Nothing more to say or write 2017 to 2018

Email to Friend

Hi Friend, Thank you so much. You do know I would have been in a lunatic asylum a very long time ago if it wasn't for you. You are such a good and kind friend to me. I re read my baby diaries today and even if it had not been me who wrote them and I simply read them, you can tell love just poured out of the mother writing them, you cannot make up fact as happened so that has helped. Thank you Friend, I am fine, just sad but tomorrow is another day.

Email from Friend “Anne, I know from what you wrote that you can keep your safety net around you. You just have to do that and not pay any attention to what youngest wrote. He is hurting and in deep pain and you are the only one he can throw stones at. You know and I know that you are not to blame. End of story. But horrible to see and read what he wrote”

Youngest had posted on Twitter “after 15 weeks of assessment, finally got my report- I didn't get a diagnosis but got psychological formulation, tho she did say my closest diagnosis would be borderline and Schizoid. My psych report is a damming indictment of my parents, especially my mother”

My brain cannot or won't process how this child of mine who was so loved by me could now be this man, this stranger, this chronic abuser of his own mother. I am not how he constantly describes, who is this person. I do not know the person he has become. And who are the professionals giving him the labels he craves without having the full story. No one will ever know my child as I do.

Youngest on Twitter “I've been in hospital for like 27 hours now” He did not explain why.

I feel completely drained. I know I shouldn't be reading the bile youngests posts on Twitter because it pulls me down into a dark, dank pit of gloom. It leaves me stupefied and questioning my sanity with, is he right, was it me, is it all my fault. That's the kind of brain I now have. And no he's not right and no it's not all my fault. His brain is wired wrong due to his father and his grand fathers genetics. I have letters from his Grand fathers sister who gave me the facts. It was certainly not youngests upbringing. I wish there was a law against damming an innocent person online with no right to defend themselves, he knows I would be defending myself immediately with every key stroke he makes because he knows me so well.

2^nd October 2017

Feeling very, very, very, very down and very low in spirit. I cannot switch my thoughts off. I'm staring down an abyss. If anyone asked me if I had any regrets I would tell them no. I just want to know what the fuck it's all been for. Why the two men (sons) in my life who I loved with every part of me, chose to try and obliterate my health, mental and physical and left me such an emotional wreck that I refuse to have any close relationship with anyone ever again as I will never expose myself to that level of hurt, pain, torture, anguish, heartache or heartbreak ever again. I love the three close friends I now have in my life and as always my Friend who still rings me weekly but I keep my home and my work life very much separate. I am a different person now in the house, I am a lone wolf who just exists. I am no longer scared in the house to turn my back as no one is here to hypothetically stab me in the back but those two men destroyed me, they robbed me of my total joy of life, they stifled and eventually suffocated my very spirit, they left me deflated, so all I do now is drag myself thru each day and hope one day the real me will come back. I liked that person.

12^th October 2017

I sent youngest all his childhood photo's by email but I doubt him seeing photo's of himself as a happy, healthy and loved child will ever change his stance. I need to keep telling myself that he's mentally ill and lives in his own negative world so needs dire and negative childhood fantasies to match his dire and negative adulthood. I thank god I wrote “baby diaries” since pregnancy and have many “home movies” of him and his brother because his made up shit sure make me question my sanity continually.

16^th October 2017

Hi Friend, Hope all is well with you. I'm still sick, my head cold has now gone onto my chest. I'm disgusted with youngest, I had been staying off his Twitter but I checked just now and I swear that boy will get me hung with his lies or himself banged up in a psych unit for a long time. No wonder I can never get my head round anything and keep in mind what is real and not real. His latest post is: "Do you know how affirming it is when your 20 years of abuse and neglect is not only acknowledge but being addressed by psychs" How in god's name can he say such a thing to professionals, he is definitely not referring to his father as only I ever loved and parented him so it's obviously me he's claiming "abused and neglected" him but how? because he was never abused nor neglected by me in his life, the only wrath he ever got from me was my cursing mouth when I could take no more and Gheel were certainly told because I was screaming at them about him down the phone. I don't think he will be happy till I'm 6 feet under and that's the truth as I feel it. I really do not know who he is at all and if he came near my door now I would not open it. It is awful to be portrayed as something you're not and never have been and never will be and I have no idea what he could possibly be achieving with these accusations and have "psychs" acknowledge and address, whatever the hell that means. I am afraid that like his father he will manipulate and pull the wool over everyone's eyes that he is a victim which will never get him the real professional help he needs. I just cannot believe it. The rest below is just a few other bits he's posted. I am not working till Saturday. Take care Friend and thank you, no need for any reply.

