It
was lovely for me to have T and her niece still here at the start of
a new year. It was a lovely evening. Youngest was on his best
behaviour and being so loving and kind.
The
little girl was as good as gold. I took her and my dog out for a walk
to the park this morning, everyone else was still in bed, she chatted
away to me and I really enjoyed having a child in the house again.
Youngest was so good to her and let her play with his DS, after he
showed her how to play on it. I kept smiling because it was so good
to have company in the house and the atmosphere no longer felt
cloying or depressing.
T
cut my hair into a bob last night, she did a good job with it too.
There
was no sign of eldest at all except to go to the toilet but youngest
took his dinner up to him for me. I had a lovely, happy and quiet
day with T, we were chatting into the early hours of the morning
again.
2nd
January
T
asked me “will you come to my house for a break, I don't want to
leave you here with the boys because I know they're only quiet
because I'm here which only goes to prove they know what they're
doing to you” I told her “I can't because I know the dog and
cats would be neglected” and told her what happened when I was ill,
the poor things didn't even get a drop of water from either eldest or
youngest.
The
little girl whispered to me asking if she could play on youngests DS
again before she left, she said “it's great fun and I will tell
mammy I want one because my cousin has one too and I don't” I
asked my youngest if the child could borrow his DS again, he said “I
want to talk to you in the kitchen” his personality had changed
back into the awful man I absolutely detest, a complete turnaround as
to how he was yesterday, he said “I'm not having her fucking
contaminating it, she could scratch the screen” The tone he said it
made me so mad at him, talking about a little girl like that when he
was so good and kind to her yesterday. I said “she didn't scratch
the screen yesterday when you allowed her on it did she” he said
“well, she could do so today” I asked him “how many DS's do
you have” he said “three” I said “and who got you them”
No answer. He is one selfish sod. I am bloody ashamed of him.
I
was watching a film with the little girl when my youngest came back
into the living room, he sat on the couch beside me and made me put
my arm around him, he actually lifted my arm and put it round his
neck. I told him “don't” because I was still annoyed with him at
saying what he said about the little girl, the little soul must have
been totally confused with this nice man letting her play with his DS
the day before but not letting her play on it today and she must have
heard what he said to me in the kitchen because he has no voice
control at all and she was standing in the hall when I came out of
the kitchen door, god love her.
Youngest
again lifted my arm to it put it around him, demanding “hug me and
I told him “leave me alone, get off me” and I flipped the back
of my hand at him and hit my index finger on the large buckle of his
belt and the phone that was sticking out of his pocket. A little
vein popped up on my finger and was so painful, he said “you
fucking deserved that you cunt” and even after what he just said to
me in front of a child he was still at me to “hug” him. I would
rather have hugged a porcupine at that minute so I told him “no,
feck off, you have made me so angry and so sad for this little girl”
he said something but I didn't hear immediately what was said so
asked I him “what” he said “why are you acting so cold to me”
I told him “don't be so foolish, you know what you've done and said
that's annoyed me so much and I will not be talking about it in front
of the little girl”
He
walked off. The little girl asked me “why does he not like me
today, am I bold? ” the poor child was blaming herself.
My
youngest acting with a Jekyll and Hyde strangeness is disturbing but
no way on earth was I allowing him to act like this to a beautiful
little girl who's not put a toe out of place in this house.
When
I told T what happened, she said “I will box him one” and she
begged me to leave with her for a few days, she actually said “you
know the minute I close that door behind me he's going to start on
you” I said “he won't because I'll go out if he starts”
Once
T and her little niece had gone, I cleaned the house and changed my
bed, then took my dog to the park and went for a walk.
When
I got back I asked my youngest “are you still taking your tablets,
how many do you have left, why don't you go along and have a chat
with the doctor if the tablets aren't working for you” he replied
“Cos he's a useless cunt” I asked him “why haven't you gone to
any meet up's recently” he said “cos there's none on, what's with
all the questions” I said “its a conversation” he said “I
don't do conversations with cunts” I said “you better pack your
bags fast then because I'm no cunt nor am I allowing you to talk to
me in that way” He went silent.
3rd
January
I
decided to check my youngest online because I know from his
attitude and behaviour and how he was answering me that he's going
downhill again and I know for bloody certain that this isn't
Aspergers at all. I don't know what it is but it is not Autism.
I
was absolutely sickened to the point of feeling sick to see what he'd
posted online
“I
know longer wish to live in a household where I am physically abused
and put into situations that I do not feel comfortable in and
constantly reminded how much I fucking suck”“Angelic Standards,
demonized”
“Also
realise that I have lost weight over the winter, a surprise as I
basically live off confectionery”
“Maybe
I should just kill myself now and not deal with getting hurt this
year. I don't know man”Tell
us a secret: I
tried to kill myself"
I was shocked and sad. So shocked to read this written by my baby, he's broken my heart and there was not much of it left to break. How can he say such things, that he's abused, that he's neglected, how can he possibly think of such things to write about and about his own mum. I have always, always, always put myself last and them first. This is the end now, the very end. I felt so sick that I vomited and that had never happened to me before and it was nothing I ate. “I tried to kill myself” no he did not, he was always practically glued to my side.
I was shocked and sad. So shocked to read this written by my baby, he's broken my heart and there was not much of it left to break. How can he say such things, that he's abused, that he's neglected, how can he possibly think of such things to write about and about his own mum. I have always, always, always put myself last and them first. This is the end now, the very end. I felt so sick that I vomited and that had never happened to me before and it was nothing I ate. “I tried to kill myself” no he did not, he was always practically glued to my side.
I
spent the rest of the day in contemplation. I hate my brain at times
because it plays my whole life in slow motion just thinking, from the
moment he was born thru out the early years to the present day. I
thought I'd had my heart broken before but nothing compares to this,
nothing at all and nothing else will ever come close. It took me most
of the day and night to compose a letter to both him and eldest and
then type it.
My
letter to him:
“I'm
not going to waste my time reminding you of all I have done for you,
put up with for you and from you, gone without for you, everyone I
have battled with to help you to the detriment of myself, my own life
and my happiness. It has not been easy at all for me but I still
stuck at it. What a joke that has turned out to be. I
would never in a million years have believed that my own child, the
one I considered the closest to me since birth would have turned out
to be such a devious, malicious, twisted liar and spewing same to
strangers online. What
did you hope to achieve? what have you achieved due to these serious
allegations. “I
no longer wish to live in a household where I am physically abused;
put into situations that I do not feel comfortable in and constantly
reminded how much I fucking suck. Angelic standards – demonized.
The
above paragraph you wrote made me so ill that I actually vomited.
Have you forgotten how dangerous lies like this can be, have you
forgotten your father telling anyone and everyone that I bruised,
cracked or broke his ribs, depending on whom he told because he
changed his story so often, have you forgotten how his lies that I
was a psychopathic violent bitch affected me and made me terrified
that anyone would believe him, have you forgotten the domestic abuse
I suffered during my long marriage and more recently from your
brother and you have the sheer audacity to make out that you are
being physically abused at home, how dare you, I would never, ever,
cause any human being the abuse I went thru because I know the real
pain it brings. You are now a person I cannot trust, ever again, to
say such things is beyond my comprehension.
“Also
I realized that I lost weight over the winter. Not that I care about
my weight (apart from my fat fucking face), but it was just a
surprise as I basically live off of confectionery. My best notch no
longer fits, need to take an awl to it later" So
you do not have breakfast and lunch which you get yourself and a
cooked meal from me every day between 4 and 5pm. You
did not eat pizza and all the cookies last night. You basically
making out that you're neglected and don’t get fed.
“Put into situations that I do not feel comfortable in” Am I to take this as T coming to my rescue when she was with her own family because she knew the state I was in over Xmas and did not want me to spend another day alone with no adult company, nor spend another New Year alone when she knows I hate the New Year and find it particularly sad at the best of times, or perhaps it was because a little girl whom you allowed to play with your DS the day before asked you if she could again and you didn't want her to despite owning three, then you wonder why I had the hump at your total selfishness. You seem to forget I put a roof over your head at almost 19 years old, that you have heat, food, electricity, broadband, using a net book I really struggled to buy you even tho you had a lap top that I also bought you, a phone that I also provide you with monthly credit for, money that you need when you went on your meet up’s and all for what, to be lied about so dangerously online. This is the last straw for me, you can now stand on your own two feet, I get nothing in return anyway, rarely a kind word, no help around the house unless I have to keep reminding you. Maybe one day you will grow up and realise all you had with me and what kind of son you should have been but I no longer care, not after your claims of “physical abuse” I have no doubts that you will actually now have something to write about online regards your normal woe is me constant outpourings. I have contacted Gheel, I will not be back to my house until they either step in and replace me or find both you and your brother another place to live. My bedroom door will be locked so that I can ensure the protection of my meagre belongings, if anyone tries to gain access I will make sure the Gardai are involved. It should be okay with you as after all, you now, just like dad lock yourself in your room for Christ knows what reason. In the meantime try and find some compassion in you for the animals by making sure they are fed and watered twice a day and let out for the toilet. I have no more to say”
“Put into situations that I do not feel comfortable in” Am I to take this as T coming to my rescue when she was with her own family because she knew the state I was in over Xmas and did not want me to spend another day alone with no adult company, nor spend another New Year alone when she knows I hate the New Year and find it particularly sad at the best of times, or perhaps it was because a little girl whom you allowed to play with your DS the day before asked you if she could again and you didn't want her to despite owning three, then you wonder why I had the hump at your total selfishness. You seem to forget I put a roof over your head at almost 19 years old, that you have heat, food, electricity, broadband, using a net book I really struggled to buy you even tho you had a lap top that I also bought you, a phone that I also provide you with monthly credit for, money that you need when you went on your meet up’s and all for what, to be lied about so dangerously online. This is the last straw for me, you can now stand on your own two feet, I get nothing in return anyway, rarely a kind word, no help around the house unless I have to keep reminding you. Maybe one day you will grow up and realise all you had with me and what kind of son you should have been but I no longer care, not after your claims of “physical abuse” I have no doubts that you will actually now have something to write about online regards your normal woe is me constant outpourings. I have contacted Gheel, I will not be back to my house until they either step in and replace me or find both you and your brother another place to live. My bedroom door will be locked so that I can ensure the protection of my meagre belongings, if anyone tries to gain access I will make sure the Gardai are involved. It should be okay with you as after all, you now, just like dad lock yourself in your room for Christ knows what reason. In the meantime try and find some compassion in you for the animals by making sure they are fed and watered twice a day and let out for the toilet. I have no more to say”
I
went out walking again so I could ring T. She was so shocked when I
told her what he had written, she said “the two faced little
bastard (and she never swears) to be downstairs with us and be all
lovey dovey towards you in front of me then go to his room and write
that shit and lies” she said “there is something seriously wrong
with him mam to be doing that, it's fucked up and it's not normal and
you need to get the fuck out of there or you will go insane, my own
mother has never been a mother to any of us but I would never do
anything like that to her, it wouldn't even cross my mind to think
it, never mind do it and my mother would deserve it but you don't,
all you do for them both, all you do for youngest, the little
bastard, I'm sickened by him, I don't think I'll ever be able to talk
to him again, that's the thanks you get for always being there, you
know what he needs, a boot up the hole, he's nothing but an attention
seeker, sorry mam, but that's the truth of it, you come down to me,
you get away from them both, leave them at it, let them live and cope
in the real world without you, come down to me, I'll mind you, you
need minding now, I love you, I'll mind you, it will give you a
break, just walk out the door mam, please just walk out the door,
because if anything happens to you because of them I will make sure I
sort them out personally and they will never forget it”
I
told T I would come down by train to her.
My
heart is broken.
I
went home. I acted normal even tho I didn't feel normal any more,
there is nothing remotely normal about any of this. I packed a bag
and hid it. I printed out the letter I typed for youngest, it felt
good to say what I really thought and not be around for the fall out
or the “it's all your fucking fault anyway” I took out €40 and
put in an envelope for them for emergency purposes and I went to bed
to make the day and night pass quicker.
I
think a big part of me shut down this day forever more. I know that
youngest spoke to me later that day and also tried to hug me again
but I have no recollection of what he said to me. I do remember
thinking whilst he was hugging me that he's a dangerous viper and
I'll never trust him again, he is someone I don't know and nor do I
want to know him if he's turned out like this. He knows I hate and
detest liars and there's not a lot I do hate. I have no time for hate
in my life, it takes up too much energy and I have little enough
energy as it is.
I
have been lied to my whole life but I always find out and I use so
much energy proving it's lies that I get consumed with it, so my
youngest knows full well why I hate liars. Because once a lie has
been told to me or about me, a seed is planted in my head and I go
all out to provide the truth to dispute that lie but for him to
accuse me of Domestic Violence has got to be the worst thing on earth
he could have accused me of. I have never hurt him, it's not in my
nature to do so, all I am guilty of is loving him and providing all
for him no matter what my circumstances have been. He has completely
destroyed me with that one paragraph he wrote online for an audience
who doesn't know him or me or give a shit about him, he will rue the
day he wrote that, I am many things, I am big mouthed, I take no crap
or bullshit but he killed any last spirit in me with that one
paragraph and I will never get over it. Never.
I
had no sleep at all. I kept reading and re reading what he'd written
about me, his own mum, his only anchor in life, the only person who
loves him in this life, the person who goes without to give him all
he wants and asks for. None of what he's written makes any sense at
all to me, how can he tell such lies, I love and adore him, I would
die for him, I would kill for him, I have never hurt him and I will
never hurt him so how can he hurt me, what is he getting out of
writing all that. I cannot make head not tale of it at all. To accuse
me of Domestic Violence when I've gone thru it myself since the day I
was born and would never hurt a hair on anyone's head because I know
how it feels, I have never hurt him his whole life, I have never even
really roared at him with all I do want to say to him after all he's
put me thru since 2008 but I never have and I never will because I
know how much it would hurt him and he's my child and you do not hurt
your children, this mother does not hurt her children. I will never
get over this. I would never even had believed it if I hadn't seen it
with my own eyes.
I
left the house a completely broken woman at 2pm to get the 3pm train.
I left letters for eldest and youngest along with the money in an
envelope on the kitchen work top. I sent T a text to tell her I was
on my way then I switched my phone off.
I
had a very long and lonely journey on that train, normally I would be
chatting away to anyone and everyone, I would listen to my music and
nod my head and sing along to the music. I did nothing, I just kept
myself as invisible and unapproachable as possible, all I could do
was think and think and think and still came up with no good reason
why my son would have said what he said to the world wide web whilst
I'm always below him in the living room and knew not a thing that was
going on or being said.
They
have both just turned into their father, the lies, the verbal abuse,
the mental abuse, the no communication, the pretence of affection to
me, the physical abuse from eldest, the threats of violence, the
constant suicide threats, the blame, always my fault for something
wrong with them. My brain hurt thinking. I swore to myself that if my
ex got on that train I would kill him with my bare hands at his
ruinous genes passed on to my kids as there was no other explanation
of why they are now like they are.
T
was at the station for me and she cried when she saw me and I cried
being held in her arms. At T's house I switched my phone on and had
texts from youngest in full self protection mode, same old, same
old, no apology at all for lying so dangerously and viscously about
his mum.
He
texted at 8.24pm: “I have a bruise on my arm from where you hit me,
that is physical abuse. You've broken my trust”
My
furious reply: “You have broken my heart, you're a lying bastard,
the little girl was there when I tapped your phone with the back of
my hand. (only I had any bruise because I popped a small vein which
was my own fault) I told you to get away from me but you insisted on
hugging me”
He
texted at 8.29pm: “ We were never close, just because you think we
are does not mean we are. I never go to you with my problems because
I have never felt comfortable telling you. I do not trust you, you go
behind my back all the time, Bebo, My Space, Facebook, google plus
and now my fucking blog. I am sorry I am not living up to how you
wished me to be but no mortal could. You call me an angel but
demonize and constantly fucking criticise me, how I speak, how I act.
When I am depressed, you call me selfish and lazy. You throw the fact
that I am Autistic in my face at every opportunity. I'm sick of it,
you don't realise what you do, you say you are the nicest person in
the world till you're crossed but you truly are not. How many times
have you threatened to kill yourself. Imagine that fucking pressure”
Such
strong and angry words from us both but what a crock of shit he is
talking. I
have never threatened to kill myself. I did say I would one day be
found swinging from a tree after I head butted a tree the night my
eldest took umbrage to me singing along to Daniel Merryweather in my
kitchen on my laptop as I took a break from catching up on the case
studies I was behind with and my eldest removed my laptop from me and
told youngest he was going to kill me if he didn't make me shut up
and then kept asking me if I wanted a punch in the face and actually
lunged at me. That same night when I returned home after head butting
a tree in pure frustration, I then stood at my kitchen back door
which wouldn't close because the broken and knotted washing line was
jammed in the hinges of the door and I did say I might as well loop
it round my neck and be done with it. I was driven to even think and say that because of my eldest and all he did to me and said to me that
night. In fact I should be fucking insane right now thinking back to
all they both have put me thru.
I
have never thrown Autism in his face. We did have a discussion when I
told him what I read might mean that he was not Autistic, he has been
diagnosed with Aspergers and the DSM book that all doctors, etc
follow are having it removed from that book because professionals in
the UK are being lambasted for diagnosing kids when they're just
painfully shy, it was a discussion about what I had read, not what I
think. He is lying thru his teeth saying I throw it in his face.
I
have never been on any other website he is on, how the hell could I
do that then. The only reason I found him online is because the
Dublin Meet Ups use a public site and when he out of the blue told me
he was going out after his non stop "help" me from him re all happening
with bullies in his school had me freak me out for his very safety
and my eldest found out where the group were meeting and I found my
youngest had used his full name and also put up a photo of himself
that everyone could see online.
He
does not have depression, he does feel down which is hormonal and
Christ knows what else but he does not have depression. I should
know as I lived with a nutter who could not get washed or out of the
bed at times, for weeks at a time and youngest is on Anti depressants
for bloody anxiety anyway so surely if he was depressed which he is
not they would have kicked in and be working by now.
As
for me pushing people away, is he having a laugh, he and his brother
shut down and shut me out so I protect myself, they have me like a
puppet on a string, they cause commotion and drama and expect me to
always dance to their tune which is what I have always done, well no
more. No fucking more.
I
hope to god he has taken a photo of the "bruise" on his arm. The lying
swine, I hope he knows the date and time of when I apparently hit him
because it never frigging happened and for him to continue lying just
shows me what a dangerous man he has become, and so much like his
father. It makes me want to heave.
I
called him lazy and selfish once when I'd hurt my back and he had the
hump about something and ignored me calling him down to put the bins
out by the front gate for me, so now he is making out that this is
what I call him on a regular basis. I thanked god I keep journals
because I have a record of everything, if I had friends I would be
able to talk to them and un burden myself but due to my sons I have
no one so my journals are my off loading and now I thank god for them
because I have no problems handing them over to anyone who would like
to read the truth as it actually happened because you sure could not
make this shit up. No one would have wanted this life.
And
if I'm as bad as he is writing and we are not close why on gods earth
was he demanding I hug him, who would want to be near such a person
as he is describing me in his secret online world. He really should
think before he speaks, writes, types.
I
have put up with a lot over the years but I cannot put up with lies
and especially not such dangerous lies. I am not the person he's
describing, I will not go down the path of allowing his words to
plant a seed in my head that has me question my own sanity like his
father always did to me. It's not true. I have not abused or
neglected him nor done anything else he has accused me off online.
I'm not perfect but by Christ I have lived a saints life since 2005. I am no angel, I have no wings nor any halo but I am not this horrible
person, I am not who he is describing and for what, because the
answer to that is I have no idea why he's doing this. Not one fucking
clue at all. He is not getting away with this.
T
told me to switch my phone off and ignore him, she said “he's a
prick who's had his arse wiped for him all of his life” she said “I
understand why you're so angry and I'm glad that you've at last found
a back bone as far as he and eldest are concerned as it's been a long
time coming but do not to feed the troll” I told T I realised it's
the ex's birthday today so how lovely of my son to become his father
and not let me forget that man.
I
was awake most of the night and landed heavy into T's bed hurting my
side.
4th
January
T
rang Edel from Gheel and she went nuts at her, demanding to know
“what the hell are Gheel being paid for and what the hell are you
going to do about the boys before my mam drops dead with the stress
of it all” I didn't bother asking what answer she got because I
knew from old that all would as usual be skirted around. T told Edel
from Gheel “no you cannot speak to her because she's in no fit
state after all she's read and heard from youngest, I have a broken
woman in my house and I'm advising my mam to never return”
T
said to me after she had finished talking to Edel from Gheel “I
hate people who always answer a question with a question, it means
they've been well trained not to answer any question at all and
people like that cannot be trusted”
5th
January
T
had to go Wexford so I had to get the train back and arrived in
Dublin at 12 noon. I got a taxi to the end of my street and walked
the rest of the way. My ribs were killing me.
There
was no sign of life downstairs when I got in the house. The poor dog
and cats had no food and no water. I made myself a cup of tea and sat
in the living room.
I
heard eldest say to youngest “you did the dishes last night so I'll
do them tonight, we have to make sure we're seen to be managing okay
alone” I was not surprised at hearing that but I was surprised at
eldest saying he would do the dishes, he never washed a dish in his
life. They had no clue I was back till I was three hours in the
house. I heard a lot of whispering going on. I heard one tell the
other “Edel from Gheel will be here at 4pm.
When
I knew Edel from Gheel was done with them I sent her a text that I
was upstairs. Then I started shouting “no one will make me feel
like a tenant in my own house” I was shaking from head to toe.
Edel
from Gheel and I had a long chat, I told her “a punch I could
always take but lies I never will because that means one persons word
is against another so how can it be proven that I'm telling the truth
and how fucking dare he accuse me of Domestic Violence when I
suffered it for real for 17 years and I'm still not over it” I told
her “I want and need and deserve to see the bruise on his arm that
I'm supposed to have given him, this all smacks of his father telling
anyone who would listen that I punched him in the ribs and it was
changed to bruised, then cracked then broke “his ribs” when what
I actually did, was slap that bastard on the face so no, I will not
accept any one lying about me ever” I asked her “have you seen
any apparent bruise on his arm” Edel said “no” She
advised me “go to your doctor for your nerves, it looks like you
are in shock or terror and you need something to calm you down” I
said “I need my sons out of my house” she said “you need to
get your ribs checked out” because she could see I couldn't move
without being in dreadful pain. I said “I will go in the morning”
she then offered to take me but I said no thanks. She left saying “I
will ring you tomorrow, stay safe and try and get a good rest and do
not interact or react to the boys and just mind yourself”
Both
my sons claimed to Edel that I'm the instigator for all their
problems and frequently try to kill myself. I was utterly shocked.
They claimed they are “always walking on eggshells as she can kick
off at anytime” My youngest told Edel that he was physically abused
but when questioned about it by Edel he said “well I may
have over reacted”
5th
January
I
emailed my old Support worker at the refuge we once lived in
“Dear
support worker, so sorry to bother you but I am having a dreadful
crisis with both sons and want them out of my house. However they
have claimed and told Gheel Autism Services support worker Edel that
whilst at the refuge I “cracked up and threatened to kill myself
and that THEY are always walking on egg shells as she can kick off at
any time” Youngest is claiming he is physically abused by me but
then admitted to Edel from Gheel that he may have over reacted. Do
you remember me writing and giving you all that happened the night my
eldest said he would punch me in the face, removed my laptop etc and
I ended up walking out and head butting a tree, I have searched my
whole computer for a copy of it but cannot find it anywhere. I would
like to give it to Edel from Gheel as both lads are obviously now in
cahoots together and as I am adamant I will no longer have them
living with me and they are furnishing the incorrect happenings of
that night. I would be grateful if you still have a copy on file that
you could send it to me or Edel from Gheel. Again I am sorry but I
hate lies and liars especially when I have the proof in your office”
6th
January
I
was in Tesco getting shopping at 9.27am when Edel from Gheel texted
me “can I take you to the doctor” I replied “I'm out shopping
and will go later” she replied “you should not be dragging
anything around with your ribs hurting the way they are” I wanted
to reply who else is going to do it but I didn't. The cab driver ran
me home with the shopping and he put my shopping bags in my hall for
me then waited for me and drove me up to the doctor.
At
the doctor, a lot of poking me was done which hurt. He said “you
have sublaxation of the ribs and have dislocated a rib” he gave me
two lots of pain killers and advised “go up to the hospital for an
x ray” I said “no I'm not” and told him all going on in the
house and how I am no longer able to cope and about my youngests
lies, I showed him what youngest had written online about me and my
heart break and distress about it and how low I sank by lambasting my
youngest by text, I read him out what I'd written to youngest by text
and what youngest had written back to me. The doctor said “I can
tell how hurt you are, your anger is coming from hurt and pain” I
told him “Gheel Autism Services have just sat back and watched me
go thru sheer torture till I cracked up and can no longer cope and
would you please make a record of all I'm telling you in case
anything happens to me” he said “off course Anne just
concentrate on yourself for a change and rest completely for up to 2
to 3 weeks” that made me laugh which hurt my ribs, I said “I had
better add neglect to the list youngest is making then because that
is surely what will be said if I focus on myself and rest completely
for 2 to 3 weeks” he said “it's doctors orders” I said “I
wish I could follow your orders but unfortunately with Gheel doing
Jack shit and no one else to help me I can't do as you're ordering me
to do” He said “take care of yourself because no one else will”
I said as I walked out of his door “and aint that a fact”
The
lady from Cross care rang me, we had a long talk.
Got
back home and the bags of shopping I'd dropped off earlier were still
sitting in the hallway. I knew my eldest has been down because I'd
cleaned all the dishes and mopped the floor before I left and there
was now a bowl in the sink unwashed. I am raging.
My
friend rang me. She said “I'm worried about your miserable
existence, will anyone be checking on you over the weekend” I told
her “no” She asked “are you safe” I said “physically yes
because if I get any crap at all I will call the Garda and fuck the
consequences but emotionally and mentally I do not feel safe at all.
I feel totally betrayed by youngest and his lies, his awful lies
about me. I said no wonder I don't let anyone get close to me any
more because look at those who should love me above everything have
treated me” I told her “I will be fine, I plan to lock myself in
my bedroom to ensure eldest cannot get near me and youngest cannot
accuse me of anything if I'm not anywhere near him” My friend said
“oh, Anne what a way to live” then said “Keep in touch with me
by text and email”
At
2.24pm Edel from Gheel rang me: “Mary McNutt the HSE Social Worker
wants to meet with eldest and youngest alone for consent reasons. I
said “ask them, not me” Then I asked her “is this is for
Protection Issues” Edel said “God, no, it's just that
you cannot all live under the same roof any more as things stand” I
said “how long have I been telling you lot this, since 2009, bloody
2009 and you all did nothing and look at the state of me, the state
of my bloody family” Edel said “you all need your own space, the
boys need an independent life” I asked her “does Mary McNutt
have a magic wand to get my eldest out of the house then to get his
consent” Edel said “it's been explained to Mary that eldest
cannot meet outside of the house” She said “when Mary has seen
the boys she will then see you” I said “no thanks, I've no
interest in seeing her, she walked out of the Case Conference at the refuge in 2010
telling all around the table including you that it was a disability
issue, and no disability team ever got in touch with us at all so why
would I now be meeting her” Edel acting like she'd not heard me,
carried on with “I am here to support and act for you all, I hope
you can understand my position” I said “I don't understand what
you mean” She said “do you want me to come out to you and we can
have a chat and go for a walk and you can vent” I said “no
thanks, I'm getting my prescription of painkillers for my ribs, I've
had no sleep all night long and I'm going to bed. I've informed the
doctor of everything going on including my complaining about Gheel
and the lack of help and support and services and I've asked him to
make sure he recorded all I've told him on my records” I told her
“I heard all about me apparently “always kicking off” and the
boys claiming they “walk on egg shells” and I apparently “always
threaten suicide” I told her “I have contacted the refuge for
what's on file after my eldest took my laptop from me when I was
singing in the house and the refuge support worker also reminded me that I had
told everyone at the case conference what had happened including that
I'd head butted a tree” out of pure frustration. Edel said “I
remember you saying that at the case conference” I told her “no
one, absolutely no one will ever get the chance to make me out to be
something that I'm not” She said “it's all for information only
and no one is there to judge anyone” I hadn't a clue what she was
talking about but I assumed its about the meeting I've already said
no thanks to because I no longer care. I just want my sons out of MY
HOUSE. I told her “I don't care about anyone judging me or what
anyone else thinks or what anyone says about me, I just care about
the bloody truth, people can think what they like, they can say what
they like but they will not lie about me because I will not stand for
it” I never could not shut my mouth. All this anger was flying
out of me and I told her “how convenient of eldest to discuss the
night in the refuge with you but keep what he did to me out of that
same conversation as in him threatening to kill me, him asking me if
I wanted my fucking face punched in, him lunging at me, him keeping
me awake all night and calling me every name under the sun, him force
feeding me sleeping tablets and tried to get youngest and then my
friend K to convince me to be sectioned for a rest. The refuge wanted
him evicted because he's an abuser that I'd brought to a women’s
refuge and I was told, he wasn't
told, I was told that I had put all the other residents at
risk with the knife incident” Edel said “I know, I remember it
all and I don't know how you're living and coping with such huge
stress on a daily basis” I shouted at her “it has never ended
since bloody 2006, but I had to put all he'd done to me and my
youngest in the cottage to the back of my mind because I was his
mother and he was my son and I came back for him and look at me,
fucking look at the state of me” Edel said “I know” It was
just words said to appease me. She's a nice girl but for God sake they
have to take responsibility because I have now been yelling since
2006 in another County and 2009 in this County. Edel said “the
Disability Manager said she knows of no emergency accommodation at
present and is bringing on-board the social worker Mary McNutt”
(who was at last big meeting in the refuge after the knife incident, who
at the meeting claimed it was nothing to do with them so they could
not help and she left, now apparently she is being brought on board) because she knows more about housing than the Disability Manager"
I
found that peculiar because I have a letter from the same social work
Dept after the knife incident at the refuge who stated “we cannot
get involved as Mrs X has done everything she can to get help for her
children thru an Autism Service” Fucking joke and a travesty that
turned out to be.
So
I'm assuming, perhaps wrongly, but I very much doubt it, that Mary McNutt coming today to "link in" for housing help will in
fact be a extra plaster to cover the one already placed there by
Gheel that is now stinking and putrid and falling off, proverbially.
Not one of those shower of lazy bastards can be trusted.
I
made dinner and took my dog out but her pulling on her leash killed
my ribs.
Youngest
did not get out of bed till 4pm. I locked myself in my room when I
heard him get up.
I
took my change back from the €40 I'd left them for emergencies when
I'd gone to T's, only €10 had been spent. I found out that youngest
had taken himself to town with my money and bought himself a new vinyl album, a new
writing book and a new pen, he also took back the Xmas present he
bought me which was a box set of Only Fools and Horses and got his
money back. The selfish twat.
I
took the strong painkillers and fell asleep but the pain in my ribs
kept waking me up.
I
truly wish I was more like my own mother and did not give a crap,
that I had not loved my children, That I'd not given up all for them
and not gone without a loving relationship that I should and could
have had for them. I will never forget any of this, never.
This
once strong woman is now a broken wreck and I know I will never be
put back together again. My name is now Humpty Dumpty.
7th
January
I
managed
to get some sleep, coughing is agony on a dislocated rib. Youngests
jacket was not on the bannister where it's normally hung up, I
suppose that's been removed in an attempt to make me freak out with
worry about him. I know all the mind games by now and it's not going
to work.
I
haven't seen him face to face since I left on Tuesday and it's now
Saturday. I haven't seen eldest face to face since he went doo lalay
for Christ knows what reason on Xmas Eve. I know there's something
seriously wrong with that boy but he can act and talk so rationally
around Edel from Gheel, he will not go near T, she knows him too
well, he can't fool her, she's known him since he was 12 years old,
she said “they only play the Autistic card when it suits them”
I'm starting to believe that now.
Took
my dog a walk to the local shop, the sink was full of dishes, they
can clean their own mess. I'm not eating as I have no appetite at
all. I have pandered to their every need and wants for far too long.
I used to always make Spag Bol's, lasagne, stews, soups etc but as
they got older they refused to eat what I made so I stopped making
what I like and have hardly eaten a proper nutritious meal in years
now for myself. My appetite has always been the first thing to go
when I'm stressed out of my mind.
9th
January
Been
awake
since 5am, youngest got up at 6.45am. I left €5 for him on the
fireplace for his school money. He left at 8.06am. I went to the
local shop, I couldn't take my dog to the shop because my ribs are so
painful.
The
lady from Cross care rang me. I had long chat with her. She said
“you've done your job, your boys are grown” and gave me a number
of a housing officer to call to get help and advice.
Left
a message with the housing officer woman, she rang me back, I told
her the whole story, she asked me for Edel from Gheel's number and
for my permission for her to talk her about us.
Edel
from Gheel rang me and asked “ how are you” I said “I'm done, I
will never get over youngests lies and eldest adding his own lies
into the mix now” She said “anyone who knows you, will know that
none of it is true” I said “I couldn't care less about what
anyone else who knows me thinks, it's the fact that youngest could
come up with such accusations that has killed me inside and I'll
never get over it, I just don't understand how he can think never
mind post such things yet want to be cuddling up to me and getting me
to fight his corner all the time and tell me that he loves me” Edel
said “I have seen similar sites that youngest is on and they all
read as if it's just venting and what some people write is just
awful” I said “I do enough venting of my own in my journals but
not once have I lied about anyone or anything. I have never accused
someone in the world of having done something that they've not done
because that is slander” I told her “I will not go near either
of my sons and I will not speak to them because I'm protecting myself
because Christ knows what else they could come up with. They learned
this from the master of lies and bullshit, their father. I might
sound extreme but if my youngest had accused me of sexual abuse it
wouldn't have felt any worse than him writing that he can't live in a
household where he's physically abused, both are as equally abhorrent
to me. I don't even kill spiders for fuck sake so why would I hurt my
own child”
Edel
from Gheel dropped youngest back outside my front door at 5pm then
she rang me from her car, she said “I have to get eldest to fill in
a housing form, is he a tenant on your lease” I said “no he is
not” She asked again “will you meet with Geraldine Murphy the
Disability Manager and Mary Mc Nutt tomorrow at 3.15pm. I can come
with you for support” I asked “what's the meeting about” she
said “it's to discuss getting the boys alternative housing and see
what other agencies can do to help” I said “I will go but only
to discuss getting my sons into accommodation that's not mine and
nothing else”
10th
January
I
managed to sleep okay, I got up at 7am. Youngest was already up and
ready for school, he asked me “Am I getting any money today to take
to school” he gets money everyday from my sole income, I get not
one cent for him from anywhere or anyone. I asked him “when do I
not give you money for school” he said “I'm just asking” I
pointed to the fireplace where I had put €5 for him. If I find out
he is now adding another lie to his list of me not giving him school
money I will punch his fucking face in and he really will have
something true to tell regards Domestic Violence.
I
had to send off forms for his college application and to Social
Welfare and another form to the Health Centre for proof of his
entitlement for a Medical Card and proof of my dire income and
enclosed a stamped addressed envelope. I don't know why I'm bothering
to do Jack shit for him.
Walked
locally for shopping because Tesco seemed too far away for me today,
once back in the house my shoe box that holds all my receipts was on
the floor, obviously eldest has been rooting about for something. I
have no doubts that this meeting being held today will just be
another tick box farce. They had better be ready for me because I am
pulling no punches and taking no Jack shit from any of them or their
lies, their bullshit and their not giving a shit about peoples lives.
I
have lost my frigging marbles and I do not care.
Edel
from Gheel met me to take me to the meeting, she asked “are you
okay or are you stressed about the meeting” I told her “I have
nothing to worry about, these people do and I know it will be all the
usual bullshit cover up and do fuck all as per usual but I've got
myself ink and I'll be printing out a full time line of all that has
gone on since 2006 and I'll send it to everyone I can think of and if
I have to and I will also send to the news stations and every bloody
journalist I can think of”
Mary
McNutt was late. I was told “youngest and eldest want to live
together with supports in place” I said “you obviously don't
know the first thing about my sons, it's utter madness to even
consider such a thing, how would you all like to live with a bully
who's volatile, threatening, violent and abusive, that would not be
fair on youngest at all, he will only end up in the same position as
me, as my eldests skivvy”
I
was told “things are difficult because no place is available for
them” I said “try living my life and you' will know the real
experience of what is difficult”
I
was told “youngest has no income” these people absolutely
fucking flabbergast me. I said “I am very aware my son has no
income which is why I have no clothes, I wear a second hand bra, I
have very little furniture because I only have one income of €204
per week and I'm keeping, feeding and clothing and giving money to my
youngest solo so I know very well he has no income”
I
told them “I cannot cope any more, I refuse to cope any more, I am
going to die because I refuse to live this way” I asked them
“could you live this way”
Mary
McNutt asked me “will you agree to mediation with youngest with me
present to repair your relationship and your hurt feelings from
reading his blog” I said “not a chance in hell will I and what
age do you think I am” I did not like her condescending tone at
all. I told her “I will never “mediate” with youngest after the
dangerous lies he's told and written about me, there's no trust and I
will not communicate with my son for fear of what I will be accused
of next, once one lie is told then a thousand others have to be told
to the cover up the previous one and I will not accept or live with
that. I've had more than my fair share of twisted, viscous lies with
living with his father and almost lost my mind because it was done as
mind games and mental torture so you should all be under no illusion
that I will ever accept any nonsense, bullshit or lies from anyone
ever again in my life, I always expose liars for what they are”
I was told “It's a teenage thing with disability on top” I said “my son is a man, he knows right from wrong, that is how I raised him and he knows the difference between lies and truth” I was asked “will you at least think about it” I said “never, unless I get an apology and a retraction of his dangerous lies”
I was told “It's a teenage thing with disability on top” I said “my son is a man, he knows right from wrong, that is how I raised him and he knows the difference between lies and truth” I was asked “will you at least think about it” I said “never, unless I get an apology and a retraction of his dangerous lies”
Edel
from Gheel said “I questioned him about his trying to kill himself
and he told me he only took an extra tablet. Then said “I can speak
to the CEO Peter Byrne about getting you Respite because you like
being besides the sea, what about a couple of days per month away by
the sea, we can send someone to the house to check on the boys and
the animals” I said “I have heard that same bullshit from you
since 2009 and nothing ever materialised and I will have all the
respite I want and need when my sons are out of my house which is why
I agreed to come to this meeting, I was told by you that it was to
discuss alternative accommodation for the boys. I do not want my
son's living under my roof, I am living a life of hell, it's like we
are all in separate cells. I'm a sociable person who has given up
everything to have any kind of life for myself yet I'm despised and
treated like shit. Well it stops, and it stops here and it stops now”
Edel
from Gheel said “I never saw anyone shake as much as I saw you
shake on Thursday, it was like you were in shock or terror and that's
why you need to get away from the house and have a real break because
you are completely exhausted” I said “I've heard it all before
and it's only ever been words. I want my house to myself, it's my
house, not my sons and I want my sons out so what are you all going
to do about it”
I
was told “getting housing is going to take time, the first step is
form filling because the boys are adults so they have to agree” I
said “they have no choice, I choose that they are not living with
me any more” I was told “it also has to do with rent allowance”
I said “it's not my problem” I was told “as youngest has no
income he cannot even apply” I said “that's not my problem, not
any more it's not”
I
was told, “there
is no place specifically for Aspergers Syndrome” I nearly blew a
gasket and said “that's not true because a Consultant Psychiatrist
agreed to give his full support for my eldest to go to Nua Health
Care but he then retracted it after his boss asked who suggested this
private and expensive place” I said “it is easier and cheaper
for you all have me fall apart and end up in a psych ward myself or
continue to live in hell at home, well it ain't going to happen”
I
told them “After the knife incident with eldest, no one came to the
rescue, I had to fight just to get someone in the house and that only
happened after I was forced to write to the Joe Duffy show. I said at
the end of my email to Joe Duffy that I used to be a rock, then a
stone but now I'm just a pebble who will soon be a grain of sand and
disappear for ever” That thinking has not changed, nothing has
bloody changed” Why”
I
said “so you all just expect me to put up with the status quo,
locked in my room, no communication, no respect, no decency, in fear
of what can be said or done or posted online, I have no friends, no
family, no company, I'm treated like shit, I'm despised by my own
children so I'm going to be completely honest with you all right now.
I cannot live this way, I refuse to live this way, I will top myself
to escape this terror I'm living with, I see no way out, I see
nothing changing so why are we even here, this is an hour of my life
I will never get back so why are we here, what is the alternative
accommodation I'm here to be told about” I told them “eldest
frequently talks about killing himself and tells me I too deserve to
die and he hopes he's the one to do it and I believe if that does
happens it will only be yesterdays news one day because I really
believe that none of you give a shit”
I
was told by them “it will all take time and we will all be on board
to support you as we know how much it has drained you and you will
need the support to help you through” I laughed out loud at them
saying that to me. How many fucking years have I been told this same
bullshit by so called professionals. I remind them “I have heard
that same nonsense spouted since 2006” and reminded Mary “you
walked out of the case conference called by the refuge because you
claimed it was a disability matter and not a social work or no one from disability came onboard, no one from disability contacted
me, nothing that Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning told you lot to
do was done. Why not”
I
was told they had meetings elsewhere so had to leave now.
Edel dropped me back at the house at 5pm. She asked me how I
feel, I said “it was a waste of time and useless and I will not be
attending any more tea and sympathy meetings or tick box exercises”
I
got home and made dinner and covered them with plates and sent them
both a text telling them their dinner was ready. Youngest ate the
rice only, he did not touch the chicken, more waste of my time, my
energy and my scant money.
Went
into my bedroom thinking about the meeting which was just a waste of
frigging time and decided to get all my journals typed out so all one
day will know how hard I worked and roared and begged and screamed
for help, support and services. And I thought those idiots in that
other County were bad, well fuck me Dublin has surpassed even them
for not giving a shit for anyone at all. I find it amazing and
appalling that only now, 6 years down the line I'm being offered
respite, do they actually think that a couple of days away a month
will make me forget all the abuse, all the violence and all lies and
make me strong enough to still cope, make me forget. I will never,
ever forget.
Up
at 5am, changed my bedding, cleaned the house, waited till those two
had been up and used the toilet before I had my bath, put €5 on the
fireplace for youngests school money.
Went
on the 9am bus to buy for ink, get a quick shop in Tesco, banked
eldests money then taxi home. The taxi man who always collects me
asked me “how did you get on with the meeting yesterday” I filled
him in, he said “a young girl drove off the pier with her two kids
in the car and they all drowned” I said “Oh my god, I bet she too
was screaming from the roof tops for help and probably got the same
drip, drip bullshit that I've been getting since 2006. the poor, poor
girl and those poor children” I said “I suppose I will be next,
just another statistic” he said “don't even think about that
because those in power do not care so you keep fighting on” I told
him “I've no fight left in me” he said “you do girl, you do and
never forget it because I've known you a long time now so keep going”
I told him “I will try” he said “try is not good enough, tell
me you will” I said “okay, I will”
Sent
the charity I volunteer with a text telling them “I cannot do the
course because I'm cracking up due to my sons” I may as well let
everyone know the truth of what's going on with me and with my
family.
I
put eldests form for housing on top of the freezer but he ain't
lifted it, he moved it but has not taken it.
Edel
from Gheel rang me at 6.06pm, She asked “how's things since, have
you given any thought to the mediation with youngest” I told her
“I have now said it three times, never in a hundred years will I
agree to it. I will never forgive him and I'm getting MY HOUSE in
order. I feel like I've woken up from a long coma, my memory keeps
going back over all previous years and everything both my sons have
done to me physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally, medicating
me with sleeping tablets, removing my property, threatening to cut my
internet wire “so the bitch cannot go on it” and top of the list
to top all lists, how youngests lies took me mentally straight back
to the cottage and how I had to live with my ex who almost drove me
out of my mind with his lies, I was so down beaten and down trodden
that I constantly questioned my own sanity and started to believe
what he said may be true and that will never happen again and
certainly not by anyone I gave birth to and raised with nothing but
love all of their lives, my children will never get to make me feel
that way again” I told Edel “they are not frigging living with
me, so someone better start hearing my words clearly or I will launch
them out onto the streets, It's alright you lot saying this, that and
the other when you do not live this life, you do not put up with what
I have to put up with, in fact I know none of you would, your off
spring would all be feked off into a care home so you could all carry
on with your careers”
I was ranting like a lunatic. Edel said “I know it's not an option that they live with you any longer and the words you said at the meeting yesterday were so descriptive when you told us what you wrote to the Joe Duffy show, I used to be a rock, then a stone but now am a pebble who will soon be a grain of sand and disappear for ever. I told Edel “I meant it then and I mean it now” I said “I am nearly 52 bloody years of age, I have nothing left to give, I've been sucked dry of all life by them both, I have no life and have been so damaged by these men I will never have another relationship with a man as long as I live so they have destroyed my life, my past, my present and my future” Edel said again “I feels it's urgent that you get away for a couple of days, as early as this weekend, I will speak to Geraldine Murphy the Disability Manager about it tomorrow, I think it's important because it will give you a bit of head space and relaxation, I will check on bed and breakfasts for you this afternoon and get back to you and will check in with you tomorrow too” I said “ I feel sorry for you” she took it the wrong way at first and laughed sounding aghast at me, I said “I mean I feel sorry for you to have us and make sure once you're qualified you take on the easy cases” I told her “the only thing that youngest is possibly correct about is I push everyone away” I said “is that any bloody wonder when all anyone ever does to me is shit on me from a great height” Edel said “it's your nature to be a carer and some people are just born carers” I told her “eldest has not taken the housing form at all” she said “the transition has to be done slowly so he gets used to it” That pissed me off. I said “it will be done at my pace and no one else’s, my days of being a door mat are over” She said she will call me tomorrow.
I was ranting like a lunatic. Edel said “I know it's not an option that they live with you any longer and the words you said at the meeting yesterday were so descriptive when you told us what you wrote to the Joe Duffy show, I used to be a rock, then a stone but now am a pebble who will soon be a grain of sand and disappear for ever. I told Edel “I meant it then and I mean it now” I said “I am nearly 52 bloody years of age, I have nothing left to give, I've been sucked dry of all life by them both, I have no life and have been so damaged by these men I will never have another relationship with a man as long as I live so they have destroyed my life, my past, my present and my future” Edel said again “I feels it's urgent that you get away for a couple of days, as early as this weekend, I will speak to Geraldine Murphy the Disability Manager about it tomorrow, I think it's important because it will give you a bit of head space and relaxation, I will check on bed and breakfasts for you this afternoon and get back to you and will check in with you tomorrow too” I said “ I feel sorry for you” she took it the wrong way at first and laughed sounding aghast at me, I said “I mean I feel sorry for you to have us and make sure once you're qualified you take on the easy cases” I told her “the only thing that youngest is possibly correct about is I push everyone away” I said “is that any bloody wonder when all anyone ever does to me is shit on me from a great height” Edel said “it's your nature to be a carer and some people are just born carers” I told her “eldest has not taken the housing form at all” she said “the transition has to be done slowly so he gets used to it” That pissed me off. I said “it will be done at my pace and no one else’s, my days of being a door mat are over” She said she will call me tomorrow.
12th
January
I
had a dreadful night’s sleep. I woke up 4.30am wondering
how I was going to hold it all together then deal with the fall out.
I do not think I'm strong enough any more. I should be more like
their father and not give a fuck if they are alive or dead.
I
put €5 on fireplace for youngest for school, he's now locking his
bedroom door when he's out at school, it crossed my mind to kick the
door down but I've no energy to care just now. He's obviously hiding
something, more drama causing shit no doubt but I've no energy in me
to find out.
Eldest
was awake at 9.15am. I went out the door to go to Tesco and got a
taxi home with a big shop.
Edel
from Gheel sent a text, she can call me at 8pm, bloody hell that's
late.
The
lady from Cross care that I now run everything by, sent me a text
“take any respite offered by Gheel, getting away from the
atmosphere will allow you to take a breath”
How does a person deal with a broken heart I want to know, how does one deal with no communication from two adult men who have lied about me and sucked me dry of everything and I've heard nothing back from Edel from Gheel about any “urgent respite” just like last year when it was urgent that both me and youngest got away for a break and sod all was done about that.
How does a person deal with a broken heart I want to know, how does one deal with no communication from two adult men who have lied about me and sucked me dry of everything and I've heard nothing back from Edel from Gheel about any “urgent respite” just like last year when it was urgent that both me and youngest got away for a break and sod all was done about that.
Went
into my room to copy all from my small copy books into my A4
journals. I had never re read them before, I just normally write what
happened, I do a bit of venting by pen but I have never re read them
before. I was reading about my meeting with the support worker in the
refuge we lived in after eldest went ballistic and took my laptop
from me and threatened me, and tried to convince me to get sectioned,
he tried to get youngest and my so called friend K to call the Garda
to get me sectioned and forced me to agree to take sleeping tablets.
Reading all that made me so angry at the flaming cheek of him and of
K's involvement.
The
support workers words to me that day obviously did not sink in
because my stress levels were so sky high but they sure hit home as I
re read her words said to me that day. I realised and felt hit by a hypothetical
sledge hammer at what a complete fool I've been allowing these sons
of mine, now grown men to dictate to me, control me, abuse me, get
away with how they treat me, how they speak to me, if I spoke to them
in a similar fashion they would be screaming its abuse from the top
of their lungs so why do they think I'm easy meat for all they say
and do to me. It's appalling they only communicate with each other when they have to
join forces to gang up on me with bully boy eldest at the helm making
the bullets and trying to get youngest to fire them so he can then
claim his own hands are clean because it wasn't him. Now I see it so
clearly and remember him screaming “youngest cut her internet cable
so the bitch can't ever go on it again” “youngest call the Garda
NOW” “youngest, can't you see she's cracked up, you need to get a
doctor here and you need to get her sectioned” “youngest if you
don't get her out of here I will kill her” “youngest if you don't
shut her up I will kill her” How realisation did not dawn on me
before now, did not make sense to me, am I stupid? No, I wouldn't
have thought so, except when it comes to my sons.
