1st August
Awake at 5.30am again. On the 9am bus to Tesco to collect eldests money and bank it in the Credit Union, the weather is just awful, the rain cannot come down hard enough. I got a big shop because walking is agony. I sent a text to eldest to let him know when I was on my way back and both he and youngest came to the front door to carry the shopping bags in for me and told me to sit down and my youngest made me a cup of tea. Eldest said “I never knew what it meant when I heard or read that pain could be seen on someone's face but I know what it means now because I can see your face is all screwed up with pain” he then said “I need the living room to read in” so youngest carried my mug of tea up to my bedroom for me. My ankle was throbbing. Youngest heated up the wheat bag for me and was a great help to me.
Edel from Gheel rang “I'm sending a letter out to eldest about sending a support worker into the house, we want you to provide a key so he can let himself in” this did not sit right with me at all. They have changed it from Paul to Darragh now. How the hell is eldest going to feel if he walks downstairs and there's a complete stranger standing in my house. Fucking crazy this is.
Eldest is in very bad mood.
2nd August
A letter from Gheel came addressed to my eldest. He didn't say a word about it and I know he's not in the mood today, this is not good timing and he shouted “I do not want anyone coming into the house but Gheel are not fucking listening to you or to me” I told him “I will sort it” he screamed “you sort fucking nothing for me” I locked myself in my bedroom in case of an explosion and sent Edel from Gheel a text and also to the outreach number. I got a text reply from Gheel's outreach phone, it was Marlene asking me did I want her to phone me, I replied yes and she rang and said “Paul has gone home and is not back until Monday and it's good that eldest can express his thoughts and views to you about the meetings” I said “why wouldn't he” she said “I will let Paul know that eldest does not want to meet him any more”
Eldest said “you have to take my new diet seriously, all I'm going to eat is steak, lamb and meat” I told him “you will have to pay for it yourself as I cannot afford it. He said “off course" He asked me to cut his hair and said me he sent me an email. I told him I'd already got his email. When I did see my son's email I thought at first it was from the ex and I started shaking just seeing his name and I was shocked that man still had an effect of fear on me after all these years. I cut my eldests hair and he's happy with it.
I told youngest I was going into town, he said he wasn't up for it then said okay he'll come. I gave him €20 because there is nothing worse than walking around town with no money. He said he wanted to buy a bottle of Southern Comfort. We went into a games shop but it was full of teens all sitting around and I could feel his discomfort, he told me he didn't want to stay, I felt bad for him.
3rd August
Eldest told me he's feeling dizzy and ill, I told him he may have caught the illness I had. He said his online mate has looked into Aero Space Engineering and he would love that too but he needs 5 good A level passes but he wants to do UK exams.
I asked youngest if he would please come up to Tesco with me to help me carry the shopping, he said “when I get my own money I will not be going anywhere with you, I’ll be living my own life and I wont be your slave”
4th August My email to Edel from Gheel
“Hi Edel, Sorry to bother you on a Saturday but I'm concerned about eldest and the outreach visits. He is very anxious this morning as he was told that the next visit is based around putting together a CV, he said "I'v fuk all to put on a CV as I'v done fuk all" He said all he is interested at the moment is the CBT, " honestly only interested in fixing anxiety but all they're interested in is education and employment" I think it's a case of expectations of eldest running before he can walk, he obviously has not helped matters by not speaking up for himself, but he will not do so to anyone else unless he is stressed out to the Max and I do not want this to happen. Also Paul wants to come to house next Saturday, it's the only day I do not get up at 6am and run about like a blue ass flea so I am not happy about this, eldest just received a text from Paul and asked me to reply, I said no and asked eldest to ask Paul to ring me. This may all seem trivial (but if eldest is anxious then so am I) but after all these years and him now actually meeting someone I do not want it to go wrong and eldest again retreating. It may also be the realisation that things are moving along that is making him more anxious and he is not ready for it all. In the meantime can the emphasis please just be to get his anxiety sorted thru CBT as per his request. Again sorry for bothering you”
5th August
I'm feeling very resentful because I'm tied to the kitchen with this new diet of eldests. he went mad shouting at me “How thick and stupid are you, you got me wheat bran instead of oat bran and you've fucking done that on purpose” He frightened the fucking life out of me shouting like that. I jumped at him shouting at me so unexpectedly that it took a few seconds for his actual words to sink into my brain, I told him “bloody grow up” but what I should have done and what I wanted to do was open up the bloody bag of bran and pour it right over his head, the pure cheek of him shouting at me like that. He then said “you should be doing more research about this diet so that you get it right” I could happily fucking throttle him. One day I will bloody record him so he hears exactly how he talks to me and what he says, the arrogant, horrible mouth on him. He brings me down so low, the two of them do.
Neuralgia is back in my head and face and it's so painful.
Eldest is back in a strange old mood again for a change, (sarcasm) he did not touch the turkey I cooked for his lunch and he did not eat the steak I made him for his dinner. I tried to find out what's wrong with him, he had his sulky voice on, he told me to go away. When I asked him outright why he had not eaten what I stood and made for him and what is costing him a small fortune, he looked at me with a disgusted look on his face and said “it's like tearing the flesh off an animal and eating it and it makes me feel sick so I do not want this diet any more” So why did he not tell me all this earlier in the day instead of always being angry and putting my freaking nerves on edge.
8th August
Text from Edel from Gheel re my email about my eldest wanting only his anxiety fixed first. She then rang me “Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell is on holiday for the whole of August and any CBT has to be supervised by him but Deirdre also does CBT so I will email her and see if she has a slot free but eldest will have to go down to Gheel” I asked “what good is that because to get him out of the house he will be doped out of his head on Xanax just to get across the threshold so how will CBT work for him” She replied not answering my question at all “do not tell him till I have a definite date” I asked her “has Paul brought back my eldests book yet because he is always asking me about it” she said “not yet but I will get it from him and give it back to you for him”
Text from Edel from Gheel re my email about my eldest wanting only his anxiety fixed first. She then rang me “Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell is on holiday for the whole of August and any CBT has to be supervised by him but Deirdre also does CBT so I will email her and see if she has a slot free but eldest will have to go down to Gheel” I asked “what good is that because to get him out of the house he will be doped out of his head on Xanax just to get across the threshold so how will CBT work for him” She replied not answering my question at all “do not tell him till I have a definite date” I asked her “has Paul brought back my eldests book yet because he is always asking me about it” she said “not yet but I will get it from him and give it back to you for him”
Call from the hospital asking me “can eldest go in for his operation to remove his gall bladder on Monday or Wednesday” I said “yes but I'll need to know the exact day and time” the man said he'll call me back shortly. He rang me back after an hour and said “bring eldest in on Thursday to the ward at 2pm” I sent Edel from Gheel a text about it, she replied “Thursday is a strange day to take him in so I'm going to call the hospital and find out for certain” I told my eldest and he was hopping about saying “we have to get organised for it” I said “wait till Edel from Gheel calls us back”
10th August
My laptop is dead.
Went to the hospital with eldest to get his bloods done prior to his operation. He coped very well, he even came into the hospital cafe with me and ate sausage rolls. He said “I always feels fine with Xanax in me” I said “we need to try and get you to feel fine without any medication”
When we got home there was a letter for me from social welfare saying that if I do not provide bank statements for the past 6 months within 21 days then my claim will be cancelled. That is unbelievable, the banks are still messed up. I rang the branch and talked to the manager, he is such a lovely man, he said they're still having problems but he will do a print out for me and he will sign it. I said youngest will probably need the same thing. The manager said they do not have our new address for my youngest so he will have some form signing to get done first and once that has been done and sent back then he will update his account for him.
10th August
Met Edel from Gheel in Tesco cafe, she won't be around the day eldest goes into hospital so Darragh Byrne will be her stand in.
Met Edel from Gheel in Tesco cafe, she won't be around the day eldest goes into hospital so Darragh Byrne will be her stand in.
13th August
My youngests forms from Ulster bank arrived, I had to fill them in for him because he said he was “too tired” to do it. I told him I had to get it sent of to the Disability Sector by registered post today and needed him to come with me to carry the rucksack after I got them shopping in because I would be buying two bottles of juice and 2lts of milk, he said “no, you do it yourself” I was fuming and told him I will not not be posting anything off for him the lazy bollix that he is, all he had to do was sign the frigging thing because I had filled the rest in for him and he could not come and help me. I left it on the fireplace.
14th August
The hospital rang at 2.12pm and told me that a bed would be available from 6pm tonight for my eldest. I rang the ward to confirm they know I would be staying with him and told the nurse that he would “have Xanax in him before we left the house” she said “okay, you'll be in Room 4” I asked her “can we come in a bit later” she said “yes, no problem” I sent Edel from Gheel a text then told my eldest. He got into the bath whilst I got everything packed. I had such a rush getting to the shop too so that all my youngest would need whilst I was at the hospital was in for him and I also put money on the fireplace for any emergency and a long list of what he had to make sure was done, the cats and dog fed and watered at all times, the curtains closed at night, the lights off downstairs and the back door locked and the windows shut.
The taxi came at 6.10pm and we got to the hospital at 6.30pm, we had to get to the 4th floor. I went to the nurses station and gave the Nurse all documents and what they should know about Aspergers, she was lovely.
The room was small but he had his own toilet. Neither me or eldest could sleep, it was a very strange environment. Eldest told me to go into the bed and he would take the chair for a while so I got some sleep for 90 minutes. The nurse woke me up at 5.30am to tell me that they couldn't find my eldests notes or his blood results from last Thursday so it meant he would not be taken down to the theatre first as we had been told because they would have to wait till the office opened at 9am to get his file and blood results.
A doctor came in and had to hand write all that was needed because no file had been found. My eldest said he wanted the cannula put into his hand now and not later as the anticipation of it was making him anxious so the doctor did it for him. More staff in the room, more questions, more prodding then eldest had to sign a consent form, both me and eldest asked for reassurance that they would ensure he was definitely asleep with the anaesthetic and they assured us they would.
Eldest went down to the theatre at 9.30am. I went with him, his bed was put into the recovery ward whilst the staff waited for the theatre to be ready, eldest told me to go, he said he was fine and would be fine. I started silently crying, the enormity of him having an operation hit me like a tonne of bricks, I was so scared for him, thinking what if the anaesthetic did not work, what if he felt every incision, what if he didn't wake up, what if he stopped breathing, what if he died, I don't think anyone needs to drive me insane as my worried head will do it myself. I was just so worried for him, I still see him as the baby I gave birth to and see him in my arms, I do not think that ever leaves a mother, not even when senility takes a mind, mothers will always remember that.
I left and sat in the chapel and said a prayer that he would be fine then went back to the room. I sat on a chair and laid my head on the bed and tried to shut my eyes because I was so tired.
Some bloke came into the room and said he was the bed manager and they had a bed shortage so he was putting eldest onto the ward when he returned from his surgery. I said “that's not going to happen, he was given this room for a very good reason and I have to stay with him which is why he's got a room of his own” the man asked me “is that really necessary” I was worried sick about my son who at that moment in time was having a major operation. I was tired thru lack of sleep and non stop crisis and stress the past Christ knows how many months, years. I had been stuck in a small space with my eldest since 6.30pm yesterday, I was worried sick about my youngest, the past few months have been the worse of my life with my youngest shenanigans and this twat was asking me if it was really necessary that I stayed with my eldest. I lost my temper with him.
I told him, “my son was given this room of his own specifically so I can remain with him in this hospital so I'm staying with him and no one is going to make us do otherwise. I'm not staying in this hospital because I'm bored and have nothing better to do and my son is not going onto any ward so I suggest you take yourself out and read my son's file if it's been found yet and read the documents I brought in with me explaining my sons condition of Aspergers Syndrome because I do not have the patience to explain anything to you” He said “I have personal experience of Autism and do not believe that you not being here will do much harm” I said “you have no experience at all regards my son, you do not know my son so please go and read the documents I brought in” He said “we need this room” I said “you're not getting it, my son needs it so get out and leave me alone” and I burst into tears. All I could think of was my eldest and this operation and the potential of him freaking out if he woke up in a ward not more than a foot away from complete strangers and how I knew he would feel contaminated being next to those strangers, it would happen over my dead body. I sent the Gheel outreach number a text, a man called Travis rang me and I was crying down the phone to him, he didn't know us but said he recognised our name, he said he would get Darragh Byrne to call me. I said “it needs to be now because it's urgent, they are trying to put my eldest on a ward and he's not even out of surgery yet”
I waited ten minutes and no call came. I sent Edel from Gheel a text, she wasn't working but rang me straight away then got on to the ward staff for me. I was in bits thru lack of sleep, worry about eldest and the abuse he'd given me all night long as per his norm. I went out to the nurses station and not one of them lifted their heads to acknowledge me and I was in floods of tears. A nurse walked out from another room and took my hand and took me back into the room. I told her what just happened and said “my son will freak and if he freaks out then so will I because I cannot cope with him when he gets like that” she said “Edel from Gheel has been on the phone to us and I have to track down the bed manager and Edel is hanging on the phone now waiting to talk to him and she has explained everything to me and I am so sorry I was too busy to stall the bed manager myself and stop this unwarranted stress to you”
Edel then rang my mobile, she said “the bed manager had no right to corner you like that and you were right to refuse because your eldest has rights, I have spoken to him and he's making a big fuss about cross infection if eldest goes back to the room after his operation. I told him that your eldests very specific and special needs must come first” She said “keep me posted”
The bed manager came back into the room, he said “I have sorted out the bed issue now” and asked “do you want anything to eat” I said “no all I want is to know if my son is safe and okay because he's been gone for 3 hours now and I was told it would only take one hour” He said he would go and find out, he returned after ten minutes and said “he is fine and in recovery and will be up soon but I think that you should eat something” and he called a catering porter into the room and told him “get this woman anything she wants” the man asked “would you like a sandwich and a cup of tea” so I said “yes please” and he went to get it.
I could hear my eldest come back before I seen him, he was chatting like a budgie to the porters and laughing and saying “it was a piece of piss” meaning the operation. I knew it was the after effects of the anaesthetic. As he was wheeled back into the room he was telling me loudly that the bloke who put him to sleep was Scottish, he was laughing about that. But as soon as the room was empty of the porters who wheeled him in, his mood changed completely. He said “I wish I had died during the operation and don't you fucking touch me, get out” he was then talking very nastily about my youngest, he said “I hope he hits a fucking artery the next time he cuts himself because I hate him and he's just a pussy fucking attention seeker, he always has been and he always will be, you should be kicking it out of him and should have done it when he was younger and he might not be like he is now, he's always acted like a little girl and the reason he's cutting his own flesh with razors is because of you because you've been far too soft on him”
I wanted to walk out and leave him to get on with hospital life on his own. I was absolutely disgusted with him, instead I told him “stop wasting your energy on hatred for your brother. I wished I could have photographed his face because as he said all those things about my youngest, his face was twisted, ugly and contorted with venom and hatred, it was disturbing to see, it's disturbing that he's my son and was talking like this about my other son, his own brother.
There was no way I could sit in the confined space with him like that. I told him “if you continue talking and acting like you are then I will walk out, I am wrecked with tiredness on only 90 minutes sleep so quit or I walk” He then said again “I wish I was dead, I want to jump out of the window” I wanted to slap his self pity out of him, what he needed was to be taken to a children’s cancer ward and see kids who are terminally ill, that might have shook him out of his self pity. It's not the after effects of the anaesthetic talking at all because he's always bloody like this when he's high on anything.
I sent a text to the Gheel outreach phone, despite having been told by Travis that Darragh Byrne would call me, he didn't. I sent a text saying “I cannot cope with him alone, I've had 90 minutes sleep and I'm going to get the nurse to contact a social worker and I will walk out and not let eldest return home at all because he is consumed with hatred about youngest and telling me so and threatening to jump out of the window from 4 floors up so I ain't taking this”
I told eldest I was going home to get a bath and check on youngest and asked him did he want anything whilst I was gone. He was in a big sulking mood with a horrible sneer on his face, he just turned his head away from me and did not say anything in reply, I said “so that's a no then” and I walked out. I went to tell the nurses station I was going home to get a bath and to get changed and to keep eye on him and warned the nurse that he's in a very bad mood. Normally when my eldest would not answer me I would have stayed put and jollied him along or changed the subject but fuck me, I am drained beyond any sensible reasoning so sod him.
I sent my youngest a text telling him I'm pissed off, tired and miserable and ready for strangling my eldest because he had reverted back to his usual horrible persona but not in front of any staff and I'm coming home to have a bath and get changed. I jumped into a taxi.
Youngest, god love him had a cup of tea waiting for me, the house was all lovely and clean and tidy and smelling lovely, he had fed the animals, I gave him a huge hug and kiss and said thank you and filled him in about eldests loss of files and blood results and nearly losing the room and his operation and how he was laughing his head off when the porters wheeled him into the room but then changed so quickly into a hateful mood that it was frightening and now he wants to die and saying he is going to throw himself out of the 4th floor window and I have informed Gheel I cannot cope and still had no reply from them.
Once I bathed and got ready I got youngest to come up to Tesco with me by taxi so he could get his diet coke, cakes, sweets and phone credit to tide him over for couple of days because I had no clue how long this hospital stay would be. I dropped youngest back home then was back up at the hospital by 3pm and dreading returning to it.
Eldest was still in rotten mood when I got back in his room, he shouted “you took your fucking time, I'm feeling sick and I want it fucking gone now” I told him “quit shouting or you will be thrown out” he shouted back at me “I don't fucking care just like you don't fucking care about me, you went off and left me” I told him “you knew fine well where I was, home for a bath and to get changed and to check on youngest and get him some bits as he's home alone and I asked you did you need anything but you just ignored me” he growled “do not do that again” He started shouting again “I'm feeling sick and you need to go and get how I feels sorted out with the nurses now” I left the room to speak to the nursing staff and they said that his injection was supposed to last him for 8 hours, I told them “he has a high threshold for meds and injections and the only thing that worked before for him was pethidine and I won't get a minutes peace until he's pain free” A nurse came in and gave him an injection of Buscupan but he was still moaning non stop and crying off and on. I knew he was about to lose it big time. I walked out with the nurse and said to her “tell the bed manager that the room will soon be free because I'm going to bloody kill him if he carries on like this and I'm sorry for his behaviour towards you” she laughed and said “the bed manager will be over the moon to get the room back and I don't know how you've lasted so long in such a small space with your son and his shouting and cursing at you and the way he talks to you, we can all hear him and feel so sorry for you and we're so grateful that you're in the hospital with him because we'd be unable to cope with him and all our other patients too but I wish he would tone the language down because if the nurses station can hear him then so can the other patients and it's not fair on the elderly patients who would not be able for his kind of language” I was mortified on hearing that.
I rang Gheels outreach phone and Darragh Byrne answered. I asked him “where in gods name is the call I was told was coming, I've just told the nurse I'm going to bloody kill my eldest and they are witnesses to how he is because I've just been told they can all hear him and they don't know how I'm coping with him” Darragh Byrne said “I will come straight to the hospital and you should get out of the room and go and get a cup of tea away from him”
Eldest said “I want something light to eat” I went to the cafe and got him pancakes and lucozade and was standing at the lifts and saw Darragh Byrne and my eldests SHO Doctor. I told the doctor “I'm ready for murdering my eldest, I think if his pain was under control he would feel much better and act much better” the doctor said “I will talk to the nurses when I go back up”
Darragh came up to eldests room with me. I asked him not to tell my eldest I had contacted him or he would go nuts at me. Eldest sipped on the Lucozade and was sick three times whilst Darragh was there. A team of doctors then came in, one of them said to another “poor mum was on the floor last night so she's not getting any sleep and has another son at home exactly the same so if eldest could be given something to relax him and let him sleep then perhaps mum here could get a bit of a break too” I told them “I had 90 minutes sleep in the bed and I have Xanax in my bag but for some reason my eldest said he won't take them, normally he would be munching them down like Smarties but no amount of cajoling from me or Darragh will budge him into taking them” The doctor then said “please take them and I will also give you a sleeping tablet to try and take the edge of your pain which will allow you to get some rest” eldest ignored us all, he was in moaning mode, he said “I'm too hot, I want my fan from my bedroom, I want my own pillows and my own anti sickness tablets” The doctors said “you should be listening to our advice for your recovery” eldest ignored them. I said “I'm sorry about him being like this” All I got were pitying looks. They told him “if you change your mind then just let the nursing staff know”
I sent youngest a text “I'm going to have a hairy fit with eldests shenanigans. Can you get his fan, pillows and stomach meds from his room into the living room for me as I need to come home and get them for him” I told my eldest “I'm going home to get your things and would like to be in my own bed for the night and will come back in the morning because I'm struggling with the lack of sleep, will you be okay with me doing this” he shouted “no” I said “do you want me to stay with you for the night” he roared “do what you fucking like”
I went to the nurses station and said “I've got to go home for an hour, can he be given something to relax him whilst I'm gone, he'll be less likely to put up a fight if I'm not around because if he doesn't get something for pain I'm going to seriously struggle to cope with another night on the floor with him in this mood” They said “we will do something and don't rush back, we'll make sure he's okay”
I got another taxi home, not a penny in rent or bills have I paid because of all this expense. Youngest couldn't find the stomach meds in my eldests room so I found them, he already put the fan and pillows in a black sack for me. I got my jumper from my bedroom and couldn't help but lie down on top of my bed, my eyes were so heavy with lack of sleep. Youngest lay down beside me and said “I love having the house empty and all to myself and when I get my own place I will always have it empty” I just let him talk, he gave me a hug. I dragged myself out of my room, I really just wanted to sleep. Another taxi up to the hospital, I bought chocolates and tea cakes for the night staff. When I handed them over it was the lovely nurse who was on duty last night, she told me “I gave him a sleeping tablet and we're going to find you a reclining chair to get some sleep on and we'll bring it into the room for you” They did and I was so grateful, it was exactly like the one I had when we lived in London, it went back like a bed so I jumped on it at 9pm to get some sleep when eldest woke and said that he was hungry. The staff said I could use the staff kitchen so I made eldest some toast, he got up to use the loo so that was a good sign of him recovering as it was the first time he had used the toilet after his operation. I nearly set the staff kitchen on fire, there was smoke everywhere because I didn't know the toaster was on a timer for 10 minutes, I thought it would just pop up as normal, a nurse came in and opened a window for me.
A nurse came in to check eldests legs for swelling and asked him where his surgical socks were, he'd pulled them off earlier in temper so she told him he would have to have a blood thinning injection in his stomach and he had to keep the new pair of socks on that she got for him.
I fell asleep on the chair from midnight till 5.30am when a nurse came into the room to remove eldests cannula but she forgot he'd been given a blood thinning injection so his blood spurted everywhere. I cleaned him up then his room then packed what I could in the hopes that we would get home today. I made him more toast then I went outside for fresh air.
A woman was sitting at the bus stop in a wheel chair at 6am, her name was V and she was drunk but lovely. She told me she'd tried to hang herself but all it did was make her paralysed from the waist down so she's now stuck in hospital till they could figure out where she can now live, she said she has two kids who now live with her ex and she only hit her rock bottom when she found out that her ex was having a baby with someone else but she thought they were happy and would last forever. She gave me her phone number and told me I was funny and easy to talk to. God love her.
Back up to the hospital room and a team of doctors came round at 8.30am, I heard one tell the students “stay outside as no students are allowed in this room” three doctors came in and asked eldest “how are you now” and checked his wound of three incisions, they said “we will now discharge him but you have to wait for a prescription for him and fresh bandages” We got out at 9.45am and on leaving the room and for everyone to hear my eldest told me “you're a fat bastard who should stop eating chocolate and exercise more” He is so hateful. We got a taxi home, eldest was walking all hunched up, he must be in agony.
When we got back youngest was hoovering the bathroom. I said “thank you son, go and ask eldest how he is” he said “why should I, he will only bite my head of” I helped eldest up to his bed then lay in my own bed and slept for an hour.
I went to bed at 9pm for a full nights sleep but eldest came and knocked on my door 5 times till midnight “I want money on my 02 card tomorrow” then “I want Xanax to help me sleep” then “I want you to take me out every day so I can get used to it” then “I'm going to read all night long” then “I cannot sleep” I wanted to strangle him. I got 4 hours sleep thanks to eldest.
17th August
Eldest asked me at 8.30am “is it okay for me to go to the local park and read my kindle for half an hour” I told him “there are no benches” he said “I will sit on the grass” and he walked out the door which surprised me. He came back after 15 minutes, and asked me “why do you never take me out, why is it always youngest you have with you when you go to the shop” I said “youngest travels on the bus with me and you've not been on a bus in 10 years and I cannot afford the taxi's you always want me to get” He said “I want to come with you” and gave me a long list of instructions that I have to abide with, top of the list was “you don't do anything that draws attention to us” we got the 10.30am bus but he didn't want to put the money into the ticket machine “in case I fuck it up” he then said “I'm not nervous at all” He should have asked me how I felt as I would have told him my bloody nerves are shattered.
Went into the doctor to change his hospital prescription, then up to Tesco and then the Credit Union getting the money out that he wanted. I asked him how many Xanax he took, he told me 8 x .25mg. I wasn't happy about that, no wonder he wasn't nervous, he was high as a kite. He said he wanted to go into the cafe with me but “you have to order for me, I only want to eat porridge for a few days” but he ate a full breakfast in the cafe. We got a taxi home and he said he was wrecked tired.
Edel from Gheel sent a text to see if it was okay to ring me but I had to tell her no as eldest was with me but I replied if she could tell me a time that she could ring me, I would take my dog out so I would be free to talk in private, which she did at 1pm.
I told her “I do not know how much longer I am expected to carry on like this, in future all and any hospital appointment’s etc I won't be going to because only I get the hammer on the brain verbally from eldest and I'm not fit for it any longer” she said “you need a complete break” I always hear that but no break comes. I told her “he has a hospital appointment in 6 weeks time so can Gheel sort this out because I will not be going” she said “yes and Deirdre has an appointment for him on Monday at 2.30pm for CBT” I said “I'm not going with him” she said “we will collect him and bring him back”
I told my eldest about Edel telling me about his CBT appointment and he said “I'm fine, I don't need it any more” I said “at least try it, your getting it for free and it costs a fortune” he said “okay” Thank god.
Youngest has been great looking after the house and the animals and cleaning for me but he is hardly leaving his room again and seems very down, he'll probably tell me what's up when he is ready I suppose.
I keep going to bed and sleeping for an hour then waking up again, I want to run away, have a good night out, get pissed and have a laugh but it's not going to happen.
18th August
Eldest had his first bath since his operation, he said “I'm gutted I could not keep my gall bladder or gall stones in a jar for myself” His wounds look very clean and neat.
Youngest was awake early but said he'd not had much sleep at all. Eldest came to the local shop with me and he stumbled and nearly knocked down all the shops flower display, he said “I did not see them” I knew he must have had far too many Xanax again. He told me “I've bought a second hand iPhone and want to get a motor bike like dad used to have, why can't we move back to the UK and rent somewhere over there” I said “because I have no money and we have no passports”
Youngest told me “I will sort my own food from now on” but he didn't because he gets far too distracted on his laptop. I made mini pizza's and he ate them and was chatting away to me about all the course he's going to do.
Eldest is now walking to the shop with me almost every morning but he will not come inside the shop, he sits on the bench outside with my dog and reads his Kindle.
20th August
Eldest attended Gheel for CBT, he was out of his head on medication, he will never remember anything that takes place, there no sense in Gheel at all.
Two legal letters arrived because youngest had not taken his books back to the library. I had to phone them up, they said just get the books back and they will wipe what he owes. Thank God.
22nd August
Worried about my youngest, he's staying in bed for far too long during the day and night, I hardly see him and he's not talking much at all.
25th August
I started my Divorce in Default of Defence file, I have paperwork on every square inch of the floor, my head is spinning with it all. I cannot get my head around it at all, it will all probably be a complete waste of time.
Hospital letter arrived for eldest, he's to attend on 25th September to get his wounds checked. I have to say they have healed very well, there is hardly a mark on him.
29th August
Eldest came up to Tesco with me, I collected his money and handed him €100 and had to bank the rest for him and he flipped at me in public and refused to take it, “don't you dare hand me that fucking money in front of everyone, you are just trying to embarrass me in public” I told him “no one gives a monkeys about you because people have their own worries and life to deal with” he shouted at me “shut the fuck up” I could gladly punch his face in.
Youngest was still in bed at 1.30pm. I rang the doctor for his prescription.
I feel like screaming the place down.
Call from Disability Allowance who said youngest is entitled to it (after refusing him not once but twice, why put people thru that) a letter will be sent out to him in a few days. I went to tell youngest thinking that at last this would give him something to smile about and be happy about but oh no, all he could do was moan that his bank account is inactive. I rang the Branch but the girl said she needed to talk to youngest herself, Youngest comes down and took the phone but he did not say much in response at all. He told me “she's confusing me and I don't know what it all means” I said “give me the phone” and I asked her to explain what she just told youngest because he wasn't taking in the information. She said “an activation code will be sent by post so he does not need to worry about his bank account”
30th August
Eldest wanted me to go to St Ann's park with him, that is such a long walk, we got lost but eventually found our way back.
Youngest had hoovered for me and done the dishes when I got back, he said “it's to thank you for all your hard work with the disability and then the appeals because I could not have done it” I was thrilled to bits about him doing that and saying that. He said he was “awake all night talking to a girl till 6am” I asked him if he would come out with me so I could buy paint because I can't carry anything heavy. He said “I'm going nowhere with you” talking away all the good feelings I had about him hoovering and doing the dishes for me. He is such a Jekyll and Hyde.
Got emulsion and painted the fire place wall in Burgundy, both boys said it “it's a mess and looks horrible” I don't see them offering a finger to help tho. Lots of noise upstairs from youngest, he said “I'm cleaning my room so I can paint it”
1st September
Eldest came to Tesco with me. I'm getting annoyed with never getting a break from either of them, being out shopping on my own is the only time I get to be myself and can chat to people but I can't with him around me, with his cloak of doom and gloom. All he does is slag me off. He said “I need Tramadol because I'm having phantom stomach pains which the hospital warned me about”
2nd September
I painted the fireplace wall with it's third coat today and it looks so much better. Youngest has hardly been seen by me, he does not want me cooking for him, he said he will sort himself out and wouldn't answer me when I asked what time he was awake till.
Eldest is in agony with phantom stomach pains, he needs me to find some painkillers. He said “I'm not meeting Deirdre from Gheel any more, I think she's strange”
3rd September
I encouraged eldest to attend Gheel and the CBT appointment and he came back absolutely raging, “ Its all your fucking fault, they will not shut up about trying to get me to do courses, they're forcing me, I'm sick of it, sick of them and fucking sick of you, I'm not interested in any courses, I would rather stack boxes somewhere and earn a living and I will not ever be going back to Gheel because they are bullies and they talk shit” He then told me “you have to invite me to come to court the next time you have to go” I think he just wants to face his father as the man he is now and not the scared little boy he was. Deep down I think me taking him to court with me is the last possible thing I want because he stresses me out day to day as it is and I would be a basket case with him at court with me. I had to explain to him that “court is like a cattle market with far too many people there and you would be left with all these people sitting on your own and I would be on a different floor entirely” He told me he wanted to go a walk round the block and I had to go with him.
I had to go off and meet Edel from Gheel in a café at Tesco. I told her about eldest, she said “he might change his mind” I said “then you do not know my son at all do you” I said “I am sick of my sons making bullets and making me fire them on their behalf but no one is going to force my son to do any course when he's had agoraphobia since 2006 and only now getting out of house because I'm taking him out myself first thing in the morning, let him make up his own mind and do not keep forcing the issue as you lot are not the ones on the tail end of all his abuse and angst, my sons make bullets they are too afraid to fire and use me to do so and I have enough to cope with getting thru each day to have anyone snapping at his heels to force him to do things you want him to do but he doesn't want to do, none of you know my sons, none of you live with them”
At 7pm eldest said “I've been forced to keep a thought journal” I said “you're an adult and no one can force you to do anything but it was probably said to help you” he said “you know fuck all and if I say I'm being forced then I am, so why do you not shut up and listen to me and from now on every time you step out the door I'm to come with you to get me out of the house” I asked him “who told you that” he said “I cannot remember” I said “get Gheel to organise for you to leave the house every day” he said “no”
I am being sucked dry by them all, I do not want him out with me every bloody day.
5th September 6.30pm
Youngest wanted to walk to the next village with me. He was arguing about nothing as is his norm. He just uses me to practice venting what he cannot say to anyone else because he has no one else. He informed me as we walked thru the park “you're a fool, you married a psychopath who was incapable of love, so why were you so stupid to love someone who could not love you and not love his kids, why did you have kids when you were married to a psychopath. Yes, you're an awesome human being but you're also a very stupid person, what does that say about you” I replied “you'll soon find out if you carry on talking to me like that because I will have a major meltdown so lets see how you will like your mother to act like you for a change” He has no idea and does not care at all how his words make me feel. He talked about when he moves out, he referred to himself as a retard, he said “I know I have many things wrong with me” then talked about his normal woe is him crap. I said “you're problem is searching for yet another label instead of figuring a way on how to live a good life” He said “that was your job to do that and you failed big time” I turned round and walked away from him as quickly as I could. He roared after me “the truth hurts doesn't it” I detest this person he's become.
