I cannot cope 2011

1^st January

I slept okay last night and didn't hear the New Year bells which I'm happy about so I didn't cry. I've cried enough tears for too many years now.

When I switched my phone on there was a text message saying “Happy New Year Mam, may this year mean all your dreams come true" from T and another text saying "Happy New Year Anne to you and the boys and I hope it's a good one" I hadn't a clue who that was from because I don't know the number, it's not on my phone.

Eldest came down whilst I was sitting at kitchen table sorting out documents for all my utilities. I said “good morning and Happy New Year son” and got a grunt in reply. I told him “I need this year and all the years of my future life to be different with no abuse and no crap” He ignored me, went to the toilet then back up the stairs again.

I sorted all the letters I need to send off re change of address.

4^th January

Had to go and meet the Housing Officer today at the old address so she could check the house. She said “you have been one of the best and most honest tenants we ever had” I laughed at that and reminded her “we had 20 Garda at the door” but I thanked her and gave her a hug.

The Open University tutor said she would give me a one week extension for my now over due essay, god I expected more time than that but I will just do my best to get it done.

6^th January

Eldest wants "new trousers, socks and pants but not shit cheapo ones"

Had three missed calls from the ex's phone, no voice mail was left. It's probably because we're back in court this month. Not a snowball in hells chance am I calling him back.

7^th January

My friend rang me, she has moved jobs but said “you can't get rid of me that easily" and she will still ring me every Friday because she wants to. I don't know what I would do without her, we had a long chat.

9^th January

I managed to get my Open University Essay done and sent in to my tutor by email, I know I will not get a good mark for it because my usual effort has not been put into this one but I'm proud of myself getting it done as life has been hectic with moving etc so as long as I get a pass for it I will be happy.

11^th January

Youngest is in a massive strop over his Home Economics teacher insisting he re sits an exam with the rest of the class despite the fact he got an A for it. I wrote a letter to the school telling them there's no point in youngest being punished for the rest of the class failing the exam and that he can't not get any higher than an A. Christ almighty the boy went on and on about it for hours and hours with non stop ranting and raving, so much so, he gave me a headache. I told him his mouth needs cleaning out because he was calling everyone in the school "retards and cunts" the abuse then started coming my way because I was telling him off for his foul mouth, I walked away. FFS he's told me about it and I have dealt with it so why can he not just shut up and be grateful.

I have no maintenance. When the fuck is this ever going to end, not even him sitting in the courts holding cell to be transported to Mount joy jail has changed anything.

18^th January

School meeting with youngests two teachers. It looks like I only got my youngests version of events re his refusal to re sit the exam he got an A in. Even tho "he did indeed get an A, it doesn't mean he got 100%" which seemed a bit odd to me. One teacher said “I'm happy to have him in my class because he's a very bright and a willing learner but the whole class were told they have to re sit the exam as a revision aid for the real thing" I was told "year 5 is for continual revision towards the Leaving Cert" and youngest had "pushed the paper away and put his head down on the desk and turned to the person sitting next to him and said “why should I have to do this test when I've passed it, it's a punishment for the fucking retards that failed" I was so embarrassed at hearing that and now so ashamed I sent in a letter to defend him.

The teacher went on "I felt undermined and disrespected and if I could hear him then so could the other students which is also disrespectful to them" I was told "in the English class, the teacher is young and he seems to go out of his way to correct her, to remind her of things and she too feels embarrassed about how he is with her" The school "do think he's is an asset and he can go far with how bright he is but this has got to be nipped in the bud now because what he's said is against the school rules and he should have been suspended, we want, need and deserve an apology so we can draw a line under it and move on" "we know he's not very sociable which is why we always ask him how he is" they said "we will do anything we can to assist him, to help him fit in" I was getting more and more shocked by the minute, what do they mean he's not sociable and they want to help him fit in, I'm not liking the sound of this and I'm raging at youngest doing what they said he did and what he said in the class re the exam. He is acting a disgrace.

Youngest was repeatedly texting me asking me how long I was going to be in the school and asking me where I was.

I met him at the shopping centre. He wanted to know all about the meeting and asked did I get his Math exam results, I did, he got 92%.

I told him the meeting was nothing at all to do with his Math exam and told him what I'd just been told and I'm furious with him for not telling me the real story, just his version of it and in future as I often told him, “you can think what you bloody well like but you cannot say whatever is on your mind aloud because it's hurtful and disrespectful and you should know how it feels when people treated you badly in another County” he wasn't having any of it, he was adamant he was right and everybody else was wrong. I told him “be quiet” I had heard enough today and was not about to listen to him rant and rave and I had a headache and told him I would not talk about it any more because I had shopping to do. I headed off to Dunnes and then got the bus home but I was almost in tears on the bus with him sitting next to me telling me what he thought about me in his always loud voice. I am ashamed of him, the bus was packed and people were looking at us and I wish I could just smacked him in the mouth to shut him up. I do not know this person he has become. I feel a failure as a mum, I always drilled into both of them that their behaviour is a reflection of me, they are nothing like me at all. I never thought that my youngest would ever let me down. I'm not happy with him at all reducing me to tears in public.

Once home I got the dinner made then went and lay down on my bed, my mind was working overtime over youngest and me not recognising who he is any more. I know he told me he was reading up on Aspergers but could he actually have it or something else. I'm terrified for him. That person who talks to me so disrespectfully and who I've been told about in school is not the son I know.

Youngest is now telling me “I think I have Aspergers Syndrome” I do not believe a word of it. He just needs an excuse to excuse his dire behaviour.

I now have two sons acting like Hitler towards me. I am abused verbally and mentally on an almost hourly basis. I am repeatedly threatened with violence. I am actually asked if I want a slap or punch in the face by my eldest. I am told repeatedly all that they think of me, all that I am no good for and I am still coping solo with no active services or supports in place. I sent Edel from Gheel a text telling her what the school said and how they remarked that youngest talked very blunt. My blood was actually running cold about all that was said and then my youngest acting like a total thug towards me on the bus.

Because youngest wouldn't listen to me at all, I intended to put it in black and white for him to see if that would sink in because I have enough to deal with without him acting like someone I do not know and I'm truly sick of his abuse.

19^th January

The letter I wrote youngest did not go down well at all, he ripped it up, he was acting like the little Hitler he's become, he was spouting madness about the Freedom of Speech Act, he'd printed it out and was quoting it to me chapter and verse and pacing up and down in front of me as I was sitting on the couch then he ripped it up. He was shouting at me "the English Teacher is a cunt and has no respect for us, the students, she actually said that her last class was like teaching a class of Autistic's" I'm not going back to that cunting school and I'm not fucking staying here as you have proved where your loyalties lie so you are a cunt too and you can fuck off" I was stunned into silence, all I could think of was my brother in law who is mentally ill and I'm convinced both my sons are mentally ill too. I know from reading up on it that it starts in the teen years. My kids lives are destroyed and in turn they are going to ensure I am destroyed, I cannot live with any mental illness, I do not deal or cope with it well at all. It spins my brain into submission due to fear. I fear the unknown of mental illness because I do not have a mental illness. I have an emotional illness. That's the only way I can explain or describe it.

I went to bed at 8.30pm stressed out of my mind. I woke up at 3.45am so got up, I relish the peace and quiet when no son of mine is around. Youngest came down at 7.30am. I was relieved to see he had his school uniform on, I reminded him it was a half day.

I got the bus to Tesco and when I got back my eldest was waiting for me and told me “take a Xanax before I tell you something" him saying that put the fear of god into me. I told him “spit it out now, I don't need any tablet” He said that an author he likes is a white supremacist and he's been on his website and his mailing list but this author has now been accused of putting a bomb somewhere in America during the Martin Luther King march and he's worried about us getting a knock on the door because he's a fan of the author. I told him “don't worry, if anyone comes to the door they will have to get past me first” He stayed talking to me, he's in a good mood today, he said he wants to join the army.

Text from the ex at 3.35pm " I am not fit for court tomorrow, I have informed the court office" FFS

I rang the court and got told "pay no heed to that text, it's a summons and you still need to attend and you can inform the court of all prior shenanigans in another County of him issuing summons and then not appearing for them and he now appears to be starting this in Dublin because he must have known he was ill long before the day he was due in court, it will probably just be struck out and he will still have to pay the maintenance as it's a standing court order" (he's not bloody paying anything) she went on "I would know a lot of men who pull this stunt then actually turn up in court but they message their ex's so they don't turn up just to get them into trouble so you need to make sure you still attend or a warrant will be issued for your arrest" This is all sheer fucking madness.

20^th January Court.

Youngest came with me, it was freezing cold. F arrived, still no female solicitor in attendance with me despite what she told me at the very beginning of this journey. The ex's name was called at the call over. F stood up and told the court about the text and that the ex will not be attending, he was told we would be seen first. Everyone piled out and we stayed behind. F asked the judge for an Isaac Wunder Application after explaining to the judge how many prior times the ex has done this and that I had to previously travel 3 hours by train and the ex would be a no show for his own summons and the case had been transferred to Dublin for this reason.

The judge agreed to the Isaac Wunder order. It means the ex cannot keep applying for a summons just for the sake of it and he will have to have a very good reason and stand in front of a judge before hand to plead the reasons why before any future summons of his can be issued.

F said to me "this will give him a taste of his own medicine, your man has serious problems the past 5 years, he's obviously lost it as look at all he's done, look at who he is mixing with and you wont find out anything at all unless you get his backside into court for divorce"

I walked around the town with my youngest once we left the court. Youngest was in a bad mood again. He is not happy that a Model Agency put the photo they took of him on their website. He would not be happy if he won the frigging lottery this boy.

21^st January

I am losing it with youngest, he came home from school mouthing off “I refused to apologise to the two teachers and the school want another meeting with you” I need this like a hole in my head. I told him “your behaviour and attitude is a disgrace and the school were good enough to take you on in the first place after you sat at home on your ass for two years, who the hell do you think you are” . He stomped off to his bedroom like the grown up toddler he's acting like. The selfish, arrogant twat.

22^nd January

Youngest said "I will apologise, just to get all you bitches of my cunting back"

24^th January

Youngests teacher rang me. She said “we are so happy he has apologised, it's been accepted so we are drawing a line in the sand now and we're thrilled that he can now see both sides so there's no need for us to have a meeting now” If only they knew the truth behind his apology.

I rang an Orthodontist for eldest, the cost for top and bottom braces is €2,800 but they are only for 6 months.

I missed the postman with a delivery because eldest would not answer the door. If it's another summons I will go insane. I can't collect it till after 1pm.

It is another fucking summons. I rang the court and told them “I have an Isaac Wunder summons just put in place 6 days ago so what the hell is going on” The man I was talking to said “it was lifted to allow him to appear in person and plead his case on Monday in front of the Judge but it doesn't mean it's lifted for good, just for now and he must have had a good reason” I told the bloke exactly what my evil bastard of a husband is like.

I had to go to the court and pay out another €50 for a Legal Aid Cert which fucks up my weekly finances yet again. A horrible, awful woman was at the hatch downstairs in the court.

Clerk- “What’s your court number” ?

Me- “Sorry, I can't remember, the stress has left me completely blank”

Clerk: “Now come on, you have been here how many times now”

Me: “Not a clue, the ex brings me here and I have enough to deal with as it is”

Clerk: “Are you sure this is his address”

Me: “No idea, it's not my job to update the court with his address, I do not keep tabs on him”

Clerk: “It's not my job either, if you do not know his address, I cannot help you”

Me: “It's in his interest to keep you informed, not me”

Clerk: “Well can he afford to pay”

Me: “How is that your business, that is for a judge to decide, over half a million Euro has gone thru his bank accounts and I have no idea where to”

Clerk: “He's probably spent it”

WHAT THE FUCK!!! What a wagon of a woman, it's not her job to comment, to ask personal questions, to remark, all she has to do is do her job. I am simply a client seeking a service, she is there to provide that service, how the fuck is that difficult to do.

When my youngest got home I told him the school rang me about his apology, he said “I'm not fucking sorry at all, I just want their bitching at me to stop" He went into the kitchen then started roaring "there is no fucking food in this house" I told him “you will not find food in the cupboard where the sweets, biscuits and crisps normally are" I felt like screaming back at him to go and complain about it to your father but I didn't as it would have solved nothing. I just want a break from all this, from him, from this horrible life of mine.

Eldest has been in good form lately but he has gone quiet talking wise, I hope this doesn't mean he's storing stuff up inside him to explode soon.

2^nd February

The solicitor rang. She told me “you should just go ahead and get a divorce in default of defence but you will not get your full disclosure” I said “we talked about this last year and it's not what I want and you should know by now that all I want is my day in court and the truth to be found out re everything” She said “the way he's acting he could just plead that he's ill and doesn't understand anything due to his mental health problems” I said “he had no problems hiding almost three quarters of a million Euro and it's a frigging disgrace this has now been going on for 6 years and I have no money, nothing and me going in and out of the District court has achieved fuck all for us and I still ain't getting any maintenance and I'm sick of it” She said she would call me back. She did call me back and told me “he's put in an appearance which means he has 10 days to acknowledge receipt of divorce and will defend your application for a divorce” All I could think was like hell he will, it's just more stalling tactics.

9^th February

Voice mail from the Principal at youngests school "he's upset, he's getting a hard time from a couple of the lads, I saw him in the corridor and asked him if he was okay, he ignored me and walked to the toilets, I followed him so he left the school grounds, I went after him and encouraged him to go back with me to my office"

When I got home from Tesco I rang the Principal and the first thing out of his mouth was “he has agreed his social skills are crap, he never speaks to the girls, he's agreed he's arrogant, he's refusing to meet with the school psychologist, he said he wants to leave or change school but worst of all and I'm shocked that he said this was - it's too late for words, it's time for blood - I would be very worried at this being said and it all started because one of the lads googled his name and found him and his model agency photograph and has told everyone about it”

I don't know what the hell I am going to do about this boy of mine.

When youngest got home he went straight to bed and wouldn't eat his dinner, he said “not hungry” I told him “I know what's going on because the Principal rang me and told me” I asked him “don't bottle things up” he just kept saying "fuck off please, just fuck off" I'm at a loss. I'm worried sick for him and about him.

I later sat on his bed and asked him “why the hell is someone googling your name” he said “it's that cunt T he won't leave me alone, he calls me a prick every time he sees me and throws things at me" I told youngest “it will not happen any more and you need to always tell me what's going on with you because I cannot read minds and I will go up to the school and sort it out”

I wrote a two page letter to the Principal before realising the school was only open a half day tomorrow so I rang the school for their email address and asked that the Principal read my email as soon as possible.

"Dear Principal: Re: our conversation today at 4.10pm regarding my son. I have never known my son to be as upset as he was coming home from school this evening and instead of his normal routine he went straight to bed and stayed there having had no dinner and not even going onto his computer which is highly irregular and tells me something extremely serious has had to have happened today at school before you saw him in the corridor and he then left the school premises.

What I did find out is that my son is bullied constantly by T the same lad who hit him in the balls “just messing” this fine young man apparently since that incident now has a vendetta against my son yet my son was his victim and had done nothing wrong, this fine young man calls my son “prick” amongst other names at every opportunity and thinks it's okay to fire missiles at my son at every given opportunity, when he is minding his own business going from class to class, going to the canteen etc. Again this fine young man took it upon himself to Google my son’s name, even tho they are not friends in any way shape or form, nor in the same class and found out that my son has been signed up by a model agency, something that I am very proud about and is my child’s own personal business, he then sent a text regards this to pupils in my son's class. You said he was having a hard time from a couple of lads; it is now clear that it is more than “a couple of lads”. You said he is not being hit yet missiles are being thrown his way constantly, in my personal view psychological abuse is worse as no one gets to see the pain it causes.

I then asked my youngest if anyone else was on his back and he replied “yes loads of them both in class and out of class” I asked him if anyone was standing up for him, he said “no, not really” but a "friend" just told him to take it in his stride” youngest replied, how could he, it was too much to cope with. This brings me to the recommendation from yourself that youngest should really talk to the psychologist as his “social skills are crap and he is arrogant” something you said youngest agreed with, yet youngest is not bullying anyone nor is he attempting to physically hurt anyone either, nor is he searching for information online in an attempt to do god knows what, with any information found (youngest has had the use of computers at home since age 4 years and is very proficient with same, he is also not stupid and would never provide his full name details on any site he frequents) he attends school because he wants, needs and deserves an education as he is hugely intelligent and wants to do something with his life. As you know because I provided full details of the serious injuries he received at the last school he attended, the whole male population at that school, 100 in total made my son’s life hell on earth and it took him two years to regain some confidence to return to education and I am very proud that he did so. He does not deserve this. Others in your opinion may find him to be “different” he may lack in your opinion “social skills” but he does not attend school to socialise. Telling the victim of bullying that they need to see the school psychologist when they are the one doing no wrong is an insult to him. I know that this is not your intention and I know that your heart is in the right place regarding helping my son but the hurt he is going through is caused by other pupils and it needs to be nipped in the bud now or my son’s life is going to be wasted and for what. I do hope you find out why"

10^th February

Youngests year head from the school rang me asking “how is he” I told her I sent an email to the school re his version of what has actually been going on. She said she hadn't seen the email. I told her “youngest had been telling me that he thinks he has Aspergers Syndrome and the school are telling him he's arrogant and lacks social skills etc. which has not helped matters” She asked if she could talk to youngest and I handed him the phone, she asked him if he would go in and see her tomorrow at 9.10 a.m. he said “okay but not without my mum”

11^th February

Went up to the school with youngest. His year head was very nice and friendly, she asked him “will you find it easier to write out what happened” because he kept telling her “I am physically incapable of saying it out loud” The Principal came into the room and recommended “he sees the school psychologist” youngest kept telling him “no” I said “just leave him alone now, you have had your answer and you are stressing him out” The Principal then said “I am still extremely worried at him saying to me "it's time for blood" I find he doesn't even meet my eye when talking” I said “he (who was still in the same room as us writing at a table) thinks he may have Aspergers Syndrome and you cannot force anyone with this condition to look you in the eye as you have repeatedly tried to force him to do” I said “force is not the answer to anything” The Principal said “I am disappointed that he has not been telling us what's been going on” I said “I'm disappointed this school has violent little oiks who think what they are saying and doing to my son is okay, they are hurting my son and it had better stop and stop now” He said "we didn't know" I said “you knew when he got a "box in the balls" and you knew when you left your last voice mail to me” The year head said “I will talk to those involved and ring youngest when I've done so”

We left the school then youngest told me he was “staying on the bus because I want to go to town alone” and told me “I don't need you as a babysitter” I could have reminded him he couldn't go to the school without his mum as he told his year head on the phone but I didn't. I just got off the bus when it got to the roundabout.

When youngest got back from town he told me he'd got himself work experience for school in a camping shop. I'm so pleased and proud of him.

His year head rang me at 5pm, she said she was still at the school but hadn't had time to speak to those responsible or involved but she would do so on Monday and youngest can go back to school on Tuesday.

14^th February

I am 51 years old FFS, I can't quite believe it, another year older, another year in paradise, NOT!!

Youngest gave me a birthday card, chocolates and ear phones plus a €20 Boots Voucher, Lush soap and bath bombs. He always puts a lot of thought into presents. When I said “thank you, that was so unexpected” he said “I got the money from brother” so I went to thank Eldest too, he said Happy Birthday so all is well in my world today.

I was up early to meet M from the refuge I had lived in to go to DCC to meet a woman who will be my support, it's a service they give to people who have been homeless a long time. M was driving me there. We met a lovely girl called L who explained she was linked in with a charity who provide support to live independently, I said “it's support due to my personal circumstances that I need, nothing else” She said “that will be okay, I can help you with that too” I asked “please do not turn up at my door with a file in your hand to let all the neighbours know you're a professional because I want to be just like everyone else” She laughed at that. M then ran me home.

Eldest told me he wants dumb bells from Argos to start doing weight training and told me to go and get them.

Youngest was very nervous about going back to school. I gave him a pep talk but it does not look like it helped at all. I know that life is tough for everyone but Christ please give us a break or I will stop believing in you. That thought made me laugh as I remember the psych in the other County we lived in asking me “have you ever heard Eldest talking to himself or talk to someone who wasn't there” I told him “you will be locking up most people in Ireland if you judge anyone on that because all Catholics I know are talking to someone they don't know and cannot see and they attend huge buildings to do so in their thousands so you better ask for a lot of funding from the HSE because I can see many new psychiatric buildings going up” He was a strange man, that Dr Creane, he wouldn't know a sense of humour if it hit him in the arse.

Youngests year head from the school rang, she told me “I had a general chit chat with the class and found there's four students who said all they want to do is attend school, do their work in peace and leave and go home and the class has agreed” She did not mention the T bully at all.

My back is killing me today.

15^th February

I'm worried sick about how youngest is coping. I keep expecting the school to ring me with yet another problem. I just want him safe.

I emailed my friend about youngest.

“Hi Friend, I have not had a minute spare to write in peace about youngest. He has just gone back to school today after having the past week off, the school told him when to come back as they wanted to have a chat with certain pupils. My nerves are shattered for his welfare. My subject line above is driving me nuts trying to decide why youngest is now as he is, as I told you he's insisting that I accept that he has Aspergers as he investigated the subject in depth and I have to admit that I do not want to accept it but he is now "odd" (terrible word) and I hate to say that I can be quite embarrassed in his company. How can someone just change like this or have I been totally blind and much too focussed on eldest?. We no longer have conversations, I'll be chatting away and he carries on talking about random subjects, "God does not exist" followed up with the data to prove him right etc. He is always correcting my friend K's 7 year old son, he told him Father Xmas does not exist and when you're dead, you're dead and telling the child that cartoons are not real. K was going nuts about him telling her kid all this, he also told him that white lies are as bad as real lies, so that makes him a liar. The kid was distraught. There is no getting thru to youngest about what he can and cannot say, what is age appropriate (all my fault apparently as he says I raised him not to lie) He has this face for when he's outside, like he dare not smile. I am not allowed to call him his name in public as "I do not want the general public to know my name as it's embarrassing" (if he were 7 I could perhaps understand this and call it a phase) He will out of the blue decide to run and his arms are as straight as a poker by his side, his shoulders and chest far out in front of him, like he is going to fall on his nose, he has been doing this for a couple of years now, K said he is just winding me up and messing about but he's not, he says it's the way he always has run (it's not) I see nothing that youngest does in Eldest so how can it be Aspergers except the fact that he goes mental if I move anything, that he hates change which is relatively new, he is solitary, he has no friends outside of school, he tells me he hates people, he talks crap about stuff I know nothing about, he walks with both hands behind his back holding his wrist. On the one hand I just think that he's had an awful time of it with the severe bullying in another County which would make him hate people, then I think was it that which has triggered this now "strangeness" My greatest fear is if the crap he's going thru at this school makes him withdraw more than he is already. Some of the "bullying" is just normal every day stuff which would probably not affect you or I to the same extent as it has him e.g.: getting called Harry Potter because of his glasses. When I told him he would have to grow a thicker skin he told me “we all have 5 layers so that's not possible” I wish he was quick enough mouthing off to the bullies. I don't know how to help him, protect him. I am truly at a loss”

16^th February

I had awful thudding mule like kicks in my chest palpitations. I had to keep stopping whilst walking to Tesco. I was jumping with fright because of them because they were so unexpected and so bad. I collected eldests money then got the bus to town to go to Argos to pick up his weights. Good god almighty, how he could even think I could carry these was beyond me. I called a taxi but had to carry the bloody things across a busy road and my back is in bits now.

I got a taxi to Gheel's offices to meet Edel and we were sitting having a cup of tea when the school rang me. I told Edel I would have a heart attack if I had any more calls from that school because it was making me fearful even answering the phone to them now. It was a teacher. She said “he's refusing to do the detention we gave him after he was late getting to school on the 10th” I told her “that's the least of his worries” and explained to her why. I told her “the whole class are now ignoring him, he's been sent to Coventry by them all for apparently being a grass” I said “he's not finding going to school easy at all” She said “I wish youngest would just talk to me, not as a teacher, I would like to encourage him to join in sports and have a more balanced life” I said “he hardly talks to me now unless he wants one of his battles fought for him and do you not think I've tried everything in my power to help him but he's like stone once he's made a decision, he will not be budged and I'm at my wits end with worry about him” I told her “I'm at Gheel Autism Services and have to go” She said “you can call me at any time just to talk if you like” What a lovely lady.

I rang youngest and asked him if he was home yet and asked him how did his day go, he said “it was dreadful, not one person spoke to me at all, I was on my own the whole day, not one person would sit next to me in class either, it's psychological warfare” I said “it's a disgrace, I'm with Edel and will see you soon and don't let it get you down” I told him “the school need you to do the detention” he said “okay” I was surprised about that because I thought he would absolutely refuse.

I forgot everything about the meeting with Edel because of the school ringing me.

I was exhausted once I got home, a car was parked next to my gate so the cab had to drop me off down the street, I was fuming because I had to carry the bloody weights as well as my shopping, my back is really killing me.

I replied to an email from my friend:

“Thanks a million Friend, I will just have to let him be himself but he really is going thru the mill and needs my support, he actually asked me to be his advocate at the school meeting. He walked out of school at lunch time yesterday as he was accused of reporting two classes for bullying and they'd been made to write an essay on the effects of bullying and why it's wrong whilst he wasn't in the school so no one would talk to him when he went in yesterday so he left. Luckily I have changed a bit (no nagging) and just let him decide after telling him I can see both sides because it must be tough on his class mates too, making him welcome then being accused of bullying, and that he only has the rest of this week then is on holiday on Friday and it won't be long till the summer holidays, so he giving it another go today, thank god. I feel so sorry for him tho. I have to go to Gheel to fill in some sensory format on behalf of eldest. I've no idea what this will accomplish but if it helps further down the line I will do it. I have to buy him weights today with his money, he's in great form at the moment, I just hope I do not get one of his weights wrapped round my head in the future”

I made us all something to eat then lay down on my bed. My youngest came in and lay next to me telling me all about his "shit day" at least he's getting it off his chest and not bottling it all up. He fell asleep, bless him, I covered him up and closed my eyes too but my back kept going into spasms so I couldn't have a nap.

I completed my Open University online project then helped youngest make pancakes.

17^th February

Youngest went into school late, he said “my first class is PE and it's off site so there's no point going in because the last time I did, the class spent the time throwing balls at me and it hurt me and anyway no one will talk to me” The poor little fucker, I am going to murder someone over this.

He rang me at lunchtime, he said “I don't know where to go or what to do for an hour” I asked him “do you want to sit in the library or come home” He said “come home” I reminded him “you have just one more day to get thru then you will be on holiday but if you can't face it then stay at home” He said “my one time friend S smiled when he spoke to me but only to say you un friended me on Face Book and I replied you proved you're not a real friend at all"

I had heart palpitations with a vengeance at 6.30pm, they frightened the life out of me. I took a Xanax as the doctor told me they would stop them.

Letter from the school given to youngest to give to me. They want me to meet with the Principal and the school psychologist. The bloody cheek, it's the bullies who should be seeing them.

Eldest is 19 today. I woke up at 6.45 a.m, so thankful it wasn't 4 or 5 a.m which is the time I normally wake up these days. I was gutted because all I could get eldest was I tunes vouchers and two cards from me and youngest. What can you get the boy who has everything he needs anyway except what I really wish for him, peace of mind and freedom from his self made prison, the poor fucker.

No sign of eldest at all till 10am. I waited till he went to the toilet because he can be a real grumpy bollix in the morning. It's weird now that he was always the smiley one in the morning when he was young and my youngest was always the grumpy one who I could not rouse for love nor money, now my eldest seems to be grumpy all the time. I didn't hear him weigh himself as he usually does every morning after he had left the loo, he just came straight out of the kitchen. I walked into the hall and said “Happy Birthday son” and was shocked to hear him say “Leave me alone, fuck off, just fuck off" I said “what on earth has happened” he said “I have already told you to fuck off, just fuck off and die" and he went back up the stairs. Shit, shit, shit, not this carry on again and fuck, fuck, fuck, I don't know what to do, who to talk to, my nerves were shot to pieces as it is because I have court tomorrow with his father. He threw the birthday cards back at me, unopened. He didn't lift the 5ltr water bottles I had filled for him, they were still in the kitchen. Something must have upset him, maybe his father contacted him but I doubt it because eldest always forwards anything from that man to me, which is scarce anyway. It has got to be me, it always is but I have no clue what it is. I do not need this crap.

It's a beautiful day outside, I was supposed to go shopping, pay my bills, complete my court file and contact the solicitor about court tomorrow but all I could do was stay at home and cry, tears of sadness, fear, frustration, worry, sorrow, it was all too, too much and I had no credit on my phone, but who would I contact. I really have no one at all. My photographic memory went thru everything from my labour to birth having him, my overnight stay at the hospital, my journey home from hospital with him, even the song that was playing on the car radio “Your Babies” by Simply Red. I cried very hot and painful tears with my memories of his birth day. If only we all had a crystal ball. If only we all could see into the future. If only we all could live happy ever after. If only I could have a fucking lobotomy.

I used my land line to ring Edel from Gheel's mobile and left her a voice mail saying “I think he's about to blow and I'm scared” Edel rang me back and I told her what he said and how scared I was because it really had come out of the blue, I said “I don't know what's wrong with him but it's about bloody time he grew up” Edel said “just leave him till he comes out of it himself” I told her “I have court tomorrow and I need this crap like a hole in my head and eldest knows what work I've put into doing my court file and it could take days or weeks till he came out of this and he will not eat, drink or use the loo and I'm frightened of him and frightened for him and every time I hear him move I think is he going to come and batter me again, hurt me again, end it all for himself as he always threatens to, to end his nightmare or end my existence and I'm unable to cope with him” She asked me “can you not go out” I said “only to the shop but I would be fearful at leaving him for too long because I'm worried about him” She said “I know and understand how hard it is for you on top of everything else, your worry about youngest, your worry about court, I will ring you after court tomorrow” For fuck sake, how could she not realise how terrified I am NOW, the words are coming out of my mouth and I'm telling her so why won't the so called Autism experts even come and try to find out what's wrong with him and what made him say what he's said or do I or does he have to be found dead before they will step in. “Give him space” I see him approx 2 hours per day. I do not have the skills or the sense for any of this, my bucket is full and over flowing, he hates me because he hates himself, he will kill me, one day I know he will kill me and despite me knowing and telling, no one is listening. I told Edel “I'm done in, I can't take any more, I want my son out of my house, I'm not taking any more abuse or threats of violence, I am terrified of him, I do not have the skills or coping mechanisms to deal with any more, I cannot hear him threaten to kill himself or me or attack me or attack youngest any more, you have to get something done and done now” She told me again “give him space and stay away from him and leave him till he comes out of it himself” I said “if you don't get on to the HSE about this then I will contact all Irish and British media because this is a disgrace, I am not and have never claimed to be Superwoman. I am a basket case the way you sall have sat back and left me to cope solo with everything”

The way I felt all boiled down to an overload of stress and fear and fear of the known and the unknown. When you are completely depleted of any coping mechanisms you literally fall apart mentally, emotionally and physically and you torture yourself about what could happen.

I wrote a note for my youngest saying “Do not go near your brother” How sad and sick is that, it's his brothers birthday but god knows what would happen if youngest knocked on his door to say Happy Birthday. I just stood holding the note aloft in front of youngest who was still in bed and I put one finger to my closed lips to let him know not to say anything back to me. He asked in his sign language, what's kicked him off, but I shrugged my shoulders because I don't know and I ain't uttering one word or eldest would hear me. I told youngest to lock his bedroom door and I would be doing the same, I never want to be punched and kicked by my son again, I never want to be spat at again or threatened with a carving knife waving in front of my face and stomach again and I never want to be chased out of my house at the end of a carving knife again. Where are the services, supports and professional help I have been promised since 2009 in Dublin and that other County we lived in from 2006 to 2009.

Edel from Gheel had told me “because you've recently moved you need to apply for a new package with the new Disability Manager” I said “that's nonsense, we still live in the same Dublin area and I want to see in black and white what Gheel Autism Services are supposed to be providing for my family and what the HSE are paying you to provide us with. I want to see the Family Support Plan” Edel said “I will talk to Andy about it” Why? Makes a change from her telling me she will talk to Peter Byrne about it.

Walked to my local area for a quick shop. I was almost in tears and had to give myself a good talking to, to stop myself from crying. I told myself to grow a spine and asked myself what would people think at seeing this wretch of a woman but I felt so weak and emotional and so angry, how dare eldest do this to me today when I have to face his father in a court room tomorrow. I've no clue why it's me getting all his abuse, I would like to scream at my eldest to go and live with his father, go and abuse him, go and batter him, go and chase him with a knife, go and call him every name under the sun, go and tell him how useless he is, go and fuck up his life, go and give him no life to lead at all. I would never have had the balls to say any of that to him tho.

I felt so sorry for myself, I kept telling myself to cut it out, snap out of it but those bloody tears kept falling and I couldn't stop them. I don't know how he could just turn on me when he's been quite stable for a few weeks now. Why can he not just tell me what he's thinking, tell me what happened, he can tell me to fuck off and die quick enough, he can tell me that I'm a fat whore. I am not fat and I am not a whore.

I walked home and managed to hold myself together till I opened the front door then I burst into tears. Youngest put away the shopping for me then made me a cup of tea and asked me “could it have been the joke birthday card from me that started him off” I said “no, he hasn't even opened his cards” youngest gave me a hug. I told him “I feel like jumping on a train away from here but I can't afford the train fare for you” he laughed at that then said “ we have no one and no where to go” How the hell did we end up like this. It is crazy.

I rang the solicitor and she asked me how I was and told me she can't make it to court with me. I felt like screaming at her, when the fuck do you ever make it to court with me, instead I told her about eldest and she asked me if I was safe. I answered honestly, I do not know, she asked if I could go to a neighbours, I said none of them pass the time of day with me, they do not know me. She asked “would you seriously consider independent living for him” I said “I would love that, it was recommended by Dr Amitta Shah but fuck all had been done about it and he would probably kill himself anyway so how could I live with that” I told her what Edel from Gheel said about giving him space which was crazy because I needed to know he was okay. She asked “why is youngest so against having a diagnosis if he's convinced he has Aspergers too” I told her “he has his heart set on going to America and he said that anything like an official diagnosis would stop him from going” The solicitor said “he is thinking selfishly because having an official diagnosis would allow him to get help and interventions” I said “you have got to be joking, we got sod all help for my eldest and I have the most expert of Autism experts report and recommendations that have been IGNORED by all at the HSE and all agencies. She wished me luck with court and said she would call me tomorrow and added “at the first sign of trouble with your son just call the Garda”

I asked my youngest “do you feel brave enough to go and ask eldest if he's hungry” youngest said “no way, have you forgot I've been punched twice in the face by him before now” I said “off course I haven't” youngest said “no matter what you make he won't eat it even if he's starving” He's right. My eldests control over me is appalling.

Youngest begged me not to go anywhere near him, we went looking for the small sharp knives and any scissors in the house, we weren't taking any chances at all but then youngest reminded me “He has the weights in his room which could do real damage” I told him I would lock my door then I thought maybe I won't and just let him brain me if that's what he wants, it would put me out of my fucking misery, if it wasn't for youngest I wouldn't even care.

All I want for my eldest is for him to be happy, to be normal, to have been out on the lash with friends for his birthday, learning to drive, being at college, having a girlfriend, god love and help him, it's not fair for him at all, all these years lost, stuck in whatever house and not one professional gives a damn. And there is my reason for staying in this fucked up and trapped scenario. I am scared of him, of how he talks to me, at me, his threats of violence to me, his actual violence to me. I love him, he is my son and I feel sorry for him, I want to help him, I want help for him but I do not want what I do have, FEAR on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I just want help for him and for us.

I tried to finish my court file but had no concentration. I don't do things by halves, I have been in court so many times that I know they can ask for anything and I need to be prepared for anything and have all my documents to hand and they are always updated by me.

I was alert for any sound from eldests room to find out if he was safe, would I be safe, would my youngest be safe. What a fucking life.

At 7pm there was still no sight nor sound from eldest, not a creak of a floor board, not a tap on his key board, he's not used the toilet since 10am this morning, he's not eaten, he's not got his water, he's not taken his meds, they are still on the bread bin in the kitchen. What in gods name am I going do do. If I got anyone in to try and talk to him, to try and help him he will lose it completely and I'm worried sick if he tries to kill himself.

At 9pm, there was still not a sign or a sound from him and I was losing it and going insane, I was so worried but too scared to go check on him. I sat on the stairs, I put my ear to his door, I just want to hear him sigh, it would bring such relief but I heard nothing. I've two separate court cases with the ex tomorrow and if I don't go I'll be arrested and all I want to do is get into my eldest and see if he's okay but I can't and I don't and if he is dead then I will never be sane again. I'm scared of him and scared for him. I'm scared he will batter me, I'm scared he will kill himself, I could not live with myself if I saw his dead body, that would be the end of me. I wanted and needed to check on him but total fear was stopping me.

My head was in turmoil. I put on the TV in my bedroom so that my eldest would hear that I was in my bed room then maybe he would come out of his own room, I just needed to know that he was okay. I told my youngest to lock his bed room door.

I got hardly any sleep at all just in case eldest kicked off or needed me and I swore that if I got thru the night in one piece, if he was still in one piece by morning, then I'm done, I'm taking no more, I'm doing no more, there are no wings sprouting from my back, I'm no angel sent from on high, I am a mere human who has put up and shut up till I can't take any more, so fuck it I’m done, all done. This is mental. This is mental torture.

25^th February

I had one hours sleep. I got up at 4.36am, I put my ear to eldests door, no sound. I know he's not once used the toilet because he never flushes the loo at night and the toilet hasn't been used. I feel like a basket case, I look like a basket case, I am a basket case.

At 7am, I needed to check on him. I wanted to check on him but was scared witless to check on him in case he attacks me, in case I find him dead and I felt ready for the loony bin, almost hysterical with fear. I was convinced he was lying behind that door dead. God in heaven I needed help, why was no one helping me, I couldn't stop crying thru fear and panic.

I got dressed for court, I took two Xanax, I took a deep breath and knocked on his door at 7.30am, shaking like a leaf. I said “I am at court today and have no idea how long it will take” he replied “okay” and I almost collapsed with the relief of hearing his voice. I was shaking inside and outside from head to toe. I asked him if he wanted his water brought up to him and he said no so I left.

I needed to get my breathing under control. I was unaware I was gulping down oxygen and shallow breathing that made me feel like I was going to pass out. I needed to try and control myself because I didn't want to be an emotional wreck in court in front of the ex but for fuck sake I could gladly knock the ex's lights out for the shit I've been left with here and the shit he's still making us go thru, it should be enough that he's spiteful enough to not want to pay for the food in his own children's mouths but to inflict his genes on my kids and he lives a stress free life whilst I go thru this torture makes me want to howl with rage, grief and anger. Christ almighty I need someone's arms around me, someone to shoulder half this burden, someone to take over and give me a break, I felt as sick as a pig and looked like I'd aged 10 years over night. I threw two tea spoons into the freezer and held them to my eyes in an attempt to reduce the swelling to at least make me feel like no one would know I've been weeping. I may have nothing but I do still have pride.

My eldest makes me as mad as hell, if he can use so much will power to fuck me off and do without food, water and the toilet for all those hours why the hell can he not, as a very intelligent man sort his life out.

Court.

Youngest and I missed the bus to town and had to get the dart.

At the court L who was supporting me was waiting for us. I told her quickly that we'd had a very bad night so I felt like exploding and asked her would she sit on me and tape my mouth shut because I didn't think I had much self control left in me at all. She laughed and said she would and she and youngest chatted away to each other, she is such a lovely girl. We were only in the place five minutes when the ex and his posse arrived, he looked like an old bag of bones. F then arrived and informed me “he has a witness with him today, I'd no idea why he would need a witness to stand and claim why he's flouting all court orders” I said “if his girlfriend is the witness then you had better get on to my solicitor because I will go loopy in the court and I mean it” I told him “I am on the edge of sanity here” and explained about eldest yesterday and the living nightmare of the past 24 hours.

