Thursday, August 23, 2018
Finding Strength 2007
2nd January
I rang the District court and spoke to the court clerk. I told him about the ex’s trick over Xmas and how bad it had impacted on us. He said “Oh did he now, well he's in contempt of court and a warrant will be sent out for his arrest on the 10th January”
4th January
I had call from the court clerk from the District court, he told me “your man arrived in court in response to the letter I sent him telling him a warrant was going to be issued next week, he showed me two receipts, one was for €20 and the other for €490 so I asked him about the letter he wrote and gave to your solicitor to be sent to you, claiming €300 was for the boys Xmas, he denied it and said he could not afford anything for his sons because he cannot feed myself and said no he cannot afford to pay anything now either” I was dumbfounded. I told the clerk “that man is nothing but a wicked lying bastard” The clerk said “I agree with you” I told him I will get a copy of the ex's “denial” (letter) sent to you because no one gets to make a frigging liar out of me. So the ex's cruelty and spitefulness left me with €100 for the three of us to live on for food, for coal, for every frigging thing for 6 days.
I rang L at the agency I trust and told her “I can't continue like this, this is not living, I can't even cover the basics and we are freezing” L said “I've heard plenty of cruelty going on in my time but for any man to know exactly how to play the law and do what he did and to his own children is beyond even me now, he must have put a lot of planning into what he wrote and did and all at Xmas time too” She said she would ring the local Family Resource Centre and get them to give me €100 on their behalf so I could at least pay my rent” This is all so humiliating. I hope to fuck Karma exists, I really do.
Del, the social worker turned up unannounced yet again and I bit the head of him when I opened the door. I showed him the letter the ex-had written and told him “doesn’t it all look good down on paper” Del said “it's perfectly obvious the man does not care about anyone except himself” He asked me how I was and I told him in my own fashion, I said “I'm fucked off, pissed off, fed up, drained, I cannot sleep, I'm finding it hard to cope, especially with poverty on top, struggling to keep our heads above water and I cannot walk because I'm in agony” Well he did ask. He said “you are doing a great job”
7th January
My eldest came running down the stairs saying “Dad sent me an email” (could not for Xmas tho) the email said “how are you, you are very good at modding” eldest said “he must have googled his own name because he sent me a link to a sports car owned by someone else with the same name” Nasty swine of a man, he cannot ensure they are fed, clothed, have heat, he cannot send a Xmas card, text them or phone them but he does this. I hate him. My poor youngest went to check his emails but nothing had been sent to him. That nasty bastard, if I ever get my hands on him I will happily rearrange his face.
8th January
I spent 40 minutes trying to get my youngest up for school but he just refused point blank telling me “I'm not going” then called me a “fucking bitch” the cheeky git. I need this shit like a hole in the head, no amount of shouting or even trying to drag him out of his bed would shift him. I'm sick with worry that this may get us into trouble as eldest has not been in school since May last year. I'm going to have the law at my door, they take this very seriously. I had to ring the school and talk to the Principal, she is so lovely, she asked me if he could be getting bullied. I said I will find out and he had better not be. She told me to ring the School Welfare who were in the school now. I rang A and told her I need help, she came straight down to the house but youngest just fled to his room and refused to speak to her.
9th January
I had a letter from the ex’s solicitor dated the 21st December, denying knowing anything about our missing belongings, like fuck he does not know, he said he'd not taken anything but was now offering to return some plates, cups and cutlery. Are they all barking mad? he is denying taking anything but on the same page is offering to return what he's not removed a full five months after we have left. He denied taking the bed duvets too, the lying piece of scum. So we all slept for three weeks fully clothed on top of our rented beds freezing cold with no quilts until C came to our rescue, the lying, thieving bastard. I don't care what he does to me but to be so spiteful to your own kids is beyond anything I've ever encountered.
10th January
P from F L S came out to see me, she told me they're starting a new course and she thinks it might be helpful and asked if I knew anyone else who would like to do it, it will be for 14 weeks. Healing Trauma for women who have suffered at the hands of men.
I posted off the cottage keys to an estate agent and posted the letter he sent about halving the maintenance to the court clerk to prove the ex is a lying bastard and I'm not lying about it.
25th January
I started that course today. To hear women's stories was just heart breaking. I didn't say anything at all.
27th January
Me and youngest have been ill with head colds. I was supposed to be cracking on and learning the rules of the road so I can get a Provisional Licence to learn how to drive one day. I went to town to sit the Theory test and it took us ages to find the place. We got there far too early but the woman let me go straight thru and I passed, I got 38 questions correct out of 40. I cannot believe it.
29th January
I might have found a place to let me sit my Anatomy and Physiology exams. This new place are taking their exams on March the 3rd I rang and spoken to the owner but she wanted to contact ITEC and my old college in London first.
1st February
My youngests parent / teacher meeting at school. He's doing great and everyone loves him and praised him highly. He is wonderful and I am so proud of him.
5th February
I didn't get any maintenance in the post. I rang B.M the solicitor and spoke to W, she told me “no, nothing's been handed in” shit, shit and shit, what the hell am I going to do. She later sent me an email, I have no idea why she couldn't just have rang me. I do not sit looking at a computer all day, her email said he'd handed in two weeks maintenance.
8th February
Snow is everywhere, my youngest went off to school but it was locked up, he had great time in the snow anyway. I paid my rent for the next 2 weeks, thank god, if I do not pay rent we are out on our ass's and homeless.
14th February
I am 47 today. Somehow my youngest managed to get me a card. My daughter sent me cards and a big Lush Box of goodies. I have not a penny to my name and have no smokes. Brid, my lovely new friend gave me Angel stuff and €20 in a birthday card, god bless her. I went down to her house with my youngest and I had two drinks with her, she insisted because it's my birthday. On our way home I gave my youngest €5 because he's so good and goes without so much without complaint, he is an angel of a son.
15th February
I was standing outside the village community building in the rain waiting for my youngest to come down from the house to go to the shops with me when a grey car slowed down going past me. It was a left hand drive and a huge professional camera came out of the car window and my photo was taken. I was so shocked about it and believed the ex must have been behind it so I reported it to the Garda who take fuck all seriously where we live. I rang N in the agency I trust and she told me she would contact the Garda station herself about it.
20th February
The cheeky bastard ex sent me an email at 8.16am claiming “I am struggling to pay the maintenance and will TRY and get you money tomorrow” he should try feeding his kids. He's on a wage and private cash in hand work and has the London property income too. I have fek all and I'm keeping our kids on next to nothing. I did not reply to the email. I just filled in the court forms and posted them off at 6pm.
21st February
I had to suffer the utter humiliation of going into the Community Welfare Officer V.C to ask for help to pay my rent. She had me go down to her three times from 10am because she kept sending me back home to provide her with more documents. She could clearly see I'm struggling to walk on crutches, the awful bitch that she is. At 3.45pm she rang me to say “I've agreed to help but only if you get your solicitor to send me a fax confirming the ex has not paid anything” FFS, the solicitor will charge me hefty for that. Just as I'd done it and was yet again on my way back to the CWO, I got a call from W who is B.M's secretary, she said she was just about to send a fax to the Community Welfare Officer when the ex walked in to her office with two weeks money. All that frigging stress and worry and me running like an idiot puppet on crutches for the CWO and he couldn't even send me a text to let me know he'd paid. Now I have to fecking inform the court clerk not to do anything about the form I posted to them. When I rang the Court Clerk, he told me not to worry and said “that man is flying close to the wind” I wish the frigging wind would cart him off somewhere.
23rd February
N from the agency I trust cannot take me to court next week, she said K will take me instead and will meet me outside Supervalu next Tuesday. I told N that was a bad omen, her not able to be with me.
My eldest is 15 today, he came storming down the stairs, cursing like a trooper, he'd received an email from his dad who sent him a clip of his favourite game that he could not play on his computer last year because his father refused to fix the faulty game card on his computer. Eldest was so angry at receiving that email. All I could give him for his birthday was a card with phone credit and a letter telling him all I do all year round for him as his mum, it made him laugh.
27th February
K picked me up to take me to the court. My body knew we were there before my eyes did. I was so sick. K had to stop at a garage to get me water. The first thing I noticed was his car was not in the court car park. A full film crew was there for a big fraud case and had the cheek to film us as we walked in. K spoke to them to not use any footage of us in their TV news report. After two hours of sitting in the court and ringing B.M the solicitor, who didn't answer her phone, K went off to find the court clerk and came back with list of names on the court list and I wasn't on it. The ex’s Appeal of Maintenance date had been changed without anyone informing me. It was down for hearing in two days time. I went off to speak to the Court Clerk, he said “it's a disgrace your own solicitor has not informed you of the change of date and the Circuit Court only runs four times per year and the list is always huge and your down as case 22” B.M my solicitor sent me a very apologetic long text, she told me she was actually on her way to me and had only just got informed herself, she followed this up by sending me a letter saying she was fully fit to take him on in two days’ time, whatever the hell that meant. K drove me home. My head was splitting.
P came out to the house at 4.30pm, my back was tortured with muscle spasms since 3pm, she offered to take me to hospital but I said no, I said I would get the doctor out instead because I did not want to leave my sons. She was sympathetic about the cock up with court but said I looked very calm despite all that had gone on. The doctor came out at 9pm and gave me an injection and pain killers, he told me my last blood tests showed I have high Cholesterol, it's 7.5 and I need medication to bring it down so when I feel better I have to go to his surgery and collect a prescription on Cholesterol reducing medication.
1st March
Court again, no money, no smokes. I walked my youngest to school, my nerves are shattered about going back to court again so soon. N arrived at 9.45am to take me to court. I reminded her I said it was a bad omen her not coming with me before and look what happened, she laughed. As soon as I saw his car I was shaking. He was standing outside the court pacing up and down and smoking, a good sign for me to see he was nervous and could afford to buy smokes so he should be paying maintenance. N took me off for a cup of tea and introduced me to a new trainee. Back to court and he was again outside smoking. I thought sod him he will not frighten or intimidate me and I walked past him. I got a side room so I could stay out of the way of seeing him. No sign of B.M. my solicitor so N went off looking for her and came back into the room to tell me my ex was sitting directly outside the room we were in so he might hear what we're saying because the walls are so thin. B.M. my solicitor rang me and asked me a very strange question “have you told me everything because your husband has both a solicitor and a barrister with him today” I crapped myself, I didn't even know what a barrister was. N told me and I was further confused. B.M said “they're making a huge deal out of the money you left the country with and basing their whole case of getting out of paying maintenance for the boys on this and this alone”
I urgently needed the toilet so N came with me and as we opened the door there he sat, he most probably heard every word going on in the room I was in. I just said to him “morning ex” and he blushed bright red and stammered “hello, how are you” which I ignored. N gave me a big hug once we got to the loo, she said well-done you, and said he looked mortified at seeing me. I had the shakes very badly. Back into the room we went again and had to pass him but by now he was talking to his solicitor and a female barrister but his eyes followed me and I only hoped I looked confident because I sure wasn't feeling it.
When B.M my solicitor arrived I told her how scared I felt, I had never been in this higher court before, she laughed and told me there was nothing to worry about, she said she loved taking these people on. She got me to fill in another Statement of Means, then we got called in to the court but the legal teams had more back and forth conversations outside the court room. I was told he was offering a mere €20 per child per week. I told B.M the solicitor “he can piss off, I'll let the Judge decide” I looked him straight in the eye, he looked awful, old, tired, haggard and miserable. All I could think was how could he act like we were strangers after all those years together. The Judge refused to allow N into the court room to sit with me.
I was first on the stand to swear on the bible and be questioned by my own solicitor B.M and then by his barrister for about 15 minutes and I wiped the floor with her. I remembered all facts, figures and happenings without hesitation, anyone can if it's the truth. His Barrister was stupid enough to read out where he presently lived. I said aloud "that's a very nice address for someone pleading poverty, that place has its own gym on site" His Barrister kept sitting down and putting her head in her hands, she tried to get me to agree that I'd already received my fair share of the family home with the money I left with, she said she had the letter I wrote and signed agreeing this, I replied I did no such thing, I told her he wrote it and sent it to me by email and I had to sign it so I could leave the country because I had no access to money at all since moving here and I would have signed my soul to the devil to get away from that man. I then asked her where were the other two letters that were also signed by me, she hadn't a clue what I was talking about, she said she only had one letter. I asked B.M to give me the other two letters and I then handed them up to the Judge.
The ex then took the stand and said there was no money left due to our lifestyle, I was furious, what frigging lifestyle and I shot up my hand but as B.M stood up to question him the Judge said he'd heard enough, he told him, “you have lost your appeal, pay your maintenance”
We then left the court room and the ex, his solicitor and his Barrister were all huddled in a corner talking. I thought for a minute what the hell will he be cooking up now. He is a fool pleading poverty and turning up at the court with not only a solicitor but a Barrister too, how much was that costing him and all to get out of paying any money to feed and clothe his own kids, the wicked bastard.
B.M took me back into the side room and told me “well done, you were flying in there” N gave me a big hug. I hate all this court business. I told B.M “I have something to tell you and I didn't want to say anything before now because you might have thought I was just making it up” she asked “what” I said “you have hired my ex twice now and I'm a client of yours” she said, “oh yes, thru his work to fix my computer, we always thought he was a lovely, quiet man” N looked absolutely disgusted when she heard my solicitor say that. I said “now you know the truth about how he's not a lovely and quiet man. He took your computer home, he removed and replaced your hard drive and he kept your old one, he keeps it in the fridge, I don't know why it's in the fridge but he now has a copy of all you have on it, no doubt all your clients names and all their details” B.M went as white as a sheet and very quiet.
We left the court and had to pass the ex and his solicitor in the foyer, they were in a corner whispering to each other, I put on my most cheerful voice and said “Bye ex” he turned looking confused and said “Oh bye then”
N took us to local hotel for lunch, my mobile rang and it was my adult daughter, only when I heard her voice did I break down in tears.
I left that place on a high then I cried non-stop. Why the hell did it have to get to court, why can he not just be a decent parent. I was told if he flouts this at all then he's in serious trouble. N told me that I may have a case against the solicitor because “it's not on your solicitor having her clients estranged husband having access to any files she has on her computer for him to see, you should get advise about this because it could affect your Legal Separation Case when it comes up”
Once I got home I called my eldest down. I told him my good news and grabbed him for a hug whether he liked it or not. Then I went off to meet my youngest from school. I felt so proud of myself. I told the truth, I held my head high and I wiped the floor with his legal team. I met my pal Brid in Supervalu, she threw her arms round me after hearing what happened and said well done. Despite it all I stayed up till one in the morning crying, I haven't got over anything yet. I'm still so emotional when it comes to him and all he's doing to us.
I cannot believe I'm getting the chance to sit my Anatomy and Physiology exams. I've only had two weeks confirmation about it because the woman running the course was worried about me sitting my exams with her class, nine months after leaving the college I did the course with in London. It's thanks to my eldest and the use of his phone where I recorded all possible questions and answers and listened to them at every opportunity. To hear my own voice was nuts and all I heard was me mostly laughing my way thru talking into his phone. I could never be a public speaker because I trip over my words all the time.
I got up at 6am because I needed to be in town for 9am for my exams but there was no train running until 10.50am, thank god for the lovely and kind people of this village as a lady from the community centre offered to take me. My youngest and I stood outside the centre waiting for her from 8.15am, surprisingly I was not in the least bit nervous and that was a first for me. I decided what will be, will be. When F turned up she also had her kids in the back of the car. I thought my youngest would have to return home but she told her own kids to budge up to make room for youngest. I had already bought her a thank you card and put €10 in it for petrol. I was so grateful to her for helping me out.
We got to the hotel where the room for the exam was in at 8.48am, I bought my youngest a coke and left him in front of the roaring coal fire in the hotel and flew up to the exam room. Only five others were there. My exam papers were still sealed because they had come from London. The course provider was there with an over seer, it was all very relaxed, bags were on the floor and water was being handed around in glasses. One lady I sat next to was very nervous, she said she'd done no studying at all because she didn't have the time to and she didn't feel confident at all. I gave her one my little silver angels and told her I'd done the course 9 months ago and had only two weeks notice to re learn everything, she was amazed.
The paper had 50 questions, I found it easy so I was confident enough to know that I had passed. I thought of all the girls on the course in London who were all sorry to see me leave and tried to make me stay and told me they all got a little teary when they saw my empty seat when they all took their exams in London. There is a website for help with this exam Healthy pages.com as most people found it very difficult and fail it, so for little old me after only two weeks of intensive studying to have found it easy, I was thrilled to bits with myself. I came skipping down the steps to meet my youngest and told him I knew that I'd passed. I sent texts to many people and got replies of of well done, we knew you could do it which was just lovely. We had over two hours to wait for the train to take us home so we went into Tesco when C rang me to congratulate me.
Once home there was not a word out of eldest about my exams, that made me mad at him acting like a selfish twat when he knew how much I had studied the past two weeks for this and how much it meant to me. Me and youngest went back to bed as were up early. I slept like a log till 5.10pm, if only I could sleep the same way at night.
Me, eldest and youngest were watching the eclipse of the moon when D my platonic male pal rang to remind me about it, we had a long chat, I was laughing my head off with him, he is a very funny man and a great friend.
7th March
My eldest got to see the Child Psychologist Marise Monaghan at long last. It was like a military operation, this had to be right, that had to be correct, socks were either too thick or too thin, shoes laces were annoying him, he refused to wear a jacket even though it was pouring down with rain outside, my nerves were shot to pieces keeping my mouth shut when I wanted to give him a good telling off but we left the house eventually.
This was his first visit outside since April last year. His hood was up, his earphones in, I was told by him not to speak, not to draw attention to us, not to leave him on his own or I would be sorry, his conversation about computer packets seemed to go on for hours, it was the first time I noticed his strange gait on walking, one leg would come out to the side, I asked what was wrong, nothing was his reply. We had to enter the community building where the doctor, the dentist, the baby clinic and the psychologist all use the same waiting room and I was on egg shells, I knew he could bolt at anytime and let me know exactly what he thought of me, thought of his surroundings, thought of the other people and I felt stressed beyond belief, I simply thought he had huge anger problems.
The visit took an hour, some people make it very obvious when they are looking at their watch and she did this often, a lot of history took place and I later wrote in my diary “I do not like this woman and I do not know why” she suggested meeting my eldest alone for the next visit and I got him to agree. I would be taking him there, waiting for him and then bring him home. At the meeting we held nothing back and both told her everything. But, I find her false, I don't know why but this is what my instincts were saying but Del the Social Worker said she's very good so we can only hope and wait and see how good she is for eldests sake as someone has to help him get back on track.
8th March
The Principal from youngests school is going to find me a tutor for my eldest but the hours have now been reduced from 9 to 7 and he's not even started yet. My eldest promised both me and M the Education Welfare officer that he would sit his Junior Cert exams so the Principal is going to set that up for him at her school, she is a wonderful woman. She told me that she knew from our first interview that something was wrong with eldest because he was far too quiet, he kept his head down and made no eye contact and he looked angry the whole time. I filled her in on the history to explain why he was like that and she then understood and said if there was ever anything she could do to help we just had to ask.
12th March
I spoke to my landlord and asked him if I could bring my dog to the house and told him that she was clean, well trained and a gentle soul, he said he would not normally allow pets but yes I can bring her. I was thrilled because I miss her so much. I sent the ex a text telling him I now had permission to have her and he replied “ I have given this a lot of thought and deliberation, if you really cared for Dawg you would have acted in her best interests, you would not have abandoned her once or even twice. I really think the decision should be made by her. I am prepared to meet you in a park in B and let her decide. If the boys want to come then that would be great. I know it is naïve of me to expect you to act with fairness or reason, since your past actions have shown that your vendetta is more important to you than being able to feed the boys, However I live in hope”
The freakazoid scumbag. That reply freaked me out, how the hell does he know we live in B and what bloody vendetta. I have no time for his lunacy. I rang N, she said she was worried that he knew where we lived, she told me to cease contact except for emergencies as is the law and only contact him regards the boys and the maintenance and advised me to inform B Garda. So I must have been correct about that grey car that slowed down and stuck a professional camera out of the window to take my photo. That bastard was behind it as I suspected.
14th March
W the secretary of solicitor B.M rang me. She told me she posted out my maintenance yesterday and said the ex is setting up a Direct Debit as of next week. I said I will believe that when it happens.
23rd March
Maintenance has been paid directly into my bank account, well, blow me down, it looks like he has at last accepted that he is half responsible for keeping his children, even if he had to be forced to do so. I met the English bloke who is to be my eldests tutor. My eldest just said about him “yeah, he's okay”
26th March
I was lying on top of my bed reading. My youngest was out in the cul de sac with some local lads. My eldest came into my room at 5pm saying something had just been delivered and he was holding a large brown envelope which said do not bend on it and I immediately knew it was my Diploma. I opened it and not only did I pass but with an accreditation too, there was a letter of congratulations inside and my ITEC qualified badge. I was so happy and so proud of myself. I went off to find my youngest and hid the envelope behind my back saying to him guess what I just got, he guessed straight away and gave me a hug in the street then admitted he didn't think I would pass after only a couple of weeks of studying. He knew how much this meant to me, he saw all the hard work I put into my college course in London and he knew how gutted I was having to walk away from my course and the friends I had made only two weeks before the exams in London. I have amazed myself, achieving this despite crap coming at me from every angle.
28th March
My eldest had an appointment alone with the Child Psychologist Marise, This meeting took over an hour, my presence in the waiting room was not acknowledged when she called him into her room, nor was I seen afterwards as I would have expected. A professional had just seen my son alone for over an hour and I would have liked some feedback. My son on coming out, barked at me “fucking move” taken aback I stood up and said no, I'm waiting to see the woman, he said "she does not want to see you, she's running late and has to be elsewhere" lets go, NOW.
So I left. I have to say at this point I was very naïve, I had a respect for professionals bordering on fear ( no idea why) so I did what my son said and completely ignored my instincts, although my mind was having an internal struggle as in “how bloody dare she, who does she think she is, I have just sat for over an hour and been completely ignored whilst my 14 year old son trusted me enough to go and see a professional on his own and I got no bloody feedback about what's going on and what we should do and more to the point what's wrong with my child but back home we went with me on eggshells so as not to upset eldest and arguing with myself as to why I did not just march in to that office and demand that she saw me and treated me with a fraction of respect but I did not and berated myself again in my head for not doing so.
I questioned my eldest as to what had been said, from him and from her but he was still processing it all in his own head so not a lot was said at that point, he felt exhausted from the walk, the meeting, the lack of sleep, the fact of even being outside, he wanted his bed, so I had to be patient but my every fibre wanted to know what was going on.
Later my eldest said "we have tried it your way and I am not going back to that woman and you cannot make me" I asked what the meeting was all about, he told me that he began by telling her all about his Dad, all that had been said and done to him but that she actually put her hand up, palm out, as in stop and told him that it wasn't relevant and she wanted to know why he did not go to school, and asked him what would it take to get him to go to school and told him did he know how worried and scared his Mum was of consequences if he did not go to school, which was a crock of shit because I was more worried about his agoraphobia than any school and when professionals say this to my son it drives me insane because it puts the onus, the blame firmly on my shoulders and yet again, my son sees this as Mum's not happy, mum is complaining behind his back so I always get it verbally from him and by god as big a mouth as I have he is 1000% worse than me.
I was absolutely furious. I had previously told Marise Monaghan that I was NOT concerned at all re his education because his IQ is huge, what concerned me was his inability to leave the house, his obvious anger regarding his dad, no social life, no exercise, no contact with anyone. I had told her I thought if he could just purge himself of all that he went through with his dad, I was sure he could be healed and be “back to normal again”
And I'm furious because I'm stuck at home day in and day out. I cannot not leave the boys together alone because my eldest can fly of the handle at anything, at any time, and my youngest bears the brunt of it or I do depending on my eldests mood. I should have trusted my instincts re that woman, I bloody knew she was no good.
31st March
The weather is beautiful for April. Spring is my favourite season. My youngest is out playing with some local lads in the cul de sac all the time now which is fantastic, we live in a safe and secure cul de sac which winds down into a figure of eight. We went to the library, it's such a gorgeous day.