10th September
Eldest was out walking with me when he said “I sent a text to Darragh Byrne saying No more CBT” I asked “can you just go because it will help you get out and meet other people slowly” He lost his temper with me. We were walking thru the park, he was shouting so loudly that people were looking at us. He was roaring “how many fucking times do I have to tell you that when I talk, you listen, why do you not fucking listen, why the fuck do you never listen” I was mortified. I wished I could disappear. I sent Edel from Gheel a text thinking I would get some support from her, instead I got a reply saying “we will hold the door open for eldest in case he ever wants to go back for CBT and it's good that he attended 3 out of 5 sessions” No it's not fucking good because it's changed nothing in him and he has just roared at me in public in front of people and I need support but that support is not coming my way. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Back in the house and eldest stormed off to his room, I shouted up at him “stay the hell away from me” I put on my laptop and my settings were all changed, the cat had sat on it because I forgot to shut it down when I went out. I called my youngest and asked him if he could help me, he was not happy about me asking him. He ranted and raved about how he wasn't a Computer Engineer and how I should be learning and fixing it myself and his cherry on top of his cake was “when I get my money I will not be doing anything for you or anyone else in this house and don't even to think about asking me” I said “go ahead and find your own place and see how long you last paying rent and bills and buying and cooking food and who the hell do you think your are talking to me like that” It took him two seconds to fix the settings on my laptop and two seconds to rip my insides apart with his viscous mouth. I said “get lost and leave me alone, I do not want you talking to me at all if all that comes out of your horrible mouth is badness and abuse to me” He stomped away back upstairs.
Eldest then popped his head around the living room door and said “I heard all youngest said and cannot believe he said all that to you” I bit my tongue because he's just as bad and appears to have forgotten all he said to me in the park. I emailed my friend because that is the only thing that is keeping me sane, venting to my friend by email.
12th September
Tesco with eldest, he said he wanted to go into the cafe, yet as soon as we went in he said “leave now, I feel too uncomfortable”
2.59pm
Call from Social Welfare to remind me “your Lone Parents has now stopped” as if I needed reminding. A lovely lady called T said “I read your file and I feel so sorry for you” She said “I don't know how you cope with the lot in life you've had to deal with” I told her “I'm not coping but there's sod all I can do about that” She said “for hardship reasons I'm going to pay you an extra weeks money to help with the transition onto carers of full half rate” I could not believe her kindness and told her “you are an angel” What an amazing lady, but what is on my file that she knows how much I'm going thru. They must have all the history but why.
13th September
Awake at 6am, checked my bank account online, I've only been paid carers allowance of €102, fuck, fuck, fuck, how am I going to manage on that for a week for both me and youngest. I give up.
Awake at 6am, checked my bank account online, I've only been paid carers allowance of €102, fuck, fuck, fuck, how am I going to manage on that for a week for both me and youngest. I give up.
Youngest asked if I would go a walk with him, I said “yes” but warned him “I'm about to crack up re finances so do not say a word out of place to me today” I went into shut down mode, it's how I cope. I feel I must have been an evil person in a previous life. How am I to pay my Rent, Bord Gais, Esb, UPC, bin charges, a weeks shopping and all on €102, I am doomed, not even Jesus Christ himself could come up with any miracle to cope with this or sort this out.
I went to bed and just cried. I have no reserves of anything in me at all any more.
14th September
I sent Edel from Gheel a text “I'm not meeting you today, my eyes are too swollen to be seen in public” She rang me and I told her about my dire financial circumstances, she said “eldest should be contributing more because if he lived on his own and had to pay rent and bills and food and clothes shopping then he would not have the funds to be spending his money on luxuries like €500 on books” She said “he should realise that you're a family and that is what families do, support and help each other out” I said “I have told you that back in the day he would not even lend me €5 for phone credit because he claimed it was his money so I would rather not be shamed into asking him for fear of his reaction as I'm feeling very vulnerable and emotional as it is” She said “he's an adult as is youngest and they both go to Tesco with you so can obviously see the price of everything and the amount you pay at the checkout each day, how do they think you’re providing for them” I said “I will think long and hard about asking him because I cannot take any rejection or spiteful remarks from him or youngest today”
16th September
I'm feeling sorry for myself. Youngest was still awake at 6am, he's not slept at all. He made me a cup of tea which was so nice of him, I love when my thoughtful, kind son is back, it means so much to me. He said “I will ask eldest for money for you” I said “don't because I want to pluck up the courage to ask him myself but not yet”
17th September
I have €6 in the bank and not a bill or any rent has been paid. How am I supposed to get thru the day never mind a week, how can social welfare call me up knowing all I have is €102 for both me and youngest to live on, why did they phone me and tell me they are paying an extra week's money due to hardship reasons and then didn't. Why is the ex getting away all these years and still not paying his maintenance. How the hell do I carry on. I cannot live like this, life is hard enough without this on top.
I had to swallow down my pride and the ring social welfare. I got an idiot with a voice of sheer boredom and not an ounce of interest or sympathy in them. “That's the rules” is what I was told. I asked for the lady T who had read the file, I got told “she's not here” but the idiot took my number. T did call me back and said “I am so sorry but are you getting any maintenance” I told her “no” she asked “why” I said “because the prick will not pay it” she said “get it into court” I told her “I've been in court numerous times per year since 2006 but for fuck knows what reason no one in the court system gives a crap about the mammy who is left holding the proverbial baby and there are no consequences despite numerous court orders and he still will not pay up”
I rang Legal Aid, I told them “I'm in court on 24th October for Divorce in Default of Defence and I need a solicitor” I was told “we are short of solicitors so you will not have one because we have a very long waiting list” I said “it looks like Ireland has now become a third world country” She told me “go to FLAC” I said “it's not legal advice I need, it's a solicitor for court” “Sorry” I was told “we can't help”
I am mentally, financially and physically anguished. I am Fucked with a capital F.
Went a walk to another village with my eldest, he told me “the last time I waited outside the shop for you and was sitting on the bench a crowd of teenage lads took the piss out of me and called me a retard” I nearly had a fit on hearing that and asked him “why in god's name did you not tell me at the time because I could have done something about it, why are you just telling me me now, why didn't you just get up and walk away from them or walk into the shop to get me” He just answered me “no” which made no sense to me at all. I told him “you're definitely coming into the shop with me today, you can do it in Tesco so you can do it here and I'm not taking any arguments from you” he said “okay” God almighty the way I was feeling right then was if anyone even looked at him the wrong way I would eat them alive and spit them out then stamp on them. Then I wondered how easily he finds it to verbally abuses me so appallingly that it causes me physical pain and wounds my very soul but he's no voice for anyone else at all.
18th September
Checked my bank account again online, still only €6 in it. Eldest said he would come out a walk with me, I thought good because it will give me the opportunity to ask him if he could lend me some money to help me get thru the week but he fell asleep. I could weep.
At 1pm he was awake and said he wanted to go out. I told him about the severe financial problems I'm having just now, he said “I will lend you €200. I couldn't thank him enough. I got all my rent and bills paid then shopping and told him “thank you I will pay you back at €20 per week until I've repaid it. He said “okay”
Went to the charity to give a presentation to the new volunteers, it went well. Came home and youngest was behind the door waving a cheque, the letter said they'd withheld €2,000, from his disability allowance, there was no reason why and my youngest said he didn't care about that.
Eldest came to the next village with me. I warned him “it will be busy with mums and their kids coming out of school and I won't be able to tie my dog up because she might jump up on kids” He said “okay” The small supermarket was packed out, I should have just walked out and come home but I had shopping to get so I rushed round the shop and queued at the check out, constantly texting eldest to let him know my every move. When I got out I smiled and waved at him but his face was like thunder, he began roaring at me from a distance, all heads turned to see who was shouting, my face turned bright red, he would not stop shouting for everyone to hear “you left me sitting here like a prick with everyone staring at me, you cunt, you evil cunt” I said “no one will be paying you any attention or want to stare at you but they certainly are now so shut up shouting at me and stop acting so paranoid and if that's how you feel then you can stay at home and not come out with me because I will go alone in future” He screamed at me “I will fucking stay at home” and off he stormed leaving me with my dog and two heavy bags and not one thing in the heavy bags contained anything for me. To do that to me in public was humiliating.
I am not responsible for what goes on in his head, why could he not have sent me a text telling me he was walking home, no one nailed his arse to the wall he was sitting on. I would have been fine with him walking back with the dog but oh no he would much prefer to wait and humiliate me in the street in front of everyone. He should be ashamed of himself to have done that to me.
I rang my youngest in tears to warn him eldest was in a terrible mood so to take care and not even try and talk to him because he would then blow up at him. I also told my youngest I was really struggling with heavy bags walking thru the park and I needed help because I had my dog too.
Eldest was way ahead of me but I could still see him. A horrible little man with a viscous dog that has always tried to attack my dog before was walking towards me and his dog was off it's lead. I started calling to the man to get his “dog under control” he kept saying “it's alright” as his dog come snarling up to mine. I was petrified. My poor dog was petrified and had ran in circles around me so I was trapped with my dogs lead wrapped round my ankles. I started roaring at the man and screaming for my eldest to come and help me and he just ignored me and carried on walking, then the man grabbed his dog. I shouted at him that I was getting the Garda, he slopped away. I rang my youngests phone, he didn't answer. I shouted out for eldest to help me again because my poor terrified dog's lead was wrapped around my legs and I couldn't move to free myself or my dog. Eldest ignored me. I rang Gheel, no answer. I sent Gheel a text and sat down on the grass with my dog's lead still circled round my legs and I cried. I am a useless and weak person unable to cope any more with any stress whatsoever.
Paul from Gheel rang me. I told him “I'm going to batter my eldest for what he screamed at me outside the shop then ignored me shouting for his help when a bloody dog tried to attack mine” I said “I'm not putting up with his mental moods and foul mouth and temper one second more because he's nothing but a bully who heard his own mother screaming for him to help me but he just kept on walking and its unforgivable and I'll never forget or forgive him for doing that to me” Paul said “Patrick's on duty tonight if you need someone to talk to” It dawned on me that they are nothing more than a listening service and not a fucking support service at all.
I stayed sitting on the grass in the park for half an hour fully expecting my youngest to have been out the door to come and help me, no such thing happened, it is the most horrible feeling in the world to realise your own children who you do everything for could not care less about you. That is a horrible realisation for a mother.
Youngest came down the stairs when I got in the house. he said “you look dreadful” because my eyes were swollen with crying. I wanted to verbally rip him apart because he didn't get out of the house to come and help me even tho I rang him not once but twice but he hadn't an ounce of common sense in him so what was the bloody point of me doing or saying anything to him. He said “eldest went straight to his room when he got in and he didn't say a word” He started chatting about his money and all he wants to buy and asked “how much of my money do you want” I said “if you have to ask then you can stick it up your hole, I do not want anything from you. I am sick of my children. I couldn't get my nerves under control, I was shaking inside and out. I couldn't eat and all I did was cry. I am useless and inept and acting as badly verbally as my kids do to me. Maybe I do deserve it all.
22nd September
Youngest came and woke me up at 6am to tell me his money has cleared in the bank and he wanted to go to town with him and then Ikea. My lack of sleep and what happened yesterday with eldest lambasting me in public then what happened in the park with my dog and that viscous dog had made my nerves jangle but he wanted me to go with him and said “I feel sick too but definitely want to go out”
So we went to town, first thing was photo ID for his free travel bus pass. Then he got his hair cut, he bought me wool, perfume and make up, I have had none for such a long time so I was thrilled about that. He took me to my favourite Italian cafe for lunch (I've been once before and I loved it) and said he would take me there once a month, it was lovely, he was back to being my youngest, it's amazing what a little retail therapy can do to lift a person's mood, he was like his old self, the boy I love and adore. We didn't get home till 6pm but we had a lovely day and were both shattered. When we got back youngest asked eldest if he was ready for dinner, he got a gruff no, in reply.
23rd September
I've come down with a head cold, I need to be very careful as they always go onto my chest, I did nothing all day except clean and cook, eldest did not touch either his lunch or his dinner, that is his normal punishments to me due to his horrible temper. He is just acting like a big sulky child, he cuts off his nose to spite his own face.
24th September
Its lashing down with rain. Youngest wanted me to go to town with him, he wants to start painting on canvas. He spent an absolute fortune on paint brushes, he got himself new clothes, he dragged me into every shop in town. Made eldest lunch once back home but he's still not eating anything I make.
Edel from Gheel rang me, I told her all about eldest and his lambasting of me in public and now he has the hump and not eating anything I make him and I'm not happy about him at all. I told her youngest got his money and has been on a non stop spending spree, she said “I hope you get firm with him and make him pay his keep and that he looks after his mum as you have looked after him all these years and I wish you would treat yourself and get away alone on a holiday and not use all you ever have on the house and the boys” I told her “youngest asked me how much of his money I wanted and I told him if he had to ask that then he could stick it up his hole because he made me feel so small and ashamed even asking me that question” Edel laughed, she said “you have unique ways of saying things but you're entitled to youngest paying his way and it being back dated because I have seen you seriously struggle on one income keeping the pair of you” I said “I have always had a problem around money as I used to feel so ashamed at my foster mother making me go and borrow money for her from neighbours and her friends. I still feel that shame today” She said “you should not feel any shame at all as it's a given that children help out their family financially as I myself had to do with my mother weekly as soon as I had an income” She told me “just ignore eldest because he probably does realise what he's done to you”
Youngest said he wanted to go to Ikea and he wanted to go by taxi. I rang one and we were stuck in rush hour traffic and the rain was coming down so hard that the taxi was going at a snails pace. I wish I'd said no to him and left it till tomorrow. He bought himself a loft bed and other bits, he looked wrecked because he's been awake for 24 hours without any sleep. He worries me.
25th September
Youngest is asleep on the couch in the living room and I cannot get him up and into his bedroom, he's refusing to move.
Eldest has his hospital appointment at 10.45am, this should be fun as he is not talking to me at all.
I got a call from the dental people and sent an email to eldest about it.
26th September
Youngest was awake at 6am and asked if I was going up to Tesco, I said yes but I'm meeting Edel from Gheel in the cafe. I bought Edel some gifts. She was touched about that, she said “you always think of other people” I left Edel and got my shopping and once home eldest was walking up the stairs but asked me if I needed a hand with my bags, this is the first time he's spoken to me since roaring at me in public and ignoring my pleading for help in the park. I just said yes please and he unpacked my shopping for me.
Youngest is fast asleep and I'm pissed off with him because he's stopped painting his bedroom and all his stuff is still in my room which now looks like a bomb site, when I asked him to get his room finished so I can have a calm and clean room, he told me “stop bitching about it” When he did get out of bed he walked out of the house without saying a word then came back and handed me €50 and said “that's your housekeeping money” So far he's bought himself a loft bed, a desk and swivel office chair, an expensive camera, an Apple laptop costing over €1,000 and clothes, paint for his room and god knows what online.
27th September
Youngest has been awake all night long again, I don't know how he's not collapsed on the ground thru lack of sleep, he said he needed to go to Tesco and asked if I would go with him. I said “let me get a bath and get ready first” it took me only half an hour to do so and I told him that I was ready. Youngest said “ready for what” I asked him “are you serious” he said “I can't remember asking you to go to Tesco”
28th September
I ordered youngests prescription from the doctor and told him I would collect it after my charity meeting in town, he said he'd meet me after my meeting and asked what time I thought I'd be finished. I said I'd meet him under the spire at 4pm. I stood under that Spire for almost an hour and there was no sign of youngest and no answer when I rang him numerous times. I thought I'll bloody strangle him when I get home. He rang me at 5.10pm and said “I changed my mind because I'm waiting on deliveries” I was so mad at him that I couldn't even talk which was highly unusual for me but then I ended up shouting “why the hell could you not let me know instead of leaving me standing like an idiot” he said “I'm telling you now”
Youngest came to Tesco with me. The bill came to €137. I had €100 on me, youngest said “I'll pay by card” and I handed him the €100 I had in cash, he said very, very loudly “do not be such a bastard” completely humiliating me in public because we were still at the check out with a large queue of people behind us. I said “if you ever speak to me like that again in public or in private then I will humiliate you and it will be something you will never forget the rest of your life so have some bloody respect for your mother” No answer from him and the cashier was looking at me. Then I shouted at him “have I made myself clear” He had the sense then to lower his head and whisper yes because he knew I mean what I say and will also do what I say when I've completely had enough. Neither he or eldest have the balls to talk to anyone else like that so why do they think it's okay to talk to me like that, humiliate me like that, treat me like shit like that, the only person in the world who loves them, takes care of them, they will ruin good and decent people with their cruel mouths and spiteful ways, they will be dumped and will jump from relationship to relationship leaving chaos and misery and a lot of woman needing counselling to get over what they do to them. Youngest then asked me “why aren't you talking to me” I said “because when I do, all I get is abuse so why put myself thru that but if you can show me decency and respect then I'm more than happy to speak to you but I'm not a masochist” He looked completely confused at me saying that.
Youngest told me that he was going out. I asked where to, he said “St Ann's park because I like the lagoon” I inwardly freaked out, the last time he went there he ripped his arm open. He said he was going to take his camera and take pictures. I asked him why he can't go in the day time, instead of night time, his answer was to slam the front door shut.
I rang Gheel, a man called James answers, who I've never heard of but he said he would drive to St Ann's park and see if he could spot youngest because it's a dangerous place to be, I told him youngest is a danger to himself and I hadn't thought of anyone else being a danger to him till he just told me. James then sent me a text to tell me he didn't see youngest anywhere.
I sent youngest a text and rang him, no reply and no answering of his phone. He knows full well this would means I was freaking out with worry about him. I really do not need this worry. He rang me at 11.38pm to tell me he was at the garage. I asked why the hell he could not have contacted me sooner, he said “I didn't want to” He walked into the house at midnight. He knew I would have be on red alert mode. It really is time for them both to move out so I can find some kind of peace in my life because they will not stop till they have driven me insane. I hope they one day have kids exactly like them who do to them what they are doing to me but then again I should not wish that because they would probably not give a shit. I would not wish the way they speak and act on anyone else.
30th September
Got myself out to the shops early because I didn't want either of them with me. I needed time on my own without them abusing me. I saw one of my neighbours, a lovely elderly man in his 90's walking but limping, he said his leg was in agony but he was getting the bus to go and visit his nephew in St James hospital as he'd had a heart attack and he wanted to keep him company, bless his kind heart, he was struggling to walk and there he was going off to do a kind deed. I told him to take my arm and walked to the bus stop with him but then ended up getting on the bus with him to make sure he was okay. And I have two grown men in their beds who will do nothing for no one unless it helps them first. They are a disgrace.
1st October
I was up at 6.20am, youngest was just going to bed, he grunted at me as he walked past me on the stairs.
I met Edel from Gheel at 10.30am and told her I didn't want to go to the cafe because I'm on a very short fuse because of the boys and I know and I can feel I am going to blow my stack one day soon and god help them all. She took me for a drive then to a garage where we got a cup of tea. She said she was “going on leave and Marlene will be your link at Gheel whilst I'm away” I said “no thanks, Marlene had advised me to watch a film or something to take my mind off the boys during a crisis and that to me was not helpful or supportive, in fact it was pure stupidity” She said “I'll ask Darragh Byrne if he'll step in till I return and I'll get him to call you weekly, I thinks it's important because you have no family, friends or back up anywhere else” I said “okay as long as I'm not told anything stupid and he actually does call me because it's farcical me always chasing him up to give my youngest support” She said “I'll make sure he's fully informed” Youngest then sent me a text asking me to pick up a passport form and asked me would I help him fill it in. I told Edel “isn't it amazing that my son can contact me just because he wants something yet cannot answer my texts or calls when he's in St Ann's park doing Christ knows what and I'm in fear of him cutting himself and hitting a vein or an artery” Edel said “they are grown men and make their own choices in life” I said “isn't that easy enough to say when youngest does not live under your roof and when you're not a mother yourself yet and one day you will find out exactly what it does feel like to worry yourself sick about every aspect of your child”
2nd October
I reminded my eldest that he had the dentist on Thursday and I needed his clothes down for washing. No answer from him. I knocked on his door and told him I needed to get his clothes washed, he told me “fuck off” That's him in a bad mood again and I've no idea why and I sure ain't going to investigate the cause. He didn't come out of his room till 11.30am, I made his lunch, he left it uneaten. Here we bloody go again.
The court file I'm trying to do is driving me nuts. I've so many documents to copy and find. I have got to keep going with it tho.
3rd October
Took my youngest to the Garda station to get his age ID card signed for him, we were told it will take 10 days to come thru.
Eldest has still not brought his clothes down for washing.
I have a weird pain like a pulse in both my chest and my left arm, went to bed early crapping myself, I know what this could mean.
4th October
Had the weird pulse pain in chest and left arm all night long, not painful, more like a pinch but scary because it's in my left arm. Got the 9am bus to the doctor. Sent eldest a text to remind him that he has the dentist and that Paul from Gheel was taking him. Sent a text to Edel from Gheel telling her I'm at the doctor so don't know if I can meet her.
I was two hours waiting at the doctor, he said “what do you expect after smoking all these years” I said “I expect a better bloody attitude than that for a start because I get enough verbal at home from my sons, so you better not start too and if I want a sermon I'll go to a bloody church” he laughed. He said he will refer me to a Cardiologist friend of his as they worked together abroad, he checked me out on his couch and with his poking and prodding of my chest and ribs I yelped in pain, he asked how long I had pain there, I said “I didn't till you caused it” he said “you have an inflamed cartilage in between your ribs and it could be caused by your arthritis” he said “don't be lifting anything heavy and get some rest” That made me laugh, I asked him did he not know that I'm supposed to be Super Woman. He gave me a letter for the hospital and told me there will be a long waiting list so to get it up to them ASAP.
Paul from Gheel rang me saying they are all set to go to the dentist.
Paul from Gheel rang me again, he wanted eldests medical card number. Then he said eldest can get 20% back on what he pays the dentist in the next tax year. He asked me twice if I had medical insurance for eldest.
I took the doctors letter up to the hospital.
5th October
Awake at 5am. Eldest was awake too. He said “I'm not eating any dinner today and my next dentist appointment is for impressions, x-rays and photo's then they will sit down and go over any treatments I need prior to this as I might need extractions so the braces fit properly, the dentist will call you tomorrow”
Youngest did not get out of bed till 6pm, he said he didn't want the dinner I was making for him. He ordered a pizza despite me having made his dinner. I could throttle him.
6th October
I am up to my nipples in court paperwork, the living room floor is covered in my documents that I need to sort and file in some kind of order.
Youngest didn't get up till 6.20pm, he told he ordered an iPhone online last night. I asked him if he'd paid for any of the courses he wanted to do, he said he's not interested in them any more because he's going to be a photographer now.
Made eldest lunch and dinner, he is again NOT talking to me, I am living in cuckoo land here.
Had to search everywhere for youngests Melatonin prescription because it needs to be changed into the GP's prescription and he needs these meds to get him back into a proper sleep routine. I told him to help me look for it, he said “no I will not”
7th October
Youngest has been awake all night long again, he looks really pale and drawn in the face. I asked him if he would come to Argos with me because I bought a new cheap dining table, he said yes but then didn't move out of his bed, I kept telling myself to stay calm, don't react, keep busy till he's ready. He eventually got up after 90 minutes, I asked if he could get my earphones from my bedroom to give my arthritic knees a break, he said “why can't you go and get them yourself then”
He was non stop moaning in town, filthy language was coming out of him with every second word he said, he really does believe he's superior to everyone around him. I told him I would scream in the street if he didn't shut up. I got the table from Argos and it weighed a flipping tonne. I had to “walk” it slowly down the street to a taxi rank. Youngest shouted at me in the street “you are a cunting embarrassment” I was absolutely ashamed of him and his sewer of a mouth, I am ashamed of myself for having given birth to him, I should have kicked his arse out of my door the first time he ever caused me pain with his vile words and disrespect. I hate who he has become, HE is the embarrassment, NOT me.
He started putting the new chairs together in the kitchen by ordering me about to get this, that and the other for him as in different screwdrivers etc and when I wasn't quick enough because I was also making the dinner he stormed off saying he's had enough.
Eldest is not speaking to anyone. I called him and got ignored. I knocked on his door and got told to “fuck off” I've no idea why. I'm living with two CRAZY people.
I found youngests Melatonin prescription myself. Bus to the doctors and got it changed and took to the chemist. I was told that the medication isn't licensed in Ireland so is not covered by youngests medical card so I had to pay for it.
I met Edel from Gheel, she told me “you look exhausted and worn out” and when I told her all that has gone on the past week she said “you need to be firmer with the boys with the way they talk to you and treat you” I told her “I want them out of my house and into their own place because I am sick of being their proverbial punching bag, their dart board and sick of being their slave” she just kept saying “I know”
Got home and eldest came down to tell me that a voice mail has been left on his phone from the dentist and he said “you deal with it” I said “no I will not, your teeth, your appointment so you deal with it and the only reason you're talking to me is because you want me to do something for you so tough luck, this time you can do it yourself” He bashed the living room door so hard I thought the bloody hinges would come off. I shouted at him “bloody grow up” It felt good.
Youngest sent me an email of the photo's he's been taking with his new camera, I replied “I love all the photo's of the cats and the one of the church too, well done x” He said the one he took of me is his favourite.
9th October
Email from youngest: Since about 10pm (8th October) I've felt dizzy and sick and stuff. It's only dawned on me now to look up the side effects of stopping SSRIs.
Wikipedia: "Symptoms described as "brain zaps", "brain shocks", "brain shivers", "head shocks", or "cranial zings" are withdrawal symptoms experienced during discontinuation (or reduction of dose) of antidepressant drugs. The symptoms include dizziness, electric shock-like sensations, sweating, nausea, insomnia, tremor, confusion, nightmares, and vertigo" I obviously can't say about insomnia, but I've had the brain zaps, dizziness, sweating, nausea and confusion.
I sent youngest a reply to his email “You should come see the doctor youngest or go back on them and reduce the intake aver couple of days. Did you try the Melatonin at all? they might take away majority of what your feeling x”
He came into my room minutes after I sent him the email so he must have been on his computer, he said “the Lustral do not work so I'm not taking them again” He asked me “are you going out because I need diet coke and I'm not going out anywhere today because I'm expecting 4 parcels to arrive” I said “eldest can get up and take in the parcels” he said “he's not touching anything that belongs to me” Four parcels did arrive for him, I said “lets have a look then” he said “no, you're not allowed to know what's in them because they're Xmas presents”
Email from the solicitor. The ex has put in a defence and a counter claim after doing nothing for 2 years when the divorce petition was first lodged. She wanted to know if it was okay to give his solicitor my address for service of his papers. I rang her up because I was shocked about that. What has he got in the way of a defence, what is he defending, what on earth is a counter claim. I had no clue about anything. The solicitor didn't answer her phone. I sent her a reply email that he was not to have my address and I can use the refuge address for personal safety issues. God my head was spinning, I didn't know what the hell was going on.
I rang Women's Aid, they said this is typical for abusers doing this at the 11th hour and that if he is doing that then I really would need a solicitor. My head feels like it's going to explode.
10th October
My head is literally spinning with all I need to do for court. I really did think I could just go along and get a divorce in default of defence after two years of him doing nothing. Scum bag that he is. I sat in the living room at 5am thinking of all I need and I tried to make a list but I couldn't think straight. Youngest came down at 7am, he said he took the Melatonin and woke up at 3am but he got back to sleep okay. I told him “I have to go out early and get some legal advice” he said “I'm not going out with you” (I hadn't asked him) he said “if you're going to Tesco I might come” I said “I'm not going shopping, I have things I need to do” He slammed the door and went back to bed.
I went to a FLAC solicitor, I was advised that I ask for an adjournment on the 24th because I'm still awaiting Legal Aid but that I absolutely do need to attend and she believes with his history (I'd seen this lady before) the ex is now just tormenting me.
I rang the Circuit Court and they told me to bring along copy of the Legal Aid letter to prove I'm awaiting legal representation and to also send it recorded to his solicitor (like hell I will, my address is on it)
I was just back in the door and youngest was up in my face demanding “give me my box of Melatonin” I said “no, the doctor told me never to give you any more than the prescribed daily dose and you know why” he said “why not, I paid for them” I said “wrong I paid for them with my own money” he called me a “fucking liar” I said “how the hell did you pay for them when you couldn't even look for the prescription, you didn't go and get the prescription changed at the doctors or go and get the medication from the chemist” He said “I paid you housekeeping” I said “that is to feed you and pay for electric, gas, UPC, your diet coke, your mother running everywhere for you and €50 a week is not enough and those meds cost me, not you, they cost me €34.90” He said “I will not be ordering your wool online, I said “do what you have to but I'm not giving you all those meds and if you want to call the doctor then go right ahead as the doctor told me to never give you any more than the recommended dose and you should know why, so if you want to argue with anyone then get yourself up to the GP and argue about it in person” I said “all you will get from me is the one dose per night” He called me “an old cunt” I said to his back because he was walking away “I have enough to cope with and I'm sick of this and sick of you” he shouted “go fucking die then”
11th October
Youngest knocked on my bedroom door at 5am, in an argumentative mood about his Melatonin meds, demanding “give them to me” I said “it's 5am, get out of my room and leave me alone, you have never seen your mother lose it because I rarely do lose it but by god I will lose it big style if you do not get out and leave me alone” He carried on talking, “I'm sick of your moaning, all you do is always feel sorry for yourself” I reminded him “you walked into my room at 5am to wake me up just to argue with me so how the hell does that make me the moaning one” he didn't answer me, he went on to tell me “everything you got in life is down to you alone, you married a psychopath so you need to put up with the consequences of your actions and you have no one else to blame except yourself and I'm not going anywhere till you give me my medication, I want them and I want them now so you'd better hand them over, I do not give a shit or a fuck what any prick of a doctor said and you are a cunt for listening to a doctor and not listening to me” I roared at him “get out of my room and never again enter it without my permission” he shouted “I'm going to town alone and you can fuck off” I said “I really wish I could” My heart was going like the clappers, I actually now fear him, I fear both my sons now. What a fucking life. I have enough shit to cope with.
It was pouring down with rain and youngest went out with no jacket on. He rang me at 12.44pm from a pay phone, he said “I cannot activate my new iPhone because I have to put iTunes on it first” I hadn't a clue what he was talking about. He said “I have earache and toothache and I may or may not go to a dentist in town” I said “have you anything to say to me about all you said this morning” he knew I meant an apology, the phone hung up.
Youngest was back at 3pm, he went straight to his room. At 9pm I asked him if he would please put the bins out for me, he told me “no do it yourself” I started cursing out loud, he said he would get up at 5am and put the bins out. I ended up doing them myself again.
12th October
Text from Edel from Gheel at 10.11am, asking if I'm free to take a call from her. Another text followed saying she would call me in half an hour.
Youngests ID card arrived, he went out and bought Southern Comfort, I told him he needs to be very careful drinking on medication, he told me he's not stupid. Youngest “drank the bottle of Southern Comfort but it's okay because I didn't take a melatonin” He is an idiot.
Only thing out of my eldests mouth is “not hungry”
15th October
Met Edel from Gheel, I filled her in on all happening, she said “they are adults and responsible for what they say and do” which was really not helpful at all because they live under MY roof. Do I have to start filming my sons to make Edel from Gheel understand what it's like living with them. They are slowly killing me.
I made eldest bacon sarnies for his lunch. Youngest said he did not want anything then once eldests were ready he asked me “what is there to eat” I had to start all over again for him, GRRRR. He said he was going out to find the library so he “can print off British Passport forms for you to fill in for me later”
He keeps taking photo's of me which I hate because I'm not photogenic and he knows it because I have told him for years and years “I would rather have a gun pointed at me than a camera” I look so old, ill and haggard. I've aged so much in only 2 years. If I kept doing something to him that he did not like and asked me to stop and I didn't stop, he would be going frigging mental at me.
I had to attend a charity meeting but I forgot my house keys. I sent youngest a text to tell him this because I would need him to open the door and let me in the house. He replied okay. On the way back I sent him another text to tell him I was on my way home and needed the door opened for me. He didn't reply. Eldest didn't answer his phone when I rang him, youngest didn't answer his phone when I rang him. For twenty minutes I stood knocking on my own front door to be let in. Eldest then opened the door for me and said youngest was asleep. Youngest got up at 8.30pm saying “I didn't take a melatonin last night because I didn't want to”
18th October
Told the boys I was making dinner and when it was ready I called them and both said at the same time “not hungry” I could slap the pair of them. I called up the stairs if they were trying to make their mother go insane then they are doing a good job of it, they both started laughing.
19th October
I got up at 5.15am. When eldest came down, I told him his trousers were dry and on the radiator, he said “shut the fuck up” I hadn't a clue why he said that. He is going to get a taste of his own medicine one day.
Youngest wanted his passport photo's signed by the doctor, he asked me to come with him, so for two hours we sat at the doctors. I should have known there was method in his madness because once the photo's were signed he wanted me to go to the British Embassy with him so he could hand the passport form in personally, he thought he would get his passport faster if he hand delivered it.
We got the bus to town then the dart to Christ knows where, we were walking for an hour. I kept looking out for someone to ask directions, with youngest shouting at me “you should trust my judgement because I know where we're going because I'm following the app on my phone” He should bin that phone then because he took us completely the wrong way. I stopped a woman and she told us we were walking the wrong way and the passport office was miles in the other direction. I ended up flagging a taxi down and the passport office was closed, it's only open on Tuesdays and Thursday's. So much for trusting his judgement.