The foyer of the court was packed out as usual, it's always like a cattle market and I hate it. I was bouncing of the walls I was so hyper thru lack of sleep and adrenalin. I took a seat and in he walked with his “partner” and another woman, they both looked as miserable as sin and I thanked god for small mercies that I no longer had to wake up to that face in the mornings. L said “he doesn't look like a happy man and they don't look like a happy couple at all and that one and her friend must think they are intimidating you” they were continually walking past us slowly, walking outside the court then walking back in again, L said “they keep doing circuits of the court and this is nothing to do with them at all” I said “no one intimidates me, I'm Scottish” L laughed. I said “it's awful that in a place like this there are no scanners because anyone could walk in with anything and with the chaos of so many people and the Garda just standing around a desk then someone could be attacked and escape easily” L said “yes it is crazy”

We went up to the court lobby. I just stared at him, he should be ashamed of himself, what he did to us, what he's still doing, what he should have been doing, how he is dressed for the court, he looked like a tramp, he knows how to play the system. I had already shown F the face book photo of him and his “partner” where he was decently dressed, clean shaven and told F this was all an act for the court. The ex did not look at me, he did not look at his own son who with me or even ask about his other son whose birthday it was only yesterday.

The ex now has a solicitor and she came and offered me “€50 per week” I said no, I told her “he had the brass neck to phone me using his sick voice (still at his old games that no longer work at all on me) he asked me “can I pay €50 a week till I get back on my feet” and I told him “our kids need to be fed, my youngest needs shoes that cost €55 and you're a disgrace of a man and an apology of a father who should not be using the title at all” He had sighed constantly when on the phone to me. He never changes and I hate that sound, I listened to that sound for far too many years. I told him “put it in writing and send a copy to the court and get it paid straight away because I am severely struggling” and he told me “I will and if I can afford more then I will pay more” And he paid not one fucking cent so “he can shove his offer up his ass”

His solicitor gave F a copy of his Statement of Means, it states that he's getting help from MABS, it's a bit late in the day for that, I bet he never told MABS he had three quarter of a million Euro go thru his hands and gave fuck all to his wife or kids. His solicitor made another offer outside of the court for €60 for maintenance plus another €20 off the arrears. I said “no, I want to talk to the judge and I'm not accepting his fairy tales any more” F looked frazzled due to me. I told him “you're here to take MY instructions, not the other way around” he then smiled at me.

After the day and night of terror over my eldest no one was going to ride rough shod over me today.

The ex's application to vary the maintenance was struck out until he lodged his divorce defence, the judge asked me “when did you lodge the divorce” I told him “April last year” he asked the other side “what is the hold up” and he got told “it's at the Statement of Means stage” which was a complete lie because he went into hiding and I had to track him down myself and he only recently acknowledged the service of divorce but I kept getting told it was at Statement of Means stage and here he is providing the court with a Statement of Means for a full 12 months and is including maintenance on it which he's not paying so all he is doing is stalling.

His solicitor said to the judge “Mr X has made an offer to Mrs X and she will not accept it” I explained to the judge all about his phone call and “still he did not pay anything so no I will not accept what I know is not forthcoming, he had his chance” The judge said “I have to strike out your variation Mr X as Mrs X will not accept your offer” His solicitor said “Mr X has severe mental health problems and I have personally spoken to his mental health social worker the past couple of days” I said “he has provided this court with his Statement of Means for a full 12 months so I believe he is just stalling the divorce proceedings” F told the judge the history of his non payment of maintenance and that “the arrears now stand at €10,404” The ex's solicitor said “my client paid until he had mental health problems” which was a fucking joke and he always had mental health problems, he just kept it well hidden. I handed F my maintenance calenders of all non payments of maintenance and my own bank statements which he gave up to the judge so the judge could see for himself the liar he had in front of him in black and white. His solicitor went on about how her client has a mental health social worker who she has spoken to about his current state of mind. F said “my client cannot afford the luxury of a nervous breakdown because she has children to raise, one who has a disability and has not left the house in 4 years, my client is daily living with severe stress” I said “it's 5 years since my eldest went out” The ex's solicitor said “that is a disgraceful statement to make about my clients mental health” F was told to apologise.

The judge told the ex “hand over €100 immediately” the ex said “I have no money on me” the judge went mad and told him “I cannot believe you came to this court with no money and with what you owe” he told him “get out and get the €100 I just told you to provide or you will not be leaving this court today” The ex said “I have to go to the bank of Ireland” and he was given directions on where the bank was.

I told F “that will be his Business Account so if he has no money how come he's using that account” The ex was back in the court room in mere minutes, there was no way he went to any bank. F told the judge “he has a history of paying for a week then stops paying anything” The judge said “I am not varying the maintenance, it still has to be paid without prejudice until the 15th June and if he defaults at all I am giving Mrs X 10 days notice to bring him straight back in to the court” he asked him “do you hear that Mr X, I will take a very dim view and you will be sent to jail, do you understand” the ex said “yes” The Judge said “the original court order still stands”

I walked down the stairs with F and when we got to the ground floor, his “partner” was at the lifts but ran way when she saw us.

L told me he got the money from his “partner” who was standing outside of the court smoking. We left.

L took us down an alley to a cafe next door to her work. I started talking about my eldest and all that had happened yesterday and said “it was his birthday and I've been as high as a kite on little sleep, worry and fear because I thought I was going to be battered yesterday or I would find my eldest dead this morning” I started crying. L told me “you look shattered, you should go right home and go to bed and stay in it till you sleep” She asked my youngest “can you and your brother fend for yourselves for a couple of days as mum looks exhausted and has an awful lot on her plate just now and she needs to get rest, sleep and no more stress” youngest said “yes”

Me and youngest got the dart home. youngest told me “just ignore him when we get home because he's just being a prick” I closed my eyes on the dart, I could have sleep on a nail I was that tired.

Edel from Gheel rang me and all I did was cry. I told her “I'm sick of my eldest and being mentally tortured by him. I feel weaker and weaker as each crisis comes at me and isolation and lack of supports are killing me” She said “I will call you on Monday about supporting you around your youngest” I just want and need a magic wand.

Later, my youngest asked eldest if he was hungry, eldest said yes so I made them dinner. Eldest asked me who the letter was for sitting on the side, I said a previous tenant. So that is him talking to me again.

25^th February

I emailed the ex for what I need for next the court case.

“Please provide bank statements regarding selling your brother, your share of London property for the next court date attendance in June.

Please provide bank statements at next court date of the proceeds of £151,325 from Account Number ******* 

Please provide Bank Statement of the proceeds of the sale of English family home of £49,940 into your English Bank Account ******** It was in joint names.

Please provide bank statements of the proceeds of the sale of the family home in another County in Ireland of €120,000 paid into your Savings Account ******** It was in joint names.

Please provide Bank Statements from your Business Account ********

Please provide Bank Statements from your Bank Account Number ********

Please provide details of the rent you received from the following people who lived at the family Cottage who claimed social welfare from same address without my knowledge or agreement: I named 5 people that I knew of.

I would also like to remind you that it was your son's birthday yesterday.

No Reply

26^th February

I feel drained and weepy. All is quiet in the house, thank God. I feel so lonely.

28^th February

Youngest rang me from school, it's lunch time and he's on his own and didn't know what to do to kill an hour, he said no one would talk to him, that it's mental warfare and he wanted to come home, I said okay, come home.

Text from Edel from Gheel, she has no time to call me, she will do so tomorrow. This is a disgrace.

The solicitor rang me to tell me “we are back in court on June 22^nd to get the arrears sorted out. I've sent three strict letters to his solicitor but had no reply, I've asked them for all details of his mental health because he seems fit enough to keep applying for summons after summons, he will be asked to provide a lump sum at the very least, Dublin judges are more used to men playing the mental health card” I said “he has always been mental but he only did something about it when he was banged up in a holding cell for four hours” She said “his day will come one day when he'll have no hiding place and will have to answer to everything”

1^st March

At the doctor with my back, I have severe muscle spasms, he told me take extra Xanax as they are also muscle relaxants.

Youngest rang again from school “no one is talking to me, I tried talking to one class mate but he walked away, can I come home” I said “okay” I don't know how he can cope with it all.

Edel from Gheel told me she will come to the school meeting with me on the 10th and said that she spoke to the school about her attending. I told her “you cannot talk for someone you've never met so you will need to meet my youngest first and I'll try and get him to do so” Only afterwards I thought this is just complete nonsense. Edel is happy enough to go to a school and talk about Aspergers but not about my son because she has never met him and here I am reading Gheels website which states they treat a person holistically, my arse in parsley they do, there is no sense in them to have even asked to meet my youngest at all, I had to tell them to do it.

Youngest rang, he had got to his work experience far too early and asked me what he should do, I told him to window shop but not to go too far and to keep an eye on the time so he wouldn't be late. Mammy always to the rescue, to calm a furrowed brow. I wish I had a mammy.

3^rd March

I rang my friend, she said “it's all nonsense and the school should be focussing on nothing else except getting the bullying stopped so youngest can get his education and not be suffering as he has to on a daily basis”

7^th March

Youngest was at work experience in a camping shop all week. I am so proud of him doing this for himself. He said “I've been on my knees folding fucking clothes the whole day and I'm in agony” I met him in town to buy his new converse shoes costing €55.

9^th March

Youngest agreed to meet Edel from Gheel “as long as you come with me”

We went to the Burger King in town. He told Edel “I always knew there was something different about me, I did not fit in, I'm not sociable but Mum always forced me to be, I thought it was a personality trait but I've researched Aspergers online and I know that I have it” I was shocked at what he said, it's the first I had heard all this but I knew he'd been constantly looking into personality traits of all sorts online. I have never forced him to do anything at all, I just always treated both my sons like all kids are raised. So many professionals have been in our lives and no one ever mentioned anything. Only when youngest became a teenager did he start getting strange, but I just thought it was angst, due to all he'd been thru. Edel said “I am always available if you want to talk more about it” youngest said “no” We left and I started quizzing him on why I was just hearing all this now. He said “I did not know how to bring the subject up” I'm dumbfounded.

I have all my family home videos to prove that my youngest was sociable and not forced to be so. He was normal, he was happy, he was always smiling, he was carefree, he had friends, he was cheeky, he was adorable, he was loved, he is loved, he is my baby, he was spoiled because he was my baby. He is still my baby and he does not have Aspergers Syndrome. No way does he have this. NO FUCKING WAY DOES HE HAVE THIS.

10^th March

I had a meeting with G M the CDVEC Psychologist in youngests school. Edel from Gheel was running late, she had a crisis at work. I was soaked to the skin as the rain was so bad. I told the woman “the bullying has to stop as the trauma of the bullying could force him to leave yet another school and be at home 24/7 ending up like my eldest and I'm not fit or able to cope with that” Edel then arrived and explained about the chat she had with youngest about Aspergers and his specific needs. We were told “not a lot can be done with no official diagnosis” I felt like screaming there is not a lot done even when you have an official diagnosis as fuck all had been done for years now re my eldest. The Deputy Head said “youngest can use the library during lunch time to see if it stops him from going home” I am not happy at all, talking about isolating him to keep him safe sounds like a fucked up scenario to me. Edel told me to talk to youngest because him having the diagnosis might make his life easier. I said “it's funny it did not work out that way for my eldest” I was being very sarcastic and reminded her that my youngest himself already told her no but I said I would talk to him.

Head of year from youngests school rang me “he has twisted his knee and is in a lot of pain and wants to come home” She told me she had “a meeting with the school Psychologist V” I asked her “why, because youngest keeps refusing to meet with V” she said “it's for you because you wrote on your letter to the school that you're at your wits end” I said “off course I am, I'm living in hell at home, I'm living in poverty, I have a son I'm terrified of who attacked me and chased me out of my previous house with a carving knife, I'm supposed to have Autism support but all I get is a phone call. I have a son at your school going thru hell with bullying and is calling me daily because he says it's now mental and emotionally warfare and we all went thru that with my ex and I don't know how my youngest copes with it on a daily basis and he's braver than me because when I had this with my ex I almost lost my mind” She said “V could give you support” I asked “can he stop the bullying to at least give me one less thing to worry about” she said “I cannot answer that”

12^th March

I was talking to eldest in his bedroom, he told me “when I was drinking water I went blind for a few seconds and shit myself about it” I freaked and asked him “come to the doctor with me” then asked him “why when it happened did you not yell for me” he said “it was only for seconds and it went away” I said “I need to know the minute it happens again because it sounds serious” He said “okay”

15^th March

Youngest came home early from school. He said “my knee and hip is bad, I can hardly walk” I tried to get him to go up to the doctor on his own but he said “no because I don't know what to say on my own” He is almost 18 years old for gods sake.

22^nd March

I managed to get my essay in to the Open university tutor but I really struggled with it. I have just one more to do then I will have exams. I have no chance of passing them.

Youngest walked out of school again but wouldn't tell me what happened. How the hell can I fix it if I don't know what happened. I rang the school but his year head said the class had been out on a trip today but she would try and find out.

Youngest eventually told me what happened. He said “I was stopped by the Principal from going to my locker at break time. I asked him why because I've done this every day for the past 4 months. I was told students are kicking the doors in. I asked do I look like I will be kicking doors in. The Principal said off course not but it's the rules. I told the Principal the rules appear to keep changing. I then heard the Janitor say, that one should be a lawyer, he has an answer for everything, he's very tedious” My youngest was going nuts when telling me this and was calling the Janitor every “cunt” under the sun and “how dare he talk about me like that, the staff go on and on about respect but give none back” He said “a teacher then stopped me and asked me where are you going and I told her I'm leaving, going home and she said you cannot leave, it's against the rules and I replied I don't care and she didn't even have the sense to ask me why I was leaving or ask me why I had to leave. I was forced to go to the gym for PE and I wanted to sit in the corridor away from the rest of the class but I was told I couldn't due to insurance purposes so I said I'm more at risk of harm from the other students than I am sitting in a corridor and was forced to go inside the gym and I was proved correct when R kicked the ball right at me with force and everyone started laughing so I got up left” He said “I went into the canteen to order a sandwich for lunchtime and when I tried to leave I was stopped by a woman who told me, you chose to come in so now you stay until it it's time to leave, she then told me three times to calm down and I didn't get it because I was calm anyway, i just wanted to leave” He said “I need anti anxiety medication because I'm now anxious all the time, I hate being on buses and I hate being next to people” I told him “all teens are self conscious and if you're requesting medication you'll need to have an assessment first but you should remember all the trouble I had getting your brother any kind of help and he saw the most expert of experts and still fuck all was done for him and he's had his diagnosis since age 15” my youngest was adamant “I'm not going back to that school, I want you to find me a new school, a decent school, this is my life and I cannot take any more of this 5 days a week, 40 hours a week of crap and bullshit” I took him to town because it felt like the walls were closing in on us.

25^th March

I was awake at 4.45am. I am pig sick of waking up so early.

My youngest decided “I'm going to school because I want to confront the Janitor about what he said about me” I told him “don't be so stupid, you're wasting too much energy on this” but it didn't matter what I said or what advice I gave him, he wasn't listening to me, he had a one track mind about it, a bee in his bonnet. He believes he's always right. He is just plain bloody minded and difficult. He would test the patience of a saint. He told me “Whilst I'm out, you find out for me the pros and cons of me getting an assessment done for Aspergers” I told him “the best person to talk to would be Edel at Gheel” He told me “no but you can speak to her” I felt like telling him to feck off and do it himself, the narky little sod, who the hell does he think he is and where the fuck has my real son gone. He now wants to “transfer schools and you find a decent one this time because the school I'm at is going to fuck up my whole life, I'm not getting the education I want and need, no one could learn at that school and I'm worried that Aspergers will be seen as having a mental health problem and if you gave a crap, you would be doing something about all this for me” Yes off course as per usual I'm doing nothing. Nothing at all.

I sent Edel from Gheel a text about the assessment, she replied “you should contact Deirdre as she does the assessments” It's someone to bloody talk to about the here and now I need to talk about and she is supposed to be my support. I and we are just another case to these people, this is just another piece of my heart to break if my youngest also has Aspergers.

I rang Gheel Autism (jack shit) Services office. I spoke to the day centre manager called J. I told him “I need someone to talk to because I feel like I'm suffocating as my youngest is not acting like himself any more and I'm worried about him” I got told by J “Martin is in transit as a passenger so is free to have a chat with you, not to worry, this happens all the time”

I texted my friend, she replied “youngests issues are only surfacing now due to the school environment he's having to cope with” she said “it's not youngest it's the people around him” and asked “would youngest like to talk to a young man she knows as a five minute chat might just answer all his questions” When I later told youngest all of what my friend said, he replied “nice of him but no”

I rang Gheel again. Deirdre's not in till the afternoon. J said “I spoke to Martin and gave Martin your number and I knows he's free because I just spoke to him” Not one call came my way and I sat by the land line in desperation to talk to someone about this huge change in my youngest and my worry about him. That was just like Martin, to just ignore a desperate mother once again. The useless fucking twat. How the hell did he get that job in the first place. He would not last a minute at the coal face of living with anyone with Aspergers.

Youngest was still not happy once he got home. He said “in the English class, R. D. was looking at S and in a sing song way said “Loner, loner, you got no friends” the penny dropped with S and he said “hahaha I get it now. I was called out of the class by Ms K to see why I'd left school yesterday and told her and she suggested, it may have been directed at someone else, I told her as I'm the only one in the class, in the school, with no friends who else would it have been meant for and you know as well as I do it was at me, so why are you trying to defend bullies” He said “I also confronted the Janitor who denied saying anything at all about me and he asked me why I was undermining him. I told him I'm not, I'm just asking you a question”

I am sick of this.

I rang Mount Temple school, no vacancies and a long waiting list.

I rang St Joseph's, they only take pupils from the local primary school.

Rang Deirdre at Gheel again, she wasn't in yet, some bloke took my details and will pass the message on.

Rang Edel at Gheel, she was in a meeting, will call me in an hour.

I asked my youngest to come out a walk with me. I talked to him about my confusion in the change in him and asked him why he believed he had Aspergers. He said “it cannot be anything other than this” and asked me “are you blind” and “how could you not know” I said “how the hell would I know, I'm just scraping by each day, you were never like you are now” he said in an argumentative tone “you better get used to it then” I wanted to scream the place down.

Sent the ex a text, “I have not received any maintenance, are you taking the piss” Got a reply “I'm back in hospital and was only talking to my social worker about that this morning”

How the hell does that help me.

Email then arrives from his “partner” she sure does love bit of drama that one, she should have my life past and present and no future, the ex must have got her to send it to cover his ass. I find it weird that he now gets hospitalised, he never did once in all the years I was with him.

26^th March

“Hi Friend, Thanks for all your support on Friday, your explanation to me asking why AS is surfacing now has sunk in and made perfect sense. I will need to keep separating my experiences with eldest on how I help youngest. Deirdre from Gheel rang me yesterday afternoon and has been told about my family, she is willing to come visit youngest at home and talk over the pro's and con's of having an assessment and potentially a diagnosis. I have to contact her on Monday then she is off work the rest of the week so it will be the following week before she can visit us. I did talk it thru with youngest and he thinks it's for the best now. He had a dreadful day in school yesterday, he said he wanted to throw a chair but didn't. I really don't know how he is coping with it as I personally couldn't, my fear is that he will explode and guess who will be punished for it. Me. He also confronted the janitor about what he said about him yesterday re finding him tedious and a barrack lawyer, the janitor denied it and asked youngest if he was undermining him, youngest said no, he was only asking him a question. Bloody hell friend I aint fit for all this. We had a long chat yesterday and he now knows AS has nothing to do with mental health but is bit worried about other people finding out he has it, he said if they are treating me like crap now, so what's it going to be like if I'm diagnosed. I told him we shall cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm going to send a formal letter of complaint to the school as they are not dealing with the bullying and it has been ongoing for months now. Youngest has looked at St Joseph's school's website but seems to be drawn to Mount Temple, he has to make his mind up quickly before the summer holidays. I am going to have a peaceful weekend I hope, we wont be going out because the ex again has not paid maint, he says he's back in hospital, he is a waste of space”

I gave youngest a letter for school to excuse him from PE because his knee is bad. I took him to doctor, I'm told it's an osteopath he needs and it will cost €55.

Eldest was laughing today because we both only lost 1lb in weight after being so careful about what we ate. I've not heard him laugh like that in years. He normally just says lol for laugh out loud.

29^th March

Managed to sleep till 7am. Youngest was already up. I watched him check then re check everything he needed about twenty times. He said “I have the feeling that something is going to kick off at school today” I told him “stay safe and come home immediately if anyone goes near you but for god sake think positively and quit being so pessimistic all the time as it's draining me with you always talking like that”

I've been thinking about my last conversation with Edel from Gheel when she was so insistent that she met my youngest alone even tho youngest said he would not meet her unless I went with him, she wouldn't let up about it. I ended up telling her “it's his decision, not yours and not mine” but now I'm left wondering what was behind her insistence. I trust no professional any more and why should I. I have yet to meet one who told the truth, who give what they are supposed to give, look at how my eldest has been left. It's a fucking disgrace.

Youngest rang me from school again. He was refusing to sit in the computer room during his free classes because “the characters of those already in there is not good” he said he wants to come home. I rang the school to let them know. He then brought home a letter. The Principal and Ms K want to see me and youngest on Thursday at 1.30pm.

30^th March

I rang the school to tell them youngest will not be in today and yes I will be attending the meeting tomorrow.

I was on the bus going to Tesco at 9am when youngest rang me asking where I was because when he woke up I wasn't in the house. I asked him “where am I always, en route to get daily stuff in for you two”

I had a long chat with him later about him having an assessment done for Aspergers. I went to bed early, I have a dreadful headache, I cannot believe this is all happening again with my baby this time. My life seems to be bi polar, up's and down's, swings and roundabouts, some I can cope with, others I just can't cope with at all. The past few weeks have been particularly hard as far as being a mum is concerned, nah, scratch that, the last few years have been hard, that is nothing new for all mum's but fuck me, it's all becoming too much to take, just me, just one person. Youngest for many months now has tried to tell me he too has Aspergers, no way on god's earth was he going to have this as far as I was concerned. I told him to quit googling stuff to label himself and every other bugger with something, he has also said he has this, that and the other personality disorder because he keeps doing online quizzes, I told him if he googles any health matter it will convince him he has a serious illness, I got a mouthful of abuse from him.

He then told me why he believes he also has Aspergers and told me “you're in denial” I told him all I have to compare it with is his brother and no way is he like that, well not yet anyway but as I explained to the school it was traumatic experiences that had my eldest tip over the edge and not leave his room and I will not stand by and watch that happen to my youngest. I will go insane if this was to happen again.

Youngest then kept persisting, insisting and I still refused to listen, acknowledge or accept, what sane person would, what sane mum would, what mum would want this for her beloved child, her baby. He has witnessed with his own eyes, heard with his own ears all eldest has said and done and the effect the past years have had on me, of course I don't want him to have that same diagnosis, who the fuck in their right mind would want that for her baby, the last child I would ever have, the beat of my heart, the light of my soul, the ducts of my very eyes, the spark of any flame within me so I wouldn't listen to him, this cannot be true.

For two years after dreadful, sickening, bullying that his previous school did jack shit about, despite my letters of complaint to said school and to the board of management and to the authorities of this country, nothing was done, the Principal retired so that was the end of that and so my baby turned into a shadow of his former self and stayed at home for two long years with no socialisation, no friend, no outside of home hobbies, nothing. He told me we didn't know where we would end up housing wise which was true so he saw no point in going out and about and taking part in anything so he was by my side for two whole years, it didn't help that there were no school vacancy for him in our locale either but as a very intelligent boy he sat his junior exams as an external candidate and he sailed thru them. He really is an amazing son but the signs I refused to see, could not see were there, just waiting to evolve like a cocoon waiting to burst forth.

He had returned to schooling and was getting on brilliantly but once again bullying started, physical and verbal at first, he was re christened “prick” then completely ostracised by all his peers for reporting it, I have no clue how this wonderful son of mine coped with this day in and day out, I know I could not have done so, I would have gone ballistic or retaliated and I've asked him why he hadn't and he explained his panic, the previous serious episodes of violent bullying that has left him with scars external and internal that had really impacted on him but what was worse was the lies the adults at the previous school told so they could just simply sweep it under the proverbial carpet as “accidents” because they were too damn lazy to do anything about it and after all my son was the newcomer, the outsider, so much easier to fuck him out of an education than have that cowardly prick of a Principal face any gurriers parents. Scum of a place that was. I remember going with youngest to the Gardai and he made a formal complaint re the three assaults but this Garda J. C. who saw youngest and took his signed statement then became the invisible man despite many visits and follow up calls to see what was going to happen next, what chance do we have with this very slack attitude. All they do is protect their own and never uphold the fucking law, it is a farce. But, this will not be swept under the carpet, I will make damn sure of it.

I truly believe that humans do not care about their fellow man any more, I find that very sad. I am very sad and honestly now have very little strength left in me any more, my spirit is dimming at a rapid rate and I feel like giving up but I won’t as there is no one, absolutely no one for my children, they now have only one parent, have indeed only ever had one parent all their life despite having their father in their lives until age 14 and 12, they didn't ask to be born and certainly not born with a disability so I hope I can continue to put one foot in front of the other despite how I now feel, old, tired, drained, my own life as I would have wanted it is over, my dreams quashed because the life I want to live is not mine to live at all.

Youngest has requested an assessment re a diagnosis of Aspergers, he said he will talk it thru with the professionals, he wants the pro’s and the con’s to see if he can be helped and what impact having this will have on his future life as he doesn't think he will be able to get to America if he has a formal diagnosis and sadly of all “will it make people leave me alone” because all he wants to do is attend school, get his education and sit his exams.

I honestly do not know what my reaction will be if he's diagnosed with Aspergers, I feel broken hearted to have burdened both my son’s with their life so far but can say hand on heart that I did my utmost for them in every way imaginable, there is no thanks with this condition, every day is a mine field that has to be negotiated as to eldests mood so it is pretty stressful with no let up and no other life, I did not sign up for this and feel aggrieved but what the hell can I do, nothing except just get on with it and hope for the best, just try and get thru the hour and the day with no screaming abuse from eldest and no threats either, not a fucking lot to ask for, is it?

Hope is what keeps humans going, without hope we have nothing to get up for in the mornings, so today my youngest has his first meeting to discuss the pro’s and the con’s of an Aspergers assessment and diagnosis and I'm secretly hoping he doesn't have this condition but I'm telling him it’s all okay and said to him so what if he does have it, he's still my boy, still my baby, still my shining light, my inspiration, my beloved youngest child but I shall probably go to pieces if he is diagnosed with it. My long gone teenage, stamp my feet, my shouting of fuck this for a game of soldiers and bang my head of a wall persona wants to run away and hide but how can I? And tomorrow I attend the school re the bullying, my third meeting so far, what I do want to do is go into the class, stand on a desk and rip them all to pieces verbally, to give them a taste of their own medicine and see how that goes down but the mature adult in me and not the mammy that wants a pound of flesh will have to attend instead and try and contain myself however difficult I will find this.

I went to bed early, I have a headache, I cannot believe this is all happening again with my baby this time.

31^st March

Woke up at 4am. I sent Edel at Gheel an email re all that youngest had said about getting an assessment

“Hi Edel, youngest and I had a long chat yesterday after he met with you to discuss the pro's and con's of potentially having Aspergers Syndrome, he asked me to give you his decision about it. He spoke and I wrote it all down: He wants to go ahead with the assessment because he knows he has A.S. He says he has not felt this enlightened around any other character trait (?) he believes the positives surrounding a possible diagnosis outweigh the negatives of which he can think of none. He believes the positives are: “Being treated accordingly, each to their own ability, each to their need" (Karl Marx) He believes “I will no longer be treated nor spoken to nor expected to be like the rest of the herd as I am not part of that herd because I know I am different, I know I think differently and will not be thought of as arrogant any more” Despite the fact that this is not what I want, expected or believed my son to have, I am only the mother after all, what would I know. I have to respect his wishes. It must have taken a lot of internal energy and courage for all this thought and now decision to come out of him so he would like arrangements made asap (he has no patience) for any assessment and he is now happy to go ahead”

I need to find out the whole of his side of the ex's family medical history for both my boys sakes, I know for a fact that my eldest has more than Aspergers. I've been on enough websites and spoke to many online who have Aspergers themselves to know they are not all explosive, they would not dream of abusing their mothers. I sent the ex a text asking if he was able for a chat because I needed a quick word with him. No reply. An hour later I rang and he cut me off after three rings. I sent a text saying it's urgent as I have a meeting to attend about youngest and I need all your side of the families medical history”

He rang me and said “I'm still in hospital” I asked him “why” he said “I do not want to talk about it” I asked “is it depression” he said “yes” I asked “can you give me your family history” he said “my father had Manic Depression and was an alcoholic, my brother as you know is schizophrenic, I do not know about the other two nor nieces or nephews” He said “you are wrong about youngest having Aspergers” I said “I'm not the one saying he has it and it's not been confirmed but he's to have an assessment” then I said “how would you know anything about him because you ignored his very presence growing up and do not know him as an adult either” I told him “you've failed to give me your own medical history and we have the right to know given the problems my kids have” He asked me “is that all about youngest” and hung up on me, the self absorbed twat. He did not even ask about eldest at all or how youngest was doing. Waste of space he is.

Youngest is very upset again, Mrs O in the canteen would not let him leave, she told him “look at the notice on the wall” youngest told her “I don't give a fuck about any notice. He told me “she had her back to the door and wouldn't let me out but other pupils came in so I shot out when I saw an opportunity” He walked out of school and rang me from the street, he was out of breath and so upset that he was crying. Fuck, we really need help.

I sent Edel of Gheel a text saying “it's urgent” She rang me. I was upset because I feel impotent as to how to help my youngest. It's at times like this I wish I had a car, I wish I could drive so I could get to him immediately. Edel said “it sounds like a panic attack and the staff at the school need to be educated around his needs, Deirdre is off till next week and I will get you a date for his assessment and call you with it” She again said “you have a new Disability Manager because you have moved to a different area so will have a different Disability Manager” Gheel knew we had changed our address so why did they not contact anyone or let me know in December 2010, I have no idea. And it is all nonsense because we are living in the same postcode. More delaying tactics I suspect. I told her “that is nonsense, it's still the same post code” She said she would double check but this is what she has definitely been told. She said she would talk to youngest because Deirdre after saying she would meet with him went on leave, so Edel and youngest have met twice now, once as an introduction and once to talk about the pro’s and con’s of an assessment and diagnosis which left myyoungest with more questions than answers.

We had met up at Supervalu and to take the onus off me and my continual need to “talk up for son” according to Edel, I decided with youngests permission that I go walkabout and leave them to it, so I did and sat in the local chapel for 50 minutes, I was freezing cold. My childhood upbringing saw me pray using my fingers, saying decades of the rosary, over and over again, my mobile phone clasped between my hands for when youngest contacted me to say he was finished

I have an active, apparent third eye, I see things when I close my eyes, like a TV screen in my forehead but I'm not asleep, I see faces I do not recognise, places I have never visited, so as to be expected when you stare at something long enough you will see a trick of the eye and I did but I'm not going into it.

I love chapels when they are empty, I admire the architecture, the building of such a huge place that looks small to the outside world, built by the hands of the poor filling the plate that goes around the congregation from aeons ago for whatever they could afford to the detriment of their household, no one said getting into heaven was free or easy, did they? I watched the locals do their thing, clean around the candles that now cost 20 cent, they were pennies when I was a child, I watched them whisper and then not be so quiet and wondered who they were discussing, we all have someone to talk about and I stared at the gigantic cross and let my mind wander.

I prayed that youngest would be okay, I prayed for eldest living in his own hell that I'm not privy to, I prayed that we could get funds from somewhere to furnish the house that has not yet become a home because it’s bare. I prayed I could find extra funds for youngests upcoming 18^th birthday that I so want to commemorate in some way. I even prayed that my stbx found peace in his heart and mind as I have been informed that he is yet again in the local psych unit, why I have no bloody idea as in the 17 years I lived with him he never once was hospitalised.

Then youngest rang me, he was finished, was ready to leave and I told him where to meet me. I was shivering with the cold yet the sun was splitting the trees outside. We said goodbye to Edel who has been in my life as my key support worker for a few months and then youngest and I chatted on the walk home. He is adamant he has Aspergers, he said it fills in all his blanks, the way he talks, the way he thinks, the way he feels, he said he has not felt as enlightened before, he believes the positives outweigh any negatives and he cannot think of any negatives at all now, he said he believes if he gets a diagnosis he will treated “according to his ability and his needs” (a Karl Marx quotation) and will not be “treated as part of the herd because he is different or thinks differently” that he will no longer be thought of as arrogant. I wanted to say good luck son but life aint like that, people aint like that, fuckers will always be fuckers and they are on every street corner and there is jack shit you can do about it but I swallowed down my true feeling down, I just let him talk.

When we got home, I had dinner to make, I wanted to escape, to blow off some steam but the only steam I had was coming out of my ears, no chance of forgetting who I am or what I am in this life time, chin up, chest out, smile on and light and airy voice switched on, who the hell am I kidding? I want to rant and rage, scream and shout and curse like a fucking trooper, this cannot be fucking happening yet again, IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR ON THEM OR ON ME, IT'S NOT.

I realised I've had a headache for 3 days now, lack of sleep and worry will do that, leave you foggy, heavy, I get to sleep okay, it’s staying asleep that’s my recent and recurring problem, I have exams coming up but fuck that, it’s just another qualification that will come thru the post hopefully that I cannot even afford a frame for so I have pushed even the thought of exams to one side.

Youngest woke up at 7am, he asked me again what the meeting today was all about so I reminded him and off he went to school.

Youngest rang me, he stormed out of school thru the emergency exit, every day there is new problem to be solved and I hate dealing with all this crap. He got in a panic, a staff member tried to stop him from leaving and he freaked and exited.

The school meeting was postponed by the Principal until the afternoon now and I'm running on empty, I've been awake since 4am and I'm completely knackered.

Youngest arrived home and he was very angry. I gave him a hug and he told me how it all began. He hates being around too many people and said he was stopped from leaving the canteen, understandable because it's the school rules but he freaked out and told the person present what he thought of the rules and escaped thru the emergency exit door in a blind panic then called me and walked home. As usual I told him the other side of the coin from the school's perspective but all he could see was his perception of events. He insisted that he should not have been barred from leaving because anyone could clearly see he was having a panic attack, He was ranting and raving, he said he had a panic attack which was clearly obvious to anyone who seen him. Eldest heard him and told him “no, you may think others can see it but they can't, the only one who knows it is you so stop being a pussy and a wimp” Youngest told him to “fuck off and stop being a cunt” I shouted at them to stop. Youngest said he's not going back to school and told me “Ms K is off so how the hell can she attend any meeting” I rang the school and got told someone will get back to me. I got youngest to come to Tesco with me, we both needed fresh air, a change of scenery and change of atmosphere. It didn't work, he did not halt for breathe once, talking constantly about how “everyone is retarded at that school” how “they are all scum” I do not know who this boy is at all when he is like this. He should hear himself and hear how crass and idiotic he actually sounds.

I gave youngest money to buy me a card and flowers for Mothers Day.

I woke up at 4am again this morning and sent an email to Edel from Gheel saying youngest wants to go ahead with the assessment and I cannot stand in his way because he is almost an adult, not in my eyes he isn't as he is still my child. I'm not a mother who wants to keep her kids tied to any apron strings, my humorous attitude that both my son’s know about are that kids should be sent up chimneys at age 5 as that is when they are fit for work (joking) Joking aside, I feel sick with fear for him, I do not want him to have this, it has been said he will still be him but WTF it is not fair, my child seemed to exit left and this new person has entered and although he still at times seems to be my loving, thoughtful, sensitive, beautiful child, my baby, he can also appear to be this stranger who has no thought for another, he shoots from the hip, quotes like an academic, looks down on everyone, including me and I wonder where the hell my baby has gone, who is this elitist twat and what hope is there for him and for his brother. Without any hope, we are fucked, totally fucked.

I wrote a letter of complaint to the school yet again, the physical bullying has stopped but then he was ostracised by the whole class, the last person to do this to him was his dad, he just completely ignored his very existence, I did inform the school that this was the case and I could not stand by and watch this happen, my biggest fear is he tips over the edge like his brother and his life is simply destroyed as is his brothers, they called us both to a meeting. So from 4am I hummed and I hawed and I argued as in them and as in us and still could not see a positive outcome so I went on Face-book and played silly games.

1^st April

School meeting. We were sitting in the small waiting room and the Principal came and asked if he could speak to me alone for a few minutes. I went into the corridor with him, he said “can I bring the school psychologist into the meeting” I asked “why, when youngest has repeatedly said he will not meet with him, so why the underhand way of doing this then but luckily I'm one step ahead of you and have already told my youngest that you might do this” The principal said “I would normally have G. M. but she's off sick and Ms K has a doctors appointment” He took us into a room and I met a little man, like a wizened old wizard he was.

Principal – “Do you have any hope for us”

Youngest – “No, anything good about this place has all now disappeared”

Principal – He explains “why rules are in place” and “why you cannot just wander around the school, due insurance reasons” etc.

Youngest – “The whole reason for breaks are to prepare yourself for the next class, gather your book, go to the toilet”

Me – I explained about the up coming assessment for Aspergers and about the meeting with Gheel.