I
immediately felt strong inside and got angry. Why the fuck am I
locked away in my room at night from 7pm till the morning in a house,
my house that I pay the rent for, it's me and me alone that provides
a roof over their heads, food I go out and buy and carry home,
clothes I buy and put on their backs, I provide 24 hour access to
broadband, I fight their frigging battles, they've taken the piss out
of me for the very last time. The support worker from the refuge had
told me in 2010 “you're an adult, you can do what you damn well
please in your own house, when you like and with whom you like, it's
not your children's business and they need to stop controlling you
and you need to stop letting them” She was so right but in that
chaos and madness and the fear and the lack of sleep, even tho I
heard her say those words and I wrote her words down I did not act on
them, I will now.
I
would normally on a Friday night have a naggin of vodka if I could
afford the €5 it costs, I'd watch TV, I'd play some music, I'd talk
to my friends in America online but I've gone without because a
naggin makes me relaxed and I needed to be on alert with those two
upstairs but re reading the support worker at the refuge words got me
out of my room, those written words gave me back inner strength so I
took back me, Anne, not mammy.
T
then rang me and said “you sound different” then she realised why
“you are normally whispering down the phone to me, for the first
time in a long time you're talking at normal volume and you sound
stronger” Me and T are like a comedy double act, no matter what
we've gone thru we always end up laughing.
I
sent Edel from Gheel a text “I'm walking to the local shop to get
myself a naggin if you still want to ring me at 8pm”
She rang me at 8.10pm. I told her “I feel stronger after reading what the refuge support worker said to me when I was still living with them in 2010 and she was so right and now I'm mad at myself because it took me so long to realise I've been an idiot as far as my sons are concerned but I no longer will be”
Edel said “we all at Gheel knew this could not go on for much longer and it always takes people many a crisis for them to say enough is enough”
I was flaming angry about that and told her “it's a disgrace, I've been roaring for help in another County since 2006 and in Dublin since April 2009 so what the hell are you playing at waiting for the carer to crack up, fuck me even Andy McDonnell the Consultant Clinical Psychologist said these guys are the hardest people on the planet to live with, so if you are the Autism experts why have you done jack shit” Edel turned the tables on me saying “we have to wait till the person doing the caring has had enough so we can then step in”
So in other words it's all my fault because I should have cracked up much earlier, that's a fucking deranged way of thinking for a charity that was started by parents whose kids have Autism, how fucking dare they, this is my life and my physical and mental health, what would they have done if eldest had stabbed me as he came close to doing so yet he lied to Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning about it and I down played it because I was still fucking protecting him, you would not get anyone else doing that except mothers so how dare my sons and this fucking agency treat me so badly and leave me with no help, supports or services, the carer does not matter to any bastard at all. And they have the fucking cheek to have on their website that “we work holistically with families” not this fucking family they did not. BASTARDS.
Edel said “it's your time now to make a life for yourself” I said “I'm nearly 52 years old and I have not lived on my own ever so I will find that very tough to do after being so isolated all these years as a carer” Edel said “I have no doubts as a very sociable person you will be okay” she actually doesn't know what the hell I mean. She said “the Disability Manager is talking to the General Manager about a package of Care but as the boys are not even on the housing list it can take up to 6 months for them to be even eligible for rent allowance” I got told by Edel yet again “they will be housed together with supports in place because it cannot be afforded to house them separately” I repeated what I'm now sick of saying “eldest is an abuser and an aggressor, who can and has been violent to both me and youngest, it was predicted by Dr Shah on her diagnostic report and immediate recommendations that no one did jack shit about, my sons do not get on, they never have got on and they never will get on unless eldest coerces youngest to do his bidding and youngest will do so just to keep the peace and so not shake eldests inner beast, it will not work and it will end in violence because it always has done and always will do, have you forgotten Andy McDonnells words of “eldest cannot live with anyone else” so if my eldest is deemed volatile enough for other people's safety, why has fuck all been done for my safety and now you don't care that you're putting my youngest at risk” Edel said “ the boys will just have to deal with it and you need to start letting go” which is a bloody huge cheek and a fucking disgrace. I said “if I have to then I will leave my house so youngest at least knows the area and how to get transport etc” Edel said “but that's your home” I said “it's never been a home, merely a house and I have never known a days peace in it so I will go and see a solicitor” I told her “be under no illusion that you or anyone else at Gheel know my sons because what they present in public and to Gheel is not reality and my eldest did not want you at the meeting with Michael McCreadie” She said “you sound more stronger and less emotional” I said “it's because I've woken up after re reading the refuge support workers words and I wish to god I had re read my journals a long time ago” I told her “both my sons talk about depression and suicide a lot to me yet don't tell any professional and that is where I'm always held hostage by them, it's emotional blackmail and it's horrifying what they put in my mind so I never get any peace at all” She said “no matter what happens I will always let you know how they're doing because they are your sons” There was no mention of the urgent respite and I did not bother asking. She will check in on me tomorrow.
She rang me at 8.10pm. I told her “I feel stronger after reading what the refuge support worker said to me when I was still living with them in 2010 and she was so right and now I'm mad at myself because it took me so long to realise I've been an idiot as far as my sons are concerned but I no longer will be”
Edel said “we all at Gheel knew this could not go on for much longer and it always takes people many a crisis for them to say enough is enough”
I was flaming angry about that and told her “it's a disgrace, I've been roaring for help in another County since 2006 and in Dublin since April 2009 so what the hell are you playing at waiting for the carer to crack up, fuck me even Andy McDonnell the Consultant Clinical Psychologist said these guys are the hardest people on the planet to live with, so if you are the Autism experts why have you done jack shit” Edel turned the tables on me saying “we have to wait till the person doing the caring has had enough so we can then step in”
So in other words it's all my fault because I should have cracked up much earlier, that's a fucking deranged way of thinking for a charity that was started by parents whose kids have Autism, how fucking dare they, this is my life and my physical and mental health, what would they have done if eldest had stabbed me as he came close to doing so yet he lied to Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning about it and I down played it because I was still fucking protecting him, you would not get anyone else doing that except mothers so how dare my sons and this fucking agency treat me so badly and leave me with no help, supports or services, the carer does not matter to any bastard at all. And they have the fucking cheek to have on their website that “we work holistically with families” not this fucking family they did not. BASTARDS.
Edel said “it's your time now to make a life for yourself” I said “I'm nearly 52 years old and I have not lived on my own ever so I will find that very tough to do after being so isolated all these years as a carer” Edel said “I have no doubts as a very sociable person you will be okay” she actually doesn't know what the hell I mean. She said “the Disability Manager is talking to the General Manager about a package of Care but as the boys are not even on the housing list it can take up to 6 months for them to be even eligible for rent allowance” I got told by Edel yet again “they will be housed together with supports in place because it cannot be afforded to house them separately” I repeated what I'm now sick of saying “eldest is an abuser and an aggressor, who can and has been violent to both me and youngest, it was predicted by Dr Shah on her diagnostic report and immediate recommendations that no one did jack shit about, my sons do not get on, they never have got on and they never will get on unless eldest coerces youngest to do his bidding and youngest will do so just to keep the peace and so not shake eldests inner beast, it will not work and it will end in violence because it always has done and always will do, have you forgotten Andy McDonnells words of “eldest cannot live with anyone else” so if my eldest is deemed volatile enough for other people's safety, why has fuck all been done for my safety and now you don't care that you're putting my youngest at risk” Edel said “ the boys will just have to deal with it and you need to start letting go” which is a bloody huge cheek and a fucking disgrace. I said “if I have to then I will leave my house so youngest at least knows the area and how to get transport etc” Edel said “but that's your home” I said “it's never been a home, merely a house and I have never known a days peace in it so I will go and see a solicitor” I told her “be under no illusion that you or anyone else at Gheel know my sons because what they present in public and to Gheel is not reality and my eldest did not want you at the meeting with Michael McCreadie” She said “you sound more stronger and less emotional” I said “it's because I've woken up after re reading the refuge support workers words and I wish to god I had re read my journals a long time ago” I told her “both my sons talk about depression and suicide a lot to me yet don't tell any professional and that is where I'm always held hostage by them, it's emotional blackmail and it's horrifying what they put in my mind so I never get any peace at all” She said “no matter what happens I will always let you know how they're doing because they are your sons” There was no mention of the urgent respite and I did not bother asking. She will check in on me tomorrow.
I
came home and I didn't lock myself in my room. I stayed in the
living room and watched all my soaps on TV. Tonight I do not feel
afraid of them at all. I don't know how long this feeling will last
but it's better than feeling terrorised. I went to bed at 11pm. I
wanted to listen to my relaxation music on my I pod but my ear phones
are broken, when I went to get the new ear phones youngest had bought
me for Xmas they had disappeared and I didn't even get to open the
bloody box. What a selfish twat.
13th
January
Took
my dog out a walk early. Spent all day writing.
Edel
from Gheel rang me at 2.45pm, she said “the boys housing will have
to be a private rental and situated near Gheel and youngests school,
the costings have been sent to the Disability Manager and I am
sending that to the General Manager. A 24 hour on call service will
be provided to the boys for the first 6 months and can include sleep
overs if required” I said “they will never allow that to happen
nor will they contact anyone by phone, not even if their lives
depended on it” I said “what about food, shopping for it,
cooking it, bills” Edel said “all that will all be taken into
account within the costings” I said “and I bet you it will not
be the €204 per week I get to live on will it” Edel said “if
the costings are accepted and agreed to, a private apartment could be
found in a week because there are plenty lying empty” I said “it
looks and feels like I'm losing everything at the same time and I've
been right all along, no one gives a shit about the carer do they”
No reply from her. She said “I will text youngest about all this”
I said “you can't do that because it's Friday and if youngest
tells eldest then god knows what his reaction will be and then I'll
be left at his mercy with no one to contact or help me” she said “I
will leave it till next week then and will just check in with him
generally and tell him the costings have been sent in and will tell
him I will come to the house next week and help him fill in the
housing forms if that is okay with you” I said “yes, what choice
do I have” I asked her “make sure you find out if youngest is
okay because he doesn't look alright to me” she said “I will”
I asked her “have you told the Disability Manager about the idea
that I leave and leave the boys in this house” she said “no
because they would jump on that idea straight away” she said “why
don't you wait till you have spoken to the solicitor”
When
I got off the phone I sat and cried, for them, for me. What a fucking
mess.
Gheel
make me sick, all the years I have begged them for their help. Andy
McDonnell said on more than one occasion that the obstacle to
helping my eldest was me so is that why they sat back and waited till
I almost had a breakdown, till it's an emergency and have done jack
shit. It is a disgrace and I have lost my kids, they were my life,
are my life and I have now lost them and lost myself in the process,
how is that right for any agency to do to a family. On their website
it states they work “holistically” with their clients and
families.
IS
THIS NOT AGAINST THE IRISH CONSTITUTION. THE BASTARDS.
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text “ youngest is okay, just busy with
school. She really does not know my son at all. My youngest is deep
and only fills anyone in when his proverbial bottle is full and he
explodes. I know something is wrong with him which is why I bloody
asked her to find out for me.
My
friend rang me at 11am. I filled her in and told her “if anything
happens to the boys by their own hand or to one another then I will
never forgive Gheel or the HSE or myself” I said “I know for
sure because I know my kids so well that all I will be seen as is the
big bad wolf, there will be no memory of all I have done for them,
given up for them, they will just rewrite their history deleting me
out of it and it's not fair and I want to howl and scream the place
down. Ireland is supposed to fucking protect the family, it's in
their damn constitution so why was my family not supported and
protected and not one bastard professional helped him with anything
and now look at us “ Friend said “no one who has been involved
with your family all these years and certainly not me would ever
think of you as anything other than a loving, caring mother and I
have seen and witnessed it with my own eyes” It did not make me
feel any better.
I
made their dinner and sent youngest a text telling him it was ready,
no reply and no thanks but they did came down for it.
14th
January
Had
to attend a course for the charity I volunteer with. I had feeling
of dread all day. On the bus home when it stopped at the end of my
street my stomach did a flip, just like it used to when living in the
cottage and I would hear the ex's car coming.
When
I stepped in the door the poor dog was bouncing off the walls
desperate for the toilet, they couldn't even let her out for the
toilet all day. The kitchen was a disgrace and I had cleaned the
house before I went out. Youngest had just thrown his dirty laundry
on the floor and he knows how to put a wash on, he's done it many
times, they are taking the piss. The
poor animals had used up their water and neither of them had refilled
it for them. I sent youngest a text asking him if they were hungry
for dinner, no reply so sod them, they can sort themselves out.
Cleaned
dishes, done the laundry and hoovered the living room. I took my dog
out for a walk. Youngest was down the stairs at 7.40pm and went out
the front door and returned at 7.55pm, he must have had a phone call
that he didn't want anyone to hear.
Checked
my emails late and found out that T C has died, god almighty she is
only 10 months older than me and was my ex sister in law. I can still
see us age 12 in her back garden in our swim suits lying on towels
and bird shit landing on my bare back and us roaring with laughter,
we were once such good and close friends. I had to read it a few
times because it seemed so unreal, I thought it must be a mistake but
no she is dead.
The
tears came out of me then, I rarely break down like that. I do get
emotional very easily, even TV ads can make my eyes spill but I
normally manage to swallow things down and quickly recover but a
deluge arrived in me and there was no stopping it. I cried for T.C.
I cried for my kids and the shit life they've had to live and are now
saddled with for the rest of their lives. I cried because the future
looks bleak, bleak for us all. I cried and I sobbed, my head was
telling me to stop, to calm down, my body was saying it's all been
stored up for far too long and it's got to come out no matter what
you think you can do to stop it. I started crying at 11.45am and
stopped at 12.30am. I was exhausted, so damn exhausted but I could
breath better with no feeling of a weight on my chest any more. I
cannot believe T.C has died, I even spoke to Edel from Gheel about
her at one of our cafe meetings. It's awful news, just bloody awful,
I can still see the laughing girl in her back garden, life is cruel
and life is unfair. She was far too young to have died.
My
sorrow for T.C soon turned to sorrow for myself, why does no one
realise or care that in my mind and eyes because it's true, I gave
birth to two perfect children. I only found out about eldest when he
was 15 and youngest when he was 18 and that broke my heart, I always
knew something was wrong with eldest, I tried all I could when he was
young to find out what was wrong but no one was interested but
youngest, my youngest, I would never have know, I'm still finding it
hard to accept, but he is wearing the “I have a disability cloak”
and is actively seeking other things to be diagnosed with,
depression, bi polar, he reads it, he claims to have it, he lets the
whole world know it all to, from his bedroom. It's a stark
realisation that not one person will be at my side when I take my
last breath, my kids should be ashamed of themselves. I was not put
on earth for every fucker I have had contact with to frigging abuse
me in one form or another. They make me feel like a monster, a
paedophile, someone dangerous and it's so far from who I am. All
these thoughts were in my head when my door started knocking, it was
eldest, all I could think was feck him, he stopped talking on Xmas
Eve, why I still have no clue and his presents are still untouched in
the living room. He ruined Xmas, he ruins everything. I have no
interest in hearing what he had to say to me now. Youngest then sent
me a text “I am in bed, eldest wants to talk to you” amazing
isn't it that youngest never replies to my text about dinner yet he's
now happy enough to text. I ignored them both. I am taking a page out
of their book by ignoring them.
I
have morphed into a petulant and sullen teenager.
15th
January
Took
my dog to the park at 6am, it was pitch black, my face was a mess
with all the crying I've done, I don't care what I look like any
more, I don't care who seen me in this state. My tears kept
resurfacing so I went home after 20 minutes of my dog running around.
I cleaned the house, had breakfast, then went back into my room. I'm
doing nothing for these two men today. Had a bath and the dog had
destroyed the kitchen, toilet roll was everywhere and eldests housing
forms were ripped to shreds. I put their laundry outside their room
doors and after 4 hours of doing so the clean clothes were still
lying where I'd left them. I have a headache with crying so much but
it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
I
waited till it was dark before I went out and bought them a take
away. I rang T, she said “you're a mug, if they are big and ugly
enough to treat you like shit they are big and ugly enough to get
their own food or walk and get it for themselves” She is right, I
know she's right and I know I'm a fool, a total fool. They would do
nothing for me, they've proved that time and time again.
I
left their take away on the work top, they must have smelled it
because they came down for it, no thanks out of their horrible
mouths. They left the wrappers all over the work top instead of
putting them in the bin so the kitchen was stinking in the morning
and the dog had got the wrappers and tore them to shreds everywhere
on the floor.
16th
January
Text
from Edel from Gheel 5.04pm “Hi Anne, how are things since, how did
the wk end go.
I
found out Edel contacted a family member of mine that I have no
contact with and who has had no contact with my sons the past 6
years. I was furious.
I
know for a fact my youngest has been informed by Edel that I now know
what I wasn't informed about because he's banging stuff around the
hall and the stairs, he had better not come near me. I rarely get
actually really angry but by Christ I am fucking fuming right this
minute.
I
rang T and told her about Edel's contact with the family member and
not telling me anything about it. T she said “I have no doubts Edel
will want to come to the house to talk to you urgently as she's
broken confidentiality and trust with you” I said “I couldn't
care less, I'm done with them all now”
There
is no one left to trust except T, my friend and the lady from Cross
care.
I
went out for a walk, I cannot be in same house as my sons, they have
not one loyal bone in their body for their own mother.
17th
January
Awake
4am, took my dog out at 6am, just one man on his bike going to work,
no one else was around at all. My dog had great time running free in
the park. Bath and housework and caught the 9am bus to Tesco.
I
missed the bus coming back and had a 30 minute wait for the next one.
I did lot of thinking standing there. Edel cannot be my support any
longer, that much has been made clear to me, the slyness of her to be
informing a family member of anything. Any relationship no matter
what kind is a two way street and requires both trust and
communication, there is now none with Edel so she can work away with
my sons who are adults but she will no longer be working with me. She
is expected at my house today to apparently help the boys fill in
housing forms at 5pm.
I
bought a cooked chicken to save time because I'm making dinner early
as I know eldest will start to get anxious about Edel coming to the
house. I couldn't find either of my two small peeling knives anywhere
in my kitchen. I thought I must be going mad. I no longer keep any
large knives because look what happened the last time I did have one.
I checked under the sink, in the kitchen drawer, down the back of the
kitchen drawer in case they'd fallen down the back. I still couldn't
find them, then it dawned on me, I don't know why it took me so long
to figure it out, my first instinct was to call the Garda but the
protecting mammy appeared yet again so I roared up the stairs to my
eldest “you have 5 seconds to get my knives down or the Garda will
be called” and I started calling out “one, two, three” eldest
came out of his room immediately and said “I took them because you
were screaming the place down at 4 in the morning” I said “I was
crying my eyes out, not screaming and it was 11.45pm, not 4am and
even if I was screaming the house down which I was not, it would be
none of your bloody business at all” I said “where was I, oh yes
in my bedroom and locked in too, so why the hell would I be wanting a
knife” he said “we thought you might cut your wrists” Jesus
Christ Almighty. I knew this was complete and utter bullshit from
him, I asked him “if I'm crying because I received bad news why
would that mean I would want to cut my wrists, where is the logic”
I asked him “why would you take knives into your bedroom and when
have I ever before claimed I would cut my wrists and you had better
not ever touch anything that belongings to me ever again or make up
bullshit lies about me, I've had enough of it to last me a lifetime”
he handed me back the two small peeling knives.
That
left me shaking all over. I should have just rang the Garda to take
him away as they warned him in the refuge house that they would do.
I rang T and I told her “where their father failed to tip me over
the edge they are going all out to make sure I do” I said “I
have never threatened to cut my wrists in my life and if I was going
to take my own life I would sure find a more painless way to do it, I
don't do any kind of pain” T said “just call the Garda out
because those clever bastards now have a great tale at the ready to
give to Edel from Gheel when she comes out to visit them later, they
really are wicked bastards but look how clever they are at turning
the tables to make you out to be the wicked witch of the west, you
are drained with all this non stop drama and you're draining me too and as you keep telling me, it's time to put up or shut up, just get
them thrown out of the house and do it today, why are you still
worrying about them when they both clearly do not give a shit about
you at all, all that is going to happen is they will keep trying till
they succeed at driving you insane” I said “it's not as easy as
just doing what you're telling me to, I wish I could, I really do but
I promise I will do something today to make their madness stop and
protect myself”
At
3.27pm I rang Women’s Aid and told them about the bad news I got
and me crying and my previous history with firstly their dad and now
my sons acting just like him, the woman on the phone said “no one
should have to live like that, it's your house, they are now adults
and having a disability does not make a person an abuser” Re the
knives she said “eldest is controlling you and turning things round
to fit his version of events, you do have options, get the Garda in
to remove him, you do not need a reason, it's your house or you can
go into a refuge for at least your sanity or you can get a safety or
barring order and if he puts a foot wrong the Garda will get him out”
I said “the Autism Agency will most probably back him up to the
hilt because they do not want him, because it will cost them far too
much and they have left me to cope alone all these years” She said
“it's nothing to do with them, they do not live with him and you do
not have to live this way so put an end to it” She said “the
Agency do not care whilst they both live with you, it's time you
thought of you, no one deserves this, it's abuse and having a
disability is no excuse at all, he knows exactly what he's doing and
it will not change till you do and will not get better until you
change it” She gave me an outreach appointment to talk to someone
face to face at 3.15pm.
I
sent Edel from Gheel a text: “My son had two knives in his room,
apparently to stop me from cutting my wrists the early hours of
Sunday morning, all complete bullshit. I threatened to call the Garda
and he produced them quick enough. I've rang Women's Aid and they've
advised me to get a Barring Order. I do not need to live like this.
It's a disgrace, having a disability does not make anyone an abuser
or a liar”
Edel
from Gheel rang me at 3.37pm. I told her “I got news about my ex
sister in law, she asked me “was she the one who went to America”
I said “yes” she knew we were once close as I'd previously
talked to her about her. I told her about me “crying and sobbing”
I told her “if it hadn't been for Women's Aid I would have been
questioning my sanity and been sucked back into mental mind games,
that its all my own fault scenario again. I know how mentally fragile
I've become” Edel sympathised and said “it must have taken you
back to the knife incident in 2010” I said “that never leaves
you once it's happened and eldest is one lucky boy not to be sitting
in the Garda station cell right this minute” I said “I fully
realise that just like daddy both my sons will do or say anything to
protect themselves and fuck their mother scenario and I want them
gone She talked about “respite” again, I said “I'm sick of
hearing that word, the only respite I now want is my sons out of here
as no respite has ever materialised” Edel then told me “I
received an email from a family member who was concerned about the
boys being left homeless” Edel said “I merely replied that the
boys were not homeless and that Gheel are looking into alternative
accommodation for them both” I told Edel “any relationship
requires trust and communication and you have given me neither”
she said “other priorities got in the way due to it being a crisis
situation, I was just acknowledging the email, that’s all” Which
I know is crap. She said “I have spoken to the Disability Manager
re agreeing to a plan and costings for private rental but the General
Manager has been on holiday and we're awaiting a response” She
said “I think being your key support worker and now dealing with
boys could be crossing boundaries, you may be worried as to what boys
might say about you” I said “I couldn't care less, I already
know how they speak about me but the good thing about always telling
the truth is you can immediately recall it” She said “I feel it
would be better for me to get the boys linked in with a male member
of staff so I can only support you if you're happy with that” I
told her “I'm raging at you talking to a family member and me
knowing nothing about it. She said “I know you always tell it
straight because that's your personality” She said “if you want
to make a complaint you should put it in writing” I said “no,
I'm happy enough confronting a person with what I want to say” I
said “I am still totally confused how eldest could come up with
such a story and if he indeed thought his mother was suicidal why not
just kick my frigging bedroom door down, he kicked his fathers
bedroom door down just to get fucking biscuits so I can't figure out his
logic at all” Edel said “you will drive yourself nuts trying, so
don't” She asked “is it still okay to come out to the boys at
5pm” I said “yes”
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text that she was running late. I took the dog
out for a long walk. I rang T and told her about Edel ringing me and
I feel that something unusual is going on because my eldest seemed
almost happy when I was leaving with the dog” T said “he's
probably dying to tell Edel his “juicy tale”and I think you're
mad because all of this could have been over today if you had just
called the Garda and had him taken away, they would have done it in a
heart beat because they warned him the last time he pulled a knife on
you” She said “it just shows you he learned nothing at all after
the last time he had that carving knife so it's a shock he needs and
peace you need”
I
sat in the park with my dog, it was freezing cold. I was thinking
about my conversation with T.
I don't know why people are not seeing all this from a mothers point of view, it is killing me inside thinking about the way we were, the way we all are now, the years that have been wasted coming back here, thinking about when they're gone from me, if they'll be okay, if they'll have someone look out for them the way I have, about how they will cope, about how I will cope without them in my life after all these years. I am no one's fool, I know that they will cut me dead from their life, just like their father did me and them. They are their father full stop with very little of me in them and I have no doubts they will eventually be diagnosed with a mental illness because how they are is not down to Aspergers at all.
I don't know why people are not seeing all this from a mothers point of view, it is killing me inside thinking about the way we were, the way we all are now, the years that have been wasted coming back here, thinking about when they're gone from me, if they'll be okay, if they'll have someone look out for them the way I have, about how they will cope, about how I will cope without them in my life after all these years. I am no one's fool, I know that they will cut me dead from their life, just like their father did me and them. They are their father full stop with very little of me in them and I have no doubts they will eventually be diagnosed with a mental illness because how they are is not down to Aspergers at all.
When
the hour was up I sent Edel a text asking “have you finished yet
because I want to come home” she replied “not yet but soon will
be finished” I went home anyway, its my bloody house and I was
frozen and bursting for the toilet. I turned the radio up loud in the
kitchen and sat on the back door step. I didn't even know Edel had
left, it was only when eldest went to the toilet and youngest came
into the kitchen that I knew she must have left. Youngest
had had a weird smile on his face. I doubt he even knew how he
looked. I was sitting on the kitchen worktop next to the microwave,
he asked “can I get to microwave please” and he burst out
laughing.
Edel then sent me a text “need all eldests previous address's and social welfare statements. I will see you tomorrow at 11am”
Edel at house to help eldest and youngest fill in housing forms for the council:
Edel then sent me a text “need all eldests previous address's and social welfare statements. I will see you tomorrow at 11am”
Edel at house to help eldest and youngest fill in housing forms for the council:
“The
boys were discussing their birth certs, laughing at their mother down
as an office clerk, that stung me for some reason, condescending sods
when they have not had a job in their lives and I have paid for
everything for them both.
Eldest
in a worried voice asked “is the noise outside T, it sounds like T”
youngest said “no, it's knackers”
Edel
arrived, she asked them “how are you” eldest said “good except
she was screaming at me this morning, I will tell you about that in a
minute, I have it written down on my kindle”
Edel
explained about the Disability Manager and the General Manager,
“waiting to hear back from her” She then said “so things have
been heated over the weekend”
Eldest-
“youngest
said she had too much to drink. I was asleep dreaming about a train
crash, it was fucking horrible. I woke up to blood curdling screams
(bullshit) she was sort of crying, fake crying, every 5 minutes
wailing at top of her lungs, I ran downstairs and got knives, I
wrapped them in a t shirt and put them in my room”
(there was no drink involved at all, I had received bad news about T.C. Why are they lying?)
(there was no drink involved at all, I had received bad news about T.C. Why are they lying?)
Edel
– “Why did you do that?
Eldest
-”I don't know, I just woke up, I was tired and scared, I
kept knocking on her door asking if she wanted to talk to anyone”
Edel-
“That must have been
very intense”
Eldest-
“I don't speak to her, she's not spoken to me since Xmas Eve, she's
not nice to speak to”
(He is a liar, he shut down on Xmas Eve and left me petrified the whole day. Youngest had predicted that eldest had the hump)
(He is a liar, he shut down on Xmas Eve and left me petrified the whole day. Youngest had predicted that eldest had the hump)
Edel-
“I spoke to your mum today surrounding support”
Eldest-
“She's doing it for attention, it was scary”
Youngest-
“She does this every Saturday or Sunday” (does what?)
Eldest-
“she gets very lairy when drunk” (I've
never been drunk since my 20's)
Youngest-
“It's her coping mechanism, she gets drunk and listens to S Club 7,
I seen a bottle of vodka recently”
(utter bullshit, if and when I can afford on a Friday night I get a naggin of vodka costing €5 and the only time S Club 7 music has been played by me was to make a mini movie from photographs to add music for my youngests birthday, it took me months to do and get right)
(utter bullshit, if and when I can afford on a Friday night I get a naggin of vodka costing €5 and the only time S Club 7 music has been played by me was to make a mini movie from photographs to add music for my youngests birthday, it took me months to do and get right)
Eldest-
“She's not an alcoholic, she's a binge drinker”
(I have 4 drinks on a Friday night if I can afford it)
(I have 4 drinks on a Friday night if I can afford it)
Edel-
“Has this got more frequent recently”
Youngest-
“No, just sometimes on Friday nights when she listens to 80's
music”
(Edel from Gheel was in my house regards housing, to help my eldest with filling in a housing form so why all the discussion about me and quizzing them about my alcohol intake which is 4 drinks once per week if I'm lucky enough to afford it)
(Edel from Gheel was in my house regards housing, to help my eldest with filling in a housing form so why all the discussion about me and quizzing them about my alcohol intake which is 4 drinks once per week if I'm lucky enough to afford it)
Edel-
“In terms of Social Welfare,
it's €188” (He gets Disability Allowance)
Eldest-
“I don't know, I don't get it”
Youngest-
“Yes you do”
Eldest-
“But I'm not getting it”
Youngest
“Yes you are, it's banked”
(eldest spent almost €3000 in a matter of weeks. I had to get him a Post Bank Account because he was frittering away his money on electronic goods, he bought 3 electric guitars when he could not even play one, they just looked good to him. Post Bank closed down so I opened a Credit Union account for him. Edel has seen the receipts because I showed her them at our meetings in the cafe because we always met when I had to collect eldests money and bank it for him on Wednesdays)
(eldest spent almost €3000 in a matter of weeks. I had to get him a Post Bank Account because he was frittering away his money on electronic goods, he bought 3 electric guitars when he could not even play one, they just looked good to him. Post Bank closed down so I opened a Credit Union account for him. Edel has seen the receipts because I showed her them at our meetings in the cafe because we always met when I had to collect eldests money and bank it for him on Wednesdays)
Edel-
“Will need to find out if the
maintenance can be paid directly to you, I will look into that, we
may need a solicitor, I will talk to Mary about it”
(I have been in and out of court since September 2006 getting court orders for maintenance which Edel knows about as she offered to come to court with me, their father will not fucking pay maintenance, which she also knows about)
(I have been in and out of court since September 2006 getting court orders for maintenance which Edel knows about as she offered to come to court with me, their father will not fucking pay maintenance, which she also knows about)
Youngest-
“What about the arrears, will we get that too, it's €30 for both
of us plus €20 arrears but he owes thousands”
Eldest-
“He'll never pay it”
Youngest-
“He has to pay it”
Edel-
“I don't know, I will look into it”
Edel-
“Need consent forms signed to
access other reports and files”
(from where, they were not told) “The ideal would be separate living space but initially together in the short term, you need to write what problems you have with your current accommodation”
(from where, they were not told) “The ideal would be separate living space but initially together in the short term, you need to write what problems you have with your current accommodation”
Youngest-
“Infestation” he laughs
Eldest-
also laughing, “that is not fucking helpful”
Edel-
“Just say crisis situation at home and HSE involvement leading to
separate accommodation required. You need to be on the housing list
for 6 months to get RAS. If you are happy enough to sign it and also
the consent form for the HSE to come on-board for you”
Youngest-
“Is this about sharing information?
Edel-
“Kind of, amongst other things, I will give the forms to the
Primary Care Social Work Team. Are you OK about consent form”
Youngest-
“I suppose so”
Edel
- If anything comes
up, questions etc you can ring me or Mary. Michael McCreadie will be
over next weekend
(the boys weren't interested in him)
“I have another person I would like you to meet, one of the team,
maybe Paul or Patrick for independent living skills and coping
strategies. I will be in touch on Friday”
I
went to bed disgusted with them all, the sooner I depend on me and me
alone the better.
18th
January
I
could hear both of them were awake. I stayed in my room till
youngest left for school at 8am.
I rang
the Garda station asking for a copy of the report from 2012 because
I'm going to court to get a Protection Order. A lovely girl said “I
can't help because it wasn't my case but I'll get the Sarg to call
you back” She rang me back ten minutes later to say “The Sarg if
off today but I'll leave a message for him about your message”
Edel
from Gheel arrived at 11am. I had all addresses for my eldest written
for her and his Disability Allowance receipts. I again showed her
the Credit Union book, she'd seen it numerous times before because I
would meet her in the cafe after I'd been to bank eldests money. She
wanted to take eldests Social Welfare Card, I asked her “how are
you going to get his money for him when he's got no ID and you need
an agents letter to collect it and you can only do that by applying
via a form that eldest needs to sign” There is not a college on
earth that can give a person common sense. She was going thru forms and
I saw an HSE consent form and asked her “what does a consent form
for the HSE mean for the boys” She said “to help with housing
etc” no explanation given what the etc meant. It seems to me
getting told my son's are adults on numerous occasions by Edel from
Gheel means jack shit because they ain't getting treated as adults by
her because she has yet to give a full explanation to youngest even
tho he asked her what the consent was for.
19th
January
I
woke up at 4.30am to a sticky note on the floor outside my bedroom
“need A4 paper, €40 for CAO Application, €14 for school trip to
see a Hamlet Play” No please and no thank you written.
Youngest
came down stairs and said “I need money for a new mechanical
pencil” I just pointed to the A4 writing pad I'd left out for
him along with €56 cash, he went off to school. I should have told
him to piss off and not given him a cent, he really would have
something to moan about then. I was fuming, I am out of pocket by
€91 in one week for youngest alone, and that has really upset my
financial apple cart and he dares to lie about me and disrespect me
to Edel from Gheel. I am apparently an “infestation”
Went
to town to see if the solicitor was in today, she wasn't.
I
came back by bus to bank eldests money and juggle my own money as
youngest has taken chunks of it for weeks and months now and I am
seriously struggling to pay my rent and bills.
Once
home I rang all utilities to tell them I'm struggling financially and
they need them to be patient till I sort something out. I am so tired
and miserable, I feel the whole world is against me, I had a very
tearful day. I had to keep telling myself whilst walking outside, do
not think of the past, do not think of the future, just think of now,
it kind of worked, it kept me from freely crying anyway
Youngest
has had a total of €86 out of me this week alone, it will be €91
if I add tomorrows school money. He came home at 1.15pm, said not a
word, he just went straight to his room.
Went
to meet the Women's Aid lady at 3.15pm.
I
told the woman R the whole sorry saga, she said “I do not care
about Aspergers, abuse is abuse and both your sons know right from
wrong”she said “I do know with this condition of Aspergers that
high IQ's are involved but you must not ever forget that this is not
their condition abusing you, it's them, your sons no matter what
excuses any agency that doesn't live with them or put up with them
say to the contrary”
She
said “it should have all been dealt with legally back in 2010 and
shame on all agencies involved that it wasn't” She said “the fact
that eldest had two knives in his room means he's learnt nothing or
he believes that mum will do nothing about it because you should have
when he assaulted you and that was before the knife incident in 2010
even happened, you should have had him arrested for assault” she
said “the dynamics are all wrong, what he's doing is wrong, it's
domestic abuse, it doesn't matter what he thinks or believes in his
head, you're entitled to make any sound you like in the privacy of
your own bedroom” She asked me “why did he have the knives for
three days in his room” I had no idea but before I could say that
to her she said “it doesn't matter what excuse he comes up with to
explain it, his temper, the prior physical attack and prior threats
with a large knife means you need to protect yourself, he's proven
he's capable of violence, I would advise you to get an immediate
Protection Order, this will give you protection in your home and he
may be out and re homed before you need to go back to court for a
safety order but you can then attend the court yourself and ask for a
strike out”
I
told her about his “agoraphobia and my fear is that he may be
forced to attend the court in person” she said “you have to stop
thinking as a protective mother because he certainly hasn't thought
about you and all he's done to you and you need to start thinking of
him as an adult man, yes he's your son but no son should ever be
treating their mother this way and no son should be abusing you this
way and this may be enough to let him know that you do have the right
and the law to protect you from all abuse, verbal, physical and
mental” “Because you have not taken these steps before to protect
yourself, he has to realise that he has to behave in a certain way or
there will be serious consequences”she said “I bet he's never
done this to anyone else” I said “he's punched his brother full
in the face twice before” she said “I meant outside of the
family” I said “no, he wouldn't dare” she said “what does
that tell you, because it tells me that he alone decides who he does
it to so he does have control over his behaviour” she said “make
sure you have someone with you when he receives the protection order
from the court because you can never tell what his reaction may be”
I
told her what eldest told Edel from Gheel as his explanation for
having the knives in his room and I think Edel has simply believed
and accepted his version.
R
said “Edel will never know how it feels to be chased out of a house
at the end a a large knife because it happened to you not to her, she
does not live with the constant fear, stress, and abuse and only you
can put a stop to all of this” She said “let others use his
condition to excuse him but there's no excuse at all regarding how
he's treating you and been controlling you for years” She said “I
believe it would be much easier on you mentally to get a Protection
Order against a spouse because being a mother will feel like it's
going against the grain but you have proved you've fought for years
and years on his behalf, you've been very pro active trying to get as
much help as you could for him by contacting every agency you could
and there will be clear records of all you have done going back years
and years so you've done all you can as a mother, you're a good
mother and do not let anyone convince you otherwise”
She
said “your sons will not change because they have got away for
years, how they talk to you and how they treat you, they are men now
and responsible for themselves” She said “If this was me, I
wouldn't even cook for them, I bet they wouldn't go hungry, I bet
they would soon learn how to cook, you would be surprised what people
can do for themselves if left to it” She reminded me “the home
you have now is yours for life if you don't want to leave it, other
peoples families move out and get married etc but that doesn't mean
the parents have to downsize, you do what you want to do, go and get
the Protection Order, you do not even have to mention Aspergers
because it's not relevant, he is abusing you and with his IQ he knows
it”
My
mind was tortured. I knew I needed to do this, to once in my life
stand up for myself. I am good enough to stand up for others but
rarely for myself. I need to let eldest know I'm taking no more and I
will not take any more abuse or lies or excuses from him. I ended up
fighting my conscience all night long, if I didn't do this I never
would. I know it had to be done. I made them dinner then was in my
bedroom for 7pm, I didn't even watch TV as I had no concentration at
all.
20th
January
I
was awake at 5.15am, I tossed and turned all night long about this
protection order, about a mother doing this to her own child but what
about all my child has done to me, he's no longer a child, he's a
grown man over 6ft. I have to do it, it’s time to say no more to
any form of abuse, no more lies, no more full stop.
For
the first time ever I felt scared letting my dog out of the back door
in the dark, it must be my nerves.
I
had a bath, got dressed, left my youngest €5 on the fireplace for
school and still had no head peace for me. I was still working out
the pros and the cons about what I was about to do, the cons told me
I will be seen as the devil incarnate but aren’t I this already in
both their eyes. I will be hated and despised the rest of my days but
he already tells me this and on a regular basis. I have to end this,
there has never been any consequences re his behaviour whatsoever, I
hope this will show him he cannot ever hurt me again and learn not to
behave this way with anyone he may meet in the future. My real and
genuine fear is the closer it gets to him moving out is that his
behaviour will get more erratic and explosive because he may feel he
has nothing to lose and “punish me” in whatever form he sees fit.
I can only hope he not only learns by law that he cannot do this to
me but also to any woman he may meet in the future because his own
moral compass sure ain't telling him it's not okay to be verbal,
violent, threatening and cause mental torture and fear to me on a
daily basis.
I
got the 8.30am bus to town, still hesitating about doing this. I got
lost en route to the court and I've been to that court so many times
before, my head was mangled. The court wasn't open, some bloke stood
next to me and started yapping. I normally would be the one to do the
yapping, all I wanted to do was think, the man was driving me nuts so
I told him he could go in before me so I could have peace to still
think this over, there was no going back once I did this.
I
went to counter, there is never any privacy in that place. The wagon
of a woman had a loud voice. I asked her “read what I've written
down because it's the reason I am here” She asked me for a
“reference number” I said “I don't know it” she said in a
sarcastic tone, “come on now you have been here plenty of times
before” I said “excuse me, keep your voice down” she was fine
then, she retracted her attitude and told me to ensure when I was
interviewed that I stated loud and clear that it was for junior and
not senior. I was given a ticket for the interview room and was still
telling myself that I could leave, I could still walk out but I
didn't. I sat for 15 minutes in the small waiting area that soon
filled up then I got called in. I saw a lovely lady who at first was
very officious and I told her all the history including the excuse my
eldest had about having the knives and Gheel just accepting his
explanation and I don't feel safe and haven't since 2010 and had to
explain all that had happened in 2010 and “even after the Garda
warned him what would happen to him, my son is still sending me
abusive emails” I was told “it will be a long wait to see the
judge so just to go off and get yourself a cup of tea” the woman
became human then and not just a court official, she told me “you
should have done this sooner, years ago, no one, not anyone should
have to put up with this or live like this” I said “I'm still
his mum” she said “most mum's are treasured” and that one
sentence broke me and broke my heart because it's so true but not for
me. She said “good luck” That really hurt to hear her say most
mum's are treasured, that fucking hurts me badly because I know I'm
not, I have never been and I will never be, despite doing all I could
to be the best mother I could be. All for what, all for nothing.
I
went outside and I was shaking like a leaf. I sent a text to my
friend, to L and to T. I had my ear phones in and Bon Jovi was on
radio, a flood of memories of us all going to the Bon Jovi concert in
Milton Keynes for one of my Wedding Anniversary’s. I cannot
remember which one and my eldest took his concert ticket to school to
show everyone, he treasured that ticket for a long time so much so
that I laminated it for him but doing that destroyed his ticket and
he was so upset with me but I was laminating it so he could keep it
forever. Christ Almighty I nearly had a breakdown in the street,
pleading with the other side of God and his Angels if they did exist
not to let me have a breakdown of crying in the street and asking
myself how the hell did we all end up in this position. I hate and
detest my brain, I think in pictures and I see memories as films in
my head so when I had memories of us at the Bon Jovi concert it
played out in my head and I could clearly see my eldests face as a
child, so happy and so excited.
My
friend rang me, she is such a good woman and has never let me down as
support. She said “it’s time to protect yourself now Anne and do
what is needed to achieve that” I went back into the court and sat
like a statue till I was called at 12.40pm. A man began chatting
next to me, he said “I was in court yesterday too but a woman
stabbed her Social Worker and threatened to do same to the judge so
the court was emptied which is why I'm back today” I said nothing,
I just thought that could have been me at my sons hands back in 2010.
I
had to go up to the 1st floor. I know judges don't like
emotion, they only deal with facts but I was an emotional wreck and
once I walked thru that door I knew this would be life changing and I
didn't even know if for the better or for the worse. I had to swear
on the bible and was asked questions, I was asked about Aspergers,
the judge said “I cannot believe you have two children with the
same condition, is it hereditary” I said “it must be, but I don't
know, all I know is I live with it and after the past 6 years I
cannot cope with it but cannot do anything and will not do anything
to have him removed from the house until alternative accommodation
with supports are in place for his safety and well being” I said
“I have been begging for this since 2006” I told her “he will
not be able to attend court in March because he's had agoraphobia for
the past 6 years so can I request a strike out before then” she
said “you can stop it at any time by letter or by attending court
but you must give him a copy of the order because he cannot break the
order if he doesn't know about it and you have to also give it to
your local Garda station” She wrote out the Protection Order and
told me “take good care of yourself” I had to stand on the back
stairs of the court and sort myself out. I was in floods of tears.
My old friend C sent me a text but I couldn't reply to her. I was
just trying to pull myself together and not have a public breakdown.
I
had a long walk to the bus stop and had 23 minutes to then wait for
the bus home. The drunkest woman I ever saw in my life was walking up
to people with a glass of booze in her hands, she could hardly stand,
she made no sense whatsoever. I wished my sons could see her and
then compare that to me who has 4 drinks on a Friday if I can afford
it. I moved away from the bus stop because if she approached me I
would have lost my temper. The woman stumbled away after many people
told her to “fuck off”
I
got chatting to a young girl at the bus stop, she was only in her
20's and had three kids under 5, she rents privately and said she
would never have enough points for a council house for 15 years, the
poor soul looked so down beaten by life and told me her kids father
fucked off and left her to fend for herself and cope with three small
kids under 5 years old. I fucking hate men like that. Woman should
be put on a pedestal, the ones who do all the hard graft and feed and
clothe and love their kids but mostly we just get nothing but grief
at all times.
I
was shitting myself on way back to house. I felt so sick about all
this. T sent me a text to say she was awake. I couldn't talk because
I was on the bus. I rang her before I walked into the house. she
said “I am so proud of you doing this to protect yourself” I
said “I do not feel proud, I feel lower than a snakes belly” T
said “it's eldest who should feel that way after all he's done to
you and put you thru and I'm surprised you're still sane, I could
never in a million years put up with one, never mind two who openly
despise you with all they say and do and write online about you”
I
sent Edel from Gheel a text at 1.37pm
“Hi
Edel, after last night’s meeting with Women’s Aid I got a
Protection Order against eldest. I was thinking about you telling me
he said he was protecting me. I feel that the focus has surrounded
his condition but no one has been on the end of his fist, his boot or
a large carving knife or subjected to verbal and emotional abuse for
far too many years now. I explained to the court re his agoraphobia
and can get it struck out nearer the date in March. I have not felt
independently supported by any of you around the abuse I suffer, I
feel he gets excused re his condition. Hope this makes sense as I am
just home and I'm on my very last nerve”
Edel
from Gheel rang me at 2.09pm. I was very upset, I had to explain to
her what the order meant and I cannot remember much of the
conversation. She did say she had updated the Disability Manager
about the text I sent her and she would ring me again later.
L
rang me in response to the text I had sent her “she said “I am
so sorry about the change in youngest and what he's been saying about
you, its good about the Protection Order as they are adults and its
time they both realised it, take time to get your life back and I'm
sorry it's been non stop stress and crisis but try and keep strong as
you have so much to give”
I
was on auto pilot as I took my dog to the local shop to pay my bills
and rent. I have so little money left to get me thru the next 6
days. My dog got out of her harness and it took me ages to get her
back to me, pure panic on trying, I was screaming in the street, I
looked and sounded like a lunatic, I think I'm going to have a full
blown nervous breakdown but that should be no surprise to anyone at
all. I carry far too much on one persons shoulders, I know and
everyone else knows it to.
I
watched my youngest walk up our path at 4pm with his head almost on
his sternum and I felt so sorry for him and I could see and feel that
he's hurting as much as I am. Why in god’s name would he write such
things about me, his mum, the only person in his life who loves him,
an apology would have sorted this out but I will never get one, he is
far too stubborn and I cannot forgive him until he admits what he has
written about me is lies and bullshit. I do not hurt anyone,
especially not my kids.
At
4.06pm Edel from Gheel rang me, she said “ the Disability Manager
will meet face to face with the General Manager early next week due
to the urgency but it still could take some time” She wanted to
“know more about the Protection Order” she asked “can you
withdraw it at any time” then gave me an outreach number for Gheel,
she said “you can ring it at any time, it's staffed 24 hours a day”
I didn't know such a service existed. Why am I only getting this
number now, I suppose to cover their own arses.
She
asked me again about “getting away for a couple of days” it was
apparently urgent but she never got back to me about it, she just
keeps saying it. I said “no thank you, I'm sick of hearing this
offer and nothing being done and my boys would never look after my
animals, they have proved that so I'm not going anywhere as nothing
concrete has ever materialised but I'm sure it will look good on
paper that you've offered it many times over the past three weeks
now” I told her “I'm not giving my eldest the Protection Order
until it has been explained to him that it doesn't mean he has to
attend court himself, that it doesn't mean he will be taken away by
the Garda because I'm terrified for my own safety that this could tip
him over the edge or kill himself or me but he has to be told that
this means I am safe in my own home and cannot be abused any longer
and after I heard the bullshit story about why he had two knives in
his room I need the order for my own protection” She suggested
“leave the house for a couple of days when the letter arrives from
court” I said “where to, I have no where to go, and it's my
house and I will not leave it, the order is a Protection Order so why
in gods name would you even be telling me to leave for a couple of
days when the Protection Order comes to my house for him” She said
“just leave the house if you feel at all threatened by him” I
said “I feel threatened by him at all times because he always
threatens me and if he does so from here on in then he's out on his
ear and I will not be leaving my house, he will”
Text
from my friend, “making sure you're okay, it's a good idea of yours
that it's all explained to him first” I went to bed at 9pm
22nd
January
I
have stayed in my bedroom mostly since Friday, just early to bed,
early to rise, cleaned the house and made their dinner, took my dog
to the park and kept myself away from them. I have seen no one and
I've spoken to no one.
I
decided I would send Edel from Gheel an email re the Protection Order
so as to save eldest heightened anxiety and to stop her from ringing
me and asking me any more questions about it but if she's not at my
house when it comes from the court on Monday then I'm just going to
hand it to him myself, I'm not prepared to tip toe around him any
more. I do not get thanks for it anyway, you just get used, abused
and lied about.