Eldest went to the dentist with Paul from Gheel, he left the quote for all treatment he needs done on the drawers for me, it's €500 more than they originally quoted, they claim he needs two extractions plus 4 wisdom teeth removed before they can fit him with braces.
Edel from Gheel rang me for chat. She told me not to be worrying about the dentist or the cost until my next court date is over and done with because she knows how stressed I am about that. She will also ask Paul what the dentist said.
Two texts from Paul, “the price in total is for the braces, you can pay in full or instalments but there is no discount for paying in full. For the extractions eldest will need both upper pre molars removed and the dentist recommended that all wisdom teeth are removed. They will contact you with the appointment and give you the quote for the extractions as these are a separate cost”
I will ring the dental clinic and find out what's going on because I worked out the cost is €4,250 and they are adding another €500 plus on to it, I don't bloody think so. Even Dick Turpin had the decency to wear a mask when he was robbing people.
Youngest said he's not hungry. He bought a hammock to sleep in, I told him he'll hurt his back, he said “don't care” He makes such a racket every time he moves in the thing it wakes me up and eldest is moaning about the noise of it too.
I sent eldest an email about the dentist price now going up by €500 and that it could continue to rise and asked him how much he had left out of the money I cleared out of the Credit Union account for him.
I left a voice mail with the dental clinic saying I wanted someone to call me.
After dinner I took my dog out, my youngest came running saying he would come too, he wanted to go to the shop to buy himself Southern Comfort. He said “I'm going to London” I said “have a nice time” That took the wind out of his sails, I think he wanted me to say don't go so he could launch into his dramatics that always result in me getting lambasted and called every name under the sun.
Youngest with a few glasses of Southern Comfort in him starts talking to eldest who walked away from him as he was in mid sentence, youngest wasn't happy about that, he said “I'm fucking furious at that cunt” I said “welcome to my world, you both do it to me all the time”
Youngest had a sleep then came and told me “I had a dream about dad who set himself on fire” he was laughing about it and said “I hope it comes true” I said that's a horrible thing to say, have you not heard about Karma, he said “you're a fool for believing in all that shit” Little does he know I believe in nothing any more, nothing at all.
A girl from the dental clinic rang me. She said “C does not like discussing treatments and prices over the phone, you are welcome to see him in person, he will give you a few minutes of his time face to face” At the prices he's charging, I would expect more than a few minutes.
I sent a text to E from Domestic Abuse place who is coming to the divorce court with me. I asked her “should I take all my paperwork with me just in case, I feel very emotional and I don't know if it's fear or because it's a higher court. I've still not received his service of papers so I've no idea what his defence is and would the Garda at the court know about all the times they've had to escort me in and out of the other court and how do I calculate non payment of maintenance for the divorce court, is it in total or do they also only count the previous 6 months”
E rang me, she said “your best bet is to go prepared for anything, as you always are” She will meet me outside so I don't have to walk in alone. If the ex fails to show I will get the go ahead and get my divorce. She said “you are strong and articulate so have every faith in yourself”
Sent Edel from Gheel a text telling her I can't meet with her tomorrow because I'm a wreck getting my court stuff in order. She replied she understands and will call me for a chat instead.
That is two bloody court cases I have to get ready for, paperwork wise, on my own. I rang the District court at 11.13am, they told me a bench warrant was issued due to his non appearance of summons at the last court date and he's to attend that court on 2nd November because he did not turn up in June. I sent E a text about it.
Youngest came down and told me “I feel like a depression is coming over me” I told him “we'll go to the doctor” I emailed Edel from Gheel about my youngest so he could maybe get an appointment with the Professor they use.
26th October
I now have 90% of my divorce court file ready and have to get to work on one for the District Court now. I would give anything to have someone help me, encourage me, shoulder all this with me. But there is no one.
Edel from Gheel rang: I told her “I'm getting a second opinion from a dentist about eldest because C at the dental place does not discuss anything over the phone, so that's a red flag to me. I could have got a bloody face lift with the price he is charging” she laughed and said “you do not need one” I told her “I have now emptied the credit union of all eldests money and have a total of €5,000 for him” she said “you should have held back some of that money for yourself” I said “no way it's not mine” she said “both boys should be contributing more to the family pot for the house, for bills, for shopping, for Xmas as that's what a family is all about and I did that with my mum” I said “I know you told me before but my boys do not think that way” She said “as far as court goes you have nothing to worry about, it's your ex who has to answer not you”
E rang about my questioning text to her re court. She said “it's your ex at fault and so now finds himself in contempt of court, you did not execute the warrant, a judge did and it's not about him not paying maintenance, it's for contempt of court” she said “you do not have to attend but if you don't then the case will be struck out and judges do not like that and will remember the next case you go in for”
I'm feeling weak and vulnerable and I will strangle my youngest if he bites the head of me again for no reason again today.
I was sorting a file for the District court and found the sick note that the ex had previously handed over to the Judge. His solicitor had stated that he was suicidal and gave the judge his sick note, the judge gave it to me and asked me could I see the words suicidal because he couldn't and he asked the solicitor when did the word suicidal replace stress because it said “stress” on the sick note. STRESS!!! the fucking man doesn't know the meaning of the word, he should try living the life I have to, he would soon know what fucking stress was then.
24th October
All my court files are now in order, thank god. My rucksack weighs a tonne. My shoulders however feel less heavy because that was a mountain of work I had to do to get organised but at least it's done and I can relax as far as that's concerned.
Up at 5am. At 6.50am I was ready to go. I'm feeling shaky but not so fearful any more. I think the lead up of all paperwork I had to find and copy and the expense of copy paper and printer ink and the anticipation of court made it so stressful but I just wanted it all over and done with.
Youngest woke up, he said “I'm tired but I want to come with you” We got a taxi at 7.30am but got stuck in heavy traffic so we didn't get to the court until 8.10am.
There were no side rooms left for us to sit in. E did not arrive till 9.15am and the call over began at 9.30 and not 10am as I'd been told by the court clerks so it was just as well I got there early. Youngest gave me a kiss for luck as I left to enter the court room.
There was no sign of the ex so I hoped I could go ahead and just divorce him. The place was packed, that tells a sad story of a lot of marriage break downs. My name didn't get called till near the end. I stood up and said I'd no legal representation and there was no sign of the ex, the registrar told me she would hold off and call me again at the second call over to give the ex a chance to appear and if not she would deal with me then.
The first call over was finished and we all had to file out but a Barrister walked in the door as we were trying to get out, she told the registrar “I have tried to lodge Mr X defence but the office will not accept it” the registrar said “off course they won't because the case is today” the Barrister asked “for 7 days notice to serve Mrs X as the client has been a difficult customer to get instructions from” the registrar said “that is not my problem nor Mrs X” All this going on was extremely embarrassing because all the other couple's ending their marriages were still in the large room.
The register said “I will not accept because that county have come off record” She asked me “have you ever had legal representation in that county” I said “never” she said “I thought so” I said “I had a Dublin solicitor come off record because she couldn't get a Legal Aid cert for this court” she laughed then said “the files are all mixed up, what dates can you return and when will you have a solicitor” I said “I will not have one” and told her what Legal Aid had told me, the Barrister piped up and said “I will call Legal Aid for Mrs X and chase them up” I said “this divorce has been lodged for 2 years and 5 months and my husband has had long enough to respond and has failed to do so” she said “if I give you a date to come back and as you have no legal representation it will all be done without prejudice, will you be free on December 5th” I said “I will make sure I am but I know the other party will not do so”
E said “we can leave now” I said “I haven't a fucking clue what's going on here or how he got away with doing this after a two year delay” E said “it's tactics, it's his last vestige of control and power over you but don't let it affect you” I said “off course it's affecting me because I thought I would get my divorce today” As we were walking out the door, the Barrister asked “can I have a word in private with you outside” I whispered to E not to leave me because I wouldn't remember anything I was told because my head was melted, E stood close to me but the Barrister asked her to “leave” so she stood just a little bit away from me but close enough to hear everything that the Barrister said to me.
The Barrister said “I'm only acting as a court rep and doing the other county a favour, you need to now do a new Statement of Means and it needs to be sworn in front of a solicitor and also sent to his solicitor along with all bank account statements, credit union statements, any assets etc” I said “that's a cheek after a two and half year delay and I have all those things here with me now” she said “it all has to be sworn as Affidavits and his Defence will be with you shortly” I said “that's not good enough because I was told that three weeks ago and it's unfair there is now a further delay for me to see what his fairy tales are all about, I now have an enormous task on my hands doing this alone and I've no idea what his defence is going to say and I have mere weeks till my next court date whilst he's fucked around for two and a half years, no he's fucked me around for the past 6 years so I'm not happy about this nonsense at all”
She told me “chase up Legal Aid” I said “they cannot provide what they do not have, they have only one solicitor in their office” She asked “can you wait for ten minutes and I will get his Defence (she was holding it in her hands) photo copied for you because I know that all this will have come a shock” She left.
I went outside to wait and youngest and E come out. E told me everything she heard the Barrister say to me then said “from my work these men will do anything in their power to delay and mess about with the court system and he will know you could have got your divorce today and I believe that's why he put in an 11th hour application” she said “it's just ongoing abuse, power and control” youngest said “it doesn't surprise me at all as the man is an utter cunt”
The Barrister returned and handed me some files and wished me good luck and said “keep trying to get Legal Aid, you're going to need a solicitor with this one” she asked me what office I was trying to get a solicitor from and I told her, she wrote it down and said “I will try and chase them up too because I don't want you doing all this on your own”
I quickly flipped thru his Defence and Counter claim and the first paragraph that jumped out was that he wants “access and joint custody” I laughed my head off, E said “he's a joke, that's done just to hurt and upset you” my youngest said “me and eldest will agree to that and deal with him our way and it will be his last ever regret” I said “I feel so much better now after that laugh so I will look forward to reading the rest and getting to work on it” I said “bye and thanks” to E then youngest and I went into town.
Youngest was being very affectionate, he kept hugging me and said “I don't know how you keep going, I'm proud of you” Being a person who is as soft as putty, my youngests words of kindness made my eyes water but I fought back the tears of happiness. That's all it takes to make me happy, a little bit of kindness.
I got home and made the boys lunch then sat and read his Defence and Counter claim, I don't know how people who lie don't burst into flames. I sent my eldest an email about it all because I couldn't tell him in person because he's not talking to me and I've no idea why and no interested in finding out either with all I have going on. Who knows what goes on in his head.
Email to my eldest: I have cleared the Credit Union account and added to that the money I owe you and the total is €5000. I have not collected your weekly money for this week as yet so will just put in an envelope from now until Paul can help you open up your own bank account so that you have access to a debit card. I will go ahead and make the appointment for the two surgical extractions on your lower wisdom teeth but will be finding out if the other 4 extractions are necessary surgically. I am in hospital next Tues and Wed for a cardiology procedure and results and will ensure there is food and juice in the house for you but be aware that I'm not in the best of health so you will have to cope with what I can and cannot do. Your Father did not attend for Divorce but had S Law Centre try and lodge his papers late, they had refused but then agreed to allow him seven days to serve his Defence on me, this means I have to start from scratch and re file all papers as it's two and a half years since I originally filed. His Defence is a fairy tale which he will get away with if I do not answer and provide proof to court, his solicitor and a copy for myself and I have to do so alone as I do not have a solicitor nor any legal help, I assume he did this at the 11th hour as he believes I would not be able to reply as I only have 5 weeks until it's back in court on Dec 3rd. I am also in the district court re his non paying of maint next Friday. I have shit flying at me from all sides and barely coping so if I either lose my mind or crack up, remember the mother you had and not the one you think you have now”
Eldest sent me a reply saying “good luck with hospital as I know you don't like them” That means there is a thaw in him, thank god, one less thing to worry about now.
His Defence and Counter Claim Fairy Tales:
- I want regular access (after all his abuse and not giving a shit since 2006 about his sons)
- “My kids are strangers to me, I do not know current or long term medical prognosis” (lying bastard, he's just saying that in case he's made to pay maintenance for them for the rest of their lives)
- “I was always in employment so have continually contributed to family expenditure” (lying bastard)
- “My money was spent on renovating the family cottage” (lying bastard, nothing was done on the family home, it was a freezing doss house)
- “I have been hospitalised three times with stress and depression” (he would not know the meaning of the word stress)
- I want “the cost of any proceedings to be paid by my wife”
- I want “confirmation that my wife and children get nothing if I die, including anything from my pensions that currently stand at £50,000” (that clearly shows the kind of man he is)
- I want “all maintenance arrears wiped clear and all court orders thrown out”
The evil, conniving, wicked bastard. I intend to prove all his lies, he has used and abused the wrong person. Now I can reply and let the court know what kind of low life scum he really is.
E from Domestic Abuse place rang me to say that the ex was “arrested and bailed re the bench warrant because he told the court he had the divorce court to attend” she said “he is one slippery eel” I told her the full list of all he was saying with his defence and I'm going to rip him to shreds with the truth.
I really didn't know where to start because for every reply I make in response I also have to provide the proof so I had a lot to do in such little time. I need to make three copies of everything and get the copies for his solicitor and the court sworn in front of a solicitor and then all sent by recorded delivery, it's going to cost me an absolute fortune. I had better start felling trees because I'm going to need an awful lot of paper.
Finances missing
- Sale of his share of London property £151,325 = €228,500
- Sale of joint names house in England £49,940 = €75,409
- Sale of joint names Irish house = €128,000
- London property rent share = €17,848
- Wages = €100,000
- Work Bonuses = €16,000
- Sale of his share of London property £55,000 = £75,000
Total finances which I was allowed no access to = €636,157
And does not take into account private cash in hand work.
I didn't even have a bank account and had no access to any of HIS money. The wicked bastard.
25th October
- Sent E an email to say thank you for supporting me at court.
- Rang Social Welfare as I need up to date records of all money I have received from them for court purposes.
- Rang TSB as need copy of all bank statements, they told me I will be charged €5 per copy.
- Rang Carers as I need copy of financial history.
- Rang the Revenue Office as I was told I need a P60 or P21, I seem to not exist on their records.
- Rang the court, asked what format do I use re getting my reply done, a man said he will ask one of the girls to email me. S did with a (PS saying “he lodged his defence”
- Rang FLAC, got an appointment for 7pm tonight.
- Rang Edel from Gheel, she said she will do me a letter for court explaining the boys disability and life long needs.
- Rang DCC. I need rent history.
26th October
I'm working flat out finding documents as proof of every reply I make, it's a bloody nightmare.
27th October
I've run out of ink. I'm feeling so ill and so low. I know it's just the stress, I need a good night out and a good laugh.
28th October
It's 5am and I'm doing the court files in triplicate. I'm only stopping to do housework and cook for the boys. Youngest declared he wants stuff from the shop but didn't want to go and get it himself. I went to the shop for him at 5pm with my dog but had to ring him to come and meet me in the park because I truly did feel very ill again. He met me and said “you look like shit”
29th October
I'm proud of myself getting so much done on the three Circuit court files.
30th October
I'm disgusted with my youngest and his daily freakish behaviour towards me. I was on the bus going to town to buy a present for Edel and he wanted to come with me, he non stop moaned about everything, the bus was jam packed so I asked him to keep his voice down, he started shouting at me “your chewing gum is making my eyes hurt and sting and you've done it on purpose” and he stood up and went off to sit in a different seat away from me, telling me in front of all the other passengers “you're a horrible cunt for doing that to me” I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. He is a horrible disgusting human being. I got off the bus at the next stop after his humiliation of me and he got off with me shouting “what the fuck have I done wrong now” I told him“stay away from me or I will kill you after what you've just done to me” he walked behind me. No wonder I'm having fucking heart problems, massive palpitations started and I had to stop for a few minutes and he was still rabbiting on and moaning about his life and about me. I ended up screaming at him in the street “shut your vile and moaning mouth” he did shut up then. Why the hell does he only stop when I really cannot take any more from him.
Edel from Gheel met me at 1pm to take me to the hospital for my ECG. I ended up crying my eyes out in her car after my youngests awful humiliation of me on the bus. She said “I know how awful it is for you” she doesn't, it's only words, she said “I can empathise and will make sure that Darragh calls you every Monday whilst I'm away as I know you hate weekends and will not have seen or spoken to anyone, it will give you a chance to offload and to also update Gheel”
31st October
I went to hospital alone, I had a very long wait, my heart rate and my blood pressure was fine but they were concerned about the palpitations I've had for so long now, more tests are needed and I have to go straight to casualty if I get any more kick in the chest palpitations, the doctor said the Consultant usually likes to meet his patients in person but he's on holiday at the moment. He advised I take it easy and not rush around so much, I told him “I'm not quitting smoking because I'm addicted” he laughed and said “you're a very assertive lady” I told him “I know the palpitations are down to stress and nothing more” he said “we shall get the tests done and see what the story is”
Whilst waiting for the bus back from the hospital I reflected on my life to date and it's far too filled with stress for my liking and gave me a huge wake up call. I threw my packet of smokes into the bin and let the bus go without me, I wanted more thinking time. I ended up sending my youngest a text telling him I need to have more tests done at the hospital and I would like more help and kindness from him and eldest and asked him to tell eldest this too.
Youngest was not happy about my text at all, the selfish bollix replied “I help enough as it is” I replied “I'm having heart tests done” and repeated “I would like more help and kindness from you both” He ignored that and sent another text asking me to pick him up Southern Comfort when I go for shopping. Not an ounce of sense or compassion in him for his own mother, why was he not straight on the phone to me to say he would meet me and come and help me with the shopping. I ended up getting a big shop done and got a taxi home. I rang youngest from the taxi so he could help me in with the bags but he wasn't even out of bed or dressed, so I got the bags in myself then sat in the living room with my head in my hands, my youngest then came into the living room and asked me “do you not get tired with all the moaning you do” I hadn't even opened my mouth. And lucky for him that I didn't because I would have verbally roasted him. I just had no energy in me. And I'm feeling raw and very sorry for myself.
He went out at 7pm and then again at 9pm, he said he's taking photo's.
1st November
I'm up to my eyeballs with my divorce documents x three. I rang the court, they said they don't use a template, it's called a “replying affidavit” I had no clue what the hell I was doing. I googled it but nothing came up. I decided to to use the ex's Defence and Counter claim documents as my template and hoped it was okay. I had to rush it because I wanted to show E at the domestic abuse unit tomorrow what I was doing so she could tell me if I was on the right track or not.
2nd November
I was awake at 5.30am. Youngest had finished painting his room blue in the early hours of the morning. I'd such a bad sleep. I heard him still up and making a lot of noise at 2am, he's fast asleep now.
I got ready for court. E sent me a text at 7.36am saying she will meet me outside the court at 9.45am. Youngest got up and said he was wrecked but wanted to come with me. My nerves were so bad that my knees were knocking together. I walked to the bus stop with youngest then realised I didn't have my up to date Statement of Means file in my bag, it was still on the printer, I had to fly home then ring for a taxi as the bus had then gone.
E had a side room for us to sit in. I told her I was petrified because if the ex got jailed today then I know he'll again go nuts in the court room, she went off to tell the Garda that this was a high risk case and about the ex's prior history in court, the Garda told E the judge will also be informed before the case of his prior inside court room behaviour towards the last judge and a Garda would escort me into the court room and stay with me at all times.
There was a total mix up with my name being called. E stood outside the court room with me but we couldn't hear anything from the tannoy. My youngest had to come out of the side room and tell us my name had been called numerous times so in I went with a Garda, it was the same Garda who took me and youngest out of the judges exit when the ex went mad in the court room the last time. In the ex walked and was dressed in his usual I am a poor tramp clothing which is only done for court purposes, he does not dress this way on his face book photo's. He should be ashamed of himself.
The crap that man came out with to the judge was appalling, he said “my wife got the family home as part of the divorce settlement” I had to interrupt and tell the judge “we are not divorced, he stalled it for two and a half years now and I am no where near any family home and I have been housed by DCC” I said “the family home is empty and he prefers to pay private rent than the mortgage and has put us both in serious debt as my name is on the deeds and the mortgage” the judge asked him “who do you live with” he said “I live alone, my partner left me in May” the judge asked him “what do you live in” the ex said “a two bedroom house” the judge asked “what do you pay” he said “€100 per week” the judge said “move out and into a cheaper place because you have no need to be in a house all to yourself especially as the family home is lying empty and unpaid for” The judge said to me “I am restrained by legislation as recipients on Social Welfare must have at least €150 per week to live on” I told the judge “I have for a very long time kept both me and my youngest son on one payment that was meant for me alone and I was then reduced to living on €102 per week till my carers allowance went up and it's a disgrace that men get away with this because I didn't make my children on my own did I” The judge smiled at me, I think he just found what I was saying and the way I was saying it as funny but this was no bloody funny matter at all, it's my life. The ex said “I cannot pay the arrears” the judge said “I will freeze the arrears but it doesn't mean the arrears are going away” I said “it doesn't matter what you order he pays, he will not pay it, do you know how many court orders I have” he said “no” I said “enough to wallpaper this court room so what will it take to get this man to pay up” The judge said “he had better pay up and is to pay €38 per week straight into you're bank account” I said “what €19 per son, please do not waste the ink from your pen” I asked him “have you seen my file at all, do you know how many judges have ordered this man to pay for his sons” the judge said “if he does not pay then the court will be happy to issue a bench warrant” I said “the court already have because he didn't turn up in June and that is what today is all about” The judge ignored me and said “I want both parties back in my court with full comprehensive Statements of Means” I said “hold on, I have mine here now” he said “save it for the next court date in February” then he reminded the ex to move out of his present accommodation.
The Garda walked me out first and told the ex to stay where he was until he came and got him. E was standing outside the court room door, I told her “I am fucking raging, the prick got away with it again and the judge didn't even know why the hell we were there and I won't be back here in February to waste yet more of my life within this farcical court system” E said she had a taxi waiting outside to get us out of the area quickly. The ex and the partner he apparently split up from in May were standing in the alley way smoking and talking and looking our way, we jumped in the cab, the driver said he wasn't for us and he was waiting on someone else so we had get out. I told the Garda “please do not leave us” he said “don't worry I'm not going anywhere but you need to ring E” I said “I'm desperate for the toilet” so we went back into the court building. When I got out the Garda called out my name, I went up to him, he said “yer man has gone down the alley so please head in the opposite direction and stay safe” I told him I would head into town and get a cab from there. Youngest said he wanted to go and get shoes first, he kept asking me if I was okay, I said “no I'm not” because I was ready for exploding and that was the truth. Youngest said “when we jumped into the cab the cunt kept looking at us so I took his photo” he showed the photo to me. I hadn't even looked at the ex in court so I'd no idea he was now bald and had a goatee beard, he looked awful, my youngest said “he looks like a peado”
We went for youngests shoes, my head was so sore, all the work I did on that one file and all for nothing, the reason he was there was not even dealt with. Youngest saw a shop that sold Bells Whisky and asked me if I wanted him to buy it for me, I said no because I've not drank it in years and it would probably be too hard on my stomach, he got himself Southern Comfort instead.
Once home I made eldest lunch and started telling him about court, he said “I'm not interested in anything you have to say” Horrible pig that he is.
I went for a lie down. Woke up at 6pm and made dinner. Youngest is now in a bad mood. I shut myself away in my bedroom.
5th November
Rang a solicitors, they quoted me €30 per Affidavit sworn for the divorce documents, that will cost me €270 plus fuck knows how much to send heavy documents by registered post to both the Circuit court and to his solicitors.
I got to work on my divorce replying affidavits, I told the boys not to come near me and to fend for themselves for a change.
6th November
Two hospital letters arrived for me with different dates for heart tests.
Made eldest an early lunch because I was out at a meeting today, he said “thank you” quickly followed by “you just want me to put on weight don't you” God I felt like screaming at him to fuck off, crazy sod that he is. The only time I can breathe properly is when I'm out of my own house. To top it all my stand in support Darragh Byrne of Gheel did not call me to support me as I was told he would every Monday by Edel from Gheel who said “because it's important as you have no family or friends as back up support” Seems like it's not that fucking important at all. Useless twat. And so much for Michael McCreadie being so worried about me that he wanted to see me monthly because I never heard a squeak out of him again. They are all useless fuckers.
7th November
I rang Gheels outreach number, I asked who's taking my eldest to his next dental appointment, I was told “don't know” I'm told they will have to check the roster. I said “I had no support call from Darragh Byrne yesterday and I want to know why when it was supposed to be important that I get this according to Edel” I was told “don't know but will get Darragh to call you”
Went to meet E at the Woman’s refuge with my Replying Affidavit done so far. She read it thru and said “it's a disgrace all that man has done to you and got away with and you must feel so jaded with the court system” She said “you have an awful lot on your plate to cope with and I do not know how you keep going” I said “I wish I had a pound for every time that was said to me” she asked “would you like to meet with me on Mondays for support, I think you badly need it” I said “yes please, I will be very grateful because I believe I'm going to crack up”
Youngest offered to make me a cup of tea when I got home, he told me I looked tired. He made the best cup of tea I have had for a long time. He said eldest went out on his own and sat in the park reading for twenty minutes, I was shocked but very happy.
Darragh Byrne from Gheel rang me late in the afternoon, I asked him “why was I told you would be my weekly Monday support contact and I would get a call from you yet no call came” He apologised and said “it will not happen again” I reminded him “I am trapped at home with no other contact at all and I need support because that is what you are for, that is what I was promised and it does not bode well that it did not happen” He told me “it won't ever happen again” I filled him in re the boys.
I made far too many calls to list here with trying to chase up all agencies re documents I need for the bloody divorce court, it's holding me up and I'm now panicking about it all. Youngest gave me a hug because I got myself in a flap trying to find documents. I have every box under my stairs out in the hallway and the living room to look thru them for documents I need to find. I always appreciate when my youngest shows me kindness.
The ex is “objecting to providing the court with a copy of his grand fathers will” I had to send off to London to see if I can get a copy of it.
3 weeks till Divorce court and I'm still waiting on
- Social Welfare letter
- Copy of will
- Latest Court Order
- Correct way to do a Replying Order
I am up fucking shit creek without a fucking paddle.
8th November
Got a big shop in because I don't want to keep running out to the shop every day, I am so busy with getting my divorce files ready. I called my youngest down to help me in with the shopping and to help me unpack it. He shouted “I'm still in bed” I shouted at the top of my lungs “get out of that bed and get down here now and help me and tell your brother too” I never saw two men move so quickly in all my life. So that appears to be the answer, just shout at them, but it's not me so I cannot see myself keeping that up.
I spent three hours going thru all my boxes and I still couldn't find the documents I need for the Affidavit. I feel so frustrated. Three hours I wasted.
My laptop is playing up. I asked my youngest three times to help me fix because I cannot lose all my typing for court. He told me not to keep repeating myself, if he had helped me the minute I asked him I would not needed to have asked three times, he then told me “I'm busy right now” I said “I will be busy when you want diet coke or Southern Comfort” He now has the hump with me, he said “I'm not a computer engineer, so I cannot look at a laptop and fix it” I said “that's funny when you can fix your own when needed so please help me sort mine” He screamed his hate filled venom at me “you spiteful, evil cunt, I'm listening to a podcast, how dare you keep interrupting me, you sort your own cunting laptop, I'm not your slave, do it your fucking self” I didn't have the energy to reply. I hate what he says to me, I hate what he calls me, I hate how he makes me feel, a fucking saint could not cope with him. One day I'm going to let rip to his face what I think, but I would never ever cause him the pain that he causes me, all I get to do is write it down here and hope writing it down gets some of the inner anger out of me. God help him and eldest if I ever blow up at them both.
He posts online “I love you” to complete strangers, he tells them “you are beautiful” “you are wonderful” “don't let anyone bring you down” yet all he does to me is bring me down on a daily, almost hourly basis, by the vile hurtful, hateful things he calls me and if I get called “a cunt” by him one more time I will explode and the fall out will not be pretty.
It makes me sick on remembering when Edel from Gheel asked me if I would meet up with another mother “to train you in how to cope because she wrote a book about it and it's very good” but when I asked some questions about this other mother, lo and behold, Gheel employ her on an as needed basis, that woman is so opposite to how I live, she has a job, she gets to hop from country to country, she gives talks to both parents and professionals, but who is looking after her kid when all this is going on, that is not my life, how the hell am I going to be “taught” anything when I'm just dragging myself thru day to day and living with the drip, drip, drip acid effect of abuse by my two sons and I never see it coming because I cannot fucking read minds. I wouldn't need any service if I lived the life this woman was living, living her life for her and not as a carer who gets not an ounce of respect from either my sons or any professional. I declined because I thought it was a complete joke of an offer and it reminded me of the Aspergers Training day I attended and I had to pay €60 for the privilege and it taught me nothing, every other person present “worked” with kids and adults with Aspergers, they did not live with them, they got paid, they got to go home and relax. I have none of this and the biggest slap in the face, me living on a low income and they all had their day paid for them by the HSE, fucking scandalous.
9th November
Up at 5.45am, cleaned the house, sorted the animals, took my dog to the park. Went back to bed at 9am and made the decision that I'm not going to be around the boys at all to protect my sanity because I've had my fill of them. If one bad word comes out of either of them to me today then World War 3 will begin and I mean it. I typed away on my laptop getting more answers done for my reply Affidavit, I am up to 200 pages of typing so far with it.
At 12.36pm I was desperate for the toilet and youngest was in the loo, I told him “I really need to go so can you please come out” he said “you will just have to wait, I'm not ready to come out yet” After having kids my bladder is not the strongest and I was about to wet myself. I told him “your mouth and attitude towards me is going to start world war 3 today so you better think about it fast before you open your mouth to me” He said “I'm in a bad mood and you do not care enough to find out why” I said “I'm too busy to think and you're old enough to snap your self out of whatever bad mood you have put yourself in” He said “you were too drunk last night to even notice or to even care” and I hit the roof, I nearly lost it completely. I started shouting so loudly and for once I didn't even worry about my neighbours hearing me “Drunk on what, drunk on what, fucking tea, you lying piece of work, how dare you make up crap about me, how dare you talk to your mother like that, how dare you lie about me, I am not responsible for your mood swings or your mind games, you're an adult acting like a child, you need help, professional help, you ever accuse me of being a drunk ever again, you ever lie about me ever again and you will be out and living on the streets of Dublin so fast your fucking feet will not touch the ground, now get out of my sight and do not speak to me until you admit you're a liar, till you apologise and if I find you have written one more thing, one more lie about me online I will smash your laptop into a thousand smithereens, I've more than enough crap to put up with and if you want to squeeze your spots, get yourself a mirror and do it in your bedroom, if I want to use the toilet I will do so when I need to”
I was so exhausted after all that came pouring out. But how dare he, not a drop of alcohol had passed my lips and even if I was out of my mind on drink it would be none of his frigging business. He said nothing in reply, he just walked away. I heard my eldest ask him “what was that all about” my youngest said “she's lost it” eldest said “you've gone too far this time” youngest said to his brother “just fuck off” I shouted up the stairs “I don't want to hear another word out of either of you” The house fell silent. I'm seething with rage at his made up lies, nothing but copious amounts of tea did I have.
I rang the court for 2 hours and got no reply, I was panicking because I need to know how to put all my documents in the correct order. I really feel like a volcano that is going to erupt.
I woke up at midnight and got busy with my court file, nothing has taken up as much time as this has, it is a total nightmare. And that prick of an ex has a bloody Legal Team to do all the work for him, the scum that he is. I will never forgive that solicitor B.M or the other solicitor who I paid €2500 for a divorce. I have no shagging luck at all.
At 6am I walked to the garage in the pitch black to get some fresh air and to get smokes. Text from my youngest “where are you, why have you gone out” It looks like he's been awake all night long again so he would have heard me up and about. I sent him a reply but he didn't text me back.
I have 9 separate court files to get in order. I need to get them bound. I need to get them sworn on oath and get them posted. Oh fuck.
Youngest came into living room and said “I'm going out and I don't know when I'll be back” I said “enjoy yourself” He asked me “do you not even want to know where I'm going” I wasn't playing his mental mind games today. he said “I'm going to an animé convention. He then told me he only had €200 left in his bank. I couldn't believe it, he's spent €5,000 in 2 months.
Walked to local supermarket with my dog. I sent youngest a text at 8.40pm asking what time he would be home and did he want any dinner made, no reply, he left at 12 noon. I started worrying about him, just like he wanted me to.
At 11.16pm he rang me, he said he was walking home and he was knackered. I asked why he didn't reply to my text at 8.40pm, he said “I do not need to reply to your texts, I have nothing to say to you” I said “so why are you calling me now then” he hung up. He knows exactly what he is doing, I have been thru all this same shit with his father. When he did get back he had a box of chocolates for me which left me thoroughly confused.
I had to put a relaxation CD on to help reduce the stress I'm feeling and the awful palpitations.
11th November
Park with my dog, working on the court files, still looking for documents again, made lunch, went to shop, made dinner, called boys down for it, youngest informed me he no longer likes chicken so is not eating it. Rugby on TV and my file are ready to be taken to E to see if it all looks okay.