Principal – “Best news I've heard if he's getting assessed, we can get an SNA when necessary for breaks etc, help with his different needs”

Me – “Sounds good but also sounds like he needs a body guard, why would he need one”

Youngest- “Does not really sound good”

Psychologist - “If you need to be different, you have to realise that insurance in a school is a one size fits all”

Me – “Explain what you just said by “if you need to be different” would you say that to someone sitting in a wheelchair”

Psychologist – “No I'm explaining about insurance”

Me – “What has insurance got to do with him being bullied and not feeling safe in this school”

Principal – “As far as PE is concerned you can just skip those classes if it makes it less stressful for you, just come into school late”

Youngest - “I question authority because I know the adults cannot hurt me but my peers can and will and have”

Psychologist – “We all push it a little too far but we all need consequences or we do not learn. Mrs O is very upset at you being so verbally abusive and has written a complaint”

Youngest – “I had a panic attack and had to get out”

Psychologist – “We need to find some focus for your talents”

Youngest – “I know what I want, I have it all mapped out. You talk about consequences but there is none for those who have bullied me”

Psychologist – “There is a huge amount we can offer at this school. Yes, you have been bullied but we are doing things to try and stop this”

Me – “It's obviously not working then, all talk about trying to stop it, how about actually stopping it”

Youngest – “All I want to do is get my education, I should not have to be forced to deal with this situation in the first place, it's psychological bullying too”

Principal – “I know, give me some credit. The psychological bullying seems to be done craftily. If this was a court of law, I would be laughed out of the place as it cannot be proved”

Me – “Are you serious, it's a school, you're in charge, youngest is not making this up”

Youngest – “R. D. seems to have a personal vendetta against me for some reason”

Principal – “I had similar problems at school and I retaliated, would you be interested in learning how best to respond”

Youngest – “No”

Me- “Are you advocating he lashes out. He has already explained why he can question authority but not his peers”

Psychologist – “You need someone to talk to, the worse thing would be having no one to talk to”

Me – “The worse thing is the whole class will not talk to him, they have sent him to Coventry as a punishment, do you know how this affects a person, affects my son, it's a disgrace, he is braver than I ever will be putting up with that crap”

Psychologist – “If you do not engage with anyone, you will be vulnerable and it's going to upset your performance. Whether you do have Aspergers or not, you should know that respect works both ways”

Youngest – “My opinion of these people has been soured, I do not and will not re connect with these people”

Psychologist – “You have crossed the line on occasions, you have an attitude of “I have Aspergers so I can get away with these things”

Me – “How bloody dare you talk about my son like this, have you any idea what Aspergers actually is”

Principal – “V would have a lot of experience of this. All schools have problems. If we had an assessment then we could put higher academic learning in place for you. Will you try our solution, will you give it a leap of faith, I will admit I was a bit sneaky bringing V in but he's the man to talk to, I have over 60 pupils waiting to see him but I'm offering you this chance”

Youngest – “I cannot physically talk about this, I cannot survive in this school”

Psychologist – “I can see he is a ruler type of guy, he wants to defeat others but in the long run he only defeats himself. He knows what's right but he takes all a little too far. I would have a worry that he has oppositional”

Me – “So you have just diagnosed my son after a ten minute meeting when he is clearly stressed about having had to even enter this school”

Principal – “we have only 7 weeks left in the school year, why would you want to leave now, it's only 2 weeks till Easter then 5 weeks till the end of the school year”

Youngest – “I cannot physically keep going, the problems are all within this school”

Principal – “My advice to you would be go see V here on Thursdays, give him half an hour, get to the end of the year, you can stay in my office during breaks,you can order your sandwich at 8.30am but if you are using school facility you need to abide by the rules”

Youngest – “No”

Psychologist – “Jesus, sometimes you are a big whinger, all things can be worked out. You're some man wanting your own way all the time, keep your battles for the big stuff, stuff that is worth winning, even if you don't want to talk to me, just meet me and eat your cereal in the same room as me. You are looking for help but are then rejecting all offered to you, you reject and complain, you have got into a pattern with this type of behaviour. It's never right for you, it never will be right for you but you do need support, you are tough and determined and you do have coping abilities”

Principal – “I see you as a Barrack room lawyer, you will always figure out a way around things, I disagree with your mother here, you are fine able to talk, I don't always like what you have to say though, would it help if your mum was with you when you see V”

Youngest – “No, I have told you many times, I'm not seeing him”

Psychologist – “It's his way or the highway”

Me – “Do you have a problem with my son. The way you are talking about him is not on, do you think you are helping in any way because I certainly do not”

Psychologist – “I just say what I see”

Principal – “I'll feel we have failed you if you leave without the solution being sorted, take tomorrow off, ring new schools but if you just sit at home then that will be a huge waste of your abilities. Why do you always see the worst in people”

Youngest – “I do not”

Psychologist – “Your problem is getting on with your peers, that is your issue”

Me – “youngest was getting on with his peers till they decided he was easy meat and easy pickings”

Psychologist– “I think you would be happier here with what you know. You're caught in a trap, looking for evidence of all against you, you need to give and take, we can't be wrapping you up in cotton wool for god's sake, all we need to do is have a chat about it. You have huge oppositional issues”

Principal – “What you are going thru is bad but other go thru much worse, a lot that has happened would be typical behaviour for this age group. I would be worried that there is no other school place for you, you could be in the same, if not worse situation elsewhere. Just think about it, that’s all I ask, you think about it and let us know”

My youngest was getting restless so I said that we had to go. He started ranting and raving as soon as we left the room, I told him “go back into that room and tell those two in there instead of me” He kept going on about “the fucking retards need the Psychologist not me” I switched off because he was driving me nuts. If he put as much energy into meeting people half way instead of ranting and raving then he could sort all this out.

3^rd April

My youngest gave me beautiful flowers and the nicest Mothers Day card written personally from him that had me bawl me eyes out, my surprise at the words he wrote really touched my heart deeply. I felt so loved for the first time in a long time. I wish it was like this all the time. This was my son back, I hope he stays. The other side of him drains me. If I had the choice of a lottery win or his written words to me today, I would rather be financially poor the rest of my life. Eldest asked me “Is it Mothers Day” I said “yes” and that was his only acknowledgement of what day it was. He did tho also sign the card.

My youngests hand written words to me for Mothers Day

"I have never been good with words so decided to write you a letter to say how much you mean to me. For all of my life, you were all I had, the one I depended on, for everything. Even when I was a child I knew you would always protect and love me, no matter what I said or did. I've always admired your patience and articulation and wish I had half as much as you do. I used to think you were invincible and that nothing could hurt you.  You weren't like other mum's, you took the world on and took everything in your stride. When things blew up in your face, you remained cool and tried to piece things back together again, making the best of things. You never let anyone see you crack. I remember the first time I saw you crack, I just wanted to make it stop, you're my mum and nothing should upset you. I now know that you're not a robot and just as human, just as fragile as the next person but it still upsets me to see you hurting. You deserve everything in the world because that's how much you mean to me. For all your hard work and dedication over the years, I want to let you know that you are appreciated and I couldn't have chosen a better Mum" 

How much do I love my kids? As much as all the stars in the universe, as I used to tell them when they were small.

The definition of love from the dictionary is “a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection towards a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness”

Love is a word that is also used so easily and often. The greatest songs ever written

have been about love, the best films ever seen have been about love, the most anguished poems have love as their base and love apparently makes the world go round.

The love a mother has for her child can move mountains, lift vehicles, give her life for, go hungry for, die for but not all mothers feel the same and their personal circumstances come into play, take my own mother, she had five children and did not raise one of us, that is abhorrent to me, I cannot imagine, decipher the child I gave birth to being out of my arms during their early formative years. I bear the woman no ill will, I met her twice, all woe is her, nor her fault then poof, she disappeared again like the genie in her own proverbial lamp. It means I have never uttered the words of mother, mum, mammy, mam, ma, ever in my life, not ever which I find weird as it is practically the only name I have been called for half my life, I just realised this now with my ramblings.

My own definition of love is: Never having to say you are sorry (I stole that from the film Love Story) and by this I mean you should do nothing to upset or hurt someone so bad that you need apologise. Love should mean you do not hurt those that you love. Love should not be egotistical, there should be none of the, if you loved me you would do x, y or z. That is not love, that is blackmail and I'm guilty of doing that same thing when I was much younger and I've also been on the receiving end of it too, it makes you feel cheap and used. I personally think that love should feel easy, comfortable, happy, alive, joyful, sincere and honest. Or perhaps I'm mad after all and just talking crap.

I love my children, those words sound so hollow, so empty, just words but bring emotion into play and I know that I would die for them, kill for them and I mean that literally yet I do not kill insects. I would beg, borrow and steal for them but luckily I have never had to. I would do anything and everything in my power to ensure their safety, happiness and well being. I am like any other woman around the globe, I am a mum, you can scratch my surface and I may let you see but you scratch my kids and you will definitely see, my warts and all. Woe betide you suffer my wrath, which is an insight as I in the past could not say boo to a ghost, the embarrassment of defending myself or arguing with anyone in public always stopped me from doing so and I kept myself awake for so many nights in my teens and 20's and 30's going over and over in my head “incidents” where I should have and could have and wished I'd said this, that and the other to the other person when an incident happened. It wasn't fear that stopped me as my vocabulary has always been extensive, it was embarrassment but after all that has happened since 2006 and the lies I've been told to my face by those who are esteemed in apparent high circles, well, that just takes the fucking biscuit and no mistake and how dare they. I will not and I have not and I will never put up with LIARS, as the Scottish say “that gets my dander up” I believe it may stem from my own childhood of awaiting a promised visit from a father who never showed up.

More ramblings from moi.

I rarely lose my temper, I deal with everything with my swift verbal responses, which I admit can sound aggressive but I only get that way when I lose the plot completely, a bit like continually prodding a sleeping dog, it can only take so much before it gets fed up and you don't listen to it's growling warnings and you act appalled when it bites you, well I'm like that but verbally. I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone with my words, I consider myself to have tact, diplomacy, decency and kindness but like the prodded dog, I will verbally explode when enough is enough but I rarely lose my temper for myself, maybe I do not hold myself in high regard at all.

My mouth and my extensive vocabulary has got me thru life but always with tact until I was pushed too far which up until 2006 was always only in defence of anyone I perceived as being the “underdog”

When I moved to London with my first partner in 1982, he lost his job had to sign on near Kings Cross which was like a meat market waiting to sign on but I always went along to keep him company. An elderly man was in front of me and I engaged him in conversation as I always found so easy to do with anyone. A man that should have known better as he must have been in his 30's or 40's, it was hard to tell as he was a skinhead with pock marked facial skin and for no reason at all he pushed the elderly man away to the side of the queue and I was incensed, I gave that brute the biggest shove I could and he went flying. My partner at the time was fuming because he thought the bloke would turn on me and so him but he turned into a pussy cat after I gave him a ripe mouthful as only the Scottish can, he probably didn't understand a word I said but he got the gist as he was putty in my hands after I shoved him and I took the arm of the elderly man until it was his turn to sign on. If anyone fucks with any underdog my inner tiger appears but I did shag all to ever stand up for myself.

4^th April

I had to cancel my interview with a charity because my youngest wanted to go to the doctor. I took him to the doctor and youngest told the GP of his fear of the students, the panic attacks he's had at school and the anxiety he now gets at the mere thought of attending school, he was given a sick note for a week and told to come back if he needed another sick note (a huge difference from how the doctor treated his brother) he also offered him anti anxiety meds and then suggested waiting till after his assessment was done.

5^th April

Up early to go into town with youngest to get his work experience form filled in as the school needs it. Went up to the charity offices for my interview, I'd got the day wrong, it's not till Friday. Doh!

Deirdre from Gheel rang me, she said “I will come to the house next Tuesday at 10.30am to have a chat with him to get his views on why he wants an assessment and what he thinks will be achieved if he has a diagnosis of Aspergers” which I thought straight away was a bloody odd thing to want to be asking. I told youngest and he wasn't happy, he said “I've already had the chat with Edel from Gheel and just want to get on with it ASAP” Deirdre had said “it will take 4 hours admin time so I would like to chat to youngest first” As soon as I'd finished talking on the phone with Deirdre, youngest relaunched his ranting and swearing “I already had the chat two weeks ago, Edel couldn't answer any of my questions, she just kept saying I needed to talk to Andy or Michael about it, I wants to know why they're stalling, wasting time, wasting my time and when the fuck are you going to get me a new school” Ungrateful little shit, I'm doing all in my power to help him with everything.

Rang Education Welfare, they only deal with pupils up to 16 years old. FFS.

Youngest will not shut up, he's like a frigging broken record, on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about time wasting, he feels “Gheel are just time wasting time till I get to 18 then no one will help me just like no one helped my brother. I will be left just like he's been left” He said “I need a new school now because they will have to treat me according to my abilities and needs and that is why I needs the urgent assessment” I told him “tell all this to Deirdre not me because you are giving me a bloody headache”

I cannot do this again, I cannot watch another child of mine go thru “stop the world, I'm in hiding mode” I cannot allow it to happen but I don't know how to stop it, no expert is telling me how to stop it, it feels like we really are out in the cold and on our own after everything that has bloody happened and case conference meetings. I knew and I predicted that it was a crock of shit and no one, no one cares at all. I am dog tired of this, I am bone weary of it, a cold fear is seeping into my heart. I now know that I'm not meant to have any life of my own, why and who decided is beyond me. My rattling train of thought the other night when I could not sleep chugged...this is it...this it it...this is it...this is all it is ever going to be. My kids may be grown but they need me as much as they always did. My eldest depends on me for everything, cooking, cleaning, I even run his bath for him. I sometimes wonder if it's mammy syndrome or a blatant taking the piss from him or easier for him or me. I do confront him but only in my head, I'm no longer brave enough to do so straight to his face, it's supposedly a low arousal technique, keep all hunky dory, do not react, retreat if necessary, so writing this down is my way of SHOUTING it all out of me, of how much I fucking hate having to live this way, cope this way, hurt inside this way and cope ALONE.

6^th April

UPC cut me off because I still owed them €80. Eldest roared at me “get it paid now, use my money and never, ever let this happen again” I felt like telling him to fuck off out of my face, who the hell does he think he is talking to me like that.

Youngest is again in my ear asking me “how long till my assessment” he says “I need it so I can take it to the doctor and get anti anxiety meds so I can go to school” he's asking me “will I get it before Easter” I told him “I don't know does but does that mean you will go back to school then” he said “I don't know” God give me frigging strength. I told him I'm not the person he should be talking to re his anxiety so I made him an appointment with the GP, he said he did not feel he could talk on his own so he wanted me with him.

Into the GP we went. I explained why youngest was there and the possibility of him also having Aspergers and the school bullying. Youngest then spoke after the GP had been filled in by me. He got a sick note. The doctor wished me luck as we left. I said it's not luck I need, it's a magic frigging wand, he laughed at that and I thought I could see pity too, have I yet again been walking around with my eyes shut re my kids and this Aspergers.

I need to write a letter to the school with a copy of the sick note. I need to email the Advocacy lady and also my friend. At this moment in time, they are the only people I trust enough to lay all my proverbial cards out on the proverbial table.

7^th April

Took youngest to the cafe, had a lovely slice of cake, it made a nice change but he ruined it by moaning, complaining and bitching about “not going back to that cunting school” I got mad at him, and told him to “give my head some bloody peace and quiet”

8^th April

Interview with a charity so I can get out of the house and volunteer. I was not expecting to be in front of a panel of three people but I got on great and made them laugh.

Rang the doctor for another sick note for youngest so the school would not de register him yet.

No maintenance been paid. For the love of Christ, what will make that low life pay for his kids.

A call from the Principal acknowledging receipt of the sick note but asking when youngest was coming back. The sick note is for one week to take the pressure off youngest and me too to give him some time and for me to try and make him see sense and hopefully return to the school with supports in place. So why is the bloody Principal on the phone after day one of the sick note. For fuck sake. Some people have no common sense at all. All higher education places should be teaching everyone to have common sense and handing out degrees in the subject, it sure would save a lot of bullshit in the long run.

9^th April

Youngest is pissing me off big time with his bitching and moaning, it is non stop, he will not let up, he has nothing nice or good to say about anyone at all. He is the biggest emotional vampire I have ever encountered, he can drain all happiness out of me in nano seconds. I ended up shouting at him “you have two choices, either go to school or don't go to school, piss on the potty or get off it” He had the bloody sheer cheek to tell me “you don't give a shit about me” I told him “that's my main problem, I do give a shit and far too much and I wish to god I didn't because you are bombarding me every waking minute and continually sucking what bit of spirit I have left in me”

Had a college day for my exam study. At the moment I have not a chance in hell of passing anything because I do not get a minutes peace to be left alone to study.

10^th April

I have 10 days to come up with a miracle to get something for my youngests 18^th birthday. No fucking maintenance is being paid at all.

11^th April

Forced to send a text to ex re no maintenance. Reply at 12.57pm “Still an in patient, having difficulties sorting out welfare, my social worker has organised an emergency allowance, I'm picking it up on Wednesday”

I checked his girlfriends blog, she posted a photo of their dining table with their dinner on it and a bottle of wine was the focal point in the middle of their table. I am full up to the back teeth with his bullshit.

12^th April

Deirdre from Gheel was here at the house for two and a half hours. She said “youngest fits the criteria for Aspergers” I burst into tears in front of them both, youngest gave me a hug, Deirdre said “it's still him” but she knows nothing, she knows fuck all. My youngest flits in and out, the other side of him has taken over 80% of the time. I am broken hearted, I was secretly hoping it wasn't true. How can it be true, how can my baby change as quickly as he has done in every way possible. He is not the boy I know and love and adore and would die for, he went downhill fast after the bullying in another County, he isolated himself. My friend had said it usually presents in teens when hormones kick in, no wonder no one knew what youngest had, he didn't even know himself so how the hell could I have known. It feels like I have this stranger who has taken over my son's body living with me and I want my baby back. I WANT MY FUCKING BABY BACK. We were always so close, he was always the spark in my life, my reason for breathing, my side kick, my buddy, my friend, my beloved son and I want my baby back.

Deirdre from Gheel said she would be back to do part two of the assessment but she wants to see youngest on his own. She wants his history and the time line of his childhood. I have it all written down anyway because I've written baby journals in letter format from pregnancy for both my sons so I just have to type it out and send to her.

I couldn't see what I was typing from my hand written baby diaries due to the tears pouring out of my eyes. I am finding this so difficult to accept. Why can no one see what this is doing to me, do they even care, I doubt it. If anyone did care enough to ask I would tell them I feel like I have been hit by a runaway train that continued to drag me along until the train decided to stop, leaving me skinned raw, all my senses seem heightened yet numb, I find it very difficult to describe, everything appears to be rushed yet I seem to have slowed right down, I have stopped still whilst life goes on all around me, this must be what shock feels like. I just cannot believe it. To be told, ah well, yes your baby has this life long disability that caused your life to change so drastically and so isolated with your eldest son, this disability that means there is no let up at all with constant verbal abuse, threats, demands, threats of violence and actual violence but don't worry your baby is still your baby and we shall see him again in a couple of weeks to finish his assessment, bye, bye and off she went. I AM INTERNALLY SCREAMING THE PLACE DOWN WITH A HEART BROKEN INTO A MILLION PIECES, BATTERED, TATTERED, BEATEN DOWN TO A PULP. Someone, somewhere, anywhere, please fucking help us, help me, for Christ sake, please help me.

Youngest has been remarkably mature about this journey he decided himself to partake in, he led this process, he figured it out all on his own, he knew something wasn't right with how he thought, acted and interacted with the world around him, he did his own investigations before telling me what he considered he had, then he continued down the path seeking professional clarification via an assessment. I just cannot believe it tho. What a top woman I must be having two kids with a life long disability and I did not know. Gold star to this mum for being a fucking loser idiot. I have yet to be asked by anyone how I'm taking it. I'm not taking it very well. I am utterly heart broken. I never saw this coming at all. I was far too busy stuck in shit from all quarters to even see my best buddy son had Autism. How did I not know.

How do you describe grief?

With my eldest this road was so very different. There was something so obviously and clearly wrong with him since childhood and he was eventually diagnosed after a self inflicted crisis and the diagnosis with him was kind of a relief to me, albeit a total shock, because it explained why he was like he was and what he did and the plan back then was to get all professionals onboard to help, advise and support him, which DID NOT happen. And he wasn't going to let it happen either.

I just have to trust that my youngest will be fine and continue to be mature regarding anything that comes his way and that he will seek help, support and advise as and when he needs it. I am so proud of him and how he has dealt with this, I am consumed with pride but my heart is broken and I feel like the most stupid imbecile person on the planet. I didn't know. I didn't see it. I do not want this for him. No one is surprised except me. Why was I not advised of the possibility of this in 2007, there were enough professionals in our lives about eldest and youngest also met many of them. If I had even been told there was a possibility of this happening it may have saved the poor child the crap of sustained and violent bullying at the school he attended previously. My hope now is that the professionals now involved have told me they will have a meeting with his present school and make sure it's a safe environment for his needs. All I want is for him to finish his education in safety and we shall see what he wants to do after that is done. I also hope that the school bullies who are actually cowards will grow balls and leave my son the fuck alone once and for all.

I have hardly been out of the house since the assessment process began. At home I have to be seen to be coping, be strong, be capable, be okay. I have two sons who do not leave the house so there is no place in the house that I can be alone, to fall apart in private, as I feel I am going to do. I know being outside leaves me free to be myself, it allows me to think the thoughts that I cannot think at home but my eyes fill up with tears merely with my thoughts at the moment and that's not good to happen in public so I swallow down the lump in my throat that is now a permanent fixture, I bottle it all up and tighten the lid on any emotion but by god when that lid comes off, it scares me to think what will happen when everything comes gushing out because I feel so angry, cheated, grief stricken, petrified and fucking furious at the cards I've been dealt and now my poor kids also, they have already suffered and the child inside me is chanting, it's not fair...it's not fair. Yes of course things could be much worse, I know that, of course I do, but at this present moment in time to find out my baby has a disability that will never go away, that will cause him difficulty in interacting with others the rest of his days when I will not be around to be his shield, his buffer, his protector, his mentor, his mammy, has me weeping silent, hot, painful, choked up tears, this is my baby, my buddy, my friend, my side kick, my beloved child. It's not right and it's not fucking fair. The sensible side of me says I have been the best mother I could be, the child in me says I have been a crap mother, what kind of mother doesn't know her children had a disability. My only excuse, defence is that when you live with something long enough it becomes normal. I really did not know and fuck knows what's round the corner for me and for us. What else is coming at us. I am so damn weary. I want my baby back. I want my eldest back as he was before the agoraphobia. I want my kids to be normal again and I make no apologies for saying and writing that because it is my truth.

Edel from Gheel Autism Services wrote to me that “Aspergers Syndrome is a sub group within the Autistic Spectrum. It is a development Neuro biological disorder and people can experience huge social anxieties and have trouble reciprocating social interactions and communication. There can be a tendency for having intense interests and preoccupations and many people also have specific sensory issues. In some extreme cases people with Aspergers Syndrome can become very withdrawn from society due to heightened stress levels fuelled by the demands of social interactions, communication and sensory issues such as sound and light sensitivity. High levels of stress and anxiety can leave someone with Aspergers Syndrome easily frustrated and very angry.

No one has ever said or written that I know of, what it does to the person who lives with this who doesn't have Aspergers, no one has written what it does to them, how it affects them, especially if they are alone and isolated and dealing with two sons with this, in my personal view, a dreadful condition. No one ever tells you the truth or the real story.

All my hope and dreams for my sons and for me disappeared in a diagnosis. Youngest from childhood in my eyes was going to be an architect, he was always brilliant at designing and building things. Eldest always wanted to be a soldier or a lawyer, what chance do they have now when they cannot cope with an outside life. And I don't think I am strong enough to handle this on my own. In fact I know I'm not and I keep telling the powers that be this, but they do not listen and they do not care and they do not give a shit.

13^th April

From Edel from Gheel:

Hi, I'm just checking to see how things have been since? In relation to youngests school, D is waiting to hear back from the educational psychologist and Ms K in relation to putting supports in place for youngest to go back to school, as we were saying it is important to have supports in place and staff training carried out before youngest returns in order to ensure that things go well for him. Once Deirdre has report finished she will contact you with same. I think it would be a good idea to arrange to meet up again soon or you can contact me when you feel ready. In relation to Michael McCreadie he is over next week on Friday 20th May as we had said and can meet with youngest in the afternoon. I'll be in touch next week in relation to confirming meeting place and time. Kind regards”

14^th April

Deirdre from Gheel was here for four hours. Youngest had a lot of tests to do, he was really stressed out that it would still not be done and ready for when school started back but Deirdre told him they were half way thru now. She said she will get the report typed and ready to be signed off by Andy Mc Donnell and will “ring the school to arrange a meeting as they need to be trained to facilitate his needs”

I checked my emails and got one from the ex's girlfriend I forwarded her email to my solicitor. I am fit to be tied.

The pure cheek and audacity of it coming from a girl who has never been a mother or a wife, they are wrapped in their own bubble giving not a thought of the shock or pain of how a mother would feel on finding out her child has a life long disability and she wants my children's medical information so she can pass them on to my sons fathers care team in a mental hospital. She and he can both go and fuck themselves to kingdom come. How dare he talk about my kids to her. I suppose it takes all sorts to make up a world. They are getting no energy from me to even warrant any reply because I have no energy left to give.

I rang the hospital my ex is in and asked for admissions. I told the person at the other end of the phone that I am the ex's wife of 21 years and I received an email from his current girlfriend requesting my children’s medical details which I will NOT be providing. The man asked if he could have my contact numbers in case of an emergency. He then put me thru to the ex's Consultant's secretary. I told her I can give you his full history having been his wife of 21 years, the secretary said that's great, will you be free to talk to the Consultant by phone tomorrow as he is busy with meetings all day today”. I said “okay”

L who kindly escorts me to family law court came to house at 12.30pm. I was upset telling her about my youngest. She said “I will contact Edel from Gheel, I think you have just been abandoned and left to get on with it and I think it's a disgrace a mother can be given news that her son, another son also has a life long disability and no one has contacted you to to see how you are coping with that news” I told her “it's just another cash till ringing for them, they don't care about people” I said “they should be assessing themselves as they have as much empathy as a tin of fucking paint”

My friend rang me, she asked “how are you coping with the news about youngests diagnosis” bless her, she is a wonderful woman. I cried down the phone to her. I was so upset. She said “supports can now be put in place” I said “sorry but I won't hold my fucking breath waiting, where is the supports for eldest cause we still ain't got them and I'm sick of mentioning Dr Shah's name and report” She told me hang on in and email her as often as I need to as it will help me to off load. She is a remarkable woman. I would be so lost without her.

Edel from Gheel rang me. I'm not happy and told her so. “As far as I am concerned I have been given the worse possible news I could be given concerning MY baby and no one cares, it may be just another paid day to you but this is my and my kids life” She said “I can meet up on Monday at 2.30pm in the cafe”

15^th April

I have woken up in a furious mood. I want to kick the crap out of someone. I want to rant, rage and scream and howl poison filled profanities at someone, anyone, I want to off load this bubbling internal fury and feel like me again, but I can’t. I had a dreadful nights sleep, I was awake every two hours with a mind like a car race track and for someone who is normally up, bathed and dressed by 7am I am sitting here unwashed and undressed thinking what is the fucking point, my external mask can stay off today, I have nothing planned anyway, no meetings, the boys are in their rooms, youngest is still in the land of nod. At least I am feeling something again, even if it is anger, it means I have some energy returning, that I am coming out of the numb fog that had descended.

Eldest was awake at 4am and told me “I had a dream about Zombies, it was great and I did not want it to end”

18^th April

I met Edel from Gheel in a cafe for the first time in months. She said she is looking in to where I can get a mosquito net for eldests bedroom window because he will not open his window in case anything that buzzes flies in and he told me he was dreading the summer months because he almost cracked up last year (his excuse for attacking me) so I was told by him that I had to sort that out. I had to leave the building because I broke down in tears in the cafe, I was sobbing and blubbering which was very embarrassing. I talked about my youngest, his behaviour, how he talks to me, his education and worse of all this fucking Aspergers diagnosis. I kept losing my train of thought regularly but Edel said “it's stress” my hair falling out again had already told me that. Having a one and a half hour chat helped even though I can hardly remember what we spoke about. Ahhhh, what the fuck, it will all be fine eventually I hope. It had better be as I'm exhausted mentally and fucked physically.

19^th April

I rang the solicitor, she said the ex “has been checking out my linked in page numerous times” She said “I'm not in least bit worried as I've come across worse characters than him but it proves he's clearly worried” She told me “ignore all from the girlfriend, I believe she's trying to suck you in to communicate with her and she's talking complete nonsense with what she said in her last email because no solicitor would ever engage with anyone in a mental health unit, they would not be allowed near him, the girlfriend must be bored” She asked me what hospital was the ex in, then said “he can only play that card for so long and he will have to face the divorce one day”

My gorgeous boy youngest is 18 today, the years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I put €100 in a birthday card for him, I've no extra money for anything else. He gave me a huge hug and asked if I would go into town with him. We walked around many shops but he ended up putting the money on his 3V card to spend online.

Eldest showed his brother how to do squats, it was the first time in months they spent ten minutes in one another's company with no war of words or threats breaking out.

I'm feeling very sad for my eldest because it's April again. It's been 5 years since he was part of a normal life, 5 Springs, 5 Summers, 5 Autumns and 5 Winters have passed him by and he's had no part in it. It's a crying shame he's missed out on so much life, fresh air, oxygen, human company, education, friends. It's like he no longer exists in the outside world at all, he is doing time but has committed no crime. He was a stunningly beautiful child and is now a very handsome man yet sees himself as monstrous looking which is so far removed from the truth, what a tragic waste of a life in someone so young with so much going for him. I wish I knew what the fuck to do. I can honestly say I have tried everything. I've been told “keep positive about him because you never know what the future will bring” but god above this has gone on for 5 long years now.

I am down in the dumps. I suppose once I get over the shock that I have two children with this Autism that has to date caused so much anguish and fool that I am, I did not even know it till it got so extreme it was clear something was wrong, I feel guilty too, I feel pity for them both, for their future and pity for myself at having no other life and been left by that evil bastard ex in utter poverty. I'm raging I've had no proper supports except phone calls and a meeting in a cafe when I say continually that I'm going to crack up and now I'm on medication for stress, it's a straight jacket I should be in by now. Perhaps that is what Gheel are waiting for, they will probably get more money if they take over completely once the carer has cracked up. They know what this is doing to me because I shout it at them often enough.

26^th April

Deirdre from Gheel was at house at 10.30am. I had completely forgot she was coming and was just out of the bath and had no make up on, I was mortified at being seen like this. Again she was here for over 4 hours. She asked if I could leave the living room so youngest would had no distractions. These people think they can say what they like to people in their own homes. I sat upstairs. Youngest was fuming at her but he said nothing till she left and told me in his by now usual manner. He said “Deirdre said not once, not twice, but three times that the normal population would say this, when I didn't understand a question” I told him “you've probably taken it the wrong way” but he was adamant he hadn't, he kept saying to me “the opposite of normal is abnormal” He said “I do not like these people at all” I told him to tell Deirdre himself instead of waiting till she'd left and blast it repeatedly at me and hound me about it over and over again. He screamed at me “I can't” No answer to that but it's me that gets his blasts of venom directly in my face.

Just some thoughts: In the past 50 years the changes in families re divorce, lone parents, smaller families and people moving far and wide due to economic reasons means that more and more people become isolated (as in our case) and then have to depend on professional help, education and support but you have to find all this out for yourself as no one will be banging down your door to tell you exactly what services you are entitled to.

In my personal case you get passed from Billy to Jack then told Tom, Dick or Harry is responsible but Tom, Dick or Harry are far too busy and have to speak to someone else for clarification and get back to you but oh wait, they forget you as soon as they leave you and you find yourself back at square one and slip into a deep dark hole of despair, depression and/or anxiety and left alone to deal with it all.

Meanwhile, Billy, Jack, Tom, Dick or Harry are being paid a decent salary, can clock in and clock off, can have an outside life, do not live the life that a carer has to and the carer wonders just what the fuck is going on, if anything. Yes I'm being facetious, just giving a hint of what carers feel and cope with. I could really go insane if I harked back and thought of all the professionals who have let my eldest down due to knowing absolutely nothing about his condition or deciding he was far too expensive an exercise to waste funds on and so washed their hands of him.

But Dr Amitta Shah did know everything and gave her many years of expertise and wrote an extensive report on my eldest with IMMEDIATE recommendations that I was told by IAA “whatever she recommends, the HSE have to commit to and get it implemented” AND told by M from Autism Services “whatever Dr Shah has recommended, all will have to abide with it” yet not one fucker did.

All I can do is wait and hope and hound the professionals but if anyone had told me that we would still be in this situation five whole years later I would never have believed it, perhaps it’s just as well I didn't know. I will be fucked if I allow the same bullshit and lies from any professional to allow my youngest to end up that way. I am not as green and naive or cabbage looking as I was back then when I knew Jack shit at all about anything.

Luckily I have a very strong personality that has carried me onwards so far, apart from one episode when all around me thought I was cracking up when I head butted a tree after a bad episode with my eldest, I don’t know what the tree felt but it quickly brought me to my senses. I feel physically unwell now so I'm going to the doctor for an MOT, something is wrong and I have been putting it off for a while so it’s time I got checked out. Mentally I'm very low but I know that's only isolation, terrible poverty and fear and worry.

27^th April

Eldest wanted two bookcases and a black out blind for his bedroom. I got them from Argos, the weight of them and getting them into a taxi was awful. The blind didn't fit his window because he'd measured it wrong. What a waste of money. Youngest put his bookcases together for him. Eldest then said “I want to buy hundreds of books, decent classics to fill them up”

28^th April

Youngest had a meeting at Gheels office to meet Deirdre. I thought great because it would mean I could get my head down and study for my exams but oh no he said “I can't go alone because I'll get lost” so he insisted I went with him. I took my study books with me. I had to go to the sorting office first to collect a missed delivery of books for my eldest because neither eldest or youngest answered the door whilst I was at Tesco shopping. 

Youngest was with Deirdre in Gheel for an hour. I sat in the dining area. Edel sat with me. 

Deirdre came out and told me “the report is 10 pages long at the moment and he is very intelligent” I said “I know” She said she told him about an Aspergers support group held in town on Sunday's but he told her “no thanks” 

I left with youngest and we started the long walk to the bus stop and youngest said “I'm going to no fucking support group, they just want to lump all the retards together” I was almost in tears in the street thinking about another child of mine having this Autism and was still trying to get my head around it all. It was all happening far too quickly for me and I hadn't accepted that this could possibly be true but he wouldn't shut up. He started shouting at me in the busy street, in front of everyone walking past “how the fuck did you not know I had this, you must have known” I told him “I cannot take this right now and no I didn't know at all, all I know is I had you and I gave birth to two perfect and healthy children who passed all milestones, you went to school, no one picked up there were any problems despite me telling everyone about your brother since he was aged 4 and I've done my best all these years under very difficult circumstances” I told him “ I'm in shock about you having this too” He said “I don't believe you, you're a liar, you must have known” I stomped off like a child and told him “leave me the hell alone, I do not want you to talk to me at all if you don't quit with the abuse and the blame” He wouldn't leave me alone, he was going on about school, telling me what he thought of the place, the staff and the students, he said “I'm not going back until Gheel have spoken to them and got everything in place for me, then I might go back, I'm now willing to meet Michael Mc Creadie to learn coping strategies” 

It is me who needs to learn coping strategies, it would help me if I was deaf and couldn't hear him, he never knows when to stop. He never thinks about anyone else but himself.  

30^th April

I just realised I'd no medication left for eldest. I tore the house apart looking for them but had none left. I rang D Doc who told me I could go down to them at 2.45pm. I couldn't function properly because I was scared witless that eldest would flip at me again because when I told him this morning there were no tablets left he freaked out roaring at me “I will go into withdrawal again”

I got the bus to D Doc. The doctor gave me 4 days supply. I had to practically beg for them because they said they couldn't give me any because they hadn't seen the patient. I must have looked and sounded like a nutter because I told the doctor “I'm not be leaving empty handed, you can call the Garda to remove me and then call the HSE to go and look after my kids” but thank god I was given them in the end because I wouldn't have gone home at all because I knew what I would have faced with eldest if I had no medication to give him.

I chased the ex again because I've still had no maintenance. Court orders mean nothing.

I'm not superwoman, no one is but professionals expect me to be despite me telling them at Gheel that I'm falling apart here. I feel as big as Tinker fucking Bell. No one seems to notice I am literally falling apart mentally, emotionally and physically.

I need to study. I need to focus on my Open University course somehow.

Eldest asked me to cut his hair for him, it's almost waist length so I was nervous about cutting it but I did and it's now shoulder length and it looks good. He has always been gorgeous looking, he just cannot see it himself. I always thought he would be the model in the family. I kept his hair that I cut, like I always did when they were young, barbers thought I was mad as I would be on my knees collecting my sons hair they'd cut from the floor. I still have all their hair cuts in envelopes.

3^rd May

I need to get a repeat prescription.

I need to send an email to Deirdre and Edel at Gheel re youngest not going back to school until Gheel staff have spoken to the school.

I need to study Block 5 and get my essay done and do my online assignment for the Open University.

4^th May

I was in Tesco when I realised my eldest had told me he was waiting on a large delivery of books, I didn't want the delivery missed because it would mean a long walk and a heavy load for me to carry if it was missed. I rang my eldest 5 times and he didn't answer once. I rang youngest, it took me ringing him three times before he woke up and answered. I told him to make sure he stayed awake for the delivery, he said okay. When I got home there was a missed delivery card in the door. Youngest had gone straight back to sleep when he finished talking to me on the phone. I am not happy.

I keep telling myself to get my arse in gear and study.

Out of the blue my eldest downloaded all 70 and 80's music for me. I was delighted and touched that he thought about me.

Sent a copy of youngests sick note to the school by email and told them he will be back in school once he's met Michael McCreadie who's going to teach him coping strategies.

5^th May

Deirdre from Gheel rang, she said “I'm awaiting a call from the school so we can go meet them and inform them about Aspergers” I said “neither me nor my youngest want the full report given to the school, they don't need to know about any family history, they just need to be taught about what having Aspergers means” She said “okay I won't”

I sent a text to Edel from Gheel asking if we could have a chat, she said she would call me at 5pm but she didn't ring me at all.

6^th May

Checked my bank at 3.30pm for maintenance, nothing was paid. I was freaking out. I needed that money desperately. I sent the ex a text saying “I'm in town and will go straight into the court because you haven't paid the maintenance” When I checked my bank at 4pm he had paid, the freakazoid, he didn't even reply by text to let me know, what a wanker.

I broke my heart crying today. I should get it in my thick skull because youngest has been telling me and Edel from Gheel has been telling me and now there is a report on it's way to me to confirm that my baby has Aspergers. It is not fair for him, it's not fucking fair. I really didn't see this coming at all. I have no idea what this means for his future at all. The Professionals are so used to dishing out reports, doing their job but what about us parents, we are just left with the earth shattering information. I AM FUCKING BROKEN HEARTED. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me it will all be okay, I want someone to hug me and say they will be there for me and help me thru this. But no one is so it won't happen. My son is just a new cog in a Disability wheel, my eldest has been neglected and ignored now for 5 years by the powers that be and I do not even factor anywhere in this god awful shitty scenario. God please, please, please give us our old life back before all this shit began. I want my sons back as they were before all this. They were normal.. I will do anything to have them back as they once were. I never knew before how painful and hot and searing a hard lump in the throat could be. Just please bring me back my sons. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE.

7^th May

Another email to Deirdre of Gheel

"Hi Deirdre, I have attached a consent letter for the school meeting. I would like to reiterate that I do not want the school to see the full report as my youngests whole life has nothing to do with them, it is only help and support to cope with his anxieties that he will need to get back into school and stay there. Can you let me know when I shall have a copy of this report regarding my son please. Many thanks”

8^th May

My friend rang me and told me that no matter where I would have been the boys would have still had the problems they now have and it's usually the teen years that brings all to the surface. She told me to stay positive. I turned my phone off and went to bed. This is not like me at all. I am not like me at all. I do not know who the fuck I am any more and I'm not in the mood for talking and no one except my friend calls me anyway.

Had an email from Deirdre from Gheel in response to mine. She said she will not give the full report to the school.

10^th May

Awake at 4am, I can't sleep, I want and need to stop thinking.

I had to go and meet L for a review support meeting. They will keep me on for another 3 months for court support. I'm so grateful about it.

I twisted my knee running for the bus. Jesus Christ the pain was horrendous.

Got home at 12.15pm, made eldest lunch, went to bed, no report from Gheel arrived. So now Gheel know and the school know but the mother knows Jack shit because I still ain't got it and neither has my youngest. Something is twisted and fucked up about that.

Had a missed call on my phone from Gheel, they wanted to talk to youngest first and then me.

I rang Gheel. Deirdre told me “we had a meeting with the Principal and with Ms K, we were told the school staff would find youngest to be arrogant but I told them it's the Aspergers, not youngest” She said “it's great to see people actually understand when it's explained to them, I believe they are now coming to an understanding of Aspergers but the school are insisting they use their own psychologist to give their staff training” I said “no way, I've met the psychologist and he hasn't a clue about Aspergers because he tried to force my youngest into socialising when my youngest told him he couldn't” I told her “Gheel should be the ones teaching all staff who come into contact with youngest” Deirdre said “all we can do is liaise with the school because we don't wish to offend them” She said “the school is open to supplying an SNA for youngest to get him from A to B because his safety would be the biggest issue and I will talk to Ms K about not calling youngest out of his class in front of everyone else. The report still hasn't been signed off by Andy McDonnell as yet but yes it's complete but cannot be sent until it's signed by the boss”  She said “I have emailed Andy about it again and will email it to you once it's been signed”

I feel so upset and very alone. I want to go back when my boys were little and make different choices, but no one knew, not even their schools knew so how the hell would I know they had A.S.  I wish there had been an early diagnosis for eldest and by god I did try even when he was little as I knew by his behaviour there was something wrong with him but it was poo pooed by anyone I spoke to back then. I should have stayed away from that evil bollix of an ex the first time I left him instead of always being sweet talked back. I would have lived in the same place and been permanent and stable and financially independent. Why did I not know about Aspergers, why did know one else see it. I went to enough people when eldest was younger. It's not fair. Now I am in worse state than ever. Do professionals think this is normal, finding out you have two kids with a life long disability, who are so abusive and difficult to live with, do they think I'm super woman with no wants, needs, hopes and dreams of my own, not deserving of anything else except this continual crap and my own damn company. The boys do not even notice me except when I have NOT done something they want. I am just a piece of furniture, always here to cook, clean, shop, mind them, protect them, defend them, yet they do not give me a minute of their time in at all.

