Moving On 2009

We moved to Dublin

The refuge insisted I went up to them to have an interview with their housing officer and sign their contract the day we moved in but with our circumstances and the journey with my eldest I knew what was ahead and decided I couldn't do all that on the actual day so me and my youngest travelled up the previous day to get it over and done with.

Mary Talbot from Special Needs in County S had said she would pay for a taxi so “your eldest can travel to his new home stress free” but she rang me whilst I was in Dublin being interviewed by the refuge to retract this and said “I've not received enough notice to provide a taxi for him”

It was a three hour journey by train for me and my youngest, one hour was spent at the refuge office going over and signing the contract. My youngest stayed in our new house and he made up his brothers bed and put up his curtains. We then had a 3 hour journey back again. It was such a long and tiring day for us both, most of it just travelling. On the journey back I rang my eldest and asked him if he'd taken any of his belongings from his bedroom down to the kitchen for the van man in the morning, he said “No, because you did not tell me to” I could have wept. I knew it would be a long night.

Once we got back I picked up a takeaway for my eldest. I never thought in a million years I would get everything done on my own for the morning. The van man rang me changing his time of arrival the next day, he now wanted to come an hour earlier and I wasn't happy about that, I told him I was having to do all this on my own and no way would I ever be ready for his new earlier time, he said he would help me in the morning.

I knocked on the door of only neighbours I knew and asked them if they needed a microwave and a small TV, they were a traveller family and the nicest people I have ever met here. I had chatted to them often at the bus stop which was outside my front door, they got on their phone and got their cousin to come out to help me and take down my sky dish from the outside of the house that belonged to me so I said they could keep it and my free to view box too, they helped me pack some boxes too then the lovely man handed in two Lynx gift sets to me as a thank you and I gave him a hug.

I had to then tackle my eldests room with all his packing, the throwing out of rubbish and cleaning, I was wrecked. I couldn't believe he did nothing at all to help me. It made me seethe because he does have more sense than this.

I had 5 sacks of rubbish and had bought two €10 bin bags for them to go into and left them on the kitchen worktop.

I didn't get to bed till 2am, it was not the hard work in the house that made me tired , it was the long journey to Dublin and back again.

I woke up at 5am with a list of things I still needed to do before I left here. Keys needed to be cut so I could give a set to the van man who was travelling to Dublin early to drop off our belongings and was also take our two cats to the new house.

I had to hand in my Notice to quit plus pay four weeks rent to RAS at the Borough Council. The woman at the hatch in the council read my notice to quit and told me to wait a minute. Out came Kathleen Kane, the woman who told me I had to choose one of three houses or my rent allowance would be cut off for 12 months. She wanted to know what I was doing, I told her it was perfectly obvious and legal that I give them 4 weeks notice and 4 weeks rent, which I'd just done. Kathleen asked me if I knew I would not ever again be entitled to rent allowance, I said I had a place to go to in Dublin thank you very much so goodbye and I left.

Into Mc Donald’s next to get the boys breakfast because I didn't know when we would next get the chance to eat, I saw James the taxi man and asked him to pick us up for the 2pm train to Dublin.

My eldest was sick as a dog, I gave him his medication and he soon stopped and settled down, the poor lad was so stressed. A lovely smiley lad came with his van. We all helped by filling his van, we had no furniture, just boxes of stuff and the cats, I gave the van man the keys and instructions of where to put the cats for safety and when he left I started cleaning again, then noticed that he hadn't taken my tumble drier, I was gutted, I've had that since the late 80's and it still worked a treat despite the broken door on it.

The boys were hungry so I ordered a pizza for them then rang James the cabbie for the 2pm train to Dublin. James said he'll be sorry to see me go. my eldest was hyper but very nervous, I told him to wait on the seats in the waiting area while I went to queue up for our tickets. I then got told there was no train until 3pm, my eldest started “ I'm not sitting here for an hour, you have got to do something and do it now” I had to call James back to come and get us and take us back to the house we had just left but he didn't charge me, he's such a nice man.

We sat in the house until 20 minutes before the 3pm train was due, we sat chatting, me with a big smile on my face but my nerves frazzled and I was so tired. James came for us again, we got on the train.

Eldest told me where we had to sit “near the toilet and an exit” he told youngest “keep the fuck away from us” he ordered youngest “sit on your own” and that he was “not allowed near us and if you open your mouth, I will beat the crap out of you and slit your throat” I thought it would have been so easy for me to get off at the next station and just keep running away from him for good, his words and the way he talks makes me feel sick to my stomach, if anyone was talking to him like this, I doubt he would like it. My poor youngest.

I felt sick, tired, drained, anxious and I wanted a smoke. When the train stopped it was announced we would stop for ten minutes so I stood at the exit door with one foot on the train and another on the platform and lit up a cigarette but two hands grabbed my shoulders and Boo was shouted into my ears, I jumped and squealed in fright, it was my youngest, he said “he wants you back NOW” Christ Almighty eldest could see me from where he was sitting and I could see him but he was in a panic in case the train started and I got left behind on the platform, he told me “sit down and do not move” I would have told him to piss off if we were not in public but no way with his mood was I going to open my mouth and be cursed out with his foul mouth in public ever again. My youngest was as good as gold the whole journey. I would have loved to be sitting with youngest because he's great company and we always have a laugh and plenty of conversation. My eldest was getting tired during the last hour on the train but I told him to put his head on his arms on the table so he did, his medication was wearing off and I had no more to give him.

We arrived in Dublin at 6pm, that must have been the longest journey I have ever been on, and I was stressed to the hilt with eldest. Normally me and my youngest would sit together and wind one another up and have such a laugh. We got a taxi to the house, I showed eldest around the house, then his bedroom, my youngest had made up eldests bed yesterday so I asked youngest to help me find his brothers stuff that the van had dropped off to the house hours before and he gave them to eldest who then shut his bedroom door. We had nothing to sit on but the previous tenant had left 4 kitchen chairs and a table so that was good enough for us.

My youngest and I started going thru our boxes because I was dying to find the kettle for a cup of tea, we worked for 2 and half hours unpacking and placing stuff on the floor tidily because we had no furniture at all. The front door knocked at 9pm, it was a 16 year old neighbour saying welcome, she came into the house, then her mother and brother came over, they didn't leave till 11.30pm which I thought was very strange because I'd only just moved in and had a lot of work to do but it was such a nice change having people to talk to.

My friend came out to see us. I was thrilled because she's been such a great support to me. I had told eldest she was coming to visit but only as a friend to see me. We were sitting in the kitchen having a chat when my eldest walked into the kitchen and went to the fridge and said Hi to my friend. I was gob smacked, My friend thought it was youngest at first. I told her I was shocked at him doing that but very happy tho.

Eldest came downstairs and we sat chatting for ages. I told him about my visit to the cottage at the end of December, he found it amusing, he told me he thinks his dad had a mid-life crisis, it was so nice just to sit and chat to him with no abuse and no drama.

I contacted “Not School” for him. They told me they don't work in the County we had come from when I told them eldests name was put forward and we'd heard nothing back from them, they said they had not heard his name at all. I'm not in the least bit surprised about that. They said they will come out and see us.

I contacted the Education Welfare and spoke to a woman to see what can be done about my youngests education. She came to the house, I told her he had severe bullying at his last school so was a bit phobic about any school now. I showed her his past school reports, she said they were amazing and it was such a shame what he went thru given his potential and intelligence. She said she would look into Youth Reach but she knew they were full and had a waiting list but due to youngests potential she was sure they would want to help. She is very nice woman from Northern Ireland.

My eldest said he wanted a multi pedal music thing so he could make his own music, he gave me the money to go into town and get it for him, he said he checked Walton's Music Store on line and they had them in stock. I told him he would have to pay for a cab because I'd no clue where the place was. The funniest taxi driver took me to the music store, I did nothing but laugh, he told me his name then asked me to repeat it but I couldn't so he kept telling me and now it is stuck in my brain. He said his mates are in a band and he knows the music shop very well, he even came into the shop with me and told the guy behind the counter “look after that woman” It's good to laugh out loud.

Coming back was a very different story, we had to flag a cab down because I couldn't carry the large music thing, some old man was driving, we were still nowhere near the house after 20 minutes and I asked him where he was going then told him to stop the cab because he was making me freak out, he dropped us off god knows where and charged me €25. I said I'm not paying that and gave him €20, he drove off like a bat out of hell, he scared the life out of me. I had to flag another cab down and told him what had happened, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Garda about it, I said no, just home, he gave me his firms business card so I could use them again and it cost another €12 for him to get us home, so Christ knows where we were. I later found out that journey from town to the house normally cost €15. 

I posted the old house keys back to Kathleen Kane by registered post.

Education Welfare rang me, she said she will sanction “Not School” for my eldest and has an appointment for my youngest to meet the woman who runs Youth Reach and she will take both me and my youngest there in her car. I knew she was lovely.

21^st January

I've been feeling ill the past couple of days, life is very busy here so mixing with other people means I've caught every virus going round. I'm still pleased to be here and being kept busy too. I went into town with my youngest to an internet cafe to check my emails, none of importance.

Kathleen Kane re RAS housing rang me as I was walking around Tesco, she told me she'd received the keys I'd sent back and asked me to ring the land lady because the land lady was very upset because she thought I would be her tenant for many years. I reminded her she had told me when I moved in that if the landlady wanted to sell then I would have 4 weeks notice to move as did I as my right to do so as a tenant and as per the contract we both signed. I had followed the contract so I didn't know what the problem was. I reminded her that I'd scrubbed, cleaned and painted the house when I left, she told me to ring the landlady and explain it to her, she said, it's common courtesy. It's not going to happen, I do not know the woman from Adam.

Social Welfare lady Theresa rang me from our old place to wish us good luck in Dublin and to tell me she contacted Dublin for me. How lovely is she.

The Education Welfare lovely lady came to get me and my youngest to take us up to Youth Reach. Youngest argued about everything on the drive, I told him he was embarrassing himself and me. We met a really nice woman there and the room we had to sit in was tiny, she told me and the Education Welfare lady not to talk at all and to pretend we weren't even here because she was only interested in my youngest. She started off by asking my youngest if he wanted to spend the rest of his life separating and counting jelly beans, my youngest said “off course not” she then read out his past school reports and said she was amazed at all the high scores, she said to him “I could put your balls thru a wringer at the waste of your intelligence and education” my youngest stood up and said “no one speaks to me like that” and he walked out” I was dumbfounded, okay she was a bit blunt but my youngest can himself have a viscous mouth on him so he can't talk about how anyone else talks.

There was no sign of him at all outside.  I ran back into the room to get my coat and bag, the woman said “I had to rattle his cage to see what he could cope with if he joined us” and “even tho I'm full I would take him in a heart beat as it would be a sin to see someone with so much potential go to waste” She then said “by his reaction to what I said to him I believe he needs help” I was confused, I asked her “what kind of help” she said “professional help” 

The Education Welfare lady told me to get in her car and we drove around the streets looking for him, he could not be seen anywhere. I was in a blind panic, he didn't know how to get back to the house, I rang him twice, he cut me off after two rings so I kept ringing him, he answered this time telling me “I'm going home” and he cut me off again. I rang again, he answered and said “how dare you all put me under that kind of pressure” I told him why the woman had said what she said and he replied “I don't care, you are all whores anyway” I told him to keep his foul thoughts to himself and reminded him he didn't know how to get home and he had no money. He told me he had €45. I had completely forgotten I had bagged up all our coppers to buy an iron and other bits for the house from Tesco after his Youth Reach interview.

The Education Welfare lady drove me back to the refuge, she asked me “do you have to put up with this kind of thing every day” I said “yes” she said “Christ Almighty” I rang my eldest to tell him what happened because I didn't want my youngest to get in the house and pick a fight with eldest or we would be evicted before the week was out, eldest told me there was no sign of him. I was in a pure panic again, anything could have happened to my youngest, the last time I felt this kind of panic was when he got lost and walked out of a shoe shop at 2 years old, as then, like now I felt frozen with fear.

When we got to the house my youngest was in the kitchen washing his face, he told the Education Welfare lady “fuck off or I will call the Garda and get you done for harassment” I told him “shut the foul mouthed talk” and both me and she tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen. He lifted his bag and walked up the stairs. I told him, I want the money bags back and he launched them down the stairs and the bags split open and loose change went flying everywhere. I swore out loud and the lady with me swore too, she said “is he always like this” I said “normally only with his mouth” she said “God fucking help you” He roared down the stairs “I will not be doing any course just to give her a fucking easy life, I never wanted to do it anyway and she's trying to force me” The lady said “lets get out of here before I lose it with him” she took me over to the refuge office and said “I would not have your life for a million Euro” We had a chat with one of the staff at the refuge and the lady told her what happened. The refuge support worker said she would try and have a chat with youngest later this week once he had calmed down.

When I went back to the house, the ignorant little bastard had locked me out of the house, it took ages for my eldest to realise it was me knocking the door because I'd left my phone and my hand bag in the house. I could have cheerfully strangled my youngest son. Eldest handed me €50 and asked me to order him a pizza, I was by now in tears, eldest said “if he comes down the stairs I'm going to beat the shit out of him” I told him loudly “there will be no violence in this house because violence is never the answer, it only leads to more violence and you need to get that seared into your frigging brain because I'm now sick of saying it” I was so upset that eldest sat with me in the living room for three hours in case youngest came down. I told him I'm ashamed of my youngest son.

I am disgusted with my youngest. For 6 months he told M the other County's Education Welfare lady that he wanted to do a course like this and so avoid going to a school. M had tried to talk him out of it and told him he would be eaten alive by the kids who do these courses but as always youngest thought he knew better than anyone else when he knows nothing about anything. I am sick of his abuse and the lies that come out of his mouth. I have not one child who shows me any respect or love and I'm almost at the end of my patience or any reserves of strength. He needs a kick up the arse and the shock of coping with real life.

My eldest now gets Disability Allowance and he gives me €54 for his keep. I have an agent letter and collect it at the post office for him, I need to get him a bank account because he's spending money like it's water.

I registered with a doctor, he seems a nice enough bloke. When I told him about my eldest and all his problems, he said “it would be great to delve in thru past life regression and see what connection is there that made your eldest how he is but it will cost €50” What the fuck!!! The man has to be a complete fruit loop. I got Crestor for myself and a prescription of Xanax for my eldest.

27^th January

My youngest slid down the last 3 stairs in the hallway and squealed like a stuck pig, I thought he'd broken a bone the noise out of him. There's a reason women have babies and men do not, he screamed at me “its your fault for leaving a pile of washing” I had folded the washing and placed them on the stairs to be taken upstairs for ironing. My sons would never think to lift the clothes and take them upstairs for me. He now has carpet burns on his back and on his hand, he said his head is also sore but no bump was there when I checked it.

30^th January

My heart dropped when my youngest said “I'm taking my laptop to my room from now on” I asked him not to because I didn't want him becoming like his brother, in his bedroom all the time, he told me “it's because I can't get any peace with the TV on and the cats are annoying me”

2^nd February

Eldest wants high speed internet, I said we can't get it because it's far too expensive as it is, he said he would pay for it. I hear that from him all the time but he never does and I wont let him because he is terrible for throwing things back in your face and he would only remove my cable from my laptop if I let him pay for it.

My eldests birthday. He's not in a good mood, he told me “fuck off and leave me alone” and wouldn't open his birthday cards. He didn't touch his birthday cake. I told him "there is something wrong with you"  because this wasn't normal, I was told again “fuck off or else”.

His father came out of the woodwork yet again, this time to tell me that he'd sent eldest a Western Union but he put it in youngests name, why? I have no idea because my youngest cannot collect it because he has no photo ID and has no proof of address because he's only 16 years of age. I sent the ex a text telling him this. My text was ignored. The low life scum that he is, he must be putting a lot of thought into how to fuck us up but must think it will look good on paper for court purposes. Bollix to him and his mental mind games.

9^th March

The lovely Education Welfare lady rang me, she told me she has a tutor for my youngest for 9 hours per week.

“Not School” came to the house with the equipment needed to set my eldest up with an education, I was so happy about it. A lovely lady came to the house with a young man, they spent two hours going thru it all with my eldest and supplied a new phone line, a mac computer, which my eldest loved and a digital camera, it's based on the Australian model of teaching, all on line course work with access to a tutor 24 hours a day so there will always be someone on line day and night, he could also if he liked talk to other student all over the world online and will get a certificate every time he completes a course. My eldest was very eager and chatted to them both. I thought thank you god, he will now have something to focus on but as soon as the lady and the young man left the house, eldest said “I'm not fucking doing that, it's for kids” he rendered me absolutely speechless. I was so frustrated with him that I cried. All that time spent by those people and him acting as if he was keen and eager and smiling and talking and he says this only after they had gone. I'm furious at him. I had to call the lady up and tell her, I was so embarrassed after all the effort they went to.

I started a course one night per week with a small group of people who are lovely. I was invited to go to the pub with K, she and I get on great, she thinks I'm funny and very forward speaking wise, she invited me to go to a college open day with her so I did but they did not have anything I'm interested in at the minute.

9^th March

At 2pm my youngest met his tutor Colm O Cearull, a friendly enough man but not a lot of education talk out of him at all. I had to tell him what my youngest needed to keep up with subject wise. He told me “I would like to introduce myself to your eldest too” (I hadn't even told him I had another son) I told him “no, if my eldest wishes to speak to you fine but otherwise you are not to go anywhere near him” He said “I could just go in and say hello to him” I said “I have already said NO” That tutor is one strange man.

11^th March

My youngests tutor Colm O Cearull second visit to the house.

After an hour the tutor said “I need some fresh air” and he asked my youngest to go out with him, youngest said “I'm fine where I am” I said “if you're going out can you get my gas card topped up” because the shop was only one minute away at end of our cul de sac so my youngest said okay. They took a long time but I just thought the shop would have be busy with school kids and workers getting hot food so there would have been a large queue. I was looking out of the living room window when I saw both my youngest and the tutor at the bottom of the street far away from the shop and wondered where they had been. My youngest walked into the house and made a circle with his finger on his temple, in other words telling me the man is crazy. They carried on at the kitchen table doing school work. I thought no more about it till the tutor left the house.

When he had left, my youngest erupted, he said “the tutor told me don't go into the shop, you can do that when we get back, I want to stretch my legs” (I was thinking I will stretch his fucking neck when I get a hold of him) so he made my youngest walk with him to the Dart station and back, a good 15 min walk there and back. I asked my youngest “why the hell did you not just say no and get home” he roared at me “because you fucking made me go” and “because he's the boss, the one in charge” I said “I asked you to go and get my gas card topped up at the shop and the shop is there, one minute away from us” He said “he was quizzing me about my brother and about dad, he asked me what is dad's name? is he Irish? where does he live? what does he do for a living?” my youngest told me “I tried to ignore him but he kept repeating his questions and I felt I had to answer because I've been raised to respect adults” (but not respect me)  Then Colm asked him “Do you and your brother have the same dad” I was fuming, furiously fuming, steam coming out of my ears fuming.  I rang the tutor straight away but his phone went to voice mail. I didn't leave a message because I would have been arrested with what I wanted to say to him. That man is in big trouble. I told my youngest “you should have had more bloody sense to leg it away from the man at your age” and youngest said “it's all your fault” Yeah off course it is as per bloody usual.

12^th March

Youngest and I went to Northern Ireland so I could go to Iceland. The tutor was due at the house at 1pm but our train back was running late.

The train ended up being 45 minutes late. I rang the tutor as soon as I got off the train. I told him “my son will no longer have you as his tutor, what you did yesterday was totally out of order and I will be making an official complaint about it” He asked me “do you want to meet me face to face and will youngest be there so I can explain” I asked youngest who was walking beside me if he wanted that and he said “no way, he makes me feel uncomfortable as it is” so I declined his offer. I then asked him “who the hell do you think you are and how dare you overstep the mark, telling my son not to go to the shop his mother asked him to go to, how dare you make my son walk with you, a stranger, how dare you quiz my son about his brother and his father and how dare you ask my son if he and his brother have the same dad” He said “I saw your mouse mat photo of them next to the computer and I can see a lot of you in the them” I said “anything in my house has bugger all to do with you, how is anything your business, my family have bugger all to do with you, you are paid to tutor my son for education purposes” he said “sorry, I was just making conversation and just curious” that made me worse, I told him “you're a disgrace” He asked “can I come to the house to apologise and explain it to your youngest” I said “no, you are one bloody strange man” My heart was going like the clappers when I got off the phone and my youngest was laughing. I told him “it's not bloody funny and you had better grow a pair and you should have told me all that was said the minute you got back with that man yesterday” it was like Del trying to go into my eldests bed room all over again, why bloody tell me after it happened and after the man had left the house.

When I got home the tutor was ringing me and he asked “can I speak to your youngest” I said “no chance and if you go anywhere near my fucking son I will fucking swing for you”

I sent a complaint to Anna Livia Tutors and rang the Education Welfare woman and all she had to say after telling me she would ring him was “that's men for you” Anna Livia Tutors rang me back and said “very sorry about your experience but he's not one of ours, we got rid of him two years ago after many complaints about him but we'll make sure that your youngest has a first class tutor” I assume that strange man must have been an acquaintance of the Education Welfare lady because she was the one who sent him to us.

15^th March

My refuge support worker rang me and asked “can you come over and see me and another lady” then told me “don't worry you're not in trouble”!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I went over to their office and told them “I do not want her as my support worker, I'm not having a girl half my age talking to me like that, I find it insulting her telling me ““don't worry you're not in trouble” how dare she talk to me like that and that isn't my only complaint because every time I even try to talk to her about my sons she tells me to discuss them with the other lady because the other lady is the children’s support worker. I said "me and my sons are a package here and I have no other life to talk about so who is she to tell me what I can and cannot talk about” She looked mortified, I asked her “are you denying it” She shook her head. I told them “I'm bullied on a daily basis by my sons and I will not have any staff try that on with me” The other lady said “I'm sorry if that's been your experience to date” then said “my god, you are very assertive” My support worker said “sorry” and told me “it's good to get feedback!

I have had enough of everything and everyone.

1^st April

I sent 4 emails to Gheel Autism Services CEO Peter Byrne to ask if Gheel Autism Services can help my eldest and I emailed him Dr Shah's report and recommendation and my son's own words about living with his father. I sent him the GP's medical report and the Consultant Psychiatrist's letter about my eldest and the letter the Consultant also sent to E.D of Nua Health Care.

6^th April

I had a two hour meeting with Gheel Autism Services in Fairview. I got told my eldest needs to be on the Dublin database to be able to get funding. The only thing that stuck out for me because it scared me was Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Andy McDonnell telling me twice “we had to go to the High Court and remove a child from a family to get them the correct help” I took this as a veiled threat and I'm normally correct.

I found out that Carol Doolan is the Disability Manager for the HSE for my area, she told me “your first point of contact is Rochene, a Social Worker to help you get linked in with other services”

I wasn't going thru all that crap again, same old, same old, give you the run around till you collapse with stress that makes you shut up.

I rang Martin at Gheel and told him “no way am I going backwards yet again with the HSE in a new area” he said “I will speak to Peter and get back to you. Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism Services rang me, he said “you do not need Social Work because your eldest has a full diagnosis so all that's needed is your eldest to be on the Dublin HSE database, nothing else and I will get it done” He said “I know Carol Doolan and I'll give her a call”

Peter Byrne, the CEO of Gheel Autism Services rang me again at 6pm asking “what would you be happy with in the letter to the HSE” I said “I don't know, I suppose just the report and the recommendations from Dr Shah to be implemented”

9^th April

Text from the ex at 2.43am “sorry about the delay with money, have had a bit of a breakdown, still not fixed properly, what does youngest want for his birthday” Followed by a woe is me email from him then an almost apology email.