12th November
Met E at the domestic abuse unit to go over what I've put together so far with my divorce reply. She said “I'm very concerned at the scale of domestic abuse you're living with re the boys and I want you to protect yourself more around the boys because I've seen first hand the stress you are under, I have been racking my brain as to who could help you because I'm so worried about you” She asked me “why are you limping” I told her “my ankles are swollen, this always happens when I'm overwhelmed but I've been diagnosed with Osteoporosis but stress makes it worse, it feels like bone scraping off bone” E said “you need to find a way to relax or you will end up dead” She read thru more I added to my divorce file, she said “it's just criminal what that man got away with and all abuse, power and control he had over you, it must have been awful to experience and now the boys are acting in just the same way with you” I said “I know” She wants me to go to see her every week.
Youngest had hoovered for me when I got home, I was chuffed he was thinking of his mum. All I want is for him to be nice and respectful, he does not need to be saint like, just nice to me. His blue converse shoes arrived and they are a beautiful colour.
The court order from the last District Court visit arrived and not a cent has that bollix paid in maintenance. I made eldest lunch, only then did he tell me he didn't want it, what a waste. Tesco with youngest, no drama, thank god. Two hours non stop printing for court.
13th November
Had a charity meeting to go to. I didn't get home till 3.15pm and had god awful palpitations and was feeling dreadful. I sent youngest a text that I'm feeling ill but I still need to go to the shop for some bits and if I come home then I won't go out again so would he please get ready and meet me off the bus and walk to local supermarket with me. He replied okay.
He wasn't at the bus stop when I got off. When I got in the house he wasn't even dressed, the back door was still locked so the poor dog has not been let out for the toilet all day. I could cry. He eventually got dressed one hour after I got home. I should have just taken my shoes off and not bothered as I was only going out for them. Youngest decided he would stand outside with my dog. I was in the shop and completely forgot what kind of Lemonade eldest said he wanted so I texted youngest, he replied “I'm going to kill the dog, she's being a total bitch” I replied “I'm at the check out and I'm tired and starving, I've been on my feet all day, I ache all over and I'm feeling ill which is why I asked you to come out with me so I do not want any nonsense out of you please” I come out of the shop and he told me “you have a anxiety disorder” I said “you have not completed your education so keep your lay man diagnoses to yourself” He said “I will never in future come out with you and the dog again, it's only due to you needing me, you're using me because you have an anxiety disorder” I asked him three times to be quiet as I was exhausted and felt ill and didn't want to hear him as all he does is turn everything into an argument, this boy cannot hold a conversation, he just starts talking about what he wants to talk about then attacks me verbally. He ignored me and I lost my temper with him, how thick does one man have to be to be texted earlier that “I'm ill but still need to get to the shop for some bits “ what part of I'm ill did he not get into his thick and ignorant skull.
It was when we were walking back to the house thru the park that I lost it with him and I started roaring at him “Do you expect me to still be shopping and carrying and cooking for you and eldest when I'm still 90 years old, what state will I be in then when I'm really struggling and ill and can hardly walk at age frigging 52, the only anxiety I have is listening to your vile mouth, your constant put downs of me, your continually telling me what you think of me, when I say be quiet, I frigging mean be quiet” He shouted back at me “you didn't even finish your education” the fool, the utter fool, I continue my education every damn year because I'm passionate about learning and he knows this. I reminded him “I had to pull out of two degree courses in another county because of eldest, you knew what it did to me because you were there, you witnessed all that went on and now here you are exactly the same as your brother if not worse verbally” I felt the tears come then and I was raging that he would see this and see me as weak, he knows what I went thru with eldest to the detriment of any life of my own, I couldn't take any more, I had been on the go since 8am and had nothing in my stomach all day and was only out shopping to get what they two needed and I got this shit from him. Whilst he was walking two steps behind me I rang the Gheel Outreach phone, I was openly crying in public and so embarrassed about that, I cursed like a trooper to Paul who answered the phone, I asked him “when the fuck will this torture be over, I'm putting up with daily mental, verbal and emotional abuse solo and I cannot do this any fucking more” youngest walked on towards home, he knew he'd gone too far because never before had I been like this in public, yes I have shouted at him, yes I have told him I will roar at him if he carried on but never, ever have I ever lost it like I had. Paul made sympathetic noises, he told me platitudes but was fuck all help and support at all. I was still crying my eyes out, I told him I was too upset to speak to him any more and I hang up.
I shouted at my youngests back “if you and your brother are hungry you can cut up the cooked chicken I just bought for your dinner yourselves because I'm not doing it” This is crazy, I don't like chicken, I hate the smell of chicken, I do not even eat chicken, I would be happy to never see another fucking chicken as long as I live but it's all my eldest will eat.
I sat alone in the park in the dark and couldn't stop crying. I'm emotionally fucking worn out and worn down and no one gives a shit. I couldn't walk probably because I'm in agony with arthritis. I'm having cardio tests done at the hospital and youngest could not give me one days peace, not one fucking day.
My phone rang. It was Paul from Gheel, he asked “where are you” I said “I'm sitting in the dark on the grass of the park because there's no benches and I'm not going home, a home is supposed to be a sanctuary, my home is a torture chamber because of my sons and their innate hatred of their own mother to have reduced me to this” Paul explained “the lack of empathy with Aspergers” I said “bullshit, they know how they feel when anyone upsets them and they know I'm not a frigging robot, I know my kids inside and out, they are living proof that their fathers mad genes and his fathers mad genes run thru them like a stick of fucking seaside rock” Paul said “put the ball back in their court and tell them how you're living is not working and ask them how it can be changed” I said “I'm not asking them anything of the sort because all I get is torrents of abuse and I'm not fit for any more, I've already gone thru what I call my house rules with them that they need to abide with till they get re housed, they're simple rules and are stuck to my kitchen cupboard so that every time they want a plate they can see them as a reminder” I said “they simply do not give a shit and would never do this to another person so why the hell should I put up with it and me exploding is a rarity because I swallow it all down and that's what is slowly killing me because it stays inside me to make life better and easier for them yet they make my life hell on earth and why the fuck should I be living like this at my age” Paul said “I don't know how you do it with one son never mind two, it proves you are a very strong woman” I said “I'm sick of hearing that from you all and it's not true, all I am is a mother and a fool because my sons walk all over me, they speak to me how they like, there's not a day gone by in 6 years that one of them has not reduced me to tears of pain and humiliation, I do not treat them like that and if I did I know they'd be screaming it from the roof tops so they bloody must know what they're doing to me feels like because they would not accept it from anyone so why do it to me” Paul said “rest up and take the rest of the night off” like I'm an employee or something, he said “do not even think about the boys” I said “you have no idea what it's like to live in a silent, suffocating, venom filled atmosphere when one of them needs to vent their spleen for no fucking reason at all to me and at me, it's horrible and degrading what they say to me and how they say it to me” He said “I will call you again later”
I walked home, my rucksack with the shopping I'd bought had just been left on the kitchen worktop un emptied by youngest. I went to bed and slept till 1.30am.
I got loads more work done on my court file and went back to bed at 4am and slept till 8am. Got awoken by the front door slamming hard at 8am. I looked out of the window and saw my eldest walk towards the park with his hood up and his head down and I felt so sorry for him, damn my weak heart that tugs for my kids. And therein lies the problem and the reason I am fucked and trapped in this situation and it will never end and I will never have any life to call my own, I will never have any freedom to relax in what life I do have left to live. I watched him then take his hood down and that made me feel better about him because he must have felt comfortable to do that outside. I stood at the window watching for him coming back, he must have just walked round the block as he was back in 20 minutes.
I made them lunch and got the 12 noon bus to Tesco, youngest sent me a text “want Lustral” the very same meds he declared did not work and he would never take them again, no wonder they make me feel I am losing my mind, he is so bloody contrary.
Rang the maintenance recovery people, they told me to take the ex back to court. FFS
Posted youngest passport form for him.
Medical card form for eldest arrived, have to take to GP to get stamped. Parcel arrived for youngest.
No call from Gheel after my breakdown of crying in the park, what a caring service they are, they don't give a shit.
15th November
Left €160 out for my eldest to pay the dentist, left him 4 Xanax on the fireplace.
Had an appointment with a lovely local solicitor. She asked me “what's wrong with you, I can see from your face something is wrong, stress is written all over your face” I said “I'm having a rough time at the minute” I showed her what I've done for my divorce, she said “do not show your hand by sending your ex's solicitor your Replying Affidavit just yet” I told her “I'm not into playing games” She didn't charge me for her time. Lovely, lovely woman.
Eldest lifted the envelope with the money in it, he didn't say a word to me.
Youngest went out slamming the front door, he didn't say a word to me. He came home with two bolt piercings in his bottom lip. I only seen them because he put his face right in front of mine asking “can you see anything” he was grinning like a Cheshire cat, I asked him “did it hurt getting that done” he said “yes” I said “good because you're an idiot doing that to yourself as those holes will be in your face for ever more and you never even had a spot on your skin, you're foolish doing that to yourself, first impressions with people and employers count” He said “you are a horrible cunt, I would never wish pain on another human being” I said “but you're happy enough to cause this human pain every time you open your mouth” he said “you are such a horrific cunt” and went upstairs. I detest his language and I detest who he's become.
Hours and hours I've spent on the new court files I need to complete, so far I have 500 pages in one file x three copies (for me, the ex and the court) 300 pages x three copies, and 200 pages x three copies
16th November
Eldest woke me up by making a lot of noise at 5am, he has the dentist today to get his teeth out so he must be worried about it. I sent Darragh Byrne from Gheel a text asking “what time will you be picking eldest up to take him, could you contact eldest directly as he for god knows what reason is not talking to me”
I sent eldest a text telling him I left Xanax out for him and he came down and started talking to me, only because he was high as a kite. He said “I want to go to the doctor and get my own Xanax prescription as they take away my nerves and my shaking” I told him “please remember the withdrawal you went thru the last time you were on Xanax but I will make you an appointment with the GP but it's an awkward process” I always have to ensure that no other patients will be in the small waiting room and he's not gone the other times I've made appointments for him, he said “I will go this time. He brought his empty meds bottles down and asked me where he should put them and I told him in the recycling bag but to remove his name from them first and he then went out into the back garden.
Rang the GP for youngests prescription. Made an appointment for eldest.
Darragh of Gheel rang me from the dentist. He was told that “eldests wisdom teeth are healthy but the Orthodontist said they need to come out” He said “the dentist said that eldest was the best patient he ever had” I said “yeah,10 Xanax inside him will do that”
A girl from the dental place rang me giving me an appointment for eldest to surgically remove 6 teeth and the cost will be €1500. I told her “he's at the dentist now and had two pre molars removed so why are you quoting for the removal of six” she said “I can only state what's on the referral that's been sent to me” I said “are you taking the mickey, how can you quote for six surgical extractions when he's had two removed today normally” she again said “I can only go by the referral” I said “this is nonsense, get someone else to ring me”
I went thru every document that I have to send to the ex's solicitor tip exing out my address on all documents. It took me hours and hours. Eldest was so wired to the moon on Xanax he could hardly stand upright. I kept telling him to go to bed and lie down and sleep it off, he had the teeth he had removed in a small bag and kept showing them to me, he left me and went off to talk to youngest, he asked youngest “who removed the empty meds bottles from my bedroom” youngest said “I don't know” so eldest came looking for me and asked me. I reminded him “you brought the bottles down yourself this morning and asked me where you should put them and I told you in the recycling bag but to remove your name from them first and then you went out into the back garden” He shouted from the open back door “you are a fucking liar” That is the worse thing anyone can say to me and I wasn't putting up with it. Youngest said out loud “I think you should go and lie down” eldest replied “I think you should shut the fuck up” I had to calm the situation down, they can get like two bulls in a China shop when they start.
Took the files for court to town to get bound professionally, youngest came with me, it took ages to find the place, it cost €90 to get them bound. Three for the court and three for the ex's solicitor.
Came home to a letter from his solicitor that a staff worker from the refuge house we once lived in brought round for me, enclosed was a case progression questionnaire, no way in hell am I filling anything like that in because I do not know what it means and I have no legal team to tell me.
Took painkillers up to eldest, he said “the numbness in my mouth has now gone but I'm in pain” He asked me again about the empty med bottles, I repeated again that he brought them down himself, I told him step by step what he did and what he said since he woke up this morning, he called me a “fucking liar” yet again. I said “you can fend for yourself if you carry on talking that way to me” he said “I cannot remember anything at all about this morning” I said “it's the Xanax because you're always like this on Xanax so in future don't take so many” He said “I have a high tolerance for them” I said “it's not worth losing your memory over, is it” He said he didn't want to eat, I got him Lucozade when I was in town as I had expected this, my nerves were now gone because I was worried he would keep coming to me and repeat everything over and over again like he always does when he's high on meds. He is such hard work and takes up so much of my time and all I do is get is nothing but abuse from him.
17th November
We are all falling apart physically in this house. My right hip has gone bad so I can't walk properly. Eldests mouth is still bleeding and youngests lip has swollen up like a fish. Had to go out and buy Nurofen for us all.
18th November
Took my dog out so I could get shopping locally as my walking is really odd and painful with my hip, fuck me I'm falling to bits with arthritis. My rucksack was so heavy. Both boys were still in pain so I dished out more Nurofen to them. Youngest said “I cannot eat, my lip is too swollen and sore and I hope you're happy about that because you said good when you asked me if it hurt” I said “it's a pity you don't have such a good memory when it comes to me telling you what I need doing to help me” After “cunt” my youngests favourite words are “I forgot” As he was walking out of the living room I asked him if he would put the heating on for me, the push in heating switch is to the left of the kitchen door so it wasn't a big deal or a mining for coal job, he said “I should be getting paid to do your job, I pay rent to you so why should I” I told him “you are a lazy twat, move out if you're not happy, no one is forcing you to live here” Sometimes, god forgive me, I wish I was deaf, my life would be so much better if I did not hear what he says because he's just vile to me.
Got my files ready for posting tomorrow and couldn't find my sellotape anywhere, I didn't want to send such personal files off without making sure they were completely sealed. I called up to youngest to ask if he had my roll of sellotape, he said he'd not seen it but I knew he was the last person using it to wrap up presents he's been buying online. I told him I can't climb the stairs with my hip being so bad, he stormed down the stairs and went thru the living room drawers. I had already looked thru the drawers. As he was looking, he said “you are a cancerous and toxic cunt” I was so shocked, that is the vilest and worse thing I've ever been called in my life and at my age I would have heard many things as a nurse working with the mentally handicapped and working in old folks nursing homes with dementia patients who would lash out verbally but those poor souls didn't know what they were saying. To hear that being said from the mouth of the son I gave birth to and breastfed cut me to the very bone. I felt the tears in me about to spring forth but instead I got angry. I told him “you are one nasty prick, why don't you go type what you just called you're mother on you're Tumblr page and you're Face Book and let all you're so called friends know what you're really like and see what replies you get, you're a nasty piece of work” He now had sellotape in his hands and he threw it at me and it just missed my face, if I'd had the energy I would have got him by the seat of his pants and launched out of the front door. He's an abuser plain and simple. This is going to stop and it is going to stop now.
I sent Gheel outreach a text asking for a call. Someone called Travis replied but I don't know him and had no energy to explain the history to him whilst both boys are in the house with me. I texted back saying thanks for replying anyway.
At 4.51pm I sent my youngest the following text: “You make sure you remember the following words. Do not speak to me if all that comes out of your mouth is nothing but disrespect. If you cannot then you will be moving out, I will not accept this any more. You are lazy, selfish, you watch your own mother do everything whilst limping and you moaned when you were asked to switch the heating on. You grow up, shut up or get out and stand on your own two feet. If you upset me with one more nasty word to me, you will be on the streets homeless tonight. I'll be letting Gheel know this too. There will be no more warnings after this text”
He came down later and told me he was having a bath and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. It's a start I suppose. Not an apology out of him tho.
19th November
I have an upset stomach. Eldest was up before I was and was in the living room reading, I told him I was going to town this morning.
Got the bus then the Luas to the Circuit Court and handed in the 3 Replying Affidavits, I asked for a receipt, the bloke said they do not give receipts. Posted the others to his solicitor by registered post in town, the weight of them. It will take them all a fortnight to read them. It's good to tell the truth about that swine tho.
Bus back, got youngests prescription. E from the domestic abuse unit sent me a text, she can't make our meeting today. I am gutted, I desperately needed someone to talk to today about my youngest. Long wait for the bus home to make them lunch.
Gheel forgot to call me again. I sent Darragh Byrne a text at 3.28pm “I would like clarification of what support and funding is in place for me whilst Edel is gone till June 2013. I had to call Paul as youngests abuse to me in the street last week had me roaring and crying. I sent a text to the outreach phone last night because I almost threw youngest out of the house. It was Travis who answered but I don't know him but thanked him for replying. So is this it? Me on my own despite a funding package in place, does no one care enough to follow up at all when a woman who has two adult men driving her nuts that reduces her to crying in the street. I feel very much alone here”
At 4.29pm Darragh Byrne of Gheel rang me, he said “I will talk to the team and give them a short bio on the family so if you call in future, the staff will know who you are and what the story is” I said “Edel already told me this would be done by her before she went on leave” Darragh said “all the staff are fantastic people” I said “you're not a service user are you and I don't consider being told whilst I'm having a crisis to go watch a film to take my mind off things by Marlene as fantastic, saying that to a woman who's in the eyes of a storm and had violence from my son in the past” He said “I will make sure all are aware” I said “I do not call the outreach team out of boredom, I call because of a crisis, I wish to hell I didn't need to have support but I was told that the outreach phone was for support, that is why I was given the number, I was told someone would be available 24 hours a day” He said “I understand” Like hell he does. I told him “my eldest has only just started talking to me after 2 months of not doing so but I don't expect that to last too long and youngest is mentally and verbally torturing me” He said “I will check in with you tomorrow”
21st November
New camera delivered for youngest. He went off to St Ann's park to take photo's, he can't get up to get his own Melatonin prescription but he can walk all the way to St Ann's park.
I found a new Orthodontist to take eldest to. I'm not happy about the dental place and their stupidity about trying to charge eldest for 6 surgical extractions when he only needs 4 removed because the dopes already took two of his teeth out of his mouth and charged for them already.
22nd November
Eldest has been up since 3am, he said “I'm not going to the dentist by bus so you need to get us a cab” I said “I can't pay for it” We left at 8.40am. It cost €150 for the new consultation and x rays, the bloke was lovely. Eldest said “I feel more comfortable here than in the other place” Eldest was told his “tooth roots are curved (so are all mine) and that “a piece of tissue or bone is still in your jaw since your last extraction” The quote at this place was “€800 for 4 wisdom teeth extractions plus €100 for sedation” Eldest said “I want to come here instead of the other place because I like this man, the other man was very formal and didn't explain anything to me but this one has” An appointment was booked for the 13th December at 9am. I handed over the €150 Consultation fee and €800 cash towards his next appointment, we still need to pay €100 on 13/12. I told the Orthodontist that eldest “has a high tolerance to sedation so I would be worried that he's not asleep enough and would feel everything” he said “I will absolutely make sure that he's fully sedated” We got a taxi home then I went off to get his prescription of Tramadol because his mouth was still “killing him” When I got back he snatched the whole box from my hands, the cheeky git. Not even a thanks out of him.
Youngest has the major hump and the only way I could find out why was to check his blog. I really wish I hadn't, he is an awful, awful man. He had written ”She is a cunt, a cancerous cunt” “I've taken too many pills today” “cut deep, bleed dry, it's the only solace” “had no meds in 5 days, no solace in sleep, insomnia ensues and blood reigns all over” “I ordered new blades today, they should be here soon” “Have you ever been starved?” “I feel nothing, 8 days to go, have broken my not being sick in 6 years by my own actions today” “Have a fuck ton of cuts on my dash” “Fuck off to mothers being cunts” “Blunt, blunt, blunt blades, this will hurt in the morning but I'm beyond caring” “K probably hates me now” “ Have not bled this much in a while” “I could go out and get more booze, live music and fresh wounds, it's all damp and freezing Uhh” “Last drink, last round”
This son of mine is truly sick in the head. Someone posted in reply “snap out of it” someone else had asked “how the fuck can you afford all the stuff you have been buying” youngest replied “Low rent, no bills, no grocery bills” only because I his mother pays the excess like the fool I am. He needs help, professional help. I have no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to, who to tell. Sod that I'm telling Gheel on a daily basis but they are fuck all use or help. He's destroying himself and I'm going to go insane in the process because of the way he talks to me and treats me like shit.
23rd November
I texted Gheels outreach phone. Travis replied “Paul will be on soon, will get him to call you” Paul rang and I read out everything my youngest had written. Paul said “it all sounds very creative and poetic” I said “my son is a self harmer and needs help, yes he writes poetry but not like this but what he does do is mutilate his own flesh with blades and has been in hospital twice and in a mental hospital for a week so how do I get him help, I have been vomiting with fear for him, I don't know whether to confront him with what I know or not, but I do know he's bought blades online, I don't know if he has them right now or if they are on their way as I speak now so what the hell do I do” Paul said “can you not check to see if he has any fresh wounds” I asked him “how the hell I do that then with a fully grown man of 19 years of age” He said “keep in touch by text” The stupid, stupid, stupid useless fucking twat of a man, how the hell is he supposedly trained in Autism, he hasn't a fucking clue and he doesn't care. What have I got to do to make one person care about my son, that cares enough to help my son, he went from being “normal” into this person I don't know, he has a diagnosis of Aspergers, he has a mental health illness and he fucking mutilates his own flesh, how can he not be helped.
What part of my youngests words written online “sounds creative and poetic” he's telling the internet world what he's doing for fuck sake. That Paul is supposed to be a trained Autism support worker, like fuck he is, he's an idiot. So what the fuck am I going to do now, it's in black and white what youngest is doing to himself, it's in black and white what he intends to do to himself and yet again Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services do jack shit.
Youngest got up at 2pm, he said “I'm going out, I need a hair cut then I'm going to a photographer to hand in my CV for work experience” He's missed the bus, they only run every half hour so told me he was getting the dart. I said “how are your old scars, do you need any more Bio Oil when I'm out later” He said “no” and lifted his sleeve up, no new scars were there, thank god, fuck me the relief I felt, I must have been holding my breath because I let out a huge sigh. I told him to be careful and off he went. Within minutes he was texting me non stop, asking “what dart do I get on” “what direction do I go” “what platform should I stand on” “what stop do I get off at” He has done that journey many times so I don't know where all this panic was coming from. I was standing doing the dishes when a thought struck me, just because he showed me his arm with his old scars does not mean he's not cut somewhere else on his body. I burst into tears at the sink, god almighty help him, help us. I was fit for nothing all day long, just so worried about youngest, he came back in a good mood, his hair is lovely, I can see his gorgeous face again.
My friend sent me a text. I replied about youngests writings and how worried I am and Gheel are not giving a shit, she rang me and I cried my eyes out on the phone to her.
24th November
Up at 5am, I've hardly slept all night, been tossing and turning with worry over youngest, I really don't know how to tell him I know what he's written and that I'll get him help. Eldest came into my room and asked me why I'd been crying, he said “I could hear you cry last night” I whispered to him what youngest posted online, he went off to check then came back into me and said “he's a dick, he deserves to die” I told him to keep his thoughts to himself, it wasn't helping and I'm worried out of my mind. He said he will keep an eye on his blog for me.
Youngest was still awake at midnight, he asked me for painkillers, he said his lip was still painful. He went out at 5pm to “take photo's” he came back with beautiful flowers for me, I was stunned. I asked him jokingly “what have you done or what are you going to do for me to get these” He laughed at that. He gave me a hug and a kiss. I so hope and pray this side of him stays with me now.
25th November
I had the strangest dream last night, it was a nightmare about my youngest falling thousands of feet from a tall building but I caught him and held on to him and got him back safely. I woke up sweating.
My computer mouse stopped working. I knocked on youngests door to ask if I could borrow the new one I recently bought him as I knew he would be in bed most of the day and wouldn't be using it. He went nuts at me, literally nuts, screaming at me “get out of my room, leave now, get the fuck out now” My instincts were screaming at me about his reaction, something is so wrong, he never bothered before about me standing at his door, I wasn't even in his room.
26th November
I'm totally drained, I've no energy, no spirit, no spark left in me. My back, my knees and my hip are so painful with arthritis. Gheel are doing nothing despite me filling them in on an almost daily basis of what youngest is writing and doing to himself, where is the care, the concern, the services, the support, where are the experts. Nowhere, why? No support call from Darragh Byrne yet again, I am fucking fuming. Why have I got to do all this on my own when they're supposed to be the so called experts, they're supposed to support me, the useless shower of bastards. I am going to lose it big time.
Youngest told me he wanted to go out with me today, I said on one condition only, I want no verbal abuse at all. He said okay, we got the bus and when we got off I was talking to him about the news headlines and from nowhere he called me a “cunt” in the street. I stopped dead in my tracks and told him “you better still have the last long text I sent you because it still stands, I will not put up with this or any abuse from you, so you better think before you utter another word to me” He carried on talking, “you should be trained in Aspergers, you know nothing and you should do because you're claiming money from the government to be a carer, it's all your fault, all you do is goad me and eldest and that's what triggers us” What a lousy, horrible bastard he is to me. I said “I did actually do a training day that cost me €60 how about you go and get training in how to be an NT, how not to be an abuser because how you talks and treat your own mother is how you will eventually talk and treat some poor woman one day and I get paid a pittance to have no other life whatsoever and you're fed, housed and clothed and bought expensive birthday and Xmas presents on my pittance of an income so how dare you talk to me like that, you can piss off and leave me alone” and I walked off and left him. He absolutely disgusts me. I went home.
I rang Legal Aid, I'm in court in 2 weeks time, they said “sorry, we have no solicitor for you” I am fucked as far as my divorce is concerned.
Youngest was in the bath, he always spends up to an hour in it but not this time, he came rushing out as if he was on fire and was also dressed and downstairs saying “something is up, I need to ring C” I asked “is that the one you went out with” he said “yes” then said “no it's a different one” and out the door he went. Eldest then came running down and asked “what's going on, he was banging about in his room then I heard the front door slam shut” I told him “it's okay, he's just ringing someone” youngest came back in, looked at me and said “do not pry” I had no intention of prying, I've enough to cope with.
27th November
I took part as an extra in a charity TV Xmas advert. It was great fun.
The postman stuck a missed delivery card thru the door.
E from the Domestic Abuse agency rang me, she said “I can tell from your voice you're not in good form as you're normally so chatty and funny and strong” I told her about the problems I have daily with the boys and with Gheel, I said “I need answers to why Gheel and the HSE are getting away with all this, leaving me in a terrible state coping alone despite me begging for support, I said I'm going to write to the Disability Manager” E said “if you put all in writing then it will be on record and it will have to be taken seriously”
I sent Gheels Darragh Byrne a text” not had any support call as expected on a Monday” no reply.
I rang Gheels Head Office in Kildare. I gave the woman who answered my name and situation and said “I want a copy of all and any files you have and I want a copy of the Family Support Plan signed off by Carol Doolan and then by Geraldine Murphy. The HSE pay for a support package for my family and I'm not getting it and I want to know why not and I want to see it from 2009 till present date” The woman I was talking to told me to hold on and put me on to a right grumpy cow. I asked for her name, she reluctantly told me “B” and asked “how can I help” I asked her if she was in the Dublin office or the Kildare office because I'd just given all my details to someone else and had no idea why I had now put thru to her. B spluttered a bit then said “Kildare” and asked “what can I do” I said “my name is Mrs X and I have two sons with Aspergers and I'm at home 23 hours per day, I have no family, I have no friends, I have no support as my Gheel support worker went on leave and there is a support package in place for me and my family yet I'm not getting it and I want to know why. I want copies of the Family Support Package from 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012” B asked “when did your support worker go on leave” I said “what's that got to do with anything” she didn't answer any question I asked her, she said “Peter's in a meeting” (the CEO) I laughed and said “isn't he always, I know exactly where he is right now, in a meeting with the Disability Managers because he always is on Tuesday's, and he will know me very well and I didn't ask to speak to Peter Byrne, I asked you for all copies of the so called Family Support Plan that the HSE pays to Gheel Autism Services” B said “I will pass the message on” I said “please do ASAP because I am cracking up here and no doubt I will be on tonight’s news media after I've cracked up”
No more than twenty seconds after that call I made to Gheels head office, Darragh Byrne of Gheel rang me and I exploded about the “lack of support and asked him “what are Gheel paid for” he said “I was at the hospital with my wife” I asked “how does that stop you passing the baton on to someone else then” he kept apologising, I said “apologies do not help me cope, apologies do not support me going thru hell here” He asked for an “update on my youngest” I asked him “have you not spoken to Paul about us, I've been keeping Paul updated continually by text but my last text went unanswered and no follow up call came either” He said “I will find out what's going on because I've heard nothing from Paul at all” He said “the lack of support calls will not happen again” I reminded him “you have said that same thing to me for many weeks now” He asked “can I get someone to come and sit outside the house and let you go off for a massage or something” I was disgusted, how the hell would I pay for that. I told him “I'm having Cardio tests due to non-stop palpitations that feel like a mule is kicking me in the chest and I still have no confirmation of who the hell will look after my kids if I drop dead” These people think they are a law unto themselves.
Darragh Byrne of Gheel rang me back at 4.05pm, he said “god you have a lot to cope with” he then asked “how real are your worries about your youngest self harming” I was completely exasperated at him asking me that. I shouted down the phone “youngest has done it twice before, which you know about and he's been in hospital twice for it, he was in a mental hospital for a week, he's posting online that he's bought blades, he's writing online about cutting himself and saying it hurts, it bleeds etc so it does not take a bloody genius to work it out does it” He asked “could we link youngest in with someone from Gheel” I asked “why hasn't it been done already, he will probably refuse now after all the let downs by Gheel staff or have you forgot the many times I've had to personally chase you up to bloody support my youngest when he came out of the mental hospital, you were supposed to call him every day to give him a bit of support but you didn't so I believe he will just ignore you until he's fallen out with me for whatever reason” I told him how “important it is that I get the promised call every Monday, I will not have spoken to anyone all weekend and if you cannot do it then I need one of the “fantastic team” to call me, it's just ridiculous I have to keep chasing Gheel up to call me, you are paid to do it” He apologised again, he said “it will never happen again” I said “that is three times in succession weekly that you have said that to me and it still keeps happening” he said “it won't happen again”
I know nothing will change at all. It never does. Eldest did not want to eat dinner today, he said he'd eaten too much bread today.
29th November
I had a good sleep last night which makes a great change. Post arrived for youngest, a lovely tartan shirt, it's a bit on the small side but is lovely.
I checked my bank account online and the ex has paid €30 into my account, he's paid nothing at all till now, I know he's only done it because we are in court in 2 weeks time.
I rang E at the Domestic Abuse place, she said “its typical of men like him” She's going to look into courses that I can do to get me out of the house and give me a bit of fun and company.
Youngest said he wanted to “chat to you about college, I've spent all my money, can you give me €900 and not take any housekeeping money from me” I said “I will do whatever it takes for you to follow your dreams” He said thanks. I do not have a spare 90 cent never mind €900.
30th November
Had a Cardio fitness test at the hospital. I had to jog on a tread mill that was then tilted so I had to run uphill, I got told I was fit and above average fitness levels. It was so typical I didn't have one palpitation whilst on the tread mill but as soon as I got to the bus stop to come home back again they started. So that tells me for certain that it's just caused by stress.
I rang the Apple store in town as youngest wanted an Apple 2TB time capsule for Xmas. My eldest said “you're fucking mad, all it is is an expensive hard drive costing €284” Apple store in town had them in stock but only three of them. I asked them to put one away for me.
Was sorting out my rucksack for court tomorrow when I re read the court letter, it's not in the morning at all, it's not until 2pm, FFS. I had to contact E to let her know as she'd booked time off her work to come with me. This means I'll probably have to go on my own now.
3rd December Court
E could not come with me, youngest came with me instead and we had a laugh and a chat which was so nice given I was a bag of nerves as this was not like the District Court at all and I was very exposed if the ex turned up and lost his head again. The ex wasn't there but his Barrister and Solicitor was. It was held in a room with the County Registrar and another woman typing. I was told it woul be informal. Informal my arse, I was reduced to tears.
His Barrister: “I understand that the children are not in full time education so there's clearly an issue as to their dependence and I ask that the court asses this issue of dependence regards maintenance as they are separately in receipt of social welfare payments now” I said “my youngest only received his in September but he was refused twice and I was refused carers allowance despite having to be at home 23 hours per day. And we do not receive any maintenance despite many court orders the past 6 years because the ex refuses to pay it”
The County Registrar asked “do both children have this Autism” I relied “yes and I have provided all medical and subsequent psychological and psychiatric reports, the last ones are dated 2011 and 2012 from an Autism service”
His Barrister: “We don't know if these individuals (my blood started rising at her description of my children) will be on social welfare the rest of their lives, I don't know, I'm not a medical person but as you know, some of them with High Functioning can work with no problem at all” I said “Oh my god, you are unreal, how dare you talk about my kids like that, I have provided all up to date medical, psychological and psychiatric reports, have you even read them, I gave them to you, I'm not going to listen to this about my kids, I have provided all proof and I didn't need to because my kids are now adults, this is unbelievable, you are unbelievable, the audacity of you, the sheer audacity of you, how dare you when all reports have been provided to you” The County Registrar said “what do you mean” I said “you must know what audacity means” and I started crying and start packing away my file and told the County Registrar “I'm not going to sit here and listen to this about my kids, if my ex had put in his Defence in 2010, I would not be in this position, that man has left us in a worse state than China” (which was a bad call as his solicitor was Chinese) I said “he has hidden or got thru three quarters of a million Euro and you say this to me, have you ever had to live with two kids with Autism, just give it a try, come take my place and live with them, I don't do it because I'm super bloody woman but because I love them, this is crazy, absolutely bloody crazy”
The County Registrar said “there is clearly an issue here regarding dependence but I'm not going into it now, there is to be no correspondence to Mrs X regarding her children until she has legal representation, do I make myself clear, no correspondence to this woman about her children from you” The Barrister said “yes” She then told the Barrister “regarding finances I have told you what I require, your client has had long enough to provide these”
I told the County Registrar “I never open my mouth unless I can prove it” she said “this is all disastrous regards dependence and finances” and she tried to assure me that “no one means to upset you” I said “that is too late because I am very upset”
There was NOTHING disastrous at all about it. I provided all reports re my kids and provided all hidden funds re the ex. It was plain and simple, it was black and white but I appeared to be the only one to see that.
