the HSE and Gheel Autism Services to
the detriment of my family. On the 17/12/12 I sent an email of
complaint to the Disability Manager Geraldine Murphy, both my sons
were still living with me on this date and I still received no reply
to that complaint. I know that Geraldine Murphy received this
complaint as I had confirmation from S. K. the HSE Information
officer on 17/12/12 at 11.59am. I have today received Legal Advice
and been told that I'm fully entitled to have answers to my complaint
as an individual. I am complaining as an individual. The failures and
the neglect of the HSE affected me as an individual and I will not
rest nor will I stop until I have all answers I deserve, require and
need.”
I
went to my GP with what I wanted to tell him written down as I am
falling apart and in no mood for any conversation with him or anyone
else.
“I
have weekly Neuralgia attacks in my ear, head and face, the attacks
happen on alternate sides and come out of the blue, the pain is
indescribable. My arthritis in my ankles, knees and wrists flare up,
I am scared I will end up on crutches again as I was for one year in
2008. My
back and coccyx keep having dreadful muscle spasms. I
am not sleeping even tho I take one sleeping tablet at 9pm, I always
wake up at 3am and 5am. I
am always crying in public, it feels like I had two deaths in the
family this year with my boys leaving so dramatically and all that
went on when they were living with me. I was well enough to start
coming out of the house again and was doing fine the past 3 weeks
till yesterday 25/11/12 when the crying in public started again, it
is mortifying, I am an emotional wreck. I do not want anti
depressants because they feel like a heavy weight on my brain, I have
tried them before. I know it's an overload of stress and grief and
anxiety and I'm doing daily meditations but I need help, I don't know
what help but know I need it. He
gave me Effexor anti depressants, he talked about my eldests social
care worker collecting his medication weekly. I went mad at him. He said
“you should be happy not living with such stress any more” I
said “it's just as well woman have kids and not men and I feel
heart broken and want my family back” he asked what would you
want, I said my kids and for them to be normal and not abusive. He
said you are suffering from grief and depression.
Bad
nights sleep, been bad for weeks. I could have sworn someone kept
saying Anne, Anne, Anne because it woke me up at 4.30am, I went back
to sleep and had an awful nightmare about my youngest. I was with
him in a shopping centre and he was attacked by group of lads and
died in front of me, I woke up sobbing, it set me right back. Every
time I think of my lads which is all day, I am in tears. I am crying
at drop of hat again.
20th
November
Just
off the phone with TSB. I just asked them what the story is because
I've not heard anything since my last call to them. I got told the ex
has agreed a plan with them and if he does not default for 6 months
then the arrears will be capped, this means the account will not be
seen or logged as being in arrears and the arrears will become part
of the actual mortgage. They have sent him all documents about this.
My signature is needed because it's a new payment structure and
cannot go ahead without me agreeing so they will send me out the same
documents to sign.
21st
November
I
got a lovely email from the woman who went to family court with me as
support:
“Hi
Anne, I’m so sorry
I haven’t gotten back to you sooner. It just sounds terrible
everything that you’ve been through. I know that you did everything
that you could have for eldest and youngest, so I can only imagine
how difficult this has been for you. It must be hard being there on
your own, but I only hope that you feel some relief as well to have
some space for yourself and some control over your home. I honestly
don’t know what to say Anne, but that I know what you’ve come
through and how strong you must be to come out the other side. You
probably don’t realise how brave you’ve been and it’s hard to
see it when you’re in the middle of everything. Hopefully with the
counselling and support it will help you to get some perspective on
all the things you’ve been through. You deserve some happiness
Anne, more than anyone I’ve met in a long time. Please focus on
yourself and give yourself some of the love and attention that you
have always shown to everyone else. Be kind to yourself. You did all
you could to help eldest .I am so happy to hear that you are working
and that you are taking your first steps back into the ‘real
world’! Take good care of yourself. You are an inspirational
person”
27th
November
I
am fit for nothing. It feels like I'm surrounded with layer of
perspex. I talked to N from Cross care she thinks it's “bereavement
counselling” I need. I rang them and spoke to someone called G who
told me “we only deal with those who have lost someone to death”
I
cannot cope. I hate myself.
14th
December
One
year ago today I saw the photo's of my youngests horrific self
harming online and never recovered from it. My poor children. Why
could I not have been stronger. Why did I leave the UK. Why, Why,
Why, Why, Why.
17th
December
Checked
my youngests twitter. He was complaining about the lack of coverage
in his area. It's next to me. I went walking the streets in tears
just in the hope of catching a glimpse of him. I am a pathetic wretch
of a woman.
20th
December
Two
letter arrived for my eldest at my address. I posted them separately
on the same day for safety to my eldest care of Gheel. Then a man
from Cross care sent me an email asking if I had any mail for my
eldest, I replied to him I'd posted them C/O Gheel.
2
missed calls from a number I don't know. I never answer them.
Voicemail left, B from Cross care telling me letters will be coming
for my eldest and I should post them to Darragh Byrne. I've already
posted them but even if I hadn't I would never post anything to that
utterly useless apology of a man.
22nd
December
I'm
in a very bad way. I rang Pieta House, someone will call me back.