11^th April

Text from the ex at 9.55pm telling me “your dog has died, was poisoned, I'm sorry, I know you loved your dog but I grew to be fond of her” he did not reply to my questions of what happened to her.

My youngest is Sweet 16. I gave him €150 and he put it on his 3V card, I got him chocolates and a cake and put another €20 in a card and got him new clothes. T came to visit and gave him €20.

The ex sent a text to me at 3pm to say “I've sent youngest a Happy Birthday email” I thought that's a first. He said “I've sent a Western Union by email to him” but he hadn't told my youngest what the amount was for which youngest needed to know to fill in the form to collect it and he also left a digit off the serial number too. I sent him a text telling him this because it couldn't be collected, no reply. How low can one man go.

I rang Martin at Gheel, I left a voicemail “I need my file back because they are all my originals and what happened to the meeting I'm supposed to have to teach me to help my eldest as you promised you would do and I've heard nothing about it” No reply back.

Peter Byrne, the CEO of Gheel Autism Services rang me, he said “I will be at the house in half an hour with your file and will be driving a mini bus” He came into the house. I had to ask him to lower his voice because he was awful loud and my eldest was directly above us.

I've been ill with stomach pains. I went to meet K at the pub and drank lemonade, she said that's good for the stomach.

My eldest is now on 3 x 1mg of Xanax per day, he took two at the same time and was high as a kite. I told him “from now on I will give you one at a time because you cannot be trusted with them” he wasn't happy about that at all, he said “if I'm not in charge of them myself then I will not take any” I said “that's your choice” he told me “fuck off and die” I said “change the bloody record and grow up”

1^st May

My adopted daughter T came for the weekend, we went to view houses in Wexford for her, its a beautiful place. Next day, Sunday, we went to Newry to get our shopping at Asda. I need to learn to drive, it really does mean freedom.

I contacted a school to see if youngest can sit his Junior Cert as an external candidate.

My youngests old teacher, Mrs C rang me, she said she would post out youngests CPE project which he needs to hand in to the school so he could sit the exams. What a lovely lady she is because she also enclosed notes so youngest would know how to complete it. The deadline has passed so he needs to have it finished by Friday and taken up to the school by then. I sent her a Thank You card from us.

11^th May

I had weird chest pains and my bottom lip went numb, it's not the usual neuralgia I get because the rest of one side of my face was not affected. I rang D Doc at 8pm and got told to go to North Strand to see the doctor. The place was empty so I went straight in to the doctor, she asked what my family life was like, I found that strange but I told her anyway. She said my symptoms are caused by severe stress and I need to access supports and she gave me Lexapro tablets, I took one and I was awake all night long. I'm not taking them again. I get little enough sleep as it is.

Text from the ex, “I cannot make it to court to pay any maintenance so I've sent a Western Union” I'm not falling for it this time, not after what he did to eldest and youngest and so called non existent Western Union's. I found out online that he's in Trim as a court witness, supporting the Save the Hill of Tara crew that are all in court for breach of the peace.

I rang the court, the clerk I always spoke to has retired now. I was told “I have already informed your ex he has to pay into the court and to pay on time so I have done my job” God give me strength. It means I have to chase up the ex myself.

15^th May

My eldest is spending cash like it's going out of fashion. I have tried all banks but he needs ID and he will not go out to get ID but I found out he can have a post office account called Post Bank without ID so that's now set up for him.

I went to the doctor and gave him back the Lexapro tablets. I told him “it's not chemicals I need, it's a life, a break, a holiday, my son back to normal and a muzzle for my younger son” He said “I understand how difficult it must be for you” I told him about my palpitations, I last had them as bad as this when I left the ex, not like bubbles rising up my throat, they're like a mule kicking me in the chest and take my breath away and they stop me in my tracks. The doctor put me on Xanax .25mg twice a day. I cannot let my eldest get his hands on these. I only take half of one morning and night. It has stopped the palpitations.

16^th May

I was in my bedroom writing from my small copy books into my journals when my phone rang. It was the ex.

He said “ I'm outside the Garda station with a full file of harassment texts and emails from you” I said “good luck with that, I look forward to the outcome of your visit” and asked him “have you heard of wasting police time” He said “why can't you just go and get the Western Union I sent you because I don't want you anyway near the cottage” He said “I'm ill and stressed beyond belief and you're making me worse. He said “all you had to do was let me know about the genuine mistakes I made with eldest and youngests Western Unions (me texting him immediately about it was letting him know) He said “I've spoke to the court and they're okay about me paying late and paying by postal order until I set up a standing order, what have you done with the maintenance I paid only last week, I'm in a terrible state with the stress of trying to pay the mortgage, the bills, maintenance and feed myself too. He said “I'm still grieving over the dog, she may have been your baby but she was my surrogate child and I'm heart broken at not seeing my sons, why am I not allowed to know where they live, I have 3 years worth of presents for them” I told him “you were not heartbroken about your sons when you were abusing them, when you didn't give a crap whether they had food, heat, a roof over their heads or clothes and you never sent them a card or a text at Xmas, you never rang them and you fucked up and did nothing about the Western Union's for them when I informed you immediately about your cock ups but we all agreed it must be down to your mental mind games once again” I told him “you were not heart broken when my eldest was diagnosed with Aspergers because you didn't even acknowledge the email I sent you about it, you were not heart broken when my youngest broke not one but both his wrists and when I sent you a text about it, you replied saying if I needed anything to let you know then you switched your phone off, you were not heart broken when my youngest and I stood outside the family home in the pissing rain and you had changed the locks and would not respond to texts or voice mails and as for three years of presents, you only gave them presents once and that was last year, you gave the boys nothing previously and you had every opportunity to hand over three years of so called presents to me in person”

He said “I've sent the dogs stomach to Wales for an autopsy, the neighbour poisoned her, she looked into my eyes as if to say her job in this life was done and she brought so much love to so many people and taught them how to love again” He has got to be out of his freaking mind! That man never once took my dog for a walk when we lived in the cottage and as I told him this, I heard something whining and asked him what it was. He said “my friends got me a 6 month old Alsation, collie cross puppy who will never replace her but I'm training him so he will know who the boss is and he's a dream on the lead”

He asked “why did you have the cheek to get a Protection Order against me when it was always eldest who attacked me” (he is a liar) “there was always food in the house” (he seems to have forgot that all food in the freezer was out of date and that he rang me to tell me so we wouldn't eat the out of date food when we were in the cottage) He said “you hit me me in the eye with a brolly and drew blood” I reminded him that was in fact me and G my old work mate when we were bored in work and were pretending to sword fight, G had a large pole with a hook on the end that we used to get boxes down from high places and I used a brolly and me and G got a huge telling off for our stupidity and childishness by our boss. He then said “you chased me with a knife” I said “absolute bollix, my adult daughter threatened you that she would get a knife if you didn't let me go of me when you had me on my back on the living room floor in London with your hands around my neck. He said “you drank a bottle of Scotch a day and when you'd finished that, you would demand I go out and get some more” I said “ bollix, I never drank a bottle of Scotch in my life, I would be dead if I had drank that, I drank Vodka on a Friday night and only ever had four drinks, unlike you with your 4 cans every single night along with any wine you got hold of” He said “you cracked my ribs twice” I was aghast at his non stop bullshit lies and reminded him “I slapped you once across your face in the house we lived in, in the UK after you did a disappearing act leaving me home alone with no money and two babies to look after and I only did that after I found out you were writing and ringing an ex girlfriend and you went missing so I knew exactly where you were and I also remember you went to our then doctor with your spurious lies and I had to go and defend myself and tell Dr R the truth which was, I slapped your face and not once did you ever get sent to any hospital for any x-ray which would be a given because ribs can injure the lungs so your talking thru your arse. He came back with, “that beautiful doctor told me there was no point going to the hospital because nothing could be done” I said “your lies will get you hung one day because liars always get found out”

He said “I have bailiffs knocking constantly on the door looking for money, I need a van but I can't get a loan, it will cost me a grand, I've had the old car for two years now and it's still going strong so I'll stick with that” He said “the tax man wants €5,000 and the solicitor is chasing me for €10,000 for three fucking court appearances” he asked “why do you think I had to appeal the maintenance at the Circuit Court, then the fucking judge put the maintenance up” I replied “you did have a good address, a two bed apartment with it's own on site gym” he said “the place was a shit hole and I never had a key for the gym” I said “you arrived in court with not just a solicitor but a Barrister too who I wiped the floor with and you had the cheek to plead poverty” he said “yes she was useless” He asked “how are the boys, I can get eldest a new computer” (but he's claiming he has no money) I reminded him “my youngest is still waiting for the computer monitor you were supposed to hand into the solicitor and you failed to do that” He said “my offer of camping is still open and I know they will love it” I said “you do not know your children, you never bothered to get to know them, even when you lived with us but I will ask them but I fear it may be a a case of too little, too late” He said “it's never too late and I'm seeing a fantastic therapist and would love you to go see him too, it will change your whole life, I will send you his CD, it's about 50 minutes long and puts you into a deep sleep”

He said “I packed in my job” (I predicted it) “that cunt was taking the complete piss, he was paying J who was only part time, €38,000 plus a pension and health insurance, I had umpteen meetings with him and he wanted me to sign a new contract minus travel expenses but I worked out that I'd done 1000 hours of overtime without any payment. I told him I had no money and have bailiffs at the door, he offered me €1000 upfront to help me out but he wanted the new contract signed, I took the money but refused to sign anything and he went mad but I copied everything from the boss's main computer server and took photo's of everything to do with J too and I nicked most of his work contracts and customers because I nearly died when I found out the boss was charging €600 a day and paying me peanuts and I'm the one doing all the fucking work”

He said “I've been advised not to tell you this by my solicitor and everyone I know, but I will do anything to get your name off the deeds of the house and to stop your threats of going to the cottage and that's why I'm at the Garda station now with all your harassments.  I've printed out all your emails and texts to me” I said “go for it, I've nothing to worry about. I can go to the house any time I like because it's still my house, all you have to do is hand over my mail from the mortgage company that still has my name on and any documents about the solicitor I've been asking you for repeatedly and pay your maintenance on time, you have no responsibility and have the sheer cheek to be on the phone moaning to me and all the crap you've left me with”

He told me “I had to sell my share of my inheritance to my brother and I got shafted, he made me accept a 10% reduction on the valuation and R sold his share too so he could pay off his wife of one year so the clever bastard now owns one full half outright and is very rich, owning properties all over the place and has his other businesses too” He said “me and R think N and A only got married as a business arrangement and no way are those girls his. R has a son, C has a son and I have two son's (I bit my tongue at that) but N has girls” I told him again “bollix, N and A were together before any of you got yourselves women never mind wives and they were madly in love and do I really have to give a man of your age a bloody biology lesson” (a man's sperm determines the sex of a baby) He said “I was going to write you a cheque for half the amount I got but everyone has told me no, what would you think would be a fair amount considering that you have had €35,000 out of me already when you left” (it was £21,000) and all the years of maintenance I’ve already paid to you and the Social Welfare you've obviously been claiming, I'm thinking 10 or 15 grand at a stretch but I'll need to get the figures done first. I will put that at the top of my list of things to do then I'll get back to you and we can do the conveyance work about the cottage ourselves without involving solicitors” (yeah right)

He said “Marco, the man you scared the life out of when you turned up at the cottage does live with me, he's writing a book that has the potential to change the world. You also scared the life out of me when you turned up at the cottage, you were full of venom, it was coming out of every pore of yours” I said “I was actually very calm, assertive yes, but calm, I had nothing to fear because I had G the Garda with me” He said “when I saw you at Xmas, you were gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous, you must be turning heads everywhere when you walk down the street and get wolf whistled everywhere you go” (I was stunned into silence) then he stopped talking. He said “I'm glad I've talked to you but I still don't trust you” (the cheek of him) he said “you have to visualise what you want and it will happen” he asked me if I had seen particular films and said “it's amazing and it really works” (I felt like screaming try living my life you sadistic prick, the one you put me thru and in and left me with. He then said “shit, what's the time, I was supposed to fix someone's computer at 12 noon” he started up his car, telling me “the dog is getting bored” (not as bored as I was with him with his woe is he and bullshit lying) he said “I will be in touch when I've done the figures”

I turned detective:

1/ Why would anyone pack in their job if they had bailiffs knocking at their door?

2/ Why are they knocking and what does he owe?

3/ Why would he sell his share of the London property to the brother that he hates.

4/ How much did he get and when did he sell it.

My head was buzzing and sore with recapturing all he had said to me on the phone, thank god I already had pen and paper in front of me and could write down most of it. What's to be believed about any of it, he lies as easy as breathing but liars always, always, trip themselves up and need a thousand other lies to cover the first one up, so a tangled web is weaved and they eventually forget and trip themselves up. This man has to be the biggest liar and delusional psycho it has ever been my misfortune to have met and married. He has to be on cloud cuckoo land for definite.

22^nd May

K woke me up just after 9am, the poor soul was on my doorstep soaked to skin with a bouquet of flowers that A had ordered for me because she was out of the country and won't be at the college where I've been short listed for an award. What a lovely and welcome surprise.

18^th May

I rang K she said she would meet me at the Dart station and we went to Howth to clear our cobwebs, we fed the seals and just walked and talked, she is a smashing girl, we get on great. Just getting out of the house and talking to another adult makes such a difference to me. I told her some things about the ex. She said “I could never see you with a man like that because you are genuinely funny and friendly, you chat to everyone, even strangers and I do not know anyone like you” I'm hoping that's a good thing.

I rang the court again, yes they got my maintenance now but I need to wait for 5 days for the cheque to clear. I said he pays in cash or postal order, she said she will send it out in the post tonight. I did not ask when they received it, I should have done.

20^th May

I went to a TD, I cannot remember his name, white hair, weird moustache but a very nice man. He sent me a letter because he'd asked a question in the Dial for me but the reply was “it's a service issue” (no shit Sherlock) and has been referred to the HSE. I just thought, here we are on the merry-go round yet again. Nothing changes at all.

I got two weeks maintenance thru, thank god, I can get the ESB bill paid now.

21^st May

My adopted daughter T came up for my appearance at the awards ceremony at DCC. My friend K came along too, my youngest decided to be a total bollix and refused to come, one thing I had to be proud of for myself and he couldn't be there for me after all I do and have done for him. Lovely C from Mayo sent me a good luck text from Portugal. I was shaking with nerves about talking in public. The library staff had to give short description about the story, I was up second to read, they said “When we read this story, we laughed out loud, we blushed but it's a great story” that made me worse. I told the audience that I was mortified and that the staff had heavily edited the story to spare their blushes then I read it. Many laughed in parts then applauded. T and K said I spoke clearly and calmly, which was good because I didn't think I would sound either clear or calm. Another two hours we spent there, K was dying to get out for a smoke and some wine. We went to the pub afterwards, it was a great night. I got flowers, a certificate and book tokens. I felt proud of myself.

23^rd May

My eldest scared the life out of me by screaming blue murder about an earwig, you would have thought he was being murdered the noise he made. my youngest went into his room to kill it for him but he just got a mouthful of abuse to “fuck off” from eldest.

24^th May

I took clean bedding into eldests room and all was going well until I chucked what I just took off his bed onto his bedroom floor, he screamed at me “you are giving me a panic attack and doing it on purpose” He frightened the life out of me by screaming at me like that. I told him “quit screaming at me because you're going to make me have a heart attack” he then threw all the clean clothes sitting on top of his drawers out of his room and onto hall way floor, he said “you have contaminated everything now and they all have to be washed again, they're no longer clean” I wanted to strangle him. God knows why I've not snapped yet, I'm truly scared that one day I will as this is a frigging daily nightmare that makes your head spin and your nerves on edge every minute of every day. My bloody washing line has snapped too so I need a new one. The kitchen is now like a Chinese laundry with clothes and bedding piled high.

I texted T to see if she was free for a chat. I told her about eldest. I told her I'm walking on so many egg shells that my feet feel cut to shreds, she said “he's nought but a cheeky fucker, just boot him up the hole” she made me laugh.

Sent the ex a text as another bank holiday was coming up and he always ensures he leaves me with no maintenance on bank holidays. My youngest needs Converse shoes, the only shoes he will wear and they cost €55 so I need the money and wanted reassurance that it will be paid. No reply. I sent him another text saying “I will personally be over to the cottage to collect what you owe” he replied straight away “off course I will pay”

My eldest came into living room at 9pm, he sat and watched Only Fools and horses with me, it made him laugh, thank god for a bit of light relief.

27^th May

Eldest wanted money on his 3V card. I told him I had a lot on today, he said “get a cab there and back and I'll pay for it, it wont take you that long to do it” The only place I can put that amount on for him is in town. He's getting on my nerves.

My eldest wanted a chat with me at 8pm, he kept me awake until 2am, it was the same conversation over and over, all about “dad kicking the shit out of me” all about “the abuse I suffered” then “why were you stupid enough to marry a man like that, why did you stay with a man like that, whose great idea was it to move to this country in the first place” I was pissed off big time with him, I just wanted peace, I missed all my programmes, I wanted him to leave me alone, I'm normally in bed for 10pm, I'm an early riser but I just answered his questions as best as I could and did not say what I really want to say which was, Fuck off and leave me the hell alone, go find your father and annoy the hell out of him and give me a break. I was not brave enough to say any of that. He then wanted to know “where do you think this will all end up” he asked “why are you not fighting for our legal rights” he told me what he wanted to do job wise, “computers first then be a lawyer in the UK” He tires me out, he drains me, he's an emotional vampire. He flits from being calm and logical to being emotional and aggressive in nano seconds, I feel mentally tortured. I never know if what I say will make him turn on me so I have to always tread very carefully. Some life this is.

27^th May

Rang the court and spoke to the clerk, he told me this was his last day and advised me to “come to an agreement and compromise with your ex about maintenance because we're now short staffed” I went mad at him after telling him I hoped he enjoyed his retirement. I told him “I have a court order regards maintenance, it's the law that this is adhered to or it's contempt of court, I have two very tall sons to feed, put clothes on their backs, a roof over their head and every other bloody thing that they need and want” The clerk said “the warrant still stands and a warrant can still be sent out about non payment of maintenance” I told him “nothing has ever been done in three years so far” He was not in the least bit interested, why should he be, it's his last day and he wanted peace but I wanted the bloody law to do what it's supposed to do.

I sent N at the agency I trust an email

“Hi N

Thought I would let you know the following for any clients you have. One clerk has now retired and I had to call the other one today re non payment of maintenance. He told me this was the last day, he advised me to "come to an agreed arrangement with my ex to have maintenance paid directly into my bank account as they are very short staffed" I asked him what the point of my court order was, he said I can still use the court order when arrears are owed and that I only have to ask for a request for recovery and a warrant will be sent out, (I do not believe this as it has not happened in my case in three years now) it seems strange to me that the courts no longer want to deal with calls from women who are in dire need of this money for their children and let control freak ex's decide when and how they pay into court as ordered by a judge and I was advised to "compromise" with my ex about how he pays me. Luckily I only have to mention the cottage to my ex by text and he paid the maintenance into the bank this afternoon for me as I was desperate to get my youngest shoes for attending school for his exams which begin the first week of June. This country is a bloody disgrace when it comes to women and the court system. Apparently many other women who rang that court today about the same matter have been told the same as me according to the clerk so where does that leave women like me, allowing ongoing control to ex's regarding when we eat, when we can pay our bills, when we can clothe our children etc. I am furious, it's like telling us women we are nuisances, I doubt that the law in this regard has changed overnight so how can this be allowed to happen. I am stunned that I have to make contact with my ex for money that is court ordered, when I don't want any contact with him, that's when the clerk said “you all have to compromise” the sheer cheek of it, this could possibly lead to ongoing domestic abuse for those in that area. Is there anything that can be done”

I got a reply from N. Thank you for this information, we will bring it up with the court. The Clerk is actually retiring this week and apparently they will only have one court clerk till they recruit someone else. However, it is still not good enough that women who have exp DV are being forced to have contact with their abuser re maintenance. I will call the court service at national level to register our concerns and ask for immediate action to ensure that there are enough staff to follow-up on maintenance agreements. Thanks for letting me know”

28^th May

My youngest had a new tutor and today is his last day. I took my youngest into town to buy his Converse shoes costing me €55, I am a fool tho as my shoes are €4 out of Pennies. I got the tutor a card and an Eason's Voucher.

29^th May

Peter Byrne, the CEO of Gheel Autism Services rang me “I had a meeting with Carol Doolan yesterday who stated she was very concerned about you and your family” she asked Peter who I've only met once and who has never met my eldest “what should I do in the way of services” he said he told her “leave it until after I've had spoken to mum” but “I'm going on holiday” He told me “I've asked Martin to contact you regards a meeting” I told him “I've given up contacting Martin myself because I've texted and rang and got no reply from Martin” Peter asked me “what number do you have for Martin” after I told him he said “yes that's the right number, it's very unusual but you can take it up with Martin when he contacts you” I asked him “what have you done about Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations” he said “that will all be discussed when I return from holiday”

Martin of Gheel rang me, he said “I cannot remember getting any texts or calls from you” I said “they're still logged on my phone so I can show you” he said “I don't know how that happened, I'm sorry” He wants to meet me next week.

I rang my friend and ran it all past her.

I rang the Disability Manager, Carol Doolan's, HSE office and said “I want a face to face meeting so Carol can personally meet the woman she told Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism Services she was very concerned about and I would like to introduce myself” I was told “Carol is not free” then I was asked “are you sure you're in the right catchment area” I said “off course I am otherwise why on earth would I be ringing you” my number was then taken and I was told I will get a call back. No one rang me back.

I also want to ask Carol Doolan

1/ Why had she not contacted me directly if she was so concerned, she has my contact numbers.

2/ Why was she asking Gheel what she should do in the way of services when they have not even met my eldest.

3/ Why was I not informed about any meeting regards my family.

I was online when I came across a woman who has a blog I was reading, she had posted “I was working when there was a knock at the door, it was (my ex) with his new pup. He brought me Manuka Honey and Cranberries for my cold, aren't people kind”

I almost blew a frigging internal gasket reading that, the cruel bastard ex was told my youngest had broken both wrists and I couldn't afford to get him to the hospital and he wouldn't pay maintenance and there he is buying some woman he hardly knows €10 jars of honey. I'm furious. I fired ofF an angry email to him.

1^st June

K convinced me to go along and keep her company at the Woman's mini marathon. So I did, she said if I got tired I could turn back but there were thousands of people behind me so no way could I turn back. I ended up doing the 10k in 2 hours, ten minutes and every muscle in my body was screaming. We went for a pizza afterwards with K and two of her friends. We stood waiting for a bus home for 40 minutes not realising the road had been closed for the marathon. We felt like idiots. Imagine me doing a marathon after being on crutches for a year.

2^nd June

I met Martin from Gheel. I asked him straight out “why are you meeting me when you have ignored my previous texts and calls” he said “because Peter told me to and Peter is the boss” What a funny and strange little man. I cannot work him out at all, all smiles, acts friendly enough but I just knew that he would rather be any place other than with me. I can normally read people well enough except my own bloody kids. We had tea and he just let me talk for an hour. He said “I can meet you at the Fairview office every week on a Wednesday” I asked why, he said “well you can if you like” I don't have clue what his job is. He said “I will have to clear it with Peter first”

I rang Carol Doolan's office again and was told she was on holiday for two weeks.