The next date will be March at 2pm and she said “I hope you have a solicitor by then”
I had entered a dragon's den and was swallowed whole by people who should have know better. I left and was still crying. I called my youngest who was sitting in the waiting area and went to the toilet to sort myself out. I saw the Barrister and the solicitor stand at the exit but before they left the building the Barrister looked back in at me, I could tell by her face she was sorry but I swore if she came anywhere near me then I would have ripped her to shreds verbally. How dare she speak about my kids like that, no one can but me and I earned that right as I put in the hours of giving birth and raising them bloody single handed as that evil bastard was a hands off father who did not love one part of his own flesh and blood and if I didn't get a solicitor after this then I was not going back near that fucking court.
5th December
I rang the Women’s Refuge to talk to E, she wasn't in. I had chat with the lady who answered the phone, I told her what happened in court and told her I am still distraught about it. She told me a joke “what do you call 2000 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?- A good start” that made me laugh out loud. It felt like a long time since I had anything to really laugh about.
7th December
Letter from UK wills office, no copy exists of the ex's Grand Fathers last will and Testament and it cost me €55 to find that out.
Tesco for shopping, youngest came with me, he was down and quiet and miserable, he wouldn't tell me why. He bought Southern Comfort but said he wouldn't drink too much but he did and he was sick as a dog.
9th December
I wallpapered my living room in red stripe paper, it looks lovely and cheery, I had no ladders so was up and down using a chair, it took me forever to do it. I no longer have the energy I possessed when I was younger when I would decorate all the time but I was determined to get it finished and was still doing it at 3am.
Youngest came down the stairs wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and went into the kitchen. I walked in to see if he was okay after being so sick with drink, he was very surprised to see me still up. I saw straight away a large dark patch on his front thigh, I went closer towards him asking what the mark was, he shouted “stay away from me and don't pretend you don't know about this, they are old scars” I was horrified and asked him “what the bloody hell is wrong with you doing that to yourself” he grinned, he frigging grinned at me and went back upstairs. I sat in the living room crying, he has to be mentally ill, no one sane does this to themselves, no one copies what other people do to themselves, if he was 12 or 13 then I could understand a little but at his age, an adult, I don't understand, I knew nothing about his leg at all. I cannot even imagine the pain he would feel doing that, I am fucking totally horrified. I now know why he didn't want me going into his room when he was in bed, he must have known I would have found out and seen for my own eyes. Now I know why he always wears long johns, now I think he must have been doing this for many years and I searched my brain for what year he first asked me to buy him long johns to wear under his clothes.
I rang Gheel Outreach phone, but no one that I knew was there but I spoke to some lad who said “it's clearly psychological” (no shit Sherlock) I had to explain that “the psych in the mental hospital said it wasn't so I'm caught between a rock and a hard place” Youngest kept going outside to talk on his phone, if history is anything to go by it means it's a girl from online, the same pattern will return again, he will say something inappropriate, she, whoever the latest is will no longer want to know him and he will go downhill and only I will get the back lash, the fall out, the threats of suicide, the self harming. Youngest did not surface out of his bed till 6pm, he did not come near the living room at all.
10th December
Youngest said “I have to go out and ring C” I said “why don't you invite her here” he said “what to this shit hole, this place will always be a shit hole” There is nothing wrong with my house, it is spotless and as decent as I can make it. How dare he, what I wanted to say was why do YOU stay here then. I have no idea why and when he decided to make life so hard and so miserable for me.
Had an appointment with FLAC at 7pm, it took me ages to get to the place in the dark. All I can remember of the appointment is it was a waste of time and leg muscles because I was aching walking there and walking back. I only remember being told to get myself a solicitor for divorce which I cannot get because there is none. I have no clear memory of what the solicitor advised me because of the following happening:
I rang my eldest on the way back because it was dark and I was alone walking the streets. Eldest wasn't in a good mood, he said “I don't want to talk to you” I asked him why, he said “because youngest let the dog out for the toilet and left her outside and she was barking and it annoyed me” I said “what the hell has that got to do with me” he hung up. I rang my youngest to find out what was going on, he said in a very calm voice “I am going to kill the dog, she needs to die because you don't look after her properly, you have left her alone” I yelled down the phone at him “I left her with two grown men in my house whilst I'm out getting legal advice to divorce your father without getting eaten alive again by his legal team so because of your threat to kill an innocent animal I'm calling the Garda, that is the last threat you will ever make” I rang Gheel and Travis answered and instead of asking him to get someone I know to call me back and because I was desperate and sobbing down the phone, I told him “I've been tipped over the edge and when I get home I'm going to knock 6 shades of shit out of my sons especially my youngest who just told me on the phone he's going to kill my dog because she barked at being left outside when she's a house dog” I couldn't believe I was crying my eyes out in the street again because of my sons, I told him, “I'm not doing this one more hour never mind one more day, enough is fucking enough” Travis kept me on the phone because I was walking in the dark and very upset, he said “what you have to live with and deal with isn't fair and you deserve a medal, it's bad enough for intact family units to put up with one kid with Aspergers but to do so alone and with two, all I can say is I hold you in very high esteem” I said “I wouldn't wish my sons on my worst enemy” he said “I will get Paul to call you as soon as I can because Paul would know the family better”
Youngest rang me when I was finished talking to Travis. He said “I did not say I was going to kill the dog, you heard me wrong” I said “there is nothing wrong with my hearing and no man alive will ever say one thing to me then deny it and make me question my sanity ever again” I hang up. I know he only rang me back because he knew from the tone of my voice that I would indeed call the Garda, I've had enough violence and threats of violence to last me a life time and I've been innocent and done fuck all to deserve any of it and no grown bully boy who is actually a coward because all bullies are cowards will threaten to kill my innocent dog. He's crossed the line.
Paul rang me when I got to my front door, I couldn't talk to him properly as I was almost in my hallway. Youngest was standing behind the door, he said “I'm going in the bath” like nothing had happened at all.
Paul sent me a text asking if I was free to talk, I replied I would go outside, Paul rang, he said “Travis is really worried about you as you would normally only talk to someone you've dealt with before so he knew it must be serious because you stayed on the phone to talk to him” I explained all that happened with both eldest and youngest, he said “it's unacceptable and they should have more respect for their mother and I'm not surprised at all at you being so upset”
11th December
I kept to myself and just performed the duties I had to, clean the house, wash their clothes, go shopping, cook their lunch and their dinner and stay away from both of them. No wonder some women snap after years of abuse, I will never judge women who do that ever again.
Youngest put his head round the living room door at 8pm, he said “I've still not heard back from the college I applied to (Edel from Gheel did nothing about contacting the college he wanted to go to months ago) so I'm going to London and will go to college there” I said “that's good. how are going to pay for it” he said “I don't know” I asked “how are you going to pay for your keep” he said “I don't know, quit bitching”
12th December
I wrote a letter to the County Registrar asking for an adjournment as I'm not going thru what I did before with no legal team representation.
13th December
Woke up at 4.45am. I had to take eldest to the dentist to get 4 wisdom teeth removed, god help him. Youngest was still awake and asked me where I was going, I told him, he said “I took a Melatonin at midnight and only had two hours sleep so I took another three of them” (I know this is his way of seeking MY attention) I told him “I'll let the doctor know and if you feel ill at all take yourself along to casualty, I'm busy with eldest or you can call Gheel” he said “quit being such a cunt” I did not react or respond.
Eldest was awake and asked me what was going on, I told him youngest was messing around with his medication, eldest said “I took ten Xanax but I feel normal and happy and floating” I said “you're lucky you're still conscious” This means he will need me minding him all day long, he will hold me hostage verbally and physically and will not bloody remember anything at all, anything he does or anything he says, especially to me, I will get told all that's wrong with me, all that I do and have done wrong in his eyes, all that I should have done or should not have done, all about my so called failure of a life, this is so not fair.
We got a taxi at 7.45am. I had to physically help him into the taxi, he was staggering all over the place. At the dentist at 8.15am, we had to wait for an hour. I kept a smile plastered on my face and placated him whilst he told me in the waiting room “where you went wrong with youngest” and “how you should have been parenting him” I told him I'd walk out and leave him if he kept it up. He actually coped very well getting 4 teeth removed, he was told not to talk too much or open his mouth or eat or put his fingers in his mouth but straight away he did do and started gagging on the gauze that his mouth was packed with, the dentist took him back in and put new packing in his mouth. We had to stop en route to get the dentist prescription changed to a GP one and then into the chemist to get his medication, the taxi waited for us, he is now on two different antibiotics and Solpadeine painkillers. He went to bed when we got home which I was pleased about, I had expected him to hold me hostage but off course he could hardly open his mouth anyway. He woke up at 5pm in agony, he felt sick and needed more anti nausea meds as he'd run out of them. I rang the doctor and can collect them tomorrow.
Youngest told me “I'm ill with a head cold” there has not been a sniff out of him at all, so my antenna was up with that piece of bullshit he just told me. His passport arrived today.
I sent Gheel outreach a text saying I'm worried about youngest misusing the Melatonin meds, they are only prescribed for one per night. The reply was “Edel will speak to Deirdre and get back to you” No one did any such thing. And I had forgotten that Edel was on bloody leave anyway so that was actually bullshit I'd been told.
It is quiet with both boys in bed, it is lovely and peaceful. I took eldest water and his meds up to him at 9pm, he feels a bit better now.
I ordered youngest new head phones on Amazon for Xmas.
14th December
Awake at 5.45am. Checked on boys to see if they needed anything. Youngest was in a lousy mood, he told me “stop waking me up” I said “you must have dreamt it because I checked on you at 9pm when I went to bed last night and again at 9am and both times you have been awake so do you want or need anything and sorry for being a concerned mother” he said “that'll make a change then” I said “you can't be that ill if your abusive mouth is still active, he told me “fuck off”
Up to the GP to get eldest anti nausea meds, into the chemist and I asked the bloke about Melatonin safety as my son took 3 instead of one and what should I be looking out for if anything, he said “he should only be taking what was prescribed for him” I said “I know that which is why I'm asking you” he said “ask your GP” Helpful fucker. I bought Actifed for youngests apparent head cold.
Went shopping in Tesco, bought Malibu and Tia Maria for Xmas and put them on my living room shelf. I have a feeling this Xmas will be destroyed again like it was last year. Took the Actifed up to youngest, he was being argumentative and nasty, he was actively looking for a row or a fight but I wasn't biting his fishing line at all this time. Something is not right with him, probably another woman online who's had enough of him, he's no longer the son I had and raised, that son disappeared a long time ago and left this nasty piece of work in his place. Eldest asked me “do you want me to knock him out for you” I asked him “did you like it when your father was hurting you” he said “no” I said “how many times have I told you that violence is never the answer” he said “it will teach him a lesson which is something you should have done a long time ago” I said “if you lay a finger on youngest you will be out the door and never let back in again” He's now in a bad mood and said “why do you always take his fucking side” Beam me up Scottie, I cannot deal with either of them.
I went onto youngests blog and what I saw made something like an electric shock go thru my whole body, I felt faint, sick, desperate and know I'm not equipped with an ounce of sense in me to deal with it. He posted horrific, sickening photo's of his self harming cuts, other photo's posted were of his teeth with blood dripping from his mouth. He clearly, unequivocally has got to be insane having done that then took photo's and posted online for the world to see. Some girl, who is friends with C that he had two dates with had posted on his page “Hope you die soon” and “You deserve a beating” I posted directly on to her page for all to see “you better quit cyber bullying my kid online or I will have the Garda visit you at your place of work and your family home with your parents present so leave my son the hell alone”
He uploaded the horrific photo's on 9/12 the same day I was up till 3am wallpapering and found out about the scars on his thigh. I do not know how to help him, I do not know who to get to help him, I feel horrified and helpless, I'm fucking scared witless. I'm a broken mess, this is beyond any capabilities I may ever have had, I will never be the same woman after tonight. I howled into my pillow. No sleep came near me, I stood outside youngests bedroom door, I was so desperate to go in to him and pick him up and make him like he used to be, the son he was, my child he used to be, always with a smile on his face and the most gentle boy, so loving, so kind, so thoughtful and so normal. I just wanted to hear him breathe. I couldn't hear anything at all. I'm going to do everything I can to get him help. Someone has got to help him. I drafted a letter to Gheels Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell and also enclosed the horrific photo's that youngest had posted online. Then I emailed them.
I went to bed at 5am and woke up at 6am, how the hell can I sleep when my child is doing this to himself.
15th December
I sent Gheel outreach a text telling them it was urgent. No reply. I rang them, someone hung up after answering. I was now fit for murder. I rang the number again, Travis answered, he said he was driving and apologised. I said I have an awful crisis and I need help and I need it now. He said he would call me back in half an hour.
I rang Pieta House, My friend had said they could help me, I spoke to a counsellor on the phone, I told her everything, I cried thru out the conversation which helped no one but I was distraught, I don't know how to deal with this, I am not a mental health professional, I don't deal with mental health issues well at all, I just about managed to stay sane after all the ex did to drive me insane. The counsellor asked “who is looking after you” I said no one because there is no one in my life. She said “your son is an adult, he can make his own choices, he chooses to do what he does to himself and he must realise it, disability or no disability he must know how worried all this must be making you and he will know that all you want to do is help but because he's an adult he cannot be forced to see or talk to anyone” I said “he may be an adult but he is still my baby” She asked me to try and encourage him to go and see them because they help with this issue all the time. I said I need to wait till I can talk to him because he can flip in a second and that could make things worse. She said I can go to them myself too because I will need support around this because it's dreadful for a mother to see and cope with.
I called my eldest down, he told me I looked awful, I told him “I've had one hours sleep and I need to have a serious conversation with you without interruption and without comment and without any verbal abuse and I'm going to need you to be an adult and support me as an adult” He sat down and I told him “youngest needs professional help and has destroyed one of his limbs and I don't know if it's his arm or his leg, I cannot tell from the photo's he's posted” I said “I rue the day he ever met that Tumblr lot online and met up with them in town, that's how he started doing it and I know that the C one was doing it to herself” I said “he probably done it to fit in and curiously tried it despite the fact he had not a blemish on his perfect skin and how the S bullies would love to see him reduced to this as they always called him a fucking Emo, what the hell did they know that I didn't to call him that every day, I don't even know if he was doing it back then, what did they see that I his mother didn't see” Eldest said “he's just an attention seeker and the girl who posted to him saying “Hope you die soon” and “You deserve a beating” should have the Garda at her door for incitement to commit suicide” I told him “I've dealt her myself and told her I would have the Garda onto her”
Travis then rang me, I told him the whole story and what that girl said to youngest, he too like eldest said “that girl should be taught a lesson” I said “I don't give a shit about that girl at all, I've dealt with her and if she puts up another post regarding my son then the Garda will be sent to her work, I have the address of the fashion shop she works in at weekends” Travis then said “the only way you will get anything done is to put it all in writing but don't quote me” I told him “I drafted and sent an email to Andy McDonnell and I will also email the Disability Manager Geraldine Murphy because everyone is taking the piss by not giving supports and services and if they think I'm going to stay quiet and not scream as loud and long as I can from the roof tops to get help for my youngest then they do not know me at all, I will not rest till I get him professional help, what the fuck is it going to take for anyone to care a shag about my son” Travis said again “put it all in writing”
As soon as I was off the phone, youngest came down the stairs and my sheer terror and fear for him made me tell him “I know what you've done, I've seen the photo's and I'm getting you help, I don't know what kind of help but someone has to help you and not just a twat telling me what you write sounds creative and poetic” my words were gushing out of me, I didn't even know if I was making sense to him at all, I was consumed with adrenalin, I could hear my own heart beating in my ears, I knew it was just panic. I said “I've seen you're ripping your own flesh till the cubed fat is seen underneath and I've written to the awful bitch who wrote online that you should die” But all my youngest heard was not my concern, not my fear, not my panic, all he was concerned about was I'd been on his blog. He said “How fucking dare you invade my privacy, you do not fucking care about me at all” even tho I am the only one who does care but he was so far gone that he couldn't see this, he forgot every bit of love and respect he ever once had for his mum so because I told him I knew what he'd written and what he'd done to himself, I was yet again public enemy number one but I no longer cared, this was far too serious for me to give a crap any more about what he thinks about me or how he treats me or ignores me. He went back up the stairs and 5 minutes later the front door slammed shut behind him. Eldest said “he's carrying a large rucksack” I ran up to his room and his laptop was gone, he would not be suicidal if he took that with him. I sent Travis a text, he replied telling me “your next port of call is to call the Garda, he's a great risk to himself”
Eldest said “if you cared at all for him you would call the Garda” I was now on my last nerve and shouted at him “shut up, my son clearly needs help that I'm not capable of providing and the Garda will only infuriate him further” Eldest said “he's an attention seeking prick” I said “he is ill” eldest said “most people who are ill have no energy to do anything yet there is he taking photo's of himself and posting them all online, why would he do that if not to get the attention of people” I told eldest “stop, I don't need you like a wasp in my ear” I said out loud “perhaps Travis will have informed some professionals to get us help”
I sent youngest a text asking him if he would pick up some computer paper whilst he was out. I don't need any computer paper, it was the only thing I could think of to text him. No reply.
I was deranged with worry and fear but also very angry, he's hardly left his bed all week, he said he was too ill with a head cold to leave his bed, he had me go by bus to the chemist to get him Actifed and sterile solution for his lip piercings but as soon as I told him I knew what he was really doing, he was out the door like a greyhound out of a trap.
Eldest said he was tired and going for a lie down, he said “you should too, you look like you're going to fall down, your face is so pale. I did, I lay on top of my bed and started praying, who to, I don't know but I prayed anyway. Youngest returned at 4.30pm, he went to his bedroom, then the toilet, then the kitchen, then back to his bedroom, I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to do, my stomach was in knots, my nerves shattered, my teeth chattering as if I was freezing cold but I wasn't.
I made a big decision. I'm having no more dramas, fear, abuse, seeing blood, overdoses, threats of overdoses, being called a whore, a cunt, a fat bitch. I'm not living like this any more, I will go under and never come back to normality if I put up with any more of this. Why the fuck am I always the “enemy” with my sons.
I sent an email to the Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell, a “please help us” email including photos of youngests self-harming and his blog postings. I assume the HSE pay him, he works for Gheel, I've met him twice. I got no reply from him yet on Gheels website it states he “has extensive experience with people with A.S who self-harm” At the end of my email to him I asked “please advise” He did not give a bollix about my son. I didn't get an acknowledgement never mind a reply.
I sent an email to Geraldine Murphy the Disability Manager and received HSE confirmation that it had been forwarded to her.
In my email to this disgusting apology of a Disability Manager Geraldine Murphy who also didn't respond or reply or acknowledge my email despite this mother begging for help due to my son's serious self harming which I explained in full by email. I also yet again requested from her all copies of the Family Support Plan and what they pay to Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services. I had not one reply back from her. How the hell do these people have these jobs. I want to know how they get these jobs in the first place. They do not give a shit. They answer to no one because they are never brought to task.
Youngest is not talking to me. I again am public enemy number one. He has done this to himself yet because I found out and confronted him and because I don't know what the hell else to do I am the enemy. That is sick. He is sick. I do not care I'm the enemy but I do care about his welfare and his health but I'm detaching myself from his drama. I'm not going to fuel the flames of the fire he himself started. He went into the bath but I didn't hear the usual splashing of water he makes and I freaked, my mind was seeing him ripping his flesh apart in there, it's mental terror, I put my ear to the bathroom door, just crazy what I'm reduced to doing. Eldest came tearing down the stairs, hopping from one foot to the other, he said he was bursting for the toilet and needed to get into it now. He called thru the door to youngest to tell him, there was no answer, eldest said he'd kick the door down if youngest did not get out of the bath now. I internally screamed, I needed peace. Youngest did not get out of the bath for another 15 minutes, eldest by now was saying “I'm going to fucking kill him” I grabbed eldests arm as he stormed past youngest coming out of the toilet door, he shouted at him “about fucking time” Youngest looked like he had been crying or had just woken up and I'd no clue what to do. I asked him “are you okay, do you want anything” He said “fuck off cunt” I said nothing at all to that.
Youngests writings online:
“I cut to fat but its still not enough Fat Fat Fat Burns Burns Burns”
“I was too drunk to remember how much cutting to fat burns”
“dear god it feels like hell...."
“Enough of speaking in rhyme - my mood has lightened even though I’ve been too scared to say it. Yet I think it My blades arrived today also, I don’t think I need them though. I was asked one too many questions about it for my liking Maybe I’m just paranoid.”
“And now, over the next week, to completely destroy everything I am was and will be.”
“I feel light-headed and woozy. I probably taken too many again-”
“I can’t begin to describe how much of a cancerous cunt you are.”
“Thirteen coils in a noose. Quite difficult to tie using flat webbing.”
I had read all the above to Gheels outreach staff once I'd found out and they did nothing. For fuck sake, Paul of Gheel said it “all sounds creative and poetic” Not one of those Gheel fuckers did anything to help my youngest.
Someone posted a reply on my youngests tumblr page --- “My honest opinion...You need to cop on. Your shit is getting old. You have so much going for you but instead to decide to stand in your own self made depression. All your sadness is your fault and no one else’s. You ask too much of things rather than enjoying what (or who) they are. Other than that your quite the chap”
16th December
I can't sleep at all even tho I'm exhausted. I took my dog out at 5am, I didn't even get dressed, I just tucked my pyjama bottoms into my boots and threw my jacket on top. I came home, had a bath then went to pick up some shopping. On the walk there I texted Gheel and said “I'm disgusted and angry at your inept service to my two sons who have Autism, you're supposed to be an Autism service providing supports and services to my sons and me so please tell me where the hell is it”
Travis rang me and said “anger is good” I told him “I'm going to name and shame the bloody lot of you” he said “I'm at the end of the phone if you need to talk” I screamed down my phone “I don't need to talk, I need help for my son before my youngest succeeds in cutting an artery or a vein and dies. I need fucking help and support” I was cut off by Travis. I was speechless.
Youngest went out slamming the door behind him at 7pm. I texted Travis that he'd gone out and I'm worried due to self harming history. Travis replied by text “he is an adult and responsible for himself” Fucking hell, what the fuck, fuck, fuck, am I going to do when even the so called experts don't give a fuck about him. Youngest returned at 7.30pm. I did not move a muscle from the couch until he got back.
17th December
No sleep for me again, went out with my dog at 5.30am because the house feels like a dank cave of doom and gloom, youngest was still awake too. Christ I'm sick of this, sick of the fear, the worry, the stress, the anticipation of what's going to happen next. I have begged and I'm still begging Gheel Professionals for help, no one has replied, not even the Disability Manager. They are not and will not get away with this.
Thank god for my friend, I'm emailing her constantly, she texts and rings me and she does so of her own back, she only works once per week and is never off the phone to me, I would have sank long before now if not for her and N. My friend told me about SHINE, I rang them and left a voice mail.
Email update to Friend: “Hi Friend, thank you, I have just rang SHINE and was given the mobile number of a Regional Development Officer who I can call after 12 noon to set up face to face meet with. As for youngest he is now acting the big man, in and out the house all night long, probably on the phone because he returns after half an hour each time. He is not talking to me, the same old story, I found out so it's all my fault, I'm not getting sucked into it. No call from Gheel, just spoke to girl who does not have good English who answered their outreach number and asked her to get Paul to ring me ASAP, I am raging after the weekend I've just had with me laddo that no one was on the phone to me earlier. I will keep hounding Andy McDonnell and Tweedle Dee if no reply from them, I will send the emails I wrote to 4FM as I refuse to carry on like this another second longer. Will keep you posted Friend, you may have to visit me in Mountjoy soon as my temper is sky high, re professionals, weird that before all this, all I would do is weep like a banshee, I have changed. Take care”
No Monday support call from Gheel, THE BASTARDS, I rang them, got a girl, I told her I need to speak to Paul ASAP.
I rang the psych unit ward my son was in before and left a voice mail saying I need urgent advice about my son who was a patient with them for one week, I need to know what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to help him, how to cope with him, I left all my details and not one fucker rang me back.
I rang Gheel again, Paul answered and told me “I am busy, will call you back in 5”
I had to write everything down before he rang me back because my head's was in melt down mode:
I wanted to know if Travis had updated him and if so, why the fuck did no one come to help, why has my weekly support call not come, I want to know if any of them have any idea what we are going thru here in this house, I have emailed Andy McDonnell, I have emailed the Disability Manager, Geraldine Murphy, I have rang the psych unit ward for advice AND NOT ONE FUCKER GOT BACK TO ME. I want Gheel to take him and house him and give him professional help, they have enough places, I've seen them being built. It's not good enough me being told that help can't be forced on him. He's going to end up dead and no one, not one person will be affected by that except me.
Paul from Gheel rang me then hung up when I answered, then rang me back again, he said “I saw the email you sent to Andy McDonnell” that took a few seconds to seep into my tired and battered and shut down brain, I cannot believe that ignorant swine Andy McDonnell forwarded my email to them but couldn't throw a life line of advice, help or support to a mother going out of her mind. Gheel staff are not living with this, I fucking am. I told Paul all that plus what I'd written down but he wasn't listening. he said “we have a three point plan of action” I asked “who is we, cos there's no we dealing with this, only I am” I said “my son mutilated himself 3 days ago so where's the cavalry, the support” I asked him “did you want 5 minutes when you rang me you so that you could read the email I sent to Andy McDonnell, is that the only reason you're on the phone now with a plan of action” he talked over me and said
1- We need to get youngest to the GP to get his wound checked ASAP
2- We need to get him to see Professor Fitzgerald re medication.
3- We need to get him to see Michael McCreadie, you can both see him or youngest can alone or you can alone.
I said “do you not think that I've tried getting my son to see the doctor or to go to casualty to get his wound checked, I'm not thick, I was a nurse and I know that checking for infection is the highest priority” I said “he's on medication that he refuses to take and messes around with the dose when he does decide to take them” I asked him “why have I to see Michael McCreadie when I was supposed to see him once a month already but that fell by the wayside after just one meeting” Paul said “for support, I yelled “support, I'm supposed to have fucking support now since 2009, that's what your agency gets paid for and what I'm still waiting be told about even tho I've been asking since 2009” I was shouting at him “every time my youngest goes down hill or I find something out I tell you lot about it and I'm not having this nightmare under my roof any more, you lot can take him and give me a fucking break from this nightmare and one more person had better not dare to tell me he cannot be forced to have help when he's cutting himself deep with fucking Stanley Knife blades he bought in secret online because I have you all recorded and I will send to every newspaper in the country and every radio and TV channel about how little your Autism Service cares about their clients. My son is cutting so deep that the cubed fat can be seen and it makes me gag even thinking about it, I cannot get the photo's of his mutilation out of my frigging head” I asked him “and what if all you're supposedly putting into place fails, what then” Paul said “we'll just have to wait and see if youngest does it again and if you see it then you have to call the Garda” He then said “I have to go but will call you back” I screamed alone in the living room out of pure frustration.
I rang the psych unit ward again, no one answered. I rang my GP 5 times, no one answered.
2.35pm
I heard my youngest awake. I asked him “can you come to the top of the stairs because I want to talk to you” he said “no” I told him “I'm making an appointment with the doctor for you in case that wound is infected” he shouted down “it's not infected” I said “you had a temperature and pretended it was a head cold so it must have been infected” he said “it's not, I've been using the sterile solution on it” I was stunned, it must have been all planned by him.
I got him an appointment for 4.30pm, youngest said “I'm not going” I said “it's either the GP or the hospital ” He ignored me. I went up to his room and told him “you have to get that wound checked out” he shouted at me “you cause this” I said “thanks for that” with a broken voice, I was trying to stop myself from crying again. But I lost it. I told him “get ready for the doctor or you leave the house for good” he screamed “you are trying to make a teenager with a disability homeless, you are a hypocritical cunt,you work for a homeless charity” I don't. I'm a volunteer.
A woman from SHINE mental health rang me. She said they were closing down for the Xmas holidays now but I can call them again in January, I told her that may be too late, she said Happy Xmas. Christ almighty.
The whole country is going to be closed down for Xmas and we have no support. We are fucked.
I sent Gheels outreach phone a text “Can my son be forced to get help” Reply from Paul “No, unless it's life threatening (as in dying of an injury) and ambos are called in”
I replied in fury “None of us has any clue if it's life threatening, it's certainly threatening my life with the stress of it. He's in explosive state of mind and that's when he does himself damage. I never want to witness that again. He is my fucking child” No reply
Then Paul of Gheel rang me, I told him “you need to get to my house now and see and speak to my youngest”
Paul came to the house, all cheery and far too loud. I showed him the blog writings and the photo's my youngest had posted. Paul flinched at seeing his wound on A4 paper. I told him “you have to take this seriously and help my son, he's going to need stitches” my eldest told Paul “youngest is only acting like this because he's been caught out by mum and it's all done for attention” eldest then told me “you need to get those blades off him and you need to call the Garda but as usual all you will do is dick around and let youngest get his own way again like you always do” Paul said “you have the right as a parent to call the Garda to remove the blades” He said “I have to stay balanced so youngest can feel he can talk to me and my approach will not be about what he's done but just about getting his wound looked at, dressed then return him home again” eldest said “its all over a girl again” and told Paul about finding out “youngest has been going to meet up's in St Stephen's Green thru Tumblr and they are all depressives” Paul went up to youngests bedroom door and knocked on it but youngest ignored him. Paul talked to him thru his door for 15 minutes, youngest was telling him “she doesn't care” Paul said “if she didn't care about you she would be not doing this that and the other for you, she would not be doing her all to get help for you, I would not be standing here talking to you, the only reason I am is because your mum cares about you” youngest said “all she cares about is not being seen as a bad mother” Paul said “she's hardly that, look at all she has to deal with, if she was a bad mother, you would be left alone to fend for yourself, shop, cook, clean, launder your own clothes, pay all your own bills” youngest was not interested at all, he would not come out of his room at all, he would not open his door, he would not show Paul his wound. When Paul came back into the living he told both me and eldest “he will not listen to me, he has an answer for everything, he's stating he wants to be left alone to do what he's doing” I said “he can't be doing that under my roof, I can't cope with it” Paul said “I asked him if the feeling and sensation he got from cutting helped him but he said he did not wish to discuss that, there's no point in talking about that” Paul said “I tried to talk to him about Aspergers and Depression because he's saying he's depressed” I said “he spent one week in a Psych Unit and did not come out with a diagnosis of depression” eldest said “he just wants that diagnosis to fit in with all his new friends from Tumblr” Paul said “he doesn't see the point in talking about it, I told him some people are happy with their depression, it defines them as people but he told me he didn't want to carry on with the conversation” Paul said “if I get yes and no answers to questions and it changes to I don't want to talk about that then I know I've hit a nerve” I said “it's a bloody artery or vein I'm more concerned about him hitting because my boy could lose a frigging limb” Paul said “he's not willing to listen to me at all, he told me he cannot talk to me because he doesn't want to talk at all, I asked him if he wanted me to come back later but he said no, so I've not seen him because he wouldn't open his door” Paul's phone rang, he said “Hi Peter” (it must have been Peter Byrne the CEO of Gheel) he said “I'm down at the house now and talking to Anne” he came off the phone and said “youngest can go see Professor Fitzgerald on 24th December” I said “I'm more concerned about now” he said “youngest can be told it's just for a check up, a review of his Melatonin medication and he can ask the Professor about depression and get meds for that” I said “he seen the professor before and he did not come back with any prescription of meds for depression” Paul said “I was there but didn't go into the meeting with the professor so I don't know what was said or spoken about” I said “I cannot be left alone to cope with this, I'm only one person, can you go and ask youngest to give you the blades so I'm not on hyper alert mode with worry about what else is going to happen because if he doesn't hand them over, I will call the Garda here to take them” Paul said “hopefully his wound will not be deep enough to cause problems” I said “that photo proves his wound is deep enough to warrant stitches” Paul said “I don't think he will give up the blades, no matter what I tried to talk to him about he had an answer for it all except when he decided he didn't want to speak about that” I said “ I need a break and peace of mind from all this” he said “Gheel are only for those with high levels of Autism” I said “he needs to be given a shock” Paul said “it needs to be the right kind of shock” I said “I cannot see him bleeding again, I could deal with it if it was anyone else but I can't deal with it because it's my baby” Paul said “that's because he's your flesh and blood and I did ask him if there was a risk he could go too far with the self harming, he asked me what did that mean, I said we are worried about you getting an infection or could cut deeper than you intend to, but he told me he would be fine” eldest said “he has been lying to mum because he's had her buy him sterile solution under the guise that it was for his lip piercings but obviously it was to keep his self harming cleaned” Paul said “it looks too clean a cut for it to be a knife blade” I said “I don't care what he's done it with I just need him helped and all this stopped” Paul said “see if you can push him to go see the Professor on 24th” I said “he refuses to communicate with me but I'll text him about it but he'll carry on making life a living hell and will probably have the hump now as you said that you “touched a nerve” with him” Paul said “I can give him a call over the weekend” eldest said “you know he will not answer you” Paul said “he knows he couldn't go into the Ilac centre in town or anywhere else and do what he's doing, he knows it would be unacceptable, he needs to first get help” I asked Paul more than once “what we do about the blades he has in his possession” Paul just said “put down rules about how he lives under your roof” I said “he knows fine well already” I asked “so what's the best thing for me to do about those blades” Paul said “you're dealing very well with this by not reacting to his antagonising of you, he knows that you're extremely anxious and drawn out because you're someone who does care and all that he's doing and has been doing is reversed psychology and switching all he's doing and saying into blaming you, its self protection on his part” he said “if, as he's claiming, that you don't care about him, why would you have had the Garda kick in one of your doors to get him helped and seen to, you would have just ignored him and let him carry on with what he's doing to himself and if you did just ignore him you would also be told you were to blame by him” I said “so I get the blame no matter what I do, so I'm fucked full stop” Paul nodded his head. He said “I think you should again try and open up the lines of communication with him” I said “you do not know my youngest at all and I do know my son, he's not himself and when he closes down he closes down full stop and everything I do even just the sound of my voice antagonises him and I'm not prepared to do that when he still has the blades in his possession” Paul then left saying “I will try and call him and engage with him”
I started writing my rambling thoughts down and it ended up as a letter to my youngest, an almost begging letter from a mother to her son. I'm praying he sees thru his own anger and sees for a second what he's doing to himself and doing to me. I want him to realise how I feel, how much I love him and how much I want to get help for him. I sent it to Paul at Gheel first to ask for feedback so nothing in it would be antagonistic to my youngest.