"He then gave me an appointment 2 weeks out to see his psychologist who’s on holiday. Suicidal depression doesn’t take a fucking holiday”​

“I now understand why one of his patients killed herself”

“To quote “Get drunk, find a gun”

“The statistics for completed suicides in BPD are 400% higher than the [U.S.] national average​​

I think it’s quite clear that this is compounded by psychs blatant refusal to treat, to diagnose, the associated stigma and multi diagnosis”​

“Quite startling to see your own words echoed by those who are now dead”

“Because if those before you couldn’t be helped what makes you any different”​​

“Another bastard psych appointment tomorrow. I wonder how detailed you need to get about ideation before they take you seriously”

“I had screening tests at another place 4 weeks ago now and that hasn’t been addressed at all. No medication, no nothing”

I don't know what I would have done all these years without my dear friend's common sense, friendship and wisdom.

24^th October 2017

I had to go to my GP to get blood results and told him “I'll tell you the real reason I'm here after my results” My bloods were fine, I've just got anaemia. He's a nice enough man even tho I've had my fair share of run ins with him but when I really need to tell him something important I write it down because I don't want to be a blubbering wreck in his office and then have to walk the street till it's time for my bus home. I gave him what I wrote: “I need help but NOT medication. I relive losing my boys daily in slow motion, I relive their whole lives in my head daily when I'm alone at home. I think of them whilst I'm travelling to work and tears pour down my face on the bus, I'm embarrassed at doing so in a public arena and afraid I'm going to crack up again. I'm not depressed, I'm having a great time at work, I love my work and the people I work with and the customers, I could not be any happier doing that. It's my constant thoughts when I'm not distracted by work. Guilt is eating me up re my failure to cope solo with my boys and all their problems”

The GP read all youngest had written online about me and he knows the effect it's had on me. He started asking me questions “Do the boys see their father, Is he psychotic too, what was he like to live with” and when I answered his questions, the tears just poured out of me which is what I didn't want to happen. He said “I know exactly what's wrong with you, your self esteem is rock bottom, you're not a failure, you did your very best no matter what your sons say to the contrary. They were born like this, it's up to them to come to terms with it and stop blaming you. Stop reading anything from them, you're torturing yourself. Some people don't like talking but you do which is why I know you're troubled when you don't want to talk. You're a loving person, a spiritual person, you just need your self esteem brought back to normal” And he gave me the name and number of a Spiritual Counsellor but I would never be able to afford it on my income.

1st November 2017

Interview for another new second job. I started tonight. It's hard work but it will do me good.

Youngest has written “Finished my first session of Cognitive Analytic Therapy. My therapist said my mother was completely emotionally abusive and neglectful. It was.....validating”

I cannot take any more of his lies, it's alright my friends of many years standing who live far away from me to tell me to just ignore him but that man knows what buttons to push in me, he's been practising on me his whole life and his “script” never changes. I must have had a crystal ball as I forecast he would re write his whole history years ago. How can these “therapists” not see thru him, his manipulation, his attention seeking, his slander. His written words do not hurt me as badly as they used to any more. It's anger I now feel. If a therapist is sealing his lies with validation what's to stop an erratic mentally ill man harm me in person and most probably get away with it. I'm putting it in writing to my GP so that if anything does happen to me from my youngest son's hands that there is a record of it. There is never any sign of his erratic mental illness when he is pursuing women and travelling to London to see his favourite band.