I received a letter from TD McG who I went to see because I've gotten nowhere regards anyone meeting my son's extensive special needs. His letter enclosed a reply from the HSE saying that I personally made contact with Carol Doolan and that Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism Services has agreed to organise an assessment of my son needs and to get back to the HSE about it and Gheel will offer support to Mrs X. What the fuck is going on here. My son already has an extensive Diagnostic Assessment Report and many immediate Recommendations were made by a renowned Autism expert, Dr Amitta Shah and now seven months have gone past from when that report was issued and no one has done anything to meet my son’s special needs despite my continual attempts to have these implemented. The assessment has been done, the recommendations made so why are they attempting to start all over again from square one. Useless bastards. I was told that “everyone had to adhere to the recommendations made by Dr Shah” yet nothing has been done, nothing is being done. WHY NOT.

3^rd June

Another gorgeous day. First day of my youngests exams. I was so nervous for him as he knows no one at the school. I got him up at 7.30am. My eldest needed a tablet to help him sleep last night and came staggering down the stairs telling me “give youngest a Xanax to help calm his nerves” I said “absolutely not, he does not need such things” We walked up to the school at 8.45am and met Mr W who showed us where the exams were being held, just a normal classroom so there was not many kids in the same room as my youngest. The ones who were there looked curiously at him but I told him that was human nature, they would probably ask questions so if he was friendly to them, they would be friendly to him.

I sat in McDonald’s and rang C, my old friend and she told me she sent my youngest a good luck card with money in it. She never forgets us, she is wonderful. I rang K and she came up to meet me, I love that girl, she is so funny, kind and calm. T also sent my youngest a good luck text. I went to meet my youngest once he had finished at 11.15am, I told him I was so proud of him, he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. He thinks he did okay, he said probably a B, he has Maths tomorrow.

The heat is killing my eldest, he hates it, he has always since a young child hated the hot weather. He's just lying in bed all the time.

I contacted TSB, I need proof of all owed re mortgage on the cottage for DCC, I was told by TSB they can only post out to the original address because it's in both names and they wont send out to my new address.

I heard my eldest laughing his head off, when I went to see why and he said he found a toothbrush in the freezer. my youngest had put it there.

8^th June

I waited in the house to see if the postman would bring any maintenance for me, I desperately need this money. My eldest came to me and said “I'm not happy about how we're living” he asked me “what kind of job I can do, what qualifications do I need to get work and how do I get them” then said “what will I do if you drop down dead” then answered his own question by saying “I will just top myself” I said “I'll look into it all for you and don't be ridiculous about killing yourself because your only a bairn”

The post man walked straight past the house. I was mad about that, I texted the ex, he replied “it will be there today, I've put my back out” He has not said anything about the so called “10 or 15 thousand” since he bored the nipples off me on that almost two hour phone call so I rang him, he said “I want to give it serious thought because you've been cyber stalking me” This man is off his rocker. I told him “I need the TSB letter, can you send it to the agency I trust” he asked “who are they” FFS he went to their event with women in tow and caused a scene.

I could cry, I have bills coming out of my ears. One week without maintenance is a real struggle. It sets me back so much and I've now lost count of how much he owes me. I found calendars online so I plan to get them printed and go back and fill them in since September three years ago and add it all up to take to court.

For the first time in three years I cannot pay my rent, it's totally humiliating. All I now have is my pride and his action or rather inaction have stripped that from me, I had to ring the housing officer and tell her I cannot carry on like this any more.

10^th June

I am so tired, I'm not sleeping well at all.

I rang Martin at Gheel and asked him “am I now going to be seeing you from now on, I'm losing trust in a service that can just simply ignore a mother begging for help” He said “the honest answer is I do not know, the CEO is Peter and Peter makes the appointments and the decisions” He went on to tell me “I can see you once a week to vent” I asked him “is venting a new service then” no reply from him.

Respite Grant cheque thru the door. I paid 4 weeks rent, paid €150 to ESB, €150 to Eircom, €100 to Chorus. I re paid €110 to eldest and took my youngest to town and got him a PSP plus games, clothes for me, an exercise bike for my eldest and bought him new clothes too and myself a hoover. I went up to Tesco late, it was lashing down with rain after being nice all day. I was back in the house and unpacking the shopping when I said something to my eldest and he just ignored me, I pulled him up about it because I'm far too tired to take anything from him, he said “you ignored me last week when you were in the toilet and I wanted to talk to you, you are a useless and ignorant cunt” I couldn't believe what I was hearing and burst into tears in sheer bloody frustration at constantly trying my hardest doing everything for my kids on my own. I wish I could just walk out the door and never look or think back but I'm not made that way. How can I be shown no love, respect or decency, I am nothing to them, but I am everything they need. I feel like a used up old rug, ready for the skip. I just want one normal day when I wake up happy and have no one curse me out for no good damn reason.

I had a text row with my ex, trying to do his usual mind fuck games. Big difference is I'm not playing his games. He must be bored with nothing else to do.

My eldest wants to lose weight, he said “my self esteem is zero” and “I want my teeth fixed” I rang dentists for him last week but as usual when push came to shove he backed out at the last minute. He said “everything is your fault and you should have got me to a dentist when I was 12” 

I wanted to scream at him to fuck off with the blame game. I had not a pot to piss in when he was 12, his father was the only one with any money, the only one with a bank account. He said “I've had a shit childhood” which is bollix, he was always by my side and was spoiled rotten and loved always by me, he then came out with all that his father had done to him and roared at me “And what did you do, NOTHING, you're bad as dad and you let dad abuse me”

I have never been violent in my life but at that moment in time I wanted to punch some sense into him, how frigging dare he, accuse me of being like his father, I actually wished I was because I would not be standing here taking this crap, how dare he say I let his father abuse him, he chose not to leave with youngest and me after having the daddy he always wanted for once in his life even tho I, my youngest and my daughter told him to wake up, smell the coffee, you're being used then will be ignored when you're of no more use to him but no, he, the stupid boy thought he knew better, he enjoyed the power he had over me and my youngest with his fathers blessing, and this is my punishment, coming back for him when I had got myself a life one day per week in college in London, freedom tasted then vanished and all for him and he treats and talks to me like this.

He said “I found a website on career directions and you have to look it up and read it and print out anything that can tell me how to do IT and Law” Like a fool I did as he asked, he then said “I'm not going to do the free online courses on computing because I cannot sit and read it on the computer screen, it hurts my eyes” What a crock of shit, he has no problems sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end, he has no problems playing computer games, he has no problems reading racist crap then pouring it down my throat because “you are a fucking liberal” whatever that means. Ahhh, he drives me nuts.

He wants to be a member of the BNP, he wants to be a politician, a Lawyer, a Barrister, and a Field Service Computer Engineer and all from his bedroom, he wants me to go out and “buy me suits and ties to wear” I think he thinks I have a bloody magic wand, who does he think he is ordering me to do anything for him. He has more intelligence than me, he knows everything so can get off his own ass and do it all himself. He was complaining “my room is too small” but he has the biggest room in the house, my youngests room is coffin size, mine is not much bigger, he wants to know “what kind of house will will have when we move because this size is of no use to me” What am I, the frigging oracle. I may have got rid of a heavy weight from my back in the form of his father and now he's just as bad, he is worse in fact because there is no escape from him for me. I am his personal slave, his whipping post, his venom board. I cannot live like this, he will put me in an early grave. I hate this. He said “you've done nutrition or so you claim so you have got to sort out healthy food for me to eat, I do not want red meat, no vegetables, no pasta, no sausage, no cheese and no eggs” So what the hell am I going to get him to eat. He only eats chicken breast or turkey and has some kind of potato with that but he will not eat mash or boiled potato's, he does eat apples but they have got to be small waxy ones only. Sometimes he will eat a banana, he is the most difficult person I know and he is my own bloody son.

I went to Tesco to get some shopping and when I got back in house my eldest was waiting on the stairs for me, he said “two really horrible things have happened to me when you were out” he had a big sulky miserable face on him so I knew it was nothing that caused him fear, he said “I lost all the data stored on my exercise bike and had done 10k of cycling on it” and “worse of all I lost a really excellent reply I'd written on a website about the BNP but I didn't save it on my computer and I believe it would have been put on the front page and would have got more people to sign up (this boy is a total head case, how the frig can he be racist when he was brought up in London and his first best friend was from Iraq) I asked him if he was hungry, he shouted loudly “NO, I HAVE JUST TAKEN A FUCKING XANAX” This son of mine is now officially a vampire, he sucks any life force within me, he has an aura of misery and cloaks all in his path with this, well me and my youngest anyway. I sometimes wish there was a camera installed in the house so I could record and play it back to him, the way he is, the way he talks, orders, shouts, screams, curses, demands, the way he demeans me, disrespects me, is just frigging horrible to both me and my youngest, he cannot think for a minute with a normal brain that what he does to us is acceptable or even normal.

As usual he gets an idea into his head and wants a quick fix so said he's not eating anything except cereal and water and does 50k daily on his exercise bike.

I am beginning to not like my son.

15^th June

I went out for my eldests special food shop. I bought him wraps, turkey slices, all kinds of fruits, he wants to try them all, the yogurts without bits in them have to be large pots plus orange juice, that alone came to €31. I am raging at the cost.

My eldest said “you need to sort my room out, make it look bigger but I can't be in the room when you're doing it because you'll make me have a major panic attack” He wants me to “go to town” and he gave me his cash card, he said “get me suits, I want 5 t shirts in black only, I want 100 pairs of boxer shorts and 100 pairs of socks and new drawers to put them in”

My youngest and me went to town. No way was I buying eldest 100 pair of socks and boxers for him. I got the suit, the shirts and ties, the socks and the boxers and the t shirts from Dunnes, we went to Argos for the drawers and they weighed a tonne. It was a miserable experience getting them to a taxi rank because they were so heavy.

My youngest spent 4 hours in his brothers room which was like a sauna with the heat. He was putting his new drawers together for him and not a word of thanks did my youngest get, the sweat was lashing off him and my eldest refused to allow his window to be opened in case any insects or wasps or bees got in. He finished the day by screaming at my youngest “what is your fucking problem” when youngest asked him why he needed a suit. I do not like my eldest very much at all, I love him but I do not like him. He is always so sullen, moody, abusive, aggressive, a bully, no decency in him, no thanks out of him. He is just horrible to us. He wont eat, I know it's because of the heat, I tried to get him to have a shower to cool him down, he shouted at me “fuck off, what the fuck would you know”

Eldest has now decided he wants to re take his Junior Cert so he passes with all A's, he wants to then sit his Leaving Cert exams, he wants a book case and all school books that he'll need to study for the exams, he said he will teach himself, he doesn't want to wait until next year, he wants me to “sort it out and contact someone” so he doesn't have to go into a school, he said “you could have and should have sorted all this out the past 3 years” (my head was telling him to fuck off but I'm never brave enough to say it to his face) he said “I'm bored, all I do is sleep, all I do is go on my computer, then go to bed” I felt like screaming that he's not handicapped, he's not chained to the house, he can do anything he wants but I said nothing because when he's in his order mum about mode it will only lead to a real meltdown and an explosion and all I want is peace.

Eldest told me “I do have some traits of Aspergers Syndrome because I cannot read facial signs and I have to stand on my tip toes” this was huge for him acknowledging this out loud, I waited to see if he said more about it so I could open up a proper conversation but no, he just walked away, he was too hot to even think straight.

16^th June

I'm tired, drained, miserable and lonely. My friend K has been texting me so I said I will meet her tonight because I've not seen our class group for a couple of weeks now.

My eldest came into the kitchen, he's not happy, he never is, I asked him “are you okay” he answered “no my computer isn't working” I asked him “are you hungry” he just ignored me. Ignoramus, I could throttle him.

Postman came and no maintenance arrived, fuck sake.

Weird lumps have come up on my arms, stress is a bollix.

I'm getting on with the almost impossible task of finding out the full amount the ex owes in maintenance because he's not stuck to the court order at all. It's supposed to be paid every Friday, so how the hell he keeps getting away with this I do not know. It took me 48 hours to track all payment made to the court, to my bank, by western union and by postal order, thank god I keep all receipts so I have a clear record. He owes me to date €1,580 because I'm only allowed to calculate 6 months of arrears, all other non payment dates cannot be counted and I didn't even think or add the cost of Xmas or school stuff for my youngest and the expense when my youngest was not at school and at home 24 hours a day. This country is all for men and has no respect for women.

17^th June

I had to cancel my meeting with Martin at Gheel. I'm feeling ill and I cannot afford the €20 it costs to get me there and back by taxi.

I'm getting seriously worried about youngest, he never goes out except to the local shop, a mere minute away or he comes out with me, he has no mates, he's become a terrible racist even tho he was not brought up with that kind of language at all. I blame my eldest who only talks to my youngest when he's on his soap box and needs an audience for his ranting and raving about the BNP and trying to get my youngest to agree with him. All youngest talks about is guns, knives and Pokemon. Surely that's not normal.

I had a chat with my adopted daughter T, she has passed her exams so hopes she can pass her degree exams too. It will be a great future for her and her child.

My eldest came downstairs, he wants “all books on Celtic history, paganism” etc. he goes on to tell me all that he knows, can he not see for himself how drained and down I am. He told me “you have to write out a detailed time line of what I need to do to eventually become a solicitor”

Got an email from the ex that he also forwarded to all his friends about “the power of words, how they can hurt and pierce the heart and brain” I really should have replied reminding him that we all thought our names for a long time were “Psychopathic Bitch” for me, “Psychopathic Cunt” for my eldest and “her fucking mini me” for my youngest. That man really is a twat.

18^th June

Missed a call from my ex at 9.25am he must be bored, I didn't answer. No voice mail was left.

Text from the ex at 9.26am “Still not got both mortgage statements, Did you ask for one or both. why do you need them? You agreed to sign over your interest for 15K . Have you withdrawn that? ”

God knows what he's up to now, I agreed to nothing of the sort. He appears not to remember his own words “thinking 10 or 15 grand at a stretch but will need to get the figures done first and will put that at the top of my list of things to do then will get back to you”

I rang a solicitor for advice, she said “do not agree to anything, get him to give you a formal offer” so I sent him a text. “I told you I needed the mortgage statement for my solicitor, you told me a letter arrived in both our names and I asked you to send a copy of it to the agency I trust. You did not get back to me with a formal offer, you last told me that you were giving it serious thought and said no more about it. It would be appreciated if you made a formal offer, you are now seriously in arrears of maintenance”

His reply at 3.07pm “If you are getting a solicitor involved, you can kiss goodbye to all goodwill and add hugely to the costs. What about our separation agreement? Solicitors do not work for us, only for themselves causing dissent and pushing up costs. They are in it to make as much money as they can- evil people. I had set aside Friday to do my accounts but now have two urgent and unavoidable jobs to do tomorrow. Will see what I can do and get back to you about an offer”

So much about the “power of words” crap he sent me and all his friends. Twat. I didn't bother replying.

My eldest has seriously pissed me off. I spent all morning on the phone to the Examination Board, a man called D O’N couldn't believe my eldest has had no education in three years. He told me what the law was, I told him to take it up with the powers that be and I would be grateful if he answered my questions, how does my son who does not leave the house sit exams. He told me, yes my eldest can sit his exams in the refuge office if they agree to it, but he has to be registered with a school and follow their syllabus. He took all my eldests details plus his Junior Cert results and told me he would advise my eldest to go straight for the Leaving Cert as the Junior Cert is not that important.

I told my eldest all I was told by D. O'N till I was blue in the face but he's insisting he re sits his Junior Cert so he can gets all A's.

I rang an Education Welfare help line to get some information for my youngest. I spoke to Joe, a nice man, I was on phone for ages with him. For my youngest to do an apprenticeship he has to find someone to take him on himself and then contact FAS and tell them but the way things are, it wont be easy I was told.

I found out that Kilroy college do the Leaving Cert online.

I printed out loads of info on all Leaving Cert subjects for my eldest then found out from the same website that they do IT by Distance Learning. I printed all that out too and took everything up to him and all he could say was “you never fucking listen to me, you never listen to a fucking word I say, I cannot learn online because I cannot read from a computer” He's a liar, all his learning to date about the frigging BNP has been done online. I wilted at his non stop negativity, I said “I've spent hours on the phone and used up all my ink printing this stuff for you, I didn't ask you to read anything on your computer, why do I have all these pages in my hand for you to read” and I walked out of his room. The ungrateful sod.

I sat with my head in my hands at the kitchen table. I have so much court stuff to get in order and I just wasted a whole morning for what, not even a thank you did I get. He later came into the kitchen when I was surrounded with documents trying to put them in order for my court file and said to me “I want money on my 3V card,” there was no please, there was no asking me if I had the time, no asking if I could, there was just a bloody demand. And I always tell myself that I give in to his demands for an easy life but there is nothing frigging easy had in this life.

Went into town with my youngest, he was moaning and back chatting me. I told him “I will be found one day swinging from a rope between you and your brother always on at me” he said “and what am I to do with that information then” I said “do what you like because you're both going to drive me insane” He said “sorry” He wanted his new PPS changed for a second hand DS Lite and games. I bought my eldest an X Box 360 game whilst at Game Stop, I will see if that puts a smile on his miserable face.

My ankles were playing up again, we got a taxi back, my youngest was mouthing off to the taxi driver talking about women drivers, he was back chatting me, interrupting and disagreeing at what I was saying to the driver, the final straw was him telling the driver “we all should be carrying knives and guns to protect ourselves” I was mortified and not just with the look on the drivers face. As soon as I got out of the cab I exploded at my youngest in the street, I knew it would embarrass him and he needed to be embarrassed just like he'd just done to me in the back of that cab, I was effin and blinding and roaring at him, he did not like it one bit, he kept very quiet, I was still roaring at him, “are you embarrassed now? how do you like being on the receiving end? Not one word came out of him. He did not come downstairs for the rest of the night. And I could not have cared less.

19^th June

I lay in my bed this morning just thinking I can't do this any more. Both my children are acting mental. Why am I putting myself at their beck and call when they have not a thought in their puerile brain for their mother. I want out of this, I want gone from this, this will never change, they will never change. I have no one, no one to help me. Yes I have T but she is young and has her own life to live. Yes I have C but I do not burden her and we only speak on the phone once a month, she has her hands full with family and college and has her life long friends. I have started having internal shaking, really bad headaches and my nerves are always on edge, my skin is always erupting with eczema like a bloody Gremlin who has had water poured over it, this is not normal at all.

My youngest said “I gave the game you bought to eldest who said “why the fuck would I want that then” Horrible boy that he is.

Text from the ex at 9.14am “Hello Anne, hope all is well with you and the boys. A friend of mine is moving out of their flat in Dublin soon and is giving away a large sofa and armchair. Get back to me :J)

That is the second time in 19 years that he has addressed me as “Anne” I smell a big, fat rat. He must be up to something, even tho I would be desperate for furniture, no way would I accept anything from him, he would find out my address. I was astounded that he even acknowledged and asked after my sons, yes, something is amiss or he is trying to impress someone. He can frig off.

I don't know why but my mind was all over the place trying to analyse that mad man's motives and what he was playing at. Nasty text, nice text, nasty text, I believe he was dictating to someone else what to write as some texts are not written the way he normally writes. I think I will go slightly insane even trying to work this out.

I rang the court, the clerk woman was working all on her own, I had a chat with her, I told her he owes me over a thousand in arrears now and I refuse to live like this because I have a court order, she said she would go thru the file and send me out a form to get the arrears paid but only for the past 6 months, it's the law. Frigging cheek of that. The law would be changed quick enough I'm sure if it were men “left holding the baby”

Rang TSB 12 noon, spoke to David, I requested mortgage statements. I was told they had been posted out to family home but the ex is claiming he's not received anything, David said he will post them again.

Text from the ex “Im at de court, did ya work out maint, is it one week or 2? It was sent from one of his two mobile phones but it's not him texting. I don't care as long as I get what he owes.

Both my sons are still in bed at 3pm. I went to the village for shopping. They didn't eat dinner till 7pm. I gave my eldest a tablet. I was actually praying he didn't come near me once the tablet had kicked in and then start lecturing me on subjects I'm not in the least bit interested in. I need to work out how I get back to “I am the parent” mode because they are walking all over me and wiping their bloody feet on me too, I'm sick of being bullied into submission, I'm scared of my own son. This is worse than the marriage I left because I do not know how to escape this. I want to work out how I get back in charge again as the adult, as the parent. My eldest needs to get a life of his own without demanding I do everything for him and punishing me when I do not or cannot or do not do it fast enough then ignores me when I talk to him, screams abuse at me, rips into me verbally about all that he thinks I am or I should be, he will not eat the meals I make when he gets the hump for god knows what reason. He blames me for everything.

My youngest needs to stand on his own two feet and get out of the house and have friends. No matter what the refuge offers him in the way of days out which will give me a break too he just refuses and I'm desperate for a break. He needs to get out of his room before it affects his mental health and mine and he needs to quit the disgusting racist talk that he knows upsets me.

I need to get secure and permanent housing for life. I need a job and not just for the money, so that I can have friends of my own, a routine, structure. I want to continue my education, get counselling and have peace and peace of mind. I need to learn to drive to give me a bit of freedom and independence. I know I have always been too afraid to take risks because I always think what would happen to the boys if anything happened to me. I'm still living this life for others and not for me and it is my life. I need adult company with people who have interests like me. I need to find an Indian Head Massage class so I can qualify and eventually have my own business.

20^th June

I asked my youngest to come to the village with me to get some shopping, no sooner were we out walking when he started on about “all women are bitches and whores” how “we need guns and knives to carry at all times” and I lost it. I told him “frig off back to the house, I do not want you anywhere near me” and while I was on my own soap box I told him a few ground rules ending with “if you don't like them you can leave and go live on your own somewhere and the same goes for your brother because I'm sick of the pair of you” I think he was shocked, well shocked into silence anyway.

I was talking to T who was at an Oasis concert in Meath then once I'd finished talking to her I put on my relaxation music in my room and heard my eldest come out for the toilet and I started shaking from head to toe in case he came into my room to “talk” to me. I never in a million years thought I would ever react like this with my own son. I really need help before this kills me.

I need to chase up counselling, there is a long waiting list but if I do not get all this out of me I am convinced that I will crack up completely.

My youngest having had a blast of my vocabulary walking to the village decided to forget all I'd said and came into the living room and plagued the hell out of me, talking about a specific knife, asking me “what do you have against them” I told him “it's not up for discussion so change the subject” he said “I only wants to have a conversation” I told him “you only want an argument and I'm not biting your fishing line and any more out of you after I repeatedly told you to stop talking about knives then I'm leaving because you are both reared” he said “you can't, you're a mum” I said “I'm a mug more like and I once had a mum and she didn't hang around at all but I did and I have and I do and look at the thanks I get, none whatsoever” He left me whilst I was still talking to him, he just walked out of the room. I heard him whisper to his brother and I thought to myself oh shit what have you done girl, the only time they ever talk to each other is to gang up on me but no feet came running down the stairs. What a bloody position to be in, it's my house but it's no sanctuary.

The thing is, I could never leave them and they know it. My heart will not let me.

All I ever wanted out of life was to be happy, to be loved, to feel secure and safe, a better life for my children, better than it was for me.