When we got back in the house I sat on the doorstep with a cup of tea reading a book and saw my youngest belly down on a skateboard holding onto the back of D's bike, I yelled out to him that he would lose his fingers doing that, my heart was in my mouth. I made the dinner and after eating my youngest went out again but unknown to me he had put in-line skates on and the first I knew anything was wrong was when D came knocking at the door to tell me that my youngest had an accident. I went running and found him on the grass verge bent over crying his eyes out and I nearly fainted on the spot when I saw the dents in his wrists, he could not stand up and was crying his eyes out, the poor boy.
I rang the doctor, he was on holiday so a locum had to come out but he didn't know the area at all, I gave him directions from the town. My eldest was roaring at my youngest “shut the fuck up screaming” he told him “when I broke my arm I did not act like you're acting” I could frigging strangle my eldest. I could not even look at my youngests wrist because it was making me feel faint. The Doctor couldn't find us so I had to go down to the Main Street on two bloody crutches and stand on the road so he could see me. I saw him walking towards me and told him where we lived but his car was parked outside the bank, a ten min walk away and I felt like yelling at him. I was in sheer panic for my youngest, I was worried sick in case eldest started on him and to top it all my entire bloody ankle was swollen up like a balloon and the pain was killing me. The Doctor drove up to me and stopped his car and asked if I wanted a lift but he made no attempt to remove anything from his front passenger seat so I told him no and walked.
Back in the house and youngest was quiet but in a lot of pain, the doctor said he didn't think my son had broken anything, I said “you have got to be joking, look at the shape of his wrists” but by now, swelling had taken over and the dent was now hardly noticeable, he left us a letter for the hospital to get him checked out anyway and he left. I hate this place in these circumstances because I had no money to get him to the hospital. I sent B in Dublin a text and she replied, just call an ambulance but we would need €35 to get home at god knows what time of the night or the early hours of morning, shit, shit and shit to this poverty.
We have no transport, the neighbours I do know and speak to have no cars and there were no trains running till the morning. My poor youngest slept in my bed and I swear I felt every moan and groan of pain he was in when he tried to turn over, no sleep was had. In fury I fired off a text to the ex at 2am telling him what had happened and if he had paid his frigging maintenance then my poor boy would not be in so much pain so he better get the maintenance paid. He sent a reply “anything I can do to help, just call” so I called and he'd switched his phone off, the evil bastard, I should have known it was just a cover his own arse text message. Imagine not having any concern or love for your own child, sadistic twat, I am convinced he's a psychopath, I am absolutely convinced.
April Fools day. My youngest and I got the first train at 11am. The fares go up on a Sunday so I had €10 left after paying for our train fares. I had to wash his face for him and he slept in his clothes all night, he would not have been able to take anything off with his poor wrists so bad. We had to walk from the station to the hospital. I kept stopping people to ask for directions but everyone said it was too far to walk but getting a cab would have cost us €7 so we had to walk. If I ever get the chance to rip that ex swine's head off I will do, to leave us living like this while he smokes 60 fags a day, the evil bastard, things like this that affects my kids drives me demented. We got seen pretty quickly in the hospital. My youngest had broken his right wrist and the left wrist had a shadow on it but they were not sure if that was also a break so they plaster cast his right wrist and put a hard splint on his left wrist, the poor child. He has to go back to the hospital in two week’s time. I had to wash the poor child because he could not do it himself with plaster casts and splints on both arms.
There was no train back till 3pm so we had to just wander around the town, then the frigging train did not turn up and they had to get one out of the sidings. I could have cried, we were starving, cold, tired and completely miserable. With the change out of the €10 I got my youngest a drink, I felt so sorry for him.
I sent woe is himself swine ex an email, informing him that my youngest had two broken wrists. I got a reply back telling me “get over your bitter and twistedness” I thought at first it was meant for someone else because it had fuck all to do with my child breaking his wrists but further down he was requesting who, why and how did it happen. I did not bother letting him know. He was told by text last night. He did not even contact my youngest about it, the low life scum.
I was so shocked when my youngest told me he contacted his father himself, he said he sent him an email because he needs a laptop and he knew his father had two, then he showed me the reply he got, there was not a mention of any laptop or asking how youngest was, it was just all about how skint he was, all about him. I was so angry that I informed him then my solicitor that I do not give a shit about the law any more because I will not be contacting him regards anything to do with his children ever again. I later got a reply from B.M the solicitor, she stated she understood my feelings completely but I did have to adhere to the law. I replied to her to get that swine to do so too. All B.M ever says to me is the next Judge will be informed about his behaviour, how does that help my kids now when I have no frigging money and couldn't get my son to a hospital when he'd broken both his wrists. If we were in the UK none of this would be allowed to carry on and I would have been divorced in 6 months, all done and frigging dusted.
10th April
C came over to visit us today and took us to the hospital appointment for my youngest at 2.15pm. We went for lunch and were hours waiting at the hospital. C gave me another bag of her clothes that she no longer wears. My lovely friend is an angel.
Eldest has not spoken to me since Good Friday. I have no idea why, only his head knows why. There was no row, no argument, nothing. I rang the social worker Del and he told me he can't get out to me for a couple of days. He said “don't let it get to you what eldest is doing” he said “it's clear and apparent to everyone what a good mother you are but you need to get on with your own life now and not be so wrapped up in the boys, if you're busy and happy then so will the boys be, it’s obvious you have a brain so you can go ahead now and apply for college full time because eldest is now 15” He asked me “how did youngest managed to break both wrists” I told him youngest had an accident out in the cul de sac, he asked me “but how did he fall” I said “I have no bloody idea, I wasn't present” he said “there is only one way you can break both wrists” and asked me “did the hospital quiz you about it” I said “they asked me what happened but like I'm telling you. I don't know, the only person who can answer that question is the person that it happened to, my son” I asked him “what exactly are you trying to say or ask” He said his step son had the same injury and they were quizzed at the hospital as to how he fell because they have to make sure it's an accident. This man drives me doo lally. Off course it was a bleeding accident.
14th April
My eldests first spoken words to me since last Friday, “have downloaded Simply Red’s new album for you” I'm chuffed about that.
I am now all signed up for a degree course at the IT college. I just need to go for an interview and get accepted now. I have my fingers, eyes and legs crossed.
16th April
A letter came from Marise, the Child Psychologist saying she wants to see me tomorrow because I'd written her a letter of complaint about her giving me no feedback after my eldest had agreed and trusted me to go into a room and see her alone and how angry he was and said he didn't want to see her again. I rang Del the social worker up and asked him to come with me, he told me he cannot make it. So much for family support!
It's been a whirl wind the past 6 months. I have felt every emotion imaginable, heart break, grief stricken, angry, furious, happy, sad, tearful. We have been living day to day money wise, we are so poor I cannot get my kids clothes or shoes, I am off the smokes because I cannot afford them. I have put up with non stop crap from that swine ex that me and the kids do not deserve at all. A weaker person would have given up a long time ago because he really would melt your fucking head with his lies and shenanigans. Thank god I seem to be made of stronger stuff. I have met many lovely and kind people here in B. My eldest does have serious problems, I'm convinced due to all the badness he went thru at his father’s hands but I hope time helps and professionals help him thru it all.
My youngest as always is a joy, he is settled and happy and he has friends.
I have no idea what the future holds for us, I can only hope and pray we get what I hope and pray for us, a good life with no more abuse. I guess I have always been correct when I said I had more balls than that man or any man could hope to have.
19th April
I went up to see the Child Psychologist Marise alone. I'm not happy with her or about her at all. I had cancelled the appointment until Del the social worker was free because I'm sick to the back teeth of doing everything on my own with no support but she rang me herself and apologised so I decided to go and see her on my own. I read out a list of complaints I had regards her seeing my son alone and giving me, the mother, who was sitting in a waiting area not one bit of feedback. I'm the one putting up with and dealing with my eldest and all his problems and anger so I believe I'm entitled to know what the hell is wrong with my son and how I go about trying to help him, fix him. Marise told me “I'm grateful for your feedback” She kept apologising so much so I had to ask her to stop saying sorry.
She said she feels my eldest has no social or communication skills, which is kind of true but I know he needs to trust before he will engage in conversation and he certainly will not with a stranger. I told her both me and his dad were painfully shy as children so perhaps he has a double dose of this. I told her my eldest was labelled as an elective mute when he first started school but would chat like a budgie at home which just proves he was not comfortable with strangers.
I told her about his violent outbursts at home from a very young age that were always directed at me first, then youngest and lastly his dad. I told her if anyone had upset my eldest during school, he would not say so nor confront anyone but the minute he saw me he would go ballistic. I told her when he was very young this was always physical toward me when he came out of his play-school and then primary school but when he could talk in sentences, he could pain you to the very soul with his words. I told her about the major sibling rivalry between him and my youngest, about being used by dad when he never cared about his son before, about being abused by dad, being abandoned by dad, my eldest choosing not to leave with me, when I was all he ever had before and the only one who loved and cared for him was me, about how he turned into dad and was cruel to me and youngest with dad’s encouragement and approval and became abusive and spiteful and disrespectful to both me and youngest. I told her about dad’s neglect when he had no more use of eldest, about the violence, the lies told to the Garda, dad renting an apartment and lying about that and his abandonment of eldest alone in the cottage with nothing, no heat, no food, no electricity, no conversation, no friend. The lies from dad to eldests school friends that he would stop in the street, the lies to the school, the Garda, education welfare, doctors.
Marise says she was wrong to focus solely on getting eldest back to school, I told her I'm not in the least bit worried about his education at present because he is extremely intelligent. She agreed and said he has the most beautiful smile and that he's an amazing conversationalist and very obviously a gifted child intellectually. She asked me, did I think he's depressed, I replied no, she asked me, did I think he's psychotic, I replied, absolutely not.
She said she believes my eldest cannot make and keep in-depth friendships. She told me I'm what she considers a “rescue mum” my eldest got bullied at school so I removed him, yes that was true. My eldest was abused by dad, despite being warned by me, my adult daughter and my youngest what would happen to him and he still stayed behind, but mum returned for him, again that is true. My eldest is annoyed at Marise so mum goes into battle for him, yes, again that is true. I told her that's a mum’s job, any mum would do the same and who else did he have, no one, there was no one else. I told her he obviously needs help to get out of this mess and isolation and recover from dad so I would appreciate if she would help. She said she would write him a letter in the hope that he would continue to see her.
My baby is 14 today. I went into his room and started singing Happy Birthday to him, he grabbed me and pulled me on to his bed and got me in a head lock with the cast on his arm, and we had fit of the giggles. I adore this boy of mine. I handed him his birthday cards from me and eldest and the 3V vouchers I got him to spend on-line then told him to get ready for school or he'll be late and he burst into tears, threw away the birthday cards and covered his face with his duvet and I was stunned. I asked him what the hell was this all about and got no reply. I went down stairs to make a cup of tea and he came down to me and said sorry, I told him it's okay but to hurry up for school because he's had too many days off school and when that happens letters start getting sent out to parents threatening them with legal action, he again went mad throwing a hissy fit and marched back to his bedroom where he stayed the whole day long. I'm sure he must realise at frigging 14 years of age that throwing a baby tantrum gets you nowhere and that school is the law and not a bloody choice.
No card, free or by post, no text, no call, nothing from his father re his birthday. That bastard gets to call himself a dad but has done none of the work or suffers none of the consequences of raising teens, of giving a crap about anyone except himself. youngest said he's not bothered but I know how I felt with no parent in my life so it must hurt him too.
A letter came for my eldest from the Child Psych Marise. My eldest threw it straight into the fireplace unopened. I told him he needed to talk to someone about why he never leaves the house etc, he shouted at me “you are a filthy piece of fucking shit, I knew you would take her side over mine” and he stormed off to the kitchen. I asked him from the living room “how are you going to get out of the house and back into a normal way of life without help, do you intend to stay indoors till you are 18 years old and what then because you cannot be helped by anyone once you get to be an adult” he just screamed at me “fuck off” and banged everything en route to his bedroom. I was fuming. I went to the bottom of the stairs to shout back at him but nothing came out of me. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt tight. I got my phone, I wanted to call someone to help me but there was no one to call and I couldn't breathe so I couldn't speak. I felt like I was going to die on the spot. I went out into back garden to try get my breathing back to normal, this was no joke. I cannot take any more grief, insults, abuse, selfishness, his foul moth cursing at me. I know I'm just a stupid woman who came to his rescue to get him away from dad despite my poor youngest never wanting to come back here after all we went thru in the cottage at both dad and eldest hands, the abject cruelty we suffered because of them and I get this, not even a word or an act of thanks, not an ounce of respect shown, he has no love nor loyalty to either me or to youngest. He is very much like his dad in this respect.
I eventually rang Del, the social worker. I was so upset, and scared witless about what just happened to me, Del said “it's severe stress and you can do no more for your eldest, you put a roof over his head, you supply his meals so do no more than that and just get on with your own life because if you don’t you will end up really ill then both boys will need to be taken into care” I thanked him for putting the fear of god into me and asked him “how do I get myself any life with my son the way he is, do I just leave him in the house and in his room till he is 18 and then walk away because he's then an adult, my son needs and deserves professional help and support”
I rang Marise the Child Psychologist and asked for her advice, she said “it's very important you carry on with your own personal development (counselling) to ensure you remain strong enough to cope but you also need to get your own life” She told me to go see her on 9th May.
I am sick of professionals. Threats do not work on me, they make me furious and make me want to protect my eldest even more but I need proper bloody help here, not just told to get on with my own life, what fucking life, I'm stuck with two kids, one with serious problems, I'm trapped in poverty, I'm in a foreign country with no family and no personal support at all.
I rang N, I trust her, she said “it's appalling eldest can give you such abuse when it should be crystal clear to him that it's in his best interests that you do all in your power to find and get him the right help” she said “he's absolutely aware, because he's not stupid and knows just how much he's hurting you” She said she thinks after youngests broken wrists which left us stranded due to no money or transport to get him to the hospital we should all be in the town, she thinks we would be less isolated and have all professional help for my eldest in the town, so even if my eldest did not want any kind outside of house life then at least my youngest and I will be able to and get out and about.
I took youngest to the hospital to get his plaster cast off, he had his birthday money to spend sent by his dad but not before more drama from that particular direction. I'd emailed the solicitor to see if the ex had handed in anything for youngests birthday, I was told no. In anger I fired off an email to the ex about that, no reply was sent to me but he sent an email to my youngest which said “contrary to what your mother is claiming I have put money in her bank account for your birthday, if you do not receive it let me know” I was furious, I cannot check my bank account because I have to go into a bank branch to do so, he could have sent youngest a message about it or even wished him Happy Birthday but he did not, he could also have let me know about it because he's quick enough to email or text to tell me he cannot pay any maintenance to save his own skin, the man is a fucking nutter, all these mind games. I wish he would just fuck off. When I went into the bank to check what he said was true, there was €100 in my account for my youngest.
Whilst in the town my youngest asked me if I wanted him to buy me perfume, I said no thank you, he is such a sweet boy, what a difference between him and eldest, I had asked eldest to lend me €5 to buy myself phone credit and he told me “no, it's my money and I don't believe you'll pay it back” that sickened me because it takes a lot for me to ask anyone for anything. I felt humiliated.
My youngest traded in some of his old games and bought two new DS games. He took me to subway and treated me to lunch then we went up to the hospital to get his cast removed, we were sent to the Physio Dept. but we could not wait after waiting for an hour to be seen because if we missed the train home then it would be three hours before the next train was due. We had such a good day just being out and about, we picked eldest up a Burger King but there was not a word of thanks out of eldest when we got back.
The Math tutor is coming today for eldest, I asked youngest to go remind eldest, but youngest got told “No, I'm not seeing him any more and mum is just a fucking back stabber who told the Psychologist to force me back into school” I was too tired to even correct him.
St Vincent De Paul came to house re our poverty, they wanted to know the ins and outs of a cats arse. I was truly mortified. They asked about my whole life, where was the husband, can I prove I'm separated, they would have to have a case conference before they decide if they can help me. I never saw them again and I've no idea who put my name forward for a visit from them.
B from Dublin from the small online group of friends I know is having a meet up and wants me to go too, she said she would put me up for the night, she said it will be great but I cannot leave my eldest and I have no clothes, no make-up and no money.
I feel like I'm living and wading thru treacle. My youngest was so right to try and stop me coming back for eldest, it looks like he had a crystal ball and could see what would happen, I should have listened to him, he said eldest had his chance and he chose dad even tho he knew what dad was really like and before we know it eldest will be controlling us and abusing us just like dad did, he said that eldest should have come over to us which he should have done in the first place when we left. Prophetic words indeed. I had no choice in the matter because eldest is my son.
The amount of times I've been trying to get another human to talk to is a joke, all I hear is answer phones or such and such is not available. The amount of times I have heard, get on with your life, what life, I'm stuck here 24 hours per day, I would scream the place down but no one would hear me because there is no one to hear me. This is now depressing me, I need to be amongst people, this feels worse than being with the evil swine of an ex with his bullying, control and mind games because although it took me long enough to get away, I did eventually get free, with my eldest there is no freedom to be had, not even in the house, in my crazed I will never escape abuse moments I wonder if he and dad had a pact to get me back and slowly fuck up my life and mind for good. Yes I sound mad but I've now had 18 months of being solo after 18 years with a freakazoid ex and I'm alone and have nothing and have no one, not even respect from my eldest who has forced me into this position. Only my youngest has kept me going and kept me from going under. No matter what I do for my eldest, all is met with grunts, abuse, fuck offs and the classic, “you are a fucking clone of dad” I think he may be near to the knuckle about himself in that respect.
30th April
The past week has been bloody awful, not much sleep has been had by any of us as eldest is awake all night and asleep most of the day, the noise he makes just using his door handle makes my nerves aflame, I asked eldest to have a shower and come to the doctor with me to get him help to sleep at night because none of us are getting any sleep because he's always awake, he told me “you're a fucking liar cause it will be a psych and not a doctor you take me to” I just quietly told him “you're getting boring now and should think of something new to say instead” he roared at me to “fuck off” I bloody wish I could.
I went to see the GP. I ranted and raved about all going on and it should not be like this in this day and age. The Doctor was not in the least bit interested, he just gave me five sleeping tablets for eldest and told me that eldest needs to want the help before help can be given, I asked him do I and youngest not matter at all. He said blah, blah blah, the same old crap I hear from them all. They must all get the same in-depth training to spout the same old stuff and they forget you as soon as you leave them. What about youngest and me living in this prison like life at eldests behest. I left that Doctor, feeling worthless, hopeless and useless. Not once did he ask how I was feeling or how youngest and I are coping.
I walked down the street fighting back tears towards the chemist for my eldests prescription, keeping my youngest to the forefront of my mind, without him this would be all over. I would be over. The lady in the chemist told me the do and don’ts of the sleeping tablets. I told her they were for my son, she asked me his age, I told her, she was surprised that a 15 year old needed sleeping tablets and was curious as to why, I said aloud my son has severe psychological problems, that was the first time I ever uttered those words and it hurt me to the core to admit it, she said that must be tough on you, I nodded, I couldn't speak, in my head I was saying please do not be kind and do not give me any sympathy at all because I will have a breakdown and scream the place down, instead I just nodded my head and told her she didn't know the half of it and I left as someone else had walked in. I walked home still fighting back the tears, I don't know how to help my son, I know he needs help, I know I and youngest need help to live with him and cope with him but no one is and no one will help us to cope.
Once back in the house eldest was asleep or pretending to be. I rang my daughter, no answer, I rang my friend Brid, no answer, I ring N, no answer, I rang B, no answer, I rang Del, no answer. Has everyone dropped off the fucking planet?
I am alone in a very lonely place and space. I walked down a quiet country lane on my crutches and I screamed till I ran out of breath, it was pitch black and I wished someone would come along and piss me off because I wanted to have a full scale war with someone. I wanted to verbalise every emotion and feeling within me. I wanted to see god whom I no longer believe in anyway and ask him what the fuck has my son done to anyone to deserve the pathetic no life he's had so far, the fear he's gone thru, the cold, hunger, loneliness, physical, mental, verbal abuse from his own father, the total neglect when he was of no more use to him, why did he have to endure all this crap, he's an innocent, he's had no life. I am so so so so so so so so bloody angry yet I cannot take it home with me. I have to slap on the Mummy face and return with a fake smile that does not fool me so how the hell can it fool my beloved children.
God help us now because no one else is is trying.
I rang Parent Line. The advice I got was to get my eldest a hobby, to get him into doing something sporty. It occurred to me that some people listen without actually hearing a bloody thing I say. I cannot get him out the front door, I cannot get him to eat at normal times with me and my youngest. I cannot get him to eat a varied diet. I cannot get him to get washed on a regular basis, this apparently started in the cottage thru fear my eldest said, in case his dad came home unexpectedly. I was asked have you tried talking to him, do bears shit in the wood? This person must think I'm a complete numbskull. I am 47 years of age, not 17 with no life skills or experience. I'm not the one with the problem, my son is.
I rang the Samaritans, I spoke to Margaret, a lovely lady, she made me laugh, I told her my name, I told her where we lived, it did not bother me because I had nothing to hide. I told her yes I've felt suicidal but my youngest stops those thoughts by me just thinking about him alone in the world. Margaret told me she cannot see my eldest changing or even wanting to change, she said why would he want to because he has you at his beck and call supplying all he needs including 24 hour broadband. She told me I am more worried about you carrying all the load with no other adult in your life to share the burden, she said leave it with me and I will see who I can contact re your isolation. What a lovely lady.
I almost had big fall out with my friend Brid, she popped round to the house and took one look at the state of me so advised me to cut the broadband and get rid of the computer because eldest would soon get bored with life at home and want to go out. As if she has one clue about all that goes on under this roof and all that he's capable off. All his focus and rage would be directed at me then at my youngest.
I got monthly Child Benefit and bought my youngest trainers, trousers, four t shirts and a fleece, I'm over the moon that I can at last get my boys clothes. I got my eldest trousers, four t shirts, a jacket and shoes. I then paid last month’s ESB bill.
Took youngest to hospital for an x ray on his wrists, he got the all clear, all has healed. We then went to my College Interview. It went very well but I know I should have shut my mouth regard my family circumstances and having no transport to get there. If I do not get thru this interview and a place at college then I'm fucked as I have no plan B in place and do not want to go back to 23 hours at home alone. We missed the 3pm train, the next train was not until 6pm and it was boiling hot. We couldn't get a taxi because I had €5 left to my name. My poor youngest started vomiting everywhere, god love him. Eldest was asleep when we got back at 7pm, I had to wake him to eat some dinner at 11pm, I gave him a sleeping tablet and told him I'd read up on The Human Givens Institute and if he did too he might find something useful in it to help him. He was not interested, he told me “no one is putting me in a fucking trance”
Eldest said "the sleeping tablet didn't work” and he's back to not talking to me again, he is a driving me loopy.
I got a call from my youngests school, he's been sick and needs to go home. I had to leave the weekly course I'm doing and got my youngest to meet me at the Post Office at 1.30pm, he looked very white in the face, the poor soul.
I rang the Social Worker Del earlier in the week and told him “the Samaritan’s are my new best friends so where are you for the family support” He told me that he'd been “very busy, will meet you when I go to see the Child Psychologist with you” I asked him “how is that called family support” I said “if I walked into my eldests room and beat the crap out of him (like dad did) then no doubt you would be at my house to make a bloody visit” He said “I know that will never happen, I will see you at the meeting”
N rang me to tell me she found out there are empty houses, she will get working on our behalf and put our name forward and if that's successful then we can start to put down roots, I can get into college, get part time work and eldest and youngest may begin to feel settled and happy and we all may have a social life too.
My youngest has been invited away for a weekend trip to Northern Ireland thru the school with seven other kids. He wants to go and I want him to go and have a break from all at the house but I know it will be very strange for us both as he's never left my side before. I'm hoping and praying he will have a great time.
I had a chat with my eldest about him not wanting to see the tutor any more. He gave me no explanation at all. I rang M the Education Welfare and told her about it, she said she would come to house and find out next week what the story is.
How easy would I find it to just walk away with my youngest and leave eldest behind, would that bring him to his senses, his dad managed to do this with his sons. Why should I be left with all this crap and eldests non stop abusive mouth and temper towards me. The big difference is I am nothing like his dad and I love him.