My rambling thoughts email to my youngest:
“This did not set out as an email to you but merely my ramblings as I've now been days without sleep despite finding and taking sleeping tablets. I suppose adrenalin coursing thru one's body will counter act anything consumed. I do not know how to help you, self-harming, taking a blade and piercing one's own flesh is totally alien to me, it makes my own blood curdle (like a dentist's needle going into my mouth) it has never been part of my world and I will never understand it, even if I took a degree in it. All I know is I am your Mam, your “tiny” Mam who has loved and adored you since the day you were born not breathing. I was alone, totally alone when you came into this world, just like I am now in fact but I willed you on and I nurtured you and I loved you and you made me laugh with your infectious giggle that had strangers in Supermarkets stop and laugh too and I encouraged you every step of the way. I fought every battle for you when you were bullied, I embarrassed myself with my fish wife mouth when all I wanted to be perceived as was a lady and not as some single mother scum that most of this country deem us to be according to some chat show radio programmes but I would do it all again because I did it for you and not because I had to but because I'm your Mam and that's what Mams do. I don't know if you remember but when you first mentioned thinking you may also have Aspergers, I was horrified and terrified, after all we had gone thru with eldest, no way could this be happening again and how did a Mam, who considers herself, and has proven via education she has above average intelligence not know what was wrong with the kids she gave birth to. When it was confirmed and we both went to the Dr, I had to sit on the wall outside DID Electrical and I cried in the street like a howling banshee much to your amusement, bemusement and bewilderment, you would have to be a mother to appreciate and realise where all this emotion came from, the very depth of my heart and soul. This was not how it was supposed to be, in my minds eye, you were finishing school (you know I'm a huge advocate of education, knowledge equals power in my eyes) you were going to college, you were travelling the world becoming the greatest architect there ever was, you were getting married to a girl who would love you forever, you would be wearing a kilt and wearing the Scottish cuff links I've had for you since you were 3 years old and still have today, I was not living your life for you, just explaining that every parent has in their minds eye, albeit unconsciously, a progression chart for their beloved child. It is considered norm, yet what is norm. To me, norm is how I used to be, happy on waking, so much so I would throw the duvet off and sing my way to wake both you and your brother up and get your breakfast ready before school, that is probably why you hate my singing as it was your own personal alarm clock and you were a bloody nightmare to get up in the morning. To me, norm is going out to work, but always working around you and eldest so that I was always there for you both after school, even when I worked a totally crap night shift job grading fruit for fuk sake I was always home with a smile on my face and got you both ready for school, walked you both the mile there and home, cleaned house, did laundry and then collected you both at home time, taking you to the shopping centre via the second hand toy shop, I was a happy Mammy, despite an unhappy Daddy. I loved and protected you both to the best of my ability and I had no role model, as you know. I was so close to you that no one could have got a pencil between us, no one, I of course love my eldest but you and I had a very unique bond, that now seems strange considering the “mind the gap”that is now between us, you are like a stranger that I feel I have known from somewhere in the recess of my mind....how could this have happened.... the only way I can explain it in “my norm” is that someone came in the middle of the night and stole my son, I do not know where the son I had and was so very close to has gone to. Maybe we were too close that it could not continue, maybe I depended on you too much, maybe the shit we all went thru tortured us all to such an extent that the word “norm” no longer figures in any of our vocabulary, who knows but God knows I have tried at all times to keep us together as a family, a roof over our heads and food in our cupboards and fridge and freezer, we have froze, we have gone hungry and we have gone to hell and back but I hope you can realise that I have “stayed the course” I was the best Mam I could be tho I never had one myself, I had no blue print. I am grateful for all your support and you have indeed been a fabulous support at all my family court appearances, I know that you know how stressful these are for me as despite all and every happening, you know I'm an emotional being who still gets affected with these court dates and even adverts on the tele, that is just me. Remember “Love Actually” anything sung by Al Green or Bon Jovi... it's just your Mam and her emotions. Yes, I have cajoled, threatened, roared, cried and shouted when nothing else has worked, that is just me, my personality and thank god for it else we would have been fuked a long time ago, we would have all sank. And sinking is not something I do well. There is a pattern to where you are now, you may not realise it but I realised it last Xmas which eldest ruined and my poor friend, my Guardian Angel came to my rescue. I have not realised this pattern exactly but to my mind it goes like this, correct me if I am wrong.... You want, need and crave connection with someone, you achieve this, you have this, you lose this and you do not know how to deal with it so you cut yourself, slightly and shallow to start with but now medically concerning. If someone's head was hanging off and I was not emotionally connected to them, then my nursing skills of old would come into play and I would calmly deal with them but when it comes to you, my child, I internally go into free fall and cannot deal with it, I practically lose my mind, but I will be dammed if I give up, give in, it will not be for the want of trying. It really hurts, pains me physically that we no longer communicate, you were my rock as I hope I once was yours, was always yours, you hurt me soul deep with the things you say to me, call me, I have a bigger mouth and could cause you real emotional, verbal pain but I never would, never could because I love you, I always have and I always will, no matter what. I may threaten to call the Garda, to throw you out, it comes from a place of fear, of hopelessness, of worry, of despair, of desperation but also because I love you so much and do not know what to do or how to help, I do not want to see you hurt no more. Mam xxx”
He did not reply.
Email From Paul of Gheel: “Hi Ann, Wow! That is beautifully, and heart-wrenchingly well written, and very personal too -thank you for letting me read it. It tells youngest everything you want to tell him in a sharing-it-with-you way, that has no accusatory tone, and has that whole feedback framework of positives with gentle and unobtrusive, yet concrete reminders of issues at hand and some negatives that have developed. A suggestion, if I may though, would be not referring to eldest ruining last Xmas, so as not to distract him from your message of you-to-him and what is happening between you both. With the paragraph about being close that a pencil couldn't get between you both, would youngest read into the "stole my son", "where has the son I had and was so very close to has gone to", and "it could not continue" sentences and interpret them as being 'final', as the relationship being over, finished? Not sure, just thinking from the Asperger's mind's perspective.....and how youngest may focus on some details but not in context of the whole? I think it is very balanced and fair to all, and gives him plenty of room to move and make moves in yours and his' relationship. I suspect his initial reaction may be dismissive and/or derogatory, of varying degrees, but if he doesn't respond positively initially then I would hope and reasonably predict that he would respond better in the near future. I wouldn't be surprised if he was to debate some points in the letter, and try to poke holes in it, but that would indicate he has read it, and taken note of the detail enough to pick at it, so that's a positive in a way too, as it means it may be working sub-consciously! Good luck with it Ann, hoping it gets results! Are you planning on sending it tonight or tomorrow? Paul”
18th December
No support call from Gheel. No reply from the Disability Manager Geraldine Murphy or from the Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell.
Youngest was leaning on the kitchen worktop on his elbows when I walked in to put the kettle on. I asked him “are you okay, do you want anything” he completely ignored me and walked out. I know he must have read the email I sent him.
Not one phone call or text from Gheel.
At 4pm I rang the Psych Unit ward for the third time in and a nurse answered. I told her all that's been going on and that I cannot sit back and wait till it happens again and that I had been told I had to because nothing could be done. I told the nurse he is normally so placid but when he gets like this then he's capable of really hurting himself and his other wounds on his arms are like cat scratches in comparison to this latest one which I'd read online he had done on the 9th Dec and I've previously left voice mails and no one had got back to me. She said “I'm shocked about his self harming and that no one so far has done anything at all to help” She said “he has to be medically checked out, this is a dangerous situation and someone should be intervening, it's a scandal that no one is supporting your son or you properly and someone has to, especially because he still has the blades in his possession and has the potential to use them again as history has now been proven to that, you should call the doctor to come out and check his wound” I said “the doctor won't make any house calls even if you were at deaths door” she said “then call D Doc because his mind set also needs to be checked out, what he's doing to himself is a mental health issue and needs to be dealt with and it's better to be safe than be sorry afterwards and what that person from Gheel told you is just nonsense” (“No, not unless it's life threatening (as in dying of an injury) and ambos are called in”) because he can be helped now and he should have been helped the instant you found out” She said “he needs to be going on form by a doctor for his own safety” She said “call your doctor now and if no luck there then call D Doc”
I rang my GP. I was told he would call me back. He rang me at 5pm, I filled him in and told him what the nurse at the Psych Unit just said to me. The doctor said “youngest does not mean to do it, it's a cry for help” I said “so bloody help him then because no one else is and youngest is no longer communicating with me or anyone else and I'm once again the devil incarnate with him” The doctor said “all that can be done now is that he gets sectioned for his own safety and welfare and he clearly has deep seated psychological problems and only psychiatry can help him with these” I said “I just want his deep wound checked and the blades removed from him so he cannot do it again with whatever blades he's bought online” The doctor said “I have to fill in some forms which could take a couple of days and I will get the ball rolling tomorrow so ring the surgery in the morning” As he'd obviously no intention of coming to the house I asked him for an email address so he could see for himself my youngests horrific wound, he told me he didn't have a work email but he gave me his personal email address. I sent him the photo's as soon as we had finished talking on the phone.
Youngest went out at 7.26pm, when he came back he asked me for wrapping paper and a selection box to eat. That made me feel like I was going crazy, that was so normal for him to ask but after all he's done and said it no longer feels normal at all to me. Maybe he's coming back to himself again.
Travis from Gheel came out to the house. I asked him had he been updated about youngest by Paul, he said no, I said “I feel like I've been left on my own since Edel left and now Darragh Byrne is off to” I told him about Paul’s visit to the house and what he told me youngest had said. Travis said “it sounds like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't” I told him about the Psych Unit nurse and the doctor wanting to section my youngest, Travis said “you need to accept whatever it takes for youngests safety and keep that in mind at all times that it's not being done as a punishment to him but for his own safety which he should realise himself, you need to think too about your own peace of mind, you need to get some kind of a break from all this, some kind of a life, I think you take on too much, you can call me any time, I'm back on Thursday but I'm here all night so phone if you want to and not just if you need to because that is what I'm there for, just stay in touch and let me know how you're doing because I know you would not have many people to talk to at all, you can only do so much for the lads, it's time to think of you too, you need to look after yourself” Travis left after an hour. He's a nice chap and sensible, he didn't talk down at me or over me and he didn't talk shit either like the others do.
I got no sleep again. I am terrified at how this is all going to pan out, Travis was right, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
19th December
Could not lie in my bed any longer, took my dog to the park. Cleaned the house then went to Tesco for shopping at 8.30am, unbelievably it was jam packed that early in the morning. I stood still watching the other shoppers fill there trolleys high, only then did it dawn on me it's Xmas week so off course the place would be busy, no happy Xmas for us again this year. I walked around those aisles with tears dripping silently for my family. I have no shame left in me at all. When I got to the checkout I told the woman I had an awful head cold to cover up the state of my appearance with my weeping eyes.
At 9.30am I went up to youngests room and begged him to come to the GP with me otherwise he will be forced and if that happens then he'll have no access to his own phone, his laptop, to anything he owns as it will all be out of our hands, I begged him to go to the doctor and get this sorted out, to just go and talk to the doctor before it's too late. He said “fuck off out of my room”
The front door knocked and youngest flew down the stairs so quickly that I didn't have a chance to answer my door. Another parcel was delivered for him. He later brought down a large bundle of presents and put them under the Xmas tree. I thought to myself how strange that he would do that, put presents under a tree for us who he detests and will not speak to, nor will he allow us to speak to him. It felt like a final act to me and my now sky high levels of stress went thru the roof and I acted accordingly and told eldest, he immediately went to youngest and asked him if he was alright, he too got roared at “fuck off” I now know for sure that my youngest has lost the plot as he would never talk to my eldest like that, he knows what eldest is like and would not hesitate to have any excuse to punch him, he's as scared of my eldest as I am. I sent a text to Gheel, saying youngest is explosive towards his brother, help needed please. Someone called Richard rang me. I don't know him and was too tired to explain any history, I asked if Paul was there, Richard said he was the only one available but would help me if he could. I told him the story, he said “in my opinion the doctor should be called to the house and he should have visited youngest the first time you contacted him, I will call the doctor myself and explain the urgency, it's not good that he's not been see by anyone since you found out about his deep wound 5 days ago”
Richard from Gheel rang me back, he said “the doctors is closed half day today but I was told that the doctor may be in later and a message will be passed on by the receptionist”
I gave my eldest the envelope I've been keeping his money in as I'm scared I'll have a complete breakdown over all this. I told him he needed to look after his own money now. There was €4,600 left in the envelope, I almost had a panic attack thinking the rest had been stolen but then remembered the cash payments that were paid to the two different dentists for consultations and extractions.
Text from Gheel, no idea who wrote it “Michael McCreadie will be around 2moro to follow up with”
I cannot sleep. I do not feel very sane at all. I wish I could switch my brain off.
20th December
At 5.51am, I heard my youngest climbing into his loft bed to go to sleep, he too has been awake all night.
Youngest came down the stairs at 8.40am as I was in the kitchen, he walked straight past me as if I wasn't there at all. He made himself wraps filled with doritto's, he's still acting like I'm not in the same room as him. It's a horrible feeling but I expect he knows that which is why he's doing it.
Call from a with held number at 11.27am. I answered and it was Paul, he said “I thought youngest would be down to meet Michael McCreadie in Gheel's office” I said in a very sarcastic tone because what he just said to me was just sheer stupidity. “You expected my son given the state he's in which you know about, to be up, dressed and out the door and gone down to Gheel do you” Paul said “well yeah” I said “good luck with that” And told him I had to go because the door had just knocked. It was another parcel for youngest, I squeezed the life out of it, just in case.
Text from Paul of Gheel at 11.48am “I spoke with Martin there and we can organise Michael McCreadie to come to your house for 3.45pm and try to speak to youngest there, if that would be ok with you, can you contact the outreach phone to confirm or decline. Need to get youngest to engage in some way to hopefully deal with the self harm issue and think that Michael would be better at talking thru the door than I was the last time. Thnx. Paul”
I have never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life. It is now 6 days since I found those photo's of my youngests horrific wound online. I have hounded Gheel, I have been told shit, I have been advised utter nonsense and I'm taking no more of their bullshit lies and promises, they should bloody start remembering what they say to me.
I replied “Do what you want. You have all left it too bloody late to care now. I informed you all 5 weeks ago of my youngests intentions via his writings and now I'm left with a boy deeply depressed, non communicative with a long deep week old wound who still has some form of blade in his possession and who has not slept in days. Thank you all for caring so much about my boy”
BASTARDS THE LOT OF THEM.
At 1.22pm, I kept ringing my GP. The receptionist answered and said “give me your number and I will call you back in a minute” At 1.26pm the nurse rang me, she said “I'm putting you thru to the doctor” I asked the doctor “is there is a fast acting anti depressant that you can give my youngest” he said “no” He said “it's psychiatric help he needs and I will fax Dr Daly and mark it urgent” he said “he needs to be assessed and it's all for his own good and his own safety, where exactly is the wound on his body because he could give himself nerve damage if he does it again, he has no idea the risk he's putting himself at which is why he needs an urgent psychiatric assessment” I told him “I don't know where the wound is” I asked him “can you not tell from the photo I emailed you” He said “I will send an urgent fax at lunch time and a team will make a house visit because it's urgent”
I sent youngest a text telling him the Consultant Psychologist Michael McCreadie will be out to see him at 3.45pm and the GP is getting a team out to the house to assess him to help him. No reply. He cannot say I have not informed him every step of the way.
3.40pm. After I was told that Michael McCreadie would be out to the house at 3.45pm there was no sign of him. Instead I got a phone call from him, he said “I seen the email you sent to Andy McDonnell and the photo's and I want a sense of the time line, all leading up to the event” I told him “I know nothing about any event and what you're calling a time line was all written on the email I sent to Andy McDonnell so why are you asking me to repeat it again” He said “could you just tell me yourself now” I told him “I know when my youngest goes downhill because he gets horrible to me verbally and blames me for everything and he ups the ante with abuse so horrible it reduces me to tears and with youngest having hurt himself twice before, I stay on alert now and investigate when his mood changes and found what he'd written on his Tumblr page, I informed both Darragh Byrne and Paul by phone and by text each time about what youngest had written because I could see his words were getting darker and darker but Paul said it all sounded creative and poetic and that help could not be forced on him unless it's life threatening which I just found out by talking to a psychiatric nurse is bloody nonsense and I only found out about my youngests thigh scars a week ago so this is the 4th time I now know of that my youngest has cut his own body” I asked him “are you all going to just sit back and wait for me to inform you all he's dead by accident or design because if he hits an artery he will be dead within seconds, I was a nurse, I know about these things, not even a bloody ambulance will have time to get to him if he does that, if he cuts a nerve then his limb will be paralysed” Michael asked “what kind of blade is he using” I said “I don't know but obviously a very frigging sharp one by the looks of things” I told him “I've emailed and spoken to my GP twice now about my youngest” and told him what my GP had said needs to happen. Michael asked me “did the doctor not mention prescribing anti anxiety medication” I said “no” He asked “can I speak to youngest” who by then had walked into the living room to sort thru the Xmas presents he had put under the tree. I held the phone out and told him that Michael McCreadie wants to talk to him, he just ignored me and walked out. I followed him up the stairs, his bedroom door was now jammed shut, he shouted “I'm not fucking speaking to anyone, leave me the fuck alone” Michael heard him, my palpitations went haywire. Michael said “I'm going to call your doctor as things do not sound good and I'll email youngest too, I've re read his file and it has his email address on that, a crisis team should be sent round now as that's what they would do in Scotland” I reminded him “we aint in bleeding Scotland” he said “if youngest does reply to my email I will let you know, it's very serious now because it's a mental health issue and I will ring the doctor now, this very minute”
I never once heard back from that man Michael McCreadie, a Health Psychologist with over 25 years experience working with people with neuro-developmental conditions.
At 7pm my youngest ran a bath, I asked him to let me use the toilet first because I know he takes forever when he goes into the bath, he ignored me and shut the door in my face and locked it.
At 9pm I was doing the dishes and eldest walked in. I sighed and said out loud “thank god this day is over” eldest said “that prick would suck the life out of everything, the atmosphere in this house in terrible, it makes you feel like you can't breath, it's like dad all over again” I said “I know” because he described it perfectly. It's just a pity that eldest himself cannot see that he does exactly the same to the atmosphere in this house with his own ways.
No support call came from Gheel. Useless Twats.
I'm going to email Sinn Fein so at the very least, all that Gheel and the HSE have NOT done is on record. I will never give up as we should all have had supports and services.
21st December
Awake at 3am, just lying wondering how this became my life without my consent. Wondering when it's all going to end, if youngest will ever come back to normal and not this horrific individual he's become. Foul mouthed, bitter, twisted, angry, a bile filled demon who cuts himself badly and still has the blades in his room. He was still awake when I got up at 5.30am, he was typing away on his laptop.
I needed to get to town for wallpaper but had a chair and a foot stool being delivered today. I asked eldest if he could get up and sign for it, he told me “no because I'm in a bad mood and do not want to open the door to anyone” I felt like exploding. I had already cried over a stupid Xmas advert on the TV this morning, now I felt like screaming the house down and scaring the life out of my sons like they scare me all the time, I never know if I'm coming or going with them. I noticed youngest had put another Xmas present under the tree for me, why would he be doing such a thing when he openly despises me so much, I apparently “cause “ him to self harm, why buy presents, he cannot even talk to me, he pretends I don't even exist. I know I'm going to crack up and all the professionals know it too because they know all that's going on because I tell them and I tell them because I cannot cope and I need help but none is coming. This professionals in this place it are all fucked up and clearly all in the wrong profession. It's just a job to them, there is not one caring bone in any of them. All Gheel have done to date with their support workers is quote what they've learned from books, college and conferences that they're probably forced to attend, they have not one fucking idea of the reality, not one idea of what my life living with my sons is like, they would not last a minute.
I am smothered head to toe in weeping eczema, it's stress I was told by the doctor. (no shit Sherlock)
I rang the Sinn Fein office and spoke to lovely man, he gave me an appointment for 7th January at 1.45pm.
The chair and the foot stool arrived, my eldest loves it but not enough to have opened the door for it, he did tho help me put it together.
My friend rang at 12 noon.
No support call from Gheel.
I went to town for wallpaper, eldest sent me a text, he rarely does that, he said “youngest is stomping about in your room asking where your head phones are because his are broken and he wants yours”
At 3.27pm I was home. Youngest asked me “do you know where my messenger bag is” I don't use it so was surprised he was asking me. I found it under the stairs for him. At 3.38pm he went out, I had no idea where to because he didn't say a word. His behaviour is increasingly strange to say the least. My eldest helped me go thru his other bag to search for the blades we know he has, we don't even know what they look like but we're now both worried sick.
Still not any support call or any text from Gheel, they really are scum.
I rang the Mental Health community team asking if they'd received the urgent fax I was told would be sent to Dr Daly by my GP. A lovely nurse searched everywhere for me but nothing had been received. She said “it's rubbish what you've been told because we don't send out “a crisis team” to anyone's house, that just doesn't happen and your doctor should know that too and because your son was a prior patient at the psych unit all your doctor had to do was refer your son directly” I was furious about my GP. She said “I have been trying to ring that doctor all afternoon and when I do get a hold of him I will mention your son to him” she then said “as you and your other son live with him and no one else is helping you then it's up to you to do all that you can to get those blades of him given his history and his lack of self care or any medical attention, do you know if he has them in possession now, has he gone out with them” I said “he must have done because we searched his other bag and his bedroom” She said “ring the Garda, they can keep eye out for him from a distance and stop and search him if they have to, just phone them and talk to them and keep me posted because you are going to need support from somewhere as it appears to be sadly lacking from those who should be supporting you and your sons” I thanked her because the relief of her saying she would be of support to me was a god send.
I rang the Garda, they were very kind, they know my youngest, they said they would keep an eye out for him and if he came home in the meantime, I should call them back and let them know.
At 5.29pm I send my youngest a text “Where are you” He replied “out” eldest then sent him a text asking “Do you have those blades on you” No reply from youngest.
At 6.30pm youngest returned, I asked him “where have been, are you okay, he acted like I was not in the hall way in front of him, he just completely ignored me and stomped off upstairs.
I rang the Garda and told them “he's back, he's okay but non communicative” the man asked “did you manage to get the blades off him yet” I said “no, he's ignoring both me and his brother about the blades” The Garda said “I'll send a car round to the house to try and talk to him and make him see that he cannot be acting like this under your roof”
I told youngest “the Garda are coming to the house about the blades” he shouted down to me “I do not give a shit”
At 7.08pm the Garda were in the house. I showed them the emails of my youngests writings and the photo's of his self harming, the woman said “Jesus Christ, that looks painful” They both went up the stairs to talk to him, he started roaring at them “get out, I'm not dressed” They came back down and said “he's a difficult customer, we saw old scars on his thigh but there's not much we can do, he's quoting his legal rights to us, he told us we had no right to be in his room, that he's an adult, he said he knows nothing about any blades and how dare we enter his room when he has no trousers on” I said “he's lying about the blades” the woman said “I know he is, he knows more than me or T do, we cannot search his room and it looks like a bomb has gone off in there and he's not posing a risk to us but we believe he needs help so would advice that you get D Doc in immediately for his own health and safety, he obviously has real problems and if we arrest him he could be at the station for hours waiting to see any doctor we call out to get him assessed” I told them both “I am sick of telling the doctor and Gheel” the woman said “just go thru D Doc now, your doctor and the agency are not doing their job so forget them but keep on at your own GP, its not good enough after all we've just read and seen, I cannot understand what you must be going thru but if he leaves the house we cannot touch him, we know he's lying to us but unfortunately we don't have the powers to do anything because he's not displaying untoward behaviour towards us”
As soon as they left. I told my youngest what the Garda advised I do “but I don't want to do that but I'm giving you every opportunity here so can you please just agree to have your wound seen to” youngest came to the top of the stairs and just verbally ripped into me “ all I want is to be fucking left alone and for you to fuck off, just leave me alone and fuck off” I said “I am not fucking off anywhere, this is my house” he screamed “I pay rent and do not expect the Garda to come storming into my room” I said “they hardly did that, they were very respectful” He started roaring obscenities screaming at the top of his voice “You are whorific, you are a cancerous cunting whore” “How dare you get the Garda to invade my privacy” “Even the Garda know you are an evil cunt and wasting their time”
I left the house with him still screaming obscenities at me and went out walking to the park to call D Doc. I had to walk around the park to wait on a nurse to ring me back. I was freezing and shaking with the cold and with fear. A nurse called me back and took all the history and said “an emergency just came in and unfortunately for you it does sound like mental health with your son and your own doctor should have responded to it straight away but I will do so now and get the papers ready and you should complain in writing about the family doctor and about Gheel”
When I got home eldest came down to find out what was going on and I told him, he said “it's the best thing for him and should have happened when you first found out” I called up to youngest “I've rang D Doc and a doctor will be out tonight to check your wound”
At 9.34pm, D Doc and his driver came into the house, they read his online postings and saw the photo's of his horrific wound. The doctor said “this is bad” and he went up to youngest. Youngest asked him who he was then told the doctor “she is just being ridiculous, there's nothing wrong with me, I just want to be left alone with no more harassment of strangers entering my room” He asked “can I get dressed in private and I'll then come down and talk to you” he walked down and came right up into my face and said “you are a horrific cunt of a human being and a terrible excuse of a mother and a cunt” I said “you are clearly not well and need help, he said “help, what would you know, cutting is a form of depression and a personality disorder and I'm not cutting any more” he went into the kitchen and got himself water and came back into the living room, the doctor asked my eldest and me to “leave the room so I can talk to him” The doctor told youngest “what you're doing to yourself is very dangerous” youngest said “I've not done it for a few weeks, two to three weeks and I'm not going to do it again” the doctor said “how can that be true when you have now a history of doing this, let me see your recent wound to check it out” youngest said “I'm not exposing my body to strangers” eldest nudged me, he had his ear to the kitchen door listening and said to me “but doesn't mind exposing his body to the whole world online” youngest told the doctor “she is a horrific individual, I'm sick of her waking me up at 6am and harassing me to go and see a doctor” (I asked him once at 7.30am and he was awake) The doctor said “your mother is worried about you and so she should be by what I've seen” youngest told the doctor “that's not true at all, she doesn't care at all” the doctor asked him “when did you last self harm” youngest said “its not relevant” the doctor said “its why I'm here, I've seen the photographs” youngest said “I do not feel comfortable with anyone checking my wounds” the doctor asked him “how is your mood” youngest replied “agitated, anxious, extremely anxious, I'm not at all depressed, I have insomnia and trouble sleeping, I'm on Melatonin, I'm linked in with psychiatry, with Dr Fitzgerald, I am not suicidal at all, I just keep getting harassed by that terrible human being, I get woken up at 6am being asked to see a doctor” He was asked about his online blog and what he'd writing, youngest skipped round that question, he was asked again if his wound could be checked, he told the doctor again “I am not exposing my body to strangers and I feel just in saying that” he was asked about alcohol, he said “occasionally I suppose” He was asked about drugs, he told the doctor what medication he's on, he was asked by the doctor “how many times have you self harmed in the past year” youngest replied “as incidents or as cuts, I don't know, I couldn't possibly answer, I don't feel comfortable answering that” eldest whispered to me “he is one clever bastard not answering a straight question at all”
The driver with the doctor who should not have been involved with anything at all but seemed to be a small man who thought he had a bit of power said to my youngest “How can you afford three camera's, where do you get money from” then before my youngest gave him any answer, the small man said “so why do you do it then, for attention like” and youngest repeated what had just been said to him out loud “for attention” then he roared “I'm not taking this” and came banging out of the living room and roared at me “you deal with those two cunts” and ran out of the house with no jacket on in the pouring rain. I was in bits, he had nowhere to go, the driver then ran out the front door but not for any concern for youngest because he shouted “he might attack the car” I told him “you're a fucking idiot showing more concern for a car than my son, do your bloody job which is drive a fucking car and don't involve your nosy little beak in patients affairs, how fucking dare you even open your fat gob and say anything to my son, my son is no criminal, he hurts himself which is why I called a bloody doctor into the house” The doctor then found his voice and suggested “youngest might have just gone to a friends, I said “are you mad, he has no friends, he has no one”
I told the doctor “I will be reporting you and your idiot of a driver first thing in the morning for your inept care of a patient” The doctor said “mum is right, the young man needs help, he clearly needs help” he said to me “do not let this take your mind, don't let it control you” he then said “I will be back shortly, I'm going to call the Garda because I'm worried about youngest and want the Garda to pick him up and bring him back so his safety can be assured” he then went out to sit in his car with the idiot driver.
My eldest sent a text to Gheels outreach phone. Owen replied but eldest said “I'm not reading it to you just now because it will make you flip because its really fucking inappropriate considering how they've behaved lately with the lack of help and support to you” He then read me the text reply he got from Owen “ I will let you know if I get an answer from youngest and will keep trying. I hope you and your mum can help support each other until we hear” eldest said “that means they're not available for support at all so why the fuck have they given you an emergency number for support” I told him “I know nothing, all I'm worried about and can think about is my youngest out there alone in this weather in a total panic”
Owen then rang, he spoke to my eldest on speaker phone, he said “It sounds like a very difficult situation, sorry that you're going thru this rough time, I can't believe that your family doctor has done nothing to help, if he had then all of this could have been avoided, I've been calling youngest but keep getting told the person is on another call” he then asked eldest “what kind of threats was youngest making and I take it mum is very upset” eldest told him “youngest has been assessed and sectioned by D Doc and he screamed non stop abuse at mum, he grabbed his things and ran out of the door in the rain” Owen told eldest “it's great you sound so calm” eldest looked at me puzzled by that because he knows and I know his tone of voice is always the same way no matter what is taking place, that fucking idiot is supposed to be trained in Autism. Owen then asked “can I talk to mum” I took the phone and Owen again repeated to me “I am sorry you're in a really difficult situation” I said “its been difficult since last Saturday” he asked “is there anywhere you could go” I told him “no, because we have no one except each other which is why I needed help, services and most of all supports and I've been telling Gheel this since 2009” he said “I know” I told him “my GP has done nothing at all since Tuesday and I told everyone that my youngest was going down hill 6 weeks ago so why the fuck has no one done anything” he then said “sorry you feel let down by the agencies” I said “I don't feel let down, I and my sons HAVE been let down by one agency and that is Gheel” He said “it's good you have the support of your eldest, I'll write a report for Martin because he knows you have contacted everyone for help and I can't imagine what you are going thru” He said “I will call you again before midnight and will keep trying to contact youngest too” I said to him “I am so angry at you all there leaving me on my own, I am so angry I've had no call and you all know what I'm dealing with here, you are all supposed to be trained to support me and us. I'm so angry I had to email Andy McDonnell, I'm so angry that I tell you lot everything as it happens but I'm still left alone to cope” He said “you have your eldest with you for support” and I erupted saying “my eldest also has frigging Aspergers Syndrome and has his own problems to deal with and he doesn't get paid to support me, you at Gheel do” I was raging at him saying that to me and those idiotic bastards get paid a wage.