22^nd June

Me and my youngest went to Phoenix park to hire bikes, we had a great time for 4 hours, neither of us could walk properly afterwards, our legs were like jelly, it was a great day, we laughed non stop. He was great company.

I rang Carol Doolan, the Disability Manager, she is now back from her holidays but was not in the office. I left my numbers.

She rang me at 2.50pm, she said “I and Peter Byrne did not have a meeting about your family, we attended a normal weekly meeting and I brought your name up to Peter afterwards” I asked her for a meeting, I was given Monday 29^th at 10am.

My eldest asked “have you heard anything back from the HSE about funding for my education yet because I want to be a Barrister” I told him “I have a meeting on Monday and will talk to Gheel Autism Services about it too”

I rang Peter Byrne, the CEO at Gheel and told him “I had a talk with my eldest re what he would like and he wants an education but I have exhausted all avenues myself and need your input now” He said “talk to Martin about it because it's the same as talking to me” I said “I see Martin to vent” Peter said “it's the same thing” I don't know what the hell this place is about, I didn't bother going back to Martin, he has as much social skills as my son. What is needed is practical help.

24^th June

I got maintenance of €140 plus a recovery of maintenance form from the court clerk in the post. She said just sign it and I will fill in the rest. I sent it back with a letter of how no maintenance or late maintenance impacts on me and the kids, I said I wanted the judge to read it.

25^th June

Michael Jackson died, I cannot believe it, he's been my idol since age 13. my eldest came to tell me in the early hours of the morning, I thought it was a sick joke, he said “he deserves to die, he's a fucking paedophile anyway” he woke my youngest up to tell him and they were laughing about it. I felt sick to my stomach, they know how much I love Michael Jackson. I'm convinced they are sick in the head.

I have taken two driving lessons and I cannot believe I'm doing it, I drove round the coast road just to get used to it, my knees were knocking but I'm so proud of myself.

26^th June

I got an acknowledgement letter re my request for files under the freedom of info act. I could not believe it when I saw the letter was from Mary Kellegher, the very same woman who advised me to get my eldest away from cottage where all abuse took place etc.

29^th June

I met Carol Doolan the Disability Manager, she introduced me to a woman called Teresa “who deals with Five years and younger with Autism” I asked Carol Doolan “have you read the HSE file from where we came from” She said “no” but there was a very large file on the table between us. I gave Carol Doolan my copy of Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations, she left the room to get it copied. Teresa was left talking to me, she told me “don't worry, I've worked with many families who are dysfunctional” I was speechless, fucking speechless and I normally never am. Carol Doolan returned, she said “I will talk to Peter Byrne of Gheel and see what's needed regards the file, but your eldest needs to be on the Dublin's database before anything can be done” I told her “he's on the other places database” she said “it's not as simple as that” I reminded her “I've been told this for two months now so why is my son not already on this database, what happens when my eldest turns 18” the meeting was ended, Carol Doolan said “anything you need just call me or go through Gheel” I asked “what happens now because I've been in this situation since 2006 and I'm tired, weary and very stressed” she said “we can talk later or you can talk to Gheel yourself” I was asked “is it an HSE diagnosis” As if this changes my son's Autism, the fools. It clearly states on his report that the HSE from the other county we lived in asked Dr Shah for it.

I got told Legal Aid have a very long waiting list, they said “it's gone thru the roof” so they do not know when I will be seen, I asked a solicitor if she would take on my case and gave her all my documents. I've seen her twice and rang her twice, she handed me over to her colleague who deals with Family Law then I got a letter in the post asking me for €2000 upfront. I do not have €2 spare to my name.

30^th June

I rang Carol Doolan the Disability Managers office. I spoke to a Rosalyn, I told her “I need to speak to Carol Doolan because I cannot cope alone any more” she said “I will talk to Carol Doolan and get back to you”

Carol Doolan rang me, she said “I've contacted Aspire” I told her “Aspire are the only people who have supported me weekly by telephone since 2007, it's services I need because I'm going to crack up, I need a break” She said “do not refuse help” I asked her “what help” she said “you need to tell Aspire that telephone contact is not enough and you want them in your house face to face” I said “are you joking, the whole point is I'm isolated and I don't want to be in the house, there must be services and support in Dublin and I need respite” She asked “will you do a CE course” I told her “you should know as a carer I'm only allowed to do 15 hours per week outside the house and all CE courses are 19 and a half hours” she said “If I hear anything like home help work I will let you know” I said “I have a brain and I'm an educated woman and it's a break I need and my son's report from the Autism expert implemented” she said “I have to run, I have a meeting to attend and I'm running late, we'll chat another time”

I went to bed as my eldest was just getting up but he sought me out for company, he asked me to watch you tube clips with him. I did, till 4am. It's always unusual he seeks me out like this so I never say no. He said his father sent him a friend request on Face book but youngest didn't get one. That bastard playing the divide and conquer card again, he must sick in the fucking head.

1^st July

I started counselling and saw a lady called Monica, I had to get the Dart to town then it was 12 stops on the Luas. I told Monica I don't think I can do this journey every week. She told me she didn't know how I've coped this far. I told her I didn't think I was coping.

Found out online the ex who's claiming poverty for court purposes wrote on his Face Book page “bulk buying organic food if anyone wants to order” plus “went in for a plectrum and came out with a 12 string guitar” plus “open house party” plus “attending Celtic way Healing and Bard sessions with a guest” the cost of that is €750 per person and near the village we used to live in when my youngest broke both wrists, how ironic. I'm fit to be tied. It must be great to have money to burn, time, freedom and no fucking responsibility. The bastard. He had the pure cheek to use a photo of him with my sons as his profile photo.

I had a two hour driving lesson, the young Polish lad instructor made me go up the Malahide Road, he ended up almost having kittens and was slapping me on the thigh because I kept forgetting to slow down going over the speed bumps and our heads were bouncing off the roof, I was a nervous wreck, the last straw for him was me mounting the pavement, his face was a picture, the poor man, I drove myself home and he told me to ask for lessons in the afternoons when he's not there. I pissed myself laughing and could hardly get the story out when I told K because I was laughing so much. Laughter is definitely good for the soul.

3^rd July

I was waiting outside the refuge office for M to come with me to Gheel Autism services when the postman came into the cul de sac. I asked him if he had anything for me, he handed me a letter from the solicitors telling me that she cannot work for me because the solicitor B. M wrote to her saying she would not hand over my file because she's not been paid, to further rub salt into the wound she wanted over €500. I nearly fell apart. The refuge support worker I had complained about asked me what was wrong and I told her I was so upset at yet another knock back and she took my letter out of my hands and said she was copying it for my file. Only after she had photo copied it did she ask me if it was okay for her to do it. I was fuming, that girl has no respect for anyone, that's my personal mail she just took off me and copied.

I was upset and angry at B. M, solicitor. I should have had a legal separation by now if she had not back tracked when the agency I trust asked me to ask her where we were with it all and she dumped me and told me to get Legal Aid because she had employed the ex twice to go into her office and fix her computer and he kept her old hard drive with all her clients details on it including mine. I really should have reported her to the law society.

Into Gheel to see Martin who's job it was to teach me all about Aspergers. I was still upset about the solicitor letter but Martin told me “leave those problems outside the door, this appointment is for you to learn about Aspergers” M the refuge escort told him “if mum is upset it will affect her children so it's best she's upset here and not at home in front of the children” He put on a DVD of a lad who has Aspergers who was filmed in a school talking about his friends, playing football, talking about his family and his home life. My son is not in a school, he has no friends and has no family other than me and youngest and he has no home or life. I was so upset, I told Martin “I'm happy for that boy but my son is not like that, my son has not left the frigging house for three years except for moving or an emergency” I told M the refuge escort I wanted to leave. How was this teaching me anything about Aspergers, it's not like a condom, a one size fits all, how are this agency calling themselves an Autism service, to just stick on a DVD and expect that to teach me anything, my son is not a condition, my son is not a syndrome, he's a person in his own right. This is fucking madness. I told Martin “my eldest finds living in Dublin now very stressful and is asking to move to the country” Martin said “your problems will only go with you” I said “I'm fully aware of that but the way my eldest is now towards me, always bad tempered means I will do anything to reduce his anxiety levels and if this means moving to the country then so be it” I asked if he would “give me a letter of support so I could send to the council explaining all re Autism” Martin said “all anyone needs to do is Google it and they can read all about it” I have no idea what the hell he is doing working there. He is useless, he acts bored and has no interest in helping.

Walking back with M the refuge escort I saw an elderly man trying and failing to get an arm chair thru his front door so I went and helped him. I was so upset about everything I couldn't even speak to M on the walk back.

I sent off letters of request under the freedom of info act for all files.

3^rd July

Spoke to N about my sons asking to move and their reasons why, I said I will do anything just to keep the peace because I now need it badly. N said it's natural that they would want to be where they spent the most time. She said she will advocate on my behalf.

Had to take my youngests cat to the vet, he had breathing problems, 2 injections and tablets cost €45. A poor elderly lady came into the waiting area crying, her little dog had just been put down. Everyone there was staring at her. I went up to her and hugged her, all she wanted was to talk to someone about her dog and to be comforted. The poor lady.

Education Welfare sent me a text. She has sent a letter to FAS so that my youngest can get registered with them.

I'm seriously thinking about buying a thick chain and tying myself to the Dial or the four courts because I need a solicitor fast, to stop my ex from spending all funds before my divorce. I haven't got an ounce of luck.

4^th July

My eldest wont use his exercise bike, he said “it keeps clicking so I want a new one” so me and youngest went out and got him one from Argos, it weighed a frigging tonne, our hands were blistered to buggery.

6^th July

Rang Legal Aid, they told me I am 29^th on the list. A copy of my wedding cert arrived from London.

7^th July

FAS with my youngest to get him registered. A stupid man was more interested in talking about himself. He told us that my youngest needs to find his own employer to get an apprenticeship with and also said he has to have 5 passes in his Junior Cert.

Rang Chorus because my sky news channel had gone off, the silly cow I spoke to cut off every channel, they are a shockingly bad company. I was fuming because I wanted to see Michael Jackson memorial service on the tele.

Went to FLAC in Ballymun, the man I saw kept looking everywhere but at me. He told me “stick with legal Aid” he said “they can pay B. M, your old solicitor out of any settlement so not to worry about her bill” he said “I think it's strange B.M dropping you and telling you to get legal aid, I know her, she's a formidable woman” I said “she was fine enough till I told her the ex who she had in her office twice to repair her computer had removed and kept her old hard drive, then she dumped me” He told me “I work for the government” and advised me “get a TD to plead the urgency of this case as it's gone on for too long and the ex and you will have to prove where all the money has gone” He told me to “write to TSB by registered post saying you are worried about the people you saw in the family home as this may deplete the value of the house” He told me “go back to the court and ask for an increase as maintenance should increase year by year”

I was fumigating the living room and had all the floors washed when I decided to move the horse hair couch, I slipped on the still wet floor, my feet went back but my body went forwards and my nose ended up in middle of the couch, the crochet hook I had in my hand nearly went into my eye and my wrist bent right back, I was in such agony that I screamed. My youngest put ice on my wrist for me.

My eldest came down and said “I want to move quickly” as if I had a magic bloody wand, I stayed up with him till midnight. I couldn't read my book in bed because my wrist was so painful. In the early hours of the morning I woke up and couldn't lift my arm off the bed, the pain was horrendous. I went to casualty at 3.45am by cab and got seen at 8.20am, I was given head tripping pain killers by the nurse and told her I felt very strange, she said “you are tripping” I said “I do not like this, I feel awful sick and faint” so she took me into her side room because I had turned as “white as a sheet” I saw a doctor, got an x ray and I've fractured my scaphoid bone, the thumb side of my wrist, the doctor put a splint on it. I was told to return next Tuesday at 9.45am. Home by cab via McDonald’s to get a breakfast for my sons because I needed some sleep and they hadn't a clue I was not at home. Only my youngest showed me any concern and made me cups of tea.

8^th July

My friend K was having a small group of friends round at her house, her friend is a psychic, I went round and she saw me first. I was sceptical because K could have told her some things about me but I was pleasantly surprised because she does not know everything about me.

The woman asked me “Is there an S name” (my maiden name)

“Is there a P name, an aggressor, can see headaches you suffer caused by this name, is a controller, makes you feel weak but you are not so stop torturing yourself, you are low in self esteem and self worth, you are hurting, let go and move on to new beginnings”

“Do not let the controller, manipulator, liar, sly and sneaky one ever drag you back, you speak your truth, it's time to speak your truth, this P may be good to everybody else, be seen as the best in the world but it's not true, you know this and P name wants this side hidden, kept well hidden, will try and sweet talk you into all remaining hidden, do not fall for the same old games, knows your buttons, knows exactly what to say to keep you trapped in a cycle, very clever man, cut the ties and the lies, the truth will come out”

“You are homely, motherly, everyone's safety net. Stop being everything to everyone, you need a kick, you are too tired and drained, enough is enough now. You have left troubles before and coped and you will cope again. It is now coming to an end. You are psychic and have a gift and can use it to help others, for the good of others. Good news is on the way, a message. All is not lost, you do have more strength, you just don't think you do”

“You have a fear of moving on, lots of restrictions due to circumstances, being manipulated and feel trapped”

“You are spiritual and believe in angels”

“Who is the letter T” (my darling friend T)

“You cannot take any more, your load is too heavy, something has to give, mental anguish, you need professional help for yourself, it feels too much for one person to cope with, you cannot carry on as you have been doing, it's not healthy, your health is at serious risk. You feel stuck emotionally. You have had a sad loss and are still grieving. I see a hospital bed, high blood pressure, get checked out, could be you or a child”

“Very difficult decisions have to be made”

“You have erected a high frosty wall to keep anyone from coming near. Well earned victory ahead, worked hard to get. Major changes ahead, a mountain to climb. If you change, I see a child change, lay down the law, your rules, stick to your guns”

“Child living in own hell, has problems you cannot help with, needs appropriate expert help with like minded others, you're not helping, you're enabling, let go to place of help, get normality back for yourself. Will become closer to child on a different level, no longer from fear. Emotional crisis coming, make sure you eat properly”

“See a child vulnerable and easily led, watch and take action for their own good. Reaching end of a cycle Does 13 mean anything to you or the 1^st of the 3^rd or 3^rd of the 1^st”

“One more big crisis then all forward”

“Is your youngest child a boy, he will marry a gentle girl who you will get on with. He buries his head in the sand. Is moody, could be his age. Is good with money, attracts it but pours thru his fingers. Is creative. Is at a low point, is emotional by nature, will learn the hard way, will not take an easy route thru life, is sensitive and sad but also fierce. Is hiding something from you that he's afraid to disclose but he will get thru it”

I was not convinced, she got a lot correct and it was good to get out of the house and be with adults. The woman gave me a hug when I left K's then she started crying, she said “I have other things to tell you but said you're not ready for it yet” I started to panic but she said “you have no reason to panic, I can feel the load you're carrying which is why I'm crying” She said she will meet up with me again in about 6 months to a year.

10^th July

Been having murders with chorus, the engineer was supposed to arrive between 1pm and 6 pm but was a no show. I have spoken to a Kiara, an Yvonne, a Carol and a Majella all on different occasions. End story is “it's a glitch” and they will credit my account. All I want is a working TV.

Rang court, asked the clerk “what's happening about the recovery of maintenance form I sent in” She said “I rang him and he told me he paid the money to you directly” I told her “did he fuck and I can prove it and why has nothing been down about my form” She said “I will get it done” FFS.

11^th July

Text from the ex “I'm taking you back to court for access” He is unreal, and very, very stupid. It's just revenge I suppose on getting a call from the court. my youngest is bloody 16 and my eldest 17, he would be laughed out of the court.

14^th July

Back to the hospital for my wrist to be checked, the bone has now healed but the Consultant was furious because the doctor I saw in casualty had put a right handed splint on my left hand. She said “I'm not surprised you're still in pain” she said the x-ray showed my arthritis has gotten worse. She said continue to wear the now correct splint for a bit longer and it will help reduce the pain.

€420 maintenance arrived, I got my rent and bills up to date, I gave my youngest €50. my eldest send me to town because he now wants a PSP and games.

21^st July

Rang Freedom of Info and asked for D. I got told she was out of the office, the bloke sounded bored, I asked to speak to someone else, he said “that would be me then” I asked for his name, he said it's J P I said, like the pope, he was not impressed by that, he probably heard it all the time, he then said D was on holiday, I asked why he told me she was out of the office because I would have been calling again, he said sorry if I misled you and she'll be back on Monday. I then introduced myself to him and he told me he was right now writing a letter to me to tell me they need an extension on the dead line for my request for files, I asked why, he said we do not have enough staff and he's working on his own. I asked why the woman was on holiday then when the law is not being upheld due to staff shortages, I then asked him for a job, he laughed and told me he was covering 4 counties requests on his own. I felt sorry for him.

Rang Donegal Land Registry re photo's of the ex on Face Book renovating a large property entitled “Bundoran/Donegal. I spoke to a lovely lad, he checked the surname for me but nothing came up.

Saw TD F McG, he was amazed Jimmy Devins had done nothing for me because he said “he's the Minister for Health and Children” I left copies of all my files, he said he would go thru them and get back to me.

23^rd July

My eldest kept me up late because wanted me to watch you tube clips with him, he knows I go to bed early but he doesn't seek me out very often just for company so I stayed awake till the early hours with him, all was normal with us. It was great.

27^th July

I put my back out, I have severe muscle spasms, I went up to Dr but he just gave me Valium, the woman in the chemist got me water so I could take one of the tablets, she said I would be better going up to casualty but that would mean many hours of waiting. I could almost do the Highland Fling after taking one of those tablets and I met my friend K at the bus stop on my slow walk back to the house.

28^th July

I rang D the Freedom of Info woman, She said “we are like a court house with all the files and only me and J P are working here and we're snowed under, the delay is only due to the large number of requests we've had” She said “any third party involvement will not be included” I said I didn't understand, she told me “any contact re your ex husband, either by phone, letter or interview” I said “I'm still married to him unfortunately” then asked “why would he be on any file re my family because he's been out of the loop a very long time” Her saying this told me that Del and Emlyn went over my head when I demanded they never contact him at all re me and my kids. D said “the same would be told to him” She said “you will only get anything that's typed, as you know yourself anything hand written is difficult to read” She asked “can you wait a few weeks” I said “sorry no, I'm overwhelmed with documentation myself to get ready for court” She said “how's your son” then said “it must be difficult for you, do you want the Psych file too” I said “I hadn't requested that one but will be grateful if you could send everything to me” She said “if your son is 18 he will have to apply himself” I said “it's not relevant because he's not 18” She asked for my numbers then said “I will contact you if any issues arise” Nice woman.

I rang T and told her what D said to me about “hand written files” and T said “That's bullshit, even if the files are in Double Dutch you're still entitled to anything and everything in all files they have” I said “I will wait and see what arrives because I like the woman I spoke to and don't want to stress her out because she's weighed down with work”

29^th July

I rang the court clerk and told her “I'm still out of pocket re maintenance” She said “the court is now closed but emergency sessions still sit in another county” but I live 3 hours away by train. She told me “I have asked him to make payments more frequently” asked him!!! This is now beyond a joke. I told her “I will send all proof of payments made and not made” she said “no, you keep them for yourself for court” No one really cares a jot.

My eldest wanted new head phones then changed his mind and wanted me to get him a CD’s instead. Me and my youngest walked round the town for hours trying to find it for him,

30^th July

Eldest is in a terrible bad mood. I took his tablet up to him, he was still lying in bed, he said “don’t fucking want them, they don't fucking work, the only thing that will work is zanbar ? why can't you go fucking get them” He said “I'm still hyper and anxious” I told him “you have to be seen by the doctor and I can get you seen as the last patient so there won't be many other people there” He said “I'm not seeing anyone” He then said “when we move down the country I won't get no fucking medication at all” He's driving me nuts. He's such hard work on an hour by hour basis.

I was worried sick at the thought of being left the whole of August with no maintenance because the ex knows the court will be closed. I told my refuge support worker this and she rang the court for me. She was told the clerk had tried contacting him but he was not responding and she'd left voice mails and said she will keep trying. The refuge support worker told me to take it to the other county and stop his on going financial control once and for all.

I googled his self employed name and up popped the cottage land line number, there was no voice mail facility, it just said “please try again later”

I rang his mobile and was shocked when he answered it. I said “why are you not replying to the court who have been leaving you voice mails” he said “I've had no calls from court (liar) I was in the court last week and told I only owe you €100” I said “you should know yourself how much you owe me, I certainly do” He said “I have no money and have maxed out my overdraft” I said “you told me that you sold your share of the London property to your brother” a long pause from him followed by, “well, that's in England and anyway I'm in bed with a migraine” I told him “take two painkillers then, migraines do not affect your legs so get your maintenance paid today” That apology of a man is a tosser.

I rang M to tell her, she said log the call, I said I always do.

Text from the ex at 4.59pm “ Have just paid €340 to the court, will pay the remainder next week” For someone to have earlier claimed he had no money in bank, he found it pretty quick after a phone call from me, thank god.

4^th August

My friend K's hen night, T came with me. It was 70's theme. T crimped my hair then was doubled up with laughter at her handiwork, I said “I look like Fizz from Coronation Street. T was in stitches with laughter. I drank pints of water all night because I danced my socks off. It was just fantastic to be out on a social night out.

8^th August

My eldest insisted I typed out all he said about what his dad did to him. He told me “do not speak and just listen” and “get the format correct as far as paragraphs go” and “make sure you get the grammar correct or there is no point doing it” he wanted me to “promise and make sure that the solicitor you get and the judge gets a copy” He got anxious, upset and angry talking about all that went on “a doctor was brought into the house because I wouldn't open my door when dad was calling me to do so” He said “I cannot understand any man especially a dad cruelly treating his own child in that way” and “I'm scared in case I turn out like dad” he said “I will never get married or have kids in case I turn out like him” I told him “you won't turn out like him because you're far too much like me” he was happy about that, he even smiled. He said “I don't want to talk about it any more, I need to go and lie down, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack”

My youngest came in at the wrong moment which annoyed eldest and he started with his threats “get the fuck out unless you want to die, you need a serious good and hard beating, do you want the shit kicked out of you, fuck off, get the fuck out” I put my finger to my lips to tell my youngest not to say a word back, my youngest understood and walked out of the kitchen into the living room. I had to whisper to my youngest about what was going on with his brother.

I received maintenance and didn't even have to chase him or beg for it.

12^th August

I watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, my favourite childhood film on TV with my youngest, he sat with me for an hour, he's not done this since leaving the last place we lived in. It was lovely.

14^th August

My eldest wanted me to go to town and get him a Les Paul guitar. A crazy waste of money. He came downstairs later, in a better mood. I spent the rest of the day watching you tube clips with him.

10^th August

I went to legal aid with M my refuge support worker but she wasn't allowed in with me. I was there for two hours giving all details and a ghoul called Mary who said not one word, not even a hello was just sitting writing all that was being said. The solicitor advised me “wait till October and go straight for divorce” “you can apply then and this will find out where all funds went to thru a discovery” I'm so pleased the legal ball is rolling now, I gave her a copy of my son's statement of life with dad.

15^th August

I found a 3 bed house online, no minimum lease and can buy after 2 years, I showed my eldest, he said “too fucking small, why do you never fucking listen to me, I want an office” It crossed my mind to get it for myself and leave him here on his own, that would soften his cough as I've heard T say often.