I sent Edel from Gheel a text “I do not want to see you tomorrow because I do not see the point in going round in circles with nothing ever changing. I will call you when my mood is not so low”

I'm raging at Gheel. I have told Edel one meeting per month is not enough for me with all I have going on with my sons on a daily basis. I'm sick of going round in circles, sick of no services and no supports in place. I told the HSE and I told Gheel that my biggest fear was my youngest ending up like my eldest and stuck in the house 24 hours per day and now it's happened. I’ve come to realise that Gheel are simply a business, they do not actually give a shit about families at all coping with what I'm having to cope with. I have lost count of the amount of times I have told them that my biggest fear was youngest becoming the same as his brother.

I sent my friend a text, she rang me, we had a long chat.

I went off to Tesco and had a call from my land line “where are you” from youngest, I asked him where he thought I was. Where is the only place I ever go to. Perhaps they should just tag me like a criminal.

Youngest hasn't been out unless he's with me the past 6 weeks now and he then turns into a stranger, he gets argumentative, he dictates to me, he totally drains me, he calls me a show off in the street because I am myself when I'm out of the house, I listen to my music, I sing along, I talk to strangers and all this makes me a “show off” according to youngest. I'm not a show off, I'm like a puppy who is excited and delighted to be out and about and seeing other humans.

I've still not managed to get any sleep at all, my knee is still killing me from when I twisted it but I found a support bandage to wear. I don't want to get up or go out tomorrow but I have to bank eldests money because there is no one else to do it.

I have €2 left in my purse until Thursday, what a fucking horrible life this is.

11^th May

Not had much sleep. Was at the post office for 9am, bad day the rest of day.

Youngest was awake early, I convinced him to come and get his hair cut, I said we would go to the barber because he was used to that place. He got his hair cut short and it's lovely to see his face again, his hair grows as quick as the grass.

I kept checking my emails to see if the report would come thru as I was told it would from Gheel. I got nothing, this is cruel.

Eldest didn't eat the lunch I made him, he ate crisps and biscuits instead. If he thinks for a minute he will get away with having a go at me when he puts on weight again, he can think again.

I sent an email to Deirdre at Gheel: “Thank you Deirdre, I did speak to the Education Psychologist when I had meeting with her and she said getting an SNA could take a very long time so I do not hold out much hope for that, looks like youngest will be at home 24 hours per day for the rest of the term and the very long Summer holidays. Appreciate all your help”

13^th May

I cancelled my meeting with Edel from Gheel because I've been so upset with everything happening and my eyes are so swollen with crying and I will not be seen in public looking this way but she was insisting that we still met up, she said “I think it's important”  What IS bloody important is that she listens to me, listens to what I'm telling her, I do not want to go anywhere in public and have a nervous fucking breakdown in front of any one.

L rang me, I cried my eyes out telling her I'm finding everything far too much to cope with. L asked me if she could ring Edel at Gheel for me and told me “ no one can force you to do anything or go anywhere and you have a right to be respected and to be heard” I said “try telling these people that” She said she would call me back once she had spoken to Edel.

L rang me again, she said she had spoken to Edel who said that she “understands” how I feel.  I said “that's a complete turnaround because she would not let up about me meeting her despite me telling her no, for a full 15 minutes”  L was told “Deirdre from Gheel is meeting with the Educational Psychologist at the school”  I had been told the meeting would be held with the Principal. “Gheel are doing this so all remains friendly with the school” I do not trust Gheel at all, not one of them, I should have trusted my own instincts back in 2009 when I was chasing their CEO Peter Byrne for my report back and having my texts and calls to Martin “who helps parents” ignored for Christ knows what reasons. They are not about helping people, they are about money, I am convinced of it. They are a business.

• Edel from Gheel meets me in public and talks to me and gets me to talk about personal things which breaks my heart and so I always end up crying and feel shame at doing so in public, it is embarrassing. I feel exposed and I feel particularly emotional due to all that is going on in my life with my kids. The last time I met her I had to leave the cafe as I was so upset and we sat on a park bench in full view of everyone whilst I cried my eyes out, how the fuck is that support.

• So called crisis support, I am told I can call or text at any time but when I do it can take days before anyone gets back to me.

• I have requested continually but still haven't got to see the Family Support Plan for me and my family, why not?

• Youngest was told, not asked, he was told to meet Michael Mc Creadie in a cafe despite not knowing the man and having never met the man before and he was told he had to go alone. Why all the dictating, what exactly are they experts around Autism for, as it does not sound like it to me at all. I am always getting told that anxiety is a huge issue for those with Aspergers but they then over rule “anxiety” and tell my youngest who to see and where to see them, it's just crazy.

• I got told “counselling was part of the support package” by Edel continually and she would “source the right counselling” for me but nothing came out of it and it has been a year since I was told and told again and again. Nor do I know what the “support package is” and I have been asking to see it since fucking 2009.

I do not like the changing of stories, it makes me question my own mind which is why I write all and everything down and having total recall of all important conversations helps too.

Email from Edel from Gheel

“Hi, I'm just checking to see how things have been since? In relation to youngests school, Deirdre is waiting to hear back from the educational psychologist and Ms K in relation to putting supports in place for youngest to go back to school, as we were saying it is important to have supports in place and staff training carried out before youngest returns in order to ensure that things go well for him. Once Deirdre has report finished she will contact you with same. I think it would be a good idea to arrange to meet up again soon or you can contact me when you feel ready. In relation to Michael McCreadie he is over next week on Friday 20th May as we had said and can meet with youngest in the afternoon. I'll be in touch next week in relation to confirming meeting place and time”

My reply to Edel from Gheel

“Hi Edel, re supports being put in place, we both attended a meeting with the lady educational psychologist who advised it would take a long time for any SNA to be employed for youngest. My youngest stopped going to school on Thursday 31st March, six weeks ago, before this he was coming home every day at lunch time and before attending this school he was at home for 2 whole years, not leaving the house unless with me. I have repeatedly told all that my biggest fear since this shock came out regards youngest is that I fear he will end up like his brother, it looks like that fear has now been realised the past 6 weeks, hence the extreme urgency with this assessment and the school. I cannot fault yourself or Deirdre but I am absolutely fuming that the report has been ready the past two weeks and just waiting to be signed off by Andy. To leave a mother waiting to find out exactly what is officially wrong with her child is downright cruel, especially since it occurred completely unexpectedly to me. Gheel as a service have been aware of my family situation regards my eldest since 2009. I clearly remember visiting the Health Manager Carol Doolan back then. I sent four begging texts to Martin and many calls desperate for help and advice as I was back then as I am now, doing this solo, I did not receive one response. I did inform Peter Byrne who declared that "it was not like Martin" and “to take it up with him” Why am I telling you all this? The delay with the report being signed has just reminded me that Gheel are a service and in my personal view not thinking of the people behind the case files. My kid is at home 24 hours a day like his brother unless I insist he comes out with me. The report has been ready for two weeks waiting for Andy to sign it. No amount of talking will change a thing, my kids are now men, both have a disability, not a mental illness, they both have huge IQ's, they can both now talk for themselves as me doing the talking has achieved nothing at all in 5 years. I will of course talk for them as and when they need me to”

15^th May

Youngest went shopping with me, out of the blue he said “I'm not going to meet Michael Mc Creadie any more, he's a stranger and it's stressing me out at the thought of meeting this stranger in a public place” I got into a panic, he had agreed to see this man, the man is flying over from another country to see him, youngest cannot keep doing this. Youngest said “you cannot force me to meet someone I do not want to meet, you cannot force me to do anything” I said “so you're the big man now are you talking to me like that, well you can contact Gheel yourself and tell them what you just told me so someone else can have the appointment then, in fact you can talk to them the way you talk to me, I'm giving you my permission to be rude to them like you're rude to me” Youngest said “I will not be letting them know anything, I just won't turn up” I'm fuming at him, he's acting like an idiot and it's about time he grew up and did things for himself instead of making bullets for me to fire for him and I get no bloody thanks at all, no appreciation at all for anything I do for him.

I ended up sending an email to Deirdre at Gheel myself to cancel youngests meeting, only out of respect for Michael Mc Creadie coming over from the UK.

Email to Deirdre from Gheel

“Youngest has just announced that he does not wish to meet with Michael Mc Creadie. His actual words were "he's a stranger, I do not want to meet a stranger and it's stressing me out that I have to meet him and in a public place, so I'm not" So he is refusing. Can you please contact youngest directly if you wish to discuss this with him. Thank you.

I told youngest that I was going to start walking on a regular basis to get me out and get me fit. He told me “you better not think for a minute that you’re dragging me out with you because I hate people, I hate society and I do not want or need to go out” I told him “you now have the support and services of an Autism agency, so talk to them about all that you hate. He replied “I do not need supports and services” FFS, only days ago and for weeks too he was roaring at me that Gheel getting him this assessment will help change his life because people will be made to “treat him according to his abilities and needs”

I feel like a volcano that is about to blow. Youngest is never off my back, he is never done moaning, he is like a cloud of doom circling my head constantly. Nothing is good enough for him, no one is good enough, no one is doing enough. I want to scream at him do it all for yourself then, grow a pair of balls, stand on your own two feet, go see what real life is all about. But I say nothing and just get more internally stressed and physically ill. He knows how much I love him and he uses that to his own advantage all the time.

16^th May - Another Email to Deirdre from Gheel

“I had a long conversation around youngests refusal to now meet with Michael Mc Creadie as it came as a bolt out of the blue on Sunday to me and he says that when he was asked to meet with him he only said yes out of politeness and then he did not know how to get out of it. He further said that he is “an autonomous human being who only wanted to find out if he had Aspergers and does not want any help/support, he only wants to get back into school and for the school harassment to stop and to be treated accordingly, wants to sit his Leaving Cert exams, wants to leave school and leave the country as soon as he has done so” He went on to tell me that he “has constant levels of anxiety outside of the house and it's caused by people so the less people in his life the better but he will discuss it with the family doctor” I am to ask you if the” family doctor and the school have received the assessment report ”

At 2pm, Deirdre from Gheel rang my land line, she said she got my email and wanted to talk to youngest. I handed youngest the phone. He told me she asked him “why have you cancelled the meeting with Michael Mc Creadie” even tho I'd sent her an email telling her exactly what my youngest had said about it. She asked him to “reconsider meeting Michael” he said “no” then said to me “why all the fucking pressure, I said no and I was only being polite by saying yes in the first place but no means no” I told him to give me the phone because this was sounding to me like a professional bullying him into doing what THEY wanted and I told Deirdre “enough now, he's made up his mind and told you no, so stop it” She said “it's a real shame because I think Michael would be able to help him” I said “when he decides he can contact Gheel directly because he's an adult of 18” She then accepted that.

When I got off the phone, youngest was going fucking nuts “about Deirdre harassing me” I told him “you should never say yes to anything just to appease someone but I do understand their view point because they have gone to a great deal of trouble and the man is flying over from the UK” I said “lets go over what you do want and need so that there's a clear record of it and no one can be mistaken from now on.

He sat on the couch next to me and I wrote down what he said

“I will go back to school if there is a cease of the harassment and I'm treated according to my needs and not to be grouped in with the others"

“I want to leave when I need to leave, I know that I have to follow the rules but when my stress levels get too high the only thing I have in my head is to get away"

“I want the correct medication for my anxiety because even going to the shop now makes me anxious, the thought of going into school makes my anxiety levels huge, I am an autonomous human being and only wanted to find out if I had Aspergers, I do not want help, I just want to go to school, finish my education, leave school then leave the country”

At 4.20pm I got an email from Deirdre of Gheel

“Hi, Ms. K in the school phoned me back. She had a meeting on Thursday evening with Michael and the educational psychologist Georgie about how to support youngest in his return to school. Michael is eager to directly discuss this with youngest and Ms. K suggested making an appointment to do so. Regarding the meeting with Michael McCreadie on Friday I suggest that youngest reconsiders, I can accompany Michael, we can change the venue, youngest could speak to him in advance. Michael is especially good at working with young people so I would really encourage him to consider meeting with him, particularly as he is unlikely to approach the school psychologists for support”

I told youngest about Deirdre's email and he went mad then said “I want nothing to do with Gheel now, they're obviously not listening to me, they are cunts”

17^th May

School Meeting with Ms K and the Principal.

Youngest was asked “what are your pressure points” youngest replied “harassment from the pupils and the staff” We were told “it's too late to get an SNA now and we don't think you actually need one anyway” Ms K said “I know about the meeting you have refused to attend with Michael Mc Creadie on Friday, can you not just give it a try” (I was furious, it means Gheel are talking to the school about things that do not concern them at all, my youngest is 18 and his permission has not been sought to discus anything other than his educational needs) my youngest replied “I do not need any organisation helping me” Next on the agenda was pushing my youngest to meet with the school psychologist to learn coping strategies, he was told “try him once and if you do not like it then you do not go back, simple as that” youngest said “okay I will do it once if it will shut you up going on about it because you obviously don't want to listen to what I say or what I want” Ms K then said “at the last meeting I had with Deirdre and Edel from Gheel  (Edel kept that quiet because she didn't mention she was at the school to me) they told me that you getting called out of the class upsets you” youngest said “it's embarrassing” she said “I will not do that any more then”

The Principal told youngest “Gheel have offered you a support group meet up with others with Aspergers so why are you not going” youngest said “because I don't want to go and I've already said I don't want any organisation's help, in other words forced to do what I don't want to do” The Principal then asked him “what exactly do you need to improve to get thru life” youngest said “social skills I suppose” The Principal said “it needs practice not dependence, try things once, you're busy saying you don't want to be labelled but you're the first to label yourself more than anyone else and you would not be at the highest level of Aspergers anyway, I asked them (Deirdre and Edel from Gheel) and they told me he is likely but not very likely and you are not highly likely”

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!!!

I lost it after the Principal said that. I told him “that is utter nonsense, it's like saying someone is a little bit pregnant or only has cancer a little bit and you need to get your facts straight, what chance does my son have with anyone in this school with that attitude” I said “you either have Autism or you don't and my youngest does” The Principal said “I put a lot of time and energy into asking questions about his diagnosis” I said “well you heard wrong then” He asked my youngest “who do you trust” youngest said “my family but I do not trust professionals, psychologist or teachers” The Principal said “if you expand you might find other people to trust” youngest said “trust has to be earned and not expected”  I'd heard enough and said “we're going home” and I stood up. I was fucking fuming about his words of “likely but not very likely” what the fuck is going on with Gheel, they told me very little about meeting the school and I didn't even know that Edel was there and she's my supposed key SUPPORT worker. My youngest has no chance of being treated according to his needs that he keeps spouting on about with this attitude at this school. God I'm raging and about fit to lose my temper with Gheel and tell them exactly what I think of them. Neither youngest nor I have seen the official signed off report yet but here are Gheel and the school discussing it. Deirdre told me that youngest has Aspergers yet apparently she has told the school something different according to the Principal. What the fuck is going on.

I sent a text to Edel and an email to Deirdre.

18^th May

I'm having a crap time with my solicitor so I emailed her: “Hi M, can you please forward me all and any correspondence sent to my ex or his divorce solicitor since my divorce application was lodged in April 2010, can you please do the same for all and any correspondence received from him and his solicitor in response to your requests. I have still received nothing returned from F including the HSE letter regarding my ex. I am writing to his brother informing him that I am calling him as a witness for divorce to prove my ex has consistently lied regards the money he has received from selling his  share of the London property. I was forced to stop divorce proceedings in the UK in 2006 and still I'm getting no where, so I am going to find out why and take it further by complaint, my first step is the Law Society, which is why I need all correspondence, they will advise what I can do and hopefully my ex can be halted and so presumably his solicitor in holding up my divorce proceedings”

Eldest didn't get up till 11.30am, that's very late for him. He's fed up because his weight's not going down fast enough for him, he wants to cut out the yoghurt’s and he was going to take 5 Lyrica pills at the same time. I said “don't be ridiculous playing fast and loose with your health” but he will not listen and it means I cannot go out of the house in case he has a bad reaction to the medication. I'm sick of being on such a tight leash because of him and his bloody shenanigans.

Deirdre from Gheel rang me at 1.15pm, she said “I want to persuade him to change his mind about meeting Michael Mc Creadie” I reminded her “he has said no umpteen times now and he needs to be left alone because only I get the bloody back lash and anyway he's still at school” She asked “does he have Skype” I said “not that I know of” I told her of my fury at the Principal saying youngest is “not likely to have Aspergers” she sounded frustrated about this, she actually sighed loudly. I asked her “when are we likely to get the signed report of youngests assessment and official diagnosis” she said “Andy told me he would send it to me tonight because we're all busy with something new” I asked her again “so when will we get the report” she replied in a short clipped manner “you will get it when I get it” I wasn't having that from her, the cheeky bitch. I said “excuse me, do not speak to me like that and while you're on the phone why are you having meetings with the school about my son's assessment and diagnosis when we haven't yet got it” I heard her talking to someone else in the room with her and she said “I have to go, I will phone Andy McDonnell tomorrow evening”  The staff at Gheel Autism (jack shit) services are a fucking disgrace.

When youngest came home I told him about Deirdre from Gheel ringing and asking to speak to him, he wasn't happy and said “how many fucking times do I have to tell them, they are taking the piss, this is now harassment” He then said “I think the Lyrica are working because I didn't feel anxious once in school, I didn't have a panic attack but all the other pupils are ignoring me as usual and the teachers are now talking to me like I'm a retard” I told him “you're probably just ultra sensitive, just keep your head down and cope as best you can”

19^th May

Youngest is in very grumpy mood, he told me “you are treating me like a fucking retard” All because I instinctively brushed cat hairs off his trousers with my hand. I asked him “is that your new word of the week, it's getting very boring hearing it” he told me “fuck off” and slammed the door going out of it. Twat.

Eldest has increased his intake of Lyrica to 4 per day after telling me “they're doing fuck all for me” I told him “check out if it's safe to self medicate and get to the GP” he called me “an ignorant bitch” why I'm an ignorant bitch I have no idea and I've no bloody intention of finding out either. I'm fucking sick of the pair of them. They are grown men acting like kids and bullies to their own mother.

I drafted a letter to Gheel and the HSE:

• I do not consider two letters sent in one year to my eldest constitutes support and services.
• I do not feel one meeting per month in a public place discussing highly personal and upsetting to me topics to be support.
• I do not feel that being told my son's Diagnostic Report is ready and will be with me on a certain date and then does not arrive and then having my emails regards this ignored to be at all professional.
• I do not think that my son's refusal to meet with Michael Mc Creadie constitutes continued pressure from Gheel for him to reverse his stance helpful.
• I do not feel that Gheel are showing respect to my son, your now Service User and nor me, the parent.

I rang S, the Advocate about all this, she said “youngest is an adult, if he says no it has to be respected, he can ask them at a later date if he changes his mind, he cannot be forced nor should any pressure be put on him to do what he's refusing to do re meeting Michael Mc Creadie” 

I'm glad I spoke to S. I love that down to earth, kind and helpful girl.

I went out walking to meet my youngest from school. When I met him he said “I saw the school Psych just to shut them all up and it was the most uncomfortable experience I ever felt in my life and I won't ever be seeing him again because it's all psychological bullshit” 

He said “I was asked by him what my first memory was, I told him, trying to get a piece of Lego that dropped behind the sideboard when I was age 4, I was asked by him if this was the headlines of a newspaper what would the heading be, I told him slow news day”  that made me laugh because that would have been my response. He said “not once was I told about any coping strategies, it's a waste of time and that psych is the weirdest man I have ever met and something is not normal about him” I disagree about that. Yes V is the weirdest man I have met to date but by god I have met many a weird man yet I do feel V has his heart in the right place but I do feel he has got more than used to people tugging their forelock to him so he feels he is very important.

I'm not at all pleased, all that pushing of my youngest to see that man by the school and he didn't take the opportunity to do what they all asked youngest to do, learn coping strategies, what a waste of time, that man should be put out to grass. Why didn't he not help youngest re the bullies, the mental warfare he said he's been experiencing and his isolation where no one speaks to him in the school, it's appalling that man failed him, he totally fucked this up, psycho babble should not have taken place at all, no wonder my youngest doesn't trust any of them, not one of them sticks to their word at all and now he will never see the man again, the idiots. I've lost count of how many times the Principal told us “how expensive the psych is and needs to be used by youngest” What a waste of school funds, those funds would be better spent on someone roaring at the bullies what they are doing to another pupils very spirit and that they have to stop the bullying.

Deirdre from Gheel rang me as we were walking home, She said “I've sent the report to you and there will be no surprises or shocks in it and I will be out to see you next week to see what you both think and see if you have any questions about it”

Me and youngest ran home and read it together on the couch, half of it we didn't understand at all. We now believe the school have indeed seen the full report despite me telling Deirdre from Gheel that they weren't allowed to because youngest didn't want them to, because it said on the report how “youngest needs to keep drinking water” and the Principal mentioned this at the meeting when we were at the school and the Principal wouldn't know anything about the amount of water youngest drinks because he takes in his own water. It also does indeed say “youngest is likely to have Aspergers”

Deidre of Gheel rang me and I read out a list of questions we had about her report. She said “put it all in an email to me and then she replied to me “no, the school didn't get to see the full report as you requested they did not see it” I don't believe a word she's saying.  I asked her outright “does my youngest have Aspergers” she said “yes and we only write likely, because he doesn't have the huge numbers of maladaptive routines, fixations or rigidity, so he wouldn't be as bad as others would be” 
I said “I want it in black and white with a simple sentence of clarification that my youngest has Aspergers Syndrome because the Principal said and I quote “he only has it mild and can cope” and I want the sentence removed regarding my brother who I wasn't raised with and I don't know him and I only mentioned it to you in conversation and certainly not as part of any family history or assessment.

I had heard 3rd hand from my half sister who has never met my brother, that she'd heard my brother was a drug addict but it hadn't been confirmed” Deirdre said “people with Aspergers can take substances to help them cope with their difficulties” I said “I'm astonished you're diagnosing my brother as possibly having Aspergers Syndrome, my brother was horrifically abused by Christian Brothers in a care home as a very young child and none of my family have ever had any kind of Autism so it's just ridiculous that you would even mention my brother in my youngest son's report” She said “I will change the wording” I don't believe a word of what she just said. She is one strange woman. I believe she has huge social issues of her own in my personal opinion.

20^th May

Edel from Gheel rang me. She said “we've only been meeting in a public place because I didn't want to encroach on your personal space” (but she doesn't mind my personal feelings and angst being held in a public space) that one has an answer for everything. She said “I would love to meet eldest” WHAT? why would she think for a second she will be meeting my eldest. It will never happen unless my eldest wants it to and I told her so. Perhaps she doesn't believe my son is in his bedroom alone 90% of the day, perhaps she thinks I've been making all this up the past 5 years. She said “I would like to come to the house on Friday when L (my court escort) is out to see you” I reckon this one has her own agenda and I'm always proved right when it comes to my gut.

Thinking about Edel from Gheel. I feel they're of no use at all, they just keep trying to put a plaster over a broken bone. There is no real help, support or services at all. I told my youngest “I feel like telling them to fuck off because they're stressing me out now” he told me “wait till I am finished with them” FFS

20^th May

Eldest told me “I'm taking no more Lyrica” I said “don't just quit them, you need to wean yourself off them because look what happened when you quit the Xanax, the fall out from doing that” He said “I am angry” so I walked away because I wasn't hanging around for any of his explosions towards me. He said “fuck off, you know nothing, you know fuck all so just fuck off” I felt like roaring back at him, that was a lot of fuck's in one sentence and I had already fucked off when I walked away from him after he warned me he was angry but I said nothing but I bloody wanted to tho. He is a cretin when he wants to be.

21^st May

College day.  T came to visit with her daughter last night, she makes everything around feel lighter and brighter. She ran me to the college and said she would pick me up later, she took youngest out to an indoor market and “bought him a sandwich but he wouldn't eat it because there was sauce in it”  T said “I was mad as hell at him because he wouldn't take it back to the counter and it cost me money that I cannot afford and I hate waste”

22^nd May

T went home. I felt woozy in my head, I was up late studying last night and had to go back to bed and have a lie down. Youngest went to the local shop for me, he told me I looked ill, I said it's probably just a cold coming on. He sat on couch with me and hugged me till his arm went dead. Eldest got me all episodes of The Good Wife to watch on my lap top in bed, I love it. I kept sleeping on and off. I really feel poorly.

23^rd May

I don't feel any better at all, I tossed and turned all night long, I feel so tired. Youngest told me “I'm taking two Lyrica because taking one is not having any effect at all any more” I told him “tell the doctor this and don't be doing an eldest with medication” he called me “a cunt” for no damn reason at all. I hate this side of him, I really hate it and it's not fair. He knows I'm feeling ill, he told me I look ill and he still talks to me like that. I detest him when he's like this.

At 12.28pm youngest rang me from school asking “can I go into town to hear O'Bama's speech. I said “you can do what you like because you're an adult” He then asked “can I come home first” I've no idea why he was asking for permission, he came home at 1pm. I gave him my cash card and a small shopping list because I'm bouncing off the walls with tiredness and feeling ill. He ended up not going to town “because I never got any text telling me where to meet two people” I told him to text them but he refused to text them.

I did nothing all day, I lay down for nap, I got up, I lay down for a nap. I cannot figure out what is wrong with me at all, it's like all my energy is gone, I just about managed to make the boys dinner then went to bed again. I am wiped out.

24^th May

Youngest rang me at 12.30pm, he was upset and told me “I ordered my sandwich in the morning from the canteen but it wasn't there when I went to get it at lunch time” he said “I'm not going without food, I'm pissed off so I'm coming home” He said  “the Principal is pissing me off too because when I went to my locker the Principal came up to me and said he wanted me to continue seeing the school psych, I told him no and I only went to see the psych once for everybody else’s benefit and didn't find it helpful so I'm not going to see him again, The Principal would not take no for an answer (as per usual) and said it's to help you focus, I told him focus is something I already have because I know what I want to do with my life, I have my life mapped out”  The Principal told him “the assessment states you are a very talented individual who needs to be challenged and forced to interact with people more” (that made me furious) youngest told him “forcing me to interact with people will only make me feel worse and is against my human rights and it will not do me any good”  Whilst youngest was telling me all this I was raging at that Principal.  I told youngest “I will get that man off your back” and “I think the principal is making up his own interpretation of the diagnostic report but I will sort it” These people have not a clue as to how what they say to youngest is then impacted on me. They have been told by me but they just do not care.

I wrote to the Principal. I'm still raging about him badgering youngest. I know they are trying to help but they are not helping at all.

Email to Principal:

Dear Principal. Re your conversation with my youngest today. He does not wish to meet with the Psychologist again, he did not find the session of any use to him personally, he gave in to prior repeated requests to get everyone off his back and has made the decision that this service is not for him so I would be grateful if you would no longer tell him that you think it’s best for him to see the Psychologist. You apparently also told him that his assessment states that he is a tremendously talented individual that needs to be challenged and forced to interact with people more. My youngest replied that forcing him to interact with people will make him worse and do no good at all. Firstly, when I asked you if you had been given a copy of the assessment, you told me no and now you have quoted a fair bit of it so far. Secondly, no one will force my son to do anything that he does not feel comfortable with or that he has chosen not to do especially when he has tried and only did so to please other people. Thirdly, my youngest has a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, he is not as you said at the meeting “only likely to have it, it’s only mild and it’s not so bad”  My youngest has Aspergers Syndrome which is a form of Autism, it sits on the Autism Spectrum as defined by the DSMIV. People with Aspergers Syndrome lack the ability to interpret facial expressions, tones of voice, body language, subtle social cues and to make and maintain friendships. With Aspergers Syndrome there are varying ranges of anxieties, social and otherwise which my youngest is experiencing in school and seeing our doctor himself about this. The above description did not come from any website or professional but from my eldest son who also has Aspergers Syndrome so he would be a bit of an expert in describing what he has and how it affects him and his brother. I am not at all happy with the words force being used nor the nagging that has been going on, my son only wants an education, nothing more, can he just be left alone to learn now please. Thank you”

Eldest asked me if he could “bake a cake” I helped him. It would have sunk the Titanic it was that heavy but we had a good laugh making it.

24^th May

T rang, she wants to come up for the Bank Holiday with her new boyfriend for him to meet her “Mam” I told her I would be a bit concerned about eldest not feeling safe to come out of his room with a stranger in the house but I would talk to him about it. I did, he asked “why are you asking me when you know I don't want to see anyone or be seen by anyone” I left and walked down stairs and cried at my feeling of helplessness, I don't know how to help him, I don't know how to help myself and I really want T's company. I need adult and friendly company for me especially on a Bank Holiday as I hate them when I'm alone and I'm always alone.

Youngest asked me what was wrong with me and I told him that I would have loved to have T's company on a Bank Holiday weekend and he knows how much I hate long weekends but I also know that it's not fair on eldest either because it will mean if T brings her boyfriend then eldest will not come out of his room at all to even use the toilet and I will be on edge for him the whole weekend and he stopped taking his Lyrica medication on Sunday. Youngest said “tell them they cannot come then”

I had to ring T and apologise, she said not to worry about it, she just thought it would do me the world of good and said I need to stop letting the boys control me. I know I do but I have no back up to help me to do so.

Got 81% on my TMA 7 for Open University. I am shocked about that.

25^th May

Could not sleep again last night, I ended up coming down stairs at 4.30am and going back to bed at 7.30am. I don't know what is wrong with me.

26^th May

I took a sleeping tablet so had a great sleep at last. Youngest has exams from now till Monday. He rang me as he was walking to school, he said he had bad burning pains in his calf so he was coming back home, which means he's missing doing the exams, shit. The GP is off so he had to see his stand in, a very nice man who told him that he has Fibrositis and gave him a prescription for painkillers.

27^th May

Both L, my court support and Edel from Gheel were at the house this morning. When Edel went to the loo I told L "I'm still not happy with Gheel as a service"  I went to the toilet myself and when I came out I said I had to go shopping and was going for the bus. Edel offered me a lift, she said she was going that way then spent 20 minutes driving round in circles saying she was lost despite having Sat Nav in the car. I know it was just a ruse to get me to talk to her and I told her why I was pissed off at her and my experiences of Gheel going back to 2009, it did help clear the air a little but I still believe that me putting it in writing would warrant a response in writing back from them.

I told youngest I would meet him at 3pm outside the doctors for his appointment so asked him to get the bus from school. There was no sign of him as I stood outside the doctors, he didn't answer his phone or reply to any of my texts and I went into lala land convinced something bad had happened to him at school. He eventually rang me and told me he was in an exam and that I had got the time for his appointment wrong. I hadn't got any appointment time wrong because I set an alarm on my phone to remind me. He arrived very late and we had to wait for over an hour to see the doctor. Whilst there I gave the receptionist his Diagnostic Report to photocopy but it couldn't be done because they had run out of copier paper. The doctor gave youngest Xanax to help him thru his school exams. I had deja vu because I have been here before with Eldest when he sat his exams.

I went to bed after I made the dinner, all my limbs feel heavy. I wish I could shake whatever this is off me.

Youngest came into my room and lay on my bed next to me and told me “a girl in school gave me a lift, there were lots of people in the car too and I was the only one who put on a seat belt so the girl driving started swerving all over the place to frighten them all” I told him “never do anything so stupid like that ever again, if anything had happened I would not have believed you would have been in anyone's car because I wouldn't have known anything about it” He said “they were sound to me but I'm not stupid because I know how quick people can change because it always happens to me” I am horrified at him just jumping in someone's car like that.

27^th May

Youngest rang me from school. He said “I was sitting for first break outside the reception area when some woman walked in stinking of booze to register her son to start at the school, the boy with her for no reason called me a fucking geek but Mrs H overheard him and came out and told me to go and tell someone what's just been said because this new kid might be shit scared about starting a new school and want to quickly make a name for himself, she said no doubt the kid would remember you the next time he saw you and Christ knows what would happen” All I could think was what has the fucking world come to, instead of that new boy having a strip torn out of him by staff immediately to nip any future behaviour in the bud my son is told to go and tell someone. What a joke. My son was sitting in the reception area to feel safe in the first place, so much for him being told at a meeting that he could sit in the Principals office, they are a joke up there.

28^th May

I have a stinking head cold, every orifice I have is streaming, I feel like total crap, I look awful. I didn't get dressed or go out the whole weekend, I'm not ft to do it.

30^th May

I went to the Court to get a Legal Aid Cert, I was told “new rules means no one can apply for two certs in a 12 month period” It's not my fault that evil bastard ex keeps summoning me to court then doesn't show up then re applies for another summons when things go against him. I sent the solicitor a text. She rang me at 6.15pm and told me “you're covered anyway because it's an adjournment and not a new case” she could have bloody told me before now and saved me the hassle. I feel like crap. I want to fucking escape all of this.

4^th June

Had a missed call on my land line.  I recognised the code, it was from the tiny village my ex lives in, no chance was that a coincidence, yet he does not have my land line number. It was followed by a text from the ex's phone “ran out of petrol, do you want a Western Union instead” Do I hell want that, he's just fishing for my address. I sent it to the solicitor, she advised “change your number and inform the Garda”

I had my bathroom floor done and the hall and living room is now laminated, it cost me €500 but it makes the house look so much better. A man came out to measure eldests window to get him a mozzy blind so he can open his window and nothing flying or buzzing will get into his room. I'd previously asked Edel from Gheel if she knew who could do it and she gave me this man's number, she said that's who Gheel use. He told me the cost would be €125 but when it came to paying he said €150 because he'd not originally included tax. What a rip off.

I got the respite grant which paid for my flooring then I gave my youngest €200 and bought eldest clothes and all my bills are to date. Me and youngest went to Ikea.

7^th June

I got myself a puppy from a farm in another County. The bloke was driving up to Dublin to take his sister to the airport so he met me on my street at 7am. She's so gorgeous but very shy and timid. Eldest came down to see her then told me “you're mad to get a dog” I told him “it's company for me and I hate walking on my own”

8^th June

I took a copy of my youngests Diagnosis report up to my GP.  I told him “I feel awful” He said “it's stress” I told him “you're nuts if you cannot see every orifice of mine streaming with mucus and my eyes so swollen because they will not stop streaming either”

Edel from Gheel asked if my youngest wanted to meet Michael McCreadie. When I told youngest what Edel had said his reply was “no and tell those cunts to leave me alone” because he doesn't have the balls to tell Gheel himself.

9^th June

The mozzy screen for eldests window arrived. I didn't know we had to fit it ourselves, and at that bloody price it should have been gold plated. Youngest fitted it but had to scrape some plaster off the wall to make it fit, so much for made to measure. It means eldest can now open his window with no fear so his room won't feel like an oven now and make him dog tired and miserable with the heat. He asked me “why have you done this for me” I was puzzled at that strange question, I told him “because I bloody well love you you daft thing and because you need it” No reply from him. I'm finding it hard being a mum nowadays, it was so much easier before I knew about Aspergers, I think before any label was given to them I was fine, I could talk and retaliate verbally but now all I try do is bite my tongue which is so not me and so my health suffers. My own kids who I gave birth to are like strangers to me, the kids I had disappeared. I want a normal life for them and for me.

Me and youngest took puppy out to local shop, the poor thing was spooked at all the noises. One cat is scarred for life but the other cat is stalking puppy and swiping the poor thing at every opportunity.

Eldest told me “I'm not talking to you” he gave me no explanation why. I couldn't care less.

I have studied as much as I can given how ill I feel.

10^th June

A man came to put blinds up at the window in the living room,  he told me “I got the rest of the window blinds made up for you for when you can buy them” I told him “you shouldn't have done that because god knows when I'll next have money” He asked me “do you want me to make out the receipt for more than you paid” I asked “why on earth would I want that” he said “lots of lone parents do it and get the Social Welfare to help” I was shocked at that. I told him “I'm straight as a dye and is there a huge sign on my forehead that says lone parent” he apologised. How would he know my personal circumstances, the cheeky fucker. The living room is nice and starting to take shape now.

11^th June

In town with youngest. I bought him new converse shoes for €55. I bought a drill in Argos but it didn't come with drill bits but I didn't know that till I got home so I had to buy them from the hardware shop locally. I put up the new mirror from Ikea but it's all wonky and I have destroyed the wall. Eldest was laughing his head of at the state of it.

I had a dream that I failed my exams, god I do hope that doesn't come true.

20^th June

T is here for the weekend. She is fabulous company and we do nothing but laugh our heads off.

Eldest hasn't spoken to me for 11 days but he woke me up at 6am by coming into my room shouting that he had chest pains. He called me every name under the sun and was shouting “you do not give a shit about me”  T said “Mam I'm taking you away from this house today, I don't know how you can put up with him, I would box him if he was my son, he will not ever be happy and you will only end up demented by them both and I think that will happen soon” she was begging me to go home with her and just leave them to it, she said “the HSE will have to get their fingers out and replace you” Eldest was now crying in pain so I gave him two paracetamol and two anti inflammatory tablets but they didn't work so I rang D Doc. I had to go thru the usual drill of why eldest couldn't go in person to wherever they hold their clinics at the weekends. A nurse rang me back and questioned me some more, she could hear eldest howling in pain in the background. Eventually she said that the doctor would be out to us shortly.

The doctor who last saw my eldest at our old address came out.  He's a young man and he remembered my eldest. He gave him an anti spasmodic injection, he said he thought it might be “his large intestine going into spasms” he also left a prescription. T got up to take me to find a chemist but there's not many open on a Sunday. Eldest then started projectile vomiting. I felt so sorry for him, then his other end started too so it must have been a bad reaction to the injection he just had. I have never seen anyone, except in a hospital, being sick like that. I knew he was scared, he told me to “hurry and get me the prescription” I jumped into T's car and thanked god she was here because if I had to depend on buses on a Sunday god knows how long it would have taken me.

T drove me up to the shopping centre to see if the chemist was open, it wasn't, someone told me if we go down to where Gheel are I would find one there, we didn't see any chemist there.

I kept ringing youngest for updates on eldest. He told me “get back home right away because eldest wants to go to hospital now” I knew eldest had to be feeling really bad to want that.

We headed back to the house and I rang the hospital and explained his severe agoraphobia problems and his Autism and told them he would not be the most patient of people and the lady on phone said she would tell the nurse in triage that we were on our way and told me “at the moment it's not too busy”

We collected eldest and youngest and I grabbed a basin because eldest was still being as sick as a dog, thankfully he wasn't sick T's car. When we got to casualty eldest just sat down on the waiting room floor with the basin in his hands and he was writhing in pain and shouting “I want to die” because the pain was so bad and too much for him. He started shouting at me very loudly “do something”

I went up to the receptionist again and apologised for annoying her and said “I'm getting the head taken of me by my son verbally and I might have my own meltdown here right in front of you because I'm ready for bolting if he blows with rage at me. I'm not hanging around for it” she laughed and told me she will go see the nurse again and after a few minutes eldest was called in for an initial assessment.

He was seen by the Triage Nurse and again he was vomiting everywhere, she gave him an injection for his pain but it didn't work and he crushed my hand as the needle went in him and he was almost roaring with the pain, he was then given tablets but he threw them up and was put on fluids and given a stomach smoothing injection too, I'd never heard of that before but again it didn't work and he was roaring and cursing that “no one is helping me” I told the nurse “I will be running away because I'm not fit for him when he's in this state” and I decided I was whispering no more and told the staff about his condition and why he's like he is. I told them “he's not left whatever house we've lived in for 5 years and 2 months” Eldest said "it's you and only you that's getting stressed out" There was not a mention of all the names he called me this morning, this boy of mine has a face for everyone. I threatened to call T in to us because she heard all he said to me and she knows what he's really like.