Just got thru another long, lonely, boring bank holiday weekend. No visitors, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing from anyone. I read a book, I slept, I woke, I cleaned, I shopped, I cooked, I watched crap on TV and I slept again. I have no spare money, we have no coal, I have no hope, and I have nothing for kids to do and nowhere for my kids to go. What the frig is this all about. Looks like in this country you can get away with abusing your wife and kids and gain all in terms of employment, transport, hiding all funds that amounts to hundreds of thousands of Euro, have freedom to do what you want when you want, pretend your wife and kids do not exist, just like in the marriage, so no change there then. That is the life of a man in this country, do what you want and get away with it.
9th May
Appointment with the Child Psychologist Marise. I made my own way up and sat waiting for Del to arrive. In he walked slowly, all heads turned to look at him, he was carrying a large diary in his hands, almost as big as he is, that alone told me he liked to be seen as a man of authority, of note, of importance. The jumped up little twat. It's simply a barrier, a record of them and us that he wants seen and noted, he sat down and peeled back the pages of his large diary, there was sod all written down so I knew he was only doing it for Christ knows who’s sake, I sarcastically asked him “do you want to borrow a pen” he said “no thank you”
In we go to the meeting and Marise was her usual sugar sweet nice self but my god I felt trapped and bombarded, they had me in such a state that I had to stand up and pace the floor because I felt totally distressed by the pair of them and I did not want them to see me reduced to that state. I began by asking her “why, when you saw my son did you not even acknowledge my presence, why did you not immediately inform me of what you thought was wrong with my son, why did you only respond after I sent you a letter of complaint, why did you send my son out to tell me you were too busy to see me but would send me a letter about meeting my son but that didn't happen” She started apologising again so much I asked her out right “stop saying sorry” Because I was getting no answers. She then bombarded me with information, have you tried this, have you tried that, have you attempted the other, my brain was in overload as Del by now had joined in with his input, two people firing questions at me and offering their solutions.
Asperger’s Syndrome was fleetingly mentioned as was my eldests “animation” when talking about the conflict he had with his dad and what he would do in revenge for all he'd suffered. Dad’s family and the mental illnesses that ran in that gene pool was mentioned too. It was mostly them preaching to the already converted. Far too much was said for me to remember it all, it was a 90 min meeting. It drained the life out of me.
I absolutely flipped at Del when he gave his pennies worth if it was his son, “his computer would be removed” “no internet” “kick up the ass to school, make him get out the door for school” I went mad at him, “he's not your son, you do not know my son, you've never met my son, I've been a mother longer than you've been on the bloody planet, how bloody dare you, would you like me to tell you how to parent your son” I was in tears and I do not like crying in public. Del apologised for upsetting me but not for what he said and I doubt very much I would have got any apology if the Child Psychologist had not been there, the useless twat.
Marise said she would “send a referral letter to the Child Psychiatrist to get a formal assessment and from that you can expect professional help and support” She read the letter out to me, when she came to “eldest experienced abuse from his dad” I asked her “is that the umbrella term to explain all because I would prefer it was fully explained so that my eldest did not have to explain it all to yet another stranger” Marise asked “what would you like put down instead” (I had just told her) Del jumped in with “mistreatment” I exploded again “mistreatment is what animals suffer, my son went thru Domestic Abuse and Violence, he was too scared to come out of his room to eat or wash, not knowing if his dad would be home, would have food for him, would have a bloody doctor in the bloody house for him, call the Garda on him, eldest had no money, no access to money, no TV, no computer, no internet, no access to a phone, no human company, no love, no joy, no laughter, no conversation, he did not know if he would be attacked verbally and physically, he did not know if the Garda would be called because his dad had no more use of him and could no longer control him and wanted rid of him to chase all the women he was meeting on-line. That is not mistreatment that is fucking Domestic Violence”
Marise decided to end the meeting and apologised that “it's upset you so much” I told her “I will attend no more meetings with you or anyone else unless I have an independent advocate for both me and my son present” Del said “your eldest can't be forced to see anyone or talk to anyone if they're outside agencies but my Department cannot be got rid of, eldest and you cannot refuse to see me” I told him “you're an idiot, has your short term memory dissipated because I was the one who called you to give me family support but all you do is stress me out, we are not a family that's been reported to you, I asked for bloody help and don’t you ever forget it” He said “it wasn't my intention to stress you out” I said “well you bloody do so and on a regular basis” I am raging and furious, the jumped up little git.
He gave me a lift home and tried to talk to me but I just ignored him, he has made me feel so vulnerable and I have no respect or trust for him or his Department. He apologised again as I got out of his car.
I went into the house. I felt like I'd been put thru a wringer, my head was so sore, my eyes were so swollen with crying and my heart was about to explode for fear for my eldest. I cried like a baby for an hour. I felt guilty at not forcing my eldest to leave with us because he was left with his dad and had all that swine's craziness to contend with. I felt so fucking angry at the swine of an ex. I wanted to knock seven colours of shit out of him for doing all he did to us all and still continues to do so financially. I felt shame for feeling so helpless and that I'm totally on my own. I have not one person I could ring and off load to. I'm completely drained.
I rang my adult daughter and roared crying to her, she told me she was on her way out so could not talk to me for long.
I sent N a text letting her know what went on and how it left me.
3am- I cannot sleep, the word Aspergers kept running round my head so I got up and went on the computer and Googled the word and a light bulb went off in in my head. I got out my baby diaries and re read my eldests diary. Thank god I kept them and did not just rely on my memories, I have a photographic memory anyway but only for things that affect me emotionally. There it was in black and white, and somehow I always knew there was something wrong as his behaviour at home was always bad, so much so, I did seek help from when he was 4 years old but as he was so good at school, no one bothered to find out what was wrong.
It said Aspergers is a disability but that cannot be right as my eldest just always had behaviour problems. The rest of what it says tho is correct, he intellectualises everything, he makes little eye contact, he has no interest in others conversations, he refuses to be touched or hugged, he shows no emotion except for anger, he has problems with food, he was an elective mute at school despite talking all the time at home, he has no real friends, he has dreadful tantrums, he is arrogant, he has a huge IQ, he has no empathy, yes he can act strange at times, yes, he can be a real bully to me and my youngest, no he hasn't outgrown tantrums, yes he is a nightmare to live with but he's been thru a lot, it was all on the website and I know it's true and real and this is what my eldest has. I broke down tears sobbing, how the hell did I not know or see it. I always thought because of his uncle, he may eventually turn out like him. God in heaven help us, my eldest is going to need help with this and I and youngest are going to need help with this.
Here I am, his own Mother who loves her child and wants nothing but the best for him, who would kill for them, who would sell her soul for them and I'm this huge let down, I could not protect him from his own Dad, I could not see that he needed help such a long time ago, I could not comprehend that the perfect child so planned and so wanted could possibly have something wrong with him, I have let my beloved child down and this guilt will be with me forever more. I began to grieve then for what should have, could have, ought to have been and to my son who will probably never ever read this from my heart and soul and the love I always had and felt for you and always will have no matter how bad it gets and it has been oh so bad to cope at times, I'm so sorry for letting you down and not seeing all this sooner. I always called my eldest my little lord Fauntleroy, he was so posh to my common as muck, he has such a very high IQ. it was all there in black ink and I did not see it.
10th May
After a night of no sleep I rang Marise the Child Psychologist to tell her “you are right, you are so correct and amazingly so, you are very insightful and thank you so much, what do I do now, where do I go, who can help him, do you want to see my baby diaries” Her answer astounded me and I was so very angry. She told me “I do not believe in labelling children” she told me “stay strong and carry on with your own personal development (counselling) to keep you emotionally strong” I did not feel frigging strong in any respect at all. I was left speechless and impotent. How in god’s name can any professional drop this bombshell in a mother’s lap and do nothing, not even point me in the right direction for support or knowledge of what I now know my son has. It's obvious to me that I need educating in Aspergers and should I be parenting differently? How do I for the benefit of my eldest? What do I tell my youngest? so he no longer just says “eldest is a cruel, foul mouthed selfish bastard” Should we be talking, or acting differently towards my eldest? I'm lost in a fog and no one cares at all. I need help, support, advice, knowledge, what am I getting, fuck all.
I rang Del and told him what Marise just told me, he said “I didn't even hear her say Aspergers” I gave him a mouthful and told him “you were probably far too busy telling me what you would do if it was your son to hear any other bugger talk at all” I no longer cared what I said to these people, they use a toilet like the rest of us do, they just went to school a little bit longer than the rest of us, they had the bloody time to do so and this one had the pure cheek to tell me I couldn't go to college and then tell me when I could, well fuck them all, show respect and you will get it back, no more Mrs Nice Woman from me who tugs her forelock at them, it's never going to happen again, this woman has woken up, this worm has turned, I do not give a rats arse about myself. I made my choices and I live with my mistakes but no one, not one person on earth will ever get to lie and mess me around again and certainly not when it comes to my kids.
A new me just landed on planet earth.
I am stunned because of them. How can any Professional drop this bomb on a mother’s lap and not even try to point me in the right direction for support. To be told when your son is 15 years old that he has a life long disability but not do anything about it or even point me in the right direction, to leave me with what she said my son has and then nothing and all because SHE does not believe in putting labels on kids. I know this is what my son has so what the hell do I do about it. It is obvious to me that my parenting and my thinking and my reacting has to change for the benefit of my eldest and the same for my youngest so that he too has some kind of understanding and empathy for his brother. Marise and Del are totally out of order just leaving me with this. This makes everything different but what do I do because I don't know.
I feel alone, lonely, isolated and in despair, so much for having a child psychologist and a social worker in my life as not one phone call have I had, to ask how we are doing, how is my son, what if I was the type of person who could not cope with this, who saw no future, what would they be doing then, I know full well what would happen, they would be jumping through hoops of fire to protect their own ass’s and their reputations and jobs. I intended to kick ass as soon as I get some energy back and get over this shock. God forgive them for not caring at all.
M came to the house, she's a lovely girl, she's the only person my eldest will talk to, they are on the same wave length intellectually and have great conversations. I told her what Marise had said, she managed to engage with my eldest, a miracle now as he won't see anyone else at all now, he said “they all blew it by not listening to me so what’s the point” I wish M was the Professional that could help him because he would engage with her no bother, I wish they were all like her. She asked eldest why he dumped the tutor, eldest told her “because I now know the formula so I no longer need him” I was seething, why did he not just tell me this instead of shutting me out, lashing out and shutting down. He again told M, “yes,I will do the Junior Cert exams” I so hope so.
My youngest filled in his trip forms himself for next weekend and I'm going to miss him so much but cannot let him know because he needs this break away from this house so much. He has sacrificed so much to return here for eldests sake, he didn't want to but what flaming choice did the poor lad have. My youngest is my pal as well as my baby and I hope he has a fantastic time away. I thank god I still have my passport for him to use. His dad had told C Social Worker P that he would pay for our flights from London for us to come back for my eldest but he didn't and he wouldn't. In fact the horrible man tried to get me to send him my passport because my eldest was named on my passport because he wanted to “take eldest on holiday to try and repair our damaged relationship” fuck me, imagine what would have happened if I'd done that and sent him my passport, I would never have been able to get back at all for my eldest.
Del turned up again at my door unannounced. I asked him where his car was parked, he told me “at the top of the street” I told him “I have a perfectly good parking space on my door step” and asked him “what are you hoping to find, Ronan O Gara sitting naked on my living room chair because if that happened I would take an ad out on the TV to let the world know” he just laughed, he said “I'm just passing and wanted to see how you are” Then he asked to use the toilet and I told him where it was. He then left, “only a flying visit” he said, I just think he wanted to use the first available toilet he came across and it happened to be mine. I said goodbye but as soon as he was gone my eldest came thundering down the stairs “What's your fucking game, how fucking dare you let someone invade my space, you c*** you vicious c***”
I hadn't a clue what was going on and called my youngest to come down and asked him what the hell was that all about. My youngest asked me why I sent Del up to my eldests bedroom, I said “I did no such thing, Del said he was just passing the house and he needed the loo” My youngest said “Del did use the toilet but when he finished he tried to go into eldests bedroom and eldest kicked the door shut in his face and I stood behind my own door in case Del tried to get into my room too” I asked “why did you not just call for me” eldest screamed before youngest could answer me “Because you fucking sent him up you evil bitch”
Del had said nothing to me at all about trying to get into my eldests bedroom, all I knew was he wanted to use the toilet, he used it and he left saying nothing except “bye”
I roared at the boys that they could have let me know as soon as it happened and not tear strips off me now the bloody man had gone. I must have lifted my phone to confront Del about it a hundred times but I knew instinctively that he would have denied it or come up with a tale to cover his ass. When you feel as small as I felt and were up against people with power, they will use that power no matter what the small person has to say about it. I learned that quick enough when I was a child. I have no power at all and no one has my back and no one cares enough so I know whoever I do tell will not put their own jobs in jeopardy. I will now watch that man like a hawk, he's no bloody use anyway. When I previously rang him and told him that eldest now wants to make an official complaint about all the abuse he suffered at his dad’s hands he asked me “what abuse” I said in an exasperated voice “are you for frigging real, you have a fat file full of all that's gone on, my son was verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially abused, he was starved, abandoned, isolated, he was bought and given booze to take to school to share with other minors at age 14. Are we on the same page here Del” I shouted at him. He replied “well it's my Department's decision if there's a case to answer” I told him “bullshit, if I'm assaulted I do not call Social Work, I call the Garda so it's the Garda I will call then if you're just going to sweep this under the carpet” Del told me, “well they will only refer back to us anyway so you would be wasting your time” I told him “the only person wasting my time is you” “Always nice to talk to you” he said” The condescending little shit.
It seems to me that having an Open Uni Degree in Social Work does not in any way, shape or form qualify you or give you experience at all regards Domestic Violence nor any experience of the people who have suffered it, especially children and more so especially children with Special Needs. Bloody useless twat, I need to get rid of him, he winds me up like a coiled spring.
When I spoke to N from the agency I whole heartedly trust about Del, she told me it was out of order and common courtesy for Del to have at least informed me that he would dropping by at 9.30am. She told me he had caught me in a vulnerable position having just come out of the shower and he had now helped to further breakdown my fragile relationship with my eldest who believed I called the twat out to see us because of him. N asked me if I wanted her to ring Del and tell him my views. I said no thank you, I will deal with him myself.
14th May
I had the strangest dream and woke up sweating. I was lying in a hospital bed and tried to talk and call out for help but no sound would come out of me. My lovely friend and old boss who died came walking down the ward dressed as an orderly in white and hugged me for such a long time. It was a wonderful feeling to see him again and it felt so real but I was worried sick if this is where I was going to end end up, in a hospital bed because my kids are fucked if that happens.
I went downstairs to find a note from eldest saying “Broadband is fucked” it took me ages to sort it out. I found a parenting website and I was moaning on it, someone sent me a private message with a link and telephone number for a place that helps people with Aspergers.
I'm still fuming about Marise and Del, not one word out of them since that meeting where they ambushed me and left me distraught, they would be jumping thru hoops of fire in self protection mode if I just got up and walked away, they appear to only be able to deal with case numbers, not real people, real children and real problems. Not once since that meeting has Del mentioned Aspergers to me and he was sitting there when Marise said it. To me this makes everything different, all focus regards eldest needs to change now if he has this but I suppose that's too much to ask for. Their attitude seems to be, you've had an hour of our time woman so be gone. Useless idiots.
I sent Marian Flynn NEPS Psychologist a text. The Principal from my youngests school gave me her number, I'm hoping she replies to me today, I need to talk to someone who can at the very least offer me a lifeline of any description to get help for my eldest.
My youngest, his mate and I went a walk around the outskirts of B. My youngest stayed outside once we got back so I lay down on the couch and cried, in fear for us all, I felt useless. I didn't hear my youngest come in the door. He asked me what was wrong and I told him what Marise the Child Psychologist had said and I know it has to be true but no one is helping and I'm all out of ideas, I'm just a mum. Youngest went on the computer and googled Aspergers and he found an on-line test, he asked me to help him answer the questions as if we were my eldest and the scores were high for Aspergers, Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD. youngest said “well that explains a lot” and asked me does eldest know. I told him “the Child Psychologist told me not to mention it to him or to you but it's eating me up and I have no one else to talk to about it except an on-line parenting site” My youngest said “he has the right to know about it because it's about him” I said “I know, but who am I to tell him this and he has to be told the right way and when he's in the right kind of mood which seems to be never these days” Eldest then came downstairs and just said “hungry” I made him a small pizza and he said “thank you” with no prompting from me and my heart just broke for him. I love him so much but he makes my life a living hell and life is hard enough for us. What the fuck am I going to do about this and who the fuck is going to help.
I rang Marian Flynn the NEPS Education Psychologist because she didn't reply to my text, she answered her phone and was sympathetic enough, she said “I cannot believe eldest has had no education for the past year” I told her “that's the least of our worries” She said “I will talk to Marise the Child Psychologist” I asked her “why, because Marise has already told me she doesn't believe in putting labels on children and has left us in the shit with no direction or end of this in sight” I said “I need help for us so I'm asking you to do something” She said “I will get back to you as fast as I can” and I never heard another word out of that woman. Another one that did not give a shit. And that list was just starting and about to get longer and longer.
What kind of life is this at all. We need knowledge, help and support about this Aspergers, how cruel and unprofessional of both Del and Marise to put a name to what I truly believe eldest has and just bloody leave me with it, how do I deal with it? What does it mean for eldests future, for all our futures? I have no idea as they are not in the least bit interested in frigging enlightening me or pointing me in the right direction for help, knowledge or support. We have no one in this country at all, except people who work for agencies and are so kind to me but this is far too heavy a weight for me to carry on my own. I am stuck, trapped, but at least now I get out to shops once per day and get to talk to people unlike whilst in the cottage. I have read up on the basics of Aspergers but eldest is so much more than this, his personality, his life story, the abuse from Dad, all these have to also be taken into account and none of it will go away unless he's helped, unless I'm helped to help him and what about my poor youngest, he didn't even want to come back, it's so not fair on my youngest, all this fucking upheaval and upset.
I met my youngest from school. I stood at the bottom of the hill and watched him walk down the road towards me totally alone, the poor soul. I have not once seen him with another person from that school and there must be at least 100 pupils there. As always when he saw me he had this huge grin on his face and my heart melted. I thank god I love my children and didn't turn out like my own mother. I'm grateful that he has G and another couple of lads locally to hang out with when he's home but if he only had a school mate. Yes he's shy and quiet but he's just so lovely and funny and intelligent and mature. It's the others in that school who are missing out not getting to know him. I will have a word with the Principal.
P came to the house at 5pm, she told me “I never met a more determined, strong and full of spirit woman like you” She knows me well because she was my support from the cottage days when I let someone know what was going on and she would meet me weekly at the hotel, so she's seen me at my worse when I did not even have the confidence to go into the hotel to meet her. I told P I feel sometimes that the only thing carrying me forwards apart from my children is fury but I've had enough of going it alone now. Every human needs and deserve love and support and company and I'm getting none. We discussed the ex and his continual mini breakdowns which used to be his way of getting me back into line. She said men like him will never change, they have to lose everything before they realise it's them that's at fault and whilst he has the props of women who believe his every lying word, there will be more and more casualties, he will always have someone else to blame except himself. He's blamed his father, his mother, his ex, me and our sons too, for being “little cunts” The man is clearly insane.
My youngest goes off on his trip in two days time. I depend on the wee soul far too much, I'm hoping he has a fantastic time, he really does deserve to as he is a fantastic son and he needs a break from both me and eldest.
I have €20 to my name and don't know how I am going to make it last, poverty is dreadful, it makes you worry all the time. How that lying bastard of a man could swear on the bible and say he was living in poverty I do not know, I'm surprised the bloody bible did not go up in flames. It breathes, hence it lies thru it's teeth. Where the hell has hundreds of thousands of Euro gone to, it has to be somewhere, he just does not want me or his kids to get a cent. I can only hope when it gets to court for real that I get granted a full discovery because I have the bank accounts and the amounts to prove all I say is true and I'm looking forward to that day.
It's my youngests weekend away, he didn't go into school, he said there was no point him just going in for half a day. I felt weird and nervous all day, like when I thought he got lost in a London library, oh my god the panic of me when I could not find him. The weather is dreadful today and the cab driver had his phone switched off which did not help my nerves and he was late arriving too. C had sent youngest a belated Birthday Card with €30 and he offered me €10, bless his heart. The cab driver eventually turned up in an old battered jalopy with the front passenger door all bashed in and he asked youngest to get in the front, I said not a chance, he's sitting in the back with a seat belt on. I know my youngest is now 14 years old but he's my whole world, my reason for still smiling. I stood at front door step and waved him off with a big smile on my face till he was out of sight then came into the house and cried my eyes out, I am such a sap.
My eldest had lent my youngest his mobile phone so I could keep in touch with him which was very good of him. Youngest had not been gone for 15 minutes when he sent me a text to call him, he said the driver was lost and took him to the wrong place so youngest was freaking out. I told him to give the phone to the cab driver so I could talk to him and told him to get back in the cab. I told the driver where he was supposed to take youngest too and I got youngest back on phone and kept talking to him till I heard A's voice and knew he was there okay. I spoke to A and asked her to keep an eye on youngest at all times, she said she would do.
I decided I'm going to talk to my eldest about this Aspergers because it's eating me up inside but his sleeping is upside down so the moment had to be chosen with care. It was Sunday before I could talk to him, he was sitting on the kitchen worktop as I was cooking for him. I told him I had some news I wanted to run past him, he immediately asked if it was bad news so I quickly reassured him it was not, it was just something that the Child Psychologist had mentioned, he said no way am I ever going back to her, I said I know. I asked him had he ever heard of Aspergers Syndrome, he said no but he would check it out on-line, he asked was it something bad, I said off course not. I carried on with his dinner and left him to check it out for himself in his own good time.
An hour later he came down to me, he said “Einstein has that, what has it got to do with me” I said “we think you may have this” he said “fuck off” then after a second he chuckled and said “well at least I'm not the fucking psychopath that dad always called me” then laughed again and said “you might be this too cause that's what he always called you as well”
Eldest let me measure him, he is 6ft tall and gorgeous.
I'm glad I've told him. I'm glad it's out in the open now and more fool me for listening to that bloody Child Psychologist telling me not to mention it to eldest or youngest. I will follow my own gut instincts from now on.
Youngest came home on Sunday, he gave me big hug and said he'd missed me and wanted to know if he'd missed anything. I told him eldest now knows about the Aspergers, youngest said “good, he has a right to know and can find out for himself what he needs to do about it” Eldest came down and we all sat on the couch and chatted, they talked about how they have not lived in a peaceful house for such a long time but it was very peaceful with just the three of us here, they told one another it's because dad's out of the picture because we would never know what mood he would be in when he walked in the door. It's unusual that all three of us would sit like this but I suppose we had something fresh to talk about with youngest having spent the weekend away.
The weekly course I'm doing took our group out for our last day on a surprise trip by car to a place called Galilee, it was high on a hill with stunning views from windows that were from the floor to the ceiling. On entering the place I turned to M one of our group and said “I can smell nuns” she laughed. I was correct, the place was full of nuns, but they had normal clothes on, the two who gave us tea and scones were just lovely, so peaceful and gentle and kindness oozed from them. I got talking politics with one of them, she was bewildered about Bertie's Ahern's anorak and how he is all about designer suits now.
To cut a long story short we got taken to a relaxation room and one woman, a nun, kept staring at me when she was talking, strange to say she did not emanate any kindness or goodness, she had cold blue eyes, I may have read her aura wrong, I saw insincerity, coldness and callousness, I have seen those same eyes from one other nun back in the day and from my foster mother, but I did not regard the other two lovely nuns like this and so I freaked out and fled from the place. The course facilitators were not to know my personal experience of nun's and convents and it took me aback, my reaction after all these years. I actually wanted to ask her what her name was, to ask her if she had she ever worked with children, if she had ever been based in Glasgow which would have been ludicrous as she was only about 50 years old. I sat alone in the beautiful gardens for about an hour before M came out for me and hugged me and asked if I was okay and if I wanted company, I told her I was fine and said she should go back in and I would wait till all was over. She said “I admire and love you for your genius” I've no idea what she meant by that but she's a lovely woman. I walked down towards the motorway trying to get a signal to call N or C. I didn't know what was happening to me and it scared me, all I know is this Pandora's box has to stay shut because I would be incapable of allowing it to open with everything else I have to contend with at the minute. I couldn't get any signal on my phone.