18^th August

Found an Aspergers Training day, it cost me €60 plus €20 in fares to get there and back, I was the only parent there, the rest were child care workers and professionals, they had their fee paid for by their workplaces and the HSE, something is fucked up in this country. I learnt nothing, all again treated Aspergers as a condom, a one size fits all. I filled them all in on what Aspergers really was like for my eldest and for me living with it.

19^th August

A huge file came from D, the Freedom of Info woman. She was correct, it was impossible to read the bad writing. It's full of crap and made up nonsense, it will take ages for me to go thru them and digest what's in them.

1/ Initial assessment Record

• my eldest is down as Catholic, he's not. I told them he was baptised Church of England
• Mother sent a letter to Pat Dolan (local health manager) requesting funding for eldest to be accommodated in a Dublin based residential facility at a cost of €20,000 per month. Eldest has a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. Pat Dolan in turn contacted Anne Kelly (principal social worker) asking that she convene a meeting of professionals with a view to putting together a package of support for eldest and his family (as an alternative to residential care in Dublin) A meeting was convened and a package of support was devised. This package was presented to the mother and was accepted. This package included input from Home Youth Liaison Service, Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, Autism Services, Special Needs Counsellor, Education Welfare Officer, Occupational Therapist, Psychology and Social Work.

What a crock of utter fabricated, made up shit. I had agreed to nothing at all. Nua Health care is in Kildare and not in Dublin. Not one person told me the cost of Nua Health care. I contacted Education Welfare MYSELF when I contacted M and A. 

Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services where Dr Creane and the Consultant Psychiatrist Don McDwyer was based did nothing to help, not one appointment was given to my eldest after his initial assessment with those idiots. 

I never met any Special Needs Counsellor. 

The Occupational Therapist sent a letter for speech therapy for my eldest which was a nonsense in itself. 

The Psychology was Marise and all this was cocked up too as per my previous Journal

• Marise feels that whilst eldest does have Aspergers Syndrome he is also a troubled boy arising out of his childhood experiences to date and as such Aspergers is one aspect of eldests situation, Marise feels that that there is work that a psychologist could do that is not related to him having Aspergers. Marise also believes that eldests troubled history also needs to be seen as part of his current presentation.
• Marise feels that eldest's father's input into the family history is hugely important and pointed out to date we have not had that input. Marise explained that in looking at the situation, an assessment of Anne and her experience would be an important part of addressing the family as a whole. Marise feels that there are difficulties in the family that do not reside with eldest and that these need to be addressed also.

She has some fucking neck saying all this. She wouldn't let my eldest talk at all about his father, about all he did to him in the cottage. She did not listen to him telling her his “troubled history” and she asked him to stop by putting her hand up palm out to tell him to stop. I repeatedly told her that his problems all stemmed from his father but did she listen, no, she focussed solely on getting him back to school.

“Difficulties in the family that do not reside with eldest” what the hell was she implying, that can only mean me and I want to know what this means. Two talks in person to me about my eldest and one phone call when I told her she'd messed up and she now says this. I want to know exactly what she meant and why. She never once said anything like this to me. And why was I then dumped by Del and why did she NEVER reply to my begging letter just before I found my eldest after he took an overdose. It just shows you what is said behind the scenes, what shit made up lies they put on record and you don't get to know any of this unless you apply for these files and how many people do apply for these files. It's an utter disgrace.

• Reason for referral: “Incident in family home, last night, Sunday, eldest and youngest fighting, eldest being very aggressive, mother asking for family support, unable to manage. Keen to talk at a length re all incidents, focussed on brief background and services already offered, it appears eldest will engage with nobody, did meet with child psychologist who mother states did diagnose with Aspergers but would not put it in writing, mother highly strung and needy, unable to separate her own needs from those of her children, has not engaged in services for herself, son now locked in bedroom, ascertained that he ate regularly, read books and had a computer in his room, suggested that lots of teenagers do this albeit he does have unacceptable behaviour. Brief history includes “mother appears to have a pattern of continually contacting services including and she named two services.

The above paragraph was written by Molly Flynn, the social worker I walked into for help. The incident in the rented home was my eldest hitting my youngest followed by my youngest running screaming into my room whilst I was asleep and he dived under my bed, I held the door closed to my eldest and he barged the door open which went over my foot, I was already on crutches, “Mother highly strung and needy” the pure fucking cheek of that, I was stressed out of my head and begging for help, is that not what they are there for. My eldest had a diagnosis of Aspergers and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Dr Amitta Shah had warned what he could be like. He'd also taken an overdose and not one fucker had done anything to help him regards that either. As for being unable to separate my needs from the boys, I had no fucking needs because my boys came first, isn't that what mothers do especially after all that was done by their father. She stated I had “not engaged in services for myself” but then contradicts herself by stating, mother appears to have a pattern of continually contacting services and she names TWO and both the services she mentioned are Domestic Violence agencies (and it took me 15 years to tell the truth of what was going on in my marriage) and the first was accessed by me after I first rang a priest when I was living in isolation in the cottage and had no access to money, transport, food, to anything, then I rang Women’s Aid who told me that F L S were my local point of help because I was continually left alone with the boys in an isolated cottage with no access to food, transport, money, shops, people, the main fuse removed from the electric box, the fuse removed from the plug of the family computer and much more. They gave me the courage to leave an abusive marriage. In London after my eldest told me about all he was suffering, which was domestic violence and abandonment I emailed FLS about it, because they knew me and helped me and were in the same area as my eldest and they contacted social work to look out for my son till I packed up and moved back to Ireland to get him. I had googled from the UK an advocacy service to help my eldest till I could get back for him and found the “agency I trust” and I rang them, only then did I find out they were a domestic violence advocacy service and I thank god the day I contacted them as they were an amazing support to me on my return and all thru court. I am shocked at how that Molly Flynn has described me on record, so flippantly with no full details. I wonder why she hadn't recorded anywhere what she said after her house visit to us “I can see lot of love in this house” These people fucking disgust me.

I sent a text to my friend asking if she could she come out to the house to see me.

My eldest spent all morning with me asking “I want to know what course I can do and when are you going to sort it” FFS I have tried everything and he refuses everything.

Text from the ex at 4.51pm “Paying maintenance now”

20^th August

No maintenance arrived despite the ex texting me he was paying it yesterday, I rang the court. The clerk said “he only came in on Thursday to pay” so why did he tell me he was paying maintenance on a Wednesday. Mental mind games again.

24^th August

I sent Mary Kellegher an email for help with housing because she was the person who advised we left the family home, she replied formally telling me that she had no authority to do so.

25^th August

Missed a phone call from N. She sent me an email, her kind words and praise had me in tears.

“Hi Anne, Thank you for sending me this information and your eldests testimony. He is indeed courageous to put all this in writing. Speaking out, being heard and being believed are essential steps to healing for someone who has been so traumatised and I am so glad that he has started to communicate more with you. I left a message on your phone today. I am here all day tomorrow so give me call if you would like to talk to me. We will do what we can to support you and I am already thinking of who else could be recruited to advance your application. As the main reasons for the move is your eldests health and welfare, I think our response would be to see who could be got on side to advocate for your move on these grounds. We will of course happily advocate for you in terms of the history of your contact with us and our knowledge of what you have gone through in the last few years. However, I think someone with expertise around Aspergers' would be really useful, can you think of anyone who could advocate for you on these grounds? You are an amazingly strong woman Anne and your boys are very lucky to have you. You have put your life on hold so many times to make sure you get the best deal for them. Lets hope this will be the one that works for you all”

My body is wrecked with stress again, bones and joints very sore, muscle spasms in back, eczema on wrists and between fingers. I'm falling apart.

My youngest told me he wants a Zooter for Xmas, I checked it out online, costs a bloody fortune and the cost of postage to get it over here is more than the thing costs.

I had a dream about losing my youngest and not being able to find him anywhere, when I told him he said “you have attachment issues” he's probably correct and he better be grateful that I have as I would be long gone if I hadn't.

1^st September

Went into town and bought my youngest new converse shoes, reduced by a fiver so I paid €50. Got him a new I Pod and put it away for Xmas.

My eldests computer parts were delivered, he's making his own computer. He started watching Big Brother with me on the TV.

Went to an Art Exhibition with K, they gave out free wine, she filled her boots and got happily tipsy, she made me laugh. I didn't have a drop, I detest wine.

8^th September

Went up to the school with my youngest to get his Junior Cert exams results. The Vice Principal is one of the most creepiest men I have ever encountered, he shakes your hand, his is all wet and slimy and he just keeps hold of your hand, UGH!! He insisted on taking us into his office, no other student got this treatment, I really do not like him, he then opened my youngests envelope, my youngest was not very happy about that because his name's on it and Mr W read out his results to us both, he got 4B's and I D so he has passed his Junior Cert exam despite no school and only a few weeks of tutoring, I am thrilled to bits for him, it means he can go and find someone to be an apprentice for. I'm so very proud of him, I gave him €20 and an early Xmas present of the I Pod, he was overjoyed about that. K gave him a congrats card with €25 in, she is very kind. I sent a text to the ex asking him to send his son a congratulations, he did not, no text, no email. The wicked bastard.

11^th September

Rang TSB, they are saying they've now sent out 5 separate letters with the mortgage statements in. I said I want the copies and I want them now because I am miles away from the former family home and I have no transport. I gave them the refuge office fax number and I had to send them all kinds of ID. They told me it would take a few days.

15^th September

Got a letter from another counties council, they want to interview me re housing.

I informed the ex “I will be at the family home to collect any mail that has been sent 5 times in both our names, you have not forwarded to me via the agency I trust nor provided me with any copy” No reply. I rang him, it was a foreign ring tone so he's out of the country, he answered and I told him “I'm going to the family home” he said “you are not, I will post what you need to you” I said “how can you do that when you claim not to have received anything and I know that you're not in the country by the ring tone” He said “I will be back in the afternoon” I said “you don't need to be there so who's in the cottage to give me my mail” he said “no one is” I said “no bother I will just gain access for my mail” He shouted “that is not your house” and put the phone down on me.

My eldest came into living room, he said “I was in the hall and heard everything” FFS. He told me “I'm full of Xanax so I'm not scared and I want to call my dad” I said “please don't, you could make matters worse, it could cause all kind of problems” he laughed, he said “are you stopping me from ringing my daddy” he was being sarcastic, he grabbed my phone from my hands, I went into the kitchen and put my head in my hands, I was scared in case this set off all kinds of anguish for him, the mere fact of talking to his father might set of his temper, it could cause a melt down and the only person who would be at the end of that would be me or my youngest or both. Eldest said “stop fucking worrying, you're getting on my nerves by always fucking worrying”

Eldests phone call to his father

Eldest “It's me, eldest”

ex- “Yes”

Eldest “It's me, your eldest here”

ex- “Sorry”

Eldest “And what have you got to be sorry about Sir”

Eldest “This is your son”

ex- “Yes this is (he gave his full name) speaking”

Eldest “Where are you”

ex -”On ferry just leaving England”

Eldest “What are you doing in England”

ex-”Visiting my mum”

Eldest “My nan lives in Wales, not England and there is no ferry in England and no foreign dialling tone either”

ex- “same difference”

He then hung up on my son

My eldest was on such a high. I suppose he felt proud of himself because he'd not spoken to his father at all for 3 years and he felt in control re him for once, he said “he's definitely abroad”, he said “it wasn't a normal ring tone, it was a long and drawn out one” and dad was “hiding who he was talking to by saying he was (full name) he said “he's one a sick bastard but I feel great about doing it” and “I want to ring him again” I said “please don't as my nerves cannot take any more and he now has my number logged on his phone and could accuse me of all sorts and if you want to ring him again to do it from your own phone”

16^th September

Day for Housing interview. My sons both told me they would go with me. I would never have been able to handle the stress of them both with an interview and a trip to the family home so I went alone and left them sleeping, the train was late, I had to ring the council and tell them I was delayed, I called a cab and whilst waiting for it I rang the ex's mobile.

Me- “are you around because I want to collect my mail”

ex- “No I'm not”

Me- “I will have to get the Garda to help me get into the cottage then”

ex- “My car has a flat tyre”

Me- “You did not seem to have trouble with a tyre leaving the country or getting back again as the dialling tone is now normal. So how can I get my mail, is anyone at the cottage to give it to me to save me from forcing entry”

ex- “No one is in the cottage”

Me- “I suppose I will find out soon enough myself”

ex- “There is loads of mail, how do you know what's yours”

Me- “My name will be on it so quit talking crap. I told you in June and I told you in July that the TSB have sent out on 5 separate occasions, mortgage statements that I need for my solicitor for court purposes, I told you I don't mind you keeping the originals, by phone and by texts and will be happy enough with copies and I need them”

ex- “When I find them I will post them to you”

Me- “I will go and get them myself and for the record the family home is still my house, good luck getting your car fixed”

I attended the meeting with the council, it wasn't a long meeting and they will let me know. The lady was lovely.

Taxi came and got me, I asked him to take me to the family home and from there to the train station. The ex's car was still parked outside, there was nothing wrong with the tyres at all. A large white transit van with a mattress in the back was parked round the back. All the cottage windows had the curtains closed, not an inch thru could be seen, the window ledges were filthy and covered with books and other crap. The back garden was so over grown it was above my knees, the kitchen window had no curtains or blinds and one side was boarded up because the window had large crack down it, the wood was been nailed to the window ledge so no one could get in. My Dyson hoover that took me years to get and he claimed he knew nothing about was at the back door of the kitchen, there were now bolts on the inside of the back door. The kitchen was a disgusting, filthy mess, I did not recognise the dishes at all, there was not one bit of clear space on the worktop. I walked to the front of house again and started knocking on the front door, I peered thru the small porch window, mail was on the floor and I could clearly see a benefit giro cheque, someone was claiming benefits from this house. I got back into the taxi and rang him.

Me- “Thought you were not around, your car is outside of the cottage and so is a large white van sitting round the back”

ex- “That's off the road, I had to get a new one”

Me- “Very unfortunate that you got a flat tyre on a new car”

ex- “I've been away for a few days”

Me- “A few weeks by the looks of the mail thru the front door”

No reply from him.

Me- “Who does the giro belong to if no one is in the cottage”

ex- “No one is in the cottage”

Me- “The giro is being sent to someone so who's is it”

ex – “A friend is using the address”

Me- “That's fraud”

ex- “I am ten minutes away if you want your mail”

Me- “Okay, but what about your flat tyre”

No answer

Me- “I have heard and seen enough, bye”

No appearance either from him in “ten minutes” the taxi took me back to the station.

I got a text whilst I was on train going back to Dublin “Have got the statements here, where should I send them” I replied “take them to court”

I rang legal aid to speak to the solicitor, I got the miserable cow Mary, she told me “the solicitor is not available and you need to wait to see a Barrister then tell them everything” when I persisted she told me “all will be recorded on paper and passed to the solicitor”

Back in house and I made dinner, my eldest said “I'm not hungry and you can fuck off” I said “I wish I could do so” and asked him “who's rattled your cage, he said “just fuck off and leave me alone” I've no idea what has kicked this off and he isn't telling me either but no doubt he will do so later.

I was puzzled about the foreign ring tone and the ex telling my eldest he was getting on a ferry leaving England which does not exist. I checked on line and at the exact time he told my eldest he was getting on a ferry at 6pm, there was one leaving France to go to Rosslare, hence the foreign ring tone, fucking lucky for some getting to leave the country and being able to afford it and a new car yet claiming to the court he is skint.

More puzzles to solve. He must be renting out the family home again because it looks like no one is up keeping the garden. He has been in France for how long? Whoever is living at the cottage is on the dole, I need to find out how long this claim has been in action. He said he bought a “new car” and there is large white van in the back drive, so who owns it. He must be living elsewhere as no mail has been collected for quite a while. Has he opened up new bank accounts in France?

20^th September

Met up with K then the boys kept me up until 5am chatting.

22^nd September

My youngests knees are really sore again, he has unfortunately got my genes and my Granny's.

My asthma is getting bad again.

23^rd September

I had to go to the emergency doctor with non stop coughing. I wasn't seen till midnight. My eldest said “if you have to go to the hospital and get kept in you have to tell them I'm over 18” my youngest went with me, only two people were in front of me. I couldn't stop coughing at all. When the two people in front of me left the doctor came out, looked at me and wandered off. I was fuming when I heard tea spoons obviously stirring sugar into a tea cup so I went off looking for where the sound was coming from. I saw a security guard sitting on a chair in a small room with the door open and asked him “where's the doctor” the doctor popped his head out, I said “are you going to wait till I'm collapsed on the floor” he came back with me and looked at his list, he said “your name's not on here” he got on the phone to check then told me “they put your name down wrong” I asked him “lift your stethoscope because I'm getting worse” he said “you need antibiotics and you need to get to the hospital” I said “I just need steroids and I'll be fine” he made me take the steroids in front of him and me and my youngest left. No sleep was had with me coughing all night long. The boys got no sleep due to me either.

27^th September

My eldest was explaining to me “I get bad mood swings every few minutes and Xanax is not having any effect on me now” I told him “You need to go and see the doctor and tell him all this and you will be helped” he said “I'm not fucking seeing anyone”

28^th Sept

I went to see the doctor, he told me I have a chest infection. I talked to him about my eldest but he was just not interested at all. He told me to try to encourage my eldest to go along and see him, I just spent five minutes telling the man I've tried to do that constantly.

Had to ask my youngest to go to the village to pay my rent for me because I'm wiped out.

1^st October

Rang the ex asking “where are the mortgage statements you were handing into the court because it's been two weeks now and the court have not got anything from you” He said “you do not need them, you do not pay the mortgage” then he said “I will drop them into court because I'm due to make a payment anyway” All bullshit as per normal from him. I wish I could get shot of him once and for all.

2^nd October

Courtesy call from a lady called Paula at legal aid, she received my documents but still no show of any files from the solicitors. I asked Paula have you sent a reminder, she told me no, it's early days yet. Not for me I said because I have been waiting 4 years to get this done.

5^th October

Dreadful weekend, no money in my purse at all and no maintenance paid. FUCK.

My eldest said “I want to change my “life” to “lose weight” to “get into a routine” to “get teeth fixed” then “no, I can't get teeth fixed as I would be too embarrassed to show anyone” FFS. He's in a bad mood, he's slagging me off as a “useless cunt” and said “the doctor prescribed me the wrong tablets a year ago” he told me “you always skirt round the issue” and “you do not answer to your wrong doings” The horrible sod left me in tears again. If he is unhappy why doesn't he do things for himself, that would be one way to guarantee things were done to his satisfaction, if he's not happy why does he not just fuck off.

TSB statements faxed thru to the refuge office. Only for the €45,000 mortgage because the other €20,000 was in his sole name even tho my name is on the deeds. I have no doubt at all that he is going all out to lose us the family home. He could have cleared that no bother with what he got from selling his share of the London property. I was told that I can write to the Collections Dept. 56/59 St Stevens Green Dublin.

Rang legal aid again, I need an urgent appointment to see a solicitor, she was still not there, I was put thru to miserable Mary again, she said “I will ask D to contact you” I said “no, I have no privacy at home and would like a face to face meeting” She told me she will see what the solicitor says.

8^th October

I was refused housing from another county council but I can reapply in 2010 or once divorced, they said I'm not homeless. The lovely refuge support worker said “that is nonsense and they clearly do not know the law” she is going to send them a letter.

My eldest said “I'm not taking Xanax any longer, they are freaking me out” I said “you can't just stop or you'll get withdrawal symptoms, you have to cut them down” he said “no I will not cut them down, I'm not ever going to take them again” I would have been better talking to a brick wall. He said “there's nothing wrong with me, I think I just had a break down because of dad” and “I was not very social to begin with, I hate people and I hate dad and all he did to me, he just tipped me over the edge leaving me in total isolation, yes I still want to move but to somewhere permanent, I want to be a solicitor then get into politics, I want to move to the UK but not London, maybe Scotland” Same old crap, I'm sick of listening to him, he could have been in UK with us four years ago.

9^th October

I tried getting hold of the solicitor again, she was not in, it's like trying to get blood out of a stone. There was me thinking solicitors are supposed to take my instruction, how the hell can she when she is never there to talk to and all has to go thru the guard dog Mary first. It is ridiculous.

My eldest is in a bad way, “do not want food” “I cannot stand the smell” “do not want to even see food” “makes me feel sick” He watched TV with me for an hour.

12^th October

My eldest was awake all night, he couldn't sleep, he hasn't eaten any dinner since Friday, he said “I'm seeing things in my room” (that freaked me out) he said “I'm afraid to close my eyes, I'm scared stiff” He was lying on the couch when I got up at 5am, I covered him with a blanket hoping he would get some sleep, I told him to close his eyes and I would only be in the kitchen, he said “I have no appetite, my head is twitching, I cannot sleep, my hands feel all leathery, I have no muscle strength, I'm dizzy all the time, I'm getting worse, I cannot think straight or concentrate at all” I told him he really needed to see a doctor because I was now scared for him, he said “no, no doctors, all I need is help with withdrawal” I told him “I will get him help from the doctor today” he fell asleep on the couch for half an hour then just sat up and went to his room not saying a word to me. I was worried sick, how I stayed calm in front of him I will never know.

I went to tell my youngest and he said “it's his own fucking fault, he's just being a dick and a prick about everything” I said “I hope you never need help as karma might just turn round and bite you on the arse, he said “I don't believe in all that shit and neither should you”

I rang the doctor at 10am, I was told I could ring back and speak to the doctor at 10.15am, I did, he was still not in. I rang again at 11am, I was told the doctor would ring me at 1pm, no call came, I rang back, I was told he would ring me at 1.20pm, no call came. I rang again at 1.55pm I said to the receptionist I've waited for 4 hours for a phone call that did not come, she said she would leave the doctor a message, I said “no thanks, I'm coming up to the surgery” I was told the surgery will not start until 3pm but I'll be seen first.

I went to the library with my youngest before going to the doctor for 3pm.

I told the doctor how my eldest was feeling and all about his withdrawal symptoms and how worried I am about him. Dr said “give him a reduced dose of the Xanax” I said “I've already told you he won't have anything to do with any Benzo every again so what can he take and it's your duty to help him thru this withdrawal” Dr said “it's no longer a medical problem but now a psychiatric problem and he will not and has not accepted any help so it might have to be forced on him by getting him committed” I said “over my dead body and is this what you tell junkies and alcoholics going thru a withdrawal process” I said “all my son wants to do is get back to normal as he was living before his fathers abuse of him and the poor boy can't sleep” Dr said “he will soon collapse with tiredness” I said “you do not know my son” Dr ended up giving me 7 sleeping tablets telling me “see how he gets on with these” He took the remaining Xanax off me that my eldest was now refusing to take and said “I will contact the HSE on your behalf” after I told him “I'm struggling to cope”

My youngest was waiting for me outside the doctors for me. I burst into tears in the street thru the stressful day it had been, the worry about my eldest and having sat by a phone for 4 hours for a call that never came and the icing on the cake I did not get my maintenance cheque banked.

I took the sleeping tablets home to eldest. He was waiting on the stairs for my return, but as soon as he heard what I'd been given, he went mental at me, he was tugging and pulling at his own hair, “how the hell am I” he stopped mid sentence and shouted “it's all your fucking fault, you can just fuck off” and he flew up the stairs into his bedroom. I was absolutely mystified.