He said “I'm fine being out and I want to go out and finish my education, it's only when I think about it at home that my panic kicks off and that's what stops me from leaving the house” I told him “there are people out there who are just waiting to help you” and asked him “do you want me to contact them” he said “yes” I was thrilled to bits about that.

T came to find me, she said she had to leave as she needed to go and collect her child to go home. I gave youngest my cash card and told him to go with T and give her petrol money because she'd driven all over the place with me this morning looking for a chemist, she said she would then drop youngest back at the house but they appeared back at the hospital because youngest couldn't find his house key.

I asked youngest to come and sit with me but he said “no because I hate and detest hospitals” that's another new one for my youngest. He then said “I don't want to be here” so I told him “walk home then” I didn't need any crap from youngest. I've had non stop crap since 6am this morning from eldest when he was slagging me off and those were his first words to me in 11 days. Youngest stayed sitting in the waiting area.

Eldest had a chest and a stomach x ray. All was clear, a nurse tried to take gas exchange blood from an artery in his wrist but she couldn't do it. I noticed his drip was not working and had to get a nurse to fix it, when she did she sped it up. A registrar came to see him and said “he's a mystery and it must be due to the diet he's been on” I said “eldest would never normally complain about pain so it has to be bad for him to need to leave the house to come to hospital” Eldest was given Pethidine and it's the only thing that worked for him. It was now 6pm and we were still in the hospital. The registrar said “the only cause for concern are the crystals in his urine because this can lead to stones but you can go home now”

We got a taxi home at 6.45pm. Eldest was sick again but went to bed and took the bucket with him. I carried up some drinking water for him and went to bed myself at 8pm. I felt so sorry for eldest and sorry for my youngest too having to be in the hospital waiting area for hours and so sorry for my poor puppy left home alone all day.

20^th June

Declan Sweeney the Director of Re Connect Autism came to the house at 11am, he explained his service to me and it sounded perfect, it could maybe save my almost broken in pieces relationship with my sons. I gave eldest one of his leaflets, I told him “this would be a better service than Gheel who want to “take mum out of the picture” and let us babysit you attitude” I told Declan I would contact the HSE.

I rang the HSE. I was put thru to Disability, no manager was there so I left a message with a woman detailing who I was, what I'm supposed to get in the way of family services but don't “so I'm taking matters into my own hands and I want you to contact Declan Sweeney and provide us with his service instead” I was asked by the woman “do you have the correct office for your area” I sighed very loudly because this is the first thing they always ask when you ring them, they must be reading from a fecking script. I then got told “the message will be passed on” I heard nothing back from anyone. I'm still raging at Gheels CEO Peter Byrne telling me “the only route to eldest is by removing you” I felt like telling him to hire a hit man then, the silly fucker.

I sent Edel of Gheel a text telling her “eldest has been ill and was in casualty for 8 hours” she replied “I will phone you in the week” It seems like my key support does not think I need support and she didn't even enquire why eldest had been in hospital. They do not give a bollix at all, do they.

Email to the solicitor. “I still have no maintenance paid to me and I'm still waiting on my documents from F and I'm sick of asking for them”

Eldest is no longer sick but he's down in the dumps and he's definitely in a bad mood about something.

21^st June

It's the first day of summer and it's pissing down with rain.

I'm raging about Edel of Gheel. My son spent all those hours in casualty with chest pains and non sop vomiting and had to go to a hospital after not voluntary leaving the house in 5 years and after I informed her, she told me she would phone me in the week. I want it in black and white what service we are supposed to be receiving because this is not on. Crisis support my arse. Eldest does not need a PA to replace me as a baby sitter or someone to run around for him, he needs practical help, supports and services as said by Dr Amitta Shah, he needs professional help to rejoin the outside world again.

I told eldest this morning “Gheel do not give a shit so we had better start researching ourselves what options there are to help you out of this way of life” He said “okay” It's only when I talk tough that he listens to me and knows that I mean business.

The solicitor rang to tell me yet again she cannot make it to court with me and neither can F so she's sending a woman called J. I was told J is the same height as the solicitor and blonde. FFS. I asked her “why are you sending a stranger when you're my solicitor” she said “I've sent your history to J so she'll be up to speed with your case” Is that even legal for her to do that when she didn't ask for my consent about it. I'm not happy about this at all, it also means I now have to get my court file out and do another one for this woman I've never met and just hope that she gets the time to read it. I have no fucking luck at all in my life. It's one thing after another.

22^nd June Court.

I was awake at 5am. I woke youngest up at 7am and we left to catch the 8.30am bus. It was pouring down with rain. I was feeling nervous for some reason and got an attack of Neuralgia down the right side of my head, face and ear. I met up with L inside the court and she pointed out “the happy couple” as she called them so I knew where they were sitting and they both looked miserable and had no posse with them today. There was no sign of any solicitor looking for me so I sent my solicitor a text, she replied “J is in there somewhere” which was no help to me at all.

At the call over I had to go upstairs to the court room alone.

I then had a tap on my shoulder asking “are you A” a nice girl was standing in front of me that I found out was J and I handed her the new file I made for her and asked her to read it before I went into court in front of the judge. We were all like sardines in that waiting area because the place was packed with people. J told me “I have two other clients and have to run off to see them”

As she walked away I noticed where the ex was and he was staring at me, I found that weird. We were 5^th in line to be seen in the court room so I waited in the foyer and as soon as my name was called and we went into court my solicitor J asked the judge for 5 more minutes because “I've not spoken to the other side yet” so out we trotted again. Both solicitors walked off to talk to each other.

I stood against the wall and the ex was crouched down in front of me but to the left of me and started going thru a Tesco carrier bag he had with him then he started writing, he stood up and approached me and asked “can I talk to you” I told him “ you're 6 years too late but work away if you must” He showed me an A4 piece of paper that had my writing on under the heading of £151,000 inheritance he'd got, he asked me “is that your writing, do you recognise this” I said “yes, but I also recognise your writing and you have changed all the figures, I can clearly see you have written on top of my figures” He said “I have all the receipts” I said “fantastic, just show them to the judge when we go back into the court” He ignored that and said “you spent £24,000 on Xmas and flights in one year alone” I said “you're madder than you look and how the hell did I get access to £1 never mind the bullshit sum you've just come up with when I'd no bank account and no access to any money” He said “there is no money” I said “I don't care but what I do care about is you proving that statement you just came out with because there was money and plenty of it so we shall just leave it to the courts to find out where it all went to then shall we” He went quiet. I asked him “how could you see your own flesh and blood in this court and not even acknowledge youngest, you just walked past him, what father walks past his own son” he said “well he does not talk to me” I asked him “what age are you and why do you think youngest doesn't want to speak to you, do you really want me to remind you here and now what you did to both your sons” He said “I tried to talk to youngest before and he ignored me” I said “you offered him a biscuit and youngest told me and said who am I the bloody dog” The ex started laughing, I said “it's not funny is it” He again said “there's no money” I replied “that’s a pity because €690,000 has gone thru your numerous bank accounts and you left us with nothing” he said “that's rubbish” I said “oh I can prove it, I never open my mouth unless I can prove what I say is true so you need to disprove it by providing your own documents to dispute what I say and I do provide” He looked confused at that.

He said “my last solicitor charged me €10,000” I said “yeah right, for 3 court cases, pull the other one, you surely haven't forgot or believe your own lies because I know it was spent on the Save Tara Hill campaign you're heavily involved in, I have all the photo's and what you wrote online so I can prove it” 

He then put on his sick voice (ughh) and told me “I’ve lost 4 stone” I reminded him “you told the court the last time that it was 3 stone” I said “you really should remember all your lies” He said “it's true I cannot afford to feed myself” I told him “get back into the family home then because the €1,000 you spent on Organic food is still in the house in a large box so you have no need to go hungry and your girlfriend should be careful what she puts online because she has a photo which shows the date clearly on it of your dinner and a bottle of wine on the table and have you forgot you said the same thing on the 16^th Oct 2008 when you took me to court and said you couldn't afford to feed yourself and lo and behold you were a busy bee spending €75,000, yet you swore on the bible you had nothing, it's funny that you also forgot I have a photographic memory for all this shit” He said “I also had a very large tax bill” I said “you have used that old excuse for as long as I've known you and it's rather stale now so please make up something else just to halt the boredom for me, all you have to do is provide the judge with your last tax bill or the address of your tax office as it will be easy enough to check out” I asked him “how come you have all these so called receipts when I don't have any copies” then asked him “why were the kids stuff and my clothes dumped outside the family home to be left to the elements to be destroyed” He said “you managed to take the TV” I said “I had to sell the bloody TV to feed us because you would not pay maintenance” He changed the subject, (he's not that mad then) he said “A.K the tenant you got kicked out and you really upset her, thought the black sacks were rubbish and threw them out” I didn't believe a word of it, I know it was him that did it and he always denied any knowledge up till now. I even had a solicitors letter from him claiming he knew nothing about any black sacks belonging to us. I said “I hope you've saved all of A.K's rent payment receipts too because I'm entitled to half of all you received from her” He started shouting at me “Your entitled to nothing and you will get nothing, how dare you keep trying to get anything when I have nothing” I was getting embarrassed because there were many other couples waiting to go into court listening to him shouting at me. I saw a figure come rushing up and he was grabbed by the arm by his solicitor away from me. She told him “stay away from your wife, what do you think you are doing, you are not helping your case at all”

J my solicitor for the day came up to me and apologised and asked if I was okay, I said yes and she asked me to follow her to somewhere quieter. She told me “his solicitor is claiming all the money is gone” I told her “he stood and swore the same on oath in 2008 and I proved it was the same date he began withdrawing €75,000 from his bank account, the man is a liar and I can prove it and it's him that needs to disprove it to the court”

We went back into court. J told the judge that the ex “left the family home and rented it out and has not given a penny to his wife” The ex denied this, he said “M refused to give me any rent and the other two who were living there had no money to pay me anything at all because they were just doing a course”

J said to the Judge “it makes no sense at all that he's paying €100 a week private rent which is more than the mortgage he's not paying”

His solicitor asked that “the maintenance arrears to be put forward for the Circuit Court because there is a divorce pending” and I almost hit the roof and grabbed J's arm. J interrupted and said to the judge “the divorce has been ready to go for a year and he is stalling it and has repeatedly refused to declare where all monies and assets have gone to and this has been the case for the past 6 years now” she told the Judge “this court and the court in another County have demanded proof but he just simply fails to show up then issues another summons the next day”

The judge asked him “where did your inheritance came from” then asked him “what is your fathers name” then told him “you have 6 weeks to provide this court with all bank statements in Ireland and England or you will be looking at jail as an option if you do not provide these to the court”

The Judge then asked me “is the maintenance up to date” I said “no” and he told the ex “hand it over now and if you default again your wife can bring you back here and you will look at jail time”

His solicitor by now clutching at straws told the judge “my client has been bad with mental health problems” the judge said “haven't we all” His solicitor said “he's been bad enough that he's had to spend time in a mental health unit” The judge asked “how has that stopped him paying maintenance then” and said “hand over €80 now or remain in this court building and I will deal with you after all the other cases have been heard” His solicitor said “he will have to go and get the money from his partner” The ex left the room to go and get the money.

His solicitor told the judge whilst the ex was out of the room “ he's at present being assessed for Aspergers Syndrome” I shot my hand up and the judge nodded at me to speak, I said “Aspergers Syndrome is not a mental health issue and I should know because I have two sons with this condition” he said “sorry for your troubles” His solicitor asked about getting criminal legal aid for her client, the judge said “no, if he has nothing to hide then he has nothing to fear and will not need legal aid”

We were told to leave but not to leave the court till I had the money in my hand. I told J “this court has no jurisdiction to order a full disclosure” she said “it does now” and hugged me because she knew this was all I ever wanted. She said the judge also ordered something else which means the bailiffs can go into whatever house he lives in and remove anything of value including documents. J gave me back my file and said we can meet up for a proper chat at the Four Courts before the next court case in September.

I went downstairs to the foyer and smiled at my youngest and L and told them I had to wait on some money, his solicitor came up and asked me “will you sign a receipt for the €80” she was giving me. I laughed and told her “I was made to do that in my marriage when and if he decided to give me any money” She laughed and said “he has a huge case full of papers but I didn't have much time to prepare because I only got him as a case this morning” We all left and I saw him and his girlfriend in deep discussion with the solicitor.

23^rd June

I had a chat with eldest about Michael Mc Creadie, he said “I wouldn't mind meeting him” I knew this had to take place fast in case he changed his mind so I rang Edel from Gheel and told her, she said she would be out to the house tomorrow at 11.30am.

Had a call from the charity, they would like me to be a volunteer in their detox unit, I am thrilled about that and cannot wait to start.

I reminded eldest that Edel would be at house tomorrow and would tell him all about Michael Mc Creadie.

24^th June

I woke eldest up and again reminded him “Edel will be out this morning” he told me “I need a Xanax” and he went into the toilet but within two minutes he came out and told me “I have no need to see her, I'll just read a book on anxiety” I told him “you've had that book for months now and not read it at all and it will be good to find out about this professional and you can get an assessment done too if you're interested because we think you're like how you are because of how your father treated you, nothing else” he lost it with me and roared at me “I'm a fucking social retard” I asked him “do you actually know what that word means because I'm now fed up with both you and youngest using it willie nilly” he told me “fuck off, I'm not meeting anyone” I said “it's not fair Edel has probably been up all night getting the correct info for you and now you're changing your mind at the very last minute” He changed tact and started on me by saying “you called me socially inept when I was only 12 when I was making a cake” I said “you need to start getting your facts straight because I have never used the words “socially inept” in my extensive vocabulary. He stopped and he stood still and looked at me sideways and said in a very low voice “do not do that, do not lie to me, I do not like that” I said “the only one lying thru their teeth here is you, turning the bloody tables on me because you've bottled out of meeting Edel, it's help you need before I crack up or is that what you want to happen considering you and I quote “fucking hate and detest you and hope you die” you have mixed me up with someone else so search your bloody brain and figure out who said those words “socially inept” to you because it certainly wasn't me and I don't appreciate being lied about” He marched off, I still had so much more I wanted to say to him, I was furious at him and about him, the cheeky git that he is, I didn't feel in the least bit scared of him today because he pissed me of to the point of anger and he knew it which is why he stormed off and wasn't still standing in front of me finishing me off with a verbal blasting of all the worse words he could think of to hurt me but no matter what nasty vile things he calls me I will not allow him to frigging lie about me, the days of any man doing that to me are well and truly over.

Something inside of me snapped or maybe I just woke up to the fact that I'm being used and abused yet again, for him to stoop so low and tell me to my face I said something to him when he was 12 when I never said any such thing in my life was so beyond me, he's just a coward who doesn't have the balls to meet Edel so spun everything around to blame me for something I never said in my life and I hate liars with a vengeance, they are dangerous and they need to lie on top of lie on top of lie to cover the first lie they ever told. I have not been a liar. I am not a liar and I never will be a liar. This is one thing he will not get away with. I slammed the kitchen door so hard after he left and I never do that so he knows how pissed off and angry I am at him.

Youngest came running down asking “what's going on” I told him “ask your lying brother what's going on” and told youngest “I'm sick of setting things up for eldest, jumping to his command when he wants this, that and the other and at the very last minute he's bailed out but guess who has to deal with it, not him, not you, but me and the frigging icing on the cake is him shouting at me that I said something when he was 12 when I know I never said any such thing at all and no one lies about me so tell him thanks for that and he's made up my mind for me because I am now done now with the pair of you, you're both grown, you're both adults, I've done my job so sod you both”

I have changed, something has changed. And no one likes it, not even me.

I took puppy out to the park and rang T. She said “I don't know why you bother your arse with them at all, they are both disrespectful little bollix and I've seen it with my own eyes. Come down to me for a couple of days” I said “I wish I could but I have Edel coming out today” T said “I wish one of them had lied about you years ago because I prefer this side of you, at last standing up for yourself, do not to forget how you feel at this minute in time, they will both be shocked at mam fighting her own corner for once” I'd never thought of that before. It is weird tho, I will fight anyone's corner but I rarely fight my own. T again asked me “come down to me for a few days break because I'm scared you're heading for a breakdown” she said “I think they both take the piss and tell you things to shut you up but when push comes to shove they have you exactly where they want you and I knew this day would come” She said “I want to read them both the riot act” I said “that will only make things worse” she said “how the hell can things get any worse, the state you are in and that bastard (ex) swans about with not a care in the world yet claims the sick role whilst you, the healthy one is being brought down low by it all”

I sent Edel of Gheel a text telling her “I'm out walking because if I had stayed in the house I would have exploded and thrown eldest out on his ass” Edel texted me back at 11.05am that she was on her way out to me.

Edel came to the house. I told her “I'm done, I've put up with many things but I will not put up with anyone lying about me, I had my fill of that with the ex, he almost drove me insane, his insistence that I had said or done something made me start believing him and question my own sanity and no one will ever get the chance to do that to me ever again. My ex even tried to tell me his eyes were grey when they're blue and I ended up studying frigging photographs even tho I was with him then for 17 straight years so no one is lying about me and affecting my mental health ever again, it's bad enough how eldest and youngest treat me and talk to me but this I will not put up with” It seemed like it was my turn to rant and rave like my sons do regularly because I couldn't let this go, I couldn't get over it but I know for a fact that I never uttered those words eldest accused me of saying. I said “I'm pig sick of setting things up at his request, like the home school and the man and woman spent hours in the other house with eldest sitting beside them and smiling and chatting then the minute they left told me “I ain't fucking doing it”

Edel said “he probably does want to meet me but has blown it up in his head and his anxiety and the reality of doing it stopped him” I said “he has no problems when he wants something, like T taking him to change his 3V voucher because it would not work” I said “I wish he would just hit me over the head with a hammer or something and put me out of my misery once and for all because I hate living this life, I hate being used as their shield and I get no thanks or appreciation at all for the life I've been forced to lead at their behest, at their beck and call, they are not kids, they are adult men and should be helping themselves out of this mess” I said “if I'm ill I see a doctor, if I had Autism I would seek out an expert to help me live a full life but they don't do fucking anything at all except bark at me, they take it all out on me and I've had enough of it all, I'm sick of them continually telling me how much more superior they are than me intellectually but are doing Jack shit to get out of the mess they are in, the mess they have me in, have dragged me down to” Edel said “I know how stressful the past 8 weeks have been for you with youngest also being diagnosed, you need to take time out for you and you alone, I fear you're becoming burnt out” I had never heard that before. She said “they can fend for themselves for a while and will not go hungry, they are capable of making themselves a sandwich or whatever they like, I think you need to go off somewhere, anywhere to try and relax” I told her “T invited me to go to her place” she said “it's a good idea and you should seriously think about it” I told her “I would still have the problems I have when I came back” She said “I do not know how you feel but I understand why you're feeling as you do”

When Edel left I did not make their dinner, they can fend for themselves, they ain't handicapped, they can make their own damn dinner. I went to bed, my eyes were so sore from crying, I don't even know why I'm crying any more, I know I'm angry, frustrated, lonely and in fear for my own sanity.

Guilt, that old mammy guilt came into play and I ordered them a pizza. I called up the stairs to them that it had arrived, I said “eat it or you don't eat it, I don't care” youngest came into my room asking me if I had any Rennies because he had heartburn, I told him “no I don't and if you need them then walk to the local chemist and get them, he said “I'm not doing that” I said “don't ask me to do anything you're not prepared to do yourself ” He walked out. I would have normally ended up doing his bidding but I'm not today. I have been truly sickened by eldest and been thinking what they both put me thru.

27^th June

Walked puppy to the vet for her last injection. Went to Tesco, made sons lunch and covered with plates then called them for it and went into my room, I just do not want to be around them at all.

Made them dinner at 5pm and called upstairs that it was ready, only eldest came down and said “I'm taking his up to him” that was a first, he never does anything for anyone so an alarm went off in my head and I went upstairs to find out what was going on with youngest. I asked youngest “what are you still doing in bed at this time of day” he told me “I have nothing to get up for” then he clammed up, something was going on but if I persisted in finding out he would retreat even more and I was far too drained to be bothered any more and felt not an ounce of guilt for saying so. I also felt disgusted because I hate the way he pulls the woe is me attitude, it's emotional blackmail meant to get me back to heel, I had it with his father and then with them both but it's not going to work this time because I am teetering on the edge here as it is and if I do try to find out what's up with him, I know he will just clam up even more or he will tell me to fuck off and you do not care, I'm not going to give him the opportunity today to say anything in the way of abuse to me, I know he will come out of it when he is good and ready.

Youngest did not eat the dinner I made, he ate a full packet of ice lollies instead, I do not know what's going on and I'm too drained to find out, too drained to care. I need a break, a normal life, some laughter. I want more than this continual drain on my spirit.

26^th June

I kept waking up thru out the night, I gave up even trying to sleep and went on my computer. I was in the bath and dressed by 7am. I was trying to think of what I can say to youngest that would help him but not have him lambaste me, I am sick of the cycles of this crap, I get no break from any of this, I wish to god they both would put themselves in my shoes for a change and see what I have to cope with from them, they only have one of me but I get it in stereo from them and they are getting worse and I am getting weaker, too weak to cope with them both.

I decided the best thing I could do was to get us away from the draining atmosphere of the house and get us out into the fresh air, I knew he would talk if we were out and about walking. I woke him up at 9am telling him I'd ran a bath for him and asked him did he fancy going on a train trip to Greystones, he asked me why, I said because I heard it's beautiful and it will get us out of the house for a few hours before it gets too hot outside, he said okay.

An hour later and he was still not out of the bed. I went to tell him the bath was now stone cold, he said “I do not give a fucking shit” That is it, I'm done pussy footing around them both. I told him “both you and eldest are going to regret treating your mother like a piece of crap, like shit, I'm sick of it, I'm not putting up with your abuse, swinging moods, you will not be happy till I am swinging from a rope and now you can both go and live in a place of your own” youngest said “why, what have I done” I was open mouthed, he surely couldn't be serious after the way he just spoke to me. I told him “why don't you just stay in your bed and think about it” and I left his room.

I was so looking forward to going out, I was wearing a skirt for the first time in years, I wanted to get out and away from the atmosphere of misery, doom and gloom that chokes me in my own house. It's only when I'm on the verge of cracking up that I revert to being myself in my house, it's only when I'm like this that I get the courage to say what I think and feel, all other times I'm like a simpering wreck as their abuse and vile insults wear me down so much so I swallow down the real me just to try to keep the peace, don't rock the boat girl, think of the consequences girl, well fuck the consequences and fuck them.

Edel from Gheel is off work for a few days. Gheel is shut and in the two years I have known them they have not once given me any number I can call if it's an emergency and this is an emergency because I've had enough, I know I'm shocking my sons and I'm shocking myself too but I'm not being brought to heel by them any more.

Took puppy for a walk, I was so annoyed and so angry and had no one to off load to. I will be smothered in eczema before this day is over.

Came home and kept busy, I even washed the walls down. I checked my emails and had one from eldest and my heart started banging loudly in my chest, it's weird how even now just seeing the ex's name can freak me out. It wasn't from the ex tho but from my eldest who has his name. I knew it would be abusive before I even read it.

“youngest stayed in bed all day yesterday and today because he's fucking depressed and won't tell me why. I want nothing to do with you because I'm terrified of being around people and you tried to bring someone here after I'd forgotten you'd said they were coming, leaving me feeling sick with stress most of the day. I've said before and I'll say again: get me enough of any substance to overdose on and I'll be out of your hair for good. I cannot fucking stand you and I have no future due to me being fucked up in the head, so you'd be doing me a favour”

My reply to eldest

“youngest is not “fucking depressed” he is sulking either due to me (off course) or because he has no money to do anything or go anywhere as he constantly says, or he couldn't complete his review for a Japanese site he was anxious to get done, if you actually conversed with him on a regular basis he may have told you but as his Mother I know the best thing to do is leave him to come out of it on his own. I did not “try to bring someone here” the girl Edel from Gheel comes here on a regular basis once per month and you agreed to come down and listen to her as you “have no problems being out now” when you were at the hospital and I told you about Edel knowing a Michael McCready and asked would you like to know more about learning coping strategies re being out and you said yes then asked me to take a photo to prove that you were out. I continually reminded you about Edel's visit and you appeared fine with it. I cannot and do not read minds so how in gods name am I to know how you are feeling. You “cannot fucking stand me” I have heard it so often now it does not hurt me any more yet I find it very strange that when you had the opportunity to move to London with us you refused but had us up sticks again and come back for you and from that day I have had no life at all. I fought everyone who wanted to have you hauled away, including your Father. I fought the HSE system which nearly killed me but unfortunately did not. I neglected youngest to the point I did not know he had the same condition, I've taken dogs abuse from you with rarely a kind word uttered for anything I do, do you think by now that I don't know of your contempt and hatred of me. You are hardly “fucked up in the head” if people are sick they see a doctor, if they are ill they go to the hospital, f they have a social anxiety disorder they seek the proper help to overcome this but you decide not to, you decide you cannot and so nothing has changed nor will ever change until you and you alone decide. This is not the first time you have asked me to give you enough meds to kill yourself, you surely have enough sense to know that is never going to happen and I have also told you it’s not like you've read it in a book, take enough tabs and go to sleep forever, you could end up brain damaged, nerve damaged and have to live in a hospital having everything done for you for the rest of your life. You two do not see me as a human with feelings, Christ knows why not and I do not deserve your disdain, contempt, hatred, and disrespect. I deserve a break, I know it and all professionals know it because I'm at breaking point having not had a break in 5 years. In the past few weeks I had daily school crap to deal with for youngest and then saw him being diagnosed with Aspergers. I had exams to study for and sit. I had to face that sod and his partner yet again in court (5 times this year alone) and had you 8 hours in the hospital. I have constant pain in my ovaries that needs a hospital visit and stay over but I cannot as yet again I put you and your brother first so forgive me but I do not give a crap that you cannot stand me as I cannot stand myself for putting up with all this for all these years with not an ounce of gratitude, conversation, laughter, not an iota of fun ever. You may want to kill yourself, you may think that I want you out of my hair, which is complete nonsense as I could have walked years ago, but you will not do it under my roof or with my help. If you decide to continue with this conversation verbally I will not be listening and will take steps to protect myself and you. I am going to bed as I have taken pain killers for my ovaries, so leave me in peace, your sandwich for lunch is covered in the kitchen. Mum”

I asked my youngest to come into my room because I wanted to talk to him, he shouted “no” and something about a bitch then he locked himself in his room. I told him “unlock and open the door and don't be so ridiculous” he was roaring thru the door “it's all your fault (isn't it always) he said “you have not spoken to me for three days now for no reason” I said “that's rubbish” and reminded him I arranged a trip out for us this morning then reminded him of his horrible words to me, he said “when you do speak to me it's with disdain and aggression” I said “you have to be bloody joking coming out with that, the only aggressor's in this house are you and your brother and you should hear yourselves and the foul words you cannot help but direct at me, do you think I have no feelings and if you lie about me again then you are out the door and have professionals sort you out and take your crap because I no longer can” He said “do what you like, fuck off you cunt”

I checked on Gheels website for an emergency number as I cannot take this, there were no emergency contact numbers on the website. I sent Edel a text asking her if she knew of an emergency number when Gheels office is closed because I need help and I need it now. Edel rang me, I apologised because I thought she would have texted a reply and not rang me because I know she's off work. She said “it's okay because I'm free to chat anyway” I read out eldests email to me and my reply and told her what youngest has been like and how he's talking to me, lying about me and is now locked in his room and I'm scared because the last time my eldest locked himself in his room he took an overdose and youngest has multiples of medications in his room and if he doesn't unlock his door then I'm calling the Garda because I cannot go thru this fear. I was sobbing so much down the phone to her that she could hardly understand me. She asked “why do you think youngest would take all his meds” I said “I have just read out eldests email to you and he says youngest is “fucking depressed” I said “I'm sick of eldests threats of suicide, sick of how he tells me what he feels about me, I can no longer have them live with me, I will end up insane, it's bad enough one of them treating me like this but two of them is just too much for one person to cope with who has no other support at all. I cannot cope and I'm not coping and I don't want to cope with all this any more” Edel said “it's good that eldest is telling you his deepest fears” I said “I'm focussed only on his hatred for me, his threats of suicide but I'm more worried about youngest being locked away in his room” She told me “focus on something else and make sure you go to your course because they can fend for themselves” I was so busy crying that I didn't see eldest go into the toilet, it was only when I heard the toilet flush and he walked out that I realised he would have heard everything I'd just said. I told Edel “I want this all ended” I said “thank you for ringing me on your day off” She said she will ring me tomorrow.

Youngest walked into the kitchen with his dishes, he said “eldest told me you were on the phone to someone telling them that you're calling the Garda if I didn't unlock my door so that just proves what a cunt you really are” I told him “get away from me before I say something I may regret and you may regret hearing for a very long time”

God almighty this is all just pure madness, they both obviously hate me so much, their words, their actions, their emails tell me so, why are they living with me then, why do they not just bugger off and leave me in peace, piss off and leave me alone, they are really mad in the head, they have got to be as none of what they say is normal.

I went into my room and turned on my computer and there was another email from my eldest. I didn't bother reading it. I've had enough of him and his hatred of me. He is tho a joke, telling me by email that he wants to kill himself but at this precise moment is on his exercise bike to keep his weight down. He's not in the least bit suicidal, it's just emotional blackmail. It's time for him to leave home, he is nearly 20 years old for god's sake.

27^th June

It's 1am and I cannot sleep at all, I read my eldests email to me.

“My life is fucking miserable and has been from about the age of 12. I've spent virtually every fucking day of the past 4 years day-dreaming about different ways of killing myself (psychiatrists call it suicide ideation.) You brought me into this world so it makes sense you should get the blame. I do not like you nor am I ever going to unless you help me end this. Overdosing is a painless and guaranteed way to go if you mix lots of substances (painkillers, sedatives) with alcohol. I have absolutely no future. My teeth are mangled and mutant-looking and it'll be 2-3 years before I manage to get braces off (if I even do fucking get them.) They'll still be dark-yellow coloured and no amount of bleaching can fix that. I will be in my mid twenties before I'll be back to fixing my education. I will never be able to socialise and my life is already fucking over at this point and I utterly despise you for the fact you didn't even fucking mention there was anything wrong with them to me when I was a kid. I have malocclusion at it's retroactively fucking humiliating that I had to go to school like this. I hate the fact that I breathe. I will never have a shred of normalcy and I want to die”

I replied to his email and I pulled no punches either. I'm not going to feel sorry for him. I'm sick of all his woe is him and his life:

“Makes sense to you that I get the blame for having you!! Leave it out boy, that’s not a very bright conclusion for an intelligent person like you is it. Excuse me for falling in love with your father and him not having an ounce of decency to tell me his medical and mental history till I had to live with it and find out for myself for 17 sickening, abusive years and he too told me that everything was all my fault and tried to convince me it was me that was mentally ill. Two parents had you, not just one. Pity you didn't tell the psychiatrists when they asked you outright the very same question re suicidal thoughts, to which you told them no. Dr Canning also asked you last year and again you said no, how many opportunities have you let slip by to get sorted. I do not take kindly to blackmail and do not care that you don’t like me, I’ll get over it, in fact I have always bloody well known it and the only reason I put up with you is because you are my son, flip it round for a second, would you put up with this if it were you in my shoes? Not in a heartbeat would you as even tho you are more than capable of doing anything, you do nothing for no one. Get over yourself, people have to put up with living with huge disabilities every day in life, no arms, legs, sight, have learning difficulties but still out and about and work, you should try going to Tesco and see them in action.

You have had 5 years and two months to do something about your own education. 2 years ago I got you “not school” installed, you waited till they had done it then told me, not fucking doing it. I sent off for the Open University brochures, you told me you could not read thru them so I had them printed out for you to read and yet again you did nothing. I contacted the education Dept. to get you a tutor for leaving cert but you had to pay for it yourself and refused, you could have done something the past 2 plus years yourself re education.

You're right you have no future, you have nothing with that woe is me attitude. As you do not smile I fail to see what the problem is, braces I have investigated can be worn for 3 months at a time, and as you are not an orthodontist you have no clue as to how long this will take, watching you tube vids and reading about it does not make you an expert. Proper dentist bleaching will whiting immediately, last year I rang 3 dentists and explained all and yet again even tho I had made you an appointment you refused to go. You despise me for not mentioning your teeth to you, how many times did I tell you that your father had a small jaw as you have and too many teeth and he had to have 6 removed, how many times did I tell you that I had no access to money, no transport and normally no access to even a bloody phone, you know all this because you were there.

I am all done now. I have done my job as a mother and raised you. I am not living this life you forced me to live any more, you ain't happy, you make everyone else unhappy so it’s time you got your own place and employ professional people who chose to do this work for a living and can clock in and out each day to help you live a normal life and help you access all you need re your teeth, your education and your anxiety and who I know will not have you angry towards them as that has just been saved for me hasn’t it, you actually have two parents so why hasn’t he ever got any of this shit. Now just leave me alone as I have reached the end of my last nerve”

It actually felt very good to think sod him, I told him how I really feel for a change and I do not give a crap about any consequences, I really have had enough, perhaps this will sink in with both of them now. I know for a fact that they would never do what they do, or speak like they speak to another human being except me and they think this is normal, well it's not and neither are they, this has nothing to do with having Aspergers, it's there innate personality, their fathers bullying and controlling genes, not bloody Aspergers.

I couldn't sleep so I stayed up. I have a first aid course to go to and I'm wrecked. I sent L a text asking her if she was in her office today as I would be in town and would love to have a chat with her. She replied she would be free at lunch time. I made the boys lunch and left the plates covered and got the 9am bus to town.

At lunch time I met up with L and showed her my eldests two email to me and my replies to him and told her all that had been going on with my youngest. She said “you look really tired and stressed out” and asked “are you fit to stay on for the rest of the day and do the course” I said “I would rather be out than in the house” She said “don't feed into eldest by replying to his emails” I said “I wouldn't normally but I'm just happy I no longer care and can tell him how I feel for once” I told her “this is my first permanent house in 6 years and I don't want to be in it whilst my sons are because I cannot take any more” She told me “keep in touch and get as much support as you can for yourself”

I managed to stay at the course and to stay awake. I left at 5pm. I rang youngest and was surprised when he answered as he normally cuts me off. I asked him how many times they had let puppy out for the toilet, he said once, I told him to let her out now and I'm on my way back.

I bought a cooked chicken for their dinner and made rice and wedges and called them down. They both came down for it and they both said thank you which was a nice change.

I checked my emails and eldest had sent me another one. I am going to go insane because I told him to leave me alone and in peace. I'm not reading it. I'm too tired and I'm going to bed. I will take myself away somewhere for the day tomorrow.

28^th June

Up at 6.30am, I feel okay energy wise. When youngest got up I asked if he would come to the shop with me to hold puppy outside whilst I shopped, he said okay but that he needed a bath first, it took him an hour.

I haven't spoken to eldest, how can I talk to someone who openly despises me. When I think of them both I think having Aspergers doesn't make you lazy, abusive, aggressive, disrespectful and violent and all this is only ever aimed at me.

I made lunch for them and went off to County Wicklow, it is a beautiful place. I popped into a cafe and had tea, I felt a bit stupid because I was on my own and the place was packed because the weather is gorgeous. I walked along the beach, I have so many memories of doing this daily with the boys in England, silent tears dripped down my face. I need a fucking lobotomy to release me of all my memories that now only cause me pain. How can my sons now be like this when they had my love always.

I got back at 6pm and made dinner then took puppy for a walk. Not a word out of eldest or youngest at all to me.

29^th June

Up at 6am. Woke youngest at 9am by asking him “ can I have all the rubbish out of your room for the bin man” his room was full to over flowing and all rubbish was strewn over his floor. He asked me “where are you going” I said town, he asked me “is the water hot” I told him yes. I think this means he wants to come out with me.

When youngest was ready he saw I had a rucksack and asked me again where I was going, I said “town then I'm going to jump a train to go to Bray if you feel up to it” From nowhere he said “You never mentioned Bray to me, I'm not going, how dare you disrespect me” He went off to his bedroom leaving me stunned with confusion.

I walked puppy to the park and thought Christ almighty what have my sons become, they are not normal in the head any more, no good them blaming Aspergers because they were raised without me knowing they had it. They wouldn't even talk to their father this way because they are shit scared of him so why the fuck do they think it's okay to talk to me like that.

I come back from walking after an hour. Youngest came down and asked me “Are you going to town or what” I said “I told you earlier I'm going to town then I'm going to Bray” he said “forget it then” I haven't a clue what he's going on about but I do know that my boy ain't happy about mum doing something for herself for a change. I am drained by him and it's all mental, not physical.

30^th June

Youngest asked me if I was going out today. I swear I shall go criminally insane if I get a re run of yesterday. I told him I'm going to the seaside, he said he'll come with me.

It was a lovely scenic journey and so peaceful walking along the sea front, hearing the sounds of the waves, I have missed that so much.

I had a conversation with youngest about his behaviour the past few day, he said “I am angry at living in poverty” I said “you have no idea what real poverty is” and reminded him he's “well fed, clothed, has heat, has all he asks for from me” He said “having no money of my own means my life is on hold, I want to do so much, to go places and leave the country” I said “you can do all that without abusing me and you have your whole life ahead of you but you wont go far at all unless you gets your Leaving Cert as no one will employ you without proof of an education” He said “I do not want to be employed and work for cunts” he has a way of using that bloody awful word and putting such emphasis on it that it's practically spat out of his mouth with venom. He said “I will have three businesses of my own” He then told me about an old man, an animator who died and made him “realise I have done nothing with my life so far” I said “the only way you can change your life financially is to get yourself a job, any job, so you can have a regular wage because I'm keeping you on what I get and it only stretches so far” I had a long chat with him about Eldest and his emails to me and why “I panicked and got so worried with you locking yourself in your bedroom and what's worse is I know you knew I would be worried” He said “Eldest was practically in tears because he heard you on the phone to someone telling them you were ringing the Garda and he told me to get out of my room and go downstairs to prove I was no longer locked in my room” I said “why on gods earth did you do all that to me and say what you said to me, life is heavy enough for me to cope with without extra heaped on my shoulders” He said “why are you such a cunt” I couldn't believe it, I felt like leaving him and going off on my own in a different direction. He just proved he does not give a damn, he is selfish, ignorant and not worth another ounce of my time or energy. I am done with him.

1^st July

My friend sent me a text, she is back from her holidays, she rang me, I filled her in on all going on with eldest and youngest. I told her I give up, have had enough, am taking no more, my mental health and my life is worth more than this. She said it's about time I began to think about myself.

No maintenance in the bank again.

I started going to the charity meetings once a month.

I got the 4.30pm bus back from town. Youngest met me off the bus. He told me “I've done the dishes and hoovered the living room for you” I gave him a hug and said thank you. We walked to Super Valu, he wanted diet coke, I got eldest Irn Bru. Youngest took it up to him but he said he didn't want it. Silly me I forgot when eldest has the hump with me he won't touch anything that's Scottish. Something is seriously wrong with that boy/man.

Youngest wanted me to go out walking with him so I brought puppy too. I told youngest “as you're now a man I'm going to talk to you as one adult to another and I want you to listen, not butt in, just listen” He nodded his head. I told him “ I am going to Gheel to get them to find eldest a place of his own to live in before I slide under and never resurface, I am finished and washing my hands of eldest and if you want to leave with eldest then you're more than welcome to move with him if that's what you want to do but if you want to stay with me then you need to find a professional to let off steam to because it cannot be aimed at me any more, I am giving eldest one chance of either moving out or agreeing to meet with a professional once per week and I feel stupid and weak to again be on the receiving end of being used, abused and controlled by men who should love me. I deserve a peaceful life and no more walking on egg shells, above all else I deserve respect for all I have done for you both” I said “I realise eldest may well refuse both options and it will be a traumatic time for him if he has to leave the house but he will not change and so I have to” I said “I know he will not talk to me the rest of his life once he has to leave and no doubt I will be the one to blame for all that's wrong with him to anyone who will listen but I can live with that as I know the truth and so does he, I now realise we have no family life and have not had for years and it will never change” Youngest said “eldest knows himself he has something more wrong with him than Aspergers but he hardly talks to me and will not tell me what he thinks he has” I said “only a professional will be able to find that out then be able to help him because I cannot” We walked back home, both of us now deep in thought.