Email
to Edel from Gheel “Dear Edel, Someone will have to
explain to eldest ASAP about the Protection Order and the
consequences of breaking it. It covers all forms of abuse including
not putting me in fear. Although it says eldest has to attend court
in March, as I explained to you on the phone, I have informed the
court of his agoraphobia and it would be impossible for him to attend
and I would most likely not have use the court date for the Safety
Order as the HSE are looking for funding to re house him with
supports in place. It also states that if eldest breaks the order
that he could be arrested, fined or jailed, again this will not
happen if he does nothing to break the order as in having knives in
his bedroom for two or three days. The Protection Order is for MY
protection, I have had enough verbal, mental, emotional and physical
abuse to last me a life time, I am not taking any more. As I also
explained to you by phone, I can put a halt to the then awaited
Safety Order, as told by the Judge, in writing or by attending the
Court date in March and asking for a strike out, which I will do as
long as eldest has not put me in fear regards verbal, mental,
emotional or physical abuse including the hiding of knives. I am not
prepared to ever be on the end of him waving a knife at me again like
he did before. So can someone please come to my house ASAP so he can
be given the Order and have it all explained to him so he does not
explode by reading it and thinking he going to be hauled away by the
Garda or put into jail or has to attend court”
23rd
January
I
took my dog out at 7.45am. I went to the local shop to get some
shopping then came home. I left €5 on the fireplace for youngest
for school.
T
sent me a couple of texts. I wanted to get into my room but needed
to wait and see if the post man brought the Protection Order today.
Eldest came down to the toilet and he was in it for ages and when I
saw the postman come down the street, my heart was pounding in my
chest with panic that eldest would come out of the toilet and get the
letter before I did. I stood behind the front door with my hands out
so I could grab anything that came thru so my eldest would not see
it, fuck me, this is real fear so how the fuck is a bit of paper
going to protect me when I'm as scared as this about him even knowing
about it before it's all been explained to him. The letter came thru
and I put it straight into my handbag and went up to my room, shaking
so badly. I wish I could just disappear like a puff of smoke away
from here, or wake up and be living a different life. I so wish this
was not my life.
Edel
from Gheel rang at 11.40am, she asked “how were things over the
weekend” I told her “I kept mostly to my bedroom and only came
out of it to do the housework, take my dog out and do the boys
dinner” she said “that is good, it will avoid conflict” I was
astounded at her saying that” I said “you are aware that I am
the adult, the head of the house, the parent here or are you mistaken
me for someone else” she changed it to “I think it's good that
you are protecting yourself from any potential conflict” I said
“you have no idea at the living hell this is and I have to live
like this at my age in my house” she said “I understand how
difficult it must be” I said “how could you, you do not live
like this” she said “but I can empathise” She told me “Mary
McNutt is taking youngest to housing in DCC to hand forms in” It
now seems like they have forgotten all about eldest and this Mary
asking to meet with him in the house, she has not been near him at
all. I get told by Edel that “the only difficulty re youngest is
that he has no photo ID, he will need a passport or driving licence
and both boys have neither” I told Edel the times I have “given
youngest the information that he can get ID for €2.50 at the bus
station but that wasn't good enough for him” I repeated like I
have said a million times before that “eldest will not have his
photograph taken by me or anyone else” she said “I will need to
see if there is a way around this” I told her “good luck with
that” She said “I will try and come out today or tomorrow to
tell eldest about the Protection Order, yes I got your email and I
think youngest should be there for eldests sake, to support him thru
this” For fuck sake, you would think by listening to Edel that my
eldest was the victim in all this, it is beyond all reasoning to me.
She said “I have spoken to Mary and we now feel you need the
support of counselling regards what you're going thru and about to go
thru” she asked “can I contact some agencies for you” I
reminded her “you have been saying the same thing for god knows how
long but again yes and I'm surprised you are all now giving me any
thought at all or is this being said just because I said it on the
email so there is now a record of it that I haven't been given any
support surrounding abuse from my two sons because all you focus on
is Aspergers yet you know because I was told by Andy McDonnell that
“these guys are the hardest to live with on the planet” it
appeared not to matter at all when this old girl here is living with
them”
I
doubt very much that I will get any kind of support at all. They are
all talk and no action.
Text
from Edel from Gheel at 1.50pm “I will be at the house to tell
eldest at 6pm, I will meet you outside the house so you can give me
the protection order”
My
nerves started to go again in overdrive. I took a Xanax and took my
dog out again.
My
friend gave me a number that she thought would be of some support to
me. I rang the number and spoke to a woman called Geraldine. She
told me “it's all fine and dandy the Autism Agency pulling out all
stops for eldest and concern over him but totally neglecting you, the
mother” she asked “can you not get someone from Women’s Aid
into the house to represent and support you” I said “no because
Edel is coming to the house at 6pm and Women's Aid only work till
5pm” she asked “would you consider getting a Community Garda in
to sit with you” I said “my eldest would flip at that and think
he was going to be taken away” she said “the only other thing I
can think of is a social worker” I said “one of them should
already have been in the house to see my eldest but to date hasn't
even bothered and I don't like these people much anyway after my
experiences in another County with them” She said “I will call
you back on Wednesday or Thursday to see how you are”
I
feel drained. I'm not cooking tonight. I bought two packs of Tikka
chicken so my eldest can do his own lunch.
The
education application form came for youngest I slid it under his
bedroom door, he came down and asked me what it was, I told him. He
then said “I need €40 for an exam book and €5 for stationary”
I told him “I don't have it and you've had over €90 from me last
week and I've €20 to last me for the next 2 days” He said “I
need lead for my pencil” I reminded him “I gave you the money for
that last week” he said “it was a cheap version because I
couldn't go to town and it keeps breaking” I said “I will see
what I can do” I am hated, I am lied about and I am despised but
it's still me who's depended on to fork out whatever he wants and
needs. I am a fool.
24th
January
Awake
at 4am. I look ill. I'm as white as a sheet. I have blotchy skin. I
have eczema on my left hand. My face seems to have dropped more
overnight, my eyes looks black underneath. I look so ill and haggard.
I
let my dog out into the back garden, I drank my tea and looked at the
stars in the sky, praying to anyone to help me, give me hope,
guidance, wisdom, any fucking thing at all.
My
life has changed due to the closest person to me turning on me and
lying so viciously about me but as of today it will again change and
in what direction I do not know. I was actually thinking of sending
Edel from Gheel an email saying I've changed my mind re her telling
eldest about the Protection Order because I'm petrified at how he'll
react and also petrified for him too, what a huge fucking mess. The
only reason I'm in this country is down to him as he had dad all to
himself and look where that got him despite knowing what his dad was
like and was towards me and youngest yet he still chose to stay with
him and now we're all in this mess because of eldest and eldest
alone. I'd escaped a fucked up abusive marriage only to now be
trapped in something so much worse. If my sons cannot love the first
woman ever in their life who did nothing but love, adore and put them
first then they have no hope of any decent normal relationship with
any woman the rest of their lives. The real them will always be
exposed eventually so god help those poor women they will eventually
use and abuse and hurt and lie about and blame for everything.
I
found out online I can just download and print off past exam papers
for youngest and it will save me a fortune (€40) I knocked on
youngests door and told him, he said “I’m not taking fucking
print out’s to school, I want the book” I said it will save me
€40, he just ignored me. I do hate him at times.
9am
bus to GP for me to collect youngests prescription, he cannot seem to
do fuck all for himself.
Took
my dog out for a long walk. Lady from Cross care sent me text, she
will ring me after 12.30pm
Edel
from Gheel rang me at 11.46am, she asked “how are things since” I
said “youngest is now talking to me but only to ask for money, I
had to give him €50 this morning but no please or thank you out of
him” She said “I will meet you at the bottom of your street at
5.45pm so you can give me the court order, youngest told me he'll be
in school until 5pm” I said “that's absolute nonsense, youngest
would never stay behind so he must be going to town to buy the €40
exam book” She said “I will give you feedback after my meeting
with the boys by text” because she knew I would be in my bedroom.
She said “I am meeting Geraldine Murphy tomorrow, a face to face
meeting with the General Manager has been held, they are going over
costings and the hours” She said “eldest will no doubt do a lot
of research on Protection Orders after he's been told about it” I
said “all he needs to know is he can no longer abuse me in any way
shape or form” She said “I will introduce a male member of our
team to the boys on Friday and I will catch up with you on Wednesday
after my meeting with Geraldine Murphy”
My
knees were knocking together with nerves, that had not happened to me
in a long time. I'm making my eldest a big lunch because I know he
won’t be fit to eat anything later after he gets the news about the
protection order.
I
took my dog out for another hour long walk. The lady from Cross care
rang me. Home at 1.40pm, eldest had eaten the lunch I made for him.
I
was in my bedroom writing when the Garda Sarg rang me at 3pm and
asked “how did you get on at court” I told him. He asked “does
eldest need to be put out of the house tonight” I said “no and
the judge knows all about his agoraphobia and struck that part of the
order out” I said “I give up now after 6 long years and the HSE
are going to house both boys with supports in place” he said “you
can only do what you can do and you've done more than many others
could have” and he wished me “luck for an easier and happier
future”
ESB
rang to tell me I owe them €64. I said “is that all you've rang
me for, I pay you weekly and you have the cheek to ring me” a woman
said “yes I can see you pay weekly but another bill is due to be
sent out and we won't give you 14 days to pay if the last bill's not
paid” I said “I couldn't care less” and hung up.
Youngest
was back at 4.36pm. I told him “Edel from Gheel is coming to the
house and she was told you would still be at school till 5pm” he
said “I didn't know how long it would take me, I got the Exam book
near school” I asked for my change back and he handed me €30
back and said “I have a college open day to attend and I need €15”
I asked him for the receipts for what he bought with my money. The
exam book was €7.95 and the stationary was €1.50. I asked him
“where is the other €10 and what was it spent on” no reply. He
must think I'm a mug.
Later
on I was in kitchen and youngest had a support bandage on his arm, I
asked him three times “what have you done to your arm” complete
silence from him, I said “no answer then” He walked out looking
at me and said “I’m not saying” But he can hound me daily for
money I cannot afford tho. The first thought in my head was it might
be school bullying again, the next thought in my head was he could
falsely accuse me again of Domestic Violence.
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text, “on my way but the traffic is awful”
I replied “youngest is home early”
Youngest
walked back into the living room. He only had a tee shirt on and had
the support bandage still on his arm, Again I asked him “what's
wrong with your arm, why are you wearing a bandage” he was silent.
I said “no answer for your mother then” he walked out and said
“I'm not saying” I ended up shouting “you can say when you want
money off me tho”
Eldest
came down in his boxer shorts only. I hoped to god he'd remembered
Edel from Gheel was coming. I hoped to god she had reminded him.
I
left the house to meet Edel and when she arrived I sat in her car for
few minutes. I told her “I feel sick and my ears are burning hot”
she said “it’s stress” she gave me back my sons birth
certificates. I told her “my youngest has a support bandage on his
arm and I'm worried about him but he wouldn't reply when I asked him
three times what was wrong with him. I'm worried it's the school
bullies or that I get the blame because he claimed he's getting
domestic violence at home from me” Edel said “I don't know
nothing about it, all I know is he was going to the doctor on
Thursday, he was worried that his medical card had ran out” I said
“I've already been to doctor and collected his Lexapro this morning
and he has another two more prescriptions left in the chemist from
the doctor” she said “I will let him know” then proceeded to
start opening up the letter for my eldest from the court. I said “you
can't do that, it’s illegal to open someone else’s mail, it's not
your name on that letter, it's my son's” she said “okay” and
stopped. I left her car and returned home and got into my bedroom and
she knocked at the front door after 5 minutes. I sat on my bed,
thoughts were racing in my head which I scribbled down:
It's
very quiet down there which I'm surprised about but also not
surprised because eldest would never explode in front of anyone else,
all he does and says is kept for me which totally proves he CAN
control himself and his temper. I'm going to sleep fully clothed
tonight in case I need to run later, my knees are still knocking with
fear, worry, the unknown of what will happen, the guilt of him
getting this protection order. It's crazy, I needed this protection
order to protect me from my own son yet I'm still making sure my
eldest gets the news about it with supports in place for him and
making sure that it's emphasised that he doesn't have to attend court
when the date comes round, yet here I am, the one getting all the
abuse sitting shaking in my bedroom, in my house, locked in my room
and no fucker is supporting me, no one is holding my hand, no one is
tip toeing around me. I am crapping myself, this is such a fucked up
scenario. Any sane, normal person would have just given it to him
straight, given him the fright of his life, and that would have just
been a fraction of the fear he's put me thru the past 6 years but
good old Anne, stupid twat mammy still wants to make sure that eldest
is okay when I'm clearly not okay. I wish Edel would just go away
now. I'm desperate for the toilet. He must know by now about the
protection order but I'm still locked in my room. I do not feel
protected, he's taking it very quietly tho. I'm terrified of what
might happen later. I know he'll probably just go straight to bed and
lie down and mull it all over in his mind but when it kicks in, god
only knows what could happen and I know my youngests reaction would
be how could you do this to your own son and I know my reply would
be, if I was listened to, how could both of you abuse your own mother
so dreadfully.
Edel-
“I have an update about what has happened the past few days. I have
a letter for you, your mam got a protection order against you, just
to let you know it’s really for her own protection”
Eldest
- “As long as she stays away from me”
(An
immediate threat that was not dealt with immediately by Edel and I
would not have known because Edel did not tell me)
Edel-
“There is to be no verbal or physical abuse, Anne has made sure
you do not need to attend the court”
Eldest-
“She is the reason” (he
blames me for his abuse of me)
Edel-
“I have been asked to inform you, court won’t happen”
Eldest-
“It’s disgusting, fucking disgusting, vile woman”
Edel-
“It is not a requirement for you to attend court, she can get it
struck out”
Youngest-
“Are there any long term ramifications”
Edel-
“No, nothing will come out of it and they know we are pushing
for accommodation”
Youngest-
“Any update about that?
Edel-
“I am speaking to Geraldine Murphy tomorrow re the costings,
she has spoken to the General Manager about renting a house for the
both of you. In some ways because this protection order is there I
think that the HSE has to act quite quickly, it’s showing something
needs to happen. Do you have any questions about that eldest; it’s
obviously a lot to take in”
Eldest-
“No, just what are the conditions, I'm very pissed off at her”
(he
means angry and Edel didn't warn me at all about him saying this
either)
Youngest-
“It’s not really anything; it’s just a piece of paper”
(Edel
should have told him straight away that its not just a piece of paper
but a court document that has serious consequences)
Eldest-
“I am fucking angry”
Edel-
“You don't have to go and represent yourself, things are
progressing with the accommodation side and this will be left, Anne
emailed me saying you will not have to go to court”
Eldest-
“Does that strike out not staying here for me. I don’t really
care”
Edel-
“Reason I have got to say to you is because there has been a
lot of emotion involved, it’s a lot to take in, but as you say if
things are going the same way, people giving each other space, no
conflict”
Youngest-
“None whatsoever, I am at school all day”
They
talked about housing forms, meeting with the social worker, college
application, need of photo ID, getting a passport, possible
medication so eldest can get his photo taken.
Edel-
“In terms of here, are people just doing their own thing?
Eldest-
“Mmmm, yeah”
Edel-
“How is school going?
Youngest-
“Terrible, it’s a terrible place, it’s the people who are
the problem, it’s terrible, the teachers are fine, it’s the
students. I do not get on with anyone really, they are all
socio-paths, liars, judgemental and critical”
Eldest-
“If you are going to
be melodramatic then you’ll get yourself into a lot of trouble”
Edel-
“That is advice from your older brother there, that is good advice,
you have only got a few months left. I did contact your mum today,
she said she is concerned about your arm”
Youngest-
“It’s just a sprain, the muscles go into spasms in the middle
of the night and gives me severe pain. I need to see a physio and
also a dentist and optician”
Edel-
“Just to let you know I am in contact with Anne in relation to
things and to communicate certain things, are you okay with me
communicating with the whole family”
Eldest-
“Yeah, that’s okay, that’s fine”
Youngest-
“Yeah”
Edel-
“I am talking to team on Friday and hoping to introduce you to
someone else, maybe 4.30pm but I’ll confirm it. Is that okay with
you eldest?
Eldest-
“OK”
Edel-
“Do you want to think about it?
Eldest-
“No I'm fine with it, I would rather have some Xanax but I’m not
going to get it”
Edel-
“Is it as bad as you would think without it?
Eldest-
“I’d prefer to have one or two to stop me feeling nervous, like
an hour beforehand”
They
talked about bank accounts, eldest said he has about €3,000 in his,
Edel tells him they can get him an agent and put in a date to change
to him getting his own money, that it would only take a week to do
so, she has the form, tells him he just signs consent to change to
another agent but no point in changing till they have a date for
accommodation, she will hopefully know more tomorrow, it's likely to
be a house. Youngest talks about Disability Allowance, Edel asked who
generally looks after the dog (why?)
they reply mum and say the dog is mental.
(what has my dog got to do with her)
Edel-
“It’s a lot to take in eldest; do you want to talk about it,
would you generally talk to youngest?
Eldest-
“No, I don’t like talking”
Edel-
“Do you have people, on-line?
Eldest-
“I did but they went off to Uni so I stopped talking to them”
Edel-
“You said about not having Xanax, how do you feel now?
Eldest-
“Fine, fine, I usually go straight to bed or listen to music”
Edel-
“It takes a lot out of you, probably all the adrenalin”
Eldest-
“It would be a lot easier if I did have it”
Edel-
“Is there anything else that I can do?
Eldest-
“No”
Youngest
- want to see about getting diagnosed with other things
Edel-
“You can talk to Michael Mc Creadie about this, try looking at
the whole and not the separate, the past few weeks have been
stressful”
Youngest-
“It’s not really to do with circumstances. I’ve known since
2009, life was not stressful then, just boring”
Edel-
“Do you keep a diary of triggers?
Youngest-
“No it is just cycles each day, no real trigger”
Edel-
“Is it obvious to other people?
Youngest-
“I do not interact with other people”
Edel-
“How do you cope with it?
Youngest-
“Music”
Eldest-
“That explains the Emo crap”
Edel-
“Acceptance of it, challenge it?
Youngest-
“Not acceptance, it’s acknowledgement, euphoria is a positive but
also a negative, as in agitation, you cannot focus on anything. I did
dyslexia test in school, I have cluttering and racing thoughts, poor
grammar, a central auditory processing disorder”
Eldest-
“You really should not be diagnosing yourself”
Youngest-
“Why not?
Edel-
“I suppose, what would the achievement of it be?
Youngest-
“Proving I have it and doing something about it, going to a doctor
and getting medication for it. Depression is a serious mental health
disorder and Aspergers is not but that does not mean that I am immune
from a mental health disorder”
Edel-
“That is what people with Aspergers would associate with,
overwhelming feelings, lack of emotion”
Youngest-
“Ups and downs are a part of life, I am aware of that” Talks
about meds, lithium, Lexapro.
Edel-
“You want a higher dose?
Youngest-
“Yes, I’ve noticed I am not only anxious in social
situations, I am awkward, I am ok with being awkward as long as I am
not nervous. And apart from the depression, I am morbid”
Edel-
“You are going to talk to your GP?
Youngest-
“Not yet as I am focussing on my goals and I do not know how to
make appointments for the dentist, optician, will need travelling
fee’s and stuff”
Edel-
“It’s not really urgent, I can make an appointment for
Michael to come out, what is your email addy?
Edel-
“Any more questions? eldest, have you had time to process
things?
Eldest-
“Yeah”
Youngest-
“I may need help with applications,I may need a character reference
saying how capable I am”
Edel-
“Speak to a teacher about that and anything we can do to help,
Deirdre can help too. Talk to you again soon eldest, bye”
Edel
left. The boys were whispering, eldest came up the stairs sighing
heavily. I could hear fast typing then more sighing from him. I put
a strip of Xanax on the bannister for him, even tho I know how hated
I am I still go into mammy mode to help him. I took my dog out and T
rang me.
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text 7.04pm “Hi Anne, I have just left now,
eldest appears okay, I gave him the letter straight away and
explained about the meaning of the order and explained about him not
having to go to court, he did appear initially surprised but seems
okay now, youngest said he sprained his arm today and that's
something that happens to him on occasion. I am hoping to introduce
the boys to Paul, one of my team on Friday at 4.30pm. I said I would
confirm it with youngest during the week as I wanted to check if that
was okay with you to call to house on Friday at that time. I will
give you a ring tomorrow to see how things are”
I
was stunned and furious, my key support and she was in my house about
a protection order and failed to tell me the following: “As long
as she stays away from me” “She is the reason” “vile woman”
“I am fucking angry” “I am very pissed off at her” She said
nothing at all when my youngest claimed “It’s not really
anything, it’s just a piece of paper” And my youngest never had a
sprained arm in his life so that too is bullshit.
I
stayed in my room after walking my dog and talking to T.
There
is actually not one professional I can trust, does Edel actually know
or care how hard it was for me to get this protection order, how
embarrassed I felt, how nervous I was, how sick I felt having to get
it to PROTECT myself from my own son, off course she does because she
sees me, talks to me, she can see the bloody state of me with nerves
and I would never have known anything. This is my life they are
playing fast and loose with so I will do what I have to do as all I
have is myself and I will be able to prove and provide the TRUTH at
all times.
25th
January
The
lady at Cross care sent me a text “I'm at the end of
phone if you need me” I replied thanking her.
Eldest
did not touch the Xanax I left on the bannister last night, I took
them down to kitchen and they soon disappeared then.
I
am so tired and so drained. I cannot trust anyone, my kids are liars
and abusers and will say and do anything in self-protection mode. All
professionals regarding my kids are inept, useless, bull shitters who
can clock in, clock out, get paid, go home, they do not really care
at all.
I
felt huge relief when I heard my eldest up and moving about in his
room, he would normally have threatened suicide by now, reel me out
and reel me in again using emotional blackmail, just like youngest,
just like daddy, three peas in a pod and my total fucking misfortune
to have had to live with this all these years. Eldest like youngest
and like Daddy are pure manipulators. I should never have come back
to Ireland for him, he made his choice, he showed absolute no loyalty
to me, the only one who ever loved and cared for him and he jumped
ship like a drowning rat, controlling and cruel to both me and
youngest, not a loyal bone in his body, I knew it, youngest knew it
so why was I stupid enough to come back for him, all the years he
banged on about whose fucking decision was it to move to Ireland when
he's the reason we're all in Ireland now because he wouldn't move to
the UK in 2005 and again refused in 2006 when I was 2 weeks away from
my final exams. Our lives could have been so very different. I am a
fool.
When
I told the lady at Cross care about life in the cottage with eldest
and his father towards me and youngest she couldn't believe it.
Edel
from Gheel rang me at 2pm. There was no morning call to find out if
I, the bloody victim, the mother, the carer was okay after eldest was
told about the Protection Order.
I
was so full of anger. I told her “Gheel should have done something
in 2009, done anything to help, they had a full report and diagnosis
and immediate recommendations, they'd been forewarned that my eldest
could carry out threats and behaviours, why have Gheel done nothing”
Edel said “I wasn't here then” completely missing the bloody
point. I said “every other bugger was there though so why was
nothing done, my son was still legally a child then, aged only 17
years, all my phoning and texting and begging for help and getting
ignored, now it's too late and my life is wrecked” Edel said “I
thought eldest took the news about the protection order well” she's
a fucking liar and doesn't know I've heard exactly what he said about
me and she made not one mention to me about what he really said to
her. The seriousness of this court order appears to have gone right
over her head, the fact that my eldest appears to have taken on a
victim role, laying the blame squarely on me “she is the reason”
and declared he was “so fucking angry” put me at risk. I told
her “eldest not exploding as yet simply means he's in control
because it's me and only me and maybe now and again my youngest that
gets his temper, his violence, his threats, his abuse” Edel said
something about “delayed processing” I just thought, my arse in
parsley. I said “you all talk about treating the person
holistically but all you focus on is the condition and not the
person, you don't live with him, you don't know him, you have not
been on the end of his rages, his fist, his boot, a huge fucking
carving knife. All along I've been fighting a losing battle because
you do not care about us at all and its been proven since 2009, you
are simply a business and like all businesses are out to make money
and that's the stark fact that's been shown to me since 2009 in
Dublin thru Gheel and since 2006 in another County” She said
“there's no funding so me and the CEO Peter Byrne are meeting
Geraldine Murphy, the disability manager this afternoon to explain
the urgency” I believe they are probably asking the HSE for far
too much money. I said “inform me the minute you know anything”
because I knew she goes to college on a Friday and I didn't want
another weekend sitting knowing nothing. She said “I will get Paul
to meet the boys on Friday at 4.30pm” I asked “is that going be a
regular thing” she said “no” I asked her “what's the point
then” she said “so he can be brought on-board in the future and
it's all down to funding” She is my key support worker and she did
not tell me the truth and I do not trust her at all because she did
not tell me one word my eldest had said to her about me, which could
have put me in huge danger. She's the one who said she would step
back because it could be crossing boundaries yet the goal posts
appear to have been moved again by them.
I
went shopping, I banked his money, I made dinner, I sent the boys a
text telling them dinner was in kitchen, I was ignored, they then got
it when it was stone cold, it's all games now with them, they forget
I was always in this same position with their father, I know how it
goes, it still annoys the hell out of me tho.
Edel
sent me a text at 4.10pm. “Geraldine Murphy has to go back to the
General Manager in relation to the funding again, I will let you know
by Friday” I replied “I will only be happy to await funding and
would be able to tick along only if I have proper supports in place
because I cannot continue alone and isolated as I've had too, I'm
always led to believe I have support but when push comes to shove it
does not materialise and I'm sick of it and what do you all think I
am. But if one of my sons puts a foot wrong or says the wrong thing
as in verbal abuse to me one more time then they will be out of my
house the minute they say anything and I mean it” She replied “I
understand but I will not tell the HSE about you ticking along if you
have supports because that could affect the funding” So I am right
and I have been right all along, my sons are just cash cows to Gheel
Autism Services. THE BASTARDS
26th
January
I
didn't leave school money out for my youngest because I knew he still
had the change from the €15 I gave to him yesterday, after he told
me the exam book would cost €40 and it only cost under €8 and I
only found that out that because I asked for a receipt. He came into
the living room but just ignored me sitting on the couch and he
continued preening himself in the mirror. I'm now invisible to him
yet I'm expected to provide everything.
I
keep getting dizzy spells and my back is in bits with muscle spasms.
I went to bed early.
Woke
up at 4am searching for painkillers for my back. I went back to
sleep and missed the bin collection. Youngest had gone to school and
walked past our whole street with all the neighbours bins out and he
knew I wouldn't be able to manage ours.
My
friend rang me, we had a long chat. I would be so lost and totally
deranged without her. She said “it's an awful burden on you to live
this way” I told her “I'm living in my own house in solitary
confinement and my youngest should know how that feels because he did
enough moaning and crying about the school pupils all sending him to
Coventry and the mental warfare he felt he endured. I've done nothing
wrong yet I'm treated like a criminal and like shit, when all I've
done is make a stand about no more allowing of abuse of any kind and
no more lies. I've carried all this crap alone on my back for 6 plus
years. I am social, friendly, chatty, I love people, I once loved
life, my nickname was Smiler for Christ’s sake and I'm forced to
live like this, with no say at all. What their father didn't achieve
they're more than happy to finish his job and tip me over the edge”
Friend said “the only way all this will change is if you change
it” I said “I have tried everything, approached everyone and got
nothing but lies, promises and grief and I'm now left with this huge
fucking mess. I am now the devil incarnate” Friend said “no you
are not, you have done all you could for as long as I have known you,
you could not have done any more”
12.26pm
text from Edel from Gheel “ Hi Anne, how’s things since, just to
confirm that Paul and myself will be calling to house as planned
today at 4.30pm. Does that still suit you?”
I
was actually wishing they would have the sense to take both out of
these men out of my house for a couple of hours to give me couple of
hours totally on my own.
My
reply was, “Yes, it suits okay. One question I have, is Paul
linking in with the boys so you are my support as we talked about on
17th re trust and communication or are you going to be now
supporting me and the boys. Thanks”
Edel
from Gheel replied at 12.49pm “ I will still be having an input
supporting the boys but not in day to day practical support, the plan
is they build up relationship with at least two of the outreach team
who will support them around activities of daily living when
transition to accommodation comes thru which is the start of that
process today with introduction to Paul. I will remain your key
support and communication person. Hope this clarifies things. I can
give you a ring after the meeting today”
ENOUGH
IS ENOUGH.
I
sent another text to Edel from Gheel “I assumed when you talked
about crossing of boundaries and said the boys should have their own
link this was what today was all about. I cannot have you as my
support any more. Thank you for all to date. Just text to inform me
of house visits please”
So
now I'm done with her and her changing goal post stories, all this
today is what they wanted all along, get me out of the house and get
their key workers in and if it doesn't suit the boys, tough, if it
doesn't suit me, tough, because I do not figure anywhere in any of
THEIR plans, they will just carry on with the status quo and no
fucking alternative accommodation will ever be sourced nor found at
all.
When
I had prior conversations around this subject with Edel from Gheel, I
told her that given the lies and the abuse from the boys that I
needed to have complete trust in a person supposed to support me, it
needed to be just that, someone I could trust and have support from,
all this feels akin to me as the ex having the same solicitor as me.
It's a conflict of interest, she actually told me she would link the
boys in with male team member then step back and be my sole key
support and those were her exact words. I am disgusted. I switched
my phone off, took my dog out, made a big lunch and left eldest out
Xanax for the visit by those twats. Youngest arrived home at 4.05pm.
I later went to my room and locked my door.
At
4.30pm Edel from Gheel and Paul Burbage arrived. Eldest was as high
as a kite on Xanax. I heard laughter and chatting, it sounded like a
normal household, so normal, yet all I get from them both is fucking
abnormal all these years. Eldest told youngest the Xanax hadn't
kicked in yet. Youngest told him he could leave if he liked, eldest
said no, I'll stay.
Paul
Burbage was introduced to them both, he had a very loud voice, he
talked about the cats and the dog. Edel asked the boy “how's your
mam, is she here” They both said “yes, she's upstairs” Edel
asked “has there been any change” she was told “no change, no
communication” eldest said “she dropped a huge pack of Xanax at
my door this morning, it was strip of 10 x .25” he knows he's not
supposed to take them all at the one time. He said “I took one
last night and the rest haven't kicked in yet” Edel said “ just
take your time” She told them “I met with Geraldine today but
still waiting on the okay to get you funding for a house but I think
it's hopeful and we'll look for somewhere close to youngests school
and I'll start researching places and start the ball rolling”
youngest said “local will be good because I need to be near a dart
line so I can get to town and school” Paul talked about shops and
shopping, my sons said “we never had to do shopping before” my
youngest is lying because he shops all the time so that's bullshit.
Paul said “we are here as support for you and to help with social
situations, we cover everything you need” Edel said “we have to
move forward with this, it's not sustainable like this” she told
youngest “Mary McNutt will meet you on Wednesday and will contact
you herself and will go to see the housing officer with you, we still
need to check out ID for eldest” the boys told her “we were on
mum’s passport before the rules changed but it's now expired”
they were told “you need your own ID now and the housing
applications can still go in because at least you will be on list
then and any ID can be sent in later” They talked about poets.
Eldest said “I'm a fucking published poet” and ran up the stairs
to find the book his poem was in. Edel asked youngest “how did you
get on at the doctor” he told her “I didn't go because I'm now
taking 2 Lexapro a day and I feel euphoric at the moment” Edel
asked “do you have any more questions” they both said “no”
She asked eldest “is it okay to communicate with youngest about
meetings and that and can I have your email address too, can you give
to me, you have Gheels outreach phone number now too and there will
always be someone on that number” Eldest gave her his email
address. Edel said “we need to get going now, make sure you check
out national ID forms online because we can then take them to the
Garda to get signed” Eldest said “I can go outside if I have
enough Xanax in me” Edel said “see how you go, Paul can take you”
and they then left my house.
I
feel I'm just cannon fodder.
A
sticky note was on my bedroom door “need money for tomorrow”
youngest has had €50 out of me this week, he does nothing for me,
he does nothing in the house, I get no money to keep him and he just
expects me to continually provide for him alone without any decency
in him to even speak to me, he only communicates with sticky notes
when he wants something from me.
I
switched my phone on at 7pm and received a text from Edel from Gheel
“That can be the case as we discussed but when I offered that
previously about me stepping back completely from communicating with
the boys you said you were fine with me linking in with them and you.
I think we need to discuss this today to clarify, forgive me if I
came to the wrong conclusion”
That
rely is complete crock of shit from her. I asked her to give my
eldest the news about the protection order and said I was fine about
her introducing the boys to Paul in my house. I said nothing else.
Another
text from Edel from Gheel “Just to let you know we have left now.
I will give you a ring when I get back to the day centre”
Voice
mail from Edel from Gheel “Will call you Monday”
27th
January
Eldest
had another morning bath so no hot water yet again. His meeting isn't
till 4.30pm. He should be apologising to me for all he's done and not
be acting like a victim like his father always did and like youngest
does. They make me sick.
28th
January
Another
sticky note on my bedroom door when I got up at 6am from youngest
“May I please have money for town tomorrow”
I
am so sick of early to bed and early to rise and no fun, no company,
no life. Sick of it.
Finished
writing out Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Cannings words at the refuge
case conference. Youngest then came downstairs. I got out my phone
and I pressed record, I will never have another conversation with my
sons unless I have proof of what I say, I have been accused of abuse,
both verbal and physical and I will protect myself and my reputation
from here on in as far as they both go, I never open my mouth unless
it's the truth and now I will always be able to prove it. What have I
been reduced to, these are my children and I now have to do this with
them. I am taking no more chances of anyone ever again accusing me of
what I've not done. Liars are dangerous, viperous people.
Youngest
asked me for money for town. I said “you expect me to be funding
your trips out when you do nothing to earn it” he said “because
I have no income” I asked him “do you expect me to fund your
trip” he said “off course because I have no income” I said
“what are you going to do to earn money you expect from me, I gave
you €50 this week” he said “I don't know” I said “I want
to think about it” I'm not being cruel, I just cannot keep giving
him money I cannot afford and skipping my bills to keep him happy. I
ended up putting €20 plus bus fare on the fireplace, it was gone
and so was he when I got out of bath. No thank you, nothing.
I
was furious at myself. I should have said no and stuck to it, what
would the difference have been, I get treated like shit anyway, it
would just have given him more fuel to add to his spiteful lying
online spewing's of rage and hardship and his poor woe is him
ramblings. I wrote to him weeks ago that he could stand on his own
two feet with no more using or abusing me. I find it strange that
he's so lazy when it comes to anything in the house, too depressed he
claims to do anything but when it comes to meeting up with women in
town then he is like a rocket out of the door, there is no sign of
his self-diagnosed depression then.
I
have said time and time again to all agencies that there is something
wrong with these two sons of mine that is more than Aspergers. They
can put on the nice guy act for all except T, that's why they do not
like her, she sees straight thru them because she's known them since
they were children and seen first-hand how they are, how they talk to
me, how they treat me and she verbally rips into them.
I
rang Women’s Aid, I so desperately needed someone to talk to that's
not involved. I hate questioning my own sanity. the lady said “it
sounds like you're living in a war zone, you must be constantly on
high alert, I don't know how anyone can live like that, Gheel are a
disgrace and you should go public with it and make them answer to all
about what they haven't done and that will shift them” She asked
“why don't Gheels staff just take your boys home with them and see
what it's like to live with them, they are all just book taught and
they haven't got a clue about the life you live. If it was me I would
have done a disappearing act a long time ago. If you've got no thanks
or gratitude so far you never will get any so what's keeping you
there. Do you have any place to go, do you have any money, any
family, any friends” I said “no” because it's true. She again
said “Gheel are a disgrace, that agency putting your grown men, not
children, grown men and their needs before yours in your own home, it
just shows you they don't care if you crack under the pressure, those
men are money to them, they're just a business before anything else,
do not allow yourself to break under that pressure, you will soon be
free of all this and live your life how you like, how the hell have
you coped this long” She said “you can put them out via the Garda
and you do not need any reason at all, just tell the Garda you want
them out of your house and they have to do so” She said “see how
much this agency cares about your sons then” She said “it's
funny that your sons are so well behaved when it suits them in front
of strangers and all done under your roof too, I would be telling
them to hold their meetings elsewhere, you do not have to put up with
always accommodating others, its your house, your rules, for god’s
sake, whilst meetings are taking place in your house you are locked
in your bedroom, I'm sure if they are so concerned about your eldest
son and his phobia’s they could get him medication and get him out
the house to meet elsewhere, this should have been dealt with by the
Garda and the courts in 2010 and those two men ganging up on you and
telling tall tales to protect themselves proves they are very clever
to twist and make it all your fault, I can only suggest a crisis
refuge centre that could give you a bit of respite but god knows what
you would return to, they could play the we have been abandoned card
so you would have to inform DCC of the situation, just get them
evicted before you go under, I have never heard anything like it in
all these years, it's your house and you're living under siege by
those two men who are being supported to do so by that agency whilst
the head of the family, you, have to lock yourself away. Get yourself
legal aid, get to court and get them out, you have no life and it's
time you got one”
That
woman was so refreshing and so correct and mentally gave me the shove
I needed. I would love to meet her one day. I wish I could actually
do all she advised me to do.
I
sent youngest a text at 1.18pm “Never ask me for money again
because from now on the answer will be no. You did not have the
decency to say thank you. I will not provide you with another cent
except for school”
He
replied at 1.20pm “ I was running late. Thank you. I don’t know
why you expect things to be smooth as, things are hardly dandy”
I
didn't reply. I only wanted to inform him I'm giving him no more
money to the detriment of my rent and bills and so myself. His father
gives nothing. I have hardly anything, not even a decent pair of
shoes and he's walking around in €55 converse shoes that I buy him
along with everything else I provide on day to day basis, his diet
coke that he cannot do without, his Haribo sweets that he craves. I
am a fool. The only reason things are “hardly dandy” is down to
him and his lies and his postings online about me and all I have not
done and never did and will never do.
I
walked to the local shop, got home, made eldest dinner, he knew it
was ready because he came down to toilet and saw me dish it up, he
left it and did not take it till over an hour later and it was again
stone cold, well tough, if that's how he likes to eat it, let him get
on with it. No doubt its just another mind fuck so he can then claim
that I'm not telling him his dinner is ready. I know him so well.
My
dog was going mad in the back garden, the next door neighbour was
talking to her, he asked me “how are things for you” so I told
him. I let another human know what my life is like. I told him
things are coming to an end, I have a protection order against my son
for having two knives in his room, he said “I don't want to pry”
I said “it's actually helping that I can talk to another human and
when you hear me have a nervous breakdown then you will know the
reason why” he said “if you ever need a lift or anything just
knock the door” I said “thank you” knowing I would never knock
their door but I was grateful. I come back into the living room and
burst into tears. I am so fucking, awfully, dreadfully lonely and
alone.
Youngest
returned at 6.25pm, he went straight to his bedroom, not a word to me
from him at all. I detest what he and eldest have become. I went to
bed at 8pm, I have nothing to stay awake for.
If
only I had money to call my own, money gives you freedom and choice
of which I have none. I would buy a small house overlooking the sea,
just for me and my animals, I need peace, perfect peace to heal my
now fractured mind and spirit and broken into a million pieces heart.
I need a peaceful, scenic, seclusion until I'm able to join the real
world again, a normal world. I pray I succeed because I'm drowning
here, in a cesspit of despair, abuse, control and not an ounce of
fun, joy or laughter in my life for many years now. I feel like I've
been once again institutionalised, and how funny in a perverse way
the so called experts do not even notice yet I tell them all, they
just do not care.
29th
January
Up
at 5.30am, one of them is typing, I've no idea who. Took my dog to
the park to run about in the rain, I let her off lead for 5 minutes,
she was as good as gold, I wish I could be let off my lead. This will
all be disclosed one day.
Me
and my dog got soaked to the skin. I had to post a letter to my GP
updating him with all going on here.
Was
ironing youngests school uniform and was singing along to the radio
when one of them slammed their door shut showing a clear sign of
their disapproval, well bollix to them. I carried on singing. I hung
youngests uniform on his door handle, not a word of thanks did I get
so I will not be ironing for him any more, he knows fine well how to
iron. I cannot wait for them to be re housed and for me to be left in
peace.
30th
January
Got
woke up by one of the boys going downstairs then youngests alarm woke
me up at 6.45am, he didn't get up. He was at his usual online
moaning and bitching, someone had asked him why his last relationship
broke up, youngest replied “because she was a heartless cunt” For
god sake he only met the poor girl a few times, the rest was just
texting, how the hell is he calling that a relationship, he must have
terrified the poor girl with his intensity and emotional suffocation
and off course she is the “cunt” because according to youngest
“all women are cunts and whores” anyway.
My
left knee has swollen up like a balloon with fluid, the pain is
killing me I need to get to the doctor but I'm limping at a snails
pace. Rang the doctor and spoke to
the receptionist told her I had sent a letter to the GP to explain my
current family situation and I expect the letter to be read by him
and not just filed away. She said she would make sure that he read
it.
I
know and can feel that I am going to end up completely insane, I am
doing far too much thinking and I wish I could erase memories or have
a lobotomy and get some peace of mind. I wish someone cared enough to
help me. How can anyone know what it's like to be me living with
these two men. How can the professionals keep saying they
“understand” Like hell they do, how can they possibly know just
by going to college, how can they know when they get to clock in and
clock out, they get paid, they get to go home and they live a normal
life, they get weekends off. No way would youngest scream at them
that they are “cunts, whores, bitches” no way would eldest tell
them to “fuck off and die a slow and painful death” or tell them
he's going to “kill” them or torture them into being so afraid to
check on him by always saying he is going to “kill himself” no
way would eldest punch them, knee them, threaten them with a knife,
chase them out of their home with a knife, have them walk on
eggshells so much that I shake the minute he's up and about, no way
would either of my sons lie so appallingly about others to save their
own pathetic cowardly arses, no way would my sons hurt them mentally,
emotionally, physically, verbally, financially. I know it as a fact
that all these professionals will only ever get my sons always on
their best behaviour towards them because it's not Aspergers causing
them to act out of control animals towards me. I'm no Einstein but
I'm no dummy either. They are both abusers and I'm convinced they
have other things wrong with them too. I don't know what it is but
it is not Aspergers alone.
There
is now no chink now left in my armour, no one alive will ever get the
chance to hurt me in any way at all. No amount of love or sacrifice
for my sons has been worth the loss of any life outside of them to
call my own, they are vampires, have sucked the very life out of me,
out of everything, my time, my energy, my spirit, my health, my
heart. My life was stolen from me, I did not get a voice, a choice, a
say in the matter at all and why not, just because I'm their mother,
they are a fucking disgrace, only love and duty tied me to them. It
will never tie me to anyone else. I really do believe I wasted my
life the minute I met their father, I was different then, full of
life, full of fun, joy and laughter, had friends, lots of them, had
work, had an open door for all my neighbours and their children. I
was always me, the me I liked, yes I was bit of a mug for a sob
story, always helped anyone and everyone, but I was born that way,
it's my personality, being a caring person was my downfall. I should
never have been on this path I'm on now. But here I am and now all my
best years are behind me, robbed from me. I feel old, I know I'm
alone, I have nothing, not even the love or respect or loyalty from
my own sons. I have no one, no one at all. But I would rather live
alone in solitary confinement than go thru all this continual abuse
from my very own children.
Youngest
didn't get up till 2pm, his bedroom door was locked, I can only
imagine he has something to hide. Very unusual he went straight out
the door at 2.20pm and returned at 2.45pm, it must have been an
urgent and long phone call.
Made
dinner at 4.30pm then found a sticky note on my door, youngest wrote
“need money for Hamlet play I have to go watch for exams tomorrow,
thanks” I left €10 out for him.
Voice
mail from Edel from Gheel at 4.18pm asking “how did the weekend go,
I want to talk about the boys meeting Paul on Friday and about
support for you as there seems to be confusion around that from my
perspective as to what we agreed on, I would appreciate if you could
text and I'll call you or we could meet up”
I
decided I will send her an email tonight because I'm not being taken
for a mug by her or by anyone at Gheel for one minute longer.
9.30pm
Email I sent to Edel from Gheel:
“Dear
Edel, re your voice mail today at 4.18pm. I fail to see how there
could be any confusion at all. On the 17th Jan you said that “dealing
with boys and me could be seen as crossing boundaries and you felt it
would be better to link the boys in with a male member of the team so
you could step back completely and support only me, if I was happy
with that” You went on to ask if it was “still okay to come out
as arranged at 5pm so you could help the boys fill in Housing Forms
or would I be worried about what the boys are saying about you” I
replied in anger and I quote "I do not give a shit what they say
as I know how they talk about me" I told you that “any
relationship had to be built on trust and communication and I now had
neither” You explained you had a crisis to deal with. On the 25th
Jan by text you said Paul will meet with boys at 4.30pm on Friday, I
asked if this would now be a regular thing, you replied no, will be
brought on board in the future. On the 27th Jan I asked by text is
Paul linking in with boys so you are my sole support, you replied you
will still have an input supporting boys. I believe that this is a
conflict of interests. I have said continually by email, text and
word that I do not feel supported enough surrounding abuse from my
sons, I see now that this will not change and I am appalled that I
have been left to cope with this living hell in solitary confinement.
I can sense and feel by my adult sons attitudes that they feel they
have Gheel and the HSE in their corner so I now have no voice in my
own house yet expected to carry on cleaning, cooking etc and locking
myself in my bedroom from 7pm till the next day. I have begged for
help and support since September 2006 and no one provided anything,
not even when my son punched and kicked me, not even when he chased
me out of the refuge house with a 20 inch carving knife then you tell
me that eldest believes he was protecting me by hiding two small
sharp knives in his room for two days, despite the previous violence
resulting in Garda in riot gear, detectives and a negotiator taking
four hours to get him to throw the carving knife out, what chance do
I have with this attitude. A handful of meetings with my son
when he is Xanax'd out of his head does not mean that you know
him, you have not lived with him, not had the vile verbal abuse, the
disgusting abusive emails, the fist, the boot, the carving knife.
This has all made it totally clear to me I am nothing except cannon
fodder to your company, money comes before people, people's lives
have to be destroyed before you actually do anything. It appears to
me that your job was to hypothetically make sure I was held together
to continue with this life of abuse and misery. It stops now. Any
future meetings that Gheel wish to have with my adult sons will be
done outside of my house, I presume someone will have to provide
eldest with his nine Xanax to get him to any meeting and provide him
with transport. I will be obtaining eviction orders to have them
formally removed from my house, unlike my adult sons I will not stoop
as low as to lie about them to have the Garda remove them. Please
inform me when alternative accommodation has been financed for them
and I will inform you when I have the eviction orders. I gave up any
life of my own for my adult sons, I realise I have wasted these
years. I have been left in a war zone situation and no one
gives a damn”
My
dearest friend C who helped us out so much back in the day sent me a
text “I am really sorry to hear about the boys, I know your whole
life revolved around them and all you ever wanted was the best for
them. Take care and know what a great mother you have been and don't
let anyone else tell you otherwise. I have one wish that you find
peace in what is a very difficult situation”
When
youngest was home he started cleaning out his room, something he
never does, I was wondering if Gheel had found them a place to move
to, he was piling rubbish bags high in the hall way. He left me
another sticky note, he wants his Amazon ID so he can send off his
head phones for a replacement.
I
wish I could ring and thank that woman I spoke to at Women’s Aid re
all she said to me. I have now told Edel from Gheel no more meetings
at my house. I wouldn't have known that they could fuck off and hold
their meeting elsewhere but now I do thanks to that lady from Women's
Aid and I'm taking back my house and not being made to feel like shit
on anyone's shoe or having any agency invade my space and my privacy.
That woman was so correct, why the fuck am I hiding away in my
bedroom when they have meetings in my living room.
31st
January
I've
got terrible stomach cramps, I hope it wasn't the ham I got us for
dinner yesterday because only eldest and I ate it and he's dreadful
when he's ill and I'm not fit to handle him being ill.
No
thanks out of youngest for the money I left out for him. He has the
Hamlet play but I doubt he'll stay to the end of it.
I
don't think I'll get any reply to the email I sent Edel. I think they
will just call a meeting and circle their wagons to protect their own
arses as per usual.
Went
out with my dog to get some shopping locally but had to run home
twice because my stomach was so bad.
Once
youngest was home he was again busy cleaning his room, he was dumping
all his rubbish and laundry in the hallway, he then went out the
front door, I could hear a cars engine running so there must have
been someone outside for him from Gheel, he certainly didn't put any
of his rubbish out whilst he was standing out there. He came back in
and then filled up the kitchen with his dirty laundry and I had
already got all the washing up to date.
1st
February
I
woke up with the sweat pouring out of me at 5.45am, the heating was
on for some reason, it should not have been on because it's on a
timer. I was thinking about Edel from Gheel and Michael McCreadie and
their talk to eldest about Mindfulness, that's all it was, talk.
They've no shagging sense at all these people. Youngest was awake at
6.15am, he left the house to go to school at 8am, that is now almost
a month of no communication between us except for his sticky notes
asking for money. When he was gone I saw that someone had put the
heating on to run constantly. I'm furious because the bill will be
huge. And only I pay it.
The
lady from Cross care is going to ring me. I sent her the email I
wrote to Edel from Gheel so she would know what it was all about
before ringing me.
My
heart is going like the clappers today, it's so loud I can hear it in
my ears, it's an awful feeling.
Eldest
got up 8.05am.