24th
December
My
friend sent me a text to let her know if I need to talk. I'm in
shutdown mode, I cannot talk. My friend always understands this. God
bless her tho.
25th
December
I
am alone, completely alone, not one Happy Xmas text or email or card
from anyone. My first Xmas alone in 53 years. my youngest was on
Twitter till 3am. I wish everything was different. I wish I could go
back in time. I wish I wasn't me.
27th
December
Some
woman arrived at my door at 12.20pm, she didn't say who she was or
where she was from. She said “Hi, I've come to collect your son's
mail. I said “I posted my son's mail the Friday before Xmas marked
care of Gheel” she said “so there's no mail here for him” I
said “off course there isn't, I've just told you that” and I
slammed the door shut in her face. I assumed she was from Gheel. I
rang M from the refuge in a panic worrying about my eldest having no
money. She said “no one should ever land on your door like that,
she could have been anyone and it's not professional to not say who
she was or where she's from and your eldest is an adult and has no
right using your address in the first place, he does not live at
you're address, you did the right thing posting his mail to Gheel but
you could have just sent his post back to the bank if you wanted, as
not known at this address, let them or him sort it out. Look after
you, you always put yourself last, so quit worrying about him. You've
been a great mother Anne who got no thanks, no love and no gratitude
so start living Anne, start living for you, you deserve it”
She
is a great woman with positive words for me. But I'm worried that my
eldest has no food or money to buy any. I know from experience that
Gheel won't give a shit about him. I'm also worried that someone has
clocked that two identical letters posted the same day and same time
to Gheel must be a bank card and bank pin number. And how the hell
can it take 7 days to travel a mere mile and still not be delivered.
I
sent my eldest a text telling him “I posted two letters to you on
20th
December at 9.15am, get Gheel to check their office and never send
those idiots to my door again and it's so nice to hear you are alive
and well” No Reply from him.
Wanted
to spend New Year on my own and I did and I did not cry when the
midnights bells started.
As
for Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services. Do not touch with a barge
pole if you want to keep your family intact. Do not go near if your
family has a crisis. Do not go near if your children have Aspergers
Syndrome and other issues too. Do not go near if you want to retain
your sanity. Do not go near if you believe professionals should put
up and shut up as this lot do not, they take everything personally
and ignore you completely.
If
you have found a voice for yourself and your kids, good but it
doesn't matter re this agency, you do not count. Do not ask for
anything, do not ask what they are providing, do not ask them to give
a shit.
It does not matter if your kid is running you out of
your house at the end of a 20inch carving knife. It does not matter
that you attend a conference meeting of all professionals, one a
Consultant Psychiatrist who tells you that a renowned Autism experts
report and immediate recommendations should be read and implemented
and once again was ignored by all around said meeting. It does not
matter if your kid is taking an overdose of meds, it does not matter
that they are cutting themselves to smithereens with Stanley knife
blades bought online. It does not matter that the Garda put them out
because the Mum could not take any more, who does not want to live
any more and tells Gheel Autism Services and they do fuck all as
usual yet get paid by the HSE? How much and what for they will not
answer, why not. Lives in their inept hands, families fall apart and
they do fuck all till this happens. Clever or what? Still awaiting
that answer. Found out online that they provide "Project Engage"
crock of shit. My son was still at school in 2012, not a mention of
above project, not a mention of same to him or to me by them. My
family torn asunder because I couldn't carry on with no support from
Gheel.
I
sent a copy of my email to my friend re what I'd written to the
Ombudsman
“Dear
Iris Kilbey, I refer to your letter
of 26th
August 2013 that your
office had received my complaint regard Gheel Autism Service and
Coolock HSE Dublin 5.
As
you suggested I wrote to both agencies I wish to draw your attention
to the fact that no answer has been given at all to my many questions
asked via my complaint to both services. I was forced to write these
complaints due to a catalogue of failures and neglect of myself and
my family since 2009 despite my asking both services on a frequent
basis since 2009 what supports and services the HSE were paying Gheel
Autism Services to provide us. I wish for both services to be held
accountable for their failures to act on the recommendations of
Autism Expert Dr Amitta Shah as I still have no answer as to why they
did not and it is now my belief that neither service answers to
anyone, never mind a member of the public whose family has been
destroyed as is evident in my documentation sent to you of my
complaint. I do not think it is good enough that these replies read
as a mere brush off after they sat back knowing our lives were
falling apart and that I was at daily risk of violence and had
another son who was seriously self harming and still they did nothing
in the way of supports and services. I am especially concerned that I
had an Autism experts Diagnostic Report and Recommendations paid for
by the HSE who had this expert fly over from the UK in an attempt to
help my eldest son which then was completely ignored since April 2009
by both Gheel and the HSE despite my utmost attempts to have these
carried out as I was told they had to be. I now believe this was
merely a cost cutting exercise and the consequence of Gheel and HSE
neglect and failure to provide what they should have done for myself
and my two sons who have Autism has destroyed my family life. I would
like to ask that you please help me in any way you can as I cannot
put this to rest until I have the answers I need and deserve. I am
sorry that I cannot provide you with a reference number as there was
none on your letter to me”
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