M came out again for me when they had finished and asked me to join them for lunch, I apologised for leaving so abruptly, P said “don't be silly, don't you know how much we all love you” I'm not at all used to all this kind of talk but I said thank you and went off and began to wash up and keep busy. We all left soon after. I was in turmoil, how was this affecting me all these years later when I always kept that door closed.
I came home to find a dead bird in the kitchen, neither me or my eldest could touch it, another job for youngest to do, bless him.
I went off to meet my youngest from school and met my pal B, she asked me to go into a café with her for a cup of tea and a catch up, my mobile rang, it was Del the social worker. I told him I was in a public place and couldn't talk, he said he wanted to come out and see me tomorrow regards an email I'd sent to the Borough Council which had been forwarded to his boss and he will be out to me around 11am. It was only after I got off the phone because I was busy looking out for my youngest that I remembered I'd written to the council telling them “I have a Social Worker allocated to my family for support but he's of no use at all” I told B and she laughed saying “well you cannot be shot for telling the truth now can you” I rang N in bit of a panic, she told me I could refuse to meet with him, I told her I would forward on the email I sent about him to her as soon as I got home.
Youngest has done brilliantly with his exams, like he always does. He is amazing especially after all he has been thru too and having no school place in London. I am so proud of him.
N rang me, she said if I let Del into the house then just let him talk and see what he had to say, and said I had as much right as anyone else to expect an email I'd written to go to the recipient and not all round the houses and it's not his business what I write to someone else about him.
I spoke to P about Del coming to house, she told me to let him do all the talking, the same thing N said to do.
Del arrived late, no smile on his face today, he pulled out a file and told me that the email I wrote to the council mentioning him was sent to the Head of Social Work Anne Kelly and came down the chain to his boss and he was hauled into his boss's office about it and questioned why I was saying he was of no use. I think he wanted an apology but hell would freeze over first because I stand by those words, here am I ringing him to come out to me and telling him the Samaritans are my new best friends and he told me he was busy and didn't have the time to do so but an email not for his eyes and he's on my doorstep the very next day, the jumped up little twat. He told me he had an A4 sheet of paper listing all help he had given my family, I said let me see it then, but he didn't give it to me. I told him I would personally speak to his Manager and asked him to give me his Managers name, Del told me “you do not need to know that” WTF!! He handed me one sheet of paper about Aspergers Syndrome that he'd downloaded from the internet. I told him I had hundreds of pages on that subject delivered to me only this morning so he asked for his single sheet of paper back. I told him I'm not happy at being told my son might have Aspergers and then nothing, not a squeak out of him or Marise for three weeks regards any help, support or information, he again said he did not hear Marise say it. I asked him, “so why have you brought me a sheet of paper about Aspergers today then” I got no reply. He told me he will write a letter of support to the council to get us permanent housing, he left saying he would be in touch. He's not a happy man today.
1st June
I just got out of the shower and I had two missed calls from Del. I rang him back, he said “how are you and how are the boys” he said “the housing section at the council have requested a report from me re your housing application” Then came the real reason for his two missed calls. “I'm setting up a case conference with all professionals involved with the family to date so far” and “I've been discussing your family with my boss who's now very concerned about your eldest and we talked about your eldests depression and his declining mental health” I said “don't you dare talk rubbish, my son does not have depression or declining mental health, he recently saw our GP and he only saw Marise the Child Psych three weeks ago and she said nothing about my eldest having depression or mental health problems and she spoke to him alone for an hour” Del said “well it could happen eventually” that left me flabbergasted. Five times I asked him “why, why are all the big guns coming out now, why not a word or any help or information out of both you and Child Psychologist in three weeks and now in my personal view due to an email not for your eyes at all which has done the rounds and been brought to your attention, you come out with this, well bollix to you and bollix to your useless service, my family and my son in particular will not be used by you or anyone else in self protection mode for your job” He kept saying “I don't understand what you mean” because I kept asking him why, why now” I said “it's obvious to a bloody blind man why and I'm contacting my solicitor” He then said “your eldest has not been diagnosed with anything” I replied “only because Marise fucked up, as did you when you kept saying you didn't hear her say Aspergers, and you have just now diagnosed my son with depression and declining mental health, I'm the expert when it comes to my child, I know he has this Aspergers, I know it 100% and if you had kept your stupid thoughts to yourself about what you would do if my eldest was your son at my meeting with Marise then you would have bloody well heard what she had to say too” and I slammed the phone down on him. I was now scared witless at the power these idiots have and the consequences to us of these idiots having that power.
I burst into tears of frustration, some fucking support he is, this is not about him wanting to help my son at all, it's about him being seen to be doing something and protecting his own arse after that email I sent to the council being read by every bugger it was not addressed to. Corrupt and inept fuckers they all are. He has rattled the wrong cage with me making spurious threats re my sons condition.
I rang N she wasn't available but I spoke to J about what had just taken place, she said “it's very unprofessional Del coming to your door about an email” and she reminded me “You are a customer because you engaged their services for support” (which I have still yet to get) and “it's rubbish when he told you he could not be got rid of” (which he told me at the meeting with Marise the Child Psychologist) “because you are perfectly entitled to dismiss him at any time because this is not a Child Protection case” She went thru the law with me and as she did my mobile phone kept ringing, it was Del, J said “you do not have to speak to him if you do not want to” and asked me “would you like me to call his Manager for you” I said “yes please, I just want that man to leave me the hell alone and I want an appointment with his Manager too” She said “leave it with me” Thank god for them. They do not need to help me because they're a Domestic Violence agency but they have been so good to me.
P then rang me. I told her about Del, she said “do not to get sucked into his chaos, only you can stop yourself doing so, he has no power to do anything at all, it's not a mental health issue and he's not a mental health social worker so he's no idea what he's talking about” she reminded me “ you referred yourself to his Department for support and you've not found him helpful so you need to put him out of you mind” then told me “you've probably just pissed him off” She said “I have enough belief in you that you'll be able to cope and put him right on all matters but if you ever quote me I will deny every word” that made me crack up laughing. She is a funny lady.
J rang me back because N rang the office and J had told her about my call and all about Del's latest and they are going to get me a meeting with Del's Manager and N will come with me but J reminded me that this weekend is a bank holiday so no one will be there on Monday but N in the mean time wants me to write out all from my journals re every meeting and call from Del to take to the meeting with me.
I couldn't get out of the house to see if any maintenance had been paid into the bank due to my eyes being so swollen, that's men for you, the useless twats. I had no doubt at all that Del was going down the route of getting my eldest committed to force him to get out and about and be “normal” again. That's not the answer at all, and anything they try to do like that will be over my dead body. My eldest is doing his Junior Cert exams next week as he promised me and M he would so he and I need this crap like a hole in the head and I cannot let him know anything going on at all because he would just retreat and hide in his room.
A call came from someone called J a Family Therapist offering me an appointment, P had referred us. J asked for some background information first, she said she recognised the name because it's unusual. She then told me the ex had gone to see her with my eldest last year but she didn't have the file and could not remember any details. I couldn't take the appointment she offered because I'd no money to travel such a long way and back again. I asked my eldest if he could remember going to them, he said he was taken there straight from school one day and that he had no say in the matter, he was just told by dad that they were going and all he remembered telling a woman was that he wanted to join the army.
5th June
I rang John Kilfeather, Del's boss after N got me his direct number. He seemed a bit put out that I'd got his direct number, he immediately asked me “are you making a complaint about a member of my staff because there are proper channels to go through if you are” I said “no, I accessed your agency for family support but various matters concerning my eldest have come to light that puts a whole new perspective on things and I want a meeting with you regarding these new matters and I will be bringing N for support” He asked “why have you not gone thru your social worker to make an appointment” I said “because there has been a breakdown in communication” he asked “what do you mean” I said “I will not communicate with Del so that equals a breakdown in communication” Doh!!
At 4.50pm, just before all professionals close for the day, my phone rang, it was Del. He said “I'm sorry to tell you that John Kilfeather has double booked, he forgot he has to attend court so he has to cancel the appointment he gave you this morning” Like I now believe anything I'm told by any of them. Del then tried to engage me in conversation, he said “I only want to help, I'm doing my best, I know you're a fantastic Mum” I said “I don't need to hear that from anyone except my own children and I've read and memorised the Children's First Act and I now know the law fully regarding your departments remit regarding a family seeking family support so I look forward to getting a new date for a meeting with your boss because I intend to get this thrashed out once and for all” he said “Nice talking to you as always and take care”
6th June
I lay awake since 6am, just lying on the bed wondering if my eldest would get up for his exams. I was wondering what I would say to him if he backed out of this, I would not blame him at all but he would have no idea of the amount of people in the background who I have had to contact and who have made the effort to allow him to do this. I went down the stairs and there he was sitting on the couch fully dressed in the school uniform he'd never worn before and I cried at the effort it must have taken him, he told me “I haven't slept all night” I felt so proud of him and asked him “can I have a hug” he said “no, I will give you one once I've finished all my exams and if I think I have passed them”
I was worried sick about him going up to the school but by god at least he was trying. I and youngest walked up to the school with him, my ankle was in agony and it's such a long walk. We must have looked a sight, me on crutches, eldest with a fleece on top of his uniform with his hood up and music blaring from his ear phones and youngest embarrassed at going up to the school with the possibility of other pupils asking him who this new boy was. The bravest of all tho was my eldest doing this after not leaving the house for a year and walking into a school among people he did not know and him not having been near a school in so long.
I did not care at all if he failed every exam, the mere fact that he made this huge effort makes him an A plus student in my eyes. The school was packed out with students, I saw my eldest tremble and I saw the Principal and said plan B, plan B, she knew what I meant because we had covered what would happen if my eldest got nervous, she took us off to a room where eldest could take the exam on his own and she would supervise him herself, that woman is a star.
English Higher was the first exam and lasted five hours in total, we left when eldest said he was okay and I told him to text me when he was done and we would come back and get him. I sent M the Education Welfare girl a text telling her he had done it, he had gone to the school, she replied back that she was scared to contact me to ask and she feels as proud of him as I do.
On the walk back to the house with my youngest, he said he felt like we were the Addams family, I said I don't care what anyone thinks because if I had to crawl up to that school on my hands and knees bare naked in full view of everyone I would do so if it meant eldest was that little bit closer to getting back to being himself again. That made youngest laugh because he knew I would have done so if I had to.
Eldest rang me when the morning exam was over and we went up to get him, he said it was easy, he looked absolutely shattered with tiredness. After lunch at home we went up to school again. He doesn't know how painful it was for me to walk at all, I saved all my moaning about it for my youngest, the poor boy. I don't know how long youngest and I can live as we are because we are constantly walking on egg shells, we both know it will never be appreciated by eldest. Youngest told me he's mortified because no one else has their mother and brother escorting them to school and everyone thinks we're strange anyway, I asked him who said that, but he wouldn't answer me, he just marched off but he said sorry once we got home. Eldest had an early night, he was wrecked. I'm so proud of him.
11th June
Eldest has Maths today, he said he thinks he's passed. I can no longer walk, the arthritis is now in my wrists too so youngest had to go up and down to the school three times covering about 5 miles in total.
I had a call from a lady who works for a place who helps people with Aspergers Syndrome. I was talking for a long time and the poor woman must have had burning ears by the time I was finished because I had so much to say and ask, she was amazing. She gave me fantastic advice.
I have days where I am as low as anyone can be and then anger takes over and I am back to being a lioness again. During one of my lioness days I rang the social worker Del, and told him short and sweet “I'm going to the papers if the child psych doesn't give me an official diagnosis so I can access support and help for my eldest” He said “I will come out and see you if that's okay with you”
12th June
I cannot move with arthritis, the pain is bloody awful.
I got an email from the estate agent the ex is using, an offer of €120,000 has been made for the cottage but they cannot contact the ex. I sent B.M my solicitor an email about it.
13th June
Eldest had a History exam today, he said he thinks he got 100%. Amazing.
Del arrived at the house, he told me “how difficult I found it with eldest not playing ball or even seeing me and it caused me real frustration” I told him “you should try being me and then you would know what the meaning of real frustration was” He said “I understand” I asked “how can you possibly understand, I'm stuck in this house and cannot even walk without crutches, I go to shop once a day to get our daily food then I'm at home seeing no one at all” He said “there is nothing more I can do for you so I'm signing you off” I was flabbergasted, absolutely dumbfounded. I'm being dumped and nothing has been done for my eldest and I didn't get to see his boss either. He mentioned none of this when he rang telling he was coming out to see me after I threatened him by phone saying I would contact a newspaper if he didn't get onto Marise for me. What the fuck do I do now. I decided this was my last chance to tell him a few home truths so I did, I told him “every time I saw you, you stressed me out so much I needed a counselling session afterwards and despite me contacting you for family support you treated me like I'd something wrong when you parked elsewhere before knocking on my door without the decency to ask or tell me first and your biggest problem of all is opening your mouth without thinking” He accepted all I said without argument. When he left I said “give me a hug” and the poor man blushed bright red, he wasn't all that bad, he just hadn't a clue what he was dealing with and instead of admitting he didn't know he tried to jump over us with size 12 boots. I didn't know I had all this fight for us in me. I had always been quiet with authority but god I've had to learn fast how to stick up for myself for my kids sake. It was bad enough trying to cope with the end of a long marriage and all the abuse that entailed but to move to a new area, have nothing and have no one, I know this is all going to drive me insane and I need help and I asked for help so where the hell is it? Cause it sure ain't bloody here with me now.
My youngest counted up all the change I had in a jar and took it to the post office for me, they short changed him by €1 so he went right back in and told them and he got it back. He's a wonderful child and I'm glad he's becoming assertive because he will bloody need it in this life.
14th June
The doctor wants me to get blood tests for Rheumatoid Arthritis because I'm getting worse not better, he wants me to have an x-ray to check for brittle bones too. I'm pig sick of the pain of this. I'm like Quasimodo's poor cousin and hope we can get to the bottom of why this is happening. I have never had ankle or wrist problems in my life before now.
The estate agents sent me another email, they want to know if we are accepting the offer made on the cottage, I said I'm happy to do so and asked what the ex had to say about it, they told me they don't know because they cannot contact him and he's not responded to their emails or their phone calls so I had to bite the bullet and ring him myself. He answered which surprised me, I repeated what the estate agents told me, he said he'd not a heard from them, which I know is a blatant lie, he asked “are you happy with the offer” I told him “I want shot of the place because I and my children are living in poverty and we need our share to live on” I could hear hammering going on in the back ground, he asked me “is that all then” and hung up on me. The bastard did not ask once about his sons.
25th June
A friend rang me, she said “it's crazy Del just signed you off and left you with no support at all”
5th July
Because I don't drive and public transport is infrequent and we are isolated and I need to access proper professional help, I looked for and found us somewhere to live in the town so I could access some kind of life for the three of us. C came over to go view a house in town with us, it looked small from the outside but had lots of rooms on the inside. Youngest said he's not going to the school here because the school is a dump and he said the house is a shit hole. My eldest liked it, he said it has lots of space. So I'm putting it in motion for us.
When I checked the bank in town, there was no maintenance in the bank again. FFS.
12th July
Still no maintenance. I contacted the solicitor to deal with it, no reply. I rang the court, the Head Court Clerk said he would contact him. I was forced to text the bollix and he sent me a strange reply “you cannot be dependent on the maintenance if you are just contacting me now about it so you must have other forms of income” Is he for fucking real, it's court ordered, even if I had €100 per day coming into the house he would still have to pay because it's bloody court ordered. He is off his head bat shit crazy. I do not contact him because I want nothing to do with him at all. The Bastard.
I contacted N she said it's all mind games and the only control over you he still has and to let the court deal with him.
16th July
Text from the ex, saying he put maintenance in the bank, he's only paid for one week and I still have rent to pay and he has fucked my finances up again. The Court Clerk rang me and told me to fill in court form for non payment because he's still in contempt of court.
17th July
I went to the court with youngest by train and handed in the court forms in person.
21st July
My wedding Anniversary. I need a divorce.
24th July
Another text from the ex, asking if the boys want to go camping with him, there would be broadband access there. He must be having a crazy spell because he cannot even ask after his sons at any other time and now he wants them to go camping. I passed the message on to boys, the air was blue with their answer. He must be trying to impress some woman.
27th July
Moving day with C my lovely friend helped us again, I do not know what we would do without her. Eldest chose the big living room as his reading room, he loves the place, he said he will go to the same school as youngest. I so hope he does. I spent a month packing, cleaning and painting the other house before we left. C drove me over to the Lettings Agency and I almost died when the woman said I needed to pay not only the deposit but a months rent upfront, my old landlord was in Belfast so could not give me the €500 deposit I was owed till he got back. I had no clue what I would do. N rang me and told me not to worry, they would lend me the money till the landlord paid me back and then I could repay them. Nothing is ever straight forward for me but thank god for N she just saved my bacon. I am incredibly lucky with the people I know.
C took me back to B and I met the van driver, a lovely smiley lad called John, he told me he thought we only had a couple of things to move, his van was full by the time we filled it. C drove the boys over to the house while I stayed behind to make sure all was hoovered and left spotless. I will never be able to repay C's kindness and generosity, she is the nicest woman I have ever met and I hope the cottage sells quickly so I can repay her all the money she spent on Xmas and on food shopping for us.
Eldest made up his bed, got his computer sorted and shut his bedroom door, leaving me and youngest to deal with everything else that needed to be unpacked. I was thrilled that there was a satellite dish on the house. I found the sky box so we had free channels to watch so at least I have the TV working. Me and youngest walked down to the town to get Chinese because we hadn't eaten all day. C had to leave because she had a wedding to go to tomorrow. I'm going to miss the lovely friendly people of B tho.
2nd August
I decided to do something nice with my sons because it's another Bank Holiday weekend and I want to erase, if I can, the memory of last year when their dad tried to starve us out of the cottage and C came to our rescue with food shopping for us. I was so happy when my eldest agreed to come out too, we were going to see the Simpson's movie. I have a bank cash card now so I no longer have to feel humiliated at going into a branch and be told in public that there is no maintenance in my account. The first stop we made in town was the cash machine and he hadn't paid the maintenance. I had no money to take the boys to the cinema. I was in such a rage internally because I'd convinced my eldest to come out with us socially and it was a huge effort for him to do so. If I had that bastard in front of me I would have killed him with my bare hands. I rang the court in the street and spoke to the court clerk, my language was ripe. I've had enough now of that man's non stop shit. I was told they can only send him a warning of a summons to court but that could take up to four weeks, I was fuming, that's not what I was told by other court clerk. This one said the other one was wrong and nothing can be sent out immediately. Me and the boys walked to N's office, I needed to explode and was not going to do so in front of my boys in the street, except sound like Dick Dastardly dog, cursing like a trooper under my breath. N said he's out of order and she would speak to a Barrister they use often in Dublin. N told me the law states a warrant should be issued immediately but the courts always prefer to wait for a few months of arrears building up. I was as mad as hell about that, what about the bloody women who have to cope without this money, no matter what, I still have rent to pay which is calculated on him paying me maintenance,whether he pays it or not. I could not think straight, it's just as well I don't drive because I would be tracking him down and doing jail time if I got my hands on him. N told me to go for an Attachment of Earnings because it would come straight out of his wages and there was nothing he could do to stop it except thru the court. My poor kids, fucked again and all because of that apology of a man. I fired off a text to him, he replied “wages cleared last night so should be no problem, will check and let you know” he did not let me know anything.
We walked home. I checked the lotto and I'd won €32, good bit of news at last. I bought my eldest phone credit. I gave my youngest €10. My eldest told me again he would go to youngests new school. I was so pleased because youngest wouldn't be on his own any more at a new school. I'm hoping they now start looking out for one another as brothers are supposed to do.
My old landlord rang me and told me he had mail for me and would meet me to return the €500 deposit I'm owed. I then took the €500 I owed straight back down to N.
4th August
I was awake till 4am writing this journal. I have so much to do re informing people of our change of address. I switched my phone on and a text from the ex came thru that was sent at 12.01am “Checked with the bank yesterday, they said the payment went thru yesterday but not last week, please let me know ASAP -then hopefully I can do something about it, somehow till the house is sold, I am still severely struggling, since you kicked out the tenant, I can send a Western Union if you want or do a transfer on Monday”
None of that made any sense, why offer a Western Union or Transfer if the bank told him it was paid yesterday, it's all mind games with him, there was no money put in my bank account at all.
I wasted my credit by sending him a reply “I checked the bank at noon yesterday and again at 3pm, there was no payment put in, a payment was put in last week. I'm not interested in your tales of struggle, there are three of us here going without on a daily basis of even the basics which we will never get used to doing. I do not want any Western Union which will tell you our new address. I simply want what took me so long and three court visits to make you pay for your kids who you have abandoned in every other way. Funny it's always on a long bank holiday weekend that you do this. It's your bank account and your responsibility to make sure you pay your maintenance. I will check the bank again after this long weekend. I wanted to remove the memory from the kids of you starving us out of the cottage yet again last year. I failed, as you did it again”
He texted again “I offered to send you a Western Union and you have refused, this tells me you do not need the money” What a freak.
I went to town with youngest to the library then to the bank and still no maintenance. FFS.
5th August
Youngest asked me when we're getting my dog back. I had to tell him never and he wanted to know “why because she's your dog and dad never once took her a walk when he lived with us” I had to explain that was the whole point, the fact that she is is mine and he knows how much I miss her means he will keep her from me, it's punishment and his father cannot ever just strike up a conversation with any one on his own so it means he now has the dog to use because most dog walkers talk to one another. Youngest asked “do you mean like when dad joined all those dating sites and posted that he was a single dad and that makes people feel safe” I said “yes, exactly that”
Daughter rang, she said her husband sent my ex an email asking “how are you” when it was actually meant for my eldest and he got a “hippy shit reply back” from the ex and she sent it to me to read for myself, he replied “life is full of sunshine, the only downside is not seeing the boys” God give me fucking strength, nothing was given for the boys Xmas, trying to get him to pay maintenance is like pulling teeth, no cards, texts, emails, no calls for the boys birthdays, nothing when youngest broke both wrists and asked him for use of one of his laptops, not a word to youngest when he got bitten by a dog and I had to legally inform him. Daughter said “he's mad, sad and bad, do not let him get to you, we all know the truth about him”
I feel happy enough about moving to the town as we have more places to go and see and walk for free, but I'm worried about my sons, especially my youngest, he keeps telling me “you need a hug” which means he needs one, bless his little heart. My eldest is still flying solo, he no interest in anything or anyone.
8th August
N rang me, she rang B.M my solicitor to tell her to put pressure on the ex re all his shenanigans around maintenance and informed her that his offer of paying by Western Union is not acceptable for court and he has to pay into his wife's bank account as per the court order because she believes he was merely trying to find out his wife's new address. Just talking to N fills me with confidence, she is amazing and knows so much and is a fantastic help.
The Community Welfare Officer came to the house to assess my rent, she is a lovely lady, so nice and friendly, what a change from that V. C who could not even help us with quilts for our beds and made me feel so inadequate and humiliated. P is so very different, she asked if the leather sofa's were mine, I said I wish, we have no furniture at all. I showed her the letter I sent re permanent housing, she told me if we could we should stay put where we are for the time being, she told me this was just a bad patch I'm going thru and that I will get thru it and I can contact her any time and if she can help then she would because she has many contacts, what a lovely, lovely lady. She left telling me to access as much help and support as I can as she thinks I will need all the help I can get so I can stay strong for my sons and my sons will follow suit if I do that and that I should never have to suffer in silence. She must know everything about us to be saying all this but I don't mind because she is so nice. She would make a great nurse, she has that kind of manner.
9th August
I'm only using one crutch to get around now but had the misfortune for the tendon in my ankle to go snap when getting out of bed this morning. Christ the pain had me roaring, I wish I could get this sorted out once and for all. I went to the library and sent an email to the solicitor telling her I was going alone to court to get an Attachment of Earning order.