I
got the 9am bus to Tesco. I banked his money, the cashier started
chatting away to me, she told me all about her daughter who she said
is a music teacher and works with children with Autism and Aspergers
Syndrome (just my fucking luck) she said her daughter loves it. I
said “I hate it and isn't it wonderful when you can get paid for it
and walk away at the end of the shift, I bloody don't and I bloody
can't” she must have thought I was off my head, she knew nothing
about me so I told her, she apologised, my eyes overflowed with
tears, I was mortified and said “I'm sorry I don't know what's
wrong with me today” she asked “do you have any other family you
could contact” I said “only my adopted daughter but I don't see
her much” I had to leave because I was ready for cracking up, the
lady told me to take care. I had to get a taxi home with the
shopping, I told the man driving I had an awful head cold because my
eyes would not stop pouring tears and I was mortified. I was just
trying to save face because I was mortified to be crying in the
street. I need help, I'm going to have a fucking nervous breakdown. I
couldn't put the shopping away once I got home, my heart was racing,
I had awful palpitations and a bad headache. I was shaking inside and
out and so very weepy and I don't know what to do or where to get
help.
I
took my dog out for a walk, it's a beautiful day. I wish I had
company and someone to talk to.
I
spoke to the lady at Cross care at 12 noon, “yes, I read your email
and the ball is now in their court” She asked me “why would Edel
from Gheel ever have been in contact with a family member when they
have never been in the picture and are not even in the country, I do
not understand why you weren't told about it and just left to find
out, unless Gheel are planning the boys go and live abroad” The
lady said “keep remembering the refuge support workers words, it's
abuse and continual psychological abuse at that, forget they are boys
and start calling them men because that's what they are and start
concentrating on yourself, they are now surrounded by supports and
you are not so it's time to go and get eviction orders, it will help
you feel back in control, keep in touch and let me know how you're
doing and shout if you need me”
Youngest
got in at 2pm, I thought he had an appointment with DCC today, it
must be tomorrow. I went to bed to sleep. I didn't make their dinner
till 6pm, I am so tired still.
Youngest
came down asking me “where is the thermometer” I told him “look
in the top drawer” then said “let me feel your head because I'll
be able to tell if you have a temperature” he said “no, I will
trust the thermometer to read my temperature” and he walked out.
I
am wiped out but so bored. I cleaned out my drawers and got all my
journals into order of the years I wrote them. Kids are playing
outside at 8pm, neighbours are talking in the street. I wish I was
part of it, I am so lonely. I wish I had stayed in the high rise
flats in London, we had real community spirit there. I remember a
real posh lady moved in next door to me on the 7th
floor with her son. Her boyfriend or husband didn't live with her but
he came often to visit her and he too was very posh, a bit cookie
actually but both very nice people. The poor lady who was only in her
early 40's had women’s problems and started bleeding heavily and
knocked on my door petrified out of her wits, there were no mobile
phones back then but luckily I had a land line so I rang an ambulance
for her, Veronica my pal took her son to stay in her flat and I went
to the hospital with the lady. I held her hand and stayed with her
till she got put onto a ward. I had to then walk home thru the
Barbican tunnel at 2am, crapping myself but was fine. Her man friend
later thanked me and Veronica by giving us both £10 Argos vouchers.
The posh lady moved out shortly after that with her son. Living in
that block of flats must have been a real shock to that lady but she
found decency and friendship and community spirit in us her
neighbours. I have not found that living here at this address. I have
rarely found that at all except in another County. The village we
did live in was just so nice and friendly. I would have loved to have
stayed there but couldn't after my youngest broke both his wrists
because it proved we were so far away from emergency help. It would
have been okay if the ex had been a decent human being, not an evil
prick over money and not wanting to pay and not paying when he was
court ordered to do so. When I think of the shit I had from that man
during the marriage and also out of it and the shit my eldest put us
thru in the cottage and I still came back for him and now the shit my
youngest puts me thru and his utter lies on top. Christ, my memories
alone are enough to drive me insane never mind coping with these two
abusive men on my own.
Youngest
knocked on my bedroom door at 10pm asking me “have you got any
Rennies or Gaviscon” I told him where to look because I didn't
know if there was any. He came back and told me there's none. I told
him to drink milk.
2nd
February
I
went
to meet a solicitor. She said “there is no point getting eviction
orders because your sons are not down as tenants in the house, you
can get an exclusion order against eldest which means he cannot come
near the house for 3 years” I said “I can't do that” She said
“the status quo will not end unless you end it because the HSE do
not want to be paying out whilst they have you in your position and
its a disgrace” I gave her copy of the email I sent to Edel from
Gheel, she said “it's utter madness that you've been begging and
pleading for help since 2006 and still nothing's been done, do I have
your permission to contact Edel from Gheel myself to find out what
the hell's been going on and is going on now, why is she acting as
support for you and also your sons, I am going to phone her and the
Garda station to ask for the report made in 2010. You will end up
insane if you
carry
on living like this” I said “I know that” She asked about the
father, I told her, she asked me “why have you no legal separation
or divorce” I told her, she asked me “why do you have no
solicitor” I told her about the solicitor B.M dumping me after I
told her she employed my ex into her office not once but twice when I
was her client and he was there to fix her computer and he removed
and kept her old hard drive with all her clients details so she
dumped me and told me to get legal aid and the one I have now does
not listen to my instructions and never turns up at court with me..
She said “you've had a raw deal up till now” She told me “you
do not owe me anything but I'm worried about your isolation” I said
“so am I, but I'm now very worried about my mental health” she
said “I will call you next week”
Went
to Tesco for shopping and paid bills.
Still
no reply from Edel from Gheel, it's a bloody disgrace.
Email
from my friend,
“It's
sounds to me that you are as low as I've ever heard you. I don't know
if you have had a response from Edel or Gheel. I will call you in the
morning and hope that you can get through this. I know you will”
3rd
February
Awake
at 5.15am, I feel so tired. I stripped my bed and changed my room
around then took my dog out to the park. Youngest had gone to school
by the time I got back.
My
friend rang, we had a long chat. I got very upset talking to her. I
told her “I've now had a reply from Edel from Gheel but as T once
told me, never trust a person who answers a question with a question”
Email
reply from Edel from Gheel:
Hi
Anne, Apologies about the delay in returning your email as I have
been off work since Wednesday. In relation to your email it is
important for me to say that nobody could ever deny the verbal,
physical and written abuse you have endured through the years. A
mother who cares so much and who has done so much for her family
should never have had to go through what you have experienced. Even
though I have not experienced this first hand I am completely
emphatic in trying to understand this endurance, I interpret your
experiences as an emotional roller-coaster of fear, despair,
frustration, loneliness and anger that you experience everyday. I
want you to know that my feelings of concern come from both a
personal and professional perspective. Of course you
are right in saying that I could not claim to know eldest after a few
meetings when high doses of anti-anxiety medication have been taken,
which I know from experience can 'mask' reality. The real 'reality'
is what you have had to endure over the past number of years and
continue to do so everyday, there is no denying that fact. In terms
of feeling that you are on your own going through this process I am
still available for support via the phone or in person. You also have
access to talk to staff on our out-reach team via the mobile number I
have given you in the past. I have also researched local counselling
services in the area which I can forward onto to you via email if you
wish. To give you an update regarding the housing for eldest and
youngest, we still are waiting to get confirmation from Geraldine
Murphy's General Manager regarding funding for same. Mary Mc Nutt
was meeting with youngest on Wednesday to meet with the housing
officer regarding the social housing application and prioritising the
case. In relation to the home visits that is fine and we will respect
your request as I always have been mindful to do so throughout the
process. I have informed Geraldine Murphy of your plan to request an
eviction order for eldest and youngest and that you will communicate
to me in relation to this. I will let you know of any further updates
in relation to the accommodation. As I said support is available from
Gheel and I can arrange for an alternative support person if you
still feel that you cannot continue with our current working
relationship and support arrangement. Kind regards, Edel”
4th February
6
Nations rugby is on, at last something to be awake for. I rang T. I
made dinner and yet again youngest didn't eat, he prefers a plate of
shit confectionery to any dinner, then writes to the online world
that he is starving.
5th
February
I
re read
my meeting with Clinical Consultant Andy McDonnell at Gheel. Useless
git that he is.
6th
February
Awake
at 3am. I had the weirdest dream about me swimming in an ocean full
of sharks, how apt is that then. Went back to bed at 4.30am till 7am,
youngest did not get up so he's not gone to school.
Youngest
was down in the living room at 11.30am, he asked me “where is the
money for school” I said “you have €10 I left out for a
takeaway that wasn't bought” he bare faced lied to me and said “I
did buy a takeaway for me and eldest. I know he didn't so I asked
him “show me the empty cartons and never lie to me again” He
couldn't show me anything because he's lying. He walked out the front
door and returned with his diet coke so he did still have my money.
7th
February
Youngest
wrote online “I spent lunchtime in the housing office, me and my
bro are not entitled to social housing so are going to be homeless,
thanks to Mum, Cunt”
What
the hell does he expect from me, to just keep putting up and shutting
up and let them not have an ounce of decency or respect for their own
mother, I have had more than enough abuse, I do not want it, nor do I
deserve it no matter what he keeps telling himself, he should know by
now that he's an abuser just like his brother, how the hell would he
like to be talked to and treated like he treats me. He would not like
it one little bit. He's clearly shown he has no common sense in him
whatsoever, why is he not realising that he has a roof over his head,
food, his own room, the internet 24/7, money provided, laundry done.
All youngest is interested in, is his woe is himself bullshit and
spouting shit and hoping whoever is out there reading it will write
to him and feel sorry for him. I have no right to reply to his lies
because you need to be his friend to write on his page and he and
eldest are not being made homeless because I am doing every fucking
thing I can to get them their own accommodation.
8th
February
I
put €5 on the fireplace for youngest for school tomorrow and he
lifted it and went to the shop with it. I'm going to go mad. That
money is for school.
Call
from the solicitor I went to “I've left Edel from Gheel a voice
mail asking her for an update, I will let you know as soon as I hear
back from her”
9th
February
Out
at 6am with my dog. Came back to a sticky note outside my bedroom
floor in youngests writing “I'm sick” I went straight to his
bedroom, it was locked. I knocked on his door, no reply from him. I
sent him a text at 6.55am “Be ready for the 9am bus to go to the
doctor” no reply to my text.
I
went to Tesco and he sent me a text saying "not leaving the
house, want the doc to come to me" I replied “the doctor does
not do home visits, you can go to D Doc after 5pm but you'll have to
go to town” No reply from him
and
no sign of him the rest of the day, he did not eat the dinner I made
either.
I
put €5 for youngests school for tomorrow on the fireplace then went to my
bedroom, another sticky note was on my door saying “I'm done” my
first reaction was done what. I shouted “what have you done” no
reply but his bedroom door was now unlocked and ajar. I pushed the
door open, he was lying on the bed, one arm dropped down to the floor
exposed and was all slashed and bleeding, empty packets of Lexapro
were on the floor. I ran to him after realisation dawned on me,
screaming for eldest to come and help me. I tried to lift youngest up
but couldn't. Eldest ran in and grabbed my hand in an attempt to calm
me down then tried to help me get youngest up out of bed. Youngest
was now thrashing and kicking and if not for my eldests fast
responses I would have been kicked full in the throat by youngest.
Youngest started screaming at us “leave me the fuck alone, get off
me” I rang for an ambulance, none were available, I was told they
could send the fire brigade out. Eldest stayed with youngest whilst I
ran downstairs to wait for the fire brigade, as soon as they arrived
and went upstairs youngest was screaming at them “I do not want
that cunt anywhere near me” meaning me, I was mortified, why was he
saying that. If what he was screaming was correct, why did he open
his door, why did he unlock his door, why write on a sticky note
letting me know anything at all. All the neighbours were out in the
street because there was a fire engine outside, they obviously
thought there was a fire.
Eldest
was standing with me outside on the door step whilst the fire men
patched up youngests arm as he was sitting on the stairs. A young
woman came up my path saying “hello Anne” I had no clue who she
was, she said “I'm R. A's daughter” I apologised for not
recognising her, she told eldest “you must be a great help to your
mum” I shook my head and eldest said “ no I'm not” and put his
head down. An ambulance then arrived and told me “youngests wounds
are superficial” and took youngest into the back of their
ambulance. Youngest told them “I do not want her in the back with
me, keep her away from me” like I was a leper, like I was a
villain, a criminal who had done this to him. I should have just
turned back into my house and shut the door. I must be a fool who
likes being tortured. I sat in the front of the ambulance with the
driver. I send Edel from Gheel a text at 7.51pm “youngest has
slashed his whole arm and we are en route to the hospital” and when
we arrived at the hospital I was told to go and give his details at
the A & E Dept. and to sit in the waiting room because he didn't
want me with him. One of the ambulance crew came into the waiting
room to me and said “he's being kept in for the night and a
security guard will keep an eye on him and not let him out of the
hospital until he's seen” I told the man “I left the house
without my bag and I've no house key to get back in and eldest will
most probably not open the door for me” he went off to ask
youngest to lend me his key but he soon returned and said “he said
you can fuck off, you're getting nothing” He then said “sit tight
till a doctor comes to talk to you” A nurse came out to talk to
me, she said
“youngest is talking non stop, he doesn't want to die, he just
wants someone to listen to him, which is why he opened his door” I
gave her all recent history, I said “I'm finished, I've nothing
left to give, I do love him but I no longer like him, he's thrown a
cloak over himself of Aspergers and other things and my son has been
stolen from me and I don't know who that person is. She touched my
arm and said “wait and talk to the doctor, tell the doctor what you
just told me” and off she went.
The
doctor came out and she was lovely, she said “it must be awful” I
gave her the history and details of my recent letters to both my sons
after youngest had written those awful lies about me. She asked “how
are you coping” I said “I stopped coping a very long time ago,
I'm no longer fit to cope and I wish I was dead myself. She said
“you will get a call from a Psychiatrist at home but I don't know
when” I said “if youngest doesn't want me, his Mum anywhere near
him in these circumstances how the hell can he come home once he's
seen a psychiatrist” she said “he will be offered some choices”
but she didn't elaborate. She said “if you don't want to come back
to the hospital tomorrow the psychiatrist can ring you.
So
youngest was left alone for the first time in his life in a hospital
and without me. I have felt humiliation in my lifetime but to sit in
that waiting room for 4 hours whilst my son was in casualty and have
strangers tell me that I wasn't allowed near him because it was his
choice made me feel like a fucking criminal. I left the hospital at
midnight having sat alone for 4 long hours. I felt totally destroyed,
heartbroken and so very embarrassed.
Edel
from Gheel rang me “I will arrange for someone from Gheel to go up
and be with youngest”
Luckily
my eldest opened my front door for me. I would have kicked the door
in if he hadn't the way I was feeing. It's not enough that they make
my life hell on earth but go on to humiliate me in public, youngest
knew exactly what he was doing. I told eldest I was in no mood for
talking, he offered to go up to the hospital to sit with youngest. I
told him “it's after midnight and you would not be allowed” I
went to bed.
10th
February
I
had
one hour of sleep and was awake at 2am. I was shaking inside. I went
downstairs and put the kettle on. Eldest came down too. I talked to
him at length. His conclusion is “he's lonely” I said “so am I
but I do not take a razor to my own skin nor over doses nor heap non
stop abuse on you or your brother” We spoke about youngests blog,
I asked him “how would you like to be written about so libellously
and spuriously” I told him “both you and youngest have drained
the life out of me, the energy and the spirit out of me, how do you
not get that I'm human too, how do you both not realise that I'm
lonely, that I spent 17 years with a man I loved and was forced to
leave for my sanity and I've not had the company of another for 6
years now, I have needs too, what part of me do you both not see as
human, I gave up my first taste of freedom in London for you and have
been treated like the devil incarnate for many years by you both”
I reminded him of when he “spat in my face” he apologised then
said “I honestly cannot remember” I reminded him of all the awful
names they have both called me for far to many years now, how
betrayed I felt when he chose to live with his father and not come to
London with the only person who ever loved and cared about him, how
he knew what his Dad was like but he chose to stay with him. I said
“both of you have hurt me so much that I've put a barrier up to
somehow protect myself from having a complete nervous breakdown” I
said “all I want in my life is peace now, I do not even want a man
in my life, I just want to live alone in peace and in quiet with no
one abusing me or dictating to me because I earned that right, it
should have been mine to start with, I deserved that at the very least, it
has always been my right to have peace and peace of mind” I asked
him if he would “call the hospital for me” he did, he is always
good in a crisis, he's just not good with every day happenings. He
told whoever was on the phone “Mum is waiting for the Psychiatrist
to call her about youngest” he was told “the call will come when
the Psychiatrist is free to do so” but was told “youngest is fine
but may have to stay in for a couple of days”
My
friend sent me a text then she rang me. I told her “I don't even
know if youngest has his phone with him or not and Edel from Gheel
told me last night she would have the outreach team contact youngest
and get someone up to sit with him” because I was adamant that he
wasn't left up there alone but no one from Gheel got back to me to
let me know if someone was up there or not. “I do not want him
alone in a hospital” My friend said “I will ring Gheel and then
let you know what they say about it”
Deirdre
from Gheel rang me “I'm sorry for calling in what must be an awful
dreadful time for you. I've rang youngests number but it keeps going
to voice mail” I said “he hasn't any voice mail set up so what
number are you ringing him on” she said “it must be his old
number” I said “you do not have his old number, no one does”
she asked for his number and said “I will call him and find out how
he is for you”
Edel
from Gheel rang, she said “Patrick is coming to the house to
collect some bits for him in case he has to stay in the hospital”
I suggested she found out first. She said “L did text him last
night and Mary McNutt has been informed” I asked “why, what
bloody good is she going to do” no answer was given to that
question.
My
friend rang me back “I talked to Peter Byrne (Gheel CEO) he's
having an emergency meeting with the Disability Manager Geraldine
Murphy and he will call me back”
I
am furious, all this behind the scenes crap going on, how about they
talk to the frigging mother, they all know what's going on because I
inform them constantly. FUCKING IDIOTS. I told my friend “thanks
but they have all crossed the line now by not listening to a bloody
word I told them. I told Edel from Gheel weeks ago there was
something wrong with youngest and asked her to find out why he was
wearing a fucking bandage on his arm and he never had a sprained arm
in his life before but who am I for them to listen to me, I am no
one”
I
rang the hospital. I got told “youngest is okay but his nurse is
on her break”
At
11.28pm the hospital rang me:
The
Psychiatrist Linda rang me, she asked “can you tell me what's been
going on” so I gave her the full history, no holds barred and said
“I already filled in the doctor I spoke to last night” She said
“I also need to hear it from you”
It was bit difficult with my eldest sitting next to me but fuck it, he needed to hear what life with them both is really like from my mouth to a stranger. I let her know about “youngests meet up's” about this girl called “C who he seemed to have fallen for in such a short space of time and her rejecting him” About “T and her Niece here” and “what I read about myself on his blog and face book which are all lies and I cannot forgive him for making such horrific stories up about me regarding Domestic Abuse” how he “flipped from being nice to the little girl then spoke so badly about her” that “I had to leave the house because it broke my heart the tales he was telling and I had no right to reply and defend myself and I cannot live with his changing attitude, his dangerous lies and his horrific verbal abuse and disrespect for the only person in the world who loves him so I've demanded both my sons are housed elsewhere before they have me lose my mind completely” that “I've had to cope with this completely alone the past 6 years and I can no longer do it. I'm abused or I'm threatened with abuse on a daily basis” She asked “how are you” I said “thank you for asking” and told her “I am broken in body and spirit and it won't be long before it's also my mind” She said “youngest researched online the safe limits to overdose on” I was speechless. I asked her “what kind of person does anything like that” she said “he told me it was to get services and to get help” I said “he has all the bloody services and help on tap but he refuses to engage” and I told her the names of all the agencies I have contacted. He had told Linda “Mum is making me homeless” I said “if I was doing that then his arse would have been out the door a long time ago, I would not have contacted Gheel to get them accommodation” She said “he's apparently diagnosed himself with many other things and will not listen to me when I told him that diagnosing is not as simple as reading about things, I've told him that external circumstances affects people, affect how he will feel and that he has to start with the mind and then the body” She said “he's very intelligent” I said “I do know that because he's my son” she said “I mean he must think I'm stupid because he's using words that I've never even heard of before” I told her “he does the same thing with teachers in the school, he loves to undermine people, especially people who cannot retaliate in any way, he believes he's superior to most people and tries to diagnose people himself which is very upsetting and he's done it to me and told me I have an anxiety disorder when all I have is an overload of stress which I wouldn't have if he and his brother treated me kinder and did not abuse me every which way they can think of, he's diagnosed me with a personality disorder and a narcissist which I find bloody insulting because his father did the same thing and my family have never had a mental illness as far as I know and I've seen many professionals both Psychiatric and Psychologists and spent many hours with them personally re my sons and not once has any of them ever hinted that I may have a problem at all, which I would expect them to do if I had what youngest is insisting I have” She said “it must be extremely difficult having to live and cope with this on your own, do you have support” I said “not really because I don't think phone calls are support at all and I'm sick of asking and begging for help” She said “we cannot keep him and need to discharge him, are you happy to have him at home” I said “I am getting them both rehoused with supports and I'm not throwing them out onto the bloody streets no matter what youngest says and writes on his blog to the contrary and yes he can return home but not unless his mood is better or stabilised because I cannot take any more and I almost got kicked in the throat last night by him and if he had succeed, he would have taken no responsibility for it because he would have said he was out of it on medication” She asked “is he normally abusive” I said “only verbally and viscously so far but if I get called a whore or a cunt which is screamed into my face one more time then I will not be responsible for my actions because I cannot take any more of it” I said “I'm worried he knows exactly what to say to you for you to be happy about letting him home but he will return to his norm because no one else gets to see what he can really be like, how he acts, talks, screams, abuses, lies and once you let him home all he will do is go straight to his room and lock himself away again and do the same thing again and I do not understand his humiliation of me, he kept putting notes on my door, then unlocked his door that he has locked for weeks and he was laid out perfectly on his bed lying the wrong way, upside down, so his slashed arm was hanging down displayed and he knew I would clearly see what he'd done to himself and he must have known what my horror would be but once the cavalry arrived he was screaming that he didn't want me anywhere near him” She said “he is an adult, if he does it again we will patch him up again and keep doing so and because he's an adult you as his mum have no control over how he wishes to behave and chooses to do to himself, I know it would be better for you if it was not happening under your roof because I don't know how I would cope with that but for the moment would you allow him to return home” I said “off course” She said “I would never have known the true story just by talking to him alone and his version of what life is like for him and I'm glad I got to talk to you and I'm sorry I had to ring you so late at night, I have sent a referral for self harm counselling and the mental health team in the community” I said “he will not engage with them, he will tell you he will but when any appointment comes thru he will refuse to go” she said “I have started a psychiatric assessment and the second part will be completed by Dr Blannard Hassett” I groaned audibly at that. I told her “that man refused to get involved with my other son with the same condition during an awful crisis involving a knife, a very large knife and youngest had an appointment with him in January and he refused to go to it” She said “I have told him he cannot just go to the doctor and expect the doctor to dole out medication that he thinks will be beneficial to him” She asked “would you be happy to attend family therapy re the communication side of things” I said “I will do anything if it helps but it takes two people to want to communicate and I know he will not and he does not communicate, he leaves sticky notes on my door and then ignores me” She said “I will make sure he agrees to attend everything I'm suggesting because I think it will help him because he needs to find a new way of communicating” she said “I will call you back in five”
It was bit difficult with my eldest sitting next to me but fuck it, he needed to hear what life with them both is really like from my mouth to a stranger. I let her know about “youngests meet up's” about this girl called “C who he seemed to have fallen for in such a short space of time and her rejecting him” About “T and her Niece here” and “what I read about myself on his blog and face book which are all lies and I cannot forgive him for making such horrific stories up about me regarding Domestic Abuse” how he “flipped from being nice to the little girl then spoke so badly about her” that “I had to leave the house because it broke my heart the tales he was telling and I had no right to reply and defend myself and I cannot live with his changing attitude, his dangerous lies and his horrific verbal abuse and disrespect for the only person in the world who loves him so I've demanded both my sons are housed elsewhere before they have me lose my mind completely” that “I've had to cope with this completely alone the past 6 years and I can no longer do it. I'm abused or I'm threatened with abuse on a daily basis” She asked “how are you” I said “thank you for asking” and told her “I am broken in body and spirit and it won't be long before it's also my mind” She said “youngest researched online the safe limits to overdose on” I was speechless. I asked her “what kind of person does anything like that” she said “he told me it was to get services and to get help” I said “he has all the bloody services and help on tap but he refuses to engage” and I told her the names of all the agencies I have contacted. He had told Linda “Mum is making me homeless” I said “if I was doing that then his arse would have been out the door a long time ago, I would not have contacted Gheel to get them accommodation” She said “he's apparently diagnosed himself with many other things and will not listen to me when I told him that diagnosing is not as simple as reading about things, I've told him that external circumstances affects people, affect how he will feel and that he has to start with the mind and then the body” She said “he's very intelligent” I said “I do know that because he's my son” she said “I mean he must think I'm stupid because he's using words that I've never even heard of before” I told her “he does the same thing with teachers in the school, he loves to undermine people, especially people who cannot retaliate in any way, he believes he's superior to most people and tries to diagnose people himself which is very upsetting and he's done it to me and told me I have an anxiety disorder when all I have is an overload of stress which I wouldn't have if he and his brother treated me kinder and did not abuse me every which way they can think of, he's diagnosed me with a personality disorder and a narcissist which I find bloody insulting because his father did the same thing and my family have never had a mental illness as far as I know and I've seen many professionals both Psychiatric and Psychologists and spent many hours with them personally re my sons and not once has any of them ever hinted that I may have a problem at all, which I would expect them to do if I had what youngest is insisting I have” She said “it must be extremely difficult having to live and cope with this on your own, do you have support” I said “not really because I don't think phone calls are support at all and I'm sick of asking and begging for help” She said “we cannot keep him and need to discharge him, are you happy to have him at home” I said “I am getting them both rehoused with supports and I'm not throwing them out onto the bloody streets no matter what youngest says and writes on his blog to the contrary and yes he can return home but not unless his mood is better or stabilised because I cannot take any more and I almost got kicked in the throat last night by him and if he had succeed, he would have taken no responsibility for it because he would have said he was out of it on medication” She asked “is he normally abusive” I said “only verbally and viscously so far but if I get called a whore or a cunt which is screamed into my face one more time then I will not be responsible for my actions because I cannot take any more of it” I said “I'm worried he knows exactly what to say to you for you to be happy about letting him home but he will return to his norm because no one else gets to see what he can really be like, how he acts, talks, screams, abuses, lies and once you let him home all he will do is go straight to his room and lock himself away again and do the same thing again and I do not understand his humiliation of me, he kept putting notes on my door, then unlocked his door that he has locked for weeks and he was laid out perfectly on his bed lying the wrong way, upside down, so his slashed arm was hanging down displayed and he knew I would clearly see what he'd done to himself and he must have known what my horror would be but once the cavalry arrived he was screaming that he didn't want me anywhere near him” She said “he is an adult, if he does it again we will patch him up again and keep doing so and because he's an adult you as his mum have no control over how he wishes to behave and chooses to do to himself, I know it would be better for you if it was not happening under your roof because I don't know how I would cope with that but for the moment would you allow him to return home” I said “off course” She said “I would never have known the true story just by talking to him alone and his version of what life is like for him and I'm glad I got to talk to you and I'm sorry I had to ring you so late at night, I have sent a referral for self harm counselling and the mental health team in the community” I said “he will not engage with them, he will tell you he will but when any appointment comes thru he will refuse to go” she said “I have started a psychiatric assessment and the second part will be completed by Dr Blannard Hassett” I groaned audibly at that. I told her “that man refused to get involved with my other son with the same condition during an awful crisis involving a knife, a very large knife and youngest had an appointment with him in January and he refused to go to it” She said “I have told him he cannot just go to the doctor and expect the doctor to dole out medication that he thinks will be beneficial to him” She asked “would you be happy to attend family therapy re the communication side of things” I said “I will do anything if it helps but it takes two people to want to communicate and I know he will not and he does not communicate, he leaves sticky notes on my door and then ignores me” She said “I will make sure he agrees to attend everything I'm suggesting because I think it will help him because he needs to find a new way of communicating” she said “I will call you back in five”
She
did ring me back. She said “I've spoken to youngest and he's
refusing point blank to agree to Family Therapy” I replied “just
like I said he would” She said “you should go alone for support
if nothing else and he has at least agreed to give the Psychiatrist
one chance only” She wished us luck then asked “do you have any
support of your own” I said “no, but I have my son who also has
the same condition as my youngest with me sitting here now” She
said “what, you have two sons with Autism” I had already told her
when she first rang me. I said “yes and I'm alone, totally,
completely and frigging utterly alone but I expect Gheel Autism
Service will ring me on Monday” she said “you need the support
here and you need it now” I replied “I have needed a lot of
things over the years but not once did I get any of what I needed
never mind any support” She said “I will mark the Psychiatric
Assessment as urgent so they can get a letter of support for housing
done for him and he's not been prescribed any medication”
Eldest
after sitting and hearing all I had to say to the Psychiatrist on the
phone came and sought me out and said “I will help more with
youngest but I tried but failed to speak to him all week, I will send
him an email and see if that will get him talking” He said
“youngest must know you've been reading his blog because he posted
“How can you claim to love that, which you do not trust” I said
“when it comes to keeping an eye on him I will do all the checking
of him online that I want and need to because I have no other way of
finding out and Gheel who I inform everything about obviously do not
give a shit” I also told eldest “it is now time for you both to
move on and live your own lives, you can both stay until you are
rehoused with supports but my job is over, my job is done, I did my
best, you are both grown now, both adults but I will always be your
mum and will always be here for you both but you have to move on now”
Marlene
from Gheel brought youngest home from the hospital by car, he went
straight to his room, he told eldest “I'm not hungry” He was
straight onto his Tumblr page posting all about his hospital
experience, he has no shame in him at all.
Deirdre
from Gheel rang me “Paul will link in with youngest and get him out
of the house for a couple of hours and this will give you a break”
they appear to have forgotten my eldest is still in the house 24
hours per day, I asked her “has youngest agreed to this or is it
just an idea” she said “it is the best we can do at such short
notice”
Edel
from Gheel rang “Peter Byrne will speak to Geraldine Murphy about
youngest, then Sheila Marshall the General Manager will be told,
probably on Monday. I spoke to the Psychiatrist at the hospital” I
said “wait a minute” I was told by my friend that she spoke to
Peter Byrne who was having an emergency meeting with Geraldine Murphy
and he would call her back after the meeting so now you're telling me
something different” Edel said “Peter probably had an emergency
meeting about something else” I said “there is nothing wrong
with my hearing and my friend has never given me misinformation the
past 6 years nor is there anything wrong with her hearing either”
Edel changing the subject completely said “youngests action are
clearly a cry for help” I said “we shall agree to disagree on
that one, I am very cynical about my youngests reasons” She said
“I will see you on Monday” I asked her “what do I do in the
meantime” she said “you can contact the outreach team” So much
for the hospital psychiatrist telling me “you need support in the
here and now”
I
talked to both my friend and to T on the phone, I told them “I want
to know why it's always the mum who gets the blame” yes I feel
guilt about how their lives have panned out but for fucks sake I've
done all I could for them both, they have a father, they have a
grandmother, they have aunts and uncles, where the fuck are all these
people. How the fuck is it all my fault, they do not seem to have a
brain cell between them to treat me as they do. Intelligence is so
much more than rote learning.
I
went for a lie down and eldest came into my room, he said “youngest
has gone out did you not get the sticky note he left out for you”
I said “no, how would I get anything when I'm lying in here” I
looked out of the window and saw youngest walking” I told eldest
“I know Paul from Gheel was going to take youngest out” eldest
said “he wanted diet coke” God, I thought he will now think I'm
ignoring him on purpose so another punishment will soon follow or
self punishment which will still hurt me will take place. I sent
youngest a text “eldest has just told me about your sticky note. I
will go to the shop once I am up, I'm sorry I did not see it” Only
after I sent the text did I realise what I'd done. I'm apologising
for what, for something I didn't even know anything about, well more
fool me for doing so. No reply text from youngest. He came back
after 20 mins carrying diet coke.
I
got myself ready and went to the bank, no maintenance was paid by the
ex and I flipped. I sent the ex a text telling him to get it frigging
paid and paid now. I felt like returning home and screaming at them
for a change instead of them screaming abuse at me. I felt like
screaming at them to go and live with their mentalist father and turn
him sane for a change instead of turning this sane woman into a
mentalist. They all make me sick.
I
rang Gheel to speak to Paul and asked him “when are you coming for
youngest” he said “I spoke to youngest this morning and he told
me he was busy” I said “busy doing what, he's locked in his room,
he has no medication because he overdosed on them, he can't get any
new meds because they're not due for another 3 weeks, so what can I
do, how can he be helped when he's locked in his room and nothing has
changed for him” Paul said “I'm sorry but I don't know the full
history” I said “yes you do because I told you when I met you in
Gheels office and I know Deirdre would have filled you in when she
got you on board to ask you to take youngest out” I told him “I'm
running out of credit” He said okay, he did not offer to call me
back or anything else yet this is the number I was told to call for
help, advice, support and emergencies and I'm not getting it. THE
FUCKING IDIOTS.
I've
now been
awake since 6am. I had a bad nights sleep because I could hear
someone walk about downstairs in the early hours of the morning. I
checked youngests Tumblr page, he's been awake all night long, he's
been posting every hour. He wrote “Need help, guidance, anything”
yet he's refusing everything from every professional.
Eldest
said “I sent youngest an email but he's not replied as yet” I
said “he won't reply, it's not us he wants to talk to, it's C the
girl he met that he wants”
My
text to Gheel outreach phone at 11.22am
“Hi,
has anyone rang youngest yet today to ask him if he is okay? I've had
no contact with him since he came out of the hospital. Thanks”
From
Paul at Gheel
“Hi,
It's Paul here. I spoke to youngest yesterday, he said he was ok and
would be in contact with us during the week to arrange meeting up. He
said he didn't need us today but I thought I'd call again at 12 to
touch base anyway”
My
text to Gheel outreach phone: 11.35am
“I'd be grateful if you did as he's a very deep boy, what he tells you is not how he feels. I know he has had no sleep at all. Thank you”
“I'd be grateful if you did as he's a very deep boy, what he tells you is not how he feels. I know he has had no sleep at all. Thank you”
My
text to Gheel outreach phone at 12.16pm
“He must have gone to sleep but thanks. Please do not mention my name to him as I'm the wicked witch of the west and it will make him mad if he knows I've contacted anyone. Cheers”
“He must have gone to sleep but thanks. Please do not mention my name to him as I'm the wicked witch of the west and it will make him mad if he knows I've contacted anyone. Cheers”
I
rang Gheels outreach number. Paul answered. I told him what
youngest is writing on Tumblr and asked him “how clearer does it
have to be because he's written “need help, guidance, anything”
Paul asked me “are you sure it's him writing” I shouted “are
you for frigging real” he said “okay I will call him” For
fucks sake what is wrong with this idiot masquerading as a
professional.
I
got woken up by the front door slamming at 6pm, eldest thought
youngest had gone out. I asked eldest “will you walk to the shop
with me because I keep having dizzy spells” he said “okay but I
need Xanax in me first” I didn't know he would take all 8 of them
at the same bloody time. I just arrived at the shop when I realised I
didn't have my hand bag with me so we had to walk all the way back
home again for it then walked to local shop. We got back in the house
at 8.30pm then youngest walked in 5 minutes later. Eldest was yapping
away to him because he was full of Xanax. Eldest then said “I want
to buy him a phone that costs €600” I said “that's crazy, you
will not remember because Xanax messes up with your memory” I have
no idea where youngest was the past 2 and a half hours.
13th
February
No
sleep had by me and I've no concentration at all. A monster cloud has
cloaked me and is choking me. Eldest comes to me at 5am, he said “the
internet is not working, have you cut me off” I said “why is
your first response always in the negative and no I have not cut the
internet off, my name is not dad” He said “my cable is fucked
then and you need to go and get me a new one plus a new charger and a
new sim card but you have to keep me the same number” All he can
think about is himself, nothing else but like a good girl on auto
pilot I go and get what he requires. It's freezing outside. I got the
9am bus to the O2 shop, then shopping from Tesco then up to Power
city for his new LAN cable. The cab driver I was using to get me from
A to B to C asked me “what's up, have you lost a pound and found a
shilling” he only knows me as happy and chatty but I didn't even
answer him. I did say when I get out of his cab “life is strange
and awful bad right now and sorry for not chatting” I saw my
reflection on closing the taxi door, I did not even recognise myself,
I did not know who that woman was looking back at me.
Text
from Edel from Gheel “Patrick will pick youngest up to take him up
to the hospital to change his dressings at 11.40am. I will then come
see you at 11.45am”
Edel
from Gheel was at the house. I gave her complaint after complaint
verbally re Gheel and the HSE and said “I want answers as to how we
ended up in this state” She said “Geraldine Murphy and Mary Mc
Nutt are asking for a meeting with you” I asked “why? are they
not sick of meetings and nothing ever gets done, where is the proof
of the outcomes of all previous meetings I've attended or you've
attended on my behalf when I couldn't attend, I've received nothing”
I said “I will not attend one more tea and sympathy, pat on the
head, grand woman yourself meetings with them, it's all done to look
good on paper, a tick box exercise, a waste of an hour of my time and
theirs. What have they done? I'm having no more plasters either put
over a proverbial broken bone or to shut me up, they disgust me so
what good will any meeting do when they've done jack shit to date but
no I don't have any problem with you going to meet them in my place”
She said “youngest questioned me as to why I was at the house
giving you support, I told him that I'm your key support and that
will not change” she said “he also said he wants no communication
with you and I feel its best that you accept this for the time being”
I said “he can fuck off out of my house, no one gets to tell me in
my own home what I can do or not do any more and no professionals who
have sat back whilst I was screaming for help and supports and
services since 2006 in another County and since 2009 in Dublin will
have the audacity to tell me what to accept, only I get to decide
that” I was so bloody angry, I said “well he can quit putting
sticky notes on my door or any other forms of grabbing mummy's
attention” Edel said “Paul has taken him to hospital to get his
dressings changed and youngest was with him for 2 hours last night”
I said “it was for 2 and a half hours and you could have bloody
let me know” she said “it's all to do with confidentiality” I
said “I have no interest where he is or who he's with but he lives
under my roof, I alone am left with him and his moods, temper and
self harming and overdosing which he's just been in hospital for so a
short message saying “with us” would suffice or “is safe” or
do you all want to stick the boot into the carer” She said “I
will pass it on” I said “and you had no problems breaking
confidentiality when you were emailing a family member who has
nothing to do with anything” No reply from Edel. She said “I'm
only going to be working 2 days a week now” Here was I sitting a
complete bag of nerves, my eldest son has had agoraphobia since 2006
and I'm scared witless of his abuse, his threats, his violence. My
youngest did not even have a teenage spot on his perfect skin and now
his own flesh is ripped to shreds with razors, what are they doing to
help, my youngest told the hospital Psychiatrist he did this to get
services, what services, we have none, we are given nothing, nothing
but words, years and years and years of words. She said “I will
make sure there is someone else available for you with such ongoing
stress and crisis” I told her “I won't hold my breath waiting”
Eldest
tried to talk to youngest by asking him “would you help me choose a
cheap smart phone” youngest said “no, no no go away” He got
out of bed and came downstairs to the toilet slamming all the doors
as he did so. Eldest told him “if you carry on like that then the
Garda will be called” youngest said “I don't fucking care, I'm
in a bad mood” he went back to his room and slammed and locked his
bedroom door. Eldest said to me “what are you going to do” I said “I
haven't a bloody clue but to find out I'm going to check his blog”
youngest posted online “no professional cares about me so I'm going
to fight for myself and get myself admitted into a psychiatric
hospital for at least three days” Eldest said “he cannot be
serious about that” I said “it's not as simple as him wanting to
go into a psych place and it will happen because he has to be sectioned
by a psychiatrist first so he has no clue what he's doing”
At
6.15pm yet another sticky note was on the floor written by youngest,
for someone who doesn't want communication with me, he's surely going
the wrong way about having no communication with me. His note said
“I have enough Paracetamol for a lethal overdose”
I
sent Gheels outreach phone a text about it at 6.20pm “My son has
just put a sticky note on my bedroom door saying “I have enough for
a lethal dose of Paracetamol.
I
sent the same text to Edel from Gheel at 6.31pm
No
reply from either of them.
I
rang Gheel at 6.23pm, no one answered the 24 hour per day phone.
I
rang Gheels outreach phone again at 7pm, someone answered, “yes we
got your text but we have a crisis with another service user, we will
contact youngest when we can” So what the fuck do I do about my
son in the meantime when they clearly do not give a shit, a crap, a
fuck about him. I couldn't very well dial 999 and say my son has
written me a note about Paracetamol could I. I would get told where
to go, my son is one selfish bastard, people are dying of heart
attacks all over this country and in dire need of an ambulance which
are in short supply in this country and he's doing this.
At
7.25pm I got a text from Patrick from Gheel outreach “ Hi, I've
rang and texted youngest to say that I'm available to talk or call
over, no answer as of yet. I'll keep in contact”
7.27pm
I replied to Patrick “Thank you, he probably has his earphones in,
he's been downstairs twice so is okay for the moment”
At
7.57pm a text from Edel from Gheel “ Patrick has rang and texted
youngest, they will let me know as soon as they hear anything back
from him. Patrick is around tonight if youngest wants to meet with
him and he is on call over night if support is needed. Follow up with
the GP will happen tomorrow re youngests regular meds. Marlene is on
tomorrow as outreach support. Patrick will let you know if he does
not hear back from youngest soon”
Youngest
came down the stairs and asked me “what time was I born” he has
got to be barking mad, I couldn't even think straight so couldn't
remember at that exact moment when he was born, he went back to his
room, my mind was a complete blank.
He
wrote some more disgusting things about me online, he was stamping
about in his room, slamming things around the room, clearly angry
about something, clearly wanting someone's attention and I knew he
was going to do something serious to get that attention. I don't
have Paracetamol in the house so how the hell has he got any. I sent
Gheel another text “he is going to explode so someone needs to
contact him now”
Another
text to Gheel at 11.06pm “ Hi Patrick, did youngest reply to you.
He is angry and slamming doors, I am scared for him”
I
stayed awake till 3am. I stayed in the living room in total silence
listening out for youngest and what would happen next, the only way I
could find out was by going on his Tumblr page. I wish to fuck I
hadn't.
He
had written:
"Paracetamol
toxicity and lethality seems too easy to be true"
"Situation
critical. I need to fight or die. Liberty or death. They do not care
if I live or day. This is survival"
"Diatribe-I
know not of a single fucking word in my vocabulary to describe my
utter rage, hatred and disgust towards you. All the beggars and
whores on this god forsaken rock have more care in their heart than
your bitter, empty chest. You claim all the niceties in the world,
but there’s a sour in your sweet. Your silence is pungent”
I
refuse to speak in vagueties any longer. Nothing has filled me with
such a rage. Nothing. Throughout all of your life, your parents are
the people that should never give up on you. They should always be
there, that’s their job, But now. I took a fucking overdose and my
mother hasn't uttered a single fucking word to me. I even left a note
saying I have enough for a lethal dose of Paracetamol and still
nothing. She claimed vicariously through a psychologist that she
loved me. But how the fuck can you respect someone, when you do not
see them as an equal or higher, do not trust them and stalk their
activities- how they choose to express themselves. I am sick of
putting up with such. Tomorrow is her birthday , I will be going to
the hospital one way or another"
Someone
had replied online after reading all he'd written in hatred of me was
“snap out of it”
I
went to bed at 3am swallowing down the scream I knew wanted to erupt
from me, he has plenty of time on his hands to keep posting all that
online but he has not contacted or replied to Gheel, how I slept for
3 hours till 6am I will never know.
14th
February
I
rang Gheel outreach at 7am. I said “I'm worried sick about my
youngest, I need help and I need support and so do my sons” I read
out all of youngests tumblr postings. I said “all his anger and
fury is directed at me, he is telling Edel and you lot one thing
about wanting no communication with me but posting the bloody
opposite online for the world to read” Patrick said “I spoke to
youngest last night and he told me he wants to be admitted to the
Psychiatric Unit today but do not say anything or he will shut down
the lines of communication” I said “I'm not stupid and he
doesn't want any communication with me anyway but the last thing he
needs is to be in a Psychiatric Unit, it's a doctor he needs to see
urgently” Patrick said “me and the staff on today will keep you
posted and Marlene is on today and will try and explain to him that a
Psych unit is the last place he needs to be in”
I
felt sick to my stomach. What youngest wants, youngest always gets,
it's how he's going to do it to get it that has me in terror. I just
had to keep torturing myself re reading what he wrote and
specifically about me, what he wants to achieve just because it's my
birthday. How viscous is he. It is me who is going to end up insane
and I look forward to that day now as I do not want to live with
this.
T
sent me a Happy Birthday text from her and her daughter. I am 52.
Youngest
has done this on purpose because it's my birthday, that is what I
read into what he has posted online. “Tomorrow
is her birthday , I will be going to the hospital one way or another"
I
sent Deirdre a “help me” text and she rang me and I explained all
that youngest had written on his blog. She told me “Marlene took
him to the Psychiatric Unit so he could admit himself as a voluntary
patient but he was refused by a Dr Khan and he stormed off in fury
but not before telling Marlene where to go and he refused to get back
into her car to be brought home” She said “Marlene tried to give
him a lift back and asked him to go and get something to eat with her
but he told her no and told her he did not want her support and
stormed off walking back towards home” Deirdre said “he is so
very angry and so very explosive but he's not presenting with
psychological problems, only stress, but he will not accept that and
I don't want you to put yourself at risk” I said “Oh fuck, he
really will do himself some harm now that he's not got his own way
and I know for a fact that he will, especially if he forgot his
manners with Marlene, that alone tells me he's completely lost it”
I said “he will explode, will you all just sit back and wait for
the fall out yet again which you never get to see first hand”
Deirdre said “he has convinced himself he has Bi Polar, no matter
that I myself assessed him and saw no such thing in him” I said
“you are a Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist” She said “I
believe youngest will do anything to actively seek that diagnosis
because he believes if he's given correct medication then it will
change everything for him” I said “I'm sick of telling you all
that I needed help and supports with them both and I needed it on an
almost daily basis and with youngest on his way back I am in need of
it even more so, someone has to bloody help because I know he will go
nuts once he comes thru that door” She said “I will let all the
staff know”
Would
I have even been told any of this by Deirdre if I hadn't sent her a
“help me” text.
I
warned my eldest what had just happened and said “he will likely go
mental and explode once he is back in the house so stay out of his
way no matter what”
Youngest
walked into the house at 2.50pm, he went straight to his bedroom and
we heard an almighty crash. My eldest started crying. I started
screaming but we couldn't get into his room, he was blocking the door
with something, he had it barricaded. I rang the Garda who come out
within minutes. Two of them arrived and tried to talk to him thru his
door, he told them “fuck off” then told them “she doesn't give
a fuck about me, even tho she knew I had a lethal dose of
Paracetamol, she did nothing” The Garda said “if she didn't care,
she wouldn't have bothered to call us and would let you just get on
with what you want to do to yourself” I showed the Garda all the
texts and calls I sent to Gheel about his sticky note. They saw for
themselves that I sent texts yesterday at 6.20pm, 6.30pm, that I rang
at 7pm and texted again at 11pm and rang Gheel again this morning at
7am and youngest had ignored all texts and calls from Gheel himself.
I told them “I have to see for myself if he's alright and told them
what he did recently to himself and what happened at the Psych Unit
and I wanted that door kicked open. They had to go into my room to
get a good run at his door. They got the door open on their 4th
attempt, his room was destroyed and his arm was ripped open again. I
felt like vomiting. Eldest was crying his eyes out and I was roaring
at the top of my lungs, the Garda told him “you either go to the
hospital in an ambulance or we arrest you. Youngest said “I don't
care” There was no ambulance available for 30 minutes so they told
him “you are going to the Garda station with us” they told me
“it's the best route possible to get him his wish to be admitted to
the psych unit” I said “he has no idea what he's walking into in
a place like that” They said “he's a very clever man knowing the
ins and outs of how to get into where he wants to go to” I was
told to let the ambulance crew know when they turned up where he'd
gone to. Youngest left in the Garda car.
The
ambulance arrived. I told them the Garda already took him.
I
sat on the couch with not an ounce of energy in me, I couldn't even
lift my arm up. I told eldest how to make a cup of tea because I
couldn't get my arse off the couch to make it myself. I had no
strength to lift myself up. Eldest asked me “what will happen to
him now” I said “I've no clue but lets hope he gets the help he
needs and I won't let him back under my roof till he gets that help”
eldest said “you had better not”
The
phone rang, it was one of the Garda, he said “sorry but the
ambulance took him from us to the hospital, they will probably take
him to the psych unit once they've patched him up and make sure you
give your head some peace, Christ, you've got it awful hard their
haven't you” I didn't even answer him.
I
texted Gheel. Deirdre rang me back. She said “Marlene will go to
the hospital and give the history so he's not just sent home again
but there's no psychiatrist on duty so he will only be seen by a
doctor” I said “he wont be sent home again because I will not
let him under my roof again to do this and my eldest wants to go up
to the hospital to be with his brother, eldest said he doesn't like
his brother but he doesn't want to see him die” She said “Marlene
will come to the house and pick up eldest and make sure you get some
rest whilst you have the house to yourself” How in gods name I did
that I did not know. Marlene came and collected eldest. I'm shocked
my eldest went out never mind out with a stranger. He took 6 Xanax.
Marlene
rang me from the hospital, she said “youngest said he doesn't want
eldest anywhere near him, he said he doesn't wish to see him or speak
to him” I thought big mistake because eldest will feel as
humiliated as I felt and he would not put up with that at all. She
said “youngest will be transferred to the psych unit and will be
seen by Dr Khan (the very one who refused to admit him earlier)
Marlene
dropped my eldest home and said I had to await a call to give the
full history, yet again!