My youngest came down from the toilet, he said “he's weeping but in a fearful way, not an angry way” I felt terrible for eldest, my heart is broke for him, I didn't hear him cry, I don't know how the hell to help him and no one is banging down my door with any offers of help or supports. I cannot even go near him because he will go mental at me. I then cried too

I rang the Carers Association, a lady gave me some numbers to call.

My friend rang, I told her about eldest she said she's worried about us all. She said she would text me tomorrow to check in.

I went to bed at 10pm. I woke up to my eldest throwing his guts up in the toilet but he's had nothing in his stomach at all, he's not eaten for days now. My youngest and I stood outside the toilet door, I mouthed to my youngest to ask eldest what we could do for him and to ask him did he want water, eldest said no, I tried the door, it was locked, I asked him to open it, I got told to “fuck off and die, it's all your fault because you would not get” I couldn't hear the last part part, I asked him to say it again, I was again told “fuck off and die” I said “I cannot help you if you don't let me” no reply. I went downstairs, it was only 5am, I felt helpless, he really is sick. I was supposed to be going to K's art class today and had counselling too but couldn't go to either because I couldn't leave eldest.

I rang D Doc, the lady who answered the phone was lovely but the nurse she put me thru to was a nosy cow, asking me questions that had sod all to do with why I was ringing.

The doctor who rang me back was very nice thank god, she said it “sounds like he's in cold turkey, it's dangerous to quit the amount of Xanax he's been taking daily and for so long” she said “I will not get into the legalities of why he was prescribed these without ever being seen because it's not helpful at this time” she said “he could very well end up in a psychiatric ward because he could lose his mind just quitting like he has done” she said “I've heard it's easier to get off Heroin than Xanax so I would be very worried about him” She said “you have got to stay very strong and I realise this will be very difficult because cold turkey will make him paranoid and aggressive and you have to protect yourself and surround yourself with family and friends for support and for a break, you will need it” I then told her whole story because I have no one, only a local friend who would be unable to help because she does not know my family that well. She asked me “where is the dad” “bloody good question” I answered. She said “you have to take no argument from him because things could escalate quickly, you need to tell him exactly what I've just told you and I can be out to him if he allows it within 20 minutes and I will contact the family doctor and HSE for you”

I then remembered the Doctor had taken the remainder of the Xanax from me when I went up to him. Pure panic took over me, I had to strip the house bare to find the .25mg that I'd been prescribed and had hidden. I found them then gave myself a good talking to so I could go and face my eldest. I went into his bedroom, he was as white as a sheet, I told him all the doctor had just told me and it was his choice if he ended up in hospital or worse, he agreed to take a reduced dose, thank god and thank you to that doctor. This meant that my eldest could rest and sleep and so then could I.

14^th October

My eldest slept for 9 hours straight, he asked me “go to the town for me and get a Play Station 2 slim plus games” I told him “I will go down in the afternoon because I have a course this morning at 10.30am” he said “you can shoot down and back and still make your course before it starts” my youngest said he would come with me because he wanted to return his DS. I had to get to the post office to collect eldests money first. Game stop in town didn't sell the game he wanted but I found it in HMV. I was in a state in case I was late for my course but I got back in time but my nerves were frayed. Eldest is now on 1 and half mg's per day of Xanax, he's now coping well with the reduced dose.

I met the lovely refuge support worker after their course, she's a great lady and gets done what she says she will do. She did a letter to the other counties council and also a letter to the solicitor because my instructions are not being taken and I've not had any appointment that I've continually asked for and also a letter to the solicitor re not giving me back my file. I told her about the living hell it has been with my eldest, she printed out a list of doctors I could try and change to, she will phone FAS for any part time courses they have on offer because she said it would do me good to have something other than my eldest to focus on. She said she doesn't know how I keep going with everything.

Not had any reply to the three jobs I applied for.

My youngest said “I feel rough, I'm having a lie down” it's unheard of for my youngest to have a lie down in the day time.

My eldest is doing well, he said “I'm not hungry, I just wanted cereal” then at 7pm he asked me to go out and get him curry chips, I am so pleased his appetite has come back.

20^th October

Met a lovely lady at Women's Therapy. The lovely girl said “I can feel your ex's presence in the room with you because you're consumed with all his shenanigans”

I did some digging on the computer for my court file and typed in the ex's old user name on his dating web sites and up popped a friend of his called C D, she was photographed in the family home. I checked her page and she had uploaded three videos of utter scum in the family home. I was fit to be tied. I googled her name and she also has a blog, she claims on her blog that she's an ex alcoholic, a psychiatric patient and homeless, but she can afford holidays. The ex had posted on her page “if you need me to wire you some money just let me know” I was disgusted and furious, I could scream the place down. A stranger and recent friend and he tells her he can wire money to her and all the crap he puts me thru re court ordered maintenance. The bastard.

21^st October

I went over to the refuge office and saw the lovely support worker. I told her “I'm going to fucking crack up, seeing those scum in my house with a blazing fire, food laid out and all boozed up has made me furious, me and my kids are homeless, we've had 8 moves in 4 years, that bastard did not care about us freezing or eating, my kids have had no stability because of that mental fucking head case and they still don't, I know I internalise all I feel and it makes me ill because I cannot take it out on my kids can I, instead I close down in protection mode because I would be scared of the consequences if I did not, it's not the kids fault their father is an evil bastard” The lovely support worker said said “it's not your fault either” I never thought like that before because my kids always blame me, so fuck it I've had enough, I need to get this into court and over and done with for good. E asked me “would you consider applying for permanent housing with us” she said “the boys would be entitled to succession rights” she said “you should write a letter to the housing officer” and I will get working on DCC and rural housing for you too”

I rang legal aid, misery Mary again, she said “no solicitor is in to talk to” I told her “I want all my original documents back, the solicitor had no right to send them to you because they belong to me and I want them in my safe keeping” she sounded absolutely incredulous about that. “You want me to copy the whole file” I said “no I want my originals back and I will copy and give you what is relevant” she asked me “why” and said “nothing is going to happen to them and the judge will want to see the originals anyway” I said “I doubt anyone will get to see them because I'm still waiting to see a solicitor” That is one horrible and miserable woman and has access to everyone's lives for divorce.

E suggested I write a letter to them. I did and emailed it.

It's my eldests first full day with no Xanax and he's doing great.

K rang, she wanted me to do some printing for her and help her design and order business cards for her.

21^st October

I'm getting worried about Xmas. That bastard is spending thousands on the hill of Tara and his new scum friends when we've been left in poverty. I hope he rots in hell.

E rang B.M the previous solicitor about my file, she was told to tell me to “put it in writing” the cheeky mare, I already did so. I will be reporting her to the law society now for letting the ex into her office not once but twice to repair her computer whilst I was her client and he has her old hard drive and so all her clients files.

22^nd October

K was at my door to tell me her local butcher is doing turkey and ham for €20 and to hurry up before they sell out, we ran up to the place. I sent the lovely refuge support worker a text to tell her to let the other residents know in case they wanted a bargain too. I'm chuffed to bits that we have at least a Xmas dinner bought.

My eldest is fully off the Xanax now and has done brilliantly considering how much he had been on and for how long. He is coming down the stairs more often and watches Question Time with me. I have to say life is peaceful at the moment. Thank God.

I'm worried about my youngest now tho because he's now more isolated, he has no friends, his education has stopped, he has no job and no apprenticeship, he rarely goes out. God help him.

I bit the bullet and rang a dentist for myself.

I rang Heating firms from the phone book to see if any could take my youngest on, I had no luck.

I rang Chevron Training for my youngest, they told me to contact the local FAS office, no reply, when I told my youngest he said “not fucking doing that” I think he's been listening to my eldest for far too long.

Still no reply from my legal aid letter asking for my original documents back and about the appointment I'm still waiting on, it's a disgrace.

24^th October

Had a good chat with my eldest about politicians, he knows I was big into politics in my teens and 20's. I found old photo's stuck together and started scanning them so I could save some and my eldest went on the turn saying “I hate old photo's” He then picked up an 1980's photo of me and pissed himself laughing, he said “you have not changed one bit” I don't know if that was a compliment.

I went to the RDS to support K because she had a stall there. I walked right past P who was my fantastic support from F L S who would meet me at the hotel when things were horrendously bad in the cottage, she helped me see my marriage thru new eyes. She was busy talking to somebody so I didn't interrupt her but she saw me and I smiled at her. I went back to see if she had finished talking but she wasn't there, I would have loved to let her know that I stayed away from the marriage and she was a great help to me both then and when I had to come back for eldest.

When coming home me and my youngest got seriously lost trying to find the Dart, my youngest was insisting it was one way and I was stopping people to ask for directions and he got the major hump about that, he was shouting at me in the street that I never listen to him and did not respect him, the cheeky fucker forgets who the adult is, it took us almost two hours to find the station, I made him apologise because he was taking us in wrong direction to start with. The way he is with me outside means I do not want him going anywhere with me any longer, all he does now is embarrass me or try to, he complains non stop, he sounds like an old woman who is never bloody happy and I'm sick of it, being outside is the only time I can get to be myself, smiling, happy, chatting to people and he does not want this at all, he tries to give out his rules, it's not gonna happen boyo.

My eldest went halves money wise with me because he wanted a large pizza, he asked me for one of his sleeping tablets then asked me for the name of them, he checked them online then went nuts at me because they're “still of the Benzo family” and shouted “look what I went thru getting off them” He was shouting “why did you not check them online first before giving it to me” I had enough and roared back at him, “check them on line yourself, your not a frigging child, I taught you to read a very long time ago so investigate all meds yourself and frig off and shut up and if you spent as much time researching how to get yourself out of the rut and hell you have yourself and us in instead of slagging me off constantly then you might just make everyone a bit happier” He's now not speaking to me and I do not care.

27^th October

Letter from court stating that all maintenance payments are being centralised and issued from Dublin 7. Forms need to be filled in but it wont start till the end of November.

28^th October

Dentist for me at 3pm, I needed 6 fillings and I have gum disease. The dentist could only treat with injecting my mouth and scraping but as soon as the needle was in my mouth I shot of that chair like a greyhound out a trap, I don't know what's wrong with me, I've been stitched in every part of my body and I never feared needles before. The dentist laughed. I left.

My eldest is talking to me again.

30st October

My youngest is being a moody little fucker, he's in a bad mood with me because he's bored and I refuse to listen to his sole topic of guns. I took him with me to see M over in the refuge office, she said she will see what's out there re courses for him. She said she will come to the house next week and do a care plan with him.

I went to bed early with a book, my youngest was already in bed so that worried me because he's a late night owl normally. I found out he wrote online about me “she's a fucking bitch and I hope she dies” that hurt me to the core, he was referring to me “not trusting me to find our way back from the RDS” Something is wrong with this boy to talk about his mother online for the world to see like that, to even think it never mind write about it, he has to be seriously messed up. I'm going to talk to the refuge about him. To me this is not normal.

31^st October

My eldest was down early and was in an okay mood so I told him what youngest wrote about me. Eldest said “it's just teenage angst, I was the same” I bit my tongue, I did not think reminding him that calling his mother “a fat fucking whore” and “spitting” in my face was normal teenage angst and neither was standing back and watching your dad assault your mum then claiming you saw nothing and you heard nothing and all else he did when he was 13 years old. Instead I told him “it does not stop me feeling upset about what youngest has written” and I went on to tell him how tiring and weary I find things, the worry, the poverty, all my fears for us all, he was just brilliant, he listened, and he came up with idea's but the most important part for me was him just listening to me. I told him “thank you for the chat” because it helped enormously just getting it off my chest as no one else was available to talk to on a Saturday” My gorgeous son is now a man.

My youngest got up. I said nothing about what I'd read but I'm still fuming and hurting about it, he asked me to go “walk to the seaside” it was bucketing down with rain and we got soaked so we had to hurry home, it took us 45 minutes to get back and not one part of us was dry. My eldest got me a towel but said “I'm not getting one for my him” how he can revert back into being a sulky kid as quick as he does is beyond me. He was chatting away to me, he said “I still have nightmares about dad” and he wanted to know “why is dad mental” and “how can he con so many people and still get away with it” I had no answers to that, he shouted “you should have answers because you are married to him” I'm not in the mood for his interrogations because that is all they ever are.

I know my youngests is desperate for a job, for anything but what the hell more can I do to find him something. Why is he not out knocking on doors or making any calls. He's so bloody lazy and calls it shyness, he needs to get over that, I was painfully shy but it did not stop me working at age 16.

3^rd November

Counselling with Women's Therapy this morning. She said “I can see you're still angry about your ex but I can now sees a calm over you and I cannot imagine coping with as much as you have because you have problems coming out of every pore” she said “you are still being controlled and why do you think he's not just gone for a legal separation or a divorce himself” she said “he knows you are homeless and living in poverty and there's nothing good about a man who will let his spouse and children live like that but portrays himself as perfect to all his new found friends” She said “ I think you're fantastic and have such strength, you are one strong lady and you deserve better, I'm convinced once you have your divorce and some justice then you will draw a line and enjoy the rest of your life, I will come up with some coping strategies to help you” I rarely get any compliments so they are hard to accept. She is great at giving feedback tho.

I got Child Benefit so I picked up a McDonald’s for the boys to take home to them, I love walking about the town looking in the shop windows, it would be great if I had extra money to actually shop tho. I would love some retail therapy.

I got a cheque in for maintenance and it's now in serious arrears, I rang the court and spoke to G she said “he's €600 in arrears” I said “it's so much more than that” she again reminded me “you can only reclaim the past 6 months” I said “am I expected not to feed my boys when he does not or will not pay and does not want to pay” She said “you can go back to court for recovery of arrears” I reminded her “you are 3 hours away by train” and “god knows how many hours waiting for the case to be heard in court and then 3 hours travel back again, which means I will be away from the home for a whole day and no matter what I do thru the court, bugger all gets done about it” she said “I can fit you in on 24^th Nov”  I apologised to her because I know she must get shot down in flames all the time, but the law is the law, she said “we have a new staff member called J working here too now” I asked her to put me down for recovery of arrears and an increase in maintenance so I can get my sons something for Xmas.

Local lads knocked on my door to tell me a white dove was on my eldests window ledge and not moving. I rang the wildlife centre, no reply, I left a message. The lady next door gave me ladders to get up to it and just as I got my hands around the dove it flew off onto the neighbours roof, the poor thing must be weak or injured and the weather is freezing.

I sent my tutor a text asking if any of his brothers would take my youngest on as an apprentice or for a couple of days work experience because they are all tradesmen, electrician, plumber, heating engineer, carpenter, he sent me a reply, he's not in Dublin till next week but he will make enquiries and get back to me. Good man that he is.

I rang M who said she had no news re anything for my youngest. I rang Education Welfare and left a voice mail asking her if she knew of anyone I could contact for my youngest re apprentice work, she replied telling me to try FAS.

My youngest has a temperature which has affected both his and his brothers ability to open the front door when the post man knocked so I missed a parcel delivery. I'm fuming, they run me ragged, it means I have a very long walk tomorrow morning and they wonder why I get annoyed at them. My youngest said “I can't go for you because I'm ill” I think I will remember to say this to him when I'm ill and I will take to my bed and do Jack shit for them both.

5^th November

I walked up to the sorting office, they had my file from Legal aid and it was held together with elastic bands that the post man said “I put those bands on because all the documents were exposed and was far too heavy for the brown envelope they were put in” Those documents had no envelope around them at all because the envelope had burst open due to the weight of all documents. I was fit to be tied, that miserable, sour faced bitch Mary. I had rang that sour faced bitch and insisted that she rang me to tell me when she would post my file out so I could ensure I was at home to receive them. After all the nonsense crap I had out of them and also had to send in a complaint because I still had no appointment to see any solicitor and the bitch did this. Every mail man could read all my private and personal business thanks to that useless bitch.

I rang FAS, they said go up any day for 9.30am, but they have a long waiting list for their courses.

6^th November

I hurt my back getting coal in, it's all seized up.

Went up to D Doc, they asked for a urine sample which I thought was odd, then told me I have blood, protein and leucocytes in my urine, I've not had that since I was pregnant, it's weird. I've no symptoms that anything's wrong. The doctor said it's probably nothing but to get a smear test done soon. I was given an injection in the buttocks and strong painkillers, I could almost do the Highland Fling after that injection, I was told to rest for the rest of the day and then try and get back to normal with no heavy lifting.

My eldest didn't take his sleeping tablet last night, he took it when I went to D Doc and he was as high as a kite and it's only early evening, he said “I want to get my brother a 32 inch TV like mine and an X-Box” I told him no because the first time my eldest had a bone to pick with youngest he would just march into his bedroom and take them back so I wasn't even going to entertain that idea. I told him I would rather have the money and get my youngest what he actually wanted. I asked my youngest to make a Xmas List, he said he would email it, he did, it's all Pokemon stuff.

8^th November

My eldest came down the stairs at 7am. I told him I now had my youngests Xmas List and he wants Pokemon stuff. My eldest said “you need to beat all that shit out of him or get dad to do it because he's 16 for fuck sake and he needs to grow up” I told him “mind your own business and there will be no violence under my roof and did you like getting the shit beat out of you by dad when you were alone in the cottage so just remember that before you open your mouth and tell me what my youngest needs” I was gob smacked when he said “you've changed your fucking tune, you let dad beat me when you lay in your bed and did nothing, you let dad and brother gang up on me” Wrong move to lie about me and such horrific lies too. I was screaming at him “you are a liar, you have to be deranged to come out with lies like that, how the hell could I be lying in a bed when I was 500 miles away, the only time I ever slapped you, if you are referring to that re me changing my tune was when you called me a fat fucking whore when you were 13 years old and spat full in my face, I slapped you round the face in shock and disgust and you had better cop on fast if you're now trying to change your history because liars are dangerous people but they always come unstuck in the end due to telling too many lies to remember”

I was stunned and raging at him saying I lay in my bed whilst his dad beat the crap out of him, that never happened and no sane person would let it happen to their own child. I shouted at him “if such a thing happened, why the hell would you want me to come back for you and you had better choose your words with care boy because I'm about to explode. I will and I have put up with many things but mind twisting, history changing, fucking lies I will never again put up with and for the record it was you and dad ganging up on youngest and leaving him out of everything, out of going to dad's work, out of going on the family computer, out of McDonald’s, out of being allowed on the laptop, out of electricity all day, so if you want the truth heard you had better just sit there and listen because I will not put up with any more bullshit out of your mouth. Just because I do not throw all the past in your face does not mean I don't remember or I will ever forget”

He screamed into my face “you are a lying fucking cunt” and stormed upstairs waking my youngest up in the process and it had just gone 8am.

I was shaking and so angry. That was the first time I actually confronted him with the truth, the first time I have thrown it back in his face, something I always said I would never do but I'm sick to the back teeth of pandering to this sometimes child, sometimes man, I'm sick of his dangerous mood swings that cannot even be predicated by me any more because they happen that often on a daily basis. I'm sick and disgusted by his so called memories, he's just like his dad, he now has a made up history to tell but it will be over my dead body that any more lies are ever told at my expense or at my youngests. I'm sick of his abuse, his threats of violence. He's ruining my life and had the cheek to ask me if he would turn out like dad because that was his biggest fear, FFS he is his frigging dad, the very same mould. I feel if I carry on living with him I will be begging to be allowed into the local asylum, anywhere but living with him. I cannot take another man treating me like total crap, lying about me whilst putting on the saint face for everyone else. I plan to write everything down and give to the refuge because I'm still very fragile when it comes to tales /lie telling, it makes you question your own sanity. I am never having that happen again, never, never, never.

I rang K because I desperately needed to talk to someone, she was at a Holistic Fair, she said she would call me later.

9^th November

I rang the refuge office asking for E but she's not in till tomorrow. M could hear something was wrong so I told her all that happened and all that my eldest had said. M told me it's still abuse I'm going thru and I don't need to put up with it. I can go see her or talk to E about my options tomorrow.

I rang the court and spoke to new bloke called J.  I told him I don't have my maintenance, he said “you got maintenance on the 28^th” I said “that was some arrears and it's to be paid weekly as per a court order and I'm worried because there's a strike coming up on the same day I'm in court so do I have to attend or what” He said he would get G to call me back. No call came back.

I need to go to FAS with my youngest at 9.30am tomorrow.

10^th November

Waste of time at FAS, they do not have much except leaflets about Community schools and VEC schools, we thought they ran their own courses in their office, I thought they had work shops out the back of the place we were in.

My youngest decided he wants to join the RAF, I rang them, he needs to be UK based for the past 5 years.

Rang Air Corps, the man I spoke to was not much help, he told me to listen to the next budget because they cannot afford to take on anyone.

My youngest seemed to appreciate me making phone calls for him as we had such a laugh messing around with tea towels, flicking them at one another, I kept warning him it would end in tears because it always does, he started crying and I thought I had caught him in the eye with the corner of tea towel but he was just joking, I could have strangled him for that. We went deathly quiet when eldest came down the stairs, for fuck sake, he sucks the bloody life out of everything. Every time my youngest spoke a sentence I came up with a song line answer, it was great fun.

10^th November

My eldest was down at 7am. I’ve been up since 6am, I love that hour totally alone, he just ignored me, he's not said a word to me since 6.45am on Sunday after roaring at me “your a fucking lying cunt” I'm not even going to speak to him and it's not because I know he will just ignore me anyway, I just want the peace his silence brings

11^th November

I'm trying to put my case together in bullet point format for the court so I get to say all I need to and want to, to the judge, it has to be short and all documentary evidence has to be provided, I have my work cut out for me.

I ended up crying because I felt so overwhelmed. My youngest gave me a hug. He later told me “I'm going to start jogging” and he left the house in the pissing rain at 7pm at night, he was only gone for 20 minutes but I was so worried about his safety in case he came across any of the gangs of youths that walk about at night. He was fine, soaking wet but fine, thank god.

12^th November

I've now finished my antibiotics but I need to get my urine checked again in case there is an underlying problem. I was awake half the night worrying about money and court. I've put money away each week for Xmas but I'm still so short for all my youngest wants and what I'm getting for eldest.

I went to see E in the refuge office She said my letter outlining my case for the court for an increase in maintenance should be focussed more on how we have to live without maintenance.

I sent an email to Ballack Community college for my youngest, no reply, I rang them and left a voice mail.

K sent a text asking me to go round hers to get me out of the house. I did and had a lovely couple of hours. My youngest met me to walk me home and said a woman was knocking on our door non stop after I left and he thought eldest would go insane about it because she knocked for at least ten minutes.

Eldest is talking to me again. He wants me to go out and get him a game from town tomorrow.

13^th November

I borrowed €200 from my eldest so I can start buying Xmas presents. Got my youngest Nightmare before Xmas and my eldest Shameless box set and the Monty Python Box set.

Spent the rest of the weekend on my court documents.

16^th November

M was at the door at 9.30am to see if I wanted a couch, she said my youngest could help me with it but my youngest wouldn't get out of the bed to help me so I went to get the couch myself and seriously injured my back again and this only one week since my last injection for my back. I couldn't move an inch, the pain was horrendous. M was going to call an ambulance for me but I said no, she rang the doctor for me and my youngest had to go and get my prescription of Valium and more strong pain killers. The tablets worked but they left my head floating and I hate that feeling.

17^th November

I was awake at 5am, every time I turned over in bed it was agony so I got up and lit the fire and tried to tidy up, I took my tablets after my breakfast, I was dreading the floating feeling, it leaves you unable to do anything or go anywhere.

I rang Ballark college again for my youngest, they do ECDL a 6 month course, they have a waiting list but will be happy to see my youngest and get him on their list, they are near the Omni shopping centre.