I re started counselling and was told “it was dreadful domestic abuse” and youngest “is projecting all anger on you, it's not true so do not water the seed, you need self love and self care, it's a living bereavement you are going thru and eldest only wants you when he needs someone to fight his battles then he has no more use of you, set boundaries, strong boundaries, you know his chapter and verse, help me, fight for me then fuck off abuses, only you can stop it all”

I had a dream about my youngest. He was walking towards me and looked like he did when he was 10 years old, he held his arms out for me to hug him and I did hug him for a long time and I said to him but you don't like me or love me any more and he replied but your my mum, my mum, my mum. I woke up crying and with conflicting emotions, it was a lovely dream and felt so real to be hugging him but it wasn't real at all. My son is gone.

My eldest son is now 25 years old and I hope he is happy and healthy and no longer stuck in the same place with agoraphobia. I haven't seen him in person since he was 21 years old and I have not spoken to him since March 2016 when he needed my help to fight his battles then told me I was useless and to fuck off again. It only seems like yesterday when I brought my most beloved first born son into the world and travelled home with him from the hospital with Simply Red's “Your Babies” playing on the car radio. He was so loved and wanted and precious and beautiful.

Youngest has written on Twitter that I slapped both him and his brother so hard when they were 3 or 4 that hand prints were left on their skin for hours afterwards and that I made my eldest eat soap because he said the word bastard. I am utterly destroyed that he can come up with nothing but lies. My children were never slapped ever by me except when my eldest slammed a plug and a double adaptor into my face and spat fully in my face when we lived in the cottage and he was 12 years old then. I can only assume he's writing it for my benefit, to either hurt me which its obviously doing or that he wants some sort of reaction from me.

My adopted daughter T rang me at 8.30pm and when I told her what youngest had now written she did not hold back. She said “I've known those two since one was in primary school and the other starting secondary school and not only is youngest a fucking liar but he has no good left in him at all any more. I believe he is dangerous to you and also dangerous to anyone that is close to you, I think he will hurt anyone close to you as he knows how much that would cause you real pain and me and my kids will never feel safe visiting you again. Any one who does not know you and reads the shite he's writing will think that he is a poor soul and that's what he wants people to think and to feel sorry for him and think on his behalf what a bad bastard his mother must be but he is the bad bastard and I have no doubt at all he will try and kill you and get away with it by playing the mental health card” I said “why does he not use his real name on Twitter and he knows I read it because he wrote “I know you read this” T said “I have never known anyone in my life change the way he did, he was leading a double life when he lived with you, all nice and affectionate to you when I was visiting but going up to his bedroom and posting nothing but badness about you and you knew nothing about it for years, he is just the same mould as his father”

Counselling

I was asked when youngest first started changing. It was an unexpected question. As upsetting as I found it all I had a light bulb moment. My youngest saw how I reacted every time his father lied to me or about me and he saw the energy I mentally used up to go all out to disprove his lies. I don't know why I have this constant need to show liars for what they are especially when those lies are directed at me. But I'm exhausted now, I feel I have no fight left in me. I am emotionally and mentally drained and have no interest in people or life any more. My zest has gone completely. My youngest broke me down completely in the house till I could take no more and had him removed by the Garda and now he is obsessed and wants revenge all because I could not cope with him or his brother any more, no one could cope with them solo and I was supposed to be “a strong woman” and that is all I am guilty of. I'm no saint, what human is, I have the biggest mouth on me, but I am not the sinner he is trying to portray me as either. I simply could not cope solo. Youngest knows I was petrified, scared out of my wits petrified of his fathers craziness which almost drove me into insanity. His attempted ruination of my reputation has been going on for 4 damn years now and I cannot take it any more. I refuse to take it any more and if he ever becomes sane again I hope he is proud of himself and the torment he put me thru when living with me and when not living with me. If I was “an abusive cunt” why did he not just leave when he reached 16, why did he have to be put out by the Garda. There is a flaw in my own genetics, there must be because I cannot get my head around any of this, weighing up the child I loved and adored and would have died or killed for and this man he is now. I sobbed thru the whole counselling session and had to go to my second job after that. I'm not in a good place at all.