For someone who loves life and human company like I do, all I have thought these past two years is I wish I was dead. I am furious at all the professionals in our lives since that other County 2006 and now 2011 and they have and still have done nothing. They just sit back and wait to pick up the pieces once the carer is destroyed, has had enough, falls apart. How dare they, how fucking dare they. God almighty even I know that it's cheaper to support people so they don't fall apart. This is peoples lives, their mental and physical health, my mental and physical health at stake. Who cares, they certainly do not, they do not live this life or live with my sons, I do. I know for the professionals it would be of to a residential home for their loved ones so it would not affect their lives, they haven't a fucking clue.

Went to bed at 8pm. I am so pleased that youngest seems to be coming back to himself again and is making an effort. Eldest refused his dinner again, it's still in the kitchen. It's always the same old merry go round with him but there is nothing merry about any of this.

2^nd July

Woke up 4.45am, I heard eldest in the kitchen getting cereal. I cleaned the house when he went back to his room. When youngest got up he asked me if I was going out today, I said I had the charity social trip to go on. He said he was bored so I cancelled the charity trip and went out with youngest instead taking puppy to St Ann's park. We bought lovely cakes in the French market.

Made eldests dinner when we got back, youngest called him for it, he said he didn't want it. It dawned on me that he's not coming down for it because I have my laptop and computer desk in the kitchen so I asked youngest to help me up to my room with the desk to see if eldest would come down then. I was right, he came down for his dinner when I was no longer sitting in the kitchen.

4^th July

I've had enough abuse to last me a lifetime from eldest and now youngest. How can you love someone who hates you so much? Eldest is not talking and it’s killing me. I have so much to say to him, to ask him, to share with him. Why does he hate the only person who has ever loved him, who ever will, and will love him till the day I die, I have nothing to prove any more, the past 5 plus years of living this way should have shown that. 18 years may have gone by in a flash but I still see me birthing him, still see those formative years, still see that absolutely gorgeous baby, infant, toddler, child, youth, my son. I love him but can no longer help him, I am not equipped for what he needs. I am sorry. I am desperately sorry.

I am furious at the so called professionals, this is peoples lives, their physical and mental health so how dare they just sit back and not do anything constructive except jolly me along to check how I am, to make sure I am holding us all together alone with no other frigging life at all. Could they do this, I very much doubt it. It would be off to private institutions for their offspring I imagine. Perhaps I am wrong. I remember talking to a psychiatrist who told me “at age 13 children are well equipped to go and live in a boarding school environment, in fact it would do them good, teach children independence and self sufficiency” I remember thinking what an idiot, not a maternal bone in her body, off load the teenage years to someone else so you can continue down the career path you chose for yourself and yes she had two kids in a boarding school, having money and a good education changes lives, no point me thinking how it would have changed ours as I will never get what is half mine legally. My relationship with my eldest has now irretrievably broken down, he does not speak to me and I will not speak to him. I would previously have found some excuse or another and “gave in” but not now, too much has been said and done to me so I’m done and informed Gheel that I'm done.

Walked to St Ann's park with youngest and puppy, then went to Tesco and walked home.

Edel from Gheel rang me. I told her I'm out in the street which means I cannot talk as things are too personal to do so. She carried on talking and asking me questions and I let rip at her by now not caring who the hell heard me.

I told her “Gheel are sitting back watching while I fall apart, you have done Jack shit except send two letters to my son” I peppered this with apologies to her for her getting it from me “but thanks to your agency doing nothing in the way of services and supports my relationship with my eldest has now broken down and I will not be seeking to repair it and I want him out” I told her “it takes me a long time to awaken from stupefied slumber but once I do wake up and make a decision I stick to it and I will not change my mind. The only thing open to my eldest now and I mean it, is that he has to agree to meet with a professional once a week to talk over all his problems if he wants to live with me because I'm not a professional and I will not be abused any more by him, he is an adult and can take responsibility for himself. 5 years and 3 months I have had of this and it's enough so when the hell are Gheel going to start listening to me as they clearly haven't since April 2009 and I will go public again and I don't care if the whole world ends up knowing me any more because I've had enough. I know this is more than Aspergers and even then Aspergers is not a free ticket for him or youngest to say or do what they like continually to hurt me, do you all think I'm a bloody robot with no feelings at all”

Edel said “we can come up with some practicalities at the meeting with Andy McDonnell” I said “the only topic of discussion will be my eldest is out of my house for good or he agrees to meet weekly with a professional, nothing else, I'm not interested in anything else. Practicalities will not help me, it's either in or out for eldest under my rules from now on” I told her “I do not like Andy McDonnell anyway because I have never forgotten the veiled threat he made to me about him having to go to the high court to remove a child from a family to get them help which he told me the very first time I met him and I’m done taking abuse from anyone including professional abuse of power, I'm taking back control and I have a few thing to say to Andy McDonnell because he really upset me the last time I met him and I shall be airing my views on the matter and see if the air can be cleared, if not I am finished with your agency”

Edel said “we have to focus on what can be done and it's no good you getting at Andy” I said “I will air my views as I see fit and they are my terms, I've had my eyes opened and it's either my way or the highway for eldest” She asked me “what's your new counsellors name” I said “that's not relevant, I found the counsellor under my own steam after waiting on you repeatedly telling me you would source “specific counselling” for over a year and I still heard nothing so it's my business who I'm seeing because I pay for it”

I felt awful erupting at Edel like that but it had to be said, it's just a pity it was said in the street but I did tell her when I answered the phone that I couldn't talk. I accused her service “of trying to cover a broken bone with a mere plaster, you wait until families fall apart at the seams mentally, emotionally and physically. I no longer trust your service, my eldest has now stripped away any remaining love I felt for him and I will not be used nor abused by him any more, he's an adult and 5 years plus 3 months of this perpetual torture is enough for me, Aspergers is not an excuse nor a free ticket nor ride to do and say what he wants to hurt me and only me”

I have a fabulous memory for anything that effects me emotionally, I have no idea how I do it but a simple key word will propel me back to whatever memory was triggered and I recall where I was, what I was doing, what I was saying etc. The downside of that is all the memories I have are painful and so hurt me when recalled.

I missed a call from the solicitor. I rang her back and she said “the ex's file is now with Dublin Law Society” I filled her in re eldest, she asked me to “put it in writing” and send it to her, I said “no, it has nothing to do with my divorce” she said “it will be a true statement of the stress you are under” I said no.

5^th July

S the Advocate rang me. I told her about my call with Edel and how it was all said by me in the street and I'm really hanging on by a thread and cannot take any more. S told me “you have genuine complaints” and “I haven't heard you as strong as you are now for a long time so stick to your guns and if you need my help to put in a formal complaint just give me a shout” She also said “I was fed up telling you that this was abuse and not Aspergers”

Youngest decided he was in “dreadful pain” “in agony” in fact because he had a bit of sunburn on his neck, he refused to come out with me to help me to carry the shopping home. And Eldest is still not talking to me.

6^th July

Edel sent me a text, “meeting with Andy McDonnell at Gheel Respite House at 1.30pm”

Youngest sent me a text asking “when are you coming home, we need bread and diet coke would be nice too” I was wrecked after being out doing a course the charity had sent me on. I got home by bus at 5.30pm then made dinner. I asked youngest if eldest had spoken to him at all, he said “no except to tell me to move when he was in the kitchen” I hate leaving them alone together because anything could happen. I was so tired I went to bed at 8pm.

Some things I read online that seemed appropriate “ It's time to leave the womb no matter how old you are” “ You have been so busy trying not to rock the boat that you forgot to row forwards” “It's in times of darkness when stars shine brightest” “You can still be a good egg even if your slightly cracked”

7^th July

Meeting at Gheel with Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell and Edel.

Andy explained Aspergers to me. I think I should bloody well know by now.

I told Andy “I'm scared witless of my eldest and I cannot take any more abuse or fear, my son is a walking volcano and I never know when he's going to erupt or what he will do to me. I fully believe one day he will kill me or kill himself and he openly hates me and it's like a constant drip drip drip of abuse, like acid dripping on my heart and he switches everything round to always my fault so he can piss off because I am done. He's also punched youngest in the face twice. I'm done, he's a grown man” I read out the contents of a letter I drafted and wanted Gheel to send him “I want eldest out of my house and into a safe place to live where he can be helped by Professionals and it should have been done re Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations” Edel said “giving him an ultimatum will stress him out” I said “I don't care how stressed out he gets, welcome to my world, is it okay for me to be this stressed out then”

Andy said, “you have been everything in your kids life so you're his focal point for everything and I know that it's horrible for you, the issue is what do you want to happen” I had just bloody told him. I said “I want him out but it has to be in a safe place and not just dumped on the streets by the Garda if I'm forced to call them. I love him enough to help him but hate him enough now to want him out of my house, I know one of us is going to end up dead” Andy said “you cannot support him any more, coping strategies have broken down in the family, this is what we need to word to the HSE, he needs a service, a full package of services, he's a volcano all the time, that is how these guys operate, you need to inform us formally that you cannot cope any more” I said “I'm doing it now, I have the letter in my hand now.” Andy said “the letter you want to give him could either help him or send him up the pole, we need to remove you so that supports can step in, would you be prepared to leave” I said “that house is my first permanent home in 6 years, where would I go” Andy said “he needs to be apart from you, for your own health, it always reaches this point with families, we have to justify it to the HSE, it's your safety, his safety as he's been writing to you about suicide, no way will he be able to live with someone else, it will not be the most difficult package to apply for, will provide three squares and support firstly at a distance, email etc. will be done subtly till he wants to engage, these guys are the hardest to live with on the planet, we will get our heads together, I am talking days not months. I will contact the HSE and tell them it’s crisis point, will make sure something is put in place as an emergency, you are incredibly stressed, I remember telling Martin when I last saw you, that woman is under incredible stress. If we engineered something to get you away for a couple of days would you go” I said “yes but I would still be worried about him and I would have to take my youngest because if they get in a row eldest will batter him” Andy said “we will put a proposal in to take the pressure off you, will be easy enough to send a Gheel support worker in just to check on him”

Edel – “Will talk to the Disability Manager, will draft the letter for the HSE as I know it all. I will talk to Peter Byrne the CEO about the best person to send into the house”

Andy – “Be another go at engaging with him but a different way, will contact the HSE and tell them this is coming to a crisis and we need to make sure something is put in place as an emergency, will tell the HSE we have a real problem here and you are reaching breaking point. Eldest is classical Aspergers, withdrawn, won't connect with other people, many sensory processing issues, we need to get him to understand why he feels as he does, you need to look after yourself and it's best not to respond to his emails, keep everything low key”

I said to Andy “at our last meeting all I can remember from it was was you telling me that you had to go to the high court to get a child removed from a family to get them proper help and I read this as a veiled threat to me and my family” He said “I remember that it was a long meeting, a two hour meeting and perhaps I may have said that I went to the high court to secure services for families” I said “no you didn't because I write everything down and I know what you said and I still remember it yet remember not much else from that meeting and to tell you the truth you put the fear of god into me and made me not want to engage with you again” He said “sorry if that's what you heard” “we will have an in house meeting, get our heads together, write to the HSE and see what can be done”

I left the meeting.

A lady from Crosscare rang me as I left Gheel. I tried to explain all that had just been said but my head was spinning with it all. I told her “I've been asked if I will leave my house but was offered no option of where I would go, they asked me if I would go away for a couple of days but no option of how I would fund it or where I would go” I told the lady “I'm so confused and wish I had someone at the meeting with me not emotionally involved” I told her “they are writing to the HSE to inform them of the seriousness of the situation” The lady said “that is good and something will have to be done now”

10^th July

I woke up to what I thought was the sound of sneezing, it wasn't, it was my eldest being sick. I ran down to him and tried to give him a bottle of water to rinse his mouth out but he told me “go away, fuck off” I said okay. I got my youngest to tell eldest to have a bath and I'll call an ambulance for him but one word of abuse out of his mouth at me and I will leave him in the hospital. Youngest did tell his brother for me and said he asked me to “get me a Xanax” he took it and went into the bath.

I took puppy out so I could talk on the phone in private to D Doc. The woman I give the details to said “he has mental problems” I said “it's not mental problems, it's a disability” she said “I want to speak to him, I said “he will not speak to you or anyone else” she said “well can he go to the doctor” I said “no, he's had agoraphobia for years and is at this minute throwing up continually” she said “well he went to the hospital recently” I said “yes, it was an emergency situation and he was tanked up on Xanax to do so because he thought he was going to die with pains in his chest” She said “I'm putting him down as a routine visit which can take 4 or 5 hours before a doctor can come out” I said in my best sarcastic voice “thank you so much for being so kind and so caring” The Bitch.

After 30 minutes the door knocked, it was a doctor. Eldest was lying on the couch, he had his blood pressure checked and his stomach, the doctor said “it sounds like an irritable bowel” I said “it's not because I have that and never have I had projectile constant vomiting” the doctor said “go to your GP and get the same meds the last D Doc prescribed for this” Eldest told youngest “I do not need or want to go to the hospital because the Xanax has worked and stopped me being sick”

11^th July

I spent the day as a Massage Therapist for a charities clients. I loved it but I'm knackered.

12^th July

One of the bosses from the charity rang me at night asking if I would do an extra slot for them. I said yes.

13^th July

Up to doctor to get eldest a prescription.

S the Advocate rang me. I told her about my meeting at Gheel “they are writing to the HSE about the seriousness of the present situation and my inability to cope any more” S said “they have to write the letter in a specific way and it may make you angry but call me about it so you do not fly off the handle” She knows me too well.

Letter from court re full disclosure of all assets and accounts, bit of good news for a change.

15^th July

My friend rang, I filled her in then asked her if she could please call Edel at Gheel for me because I have no idea what is happening with the letter being sent to the HSE.

I sent Edel of Gheel a text asking if we could have a chat. She said “I'm drafting the letter to the HSE but there's no rush because the Disability Manager is off sick” I said “there must be someone standing in” she said “no” I said “I do not want people coming in the house and dragging my eldest away because he will have a full mental breakdown” Edel said “that's not going to happen, we will arrange a support worker to come and build up to 4 hours a week” I was confused about that, I thought that was going to happen to just check on eldest once me and youngest were given a break. I had no idea what was going on. They are coming up with things they want to do and not what I was told at the meeting what would happen. And what the fuck does she mean by “there's no rush” so what the fuck was that meeting with Consultant Psych Andy McDonnell all about then, all that I told him and all that he told me and I am now being told “there's no rush” With their attitude I know they are never going to help. The shower of bastards.

T came to visit, we and youngest went to the cinema to see The Guard film. It was great to hear youngest laughing out loud. Eldest told youngest when we got home “get me a Xanax now. I am sick” in his normal grumpy and demanding manner.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty. 

I hope before this year is out that I get my divorce first and foremost. I realise some men are just plain evil and nothing on earth will make them change, nothing on earth will make them feel anything for their own flesh and blood, it was simply history repeating itself and I should have dug deeper before getting trapped but no matter I'm taking my own steps to ostracise myself from his very last connection to me. Feeling ill and the age I now am has brought up all kinds of thoughts, feelings and memories. I want to put myself first for a change, I know I will not stay where I am because I do not like it, I do not like the isolation of living in my area where people don't give you the time of day. I want peace and privacy. I want a life. I want off the hamster wheel I was forced to pedal for years. I want head space and quiet, peace to think, peace to feel. I want a good nights sleep without medication, without disturbance, a home that's my space and no one else's, where I can talk on the phone without anyone else listening in, to have company where I do not have to worry about how loud the conversation is or worry about what we're talking about being misconstrued. I want freedom to invite people into my home and into my life. I want to do nothing for anyone for a while, a time of no worrying, no fear, no fighting court cases or professionals. I want my home to be my sanctuary, I want to play the music I love and dance and sing along to, this is what I want. I want to be free.

18^th July

I had to ring the charity and tell them I can't volunteer in their detox unit any more because my son is sick. I am gutted at having to quit because I love it.

Took puppy a walk to the local shop, flashing lights appeared in my right eye, that's my warning I'm going to get a migraine. I've not had them since I left the ex.

Sent Edel of Gheel a text telling her that eldest was sick on Sunday, she replied asking “has eldest ever suffered with motion sickness” I said no. “I'm a bit confused about that because he's never on anything that moves.

Had to go to bed, have now gone blind in the flashing lights eye and have a pounding headache. I didn't make the boys dinner till 9pm.

19^th July

My head is still really bad but at least I can see again, thank god.  I wish I had someone to look after me when I'm not well.

20^th July

At Tesco at 9am for shopping then back home. I have €20 left to perform miracles with. I missed the bus home by seconds. I was running for it with the shopping when I was stopped dead in my tracks with a massive palpitation, it scared the bloody life out of me and hurt like hell. I know it's just stress overload which is why I need eldest into a place of his own as this is going to frigging kill me. I was standing at the bus stop to wait half hour for the next bus and my back started paining me with pins and needles running up and down my spine and I got so angry. Here I am half killing myself and all I have in the bags I'm lugging about is for my son's and where are they, in their lazy ass beds whilst I run about for them, something is very fucked up with that equation. I sent youngest a text telling him I feel bad and I need him to come and meet me because the rucksack I'm carrying is heavy with milk, tins of cat food and two bottles of juice for them. I rang him and he said “okay I will meet you” I got off the bus and he was no where to be seen. I was furious with self pity and he rang me as I walked in the front door. I wanted to scream right in his face but didn't because I knew once I started I wouldn't have stopped. His excuse was “I couldn't find my key” he didn't need a frigging key because I had mine and he found it in his jacket pocket anyway. I dumped the shopping on the kitchen floor and walked straight out again with puppy to the park because I knew I was going to explode and all the years of pent up anguish and frustration, anger, pain and suffering was going to erupt from me and I hadn't a clue as to how it would explode but I knew it would not be a pretty sight so it was best I wasn't in the house because I'm really teetering on the edge here.

21^st July

21 Years married and I still ain't got my divorce. I switched my phone on and had a text from the ex's phone “Heya, just arrived, the wake is tonight but I'v said I don't want to do that, maybe we can meet early? Can I borrow hair slides/ clips, a tweezer and a little make up? That too cheeky:) Cheers. Ooh and styling gel/spray?”

I have no doubts at all in my mind that my ex's girlfriend knew what today's date was and that she knew she was sending that text to me.

I sent the ex a text “Tell your current girlfriend to never send any texts to my phone again”

I had two missed calls from S the Advocate. I rang her. She said “I cannot believe there's still no letter been sent by Gheel to the HSE” I said “the excuse is that the Disability Manager is off sick so that means families like mine in dire straights can go fuck ourselves” S said “ask Gheel again what was signed off by Carol Doolan, the Disability Manager at the HSE because it's important that we find out, you need to ask what was in it as support for you all and what services for eldest and why are you now waiting for yet another support package when you don't know what the one already in place was all about because proper supports should have been put in place after the assault and knife incident and not just two letters offering your eldest a PA which he's ignored” She gave me the name and address for the Minister for Disabilities Kathleen Lynch and said I should let her know exactly what is going on and more to the point what is not going on but should be.

Edel from Gheel sent me a text saying “a letter will be sent to eldest regards engaging with a support worker”

What the hell is going on? This was only supposed to happen once they got me and youngest away on a break for a couple of days and that break has not even been mentioned at all by them.

25^th July

Meeting at Gheel with Edel and a bloke called Darragh Byrne. I was told, I was not asked, I was told that Darragh Byrne will be my eldests support worker and he will engage with my eldest. I was told they need me out of my house for an hour. I was utterly confused, what happened to all the talk by Andy Mc Donnell, the Consultant Clinical Psychologist about “Eldest needs to be apart from you, for your own health, it always reaches this point with families, we have to justify it to the HSE, it's your safety, his safety as he has been writing to you about suicide, no way will he be able to live with someone else, will not be the most difficult package to apply for, will provide three squares and support firstly at a distance, email etc. These guys are the hardest to live with on the planet, will get our heads together, I am talking days not months. Will contact the HSE and tell them it’s crisis point, will make sure something is put in place as an emergency, you are incredibly stressed, I remember telling Martin when I last saw you, that woman is under incredible stress”

Edel said “I'm going on holiday and you have to phone Deirdre as your contact support” I said “no thank you, I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her” Darragh Byrne told me twice “I'm eldests support and I will only be there for him” then minutes later he said “you can ring me for support whilst Edel is off” I told him “make up your bloody mind” Darragh said “you have no choice in the matter” and I erupted. I wasn't taking no kid talking to me and bullying me like that, who the fuck do these people think they are, it just shows you what kind of professionals they will be, their way or no way, well no fucker who went to school a bit longer than me will bully me or have any power over me. I put him straight and told him “I certainly do have a choice regards my family situation and MY choice is I choose not to be abused any more by ANYONE or live my life walking on eggshells, I have a choice in every aspect of my life because it's my bloody life” He backed down and became more human and friendly. I'm now convinced it's because I have no family or relations in this country, I am now convinced that because I'm completely alone that they are getting away with doing damn all for us these past years and think they can do and say what they please as and when they please, not with this woman they won't and not with this family either, my days of asking how high I should jump are well and truly over as far as they and all other gobshites are concerned.

I was told, not asked, I was told to let a complete stranger into my house when I'm not there and any back lash from my eldest which is a given as prior history has proven will only be directed at me, he would never explode at a stranger, he will save it all up till I am in front of him, this is a mental situation, where is the backup emergency I was told would be put in place. They want to meet me at a local cafe at 9.45am to hand over my house key and I've to stay out of the house for an hour with Edel. This is all so wrong, I went to see Andy McDonnel because I want my eldest out of the house and Andy agreed that I'm extremely stressed and he'd write and tell the HSE that he believed I was heading for a breakdown and it would take days not months to sort out and he would engineer a couple of days away for me and youngest so how in gods name has that all changed now. I have to let a stranger into my house with no back up plan in sight. Eldest will explode, he will say nothing to a stranger but will have a lot to say and do to me, Christ this is all wrong and such a mess, they haven't a clue what they are doing, the risk they are putting me at and some twat I have never met told me I had “no choice”

28^th July

A letter from Gheel arrived for eldest. I hid in the toilet and sent Edel a message about my fears. This is NOT what I agreed to.

My fear is eldest will get so strung out that I will be on the end of his temper again, all professionals told me if he ever gets violent again or I feel fear of threats of violence to just call the Garda, easy enough for them to say because they do not love him. I always put myself in his shoes and I freak out because how the hell would he cope if the Garda just came to house and removed him and he would end up in a holding cell then chucked out on the streets, he would feel like an alien being captured, cornered and he'd react accordingly, I do not want this for him and I do not want this way of life any more for me.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

L, my family court support rang me and I answered her in whispers and told her what was going on. She said “it's crazy you have to do this in your own home”

Eldest read the Gheel letter and left it on the stairs, I know he's left it for me to read but I'm not touching it.

I emailed Edel about my fears.

“Hi Edel, Please do not ring, every word I say can be heard. He has just lifted the letter now, not heard a word from him as yet but he has been angsty all night long and up and down stairs a lot”

I ended up locking myself in my bedroom in case of any explosion from him, what a bloody way to live a life”

29^th July

Another email I sent to Edel at Gheel

“Hi Edel, I am freaking out thinking about the plan that Gheel have come up with to engage with eldest. I don’t know what I expected when I told both you and Andy that eldest and I no longer had any relationship and that it had irretrievably broken down and that I wanted him out as there is only so much abuse a person, a mother can take, I do not believe for one minute that any of you can comprehend getting hit so hard that you are left black and blue, that what comes out of his mouth can pierce your very soul when he previously decided I was worth talking to and then continues with the same language by email, I do not believe that we “hurt the one’s we love” this is not hurting but downright abuse and he will carry on with it I suppose because he has got away with it all these god damn years. I think the latest plan will merely have him dig his heels in even further, barricade himself in his room and I have explained to you personally that he can hide himself away for up to 36 hours without eating or even using the toilet. I am worried sick as I believe he will see this as “punishment” from mum, he is not stupid in any way, shape or form and will know that I have instigated this and so my life and youngests will be in danger, he will never explode at anyone else except us and we both have been on the end of his fist before.  I am mortified that a young man who though very nice at the meeting, I do not know from Adam, I don’t know what experience he has previously had, I don’t know what his qualifications are and he will be coming into my house when I am not here and where I am to go for up to four hours a day god only knows, fretting about what will be going on in my house, what he will be doing etc, even thinking about it has my nerves jangled. This all may be a normal way of work for you all but it is a complete intrusion on my personal space and I have little enough of that left as it is. My poor youngest has not even been thought of thru out this plan, it was suggested I take him out with me, a grown man of 18 years!! I have to be perfectly honest and say that once again with professionals this feels like a training exercise, I do hope I am wrong but how this is going to work by making both youngest and I feel fear for the next four weeks as to how eldest copes with the intrusion in his so called home. I am sick of me yapping non stop and no one actually listening. My relationship with my son has broken down, I do not want to talk to someone who despises me and he does not wish to talk to someone he despises so where do I go from here?  I am also still thinking about Darragh telling me “you have no choice” which made me angry, to reiterate: I do have a choice regarding anything, this is my life and no one else can dictate to me how I live it, who I have living with me etc. These are the thoughts presently running around my head, I have been a bag of nerves since our meeting and since eldest received your letter so I would appreciate further clarification on my worries please”

Edel Replied

“Hi Anne, Your worries are very natural and valid, I sincerely hope I can help with offering reassurance in relation to the plan we established and clarification around the points that you raised.

- In relation to the meeting you referred to with Andy previously the current plan was established in order for eldest to engage and build a relationship with a service. A more directive approach was deemed necessary due to the fact that eldest did not choose to engage with support when it was presented to him via correspondence and other means of communication such as Skype and email previously. You expressed the fact that it had a reached a stage that you wanted to present to eldest an ultimatum because of the enormous stress you are under in the family home and the breakdown in your relationship. This involved either eldest engaging with a specialist support worker on a regular basis (weekly) or else to live in a different living environment to yourselves. We advised that it was best to work on the two parts in conjunction (i.e.1. Eldest engaging with a service and 2. possibility of access to separate accommodation for him) with each other rather than in an ultimatum form. The first part would also be necessary to achieve the second part. The current plan was established in order to help achieve the first part of eldest engaging with a service and building a relationship with a support worker. This is important so that he access the supports he requires to help with issues such as the obvious stress and anxiety he experiences. We agreed that in order to access accommodation for him would be necessary to contact the HSE disability manager for your area in order to express the need for increased funding for the support package to incorporate accommodation This is on-going presently due to fact that the disability manager for your area Geraldine Murphy has been on sick leave since that meeting.

- In relation to the fact that you think Eldest will not engage in the periods of time that Darragh is in the house, this may be the case but the hours need to be built up gradually and consistently over a period of time in order to build trust and predictability for eldest. As you said in the past there were inconsistencies with implementation of packages so it is therefore important to gradually build up the hours as it may take time for Eldest to build trust up again with a service. We had agreed a short term goal would be for the hours to be built up to a full day and night eventually where you get to go away for a break and have a positive focus for yourself. The establishment of this goal in terms of time frame will become more apparent over the coming weeks and we can discuss over the process

- In terms of your fears that Eldest will see this as something which was initiated by you, the purpose of presenting it in the letter from Gheel/hse was that it is presented by an external person in order to take this demand from yourself and give you an external body to refer to if Eldest was to raise the issue with you i.e. this is something which you had no control over, it is the hse which are responsible. The letter was seen as the best option in which to present this. In terms of support for you through the process, as I advised if a crisis is to occur at home it is best to remove yourself and youngest from the situation and access the supports outlined. I will be available and with you next week as planned on the established times and outside of those times for calls if you need support. D will be available the following weeks to talk to you about any fears that emerge or situations that occur at home during that time.

- Your fears of finding it hard to have something for yourself to focus on during those hours we can discuss more on Tuesday and establish a positive focus for you during those hours. As we spoke about with Darragh, youngest can stay in the house on occasions if the case may be.

- In respect of staff, all Gheel staff are Garda vetted and a high standard of in-house training is required before working in the out-reach team. Darragh who is a member of the out-reach team is highly trained in areas such as Autism Awareness and low arousal techniques. He has extensive knowledge and a broad range of experience working with people with Aspergers Syndrome and is extremely professional in practice.

I really hope I have reassured you in relation to some of your fears and worries which you raised. Please contact me if you need any more clarification. Kind regards, Edel”

29^th July

My reply to Edel:

“Edel, he received two letters in 12 months which he ignored. The more direct approach you now refer to is because everyone waited till I fell apart and could no longer accept the situation. Andy telling me that it always takes a crisis tells me that this is normal for agencies which is a disgrace for people like me and families like mine. I wanted eldest to receive the letter I brought to you both as I know him inside and out, he would have realised that he had crossed the line with me and would have had to accept, yes accept that it was either one thing or the other and no other choice available, this would have meant he decided to choose, he would have responded one way or the other. Yet again a disgrace, that due to someone being off sick no alternative plan is put in action that may be necessary for the protection of both myself and youngest and so eldest might find the visits so stressful he will retaliate and all that I am expected to do is put up with anything he may throw our way or call the Guards who will only drop him in the street and he will have a full mental breakdown if this were to happen, I really do think that this should have been thought out more, an alternative accommodation plan should have been put in first and foremost just in case. The HSE will not provide Darragh with a house key so he can walk in my house at the appointed times so eldest will know exactly who initiated this, hence my terror and fear as to the consequences, I am no drama queen, I am giving you the facts based on my experiences and my life with my son. My youngest does not need Darragh’s permission to remain in his own home and if this is how Gheel hope to proceed then it is not in the best interest of my family, you may read this as me being antagonistic but it is far from the case as I am at my wits end over all this, you have no idea at all as to how close to the edge I am with fear. I have no worries as to Darragh’s training etc; my worries are how he approaches eldest, if at all, what he will be doing in my house, what I will come home to, will I have the bottle to return home at all, what about youngests safety when Darragh leaves, it is not good enough to be told to get out and ring the Garda, Eldest will merely be pulled out of the house and dropped god knows where, he does not even know where he lives. This is just too crazy for words and I am not sure I want to agree to something that has the potential to cause huge anxiety to not just Eldest but also myself which is apparent right now and youngest too.

31^st July

I emailed my friend

“Hi Friend, All quiet here. No reply from Edel so I need to really think whether or not I go meet them on Tuesday or not. I am not so anxious now after talking to you and getting my fears told to Gheel by email. At present my mindset is I am not going to give a key to them, they can come to the house, if I am indoors then that's where I shall stay, if I have somewhere to be then I will leave but I am now at the age and experience that no one and certainly not any professional will dictate to me what I will or wont do. The plan I have in mind is to write to the Minister for Disability and inform her that I feel youngest, I and Eldest are going to be at risk re Gheel's plan and that if anything does happen then I will sue the ass of them all and let the whole world know and I really mean it too. I feel it's an absolute disgrace that in 4 or 5 weeks since my Meeting with Edel and Andy McDonnell that they could not go higher than the local Disability Manager who must have some serious illness to be off so long so that a safety net was put in place in case eldest kicked off in a big way, I know my relationship with him has broken down but the last thing I would want for him is to be carted away by the Gardai, he would never recover and neither would I.  I was chatting to youngest about it and he rarely these days comes out with anything other than "his stuff" he said "the only person who knows and cares anything about us is Friend as she is a carer too" I asked him what he meant and he said "she cares or else she would not still be talking to you after all these years" which is so true Friend and from the bottom of my heart thank you. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

1^st August

I emailed the Minister of Disabilities, Kathleen Lynch. My head is splitting.

I would have expected at the very least even an acknowledgement from the Minister of Disabilities, Kathleen Lynch but I didn't get a word in reply out of her.

2^nd August

I sent Edel of Gheel a text telling her “I'm not meeting you in the cafe and I may be in full support of the plan you have for eldest with Darragh but I will not agree to it until safe accommodation has been put in place for him. I know it will not be eldests fault if he freaks out but I ain't taking no chances of me being on the receiving end of it. You can come to the house if you like because I have a letter that Gheel may as well have a copy of as no doubt you will all hear about it”

Edel came to the house at 10am. I gave her a copy of the email I sent to Kathleen Lynch, the Disability Minister. I told her “it's not personal against you” She said “I can tell by just looking at you that you are very stressed and fearful and I understand your fears, I will call the Disability Manager and I want you to keep in touch with Deirdre whilst I'm off for three weeks” even tho I previously told Edel “I do not feel comfortable talking to Deirdre” I told her “keep the copy of my email to Kathleen Lynch and give it to Gheel so they are not surprised if her office gets in touch with you because I'm straight as a dye” she said “I know that” She was still pushing me for Darragh to come into the house as planned and wanted me to list 10 things I would like to do, I said “I do not need to list anything, I want my son who I'm scared of, who has been violent to me, who abuses me at will verbally and by email and I never know if he's going to hit me as he often threatens to, out of my house which is what I told Andy, which is why I went to meet him, which is what I was told would be sent by letter to the HSE and I am still waiting on a copy of that letter”

I checked on line and my results were in from the Open University. I passed my exams. I cannot believe it. I went on the open University online forums to see if the rest of my group passed too and they had and are all going out partying, the lucky buggers. All I have is another night sat at home where I do not even feel safe.

My eldest sent me couple of abusive emails telling what he thinks of me “I hope you die a slow and painful death and hope I am the one to do it” and more such shit. I replied “I don't care, leave me alone”

3^rd August

Text from Edel “a new letter will be sent out to eldest re new plan” what fucking new plan. She said she has “spoken to the Disability Managers secretary, the Disability Manager is still not back at work but the General Manager, Sheila Marshal has been made aware of the case”

I went nuts at that text, it is nothing but bullshit on top of bullshit from them. I sent her a reply text “ So this means that no alternative accommodation plan has even been looked at re an emergency basis which is my biggest worry, this means that nothing has changed at all. I am still in the exact same position with the exact same possible outcome that almost drove me demented with fear over the weekend. Just goes to show that no one cares at all and I don't mean you. I know your hands are tied but I repeat if anything happens to eldest, youngest or me as a result of your plan I will go straight to the news and my solicitor if I'm still actually alive that is”

No reply from Edel.

I emailed S the Advocate

“Hi S, Edel did not reply to the second email I sent to her so I lost the head and after fretting all weekend I sent an email on Monday to the Minister of Disabilities stating that I'm in full support of the plan Gheel have but that it could and should have happened last year after a serious crisis and I am not letting it go ahead until eldest has a place of safety to go to if he kicks off again, I am not happy about just letting him be carted away by the Garda, I would not be able to live with myself. I sent Edel a text at 9am yesterday asking her to come to house, that I was not going ahead with their plan of action and I would give her a copy of the letter I emailed to the Minister Kathleen Lynch, she was very good about it all, understands etc and will immediately ring the (off sick) disability managers manager. FFS, why oh why could they not have done this 4 weeks ago when I first got told the person was off sick. I have said that Darragh can come to the house for the 2 hours tomorrow if they have made the phone call to the the HSE as I am not prepared for eldest to have full mental breakdown and lash out and me and his brother and him having no where to go. If someone has previously had the Garda take 4 hours to diffuse a situation with a 20 inch bloody carving knife then I'm taking no chances re the well being of me or youngest. Edel was great but I suspect the shit will have hit the fan with the higher up's, I know I need to stop fighting these people S but I'm taking no chances of being attacked again. Gheel themselves stated that eldest operates at very high anxiety level normally so the alternative should have been sought in tandem with their plan.   Oh and I passed my Open Uni exams, I now have letters after my name, think I will stick to P.R.A.T tho for the time being:) Thanks S

I rang the lady at Cross care and told her “ I'm going insane due to Gheel and all they promise and then they do the fucking opposite” I asked her “can I send you all my correspondence so far with this new situation” She said yes. 

When she rang me back she told me “you have been very clear in all you say” She is going to “talk to a Child Protection Officer she knows to see what, if any advise" she can get for me.

Text from Edel of Gheel at 5.39pm : "Sorry bout delayed reply. I had to travel to a meeting in the afternoon. In relation to the plan we formulated, we can put back commencement date until accommodation in case of an emergency for eldest is organised, I will call tomorrow as planned at 1pm if that's ok with you as support meeting and we will not commence with Darragh until I'v been able to contact disability manager and we are sure of plan re accommodation"

I had no credit to reply to her so I sent her an email instead. I'm still fuming about how she words thing “in relation to the plan we formulated” I had no part in this whatsoever but a huge weight has been lifted from me now but why, oh fucking why, didn't she listen to me in the first place, it's my house. I'm the parent. I live with this, they don't, so why the fuck are they over riding all I said needs to happen. Useless bastards. I am so confused, what the hell do I have to do to get this ended. They have all just ignored Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations, they got me to attend a meeting because I was roaring that I'm not having eldest live with me any more, they agreed, they said they would write to the HSE, they even told me what they would write to the HSE, “these guys are the hardest to live with on the planet” and they know I now have two sons with Aspergers and Christ knows what else, they said they would get me and youngest away on a break and that has not been mentioned either, I have been told at least three times now that Edel will speak to the Disability Manager then kept getting told she was off work sick. I was told there was no stand in for her but the General Manager had been “made aware of the case” This is my and my fucking kids lives here, not some “case” so why the fuck is the General Manager not doing some donkey work for a change. Who the hell is helping families like mine North of the City. It looks like no one is. THE BASTARDS.

4^th August

Was in town for 9am. The lady from Cross care rang me. She said “well done on holding out for what you want” I told her “I don't trust Gheel any more at all, all I get is changing of goal posts and changing of stories and now I know that the carer who is fucking falling apart means nothing to them at all” She told me “to stay strong” I love talking to that lady.

Edel came to the house at 1pm. I told her “I no longer trust Gheel at all after you all put me thru so much stress trying to force a support worker into my house and not listening to a bloody word I said until I contacted Kathleen Lynch the politician. I have practically begged for help and supports since April 2009 in Dublin and been left to cope solo with horrendous happenings and continual abuse and not one thing has been done about Dr Shah report and immediate recommendations, what was the point of possibly thousands being spent on getting such a renowned expert over from the UK for you all to just ignore her expertise, what was the point of me meeting her and the Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell then being told one thing then it all got changed to something completely different, what part of I do not want my son living with me do none of you get, it is me and me alone who gets the brunt of his fury, angst, anxiety, his fist, a knife, his boot. All Gheel do is stress me out even further and I do not need it. Why have you all just sat back and waited till my relationship with my son has completely broken down and made me a broken woman, is that why you you all sat back and did fuck all because you knew this would happen so you could all then step in and take over and get paid massive bucks to do so because you lot don't actually care about my son at all do you, you lot don't care about me at all and why was no plan put in place during the small window of opportunity when my eldest told the Garda he would meet with professionals in the house, why did no one come to the house then”

Everything I said to Edel from Gheel, every point I put to her, every question I asked her was not answered by her at all, all was just skirted around and deflected, in fact she asked me questions instead of answering any of mine. How the fuck do any of these people get to work with vulnerable people at all is beyond me. I told her “it's as plain as the nose on my face, it's very simple. I want my eldest out of my house and for him to have professional help and not just try and replace me in my own home and telling me that I need to be out of my house as does my youngest” I asked her twice “why leave it to get this stage resulting in my relationship breaking down with my son, why was no plan put in place last year when eldest agreed to meet professionals after the knife incident” The answer was a load of waffle and no real answer given. She said “I will get Deirdre from Gheel to contact you” Why I have no fucking idea, nor was it explained. Total fucking waste of my time.

I will just have to carry on as best as I can. Once my health is back on form I will deal with my kids, then my life and then with those professional idiots. Every one of them.