I was delighted about the college and told my youngest, he replied “you just want me to do this for court reason, so you look good for the court” That is just shit talk from him. He was so lucky I did not take the head off him verbally, I was too stupefied in my head with medication to do so. The idiot has been nagging me non stop due to boredom, he's frigging old enough to get off his own lazy arse and attend all these places but no he needs me to do it for him and frigging attend with him, I'm sick of him acting like a baby and he had the cheek to say that to me.

I rang G at the court, I was told “no maintenance” she said “you now need to call CAS on 018886000 because they are dealing with all payments now” I rang CAS and got told “you need to ring the court if maintenance is not paid” Pass the buck. The court is on strike on the 24^th so they will know by Friday what's going on and if my date to attend is postponed.

I rang E in the refuge office to let her know and I have to see her tomorrow at 11am. She will help me do a letter to the housing officer to see if I can get permanent housing here, she said “with your personal circumstances and your back getting bad twice in two weeks means you cannot be housed in an apartment some place because you would be very isolated and have no help, not even from your sons”

I was forced to ring the ex, I asked him “please pay the maintenance” His voice sounded shaky, he told me “I have no money and anyway all the money I did have has been spent on the mortgage and on you” I said “what, you've not paid the frigging mortgage and you rarely pay maintenance” he said “I just paid €1000 to the mortgage” he's lying thru his teeth. I reminded him “you've got off lightly because you don't pay spousal maintenance which I'm legally entitled to get but you have to pay for your bloody kids” He said “I've no food and no heating because I cannot afford it” I said “you bulk bought organic food” he said “I did not buy organic food in bulk, it was a joint venture, I've spent thousands on you and kids over the years” I asked “on what” he replied “I cannot say but I have all the receipts” I said “great, take them all to court with you and give all to the judge” he said “I have proof that the family home is no longer yours” I again said “provide that proof to the judge in court” he said “you had €3000 alone on flights to the UK” I asked “how did that happen when I had no access to any money at all, how do you think I'm feeding and clothing our sons” he said “it must be hard” I shouted “you are their bloody father what's the matter with you” he said “well I'm not allowed to see them due to your actions” I said “have you gone insane, it's down to your actions and if you were in any way decent you would be having them every second week like most fathers do and I could then welcome a break but due to your abuse which my eldest has now made a statement about he wants nothing to do with you and you have ignored my youngests very existence all his life so why would my youngest want anything to with you now, and more to the point why would you now want to acknowledge my youngest” He said “I don't want you any where near the family home” I said “you can't stop me and I've spoken to the Garda about my rights, the woman's name is H if you want to verify it” A big sigh came from him, he said “I will do my best to try and pay something this week” In other words he will do nothing at all.

18^th November

CAS the new courts service rang me at 10am, a man told me the ex “still has to pay into the court and the court will then send the money to us and we will then send the money to you” I said “that is just ridiculous, you are just acting like a bank who just deals with money, how is that helping anyone and how long will you hold any money for” “till it clears” I was told, I asked “who is getting all the interest on what you hold” I was told “don't know anything about that” he said “I only work on the phone and give out information, I do not deal with any legal side of things” I said “what's the point of you then, because I was told that this new system according to the court clerk, was a three strikes and your out for all dead beat dad's who do not adhere to the law re maintenance orders” The man said again “we do not deal with the law” I'm wondering just how many millions this stupid new system is costing the tax payer.

I met with E and her manager in the refuge office and the manager told me “we cannot accompany you to court because it's too far away” I said “your supposed to accompany me, that's what I was told and that's part of your job, it's bad enough I have to travel all that way alone, leaving my sons solo the whole day but now being told I have to face that bollix totally on my own, I do not think so” I walked out.

I rang Women’s Aid, I got a one to one appointment. I met a woman called C, she said she would contact someone from down that area to go with me to court and would ring me later and let me know the details. I never got any phone call back.

20^th November

Still no call back from the court about the strike, I rang them, got told “no court running on the 24^{th” ,} given a new date of the 7^th. I said “I also want a breach of maintenance order” G said “I will put that in front of the judge and will drop a line to your ex too”

23^rd November

Reply from Freedom of Info people telling me they want €25 out of me for any file they send, surely that cannot be legal.

Rang the court, spoke to J.  I asked him “do you have any money for me” he said “no” I said “I'm owed €680 and that does not include the arrears” he said “there's nothing we can do” I said “don't talk nonsense, as far as I'm aware the law in this country has not been changed and if you know something different then you need to put that in writing to me so I can ask the judge in person and also give to my housing officer because my rent is calculated on the court ordered maintenance that I am NOT receiving” He said “you cannot just get people arrested” I was shocked, this person knows sweet fuck all about anything, especially the law of the land, how the hell is he working there, he went on to tell me “I sent a note reminder” to your ex and “I posted it on Friday” They are a bloody joke.

24^th November

Letter arrived from the court confirming “no maintenance is being received” I took it over to E so she can put it in my file in her office. She told me “go to FLAC” when I said I need to know what to do if the ex is a no show in court.

I rang FLAC Dublin City, I got told “I cant really tell you what to do if your ex is a no show, I suppose you can just issue another summons” FFS.

Rang Northside FLAC, spoke to a P she said “I will have a chat with our family law solicitor and see if she can call you back” the solicitor did, she said “the judge is obliged to hear you even if your ex is not there” I was so grateful and happy about that, otherwise it would be a very long and wasted journey.

My youngest saw me low in spirit, he gave me a hug, I love this boy so much. I told him I feel like such a failure over money, over everything, he told me “your not a failure because you're the only parent coping with everything” That made me feel so much better.

26^th November

Rang the housing officer. I told her my circumstances and that I've tried everything to pay my rent but its now impossible for me to keep doing it with no maintenance being received. She said she had an email from E about it but she's snowed under with paper work. She worked out the income I do have coming in and said I need to pay 15% of it in rent, she will allow me to pay €54.60 and said that my eldest should be paying €25.39 per week, I nearly died because I didn't know that. I asked her did it have to be back dated, she said no, thank god, she will start taking it from me today. I have to now pay €79.79 per week and have to take over receipts of eldests income to her office.

27^th November

My friend rang me to see how we all were. She is a blessing, she always rings me on Friday's.

28^th November

I woke up at 3am. I was on face book chatting to my American friends, I signed out and checked my emails, there was a friend request on you tube from my ex's latest, she's deleted all the video of those tramps in the family home. I checked her page, there was a photo of my ex in a pin stripe suit and her cuddled up together, how weird, he last told the judge he couldn't buy himself clothes for the past four years and there he is with a suit on. I ignored her friend request.

29^th November

I could not believe it, I was awake at 3am again. I got up and cleaned downstairs, I moved all the furniture around. The weather's dreadful, it's lashing down, most of Ireland is flooded but not here thank god. Poor people are just weeks away till Xmas and all they possess has been destroyed by flooding.

I asked my youngest to get all his empty diet coke bottles out of his room, they were everywhere on the floor, I don't know how he can live in such a mess, I needed them down for the bin man, he told me “no, I want to fill them all up with water in case the water is switched off due to flooding” I told him “a van will come round all the houses if that happens and I cannot have the house full of bottles of water, it's small enough as it is” He started shouting “no” and jumped out of bed and shut his bedroom door and put his body against the door too, he's acting mental. Eldest came out of his room and said to him “don't be such a dick and let mum in, you don't need as many bottles as you have in your room” then he started threatening my youngest what would happen if he didn't open his door, chaos returned. I told him to get away because he was making things worse, all this over empty bottles. My youngest started crushing up the bottles but he still wouldn't give them to me, it felt like I was in a lunatic asylum in this house with these two, he was throwing the empty bottles onto his bed, his door was now open after I told my eldest to go away. I saw a hammer on his floor which my youngest picked up and threw under his pillow, I asked him “what the hell do you have a hammer in you room for” my eldest started freaking out, demanding what I should be doing about it and said I had to “call the Garda” I got him away because the last thing needed was my eldest in my ear. My youngest eventually gave me the hammer with still no explanation as to why he had it, he then ignored me for the rest of the night. I'm convinced, absolutely convinced that these two sons of mine are mentally ill, they have to be because there is no other explanation for all this crap. My eldest might have Aspergers but he's definitely mentally ill too because no website I've been on ever described anyone with Aspergers acting and talking like he does.

30^th November

I woke up at 4am. I want to run away and never come back.

I had to go to the library and print stuff out for court but it wasn't open till 10am. I cleaned the house. My eldest came down talking about comedians, Mike Reid and Jim Davidson, he's been watching them on you tube. I watched morning TV, Lorraine Kelly is 50 today, I thought I'm 50 next year and there will be no one to celebrate that milestone with me. I'm feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. What the frig have I ever done to deserve all this shit.

Had to go shopping. I rang my youngest on the way back because I had two heavy bags with milk and two large bottles of juice for them and I needed help. He did not meet me till I was at the bus stop near our house.

I bought ink, I need to print out all photo's of all those scum in the cottage for court and for the solicitor. I went to bed for an hour after taking pain killers for my back, my youngest just walked into my room and started lecturing me on the bible, the bloody bible!!! he was quoting it chapter and verse like fucking Dot Cotton from EastEnders. I asked him “why the hell are you reading the bible if all you are doing is arguing the toss about the contents of it” he said “because you're a Catholic and believe in all that shit and I want to prove you wrong” I told him “save your energy, I'm a Christian and no longer a practising catholic but if I wanted to be a Buddhist bloody monk, what would it have to do with you” I wish he would put as much focus and energy into finding himself a course or a job instead of wanting to lecture and argue with me.

I feel like a vase holding flowers that no one changes or fills with water. I feel like I'm all decayed and dusty on the inside but because the vase is doing what it should be doing, what it was made for,  no one notices what's going on inside it. Maybe I'm becoming as mad as my sons appear to be.

I rang the court at 4.15pm. G answered, I asked her “has any money come in for me” she said “yes, €250” I said “I'm owed €600” she said “I will talk to the judge about it” I know it's just to shut me up, she has no power to talk to any judge about it, I'm going to take up law one day and fight for woman getting told bullshit by the courts on a regular basis. She said “I will send it to CAS and you should expect the money in your bank in the morning” I thought great, no cheque so no three to five days to wait.

My youngest was floating around me, he obviously had something on his mind as he does this all the time when he has to tell me something. He said “I emailed N to ask T about becoming a Heating Engineer but N told me to wait until January and I need a driving licence” My face must have gave away my true feelings because he then changed his story to “I emailed N to find out if they have moved to Australia yet” I said “you can do what you like when you like and it's time you stood on your own two feet anyway” He replied “you just want rid of me” FFS, I cannot win and I'm not playing his freaking mind games.

1^st December

It's December already. I spoke to E and told her about my sons, of how I think they're mentally ill because how they both behave isn't normal. I said I've fallen out with N again, the second time in a year and I cannot cope with all these stacked up burdens, she said “it's probably the first time you have admitted it out loud and you need to start thinking of yourself, as you will kill yourself with all the worry and the stress” She advised “choose your battles wisely and carefully from now on as you have little reserves left in you, as for your sons, tell a professional and ask for expert help” I said “your agency know all about it” she said “tell all you can how bad things are and ask for help until you get it” I said “I did all that where we last lived and where did it get me” “ she reminded me “you don't live there any more”

Got home and there was another missed parcel from the postman, I could scream at the pair of lazy sods lying in their beds. It means I have very long walk to the sorting office again.

The maintenance wasn't in my bank account as G said it would be. 

I rang CAS, and got told it's not in, but as they continued talking I was told “it's just appeared on the screen now at 2.14pm but you won't get it for two days” I said “it's cash, so why would you hold a cash payment for two days” I was told “if it was a cheque then you would have to wait for 10 days” I said “it's not a cheque, it's cash and I want to speak to someone higher up because this is taking the piss and someone has to be earning big bucks from the interest generated” the man said “that is how the system is set up” I wish I had the energy to expose this, it's a disgrace, even banks do not take 10 days to clear a cheque, it must have all been set up by a man as no woman on earth would be that stupid to think that up. The robbing bastards.

2/12/09 I wrote a letter to Judge B to save him time in court next week, I posted it at the shopping centre.

I saw a real Xmas trees for sale and bought one but didn't realise it was 7ft tall till it was delivered. I had to ask my eldest to help me in with it as my back is still really bad, he was on the stairs, peering down looking out the door as if expecting someone to pop their head in, I asked what he was doing, he said “no I will not help you” and went off back up the stairs. Useless git.

I called my youngest to get out of his bed and help me, I was cursing like a trooper under my breath about eldest.  J the refuge handy man was in the cul de sac and laughed his head off at the size of the tree, he lent me his clippers so I could at least make it fit thru the door, he then took my youngest to one of the empty houses and got me a 2 seater couch that had been left behind and gave it to us, that’s me got two couches now and I'm chuffed to bits. Me and my youngest put the decorations on the tree and it looked lovely and smelled gorgeous.

My eldest off course once again is no longer talking to me, he's in the wrong but somehow as per bloody usual makes out that it's all my fault. Something is seriously wrong with that boy.

I am up to my eyeballs with my court file, I have to think ahead and provide proof of all I say, the ex is as slippery as an eel.

Out of the blue I felt really queer, really strange. I had to go and lie down on my bed and from nowhere I just started crying. My youngest heard me and he lay beside me and put his arms round my shoulders and he cried his eyes out to. This is not fucking fair, it feels like we have no one on our side, no one fighting our corner and we so do really need someone to do so. Me and my youngest lay on the bed and talked for hours, about our lives up till now, what he wants but wont get here he told me. He told me “you're a fantastic mum who always puts me and my brother first” and “yes I'm worried about my brother because I love him, but I do not like him” but “I love him because he's my brother” He talked about how “dad ruined our lives and still does” As sad as it all was, we both said we “feel lighter getting all that off our chests” it felt like a bit of weight had been lifted.

3^rd December

€250 maintenance is in the bank from CAS. I flew up to the garage in case one of the utilities took the money out before I got my hands on it. I paid rent and bills and put cash away for Xmas presents.

My eldest is talking again, he wants to cut down on red meat so his weight comes down faster. Eh!!! He doesn't eat bloody red meat.

Went to Belfast with my friend K and my youngest for K to do her Xmas shopping and us to help her, what a journey, the train got stopped. I had a business idea to travel on trains and offer Indian Head Massage and ask for donations as payment, there was a lot of business men coming home on the train back and they all looked frazzled as did the mums with their kids so it might be a good business idea.

Youngests cat has gone missing, there is no sign of the gorgeous creature anywhere.

E from the refuge rang me, she said she will do her best to go to court with me tomorrow and if she does she will meet me at the station for the 7.10am train. I hope to god she can come with me.

7^th December Court Day.

My youngest insisted on going with me “just in case because you might be on your own” I left him to sleep, it's not fair dragging him all that way when he's awake most of the night. I woke up at 3am, I was sick twice, I know it's just nerves, my button fell off my trousers so I had to cut a button from a different pair and sew it on the ones I was wearing. My bladder is over active, I read somewhere that the kidneys are the site of fear so that seems to be true in my case today, I could not stop peeing. I left the house at 6.30am to walk to the bus stop, it was pitch black and very eerie as no one else was around at all. I saw one bus go past but it was out of service, I panicked after 15 mins of waiting and read the timetable at bus stop, the buses were only every hour so if I missed the train I would miss the court call over and the case would get thrown out, what a panic. I had to flag down a cab and I got to the station at 6.50am, there was a large queue for tickets, I thought I would miss the train. E arrived at 7am, I was so relieved to see her and gave her the biggest hug. We got the train with only minutes to spare, it was very busy for that time of the morning. I saw a lad with what I thought was a cat basket but there was a bull dog inside it and he was trying to hide it because no dogs are allowed on trains except guide dogs, he had it tucked away under the table, I asked him if he wanted to borrow my large scarf and throw it over the cage the dog was in but he said no he would use his legs to hide it. The poor dog looked scared out of it's mind.

I showed E my complete file for court, she said “you are very organised and it must have taken you for ever to get it done” it did but I'm always glad to be kept busy. She asked “does it upset you having all new information on your ex, like the photo's of all those in the family home and the large 3 story house he's renovating. I said “honestly no, I have no feelings at all for that man any more and I feel disgusted that I ever did have feelings for him for so long and especially after all he did to me and my sons and continues to do so from afar” she said “he is the ultimate abuser, still knowing how to continue to abuse and control and blame anyone but himself like he says it's your fault he apparently has no money when he clearly does or it's the boys fault he has no contact with them, men like him will never change because they never see anything as their fault”

The journey went quickly but out of the blue the stench of crap was unbearable, I got my perfume out and started spraying it. E tucked her nose down her top. Three girls sitting across from us were disgusted, they thought it must have come from a person because they didn't know anything about the dog under the table in the seats in front of them. I was hysterical with laughter, the poor lad was trying to clean up the dogs mess and he looked mortified. I gave him baby wipes from my bag.

The train stopped at County L and we were told we could go no further due to severe flooding so we were getting transferred by coach for the rest of our journey. It was now 9.30am so we had only an hour to get to the court for the call over. 

It was very strange being back in County L again. I told E this was where me and my youngest left to go to London by coach after the disastrous Xmas in the cottage and still my eldest wouldn't come back with us. I even remembered where the ex stood waving us off and how I cried on that coach knowing I was again leaving my son behind and knowing I never wanted that man in my life as a husband ever again, that I knew I would never ever return to him and it broke my heart because that was not what I wanted and I didn't know for a second how he would treat his own son alone in the house. Why would I know when I always thought it was just me he hated and he had my eldest as his second in command, his new best buddy” E said “most fathers may not be a good husband but most are great fathers who put their kids above themselves” She kept asking me if I was okay re living all this stuff as I was pointing out where he worked, where my sons went to school, where I used to shop, where the cottage was, where he drove the car like a bat out of hell to scare the life out of me into agreeing to buy the cottage even tho I knew I was fucked if we ever moved there because it was so isolated. I told her “I'm fine” because I was, I said “I just wish when I previously left him when boys were small that I'd stayed away and not been sweet talked back, not listened to his promises to get himself help to change because he couldn't live without me and my sons, me and my sons might have had a decent and normal way of life in the UK back then” E said “you blame myself for far too much and you have to look at all you have achieved, you have your kids, you have your sanity when what you could have done was just upped and left on your own” she said “many do after all those years of abuse but you did not”

Going thru the small village was also strange. I pointed out the flat that the ex rented leaving my eldest all alone in the cottage but he'd claimed to the Garda he had not abandoned eldest, that he was just out getting shopping and I also showed E the 2 bed flat with it's own on site gym that he rented whilst telling the court he was skint and we were in extreme poverty.

When my stomach lurched I knew we were near the court. The bus stopped in the high street so we went for tea and toast then walked to the court, my antenna was on high alert. Camera's were everywhere but no one knew why. 

I went up to G, the court clerk, she said I would be called in last because criminal and juvenile cases were on first. The place was packed out but there was no sign of him. I felt faint with fear, nerves and lack of sleep. The bad news for me was that Judge B was not on today. I felt sick, I thought he would have got and read my letter and so saved me a lot of time and hassle. I asked a Garda where he was and he told me that Judge B was in a different court today. He told us to kill some time we should to go and sit and listen to the public cases, so we went in and had front seats, it felt wrong to me to do this because I would die if the public were to sit in with me and the ex. I doubted I would even be able to talk.

A lot of Garda and noise was going on and the public were taking up every square inch of the court room, something big was happening. The door next to me and E opened and in walked a beefy, ugly man in hand cuffs with four Garda around him, he caught my eye and he was pure evil looking. I had no idea who he was but the hairs on my body stood on end and I told E, she said “he does look a bad one”  He had murdered a young girl last year and threw her body into a lake, he had changed his name to McManus and they read out 20 more charges against him, he was sitting only 2 feet away from us, me and E could not look at him, the badness just oozed out of him.

At 1pm I told E we would probably be told to come back after lunch but the judge just carried on. I heard a cough and I knew the ex was behind me and very close too.  I whispered to E and she asked “how in gods name do you know it's him from just a cough” I said “I heard that for years” I had to go to the toilet and I couldn't believe my eyes, the ex was sitting immediately behind me and I didn't know he was there at all, that freaked me out.

When I got back the judge had thrown everyone out because the juvenile cases were now on. Me and E went outside, I kept my back to the ex. E said “the boys are the image of him” I said “I'm shocked at his appearance” because he was dressed like a tramp, she said “most men do dress like that to look poverty stricken in front of a judge but it's the oldest trick in the book and all judges know this and most women take pride in their appearance out of respect for themselves and the court” The ex looked dirty and gaunt, the bones on his face were jutting out, he was carrying a large ruck sack and wearing a filthy grey ribbed cardigan, he looked a mess, there was no sign of his pin striped suit here. I told E “I don't know what the fuck I ever saw in him and his tactics haven't seem to change because he surrounds himself with youngsters who all don't work because they're all out saving some hill and he must be throwing money at them, bulk buying organic food, making himself indispensable but none of them will get to see the real him unless he has snared them good and proper. I think it must be exhausting to be him, having to pretend to be a decent nice man and constantly hide his abusive side when the real him is awful to his wife and his own children”

We went back inside and sat down next to the court door, people were going in and out continually. I must have missed my name being called because before I knew it the ex was standing in front of me and nodded his head to the side and told me “move” he was nodding his head towards the court room. I ignored him and carried on talking to E, she said “what a cheek he has, not a look or a word of acknowledgement the whole time you've been here and he thinks he can just order you about” I said “I'm glad he did that because you can see what he's like” she said “we know Anne, never think no one believes all you say is true as your life with him is up there with the worse cases of Domestic Violence”

I headed into the court and said hello to G, the clerk who was doing the typing for the judge then I said hello to the judge and I sat down. The ex again sat directly behind me, the judge told him “move, move away from your wife” and made him sit in the seats to the far left. The ex opened his ruck sack and reams of loose paper came tumbling out. I was so pleased I'd got myself organised with a proper file even tho it took me forever to do. I don't care how strong a person is and how innocent they are, when it comes to going to court it always makes you feel like you have done something wrong and your nerves go to pieces.

The judge seemed confused as to who brought the case. I told him “I did because I want maintenance raised in line with inflation and despite having both District and Circuit court orders I'm not getting the maintenance as I should” the judge couldn't find the Circuit court order in the file he had in front of him, G the court clerk went off thru a back door to find it. I told the judge “I never received a copy of it myself” the judge asked “how much extra do you want” I said “another €10 on top and assurance that I receive the maintenance on time because Xmas is only 3 weeks away” The ex then butted in and said “the maintenance is up to date and I always pay it” I pulled out my calendars showing clearly when he paid but more importantly when he did not which is frequently, for November all he had paid was €130, the ex said “I paid €440 into the court on Friday” and G confirmed it. I said “I've not been informed about that and I've not received anything”

The judge asked him “what is your income” he said “approximately €200 per week because I recently started up my own business” I laughed and told the judge “he packed in his job after I got an Attachment of Earnings and sold his share of an exclusive London address and pocketed all funds from the marriage and sales of prior family home and I didn't see a penny of any of it” the ex said “the proceeds from prior family homes was spent on the cottage because it needed refurbishing” I pulled out the photo's of the cottage from my file that his new woman had posted online and handed them up to the judge to prove he was lying. I pulled out the bank statements I had to prove what money he had in his different bank accounts after the ex claimed he only had one bank account and I proved he had six that I knew of and I gave them to the judge.