Eldest had a mild hissy fit over trying to take control of the TV remote control whilst youngest was watching a programme, he knocked over my crutches, he kicked a chair over and threw a black sack off clothes all over the hall way. I told him it was very childish and if you are not happy then you know where the door is, I'm not accepting any crap from my own children. He went off to his room.
The court clerk rang me, he said he was sending out a summons form because the ex now owed me €410 in arrears, I bloody well know because I'm the one coping without it, but at least something is being done now and he only has himself to blame.
Back into the town again and I tried the cash machine and lo and behold there was one weeks maintenance paid in, that man's games have to stop.
I have the major hump with my youngest today with his non stop remarks. I’ve no idea why he's talking like that, he was not raised like that and it has to stop.
16th August
I had a woman called Maura something come to the house to do what she told me was a Lone Parents Review, she said she was the Inspector, she was the nosiest bitch I ever came across, no warning, she just arrived at the door and walked around the house looking in room to room as if she owned the place, she took all my paperwork that I need for court too, she told me she would copy them and get them back to me, she wanted to know why I'd left my husband, I've not even gone over this in counselling yet, she then had the audacity to tell me “although your story matches what I have on file, I need proof of the two mortgages your husband took out on the family home” and no amount of me telling her that the ex was in charge of all money that I had no access to and I did not even have a bank account was getting thru to this woman but I said if I ever get back into the cottage then I will find the paperwork that she requires but I do not have it now. On the way out of the house she walked down the second hallway, she looked in the bathroom, she then opened my youngests bedroom door and went walking about checking in his room, she then asked me where my eldest was and I pointed to his door but told her “don't you dare go near my son's private space” she retreated then. I wanted to make a complaint about her, but as she's the inspector, she would have to investigate herself. She would make a wonderful prison officer. Why do people like her go out of their way to make you feel like shit on their shoe, I'm sure she's not allowed to come and go thru the whole house like that.
I rang the hospital that's going to check me out re Rheumatoid Arthritis because I'm in agony. I can't put any weight on my left ankle at all. I cannot squeeze a J-cloth as my wrists are so bad and now my bloody thigh socket is restricting my movements, the state of me. I feel like an 80 year old. A woman at the end of the phone told me I could go into the hospital but I have to stay from a Monday to a Friday for a full and thorough investigation. I told her I can't do that because my circumstances at home will not allow me to, my kids have no one except me. I asked her if I can I go in as a day patient then come home again each tea time, she said she doesn't know but she will find out and if not it will be next Autumn before I am offered another appointment. I'm distraught with worry about what the hell is wrong with me. This hospital stay is to check me for Rheumatoid Arthritis which would be an awful diagnosis to get and me being in so much pain and on crutches all this time is completely wearing me out with every fucking thing else on top.
I warned eldest and youngest that I need peace and if there were any more arguments out of them I would take the bloody hospital appointment and stay in for the five full days and they can go off to their father for a week which was a crazy thing for me to say to them but I wanted them to stop fighting. My youngest roared at me that he would kill himself if I did that. He later came and said sorry to me, he said he will go anywhere if it meant I get better. I told him I'm scared because I have no idea what's wrong with my bones and joints and the pain I'm in is wearing me out. He said you need to find out and not to be worrying about me and eldest, he said that eldest can look after himself. But eldest cannot and that's the problem. Eldest is getting worse, not better. Daughter told me to send them over to her by plane but I have no money and they have no passports of their own. N told me she and the girls will wrack their brains and see if they can come up with anything because I need to put my health first.
24th August
My eldest swallowed a pile of Xanax on Tuesday evening. I didn't know until Wednesday at 5pm because his bedroom door was shut to me before then. It was only the fact that he had opened his door that made me look in on him. I will never get over the fear, the shock, the shaking of me at seeing him like that. I am sad and angry and feel helpless. I wanted to slap him and I wanted to hug him but I could do neither, things couldn't get any worse than this.
I did slap my eldest once round the face when he spat in my face and called me a fat fucking whore when I was arguing with his dad and he butted in. I will never forget how that felt, my son's spit running down my face, it disgusted me, he disgusted me.
Why the fuck did I ever come back here, my eldest will never be happy with anyone.
At 10pm on Monday I let my youngest stay up to watch a teen movie and my eldest decided to watch it with him. I warned them there was to be no arguments at all as I was having an early night with a book. I quickly fell fast asleep and didn't know what was happening between them at all. They had an argument over two TV remote controls, eldest had one that controlled the volume, youngest had the other that controlled the channels, they got bored during the adverts and began annoying the hell out of one another by changing the channels and putting the volume up and down and when the film came on again, eldest, according to youngest would not turn the sound up to let him hear the film so youngest pretended to throw the remote control he held at eldest. Eldest flinched but nothing came his way but he got angry and he smacked youngest on his big toe with the remote control he had and youngest for real this time launched his remote control at eldests head which hit him and all hell broke loose.
The first I knew about it was hearing screaming and my youngest burst into my room and dived under my bed with my eldest running down the hall to get him. I jumped out of bed and put my shoulder against the door to keep my eldest out but he barged in and the bottom of the door went right over my bad foot leaving me screaming in pain, eldest then got youngest by his hair and was pulling him out from under my bed. I couldn't get him off youngest and was crying and screaming at the same time in fear and in pain. I told eldest to get out of my room and in a very quiet voice told him that was it, I was done, he could not live with us any more, I could not live with such chaos and fear ever again in my life, I told him he needed help and I could not give him that help, I said he had to go and live elsewhere.
Youngest was going mental, screaming “where are my shoes, I'm ringing the Garda” he roared “eldest is a nutter just like dad” and asked “why the hell did we have to come back here and live like this, we got no thanks and we never will, I'm sick of it all” I did not blame him, he was saying aloud what I actually felt. I managed to calm him down and get him into his own bedroom for the rest of the night. I went to shut everything down in the house and was shocked to find my eldest sitting as calm as you like watching the TV, I switched it off and he banged his way back to his bedroom. I heard a chair go under his door handle. I'm sick of it, of how he gets, of how he is.
I know in hindsight if I'd been awake and saw this kick off I would have roared at them both for their childishness and stupidity and sent them to their separate rooms away from one another. But because I said it in a, I give up voice, I knew eldest was taking this seriously. Youngest came into me, still crying, I told him to sleep on my floor, I was taking no more chances with my eldest getting this violent.
After little sleep I got up and woke my youngest up and told him to come out with me. I walked with my youngest to the HSE building in town and asked for the duty social worker. I'm back to using two crutches again thanks to my eldest and now a support bandage too because my foot has swollen up like a balloon and is black and blue with the door going over my foot. I saw a woman called Molly and told her all that had happened, including my asking for family support, not getting any and being signed off by them and now I was desperate and I urgently needed support. She told me “it's normal for a teen to shut themselves away in their bedroom, to eat only what they want to eat, to not interact with their family as long as they have an interest in something” she made my youngest leave the room, she said “I will not discuss any more in front of a child” my youngest told her “Mum didn't see what happened until I ran into her room, only I can tell you what happened” she told him to “sit outside” She said “I'm on holiday until September 3rd and will come out to the house then and decide what's best to do” and apparently “all the prior family history” and the fact I have not been out of the house due to eldests problems are “all your issues and not relevant” they bloody well are if my son is acting like his dad. All I could think as I limped out of her office was yet another book taught and led professional who has not a damn clue, these are real problems, real bruises and battered emotions. youngest said “well that was a waste of time and don't think I'll ever be talking to her again, you can't make me and I don't trust her”
I walked home very slowly, this was now deadly serious and no one was willing or caring enough to do anything. I need help NOW because I couldn't face going back into that house with him. I rang the agency I trust and spoke to L. She said she was sad eldest has done this, she told me to contact Social Services, she said you will be talking to real people who cares about others. I told her I'm sick of calling strangers now, all these people knowing everything about my life when all I want is normality, a normal life but I rang Social Services and talked to lady and I told her of my visit to Molly and how I needed help but Molly was going on holiday and I cannot just be left after the events of last night, she said they have their own duty social worker and it would do me good just to get to talk to someone at length. I asked her for directions, she asked me where I was coming from and I gave her my address, I was so embarrassed when she told me that she was my neighbour to the right of where we live. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.
I had to go down and talk to a woman and she said she'll have a meeting with her colleagues and get back to me about it next week.
Once back home I made eldest and youngest lunch then dinner, I had to leave my eldests meals outside his room on a chair because he wouldn't come out and get it for himself when I called for him. I tried his door handle and his door was still barricaded from the inside and he's not eating any of the meals I make but he's up and about in the early hours of the morning eating cereal, biscuits and crisps so at least he's getting something inside him. I'm confused by everything about him, why is he like this with us.
On Tuesday, I took my youngest to the library when my friend rang me and I told her everything, she told me to ring Autism Services.
I rang Autism Services but got told “there's nothing we can do to help because there's been no formal diagnosis” I cursed that bloody Child Psychologist, Marise. I wrote her a begging letter along the line of as she is only person ever to see my son, to have mentioned what she thinks is wrong with him and before he becomes another statistic or failure, please help him. I included extracts from my baby diaries of his milestones. That letter took me hours to write. I heard my eldest go into the kitchen and get himself cereal, his lunch was still untouched outside his bedroom door. He does things like that to spite me but he is only hurting himself.
On Wednesday I took my youngest to school to get him registered and to sign myself up for a PLC course because I'd no reply from the college about the Degree course I'd applied for. I told the Principal that no details were ever to be given to the father if he ever tracked us down. He said they already had a call asking if two pupils by the name of --- but he couldn't remember the surname. I said I doubt it was our surname because it's very distinctive. They wanted €100 for book rental FFS, and my youngest also needs a full new school uniform and they want €100 fees from me for the PLC course. I have no words to describe how I feel because I'm still not getting any maintenance. I now also have no solicitor. In my head I want to travel to the county where that mad bastard lives at this minute in time to smash his fucking head in but I cannot afford the bloody train fare to get there. I could howl in frustration, every day there is another thing to worry about and more money to find, the child cannot go to school if he has no books FFS.
Lone Parents rang me and asked me if I'm getting Carers Allowance, I told them I'd never heard of it and no one has told me about it, they said will send out forms for me to fill in.
I rang my youngests old school and thanked the Principal for all she'd done for both my youngest and eldest. She told me to “keep the school books to save you money and if there is ever anything I can do just call me because I like your family and will miss youngest” she is a wonderful woman.
I received a letter from B.M the solicitor telling me to get Legal Aid to get my Separation made legal. N from the agency I trust had asked me to chase her about getting my Separation so I could get a full discovery of all the ex's accounts and the solicitor had told me she would deal with the maintenance, the sale of house and the legal separation and get paid once the house was sold. The agency I trust advised me to write her a letter asking her where we stood on all matters and I got that reply from her, to apply for fucking Legal Aid. She really has left me in the shit now. And I know absolutely it's all because she twice let my bollix of a husband into her office giving him full access to her computer and now he has her old hard drive with all her client details on it. I could really land her in the shit with the Law Society if I was made that way but I'm not. She just bloody disgusts me.
A second letter I got was from the bollix ex's solicitor claiming that apart from two mistakes made by his bank he always paid his maintenance and if I'm claiming otherwise then I can take it to court and inform them of full details. What a crock of crap that is. I will be dammed if he and his solicitor will get away with lying, I will get all figures done and do all the court stuff myself. If he's claiming he's never missed a payment let HIM prove it in court. I can prove he's not been paying, fuck me the bloody court clerks can take the court stand and tell the Judge themselves how often I'm ringing them about non payments.
A third letter was from M.C the solicitor we used to buy the cottage, he's claiming he was not paid in full and wants his fees to come out of sale of cottage, all these worms crawling out of the woodwork. The man is a fool, that solicitor let the ex get a re mortgage in his sole name even tho my name is also on the deeds which is illegal and he failed to register the property with the Land Registry and three years have now gone by and he's stating he's owed money. Something fishy is going on here and it's not cod. I sent the ex a text requesting all documents and details of the mortgage because I need it for official purposes, no reply.
I was lying on top of my bed wondering how I could work a financial miracle for us when my youngest came in and told me a lady called M was at the door. She's a woman at the weekly course I attend. She said she was just passing and wanted to see how I was, I sort of told her I couldn't talk because I'm having problems with my eldest. She carried on talking and told me “you're minimising everything about your son” She told me “you need to change how you are around your kids and you have to leave them to it, because they are old enough” (she does not know anything about us) She told me “all your stress is coming out thru your body and I can see certain things that others can't” then told me “you're in denial” (I was about to explode at her) “you need to get P to do in-depth body work counselling with you” I said “I will do what I like, when I like and how I like and what works for you might not be the right thing for others and I'm too busy with my kids but thank you for all the advice” I was being sarcastic, she said she had to run because she was meeting her kids in town. I am very dubious about this “friendship” all she talks about is counselling, her marital breakdown, her meeting another man and how happy she is now. I am pleased for her but I only have one topic on my mind and that is my eldest son followed quickly by fucking finances or rather the serious lack of finances.
I posted my “please help my son” begging letter to Marise the Child Psychologists just in time for the mail collection at 4.50pm at the bottom of our street.
"Dear Marise, I really need your help as the only professional that eldest has ever seen or likely to see. Although we have moved to town, life is as bad as it ever was. There is absolutely no point in continually telling me to carry on with my own personal development to stay strong when the needs of my child must come first. I would not deserve the title of Mum if I did not try all I can to get the help that eldest needs and deserves. I have contacted Autism Services who say they can and will come into the house in support of us all and have many services they can provide us with, but without a professional report, they cannot assist us at all. As I told you by telephone, regards you saying Aspergers, I said you were correct, you were right, this was the missing piece of the jigsaw, of something I always knew was wrong but had no name for until you said it to me. Once you said it, I read the books, I got online and I re read all my letters to my eldest from birth to 10 years old and I now know for a fact this is what he has. You told me that you do not like putting labels on children but if this label can actually help my son before he reaches the age of 18 and then no help is available to him I don't care what label he has as long as it means I can get the help that he clearly needs. He will not agree to see any other professional so I ask you please, as the only one who has seen eldest, can you please write a report so that I can secure the help he needs before he becomes yet another statistic or misfit. Whatever your decision, please let me know as soon as possible. Thank you"
I made dinner and took my eldests down to his room and I saw his door was now open and no longer jammed shut with a chair under the inside of his door handle. He had accidentally broken his bed simply by sitting on it on Sunday so I saw his mattress on the floor and he was asleep and I started to tickle his feet, he didn't move, my eldest is very tickly and a slight alarm went off in my head but he lifted his head and said WHAT, so I retreated and told him his dinner was ready and I went back to the kitchen. I opened the kitchen drawers looking for my eczema cream and Piriton tablets and something registered with me that something was missing but I didn't know what. I walked back down to eldests bedroom and saw there were empty packets of Xanax strewn all over the floor. I'd just been in his room and they weren't there when I was in his room mere minutes before. I flew into a panic, I tried to get him up, he didn't move or answer me asking him how many had he taken, asking him when did he take them, asking him was it just now from when I first came into his room, he answered nothing I asked him. I counted the empty packs, 29 in total were missing. I ran to living room to get the phone and hit re dial by mistake. N answered and I told her about eldest and she told me hang up and call 911 or 999. I did then I opened the front door and ran back into eldest bedroom. A woman and man from the ambulance service walked into the house and got eldest up off the floor. I was roaring and crying asking him “what in god name possessed you to do such a thing” he said “as if you don't fucking know, you're trying to kick me out” I was trying to give his history to the ambulance people but it was difficult with my eldest present, his mood was foul and so was his language. He was so rude and un cooperative that the ambulance man and woman threatened to leave him at home.
N from the agency I trust met us at the hospital, she gave the history to the front desk for me. I was a basket case with nerves and shaking like a leaf. N left us at 6pm, I will never know how to thank her for all she's done for my family, she told me “he's learnt the act of manipulation and you must rise above this, he's a troubled boy who needs professional help” I told her only ten minutes before I found him I'd posted a begging letter to the Child Psychologist and that psychologist had better do something now about this. I talked to the doctor. I told him “my son has Aspergers Syndrome but has no official diagnosis and he's liable to flip at the slightest thing but can you please be patient and not take any insult he may throw your way to heart”
I went to my eldest now by in a casualty bed, he was on a drip and a heart monitor because his heart beat was racing fast. I begged him “never do such a thing ever again” he replied in a low growl “don't you fucking give me cause to then” How the hell is all this my fault, it's his violence and his behaviour that made me so mad to tell him he had to live elsewhere. My youngest said to him “that's blackmail, mum did not cause you to do this, you did it yourself, you attacked me and you locked yourself in your bedroom, you took the tablets out of the drawer, you swallowed them, you opened your door so you must have wanted help” eldest roared at him “fuck off unless you want to die” then continued “she is going to fucking kick me out and has not spoken to me since Monday” I felt like screaming in his face, how the hell can you speak to someone who avoids you, who locks themselves in their room, who is awake all night and asleep all day, who does not eat the food I buy and cook, who talks to me like a piece of dirt when he does decide to talk to me. He started roaring “get the fucking needle out of my arm or I will do it myself” and “I want to get out of this place” my stress levels shot through the roof, trying to keep him calm, trying to placate him.
A Duty Psychiatrist came along and started questioning him “why did you do it” My son replied “why does anyone do it” then he answered “because I want to die and she's kicking me out and she will not speak to me” The Psychiatrist told him “well it didn'twork and you're a lucky boy” my eldest said “I will keep doing it till I succeed” the Psychiatrist asked him how he would do it, eldest told him “I will hang myself” I said “we have no rope” eldest said “I will cut my wrists” I said “we have no sharp knives” eldest said “I will drown myself” I said “we don't have a bath, only a shower “
The Psychiatrist nodded at me to follow him and took me into a private room, I truly thought my eldest would be helped but the Psychiatrist told me he'd spoken to a Consultant Don Mc Dwyer who told him the surname rings a bell and we didn't keep the appointment he had sent out to us. I asked “what the hell is going on in this place, my son has never had any appointment from anyone” I told him all about Marise and Del and getting dumped by them both so what he's just been told was rubbish. He said “eldest will probably be seen tomorrow by the Consultant” and he handed me paper and pen and told me to write “your taking full responsibility for eldest at home and he's not a danger to himself” I said “no, that's a dreadful responsibility to put on a mum, did you not just hear all my eldest just told you, that he will keep on trying till he succeeds” The duty psychiatrist told me “I don't understand what you mean” I said “my son has told you he wants to die, he has told you the many ways he will try to do so and you are asking me, no, you are telling me what to write and that I've just to take him home after all he just said to you” The Psychiatrist said “the Consultant Psychiatrist is based in Letterkenny but the Psychiatric Unit is miles away, is that what you want for your son, do you really want your child in an adult psychiatric ward many miles away” (give that twat of a psych a gold star for playing the guilt trip card) He said “I will make sure your eldest is seen by the Consultant tomorrow” I asked him “tell me again what you want me to write” I wrote what he told me to, word for word, I had to ask him what he wanted me to write as I was still in shock. I asked him what today's date was, he told me, I gave him back the piece of paper but he handed it back to me telling me I had not signed it. I signed it.
I went back into casualty where eldest was and I saw the Psychiatrist on the phone sitting directly opposite my eldests bed and we could hear every word he was saying to the Consultant, all about eldest, all about the family history, about the meeting he'd just had with mum. I told my eldest to get out of the bed and follow me, I didn't want him hearing any of this, I told a nurse this and said that we will wait in the corridor and could she let me know when the Psychiatrist got off the phone. My eldest was as high as a kite and yelling “someone get this fucking needle out of my arm now or I will pull it out myself” A male nurse walked up to us without saying a word to me or eldest and just pulled the needle out of my eldests arm, I was shocked, he didn't know anything about my eldest. I assume he thought he was just a loud nuisance, but I was shocked all the same. I would have gone ballistic if I'd been in better frame of mind.
We left the hospital after three hours and passed five youths walking into the hospital, eldest roared “fucking chavs” I told him to shut up, he said “I'm well up for a fight” I told him I would take him straight back into the hospital and leave him there until the morning and I'd go home without him. He then started walking on the very edge of the pavement and kept stumbling into the road, my nerves were shattered and my poor youngest looked wrecked with tiredness and very fed up. I kept pushing eldest back onto the pavement and walked on the road myself because I knew what he was trying to do, walk in front of a passing car, he told me “you're a hypocrite” I have no idea why I'm a hypocrite and had no interest in finding out either.
We got home at 9.40pm. I made the dinner I'd abandoned earlier and got eldest into bed. I asked my eldest if he wanted his father informed and his reply was “only if you want him to die” I went to bed at 10.30pm but my eldests words were playing in my head so I decided I would not sleep, not after all he told the Psychiatrist. I checked on him every 30 minutes, he woke up at 1.45am and went into the living room and watched the TV, I picked up a book and pretended to read it, I had no concentration at all. He went back to bed at 5.15am so I closed my eyes on the couch and fell asleep until 7.30am.
I woke eldest up at 7.30am and told him to get in the shower as he would be seeing the Consultant today, he said “no, I'm not going to see anyone” I told him “you now have no choice in the matter, what you did was serious and you're still legally a child so you have to be seen and you either get up or get dragged up there by professionals, that's the only choice you now have” He got into the shower.
My land line rang, it was P. She told me she had been talking to M her client, she said “we're worried about you so I have asked P to ring Social Services on your behalf” I was confused, I'd only just contacted them myself. She asked me how things were, I told her not at all good and about the hospital trip last night and that I've had two hours sleep so I can't stay on the phone talking to her as I'm expecting people at the door about my eldest, she asked me to tell her exactly what happened and asked me why is was not still in the hospital, so I told her and she went mad, she told me to get straight down to the Garda and make a complaint re no hospital help in an emergency for my son, she told me to ask for the Superintendent. I told her I had no energy or gumption to do that. I just wanted him helped, fixed, better. She said sign nothing, I said I already had to last night, she said if they do not get in touch with you today you need to get to the Garda station. She said she would ring me later.
I started cleaning and started thinking and I'm raging, how dare M, a so called new friend leave my house and then speak to P about me, I'm no longer a client of that service. I only attended a course on how to recover from Domestic Violence.
The phone rang, a man said “I'm Dr Michael Creane, the Registrar in Child Psychiatry” he said “I've come down specially to see you” I replied “it's taken this, my son doing this to get us help” he said “well he's seen a Psychologist before” I was fuming but had no time to explain Marise's cock ups. He gave me a time to go up to where he works to see him, it wasn't far from the house so we could walk there. I told my eldest “all will be okay, you just needs to speak to these people and get help and all will be okay” I think I was just trying to convince myself.
We both went in together, Dr Creane asked “can I see eldest on my own” I said okay and stood up to leave but eldest said “no, my mum's staying” eldest then started talking, he got angry and aggressive, he said “Mum should be giving youngest a beating and if she wont do it then I will because youngest deserves a hard slap, if you break the law (what frigging law) you accept the consequences and youngest deserves to have the shit kicked out of him” I was furious, this was not about youngest, he was just deflecting everything and I jumped to my youngests defence, Dr Creane jumped, I asked him “are you okay, what are you worried about to be jumping like that” he said “I'm not worried, I just do not want you arguing” I said “this is not us arguing, this is the way eldest talks to me all the time and I'm defending my youngest son because eldest can be a bully and I do not like violence of any description and if this is how eldest is going to talk and act and think and threaten then he's not coming home with me and I will walk out and I will leave the country with my youngest because we've had enough abuse to last us a life time and we do not want, need or frigging deserve any of this”
Eldest then talked to him and told him why he could not attend the school last year, he said “I had a panic attack at the gates” I asked him “why am I just hearing this now because when you came home that day you just walked straight up to your room and would not talk to me at all for days, you just told me to “fuck off” Eldest said “I had no word back then for what I felt and I only found out recently what it was from reading a Stephen King book”
I had to speak to Dr Creane alone about the history, of the marriage, both family backgrounds, of the Child Psychologist saying Aspergers then doing nothing, he said “yes it's definitely Aspergers plus Oppositional Defiance Disorder” and I was struck dumb as this is what my youngest said eldest had when we went onto the Aspergers website. Eldest then went back to talk to the Doctor on his own. I rang my youngest and told him what I'd been told eldest has and what eldest said about him so warned him to be ready to leave the house at a minutes notice when I next rang him because it could mean eldest would be on the war path and likely to erupt. I rang N and told her, she said if I need to I could go down to her office with youngest to keep him safe.