Eldest
was absolutely furious about his brother when he got home, he called
him an “attention seeking bastard” “how dare he leave me
sitting like that alone” I said “try doing it for 4 hours like I
had to” I asked him “help me go thru his room to look for
Paracetamol” we went thru his room with a fine tooth comb and
didn't find any tablets at all, his room was trashed by his own
hands, his drawers were in bits too. We found photo's he took of
himself of all his cuts, he'd also put them online and one showed his
teeth covered and dripping in blood. Eldest said “he's got to be
sick in the head, how can someone do that to themselves”
I
didn't know, I had no answer at all. Eldest found what he called
disturbing writings that youngest wrote of his self harming and a
library book called Blood Letting. How the fuck did he become this
person I don't know, all over a girl who dumped him. This is not
Aspergers. He is mentally ill.
I
was lying on top of my bed when the phone rang, it was a doctor
Oncosie from the psych unit, she said “I have youngests permission
to get the history from you” She asked me “what do you think is
happening, why do you think he's doing it” I explained about the
meet ups, the girls at the meet ups who self harm, the girlfriend he
had, the online bullying. The doctor said “we have no beds, he's
fine now, I'm happy for him to go home, can you drive, can you come
down and get him and I exploded. I've had no sleep for weeks now,
I've had drama and crisis for years now and I'm sick to the fucking
back teeth of everything. I reminded her “my son who hates my
bloody guts for his own puerile and spurious reasons has now twice
ripped his arm apart, he's taken an overdose and been in hospital
twice so no I will not bring him home even if I could drive and no in
my eyes he's not fine at all, he could hit a vein or an artery and
I'm not going to sit back and watch him kill himself by accident or
design, he needs help and I'm not equipped to give him that help, he
did the same thing last Thursday and again today so what is it going
to take for someone to have an ounce of sense and help him so if all
you are going to do is keep telling me to come and get him then I'm
hanging up the phone” She said “I suppose we can give him
someone else’s bed who's out on a pass, so I will admit him as a
crisis emergency and he will be seen in the morning but I expect him
to be sent home tomorrow” I said “I'm not taking responsibility
for him tomorrow, he's clearly a risk to himself, he needs help so
you help him because I'm not going to watch him destroy himself and
all his anger is always directed at me so I'm not accepting what
you're telling me” She said “he is very manipulative” I asked
her “how would you know that from chatting to him once” but I
didn't wait for her to answer because I said “his brother and the
school psychologist said that too but as I've had no proper sleep in
a long time I have no way of working that out in my head just now as
to what you mean”
Eldest
came into the room and asked me what it was about and I told him, he
said “off course he's a manipulator, he knows exactly what he's
doing and why he's doing it, off course he wants your attention, why
else would he be writing to the world about you online, but he's a
fool because he has his real name up on his page for all to see so he
cannot be that intelligent” I said “I'm more concerned about him
ripping his own flesh apart” He said “I'm glad you refused to
have youngest home tonight because I read online youngest wants to
stay in the Psych Unit for at least 3 days so if he'd not been
accepted in the psych unit he would have come home and done the same
thing over and over again until he got his own way, as usual” I
told him “I know because I read what he posted online” eldest
said “you need to go to sleep because you're looking old and ill”
At
12.35am youngest posted on Tumblr from the psych unit “Cunt of a
doctor was sending me home even tho she knew I had 1000mg's of
Paracetamol” he carried on posting about how he had a relapse, mum
called the Garda, they broke down his door, he got took to the Garda
station then an ambulance picked him up from there to the hospital
where he was patched up and taken to the psych unit, his belt was
taken away but he kept his shoes and his gadgets and was given a
sleeping tablet and a Prozac”
So
youngest got his online wish, he was in hospital for my birthday.
The cherry on top of that particular cake for him should be that I forgot all day it was my birthday and no one else mentioned it either except for T this morning which seems like years ago already.
When I think of him all I can see is his father, the same spite and control and venom, they are all made of the same mould. He sees me cook, but will not eat what I make for him, I talk to him but he just ignores me, I go to the hospital and sit for 4 hours and all he does is tell everyone that he does not want me anywhere near him, like I'm to blame for his actions, then I'm dismissed like a piece of shit at midnight by the staff who probably feel sorry for him not knowing what he's really like at all. He does not write about any of his behaviour online, he's always seeking people to feel sorry for him, he never writes about the money he gets out of me to the detriment of my rent and bills and quality of life, he doesn't write all that's done for him by me, all I have done for him, all I've provided for him and given him. He told Edel from Gheel and Mary McNutt that he wants no communication with me yet he's posting online that I'm the one ignoring him. He is twisted and now my brain is twisted.
The cherry on top of that particular cake for him should be that I forgot all day it was my birthday and no one else mentioned it either except for T this morning which seems like years ago already.
When I think of him all I can see is his father, the same spite and control and venom, they are all made of the same mould. He sees me cook, but will not eat what I make for him, I talk to him but he just ignores me, I go to the hospital and sit for 4 hours and all he does is tell everyone that he does not want me anywhere near him, like I'm to blame for his actions, then I'm dismissed like a piece of shit at midnight by the staff who probably feel sorry for him not knowing what he's really like at all. He does not write about any of his behaviour online, he's always seeking people to feel sorry for him, he never writes about the money he gets out of me to the detriment of my rent and bills and quality of life, he doesn't write all that's done for him by me, all I have done for him, all I've provided for him and given him. He told Edel from Gheel and Mary McNutt that he wants no communication with me yet he's posting online that I'm the one ignoring him. He is twisted and now my brain is twisted.
15th
February
I
rang the hospital at 7am, I was told “youngest is great, he slept
all night and will be seen this morning but it's Wednesday and the
Consultant has rounds and meetings on” I asked “can Gheel Autism
Services could go up to be with him” I got told “yes, he's
allowed visitors” I said “I will not be visiting because it
appears it's all my fault” The nurse said “I'm sorry to hear
that and hopefully we can make him better and things will change for
you”
Eldest
woke up at 7.20am, he was in awful pain with his wisdom teeth, he
took two Tramadol painkillers. He said “you need to get youngests
photo's of his slashed arm printed out and sent to everyone you can
think of to help him because this is serious and he really deserves a
punch in the fucking face for all this crap”
I
checked inside my eldests mouth, he has a huge abscess and is in so
much pain. I told him to have a bath and I would find a dentist for
him. He said “I'm not going to any dentist”
At
8.27am I send youngest a text
“The doctor rang me at 11.45pm, she wanted me to come and collect you as you were fine. I said no as you needed urgent help. She said there was no beds then said she would give you a crisis bed for one night. Your roaring that I do not care re the Paracetamol and that I did nothing is not true. I sent texts to Gheel at 6.20pm, 6.30pm, I rang them at 7pm and 11pm when I saw your note as I was told you wanted no communication with me by Edel from Gheel and by the psych on Thursday as it could make you flip. I can't send you credit as been receiving no maintenance and no longer get Lone Parents for you. Paul is on today at 10am and when I rang this morning at 7am they told me that you were allowed visitors. I will let Paul know so that you can have someone with you. Take care of yourself”
“The doctor rang me at 11.45pm, she wanted me to come and collect you as you were fine. I said no as you needed urgent help. She said there was no beds then said she would give you a crisis bed for one night. Your roaring that I do not care re the Paracetamol and that I did nothing is not true. I sent texts to Gheel at 6.20pm, 6.30pm, I rang them at 7pm and 11pm when I saw your note as I was told you wanted no communication with me by Edel from Gheel and by the psych on Thursday as it could make you flip. I can't send you credit as been receiving no maintenance and no longer get Lone Parents for you. Paul is on today at 10am and when I rang this morning at 7am they told me that you were allowed visitors. I will let Paul know so that you can have someone with you. Take care of yourself”
I
rang Gheel, Paul will be in at 10am. I asked that he rang me back.
No call came. I rang again at 10.45am and spoke to him and told him
what eldest and I found online and I read out to him what youngest
had written wrote on Tumblr, he said “I will inform the Consultant
when I go up to the hospital”
Eldest
went to Tesco with me today (cab there and back) he wanted money out
of the credit union “so I have cash in my wallet” he bought me a
hoover after seeing me on my hands and knees using sellotape to clean
the carpet because my hoover was broken. Tesco tried to charge €80
extra for the hoover but I queried it. Eldest was not happy about
that, he said “just pay what they're asking for” that made me
fear for his future that he would rather I did that than pay the
advertised cost. He said “I will go out with you regularly and I
did not take any Xanax” I bought what I thought youngest would
need from Tesco plus credit for his phone and sent by taxi to the
psych unit. it's costing a fortune I don't have.
Text
from Deirdre from Gheel at 10.52am “ Hi, Paul is going over to the
Unit to speak to the Psychiatrist who saw youngest yesterday. They
want to discharge him but Paul will argue for keeping him in longer
as he poses a risk to himself and because you don't want him home due
to that risk and the stress”
I
rang Gheel Autism Services Outreach number, I spoke to Marlene, she
said “I cannot believe the psych unit were going to just send him
home last night” She said “there is not a lot that Gheel can do
because no funding has been provided and we only helped yesterday
because we had a quiet spell”
I
was distraught and confused, my eldest son has been on Gheels books
since April 2009. There is a Family Support Plan that has been going
for years but what's in it I do not know because all my requests to
see it has been given the run around and has never been answered by
Gheel. My youngest was diagnosed by them, meeting after meeting has
been held apparently about my whole family since 2009 so why was I
told “no funding has been provided” I told Marlene “I want to
speak to Peter Byrne, Gheels CEO ASAP because I'm sick of hearing
about the meetings he's had regards my whole family since April 2009,
I want to see in black and white what supports and services Gheel are
paid to provide, what supports the HSE has recorded and any other
file available” Marlene said “I will note it down and pass it
on”
At
3pm I got call from Psychiatrist Dr Khan who said “youngest is
quite distressed and asking to leave the unit because we have some
psychotic patients and he's freaking out about them, he can leave the
unit if he likes because he's voluntary and I have told him this but
all he said in response is that he will not go home because the Garda
kicked his door in and now it can't be shut or locked. I asked him
where he could go if not home, he replied he would think of
something” I said “if you let him out and he has no where to go
then I will hold you fully responsible as no person in their natural
mind would do and say what youngest has done and said the past week”
He asked me “for the history, youngests
normal mood and out of character mood” I am pissed
off, tired and alone but have to repeat yet again what they all
probably have huge files of history on. He said “we were supposed
to have a case conference today but it didn't go ahead and I'll let
you know the outcome of it” I
told him “youngest can only return to me if he asks me directly
himself because I cannot communicate with someone who does not return
it and my youngest claims he doesn't want any communication with me
but then moans and does this when I adhere to his wishes”
I
contacted Paul of Gheel outreach (Gheel make me sick, they have not
once offered me any support thru this, I've continually had to ring
them) I asked him “have you seen youngest” he said “he was
still asleep when I went to the unit” I asked him “will you ring
him so at least he has someone in his corner” He said he would.
I
send youngest a text telling him “I was told by Edel from Gheel
that you said you wanted no communication from me and I was advised
by the Psych last Friday not to communicate with you because it could
make you flip so your thoughts and words that "she does not
give a fuck about me re the lethal dose of paracetamol" is
untrue” and I named all I did contact and how many times I
contacted them. No reply from him.
Gheels
Deirdre rang me at 5pm “he is calm now and realises he has no
other place to go so he's agreed to stay put because the case
conference didn't go ahead because they were too busy but it's now
taking place tomorrow at 2pm so they are keeping him in and have put
him on new medication. I've left a voice mail for Mary McNutt to
attend also and she will be there. He realises now that he doesn't
have Bi Polar after seeing the other patients on the unit and he said
he doesn't want to come home because Mum and brother are huge stress
triggers for him” I said “so I'm to blame for him being like
this, getting in this state” Deirdre said “no, you are not to
blame at all, I believes he had many stress triggers all at once with
school, exams, the family breakdown, these all add up for someone
with Aspergers” I said “it's his behaviour and how he verbally
abuses me and lied about me that has led to a family breakdown”
She said “I know, you must be really fed up now Anne with all these
people ringing you and at you door” I asked “who would be then
because no bugger has been near my door at all except Garda, firemen
and ambulance men and not an ounce of support from anyone has been
offered to my eldest or me, in fact no one has even asked how we are”
she said in a condescending voice “well Anne, I'm going to ask you
now, how are you feeling” She must have thought she was talking to
a child. I said “I am heart broken, devastated and destroyed” she
said “all these feeling are normal” She said “I will fill you
in tomorrow” She said “ at the meeting in the unit tomorrow there
will be a social worker called Tony there, who will bring services on
board, more than Gheel can provide re youngests housing needs and
Paul will call to the house to collect some things for youngests
hospital stay”
I
was crying as I looked for stuff to pack for youngests psych stay.
Eldest gave me his new PJ's and slippers and dressing gown. I got
youngest boxers, socks, two jumpers, jacket, toothbrush, toothpaste,
shampoo, conditioner, soap, flannel, deodorant, his camera, his
netbook, his DS, pen, copy books, glasses, his hat and put €20 in
change in an envelope for him.
Paul
arrived at 5.20pm and asked to use my toilet. I was in bits, very
upset but he couldn't give a shit, in fact he looked bemused and
embarrassed at me being so upset. I told him “do not forget I have
another son with the same condition
upstairs”
he said “how could we” and “we are holding meetings about it
but it's all down to funding and services” I said “a phone call
to me costs you nothing but would mean a lot to me” he said “
okay” Paul left. I cried my eyes out and eldest came down and out
of the blue gave me a hug and let me cry on his shoulder, he said
“youngest will realise how good he's got it at home when reality
sets in and promise me that you will only allow him back home on the
condition that he's forced to read a book on cancer I've read that
changed my mind set”
Paul
of Gheel sent me a text 6.42pm “ Hi, just to update you, gave stuff
to youngest, pleased with that. No meet with Consultant went ahead,
hoping it will be tomorrow, seemed settled enough. Cheers Paul”
Youngest
rang eldest from the hospital land line after ignoring all my eldests
texts to him asking him how he was. He instructed eldest to make a
list of what he needs, a green pen and a black ink pen, his black
mole skin journal book, USB charger, sockets for his phone and his I
pod, plus phone credit plus food “I cannot eat hospital food”
that part got my temper up, he watched me make meals for 10 days and
ate only one meal just because he knew it pissed me off. Eldest said
“tell mum yourself” youngest said “no, not speaking to her”
He said “a social worker will decide tomorrow where I will live”
eldest asked him “are they are treating you okay where you are”
he replied “yes except for the gate keeper who was just nasty to
me” eldest asked him “why” youngest said “it's a long story”
but did not explain further.
Eldest
said after he came off the phone “I believe the shock of him living
alone or with authority breathing down his neck will have him want to
come home” He said “we can go to the hospital with the stuff he
needs and then I want to go to town and buy him the book I want him
to read” I just nodded. We're both so tired and eldest now has a
temperature, his face is swollen, his abscess is killing him, he said
“my ear keeps hissing” He went to bed at 7pm. I sent my lovely
friend C and my friend emails then went to bed.
16th
February
I'm
up at 6am. I rang the hospital “youngest is fine, slept well, is
settled and quiet”
Eldest
did not get up till 10am, his face was so badly swollen, I told him
“you're definitely going to a dentist today” He said “no all I
need is anti biotics” I rang the doctor and ordered them for him.
I
bought youngest food, cold chicken and packets of rice, haribo sweets
and diet coke from Tesco and €20 credit for his phone and sent to
the psych unit by taxi.
R
the solicitor rang me. She was horrified to hear what's been
happening at the house after I told her everything. She said “I
chatted to Mary McNutt who said getting the boys private
accommodation and supports would be very difficult as youngest has no
income so cannot be put on the housing list with DCC and I told Mary
that's not true as DCC and the Community Welfare Officer have a legal
obligation to provide them both with alternative accommodating for
their unique needs. I am going to talk to C K, the housing legal
officer at the Law Centre to send off clarification to Mary McNutt
and I've advised Mary McNutt that youngest gets a solicitor to push
for housing for him” She said “I am worried that you're still
left alone with no supports and especially with going thru this very
difficult time because none of this can be good for your health at
all”
A
letter arrived from Geraldine Murphy saying “follow up meeting on
28th
Feb at the Health Centre to discuss future care needs and plans for
your sons. It is important to have a discussion in light of recent
events regarding the boys housing application and subsequent events.
Important that we have this meeting, I will be grateful if you let
Edel from Gheel know if date and time is suitable”
I
rang Geraldine Murphy and went ballistic at her and to give her, her
due she took it all with no argument for which she has my slight
admiration but why in God’s name leave me to get to that state.
I
said “I am 3 years in Dublin after another County failed us so
miserably and the stress nearly killed me with a severe asthma
attack. I immediately let Gheel know who we were in April 2009. I
introduced myself to Carol Doolan and provided both Gheel and Carol
Doolan with Dr Shah’s report and immediate recommendations. Carol
Doolan had the brass neck to ask me if it was an HSE report, when it
was clearly written that the other County's HSE had requested Dr
Shah's experience and expertise. The CEO of Gheel Peter Byrne told me
we had to get on Dublin’s database and that was back in 2009 and
I've just found out from a Gheel outreach support worker that no
funding has been provided and sod all has been done by any of you and
now look at the state of my family” I said “you all make me sick,
pretending to care but where are you all, not one of you at my door,
not one of you calling to even ask how I'm coping, to ask how my
youngest is, to ask how my eldest is coping, not one offer of
services, support or help, my own baby ripping his own flesh apart
with razors and how the hell are we to cope when he does get thrown
out of the hospital when the bloody Psychiatric hospital tried to get
rid of him at midnight telling me he was okay. All my youngest does
is post on the world wide web how much he hates his own mother, I am
the only person in the world who loves him and cares about him, I'm
in this mess because of no supports and no help and no services, why
have you all left me to cope with this alone” Geraldine Murphy
said “come along to an informal meeting and have a cup of tea, the
problem is there's no funding and DCC are refusing to put the boys on
the housing list because they are housed with you” I said “it can
be appealed because the Community Welfare Officer and DCC have a
legal obligation to provide my sons with housing specific for their
special needs” Geraldine Murphy said “I didn't know this” I
said “well you should do because it was all told to Mary Mc Nutt
the Social Worker by R the solicitor” She asked me “consider
coming along to a meeting” I didn't get any clarification about
funding apart from being told about no housing funding. I'm so
fucking messed up in the head with stress I cannot think straight.
She
said “I'm really sorry for all you're going thru, it comes down to
no funding, it's specialised housing the boys need which Gheel can
provide but we have no funding to pay for it” I told her “that's
wrong because Gheel have told me often enough that they only house
people with Autism not Aspergers but Gheel did say they find
apartments and supply support staff for people with Aspergers that
need support” I said “my youngest told the hospital staff that
he did this to get supports and services yet all you're doing is
holding bloody meetings” She said “Edel from Gheel and Mary
McNutt have been working with youngest” I said “Mary McNutt went
to the council with him, how is that working with him” She said “if
we could meet up for a cup of tea we could surely come up with
something, it won't be a formal meeting” I said “I couldn't care
less what kind of meeting it will be because I'm not mentally or
physically able to attend anything and I'm horrified that my son did
this twice and no help is at my door, no one cares about my anguish
or my eldests thru all of this mess” She told me “rest as much
as you can and call me at any time”
Letters
come to the house addressed to my eldest and youngest which had their
names wrong. Eldest opened his, DCC have refused him housing because
he's already been housed due to his disability so his application's
been refused. I'm fuming, he couldn't care less. For the record I was
not housed because of my eldests disability so that's pure shite, I
was housed because I lived with a Women's Refuge and they got us
rehoused. I wanted to stay in that refuge for as long as I could
because I had supports there but after my eldest and the knife and
the 4 hour siege we were moved as fast as greyhounds out of a fucking
trap.
Eldest
said his friend Paul is back in touch with him again so he ain't
bothered about anything at all.
Up
to the GP. There was a huge queue of people at the doctors. I had to
wait so I could get anti biotics for my eldests painful mouth. I got
it from the chemist in liquid form so he could swallow it as the poor
soul can hardly open his mouth any more.
Did
a quick shop in Tesco, got my youngest diet coke, pepperami, three
packets of rice, bread sticks, haribo and wham sweets then asked the
taxi driver to run me home then go to the Psych Unit for me to
deliver what I'd bought for my youngest. I put youngest name and
ward on an envelope for the taxi driver, he charged me €25.
Eldest
was in bed when I got back, his face was swollen to twice it's size,
I gave him the anti biotic, he said he was staying in bed.
Letter
from Carers Allowance arrived, they want proof of 6 months of bank
statements, proof of my €25 Prize Bonds, a recent valuation of the
family home, credit union statements and any maintenance orders and
maintenance payments, which annoyed me hugely because I'm still
getting nothing from that wanker.
I've
turned into a real bad tempered bitch, never in my life have I ever
been or felt this way, fending darts of poisonous lies continually
would do that to a person. I'm not taking this lying down. They are
all going to be dealt with as soon as I can get some peace of mind.
17th
February
I
woke up at 6am, I checked youngests blog and face book, he's not
posted anything. I hope he's okay. I want my son back and not this
stranger who talks to me the way he does and treats me like shit. I
love my son but I detest this stranger he has become. I rang the
hospital, they said “he is fine, he's still asleep” Not a word
from him about the €20 I sent up, the food I've sent in, the
groceries I've bought him and sent by taxi, not one word. I do
realise I'm enabling him but I don't know how to stop. I know what
it's like to have no one in the world and to go it alone. I expect I
don't want him to know what that's really like. I know too that I'm a
fool, I should have drawn a line in the sand many years ago with them
both, no one else would have put up with this.
I
bought more stuff for youngest from Tesco and sent by taxi to the
psych unit.
Deirdre
from Gheel rang me “youngest is okay, he's anxious about the
meeting because it didn't go ahead today as he was told it would do.
He's full of mixed emotions because he does want contact with you but
he finds it hard to handle, Gheel can act as a go between” I told
her “I'm having to send food for him by taxi and it's costing me a
fortune because he's not eating what the psych unit dish up” she
said “he would soon eat it if you did not provide anything and I'm
shocked that he's doing that knowing how tight your finances are”
I said “youngest like eldest only thinks of himself, his wants and
his needs” I told her about “the solicitor telling Mary McNutt
who to talk to at the Law Centre because the boys are legally
entitled to housing of their own and the woman at the Law Centre will
tell Mary that” Deirdre said “that's great, I've just left a
voice mail for her so I hope Mary McNutt gets back to me with good
news re accommodation for the boys” She said “youngest is now on
new medication” She told me “make sure you mind yourself”
Eldest
said he was feeling much better now he'd taken the anti biotics and
the swelling's gone down a bit so he can eat a little bit again. I'm
worried about his Tramadol intake tho, I had asked the Pharmacist and
got told he can take up to 4 a day, when I told eldest this he said
“that is shite, no one has taken my height and weight into
consideration”
I
asked eldest to send youngest a text to ask him how he is and if he
needed anything, no reply for an hour then this text was sent to my
eldest “Contact the family member and say they want to keep me in
for another week, not a word to Mother” He posted online “ They
want to keep me in till the end of next week, I am so fucking
disappointed and disgusted right now” That is youngest down to a
tee, he got what he fought for but he still isn't happy and now he's
looking for someone else to come to his rescue.
I
rang Paul at Gheel and told him what youngest was posting. He
said “I think he's just very bored, we're going to see if we can
get him a dongle so he has the internet because the problem is if he
just walks out of the hospital he has nowhere to go and poses a risk
of self harm”
I
told my eldest “youngest is a liar, no meeting has been held yet
and will not be held until 2pm because it was cancelled yesterday and
he will be informed after they've had the conference” Eldest asked
me “why is he lying” then answered his own question by saying
“for online attention”
What
the hell is wrong with my youngest, all his self harm and over doses
and threats got him exactly where he wanted to be and now he's there
it's not what he wants after all.
Edel
from Gheel rang, “me and Deirdre attended the meeting, they are not
talking about discharging him yet till the middle of next week. The
doctor feels that he's content enough in his own room there. He's
been linked into a social worker called T. B who will try and get
to know youngest over the next couple of days. Mary McNutt did not
attend because she's on annual leave. They are all trying to find him
accommodation. I have seen him and he's not at all happy, he's not
been informed of the outcome of the case conference yet, he is
telling me that he wants to leave now, he said he has to leave
because he has mock exams in school next week, I told him I think
that would be too stressful for him to even consider and I could
arrange to get his exams sent to the Psych Unit but he's adamant
that's not going to happen, he's now demanding I call a family member
for him but I told him if he wants to contact a family member then he
can do it himself and use the hospital phone, he was not happy about
me refusing to ring for him but he needs to realise that everyone is
not around just to do his bidding and he has to do these things for
himself, I fear he will have to learn the hard way” I told Edel “if he's there for much longer then you all might get to
see the real him and realise just how he is with me” Edel said “we
all do believe you Anne” She then said “he may just be bored
because he's in a room on his own and will not go to the canteen nor
talk to anyone else but I think he needs for the present to stay
where he is because he does pose a huge risk to himself” She said
“the Psychiatric nurse has already said on more than one occasion
that he has great manipulation skills” I told Edel “he's written
online that he's being forced to stay in the unit” Edel said “no
one has informed him of anything yet so how can he be writing
anything about it” I said “I know and I've told eldest this and
eldest and me are worried sick as to the outcome of all this” She
said “wait and see, he's in the best place for now” Edel then
spoke about the Psychiatrist Linda who rang me for the history the
first time my youngest did this to himself. She said “I was told
that you passed on a message for the Psychiatrist to tell youngest
that you love him and I think that wasn't a good idea because
youngest said he wanted no communication with you” I said “I
told the Psychiatrist no such thing and if I want to tell my son I
love him then I will tell him myself and I'm amazed at the Chinese
Whispers and how wrong people are at hearing what I say” I told
Edel exactly what I said to the Psychiatrist when she rang me for the
history. I said “I do love my son but I do not like him when he's
like this because I do not know who this person is at all and I hate
what he's doing to himself and what he says to me and I hate the
effect this has on me and my eldest, so no I didn't ask that anyone
tell my son I love him, I'm perfectly capable of telling him myself
and love is the last thing I feel at present after all his lies about
me and the way he's treated me so what you have been told is untrue”
Edel said “maybe I picked it up the wrong way” It looks like she
wasn't the only one to have picked it up wrong.
I
rang the Psych Unit and said “I want to know how my son is but he's
not to know that I've rang because all his anger and vitriol is
directed at me” the nurse who answered said “I'll go and check
his chart if you can hold on” She said “youngest said he started
feeling out of control the past 6 months” I said “I know the
exact date because he lives with me, he's my son and I know him
inside and out” I told her about the meet ups, the two girls S and
C, the people he met were self harmer’s and he'd never done
anything like this before meeting them, I told her about his late
night walks to a lagoon in St Ann's park alone, the nurse said “that
is shocking, he cannot possibly know how dangerous that place is at
night” I said “he does know because I've told him” She said
“he doesn't mix at all with the other patients and he always goes
to the canteen when it's nearly closing” I said “we've been told
by him that he cannot eat the food so I've been sending what he does
like” she said “he does go into the canteen to eat but only when
it's almost empty” I said “he was the same at school but this is
just his shyness, he doesn't talk to strangers and he doesn't like to
eat in front of people” She said “he's got a room on his own
which is highly unusual because everyone goes into a ward but I pop
my head round his door to see how he's doing and he's always busy
enough but then I'll find him sitting alone in the corridor in his
own world and he won't make eye contact” I said “he is probably
terrified out of his wits and he should have realised by now how good
his life at home was” She said “I believe he does realise that
he's not like the others here” I said “what he does is push me
away then finds a reason to pull me back in again on his terms with a
drama, a crisis, he needs help, he needs me to fight his corner for
him, it's become a habit with him” the nurse said “that is awful
manipulative behaviour, he will soon find out the hard way that it
will not always work” I told her “his father is exactly the
same” She said “it's okay for you as his mum to be there for him
emotionally but you need to put up boundaries and should start by not
meeting his demands for food and phone credit as he will never learn
to stand on his own two feet or know what it feels like to go without
and fend for himself, if you did not provide these things then he
would be forced to go into the canteen and eat dinner and not just
pudding” I told her “I cannot find the paracetamol he claimed he
had enough for a lethal overdose and I've gone thru all of his
bedroom” she said “we didn't find any on him either, are you sure
he actually had any because I think he's very manipulative” I said
“I fear for him if he does get a place to live on his own because
he may think he'll still have all these people dancing to his tune
but they won't” she said “supports will be put in place for him”
I said “I will believe it when I see it because I've been trying
to get supports and services for my other son since 2006”
18th
February
Shopping
at Tesco for youngest and sent by taxi to the psych unit. I rang the
hospital to find out how he was, I was told “he had a settled
night”
Paul
of Gheel rang, he said “youngest is still not happy, I've told him
to sit tight and we'll get him an internet dongle” he said “I
had to explain to the ward staff the risk youngest poses to himself
so they will not let him abscond”
I
rang Gheel and Patrick is on for the weekend, he said they got
youngest a dongle but he's not fully happy about staying in the unit
but they told him to sit tight at least till Monday. The staff have
been told not to let him abscond as they know it's serious what he's
been doing to himself and he will keep me posted.
We
got a taxi home from shopping and I asked the driver to take what I
got youngest down for for me. That is €40 phone credit I have
bought him in 3 days and I've lost count of what the extra food and
taxi's has cost me and the cab driver charged me €25 so I have €20
left and I nearly started crying, my eldest said “I have money so
use it” I said “I will only borrow it and pay it back to you”
he gave me €40. No rent or bills have been paid since all this
started. Not once has youngest used any of the credit I've bought him
to send me a text to say thank you for the credit, not once.
Eldest
is in a bad mood, he was snapping at me “youngest is only
contacting me to demand stuff” I said “off course he is and if I
get no please or thank you from now on, then you can tell him from me
that I refuse to be manipulated any more and he can try asking his
Tumblr friends for anything he wants or needs” Childish of me yes,
but for Christ sake I have experienced some shit and chaos and
disorder in my life time but this is beyond the pale. He's portrayed
me as a bitch, a whore, as a mother from hell, and as an abuser to
the world wide web and to all professionals both Gheel, social work,
psychiatrists, firemen, ambulance staff, hospital staff and I have to
read what his so called “friends” online are also commenting
about me and not one of them know me at all, all those frigging awful
libellous lies he's writing and I cannot defend myself because I
cannot post on his page directly. He is a disgrace.
Youngest
posted his conversation with a girl he's talking to on Tumblr, she
had written “I'm insane and looking for someone from Ireland who
needs to get away” she told youngest “we can be homeless
together” she's “Canadian and adopted” I'm disgusted that he
appears to be bragging about attempting suicide twice, he didn't say
online that he'd researched the safe limits of medication to take so
it wasn't a suicide attempt at all and he didn't take any medication
at all the second time, he wrote that he had enough for a lethal
overdose but no one has found any Paracetamol anywhere on him.
Eldest
said “I want to go and buy myself a new phone” I checked Tesco
online and the phone he wanted wasn't in stock. I said “give me
time to have a bath and get myself ready because my sleeping is up
the creek” within five minutes he was standing in my room fully
dressed with his suit jacket on him. I asked him “do you want to go
and check O2 for a phone” and he said “no, I don't know what I
want, I just want to go to Tesco with you and I'll push the trolley
for you and help you carry the bags” I rang a taxi to take us and
eldest was very quiet on the way up to Tesco, my heart sank, I did
not need his sulking scowling face with me today.
In
the back of the taxi I rang Gheel and Owen answered. I asked him “has
anyone spoken to youngest today” I got told “no but Patrick will
be on in a couple of hours” my eldest slapped me on the arm and I
nearly jumped out of my skin in fright. I asked him “what the hell
are you playing at” he said “get off the phone, the driver can
hear everything” I told him “be quiet, I will talk on the phone
when and where I like”
O2
did not have the phone my eldest wanted we walked round Tesco for a
quick shop and he started getting agitated. I said “every time we
stop just get your phone out and concentrate on that and that alone,
look around you and see how many other people are doing the same
thing” he said “okay” so he kept his phone in his hand and
concentrated on that. I knew If he blew up at me in public I will
never be seen again in public because I was on my last nerve. He
asked me “what are you doing” I said “I'm picking up some bits
for youngest” he started yelling at me “you're mad, I don't know
why you're bothering, stop getting youngest anything at all, he does
not deserve anything, he will not even appreciate it” I told him
“if I don't, no one else will, would you like to be sat where he is
unable to eat the food, no internet, no friend, no family” he said
“well it's his choice and no one else’s” I said “he's my son
and he may think he hates me but me treating him the same way is not
going to happen so save your breathe and let me shop in peace” He
said “you make me sick and you never listen to me so I'm going to
wait outside and you had better not be too long” and he walked out.
I saw him standing at the entrance to Tesco and breathed a sigh of
relief at having peace for a minute. I know I shouldn't be getting
what youngest is demanding but as his mother my instincts just kick
in. I could strangle my eldest for talking to me like that and for
slapping me on the arm in the taxi.
When
I was finished at the check out, eldest said “I just got a text from
youngest but I don't understand the delay because it says it was sent
at 10pm last night but I only just got the text now” the text said
“I need credit, food and accommodation” eldest sent him a text
asking “how are you feeling” youngest replied “don't know how
I'm feeling” eldest told me “his text about accommodation is
telling me that he wants to come home” I said “off course he
does but it's not going to happen whilst he's still in the same mind
set, and he's not coming home until he gets on the phone to me and
asks me himself because I've been thru more than enough now and I'm
not pussyfooting around either of you any more” I said “I've
been reading my old journals and I'm shocked at the crap I've been
taking from you both, the behaviour, the way you both talk to me and
talk about me, the way you both treat me, insult me, abuse me, how
would you like a percentage of any of that from me to you” Eldest
just kept saying “I know” I said “youngest may now realise
that all his Tumblr and online friends he keeps telling he loves are
not any kind of friend at all, that the grass is not greener on the
other side, that not one person is running into the psych unit to
visit him or supply him with anything except me, the very person he's
telling everyone that he doesn't want anywhere near him and he won't
allow me or you anywhere near him, this may be a huge wake up call
for him and make him realise I am not his enemy, but he has to
realise it for himself” eldest said “I know” again.
Eldest
didn't want any dinner, he made himself a sandwich, he said “I got
a text from youngest “need food and a chap-stick” I said “he
hasn't got a chance in hell of me getting him anything because not
one word have I had out of him for all I've sent to him, I haven't
had one reply to any texts I've sent so I'm not doing anything until
he comes to his senses” And I burst into tears. eldest said “I
want to send him a text to tell him mum has done nothing but cry her
eyes out over you and give you all you ask for even when you know she
doesn't have the money and still you write shit about her and slag
her off online” I said “don't bother because he doesn't and he
will not ever care”
19th
February
Eldest
asked me to call D Doc, he said “I feel so bad with Tramadol
withdrawal, I'm light headed, dizzy, my skin feels all leathery, I'm
scared it gets as bad as it did when I came off the Xanax” It was
unusual for him asking for a doctor so I rang one. The nurse I spoke
to said “I'm more worried about the amount of Tramadol because it
could cause liver damage” It never rains but it pours. Eldest
stayed in the living room waiting for the doctor, he went from
talking normally to me to being in a filthy mood in nano seconds.
D
Doc came at 11.20am and said “I've been told he's consumed 30
Tramadol in 24 hours” I said “that's nonsense, I told the nurse
he'd taken 20 to 30 over 4 days and he wouldn't listen to me when I
told him the pharmacist said he should be only taking up to 4 per
day” The doctor said “I have prescribed up to 8 a day for some
of my patients so I'd just advise him to drink plenty of fluids and
get a lot of rest” The doctor left. I thanked god I didn't need to
go to the hospital with him because I now hate those places.
20th
February
Got
up
at 6am, let my dog out the back door and the door was unlocked, I
must have forgot to lock it last night. I'd also left the window open
too then got the biggest shock of my life when I saw my oven was on
at 200 degrees since I made my eldests dinner at 5pm yesterday. Fuck
me, I'm losing all sense. I need to get some peace of mind and sleep.
I sent my friend a text, she said “I'm worried about you, it's a
break from everything you need, you may not have youngest in the
house but eldest is not helping matters with all going on with him
and I think you need respite urgently”
I
took my eldest to the emergency dental hospital. We arrived at
8.50am, he was so grumpy and miserable in the taxi that my hand
erupted in eczema. A lot of back and forth to the reception desk for
me but the staff were lovely, he got X-rays done. We were told he has
a flap of skin that had formed a pouch around his wisdom tooth and
has filled up with debris and bacteria, he coped better than me at
being out of the house and getting needles etc, he is on more anti
biotics. I was told he was on the wrong ones to start with. He was
nice as pie to all the staff he talked to, it is only me he is
miserable and angry with.
We
went home and eldest went off for a sleep. I lay down on my bed, I
don't know if I am coming or going any more.
The
duty Psychiatrist from the psych unit rang me at 4.50pm, he said “we
had a review meeting about youngest today but he discharged himself
at 2.30pm. I almost lost my mind, I said “my son has no one and has
nowhere to go, who saw him leave, how is he carrying his belongings
because all he has is plastic bags, why am I only being informed now”
The psych said “I've been in meetings and only just found out” I
completely lost my temper with him. He said “I will find out the
answers to your questions and call you back and I'll send Gheel a
fax”
I
was freaking out and in full blown panic mode. I had visions of my
youngest at the bottom of the Liffey. I was deranged with worry, I
rang Gheel almost screaming, Darragh Byrne answered and said “I'll
go to the psych unit straight away, it's on our door step” He rang
me back and said “he's still in his room and I'm going to find out
what the Psychiatrist is playing at calling you up and telling you
what he told you” My nerves were gone, I was shaking and feeling
terribly sick. Eldest was beside me trying to calm me down, he said
“I'm going to give youngest a piece of my mind” so he rang him
and put him on speaker phone so I could hear him, eldest was so
angry, he asked youngest “what the fuck do you think you're playing
at, have you not put mum thru enough now, are you taking the piss, do
you feel like a big man now, you should see the state mum is in, the
Psychiatrist just rang mum and told her you'd absconded with all your
belongings” youngest said “well I haven't because I'm still here
and I don't know anything about anything but will try and find out
and call you back”
He
rang his brother back within five minutes and said “I've spoken to
a nurse and the nurse said what you've been told is nonsense, no such
conversation took place at all with mum” I started yelling “I
want that nurses name and I want it now” youngest told eldest the
name of the nurse but I cannot for the life of me remember it now but
I rang the hospital up and asked for her by name. I got her on the
phone and I went mad, I told her “I am not deaf nor stupid nor am I
a liar and how dare you intimate such to my son, Dr Achmed rang me at
4.50pm and I wrote
down everything he said to me and he works in the right place because
he must be off his rocker not knowing where his patients are
and I want to speak to him now and I will be making a formal
complaint” she said “I'm only a nurse” I said “when did any
nurse ever tell their patient that what their mum said did not
happen, that “no such conversation took place” were your exact
words, how dare you make out to my son that I'm a liar” she said
“sorry, I will get Dr Achmed the Consultant to call you”
Dr
Achmed rang me, he said “sorry I made a mistake, youngest is a very
clean and tidy boy so I thought he had vacated the room, I didn't
know he was only in the toilet, the hospital are now discharging him
because we don't think he's any longer a risk to himself” I said
“no
sane person I know rips their arm open with razor blades”
How
in God’s name do these people have these jobs?
Darragh
Byrne of Gheel rang me, he said “I gave Dr Achmed a telling off for
the call he made to you about youngest leaving the hospital, I told
him he had no idea the stress he put on the mother and the hospital
now want to discharge youngest so can he come home” I said “not
unless he gets on the phone to me himself and asks me and he
apologises and promises never to do this again because I'm not
putting up with the non communication, the manipulation, the abuse or
his anger any more because I'm done in now” Darragh said “I
know” I said “if he cannot give me what I've just asked for then
he can go find his father and put him thru well deserved hell on
earth because I will not have it any longer and Gheel had now better
give me daily telephone support because when I say I cannot cope with
these two grown men of mine, I mean it because I'm beyond coping with
non stop drama and crisis, I need support, not promises but actual
support until all these expert appointments that have been told to me
are on their way regards my youngest actually materialise” Darragh
said “we will do so and I will tell youngest what you have just
said”
My
youngest rang me and asked “can I come home” I said “yes you
can but only if you give me your word that the drama, the abuse and
the cutting stops” he said “I've not been given medication but I
will try my best but I will find it hard because I have been doing it
for 6 months” I said “try is not good enough, you have all the
professionals wanting to help you, offering to help you and you need
to now accept the help” he said “okay” I said “ I have had
enough now, eldest has been ill with an abscess and I've had the
doctor out to him and had him at the dental hospital so I need no
more stress or drama and I'm under no illusion that you're returning
here because you want to, I know it's because you have no where else
to go but the drama stops now” he said “okay”
Darragh
rang me again, “he said “I've got a job to do first but I will
collect youngest and bring him home for you” I told my eldest and
he offered to help me clean up, he then held his arms out to offer me
a hug and I gladly and gratefully accepted. I was surprised at his
offer and so very grateful because I desperately needed that hug,
especially from my first born son.
Darragh
dropped youngest home at 6.50pm.
Youngest
handed me Guylian chocolates and a bouquet of roses, he hugged me and
said “sorry I forgot your birthday and sorry I dun goofed again”
I said “I don't need these things and I know you're only here
because you have no place else to go but I just need my son back. I
will leave you in peace tonight but come tomorrow you should expect a
very long talk with me” he said “okay” He said “the hospital
have been giving me sleeping tablets for the past week” so I give
him one of mine to take and told him “we will go to the doctor for
medication when you're ready to go out and see him” He said “I
need to get that done tomorrow” eldest bought a pizza so I told
youngest to go and eat something and I sent Darragh a thank you text.
22nd
February
I
woke up at 5am. I had house rules running in my head that I wanted my
sons to adhere to until they both get re housed. I printed them out
so I could give them both a copy and then put a copy up on the
kitchen cupboard.
I
walked my dog around the block at 6.45am then got the bus to Tesco to
get eldest an electric toothbrush and a special mouth wash. Eldest
helped me put the shopping away when I got back. He's never done that
before so I'm so happy that he's helping me.
I
rang Darragh of Gheel at 8am to remind him “someone needs to be in
contact with youngest every day because I can't do this alone any
more, I'm hanging on by a thread and you need to keep contact with
him until he's rehoused. I found a razor blade in his room and don't
know what to do” Darragh said “a fax came thru from the psych
unit but all it said was why youngest was there, it doesn't give any
information about any medication so I will contact them and find out
what they gave him”
I
went into youngests bedroom and gave him a copy of the house rules
and said “you and eldest need to abide by them from now on until
you are both housed” He said “the sleeping tablet didn't work
because I was still awake at 2am and I'm not hungry” I told him
“I've rang Darragh and he's going to find out the name of the
medication you were put on so I can get them from the doctor for you”
He said “okay” then told me “I have a sore neck”
I
went for a lie down on top of my bed and sent my friend a text, she
replied “it's a disgrace he's just been sent home and has no
medication” she said “if you're making a complaint you can do it
on the HSE website and can complain about the psych unit not giving
any information to you, the mother” She said “it's not good
enough Gheel yet again just leaving you alone to cope after all the
stress you've had”
Darragh
of Gheel went to the psych unit and picked up a prescription for
youngest but I couldn't collect it because my GP needs to change it
to his prescription for me and he's closed.
At
4.22pm I rang the Psych Unit. I spoke to a Nurse called C and told
her “I'm furious with Dr Achmed” she said “I know, I heard a
rumble about things” I said “he's put my son on new medication
which doesn't deal with anxiety and if bloody Doctor Achmed is a
professional he should know that the first thing about Aspergers is
huge anxiety levels so why the hell did he take my youngest off his
old medication and give him new medication that doesn't deal with
anxiety” I said “my youngest has been sent home with no
paperwork about his discharge and no medication and he was anxious
about that the minute he stepped in the door and I'm making a
complaint” I asked “why were Gheel sent a fax about my son, they
are not acting as loco parentis, I am youngests mother, he's under
my roof and I have the right to know what's wrong with my son, I want
to know why they changed his medication, why they took him off anti
anxiety medication and what the hell do I do from here on in with
him. How can I help him when the person he is living with has not
been informed about anything, me or my youngest should have been
given the paperwork, not Gheel because it will be me going up to the
family doctor about youngest, no one else will” She was
sympathetic, she said “I will make sure any paperwork is put in the
post for you immediately”
For
fuck sake, there is not an ounce of fucking sense in any of them,
they should all be fucking sacked.
At
4.30pm I rang Gheel, L answered the phone, I asked to speak to
someone I knew, Deirdre, Paul or Darragh she said “Darragh must be
out so you can call his mobile” I said “I can't, I'm on a very
low income and can't afford phone credit” She said “I will get
him to call you” I said “I don't want any call, it's my son who
needs the call because he's just out of a psych unit and come home
with no medication and the prescription Darragh collected from the
psych unit is not medication that deals with anxiety and my son is
anxious and only just in the door” She said “I will call Darragh
and let him know”
I
heard my youngest talking on the phone, I'm hoping it's Gheel and
that they call him everyday as they promised to do because I really
cannot carry this load another day solo.
Email
from youngest to me about medication he needs for anxiety and
depression
Medication
options:
- 1: Medication that works on both Anxiety and Depression- Zoloft or Paxil - these apparently treat both disorders.
- 2: Combination treatment of both SSRI (for anxiety or depression) and a non-SSRI drug [(to treat that which the SSRI fails to do) (i.e., Lexapro + non-SSRI for depression OR Prozac + non-SSRI for Anxiety).The main non-SSRI anti-anxiety+depression drug I've seen are MAOIs (Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors) e.g., Phonelzine.
So
why has the hospital, Gheel or the Psych unit not dealt with this. I
am no doctor or Autism expert or psychiatrist but even I know that
he's clearly ill both with anxiety because of Autism and now with a
mental illness and they have just sent him home and left him un
medicated in my care and not one of them gives a shit. The useless
bastards.
23rd
February
On
the bus at 9am to Tesco then to the doctor, I took my youngests email
with me to show him. I had to wait for 2 hours, everyone else was
going mental at the delay of the doctor arriving.
The
GP gave me 50mg of Lustral for three days and 100mg of Lustral for
the rest of the month and also Stilnoct, the doctor said “do not
give them all to him” I said “off course not, do you think I'm
stupid” The doctor said “if youngest is not happy with the
Lustral then he will have to go and speak to the Psychiatrist himself
for anything different” I said “it should have already been done
by the psych in the unit” and told him about the idiot Dr Achmed
ringing me and telling me “youngest had absconded” The doctor
said “everyone makes mistakes” and I erupted at hearing that. I
said “far too many bloody mistakes have been made with my kids by
me and by professionals and they had better stop now because I'm not
taking it any more, you should all get your fingers out and act
responsibly because you chose your careers, my son did not choose to
be born this way and you all have a duty of care to help him” The
doctor changed the subject telling me “I think youngest has become
a bit of a layman expert but he should realise that this does not
make him a doctor” he said “I really feel for you and don't know
how you cope” I told him “I'm not coping, I'm lurching thru life
day by day” and my eyes filled with tears but I warned him “do not
even think of prescribing me anti depressants because I'm not
depressed” He laughed and told me to take care.
Into
the chemist and the wrong GMS number was on their file for youngest.
I had to ring eldest to wake youngest up to read out his GMS number
from his medical card.
Nothing,
not one thing goes right or is simple. I missed the bus home and had
to wait for half an hour and didn't get home till 12 noon, that took
me 3 hours since leaving the house. I was so cold and tired.
I
took the meds up to my youngest and told him what the GP said and
told him I'm not to give him the meds but will give them to him every
day myself. He took one. He said he couldn't find his computer mouse,
I said I would pick him one up when I went out to buy my eldest I
tunes vouchers for his birthday. I asked youngest if Gheel had
contacted him today, he said no. I am disgusted with them.
I
asked youngest before I went out “what kind of computer mouse do
you want” he said “you must have taken it” I told him
“nonsense, if I had it I would give it back to you” My scalp
then prickled, that seems to be my new antenna these days, my new gut
instinct because my guts have had enough of me lately. I immediately
went on red alert, I asked him “do you have anything in your room
to hurt yourself with” he hid his face in his hands and he was
smiling, my blood turned cold, he wouldn't answer me, I said “you
have one second to answer me and you smiling tells me you do have
something and you're treating this like a game and I'm not having any
mind games from you, I've had enough of them” he admitted then “I
do have a blade and I will get rid of it when I feel ready to do so
and you should trust me and take my word for it” I said “I do not
have to do anything of the sort and no I do not and will not trust
you after all you have done recently” he shouted at me “I do not
want to have this conversation, get out of my room” I called for my
eldest and youngest was now screaming “why is an adult telling a
child” I said “you need to bin that blade now or I will have to
call the Garda” he again said “I will get rid of it when I'm
ready to” then said “give me my Swiss army knife so I can do my
cuticles” I said “do you think I am mad, there's no chance your
getting that back”
I
walked downstairs, stressed and worried out of mind. I sent Gheel a
text at 3.16pm “I need someone to call me ASAP”
Darragh
Byrne rang me at 4pm, I told him “youngest has admitted to having a
blade in his room and he will not hand it over or throw it out and
I'm going to lose it because I cannot go thru the fear of this, if he
has it, he could use it, and I can't go thru it again” Darragh
said “youngest said in the car on the way back from the psych unit
that he was going back to school to do his mock exams then his
Leaving Cert then he will apply to a college for a Media Studies
course” I said “that is all good but he has a bloody blade in
his room at this present time and I cannot see his arm slashed again,
I cannot do any of this on my own any more, no one calls, no one
cares and if he continues to put me thru this level of fear and
terror then I'm afraid I will be the one who grabs a bloody razor and
rips my flesh open and see how he reacts because I believe it will be
the only thing that will shock some sense into him” Darragh after
being quiet for a minute said “I will call him”
Darragh
rang. He said “I've rang him 3 times but he didn't answer” I
went to check on him and his bedroom door was open and he was now
dressed and sitting on the floor on his laptop, he'd heard every word
I said on the phone. I told him “ring Darragh now or get him to
phone you because if you don't, you can leave my house” He said
“okay”. I was shaking like a leaf, it felt like a brick was
lodged in my throat and a heavy weight was sitting on my chest.