T rang me after I sent her a text. She said “he's a grown ass, dangerous man, yet so sly because he never gave or gives anyone else the abuse and shit he gave you” My head does know that she's correct but my heart still sees my adored baby. So my youngest baby, whatever this was about, you win as I'm all done in now, I hope that makes you happy son.

Went to my GP and showed him all my youngest is claiming and I feel psychologically damaged. He told me to be less emotional and to stay strong. If I could manage that I would not be sitting in his bloody surgery, he offered me anti depressants, I'm not depressed, I just want the shit to stop. I came out with tears pouring down my face, the lovely receptionist told me to sit in the staff toilet till I was ready to leave. On the bus home the counsellor rang me out of the blue, I jumped off the bus and sobbed all the way home on the phone with her, she said “your son is being very cruel” She pointed out to me “you never gave up till you could not go on any longer as your own health was at risk so never think you are a failure”

But I am a failure, because I failed, big time.

One of the girls in work who now knows me very well and is a great friend gave me a mothers day card, chocolates and a beautiful bouquet of flowers for being motherly. I was so touched at her kindness and thoughtfulness. She said “you should know by now how much you are loved by us girls” I will never forget her kind heart.

Counselling session.

I'd printed out and handed over my early journals to her. She said “it's disgusting the way your sons spoke and treated you and I don't understand how you let them away with bullying and manipulating you so much” I had no answer to give her except that they had been thru so much with their father and I thought their anger was natural. She told me “your doing great now and your getting stronger so keep going” because I did not cry during this session so that must be a good sign.

Counselling session.

I asked what counselling does for a person. I was told, it helps to get it all out of you. She said she can see my confidence returning. She said she cannot believe that when eldest was diagnosed with a disability at age 15 that no one helped me adjust to that news. I told her I was far too busy screaming for help for him that I never had the time to adjust to anything never mind be offered help but what was written down a files in another county looked like I had been offered the world on a gold plate.

I sent an email to my youngest for his 24^th birthday. I have been staying off his Twitter account. My email to him bounced back as not a valid email address. He's had that email account for 12 years so worry took over. I checked his Twitter “looking online for carbon monoxide gas” I've printed his words out to take to my counselling session as the counsellor is HSE funded so she can give it to the relevant people to get him help.

Counselling session. 
I gave her what youngest wrote and my permission to pass it on to her supervisor so youngest can be helped.

Youngest posted online an apparent email from his therapist, I was in bits about it till my friend told me after I had sent it to her that it looked like a cut and paste job. I never noticed that, all I was concerned about was this “it seems like you missed out on the experience of a caring mother that responded to your needs, I imagine that this neglectful and abandoning behaviour must have been really hard” I wish to god I could upload my home movies, both my sons were happy, full of laughter, cheeky, hard work but a pleasure to be with and I was always with them, I enjoyed their company. It's like a stab in my heart and my back when I see that kind of utter lies and crap from him. If he will not be honest he will never get the right help.

I dislocated two ribs after having bad coughing spasms. My god the pain of it was horrendous. Nothing can be done except via a physiotherapist but at €55 a session I have no chance of affording that.

Walking down a spiral staircase at work when I side stepped a huge bumble bee and fell to the bottom, slapping my left hand hard on the floor at the bottom. I knew from the shape of my wrist that I'd broken it and no one was there to help me. It took me a few minutes to shuffle my ass to grab the bannister and haul myself upright then I screamed with the pain. I have never known anything like it. No one was in the building which was unusual but I got my phone and rang 999 to find out where the nearest hospital was but screamed the place down as I instinctively tried to hold my phone with my broken wrist hand. An ambulance turned up and they laughed as I repeatedly said “mammy, mammy, mammy” even tho I normally curse like a navvy. I was 3 hours at the hospital. I've broken both bones in my wrist and “also have a money shot of a floating bone splinter” that they're worried about. A half plaster cast was put on and my very small fingers resembled very fat sausages. I didn't know how the fuck I was going to manage at home on my own with only one hand to use. The only time I cried was when I couldn't let my poor dog out of the back door when I got back because you need to hold the handle up before you can turn the key to unlock the door. I had to go back to the hospital 2 weeks later and thankfully the splintered bone had not moved so no need for any operation. Had a full plaster cast put on as the swelling had gone down. When I got the cast off I had to go for physiotherapy, my arm did not feel like mine and was so skinny compared to my right arm. The physio bloke asked me if I'd ever had a dexa scan, I told him no, he told me I needed one.