Owen rang me back and said “his phone keeps saying he's on another call” I said “he has no one to call and no one to talk to” he said “I will keep trying and let you know he's okay as soon as I find out myself”
The Doctor and his small, busy body, large mouthed prick of a driver sat in their non vandalised car then I was told “I have contacted the Garda to look out for youngest because he's a danger to himself and needs psychiatric help and is being sectioned” The doctor came back into the house and handed me paperwork to sign and said “it's only for your sons best interests and I'll send a report to the HSE and the family doctor because no one should be living under the severe stress that youngest is causing and all the agencies know about it but are doing nothing about it” He said “youngest is clearly mentally unstable but can be made well again” I told him “your driver should be put on a leash, he had no right interfering in anything going on in this house. The doctor asked me for money, I asked him why, he said “you need to pay my fee for coming out tonight” I told him “my youngest has a medical card” so he asked me to get it.
Eldest kept calling youngests phone then he walked round the park looking for his brother in the pissing rain and my eldest has had agoraphobia for years and normally never leaves the house unless heavily medicated. I was feeling sick with dread and fear. Eldest told me to “take a Xanax because that will stop you from shaking” He said “youngest wont answer me but at least his phone is still on” I paced up and down and eldest did the same thing.
For two hours me and my eldest rang youngests phone and texted him. Youngest then sent me three texts telling me “it's all your fault, you're the one making me the way I am” and a lot more besides.
If ever I needed convincing that my youngest was genuinely mentally ill then that was it. He has never been diagnosed with depression. I did call him lazy and selfish when he ignored me asking him to put out the bins when I'd injured my back. I called him ignorant when he told me “do it yourself” I have NEVER been a terrible mother, I have been a desperate mother, an emotional mother, a terrified mother but I have NEVER been a terrible mother. I read his text out to eldest, he said “just ignore him, he's talking shite and pulling you into giving him attention, he knows how to push your buttons, do not reply to him, that's what he wants” I didn't even feel anger towards my youngest. I informed him of every step I took. I told him when I called the GP, I told him when I called the Garda, he has texts from me informing him of who I'd contacted to get him help so he can't claim he didn't know anything. How does he not have any sense at all to realise that no mother wants to see their own child do what he's doing to himself and as for his claims he has Post Traumatic Stress, my arse in parsley, he threw the biggest tantrum when he didn't get his own way in February (after sending me an email in the early hours of the morning saying “I'm mentally ill”) by getting self admitted into the psych unit and poor Marlene from Gheel got to see that side of him. Deirdre of Gheel rang me to tell me he was explosive and to keep myself safe from him when he hadn't got his own way so he came home and did it again and the Garda had to break down his door so he got his own way in the end. No one has ever said he was suicidal at all, how can anyone that investigates “safe limits” to overdose on be classed as suicidal, no one has ever said he was suicidal. He is though a self harmer, the doctor told him to his face and told him “it's dangerous” Michael McCreadie said “it's bad” and “is a mental health issue” My GP said “it's a cry for help” All these people I screamed at to help him and he refused it all. It's the self harming that puts him most at risk of danger to himself which is why he was sectioned, nerve damage, infection, hitting a vein or an artery, bleeding to death, what part of this does he not get.
At midnight the glass of my front door was knocked non stop. I nearly passed out with fear. I was expecting it to be the Garda to give me bad news. I couldn't open the door, eldest opened it for me. It was my youngest, he calmly walked down the hall to the kitchen and said “I have been on the phone to Peter Byrne the CEO of Gheel for two hours, he agrees and said I am not a danger to myself or to anyone else, I have Autism and anxiety and I have agreed to meet with the professor on Monday, Paul will take me there, any attempt to have me sectioned is abuse and I wish to be left alone”
My eldest said “if you're not a danger to yourself, what would you call buying blades in secret and cutting yourself and taking photo's of that and posting them online” youngest said “I have no wish to talk to you” and he walked up the stairs. Eldest shouted in my face “you better call the Garda now” I told him the last thing I needed was him roaring in my face after the stress of the past couple of hours, the past weeks, months and frigging years.
I rang the Garda and told them “youngest is back and appears relatively calm” they asked “would it be better to let him sleep for the night if he's calm and see how he is in the morning” I said “I don't know” because I know nothing any more” they said “see how he gets on and you can always call us back” so I said “okay”
Me and eldest both then went to our bedrooms, my head was splitting, I'm terrified of what youngest is capable of, his obvious hatred of me and his hatred of himself that he could do that to his own body with Stanley knife blades.
I lay in my bed knowing I wouldn't sleep. I wished I could lapse into a coma and not wake up for a few years or have a time machine and travel backwards and lay down the frigging law as far as my kids go and not have spoiled them or fought their battles for them, I should have insisted to child care professionals back in the UK to take me more seriously regards my eldest when I told them all that there was something wrong with him, even his school wouldn't listen to me, it wasn't natural for a child age 3 onwards to keep attacking their mother in the street and have full blown tantrums thru out his life, it wasn't natural for a child to be mute at a school, yet talk from a very young age and be able to have full conversations at home and read and write before he even went to school, and no one did anything, maybe if I put up more of a fight back then I would not be in this god damn awful fucking situation today, if my eldest had been diagnosed as a child then maybe they would have assessed my youngest back then too. But even so why the fuck did the other County's professionals not assess my youngest. All any of them were concerned about was MONEY and throwing me off the scent of help, services and supports and they put ME under a fucking microscope, BASTARDS, BASTARDS, BASTARDS. Now look at the position we're all in and all for the sake of them saving money.
I started questioned my own sanity, how the fuck can a Doctor section my son for his own safety and well being but Peter Byrne the CEO of Gheel who has never spoken to or met my son before tell him, no, he coached him on what to say and how to say it to me, his mother, knowing the serious wound my youngest gave himself as no doubt he too would have seen the email including the photo's I sent to the Clinical Consultant Andy McDonnell who works for Gheel, he must have known that my youngest had done it twice before and been to casualty twice because of it and only recently did I find out about his scarred thigh so Christ knows where else on his body he's also self harming that no one but himself knows about.
Peter Byrne, the CEO of Gheel must know all this because his outreach staff would have had to make reports every single time I contact them and the Kildare office too and they all did fuck all about any of it. He's not getting away with this. Even the Health Psychologist, Michael McCreadie said to me on the phone that “it's a mental health issue” My GP said “it's Psychiatric” and told me when I last spoke to him “someone from Gheel told me youngest needs to be sectioned, I cannot remember their name” and now D Doc have just sectioned him so what the fuck is going on.
My eldest must have been thinking the same thing as me because he sent Gheel a text. Owen rang him and eldest put his phone on speaker so I could hear, Eldest said “My mum is in no fit state to talk to anyone right now and I want to know what my brother is on about and why Peter Byrne has over ruled a doctor's assessment on my brother” he was told by Owen “it was probably to keep youngest calm and it worked didn't it because he's home now” Owen said “Peter Byrne is the founder and CEO of Gheel who has many years experience” I was roaring in the background “Peter Byrne does not know my son and has not had one second of experience with my son” My eldest hung up the phone in disgust and said “that Owen is an arrogant prick and you need to get yourself a solicitor because my brother could be dead right now and they have known all along what he's been doing to himself for weeks now and still did nothing” he said “I will gladly pay for the solicitor myself so those pricks don't get away with this” I told my eldest “at this moment in time I'm more upset at Peter Byrne being on the phone to my youngest for 2 hours but couldn't get another member of staff to let me know he was at least alive and well and not what my mind was torturing me with, him lying dead in the rain and cold somewhere, he could have allowed my tortured mind some peace, for fuck sake I was too scared to open my own front door in case it was the Garda to give me bad news” My eldest said “my brother is an evil bastard and knows exactly what he's doing to you, he'll now think he can't be touched if he has the CEO of Gheel now fighting his corner, are you scared about that” I told my eldest “I'm scared of no one except my own children because it's true and I'm sorry about that but that's how you both make me feel and as far as Peter Byrne goes, if he spent as much time with his own kid with Autism, which I presume he has as Gheel were set up by parents of those whose kids have Autism instead of giving himself too much power and flying all over the place to meetings then perhaps he would pick up a bit of the experience that Owen's banging on about and as far as you and youngest go Peter Byrne knows Jack shit about either of you and I will never forgive him and if anything happens to my youngest I will have that bastard in a court of law”
Eldest went to bed, I lay awake the whole night listening out for any noise that youngest made, I was petrified in case he went back out again so I decided I'm getting the front door locks changed so he can never go walkabout in the early hours of any morning ever again.
22nd December
I am like a zombie, I do not want to see or speak to anyone. Eldest came down the stairs and he looked wrecked with tiredness but out of the blue he started screaming at me in the loudest voice “call the fucking Garda to take youngest to the hospital” I jumped in fright and told him “if you ever scream at me like that again or frighten the bloody life out of me again you will be out the door, I've had a belly full” He said “because you're not parenting youngest properly then I will, he is never going on Tumblr again” and he took my lap top and tried to block all Tumblr access in the house but when he didn't succeed, he went into a serious bad mood and slammed the doors and thumped his feet on every step back going back up to his bedroom then slammed his door not once but twice for full effect. I doubt Gheels CEO Peter Byrne ever had to put up with such crap constantly. The Bastard. I'm going to go insane, I wish I was insane, only then would I be able to cut myself off from all this madness, this lunacy.
I give up now, my nerves are shred to pieces, I still can't sleep, I don't know if youngest is going to kill himself accidentally but he sure is trying, he's slicing himself to bits and I'm petrified, so fucking petrified, I cannot breath, all I keep seeing is the day of his birth, just me and him alone, how I him fed at my breast, held him in my arms, his first smile at only 3 weeks old, his first infectious giggle that had people stop and stare in amazement, him blowing a toy trumpet in a supermarket that had teens roaring with laughter and him laughing hysterically in his pram as I pretended to jump in fright at such a noise. I see Thomas the Tank Engine that had him know every name of said trains, he had everything under the sun re Thomas the Tank engine. I saw every Xmas where I worked my fingers to the bone doing crap jobs to ensure they had all re their wishes on their “Santa List” I saw his whole life unfold in my minds eye. I was no longer crying on the outside but screaming on the inside, this has been no life at all and not for the want of me trying, I give in now, I give up, I am done, he's no longer a child, he's an adult and this adult here, me, has given up any life of my own for my kids but I looked up at the sky and asked why? What have I or they ever done to deserve any of this, no answer, there never fucking is any answer. I called my dog back in and locked the back door.
I went into the bath, normally I would call up to boys to let them know in case they needed the loo, today I did not. I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes looked dead, I look old, ill, haggard, drained, my eyes were dead looking back at me, so sore and swollen with the now dried up tears. My heart is now in protective mode, ice now surrounds it, concrete has buried it but my youngests tentacles still continue to spark to it, I love him, I will do anything asked of me, if only he would ask. That is one broken woman looking back at me in that mirror.
I rang J, the mental health nurse at Dr Daly's clinic, I was told “still no referral letter received by your GP” that man has got to be the most disinterested doctor I ever encountered. J said “it's a disgrace he's done nothing at all” I told her about youngest being sectioned last night and about him running away and what the CEO of Gheel said, she said “it's nothing to do with Peter Byrne unless he's a doctor or a psychiatrist and officially assessed your youngest” she asked me “is Peter Byrne a doctor or a psychiatrist” I said “off course not” she asked “so why are you listening to him when he doesn't live with your son and doesn't know your son and if you've been given sectioning papers which is never done lightly because beds are highly sought after and the papers you have only last for 24 hours, so you have to act quick for your son's sake” I said “no one told me that” I told her “I've been reading Dr Shah's reports online and she makes a big deal of Catatonia and I'm fearful that it happens to youngest because it means that anxiety levels can get so high that people can shut down in the head completely” J said “I know about that” I asked her “will it be okay if I get someone from Gheel to encourage him to go to hospital, I think if the Garda just drag him away it will make things far too awful for him” she said “yes but it has to be done by 9.30pm tonight” She asked me “have you had support” I said “no one except my eldest son and he has the same condition” She said “I'm shocked you have two children with this condition and been coping alone, I cannot believe you're on your own dealing with them with no interventions or services or supports” I said “I wish I had a cent for every time that's been said to me the past few years” She said “the only way you will get anywhere is to start roaring for help” I gave her the history of me roaring for help for many years. She said “I've heard many bad stories but this is just awful” She asked “have you seen youngest this morning” I told her “no and I'm far too scared to go and check on him in case I see him lying covered in blood or he gives me his usual torrent of verbal abuse that pains me deep” She said “keep in touch even just to talk because I'm here till 5pm and if Gheel are of no help then just get your son into the hospital because it's better for him to be safe than for you to be sorry” I said “I'll call Gheel right away” and I thanked her.
I sent Gheel a text at 10.15am. Owen rang me at 10.18am, he asked if we were all okay, I told him none of us are okay and youngest is still in bed and I'm far too terrified to go check on him for fear of what I'll see, of what he may have done to himself or what will spew out of his foul abusive mouth to me. I told him “I've just spoken to the Mental Health Team in and they're going to make sure they tell my GP he's not done his job properly” I told him “I also spoke to them yesterday and I've been told to keep in touch with them because I don't appear to have any decent supports around me and I should have because Gheel are paid to provide me with supports and provide my sons with services” Owen said “I'm going off duty but Paul will be in soon and has agreed to be your point of contact today, well done on coping with such a crisis, you're a strong woman and you'll get thru this and I'm angry for you at the lack of support from your own doctor” I told him “I'm so angry about Gheel so where the frig have they been the past 24 hours, for 7 frigging years I've been doing this alone and it's just ridiculous I'm still left alone to cope with everything” I started sobbing but my door knocked and it was the postman. I had flashing lights in my eye, a clear sign of a migraine about to happen, I asked Owen to wait on the phone whilst I answered the door because I still wanted to talk to him. I was mortified because I knew my face looked destroyed, I grabbed some tissues and opened the door pretending I was blowing my nose and told the postman I've caught an awful dose of something, he had a parcel addressed to me, it was a book I had got my eldest for Xmas on Malcolm X because he loved the film.
I carried on talking to Owen, he asked “how long have you had flashing lights in your eye” I told him “since last Saturday, in fact they started after I took the head off Paul by text and my GP did nothing” he told me “its stress” as if I didn't know. I asked him “please can I tell you about Dr Amita Shah and I told him about Dr Shah talking about Catatonia and now I'm petrified in case my youngest gets so anxious and stressed that he could completely lose his mind so could someone please come to the house and try and engage with youngest so he remains calm and if no one from Gheel will, then it will have to be the Garda that comes and I don't want that and I was told the sectioning papers run out at 9.30pm tonight and youngest needs this help to get him better” I was literally begging Owen down the phone. I told him “Xmas is cancelled here and I can't take any more, I'm all done in” Owen said “you are a very strong woman, I promise you there will soon be an end to this” I said “I cannot take any more, I do not want to live this life” he said “you will get thru this and things will change” I said “I have been listening to the same crap for the past 7 years and nothing has changed, in fact things just keep getting worse, crisis after crisis. my spirit's broken. I am serious, absolutely serious that I can't take any more” he again said “you are so strong” I told him “that's past tense now, I used to be but no longer am” I was crying my eyes out. I thanked him for his help last night by phone and still begged him that someone from Gheel come out to encourage my youngest to go to the psych unit. He said “I will fill Paul in and get him to call you in an hour or two” It was 4 hours before Paul rang me.
I took the Malcolm X book up to my eldest and told him to “come down the stairs and open your presents because Xmas is cancelled” My eldest always has the hump every year anyway and ruins Xmas day. I said “lets put a smile on our faces just for today, lets have just one thing to smile about and lets make today our Xmas” We both went down stairs. Eldest opened the DVD player I got him, he said ”I do not want or need a DVD player or the DVD, you can have them” That stung me him saying that but he loved the books I got him, one is called “Fuk it therapy” he laughed out loud at that, he was happy about the new electric tooth brush, and he was amazed at the vinyl records I got him. I then give him a record player as his main present and a box set of Pink Floyd Vinyl records, he said “I am over the moon” He went off to his room to play the Pink Floyd albums but returned within minutes, “the fucking record player does not work, it's crap, it got awful reviews on Amazon, it got shit reviews, why did you not read up on it first, it's a cheap knock off, why did you buy such crap, I did not ask you for a record player” The cheeky, ungrateful swine. I cannot do right for doing wrong in his ungrateful eyes, he has the major hump. I told him “I will sort it” he said “don't bother, I don't want it” So much for me putting a smile on our faces, I just made things worse.
At 12.27 pm I tried to pluck up the courage to go and check on youngest but I can't, I'm too scared. I knocked on eldests door to ask him to come and check youngest with me but his door was jammed shut and he didn't answer me knocking. Eldest hadn't done this since 2009 when he took an overdose. I burst into tears. If I had the money I would just walk out the door and not look back. I called my eldests name three times, no reply or answer. Why am I having to live like this, with this every day of my life. I hate it. I hate who they are and I hate that they think it's okay to treat me like this.
No call as yet from Paul in Gheel. I'm back to shaking inside and out, in my head I'm chanting “someone please help us today, help my kids, help me, help us for the love of god help us”
No answer came from on high or anywhere else.
I gave myself a good talking to, a hypothetical boot up the arse, I told myself to grow a back bone and take back control but I'm so damned tired thru lack of sleep, thru worry, the non stop worry.
At 1pm and still telling myself off for being spineless, I marched up the stairs and knocked and entered my youngests bedroom, he was awake, I breathed again, he was still in bed, on his iPhone, he said “go away, leave me alone, go away, leave me alone” I asked him “will you see Paul today when he comes to the house” he said “no, no, no, I'm talking to the CEO of Gheel” I asked “have you talked to him today, he said “no, get out, get away, leave me in peace” all was said thru gritted teeth. I went right into his room and tried to talk to him and got told where to go again “fuck off, get out, get the fuck out, are you deaf, you don't give a shit about me, you are a whore, you are a cunting (his favourite word, he knows I hate it) whore” I left his room crying and said “I can't take this terror any more, you better cop on and agree to see someone because the section papers have been signed, you're ill and need proper help before it's too late” again I was told “leave me alone” I heard sirens and started shaking much worse, I was scared to death youngest would think it was for him and flee again or worse.
I sat in the living room crying when my door knocked, it was a delivery man, with new head phones I had ordered for youngests Xmas, I again lifted my hanky and lied to the man that I had the flu, he said “drink plenty of hot whisky and look after yourself, Happy Xmas” I again burst into tears once I shut the door. I wanted to fuck the Xmas tree out of the window, I wanted to scream and shout and let all the neighbours know I'm living in hell alone in this house, why am I keeping up appearances and lying to delivery men and post men, if people knew the frigging truth then maybe help would come, Xmas has been ruined yet again and the day is not even here yet. I fucking hate life.
At 13.55pm Paul from Gheel rang me, he said “I've been updated by Owen and Peter Byrne the CEO of Gheel” I was openly crying, telling him “I've had enough, I've checked on youngest and he's been nothing but abusive and no more can I take, I cant take any more terror from any quarter any more. I'm living in terror for my son and what he's doing to himself, he's been assessed and sectioned for his own well being” Paul said “youngest had a very good long hour conversation with Peter last night, he engaged very well with Peter about how he feels and his options and how scared he was of being sectioned and having the Garda and doctors in the house and the doctor demanding to see his scars” I said “excuse me, the doctor did not demand anything, he did not ask to see any scars, he asked to see his fresh wound so he could check it for infection” I said “D Doc has already sectioned my son and I need someone from Gheel to escort and encourage him to go to the psych unit before 9.30pm tonight for his own safety” Paul said “we, don't feel that's the best route to take” I said “who the hell are we because there are no we in my house, only I” I was ignored by Paul and talked over. I got told “youngest has agreed to meet with the Professor on Monday” I reminded him “youngest refused to meet you today and will just tell you all what you want to hear but he will back out and none of you live with this, I do” I was talked over again. I was told “it's good that youngest is now engaging and said he wants to go back on Lustral, that he felt better on Lustral” I said “he bloody well stopped taking Lustral and told me they were not helping him at all, when are you going to get it into your heads that youngest will tell you anything you want to hear to get everyone off his back” Paul said “the HSE have to get things moving now and will look into getting him his own accommodation with supports” I said “that's crap, the HSE did sod all for eldest and ignored, as have Gheel, Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations and ignored me screaming that I wanted the boys re housed before I went insane so I don't believe a word of it” He said “ youngest explained how he feels re his fear of ever going back into that hospital” I told him “I aint doing this because I'm bored, the boy is slicing himself to the fat, he threw the biggest wobbly when the hospital refused to admit him back in February so he cut himself again to get himself admitted and it was a doctor who sectioned him, not me and the doctor did not do so out of boredom either” I said “how dare Peter Byrne try and over rule the D Doc, Peter Byrne has not assessed my son and does not live with my son, he does not know my son, so how dare he try and over rule a doctor who has assessed and sectioned my son by paper work that I now have in my hands” I was told again “that is not the best route we should take” I said “it's me that has him under my roof calling me, no shouting at me that I'm a cancerous, cuntish whore who deserves to die and a terrible mother” Paul said “off course you're not a terrible mother” I said “I bloody well know I'm not and neither am I the other things I'm called but this is like water torture, I just want my son fucking helped” Paul said “Peter advised youngest to go home, to not be abusive and to calmly tell Mum that you have agreed to engage with the Professor on Monday” I was shocked, just utterly shocked, I said “does Peter Byrne always coach people he's never spoken to before” I told him “I'm convinced my youngest has bi polar” I said “I should have known as I already lived with it for 17 years with their father” I said “my son is ill, I know him, you lot do not” Paul said “we will look into it with the Professor on Monday” I said “that is 3 days away, how the hell do I cope alone till then” I was told again “it's only 3 days and the HSE will have to move quickly on this” I again said “I'm horrified that Peter Byrne would coach my son who he doesn't know and doesn't live with and doesn't have to put up with on what he should say to his mother and tell him how he should act” Paul said “I will pass that message on” I ended the conversation myself because it felt like I was talking to a broken record who was just reading and repeating a script written by Peter Byrne of Gheel who had never clapped eyes on my son.
I ordered pizza, I could do nothing except worry. I texted eldest that pizza was in the kitchen, he came down. I was crying, I asked him “why did you lock your door, you made me panic” he said “I didn't” then he said “it must have jammed” I know that's not true because I tried to get in his door but I kept quiet about it. He asked me “who was on the phone” and I told him about Paul and all that he'd said. Eldest said “Paul's an idiot who loves the sound of his own voice and I hated when I had to meet with him because he doesn't listen to me” I said “I know that part is true because I've just been talked over continually as if the man was reading from a script” When I told eldest all Paul said about youngest, he said “you're a fool” then said “did youngest not do this before when you almost cracked up and fled to T's, it was the only other time he engaged with Gheel because he'd no choice” and “he's only doing it again because of the threat of being sectioned and because he's talking to a CEO so will believe he has him on his side and will think it will frighten you” I told eldest “no one frightens me any more except my own children” eldest said “thanks for that” I said “it's the truth or would you like me to start lying to you” he said “no” I said “it's about time the pair of you woke up and realised what you say and what you do to me but would never say or do to anyone else outside of this house” eldest said “sorry” I was so shocked he actually apologised to me. He asked me about Peter Byrne, I said “that man was in my house in the refuge once after I chased him for weeks for the return of my file and he was so loud I had to ask him to lower his voice and he's supposed to have experience in Autism but he didn't seem to know a thing about sensory issues as he had a booming voice in my house”
D Doctor who sectioned my youngest rang me out of the blue from the old Disability Manager Carol Doolan's phone number. He asked “how is youngest now and is he being treated” I told him about last night when he came home and about Gheel, he said “do not to listen to them, call the Psych Unit Ward for advice because they are the real experts” He said “I'm worried about you and the stress you have to live with, do not to let it overtake your mind, I know how difficult it must be and you must talk to your doctor, its best that you talk to your doctor and I will send him a report to let him know what has happened and how worried I am about you too” I told him “my GP is a twat”
I got out of the house and walked around the park. I rang the Psych Ward and talked to a nurse. Once I explained everything, she said “I will get the duty Psychiatrist to call you back” I walked round the park three times before Dr Achmed rang me back. He said “I know youngest very well as I treated him in February” he went on to say “I remember you, I know you well” I told him “I have never met you in my life and I only had cause to talk to you when you misinformed me that my youngest had absconded the last time he was a patient with you” he said “I know how difficult this all must be for you, I know the huge stress put upon you but we cannot take him because we have no beds” I said “you have to find a bed, I have the section papers and I want my son back to normal” he told me “the best time to section anyone is on a Monday before 5pm, that's when the discharges happen” I said “you cannot possibly be bloody serious, you're the most stupid man to date I have ever encountered He told me “you must go to the appointment with your youngest to see the Professor on Monday and you must insist that you are seen too and you need to let the Professor know what life is really like at home, how youngest really is and how he's playing a part for everyone else because he's a very manipulative young man, I remember that about him very well” He told me “have a Happy Xmas” and hung up on me.
I sat on the wet grass in the park and just stared at my phone and sobbed my heart out, the man is a fucking idiot. People who are mentally ill can only be sectioned on a Monday before 5pm, how can he say such a thing. I wondered if Peter Byrne was behind this. How did Doctor Achmed know my son had an appointment with Prof Fitzgerald on Monday. Am I the mad one or am I the sane one. I no longer know, I no longer care. I sat where I was and kept crying and thinking, there is no help, no one will help, no one cares a shit about my kids, the only one who does is treated like a piece of shit by them both and by them all, professional wise.
I went home very wet and very cold and completely done in. I am done with my youngest, the Psychiatrist might be a tool and a fool in my eyes now but he's correct about one thing as was the nurse in the Psych Unit, my youngest is a first class manipulator and it ends and it ends now. He has no one to blame except himself, I am not to blame, I will not listen to any more of his crap that it's all my fault. I am fighting for me now, my own reputation which is bloody untarnished no matter what my youngest says or tries to convince me of otherwise. Maybe realisation will dawn on him one day but if the history with his father taught me anything it will never happen as all my sons do is what he did, they think of no one but themselves and I know that part is not Aspergers, I would put my life on that. So my mind is made up my youngest is leaving whether Gheel find him a place or not. I sent him a very long email in the early hours of the morning so he knows without uncertainty that I'm done with him. I have cut the cord. The weeks and months I've tried to communicate with this boy and I get looked at as if I'm shit on the bottom of his shoes that cost me €55 or I get ignored or screamed at or blamed or abused with the most horrific and cutting words that never leave my memory so I am done.
I opened my bottle of Xmas Tia Maria and had two large glasses of it. All I felt and all could think was FUCK THEM ALL.
23rd December
Youngest came into living room and said in response to the email I sent him “I have never called you a cancerous cunting whore but you are just too selfish and stubborn to realise this” Obviously he'd read my email to him so why he was even talking to me I do not know. I told him “luckily I have recorded you saying exactly what you're denying on my phone and not one more time will you manipulate and abuse me into believing I'm going mad ever again” His face turned bright red and he left the living room. I had not recorded him at all but his reaction to me saying that told me all I needed to know. I then berated myself as to why I didn't put my foot down years ago, why in gods name have I been putting up with this for years and years. I know why, because I'm their mother and because they knew and know I love them, so they felt they had free reign to do what they damn well pleased because it's just mum. I fear for any woman they ever meet, marry and destroy, they would not have put one professional thru this, they always knew they wouldn't have got away with it. If only I had not listened to Edel from Gheel, “it's always those that are loved who get the shit” This was never love, it's abuse, plain and simple and this “cancerous horrific or whorific whore” has had enough. I am done, finite. The end.
No support call from Gheel, I would love to know what they get paid to support us, what is paid to them in Euro’s. I want to see it for myself in black and white. Edel from Gheel sure went on about it enough times telling me “it's part of the package, the family support plan” yet I have yet to see it despite constantly asking to see it, for copies of every year. Meanwhile my son still has the blades in his possession. I'm going to go ape shit at these so called, lazy bastard, reading from a written script professionals.
I will send the email to Mary Lou McDonald once it's fully up to date because it's only in bullet points at the moment because so much has been going on.
Youngest is going to apparently be picked up by Paul from Gheel for an appointment with Prof Fitzgerald tomorrow.
I won't be at the house tomorrow to insist to Paul from Gheel that I'm going along to tell the Prof everything as D Doctor had told me to do because I managed to track down a record player in town for my eldest and I need to be there for 8.45am because they only one left.
24th December
Up at 6am, cleaned all downstairs of house, took my dog to the park. I feel I'm on auto pilot. Went to town with eldest who got up at 7am, we went to pick up the record player they were holding for me, it cost me €130. I asked my eldest why he had the hump with me the day the other record player didn't work because it wasn't my fault and I said I only wanted us to smile for that one day. I told him that he had to now grow up and communicate and not just ignore me because it solves nothing and leaves me confused and hurt with not a sense of what, or why etc. He denied any such thing happened. Jesus Christ give me strength.
The shop wasn't open but we waited outside. Its a lovely shop, I could have spent all day in it, I picked up a portable DVD player for youngest for Xmas,why, I do not know. We came home by cab and eldest was so thrilled with his record player. I told him to turn the sound up for one particular track on the Pink Floyd Album. I didn't even have to tell him which one because he knew. I soon heard “Wish you were here” my mind travelled but there's point looking back, no point thinking of the present, no point looking forward to a future that I know is not mine.
Youngest left the house this morning, I assume to meet the Professor but I was not informed of anything either by him, by Gheel or by the Professor, they all use and abuse carers like me till they burn out or decide to put up and shut up so they can then pick up the slack for those cared for when the carer cracks up and can take no more or runs away or kills themselves and they have they not an ounce of respect for the likes of me. I cannot remember who told me that I was “burnt out” I had thought at the time it was a criticism but I now know what it means because I have felt it in my body, mind and soul for many years, I just didn't know it.
It's 1pm. No support or follow up call from Gheel in two days now. Useless bastards.
It's 4pm, still no support call from Gheel. I haven't a fucking clue what the Professor has done for my youngest or if the blades have been removed from him or if he still has them, I am no one to these bastards. And he is still living under my roof.
Youngest was told his dinner was ready, he said “I'm not hungry” he would rather eat snacks then go online and say he's starved, not being fed, it's utter madness, utter lies, he went out at 5.10pm and came back at 5.40pm, he went out again at 6pm and came back at 6.40pm, my innards were in knots.
Eldest said dinner was “fucking delicious” high praise indeed.
Youngest did not leave his bedroom for the rest of the night.
25th December
Happy Frigging Xmas.
I heard youngest typing at 3am, 5am and 7am, not a word out of him all day long and I know he's not slept because I haven't either. Another Xmas wrecked, ruined, obliterated by my own children, the third Xmas in a row now ruined by them. He told eldest he wasn't hungry after Xmas dinner was made, what a waste of food. He still has the blades, he could be doing anything in his room. I was like a blood hound trying to find him online to see if he was posting new photo's of himself self harming.
I spent the whole day typing an email to the Sinn Fein Minister. At 6.41pm eldest came down, he said “I love my record player” he told me “the stench of alcohol coming out of youngests room is unbearable, like a brewery so he must have been drinking all night long for me to smell it” I wish he hadn't told me, my worry button has now been activated, Youngest kept going in and out of the toilet, I think he's throwing up, it sounds like it anyway and whenever he went into the loo, he stayed in it for at least half an hour each time. I was on my own the whole day. My friend rang me to see how I was bearing up but apart from her I heard nothing from anyone and certainly not Gheel. I spent the rest of Xmas day crocheting. Youngest took all his presents up to his bedroom. I did not hear one word of thanks.
No call or text from Gheel Autism Service, they are paid to support me, they are staffed 24 hours per day, their phones are paid for, I presume, by the HSE. Who cares for the carer, no one.
26th December
At 9am eldest went into youngests room to tell him we were going to town. He came back to me in the kitchen and said “he's not moving and it doesn't look like he's breathing either” I freaked out in terror and screamed at him “go and shake your brother because I can't” I was shaking so much and could barely think straight. I went up with him, eldest put youngests light on and immediately got screamed at by youngest to “fuck off, fuck off and stop harassing me” eldest told him “I will beat the crap out of you” I pulled eldest out of youngests room, my nerves jangling, we got a taxi into town, it's the last thing I wanted to do but eldest wanted weights from Argos and he would not be able to order them on his own. He then wanted money on his O2 card.
Back home and no sign of youngest all day. No word out of Gheel to me, I do not know if youngest is on new meds or if he has another new diagnosis or if he's still self harming. I am nothing to anyone at all and I am fucking so low and so sick of it all. I truly wish I would just drop dead.
I got the bus to Tesco at 10am, the 02 shop was not open until 10.30am so I had to hang around and wait, I berated myself for doing it because I'm only waiting so I don't get berated by eldest because we couldn't do it in town yesterday with his 02 card. It hurts me to know that neither of my sons would ever put themselves out to do anything for me yet here I am feeling like a right mug when all I want is my bed. I wish I had been more like my own mother and fucked off and left them a long time ago, no one ever said you got thanked for being a mother but a bit of decent human kindness would go a long way and costs nothing. I would not wish my sons on anyone. My hands and my fingers are so painful with cracked and weeping eczema.
My phone was on silent, it always is but I didn't notice I had a missed call from the Gheels outreach phone, not one word have I had out of them in 5 days and now they're calling me, what I needed was support, what they are supposed to give me is support yet I've had Jack shit support from them. We could all be dead in this house and no one would know or care. A voice mail was left from Paul at 12.59pm “If you get a chance, give me a text and I'll call you back, catch up and see how things are going, ok, bye, chat soon” What he really wants to do is to update their bloody files. He can piss off.