I
got the hoover out and started cleaning. I had already cleaned this
morning. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing any more. I just know
I need to be doing something.
My
phone rang, it was Darragh Byrne, he said “youngest on talking
about you was referring to you in third person speak saying the other
person said this and that and he told me he's not going to use the
blade so the other person needs to trust him and take his word for
it” Darragh said “he's referring to the blade as a tool, his bit
of power, he said his meds have not kicked in yet” Darragh said “I
told him he could end up in hospital or the psych unit again and
reminded him how bored out of his mind he was” he said “he is
claiming no one is helping him re housing and that he's not being
listened to and the other person cannot comprehend or listen and
doesn't want to listen” I said “it all has to stop and stop now”
Darragh said “all the focus has been on the boys and it's not fair
because you appear to have no one in your life” he asked “have
you any friends to go to” I told him “no, living this life means
I have no one, I make friends very easily but cannot continue
friendships as people expect me to socialise and I do not because I
don't have the funds to do so but none of that matters because it's
help I need now, at this minute, I need help to cope and if it was me
ripping my arm open with a razor and still had a blade on me then I'm
sure I would be carted away to St Ita's and sectioned as mental so
how the hell is my son doing it yet no one is treating it as separate
to Aspergers, the world has gone fucking mad in my view, no one has
rang me, the community mental health team have not been in touch with
him, I've had to chase you lot up continually despite all promises
that you would daily ring my youngest, I write everything down, I
record everything and I will send to every bugger I can think of
because it's not humanely possible for me to cope alone any more”
I said “I have to get out of this house now or I will go insane”
he asked me “where are going to go” I said “ I don't know but
I need to get out, I have to go, goodbye” and I hung up.
I
will never find the correct words to describe the feelings I had of
abject fear at that moment in time. In your minds eye you live and re
live all prior happenings and in that moment of fear you react as
humans have done since the cave era. Fight or flight.
I
left my bedroom saying fuck, fuck, fuck fuck out loud as I went down
the stairs, I couldn't take this, it was far too much for one parent,
far too much for me, I was sobbing and could not catch my breath. I
ended up pacing back and forth in the living room. I watched kids go
past my window coming home from school and I wanted that life, that
normal life, my kids coming home from school, their dinner on the
table waiting for them to come in and tell me all about their day,
like they always did after school, the way it used to be, the way it
should be, I want normal kids and a normal life, I want someone to
help me, it's not fair, it's not fucking fair.
I
heard my eldest in the toilet, he came in to me and asked me “are
you calling the Garda” I said “I don't know what to do because I
can't think straight and I need more time to think. I need to go to
Tesco” he offered to come with me, I said no because I remembered
it's his birthday tomorrow and I needed to get the I tunes voucher as
a gift for him. I was still pacing the floor, my eldest started doing
the same as me but he only had boxer shorts on, I told him to keep
away from the window or the neighbours would think we were nuts, me
pacing up and down like a demented woman covering miles going no
where and now eldest doing the same just with his boxers on, he
laughed. He told me that he wants a pizza, he called up to youngest
asking if he would like one, youngest roared “I'm on the phone”
when he got off the phone he came down the stairs still shouting.
Eldest said “I will punch him in the face and break his nose” I
told eldest “ignore him, I'm going out, I do not want to be
anywhere near youngest, he's freaking me out”
I
left the house to get the bus to go to Tesco.
Darragh
Byrne rang me as I walked to the bus stop. He said “I'm really
sorry you're going thru this alone, I feel impotent, I realise just
how hard it must be on you, how is eldest” I said “he just
threatened to punch youngest in the face and break his nose”
Darragh said “you all need to have some space” I said “I'd
have no problem having space except my son has ripped his arm open
twice in 5 days, he took an overdose, he threatened to take an
overdose of paracetamol and he's been in a psych unit and has just
told me that he has a fucking blade in his room so how the hell am I
going to have space knowing this and he's only been home for 2 days”
Darragh said “youngest does realise he has no other option but to
live with you at present and him holding on to the blade is his way
of having power and control” I said “my house, my rules and I do
not think anyone in their right mind would argue that it's not right
my son having a blade in his room after all he's done to himself I
asked “when is Edel back” he said “tomorrow” I said “thank
god and bye”
Got
shopping, bought eldest I tunes gift voucher for €50 and bought
youngest a wireless mouse. I was on auto pilot. I ordered the pizza
that eldest wanted, collected it and returned home. I didn't want to
but had to because like my youngest I also had no place else to go.
I
gave my eldest the birthday card and the €50 I tunes voucher, he
said “I do not want, use or need I tunes vouchers” I was gutted
at him saying that, I could have happily punched his fucking head off
his shoulders for saying that. I just wasted €50. I've had another
day from hell and he could not for one second even pretend to
appreciate it. Youngest said “thank you for the mouse” god only
knows why I bought it for him. I left them to it. I cleaned my
bedroom, I couldn't watch TV because I'd no concentration. I kept
seeing his arm all slashed and bleeding, I have the photo's he put
online saved on my laptop but my mind will not let me escape or
forget what he did to himself.
I wish I was dead.
Eldest's
20th birthday, I didn't know whether to even say Happy Birthday or
not when he got up because I didn't know how he would react, how
crazy is that.
I feel so sorry for my poor dog, she is being ignored as each crisis crushes me and leaves me unable to walk her as I normally would. I kept her in my room all night but she kept waking me up. I put the kettle on at 7am, eldest came down with his face like thunder. I said “good morning” he grunted “morning” at me, at least he replied and didn't tell me to fuck off. I went into the bath and he called to me thru the door about the BNP tweeting about Asians in Bradford grooming kids for abuse, he said “I'm disgusted about that, I feel physically sick about it” The I tunes vouchers I bought him are still in the kitchen, I'm still gutted. I have €50 to last me for a week now and nothing else has been paid.
I feel so sorry for my poor dog, she is being ignored as each crisis crushes me and leaves me unable to walk her as I normally would. I kept her in my room all night but she kept waking me up. I put the kettle on at 7am, eldest came down with his face like thunder. I said “good morning” he grunted “morning” at me, at least he replied and didn't tell me to fuck off. I went into the bath and he called to me thru the door about the BNP tweeting about Asians in Bradford grooming kids for abuse, he said “I'm disgusted about that, I feel physically sick about it” The I tunes vouchers I bought him are still in the kitchen, I'm still gutted. I have €50 to last me for a week now and nothing else has been paid.
Edel
from Gheel rang. She said “Darragh filled me in on everything and
I'm very concerned about you” she said “Michael McCreadie has
been told and he wants to meet you urgently because we don't think
you cannot carry on this way alone” She asked “how do you feel”
I said “I'm totally miserable” she said “I can hear it in your
voice and I'm going to come out and pick you up at 11.30am and take
you to Gheels office because you need to get out of that house and
the stress you're living with, everyone at Gheel are seriously
worried about you because the atmosphere must be suffocating you”
I
do not believe a word she has just said because if it were true they
would have all be knocking on the door to help since 2009.
I
sent my friend a text telling her where I'll be in case she rang me
and I don't answer because I know my friend would genuinely worry
about me.
Edel
from Gheel picked me up in her car. She said “I know the only time
you can be yourself is out of the house and Michael McCreadie is in
Gheels offices now and he's very worried about you because no one can
sustain the amount of stress you've had alone with no other supports
so he wants to meet you and try to help you”
She
took me into one of their houses that has office space and Michael
McCreadie came in. He asked “how are but I don't need to ask
because it's written all over your face” and I burst into tears.
He said “it's the toughest thing in the world to have two kids with
this condition in a family unit but more so because you don't have
any other avenue of support, you have been thru stress on top of
stress on top of stress and more recently crisis on top of crisis and
if you don't get you back you will be unable to cope with the next
crisis” I said “I can't cope now” he said “we are doing all
we can to get both boys alternative housing but it's you we're all
worried about” I told him about finding out my youngest still had
a razor in his room and his refusal to hand it over and I'm freaking
about it because I saw what damage he did to himself” Michael said
“it's because you love him that you get so stressed” I said
“youngest doesn't believe I love him yet he grew up with me telling
him every day and night that I love him, I used to have a mantra of
“night night, god bless, love you, sweet dreams” every single
night when I tucked him and his brother into bed and I told him every
single day “love you” so how he thinks I don't love him is alien
to me” Michael said “I can see that you're not getting a minute
to be yourself, I can see that you're chatty, friendly and gregarious
but you have to find space to be yourself in all of this” He said
“we will provide that and you need to ensure you get some kind of
outside of home life, the boys wont ever change, they cannot change,
this is them and how they'll always be, youngest has complex
emotional problems on top, imagine you are looking at the clouds in
the sky, no matter what you think or want you're unable to stop those
clouds moving across the sky, well it's the same with the boys, you
cannot stop what they do or how they are” I said “this is a
cruel life and a cruel condition and they were not like this when
they were younger, eldest always had behavioural problems but my
youngest was always an angel and we were so close till his early
teens but I put that down to hormones, I put that down to moving back
to Ireland, to his father ignoring him all his life, to his parents
marriage breakdown and to eldest but my youngest was never, ever like
this, I don't know where my youngest went to but this man living with
me is not my youngest, my youngest loved me, he was kind, thoughtful,
loving and caring” Michael McCreadie said “I'm amazed you didn't
know anything was wrong with youngest having Aspergers” I said “I
didn't see it at all, my youngest always had a reasonable and
plausible answer for everything, he dropped out of school, he was
terrified of the bullies and I witnessed that first hand because they
would even call out at me in the street, he was in casualty three
times over assaults that his old school brushed under the carpet as
accidents and I fought like a lion with that school for youngest, he
would not attend any school in Dublin because he said he didn't know
where we would end up living because we knew we would have to move
yet again, all these were reasonable answers from him because it was
true, so no, I never in a million years thought youngest had this,
only in the refuge house did various things start coming together but
I still didn't know” I told Michael of my reaction after Deirdre
of Gheel said he met the criteria “was likely to have” I said
“even then it didn't sink in” I told him of my reaction after
the GP filled in youngests medical form for disability and “I
howled in the street sitting on the wall outside DID and cursed like
a trooper” I then burst into sobbing tears, crying my eyes and
heart out and I know Edel was worried about me but she said “it's
good to do this in a safe environment and you need to let it all out
as you have probably been holding it in all this time” I said “who
the fuck would have any other reaction to have given birth to two
healthy children and then find out late in their lives at age 15 and
age 18 that they are both Autistic and I'm the sole person who gets
heap upon heap of abuse and crap and drama. I cannot even say Happy
Birthday to eldest for fuck sake because for the past two years he's
had a bloody torrent of abuse for me then shuts down completely for
days or weeks at a time for fuck all reason” Michael said “no
matter what your boys throw your way it is indisputable that you have
been and still are the best parent you could have been but the only
one who can change things is you, you cannot allow yourself to sink
and I hope that the next time I see you that you have a plan of
action to do something for yourself” Edel said “we can look into
doing this and I will help you, I think you have been in such grief
about everything that's been happening since eldests diagnosis and
all the stress you've had to cope with since then, getting help for
him, separation from your ex, fighting for justice and not getting
any thru the courts, homelessness and ongoing poverty and isolation
when you're clearly a very social person with great strengths and
humour and then your baby's diagnosis, I know how close and
interactive youngest and you used to be, your sparring conversations,
that he was your little buddy, you probably went into automatic
denial because you had to cope with so much each day just getting
thru each day and now youngests self harm and overdose and threats of
overdose and his refusal to hand over his blade could be the thing
that tips you over the edge and that is why you need to focus on
yourself for a while, you deserve it and need it” Michael said “I
will meet up with you on a regular basis for a while”
None
of the above ever happened re meeting up with Michael McCreadie on a
regular basis.
Edel
from Gheel took me home. I saw Darragh Byrne as we were leaving and
said “thank you for yesterday”
I felt so drained when I got home I went to bed. Got up at 5pm, made dinner then eldest walked to the shop with me. Checked bank, no maintenance, sent the ex a text asking “how many court orders does one woman need re a dead beat, self pitying, twat of a so called father” I got a reply saying “no need for the abuse, I have no transport today, I will pay tomorrow and clear the arrears by next Friday” I was incensed and fired off a reply “There is every need, you owe me thousands, the court told you when to pay, you do not get to decide, it is court ordered” Another reply “sometime we have no choice, I have no money, how is ********” I immediately realised it wasn't him replying to my texts at all because even pond scum can spell their own name and would know what today's date is, my eldests birthday.
I felt so drained when I got home I went to bed. Got up at 5pm, made dinner then eldest walked to the shop with me. Checked bank, no maintenance, sent the ex a text asking “how many court orders does one woman need re a dead beat, self pitying, twat of a so called father” I got a reply saying “no need for the abuse, I have no transport today, I will pay tomorrow and clear the arrears by next Friday” I was incensed and fired off a reply “There is every need, you owe me thousands, the court told you when to pay, you do not get to decide, it is court ordered” Another reply “sometime we have no choice, I have no money, how is ********” I immediately realised it wasn't him replying to my texts at all because even pond scum can spell their own name and would know what today's date is, my eldests birthday.
Youngest
came down to me asking “can I have eldests I tunes vouchers” I
said “can I have your blade” he said “no” I said “you're
not getting the I tunes vouchers then” he said “you are a cunt”
I told him “think of something else to abuse me with because you
saying the same thing all the time is now seriously boring the head
of me” He left. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm not buying into
his lets fuck with mothers head till she's totally deranged any more.
I took him up a sleeping tablet and went to bed myself at 9pm.
25th
February
It's
a gorgeous morning outside. I've been awake since 5am, I took my dog
to the park at 6.30am. She had a great time running around catching
her ball, it's the only time she does what she's told, she can now on
command, sit, lie down, come here, wait, but the minute she sees
another person she pretends she doesn't understand a word out of me,
she is too friendly for her own good. I am glad I brought her out
because she has practically been housebound except walking to the
shop with me due to all the drama that has been going on.
Eldest
was up when I got back. I asked him if he wanted to go to the local
shop with me but I needed to go soon because the Rugby was on today
and warned him that I will be roaring later at the TV. He said he
would make sure he kept his head phones on and he will come out with
me but he needed to have a bath first.
I
started cleaning, youngest came down, I asked him “did you sleep
alright” he said “yes but I feel weird because of the sleeping
tablet, are you going to the shop, would you get me diet coke” I
asked “are you thinking of returning to school because I need to
inform them if you're going back” he said “I don't know (he
told Darragh he would go back) but I do not want the school to know
anything about me being in a psych unit” I said “you'll need to
make up your mind before the exams start”
Off
to the local shop with eldest, he didn't not want to come inside the
shop with me, he said he would sit on the bench with my dog beside
him. I went to the cash machine, no maintenance paid in, the lying
bastard said he would pay it today. I did a quick shop and eldest was
texting me asking “are you done yet” I hadn't been gone for five
minutes. I was at the check out and was texting him to let him know
how many were in front of me. I could feel my stress levels rising.
When I get out I waved at him to let him know I was out and he walked
towards me with my dog. I told him I was going into the chemist to
see if I could get him sunglasses because I thought he would cope
better wearing them outside but the chemist didn't have any. Eldest
said “I just want to go home” his breathing was heavy. I asked
him “are you okay” he said “yes, I just want to get back” I
was on hyper alert mode in case he blew up at me. It shouldn't be
like this. I'm a bag of nerves.
Youngest
isn't in good form at all, he's hardly been out of his room since he
got out of the psych unit. I don't try any longer to have
conversations with him and I miss them, I miss him and how he used to
be with me. We used to have great laughs. I just keep things
functional, I ask him if he's okay, I ask him if he's hungry, I ask
him if he wants or needs anything, I ask him if he wants his tablet,
I ask him if he slept okay. It's not natural to me but when he talks,
he only starts a row and that's the last thing I or he needs.
The
Rugby was brilliant, Ireland won.
26th
February
Eldest
and youngest are both in very strange moods. Eldest just says “I'm
tired and don't want to go out or go on a walk, I don't want to do
anything at all” Youngest tells me “I still feel weird, I feel
like I'm awake yet still asleep” I did not understand that at all,
I told him to go see the doctor. I made their dinner, they both said
thanks.
27th
February
I
met Edel from Gheel in Gheels office “for privacy, to blow off
steam” she had told me. I told her “I want to see my families
file now” she said “I will have to ask Andy McDonnell” I said
“Andy's in England, my file is here” she said “I will ask
Peter Byrne” I said “phone him now” she said “I know he's
at a meeting” She has an answer for everything that one. She said
“I will find out for you and let you know later” I said “my
youngest is in a very low mood again and the promised daily support
contact from Gheel has not happened at all, my youngest has not left
the house and he's hardly left his bedroom and no expert nor cavalry
has arrived to help him” She said “I will talk to the outreach
team and make sure youngest is contacted as of tomorrow” Edel said
“I would like you to meet me twice a week to make sure you get out
of the house and not just to run around after the boys” I said
“okay I will but I'm not happy or satisfied at the lack of contact
to my youngest from Gheel, I'm still having to do all the chasing up
for someone to contact him and no one has since last Thursday and
the psych who contacted me on 10th Jan said the community psych team
would be contacted as a matter of urgency to link in and help at home
with youngest but no one has contacted us at all and I've still had
no paperwork from the psych unit about my youngests stay with them”
Edel said “I will chase all that up”
I
was supposed to attend an urgent meeting with the Disability Manager
and Mary McNutt tomorrow at 4.30pm but Edel from Gheel rang me at
7.30pm to tell me “the meeting has been cancelled because Mary
McNutt is sick” I said “why is that stopping any meeting because
Mary McNutt has nothing to do with funding at all. I just need to see
Geraldine Murphy” Edel said “Geraldine left me a voice mail and
said she would personally call you tomorrow” She said “I've had
a word with all the outreach staff in Gheel re the breakdown of
communication with youngest and will make sure he's contacted as of
tomorrow, the breakdown of communication is because of all the
different staff on duty but I will make sure that I inform them all”
I said “my youngest has an appointment with the psychiatrist on
the 8th March and will need someone to go with him”
28th
February
No
Gheel support call to my youngest. I rang them twice myself. Darragh
Byrne from Gheel rang me at 11.20am. He said “I am so sorry, it
will not happen again and yes someone should be contacting youngest
every day and we will do from now on” I asked him “do you get fed
up telling the same old tales, that is why it's urgent for me to see
all and any files and our Family Support Plan. If two hospital visits
re overdosing and slashing an arm with a razor plus seven days in a
Psychiatric Unit does not constitute crisis support then I want to
know what does” Darragh said “it won’t happen again”
29th
February
Youngest
told me “I'm feeling a bit better, the sleeping tablets are
awesome, I'm contacting different people online and Skyping too”
It is wonderful to see him a bit lighter and brighter and more
chatty, more like himself.
I
should have realised everything with youngest is an act. I found out
he wrote online “Moving to London. Mum had better stop being an
antagonist and help me” What a prick he is.
Eldest
without my knowledge changed the password on the internet and changed
the settings from UPC to Kindle, that left me without the internet
for hours because he failed to let me know what he'd done. I'm
raging. I told him to sort it out and to never do that again because
I pay the bills.
Youngest
said “I will not be doing the mock exams because that will put too
much pressure on me” I've decided he can do what he likes, I'm not
rocking any boats.
1st
March
No
one from Gheel contacted youngest yet again. FFS.
11.38am
Geraldine Murphy rang me from the old disability manager, Carol
Doolan’s phone number that is still logged on my phone. I wondered
again why Edel from Gheel told me a year ago that because we moved it
meant we had to apply to the new Disability Manager with a new
Application yet here is the new disability manager calling me from
the old disability managers office. I sure have been fed a whole
pile of shit by them all and I still haven't a clue what Carol Doolan
signed off on re the family support package or funding because all
the times I've asked has been ignored since 2009. All I know for sure
is that Dr Shah, the real expert regarding my eldest did an extensive
Diagnostic Report and immediate Recommendations that Irish Autism
Action told me when I lived in the other County “the good news is
that whatever Dr Shah recommends the HSE have to commit to and get it
implemented and no one did anything about it. And Autism Services
told me “whatever Dr Shah has recommended all will have to abide
with it” No one did anything about it.
Geraldine
Murphy told me on the phone “if we get our four heads together we
should all come up with a plan of action as to how to support you and
suit your two sons needs” I said “it's easy enough, I want a
life of my own, at present I cannot have any knives in the house, I
cannot laugh at the TV, I cannot sing along to music, I cannot cry
because I get accused of having a breakdown and my own sons threaten
to get me sectioned, I cannot have any private telephone
conversations because they are above my head and hear all I say, my
life is not my own” She said “Mary McNutt will ring you with
the date of the new meeting” I said “Mary McNutt is a lovely
woman but I'm really annoyed with her because when she was at the
refuge housing case conference meeting back in 2010 after I'd been
assaulted by my son then chased out of my house with a huge carving
knife, Mary McNutt stated that they, the HSE would do all they could
to help then excused herself saying it was a disability matter”
Geraldine Murphy said “I didn't know Mary already knows the family”
I said “she doesn't because she did sod all” Geraldine Murphy
said “we shall all have a frank discussion and see what we can come
up with at the meeting we'll have” I said “the Psychiatrist told
me that she would contact PCT and Community Mental Health to give
support and this was said on the 10th February and to date
I've heard nothing, she said “we shall discuss all this at the
meeting but I have no date, we have to wait for Mary McNutt to
contact you”
Youngest
asked me “are you taking the dog out for a walk” I said “yes”
because I knew this meant he wanted to talk to me. We walked thru the
park, he said “I want to drop out of school, I have a college
interview in London on March the 18th” and I'll be fine
because the meds are great, I've been seeing all kinds of awesome
things. Darragh Byrne rang me yesterday, I told him I'm not going to
the Psychiatric appointment because I've got medication now but no
one from Gheel rang me today” He said “eldest is a cunt who
should be changing his life for himself” He said “you're not
really a cunt but what you say and do are cuntish things” I told
him “if you carry on disrespecting me then you can walk home
because I will not put up with it” He continued telling me “ you
have no ambition or vision but I have and I'm going to go to London
and will start a college course in September” I asked him “how
are you going to cope with college when you could not cope with
school and how are you going to pay your way when I don't get any
money from anywhere to keep you” he said “I'm not really worried
about money” I said “because you've always been provided with
anything you need by me but it's a different story to feed and put a
roof over your own head” he said “I will get a job then” I
said “it's a pity you didn't think of doing that for me because you
have watched the struggle and the poverty I've had to cope with”
he said “I didn't ask to be born did I” He told me “I began
self harming because I was curious about it, I knew others who were
doing it but I couldn't tell you about it or talk to you about it”
I said “you have no problem talking at me and having me on hand 24
hours a day running about doing your bidding and fighting your
battles for you with professionals, with the school, with the
bullies, he said “I didn't know what your reaction would be” I
said “what would your reaction be if it was your child” he said
“I don't know” I asked him “are you interested in my reaction
now” he said “yes” I told him “I'm horrified but I found
you help and I've spoken to professionals who deal with self harming
every day at Pieta House but you told me you weren't interested and I
was left petrified in case you killed yourself whether by accident or
design but all you did was blame me and shut me out and humiliate me
when all I ever wanted was to help you and for you to be happy”
I said “you may feel great on the medication now but that's not real because it's masking what's wrong with you and it's proper professional help you need for why you did it in the first place and to help you cope when you want to do it again” I said “it's great that you're looking forward to a future but you cannot keep running away from your problems, running away from help because all problems will always catch up with you eventually” He said “we all have different ways of coping, you cope by getting drunk and playing S Club 7” I said “are you completely mad, I have a naggin which has 4 drinks in it on a Friday night and that's well diluted with coke and the last time I played S Club 7 music was to make your mini movie for your 16th birthday and it's not your business what I do or listen to because I'm the parent and if you think I'm coping then you are very much mistaken” I switched myself off from him then because I didn't want to react any more. I let him rabbit on about college and all he was going to do. I made the appropriate noises because I didn't want to engage with him.
I said “you may feel great on the medication now but that's not real because it's masking what's wrong with you and it's proper professional help you need for why you did it in the first place and to help you cope when you want to do it again” I said “it's great that you're looking forward to a future but you cannot keep running away from your problems, running away from help because all problems will always catch up with you eventually” He said “we all have different ways of coping, you cope by getting drunk and playing S Club 7” I said “are you completely mad, I have a naggin which has 4 drinks in it on a Friday night and that's well diluted with coke and the last time I played S Club 7 music was to make your mini movie for your 16th birthday and it's not your business what I do or listen to because I'm the parent and if you think I'm coping then you are very much mistaken” I switched myself off from him then because I didn't want to react any more. I let him rabbit on about college and all he was going to do. I made the appropriate noises because I didn't want to engage with him.
4.40pm
Geraldine
Murphy the Disability Manager rang me again. “Mary McNutt is still
off sick
2rd
March
I
was up at 6am, in Tesco for 8am, I bought black jeans and a black tee
shirt for youngest.
Waiting
on Edel from Gheel to call me to see what time we are meeting up
today.
Youngest
came into the living room and handed me all his small blades, he said
“I do not need them any more” I was so surprised that I burst
into tears and he gave me a hug.
I
went out to meet Edel from Gheel at Gheel's office, it was such a
long walk. I have no recollection of my meeting with her. I feel weak
and quite ill. All I know is that she spoke to Geraldine Murphy.
Edel said “we will meet on Monday” I asked her for a copy of the
report the psych unit sent to them about my youngest by fax. It's a
bloody disgrace that I the mother did not get it, she said “I will
give to you on Monday”
I
checked my bank account, no figging maintenance has been paid.
Walked
my dog round the block with my youngest. Deirdre and Marlene from
Gheel went up to my youngests school and trained 30 staff about
Aspergers, a bit late in the day for my youngest but hopefully it
will help others.
3rd
March
I
woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a sledgehammer, I feel awful, I
had to go out to the shop and get milk because the boys used the last
of it whilst I was still asleep. I got youngest diet coke. Eldest was
awake when I got back, I told him I feel like death warmed up, he
said he has a bad stomach. I had to go and lie down, I am empty, I am
all out of energy.
When
I got up, I had to call for my youngest to help me down the stairs,
I'm feeling much worse, everything in my head and ears is going
whoosh. My youngest said “I'm worried about my shaking hands, I
think it could be Parkingson's Disease” I told him it's one of two
things, either anxiety or medication and it can be treated by the
doctor so I will get you an appointment”
Youngest
came into my bedroom at 1am, he'd forgotten to ask me for a sleeping
tablet so he was still awake. He's designing messenger bags online.
I
feel like I'm drugged up to the eyeballs but I'm not. I wish I could
shake off whatever this is because I feel so awful.
4th
March
I
couldn't get out of bed, it feels like I'm drugged up, like my
battery has run out. My body seems to have turned toxic with
arthritis and eczema. I slept on and off but had to drag myself out
of the house to go to the local shop to get shopping we need.
Youngest said he'd come with me. He said “I have no need to go to
college at all now because I have all skills and unique ideas for my
own online business and a media blog that I will get paid for”
I
rang T because I'm worried about my health and don't know what's
wrong with me but I do know this is not right and I'm scared. I feel
so ill and I feel so odd. T said “come down to me for a couple of
days” but with youngest so up and down and not long out of the
psych unit I couldn't.
5th
March
Edel
from Gheel rang. I told her “I'm feeling very ill, no energy,
totally drained” she said “it's natural after months of non stop
crisis” I reminded her “it's years, not months” she said
“stay in bed and rest” Great advice but I still have to shop and
cook for my son’s.
She
told me “don't contact the school about youngest dropping out so as
to leave that option open in case he changes his mind” I said “okay
but I know my son and once he's made his mind up then that is that”
She said “I will have someone on standby in case he changes his
mind about attending the Psychiatric appointment” She advised “you
should listen to your body and just sleep and rest as much as
possible”
Youngest
was sent a bill from the Psych hospital for €525. I nearly had
kittens but I've sorted it out now. But isn't it funny that they
could send a bill out quick enough to the mother's address but not my
son's fucking discharge paperwork.
Youngest
is visibly shaking with medication side effects but he won't go to
the doctor to change the meds or sort his symptoms out and he's
refusing to go to the psych appoint this Thursday.
At
4pm I asked youngest if he would go to the shop for me because I
couldn't hold my head up without getting dizzy and feeling faint. He
gave me a hug and I felt his whole body tremble because he was
shaking so badly. I knew I needed to get him to the doctor about it.
I begged him to keep the Psychiatric appointment to get proper meds
for his anxiety, he said” no because I like the sleeping tablets
just fine” He left and as he walked out of the door he said “love
you, bye” just like my son of old would always say, I was
delighted. He then said “I need a key to get back in so you can
stay in bed” my eldest wouldn't lend him his key so I gave
youngest mine and eldest erupted at me “Don't you dare give him
your key” I asked him “who the hell do you think you're talking
to, it's my house and I decide who has a key so go and get his house
key out of your room and give it back to him because no one will be
bullied or controlled by anyone under my roof” Eldest has the
major hump with me now which was the last thing I needed but Christ
almighty who the frig does he think he is.
Make
dinner at 6.30pm, told the boys I'm off duty and going to bed.
6th
March
Took
my dog out to the park at 6.45am. I was still in my PJ's which were
tucked into my boots and I had no mascara on. I don't care what I
look like any more. I must be ill.
Went
up to the GP and got youngest a sick note for school to cover him for
one month, it said stress on it.
Eldest
told me before I left for Tesco this morning “I want to cut all
wheat out of my diet and you have to check and double check
everything you buy to make sure no wheat is in anything” I said
“okay” but in my head I was telling him to piss off thinking if
that's what he wants to do he can bloody check for himself.
A
letter arrived from Carers Allowance, I was refused, what kind of
fucked up joke is that. The letter stated I can lodge an appeal
within 21 days but it took 5 days for the bloody letter to get to me
and I've no thinking energy in me. I emailed my friend and Edel from
Gheel to see if they could do anything to help me with it. I'm still
wiped out, smothered in eczema and my left ankle is bad with
arthritis again so I need this shit like a hole in the head.
8th
March
I
didn't manage to go to Tesco for my shopping until 9pm because I
slept on and off all day with this awful ill feeling. Waited for a
bus with youngest but none turned up so we had to walk, my ankle was
on fire with arthritis. Youngest said “I want to try CBT for help
with my problems” I asked him “what problems are they son” he
would not answer me as to what he believes his problems are.
9th
March
Did
not sleep much last night, I have far too many problems running
around my head.
- youngest told me “I want nothing more to do with Gheel, I'm sick of waiting on support and it doesn't arrive, they're a stressor to me” I said “you have to tell them this yourself” he said “I can't” I'm not happy with him for making this decision
- youngest “I want to try CBT because I have anger issues and other problems” I said “it could be hormonal” but he rejected all I said saying to me “you know nothing” I feel like I'm being mentally and emotionally drained by my sons and all their problems on a daily basis.
- youngest said “I have Social Avoidance Personality Disorder and Depression so I'm not returning to school at all and no one can make me” I said “that's a very childish comment to make, who diagnosed you with this new disorder, I want to see it for myself in black and white”
- youngest said “all I needs is €5,000 to set up my own business and I know it will be successful”
- I had to cancel meeting with Edel from Gheel because youngest has horrendous shaking due to the medication he's on and he's non stop jerking when he's asleep, it is breaking my heart to see my child like this.
- I'm having problems going it alone with my divorce.
- I'm covered in eczema, in places it's never been before. Arthritis has inflamed my ankle making walking very painful and slow.
- youngest refused to attend the Journalism interview I set up for him as he claimed “it's not what I want to do now”
- eldest is very unhappy his weight has gone up and he's putting me under pressure to get his new dietary requirements.
- No maintenance payments at all.
Geraldine
Murphy rang at 3.25pm “the new meeting date is the 26th”
10th
March
Youngest
said “I want to get my meds and life sorted out and in order”
He's been awake for 24 hours without any sleep at all. He said “I
will now see Michael McCreadie and Professor Fitzgerald to get meds
and CBT but no way am I going to see the Consultant Psychiatrist”
He went for a lie down. When I made dinner and called him there was
no answer so I went up to his room and he was fast asleep, the poor
soul's whole body was jerking like mad as he slept. I cried for him,
that's my baby and I'm at a loss as to how to help him or get help
for him.
The
lady from Cross care rang me. We had a long chat. I told her about
the carers rejection and I need to put in an appeal, she said she
would “talk to N about it as he does that all the time for carers”
11th
March
Email
from youngest:
Objectives: to identify and overcome current difficulties and to
return to normality, i.e., social, education, etc.-assess the
validity of "Borderline Personality traits". Medication
for: with minimal side effects: social anxiety, social avoidance
personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder and
depressive episodes/mood irregularity.
12th
March
Cancelled
my meeting with Edel from Gheel because I needed to see the GP about
youngests medication causing him to shake and jerk so badly even when
he's asleep. It's breaking my heart to see him like this.
N
rang. He said he would help me with my Carers appeal.
I
rang the maintenance recovery people to try and get my maintenance
out of the ex but they said “we cannot help you because you have
court orders, all you can do is take it back to court” I told the
woman I've been doing that for years and it does not work, its not
worth the bloody paper it's typed on.
Geraldine
Murphy the Disability Manager rang me 3.25pm, the meeting date is now
Monday 26th.
I asked her for a letter of support for my carers appeal because she
knows how hard and restrictive life is for me. She said “ask Edel
from Gheel for one” I said “I already have and now I'm asking
you” she said “I will ask Mary McNutt for a letter of support” So
no letter from you then Geraldine Murphy, you disgrace of a woman.
At
7pm Edel from Gheel rang “it's not good youngest is having such bad
side effects on the medication. I will talk to Peter about it” why,
I have no idea unless Gheels CEO Peter Byrne became a doctor without
me knowing overnight. She said “try and get youngest to agree to
see the Professor but he only works on a consultancy basis”
13th
March
I
woke up feeling really lousy again, just getting out of the bed was
such an effort. Youngest came to Tesco with me. All I want is my
bed.
I
applied for legal aid for my divorce because I haven't a clue what
I'm doing.
Youngest
said “I found colleges and course I want to do in Dublin, it's
Graphic Design and Photography but they're all fee paying” I told
him “you can do the same courses at normal colleges” He said “I
am not interested because if I pay for them, there will be a better
class of people attending” With that attitude, he'll get no where,
he needs to learn to accept people from all walks of life for what
they are and how they treat him and not for their money and the class
they come from.
14th
March
I
told my eldest “no one in this country gives a monkeys about us,
we're on our own and that's not going to change, how many meetings
can two agencies have in 3 years and still do nothing to help,
nothing to offer a service, supports, help, advice, not one person in
their so called caring career paths cares about us at all. You had
better cop on and start helping yourself before I drop dead with the
stress of it all” He said “okay”
I'm
getting eldest to walk round the block with me, why are the so called
experts not doing this, not thinking outside any box to help him.
I
asked youngest to come out a walk with me and I give him the same
speech I gave eldest and also said “do not to wait till you're down
a black hole and can no longer talk to anyone about anything, you
need to let me know the minute you starts going downhill so I can
help you” he said “okay”
15th
March
I
went back to my bed and slept on and off thru out the day again. I
just cannot shake off whatever it is I have that's making me feel so
lousy and ill and tired.
Mock
exams were delivered to the house by the school today but youngest
wouldn't even open them.
16th
March
A
parcel delivered for me with a “Love Actually” DVD and a huge
Mothers Day card from T and a Granny card from her child. I am
thrilled to bits at her kindness.
Youngest
said “I'm not doing the mock exams, I want to do a Sound
Engineering course costing €250 for 5 days in July” I thought if
I had the money to pay for what he wants to do then he would only
come up with an excuse of not doing it. He added to his list of
courses that he wants to do “Japanese, Digital Marketing, Audio and
Visual Post Production”
17th
March
Paddy's
Day today, it feels like the whole country/world is out celebrating.
I watched the parade on TV. I'm fed up with being so alone in this
world.
18th
March
Mothers
Day. Youngest made me a card “Happy Mothers Day and thank you for
everything, love from youngest and eldest” and he wrote me a poem
“ Struggle
against the binding blood, it holds me back, emotions flood.
And
memories of time ago, of greenery and falling snow.
And
frigid, frozen houses with peeling walls,the sitting chair,
crocheting shawls.
Assembling
sockets for festive cheer, It's only one day but you worked all year.
It's
meaningless now as I do fear, one day this will all disappear.
Leaving
only memories of times ago, of greenery and fallen snow.
The
talent my youngest has is astounding, he made me cry with pride, he
made me feel so proud, so very proud of him. He will be famous for
his poetry one day. He got €50 from eldest to give to me but I used
it to buy shopping because I'm so skint. Youngest walked to local
shop with me, telling me again about all the course he wants to do.
19th
March
Bank
Holiday. I am so bored and lonely.
20th
March
A
letter arrived from Mary McNutt the Social Worker in support of my
carers appeal, she'd written “domestic abuse” on it. I read the
letter out to Edel from Gheel over the phone, I said “I will swing
for that fucking woman, how dare she write lies about me on an
official letter” Edel said “she is probably referring to
something else” I said “she had better bloody clarify it quickly
then because I'm not having lies and an accusation like that on an
official letter” I tried calling Mary Mc Nutt but she wasn't in
her office. Edel told me “youngest can see the Professor at the end
of the month”
21st
March
Eldest
has his big sulky head on him and is sneering instead of talking, he
said 1'm not going to eat any more carbs because my weight is still
going up” He is a pain in my arse. Youngest is following me around
the house, yapping non stop about courses he wants to do, he found
more and has written them all down and even worked out a time table
for them all.
Mrs
S from youngests school rang me “I want to register youngest for
the Leaving Cert exams, he is well able to do them, he has such a
good brain on him” I said “he's thinking about dropping out of
school” she said “if he's registered anyway and changes his mind
he can sit them and if he wants to sit the exams in a coal shed then
he can, it's up to him, no pressure” She made me laugh. I wish he
would change his mind about taking his exams, he could do anything
once he has them under his belt.
Youngest
did the dishes for me and took my dog a walk round the block for me
too. I am thrilled that he thought about me, this is my son of old
and I love him.
I
have bills coming out of my hole, I am struggling to get back on
track with only one income and all the expense of youngest being in
the psych unit. I had to pay out €172 for rent and bills out of my
income of €204. I cannot perform miracles.
22nd
March
Eldest
was in the living room reading when I got up at 6.30am, he said
“something's died on my computer, I need you to go out and put
money on my 3V card”
Letter
from Mrs S from youngests school asking me to pay €116 to get
youngest registered for school exams. Shit! I had to sit youngest
down and have chat with him about it, he was adamant “I'm not doing
any exams, I just want to do the courses I've been telling you about”
23rd
March
Fuck
it, still not had a penny in maintenance. The scum did not reply to
my text. I need to get him back into court.
24th
March
youngest
said “I need new pens” they cost me €11, why he can't use the
pens I have is beyond me because I have a bloody drawer full of pens.
Arranged
with the GP to have youngests prescription sent to the chemist they
always use, when I got to the chemist the prescription wasn't there.
I went into free fall with worry at the thought of going home empty
handed. The pharmacist said “I can give you a couple of tablets to
tide youngest over for the weekend” thank god.
I'm
worried about youngest as he appears down again. I tried talking to
him but he said “I was awake till 6am so I'm just tired” I know
him better than that and I know he's down in the dumps again. I gave
him a sleeping tablet to take tonight so he could get a sleep and
asked him “try and stay awake or you will never get back into a
proper sleep pattern”
Eldest
said “when you're going out for a walk I will come with you” when
I was ready to go he said “no I don't want to go because I'm angry
my computer isn't working and I'm now reading” Youngest came out
with me instead. I told him “don't wait till you get so low that
you cannot talk about how you feel because I can help you before you
go down a black hole” He did some chatting about his courses. He
told me his “mood has changed because of his of lack of sleep” I
think I know him better than he knows himself because I can sense his
mood is very low.
26th
March
Went
up to the GP so I could get youngests meds of Seretral 100mg and
Stilnoct 10mg. The receptionist said “you will need a psychiatric
prescription before I can supply them on a GP prescription” I said
“that's nonsense because the doctor already gave a months supply
and it should be on youngests record” She told me to “come back
when the doctor is here” What a waste of my time because I needed
to get a bus to the GP and then back again so I had to walk the
streets till the doctor got back.
I
met Edel from Gheel to go and see Geraldine Murphy and Mary McNutt. Edel
from Gheel asked me “are you worried about it” I said “why in
God's name would I be worried, I'm not worried in the least, no one
worries me except my own children”
Into
the meeting with Geraldine Murphy and Mary McNutt, only tea,
biscuits and sympathy provided. I asked Mary McNutt to
“explain the Domestic Violence paragraph you mentioned on your
letter of support for carers” she said “I was referring to what
eldest has done, it's to explain what you have to go thru” I said
“it's not relevant for the Carers people to know any of it” she
said “I wanted them to know how difficult life was without going
into too much detail” I said “it does not read
that way to me” she offered to write another letter. I was told
again “there is no funding nor housing for your sons” I asked
her if she had spoken “to the solicitor who stated my sons have a
legal entitlement to housing for their needs” I again explained “I
need services and supports and help for us all, I could cope if these
were provided and it's because they are not provided that I cannot
cope” We are to meet again in May, what a waste of bloody time.
Edel
from Gheel suggested “we go back to telephone chats when needed as
things are bit calmer now” I had just said at the meeting I need
services, supports and help. I feel bereft and abandoned.
Back
to the doctor. I had to sit and wait for 90 minutes. The doctor
hadn't a clue why I was there and he seemed confused because he asked
me “do both your sons have Aspergers” I had not an ounce of
patience left in me at all any more. I reminded him “I was told
that youngests prescription would be left in the chemist for me to
collect but it wasn't and it wasted my time and put me thru stress I
didn't need or want, you prescribed youngest the meds that your
receptionist is now declaring needs a psychiatrist to prescribe and I
was up here at 9am and now I've just had to wait for one and a half
hours and I'm thoroughly pissed off and why are you quizzing me about
both my sons having Aspergers because you wrote out my youngests
medical report” He did not say anything in reply at all, he just
wrote out youngests prescription for me.
Eldest's
computer parts arrived. I hope that puts a smile on his miserable
face.
Went
to St Ann's park with youngest and my dog. Posted off documents for
youngests Disability appeal.
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text “the appointment with Professor
Fitzgerald for youngest is on Thursday at 3.30pm, Paul will collect
him at 3pm” Youngest seemed happy enough when I told him.
27th
March
Up
at 6.30am. Youngest was awake too, he said “I've been awake all
night” he then lay in his bed for most of the day, he seems to
have no interest in anything. I told him at 5.30pm I was going for a
walk, he said he would come with me. I so wanted to put my arms
around him because he looked so sad but I didn't know what his
reaction would be. I can see my boy slipping away from me again.
28th
March
Eldest
said he wanted to come up to Tesco with me, he took 6 Xanax and was
as high as a kite. I got his money from the post office and asked him
if he wanted it or should I bank it in the credit union, he said “I
want it in my wallet but you'd better not to give to me in front of
anyone because that would be embarrassing for me”
Youngest
didn't get out of his bed till 5.30pm, he's keeping to himself again
more and more.
I'm just waiting on the fall out now and dreading it because it will all come down on my head like a tonne of bricks but Edel from Gheel will not listen to me when I told her, she just keeps telling me “you should not be worrying about what's not happened yet”
I hope every single one of these idiots one day have to live and cope with what I have to, they would all soon shift their arses. My son is going to bloody well hurt himself and that on its own is going to hurt me.
I'm just waiting on the fall out now and dreading it because it will all come down on my head like a tonne of bricks but Edel from Gheel will not listen to me when I told her, she just keeps telling me “you should not be worrying about what's not happened yet”
I hope every single one of these idiots one day have to live and cope with what I have to, they would all soon shift their arses. My son is going to bloody well hurt himself and that on its own is going to hurt me.
29th
March
My
back went snap when I got out of bed this morning. I let out the
biggest scream of pain, I was in agony, I had to get my eldest to
help me get out of the bed and asked if he would go to the local shop
with me because I'd be unable to carry anything. He told me “go and
ask youngest” I said “youngest needs to sleep because he's not
sleeping at all at night and his mood is very low and I don't want to
stress him out” eldest said “I went to Tesco and helped you
yesterday so I'm not helping you today” I did not need his help
yesterday and all he does when he's out with me is stress me out
because he's so dictatorial but I did not say this but it's what I
thought. What I did say was “I go shopping for you and youngest
every single day come hail, rain, snow, sunshine and today I need
help because I cannot carry anything heavy with my back being so bad”
He shouted “no, I'm not going anywhere” and slammed his bedroom
door shut. I have never in my life ever had to ask him to help me out
of my bed apart from today.
Youngest
came down at 10am and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea, he hasn't
asked me that in ages. It is so nice when my old son is with me
because he is so loving and kind and helpful. He said “I'll come
to the shop with and help you” I was so grateful. He didn't talk
much at all. I'm still worried sick about him. I texted Edel from
Gheel about him.
28th
March
Youngest
told me “I've picked the perfect course I want to do, it's Media
and Gaming, I'm going to email the college later” I said “I'll
get Edel from Gheel to help getting you get into the college as she
can contact the Disability Manager at the college about getting you
accepted without qualifications” He said “okay”
30th
April
Voice
mail from Edel from Gheel to tell me “I have been off work sick”
I
rang her, she said “I will ring the College and see what they can
do if anything for youngest” I told her I'm furious that Paul from
Gheel told me to have medication youngest is no longer using ready
for him to pick up from my house” I said “who the hell does he
think he's talking to me like that, I'm more than capable of taking
what is not needed back to my GP myself” Edel said “perhaps Paul
was just trying to be helpful” I said “that'll be a first
because neither he nor anyone else has ever before offered to taken
any meds I don't want in my house out of it for me, only I have ever
done so and he's trying it on more like and I will not put up with
it, what would have been helpful because I have no transport would be
if Paul had collected my youngests meds or sat in the doctors for an
hour and a half like I had to, so get him told to mind what he says
to me and how he says it because he will end up getting a mouthful
from me, no one talks to me like I'm an imbecile” I said “all
this malarkey has had me thinking and I want to know what will happen
to my kids if I die, we have no community or family support and I
want it on record the many times that my eldest has said he will kill
himself if I die” I said “I'm going to lose my freaking mind, I
need services, supports and help to take place NOW and on a regular
basis, I'm sick of telling Gheel, I'm sick of telling the HSE, I'm
sick of being ignored, I'm sick of hearing non stop lies, I'm sick of
all changing of the subject, the changing of goal posts. My youngest has
gone downhill again and I sent you a text about it. I want help to
get my youngest into college to give him something to focus on and a
change of scene, he will need encouragement to stick at it because he
gives up and gives in far too easily. I want help to get my eldest ID
because otherwise on record he doesn't even exist, I want
confirmation that if I die the boys can stay in the house with proper
daily supports put in place and not what the professionals think is
good for them. E.G.: Meals: they do not eat vegetables, they eat only
bland foods, youngest does not eat any form of potato, only plain
rice. Eldest only likes chicken breast, no sauces, sometimes pizza,
only pepperami, nothing else on it at all. I want this confirmation
from both Gheel and the HSE by letter. I will not allow my kids to
rot as all professionals have done so since 2006 with my eldest, I
want help to get them back to UK as advised by Consultant
Psychiatrist Dr Canning. Professionals in Ireland have proved they do
nothing, not even with a real experts report and immediate
recommendations and proved they do not care. I'm having chest pains
and palpitations and I'm worried sick about my sons being left in
anyone’s care in this country. You get paid to be the experts so
what are you all doing, simply doing nothing” Edel said “I will
talk to Geraldine Murphy” I said “what!! more meetings where
sod all will be done” Edel said “we are opening a drop in house
and will offer French and Music Lessons but we have no funding so all
staff are volunteers and the last conversation I had with Geraldine
Murphy was “still no money” I said “that is nonsense, off
course there is but when they have a sap like me with no life and no
family or friend support, no one to fight my corner for me then they
will allow my torture to continue till I have a breakdown, and I see
that day coming soon” No reply from her to that, she said “I
will take youngest to meet Professor Fitzgerald re his meds that are
giving him the shakes so bad”
I
am wasting my fucking time with that lot.
Eldest
said “who were you talking to, can we now get home to the UK” I
looked at him in astonishment, I have not got a pot to piss in and he
knows it and he's spending his own money like it's going out of
fashion and he's asking me can we now get home to the UK. I am going
to fucking crack up.
At
3pm, I checked my bank online in desperation to see if any
maintenance was paid. NOTHING.