I went back into Dr Creane and he told me “eldest has agreed to no more arguments and you have to attend again tomorrow at 12 noon to finish the assessment, then it will all be in the hands of the Youth Mental Health Team” I did not even question why, I'm just grateful that it looks like he's now being helped.
Eldest was in a very bad mood and went straight to his bedroom. I made him lunch then got youngest out of the house and took him to town. I was desperate for sleep but I wasn't hanging about the house all day waiting for eldest to explode. This isn't fair and I don't know what the fuck to do about him, he's just a fucking nightmare to live with.
I took youngest for a Burger King in town and apologised to him for bringing him back to all this mess. I truly am sorry, he doesn't deserve this chaos, all the moving, the different schools. I've been blaming myself but I shouldn't be because I'm doing the best I frigging can with an awful situation, with a serious lack of money, with an ex who deserves a gold star for all the ways he can think of to fuck us over and does so on a regular basis while he lives the life of Riley, Scot free with no one to think about except himself. Youngest nodded his head, he said “well you had no choice really did you” I was so proud of him for saying that to me but I know he's very resentful and I'm beginning to feel the same way too. No one should have to put up with eldest the way he is.
We went to see N to let her know we were okay and what Dr Creane said. I gave youngest €10 to take his mind of things, he bought a magazine, coke and sweets. He gave me that shy smile from the counter and I felt my heart tug. I love him so much, he's a walking angel. We took a Burger King Meal back for eldest, I was in no fit state to cook, I needed my bed and sleep so badly, I was ready for dropping.
We had a peaceful night thank god, eldest was still asleep when we got back, I took an old burger out of the fridge and chopped it into bits for the birds in the morning and left a note out for eldest telling him there was a burger king meal in the fridge for him.
Eldest was up and about in the early hours of the morning but he'd eaten the wrong burger and had awful food poisoning, it was just pouring out of him. You would think he was having labour pains the yells out of him. I did feel sorry for him tho. He blocked the toilet and I couldn't unblock it, it was coming up thru the bloody shower. I had to wash his hair over the sink and get him to have a strip wash before the second assessment appointment, he couldn't go like that but I told him he had to go and no more could come out of his rear end any more and at least he wasn't throwing up. He said “I do not like that doctor, I thinks he's a (terrible thing to accuse a person of)” Where the hell does he get his thinking from. I told him to keep his thoughts to himself because that was a disgusting thing to say about anyone, he said “well it's true” FFS
M the Education Welfare Officer came to the house and found me in hysterical laughter, she must have thought I was mad. I told her about my poor eldest eating an old burger and having the awful runs and that he'd roared my name from the hall then shouted “too fucking late” god love him. He had to get washed and changed again. M chatted to him about politics for a while then left us to get to this appointment. I forgot to ask her why she was at the house, she did not say why. She is a really lovely girl.
Walking up to the place for his second appointment, eldest said “do not leave me alone with that man” he said “I'm not talking to him on my own and you cannot make me” We sat in the small waiting area and Dr Creane came out to get us, he told eldest “Mum can stay where she is” I was still sitting down, eldest was standing up, Dr Creane put one arm around eldests shoulder and his other arm under eldests armpit and kind of rocked my eldest back and forth and said “a big lad like you does not need his Mum with him” I thought oh my god he's just put his hands on eldest and eldest will deck him but eldest just turned to me and said “I told you he was a (terrible thing to call someone) and I almost died on the spot. My eldest said “I'm leaving if I have to see this man alone” so I told Dr Creane I'm going in with him because we need to get this assessment done. We both got told “you look much brighter today” I replied “yes, isn't is amazing what sleep and help can do for a person” Dr Creane doesn't know how to take me at all.
He started talking to my eldest, telling him “make sure to get back into school asap” eldest was getting agitated, I said “we're only here to get this second assessment done and nothing else, so please just concentrate on that and do not be stressing my eldest out” I told him I'd already found a Community Workshop for kids who cannot attend school for whatever reason and the man who ran it was K. D and I was waiting on him to call me but my eldests circumstances had to be sorted out first. Dr Creane said “that's good, no one can force eldest back into school” (but he just bloody tried to) the man just pushed the school issue onto eldest, then said the complete opposite when I pulled him up about it. I was so confused.
We were then taken into a “family room” and got told the Consultant Psychiatrist Don Mc Dwyer would be joining us, there were camera's pointing straight at us which my eldest noticed immediately, I told him “I couldn't give a monkeys what they point at us and neither should you” They could have warned us tho. We were left sitting there alone for ten minutes and we had a laugh which is a rare occurrence these days. Eldest was worried in case he crapped himself again in this place, I told him “they will probably just use the tape on You’ve been framed and if they do they will owe you £250” he laughed at that.
In came Consultant Don Mc Dwyer and Dr Creane, my eldest was asked how he felt, he was asked what he wanted for his future, and then the Consultant said “mum is right, none of you can carry on this way, no one should have to live in fear, we will come up with a plan for all the family”
I handed over the names and notes of conversations of all the people I'd contacted for help, including the child psychologist and my begging letter to her. I was told they tried to ring Marise but she's been on holiday for a month, I said I am disgusted about that and handed over a copy of the hand written letter I sent to her and told him anyone reading that, even a secretary, surely would have had the sense to contact someone on my behalf just by the contents of the letter alone and not leave a mother like this. I was told they were still waiting on the casualty report from the hospital and had rang Del yesterday, I rolled my eyes at that and said I would love to know what he had to say. The meeting was over, they said they would be in touch.
As we walked out my phone rang. I was told by a woman that she was an HSE Social Worker, she asked how I was and asked me how was my eldest. I said we're fine and just leaving my sons appointment and he is by my side now, she said because it's Friday and the weekend is coming up she wanted to make sure I was okay, I said I'm fine today but I really needed help on Monday when I went in to see the Duty Social Worker Molly and felt dismissed, she told me Molly will be back on Monday. I have no idea who that lady was and who asked her to call me but I'm grateful that she did.
I cannot explain in mere words what total isolation does to the human spirit, my spirit, I am a people person, I love people, meeting them, talking to them, I am very touchy feely, humans are built for interaction with others, well this one is and this has has been the toughest road I have ever been on and by god there have been a few of those just like others have travelled but I need and crave interaction with others and that is the killer for me. I am happy in my own skin, I like my own company, I'm not looking for anything other than the company of others but if this my life for the conceivable future then I prayed that help / support will come and continue.
We just got home when eldests bowels exploded again, the poor boy.
I took youngest into town and we met M coming out of the chemist, she asked how we got on at the appointment. I told her. I bought eldest some medicine to stop his diarrhoea.
I made a file to send to the court about non payment of maintenance. I checked my bank and one weeks maintenance had been paid. I have to pay €180 rent per week for this house we live in, I have to buy my youngests school uniform, I have to pay the tutor that taught my eldest. I can just about do it all if I walk all week and don't use the bus every day, the crutches will have to get me where I have to go.
I was in bed by 10pm and awake at 6am, I checked on my eldest and lay down next to him on his bed and asked him “are you okay” he told me “the runs have stopped now” He knows I don't mean that but I didn't push it. I got him breakfast and told him to rest as much as he could, he said okay as he'd not got much sleep anyway.
Eldest later watched the Rugby match with me, then he and youngest went out into the back garden and kicked a football about, they have not done this in a year, it started raining and without me asking, they both got my washing in from the line. It feels like we are maybe getting back to normal, I do hope so.
Went to town with youngest to get shopping and buy his uniform, €35 for trousers, €33 for the jumper, €14 for two white polo shirts. Youngest started mouthing off at me and being cheeky so I walked away from him and went to bus stop alone. I really need this from him like I need a hole in my fucking head.
We were all sitting in the living room watching the TV but every time my youngest opened his mouth my eldest told him “shut the fuck up” I told eldest to chill his boots. They asked if they could stay up and watch a film called Little Nicky, I said only if there was no arguing and no messing and if I heard one raised voice then I would be out of my room to switch everything off, they said okay.
26th August
None of us are getting a good nights sleep lately.
27th August
Checked my bank balance, no maintenance has been paid. Christ almighty I cannot keep living like this, I feel like I have the weight of the frigging world on my shoulders with no let up at all with money worries. And everything else too. I could strangle that fucking man.
Molly the Social Worker rang the house phone. I was number crunching our finances for the week with no maintenance, it only works if I know how much we have to live on daily.
My youngest answered the phone to her and she asked to speak to my eldest, youngest told her “he's asleep” he asked her “shall I go and get mum” Molly told him “no, go and wake up your brother” youngest came to me and said “some cheeky bitch is on the phone ordering me around and telling me to go and wake up eldest” I lost it thru all the worry about my eldest, about my finances, about court, the lot, I have had enough so I got on the phone and I just let rip at her.
“How bloody dare you, have you no respect for the adult in this house, how dare you order my son to do anything when he does not even know you” She said “it says on the notes I have in front of me that eldest likes talking on the phone” I asked her “where did you get that information from” she said “County L” I said “if P, the very nice girl in County L has interoperated her asking my eldest on the phone once with encouragement from me to leave the cottage and go out for a Burger King with her and he told her to fuck off and hung up on her and this is now noted on file that my eldest likes to talk on the phone then we are doomed, we're in real trouble because it's a pile of rubbish” I told Molly “I'm not at all happy about you anyway and will be dealing with Social Services instead” She replied “no matter who you deal with it will still come back to me because it's a child protection issue and I'm here for support” I let rip at her again, “not one of you has protected my bloody child, I sought help and support from the school, from bloody Social Work and seen a Child Psychologist and the Duty Psychiatrist in hospital was not in the least bit bothered about protecting my son from harming himself after he overdosed, I've seen a Child Psychiatric Registrar and a Consultant Psychiatrist and you have the damn cheek to say this is a child protection issue. I saw you and you dismissed me like shit on your shoe and told me all our history and goings on were all my issues and that you were going on holiday, who the hell do you think you are. I walked into you off the street in distress for help and support and met you when my eldest attacked my youngest and hurt my foot, you did no protecting of my youngest did you and I told you everything that happened” She did not answer any of my questions or statements that I fired down the phone at her, she informed me “eldest will be going back to school on Thursday” I said “and what bloody school will that be then, you should know the history because I told you and you apparently have notes from County L in front of you” She asked “why will he not be in school on Thursday” and I nearly put the phone down on her, she was not listening to one bloody word I was saying so why was she even on the phone to me. I said “you're wasting my time here” she ignored me and asked “are you going to college” I said “no I can't go because I'm trying to get my eldest into a Community Workshop in town and if he goes I will have to get him there and collect him otherwise he will not go” She said “he's big enough to get himself there and back” I sighed loudly and told her “you haven't got a clue” She said “I'll be round to you on Monday and I'll need to see eldest in person” but she did not give me a time which I needed so I could prepare eldest because he will be so anxious and freak out about it and guess who will be at the firing end of his anxiety. I think she's just another Del in a skirt, another Hitler, all power. They think they can walk all over you. They will not be doing any walking over with me, those days are well and truly over. I rang Social Services and told them “sorry but I will have to cancel my meeting with you because I've just be told (all the above) by HSE Molly. A lady said “you can talk to who ever you like, you do have choices” and said she would still come out and see me.
I rang Legal Aid, they have a 2 month waiting list.
28th August
M from Social Services came to the house at 11.30am, she said all she can offer is her ear. I said that's enough for me right now but eldest really needs professional help otherwise this is just going to carry on with nothing changing. She said wait and see what the Psych's comes up with. She gave me a hug when she left.
Eldest is in a bad mood, Christ knows why, he was chatty last night. Living with him is like living with 1000 teen girls with PMT. He can change like the wind. It is soul destroying.
I went with eldest to town to meet K. D at the Community Workshop. Eldest was not happy about it at all, I said lets just give it a chance and see what they can offer. We had to sit and wait for a long time. K was very late, my eldest wanted to leave but I said no we're not as it took us 45 minutes to walk here with me on crutches so I'm not moving till he gets here. K arrived, he was a nice friendly man, he said it was very unusual a mum attending as that never happened. I kept my mouth shut hoping eldest did not read anything bad in that. We were shown round the place, they had lots on offer, computing, music etc. but he told us that eldest needed to wait and see if he passed his Junior Cert first. We left, eldest said “you can fuck off if you think I’m going there, the place is full of fucking Chav's” I inwardly groaned. I'm sick of his negativity about anything and everything I try to do to help him. He did not say anything like this to K. D tho. I felt at my wits end and was very tearful walking home, he refused to go to Tesco with me which meant I had to make this trip all over again after I got him home first.
Eldest spent the rest of the day reading and sleeping then got up at 9pm to watch TV, he was very quiet and withdrawn again.
29th August
I rang the Psych place and told a woman “I'm very confused because I've not heard a word from you about my eldest” I was put thru to Dr Creane, I told him about our visit to the Community Workshop and my eldests refusal to attend the place” Dr Creane told me “it's part of the condition” I asked “what condition” he said “Aspergers” I said “so it's definitely confirmed that my eldest has Aspergers” he said “you knew that anyway” that bloody man needs coaching in social skills himself. He said I should be applying for financial support but did not say why or where to, he said he would see us on Friday when he hoped to have the report but it wasn't finished yet. He said he will contact Autism Services for support for us and he will get eldest to gradually accept his Aspergers diagnosis.
I think I might be depressed. I'm very tearful. I cannot sleep properly, my mind is whizzing with everything and I cannot even read a newspaper. I have no concentration but have to put on a brave face for the kids. I was exactly this way when my marriage ended, I'm thinking I might pop along to the doctor and see what she suggests because my energy is zilch at present and my mood is very low, with me you know its bad when I don't want to talk because I'm normally a budgie, chatter, chatter non stop.
I rang Autism Services in tears, a girl said she would get someone to ring me back.
M from Autism Services rang me back, we've spoken a couple of times before but she could not help because my eldest did not have a formal diagnosis, now he had, by telephone to me and I'm heart broken. I do not know what this means for him or for his future or for us as a family. I have read enough on the subject but they are just words, my son is a person with his own personality, this condition does not state all his behaviours, his anger, I'm still convinced if he could have off loaded and was listened to about his dad by the child psychologist Marise then I feel he would not be so angry and not be so vile to me and to youngest. M asked me how I was feeling about the diagnosis and the gates of grief opened and I was unable to talk, no one has ever asked me that before, no one has cared enough to ask and here was someone with the decency and kindness to ask me and I was overwhelmed. I was not expecting that, I cried until I felt sick, I had a pounding headache and I wanted a hug from someone, anyone. I told her my heart hurts and I'm scared about it and scared for my eldest. She said she and a woman called Anne Koash would be out to the house next Tuesday at 2.30pm. I told her my eldest might refuse to meet them, but I would try my best to convince him because it's in his best interests, she told me not to worry as they were used to that.
Eldest got up and told me his throat was killing him and he didn't want to eat today, he said he will have yogurts and nothing else. I wanted to wrap my arms around him but knew he would not let me and I could not hear “fuck off” today. I cannot believe all this is happening to him.
I had to ring the court and ask if I could represent myself in court. The clerk said yes and told me I just give my evidence and provide proof and he will be there to guide me. I told him about the ex's latest offer of a Western Union and that cannot happen because it would let him know our address. The clerk said “so that's why he did not put on the yoke” I haven't a clue what that means.
30th August
Youngest started school today, he didn't want me going with him. I'm worried about him tho, all he's had to put up with and all he's had to go without and he is yet again the new boy in school and knows no one. I'm heart sore for him. He returned at 11.30am and said everyone was okay with him but he's refusing to do French and wants to go back to B school so he can continue to do German. I told him we're too far away from B school and we have no transport which he knows about. I told him to try and settle down and give the place time. He's such a lovely boy so should get on alright. We walked to town for me to collect my money from the bank, I have €214 and no maintenance has been paid and after rent the three of us only have €95 to live on for the next 6 days which is supposed to cover food and other bills and I am supposed to clothe three of us on that too. Why can I not catch a fucking break from all this.
P the CWO rang me up to see what the maintenance position was and said if she has to she will re calculate my rent for me, I didn'teven think that could be done so I was very grateful. She said “it's cruel and despicable what your husband is doing” she said she would talk to her boss and call me back. She said “you would be better off not getting any maintenance at all because you would get more rent allowance help” she said “I will write you a carefully worded letter to take to court with you” She will let me know if she can get a rent reduction for me. The relief if she could would be enormous to us. I had to get my youngest new school shoes €30 and school stuff and the scientific calculator cost frigging €14 on its own.
31st August
Eldest refused to get up, he said no way was he going to see Dr Creane ever again. He said he's too tired and I cannot force him to do anything.
I rang the Psych place and asked if I could come along myself because eldest refused to go but I need to bring my youngest with me because I'm not leaving him in house alone with eldest when he's in a bad mood. I was told yes.
Dr Creane told me “you should be getting Carers Allowance and it should ease your financial situation and Consultant Mc Dwyer has written a letter about it and that should hold some clout” I asked about home education for eldest, he told me “speak to M from Autism Services about it” He asked how youngest was taking it all, he asked me “does he know about his brothers condition, can I speak to him to let him know a little bit about it” I said okay because he was sitting outside waiting for me, he asked me to go and get him, I did and youngest came in to the room. Dr Creane asked how he was and how was his new school going and my youngest flipped, he started yelling and crying and shouted at me “why is he asking me questions, there's nothing wrong with me” and he ran out of the building. I was stupefied, shocked and angry at him doing that, I do not have much time for Dr Creane but he was going to try and fill youngest in about eldest and he threw a strop like that. I left and youngest was still yelling at me saying “I will never trust you again” “why did you not tell me I would be brought into that room” I told him “I didn't know you would be asked and you could have used the big mouth you have on you now to say no thank you I don't want to see Dr Creane to learn anything about my brothers condition” He ran off down the hill and went home without me and did not speak to me the rest of the day. I think my frigging children should grow up and act their bloody age. I don't know what the fuck is going on now.
1st September
I had a conversation with my eldest about home education, he said he wants to work towards his Leaving Cert and wants to learn Swedish. I told him I'm concerned about his lack of socialising, having no friends, no one to talk to, no one except me to talk for him. He said it does not bother him, he said he prefers it this way but he will go to the cinema and come swimming with me once a week if we ever get the money to do it.
I'm gutted. The college has no place for me this year.
To cover myself in court I had to inform the ex of eldests formal diagnosis. I think that's just disgusting that I have to do that when he does not give a shit about either of his sons but I sent it anyway and there was no reply from him.
2nd September
I found out online that the ex and his boss are in charge of contracts for small businesses and it names the ex as an expert and says he's experienced since 1985, what total bollix that is. He was not working with computers until 1992. I'm fuming, he's not paying a cent for his kids but his career seems to be progressing and I cannot even get a fucking education because I'm stuck and trapped in poverty with OUR kids. I want my day in court.
3rd September
No sign of Molly the Social Worker. I rang her, she claimed “I only told you I would ring you today to arrange an appointment” I said “you told me you would be out today and I'm expecting you ” She asked when the best time to see eldest was. I told her “as late as possible because he's not sleeping at night” She told me she would be out at 3.45pm. I woke up eldest and told him he had to be seen in the flesh by this woman. He said okay.
Molly arrived, me and eldest were sitting side by side on the couch and she chatted away to him, he replied which was good. She told him “I know a lot of teens who lock themselves away but you need the interaction of peers too and you need to sort all your in held crap re your father with the professionals at the Psych place and mum needs to get a life for herself too” (I was starting to like this woman) She said “I have no need to come see you again, I feel a lot of love in this house but if you ever find things tough you can always pop along and ask to see me or speak to any duty social worker” I was happy with how the visit went and the sense she spoke but I felt a bit anxious that she doesn't need to come out again, I don't want to be left alone with how things are at the moment. Eldests overdose has not been dealt with by anyone. I walked Molly to door and told her “I thought you were Hitler in a skirt after I first met you” she laughed her head off at that and told me “you're a tonic, you're gas, you can call me at any time”
I'm starting to not want to go out myself, I'm feeling very self conscious, I have to sort myself out so I'm strong for my children, what in god's name would happen to them if I end up ill. When I suffer from stress overload it comes out in my body as I have no one I can take it out on, shout at or roar at. I get eczema but am left with beautiful skin when it’s gone. I had arthritis in both ankles’ so bad I was on crutches and when this cleared up it started in my wrists. I have gone blind in one eye which shocked the life out of me but was called a visual migraine without the headache or flashing lights, these arrived the next day, not for the faint hearted, absolutely sickening but thank god not a regular occurrence. I lose concentration which is a swine because I love reading books. I cannot eat properly because I constantly feel sick, this is only when everything gets on top of me. I do feel lucky that I have a happy disposition, things really have to be bad for any of the above to happen but now instead of getting worked up and angry I listen to my body and take steps to de stress, simple cheap things like relaxation / meditation cd's, writing everything down that’s in my head that leaves me stuck on the one problem. I ring the Samaritans for someone to talk to, I go onto an on-line parenting site and get the most fantastic support and friendships. I clean and re arrange the furniture in the house from top to bottom. I've always been a little scrubber!! I put my music on and dance and sing as I clean. I love being my age because I do not give a monkey's how I sound or look, my kids think I'm mental and so do I at times but needs must whilst the devil drives sometimes.
L from the agency I trust rang me “I have an old monitor that youngest can have so he has home access to a computer” what a sweetheart she is thinking about him. She told me “keep strong, we all know you are an amazing woman keeping one foot in front of the other whilst all this shit is going on constantly yet you still keep your sense of humour”
I rang the court and asked could I get a date sooner than the 12th because I'm now desperate and have no money, little food, I've bills coming out of my ears and if not could a warrant be sent out as I need that maintenance to feed my frigging kids. The clerk told me to wait until the 12th and tell the judge everything on the day and sort it out then. The law in this country is a disgrace. I have a court order and I have to keep fighting to get a father to pay what he was court ordered to pay and he's not paying. The Bastard.
4th August
I left the house in the morning with youngest, he went to school and I went to town, it felt weird youngest not walking with me because I normally wait for him to come with me to help me and also have bit of a laugh with him. I had child benefit in the bank so went to Tesco, it was empty of people so I got my shopping in for the week then went to Dunnes to get my eldest new clothes because I had to throw out his other clothes when he had the bad runs.
Went into the Legal Aid office to hand in my application and gave them copies of all my documents.
Autism Services M and Anne Koash came to house at 3.30pm. They asked a lot of questions and they had a lot of forms to fill in, then told me “there's nothing we can do until eldest had been officially diagnosed with Aspergers” I said “that's bloody nonsense” I got told “that's how we work but there will be a lot of help once eldest has accepted the diagnosis and a lot of agencies will then be involved and we will come up with a plan and because eldest wants to learn music we can offer this and will do so on our next visit and tell him his official diagnosis” They left the house having not seen my eldest at all.
Took youngest into town after school and gave him €100 for his school book rental, he said he needed another €10 so he could get himself a school locker. He said he's getting on well at school and been going to the local garage for lunch with four lads. I'm so pleased for him. I got a bag of goodies for them both then went home and made the dinner. I checked my old sim card and a message came thru from the ex “Wages will be clear tomorrow, will transfer money to you, did you cash in Western Union” I replied “no I didn't and you now owe us 8 weeks maintenance. I assume you're texting me now just for court purposes because we're back in court on the 12th. No reply from him.
Youngest is getting very cheeky with me, he's getting really bad tempered and talking to me so disrespectfully. I wish he knew just how much he's hurting me.
My friend rang. I filled her in on all plus what Autism Services told me. She asked me what would I think about sending in a letter about the delay in getting eldest his diagnosis and so getting help, she said if I did that, then they might sit up and take notice.
Had an email from W the solicitors secretary to tell me my file is ready to collect from her office so I can give it to Legal Aid. Youngest was out of school early so we got the 2.55pm train. I could have screamed the place down because despite that swine sending me a text saying his wages were clear there was no maintenance in the bank for us.