5^th August

Eldest is sick, he asked youngest to get him 2 Xanax because he has stomach pains. There has been no communication with me or eldest for 7 weeks now. It kills me not to be talking to him.

8^th August

Eldest seems to be fine again, he's eaten cereal and is on his exercise bike.

9^th August

Deirdre at Gheel sent me a text asking if she could ring me. What followed was the most uncomfortable conversation I ever had with anyone and everyone who knows me knows I never lack conversation with anyone. I am like a budgie, I chat to anyone and everyone. That one isn't a talker at all. There was no flow of conversation, it was like a tick box exercise, in fact I know it was because she asked me “how would you rate your mood at present” is she taking the piss or what, when did I become someone's patient. I've found that most psychologists and psychiatrists I've met all have some kind of social problem themselves which is bloody ironic. She asked me “how is youngest” long pause from her then “how is eldest” long pause again before she said “try and make sure you go out” what a total waste of time. I'd already told Edel that I didn't want Deirdre as my support but who the hell am I. Gheel do not listen. And she is to be my “support” for the next 3 weeks. God give me strength. How is asking scripted questions as if I am her “patient” followed by long pauses construed as support.

10^th August

I'm awake at 3.45am, my eyes are crossed with tiredness.

I went to the GP for tablets for eldests stomach pains. I got told “they're discontinued” I said “they are not, my son had them recently” the doctors receptionist had written them down wrong. I got his Buscupan. Made lunch, then dinner. I am bored and lonely and absolutely skint.

Youngest said he was asking eldest if he could borrow money to buy himself a new DS because it came with 20 free games. He got the money from eldest. I asked him “how are you going to pay it back” he said “I don't know” I said “that's not on” all youngest could answer me with was “well I have no money of my own to buy it” I felt like shouting at him go without then but my kids are so used to getting all they ask for.

He got €250 from eldest and eldest wanted money put onto his 3V card whilst youngest was out which meant I had to go up to Tesco again to withdraw his money from the Credit Union then go in to town with youngest. Fuck it. I am so tired.

12^th August

Eldest wanted more money put on his 3V card. He freaked me out this morning by walking into my room when I was still in bed saying “youngest, youngest” even tho he was looking straight at me, he didn't even knock on my door. Youngest was in the bath. Very strange him doing that.

13^th August

T came to the house, she asked if I could baby sit her daughter and the child's dad will drop her off to me at 8.30pm. I had a lovely night with J, it was great having child in the house. T collected her on Sunday.

16^th August

I had headaches and flashing lights in both my eyes and dizziness that almost made me keel over so I went to my doctor. My arthritis is also back with a vengeance and I'm having neuralgia attacks weekly now, my muscles are so painful and I'm worried that this is sign of fibromyalgia returning again. I'm simply falling apart. I've had my share of run ins with my doctor, scratch that, I've had run ins with almost everyone I have come across the past few years, I sometimes think this is only where I get my energy from to keep going. I saw the GP at 4pm. I gave him a list of what was wrong with me “I've had 5 attacks of Neuralgia in my head and face and I've not had that happen for years. All my muscles are hurting, I'm frightened this means I'm having an attack of Fibromyalgia” the doctor said “you don't have that” I said “the bloody Rheumatology Hospital in Manor Hamilton told me I have it and Osteoarthritis so yes I do bloody have it” He told me “it's all stress related” and “I could never do what you have to do or live how you have to live” “he asked “why don't just walk away, just leave, even if it means the boys learn nothing else except the realisation of all that you do for them, they are running you into the ground” I said “no I can't and I do not play games so just leaving to make them realise anything is not an option” He said “just walk away then because you cannot continue like this” He lifted my arm and started rocking it back and forth and told me “look at a point on the ceiling, I'm going to hypnotise you to relax you, I want you to imagine your being rocked in your mother's arms” I stopped him and asked him “are you taking the piss, my mother abandoned me into care at 5 months old” he chuckled and said “well imagine your in a rocking chair then” I told him “get off me I don't have €50 to pay you for this and no matter what you do I still have to return home and I'm fucked off about everything and I know all my symptoms put together are physical and not just stress” but he wrote me a prescription for anti depressants anyway. He said “you need to leave for your sanity and health because you cannot go on much longer” he said “I know you don't like anti depressants but promise me that you will at least try them to see if they can help” I told him “I'm not depressed, there's no imbalance of any chemicals in my brain, it's my living circumstances that need changing” He laughed a lot at my speech, he said “give them a try even tho I know you wont” I got up to leave. I said “your wrong about possible depression but you're right about my sanity and health but the difference is I am a mammy and most mammy's do not leave” “He laughed and told me “take care” “you too” I said. I left feeling like shit and looking like a bag of rats. I feel so ill.

I went to bed early but kept waking up coughing with pains in every muscle and joint of my body and a temperature that was going up and down making my menopausal hot flushes worse.

17^th August

I've woken up very grumpy. I want a break from all of this. I am seriously pissed of at Gheel. Two months ago now since I told them I want eldest out of my house and looked after, what do they do, fucking ignore me and come up with a plan to get me and youngest out the house and not for any break as I was told by them, it seems to be okay to invade MY space and MY privacy but not to listen to me.

18^th August

Went with youngest to the GP to have his medical report filled in regards his diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, they had a chat about it, about what medication could possibly help his social anxiety, the doctor told him “you're very well read on medical matters” he then looked at me and said “how are you coping” I told him “guess” he laughed and said “you must look after you first” I laughed then told him “I can't believe my youngest has this” and the most painful of a hard lump formed in my throat and he could see I was getting emotional and he asked me “do have someone you can talk it over with” I said “not until I get it straight in my own head first because I still cant grasp it and I don’t want to grasp it either” he nodded his head. I told him “all I have in my life are professionals and they are well used to giving out bad news then not giving a toss about the person, I said you must do the same and we'll walk out and the next patient will walk in and you won't remember everyone you've seen in one day” He said “Anne, no one could ever forget you” and he laughed. As I left I told him childishly “it's not fair” then I did my usual of spinning it around with humour, a rather dark humour. I told him “it's bad enough having one child with this syndrome but it's bloody careless of me to have two” the doctor laughed and said “take care of yourself” and I walked out with youngest who now had his stamped medical report that stated he has Aspergers Syndrome and the "severe" box was ticked.

We got out to street level and the birds were singing and people were going about their business and my youngest was chatting away to me about “all medications I've read about and I'm going to find one that will cure me” even tho he knows I've been searching for years now for a miracle cure for my eldest.

I stopped and sat on a wall outside DID Electrical. I could physically feel what was left of my heart shattering inside my chest wall, this is not how it should be, he should have finished school by now, he should have many friends both male and female because he's such a nice young boy, no, that's wrong because he's now a man legally, he shouldn't have to depend on his mam at this age to take him here and there, to talk to, to confide in, he should be out in the big wide world and having fun, living a life. He sat down next to me on the wall and asked me “what's wrong” I said “nothing's wrong” but then I cried and told him “everything is wrong” and I cursed like a trooper, it all came out of me, fuck fuck, bollix bollix, bastards bastards, bullshit fuckers, fat hairy fucking turds, on and on I swore like a navvy. My youngest laughed and I laughed but I was still crying. Youngest hugged me and then we went for food shopping.

On my eldests medical report the "profound" box is ticked. My heart is in shreds for them both.

Youngest told me “I need to see the doctor again to get specific meds to cope with my social anxiety” He's already had Lyrica and Xanax for it. I got him an appointment for 3.50pm but he wasn't given what he'd asked for, he was given beta blockers and told a referral letter would be sent to the psych place where he could ask the Psychiatrist there if they would prescribe what he was asking for. Off course youngest said nothing to the doctor about what he'd been told, instead he waited till we left then he started on me “what a cunt that doctor is and he knows nothing about medication to help me” he now believes he's an expert on all medications because he's investigated and read all about them online. He makes my head hurt and he never knows how to lower his volume or how boring he sounds ranting and raving.

20^th August

Youngest came to town with me. I bought him a mechanical pencil and an expensive (to me) pen and a fancy notebook, he said “thanks” We wandered round the shops but within ten minutes he was in a bad mood and on his soap box about “cunts” in the town and our poverty. I would love to knock him out.

23^rd August

Feeling so ill with a flu type bug, I hurt all over worse than before. I've never had the flu, only colds. I walked to the local chemist with youngest and bought myself Night Nurse.

26^th August

Youngest has the major hump with me after we were messing about, he was throwing socks in my face whilst I was folding up the laundry, I picked up the Febreze and sprayed him as he was running up the stairs but he had no top on so it landed on his back, you would have thought that I'd just stuck a knife in him, he went mental, screaming “you are a cunt” he was chanting that word right into my face then told me to “fuck off”

My friend rang, hearing her kind voice had me crying down the phone to her telling her “I don't give a shit who hears me but I want them both out of my house now because they are both nuts and I will not be called a cunt one more day in my own house or ever told to fuck off ever again” I said “they can both go off and abuse someone else” She calmed me down.

My temperature has shot up, my head is splitting and pounding, my chest is so bad, all muscles are killing me and I'm sweating like a pig. I had to go to bed at 4pm then woke up at 9pm feeling like crap.

27^th August

I believe it's now official, my children are rotten to the core, they have their father running thru them like a stick of seaside rock. They are a pair of abusive bastards, roaring and swearing in my face like I'm a piece of shit on their shoe then go into a sulk for days or weeks on end and lambaste me for not talking to them!! blame me for their sulking, then cause a drama to bring me to heel then tell any fucker who will listen, that all to do with them is my fault, well fuck them, I'm only guilty of giving birth to them and rearing them and keeping us all together when I was at my lowest point and constantly fighting their father thru the courts to get my and our legal rights but the courts system fucking failed me just as much as the agencies I've had in our lives and the HSE fucking failed us and my sons have the pure cheek to treat me as they like. I'm supposed to put up with this crap from them, well no way, not any more, I don't need this, want this, deserve this, imagine if it was me doing and saying to them what they do and say to me, I would be had up in a court of law, the spiteful, childish bastards that they are. I hope they get a taste of their own medicine one day, I hope they hate it as much as I do and I hope all their treatment of me slaps them in the face one day and makes them realise all they did one day but I doubt it because they are as mad and sad and bad as their mental father, no one else matters to them but them, they would sell their kith and kin to save their own sorry asses, they don't even look out for one another, they do not feel any love for one another and they have certainly proved they feel no love for me, they despise, hate and lie, but can keep up such an act for the outside of the house world, well fuck them from here on in. No one would believe the way they talk to me, scream at me, call me names that sear my very soul, they hold me hostage once they have self medicated, frequently in eldests case and force me to listen to all his shit, his boring, his I could not give a fuck shit. And some poor woman one day will be standing in my shoes, if that day comes I will warn them fully what they are in for because no one whilst I have breath in my body will walk into any relationship with men like them and not have her eyes wide open as to how they are, how they really are, they are all front till they think they are safe and get away with it, ABUSERS. DOMESTIC ABUSERS. They wouldn't have the balls to abuse anyone outside the home that is why the word DOMESTIC is used. I will warn any girl they meet because no one deserves this treatment. I am ashamed of them both. No more will I fight their battles and get not an ounce of gratitude or thanks.

Sometimes in life it can be the tiniest thing that can tip you right over the edge.

I've been ill for a week now, my so called diagnosed depression turned out to be full blown flu. I couldn't move. I couldn't eat or cook. I could do nothing. I thought I was dying but being the martyr that I've become I still made sure both lads were fed which fed the flames of inner fury in me. When you are fragile and vulnerable and sorry for yourself everything feels heightened. I have the flu for the first time in my life and it has knocked me sideways. I hurt all over and have a cough like a growling and barking dog, my eyes and nose are running like a stream and not one offer have I had of any help in the house or offer to go shopping, not a cup of tea have I been asked if I would like, not once have I been asked if I'm okay, if I need anything or if they can do anything for me, not a dish has been washed or an offer made to wash them. They could not even feed the cats or the dog nor give them water, the selfish, self absorbed bastards, they would let you die in front of their eyes and not lift a finger to help. I never in my life had to take to my bed ill, yes I have taken to my bed for a couple of hours but I always got up, cleaned the house, sorted my animals and done all for them cooking food and shopping for them, even when ill or I had a bad back I always got out and got their shopping in, I always plodded along, more fool me. I have been so ill for 8 days now and I've had enough of them.

I got out of bed, still so very ill and there wasn't a drop of milk in the house for my cup of tea, I don't even speak till I've had my two cups of tea in the morning but when I went to bed there were 4 pints of milk in the fridge and I cursed the pair of them, the selfish bollix. So that is what tipped me over the edge and I took myself off on the train to T's and left them a note saying “I'm going out, I may or may not be back tomorrow and there is €30 in an envelope on the mantle piece, the fridge, the freezer and cupboards are full, if you need anything you can go out and get it for yourselves and do not phone me because my phone will be off”

Let them get on with it, I no longer care and they certainly do not care about me.

I got the train to T's. I went thru two boxes of tissues on that long journey due to my eyes and nose streaming so much. My head was emptying all mucus from my body via my eyes and nose constantly. A nice lady asked me if I was okay and would I like one of her anti histamines, I told her “I don't have an allergy, it was a head cold that went onto my chest and now it's full blown flu but I am going to my adopted daughters to be looked after”

T met me at the train station She said “god mam I have never seen you look so ill” she said “you look deflated, defeated and all done in and I don't think you have anything left to give,you need to start looking after yourself” I knew she was right, I just didn't know how to do it any more. She took me straight to the chemist to buy Actifed and painkillers and took me to her house, she made me to lie down and covered me with a blanket and lit a fire, it was peace perfect peace. She chased the kids out to play and I told her “I no longer care about my sons, they have killed slowly over time all the love I gave them and felt for them, I've been a total fool of a woman” T said “it's because you're all done in now and you really need to start putting yourself first” I told her “when I went to the doctor, even he told me to just walk away and said he couldn't do what I do or live as I've had to live without supports, services or a break, a shoulder to cry on” T said “please don't go back, I will take you to the council here for emergency housing and you can stay with me for as long as you need”

I told T “no one, not one person will ever know what it's like to live with my sons, it's a daily non stop onslaught of abuse and threats and can come out of the blue and floor me but they are perfect gentlemen to anyone outside of the house and the old saying I was once told about their father keeps coming into my head “street angel, house devil” because it describes them so aptly, they have made my life hellish, they control me, youngest tells me when to talk and when not to talk, not to sing and not to even whistle when I'm out of the house and he always acts and looks as miserable as sin and embarrasses me in the street in front of people when he hasn't got a testicle big enough to defend himself but expects me to defend him at all times and when I'm out of the house it's the only time I can be me, I get to talk to people but when youngest is with me he brings me down, he constantly criticises me, he starts arguments just so he can rant and rave, dictate to me and inform me of all I am and all I should be doing and not doing” T said “I've noticed that a few times with him” she said “he starts off by asking a question about something but then very quickly turns it into an argument” she said “he's a clever fucker twisting things around to his own advantage and he knows what he's doing” “ She said “I've had to walk away many times because I would have ripped into him but didn't because I didn't want to upset you and I cannot stand people who play the sick role, the I have a disability so be nice to me but I will not be nice to you role” she said “I would love to ask him if he would swap places with someone with an obvious disability who cannot get out of a bed, who has to be washed, fed and shit where they lie, now that is a real disability” she said “I'm sorry mam but I've watched them ground you down so much and I cannot stand to see it, you are so assertive with everyone else but not with them”

I told T “I'm sick of professionals doing jack shit and forcing me, making me accept their way of doing things despite me telling them 8 weeks ago that I'm not doing this any more and want eldest out of my house so how the hell they have changed from going to send a letter to HSE because “these guys hardest to live with on the planet” to sending someone into my house and me and my youngest have to be out of it, is beyond me, the lying uncaring bastards” I asked “why the hell were they not in full support of getting eldest housed elsewhere after the knife incident, I formally asked Edel from Gheel this but she's well trained in the art of deflection, she never gives a straight answer to a simple question yet I know they're getting paid by the HSE on our behalf and Edel gave me some bullshit that they all had to wait until I was ready, fall apart more like, which is a fucking disgrace, I would not have fallen apart, I would not be falling apart if I had support and had what Dr Shah recommended and my boys had the services they deserve, it's cruel”

I told her “youngest exploded at me after he was throwing socks in my face and then I sprayed him with the Febreze I had in my hands and you would have thought it was acid the roars out of him but to be called cunt repeatedly then him shutting himself away in his bedroom and ignoring me telling him his dinner was ready is blatant abuse and pig ignorance, how would they like me to fucking explode at them both” T said “that is what you should have done years ago and it would have put manners on them”

The Actifed began to work and the sleep I had and the peace and quiet in her house did wonders for me as did getting to talk to T frankly with no fear and no need to whisper. I do not want to go back to them but I know I have to.

29^th August

T drove me to the train station. She said “take no shit and put them out if there is one wrong word out of them and tell Gheel to get their fingers out if they are so adamant eldest stays at home, tell them to take him home with one of them”

It was a long journey going back, it always is. I had no idea what I was walking back into but I do know it's my house and I will have what I want in my own house which is peace, quiet, privacy and NO MORE ABUSE OF ANY KIND FROM MY OWN CHILDREN. I need, want and deserve better than this, they can go to hell.

The Actifed and painkillers made me cross eyed with tiredness, all I wanted was my bed. I switched my phone back on when I got to Connolly station then my phone started ringing immediately, it was from my house land line. I didn't answer it. I would only say things out of all the anger I still felt so there was no point answering at all. I knew it would be youngest. Eldest “doesn't do phones” or so he says, it's a good excuse anyway. I don't know why youngest is ringing me at all, he ignored me for 8 days of me being ill so why would he want to talk to me now.

T sent me a text “youngest has been on the phone telling me you have been missing for 24 hours” I said “he's talking bullshit, people who go missing do not leave notes explaining “I'm going out, I may or may not be back tomorrow and there is €30 in an envelope on the mantle piece, the fridge and the freezer and cupboards are full, if you need anything you can go out and get it for yourselves and do not phone me because my phone will be off” so it sounds like drama seeking to me” she texted me again saying “he sounded worried but I told him I hadn't seen you” I replied “I wish you would have told him the truth” she texted “if he calls me back I will do so, as long as I can give him a piece of my mind due to the state I saw you in and all you told me and all I've seen and heard with my own eyes for years”

I then had a call from an unknown number. I ignored it.

I got back to the house at 1pm. Just as I was coming thru the front door, eldest was going into the kitchen but he didn't see me or hear me. I sat in the living room with my coat on because if they said a word to me in abuse I would leave immediately. I sat on the couch for an hour, they didn't come near me but they must have heard me coughing.

They both came out of the kitchen and went upstairs. I put the kettle on and noticed half the dishes had been washed and were still wet on the drainer so someone must have been interrupted half way thru. I sat on the back door step and someone walked into the kitchen. I knew I was clearly seen but not a word to me was said. Five minutes later youngest asked me “can I have my medical card” I got it from my hand bag and not a word of thanks nor a word of sorry came out of his mouth to me, he went out the front door with a ruck sack on his back.

T then rang me and said “he did call me again and I gave it to him straight, I told him how shocked I was when I saw you get off the train and how ill you looked, I told him I nearly cried because never in all these years have I seen you look so ill and down beaten. I told him the pair of you are a disgrace, you do nothing for your mother and how dare you both treat her like you do. He told me he's suffering from depression and she disrespected me in front of a social worker” (I have never spoken or seen a social worker about him or in front of him) T said “him saying that got me roaring at him “you don't know the meaning of depression, I've had it all my life and all I know and have seen is you are nothing but a lazy bollix, get out and get yourself a job and help your mother financially instead of sitting watching her kill herself minding you two 24 hours a day” He again said “she disrespected me” T said to him “you screamed in her face that she was a cunt repeatedly, that is your mother and you call her a cunt, she has fought tooth and nail to keep you all together and raise you when she would have been better off walking away and leaving you both, you are adults, she is never out of the court to get justice for you all and faces that lunatic each time she goes to the court, all the time, every year since she had to come back to Ireland for eldest and this is how she gets repaid by you both, you are disgraceful”

I told T what just happened when I walked in and told her “youngest walked out after getting his medical card” she said “that's been done to get you worrying and it's emotional blackmail” I said “I know, it happens all the time but I'm not fit for it and I'm going to bed because I'm dog tired, I do feel a bit better but I'm still ill”

I went up to bed and looked in youngests room, it was like a pig sty but I did notice he had taken his netbook out with him. I seriously struggled financially to buy him that because he wanted it so badly even tho I'd already bought him a laptop.

I quickly fell asleep, not a word from eldest was spoken to me. I woke up to my front door and windows getting banged non stop. I was confused. I only had a pyjama top on and knickers. Eldest is too lazy to answer a phone never mind the door. I shouted from the stairs “who is it” the reply was “who the fuck do you think it is” If I had been fully awake and more alert I would have just left him out there and called the Garda to take him away but all I did was open the door, I saw youngests key was still on the key holder in the hall. I assume I was supposed to have noticed this earlier and get worried but I didn't so it didn't work as he probably wanted it to. He probably thought I would be ringing him as I normally would do but I didn't, I had gone to bed because I'm ill and needed sleep. I think he expected me to believe he'd run away and expected me to act accordingly, it obviously had not worked. I am well past all his nonsense now due to his verbal abuse and disrespect of me as according to him “all women are cunts and whores”

I went back to bed and sent the lady at Cross care a text saying “I seriously need help and I'm not getting it from Gheel and I cannot cope any more and I want my sons out of my house. I want to live on my own in peace and in quiet before I end up insane” The lady rang me and I told her everything.

I rang L, my family court support and asked her “what do I do to get eviction forms to get my sons out of my house” She said she would find out and call me tomorrow.

I rang a Housing Welfare Officer and left a message that I needed to talk to her about my sons and my home situation.

I made them dinner and called them down for it. Not a word out of them and the dinner was left to go to waste in the kitchen. No wonder I cannot stand them any more. A saint would have become a sinner years earlier.

30^th August

I woke up in the night god knows how many times so I ended up getting out of bed and going down stairs.

I had an email from youngest saying “I am seriously mentally ill, depression is poisoning my brain and I walked around looking for a Psychiatric Hospital for 5 hours but could not find one”

That is nonsense because he was not gone for 5 hours and why would he have taken his netbook with him. I went into his room and woke him up. I told him “I will go to the doctor with you to find out what's wrong with you” he gave me a hug and said “I'm sorry about everything” Deep down I know what he emailed me is bollix, I know he could so very easily have found a hospital online, I know this is a fishing line to reel me in again to be his defence, his shield, his old mammy, I know all his tricks but I will still take him to the doctor.

31^st August

Spent all morning with youngest at the GP who took one look at me and wrote me a prescription for antibiotics. I told him why youngest “wants to see you and I do not care if you prescribes him Smarties but you need to give him something to help him because I'm hanging on by a thread with all he does and says to me” and I showed him the email youngest had written. I then left to let youngest talk in private to him and when he came out he had a prescription of anti depressants called Lexapro.

I was supposed to go and meet the solicitor today because yet again I'm back in court thanks to the ex and his puerile efforts to fight everything, fuck me, if he had put as much effort into his marriage, things might have been different. No, they would not because I still would have left him, abusers never change but due to taking youngest to the doctor I had to cancel my appointment. I rang her and she said “there never seems to be any let up for you at all” I said “you are right about that”

Got home from the doctor with youngest and eldest was throwing up and said he had been sick for almost 12 hours. I knew he would have to go to the hospital. I asked him if I could help him, he told me “fuck off” I said “I will leave you alone in the hospital if I get one more word of abuse out of you”

I didn't feel guilty saying that to him. I felt proud of myself for taking back the parent role, in hindsight it was a cruel thing to say to him because it would have caused his already high anxiety to go higher but at the time I was on a slippery slope going hell for leather downwards but didn't know it at the time. I was juggling too much and something was going to give.

Edel from Gheel rang me, when I told her about eldest, she said “call him an ambulance, I will talk to Peter, (the CEO of Gheel) and meet you at the hospital because I think all that's recently happened will just cause you a total breakdown”

How I would pull this off I had no idea, I didn't want to be alone with eldest in public after no communication for so long. I was still recovering myself, still feeling weak and fragile and was worried and horrified at the thought of eldest telling me what he thought about me in a public arena so I told Edel “if one word comes out of his mouth in abuse to me I will walk out of the hospital and wash my hands off him” and I truly meant it. He and I had not spoken in 12 weeks now, it's a power struggle with him and self protection mode with me and it's bloody awful especially when someone like me can talk all day long about everything and anything. I had so much to tell him, to say to him, to share with him but I didn't, he crossed the line, he used up his last life as the old saying about cats goes.

I rang for an ambulance and they turned up quickly, eldest was still throwing up and it's extremely difficult to reach out and sympathise with someone when their first instinct is to tell you “fuck off” so I simply sat and said nothing at all.

We were sitting in the middle of chaos in accident and emergency, trolleys were everywhere yet they were still managing to fit more trolleys in. Eldest sat on a chair under very bright fluorescent lights with his head down vomiting into a bag. I quickly went to find a doctor to explain the situation because he would not be able to handle all this and I would not be able to handle him. I was basically told in polite language tough, we're too busy and have nowhere quiet for him to go that would ease his sensory issues.

A little old lady on one of the trolleys constantly shouted out for a “nurse” she was ignored but she caught my eye because I was the closest person near her and she let rip and gave me the biggest belly laugh I had in years "Nine fucking kids I have and not one of them comes near or by me" She proceeded to lambaste her kids to me peppered with swearing. That'll be me one day I thought. I went to get her water and told her “you're a real tonic and if you need anything just give me a shout if you see me”

Edel of Gheel came to the hospital and got pro active, she talked to the nurses and eldest was seen and given an injection, we were encouraged by them to wait in the reception area that was also jam packed with people but wasn't as busy as accident and emergency. I was encouraged by Edel to go off and get a cup of tea, to have a break, but in my hurry to get to the hospital I had no money but I wandered outside anyway and realised I was scared and scared for eldest having now had serious agoraphobia for 5 plus years was bad enough, having Aspergers in severe form and all that entailed with sensory issues of light, sound etc, his phobia of needles, of people, his non stop sickness, the awful pain he's been in and is in now, having to leave the sanctuary of his room, his home, I was scared he would be abusive or aggressive to Edel or to me, I was scared that I will lose it myself. I for once in my whole life did not feel strong enough for this. I'm sick of fighting for everything, sick of fighting everyone, sick of explaining to everyone, sick of fighting for him, I am just sick full stop.

Having arrived by ambulance at 1.30pm he was eventually seen at 6pm, he had blood tests, he had x-rays and had a drip put in his arm.

A nurse who came on shift was making herself busy and told me and Edel “only one family member is allowed” and I bit my lip because I now had no working off switch when dealing with twats. Edel took the nurse aside and explained why she was there, the nurse then apologised, Edel told her “everyone is different and it's not good to just make assumptions and upset people who are already in such a stressful situation” The nurse said sorry again.

Why anyone would think people just want to spend a day in casualty for the hell of it is beyond me. The nurse was then acting like our new best friend and told us “some blood results are now back and aren't good, his liver levels are very high” Eldest returned from the toilet and the nurse walked away and my head felt like it was about to explode, this was serious, oh my god, he doesn't touch alcohol, he was in this very hospital as an emergency in June and was told he was a mystery yet he had all the same symptoms, what the hell was going on.

The nurse returned and said “he's going to be admitted but I've no idea when because there is no bed on a ward as yet” Eldest said “no” I said “no, it's now midnight, I have my youngest at home, you were not concerned about him in June, you showed no concern about him for the past 11 hours, you have done nothing about his special needs” and my eldest got agitated at my agitation and stood up and demanded “remove the needle from my arm now” a different nurse explained why he needed to stay. I said “stay where, in this chaos, how is that going to help, I'm taking him home and will bring him back in the morning” they at last got the picture and we were put in a quiet area, eldest was on a trolley bed and all the lights were switched off, my head was pounding. Edel went off to find a garage open that would sell cups of tea but she returned empty handed because everywhere was closed.

I was amazed and very grateful at Edel staying with us all that time, she went over and beyond the call of duty and I know for a fact that things as bad as they were would have been so much worse if she did not get pro active on our behalf with the over worked staff and with an over emotional mammy.

At 2.30am, a consultant arrived, he apologised “there is no bed on a ward but he should have peace and quiet where he now is, we need more tests done in the morning, so he's in the best place for now” Eldest was then given a strong pain killing injection and Edel said she would drive me home so I could collect all needed for him for however long he would remain in hospital.

I was distraught leaving him there in an alien environment, the past 3 months of silent war with him no longer mattered, he's my son. I walked up to his head and held him and kissed his forehead, I have not touched him in so long, I still recognise his smell, from his skin, from his hair, from my womb, he's my son and I love him, that love may have been dormant, it may have been ground down and not what I suspected, killed, it's still there, he assured me “I'll be okay, I can go to sleep now that the pain has gone” I promised him “I will return as quickly as I can”

The nurse in charge touched me on the arm as I was leaving and told me not to “worry too much” because she saw me crying, she said “we will take good care of him until you get back”

Edel dropped me home at nearly 3am.

Youngest was still awake. I quickly packed a bag with all I thought eldest would need and top of that list was his studio head phones that drowns out external noise and his kindle. I lay fully clothed on top of my bed and listened to my Crystal Angels CD and before I knew it, it was 5am so I jumped up thinking I'd had the strangest dream before I realised it wasn't a dream at all and got myself into a bath and back up to the hospital hoping and praying eldest was okay and still asleep and not in pain.

I heard him before I seen him. He was roaring like a bull and retching audibly and violently, he was roaring for help but because he was in an isolated area away from the main accident and emergency no one went near him except, as he told me, “to hand me a sick bag and put a drip into me” I was on my own and despite very little sleep my anger on his behalf gave me back some well needed energy. He verbally purged himself of all his anger in no uncertain terms towards me. I went to get a nurse, I was as mad as hell but that wouldn't get me anywhere, his pain needed to be controlled so he was given an injection. The consultant came surrounded by his eager to learn team and my eldest let rip at them, he had so much anger in him. I took the consultant aside and explained why eldest was like he was and why he must be treated differently and asked why did no one seems to know or care about his special needs. I was assured by the consultant that “firstly his pain control will be given top priority”

The medical problem I was told “it seems to be gall stones which are blocking his bile duct and this is causing the extreme sickness and the very bad pain but we are very worried about his raised liver levels, it means the blockage is dangerous and he needs to have a MRI scan and a scope down his throat but this can't be done until a bed is available because sedation is required, it's now just a matter of waiting”

We had been put in a day clinic that opens from 9am to 5pm so the staff moved eldest to the end of unit, the staff there were lovely and told me to just ask if I or eldest needed anything.

He had more injections for pain and at last looked peaceful with no pain and the sickness had now stopped. He hadn't slept since Tuesday and it's now Thursday.

A tea lady came round and apologised that no one told her we'd been here for the past 24 hours and she gave me tea and biscuits.

We were told at 4pm that they had a bed for him and it's in a room on it's own so I could stay with him and we could go once the room was ready. At 9pm we were still waiting and the staff nurse told me “I have gone ballistic to the ward staff”

We were at last on the move. The staff on the ward were wonderful and so kind. It was 10pm. I had to sleep on the floor but they got me a pillow and a blanket but it was a tiled floor and within 10 minutes the cold had seeped into my bones so there was no point in me even trying to sleep. Eldest did tho, thank god. I was so tired it felt like I was drunk.

The next day eldest got his MRI early and he coped with it fine, we were back on the ward and he was given another injection and I went home to check on youngest and to have a bath and change my clothes and then went straight back to the hospital again.

A doctor came into the room and explained all about the scope he was about to have, his throat would be sprayed, sedation would be given and they would take a biopsy of his stomach. Eldest had to sign a consent form and off we went.

I entered the theatre with him and took the chap who was going to do the procedure to one side and explained the situation and told him eldest had a high threshold for anything so would need more than the average patient, he said he understood, sedation was given and I left the room.

After five minutes a nurse came to get me quickly followed by the doctor who took me into a side room. I was told “the procedure did not go as expected, the sedation did not work” The doctor apologised, he said “He struggled non stop and I do not blame him, it must have been an awful experience for him” but did that stop them shoving the damn tube down his throat, no, did that stop them going ahead and taking the biopsy from his stomach, no, what kind of frigging world do we live in when the caring profession do not care at all, three people held him down in an attempt to just frigging carry on doing the biopsy.

When I went into eldest he was silently weeping on the bed. I reached out my arm in an attempt to comfort him but got told “fuck off” and then got called “a bastard” A porter took us back to the room in the ward and I went to find a nurse, I told her “he will need sedation because he's about to erupt” she said “the doctor will be round in minutes so you need to ask him”

I went back into eldests room and he was openly crying, he said “it was the most traumatic experience of my life, I was being sick as the tube went down and the staff didn't care, I was struggling to get them to stop but because I had a fucking mouth guard in and a tube down my throat I couldn't talk, all I could do was thrash about but they still carried on”

A female doctor then came in his room. Eldest told her what had just happened to him and told her what he thought of them all, then a male doctor came in and again eldest repeated all and told him what he thought of them all too. The male doctor said “the MRI is clear and it's definitely gall stones and the gall bladder needs to come out, his liver levels have decreased slightly but we need to keep a close eye on him and you will have to come back to the hospital as an out patient in the next two weeks for more bloods and the results of the biopsy” Eldest said “I'm going home” and the doctor said “okay. I gave the ward staff chocolates and hugged two of the very lovely nurses on the ward and we got home at 5pm.

7^th September

I'm working non stop on my court file. I had to go to the solicitors new office on Monday to have a meeting about the bank statements she'd received from the ex, all she did was flick thru some of his file and then gave the file to me to take home. I told her I am not happy with F as my legal representative.

It took me 10 hours to go thru all his bank account statements. I sent an email to the solicitor re what should be investigated and all that is missing. He now has 8 bank accounts that I know of.

Transaction from ex's bank account

Card Transaction An Post €699.57

Card Transaction An Post €139.05

Card Transaction An Post €242.38

Transfer non ref €5,432

Chaps International Cheque €2,502.45

Lodged €127,748.75 withdrew €120,000 wrote next to it “savings”

Lodged from UBFM International Payment €47,194.48

Transfer to current account €8,750

Transfer to current account €4,500

Transfer to current account €92,421.92

Balance €84,946.36

Withdrew €42,247.31

Balance left €42,705.25

Urgent transfer €5,027

22^nd October  €75,000 from London Solicitors

20^th October to 20^th November withdrew €4,944 in 4 weeks

20^th November to 19^th December  withdrew €13,873.74 in 4 weeks

(on 16^th November the ex packed in his job and sent me a woe is him email that he was living on noodles and summoned me to court to stop paying maintenance he wasn't paying)

19^th December 08 to 19^th January he withdrew £6,249.42 in 4 weeks

20^th January 09 to 19^th February  he withdrew £2,918 in 4 weeks

20^th February 09 to 19^th March  he withdrew £1,301.64

20^th March 09 to 19^th April he withdrew £6,821.24

20^th April 09 to 19^th May he withdrew £932

20^th May 09 to 19^th June withdrew £3,649.42

20^th June 09 to 19^th July he withdrew £3,160.72

20^th July 09 to 19^th August he withdrew £4,864.34

20^th August 09 to 19^th September he withdrew £5,175.22

20^th September to 19^th October he withdrew £1,835.29

All cash withdrawals are from his English Account

Cheque paid out £7,934.61

Cheque paid out £2,500

Cheque paid out £3,484.31

Urgent transfer for £5,027

No bank statement for where the £49,950 went to for sale of the English house that was in joint names and I got nothing.

Wicked, evil, mad, bastard to have all these accounts and have all this money and I was legally entitled to half of all money within the marriage and he gives not one fucking cent to me and so our kids and he has the cheek to be on the dole and got away with not declaring a cent of almost three quarters of a million euro to the state.

8^th September Court.

The place was packed out as usual. I sat with L and my youngest and in walked F even tho I've repeatedly told the solicitor that I chose her from a long list given to me by the court because she's female and I told her again yesterday that I'm not happy with F and still she didn't turn up to represent me.

F sat beside me and started talking to me about my case in full hearing of all other members of the public, letting everyone know my personal business. I told him “I will not be answering any of your questions in a public arena” He started snapping at me verbally “I can't go into court until you give me the answers I need” I ignored him. L said “I've noticed he's very short tempered and keeps biting the head of you”

The ex walked in with a ruck sack as long as his body, L said “he looks like he's just walked in from the Electric Picnic festival”

The ex didn't go up to the court for the call over, his solicitor did.

F came back down to me and told me that we had to go into court now.

The ex was “looking to have over €10,000 I owe struck out” and admitted “I have been stupid to fritter away so much money” his back account statements large file was handed to the judge.

F told the judge “this man spent €69,000 in a mere 24 weeks” the judge said “I am not wiping the arrears because the amount is far too large an amount” F said “previous judges have asked him to provide all assets in Ireland and England for a reason” and the judge said “that still stands too and he has until 5^th December to comply”

I asked for a copy of the valuation re the ex selling his share of the London property and got handed something in his brother name dated 2005 which made me say out loud “I don't believe it” F said “you either believe it or are saying we are lying” which was completely out of context and nothing to do with what I'd been reading. F was being short with me saying it in a way meaning that solicitors do not lie. I walked out in disgust.

I met J the previous stand in solicitor on the stairs. I told her “I'm sickened by the law in this country and I'm sick of F” and asked her “will you be free on December 5^th” she said “ask your solicitor if that will be okay and I'll be glad to help”

I left and went to the cafe with L and youngest. I told L “the ex is just doing all he is doing out of pure spite and revenge and all because I left him” L said “he looks a wreck and doesn't look like a man with peace of mind” She asked youngest “what do you think of your Dad” youngest said “I don't think anything of him at all, I have no connection with him and never will because he's never been a father to me and I only ever had my mum” “And she is such a good mum” said L. “I know that” said youngest and I felt chuffed to bits at that compliment because they are few and very far between. I thanked L and we left to go into town.

I bought paint in town and sent the solicitor a text about court today, She rang me at 6.29pm. I told her “I do not want F any more, even L who always accompanies me to court said he was always short tempered and taking the head of me and I will not have anyone talk down to me or discuss matters after I had told him to stop” The solicitor said “I will kill him, he is nothing but nice when I'm there, okay, he's now binned” I told her “I want and need a divorce, I need to get shot of this man once and for all” She told me “ put it in writing to me and send your permission to get copies of all court orders made in the other County court and in Dublin” I asked “why” she said “I want to prove how ridiculous that man has been bringing you to court so many times and still not provided all he's been asked to”

I spent Friday and Saturday painting. youngest told me “the colour reminds me of hospitals and I hate hospitals so you're doing it on purpose” I told him “bugger off and find someone else to annoy”

At 11.50pm I got woken up by my phone ringing, it was the ex's number. I didn't answer it and no voice mail was left.

T came to visit on Saturday night and left Sunday afternoon.

12^th September

Met S the advocate in the local cafe, I knew she had something to tell me. She did, she's leaving and wanted to tell me in person. I am gutted and will miss her greatly, she has been a tower of strength to me.

Youngest rang me from school, he said he was okay but he didn't sound okay. He said “I'm sitting in the reception area for my break” the poor lad, it's not fair that he's ostracised by them all like this and has to sit there for his own safety.

Youngest rang me again from school as I was making eldests lunch, again he did not sound right but I couldn't push the issue because he would clam up even tighter so I knew whatever was going on he would tell me when he was ready. I asked him “can you cope for the hour lunch break alone or do you want to come home” he said “come home” so I went out to meet him.

When I met him he said “I have agreed to meet Michael McCreadie at the end of the month” but he was very quiet after telling me that.

When we got home, he lay down on the couch. I wish he would tell me what was wrong because something obviously is wrong but he wasn't sharing it. He only said “I have no energy and not had any for ages and I always feel tired” I said “it might be the Lexapro meds” he said “you know nothing” I don't know why I even bother with him sometimes.