Been talking to the oldest friends I have in the UK since 1982. They have known my sons since they were born and cannot believe what happened with them. No one saw it coming and certainly not me.

I've converted all my home videos into MP4's. One day my sons will get them and will realise what a happy childhood they did have up till we moved to Ireland in 2002.

Hospital for a DEXA scan. I thought it would just be on my wrist but it wasn't, It was on my spine and my hips. I was given the results straight away. I have 4 vertebrae that has Osteoporosis and the rest have Osteopenia. I was told I could already have spine fractures because I've had awful back pain for years, something goes snap and I get severe muscle spasms. I asked the man, what do I do now, he said discuss it with your GP.

I rang the Osteoporosis help line and spoke to a lovely knowledgeable woman. She told me what I need to do. Request full 4 page Dexa scan with images and individual score results from the hospital and send to their Professor, get a full blood works done then make an appointment with the professor for all results.

Respiratory Clinic appointment. My Bronchitis is now 10% better and is now 70%. Great news but they also did a new lung test on the Alveoli of my lungs which was only 63% so not enough oxygen is getting into my lungs. I was told “you could be on oxygen this time next year”

Appointment with the Osteoporosis Professor. She was lovely. She told me I'm not absorbing nutrients, that I am celiac and must have a wheat and gluten free diet from now on. Further X Ray is needed on wrist, she thinks I have triangular fibrocartilage complex as I should not still be having any wrist pain. She said I should not be working “you'll know all about it if you fracture your spine, you could end up in a wheel chair so no bending forwards, no lifting, no twisting, no carrying heavy weights” Need spine x-ray done as Dexa scan was flat and not from the side. Very low Vitamin D levels, only 40% and should be around 80%, need to take liquid Vit D for 5 weeks then twice a year injections for life.

I went to see my GP, he said “it's up to you if you want to stop working, it's your choice” He did not allay any of my fears at all.

I did cry when I got home. I do not want to lose my independence. Then I thought: I came into this world kicking and screaming and I will go out of it the same way.

Another GP appointment to get spine x-ray results. My vertebrae have “no acute fractures but do have narrowing and wedging which is why it feels like something has snapped before the severe muscle spasms start”

Walking home from my evening job and started coughing and my rib went pop again and I screamed with the pain. Had to walk home taking baby steps. I am sick of having pain.

Had to go and see the osteopath, what a miracle worker. He told me it's the nerves running down my spine causing my ribs and muscles such terrible pain and that's what has pushed my ribs out. He worked on the nerves running down my spine and the relief was pure bliss

My lovely friend invited me to her house for Xmas. I declined telling her that Xmas is for families. Xmas just makes me sad now so I do not celebrate it any more plus I no longer have a family.

2018

I have not seen my two sons for 5 years now. The pain of it doesn't hurt as bad one day but the next day I can be in tatters and not fit at all to leave the house. I'm still working at my evening job and just take heavy duty painkillers when my ribs pop out as they do often now. Sometimes all you can do is just get on with it and I do but mentally and emotionally I took the hardest battering and I know I will never recover from it. No one knows what it's really like to be me because I do not tell them. I put on my chirpy voice, my smiling face and the comedienne in me comes to the fore when I interact with others, which is just my three close girl friends now and my long standing friend who never failed me.

People can be told they have a fractured bone but it's actually a break and that's the magic of vocabulary, people may think a fracture isn't as serious as a break but it's the same thing. I never once in my life heard anyone say someone has a fractured heart, it's always called a broken heart and when you have one you will know all about it. The pain of any broken bone is nothing in comparison to a broken heart.

When you are emotionally broken, it's fantastic if you can put yourself together again or if you can get professional help to do so but it hasn't worked for me and by god I have tried everything to put myself back together again. Maybe some people cannot be put back together again.