Youngest
decided to come and talk to me. He said “I know you have something
wrong with you and it's a mental health issue that you haven’t been
diagnosed with it yet, oh yes you defo have a mental health disorder”
I ended up roaring at him even tho I knew this day was coming when
he would turn on me yet again just as I fucking predicted. How dare
he try and diagnose me with anything, I told him “I have seen more
Psychiatrists and Psychologists thanks to you and your brother and
not one has hinted nor suggested that I may have anything wrong with
me but yes I do I agree with you that I do suffer from something and I
know it's name too, it's givemeafuckingbreakitis” I would have
loved to have screamed at him to go and frigging heal himself and
quit thinking he's a professional that can diagnose people just
because he will not stop reading all that crap online. He has really
upset me.
6th
April
It's
Good Friday and I am skint, no maintenance has been paid, I don't
even know why I bother checking my bank, how does that evil prick
keep getting away with this. I hope his scrawny little hairless
balls drop off.
Eldest
is in a moaning mood, there is nothing new about that, nothing at
all, he only wants to eat cereal as his weight is not going down,
moan, moan, bloody moan.
Youngest
was quizzing me about his disability appeal which I've done for him
twice now, he did nought about it and no thanks have I got for all
the work I put into it. He wants to know what I think “about me
moving out and getting myself a studio flat” I told him “you are
old enough to do what you want but you need to think very hard about
it because all you will be doing is giving money for private rental
to a stranger and what will you do when you run out of money” he
said “I know I will have my business up and running by then” I
asked him “why is it not up and running now then because you have
been talking about it and planning it for a long time” He did not
answer me, he just walked away.
8th
April
I
spent the whole day painting. Youngest has now changed his mind about
getting a studio flat “because I have far too many luxury things I
want to buy for myself if I get the Disability Allowance”
9th
April
Blimey,
I slept in till 9.20am. I got youngest to come a walk with me, he was
just yapping on about all he wants to buy.
10th
April
Went
to bank and still no maintenance. I could cry my eyes out. I'm in
total dire straights money wise, 6 long years of this shit with that
evil prick of an ex.
14th
April
I
am so pissed off, I have no money at all. My purse is empty.
Eldest
came down to me moaning once again, he said “I want to go back on
the Slim Fast diet because I've gone up to 13 stone now and I want to
be 12 stone” He told me to go to Tesco and get him all he needs,
it's all so very expensive but it's not my business because it's his
money.
15th
April
I've
been worrying myself sick how I'm going to afford to get anything for
youngests 19th
birthday. I do not know how the ex can live with himself for not
giving a bollix about his only children.
18th
April
I
gave youngest €50 towards his birthday, I will worry about the
bills later.
My
youngest is 19. I went into his room to sing Happy Birthday, he was
in bed, he said “I don't want to get up I only had 2 hours sleep”
I gave him a hug but my heart dropped because I knew what this meant
with his mood so low. He said “thanks for the money you gave and
for the cake” I wish life was so very different and happier for
him, for us all.
I
met Edel from Gheel at 10.30am in the cafe at Tesco shopping centre.
I told her “I watched a documentary on how they deal with Autism and Aspergers in New Jersey in America, they built an artificial world where kids go to school and even had a supermarket to teach kids how to cope and how to shop, there was lots of family and community support and I'm fuming”
I repeated the exact conversation I had with her on the phone where she gave me no answers. “My kids have no family nor community support so what the fuck is going to happen to them when I drop down dead. I want you to put it on record the many times that eldest has said he will kill himself and how many times I have asked and begged and pleaded and screamed that my family need supports and help and services for frigging years and I'm asking again that we need them NOW and on a regular basis and I'm sick of Gheel, I'm sick of being ignored, I'm sick of hearing non stop lies and bullshit, I'm sick of being told one thing then it changing or the goal posts are moved, I'm sick of getting told one thing then it not happening” I said “I don't know how you all can live with yourselves”
She said “I think the New Jersey place is fantastic but I can't see it ever happening in Ireland” All nodding of her head at my anguished rant but nought else. I told her “I do not trust any agency in Ireland and for a so called Catholic country, I have never come across as many liars as I have here. Gheel have done nothing in the way of services for my eldest so what's the bloody point of Gheel at all because all they have done is ignore me since 2009 and no one, not one person could have been more vocal than I've been and I should not have had to be because eldests incident with the knife and running me out of the refuge house with it should have had you all come running to help and not sit doing nought. I want to know why you all sat round the refuge Conference table and nodded your heads at what Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning had to say then did jack shit about it. Dr Shah warned in her extensive report and immediate recommendations what category of Aspergers my eldest was in and that the mother got all the hatred and anger and still you all did jack shit. My biggest fear and what I've been most vocal about the past year about is my youngest ends up just like eldest and lo and behold that has come to pass so where is the promised daily contact to my boy who has ripped his own flesh apart and taken one overdose and threatened to take another, what part of him being in a mental hospital do you all not get, why is he not getting the promised support and daily contact. Why have I and my kids been left to rot” I told her “I'm sick of being at home 7 days a week and only leave the house to go shopping and now I cannot even do that alone because one of my sons is always with me, it's a disgrace. I'm a social person who needs the company of other people” Edel said “why do you not do voluntary work” I almost roared at her “I am a volunteer which you know about but it's paid work I need to get us the hell out of poverty” she said “I will speak to someone I know about nursing jobs for you” I said “I do not get a penny anywhere for my youngest, my one income from this government is keeping two of us” she said “he can go to the community welfare officer” I said “I cannot get him to go to the doctor so how the hell would I get him to go and have what is akin to an autopsy with a community welfare officer” not once did she say that Gheel could go with him. I said “Gheel should be doing more, not just all talk but action too, Gheel get paid to be the experts in Autism yet I have not once seen any expertise from them. Edel had absolutely nothing to say at all, she has a unique, probably well trained ability to skirt and duck and dive around anything I said with no real answer. I left her and felt disgusted because I know fuck all will be done about anything.
I need to find out what Gheel get paid by the HSE for this so called support and fuck all services for my boys. But Marlene had said they had “no funding” when my youngest was in the psych unit. Some serious bullshit is going on here.
I told her “I watched a documentary on how they deal with Autism and Aspergers in New Jersey in America, they built an artificial world where kids go to school and even had a supermarket to teach kids how to cope and how to shop, there was lots of family and community support and I'm fuming”
I repeated the exact conversation I had with her on the phone where she gave me no answers. “My kids have no family nor community support so what the fuck is going to happen to them when I drop down dead. I want you to put it on record the many times that eldest has said he will kill himself and how many times I have asked and begged and pleaded and screamed that my family need supports and help and services for frigging years and I'm asking again that we need them NOW and on a regular basis and I'm sick of Gheel, I'm sick of being ignored, I'm sick of hearing non stop lies and bullshit, I'm sick of being told one thing then it changing or the goal posts are moved, I'm sick of getting told one thing then it not happening” I said “I don't know how you all can live with yourselves”
She said “I think the New Jersey place is fantastic but I can't see it ever happening in Ireland” All nodding of her head at my anguished rant but nought else. I told her “I do not trust any agency in Ireland and for a so called Catholic country, I have never come across as many liars as I have here. Gheel have done nothing in the way of services for my eldest so what's the bloody point of Gheel at all because all they have done is ignore me since 2009 and no one, not one person could have been more vocal than I've been and I should not have had to be because eldests incident with the knife and running me out of the refuge house with it should have had you all come running to help and not sit doing nought. I want to know why you all sat round the refuge Conference table and nodded your heads at what Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning had to say then did jack shit about it. Dr Shah warned in her extensive report and immediate recommendations what category of Aspergers my eldest was in and that the mother got all the hatred and anger and still you all did jack shit. My biggest fear and what I've been most vocal about the past year about is my youngest ends up just like eldest and lo and behold that has come to pass so where is the promised daily contact to my boy who has ripped his own flesh apart and taken one overdose and threatened to take another, what part of him being in a mental hospital do you all not get, why is he not getting the promised support and daily contact. Why have I and my kids been left to rot” I told her “I'm sick of being at home 7 days a week and only leave the house to go shopping and now I cannot even do that alone because one of my sons is always with me, it's a disgrace. I'm a social person who needs the company of other people” Edel said “why do you not do voluntary work” I almost roared at her “I am a volunteer which you know about but it's paid work I need to get us the hell out of poverty” she said “I will speak to someone I know about nursing jobs for you” I said “I do not get a penny anywhere for my youngest, my one income from this government is keeping two of us” she said “he can go to the community welfare officer” I said “I cannot get him to go to the doctor so how the hell would I get him to go and have what is akin to an autopsy with a community welfare officer” not once did she say that Gheel could go with him. I said “Gheel should be doing more, not just all talk but action too, Gheel get paid to be the experts in Autism yet I have not once seen any expertise from them. Edel had absolutely nothing to say at all, she has a unique, probably well trained ability to skirt and duck and dive around anything I said with no real answer. I left her and felt disgusted because I know fuck all will be done about anything.
I need to find out what Gheel get paid by the HSE for this so called support and fuck all services for my boys. But Marlene had said they had “no funding” when my youngest was in the psych unit. Some serious bullshit is going on here.
Came
home by bus. I told youngest “you have an appointment with the
professor and will get picked up and taken there and make sure you
tell the Professor exactly how you feel so you don't fall down that
black hole again” youngest said “ I've all the courses I want to
do all sorted out now and just need the money to pay for them” I
told him “there are plenty of free ones you can do in the meantime”
but oh no, they're not good enough for him. I do believe that he's
only picking courses that he's not a hell chance of paying for.
Youngest
handed me my post, it was letter from the court. I immediately
thought it was another summons from that prick but it was details of
the arrears he owes me, €11,000 and they had deducted the rest that
was owing due to the time that had gone past.
22nd
April
Got
a god damn awful attack of facial neuralgia. Eldest asked me to cut
his hair for him, he wanted it short.
30th
April
Eldest
came into my room without knocking and woke me up to tell me some man
died who was in the BNP and was only 49 years old. He started
dictating and shouting at me “you should be exercising and looking
after yourself or do you really want to die young” then started
with all his talk about the BNP. I had to ask him to leave me till I
had my two cups tea in me. I can just about cope with him but not
getting woke up like this I can't.
Youngest
hoovered the living room carpet for me but then took my happiness and
gratefulness away by telling me “I should be getting paid to do
your work” I told him “it's not my work and from now on I will do
it myself” I also said “I hope I'm alive and see the day you
talk to any wife you get like that” he said “a wife would
probably show me respect” I said “you have to show some to get
some” God help any woman he meets, I hope they have more sense
than me to not put up with him.
1st
May
Eldest
told me “you look miserable and old” I have never heard anything
out of my son's mouth except insults. I went to check on youngest, he
was lying in bed with his ear phones in, I started chatting away to
him, I was in mid sentence when he asked “are you done yet” in
other words go away. Disrespectful sod. I ended up in bed by 7pm
crying. I need help. I feel so low.
3rd
May
I
ironed youngests clothes for going to meet the Professor and took
them into his bedroom, he said “I'm feeling low” I said “the
Professor will hopefully help you today” I sent Edel from Gheel a
text telling her what youngest had just told me, she replied “I
will be with him to support him” I was confused at that because
she'd already told me that “Paul was collecting him and will
support him” Why am I always surprised that they forget the
bullshit they feed me, the lies they tell me. Edel appears to have
forgot “crossing boundaries” etc
Edel
from Gheel rang at 11,30am. Youngest was pacing the floor waiting
to be picked up to go to his appointment with the professor. Edel
said “I'm sorry but the Professor has just cancelled the
appointment” I said “what!! the appointment is in 15 minutes time
and my youngest is standing here ready to leave and I've already told
you by text this morning that he is feeling low because that's what
he told me and it would have taken him a lot to tell me that, so what
the hell am I or you going to do to help him because when he's low he
mutilates himself so do I just step back and wait for that to happen,
this is a disgrace. Edel said “I can get someone to come from
outreach and take him for a drive but no one is free yet” I
actually laughed out loud at her saying that. I said “are you for
real, my son has told me he feels low, when he's low he cuts himself
and he explodes and he self harms and is explosively verbally abusive
to me and all you can offer is someone from outreach to take him for
a drive but you are also telling me that no one is free yet” I was
stunned, she said “sorry” I said “sorry does not help my son”
and I hung up before I completely lost my temper. They could not give
a shit. What the fuck am I going to do. Christ almighty I cannot
believe his appointment has been cancelled 15 minutes before hand. Do
they have any fucking idea what it took for him to change his mind
and attend because he's so fucking desperate for the help, for
support so where are the fucking services. They are all useless and
inept and un professional, uncaring bastards.
I
had to go tell my youngest that his appointment had been cancelled
and I was dreading it. All he said was “lovely” but he was only
being sarcastic. I told him about Edel from Gheel saying that someone
from Gheel could take him out for a drive, he said “I am not a dog”
He started talking about the courses he wants to do. I know this is
not going to end well at all.
I
rang the HSE, no one answered the phone. I was shaking like a leaf
in fear of what could happen with youngest after him trusting me to
tell me he was down. That appointment was so important for him.
I
was making dinner when I caught a glimpse of my youngest wearing my
silver pencil sharpener round his neck on a lace and I jumped in fear
and yelled out loud, he laughed, he actually laughed at my fear and
told me “there's no blade in it” Why would he put that around his
neck and wear it like a necklace. I knew, I just knew this was him
telling me he was ready to cut himself again. I sent Edel from
Gheel a text about it, I was really freaking out. She replied “you
can contact me if there's an emergency, you need to stand back and
wait and see” I cannot live like this at all.
9th
May
I
told youngest “I'm really worried about you, lets get you to the
doctor” he just ignored me. He told me he wanted to
go and get his hair cut but when I got ready to take him he said
“don't bother, not going” Mr Pain in the arse is back in town
and I do not like him at all.
14th
May
Sent
Edel from Gheel another text telling her “I'm not attending any
more bullshit meetings with the Disability Manager, Geraldine Murphy
and do bugger all Mary McNutt, it's a total waste of my time. I told
her “tell them to get in my house and see what I have
to live with instead of holding meetings so they can tick a box and
call that support” and asked do they take me for a frigging fool.
I
rang the Disability section at the local HSE and left the same
message I had texted Edel from Gheel, a woman asked do you want to
make another appointment, the silly cow had not taken in one word I
just said to her.
I
just got off the phone when my eldest walked into the living room, he
saw me and walked right back out again, I went after him and asked
him what's up, he said “I wanted to read” so I told him he could
have the living room and I would get out of his way and go up to my
bedroom.
I'm
in a very strange mood. I want to disappear and leave these two sons
of mine.
I
rang the court. I was told “come down and fill in paperwork”
because I'm not receiving any maintenance. I told the person “what
should happen is a warrant for arrest should be sent out because I
have all the court orders yet nothing is ever done when he doesn't
pay what the court ordered” The person told me “you have to come
down and fill in paperwork if you want to retrieve maintenance”
They have not one clue what they are supposed to do at that place.
I'm
not made for living like this, I really am not, I hate it. My spirit
and soul is slowly getting killed off. I'm sick of meetings when all
I do is talk yet no one listens, where is the promised practical
services and supports. Why was Dr Shah's report and immediate
recommendations not implemented, why was I told by Irish Autism
Action back in 2008 that the HSE have to implement that report yet
everyone I gave it to just fucking ignored it. Why do the HSE call
for meetings then do jack shit. Why am I left to cope solo with no
other life to speak of.
I
wanted the personal and angry letters that I wrote to my sons when I
had to leave and go overnight to T, which Edel from Gheel took from
my sons and out of my house. They are not her letters and she had no
right taking them out of this house, she is taking the piss. I want
a copy of the Family Support Plan so I can see what we are supposed
to be getting but obviously are not. I want to know why they are so
adamant I do not see the Family Support Plan. I want my sons helped
by experts not bullshit amateurs masquerading as experts, this is my
sons lives they are playing around with.
16th
May
Still
no maintenance.
Tesco
shopping with youngest, he said he wanted Bacardi Breezers, we had a
conversation about mixing meds with booze, he told me “the alcohol
content is low and I'm 19 years old” I got him a bottle of the
orange stuff for €7.
Once
home he said he wanted his hair cut. I said “if I put my coat on
this time you had better go” he said okay, we walked to our local
barbers, I just walked into the barber shop door and youngest said
“I'm not going in” I was mortified, all the others waiting all
turned to look at us. He said “my social anxiety is getting worse
and I want Xanax because I've got to the stage that I don't want to
go out any more” It's a pity he didn't listen to me saying that
very thing back in 2009 and 2010. He said “I think I might talk to
Paul at Gheel” I got him phone credit and told him “do not take
all anyone at Gheel says as gospel because you may well end up
bitterly disappointed”
I
got home and eldest was lying on top of his bed, I asked him “what
is wrong” he said “tired” but he looked very unhappy and all I
thought was that was his Dad's answer to everything “just tired”
before he got the hump for days or weeks on end and then exploded.
My
head hurts and I am extremely unhappy due to severe loneliness.
18th
May
Had
to go to court to get the ex forced to pay up what he owes me.
Youngest came with me. I had to deal with a horrible bitch of a court
clerk.
Her
– Is that still his address
Me
– How would I know, that's the address he gave this court.
Her
– I can't send a summons if that is not his address.
Me
– How would you know if it's not his address. I am not his keeper
that keeps track on whether he tells this court the truth about where
he lives.
Her
– Well can he afford to pay.
Me
– That is not your business, it's up to him to tell a judge that
and provide the proof and for your information he had over three
quarters of a million Euro go thru his numerous bank accounts.
Her
– Oh, it's probably all gone now.
Me
– How would you know that, it's none of your business.
Her-
Hold on, (comes back) There is confusion over your file, you were
summoned to the Circuit Court on March 4th.
Me
– I have never been near the Circuit Court for any case except to
lodge my divorce.
Her
– Nothing we can do for you, the judge told you to take it to the
Circuit Court.
Me
– No he did not, I have never been to the Circuit Court. I am not
leaving here until this utter farce is sorted out.
Her
– Take a seat and wait to be seen by someone.
All
this took place in a very small pubic area where everyone can hear
what is being said. I was raging at her getting so personal, the
cheeky cow, her job is to be a clerk not a bitch having an opinion on
anything to do with me or him.
Youngest
said “your face is bright red” I said “having the menopause
and hot flushes does that and that bitch has not helped either” he
said “I'm going off to get a hair cut” I gave him €50 and told
him to answer his phone the minute I contacted him because I'm no
good walking around Dublin alone. I always get lost. I got called
into a side room and a man constantly talked over me. I ended up
telling him to “let me talk otherwise you will not have a clue why
I'm here” I lost the rag with him and told him “look at my hand”
I was erupting in eczema with his bullish manner and asked him “have
you forgotten that this is family law or do you treat all who come
here as if they are criminals” He blushed bright red and ended up
giving me a date for court on May 28th.
I told him “you need to get your act together and if that wagon of
a woman ever makes personal remarks or voices her personal opinion
about my case in full hearing of the others queuing up then I will be
making a formal complaint” I detest that place and the people in
it, they are disgusting and treat us woman as lower than a snakes
belly, I don't need to leave the house to be abused, I get enough of
it in the house.
I
met my youngest under the Spire, his hair is short and he looks
lovely.
21st
May
I
rang the Carers Association. I asked “am I legally entitled to see
the Family Support Plan because I've been asking Gheel for it for
years, I have asked Edel from Gheel for it, I have asked Carol
Doolan, the old disability manager for it and I've asked Geraldine
Murphy, the present disability manager for it and I've yet to see it,
I've yet to get a copy of it or any file on my family” I was told
“yes you are legally entitled to see anything at all on record
regarding you and your family” I was told that “Ms S Kelly is
the Manager and Sheila Marshal is the General Manager at the HSE”
I
rang Ms S Kelly at 4pm. I said “I am in dire need of services, I
am sick of talking and I will not talk any longer, all we need are
services, my kids are legally entitled to services” She said she
would get back to me after taking all my details.
22nd
May
Ms
S. Kelly rang me. It turns out that she is the Complaints Dept. The
first words out of her mouth to me was “you cancelled the HSE
meeting” I said “hold on a minute, the meeting was cancelled due
to Mary Mc Nutt being off sick not once but twice and it took them
long enough to get back to me with a new date and yes I did
personally cancel the next meeting by phone to Geraldine Murphy's
office and also by text to Gheel and gave them my reasons why, which
is I'm given appointments under the guise of offering support and
services but in actual fact the meetings are tea and sympathy which
is not want I want, need or ask for and I want to see exactly what
the Family Support Plan consists of and I also want to know why Dr
Shah's extensive and expensive report re immediate recommendations
for my eldest where Dr Canning, the Consultant Psychiatrist sat
around a table full of professionals and advised the HSE to re read
and implement those recommendations, so why has nothing been done re
any recommendations and anyway Edel from Gheel attends meetings in my
place that I cannot go to. She said “what do you want me to do”
I said “I want to know what Gheel Autism Services are paid for re
my family, I want to see the Family Support Plan signed off by Carol
Doolan in 2009 and I want to know why Dr Shah’s report and
immediate recommendations have been ignored” She said “I will
look thru the file and get back to you”
I
noticed the number Ms Kelly used to ring me is the same number that
Carol Doolan had so she must be in the same office as Geraldine
Murphy, the present Disability Manager. I presumed a detailed letter
re me refusing to attend the last meeting would be with me soon but I
will not give up seeing what is in that file. I do suspect the so
called Family Support Plan is non existent which is why all my
requests to Edel from Gheel to see it over the past year has been
ignored. But I do know Gheel are being paid by the HSE for a Family
Support Plan and I want to know how much because we are getting shag
all supports and services.
Edel
from Gheel left me voice mail saying “I know you were low the last
time we had contact and I'm here when you want to talk” which is
lovely of her but I can talk to the bloody walls and people on the
street, it's services I need so that my sons can live an independent
life which is what Dr Shah recommended and what they both need and
deserve.
Youngest
got a text from Gheel outreach to ask how he is and to let him know
the cancelled appoint by Prof Fitzgerald has not been renewed yet.
23rd
May
Eldest
wanted money put on his 3V card, I told him I would do it when I come
back from town because I'm singing on a charity CD. I had the best
time of my life in the recording studio with the charity lads but I
never want to hear “Stand by Me” ever again.
28th
May Court
Youngest
came with me, when he saw his father he said “he looks worse than
usual” The judge was lovely. I had to listen to bullshit as the
ex declared he was living in a homeless hostel, he had no up to date
Statement of Means with him, the judge sent him out of court to get
one filled in. I had to go out and wait till he come up with a cock
and bull statement of means.
Youngest
told me his father said Hi to him but he just ignored him and he said
he felt good getting to do that to him.
Back
into court we went and the lying piece of crap told the judge his
partner worked out that he only owed 2 weeks maintenance. I said
“that's rubbish because he's €11,000 in arrears and I can prove
it and I handed up my maintenance calenders to the judge along with
the letter re arrears the court had posted out to me.
The
judge told him “pay your wife strictly on a Thursday and pay her
€70 per week The ex went mental, he started pulling his own hair
out, he kept fiddling inside his trouser pocket, he walked up and
down shouting “I'm not paying it” I told the court clerk “I'm
not safe here with this man like this” He was then roaring at the
judge “ I will not pay it, I'm making a stand” The judge told
him “I made my decision based on the documents provided to me which
you yourself handed into court, your wife has to look after and
provide for your children” The ex was not listening to anyone, he
was still shouting at the judge “I have mental health problems”
the judge said “you still have an income” and he picked up his
file and started to leave the court. The ex shouted “I haven't
worked in 2 years, I've been paying the maintenance regularly”(lie)
he said “I am living on €120 per week and I've not seen any
documentary proof that my sons have anything wrong with them at all”
he shouted “I do not believe they have any form of Autism” (he
is a liar because I handed him a copy of my eldests diagnosis and
rang him for his family medical history when my youngest was waiting
to be diagnosed) He said “I'm waiting to see a Psychotherapist
myself because I've lost so much weight and not able to deal with all
of this” (he should try living with what I have to deal with) he
said “I have reached the end of my tether, I am making a stand and
I will not comply with this order” he screamed “I am paying
nothing” He started to walk towards me but two Garda then come in
and I was told to go wait outside and not to go downstairs. As I was
leaving the ex said “I will find you”
I
went out to my youngest who was standing in the hallway outside the
court room and he said “you're as white as a sheet” I told him
“I'm shocked at him showing the court the real him” A Garda came
up to me and asked “are you the other party” I nodded yes. He
told me “stay where you are until I come back and get you” The ex
did not come out of the court for another 5 minutes and was flanked
by two Garda. I heard a female voice asking “is he is under
arrest” but I didn't hear the answer.
The
Garda came back to me and youngest and he opened a door that looked
like an office but it was an exit to the staff car park. He took us
down the steps and said “it's the Judges emergency exit” he told
us to stop whilst he checked if the ex was outside smoking and told
us not to hang about and to go straight home after asking me where we
lived. I was shaking like a leaf. I know the ex is mad and now the
court does too because they saw him in action.
When
I got home I told eldest all that had happened because it had really
shaken me. My eldest said “I feel sorry for him if he cannot afford
to feed himself” I said “are you frigging joking me, he used
those same damn words in the other County court when he was in fact
withdrawing €75,000 and we had nothing and he ensures we still have
nothing and I am keeping youngest on what one person gets” eldest
then said “we will never get a penny for a house of our own will
we” I said “no we wont, he may be mad, sad and bad but he's one
clever fucker who warned me I would get nothing and the law helped
him do just that” eldest said “he's an evil cunt” and stormed
off, that's him in a bad mood now.
I
sent Edel from Gheel a text because I felt shaken up and now eldest
was in a bad mood. Edel replied she would come get me and she did at
4.20pm.
I
chatted to her about what went on in the court and how scared I was
as the ex completely lost it.
She
then brought up the subject of me cancelling the meeting with the HSE
and I told her again “I'm not attending any more meetings under the
guise of finding support and services which produces nothing and
anyway Gheel are supposed to provide these and do nothing” She
asked “can I meet with Geraldine and Mary on your behalf” I said
“yes you have before anyway” She told me “the outreach service
only came into effect in 2011” after I was bitching why it took
them so long to give me the outreach number. I again told her “I
want a copy of the file held at your office and a copy of the Family
Support Plan going back to 2009” she said “I will talk to Andy
Mc Donnell” I reminded her what that man said regards my eldest
and the high court and him telling me “you need to be removed from
the picture” which is just bloody disgusting, Edel said “you must
have heard it wrong I asked her “do you think I'm stupid” she
replied straight away “no” I said “because I'm not stupid, how
many times do I have to say that I remember everything and forget
nothing especially when it comes to what hurts me emotionally and
when it comes to my kids which is an ongoing occurrence so who would
forget what that man said to me because I never would” She said
“Andy probably meant that it would be preferable that you were not
in the house so staff could engage with eldest” I said “nonsense,
there was no mention at all back then of anyone entering the house to
engage with my eldest and what should have been done immediately was
that Dr Shah, who I know to be the real expert on Autism and
Aspergers, her report should have been immediately implemented and
not have what I consider to be ignorance or bully boy tactics used
just because none of you seem to know what to bloody well do because
eldest and now youngest do not fit any of Gheels boxes, so you all
just gave up and waited for me to crack up” she said “that's not
true” I said “you do not live the life I have to and I doubt you
ever could as your life is normal” she said “what is normal
anyway” I said “your life is normal, mine is not and no one can
argue about that unless they live daily with how I have to” She
said “we all want to help in anyway we can because we all know just
how difficult life must be” Words, words, words. I'm sick of
hearing their words.
29th
May
I
am drained, completely drained.
Eldest
told me “from now on every time you go out I'm going to come with
you but I need Xanax. Fucking brilliant was what I thought and yes
I'm being sarcastic because it means I get no fucking break from him
whatsoever. I will be on a very short leash and will be controlled
as to what I can do or say outside of the house.
Youngest
told me “I've run out of medication” why, oh why, wait till there
is none left and why can't he use his own legs and go and get them,
another job for the mammy who has not an ounce of energy. I rang the
doctor, I can collect youngests meds this afternoon.
I
had to ring the refuge we once lived in re the threat of the ex “I
will find you” and his shenanigans in court because my old address
was given to him by the other County's court “by mistake” My old
support worker said thanks for letting us know and they will inform
the present tenant.
31st
May
I
had
to bag up all my loose change and take it up to Tesco just to get
some shopping, the ex should try living like this.
1st
June
Letter
from the Social Welfare, my Lone Parents money stops on 4th
July as youngest is no longer attending school, lord, fucking shoot
me now.
I
rang them up and asked “what am I supposed to live on” they said
“you can apply for Job Seekers Allowance” I asked “how I do
that when I'm a full time carer stuck at home” they said “all
you are entitled to is full time carers of €204 per week” that is
€16 more than those on Job Seekers get, that is all we are worth as
Carers to have no life to call our own. I don't know what the hell
I'm going to do. Everything that can go wrong is going wrong and I'm
sinking under the pressure of it all.
I
had to ring Carers, they want proof that I'm not getting the court
ordered maintenance, they told me my bank statements are not enough
proof. So what to I do to prove it because no one has told me. I came
off the phone and could not stop crying.
I
rang the court, a useless twat told me “you have to wait until
you've had no maintenance payments for 2 weeks” I said “try 12
frigging months” I was then told “because of your new court order
we can only work from that date” it's a man's fucking world here.
I said “I am owed €11,400 and I need that maintenance” I'm told
“the rules are the rules” I said “I can't take much more of
this” I was told “I will pull your file” then I was told “I
cannot find it” I was asked for my number then told I would get a
call back.
I
went to lie down on top of my bed. I have had my fill of shit from
all quarters.
The
Court Manager rang me, he said “it's court procedure to wait for 2
weeks of no maintenance payments before we can issue a summons to get
him back into court” I said “you are all a complete waste of
time”
T
rang me. She asked “do you want to go to a Hen Party with me, it
will be a great laugh” I said “I would love to but I have no
money, no clothes, no make up and I cannot leave the boys” She
said “you're mad and need to cop on” I had no energy to argue
about that.
That
prick of an ex telling the court that he's living in a homeless
hostel made me mad as hell because the family home is lying empty so
I rang both homeless hostels because I did my work experience in both
of them. They had never heard of him so he lied thru his teeth to the
court and not for the first time either.
3rd
June
Text
came thru from ex “ I will let you know when my claim is processed.
Will try and see the CWO on Tuesday and if they can help out I will
let you know” Basically that is just a cover his arse text and why
did he say he is living on €120 a week in court and now he's
claiming that he's waiting on his claim being processed. I had no
credit on my phone to reply so how the hell can he afford credit.
Walked
to local shop with my youngest, got him diet coke and sweets. I have
€5 left to my name.
T
drove to another County for me and checked out the family home. She
said “there's no sign of life here at all and the grass out the
back and front is almost as tall as I am. I looked thru the letter
box and the mail is piled high on the floor”
4th
June
Youngest
said he was awake till 6am listening to podcasts.
E
a girl from Domestic Abuse centre rang me, she said “the court is
wrong, you do not have to bother with any more summons, you can apply
for a Breach of Maintenance order, I will come and support you when
you go to court because I would be worried after your ex's latest
outburst and you should not be attending alone with just your son for
support given the history with your ex”
I
didn't get out of the house till 12 noon to go for the shopping which
is late for me because I am always on the 9am bus.
Eldest
sent me a text asking “where are you, you're taking ages” he
hadn't done that before, I wondered why he was worrying. When I got
home he was sitting on the stairs waiting for me and took the
shopping bags from me and put the shopping away. I was so grateful
that he was thinking about me and helping me but my mind was in
overdrive because he must be worrying about me for some reason.
Youngest
seems to have no life in him at all, all he is doing is listening to
podcasts.
7th
June
Got
the Respite Grant in the bank, I paid €250 in rent and went to Ikea
with youngest and gave him €100 for himself. I cleared all my
bills and put them all €50 in credit to give me some breathing
space.
8th
June
Met
Edel from Gheel in Tesco café, she said “I will go and see
Geraldine Murphy the Disability Manager and get a funding package to
pay for someone to come into house” I have not a clue as to why
and was too tired and weary to even ask. I'm still waiting on letters
of confirmation from Gheel and the HSE as to what anyone will provide
my sons if I drop dead.
11th
June
On
the 9am bus to court with youngest. I felt weird because it did not
sit well with me that the ex could end up in jail over this. My
youngest said “he will deserve it because he's an evil cunt”
A
decent person was at the reception desk and got me in to see another
decent woman so I could apply for a court date. I first got told I
would have to wait till September but I reminded her that the judge
gave me 10 days notice due to the ex's shenanigans re him always
flouting court orders, she gave me 21st
June but then told me that the 22nd
June was a quieter day to attend. I told her I will need a Garda
escort and explained all about the ex losing it in court and how I
was taken out a back exit to the staff car park, she said that's the
judges exit and she's never been down it herself so told me to make
sure I had a word with the Garda at the front desk too to put all
safety nets in place. When I left I took youngest for a Frapacinno
then we came home. Eldest was reading in the living room, he was in a
strange mood, I asked him if he had the hump about anything, he told
me no but I know better and I know something is up with him.
Letter
for me from the court, its a copy of my court stamped Notice of
Intention to proceed with Divorce, I posted to his solicitor by
Registered post.
10th
June
I
painted the kitchen and bathroom. Youngest was playing X Box in the
living room all day and night, I'm not complaining about not being
able to watch my programmes on the tele, as it's good he's not hidden
away in his bedroom.
12th
June
I
rang the court to see if they had any correspondence from the ex's
solicitor. Some strange man told me “you cannot proceed with a
divorce if you do not have a solicitor” I asked him “read out to
me where you're getting that info from because it's rubbish, that is
not law you are quoting at all” the man was not happy after I said
that to him. These people are full of shit.
13th
June
Rang
the divorce court and spoke to S and told her what the idiot man told
me on the phone about needing a solicitor for divorce, she said
“don't mind him, just ask for me from now on” What a lovely
girl. I need to get all my divorce paperwork sorted and quick, I am
going to need so much ink and paper.
14th
June
€30
maintenance was paid into my bank account, for someone who has no
money, how the hell did he get from S to C. That alone tells me he
probably received the Breach of Maintenance summons. I let E from the
Domestic Violence unit know. She rang me and said “I will organise
a side room for us to sit in and will inform the Garda about him so
that you do not need to see him or his posse at all downstairs. You
have nothing to prove at all with this court case, it's all on him
because he's in contempt of court, you do not need to provide any
documentation at all, he and he alone has put himself in this
position, who keeps the kids, who feeds and clothes the kids, that's
all you need to keep telling yourself” She is a really nice girl
and knows her stuff inside and out.
Youngest
hoovered for me, I gave him €5 for doing it.
I
feel overwhelmed with having to get paperwork organised for two
separate court cases. Had an attack of Neuralgia in my face, it is so
painful.
18th
June
Got
up 7am, youngests bedroom door was open and he was not in bed and his
jacket was not on the bannister where he always puts it. I got an
awful fright thinking he was down St Ann's park slashing himself. I
found him lying in a sleeping bag on the couch, he told me he was
Skyping a girl from America all night long. I said the lack of sleep
will affect his mental health. He just laughed at me.
Ulster
Bank is down, I cannot access any money at all, I need to go into a
branch with proof of who I am and proof that I have money in my
account.
22nd
June Court
Woke
up at 4.30am and couldn't get back to sleep so went downstairs and
youngest was on the couch again which meant he's been awake all night
and he knew I had court today and I was dreading it and a nervous
wreck about it. I told him I'd go to court on my own so he could go
to bed and get some sleep. I was feeling sick with nerves and the bus
was late so I was late into the court. I couldn't stop going to the
loo because I was so bad with nerves. No sign of the ex. I saw a
female judge who issued a bench warrant for his arrest, she told her
court clerk to let the Garda know that this was serious (she did not
explain why) She said “I used to be a legal advisor” I laughed
and asked her “do you see people in private because I sure could
use a legal advisor” she then laughed and said “sorry, I don't
and can't any more anyway” but wished me luck.
Home
by bus, made boys dinner, covered with plates then went to lie down.
I need to clear my head.
Man
from Cross care rang me, he said “I cannot go ahead with your
appeal because Carers have broken the law with your case and I need
to speak to a solicitor about it” I haven't a clue what that's all
about but I trust him.
I
never did find out what the above was about, no one told me.
Text
from Edel from Gheel “we will meet on Monday, had the meeting on
your behalf with the HSE today, will tell you all about it on Monday”
Youngest
is not in a happy mood. He accused me of going on his
blog, I told him “I was last on your blog on the 14th
Feb or have forgot that date, your mothers birthday and you know fine
well why I was on it then” He said “I have a tracker on my blog
that tells me every IP address that visits my page” I said “get
your facts correct, my IP address cannot be on your blog because
I've not been on it and if you think hard enough then you might know
the reason why I've not had an opportunity to visit your blog” (I
was at court) He stomped off.
Youngest
asked me if I would go to the local shop with him, what he really
means is, get me diet coke and sweets. He said as we were walking “I
made a mistake and know it wasn't your IP address on my blog because
one digit was different” I had to ask for an apology before I got
one. I told him “you had better apologise to your brother too
because you also accused him and you're lucky to have not been given
a smack by him because you know what he's like”
Once
dinner was over youngest asked me if I would go out for a walk with
him. I didn't want to because I felt sick but I knew it was just
nerves after the day in court and the thoughts of what was to come
because I will never feel safe whilst the ex is still in this
country.
Youngest
told me “I don't feel as anxious as I normally do when outside”
I said “well that's a good thing then” He asked me about court,
about his father, we talked about our life and how our lives should
have been since 2005. He said “I know that no one in the world
except you gives a crap for me or brother and if not for you and all
you do and put up with, I really do know how much worse things would
have been for me and brother” and I could have wept with happiness.
Those simple words filled me with pride, I glowed with pride.
Kindness and kind words cost nothing at all and mean so much to me.
I gave him a huge hug.
I
told eldest it's David Bowie night on the TV, he came and asked me
what channel and said he would get me all his albums downloaded onto
his computer. I watched the programme in my bedroom and eldest
watched it in the living room. I was dying to go down and sit with
him but I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to stop myself from
singing along to Bowie's music and eldest would get the hump with me
about that. I so wish we were a normal family.
23rd
June
I
still cannot access my own money because Ulster Bank is still down.
I'm
feeling sorry for myself, nothing ever goes right. I wish someone
loved me. I miss having someone lying beside me in bed, someone to
talk to, to wake up with, not the ex, I just gave myself the shudders
at that thought, just someone who loved and respected me and made me
laugh like I know I can make people laugh all the time, except my
children off course. I think I'm now destined to be alone and that is
such a waste, it's not fair, I did not sign up for any of this but
there is sweet fuck all I can do about it.
25th
June
I
met Edel from Gheel. She attended the meeting with Geraldine Murphy
and Mary Mc Nutt on my behalf. She was told “there is no funding
for the boys to get their own accommodation” She said “I
emphasised the urgency that something had to be done and put into
place now” Her plan is “to get two key support workers into the
house twice a week and offer the boys courses, help them with CV’s,
tell them about the open house they now have” I said “you are
all totally barking mad. My sons have more intelligence than us all
put together, they would not do any course as they have major social
anxieties, eldest has not been in any human company since 2006,
youngest claims all society are retards and he will not associate
with social retards due to constant bullying he suffered at every
school he attended” I reminded Edel of “all the times I
attempted to get my eldest an education thru “Not School” who I
got to install a computer in the refuge house, the Open University
material I tried to get him to go thru, the FAS people I spoke to and
asked them to think outside the box to help him at least get an
education. I haven't been able to get my eldest to meet the family
doctor so how the hell can he go to an open house. It didn't work in
another County sending someone into the house so how do they think it
is going to work in Dublin. The other County tried the same thing,
they called it Family Support in the house and eldest locked himself
away, he refused to engage, I had to put up and shut up or it would
be seen as me refusing to comply or as refusing help. I asked her
have any of you have actually read Dr Shah’s Report and immediate
Recommendations that I handed over all those years ago, it states
eldest is likely to react badly to any confrontation or any forceful
treatment and that he has attempted suicide previously, that if he is
fearful or angry, which is a daily occurrence not only due to Autism
but his personality he could take it out on his mother and his
brother which he has done and done frequently, the report states it
is extremely difficult for mum to share a living space with him and
suffer the constant verbal abuse, demands, and difficult behaviours
and would help eldest and the family situation enormously if they
were housed in two adjacent units, eldest may relax a lot more in his
own space whilst still having his mother and brother next door. These
were immediate recommendations and if eldest responded then the plan
of a support worker could be gradually introduced. If eldest did not
respond and became more rigid and more controlling, different
strategies will have to be tried” I quoted all this to Edel as I
always carry Dr Shah’s report in my handbag so I asked her “what
the hell are you all playing at, it's in black and white. Why are you
trying to close the gate after the horse has bolted, if you go ahead
with this crazy and un thought thru plan then only I am in the firing
line, not one of you is at risk, you all get to go home and unwind,
this is my life which you do not hold in any kind of regard, I am
only so stressed out because I have no services, supports and help
that my physical and mental health is at risk” Edel said “that
is all that's being offered” I said “it’s not acceptable, that
house is my space and I'm expected to let strangers into my house
knowing full well none of this will work to the benefit of my sons
but will only impact on the detriment to my safety and my health”
Edel said “we will find a way to work round that” I've not a
clue what that is supposed to mean, nor was it explained. She said
“it's a good opportunity to get out and about and do your own
thing” I said “with what, I am living in poverty as a carer, I
live day to day as that is all my income allows me to do, I am
keeping my youngest on what one person is supposed to live on as he
has no income” Edel said “ask eldest to contribute more” I
said “I will not because he's saving up to get braces for his teeth
and that costs thousands. She said “we shall meet up on Friday to
go over the plan and the times for key workers to come to the house
but it's not yet been signed off by Geraldine Murphy yet” I told
her again “you are all mad, my sons are adults, they have the right
to accept or refuse, I have the right to accept or refuse anyone
entering my home, you are going about this all wrong, why do you lot
not ever listen to me, I am the only person who knows my sons, you do
not, read Dr Shah's report and recommendations and tell Geraldine
Murphy and Mary Mc Nutt to get it bloody read too and I'm agreeing to
none of this till I've thought it thru” she said again “we shall
talk it over on Friday”
Youngest
was just getting up when I came home in a flustered state at what
Edel from Gheel had to say and my speech to Edel had wiped me out,
all that lot do is bloody stress me out. Youngest said “The girl
I'm Skyping in America wants to talk to you, I told her you said
she's a selfish bitch for keeping me awake all night” He is
unbefuckinglievable, what I actually said was “she sounds like a
right selfish mare expecting you to go without sleep, she should take
her turn at staying awake all night if she wants to talk to you” I
couldn't believe he was telling a complete stranger what I, the
mother was saying in my house, for all he knows she could be a 40
year old psycho, he has no sense, he is far too trusting online to
strangers and no trust at all in me who loves him.
26th
June
At
8am, eldest asked me what I was doing today, I said
“whatever you want to do” he said “lets go for a walk” I
told him of my meeting with Edel from Gheel and of Gheels plan of
sending in two key support workers so he and youngest can access
courses, attend the open house, they may start a gym in the open
house and that I have been told there is no funding for their own
accommodation. eldest and I quote said “I have more intellect than
anyone I know, I'm not interested in any courses or qualifications, I
have taught myself all I need to know online and I have my own
exercise equipment and no one is invading my fucking space so you can
all fuck off” I told him “if you are big enough to tell your
mother this then you can tell Gheel yourself and write to the HSE
whilst you're at it too” I got told by him to “go and fuck
yourself” and he stormed off leaving me worried sick as to his next
move and the morning has not even bloody started yet.
I
ordered Lustral for youngest.
Eldest
is in a better mood, he got me all episodes of Revenge, I love it and
have been glued to my laptop watching it.
27th
June
Collected
youngests prescription, big problems in the chemist as his medical
card was out of date. I said “I can't go home without them” the
woman in the chemist got on the phone to who could sort it out, I had
to stand there for an hour but she fixed it for me and stuck a new
date on his medical card for me. I was so grateful to her.
I
just walked in the door and eldest said “I need a fan for my room
because it's like an oven with the heat and I cannot cope with heat”
I
walked up to Power city with youngest. He said “how much do you
want when I get my Disability Allowance” I said “the same as
eldest pays and you know I've been keeping you on my sole income and
seen how hard it's been because you have seen me wrenched with stress
and counting loose change to buy us shopping” He said “you have
no chance of getting that out of me because you're messing up all I
want to buy and all I want to do” then he asked me “so what will
you be spending my money on” I was shocked at him, all the years
of me keeping him, getting all he wanted for Xmas, no matter how much
I struggled to get what he wanted. I really felt like the ex was
standing in front of me, he made me feel shamed at having the cheek
to expect money from him for the roof over his head, the food in his
belly, the shoes on his feet, the clothes on his body, the laptop,
the netbook, every other damn thing I have got him, how dare he make
me feel ashamed about anything. He then said “ I need all my money
because I'm moving out when I get it” I asked him “did you apply
for Disability Allowance, did you fill in the forms, did you call all
agencies for letters of support, did you appeal it when it was
refused twice” he answered “no” He made me feel like shit on
his shoe, I walked away from him, I did not want him near me, I had
tears rolling down my face at my son talking to me like that in
public and thinking it was okay to do so, he has not an ounce of love
or respect for me at all. He started shouting at me in the street
behind me “what have I done wrong now” I said “if you can't
figure it out then I'm not doing it for you but my reaction should be
filling you in” God help any woman he meets as he'll surely grind
her down as I have been ground down all these years by him and his
brother.
28th
June
Eldest
is in agony again with toothache again, he said he needs antibiotics.
I went up to the GP to get them.
Youngest
told me that he now needs a fan so I went to Power city and got him
one.
29th
June
Met
Edel from Gheel at Gheels office. I was told, not asked, I was told
they “are sending Paul the Gheel support worker to the house twice
a week and the Disability Manager will pay for it” I told her “my
eldest has already said he's not interested or are you just going to
ignore him as well as me” I asked till I was blue in the face if
they had an emergency backup plan if this went wrong” Edel said
“you have to think positively” I said “should I be thinking
positively when I have my son’s fist fly at my face, when he
attacks me, when I have a large carving knife waving at my face and
then chased out of my house with it, when he hides knives under his
pillow, when I have over 20 Garda at the door from one Garda station,
when I'm so terrified I wet myself, when I lock myself in my room to
protect myself, should I just think positively then” I was told
“you need to be out of the house for this to take place”
considering I now have no family, no friends, and no funds to even
buy a cup of tea in a café, should I be walking the streets like a
prostitute. Edel said “I can be with you the first couple of times
then I'm sure you can find something to do and somewhere to go” I
again stated “you are all mad, all this is a cost cutting exercise
to you, why is no one is listening to me about Dr Shah's report”
The first meeting for eldest will be 11th
July whilst youngest is out at his appointment with Professor
Fitzgerald, that's if it actually goes ahead this time.
1st
July
I
asked eldest to come out with me. I reminded him he asked me to keep
encouraging him to go outside. He said okay. He told me “I'm not
interested in education any more because all top CEO's are all self
taught and so am I” I said “I agree that you know everything
because I call you my personal Google” he laughed then said “you
would know everything too if you did not watch so much shite on TV”
He said “all I wants is a job anywhere, even packing shelves would
do me, I want to work from the bottom up” I said “okay we will
look and see what we can find for you but even professionals are
having to work in McDonald’s these day because jobs are so scarce”
He said “okay”
Youngest
didn't get out of bed till 5pm, it is just getting ridiculous as I
cannot hoover or put on the washing machine whilst he's asleep. I
told him “you would be better just inviting the girl over here for
a holiday” he said “what, to this shit hole I don't think so”
why does he not hear himself, why does he not hear how hurtful he is,
I am doing my bloody best.
2nd
July
I've
been ill all night long, every bit of me hurts and I cannot stop
being sick, I hate vomiting. Youngest was awake at 3am and asked me
if I was alright, I couldn't answer him because I was throwing up in
the toilet. When I went back to bed youngest brought me in a glass of
milk which I was grateful for. I stayed in bed until 8.30am. When I
got up eldest asked me why I was still in bed, I told him I'm ill, he
wanted to know why. I had to go back to bed on and off all day
because I felt so bad and wiped out. I had to get youngest to come
to the local shop with me as he wanted diet coke and we needed milk,
I asked him if he would please do the dishes for me as all I want to
do is lie down, he said okay.
I
posted his school locker key back. I had asked him to come up to the
school with me when no pupils were around so that he could empty his
locker and get me back the €20 deposit I paid for the locker as I
desperately need that money right now but he flat out refused. I
could weep at his huge potential going to waste, just two weeks out
of his life and he could have had his Leaving Cert.
Someone
has been on my laptop because when I turned it on it said “Guest
page” both boys denied touching it. There is no one else around to
touch it.
The
news said the banks are sorted out in the UK now but not in Ireland
so I still have no access to money at all.
Rang
Carers asking if I'm going to get the full amount of half rate carers
as my Lone Parents is stopping, a woman said she knows nothing about
it. I told her “I've sent in a letter and so have Lone Parents
people about it” She said “no letters have been received by us”
I asked her “what am I going to live on then” the woman said “go
along to the Community Welfare Officer but you will have to pay it
back once your claim has been sorted” I come off the phone and just
cried. Eldest must have been standing in the hall listening to me, he
asked me why I was crying, I told him, he said “that's no reason to
be crying” I told him “you have no clue what I have to deal with
and especially financially” he said “you can use my money
because I can cover it and you can pay me back when your money is
sorted out” He then said “you have high morals when it comes to
money because you could have easily took out more than you were
entitled to in the bank but I know you would never do that, I like
that about you” My God, that was high praise from my eldest, I was
delighted he had something nice to say about me. He said “I have
an itchy mole on my back, check it for me” I did, it just looked
like a spot. I told him “keep an eye on it and let me know if it
changes in any way” He started out of the blue yelling at me “and
how the fuck do I do that then when I cannot see it” Mother of god
he can turn on the spin of a penny and leave me shattered.