It took an hour and a half to get to the solicitors and I was shaking, it felt very strange to be back here. We went straight to the solicitors office and got my file. I asked if the ex had dropped in the 23 inch computer monitor he said he would hand in for youngest on the 23rd July. I was told no he's not handed anything in. What a Bastard. Youngest was very upset about it, my poor boy. We had a two hour wait for the next train back so we went into a café next door to the ex's work place, it bloody cost €12 for a cup of tea, a diet coke and two slices of cake. Youngest was insisting “I'm going upstairs to ask for my dad because we need that money, it's ours to feed us so I'm going to go and get it” I told him “no because if I saw that man then I would be arrested for all he's done to us”
Instead I withheld my number and rang the ex's mobile, it went straight to answer phone. I heard a happy, chirpy voice saying “leave a message” he was always a miserable bastard with us, of course he would now be happy and chirpy with no frigging responsibility or hassle. I left a message “Just been to bank and no maintenance paid yet again, youngest and I are her in town now. I suppose there's no chance of you meeting us and giving me what you owe us, so I shall see you in court on Wednesday”
We walked around in circles to kill time whilst waiting for the train, we went into the Cathedral I used to take my friend T's child every day when she was a baby. We had a long journey back home. A very attractive man was sitting across from me and kept staring at me, I wanted to stick my tongue out at him for bit of fun but decided against it. Weird I even noticed he was attractive because I've not even looked in another man's direction yet.
We didn't get back till 8.30pm, we went into Tesco, then the chip shop then home. I chatted with my eldest about our trip. I then sat in the back garden with the cats, I had a lot of thoughts and regrets running thru my head. I was feeling sad. Youngest said he felt sick, he'd been saying that since he ate the chocolate cake in the cafe. I hope to god it's just a 24 hour thing.
I have the doctor tomorrow, I asked eldest if he would go with me because my ankle is too painful to walk on even with crutches so there's no way I'll be able to go to the shops alone. He said he will let me know tomorrow.
My 1st appointment with my new doctor, she's a nice down to earth girl, I had my youngest with me because he's still feeling sick, she said he has a tummy bug and to keep him off school. She told me to chase up the hospital because me being on crutches for so long and still in dreadful pain should be ringing alarm bells somewhere, that put the fear of god in me, I also needed to have a smear and a cholesterol check done with the nurse.
I was in the cyber café, photo-copying documents I need for court when the court clerk rang me and asked if I'd got any money from the ex, I said no I haven't, he said we just got a fax thru from him claiming to have paid it, I asked when they got the fax, he said 5pm. It's Friday so a light bulb went off in me, I said clever man, he probably didn't expect anyone to get that fax until Monday and I thanked him for letting me know, it meant I could go and check my bank account and hopefully have money for the weekend now. I told the clerk “I'm still having my day in court because I want to talk to the judge about all of this” he said “good girl, good girl”
I have three weeks maintenance in the bank. Isn't it funny he can pay up just before we're in court yet couldn't let me know he'd paid but could sent a fax to the court clerk at 5pm on a Friday, if the clerk hadn't rang me I would not even have thought to check my bank because he never frigging pays it.
I rang the CWO and told her I just received three weeks maintenance. She said she is not going to keep chopping and changing the rent, she said she will wait and see what the court sorts out so just to carry on as I am for now.
10th September
I'm worried about my eldest, he's withdrawn, sullen, and angry, he's not eaten his meals for a week now. I rang the Psych place and talked to Dr Creane about him, he advised “just be there for him” I asked him if he was joking, I'm here 23 hours a bloody day, he told me he had to see a client and the phone went down. Are they taking the piss or what.
We've had no Broadband since we moved here and I've been on the phone to Eircom every single day about it and heard more bullshit than I care to remember. It at last is on today and I ran down the hall to tell my eldest, he was lying in bed when I told him it was now connected, I never seen him move so quickly. The poor soul must have been simply bored out of his mind and that's why he was probably in such a bad mood. Why not just tell me tho. I cannot read minds.
12th September
K a new girl met us at the train station to escort us to the court. No sign of the ex and I knew he worked in this area on Wednesday's. The clerk told me he'd rang the ex to ask him if he was disputing my application for an Attachment of Earnings and he told him no. He said a summons was sent but they did not get the form back from him, I asked why was he not arrested because he's in contempt of court and I cannot keep living like this. The clerk didn't answer, he just told me to go ahead now I'm here with this new application. This is a complete joke. I told the clerk, the ex will probably pack his job in now, The clerk said it wouldn't surprise him at all. Why do women have to go thru all this when they are the ones left alone coping with children, it's a disgrace.
I saw the Judge on my own, a lovely man, he gave me the Attachment of Earnings and I told him I really need the arrears because we're in dire straights re school expenses alone and about all the mind games the ex is playing. I told him it's just being done as punishment for me leaving him but the kids should not be suffering because of it. The judge agreed, he told me to get the clerk to fill in another summons form and get it sent to the ex today. When I told the clerk what the judge said he told me that's highly unusual, I said I'm not making it up and he can go and ask the judge himself if he wants to. The clerk said, no, no and got me the form to fill in and said he would post it off tonight.
We got on the wrong train coming back, we could have ended up in bloody Dublin if K hadn't noticed. The sweat was lashing off me. We could never have afforded the fare back.
Reply re my begging for help letter from Marise Monaghan Senior Clinical Psychologist
"Thank you for you recent correspondence. I was on leave until the 3rd September hence the delay in responding. I understand that eldest has now received a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome from Dr Don McDwyer and is availing of input from Dr Creane and staff in the Child and Family Mental Health Services. If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact me. Yours sincerely"
"is availing of input from Dr Creane and staff in the Child and Family Mental Health Services"
Crock of shit. Apart from an initial assessment by Dr Creane my son did not avail of any "input" nor did he see, meet or speak to any "staff" nor did he receive any communication from anyone in "Child and Family Mental Health Services" But after all they are all professionals and what they write down on paper and so their records which is recorded for ever more, will look good that they are seen to be doing something when in reality, in the real world, it is blatant made up lies.
13th September
Eldest had only just started speaking to me and eating my meals again when I fucked up big time yet again, well done this woman. It was time for his exam results, they could be checked online or collected from school or posted, my eldest opted for post but me being the nosy hag I am could not wait so I checked on- line and woke him up. That was when I got the first tongue lashing from him, there was me so happy and proud of him and straight away he popped my bubble but instead of retreating and waiting which is what I should have done and what my instincts were roaring at me to do, I carried on by telling him his results were on-line and guess what, YOU PASSED. I got a real roasting from him, all that I was a failure as, that I had no right to look them up, which was absolutely correct in hindsight but hurt me all the same, I can’t do bloody right for doing wrong. He's back to ignoring me again and not replying when I speak to him. Will I never, ever learn? I was hoping they would put a smile on his face and want him to get back into furthering his education and get a career. It's still remarkable after all this time with no schooling and very little studying for him to have passed. He should be very proud of himself.
14th September
No maintenance again, I'm pig sick about this. eldest refused to go to the Child Psychiatrist with me. He said “I loath that man and if anyone arrives at the door to force me then you and they will be very sorry, it will be you're last regret” I rang Dr Creane, he said “just be supportive” I felt like telling him to go fuck himself, they just do not care and nothing has changed and no one is doing a thing about the overdose he took, about his Autism or his horrible vile temper and violence. I'm going to do a runner if this doesn't get sorted. Who do they think I am, a bleeding robot.
Anne Koash from Autism Services and my friend rang me and all I did was cry and for someone who does not like crying I seem to be doing an awful lot of it these days. Crying is supposed to be healing but I end up looking like a puffy fish. Anne told me they can do nothing until eldest has been told by the Psych Services that he has Aspergers, eldest will not go. Friend said what I'm being told is nonsense, they could send eldest a letter about it, short and simple, then they will all have to step in and get supports in place. I said I'm about to go mad and scream about this.
I was awake till after 3am, non stop crying, I just don't know what to do to get us out of this hole we were shoved in.
17th September
A Dr rang me from Dom Care Allowance, she read the letter about eldest being unable to attend the GP for a medical and wanted to talk it over with me. She asked me a lot of questions and I answered them. She asked if she could she give me some advise and to not be offended, I said yes. She told me “you have gone over and above the call of duty and you need to try and get yourself a life outside of the house alone for at least two days a week because I'm very worried about you and I couldn't live as you have to and I doubt that anyone else could either and you need to badger all professionals for support and help because if they think they can get away with not providing it then they will do so” I was shocked about that. I told her I agree that eldest has Aspergers now but I'm still convinced that if he had got help re all he went thru with his dad then he would be somewhat okay because he was still in school up until April last year. The Doctor said “I agree with you but I'm only a Doctor and the reports are sent in by Psychiatrists so what do I know” She said “you're entitled to this care allowance and I will try and push it thru for you quickly due to your financial constraints”
Email from B.M the solicitor, the buyer for the house wants to know, where the Septic tank is? She wants to know about an over hanging tree? She wants to know when the extension was put on? She wants to know about the lane? is it private or public? how the fuck should I know.
I rang the ex, it killed me to do so, he actually answered and I read out the email from the solicitor and asked if he could answer these questions. The phone went dead. I rang him right back and asked why he cut me off, he said he had to go inside. He told me he had dealt with all these questions at his own solicitors on Saturday, he's a liar as no solicitor in Ireland is open on a Saturday, if this did happen why are the two solicitors not emailing one another. All probably more bullshit. I said, are you not even going to ask about your children then, he replied “I don't know where they are” I asked “how does this stop you from asking about them” he said “I offered to take youngest to the hospital when he broke his wrists” I did not even bother reminding him he said it by text but then switched his damn phone off, or that he knew well enough we had NOTHING when we were at the cottage when he refused to get us food and coal and he was only down the road from us. I said “you have their email addresses” his response to that was, “well they could have changed them because they've not replied to any of my emails to them” I said “what are you talking about, they tell me if you contact them and youngest has only ever had 3 emails from you in 2 years and not one of them was a Happy Birthday or a Happy Xmas” he then told me “I don't have access to the internet at present” Now I know for a fact as if I needed any proof at all when it comes to him that he's a liar, a computer engineer with no internet access, it would be like him losing an arm. What a frigging ugly lying toad he is. He's a weak, pathetic, cruel and evil man with not an ounce of emotion for anyone but himself, we are so lucky to be shot of him.
M rang me, she said she got me an interview with the carers association, it will just be work experience to start with then training then hopefully a job, it will mean I cannot do the PLC course but having an income regularly will give the boys security so needs must whilst the devil drives. The interview went well but I will not know till next week if I was successful. There were 10 other people there for it too.
19th September
Went up to the Psych place to see their nurse. I told her services need to start with eldest before I crack up, she said she will talk to Autism Services and tell them to just go ahead as eldest will not go up to their Psych's. I asked her about the Youth Mental Health Services appointment I was told eldest would be referred to at our first meeting with Dr Creane, she said she will find out for me and let me know.
Me and youngest went into town to go to the library and walked right into my old friend T and her daughter. I couldn't believe it, to see a face I know and love was amazing. We gave each other the biggest hug, she came into Tesco with me, she said she now lived here and was at college doing a degree course. I told her I only lived across the road from the college. She told me she was very upset with me for a long time because she'd asked the ex for my new phone number when I was in London and the ex told her that he couldn't give it to her because I'd accused them of having an affair, that I had accused them of always texting one another. I was stunned, I said to her “but you like them young” as she always went for younger men. She laughed at that, she said “you know me well mam” I reminded her when I left, I gave my eldest her address and number for emergency reasons. She had forgotten about that but said she remembered the ex asking her to mind eldest for him on many occasions but eldest never once ever turned up at her house. She told me “I should have known better as that wan was the ugliest yoke I'd ever come across” and “I had no clue what you, a stunning woman was doing with him in the first place” I got so angry as to what she told me next, she said the last time she saw the ex he was happy as a lark and told her he was now her neighbour and lived in an flat in the village she used to live in. I asked her when this was, she said ages ago, around spring last year, I wanted to throttle him, all the times my eldest said his father was moving stuff out of the cottage and the Garda believed him when he said he was only out of the house to do food shopping and he told them he'd not abandoned my eldest, the freak, the abuser, the liar, the mental fukwit. T said he showed her friend around the flat because her friend was moving into it when he moved out.
T has a car now and was driving us home, I told her how we were living financially and she got straight on her phone to a TD who told her he would be out to see me at 6.30pm the same night. T definitely gets things done and done fast. I have missed her so much, she is a breathe of fresh air. She said she was taking me to the sea and it was so beautiful. I love the sea. We had a chat whilst youngest and her child ran about the place, freedom is such a wonderful thing. I showed her round the house when we got back and she could not get over the size of it. It was great to see her.
A TD called Martin came round to house and took all my details, he said he would be in touch and would contact Autism Services.
21st September
I got demand letters from Eircom and ESB for €300 and my income for the three of us is €119 per week, how the frig can I pay anything and still no maintenance has been received. Give me a frigging break Lord.
25th September
I am bout to blow my stack to kingdom come. I've had no one contact me about my eldest at all. Not about his overdose, not from youth mental health, not from the psych place, not from the Autism people and I have no money and no maintenance and had to ring the court clerk to ask what the hell have I got to do to get that bastard to pay up, I did not make these boys on my own, the clerk told me he's rang his workplace accountant and asked them to get the Attachment of Earnings started and he couldn't do any more about it. I said you can because it's the law, he told me to give it time, I am so mad.
M came out from Social Services, she said she will contact Dom Care Allowance and tell them we are in real financial crisis here and see if that gets them moving. T came out and met M then T took me into town and lent me €20, god bless her.
I sent an email to the Irish Independent re the farce of a court system for single parents, we are not single parents, these kids all have a frigging dads walking about doing fuck all for their own kids. I sent N a copy.
Letter from B.M the solicitor, more problems re the sale of cottage. The solicitor we used to buy the cottage told B.M more issues have arisen and he cannot get our names registered on the property for Christ knows what reason, I sent an email to the ex demanding answers. We need that house sold.
None of these matter arose when we bought the place for €87,500 in cash.
28th September
T took me to MABS to speak to a lady re my arrears of bills, she rang both Eircom and ESB for me and told them the situation, they will accept weekly payments till I get straight financially. T took me to lunch, she is as mad as a brush and just what I need, I am so thankful to have met up with her again.
1st October
Letter from HSE Speech and Language Therapy arrived offering eldest an appointment, are they fucking crazy. I rang them and cancelled it, telling them my eldest was talking at an early age and has a huge IQ so what are they playing at and also he does not leave the bloody house. The woman said it's a standard letter, I was speechless, imagine the cost of all those useless letters being sent out willy nilly, it's crazy.
I rang the Nurse at the psych place to see if the psychiatrist was back from his holidays and if he wasn't, who was standing in for him because my eldest was retreating more and more and rarely came out of his bedroom, he only comes out of his room to go to the fridge and rummage for snacks but apart from that he keeps to himself. The nurse told me “no, no one is here” I said “there must be someone filling in” I get told again “no” I said “what about my son then, is he invisible again” she told me “do not shoot the messenger” I said “okay but I'm worried sick because it's been two months since my eldests diagnosis and nothing, absolutely nothing has happened to help him” I decided I'm not taking and hearing any more crap out of any of them, I demanded a copy of my eldests report which I'm still waiting on, I asked “why are the Psych's not knocking on my door, why is no one doing anything for and about my son” she said “you are linked in with Autism Services” I said “no we're not because they will not come to house until my eldest has been officially told by you lot, and he will not leave the house and he will not come and see you lot” I told her “I'm going to my TD about this because I'm sick of doing this alone, my son has a problem which you all know about it but are doing absolutely nothing, I'm sick of you all saying your hands are tied because my eldest is not willing to engage” I asked her “do you all think I'm a bloody octopus with many arms and hands because I'm not. I'm on my own here” She asked again “why are you shooting the messenger” I asked her “what do you mean because you've given me no message at all” she said “well, when you told him he had Aspergers, he didn't listen to you did he” I said “I'm his mother not a psychiatrist, I tell him to turn the lights out at night, I tell him to get to bed, I tell him his meals are ready, how the hell can I officially tell him he has Aspergers, it's not going to make the professionals come in by me telling him, they all said he has to be told by you lot up there and I've rang and spoken to you three times now and I was last told by you that you would get in touch with the Youth Mental Health team too and nothing have I heard from any of you and I did not diagnose my eldest with Aspergers, you lot did and it's the law that my kid is given supports and help so where is it. All that needs to be done is a letter sent to me or to him telling him his diagnosis or a Psych knocks at my door to tell him, it's as simple as that, at least then if he refuses to have anything to do with anyone I know I've at least have tried everything in my power to get him what he needs and deserves” She was not amused, she said “I will pass the message on” But who too because there is no bugger there or so she told me. FFS.
I rang my friend and told her what just happened on the phone, she said not to worry because it might make them get moving.
Anne Koash of Autism Services rang me, she said “I will be at house on Thursday to tell your eldest about his diagnosis and I'm sorry all this has been so stressful for you” Thank god someone is now listening.
I rang the court clerk. I'm staying on top of them all till they get sick of me, no more Mrs nice woman here. I asked the clerk “have you got any money for me” he said “no” I asked him “so what are you going to do about it then because I was in court and the judge gave me an attachment of earnings and that has obviously not worked for us either” The clerk asked me for my contact details and the ex's contact numbers and told me he would ring me back. I sat by the phone for 2 hours, no call back, fuck the lot of them.
An answer phone message was left at 5pm from the court clerk “I spoke to your ex there and told him the arrears are mounting up and he said he'll pay directly into your bank account, probably tomorrow, I hope that happens for you” Some frigging country this is, they cannot even follow the law of the land and that's the court system itself, never mind all these dead beat dads getting away with this. The law states that “ten days after getting an attachment of earnings any maintenance due will be paid” on a specific day and taken out of his wages and it's not happened, I want to know why not.
Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm so tired and drained, all my fighting spirit is now depleted. I went to bed at 9pm. I could not get comfortable. I was scratching my left leg when I realised I could not feel a thing, it felt like I'd been given an epidural in my left leg. I rang casualty, they told me to get up to them fast. My youngest came with me. I nearly died when a doctor put on rubber gloves and said he had to inspect my back passage, I told him he can inspect whatever passage he liked but no way was he venturing near any passage of mine and the nurse attending cracked up laughing and I shot out of the bed like an Olympic winner. The doctor said if my back passage was numb too then he would know if my spine was affected, I still said no, he told me I needed an MRI scan, then said it could be an inflamed sciatic nerve or arthritis of the spine because he heard my knees crack badly when I tried to get up on the bed so said he knew I had arthritis. I didn't get home till 1am. My eldest was in living room watching TV when we got back. He was in bed when I told him I had to get to the hospital so I thought he must care a bit about me after all to be up now. I had a chat with him and said I believe the stress of everything was getting to me, it always comes out in my body because I have no one to explode at or off load to and I need to take a chill pill because this was getting far too much for me. I asked him if he did every course re education I put in front of him, I would quit moaning about him being at home 24 hours a day ever day of the week. He said I don't believe you. I said just wait and see. He said okay.
2th October
Phone call from Dr Creane, none of his usual laid back, friendly chit chat, he sounded stern and informed me “I've made an appointment for you to see both me and Consultant Don Mc Dwyer on Friday at 11.20am” he asked “is this suitable for you. Oh yes I said I will be there.
I realise completely that the Nurse is the very person behind this and by his tone I believe they think they will give me, an adult, a good ticking off for having the temerity and gumption to talk to any of their staff the way I did, well fuck them, not all “public” are meek and mild and can be walked over and allow Jack shit to happen. I would not be in the least bit concerned if this was about me not getting services, it's about my son and he will not and never will be swept under anyone's carpet, so fuck them and their bruised ego's. The law states he's to have services and supports, not promises and words, this is his life which he tried to end and that lot are doing nothing at all.
I rang Social Services to ask if someone can go to this meeting at the Psyche’s with me, I got told “no, it's too late to set up” but a woman advised me to “ring them back and tell them you feel fearful about it” there is not a chance in hell of me doing that. I was asked “do you want me to ring on your behalf” I said no thank you.
I rang N and asked if she knew anyone who could go to this big meeting with me, she said “it's an advocate you need and I will call someone but don't know if they cover your area” I said “I will try anyone as long as I'm not on my own” She said she will let me know and told me to stay strong.
My friend rang me and said she was at a meeting last night and thought about me, she was talking to a parent who's child started secondary school who left after 2 days and refused to leave the house for 6 years but is now at college and doing great. I gulped, I told her “no way can I do this another week never mind all those years” She said she knows.
T popped over to me when she finished college, she took one look at my face and said right mam you're getting out of here and coming over to my place, I asked eldest if he wanted to come too and he said no, youngest came with me, she made us a lovely dinner and we had a good chat and she dropped us back to the house at 6pm. I love that girl
I did not get the Carers Association job, I'm gutted.
The Psych report came in the post, it was full of more holes than a packet of polo mints, they had written down that I got married at age 16, bloody nonsense, all that was told to that Dr Creane, that stupid man, came out of my own mouth so how in God's name could he still get it so wrong.
4th October
Rang the court again, the head court clerk answered, he said “some girl from the ex's work place does not seem to know what she's doing but I've giving her one more week to comply with the court order and set up a direct debit to be sent into the court because the man has got away with this for far too long now” I quoted the law as I knew it to him, “it says 10 days for them to comply from when I got the order from the judge and paid directly to me, the spouse, the mother of the kids” The clerk said “we will get the direct debit set up and request the arrears by cheque” I asked him “how do you know what the arrears are when you've not asked me” he said the other clerk will know that” “how” I asked “only I know and no one at your office is asking me the recipient” He said “it's not the courts fault so lets get the Attachment of Earnings sorted out first” Mother of god. I believe pigs will fly before this happens. Off course it's the courts fault, how many times does the man have to be in contempt of court before they will do anything, he did not even turn up for a summons and I heard nothing about the other summons that was sent and now this crap, it's yet another fight I do not need but I do need that money desperately. Anyone in this country who does not pay for their TV Licence is taken to court immediately so why the hell not fathers who will not pay for their own flesh and bloods upkeep when it's court ordered is beyond me.
Autism Services M and Anne Koash came to the house, eldest refused to get up and I went mad at him. I was yelling at him “you have to meet me half way” I yelled “all you have to do is let them give you the diagnosis then you can go back to your room and I've promised I will do no more moaning about you not leaving the house if you meet with them, all you have to do is listen to them then you can leave or I will wash my hands off you because you're acting like a toddler and all you do these days is ignore me or pretend to be asleep” Five minutes before they arrived I heard his music go up loud which told me he was up.
They arrived at 2pm. I told them both I had a shouting match with him because he was refusing to get up. I went down the hall to get him, he had the major hump with me but I was adamant that he got this over and done with so we can get the professional services and supports he needs and I and youngest are likely to need. He would not come into the room we were in at all, he just stood behind the very slightly open door, Anne Koash started talking, she asked him “can I have two minutes of your time” my eldest said “just get on with it” I was mortified at his rudeness. I told him “never talk to anyone like that” he said “I didn't get to bed till 7am this morning and you have been threatening me” I told him “I've already told Anne and M that I was yelling at you” Anne talked again and instead of just telling him you have Apergers, one frigging sentence, she said “you know how worried your mum is about you never leaving the house” I groaned audibly, here we go again I thought, lay the whole onus of your visit squarely on my shoulders, he's in a bad enough mood with me and will go ballistic when they've gone, he interrupted the woman talking, he knew why they were there, to tell him what his diagnosis was and offer him music lessons, that’s all he was going to allow them to say. He said “fast forward or I am off” I was furious with them. I'd already told my eldest I was quitting moaning about him being at home all the time, so now he'll think I've been lying thru my teeth. Anne repeated again “you know how worried your mum is about you not leaving the house” my eldest said “goodbye” and he went back to his room. I was ready for exploding, all they had to do was tell him he's been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, nothing else and they couldn't even do that. Anne said “No way is he ready and no way can we offer him music lessons with that attitude, it would not be fair on the others who attend” and they got ready to leave. I said “why did you say what you did, why did you not just tell him, he was told by me why you were coming to the house so why did you say twice that mum is worried about him not leaving the house” M who is very nice said “we will try another time” I said “you have just messed up big time, I cannot believe you just did that and now I'm left with the bloody consequences” I got told by them both the same old story, “get out and make a life for yourself, he's old enough to be left while you do” I felt like shouting Oh I should just be like the dad then. But I am not, I'm his mother, he's my son and I'm worried sick at how he's having to live now, here in the present, never mind his future, and what about youngest, how can I leave them alone in the house together when eldest is so bloody volatile.