Youngest was sitting on the stairs stroking the cat as I walked down from my bedroom, he moved and went back into his room, he just ignored me asking him how he's feeling today. How can he possibly think any of this is normal behaviour. How can I possibly be the enemy, not one other person alive has done anything for him all his life yet I alone get treated with such venom.
Youngest started cleaning his room, he dumped 4 loads of dirty clothes on the kitchen floor for the washing machine and brought down half the dishes missing from the kitchen that were in his room.
My nerves are awful bad, I need anti biotics but I will not go near the doctor because I will destroy him verbally for doing nothing to help us. Some family GP he is.
28th December
Not much sleep had at all by me. I missed a call from my friend. I later had a long chat with her and told her “I'm furious and no one had better say a bad word to me or they will suffer the consequences because I'm now so mad at everything and everyone” My friend said “I could cry at all the stress I know you're under” she said “I cannot believe D-DOC'S driver interfered and said what he did to my youngest and I'm even more shocked because I've never ever heard of there being no bed for a patient who's been sectioned” I said “nothing in this country surprises me any more” I told her “I heard nothing from Gheel in 5 days except a voice mail yesterday from that idiot Paul and I know it's just a tick box exercise” I said “all I want to know is what's wrong with my son, how can he be helped and stopped, why does he do this, how do I stop his hatred of me when it's not warranted, how do I stop his soul destroying mood swings, how do I get the blades taken off him, where are the blades” My friend said “that is all any mother would wish to know and you deserve the answers to it all” I told her “I'm writing a letter of complaint to my GP because he's a lazy useless bastard who's done nothing for his patient despite lying to the contrary to me”
No contact from Gheel at all since 22/12 till a voice mail yesterday, the 27/12
Eldest said “I don't want any dinner today and youngest is boozing so I'm warning you not to go anywhere near him” I went to bed with a book.
I rang the Mental Health place and left a voice mail telling them if they do not give me help on how to get my son help then I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and I need someone to call me back.
A lovely girl from the Mental Health place rang me, she told me “it all sounds very strange that no bed was available at the psych unit, I've never heard this happening to anyone else after a doctor has assessed someone and signed the sectioning papers, I've not once heard of that happening with anyone else at all, I would advise you make a formal complaint about Dr Achmed the Psychiatrist because he had no legal right to with hold professional help for your son” I told her “I suspect the CEO of Gheel Peter Byrne is behind it” She said “what area are you in” then said “ no way can you continue like this without supports for yourself, you won't be able to carry on, I'll leave a message with the team so someone can get in touch with you” NO ONE DID.
Made dinner with my phone by my side waiting for support calls that never came. Youngest sent me a text, he wants his computer mouse back that I swapped with him because his batteries are dead.
29th December
I sent my GP an email. I gave him a full time line of all recent events and told him exactly what I think about him.
“Dear Dr, In the early hours of 15th December after a period of seeing my son go “down hill” for the fourth time this year, I accessed his online blog account and found out he'd been not only self harming again but this time more seriously than before and had bought “blades” online which were delivered amongst many other packages he informed me were Xmas presents. The next concern was he took photo's of himself and uploaded them for the world to see. Here am I his mother sitting in the living room beneath his bedroom knowing nothing but the rest of the world knows. I immediately contacted Gheel Autism Service as I always do when I feel something is wrong, or I find something out or I need support during a crisis which are many given the fact I have my two, now adult son's with Aspergers Syndrome living with me, there is supposed to be a funding package in place signed by the Disability Manager Geraldine Murphy and prior to that signed by Carol Doolan who has since left. I say supposed to be as I have continually requested copies of this “Family Support Package” to no avail. All Gheel provided was telephone support, they did not seem to have a clue as to what to do and had no answer as to how I approached the “blades” in my youngests possession.
I rang your surgery on the 17th December and despite there being no appointments left, I was kindly told to bring my youngest along for 4.30pm to get his deep wound checked for infection, I had to tell the receptionist that he may not even agree to attend. (youngest told me he had a head cold and he did indeed have a slight temperature on the 10th December because I had felt his forehead and I went out and bought him Actifed from the chemist, this was one day after he sliced himself, so I now presume he must have had an infection in his self inflicted wound)
As I had been told by Gheel Autism Services that no one could force help on my youngest, I sent an email including the photo's that youngest took of his self harming to Clinical Consultant Andy McDonnell, who consults with Gheel Autism Service and whom I have met twice at their office, Andy apparently “has extensive experience of working with service users with ASD who self harm”so who better to write to, unfortunately I received no reply, instead he forwarded my email to Gheel, who knew all along what was going on because I told them every step of the way. I also emailed and included the photo's to Geraldine Murphy Disability Manager who signed of a Family Support Plan for my family and who also did not have a shred of decency to acknowledge or reply to my email. My youngest refused to attend your surgery to get his wound checked for infection.
On the 18th December, I rang the Psych Unit where my youngest was a patient for one week this year, no answer but I left a voice mail and told them what was going on, no one returned my call. I rang them again and they answered at 4pm. I told them what my youngest had been doing and Gheel kept telling me that help cannot be forced on him. I explained that as he is now self harming in secret and buying blades online that if he hits a vein or an artery he will be dead in minutes so how can he not be helped, the nurse said what I had been told was nonsense and help can be forced on him for his own safety and he needed to be put “on form” and to call my GP.
On the 18th December I contacted you and we spoke before surgery closed as I could hear you turn off your computer. When I told you all that had gone on, you told me that youngest does not mean to do it and that it is a cry for help, I said then please help him as no one else is, that he is now doing it in secret and still has the blades in his possession and I am scared witless, he refuses to communicate with anyone, including me and that I am now the enemy, I told you that I had rang the psych ward and what I had been told, you said youngest will need to be sectioned for his own safety and well being as he clearly has psychological problems and only psychiatry can help but you will need to fill in a lot of forms and it could take a couple of days and you will get the ball rolling. You told me to ring the surgery in the morning, that M will be on but did not specify why, I assumed to remind you, I asked you for your email address so I could send you the photo's so you could see for yourself just how serious this now was, that his prior self harming scars looked like cat scratches in comparison, you told me you did not have a work e mail but gave me your private address and I immediately emailed you the photo's.
The next morning on the 19th December, I rang and spoke to M, explaining all and what you had told me the evening before. On the 20th December I rang the surgery and I asked was there any news from the Doctor for me regards my youngest. There was none. At 1.22pm I again called the surgery and you rang me back at 1.26pm, I told you that I now firmly believe my youngest has Bi Polar and that his father and grand father had it as there can be no other explanation as my youngest was always placid and this was the 4th time this year he has become someone I do not know, that there is a pattern to this and it's always the same. I asked you if there was a fast acting anti depressant he could take, you told me no, you proceeded to tell me that it will be difficult to section someone (not what you told me on Tuesday) you will send a fax marked urgent to a Dr Daly this very lunchtime, that a psychiatrist will make a house call to assess my youngest. I reminded you that my youngest will not communicate with anyone, you asked had he locks on his bedroom door, I told you no because the Garda kicked his door down in February when he slashed his arm and took his second overdose of tablets, you told me not to worry as they will just go into him, when I asked you who “they” were, you said the psych team. You went on to ask me what part of his body he had cut. I told you that I could not tell but that a Gheel member of staff thought it was above his knee. Again you repeated that the fax will be marked urgent and sent at lunch time to Dr Daly and he usually deals with these straight away. At 3.40pm Dr Michael McCreadie, Health Psychologist who consults with Gheel Autism Service and works with Consultant Andy McDonnell rang me, again yet another person I told everything to, he asked me if the family GP had suggested any anti anxiety medication when I told him that I'd asked if there was a fast working anti depressant, I told him you had not suggested anything. He told me he would contact you himself as to the seriousness and the urgency and to make sure that you had sent of the fax to Dr Daly. I heard nothing back from either of you. On the 21st December I found out where this Dr Daly's place was and got the phone number. I spoke to a nurse and again explained all and I wanted to know why I was still waiting for help for my son when I was told an urgent fax was being sent yesterday, the nurse went looking, even on Dr Daly's desk she told me, and nothing regards my son was there. I went mad and told the nurse it had been three days since you told me you would get the ball rolling and nothing's been done. The nurse told me as my youngest was a prior patient that all the doctor had to do was ring them and refer him directly to them, that no psychiatrist or team will make a house visit to do an assessment and that “the doctor should know this” As my youngest had gone outside with a bag for the first time in ages alone, I panicked, the nurse asked me if he had the blades he bought with him, I told her I had no idea, she advised I called the Garda, just in case and then to call D Doc and ring her again tomorrow to let her know how we are. My youngest ignored a text asking if he had the blades with him. I called the Garda for advice. My youngest returned after 3 hours. I called the Garda to let them know, they asked did he still have the blades, I said I didn't know, two Garda were sent to the house. I let them read my e mail to Andy McDonnell, I showed them the photo's of his self harming and his own words written on his on line blog, they went up to speak to him, he told them that he knew nothing about any blades, that he will leave the house again if they did not leave him alone, they returned to me, told me they knew he was lying about the blades as they had read his own words, had seen old scars on his thigh because he had no trousers on, but they were powerless to do anything because he was not threatening them in any way, they advised I call D Doc. I called D Doc and he arrived at 9.34pm, again the photo's were looked at, his blog words were read and the doctor goes up to youngests bedroom, youngest agreed to come down and speak to them but not before telling me what he thinks of me. Youngest refused to show his latest wound as he did not wish “to expose his body to strangers” the driver asked my youngest “why do you do this, for attention like” and youngest screamed he is not putting up with this crap and told me “you can deal with those two C**** and ran out of the house with no jacket on in the pouring rain. I lost it with the two men in my house screaming when will one, just one professional do their job, the doctor went out and informed the Garda, he returned and filled in the sectioning paperwork and had me sign it. They left. For the two hours my youngest disappeared I was absolutely gut and heart wrenchingly sick with fear. He returned at midnight, declaring in a calm fashion that he'd been on the phone to the CEO of Gheel who agreed that he was not a suicide risk and no danger to himself or others and that he agreed to meet with the psychiatrist Professor Michael Fitzgerald on Monday. I roared that I knew that man very well, he had never had a conversation with my youngest before now, he did not live with him, he was not on the end of his depression and verbal vile spewing's that are repeatedly dumped on me on a daily basis, he is not in fear of seeing his child rip his own skin to ribbons, he has not sat in casualty for freaking hours after two overdoses, he has not assessed my son so how the hell could he say this. My eldest sent Gheel a text, someone called Owen rang and my eldest told him Mother is in no fit state to talk to anyone and what the hell is going on with Peter Byrne of Gheel telling youngest what he said. My eldest was told it was most probably just to get youngest home and calm and it worked, didn't it! Eldest asked my youngest how can he not be a danger to himself when he is buying blades online and cutting himself to the fat underneath his own skin and uploading for the world to see. My youngest replied “I have no wish to talk to you” and went into his bedroom. I called the Garda to let them know youngest was back. I was asked did I want him transferred or if he was calm should he just be left to sleep and rest, I said I don't know then said okay and thank you and I hung up. On the 22nd December I rang Dr Daly's office again and spoke to the same nurse filling her in, on all that had happened, again she told me nothing had been received from you regards any urgent referral. I discussed what I should do next as my biggest fear was catatonia. The nurse was shocked that I have two sons with the same condition. I told her I will get my youngest sectioned today but will use a gentle path and will get one of Gheels outreach team to come to the house and persuade him to go and I will give them the paper work that's in my hand bag to take to the hospital, she said okay but make sure it's before 9.30pm as the paperwork has a time limit and to keep in touch with her. I contacted Gheel and told the chap what my plan was and I needed someone to come to the house, he told me he was going off duty but that Paul would be on shortly, he would update him and Paul will ring me and had “agreed” to be my support contact today. Paul rang me at 2pm, I again explained all, that I needed someone to come to the house, I explained about catatonia etc, I was talked over and told all about my youngest engaging with Peter Byrne CEO of Gheel, that he has 30 years experience. I told him I have 20 years experience with my sons and that my youngest had been assessed and sectioned for his own safety, I got told “we don't think that is the best route to take” and that “youngest has agreed to meet the Professor on Monday, will discuss Bi Polar, that sectioning youngest could make things worse” Worse for who exactly but no one was listening to me, I am only the Mum, putting up with all this, my new name is now “cancerous cunting whore” none of these people know my son. I felt like I was talking to a broken record repeating a script so I hung up. This past week I have twice told Gheel Outreach so called support workers by phone that I no longer want to live, I am not suicidal, it is just practical, this is no life for someone who is outgoing, friendly, sociable who has no family, no friends, no work, no sex life all due to my sons disability so I have had enough, a hard life just got even harder and everyone has their limitations. I last heard from these people on 22 December, no call or text of support came forth since that day till 28th December, I no longer want anything to do with them, they are all useless and fuck all support to me and mine. In the evening of 22nd December I had a call out of the blue from the D Doc who had come to the house, he said he was worried about me due to the dreadful stress and asked how my youngest was, he said he would send a report to my GP, he told me “you must stay in touch with your GP, I told him I won't bother because you are a prat now in my eyes who has done nothing yet told me the very opposite, he advised me to call the psych ward myself when I told him about Gheel. I rang the psych ward and the duty doctor rang me back, said he knows me and youngest very well. I have never met him, he said he treated my youngest when he was an in patient. I again repeated all that had happened, my view that my youngest has Bi Polar, his recent deep wound, that he still had the blades in his possession, about Gheel. I told him my youngest needs to be in hospital before 9.30pm, Dr Achmed told me there were no beds. I told him there is, it was booked last night and I have the paperwork, that Dr Ngozi was the Psych Reg on call and knows all about it. Dr Achmed told me the best time to section is a Monday as all the discharges take place on a Monday but to make sure you do it before 5pm. I told him I do not need to do anything as my son has been sectioned already and I have the paperwork. I was again told no beds and Happy Xmas. Xmas was cancelled for my family. My youngest spent Xmas eve throwing alcohol down his throat, I do not know what or how much but he spent all Xmas day throwing up down the toilet. I no longer go anywhere near him as all I get is abuse, he rarely leaves his bedroom, if I cook dinner and his brother asks if he is hungry he will say no, then go and eat snacks and post online “have you ever been starved” I used to have the closest relationship with my baby, there no longer is one. I have cut the bond simply to protect myself, he severed it himself. I rang Dr Daly's office yesterday and spoke to a different nurse, still nothing received from you to them and now I am told we may actually be in a different catchment area after all, the nurse will find out and get back to me and will make sure my area knows “that this woman needs support as she is completely solo” She had never heard of anyone being refused a bed once sectioning papers had been signed, she told me to contact St Ita's about it. So here I am doctor, since first contacting you on the 18th December I have heard nothing, the urgent fax you sent appears not to exist anywhere, despite you being the family GP and knowing my youngest had attempted suicide twice in February of this year where he spent one week in the psych ward and who has slashed his arm to ribbons with a razor twice, done the same to his thigh which I knew nothing about till recently and this latest, more deeper wound and still here we are with nothing having been done, no one helped because no one cares yet everybody knows. I do not and have not ever seen you as a bad man because I don't believe you are but you certainly are a lazy man or rather a lazy doctor, you will never know what it is like to live my life, you will never know the real gut wrenching fear and terror of being too scared to go and check on my own son to see if he is alive or dead, is there going to be blood everywhere, am I going to be called names so disgusting they physically hurt me, has he cut himself again, this is my life, it's a dreadful life but it's the only one I have got so you would think that all these professionals in it would do something to help”
At 1.31pm, my GP rang me. I told him I couldn't talk because my youngest was in the toilet and would hear every word I said. The doctor said he would call me back on my mobile at 2.15pm. I started cleaning the house to kill an hour then put my dogs lead on to take her out for a walk so I could talk to the doctor in private.
Youngest who had just got out of bed and looked dreadful started rushing around and searching for something, he was rooting thru my drawers, I asked him what he was looking for, he said a comb, I reminded him I bought him a packet of three combs and gave them to him in his bedroom so they will not be found in my drawers. He said “I did not ask you for a lecture” I presume Gheel must have told him to meet them so that tells me that my GP must have rang them after reading my email. Youngest was out the door only 20 mins after getting out of bed. He's jammed his door shut with a folded up sock but me and eldest went in and checked his bedroom anyway, there are 3 large black sacks filled with rubbish, down the side of his loft bed are 3 large and now empty bottles of Southern Comfort and 4 quart empty bottles of Southern Comfort, there are lots of toilet paper wadding but no sign of any blood on them, thank god.
I took my dog out at 2.10pm, no call from my doctor till 3.07pm.
I said to my doctor “I assume you contacted Gheel before you rang me because my youngest left the house not long after you rang me at 1.31pm” The doctor said “I talked to a social worker at the outreach service” I said “no social workers are there” and asked him “do you mean a social care worker” he said “yes” He then said “I've also called Psychiatric services” and then he asked me “what do you think is the best approach with youngest we should take” I lost my temper and shouted “you're the bloody doctor, I'm just the mother, the old sap putting up with all this” He said “how is youngest now” I told him “I wouldn't know because I'm again the devil in my sons eyes, he has himself and everyone else convinced it's all mammy's fault which takes away all focus on what he's doing to himself off his back and leaves me totally alone and helpless and I couldn't be more vocal, my son is now scarred for life and he's boozing a lot, he has 3 large and 4 quarts of Southern Comfort empty bottles in his room and I've no idea what else there is as he has 3 large black sacks of rubbish in the middle of his room, I don't know how his deep wound is, I don't know how to get the blades off him or if he's still using them, I do know he met the Professor but I don't know if he was given any medication or if he's been diagnosed with all that he believes is wrong with him but right now my biggest concern is the freaking blades he still has” The doctor asked me “is he is eating” I told him “I make dinner every day at the same time, he always enters the kitchen so he can see and smell what I'm cooking but when I text him or get his brother to tell him that his dinner is ready he always says he's not hungry and will come and take snacks out of the kitchen in my presence knowing that it pisses me off immensely and I know he only does it to annoy me, to get a rise out of me, to get my attention but it will only be negative attention and I'm not biting his fishing line” The doctor said “stop giving him any kind of attention” I said “it's not attention he's looking for these days it's confrontation” The doctor said “do not engage with him at all when he's like this” I said “it's his bloody personality, it's nothing new” He went on to say “I have talked to Gheel to find out exactly what they're doing for him but I don't know the name of the person I spoke to, I was told but I don't remember” I asked is it Richard” “no it's not Richard” I asked “was it Andy or Peter” he said “its not Andy or Peter, I can't remember because I've spoken to so many people but this person said he does know the family but isn't personally involved with the family, he basically told me it's best that youngest is committed in the near future and I agreed with him" I reminded the doctor “I already have the paperwork in my house now and nothing was done” he asked me “what paperwork” and “what does it look like” He asked “how is youngest now” I told him “he's no longer in the deep depression but is still hiding away in his room, still drinking booze and my biggest concern is the freaking blades he bought on line” and asked him “why the hell are you asking me stupid questions when my email explained it all” I said “I am disgusted with the lot of you” The doctor said “a psych team will come to the house to assess him and a psychiatrist will need to come to the house” I shouted at him “you're wrong, you told me this last week and you were wrong then too, it doesn't happen in this country, for fuck sake I couldn't even get you to come to house when I had a serious crisis with my eldest and a large carving knife back in 2010, so stop spouting nonsense” he replied “this country is a nightmare when it comes to mental health services, I have worked in the UK, it's so much better there” I roared at him no longer giving a crap that I was out in public “no frigging psychiatrist will make any home visit because I went thru all this with my eldest when he came at me with a 20inch frigging knife” and asked him “do you take me for a fool because I'm no fool and we don't live in the bloody UK, we live here in Ireland” He told me “hand in the sectioning papers to me” then said again “don't forget to hand the paperwork into me by Thursday and I have other forms in my office and I will take it from there” I said “oh like you told me last week and did nothing” He reminded me “it's the new year coming up so I will be off” I told him “Paul at Gheel said they all at Gheel thought youngest should be sectioned then it was retracted one week later by Paul saying “we don't think that is the best route to take” and my son was sectioned by D Doc but the idiot Psychiatrist Dr Achmed told me there was no bed so my son is still at risk floating about in his own bile and hate filled world with the blades he bought and can still do himself harm with so why has nothing been done to help my son by any of you” I completely lost it with him because this man, this doctor, this lazy sod is a lazy swine and is only on the phone to me to save his own ass because I emailed him so now there's a record of all his errors. He said “I will have to make more calls and see what can be done to help and will get back to you” NOTHING WAS DONE
If the small river in the park was deep enough then I would have jumped into it there and then and drowned myself. But I returned to the house.
At 4pm youngest left the house. I asked eldest if he would walk to the local shop with me because I was shaking after talking to that dope of a doctor, we saw my youngest walking towards us, he was smirking, my eldest told me “ignore him or I will batter him for the state you're in” youngests bag must have had bottles of booze in it because we could hear them clinking loudly as he walked past us, he didn't even look at us or talk to us but he kept smirking, it was very strange. My son has to be blind in his eye sight and his mind if he cannot see what he's doing to me because it's written all over my face. I am not the same woman, I doubt I ever will be again.
Eldest moaned about his brother all the way to the shop and back again, he wanted me to call the Garda and told me to stop being so weak as far as youngest was concerned. I said nothing at all.
A bad attack of Neuralgia is on the left side of my head, face, lip, ear, chin.
A lot of noise was coming from youngests room. I was not going anywhere near him as he's been boozing and typing for hours now.
30th December
Woke up at 3am. I could hear youngest was still awake, my face is still bad with pain, eldest was reading in the living room, he said “youngest woke me up with the noise he's been making so I got up just in case anything kicked off with him” He told me “there's €50 on the drawers left by youngest at 10pm last night for housekeeping” I looked at the €50 note, that was a symbol of my worth, all this shit and abuse for €50, he paid nothing last week, what would have happened if I had given him nothing for a week. No wonder my kids think so little of me when I do not even value myself. I told myself not to touch that money. Eldest gave me one of his painkillers for my Neuralgia as the pain was so bad, never again will I take one of those painkillers, I felt as sick as a dog and went as white as a sheet, I could not sit up or lie down, yes it took the pain away but it wasn't worth feeling so dreadful. Horrible meds. Youngest was cleaning his room again, black sacks full of rubbish are at my front door, more washing was dumped on the kitchen floor, they're not dirty because I had just bloody got them washed and dried, he didn't put them away so has just dumped them on the floor to be re washed, he makes me feel worthless. I went into the bath and cried in private. I am officially cracking up.
Youngest came into the living room, he told me, not asked me, he told me “I'm taking the batteries out of the land line phone because I need them” I told him “I bought the batteries and you're not to remove them from the land line” I asked him “how come you can talk to me only when you want something from me with no problems” He ignored me and left the room.
I cannot live like this.
The laundry belonging to youngest has been kicked everywhere all over the kitchen floor by someone, the dog cannot be blamed as she was with me. I am sick of this, so sick of it. I brought the black sack youngest put at the front door into the living room and started going thru it to see what could be burned. There were lots and lots of empty plaster boxes, no doubt to cover up his scars. Wads and wads of toilet roll with blood on, my child's blood, how in Christ's name can he do this to himself, I felt physically sick, what would he do if I took a razor and slashed my arms to smithereens, what would his reaction be on seeing me do that to myself, he would probably just call me a drama queen or attention seeker or would it jolt him and make him wake up and see what he's doing to himself and how it makes his mother feel, I came so close then to going to the bathroom to get a razor to run up to his room to do it to myself in front of his eyes, shock tactics might work, I came so very close. I blame him for doing this to himself then I blamed the Tumblr lot he met online, stupid kids who have not a fucking clue what real life is all about, all cosseted and fed and looked after. Youngest doing it to fit in with people who will not and have not given him the time of day, not a second thought and will not even remember who he is years from now yet his scarring will be with him for eternity. My internal scarring from all his abuse will live with me forever.
New Years Eve
Eldest decided he wanted to go to the gym today. I rang them to see if they were open. I got told yes and told eldest I would take him when I got back from town. I have never gone out on New Years Eve, I have never left my kids to go party on New Years Eve but the lovely charity lads invited me out so I decided to go and break the habit of a life time, no more cleaning the house top to bottom and sitting weeping once the midnight bells go for me. I found a dress to wear and bought myself make up in town. It took me hours. I missed a call from Gheel on my phone, they can fuck right off.
Rushed home to collect eldest to go to the gym. When we got there two men were there but told me they were closed. I was gutted for my eldest and asked why I was told the opposite this morning. I rang the number I called because the men were insisting no one would have told me that they were open today, a man on the phone said “I'm so sorry, you rang me when I just woke up so I made a mistake” eldest said “I'm not waiting on a cab to bring us home” and insisted we walk, he only had a t shirt on and it was freezing and a long walk. I told eldest “I've missed a call from Gheel so they will now probably ring you or ring youngest” eldest said “no they won't, they never call me” I said “they will because I'm not replying to them because they left me totally alone for the past 5 days and will want to do a tick box for their records and I'm not playing their game, it's support they're supposed to provide me with and they aren't doing so” eldest said “they can fuck off then because they've been no fucking help to any of us, have they”
Just as I predicted Paul at Gheel rang my eldest, he answered and asked him “why are you ringing me” Paul said “trying to catch up with your mum, you and youngest” eldest said “why” his phone was on loud speaker, he told Paul “mum hasn't heard from any of you in 6 days so has basically washed her hands off the lot of you, she's had no support from anyone and you all know about my brother and what he's doing to himself and to mum” Paul was stuttering and stammering, probably taken aback at my eldest having so much to say for once in his life to an outsider. Paul said “I will try calling your mum again at 2pm” eldest looks aggrieved and said “the prick hung up on me” I said “I know because your phone's on loud speaker” eldest said “don't you dare have anything to do with Gheel from now on, they have proved they're shit and don't give a shit” I wondered why Paul was going to ring me, that will be three calls in one day after I heard sod all from them in almost one week, I want to know what their qualifications are because I'm dealing with twats who have not an idea of what support really means and they know fuck all about Autism, about abuse, about self harming otherwise I would have support daily. Shower of bastards. They are all useless.
At 2pm a voice mail from Paul from Gheel “want to clear up some issues”
There would not be any issues if they did what they're supposed to do, what they get paid for and not keep talking crap and changing goal posts.
At 3pm youngest went out. Eldest said he's probably gone out to buy more booze, God give me strength. I ordered Chinese for dinner because I'm going out. I have never once been out New Years eve except once when youngest was with me in the small village where he broke both his wrists. This year I was invited out by fellow volunteers and after mulling it over and thinking of the non stop drama's the past 7 plus years, I decided yes, I will go out. It was a lovely feeling getting dressed up to go out on the town, I relished the thought of making one happy new year memory just for me and me alone. I kept texting my eldest to make sure all was okay at home. I got one word answers back of “yes” So off I went and the town was heaving. I soon met up with my fellow volunteer buddies and we firstly went to a Chinese restaurant which was packed out, the atmosphere in town was electric and I'd been missing out on all this for all these years. Walking thru Dublin at night is a wonderful experience, it really is a beautiful city, the moon glistening over the Liffey making it sparkle and look like a mirror was breathtaking, no wonder so many tourists visit this place.
Into the RDS at 9.30pm we went, it's a great place because it's drug and alcohol free and is always packed out. It cost €15 for the night. Me and the lads found a bean bag to lie on and watched people enter. At 9.40pm not ten minutes after I paid my eldest sent me a text “Can hear him bouncing off the walls in his room making a lot of noise, think he is drunk” Before I got the chance to respond another text came from eldest at 9.42pm “ Can hear him groaning in pain, think he might be cutting himself, it's new year so he might be feeling depressed. GET BACK NOW”
I ran out of the RDS and one of the lads flagged a cab down for me, eldest then sent me another text at 9.44pm “Never mind, just checked on him, he's alright” I rang him and told him “too late because I'm in the cab now on my way home” he said “no, go back, stay out, sorry, I made a mistake” I told him “there's no way I can stay out now as I would only be worrying and staring at my phone all night and I'm not going to make the lads I'm with miserable all night long” eldest said “sorry” again, I told him “it's not your fault at all” I was still in the cab and another text from eldest at 9.47pm “He is doing what he calls light painting which requires him to bounce off the walls, he said he's sorry for waking me up, I saw his bare arm when he came to the bedroom door, false alarm, sorry”
I got home at 10pm and went to bed to watch TV.
When the midnight bells began I was alone. I knew I couldn't go near eldest as he would just shun me, reject me and I could not cope with that happening tonight of all nights.
I couldn't go near youngest because I'm the “cause” of all that he's doing to himself according to what he told me. This was the first time in 19 years my baby had not been in my arms, in his mothers arms on the strike of a New Year. I cried silently, I so wanted to go into him and ask that we wipe the slate clean, start again, that I love him and just want to help him, get help for him, that I will do anything he asks if he will just let me and not keep pushing me away, but I didn't go near him at all because I couldn't take a second of any abuse that might have come my way, not an ounce of rejection could I have taken so I stayed in my room and wept silently as he knew I would do because I always cry at the stroke of midnight, he's seen me do this his whole life, it's what I do, new year always upsets me ever since I was a child.
The front door slammed shut at 12.11am, youngest had gone out, he came back after 15 minutes, I heard fast typing and he went out again at 1.36am slamming the door harder this time, he was out for 20 minutes. I crept down to the living room and stayed awake till 4.30am, like eldest said “just in case he kicked off” I heard youngest come back in, he slammed the door so hard again. He was laughing, he went to the kitchen, he went to the toilet, he was talking to himself about something, that bit didn't worry me at all because we all do that at times, he laughed again, I could now tell he was pissed drunk, he stumbled up the stairs to his room. I stayed in the living room till 6am till all was quiet in the house. I wished I could disappear, I wished I had never woken up after taking a sleeping tablet. I wished this was not my life, I wished I was not so selfish in wanting normality and peace. I decided I'm getting the locks changed on the front door, it might stop youngest going walkabout in the early hours of the morning in a park that's well know for the stabbings that take place. I used to sleep thru everything, even an IRA bomb going of across the road from where I once lived in London did not wake me up, now I'm awake at the slightest sound because I know what it could mean, I am constantly on red alert.
Happy 2013. It's now seven years and still no help, supports, services for my sons and life is worse and my sons are worse than they could ever be and I no longer cope. I'm apparently “burnt out” and have been left “emotionally bankrupt” I also realise sadly that I cannot be the only person in this country that they do not give a shit about, what about those who cannot talk up for themselves, who have to put up and shut up. I had no voice for far too many years but if you choose and get paid to work in a so called caring profession should you not at least care. All the politeness in the beginning from me got us nowhere, the renowned Autism expert's immediate recommendation were just ignored, and these people just get away with it. Why? I want to know why? My youngest could have hit a vein or an artery and died, no one came running to help, no expert bothered to find out why he was doing it, he certainly did not tell me. I had no expertise re all this, fuck me I didn't even know he was doing it but when I did find out I was the devil in his eyes, when I asked, begged, pleaded and cried on phone to the “experts” no one came running to help.
I will never forget ringing the hospital about the sectioning papers and being told “sorry we have no beds” despite my son being sectioned for his own safety, how the hell in this day and age can such a thing be said, he had a cut on his arm so deep you could see the cubed fat underneath, the hospital Psych told me “have a happy Xmas” I told him he was the most stupid man to date that I had ever encountered which is clearly not true because I've encountered many but I will never forget his sing song voice and upbeat attitude whilst I felt I was in the bowels of hell.
Yes I am a pain in the arse. Yes I say what's on my mind and yes I have battled them consistently but who wouldn't have in the face of such despair and fear. I don't and haven't and will not ever give a crap about myself. I have no one but myself to blame for the choices I made in life but I got on with it the best that I could. My kids had no choice re their disabilities and further problems that came to light and that is when the “experts” should have stepped up, but they did not and they have not.
I will not rest till I have what I'm legally entitled to see in my hands. I will take this to the European Courts of Human Rights if I have to, and I have to because if I drop dead my eldest life will be over too, he has no one, they all failed him, how would he cope in a world that is alien to him, no professional has even tried to work with him, two letters offering him a P.A for few hours per week which my son ignored a couple of years ago now, resulted in no follow up by them whatsoever. I also wrote to Dr Amitta Shah telling her jack shit had been done despite her extensive recommendations. She replied, decent woman that she is, for the agency involved with the family to contact her, to date I haven't a clue if they did.
I have written to the Disability Manager and been ignored.
I have written to the CEO of Gheel and been ignored.
I have written and requested files under Freedom of Information Act and received nothing, the past 3 years now.
I have written to Minister of Health back in 2010, been ignored, not even the decency of a reply.
I have written to a Political party who were very nice but got nowhere.
I have spoken to a Political party Health Minister who tried his best to help but got no where.
I have been told to appeal, but appeal what, I haven't seen the Family Support Plan so do not know what is in it so what can be appealed.
So I will keep writing everything down that happens and one day this will all be told. I have no doubts the powers that be will not be happy, but their happiness is not on my agenda. Only my sons is and the truth should be told, it should be read and it should make them all hang their heads in shame. They should all ask themselves one thing, what would you do if this was you in my position, if this was your children. What would you do to ensure your children's safety and well being because you sure all did fuck all for my children.
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