At
3pm I missed a call from the Carers allowance. The woman I spoke to
this morning left a voice mail so I rang her back and a man answered,
he told me the woman wasn't there. The man asked me for my PPS number
and the date of my marriage, I asked “what has the date of marriage
got to do with anything” he said “in case a nosy neighbour rang
or anyone else rang claiming to be you” I said “who the hell
would claim to be me for a lousy €102 per week to be at home with
two sons who have Autism, who would be mad enough to want to
impersonate me” He asked me “hold on” I have never heard
anything so daft in all my life. I told him “get me someone to
talk to immediately before I internally combust” A woman called T
A came on the phone, she said “I will call you back in 2 mins” I
gave her my land line number, she said “oh don't be worrying about
us calling your mobile because the government pays for the cost of
the calls” And there is another reason this country is totally
fucked up financially.
T
A rang me back and told me “your Lone Parents will continue because
your son is in his Leaving Cert year” I said “no it won't as
he's dropped out of school and I've sent you the letter from Lone
Parents stating this” She said “we have not received it, I will
look into it and call you back”
3rd
July
I
was awake
from 1.30am but I couldn't move, every part of me hurts. I eventually
went down to kitchen at 8am and youngest was still awake and just
going to bed. I forgot to get tea bags yesterday and asked him if
he'd go to the local shop for me, he said “no I will not go out
and get you tea bags, would you go out in the pissing down rain” I
told him “I have to do it for you both every single day but today
I'm ill” He said “you'll get over it”
My
Lone Parents has stopped so my Carers has to go up to full half rate
of €204. Should be simple eh but not with these idiots. Rang and
spoke to T A at 10am, she claimed “we have not received the Social
Welfare letter you sent stating Lone Parents had stopped” She said
“you are still getting Lone Parents” I said “no I am not and I
should know what's not in my bank account” she said “go to the
Community Welfare Officer” I would rather eat my own eyes than do
that. It is so frustrating when people do not care and do not do
their job properly, I do not believe for a minute that they have not
received that letter.
Had
to ring S at the Circuit Court at 10.30am to find out how to get a
divorce in default of defence, she said I cannot get a date until
October 12th,
that
date set alarm bells off in me but I could not for the life of me
remember why. She said she will email me the forms I have to fill in
and it has to be in triplicate and all sworn by a solicitor and sent
to the court and to the ex's solicitor. Only much later did I realise
why that date rang bells with me, it's only the bloody date I first
met the ex in 1988, how apt is that then.
4th
July
I
was up at 7.40am as youngest was just going to bed. What a mess his
life is and I have no one advising me or him of what to do to help
him.
More
crap from Lone parents and carers, I spent almost an hour on the
phone with them and still nothing's been sorted out, I can't be arsed
writing about it because it's a mess and I'm left without an income
because they cannot do their job right.
Ulster
bank is still not sorted.
Woman
called H rings me from Carers Allowance “I'm trying to sort your
claim for you She said “there is probably nothing I can do, it's a
nightmare that you're to be expected to live on €102 per week” I
told her “that's for me and my youngest to live on because my son
has no income” She said “I have been flat out ringing Social
welfare yesterday to get them to send a copy of the letter you sent
to Carers which we cannot find but no one is answering the phone” I
said “they never answer the phone and I'm too ill to go to them so
what the hell can I do” she asked me for the Social Welfare office
phone number so she could ring them again today.
I
was so sick down the toilet again but had to get out and get stuff in
for the boys. I got the 11am bus to Tesco, it was pissing down with
rain but coming back it was roasting and so was I because my
temperature had gone sky high, I felt so lousy. Eldest put the
shopping away for me tho when I got back. I have €10 left till
Christ knows when. It's just as well I was home because I had the
runs something chronic and now have a pounding headache and a really
sore throat. I am such a child when I'm ill but I cannot take to my
bed like other people, I have to keep going. Eldest kept telling me
to go to bed so I did at 3pm.
At
4pm youngest walked into my bedroom and woke me up asking “do you
want the hoovering done” I said “no thank you and I would have
preferred you didn't wake me up to ask me because I was asleep” he
walked away and just as I nodded off again he came back into my room
this time knocking on my door asking me “do you need the kitchen
done” I said “no thanks” he wasn't happy, he asked me “what's
up with you now” eldest shouted at him “get out of mum's room and
let her sleep she is ill” youngest continued with “I want to know
why she's in a bad mood with me” eldest said “I've just told you
she's ill so get the fuck out of her room or I will slap you fucking
hard” God almighty there is no peace to be had in this house, not
even in my bed.
5th
July
I
was up at 5am after sleeping on and off yesterday, T rang me when I
was in the bath at 8am
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text, she wants to meet me at 1.30pm instead of
2.30pm.
I've
been ringing the Social Welfare since 10am, it's now 12.41pm and
still no one answered the phone, it just keeps ringing out.
Got
the 1pm bus and walked up to Tesco to meet Edel from Gheel, the place
was packed so we sat outside. I had written down all going on
recently to read out to her because so much happens on a daily basis
and my memory is wrecked because I feel so ill. My phone then rang,
it was a woman from Social Welfare telling me that her “supervisor
has authorised your Lone Parents to continue until 12th
September because youngest cannot sign on for another 3 months” I
said “he cannot sign on full stop and there is nothing I can do to
force him to do it” I asked “can I have what you're telling me
in writing” she went off to speak to her supervisor and came back
on the phone and said “you do not need it in writing because it's
now on the system” I asked her “will I get any payment today”
she said “yes and sorry for not calling you back yesterday” I
ended up in tears of relief.
Edel
from Gheel said “a letter is being sent to the boys tomorrow about
the hours Gheel are paid to support them and it will probably arrive
on Monday” I just groaned, it's not what I or the boys have agreed
to, Gheel are just making it all up as they go along. My sons need to
be re housed and live an independent life. Edel said “this is all
that's on offer” I said “I do not want to live like this, I want
my own life, I don't want to be anybody's carer. I do not want this
drudgery of a life where I have to watch my every bloody move, watch
every bloody thing I say but if I had an ounce of gratitude, respect,
decency or love from my sons then it would all be so very different
but I don't and they won't so it's not how I want to live”
I
was told by Edel “Owen will take youngest to see the Professor on
the 11th
.
Paul
will be at your house from 2pm to 3pm to talk to eldest and then
again on Friday at 3pm to talk to youngest” not once was I asked
if this was convenient for me to have these strangers in my house.
Edel offered to drive me home but after reading a text said she
couldn't as she had to take a call at 2.45pm
I
walked to the roundabout to get the bus. I couldn't find my keys in
my hand bag so rang my eldest telling him he would have to open the
door to let me in and he said “no” I was so shocked hearing
that, he said “I'm not going near the front door because the
curtain has fallen down so anyone walking past the door would be able
to see me” I told him “get youngest up to fix it and one of you
had better open my door to let me in or I will come thru a window
because I'm on my last nerve” He said okay and when I got home he
opened the door for me.
Youngest
didn't get up till 4pm and wouldn't fix the front door curtain for me
either, he said “I want two sleeping tablets because taking one
does not work” I said “one has to be taken an hour before bed”
He said “ I will take them when I fucking like” I was still
talking to him when he just turned round and walked away from me.
Eldest asked him “why are you ignoring mum” youngest mumbled
something to him about sleeping tablets.
T
rang me again and said she may be up next Thursday. I hope she comes.
6th
July
I
went
to the cottage to change the locks and collect TSB mail I need for
court. The ex had posted the keys to the solicitor.
7th
July
Up
at 5am, I couldn't sleep. At 8am I went up to Tesco. When I got back
youngest said “why did you not tell me you were going shopping”
I said “you are never awake to tell you anything” He said “you
are a cunt” I'd just brought back 3 bags of shopping and all in the
bags were for him and his brother and he calls me a cunt. Horrible
person that he is. Eldest came down and told him “shut your fucking
mouth now” and he put the shopping in the fridge and freezer and
cupboards for me.
T
rang and whilst I was on the phone to her she heard youngest tell me
“I'm bored so I'm taking the dog for a walk but I'm not taking my
phone with me and you cannot make me” T shouted down the phone to
me, “do not fall for it Mam, he is only saying that to worry you”
I said to T “my youngest is an adult and if he doesn't want to
take his phone with him then that's his business and I'm not
proverbially wiping his ass for him any longer” T said “good for
you Mam” youngest slammed the door so hard going out that T heard
it too. He was back in the house ten minutes later. I have no idea
why he likes to play mind games, they will get him nowhere, with no
one.
9th
July
Eldest
came into my bedroom and said “he needs a kicking to make him see
sense because he was still awake at 5am and was annoying me because I
heard him typing all night and I'm sick of him” I told him “just
ignore him and I will talk to Edel from Gheel about it” eldest
shouted “what the fuck is she going to do about him then” I had
no answer to that.
Gheel
letters arrived for both eldest and youngest.
At
11.52am Edel from Gheel sent a text, “Are you free to take a call,
if you have no credit, call and hang up and I'll call you back”
Another
text from Edel at 12.09 saying she will call me from the office in a
few mins.
At
12.23pm Edel from Gheel rang me and I told her about youngests
behaviour and awful talk to me and I'm going to explode about it.
That he's up all night talking to some woman and getting no sleep and
when he's awake all he does is bitch and moan and he's now in a
permanent foul mood when awake and now eldest is saying that youngest
needs a kicking and if there is any violence at all, I will kick them
both out of my house. She told me to text her if I need to chat
later.
Youngest
unbeknown to me had heard every word I said to Edel from Gheel and
when I got off the phone he walked into the living room and asked me
“do you want a cup of tea and the carpet hoovered” I said “yes
please” he replied “go fuck yourself” and I lost it and started
shouting, he started laughing and walked up the stairs and ignored me
calling him back down. I couldn't believe what he just did, he's as
mental as his father, he is a clone of his father, that mad bastard
would have done exactly what youngest just did to me.
Eldest
asked youngest “why are you ignoring mum” no reply was given. I
do not need to put up with this, I do not need to put up with any
bugger disrespecting me. Then I started worrying in case he started
slashing himself again out of spite, out of attention because I am
convinced that is why he is doing it. If that is what he wants to do
then he can carry on doing it but not under my roof, I have had
enough.
I
went up to youngest and told him “you had better start copping on
and if you do not then you can pack a bag and leave and go annoy,
abuse and destroy someone else’s life and mental health because I'm
not taking it any more” Not a word out of him in reply.
I
ordered a pizza for them paid for by eldest but then forgot I had and
started cleaning the kitchen, I didn't hear the front door knocking
till I turned the tap off. Eldest came down and shouted up to
youngest that there was pizza in the kitchen, youngest screamed at
him “I don't fucking want it” I rang Gheel's outreach number and
told them youngest is driving me nuts, my youngest must have heard
that because he came straight down the stairs and politely asked me
“where is the pizza” Gheel must be questioning my sanity because
they have never heard or seen youngest as he really is with me, fuck
me, he has me questioning my own sanity. I know he is on a downward
spiral as that is how he went the last time, he had the major hump
about something or someone, probably some girl he met online who is
probably now ignoring him or he has upset someone with what he has
written to them, I am now waiting on more abuse, he will try to get a
rise out of me so he can have an argument and all his spite and venom
that is now a daily occurrence towards me will come pouring out of
him instead of confronting the person who has upset or ignored him,
he is not brave enough to try the same thing with my eldest because
he knows eldest resorts to violence every time then the explosion
will come and that is what I fear the most as only I get to deal with
it and pick up the pieces afterwards. I am convinced he is seriously
mentally ill.
I
took my dog out for a walk only so I could meet another adult just to
have some sort of normality to end my day with but I didn't meet a
living soul, this life is far too lonely for me. I got back at 9.15pm
and youngest walked into the kitchen and said “where the hell have
you been, I'm hungry for snacks” he means sweets but I'd not bought
any. I told him “there are none” and I went up to bed, he was
slamming things around in the kitchen, a grown man acting like a
toddler.
10th
July
Eldest
came down to the kitchen and I was
in the toilet. He demanded I “get out, I want to use the loo now”
I was trying to tell him about my dreams when out of the blue he
said “I do not want to hear it okay” I felt like screaming that I
had no one else to talk to because of him but I said nothing. I asked
him if he was hungry and he said yes so I made him a bacon baguette
and told him about youngest searching for snacks last night but not
eating much in the way of food which is a worry to me, Eldest said “I
warned you about buying snacks and sweets for youngest, I told you to
stop that” I asked him “who do you think you are talking to, I
will buy what I like, when I like because it's my money and I do the
shopping, not you” If a split personality is a mental illness then
I'm convinced that is what eldest has.
When
eldest walked into the living room with his book I knew it was my cue
to leave so I went to my bedroom and watched rubbish on the TV. Out
of nowhere I burst into tears, what the hell is wrong with me, I
don't know if it's loneliness or the weird dreams I had or if there
is a bloody full moon but I feel very down in the dumps, I see no
chink of light or bright coming.
It
is 1.18pm and I've had no return call from anyone at Gheel after my
text to them last night saying I need support around my boys and
their behaviour and abuse to me.
5.30pm
and still no call from anyone at Gheel. I took my dog with me to
walk to the local shop and back and there were awful flash floods, we
both got soaked, the poor dog, the winds took my breath away and the
mascara from my eyes. The poor dog was petrified when the thunder
started. I had to ring eldest and ask him to put the heating on for
me and to lay a towel on the hall floor for me as both me and the dog
were dripping wet.
Youngest
was coming out of the loo when I opened the front door, he laughed
when he saw me but he helped me get out of my jeans because they were
soaked and stuck to my legs so I looked like I'd been in the bath I
was that wet. He is a delight to be around when the old him is with
me, the kind and caring son that I love so much. He told me he got a
letter from CAO telling him to apply for a college place at DCU for
those on the Autism Spectrum and it's in conjunction with an American
college which means he can travel to America once he has finished it.
I was delighted, I said it would be perfect for him, he said he wants
to go to college, not uni, I said there is no difference over here
and it's better that his name is in the hat to be chosen that not in
it. No reply from him. I said why don't you take it and show it to
the Professor when you meet him and see what he advices and talk it
over with Paul at Gheel too. I know this would be an amazing
opportunity for him and give him something to focus on. I know he
would do brilliantly if he were to do this.
The
poor dog was desperately trying to find somewhere to hide in the
house because of the thunder. I started to clean the house because
strangers from Gheel will be here. Eldest came down to me asking what
time the person would be in the house tomorrow from Gheel, I told him
2pm ish but it could change, he asked me for two Xanax because the
thought of it was stressing him out. I told him I would also leave
some on the fireplace in the morning because I had to shoot out early
to get the shopping done but he had better not take too many or he
would remember nothing.
11th
July
I
got the 10am bus to Tesco and got drowned again which I was fed up
about, there is nothing worse than walking around in wet clothes.
Youngest
was in the bath when I got back and eldest was thumping on the door
because he was bursting for the toilet. He had a smile on his face
when I told him I got them pancakes from Mc Donalds. Youngest just
growled when he came out and I told him but he ate them anyway. He is
not communicating much any more, except verbal abuse at me, he left
at 1.45pm, Darragh collected him.
Eldest
was Xanaxed out of his head so he could cope with meeting Paul from
Gheel. When Paul arrived I said “I'm going to bed for a lie down
because I'm wrecked with tiredness” but before I went I asked him
“why did no one at Gheel respond to my calls and texts and I spoke
to Edel asking that either Edel, Darragh or you get back to me
because the people who were working were called Felix and Tony and I
didn't know them and I'd no energy to explain the history to total
strangers” I said “Edel said she would inform the three of you
and get one of you to call me yet not one of you did so why have a
service at all” Paul said “I've never heard of Felix or Tony”
completely skirting around and not answering my questions. I asked
him “what has you not knowing them got to do with anything, my only
concern is my youngest and how his behaviour has been” and I
started getting upset at the mere thought of the verbal abuse I get
from my son. Eldest butted in and said “I will tell Paul because I
know everything” I said “you can't tell him how I feel which is
why I've got these people as support” Paul said not one word, he
just stood in the middle of my living room with a gormless smile on
his face. I knew I would lash out verbally at him if I stayed where I
was so I took myself of to lie on my bed.
I
heard youngest return at 3pm, he went to the loo then straight to his
room, I called out to him but he ignored me, I rang his phone, he did
not answer it but he came into my bedroom. I asked him “how did
you get on with the professor” He didn't reply.
He
told me after 15 minutes “I have been given Melatonin to help me
sleep but I don't have the prescription” I asked him “who has
it” he shrugged his shoulders.
I
went downstairs and told Paul “I need to get that prescription for
my youngest” Paul with the gormless smile still on his face said
“I will bring it to you on Friday” I said “you will not, my
youngest is not waiting till Friday for something that's been
prescribed for him today and it will have to be changed into one from
our GP too so more running around for mammy to do” he was still
sitting there smiling. I sent Edel from Gheel a text telling her I
need that prescription for my son ASAP.
Paul
was only supposed to be at the house for one hour, given the fact
that my eldest always refused to see anyone you would think Paul
would have had some sense to know that one hour was just about what
my eldest could cope with, but oh no, Paul looked like he wasn't
going anywhere at all.
At
3.30pm I went into the living room and asked eldest if he was hungry
for his dinner, eldest looked confused at first because dinner is
always between 4 and 5pm, I moved my eyes sideways towards Paul and
eldest copped on and knew what I was trying to do, get Paul to leave.
Eldest laughed and said “yes I would like my dinner” And Paul
was still sitting. When I told eldest that his dinner was ready he
said “I'm not really hungry now” and I knew it was because Paul
was still here and eldest would not eat in front of him. I told Paul
“it's time you were leaving” and he looked at me like he couldn't
believe what I'd just said, I asked eldest if he wanted anything from
the shop and asked youngest if he wanted to come with me, youngest
said yes and we left the house. Youngest had nothing at all to say,
I wish he would just say in a calm way what's on his mind, life is so
much harder when you do not communicate what is wrong with you.
When
I get back to the house Paul had left. Eldest told me “it went okay
but I feel Paul overstayed his welcome and I want my own prescription
of Xanax for the next visit because I could feel them wearing off as
time went on and I want to take them till I get used to these visits”
He went to get his dinner and said “I'm starving and he walked
off into the kitchen but within seconds he was back in the living
room with a sneer on his face and his voice was low and angry, he
said “I lent Paul one of my books and you need to ask him for it
back, I have no interest in meeting or conversing with these people,
I am honestly only interested in fixing my anxiety and all they are
interested in is pushing me into education and employment and I want
you to sort it out” I said “it would be better coming from you”
he was then screaming at me “you have to deal with it and sort it
out”
Yet
I have no doubts at all that Paul would be writing out a report for
Gheel stating that he had a successful meeting with my eldest and
those idiotic fuckers do not get to see or hear or deal with any
backlash at all.
The
rest of the night my eldest was extremely anxious, he was up and down
the stairs all day and all night and I mean all day and all night
and my nerves were shattered, he was shouting “I'm being forced to
have a CV and I have fucking nothing to put on a CV cos I've fucking
done nothing to put on a CV. He was extremely agitated and shouting
“I want the meetings stopped till I've tried CBT, all that's wrong
with me is anxiety, once I get that fixed I will be fine and you've
got to tell them this, you had better get them all told”
He
left then returned again and said “Gheel now have an open house and
have a gym and Paul said I can go when no one else is around and I
was okay with that but I've had a think about it and I don't fucking
want to go” Just then he got a text from Paul and he almost went
thru the roof, he was freaking out because he thought I'd been
“secretly sending Paul texts about all I'm telling you” I told
him “I haven't told Paul anything but I will email Edel about it
and you should reply to Paul's text and tell him I want him to call
me because I want to speak to him” I then asked him “have you
told Paul any of what you just told me” and he shouted “off
course I fucking haven't”
So
Paul had just been in my house for two hours with a very medicated
and placid eldest who probably agreed to everything he was told and
now Paul was no longer here I was getting all my eldests angst, worry
and rage and no fucker gets to see this side of him just like they
don't get to see youngest when he's exactly the same way towards me.
Eldest
told me he sent Paul a text to ring me but surprise, surprise, no
call from Paul came but my eldest was awake the whole night checking
with me constantly and I mean every ten minutes “have you spoken to
Paul yet because I don't want him at the house on Saturday or I will
snap” I would be fucking snapping myself too because he wasn't
giving me one minutes peace.
I
sent Edel from Gheel an email and a text about it, telling her my
eldest is extremely anxious and doesn't want any more meetings with
them, that he just wants his anxiety fixed.
Youngest
very quietly told me he wasn't hungry and was going to bed. I'm
worried sick about him, I know his low moods mean something awful is
going to happen soon.
At
10pm I asked eldest if he would come out for a walk with me and the
dog and he said yes, being away from the oppressive atmosphere in the
house is always a good thing and we can hopefully talk normally.
Eldest
told me “Paul seemed to be very interested in my brother and he
asked me a lot of questions about him” I was furious at hearing
that but I bit my lip. Paul from Gheel was at my house to engage with
my eldest on a slow basis so as to build up trust at first and then
slowly help him to try and engage with the outside world and not
fucking question him on his brother or his father which eldest told
me he had.
12th
July
I've
had little sleep worrying about youngest and him being so low again,
I just noticed too that I must have been scratching all night because
between my fingers I have erupted in weeping eczema. It's 4.15am so I
didn't bother going back to sleep. My laptop is not working again and
I dare not ask the boys to have a look at it for me in case they take
the head of me.
On
the 9am bus to Tesco, my life is like ground hog day. A woman called
P called me over to her checkout, I love talking to her because she's
so funny and nice, she told me that I had been on her mind and she
wants me to get in touch with a woman she knows who's a fortune
teller and it will cost me €50 but she's very good. I just laughed,
if I had a spare €50 it certainly would not be spent on a fortune
teller. I bought eldest a pair of flat shoes because his doc martins
are giving him blisters when he goes out for a walk with me.
Eldest
helped me put away the shopping when I got back and I went for a lie
down as I'd been awake since 4.15am but I got no sleep at all. It's
now 5pm and there is no sign of youngest getting out of bed yet.
T
sent me a text to say she will not be coming after all. I'm gutted as
I was so looking forward to her arriving.
Youngest
didn't get up till 7pm. I called up to the boys at 8.30pm telling
them I was taking my dog out for a walk and asked did they want to
come with me, the answer was no.
I
was fast asleep in bed when a noise woke me up. Youngest was in my
bedroom, he frightened the life out of me. I looked at my phone for
the time, it was 11.30pm, I asked him what he was doing, he said he
was switching the router on and off because the internet was off and
he walked out. Eldest then came in and asked me “why did youngest
march into your room” after I told him he said “you'd better
start locking your door then” I said “I hate the noise of keys
jangling so I wont be doing that and you know why” but I admit I
did crap myself at my youngest being in my room whilst I was asleep.
I couldn't sleep after that and was awake until 5.30am.
13th
July
Paul
of Gheel rang me at 10.26am. I told him politely all that was on my
mind re his visit with my eldest and the questioning of him about his
brother and his father. Paul said “it wasn't like that” I said
“my eldest didn't make it up” he said “I didn't mean that”
then he quickly changed the subject to “I hope youngest will be up
out of bed for me” I told him “you need to handle my youngest
with kid gloves because only I will get any grief he thinks and feels
towards you, only I will get the back lash” Paul said “I will go
to the doctor with youngest to get the prescription changed to an HSE
one” I said “that will take too much time and I've already rang
the receptionist so I don't have to make an appointment and she will
get it done for me” Paul said “I will come out a bit early”
My
friend rang me, she said she will come to visit me tomorrow at 3pm. I
am making her a throw because I missed her birthday.
Edel
from Gheel picked me up at 2.45pm. I had woken youngest up at 2pm to
remind him that Paul was coming at 3pm for him. Edel took us to Tesco
cafe. After filling her in about the boys and the court I told her of
“my anger at your removal of my personal angry letters to my sons
and you had no right to take them from them or from my house, would
you do that to a colleague or another adult” no answer from her
about it at all, instead she told me “not to worry because they're
not on file with the Disability Manager, they're in Gheels file” I
said “I couldn't care less where they are, they belong to my sons
and you had no right at all to read them or to not hand them back nor
to remove them from my house, they are not yours or Gheels business
at all and I want them back so my sons have them for ever more
because they are personal to them and them alone and you'd better not
have copied them or banded them around” she said “that's okay, I
will get them back to you” I said “they're not for me, they are
the property of my sons and no one should have taken their property
from them” She had no reply to that at all. She took me to the
doctor to pick up youngests Melatonin prescription but I was told the
doctor was on holiday and hadn't changed it to one of his and a locum
was standing in but only in the mornings so there was nothing the
receptionist could do. I was gutted, I know youngest really wanted to
try these meds to get some sleep. Edel took me to Drumcondra, she
said “they will change it because Gheel use them all the time but
you might have to pay the full price for them because I don't think
youngests medical card will cover the cost” Into a GP practice
that Gheel use we went and the doctor changed the prescription no
problem but when I took it to a chemist, they said they didn't have
any Melatonin in stock and would need to order it in, I told them I
would try at my local chemist. Edel was going to drop me off at the
bus stop but she ended up driving me home because she could see I was
anxious and flustered because I was going home with no medication for
youngest and I knew what this would mean for me from his mouth. Edel
said “you have a great affinity with people” because I was
chatting away to people who were coming in and out of the doctors
practice that she took me to. I got back at 6pm and got the boys
dinner, my youngest is still far too quiet and did not say one word
about his meeting with Paul, he hadn'teven opened his letter from
them which I presume is the details of this new open house they have
started. I went to bed at 10pm but got woke up by someone’s car
alarm going off at 2.30am. That is seven full days of disturbed sleep
now.
14th
July
I
cleaned the house from top to bottom because my friend is coming
today. I've finished crocheting her throw and wrote her a personal
message and put into a frame for her. I have a feeling she's not just
coming out to see me, I think she must be leaving work too, it's just
a feeling I have, if she leaves work then she won't be able to call
me on Friday's any more and that will leave me with an awful sadness
because I have known and spoken to her since 2007 and she has got me
thru many a dark time.
Eldest
said he would come to the local shop with me so we went a new short
cut way then both laughed because it seemed to take longer than the
way we usually walked. We are both concerned about youngest being so
down and so quiet and for eldest to say he's worried about his
brother means he knows it's going to be bad when whatever is
bothering youngest is finally going to come out and it will be in an
explosion of sorts. All I can see is the ex in my head as he always
went the same way and I think it was manic depression he had yet
Gheel will not listen to me about this. Eldest asked me if I thought
he was like his father, I laughed and said “fuck no, you are far
too much like me boy” and that made him happy as he laughed. I was
tho lying but only to spare his feelings and I think he knows this
too. I know he's always worried that he will turn out like his dad, I
know he has turned out like him and I know he cannot help it, it's
not his fault but only he has control over his behaviour and the
names he calls me and things he says to me and threatens me with so
he should really know better.
My
friend arrived at 3pm and it was fantastic to see her because I
hadn't for ages. I told her I was shocked at finding out she's a
certain age because she doesn't look that age then I laughed because
I'm not that far behind in age myself but in my head I am still in my
20's. We had a long chat then she told me that she actually left her
job and asked would it be okay for someone else in the office to ring
me on Friday's. She said she's started up her own business now and
told me all about it and I'm so happy for her, she's such a
remarkable woman, I do not call her my Guardian Angel for nothing. I
gave her the frame and the throw and she cried and that started me
off. After an hour and a half she left and at the car she told me she
will still call me on Friday's because I am more than a client, more
like soul mates or something she said and the tears sprang into my
eyes again at such kind words. I told her if not for her and her
weekly support on the phone all these years I would have been dead at
my own hands a long time ago which is why I call her my angel. She
said we will always be in touch now. My friend drove off and I kept
waving, she will never know how much she means to me, she knows
everything about every aspect of my life and she has never let me
down, never judged me for my big swearing mouth and never wavered in
her support of me, I am proud that I can now call her my friend,
bless her kind and good heart.
When
I came back into the house eldest came down with a form he wanted me
to help him fill in for Gheel, it was for the open house Gheel are
starting, he said “I am interested in doing relaxation and going to
the gym but not anything else and I don't want to do any courses, I
just want a job stacking shelves or something, I want to start at the
bottom and work my way up like all CEO's I've read about have done”
The form asks how he will travel to the open house, eldest said “I
don't know” I said “well you don't do buses and taxi's will cost
far too much so someone will have to provide you with transport to
get you there and back till your ready to travel alone on public
transport” He didn't answer me. I was wondering later to myself if
the open house is always staffed because if Paul is not available or
he's called away on an emergency then a plan will have to be put in
place so eldest is not left on his own because I have no transport to
collect him. I will have to find all this out from Paul. My motto is
to always have a Plan B cause I sure found out the hard way to do
that.
Youngest
came into the kitchen. Eldest asked him if he had filled in his form
from Gheel, youngest said no. I tried to get youngest to talk and I
spoke positively about the open house but he said in a very formal
voice “I have no interest in going anywhere except doing the
courses I have chosen for myself” and “I do not want to speak or
meet with anyone from Gheel, I do not want any more meetings with
anyone, it was you who arranged all of this” eldest butted in and
said “mum knew nothing, it was Paul who told me and he wanted to
tell you” I tried to tell youngest why he needed more people other
than me in his life and how eldest has also agreed that needs to
happen but youngest was having none of it but he did stay and chat
about his courses and the timetable he has made to fit in doing as
many as he can at the same time. I said nothing, I just kept all
light and airy and did not say what was on my mind. I told him that
“I will inform Edel from Gheel on Monday that you're not interested
in their open house and that they're not to bother you with it” He
seemed easier in himself when I said this, he then said he was going
for a bath. I can sense that maybe he coming out of that dark place
he's been in.
Eldest
was making himself a sandwich when he asked me if I wanted him to
make one for me too and he did and I enjoyed it, it is the first time
he has ever made me anything. I am chuffed to bits.
15th
July
Youngest
went to the local shop with me and I had to remind him yet again that
us having a conversation does not mean I'm allowing him a free pass
to slag me off as is his normal way of conversing with me. He wasn't
happy about that but was okay once in the shop because he got his
diet coke and sweets and he was smiling at me. His smile always tugs
on my heart strings.
16th
July
Eldest
was in the living room when I got up this morning so I took my
breakfast up to my bedroom because he likes to read in peace and
quiet and me munching my breakfast would drive him nuts. When I was
taking my plates down the stairs I had a strange blood rush to my
head and nearly keeled over and had to yell for eldest to come and
help me, he grabbed my hand and helped me to the couch, I had to walk
with my head hanging down low to feel any kind of normal, it felt
very strange. I have lost all and any energy and there is no
explanation for it. As soon as I felt the woolliness in my head ease
a bit I quickly made bacon sarnies for the boys lunch in case I had
to get to the hospital. When I sat back on the couch after doing that
I just couldn't move again.
Edel
from Gheel sent me a text at 1.27pm. I had to borrow my eldests phone
to call her and tell her I was feeling ill but told her she was
welcome to come to the house because she was already driving out this
way. She arrived and gave me back the boys letters that I'd gone mad
at her about removing from the house. She said “I'm not going to be
in Dublin on Friday but will still be available to take a call from
you” I told her “my eldest is interested in the open house but
youngest wants nothing to do with it and has his own plans” She
said “youngests next appointment is set up for Thursday at 2pm and
it's up to youngest to tell Paul himself that he's not attending and
you have to try and take a step back and youngest will soon learn to
talk for himself” I told her the exact words that would be used
and showered on me from youngest if I did not talk up for him and
asked her “do you think by looking at the state of me that I'm at
present fit for any of that” She said “I know how hard it must
be for you” She hasn't got a clue but they are trained and paid to
talk like that, the pretence concern and care and empathy does not
exist in their DNA at all in my view. She left at 2pm and she did
show genuine concern when I walked her to the front door and saw how
I kept my head hung low to stop the mad rushing feeling I have in my
head, she said “you need to go to bed and stay there and then when
you felt better, get yourself to the doctor and get some blood tests
done”
Eldest
helped me up the stairs and I went to bed and slept till 4.45pm, I
called eldest and told him I was feeling no better so I couldn't cook
and asked did he want a takeaway, he said okay. Youngest said he
didn't want anything to eat but he came out of his bedroom to help me
down the stairs with my head swinging low so I could pay for the
takeaway delivery then he made me a cup of tea, my lovely boy was
back. The awful feeling I'm having feels like I'm underwater but only
in my head, it is the strangest feeling.
I
didn't see a sign of the boys from 6pm onwards. I went into a bath in
case I had to go to hospital because I now have an awful sledgehammer
headache and I'm worried about myself.
17th
July
I
still feel very strange but much better than I did yesterday, thank
god. Eldest came and asked me how I was feeling which was nice of
him, I told him so much better than yesterday but still not 100% he
said he would go to the shop with me. I had no intention of going
anywhere but it must have meant he needed something, he said he'd run
out of bars he wanted so we walked to the shop but the shop nor the
chemist had what he wanted, he said he could go without them for one
day which I was pleased about. I was thinking if I had been on my
own and found out there was no bars that he wanted I would have ended
up going miles to track them down for him so I wouldn't get a verbal
roasting from him or him giving me the cold shoulder because it would
have been my fault but here he was saying he can go without for one
day and I felt so proud of him. I asked him if he could cover this
months UPC bill so I can pay extra to the other bills, he said yes
and said he he was sick of telling me that he will pay UPC all the
time because the internet is one thing he cannot go without, I told
him thanks but I like to pay my own bills but one month will help me
out a great deal, he said okay. When we got back youngest was
getting out of bed and said not one word to either me or eldest, he
just went to the loo and went back to bed again. Please god no,
don't let him slip down hill again.
Just
going to the shop wiped me out of all energy yet again, this is not
like me at all as I'm always on the go doing something and I need to
clean the house because Paul is coming tomorrow to see my eldest.
At
5pm youngest got up, I told him there was cooked chicken pieces in
the fridge for him and I would be taking my dog for a walk at 6pm if
he was interested in getting out for some air, he said he was still
tired so would probably go back to bed. I then told my eldest I was
taking my dog out and he got dressed and said he would come with me.
Youngest then came down dressed too but when I told him eldest was
coming as well, he said “not going then” Me and eldest walked my
dog round the park and the awful dizziness came back with a
vengeance, I had to take eldests arm to get home.
T
rang me and said she needed a huge favour. I would do anything for
that girl but I could not do what she asked. She wanted to go on
holiday and needed someone to live with her daughter for a week
because she couldn't take her out of school in term time, I said I
would do it willingly if she could come to my house but I'm not
leaving the boys alone for a week.
Youngest
has eaten nothing yet again, all that chicken is going to waste.
20th
July
Eldest
told me “Paul (from Gheel) sent me a text and he's changed the day
and time he will meet me next week” I was so exasperated, those
fuckers are not experts in anything except changing goalposts and
talking bullshit. My eldest has Autism, he does not like change which
the so called experts apparently know about and are trained in but
bollix to the Autistic's as they call them, he has to fit in with
them not the other way round. My eldest was not happy getting that
text, he walked up to his bedroom.
Youngest
came down to me and handed me Paul from Gheels note to read, “because
I cannot read the writing” Paul's note was asking him to “re
think and meet up” with him. My youngest was not a happy chappy, he
said “how many times do I have to say that I want nothing to do
with them” I said “send him a text” youngest said “I have
no credit” I said “send a free web text then” he shouted “no,
you just tell them to leave me the fuck alone, I'm not interested in
anything to do with them, okay” That is youngest, when his mind is
made up he draws a line in the sand and nothing on earth will make
him change his mind but life is not like that, everyone has to be
flexible and communicative.
I
wrote myself a draft list I want to talk to Edel from Gheel about:
1/
My youngest is not interested in anything to do with Gheel so leave
him alone.
2/
Paul Burbage was in my house for 2 hours instead of the one hour I
was told he would be here, I repeatedly told Paul to mind his time
and I'm not happy about him quizzing my eldest about my youngest son
and his father. They need to appreciate they are entering my house, I
have my own routine and I'm finding it hard to deal with the invasion
of my home.
3/
My eldest wants his own prescription of medication that I will not
agree to because he's always saying he wants to die and I never want
to see my son collapsed unconscious on a floor ever again.
21st
July
I
grilled a full packet of bacon for eldest and put it on a baguette
but he saw a fly and said he wasn't eating the baguette and he threw
it on the floor for my dog. I was internally seething, I could have
eaten that myself.
22nd July
Eldest
came down at 7pm and told me “you should not buy youngest any more
snacks” I told him “snacks are not making youngest stay in bed,
he just does not want to be awake during the day” Eldest said
“every time you buy him snacks it means you're rewarding him for
bad behaviour” and he walked away. I called out to him “I find
it remarkable that you're giving me parenting advice about someone
being possibly Manic Depressive when you've never been a parent
yourself yet and youngest is 19 years old, not a child”
I
went to bed myself but woke up at 1.30am and saw my youngests light
was still on. I had all these thoughts in my head about what I want
to say to him but it would either come out wrong or be taken wrong by
him so best I said shag all. My biggest fear was always that youngest
would be in the same position as eldest and lo and behold he has
surpassed that. I was still awake at 5am so went down and put the TV
on and youngest came down to use the loo and I knew he would hear the
TV on he didn't come near me. What a mess. If he would only open up
and say what was wrong because he knows I would move heaven and earth
to help him.
Off
to local shop for a quick shop, eldest was waiting on the stairs for
me when I returned, he took the shopping from me and put it away for
me which I am always grateful for.
23rd
July at 2.09pm
I
rang the Disability appeals office and got told youngest had been
awarded Disability Allowance but they didn't know how long the
process would take. I ran up the stairs to tell my youngest but when
he heard the part about they don't know how long the process would
take he told me “get out of my room, I'm not interested in hearing
your voice” The cheeky fucker that he is, it took me so long to do
that second appeal for him, the hounding of all professionals, the
cost of ink and paper, the stress of only having mere days to get it
all together and this is good news for him and he talks to me like
that, well fuck him to kingdom come and back, it will be snowing in
hell before I do anything else for him again, the ignorant twat that
he is.
24th
July
I
was awake at 5am, these early waking hours with disturbed sleep due
to youngest being awake all night and not giving a thought to anyone
he disturbs with the noise he makes is making me and eldest feel and
act like bears with sore heads. I heard youngest go to the loo at
8.25am, he was up early for a change. I asked him “have you
anything on today to be up this early” he said “I've not been to
bed yet and I lost it with him, I have told him many times how mental
health is affected with the lack of sleep and knocking your body
clock out of kilter and he's only doing it to keep up with women in
America. I told him “you're an idiot, both me and eldest are sick
of our sleep being disturbed by you” he said “thank you” then
called me a “vicious cunt” as he was walking up the stairs. He
is an idiot, he writes to young girls and tells them he loves them
and how they should love themselves, does he not realise that he's a
man of 19 years and most of them on tumblr are troubled young kids.
I could frigging well shake him but I believe no sense would get into
him at all if I did shake him.
Eldest
came down and I told him what I'd said to my youngest, he said “that
prick will never listen to anyone, he deserves to get into trouble”
I didn't need to hear that.
A
poor little Jack Russell dog was in my back garden and it was sopping
wet so I let him in to lie on my dogs bed, the poor thing was
shivering so much. I started cleaning and eldest asked me why I was
doing it because no one was coming to the house, I said “you cheeky
git, I clean the house every bleeding day, who else do you think
lifts and cleans and puts all away, do you think fairies come in the
night and cleans” He laughed his head off then reminded me “I've
got that Paul coming at 4pm to take me to the open house” I asked
him if he had enough Xanax, he said “yes, I've taken two and have a
packet and a half left, I will only take them when necessary”
My
arthritis has got bad in my ankles. I'm praying it doesn't flare up
enough to stop me from walking.
I
asked eldest “do you have your key on you, make sure you shut the
front door properly when you go out with Paul” I heard him go out
and not a word of cheerio or goodbye mum out of him, little things
like that hurt me and I have no idea why, I suppose I brought myself
up with respect as they were brought up by me but none comes my way
and every one else thinks they are the perfect gentlemen.
Eldest
came back at 5pm, that was the hour up as far as Gheel were concerned
but oh no Paul comes into the house and takes root on the chair
despite me telling Edel from Gheel one hour only in my house as that
was all my eldest could comfortably cope with otherwise it's me that
gets it in the neck when Paul leaves. The only voice I heard was
Paul's who must think that my eldest is hugely into fitness and
nutrition because that was his sole topic of conversation, my poor
eldests eyes must be glazing over by now. I was bursting to go to
the toilet but they left the living room door open and I didn't want
to be seen by Paul and dragged into his nonsensical chitter chatter,
all I wanted to hear was what eldest really thought of the open house
and not Paul's version of events.
At
5.30pm youngest woke up and came into my room and asked me “who is
making all the noise down stairs” he only had his fleece blanket
wrapped round him and he too needed the toilet, when I told him it
was Paul, he groaned, that said a lot without any words. It dawned
on me that youngest wouldn't go down the stairs either in case he got
waylaid by Paul into changing his mind about meeting him. I called
down the stairs and asked Paul “how much longer are you going to be
because you collected eldest at 4pm and it's now after 5.30pm and
youngest wants the toilet and you should only be with my eldest for
an hour” Paul shouted back “I wont be long” but instead of
realising he'd overstayed his welcome as far as the rest of this
family was concerned and I'd just told him so in my own way he simply
carried on. Eldest then came running up the stairs asking me “why
are you throwing a tantrum” I said “watch your mouth, I have
already discussed people coming into my house with Edel and it's
supposed to be for one hour and I would like my house back now so
youngest feels comfortable going down the stairs” Eldest told
youngest “I will close the living room door so you can go down, we
are discussing education so it's important” My eldests education
was not important when I did all in my power to get him one, he just
rejected it all. Paul left the house at 5.50pm. I told youngest to
get to the loo and be quick but he didn't leave his room so I flew
down because I was desperate. Eldest followed me and stood outside
the bathroom door and asked me “why were you going ballistic” I
said “quit exaggerating” he said “you were throwing a tantrum”
I asked him “are those your words or Paul’s because I'd like to
know and it wasn't a tantrum it was speaking my mind in my own house
and I've already told Edel from Gheel that Gheel care workers are
only allowed in my house for one hour, that is what they get paid for
and if Paul wants to talk about himself and his fitness plan and his
daily nutrition then he can do it elsewhere and not have me and
youngest stuck upstairs bursting for the loo, the walls are so thin
that we would have been heard peeing for god sake” Eldest walked
off and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night so I didn't even
get to find out if he would be attending the open house on a regular
basis and if transport will be provided for him because if not then I
know it will be me, Mrs Muggings that will have to take him there and
back. I would also have told him that from now on he can have these
meetings in his bedroom with Paul because I spend the majority of my
time in the living room and kitchen and it feels like my space is
being invaded.
Youngest
then came down and didn't say a word. Here we go again was all I
could think. He put his happy face on when I produced diet coke and
chocolate but I asked him to please eat some food before eating and
drinking these. He offered me some of his chocolate and asked me
twice if I wanted “a cup of tea” which was lovely of him.
Youngest chatted about Paul, he said “he's so annoying and always
laughing no matter what you say to him” I said “eldest probably
thinks in his head that he's got a mate now and will not realise that
all said and all done will be wrote down on a file somewhere by Paul
to justify Gheel's cost to the HSE”
25th
July
My
back went snap again when I got out of bed this morning, thank god
youngest was awake because I called my eldest to come and help me but
I got ignored and youngest came into me instead. I pleaded with him
to come out shopping with me because no way could I carry anything in
this state and I had no money in my purse so had to get to a cash
machine. Youngest told me he hadn't been to bed yet. I told him
another hour wouldn't kill him this once because I needed his help so
badly today, he said okay so I tried to iron a shirt for him but the
iron then broke.
I
got my money out of the bank and paid my rent and bills and had €40
left to last us the week. I showed my youngest what I had left after
paying everything. He said “sorry” and not to buy him his daily
diet coke. I said “I'm not telling you for that reason, it's just
so you know the cost of living” he said “I know anyway” I let
the subject drop because my painkillers were wearing off and I needed
to get home. I made us sausage and egg but eldest said he didn't want
anything. I took more painkillers and went to bed, I was in agony,
every time I turned over in bed my back went into spasms. Eldest must
have been on Xanax because he was on his exercise bike non stop and
driving me and youngest nuts with the noise his bike makes.
26th
July
Eldest
told me that I need to go and get him two things for his computer. I
told him my back is in agony, he said “take some pain killers then
and I will pay for a taxi there and back” I asked youngest to go
with me, he said okay. So like the martyr I have become I went off
and got what eldest wanted and loads of ice lollies because it's
roasting hot and eldest is melting in this heat. Youngest hoovered
the carpet for me when we got back because he didn't want me bending
down, bless his kind heart, he used to always be this way so I now
always appreciate when this kind side of him comes back.
Now
that eldest was happy with me getting his computer bits he decided
I'm good enough to talk to again. He said “I will not be going to
the open house” and my heart sank, I was thinking of the long term
of him getting used to going out and me getting a break for at least
an hour from him. I asked him why he had now changed his mind, he
said “the so called gym is just a treadmill” and “what will
happen if I'm left there on my own because Paul has proved he can
change things at the last minute because he changed the day and time
to meet once already” he said “I want to know how long it will
take me to get from the house to the gym if I get stuck on my own”
He then said “I don't want any dinner” I asked him “would you
like the next meeting with Paul to take place in your bedroom and I
will make sure it's just for an hour” he said “no fucking way”
I said “that's how I feel because the living room is where I spend
most of my time” he said “I was out at the open house for 45
minutes so you could have been in it then” I said “I was busy
cleaning the bedroom and Paul is paid for an hour which I'm fine
about and I'd told Edel from Gheel I only want him in my house for an
hour but after that I will not be fine because I want my space back”
eldest nodded his head to that.
27th
July
Had
a talk with Edel from Gheel, she said she will make sure that Paul
knows he's only to be at my house for one hour and no more than that
because I told her the meetings can be held elsewhere if he doesn't
adhere to my wishes.
Youngest
has swollen tonsils and said he feels ill. Had to go out and buy him
pain killers. He watched the Olympics with me and told me he's
talking to a girl called C.
29th
July
I
had no ink left and needed to print out a 14 day notice for the ex
and his solicitor to get my divorce in default of defence but I've no
address for him so I wrote to his aunt to see if she would reply and
let me know where he is because I cannot track him down.
30th
July
Woke
up 5.30am. I had so much on my mind and so much to do that I had to
get up and write a list out. Youngest came down at 8.30am and said
he'd not slept yet. He asked me what I was doing today, I said I was
going to the court to make sure my 14 day warning letter to his
father about my divorce was written properly, he said he would come
with me because he didn't feel tired yet.
We
got the 10am bus to town, at one of the stops going into town, a
young lad jumped off our bus and walked in front of the bus and he
got hit by a white van going fast, the poor lad, I let a yell out of
me because I saw it happen, he was lying on the street with blood
coming out of his head, I thought some poor mother is going to get a
knock on her door and be in shock, cars stopped and the people in
them ran over to help him, he was rubbing his head but I knew that
was just instinct because he had a head wound and needed emergency
help fast, his leg was in a terrible position so was obviously
broken, it shook me up seeing that happen, I wanted to get off and
help but there were many people with him within seconds. God love
him, I hope he'll be alright.
Into
the Circuit Court, I asked for S and she read then stamped my 14 days
notice and told me I now had to make a motion of default and had 14
days to serve it and if I have no address for him I have to post it
to the solicitors who are on record at the court for him. More work
to do.
I
told my youngest “I feel a bit weird writing to his Aunt after all
these years” youngest said “don't be feeling anything at all
because we need to track him down and it's about time someone in his
family knew the truth about him and even if she doesn't reply then
you will know that you tried everything” and he gave me a hug. My
sensible wonderful son was back and in my arms too. I was so proud
of him for saying that to me, it gave me such a lift in spirits. We
had to run for the bus to get home and I could feel my ankle grind, I
have always said never run for any reason other than away from a fire
or a knife but I never take my own heed but I should do because now
I'm limping. Eldest came down and I winked at him and he asked me
what I was doing that for. I later told him that my youngest of old
was back and that was why I winked at him, to let him know that all
was okay and there was no drama except for a poor lad getting knocked
down which shook me up. I was horrified when eldest started laughing
at that, I hope that was just a nervous reaction from him because if
not then I'm worried about his sanity because there was nothing funny
about that at all.
Youngest
was still awake at 3pm then said he was going off to “crash out”
at 6pm and reminded me about his Lustral prescription so I rang the
doctors and have to collect his prescription in the morning.
31st
July
Got
my youngests prescription from the doctor and had to wait almost an
hour in the chemist for them, it was pissing down with rain and my
ankle was on fire. When I told the girl in the chemist I couldn't
miss another bus because it's a 40 minute walk home for me with
shopping in the rain and I have a bad ankle she said “we're busy”
I said “I better not miss my bus” and I was handed the medication
so I caught the bus with seconds to spare. Just the short walk from
the bus stop to the house had me soaking wet and all my pain and
frustrations came pouring out of me when I got into the house. My
youngest is an able bodied, highly intelligent man of 19 years who is
taking the pure piss out of me. I cannot do this any more, I have
financial and court worries coming out of every pore of mine, I am
coming down either ill or in pain as each week passes and there I
stood soaked to the skin and limping badly with an arthritic ankle.
I told my youngest “put a reminder on your phone for the next time
your meds are due because I cannot keep running at the last minute to
do these things for you” he said “I didn't ask you to go and get
them, stop your bitching and moaning” I could have gladly
slaughtered him on the spot, instead I burst into tears, a very bad
sign I'm getting as low as can be, he then said “sorry”
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