No 1: Why did they not just do what they told me they would do, they asked me before hand what did I want. I wanted him to get the diagnosis from someone because without him getting it officially I was told that no one could do anything for him. To my simple mind it was easy, tell him this is what you have, you may not want it or like it but we are here to help and offer any service that you think or feel you may need.
No 2: Why did she twice say “you know how your mum is worried about you?”Jesus, this would be obvious to a blind person so why state the bleeding obvious, she was not there to act as my champion.
No 3: This woman is supposed to be a Autism professional and to hear her say “with that attitude” flummoxed me, what did she expect him to be like, sitting waiting with tea, biscuits and polite conversation, she was very lucky that she did not get the barrage of verbal abuse that I have to put up with when he kicks off. I would love to see where she visits that has children with autism with attitudes she's happy with. She also said "he's old enough to be left alone, go out and make a life for yourself" that’s what I want and need but to me it's impossible at present, he's my son, I saw him on the floor after taking an overdose, he threatened to do it again, try living with those words ringing in your ears. This is my nightmare.
I asked them “is there anyone available to attend the meeting with the Psych's with me tomorrow because I'm worried sick about it” I got told “no, we cannot help, we wouldn't be allowed into the meeting” All I could think of was, girl, you're on your own again. What a bloody shambles. I was handed a DVD about Aspergers. I got told “there's only one copy and we need it back” but I could not play the damn thing because the bastard ex who was ordered in court to give us back the family computer had removed the DVD drive and the sound card. I've never needed to play anything until now. He's a wicked bastard and they are all fucking inept and useless.
(I found out later why Autism Services were so dire and dismissive thru a letter Anne Koash wrote which I received under the freedom of Information Act and I quote this paragraph from that letter. “We offered support at a music club. Unfortunately due to current staff shortages I have not assigned an Autism therapist to this family: therefore I will maintain contact with the family”) What she wrote on record was crap, my eldest was offered NO music lessons, they offered him nothing, the lying bastards. How could they get away with this being recorded on a file, just to look good for them I suppose and she had no contact with my family after that either. God I hate liars.
I posted my dilemma about this Psych meeting I'd been summoned to on a parenting site and got many replies including the number of an Autism Advocacy Service and was advised to call them immediately which I did do. I spoke to a man called Kevin, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about, he asked me a lot of questions, he asked me why has the meeting been called, I told him I'd no idea except I was going mental about the Psych's and told him what I said to the nurse and how we've just been left after eldest took an overdose and what the hospital duty psych made me write and sign and my son has been stuck in the house for over a year now and been offered no help, no services and no supports. He told me the first thing to do was reschedule the appointment and he gave me dates he could attend with me and told me to call them and give them the dates he'd be free for. I didn't even know I had any choice to change dates. I felt the weight coming off my shoulders. I rang the psych place and got called by my first name but as soon as I said I wanted to reschedule and would be bringing an advocate I got called Mrs, how strange. She said she would ask Consultant Mc Dwyer if he could meet us on 15th or 16th Oct and let me know what date to go.
My youngest scored 100% in his school test. Fantastic.
I feel completely drained. What a nightmare. I was mulling over the cock up of Anne Koash, I'm writing a complaint about her, I cannot believe she said “with that attitude” did she think he would have been awaiting her with tea and biscuits and polite conversation. I would like to know what kids she sees with Autism who have an attitude she likes, the cheeky bitch, how dare she cherry pick. What is it with all this crap upon crap, I must have been a real bad bitch in a previous life cause I sure am suffering for it in this one.
Eldest has not talked to me for three days now, it seems because I love him and want help for him and I'm knocking on every damn door I can to find that help, I've become public and personal enemy No: 1. So I carry on cooking his meals to suit his timetable depending when he's awake but he “punishes me” by not eating whatever I've made. Okay I know I'm shit cook, my talents lie elsewhere (well they will when I can find them) I can put the oven on and forget about it in nano seconds until I smell something familiar, like burning, I had a super dooper microwave that was also an oven and a grill and that was perfect for the likes of me as when it pinged, whatever was in it was ready and nothing cremated in sight or smell. He makes me mad as hell but what can I do, you cannot force someone to eat even if they are starving hungry, it’s a control thing, a, you have pissed me off thing, now I'm going to do the same to you, no amount of cajoling will work so I always have to step back and let him come round on his own, he will eventually seek me out and ask “ do you know” and proceed to tell me facts, figures and counter arguments of statistics and such like but I have zero patience for anything that does not interest me and I can appear to listen but be elsewhere in my head and when he notices as he always does I get the “I'm trying to educate you here” I always try to laugh in sarcastic tone, not quite mastered it as my laugh is deep down and filthy, (can stop traffic and crying babies) he makes me mad because he acts so damn superior, he kind of looks down on me, he knows he has a more intellectual brain than I but he's dependent on me for everything, the day to day practical stuff, it can at times make me feel like I'm his personal slave, that’s mum’s everywhere but I feel on a very tight chain that gets yanked periodically. By day 3 and him still not eating anything I cooked, I rang the psychiatrist and asked for advice and got told “just be there for him” gee, thanks, why did I not think of that then!! TWATS, I am here 23 hours per bloody day for him, without a break, a work life, a social life or a sex life. Another professional told me to “get yourself an outside life” ta very much I thought, and then asked “how do I get myself one of them then. The reply was: Silence. I am becoming very bolshy now.
I made dinner, a roast, my eldests favourite but he told me to “fuck off” when I told him dinner was ready, he's in a bad mood again and I'm not able for him, I'm suffering myself. I went to bed at 11pm but couldn't sleep, I was awake 4 times in the night tossing and turning.
5th October
A woman rang me, she gave me a mental health number in case I need it and said that it's ridiculous all that is going on with us.
T is coming to stay the night. I'm looking forward to having adult company and a great laugh.
Someone called from A's phone inviting youngest to another weekend away with the school. I tried to get him to go for a break away from us but he said no he didn't want to go as they had no swimming, what a strange reason.
6th October
I cannot sleep again. eldest was up at 4am getting cereal because he's not eating the meals I make him.
I told youngest I had to get out of house so we walked into town. I checked my bank account and was so shocked to see there was €560 in it, it had been put in on Wednesday (and I hadn't a cent left and could have done with knowing it was there) I don't know if it's the arrears or Attachment of Earnings as I've heard nothing from the court. I could have whooped in the street with delight. I got youngest a new sim for his phone and credit and gave him €30 then we went to café then the book shop and the Angel shop, oh my god the difference in a persons mood just by having some money is incredible. I got eldest a gaming magazine and juice and sweets and ordered a Chinese for us and went home after picking up herbal tea bags for insomnia because I'm shattered after a week of little sleep.
4th November
Decided I'm not sitting in the house all day worrying about eldest who's asleep all day anyway, I signed myself up at my youngests school to do a PLC course, I'm a bit nervous because I'm joining seven weeks after everyone else started in Social Studies. I have a brain and I want to use it and improve it. They want €100 and 2 passport photo's. I'm loving it but it has been a bit of a struggle catching up and meeting all these new people and juggling kids, house and assignments, it's a large class, 30 in it.
I got Dom care allowance and put €500 on the 3V card for my eldest and bought my youngest a laptop, I was gutted when we got home because the laptop was just a heap of plastic, no settings on it whatsoever, we had to go back to the shop the next day with it, three miserable hours we spent in that shop, I should have lost my rag but I didn't because the poor young lad who sold it to us the previous night was so nice. I ended up getting myself one too. Eldest later got the hump with youngest and threw a hissy fit. Youngest told him to get back in his cave and eldest erupted and threw a glass of orange juice over youngest and his brand new laptop. I was absolutely furious and told him he was having no internet the rest of the night and I meant it and I stuck to it. How dare he keep acting like a small child.
Rang the court, they knew nothing about the maintenance payment, so no attachment of earnings has yet been set up. The clerk said he would send a letter to the ex's work place. I am sick of listening to their crap.
Took T to town and bought her a new phone, she took me to the seaside to meet her work mate and pal. It was so peaceful looking out to sea. I started getting non stop texts from my youngest saying, where are you, when are you coming back, I am bored, followed by, I've set the house alarm off by accident, it was no accident as he had to be playing with it at the front door to set it off. I rang him and the sound was horrendous. I rang the lettings agency and asked for the deactivate number for the alarm, they didn't know. T drove me back and got onto the service number that was on a sticker on the alarm, she sweet talked some bloke into giving her the number. I I could have strangled my youngest for doing this. My eldest who had been asleep was now awake and moaning. T asked how I can put up with the pair of them and at their age too. I told her I love them, they're my sons, she said you will wake up one day and see how they treat you, I said I know but I have no choice, they have no one else.
Had my first assignment in college, I had to make a poster on a given subject of our choosing and I chose Domestic Violence, then I had to give a five minute speech in front of the class and it was filmed. I was so nervous I came out in a rash. It did not help that I was the last one up so I had to sit for two hours listening to everyone else first. I did it with my knees knocking together and looking over my class mates heads. I gave them a laugh by lifting up my long skirt and showing them my Celtic knee high socks. I forgot to bring my cue cards but just got on with it, the girls who have become like daughters to me said I sounded like a teacher taking a class, I don’t know if that was good or bad! The tutor said I was flying and sounded very clear. I was just glad it was over.
I went to the sea weed baths with T. It was so funny, we did not realise it was in a proper bath and we had no spare knickers with us. T drove so slow coming back in case we had an accident, we could imagine the emergency services wondering why these two woman were out and about in a car with no knickers on and a strong smell of sea weed. All me and T do is laugh.
7th November
I met Kevin in town, he's the Advocate for Irish Autism Action, we went to a café and he asked me to again fill him in. I did, and said I believe I'd been summoned for a telling off because I have no explanation why or what the meeting was about. I just think I've just pissed them off by demanding a copy of their report and everything I said to the nurse about me going public. He told me to leave the talking to him. I will be glad to do so.
Meeting with the two Psychiatrists. Into the meeting we went and after Kevin introduced himself, he asked the two psychs “why was the meeting called” and to my utter amazement I heard these words "well Mrs asked for this meeting” and I knew then I would never trust another one of them the rest of my life, this was total nonsense and lies and I told them that. It was then arranged that the Advocate would try to arrange a further meeting with them for the sole benefit of my son, his wants and needs, services and supports and added professional support for me. Smiles all round. I no longer trust a bloody word they say.
8th November
M was at the house, she told me she'd put my eldests name down for home education thru “Not School” they will provide a Mac computer and all course work would be done on line and it would be marked by a tutor. It sounded too good to be true and I cannot wait for my eldest to have something to do and something to focus on.
I saw a letter from Consultant Don McDyer to Anne Koash (Autism Services woman who said “with that attitude” about eldest) The letter was a crock of shit only seen by me thru the Freedom of Info Act. The letter stated that my eldest had not left the house in 6 weeks. The truth is he had not left any house except for emergency purposes for 19 months. He wrote “eldest did not want any labels applied” Bullshit, the only person who did not want “to label children” was Marise Monaghan the Child Psychologist. “Offered ongoing support to Mrs” lying bullshit, anytime I rang them during a crisis which was frequent, they were never in their department or I would be told they would call me but but they did not. I was banging my head off a brick wall trying to get support. Writing bullshit down on record to cover your agencies ass is a poor reflection on all professionals involved and I will never accept lies as long as I live. No wonder I'm a freaking battle axe now.
9th November
Phone call from the psych place asking me who the family doctor is even tho they have all details from our visits to them.
Had to go to my own doctor because despite being exhausted I still cannot sleep, she took blood tests but thinks “it's a tremendous amount of stress”
Poor youngest is really ill, non stop vomiting. It's a bug said the Doctor.
5th December
Parent/Teacher meeting at youngests school. All said he's fantastic and an asset to the school, his grades are brilliant but he had a book launched at his face by another pupil and has a cut under his eye and it's now black and blue. The school told me it was an accident. I was fit for murder. I went straight to the Garda about it, accident my arse.
7th December
I ended up at hospital because I was screaming in agony with my ankle, wrists and thumb, I couldn't hold a pen and I need to be able to for college. They took x-rays and told me it's Osteo Arthritis and nothing can be done except taking pain killers which no longer work and I cannot take strong medication because they wreck my head and make me feel ill.
10th December
I was walking into my tutors class when the Principal came to get me, he told me my youngest had been tripped up on purpose by a 16 year old in the hallway because “He's in a bad mood because no one turned up for his birthday party so he had to take it out on someone” and youngest was that someone and was in a very distressed state. I started roaring at the Principal that this is the second time my son has been picked on and I've been to the Garda once without youngest knowing but now I will make sure the Garda get up to this school. He told me “don't act hasty” I was roaring like a bull, PLC students were staring at me, the school kids were staring at me but I didn't give a fuck. I was told it happened 40 minutes ago which made me worse because I was in the same building. My youngest was in agony and crying his eyes out, he told me they just put him in the staff room and no one checked him out. I took youngest to the hospital then got on the phone to M, the education woman and was going nuts and saying I want it investigated because it's the second time my son has been hurt in that school.
The staff at the hospital were wonderful, a polish female doctor told youngest she would fill a syringe with potassium for him to inject in the idiots vein, the male nurse told youngest to whack the idiot over the head with a crutch and render him unconscious. They were just trying to make him laugh because he was so upset. Nothing was broken but his knee ligaments are ruptured. I am going to scream the place down at that school. He is on crutches, painkillers and has a sick note for the week.
I took youngest home then marched over to the school like Storming Norman and got the Principal in his office and give it to him with both barrels blazing. He didn't even stand up, he just kept apologising. He could have had me thrown out with the roars and the language out of me, I think he was scared, I scared myself with my fury, I'm rarely like this but fuck with my kids and this is what anyone can expect. I normally deal with every one with my extensive vocabulary not ever with a temper. I reminded the idiot Principal this meant my son would miss his exams and miss the school trip and I wanted to know what he was doing about the 16 year old with a long fecking beard who decided and admitted to attacking my son for no reason. He said he would deal with it, I reminded him if he did not then I will. For fuck sake I was in full time employment at age 16.
I took my youngest to the Garda Station and he made a statement to a Garda J. C. It's assault and I don't care if it was on school premises, assault is assault. The Garda said he would look into it.
Youngest insisted on going into school the very next day to sit his exams, I went into the school office, it was full of staff and I just pointed at the Principal and said “If anything else happens to my son in this school and in your care I will not be held responsible for my actions” Not a word came out of them but the secretary asked me “how is he” the only bloody one who did ask. When I left the office the hallway was full of kids who all were deathly quiet and moved when I walked past them. God I was fuming with rage. Icing on the cake, no fucking maintenance.
13th December
Hospital for me to get a mammogram, I had a great laugh with the nurse looking after me. She saw me with a tissue in my hand and thought I was crying, I had to tell her I was only blotting the lipstick I'd just put on my lips.
I went over to the school after youngest told me that the pupil whose actions caused him to be on crutches is still walking around the school. I got told by the Principal that he will be suspended in January. It's times like this I wish I had someone to share the load with.
Eldest had chest pains. I had to call the hospital and explain we would need a side room away from everyone else, they were very good about it, they let him have a room on his own. He was put on a heart monitor and x rays were done, they were all clear, thank god. The doctor wanted to take blood from him, eldest was adamant that was not happening. The Doctor was confused as to why not. I had to take the doctor out and explain about his Autism. I offered to get blood taken myself to show eldest it wouldn't hurt, he was having none of it, he wanted to leave. The Dr told me to just keep eye on him. We had a nice walk back to house and chatted about everything under the sun or moon in our case, he explained a bit to me how he felt “anxious all the time, panic attacks at the thought of going out” I said “but you're fine now being outside” he said “you never fucking listen to me” I have a lot to learn about this condition.
22nd December
More ex mind games, I checked my bank account and €200 had been put in by him, it was not there on Friday so I'm assuming it's for my sons Xmas and he didn't let me know or send them any Happy Xmas message at all. I gave my sons the money, eldest wanted his put on his 3V card, youngest wanted the cash to buy Xmas presents. They both said “we don't care about him at all, he's no longer our dad, he doesn't deserve the title, you're both mum and dad to us” that made me smile, but made me sad too.
T and her daughter came to spend Xmas Eve with us, she was going out to her own family Xmas afternoon, it was lovely to have a child here all excited about Xmas and lovely for me to have T's company. I got eldest and youngest up at 7.30am so they could open their presents before the child got up even though my sons know T very well. Eldest didn't want to be in anyone's company and he was still sleeping very badly and no one was prepared to help him with medication after what he did the last time, god love him.
"When is dinner" my eldest asked, it was only 7am, I told him I will walk over hot coals for you but no way am I making Xmas dinner at 8am so I got him breakfast and he took his presents down to his bedroom.
We had a lovely day. My sons were pleased with all I got for them, they asked how I managed it. Eldest started talking about the other Xmas with dad, I told him “we've moved on from all that abuse, you didn't deserve it and neither did I but we're away from it now so we have to make our own and better memories” My sons are good lads, they cause no one outside of the house any bother at all. If anyone even looks at them the wrong way from here on in they will suffer my wrath, they deserve the best and I will do my damnedest to get the best for them.
26th December
It's boxing day. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone past. It's been tough and lonely and hard work but we're all fine. We still have a long road to go, getting permanent housing, getting help, services and supports to help my eldest and making sure my youngest stays the sweet, loving, funny, happy lad that he is. Getting my education and finding a job and a good future for us all. Yet again no Happy Xmas from the ex or his family, I don't know how they can live with themselves or sleep at night. I feel different, stronger. I've gone from being in control of nothing in my life re marriage, not even my own bank account to facing every parents nightmare totally alone with no support, back-up or sounding board and I made it through, my family made it through and on we shall go.
I made a list of all I want to achieve this year and I plan to get it all too. I am looking forward. I have goals of my own, happy sons, a house of our own, driving lessons, a holiday, a degree course.
I totally forgot my friend T had gone to court with me, she said “I want to come and will box the head of the filthy yoke if he comes near you” she would have done too. He had applied for "access and a reduction of the maintenance he's not paying. You have got to laugh at the sheer brass neck he has.
It was five hours before we got seen in court. He had the cheek to walk right up to me and ask “are you agreeing to access” My friend T who was slouched in the chair, sat up straight and threw her arm around me. The Domestic Violence Advocate woman who was with us was taken aback because none of us had seen him coming my way. I stayed perfectly calm despite his face mere inches away from my face. I told him “I'm not agreeing to anything my babies don't agree too” he said “I will leave it to the judge then” I said “I can't wait” and he walked away all the while staring at me and then gave a smile of recognition to T who looked like she wanted to knock seven shades of shit out of him. She said “he looks dreadful and as ugly as ever”
As soon as I got into the court room I told the judge I wasn't happy about the length of time I had to wait because I had a child at home who needed me and five hours was a bit much to be waiting to be seen, the judge was lovely, he apologised and was very interested in everything Aspergers and he seemed very knowledgeable about it, he even asked me when I last had a break or last went out for a meal. I replied I would not know the meaning of such things and told him about the ex's shenanigans over maintenance and continual court cases to worm his way out of paying maintenance.
The Judge asked me if I was objecting to access, I laughed out loud, I reminded the judge what ages my sons were and why they will not see their so called father and the little contact he himself has had with them and told him that my eldest would kill him after all he had suffered at that man's hands which is recorded with C Garda Station and I asked could I call them now to see if Garda G.K was on duty because he knew the full story and I know for a fact the only reason the ex is applying for an access order is because he knows it will be broken and no way was anyone going to force my kids to face a man they detest so much and this man detests them as he has done their whole lives so I know he just wants a piece of paper to look good for his family and new found friends and get me in court and then jail so who the hell will take care of my kids then, him, no chance, hell will freeze over before that happens so I would like to get Garda G.K in to tell the history of abuse whilst I was in Ireland and when I was not in Ireland of exactly what that man in front of you did to my eldest son”
The judge turned his attentions to the ex who as usual portrayed himself as a poor down trodden man who was not getting to see his kids. The Judge said he wouldn't make any access order and suggested the ex took it slow regarding his kids, to earn their respect and start making contact by email first, the ex started sighing constantly, clearly annoyed that things were not going his way at all and raging at me having the bottle to talk the truth in my own way and not be scared at all as he no doubt thought I would be but he no longer knows me and the shit I've had to cope with that made me change, I had no choice, I had to change.
The Judge then strangely asked me if would be okay for him to write an order for access for my youngest, I said yes, work away but this isn't about him wanting to see his kids and I explained all the contact I had made to him re my youngests broken wrists, that he needed a laptop to use and emailed his father and the reply my youngest received from him. I told him about me informing the ex of my eldests diagnosis and not a peep out of the man about it except to reply to my youngest to moan about his own life so I could guarantee that if he made any order my kids would not go a million miles near their father and he would have the law at my door and what would happen to my eldest son then because even the powers that be cannot help me with him, so the judge didn't make any access order, he tried again to encourage the ex to make contact slowly through media form, email etc. which I knew he wouldn't do because if he couldn't love and give any attention to his sons when they were living with him and me then he sure as fuck will not do so now. It's all for show, for whom I do not know or care either. At least my kids are safe from him and his mental head games and neglect and abject cruelty.
And that was it, no mention was made at all re any reduction in maintenance, when I queried this I was told it had been withdrawn, I said so how's he going to pay it then because he packed his job in after I applied for an Adjustment of Wages Order, just as I predicted he would do to the court clerks. The Judge asked him if this was true and asked what he was doing now, he stuttered that he was self employed.
As we were leaving the ex came up to me again and asked "can we talk about me seeing the kids" I couldn't believe it and told him “no, I need to get home, it's been a long day, you have my number and you can phone any time” Call me cynical but I really believe all his new found friends must be quizzing him about his kids and asking why he doesn't see them so he was forced into this action to cover his ass, I know that man inside and out. Maybe I'm wrong, perhaps he has turned over a new leaf, only time will tell. (Edited- I was right, he did not contact them at all, scum that he is)
I was amazed to find a recording that a Psychic called Elaine in London did for me. I found it in an old handbag.
“ Five days ago was very important for you, you need to cut back on money and emotional attachment which will drive you insane if you don't.
Does the number 31 mean anything to you, or the 1st of the 3rd, or the 3rd of the 1st. There is probably a Capricorn figure involved, you are broken hearted but you had to get away.
You are bright, bubbly, your partner or spouse is/was draining you of everything, sucking your life's blood, they have/had their own agenda for doing so, this will come to light, the truth will out.
Another friend will come soon, light fun, will end in a relationship eventually but not till you are ready.
Learn Indian Head Massage and Acupuncture, will earn you money, do lots of meditation to de stress you, use Crystal Therapy, you are very intuitive. Find inner strength from spirit to guide you thru, you are on a crossroads, very low, have little self esteem.
There will be no going back to partner/spouse, the only way is up, expect cruel and devious happenings with bare faced lies from that quarter. Things will turn around for you, two months time will be pivotal, you have been, still are and will continue to be stabbed in the back.
Do not fear, the truth will come out, you will be victorious, good over evil. Stick to the road you are on, you will see that it's the right path, you will return to Ireland, lots of soul searching to do. The right help and support will come. June or July will see you return to Ireland, not an easy journey but needs to be done.
There is a very controlling partner/spouse.
Money not great but will come from somewhere. Lots of sorting out to do but you will get it down, you will be okay.
In Ireland before Autumn 06. Accept and take all help and support, you will need it.
He's a very deceitful man, no truth, will admit no wrong doing, forget him as fast as you can.
You will have a good life, only a few months of rubbish, he's surrounded by fools, like he's a fool, he must not know where you are, he has major issues with you that he will try to dominate you with.
He's an evil, controlling, manipulative person, seething with a hidden rage and feels beaten by you in some way, he will not stop using you or those nearest to your heart until he has been avenged.
Once you are back in Ireland, you will quickly make friends and settle down. Happiness is coming your way. Cannot see any major new relationship and nor do you want one, concentrate on yourself.
You will settle and place down roots not far from Dublin”
Blimey finding that again stunned me, most so accurate except for Dublin and settling down. How do people do that and I made sure I kept my mouth shut.
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