It's not just one thing that breaks a person but all it can take is that one final thing that can break the camels back.

I spent many, many years hypothetically looking over my shoulder for the next explosion, the next fear, the next worry, the next spite, the next mind game, the next threat of violence, the next actual violence, the next overdose, the next self harm, the next throwing of all venom verbally into my face and ears so no wonder my emotional health is so fragile and in tatters. I can only liken this mad roller coaster to a washing machine. The wash cycle goes round normally but then it goes into a spin and you wait and you cope and you hope that the spin cycle stops so that the normal cycle can start again. That is my explanation for 23 years of my life with an ex and my two sons, so even strong people can break.

I am so damaged and irreparable now and I no longer do anything of importance at all despite my numerous qualifications. It's not that I'm lazy and do not want to, it's because I am fearful of anything and everything but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I still have a big mouth. I would still go out of my way to protect what is termed as “the underdog” I am still kind to people who are homeless or begging, I am still a muppet or a mug when it comes to a sob story but these are people on the periphery and not in my immediate sphere. It's my immediate sphere that I protect and let no one in to and never will. I have been without an intimate relationship now for 13 years. I rejected male attention firstly because of my sons and their needs and now I reject male attention because of my sons and their awful treatment of me. I am destined to be alone because I never, ever want to be hurt or feel fear ever again. I am in constant fight or flight mode, there is no in between. The work I do is stress free and gives me a goal to leave the house but apart from that and to get food shopping I do not leave the house at all. What should have been my sanctuary since I first moved here in 2010 became my prison now it's my self made prison. How warped is that and all my own fault but I do not know how to get out of this mess. It was man made now it's woman made (me)

So what has been the point of writing all of this and by God it has taken me years, they are journals after all written year by year. Firstly it is a TRUE record of all those years followed by my thoughts and feelings of the TRUE facts. Secondly to show that strong people who are assertive and strong can still be ripe for abuse be it by a spouse, your children, so called professionals, the court system, by anyone. You just need to recognise it and take steps to get out before it affects your total health.

Why do absent parents get away with so much, how can they live with themselves when I could not live with myself and I did everything in my power to keep us together until I could do no more.

If I had an epitaph I think it would say “shy but acts confident, is kind and generous, loves people, very talkative, chatty and friendly to everyone, a fighter, laughs hard and loud, saw humour in most things, a decent run of the mill person who loved and grabbed life by the balls, singing and dancing along the way”

I realise now that there was nothing strong about me at all, I just became combative whenever I was promised supports and services or was lied to or lied about.

I will never know if Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations were implemented if our lives would have been different at all. But I do know if my eldest had, had his own space with me near him in separate living quarters, I would not have had the total emotional breakdown I did have and my youngest would have had a relaxed and more stable home environment but I shall never know because the powers that be did nothing about it.

There must be something flawed in me that I cannot move on from all that happened but by god I did try.

I failed my children. They also failed me.

I never got any answer from Gheel or the HSE or any other agency re all my questions about the Family Support Plan, not even thru my Freedom of Information requests posted to the HSE.

I have been on DCC housing exchange list for 5 years now. My GP and Cross care sent letters to them explaining my, by now, self isolation and I had visits with their housing officer but still I am here. I never go out now except to my part time job and once a week for shopping. I cannot do my volunteering any more because my physical health is shot to pieces.

My emotional health is kind of fine when I'm out of the house but even just travelling to work, my thoughts alone can set me off and silent tears fall still. So I feel pretty useless most of the time.

Some parts of these journals are not pretty to read. I see all my faults in them, I didn't realise that most of the time I was just a basket case since 2005 or perhaps beforehand with all that ex crazy fuckers shenanigans thru out the marriage so I was falling apart at the seams, just grateful to have got thru another crisis, dusting myself down and getting on with things the best way I knew how to and I hold my hands up to that because I'm no saint but the HSE and Gheel are sinners having left my family to destruct whilst they sat back and did jack shit.

It's just as well none of us has a crystal ball to see into the future. I would never have believed my life would pan out like this.

I do not know in this month of September 2018 if my two sons are alive or dead.