The judge asked him “what assets do you have” the ex claimed “I have none”

I pulled out the valuation of the property he sold his share of, the house next door was sold for £1.5 million. The judge asked him “what was your share” and he answered “one sixth” he was asked “how much did you get” he replied “£55,000” the judge started shouting at him, “are you telling me that the building is worth £300,000 only when your wife has indisputable proof to the contrary, did you get a valuation” the ex said “yes” he asked him “did you use a solicitor” the ex said “yes” the judge asked him “ show me the proof” and the ex started going thru individual pieces of paper but he produced nothing.

The judge said “I want you back here with a full disclosure of all bank accounts both here and in England and I want the valuation and the solicitors letter the next time in court or you'll be in serious trouble” I asked the judge “what about my maintenance” the judge said “as he handed it in on Friday, you should have it in the bank today so there is nothing I can do” but he then told the ex “you have been ordered by the court, not once but twice to pay and so pay you will” and he asked him “ have I made myself clear” the ex said “yes your honour”

I asked the judge “can I ask a question about the family home” he said “yes” I told him about all the people living there and I'd shown him the photo's to prove it and asked “am I entitled to half any rent the ex must obviously be getting as I am co owner” the judge said “you are, keep that till the next court date in January and it will be discussed in full then”

We were finished and I walked out, the place had been almost empty when I went in but now it was full of Garda. I did a jig over to where E was sitting, she said “look at the size of that smile on your face, that is one happy lady” and she gave me a hug, the Garda started laughing saying “it went well then” I said “you have no idea” E and I left. I asked her to hang back because the ex was in front of us hovering at the exit doors and was looking back at me. When we got out I told E I couldn't see his car, she told me it was in a light blue 1992 car, he had a maroon car the last time I saw it.

I am over the moon at getting this discovery, it's all I ever wanted in the first place, this is nothing to do with revenge, it's for my sons and equality for all the years I worked, for decency, morality and justice. He has no one to blame but himself.

It was a very long journey back and I was so grateful I had the company of E, it would have been a nightmare on my own, I told her all that was said by me, by the ex and the judge.

My youngest rang me a couple of times to find out when I would be home. K sent me a couple of texts of support. I rang my youngest. When I got home he had all the Xmas tree lights on and had lit a fire and had lit my candles lit too, the house looked lovely and welcoming. I thanked him and gave him a hug. I went up to my eldest who asked me to start from beginning to the end about all that had happened. I asked him for a hug, I said I needed one after the day I had and he gave me one, a huge bear hug, it nearly started me off crying because this was a rarity from him, he told me to get off him because I was almost strangling him, I wasn't, it just meant he'd had enough of hugging. I let him go, I love him so much and just wish to god he was back to normal again. I got his dinner then went round to my friend K's

K was thrilled for me. I had two large vodka's in her house then felt dead on my feet and walked home at 11pm. I went straight into bed and slept till 8am, my first full nights sleep in over three weeks.

8^th December

I checked my bank and €440 maintenance was there. I was so happy about it. I was dancing when I went to my counselling session, the receptionist laughed, she said “you obviously have good news” L heard us and came out and she started laughing too, she said to me, “it went well in court then Anne, I'm delighted for you” I told her about my eldest giving me the biggest bear hug, L said “it must be wonderful to cry tears of happiness instead of anger, frustration, fear, sadness and loneliness” I said “all I do now is cry” she said “that is good as all pain is then coming out of you” and told me “you are some woman” She said “it's clear as day that it's not you who has not moved on but your ex because he is still abusing you all thru finances because he has nothing else left to abuse you with” She told me “you should be so very proud of yourself at never giving up or giving in despite all knock backs and set backs” K had said the same thing to me so I had better start believing it myself.

Next weekend is my last counselling session until after Xmas. I'm still on a high and I love this feeling.

I went strolling around the town. I got my youngest some Xmas presents, it's now far too late to even try and get him a Zooter from the UK so I'm hoping I can pull off getting him a net book I know that he really wants and Pokemon games too. When I got home my eldest hid all the presents in his bedroom for me.

No sleep had again by me, what is going on.

9^th December

I put €100 on my 3V card in the hopes I can keep adding to it and have enough money to get my youngest the net book and my eldest an E reader, it will be a miracle if I can pull it off.

K's parcels arrived from Amazon. I sent her a text and she came round for 3 hours, she is great company.

Freedom of Info stuff came from both County L and County S. I just put them aside without opening them.

10^th December

I ordered my youngests net book and a carry case and a game cube controller. I know he will be overjoyed as not in million years will he expect it at all.

I opened the Freedom of Information mail and was incensed to come across a reply from Kathleen Kane to the council I had tried to get housing with. They had written to her for confirmation that I'd rented a house under the RAS scheme and asked that she forward any relevant information. Kathleen Kane had replied saying ring me ASAP to discuss this case

This was her letter to them:

“With reference to our conversation earlier, here is the brief synopsis of our Ms. X. She originally surfaced in June privately renting with two boys, one of whom has Aspergers Syndrome who she told me basically stayed in his room all the time. She had heard of the RAS and albeit she was not 18 months on rent allowance, I felt sorry for her and set her up in a RAS contract at **** (a 3 bedroom house) in July. We heard nothing from her until a letter of 14^th January stating that due to her attempts to seek professional help for her son she had been offered and accepted housing with **** Her address would be ****** I was very annoyed then as she led me to believe that County S. would be her home and her landlady was quite annoyed also. I would be inclined to think that her housing needs have been met on two separate occasions but you can make your own call, if I can be of any further help, please ring me. Kathleen Kane”

That spiteful, frosty bitch. I was within my rights as per my contract to give 4 weeks notice so how dare she describe me as such and the whole tone of her correspondence set my teeth on edge. I wrote her a letter in reply but I couldn't sleep so I found her email address and sent it plus my views of her.

RE: Mrs X

Dear Kathleen Kane, I have in my possession a document written by you which I have attached to this letter. How dare you interfere with my legitimate claim for adequate housing for myself and my children, the tone you have used throughout is disparaging and I am informing you now that I do not think you have acted in a professional manner at all and I will be seeing my solicitor with this document and if I can take you to task regarding your apparent personal issue with me of which I had no clue about then I fully intend to do so. If this is what you have put in writing regarding myself and my children then god only knows what you have said about me in the telephone conversation you also had about me. This has affected my pursuit of permanent housing which is medically urgent re my son so perhaps you can understand my reaction.

• “The brief synopsis of our Ms X” Firstly I am still a married woman so I am no Ms, nor am I an “our” your condescending manner is palpable.

• “She originally surfaced in June” Do you normally describe prior clients as if they have surfaced like sewer rats? For your information I have lived in Ireland since September 2002. I left my husband due to Domestic Abuse and I found myself accommodation with the help of a Domestic Violence agency. I was advised to leave the family home by the Team Leader of the Social Work Department to get my son who has Aspergers Syndrome “away from all memories of abuse and you will find help and support no matter where you go”

• “She told me he basically stayed in his room all the time” My son due to all abuse we all went through did not cope well and stopped going out of any house we lived in unless heavily medicated. I have fought and sought professional help for him ever since and have many expert reports both medical and psychiatric, to this date he has still not ventured outside. Are you suggesting that I have made any of this up?

• “She had heard of the RAS” Wrong, I distinctly remember telling you I thought RAS stood for Rent Allowance Supplement and that I was already receiving this.

• “I felt sorry for her and set her up in a RAS contract” How dare you pity me, I presume your job is to find tenants for landlords who cannot sell their homes not set yourself up to pick and choose whom you feel sorry for. I find this extremely insulting. I readily accepted the accommodation because you told me if I did not accept one from the three you showed me I would lose Rent Allowance for 12 months, these were your actual words to me.

• “We heard nothing from her until a letter of 14^th January stating that due to her attempts to seek professional help for her son, she had been offered and accepted housing with ****” Wrong again. I personally came into the council with the letter and four weeks rent as per my contract, it was all legal and above board, in fact you told me that even though the contract claimed that the tenancy was for up to four years that either side could give four weeks notice at any time, which I did so in person, you came out and asked me if I knew what I was doing as I would never again be able to get Rent Allowance anywhere if I was leaving which I later found out not to be correct.   My reasons for leaving were regards my eldest but also for my youngest who had been bullied frequently and disgustingly at his school, so much so that I had to withdraw him for his own safety, he had to attend casualty on three occasions so severe were the injuries he received, these lovely children then took to cat calling both my youngest and I in the street and the child would not leave the house unaccompanied. The last straw was whilst I was studying one weekend per month, I collapsed and the hospital told me it was an asthma attack so bad they had to admit me as I was very ill. I could not be admitted due to having no one and I mean no one to look after my children, the HSE would not as my eldest would not engage with anyone other than me so I had to tell the hospital no they were not admitting me and they allowed me home after 6 hours with a drip in my vein pumping steroids into me. I contacted an agency I trust telling them I could not carry on solo any more, I quit fighting the HSE for help, support etc. and the agency by now worried about me after knowing me since 2006 suggested **** in Dublin as there's an office on site with staff present from 9am to 5pm, which means if I need to be hospitalised there is someone here that can aid my children to remain at home and so not cause my eldest any undue stress, so apologies that I have no family in Ireland and no friends either due to having no social life as I am my son’s full time carer and only leave the house once per day for shopping purposes.

• “I was very annoyed then as she had led me to believe that S would be her home and her landlady was quite annoyed also” Why would you be annoyed at me following the contract as per written and signed. I did not know my youngest would be hounded by thugs and shouted at in the street that he was “an English Bastard” I did not know that he was going to have a black eyes and a torn cheek, I did not know that he would have the cartilage in his knee torn so that he would be on crutches for three weeks, I did not know that the last attack on him had the hospital staff believe his sternum was cracked and perhaps had punctured his lung too. I did not know I would collapse from an asthma attack, I did not know I would be moving from Billy to Jack simply to seek help for my son which should have been forth coming immediately I reported there was a problem and you have the audacity to say you were annoyed. It is of no interest to me whether the landlady was annoyed or not, it may have caused her worry which I am sorry about as I know exactly what worry is but I am sure that had she given me four weeks notice not a word would have been said and in any event I paid my rent on time, I decorated the house from top to bottom, I left the house spotless, which it was not when I moved in, I had to clean it myself, I put up curtains etc. and I left them there, I also bought fleeces to cover the badly torn suite. I bought two bin bags at €10 each and left them so she would not be out of pocket re bin charges, there does not seem to be any mention of the good tenant that I know I am and have glowing references from other landlords to prove it.

• “I would be inclined to think that her housing needs have been met on two separate occasions but you can make your own call” My housing needs were clearly not being met but then you are aware of this as I told you why I was moving which I did not need to do on 14^th January, in my personal view due to the very tone and the condescending way you refer to me and talk about me, it appears that you have allowed your ego to get in the way of your professionalism. I did nothing wrong at all, yet to read this you seem to hold a grudge because I gave notice to quit which is my legal right to do so. I did not in any way shape or form have to give you my reasons why but as I trusted you I did so and now you have used this against me, is this what other prior tenants suffer. You will be happy to know that after I applied to that council as that area was where my children knew very well and wanted to return to but due to you and I now hold you fully responsible as there was no other reason for them to refuse me housing, they declined my application, despite having all and every medical and psychiatric support for same. I am giving the document to my local TD who has asked questions in the Dail on my behalf previously to see whether or not what you have written is common practice. I think you are a disgrace of a woman, to do such a thing. We shall see if my solicitor feels I have a case regards this matter. Cc E Refuge Support Worker.

I went back to bed and still woke up again after only 2 hours sleep. I am fit for nothing.

11^th December

Rang Legal Aid asking to speak to my solicitor. I was told she's not in and asked did I want to speak to Mary. I said Mary is not my solicitor, D is, they put me thru to a message minder so I left a voice mail at 10.55am and said “are you acting as my solicitor because I need legal representation for the

26^th January and when the judge asked me if I had a solicitor I told him I've been waiting since my first meeting with you on the 10^th August and it's now December so I need to know once and for all are you my solicitor, if not I can find one elsewhere” And I left my mobile number.

12^th December

I got 6 hours sleep. I'm gutted that there's still no sign of youngests gentle fat cat. My youngest loves him.

14^th December

Checked my bank account and no maintenance has been paid. I rang CAS they said they received maintenance on Friday but as it arrived late I will not get it until tomorrow.

Rang the court because the Judge told the ex to get all arrears paid. G the court clerk said “the judge didn't put it in writing, only that he's to pay maintenance and bring a full disclosure of all bank account home and abroad at next court date in January” I said “you were there, you must have heard him, is it not your job to type out all that is said” she replied “ I can only put on record for both parties what the judge writes, not what notes I take” I said “from now on I will make sure that I have a witness in court with me” G said “it would make no difference as the fact that the judge did not write it down himself means there is nothing that can be done. You can however issue a summons for arrears” I said “do you really expect me with my circumstances to go thru all this again” She said “it's up to you” Now I like G but this is completely taking the piss and I forgot to ask the judges name so I can do something about it in writing. I am fed up with all of this.

15^th December

Counselling with L, my lack of sleep is terrible but this is my last appointment this side of Xmas. I took in the email I wrote to Kathleen Kane, she read it, she told me “you're quite right taking her to task and you write a great letter” She said “I was thinking about you after last week as you were on such a high after court” I told her the latest re the court but I felt happy and quite content and just realise I have to deal with stupidity and problems as they arise. She asked “if all your battles stopped overnight, what would you do to keep you going” I said “I would get on with my life, get more education, carry on with my alternative therapies, all I want and need is all crap to cease, to allow my mind to be free, feel peace, and my body free of pain and arthritis and stress” She said “good answer” I really like these sessions with her.

My youngest told me he is bored out of his mind.

16^th December

I collected two weeks money for my eldest and gave him the cash, he said “use the €600 I have in the bank for Xmas because I'm not using it and you can pay it back” but I said “no thank you, you have helped me enough the past two months and you're not responsible for our Xmas but how kind you are to offer”

17^th December

Up at 6am, when my youngest got up he went to Omni Shopping centre with me so I could get my eldest an E book for Xmas, he can download all the books he wants then, I just hope it does not hurt his eyes and that he likes it.

Meeting with E the refuge support worker at 12.30pm. I showed her what Kathleen Kane had written and my reply to her, she was shocked at Kathleen Kane, not at what she'd written but the way she'd written it, she said “I'm impressed with your letter and if anyone pisses me off I will get you to reply” I laughed.

Reply email from Kathleen Kane:

"Dear Mrs X,  I refer to your email of 10^th December 2009.  I wish to apologise for the inappropriate use of language in my correspondence with County Council.  This correspondence was intended as an informal e-mail transmission to notify X County Council of the facts relating to your departure from accommodation in the X area.  On reflection, I accept how the careless use of language in the email may have caused offence.  Yours sincerely,

21^st December

Nothing in the bank re maintenance, what the frig else can I do to get this paid and paid on time. I rang the court and spoke to J, even breathing seems to be a big effort for him. He said “there's nothing I can do” and I went mental at him. He asked me for the ex's number, he said “I will phone him and send him a letter” That J bloke just cannot be arsed, his whole tone told me that.

I rang the ex in fury I said “did you get lost on the way to the court to pay maintenance considering it's Xmas week” he said “I paid last Friday” I said “I am not two minutes off the phone to the court” he then said “I'm waiting on a cheque clearing” I said “what again, you said this before and nothing appeared” He said “the the District court was shut” He is talking thru a hole in his ass. I said “you just do not give a shit about your kids do you” he said “off course I do” I shouted “but not enough to pay towards there upkeep, you are scum” and I put phone down on him. That man never fails to disgust me.

21^st December

Went to Tesco with my youngest to get Xmas shopping, I have €20 left to my name.

23^rd December

Still no maintenance, I am bollixed. The court must be closed because they're not answering the phone.

I rang the cottage, it went straight to a message saying not available to take your call. I rang his mobile, he didn't answer. I rang again at 7pm, some woman answered his phone then shouted “someone on your phone for you” I could imagine if I ever answered his phone he would have taken off for hours or days or “punished” me in some other form for doing so. He came on the phone. I asked him “where is my maintenance” He said “I paid it today, you will get it tomorrow” I said, “No I won't because the CAS office will be shut” He said “G told me you will get it tomorrow” I said “what about anything for the boys Xmas, nothing again I assume” He said “I will pay something tomorrow but it won't be as much as I hoped” I said “it will be more than you got them in previous years, a present for them would have been nice” He cut me off. The Prick.

24^th December

I have 66 cent in the bank and still no maintenance.

I am now desperate and desperately mad with fury.

I sent the ex a text telling him “I'm sending my eldests signed statement of all your abuse of him to all your new friends” Yes it might be low of me to have done that but not as low as having 66 cent in my bank account on Xmas Eve and certainly not as low as he is.

He sent me a text at 9.59am saying “I will go to town and put money into your account” So much for all his lies telling me “I paid it today, you will get in tomorrow”

At 11.35am he sent a text, “have just put in €100”

What a mad, sad and pathetic, cruel bastard he is, he smokes 60 a day costing a fortune and it takes me to completely lose it for him to send anything. I hope I'm still alive when Karma visits him.

All I want is a legal settlement for me and my sons then he can fuck off for good under the stone he deserves to be under and never have anything to control me with ever again.

25^th December

Xmas day. My youngest was awake since 5am, he made me a cup of tea, I love when he is this sweet, loving, kind boy. The living room looked lovely. My eldest got up and I watched them open their presents and I was chuffed to bits at what I'd achieved for them and they were more than happy with their presents. My youngest was over joyed about getting a net book, he didn't think he would get one. They got me a bottle of Beautiful perfume, my favourite. I made Xmas dinner at 1pm because it's my eldests favourite meal. I didn't see much of them after that.

27^th December

My eldest is biting the head off youngest for no reason at all, youngest just asked him if he was hungry and he got told to fuck off. I got youngest out of the house with me, we walked up to Tesco, it is freezing out. My headache turned out to be an attack of neuralgia, all down the right hand side of face with stabbing pains, I had to buy painkillers because I couldn't find the ones I've hidden in the house.

I went to bed after making their dinner.

28^th December

My sons are hardly coming out of their rooms, I tried talking to youngest but he said he wants to be left alone because he's busy with his Net Book. My eldest is not taking to either of us. What the hell goes on in his head I do not know, there is no need for it at all. He is not eating any meals again.

29^th December

I was up at 5am, my youngest came down and he was laughing, I asked him what the joke was, he said he'd been awake all night long, I told him he can't do this, it's bad enough eldest is up all night but him too and I'm not happy about it and it also means I cannot hoover or put on the washing machine. He told me “fucking quit bitching and moaning” I didn't even make a dinner as both were asleep during the day.

30^th December

No maintenance in the bank. I rang CAS, my case number is ******* the new rule is apparently if you do not have this number to hand and quote it then they cannot deal with you. I said “my maintenance was apparently paid so why am I still waiting for it 6 days later when it was paid in cash” I got put on hold for a long time, then I was told “it will be in your account this evening” I said “how did you work that out when banks close in the afternoons at 4pm” she repeated “the money will be in your account this evening” She then said “does €130 sound about right” I said “no, that is not what is court ordered” and asked “who's had the money for the past 6 days” she said “I don't know but the money will be in your account this evening” I could argue with anyone till the cows come home but even I couldn't listen to someone saying the same sentence over and over again. They are fools.

I took the Xmas tree down, the room now looks bare and cheerless. Pine needles were everywhere, I started throwing them on the fire and whoosh, I got the fright of my life, I didn't know they would be so combustible. My youngest helped me chop the rest of the tree down so I could get it into the bin. I found out I must be allergic to pine because my hands are cut to shreds with weeping eczema.

31^st December

K came round this morning with gifts she picked up in the sales for me, she is such a kind girl, she got me an Indian Head Massage Book and a wheat bag that heats up in the microwave. I didn't tell her I was heading to town myself to get her copy of my beautiful angel book that she can use for her art, she is an amazing oil painter. She told me she, her hubby and their kids will be in the pub most of the day and asked me to pop in.

I got my youngest up in case he wanted to spend his money in town because the sales are on. I have never seen the town as busy as that. We were in and out of shops so quickly because they were all heaving with people and there was no room to move. We went to burger king and my youngest had the biggest miserable face on him, he got so angry because I wanted to find a shop called Evolution that sold things I liked, wind chimes, incense sticks etc.

On the way home by bus my youngest took it upon himself to tell me in public and he has no voice control or perhaps he does it on purpose “you are an old hippy and should start acting more like a mum” It would not have hurt as bad if he had taken a knife and stuck it into me. The only thing I am in MY life is their mum.

I got off the bus a mile from where I should have got off. I didn't know my youngest had got off the bus too. When I saw he was behind me I exploded at him in the street “You horrible little bastard, to speak to me like that, where the fuck do I go, what the fuck do I do, except be a mum, I have no social life, no work life or sex life, do you think I am a robot, you horrible little boy, stay away from me and do not even speak to me until you apologise and mean it” I marched off ahead, how fucking dare he say anything like that to me, the only person in his life, providing all for him, I could not believe what I just heard, it appears to me that because he's not happy then I'm not allowed to be. He followed up by shouting at me as I marched away from him “the truth hurts doesn't it” I roared back sounding like a thug in a playground “so does a smack in the fucking mouth if you utter one more word like that to me” that was the closest I ever came to smacking my youngest and I never felt that way before. My plans for the day were now up shit creek. I was going to pop into the pub to see K and give her the gift I bought her, then clean the house from top to bottom then get the dinner done and be in bed so I would not be in tears when the midnight bells chimed.

I don't know why he has to be as nasty as he is, he certainly wouldn't like it, I could rip him apart verbally but do not because I know what it's like to feel pain from words and you never forget them, he has a need to insult me at least once a day, I say a need because none of what he says is ever warranted and even if it were how dare he, I'm his mum. Every day he drips poison on me that destroys the little self esteem I have “Have you seen the back of your hair” “are you really going out looking like that” “why do your eyes look funny” “you look old today” “you look fat today” “do you have to wear that” “I'm not going out with you looking like that”

He will be seriously sorry if he comes anywhere near me the rest of the day because everything that's on my mind and sitting at the back of my tongue will spew forth and he will get it with both barrels because I am done with his nasty crap.

I went into the pub and saw K, her hubby and their kids and I felt a bit jealous. I want that, normality, fun, socialisation. I told her I couldn't stay for a drink because I had the dinner on, it wasn't true but I wasn't going to offload to K about what my youngest said to me on the bus. K waved at someone and I turned around and saw my youngest was standing at the door, I didn't even know he had followed me and I couldn't tell him to bugger off because I didn't want to let K know anything, they all looked so happy, I was not ruining that for them with my tales of woe.

I ignored my youngest and walked back to the house. What he said to me had really, really hurt me. I was so positive this morning. I had looked forward to finding that shop in town and getting K an Angel book, how could he on purpose hurt me so much and in front of people. I have never gone out of my way to hurt either him or his brother, it's not in my nature so why the hell is it in him to do so to me. What pleasure could he possibly get from it because there was no other reason for it, I do not abuse him, hurt him, neglect him, scream at him, well I did scream at him today but only as a last resort.

He is turning into a really horrible person.

I made dinner and told him “stay the hell away from me” it did cross my mind to take back the net book and get my money back but chaos would have ensued with my eldest joining in for the craic, what a frigging life.

I went to bed at 10pm and was awake till 5am. I could hear my youngest awake the whole night too. 

Happy frigging New Year.