14^th September

Met youngest from school. He told me “a teacher had a chat with me about getting a form signed by you to be returned ASAP, it's for extra teaching support” I was confused because youngest is a grade A student so I'd no idea why he would be needing “extra teaching support” youngest said “I don't know either and I do not need extra teaching and I told the teacher that but she told me “get it signed anyway” youngest asked her “about the SNA I'm supposed to have so I can feel safe walking about the school from A to B as it was supposed to be set up as soon as the school had the assessment from Gheel but the teacher told me “I don't think you need that as look at you now sitting there so composed and anyway SNA's are usually only for the badly behaved in the school”

I was furious, I sent Edel from Gheel a text about it, she rang me and said “it's appalling that the woman is so ignorant judging youngest on his appearance and over riding his official assessment” she said “I will give the school a call on Friday because I believe the school needs to be fully educated on Asperger's” I told her “youngest has two school trips coming up and I'm worried sick about him being out and about with all the other pupils who just make his life hell and ignore his very existence” she told me “you cannot be worrying about things that have not happened or you will drive yourself insane” I told her “I'm going by the history and I will go insane if anything happens to youngest when he's miles away and I would rather have things put in place for his safety before hand than sit in casualty for hours afterwards” She is getting on my fucking nerves big time with her idiotic comments, She does not live my or youngests life.

15^th September

Youngest sent me a text “I forgot to take MY meds and don't know what to do” I rang him and asked “what do you want to do” he said “come home in case I get in a panic without taking my meds because I don't think I'll be able to cope” I rang the school and told them he wouldn't be in.

L rang, she got the okay from her boss to attend court with me on 5^th December, we had a long chat.

16^th September

Youngests school trip to RDS, it was lashing down with rain. I sent him a text asking if he was okay, he replied “yes but I'm on my own as usual, I found three college stalls that do Journalism Degree's”

I was on my land line to Disability for him about his application when my mobile rang non stop, one call after the other, it was youngest so I had to hang up the land line because I knew this would be an emergency.

Youngest told me “I saw the other pupils leave the RDS so I followed them and they all jumped on a bus and I didn't know what bus to get to come home and couldn't find the dart station” I told him to ask anyone he saw for directions but he told me “no, I will not ask anyone for directions”

I rang up the school from my land line keeping my youngest on my mobile and told the school “I'm not in the least bit happy with any of you because I wrote on the bottom of the consent form that I wanted reassurance for my youngests safety and welfare on this trip whilst out in public with all the pupils who hate the sight of him” A woman told me “I will get someone to call you back.

Youngest said “I can see another college” I said “go into their front desk and ask for directions to the dart station” I went on google maps at home in an attempt to help him but I couldn't work it out at all. I have never been good with maps.

Youngest said he would go and ask at the college and then he would text me when he came out so I could ring him back.

The Principal then rang me on my land line and asked me for youngests number, I said “he won't answer you because he will not recognise your number and he's in a flap at being lost” the Principal said “I will get a teacher to stand outside the RDS if youngest goes back” I told him “he saw pupils leave so he followed thinking it was over” The principal said “ the ones who left must have just been fed up as the teacher is still in the RDS with the rest of the pupils” Youngest then sent me a text so I told the Principal I had to ring youngest and hung up.

Youngest said “I had a call from number I don't know” I said “it was the Principal” he said “why would I want to talk to him” He then told me he got directions and I stayed on the phone with him till he got to the dart station.

The Principal rang me again. I told him “panic over now, he's at the dart station and coming home but I want to know why no one paid any attention to my words about his safety and welfare on the consent form I signed” he said “I don't know but I will find out and I hope he's is okay”

Youngest sent me another text to call him, I did. He said “I don't know what train I should be on or what direction I should be taking” I stayed on phone with him till he got on the correct dart.

He arrived home one hour after his first call to me and the sheer effort of his experience had totally drained him, he told me briefly about his day then went to his room and slept.

I looked in on him, at his sleeping face, it's perfect, no wonder he was signed up as a model, he is gorgeous, not a line or a mark on him, not a frown on his skin, you would never know by looking at him that he has these unique needs and there lies the bloody problem!!

I'm disgusted about what happened because I had to sign a consent form, which I did, but I also added that I wanted reassurance for his well being whilst out with all the class mates who have him completely ostracised for there own puerile reasons. Youngest is very intelligent, very well mannered, very polite, well spoken, gorgeous but doesn't realise it, so what the hell he has done to be shunned by his peers is beyond me except he had the gonads, albeit rather late, to report some twat smacking him in the balls for no reason, just for standing awaiting entry to a class room, apparently you do not "grass" on anyone, thankfully the pure evil crap he went thru at his last school which was swept under the carpet as accidents that landed him in accident and emergency for many hours which he did not "grass" about until he almost had a nervous breakdown made him wake up and know that "grassing" about bullying made him perhaps save others the same pain physically and mentally yet he continues to suffer by his peers ignoring him. I hope their parents are proud of them.

I had texted youngest earlier whilst he was at the RDS to asked how his day was going and he had rang me to tell me that he was wandering around a huge building that has many careers options and giving advice, talks etc. Youngest has many plans, dreams, talents, so going to the RDS was good for him but when he was home he told me “as I joined one group of pupils they fucked off and left me so I joined another and they fucked off and left me” and as he told me this I could feel my blood pressure rising and I did fear for him and wished to god I had been there with him, but wait a minute is he not an adult? yes he is, but he has not just special needs but unique needs and my blood's boiling on his behalf.

The poor soul, when he's not at school he's home and doesn't leave the house until school comes round again unless he comes out with me to help me carry the shopping, what kind of bloody life is this for an 18 year old, who is so gorgeous, not a friend nor a social life of his own in sight.

He told me “I saw the pupils from the class all leave the RDS and walk to the bus stop so I followed but by the time I got there they had all hopped on a bus and I didn't recognise any of the bus numbers and I freaked” nothing else mattered to him, no problem solving for him, he didn't know how to problem solve so rang Mammy.

This is where the flight or fight scenario comes in to play for him, he doesn't know where he is, how to get back, how to find out where to go etc, for the rest of us it is very simple, we have a problem (we are lost) we figure out a solution (we stop someone and ask where the nearest transport back to where we want to go is) we walk to where that transport is and we get home.

Youngest does not ask someone because it means having social interaction and his heightened state halts any straight thinking or problem solving. The Principal did tho get to work in positive way, he contacted the escort teachers, he asked for youngests phone number (but youngest never answers if he doesn't recognise the number) he kept in touch with me to make sure youngest was safely on his way home and at last I thought the Principal is now appreciating that youngest does indeed have unique needs (tho he insisted thru prior meetings that youngest was okay and only had Aspergers a little!!! and needed no real external help)

Edel from Gheel came to house. She said “I'm glad all is okay with youngest now” I told her “I spoke to you about my worries about him prior to going on the school trip and all I got out of you was “you can't be worrying about something that hasn't happened yet” Not answering what I'd just said to her, Edel said “it proves the school need to be educated and trained on all to do with Aspergers, not just for youngest but for others too and I rang the school today and the Principals is claiming that youngest is fine and coping well and I told him youngest might appear to be coping but it's actually due to him holding it all together until he is out of the school” She said “I still haven't got hold of the Disability Manager as yet and Geraldine Murphy needs to talk to the old one Carol Doolan, firstly about the case. I asked Edel “why” and no straight answer was given to me, all I heard was “it's all about being in a new area” I said “it's still the same post code so what's new about it and we have been here for 9 months now” No answer was given to me. Instead she asked me for “all details of eldests next hospital appointment” and said “I will call the hospital the day before so it will be as stress free as possible and will collect you and take you there” which is really kind of her. She said “youngest is to meet with Michael McCreadie next Friday at 2.30pm”

My phone rang, it was my youngests career guidance teacher, she meets youngest once per week, she said “I was on the RDS trip and I am so sorry about youngest getting lost and getting so distressed” I told her “it wasn't your fault at all but I'd written on the consent form that I wanted reassurance for his safety whilst out in public” she said “I didn't see any form because they go to the class teacher” She said “youngest is a lovely person and a proper gentleman and I'm horrified about what has happened today and if you ever want to talk to me I will be more than happy to meet you to do so” She is a very nice lady.

17^th September

Had a bad nights sleep. I keep waking up again. I switched on my phone and there was a voice mail left at 2.21am from a private number. I could hear a woman talking and laughing but it was inaudible, other people were in the background talking too but I couldn't make out a word of it.

Missed a call again from the ex at 10.30am, no voice mail was left. I am pissed off with his nonsense. I sent a text “why are you ringing me” No reply.

I'm feeling rough again, I must be coming down with something, I watched the Ireland against Australia game, Ireland won, a brilliant game it was.

20^th September

Meeting at Cross care. The Open University person was there to congratulate us on doing so well with our exams. Conner the Director, a lovely, funny man asked us for our details to put us on the relief panel for their homeless houses they run, he told me “our volunteers get paid and it would be a pleasure to have you and I could listen to you talk all day” he said “you are a comedienne” I said “you should see me at home, I'm apparently the devil incarnate” He laughed

21^st September

Eldests hospital appointment. He took 4 Xanax at home then asked for another 2 at the hospital, he was chatting away like a budgie to Edel from Gheel. I had forewarned her he would be like this when full of medication. Edel dealt with the receptionist for us then we went in to the Consultant, he said the stomach biopsy was fine, I told him about the awful experience eldest had with that procedure and that it must never happen again because the sedation did not work on him. We were told he needs to get his gall bladder out and he would write to the surgeon today about it. I said he needs to have a room on his own because the Aspergers makes him have unique needs. Edel explained it to the Consultant in more detail. I got told that setting this up so I could stay in the hospital with him might take longer. I was told that if his pain flared up, I have to just bring him back to casualty. Edel drove us home. Eldest was as high as a kite and in the mood for talking, talking at me, not with me.

23^rd September

Youngest met Michael McCreadie in Gheels office, he said “I won't go unless you go down with me” I sat with Deirdre and Paul in the office. When youngest was finished and we were walking home he said “the bloke is nice enough but I and only I know what I need to feel normal, less anxious and no one is getting it or listening to me”

Youngest told me he's going to town to meet up with 30 others in St Stephen's Green and I internally panicked. This from my son who always said he hates people, he hates society, that he cannot socialise, no wonder I'm confused at this turnaround. This is so out of the blue for him and yes I'm worried but he's an adult so there is nothing I can do or say so I just hope he will be okay.

24^th September

Youngest left at 1pm. I gave him €50 and told him to take care and be careful. I'm confused about this sudden interest at going out and meeting up with strangers. I am tho happy for him but he is vulnerable and cannot stick up for himself so Christ knows what's going to happen. I wish I could take a step back but I'm so used to him calling me no matter where he is with some drama or another that my nerves are shattered. I imagine him being dragged off by a pervert or getting a beating.

Youngest sent me a text when he was coming home by dart. I met him with puppy at the dart station, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. He told me “I was shaking and couldn't find the place to meet up but I'm glad I stayed because I had fun” I am so happy and delighted for him.

Youngest has been refused Disability Allowance so I have a lot of work on my hands to put in an appeal for him

27^th September

Rang Edel from Gheel and told her about youngest going out to meet up with a crowd of strangers but that he had fun. I asked “can I have a letter about youngest having Aspergers so I can take it to the school because I have a parent, teacher meeting coming up” she said “I will give you some leaflets”

Went out to meet L in town and when I got home youngest had left his key on the outside of the door. Anyone could have just walked in the house.

29^th September

More documents from the solicitor re the ex. He's refusing to comply with the full disclosure as per the court order, he's objecting to schedule this, that and the other. I sent an email to the solicitor, I'm getting nothing explained to me. I told her “I'm doing it all myself as you obviously now have a big client load” she replied saying “you can get your file but you will end up as crazy as your ex is in an attempt to pin him down” she said “go for divorce, you will get nothing and yes I do believe he has hidden the money but it could be anywhere” And there was me thinking that solicitors take their clients instructions and not the other way round and I have got no where after all this time due to shitty don't give a crap about you attitudes like that.

Me and youngest were at the doctor, he told me I have bronchitis, he didn't even examine my chest, he just gave me anti biotics. He gave youngest another prescription of Lexapro.

We just walked in the door at home and eldest was as sick as a dog and in dreadful pain, he took an anti sickness pill and two Tramadol. I rang casualty just in case we needed to go in, they told me to ring D Doc if he got any worse because it was packed out up at the hospital.

4^th October

I am feeling very low as the ex is getting away with everything and I have a solicitor who is explaining nothing, she just keeps telling me to go for a divorce despite knowing all about the ex and all about the hidden funds I am legally entitled to half of. If I do what she's telling me to do then I will have fuck all. A 21 year marriage, three quarters of a million gone thru his numerous bank accounts and I will get nothing for me and my kids. I don't fucking think so.

I called up to eldest that the living room was free if he wanted to come down and read his book. He wasn't in the living room for five minutes when I heard him come out and slam the door. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I have the hump because the dog got stuck behind the door to the toilet and is chewing the skirting board so I can't concentrate on my book” At least he is telling me instead of the usual exploding at me and sulking for days and weeks on end.

5^th October

I told eldest I'm not banking his money this week as he needs everything for the hospital when he goes in for his operation. I got him a new dressing gown, pyjamas, socks, boxers, trousers, slippers, toiletries, t shirts and gave him his change.

6^th October

Youngest is coming home from school at lunchtimes all the time now. He walked out today because the class were all sent to listen to a talk from the school Psychologist, he said “I'm not going to sit with a bunch of retards or listen to bullshit from the psych”

I'm ill with another head cold. My immune system is shot to shreds. I was in my pyjamas when a bloke in a suit knocked my door, I didn't answer it and watched him walk down my path talking on his mobile phone, he didn't go to anyone else’s door.

Rang the doctor for a repeat prescription for eldest for anti sickness tablets and Tramadol, the receptionist told me “I can't be giving out meds willy nilly” I asked her “have you ever had gall stones that gives you pain like you're in labour and causes you to have projectile vomiting non stop” she said “no” I said “neither have I but I'm not going to sit and watch my son howl in pain and suffer with sickness for 24 hours solid, I need his prescription today and I want the doctor to call me back”

I sent Edel from Gheel a text about the GP. She replied “I've rang the surgery and left them a voice mail” which is a complete lie because my GP doesn't have any voice mail set up.

I rang the surgery myself again at 3,30pm and got told the doctor will call you at 5pm, he didn't call me. I rang again, the receptionist told me “you can pick up the prescription tomorrow in the chemist”

8^th October

Got up really early to watch the Rugby match, Ireland got beat by Wales. I'm gutted.

Youngest went to a meet up in town, he picked up my wool for me after telling me earlier that he wouldn't get it for me. I was not happy with him this morning and reminded him about all the running around I do for him and he is going out socialising with money I'm giving him, money that is for one person to live on as he has no income and I get no money from anyone for him.

10^th October

My back is killing me with severe muscle spasms. Eldest gave me one of his Tramadol to take, never again, I felt awful, it made my head float and felt like I was going to faint and I had a terrible sick feeling with them.

Call from youngest from school. “D. S in biology class asked me if I have a brother and is he normal or is he like you” The teacher in the class asked youngest “is he a friend of yours” youngest said “no” I was furious. I told youngest “get to reception and tell them I've ordered you home and the reason why and your mother has said you are not to put up with any more of this shit”

He sent me a “call me” text. When I rang him he said “the reception of the school is shut” I said “just write a note and give it to the first teacher in your year that you see”

I rang the school and left a voice mail. Mrs S rang me, she said “I'm youngests Year Head and I will deal with D.S” she asked me “does youngest want an apology” (WTF) she said “youngest is getting on better now and interacting more” I said “you must be talking about a different pupil because my son interacts with no one and no one interacts with him, he is totally isolated and ignored and if what you're telling me is true then why is he having to sit every break in the reception area alone to feel safe and not be picked on and why is he coming home from school every lunchtime and why is he calling me every day with yet another problem that he's having difficulties with” She said “I'm sorry that this is his experience” I told her what youngest had told me on the phone, that another pupil D, who was only last week telling him he should be head boy decided to sit next to him in Biology and ask him if he had a brother (not do you have brothers or sisters) then began quizzing him about his brother before ending the conversation with " Is he like you or is he normal" The biology teacher must have over heard the conversation as she asked youngest if D was a friend of his, he answered no. I told her I was like a bull over this remark to my youngests face and I'm worried that this D had overheard someone talking about my family, she assured me that was unlikely. She said they will all keep a close eye on him. My fear is any back lash when this D is told I have been on to the school about what he said, Ms S said the school would ensure youngests safety. I told her “youngest is fine but unhappy and believes an adult in the school has spoken about him and his brother and it's been over heard by pupils”

I told youngest about the phone call I had with his Year Head, he said “I am not interested, I'm tired and going to bed”

When he got up he came to me to educate me on his new diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder, and I almost hit the roof. He's taken two online tests so to him it must be true, no amount of me telling him he's not was getting thru to him so I told him go find an expert and sort himself out. I swear I will drown his laptop if he keeps putting new labels on himself then hounding me with all his new found disorders and then his verbal abuse when I do not agree with him about what he comes up with.

17^th October

Youngest told me this morning that he has a date on Saturday. I am thrilled for him, he said “I'm going to the cinema” I only realised later that it would be me who was paying for it. He met her on the Meet Ups he's been going to the past three Saturday's.

I got my Open University certificate in the post.

I had it in my head all day to call the divorce court for an update. I did and they told me “no movement at all re your case” I had asked my solicitor months ago to chase them up and get me a date. I need to sort this out once and for all.

22^nd October

Walked to the local shop with youngest and puppy. On the way back he stayed at the bus stop to go to town for his date. I gave him €60. I couldn't believe it when he returned after 5 minutes, he said the girl “changed the time from 2pm to 4.10pm as she has to clean the house or her mother will not let her out” I didn't say anything but I did think it doesn't bode well at all only letting him know as he was about to jump on the bus. I kept my mouth shut. He got the next bus to town because his I pod stopped working and he's taking it back to the Apple store. I sent him a text at 10pm telling him the time of the last dart home. He got home at 11pm, he didn't have much to say at all except “had fun” I was so looking forward to having a chat with him, even about the film.

24^th October

More drama with youngest and school. He said “S. D was shouting out in front of the whole class “you like dick and he wouldn't stop tapping me” I told him “you need to start retaliating, you have a big enough mouth towards your mother, just punch the fucker and be done with it and it will never happen to you again” youngest said “I went to the Principal who said S.D probably did not mean any harm” youngest said I replied to the Principal “off course not because humiliating me in front of the whole class and insinuating that I'm gay would not mean he is causing me harm” That Principal is a complete idiot. Youngest then said “me having Aspergers must be round the whole school as S. D. asked me if I'd ever been tested for Autism” I told him “don't waste any breath on these people, just deck him and be done with it and I guarantee if you do, you will never be bullied again because all bullies are actually sad cowards” I would never normally condone violence but enough is enough, he's had this shit in every school he's been in. You can either be a victim or a survivor.

25^th October

Up at 6am because eldest has his appointment at the hospital today to meet his surgeon. I gave him 2 Xanax, he said that was not enough and wanted another two.

I told youngest three times “if you don't get out the door you will miss the bus to get to school on time” he didn't leave the house till 8.10pm. He sent me a text at 8.30am “I'm going to walk, no bus turned up” I texted him “I told you, you would miss the bus” He sent me a “call me” text and I rang him. All I heard was him shouting down the phone at me “I am sick of you criticising me and making me feel like an idiot” I couldn't believe my ears. I said “you have the brass neck to send me a call me text so you could scream abuse down the phone to me just because I told you three times at home if you didn't get a move on you would miss the bus and I was right because you have missed the bloody bus, grow up” He hung up on me.

Eldest full of Xanax said “you're far too soft on youngest and always have been and because of you, you've turned him into a pussy, he needs a slap, do you want me to give him a slap, because I will” I said “for a very intelligent man you are very stupid and I must have told you a billion times over the years that violence is never the answer and if you lay a finger on youngest you will be out the door so fast your feet will not touch the ground” I asked him “have you learnt nothing after all we all went thru with your dad” he went quiet then said “well just fucking ignore him then as all he ever wants is your attention and you fall for it every time”

I know I'm a hypocrite after me telling youngest “punch the fucker and be done with it” but that was in response to someone bullying him and consistently tapping him in school.

Edel from Gheel collected us at 9am. I had sent her a text telling her eldest was “as high as a kite and chatting non stop but he won't remember a word of it so don't take anything he says as gospel for example if he promises to meet you at a future date” As expected he was chatting away to Edel like they were old friends. At the hospital we were seen within ten minutes. He was given an explanation of the operation and his stomach was then checked. Edel drove us home at 11am.

Me and eldest went for a lie down, he was wrecked with the Xanax and I was wrecked because I'm never getting a good nights sleep these days. Just as my head hit the pillow youngest started texting me “I think I'm having a panic attack” I rang him and he told me “Mrs B made me and the rest of the class take a cognitive test, I refused because I already did one for the Aspergers and the school has it, I told the teacher I had to leave the class but she told me I couldn't and I was shaking so much and cannot bare feeling this way” I said “I'll get Edel to deal with the school” but when I contacted her about it she said she would get Deirdre to deal with them.

26^th October

Youngests class teacher Mrs B rang me. She said “I'm sorry I didn't let youngest leave the class when he asked to, I realised almost immediately that I should have said yes because he was a bit panicky” She said “when I said no to him he looked composed and not at all anxious” I said “and therein lies the problem, how he looks is not how he feels and only I get to see and hear it” She said “I will read up on the Aspergers leaflet you brought in”

27^th October

Had to buy youngest new head phones as his are broken. He asked for money for his date tomorrow. I told him “I'm really struggling on only one income to cover the two of us” he said “that's not my fault, I will sort you out properly when I get my Disability that you've appealed” I told him “I only want what eldest gives me and nothing more and I want it back dated too because you're an adult and should be paying your way” I gave him €40 and he asked me “is that all” I could not believe it. I told him “I'm going without so you can have this” he said “sorry”

Call from the charity asking if I will do a reading for them at the Memorial Service they have every year next Tuesday.

I am fed, fed, fed, fed up. Fed up with coping with everything alone, fed up with having no real friends, fed up with having so little money, fed up with every day a drama with youngest, fed up that fuck all has changed via Gheel or the HSE, fed up at not having any relationship myself with a man. Fed up that I want a job and to further my education but cannot as I cannot go any further except via college degree and that is full time which I cannot do as the rules state as a carer I can only be out of the house 15 hours per week. I am fucking fed up. I am fed up at feeling guilty because my boys are now the way they are, I am fed up feeling guilty because they have an evil bastard for a dad who does not give a shit if they are even eating or have a roof over their head. I am fed up being the only parent coping with everything, I am fed up that I have no one to talk to, no one to hug me, no one to hold me, that I have not had sex in 6 years and I have no one to show or give me any affection at all. I had to be the good parent, the one who stuck around but where has this got me, I get no respect nor conversation from my kids at all, I am nothing to them, I am nothing to no one. I am so lonely that I may well not exist at all and no one would notice if I did not exist.

Feeling sorry for yourself are you girl? Yes I bloody well am.

31^st October

Cleaned the house from top to bottom, feeling a little better spirit wise.

1^st November

Memorial Service. My youngest came with me after I told him how nervous I was. I did the reading from the pulpit, youngest said “you sound like Mrs Doubtfire” I do not think that was a compliment.

3st November

Hospital for me for an MRI scan on my back, I got told “we do not do them any more and if you lose the feeling in your leg again you have to go to casualty” what a total waste of time and it took me two buses to get there and two buses back again.

I asked eldest if he could lend me €300 for Xmas, he said “take more than that” but I said “no because €300 I can pay back but more than that and I would not be able to as I am still paying off the loan for when we moved in here on carpet and laminate and curtains etc” he said “I had forgot that” then he erupted shouting at me “you should know by now what a bad memory I have”

I was thinking I wish he would forget about his dad because that's when his agoraphobia started but I didn't say anything. I asked him “what do you want for Xmas” he said “what, the one that I'm paying for” and that is why I hate asking him for anything, he always throws it back in my face. I said “I always repay my debts and where else would you get full bed and board, 24 hour access to the internet and a slave running after your every whim” He said “just get me books then”

14^th November

Youngest is meeting a girl after school today, he said “I need money” I could only give him €25 plus €13 in change for school. I cannot keep this up. He's been going on for months about a band he loves that's playing in London and he wants to go see them and he wants to take the girl with him. I said “I want to speak to her parents first so I can be sure she has their permission and you need to sort out photo ID for travelling and how will I pay for accommodation on top” He started a row with me telling me “you're making problems for me” He doesn't have an ounce of sense in his head if that's his attitude.

21^st November

T was here for the weekend, she is great company and it's always fantastic to have her here. She was shocked at the mouth on youngest towards me, all because I asked him “how did you get on at the meet up” For no reason at all he began roaring at me “I have been out 6 times in 3 years and you're treating me like a cunt, like a retard” T told him “you need a kick up the hole talking to your mother like that and she gives you the money to go out you cheeky bollix so what the hell are you talking about” He said “sorry” and left the living room. She said “he's mental, nothing was in context at what you asked him for him to erupt like that”

When T left youngest said he wanted to talk to me. He said “I have many other disorders that I just found out online so you'd better get used to it” I said “I will get used to nothing so you better watch your mouth and you can get to a psychiatrist to find out what else is wrong with you and not bloody do it yourself on line” He stormed off. I called him later to put the bin out for me and he just ignored me, Eldest called him to tell him “mum wants you” youngest said “I don't care” I had to put the bin out myself. I'm sickened after all the money he's had out of me for his schooling, his daily diet coke and sweets, his dates, his meet up's and his school trip money. He's suffering with something alright and it's lazyfuckingitis. He is a pure manipulator, he always uses emotional blackmail to get his own way. I fear for his future. Not a lot of people would put up with him.

22^nd November

Youngest told me “I'm not going to school because if I do I will tell all the teachers to fuck off then I will jump out of a window” I said “that's very grown up talk for an adult, if that's how you really feel then you need to go and speak to the doctor” The door slammed.

25^th November

Eldest met Michael McCreadie today. He had 7 Xanax in him but didn't speak much at all but I was glad that someone got to see him after all this time.

When it came to youngests turn Edel from Gheel and I went out for a walk. I told her how youngests behaviour is affecting me and I'm one lone person coping with both him and eldest and I just cannot bloody do it any more and I'm sick of saying it and I'm sick of no one listening to me and if my youngest is correct and he has Bi Polar as he keeps telling me he has then I'm not prepared to live with anyone with a mental illness because he is impossible to live with right now. I will be driven insane. I feel insane already and I know my sons having suffered professional failure and neglect will see me in an early grave” I told her “I only have about 5% energy left in me, I'm getting cold sore after cold sore, I'm so tired, drained, sad and fearful” She just listened.

We went back into the house. Youngest was still talking to Michael McCreadie who said when I walked in “he doesn't have Bi Polar and he has to start looking at all he thinks thru an Autistic lens because it's Autism he has” The relief in me to be told he doesn't have Bi Polar had me run from the living room in tears to the kitchen, Edel came after me, I couldn't breathe, I was panting trying to breathe, Edel said “you're having a panic attack” and she talked me back to normal, all this is going to kill me, I just know it is. I never had a panic attack in my life.

When they left youngest told me continually, over and over and over and over again “I know Michael McCreadie is wrong because only I know myself what's really wrong with me. I screamed at him “fuck off and leave me alone or find somewhere else to live, this is my house and if you have anything to say about anyone then save it for them because I will not listen to you rant or rave any more and you better think before you speak to me again because I'm not taking any abuse and I hope you're happy because I never had a panic attack until today so you can keep your, I'm right and everyone else is wrong and tell it to someone who will give a shit because you and this shit is killing me” He called me a “fucking, cunting drama queen” I went to my room and I stayed there. I am going to go criminally insane.

28^th November

Rang the divorce court and asked them if I could come down and have a chat with them. I got told yes. Got the bus then the Luas. The place was packed and I felt very sad for all the people there and hoped I did not feel sad when I got my divorce because I really am an emotional person. I have been on such a roller coaster for the past 6 years that I've had no time at all to do what most normal people do, grieve for all they lost and by Christ I lost a lot, I really did love my husband, I was still in love with him when I left him but knew I had to leave for my sanity, no sane person can live with such an insane person and expect to still be sane themselves but none of that changes the fact that I did really love him and will one day soon be one of the sad people sitting here in this divorce court .

I went up to the desk to be told I was in the wrong building. I had to go two doors down and there was no privacy at all in such a tiny room for the public to discuss such private matters. I gave my name and the man behind the counter told me “you're not on our system” I said “off course I am” and told him my solicitors name, again he said “you are not in our system” and I left utterly confused.

Once home I rang the court again and told a woman about “the farce I just experienced and I'm putting a complaint in writing” and she said “we don't work by names, only by case numbers” I said “that's strange because the man asked me my name and I gave it to him so why would he ask for my name if you do not go by names. I said no one else in Dublin has my name as I checked with the house reg people so it's a fact” she said “the man must have looked it up wrong then” The woman must have felt sorry for me because she checked my file, she told me “no contact by your ex at all and you cannot do a DIY divorce because the solicitor has to “come off record” by contacting the court herself” What a bloody mess.

29^th November

Everything is getting too much for me. I'm hardly sleeping at all any more. I woke up at 3am, 4.50am and gave up at 5.15am and got up.

I went on a cleaning buzz doing the inside of my cupboards. Eldest came down and told me he'd had a nightmare, he said “youngest was throwing petrol around my room and trying to set my room alight, it felt so real I wanted to go and batter him this morning”

Youngests school attended an open day so he came home at lunchtime. I asked him “will you come to the shop with me” and he said “yes” so whilst out walking I gave him two tickets for the band he loves that had arrived today. It was worth it just to see him so happy because he really was over the moon, he said the girl “cannot go to the concert any more” I didn't question him about it, he will tell me when he wants to. He said “I'm more relaxed about school now and I'm not going to stress about exams because I can always do a PLC course instead” My heart sank at that news.

Xmas presents I ordered from Amazon arrived, I gave them to eldest to hide in his bedroom for me.

A third cold sore has popped up, I've not had them for years, now they are non stop and I cannot afford to buy the cream to get rid of them so I'm using ice cubes instead to kill the virus but it's not working. I hate cold sores.

30^th November

Youngest wanted his hair cut at the barbers. We went into town so he could get passport photo's done to get ID. I almost screamed at him in the street due to his awful racist talk, he is an embarrassment and I detest how he talks.

We went looking for a college miles away, it was waste of time and shoe leather because we couldn't find the place then my left knee cap popped out leaving me in agony. We got home at 3pm. Youngest went on a rant about Ryanair only accepting passports as ID. I could never afford to pay for flights there and back for him and have told him so but will he listen, no and it's all my fault according to him.

When youngest goes on “a rant” I don't mean he just tells me something. I mean he can go on and on and on and on for hours about the same subject where he gets angrier and angrier and he wants me to communicate back, to say anything at all to him so he can have a full scale argument with me then he will feel some kind of warped justification that he is right and fool that I am I listen to him and I will nod in agreement then my ears will feel battered by his loud voice levels and my brain will feel squashed by his machine gun rattle of verbal spewings and inside my head I will be silently begging for peace, for space, for him to go away. It might appear that I “verbally retaliate” all the time immediately but I don't. I do so when I have had enough of hour upon hour of it.

I put up the Xmas tree alone. Youngest always helped me to do this every year but he's preferring to sulk in his room instead. My family has fallen apart.

1^st December

Youngest was in a right old panic about missing the concert, he told “I can get an emergency passport for €130” I asked “what about the cost of accommodation, of food and travel and spending money, it will cost a fortune and I do not have a fortune” he said “it will not come to more than €300” I said “that is more than my weekly income for gods sake” He said “I will ask eldest for the money” I reminded him “you owe him enough already and you haven't given him a cent back yet” I said “you can get the ferry there and back and it won't cost as much and I might just about manage that” he said “no, that's not how I'm getting there and back because it will take too long” He went off in a huge strop the selfish little bollix that he is. I created a monster with spoiling him so much, all he asks for he gets but I do not have the money to pay for flights and I have no machine to print my own money to give him.

I am tired and drained and I look bloody awful.

I read online that youngest can get an adult ID card at the bus office in town for €2.50. I told him to go and get it today because he was home at lunch time from school but he went to bed and did nothing.

I asked eldest what he wanted for dinner, he said “don't know” I asked “do you want chicken, his was answer was “no” I asked “well what do you want” he yelled “I don't fucking know” I ended up like a mad woman and sounded like Dick Dastardly dog Mutley as I argued with him in my head, I cannot to his face because Christ knows what the consequences for me would be. I realise when I'm around either of them my breathing goes funny, like I hold my breathe till I can't any more.

5^th December Court

I have woken up in a rotten angry and tense mood. I left the house to get the 8.30am bus with youngest. We met L at 9.30am. I saw his girlfriend alone wandering around the place, there was no sign of him. He then walked in looking like the tramp he always does for court. I knew today I was going to lose my temper and I didn't know why, it's like I've had a belly full of all crap, it takes an awful lot for me to lose my temper, I am quick tempered with my mouth but I calm down as fast as I rear up but I have never lost my temper in court. I normally only lose it for those who cannot defend themselves. I have roared the street down on seeing a man beat his dog up when the dog was on a lead and couldn't escape him. I have lost it with mothers in supermarkets who smacked the heads of their small toddlers. once lost it in a dole queue in London when a skin head pushed an old man so he could get in the queue before him, I shoved that bastard so hard he almost fell over, how I had the balls to do that when I was only 7 and a half stone I will never know except that I hate to see bullies getting away with anything. The person who was with me was mortified and thought we would both get a beating but I stood my ground and took that old man's arm and stayed with him and kept staring at the ugly skin head daring him to try anything. That is how I felt today when I woke up. I knew I was going to lose it.

Youngest insisted on coming up to the court floor lobby with me at the call over, it is so embarrassing to be there, it's just like a cattle market. His solicitor came over to me and said “Hi,where is your solicitor today” I said “I'm representing myself” she told me “I'm asking for an adjournment, will you be objecting” I said “he has had enough time, over 12 weeks now to provide all required documents” she said “he is ill” I said “no he's not he's mental and me and my kids have the scars to prove it, he almost destroyed us all” At the call over the judge said he would take our case first and everyone shuffled out.  Twice a Garda tried to get me to leave the court, I said “what part of, it is my case, do you not understand man” he went bright red and left.

The judge had no idea why we were there at all despite having a file in front of him. The ex's solicitor said “maintenance” I shot my hand up because that was not why we were there at all, it was for a full disclosure, but the judge shot me down by roaring “you will get your chance to talk soon enough” 
His solicitor went on to say “my client is ill, is suicidal, he has a doctors letter re all his depression and stress about all these court cases” I almost started screaming the place down, the fucking brass neck of him, he's the fucking reason I'm in and out of court all these fucking years. The judge asked to see the doctors letter and then asked me to “read it” he asked me “can you see where it says suicidal or depression because it says no such thing” I looked over at the ex and couldn't believe my eyes, he was rocking back and forth like the nut job he is, a fucking Oscar he deserved for that act, there was no sign of him doing that downstairs at all, what a bastard.

The judge then told me “you can speak” but instead of letting me speak he started asking me questions about maintenance, he told me “go to the divorce court and start your divorce even if he refuses to lodge a defence” I told the judge twice “my divorce has been lodged since April 2010 and you're confusing me because I'm here about a full disclosure of all assets both in England and in Ireland” His solicitor told me “I will explain it to you outside” I said “no thanks, you're my husbands legal representative, not mine” The judge said “the arrears still stand, the maintenance payments (that are not being fucking paid at all) still stand and the full disclosure” that I waited 6 whole fucking years for was struck out, despite this being the very same judge who ordered it in the first place. His solicitor asked for “legal aid for him” the judge said “no” and I hoped the evil bastard would be hit with a huge legal bill for these non stop court appearances of his.

I met youngest outside and told him “I am going to explode”

His solicitor came up to talk to me and the ex came walking past us at the same time and I let rip at him “ignoring your son, your own flesh and blood you tosser” he said not one word in reply. 
I told his solicitor “you're a disgrace lying in court that this was all about maintenance” she said “I'm only doing my job” I said “I didn't know lying was part of family law” she said “sorry, I feel for you I really do and I know what you've had to put up with from him all these years, don't think I don't know” I had no idea how she knew anything except that she talks to other solicitors. I didn't answer her, I walked away.

I met L downstairs and told her “I am going to fucking blow, I am going to fucking explode and I no longer care about anything” All I felt was a bubbling fury, at that bastard and all he did to us and all he got away with and the state he left us in, homeless, my sons genetics, all the crap I had to put up with solo from them, the money he was court ordered to pay but doesn't, the money he stole from us that was half mine and he got away with it.

I saw him standing outside smoking, directly outside the exit door of the court and I flipped. I walked up to him and started rocking back and forth myself like he had done in the court. I was like a mad woman screaming at him “ not fucking rocking now are you, you fucking scum bag tosser” he just walked away not saying a word.  L took my arm and took me down an alley way. I was roaring and crying, something I never do outside because I've become so used to hiding my true feelings about everything, so used to keeping it all in. I just couldn't believe what just happened and all because I had no solicitor with me and that judge should have known why we were there. I was cursing and shouting and a man walked past us. I called out to him “I'm having a really bad day” he laughed and said “work away”

L said “I don't blame you at all, I've only ever seen how composed you have been and how you have put up with non stop shit for years now and thinking you were at last getting somewhere via the courts and yet again it is all taken away from you” she asked me if I wanted to go to a cafe, I said “no I just want to go home” She said “Anne please now go live your life for you and you alone, he has proved he is clever enough all these years to fool the courts and the judges, he will get his one day, one way or another” I said “I know but I didn't get mine for me and my kids and I will never give up trying to because it's unfair and unjust and illegal all that he has done” I said thank you to her for her support and we left to go home but youngest told me he had to change his head phones in HMV, it was the last thing that I wanted to do, walk thru the town, walk into shops but I did, he asked me in the shop if I was okay, I said no, still fighting back tears. No bus came so I flagged down a cab. Once home youngest gave me a hug, he told me “don't think you have failed even though you have because I'm still proud of you” that opened the flood gates and I cried my eyes out.

I wrote L an email thanking her for all her accompanying me to court and apologised for letting rip then I went to bed.

I rang the district court in the afternoon and asked how I make a complaint about a judge. I was given a circuit court number to ring. They told me to write to the President of the Circuit Court, the man on the phone told me “you are right to complain because all judges should know why a person is in front of them and you should have had the right to talk and not be talked at or talked over and if you want to go ahead with divorce then just come in and see us and we will help you all we can. What a lovely, lovely man.

7^th December

Got 9am bus to town, then the Luas to Smithfield to go to the Divorce Court, a woman gave me a form to fill in. I said I was told on the phone yesterday that someone would help me fill in all forms, I got told they can't because I still have a solicitor on record for me who needs to “come of record” by informing the court before I can do my own divorce. What a shagging mess.

Walked to the Four Courts to hand deliver my complaint about the judge. I asked for a receipt “we don't do receipts” some snooty cow told me.

Went into town and bought wool and an I pod nano for eldests Xmas then got a bus to Tesco.

Once home there was a letter for youngest, I rang him and he asked me to open it, another refusal from Disability. I need to appeal yet again and this time I only have 21 days to do it but as it's coming up to Xmas I have only one week to get it done so it's posted on time. I rang Gheel and spoke to a lovely bloke called John to tell him I need help with the appeal, he said he would email Andy Mc Donnell, Michael Mc Creadie, Deirdre and Edel for me.

Deirdre from Gheel rang me, she sent me a tick box form specifically for Aspergers and she said she will do a letter of support for me too. That was nice of her and I'm grateful.

Edel from Gheel sent me a text “I will contact the Disability Manager, Geraldine Murphy and get a letter of support from her because I think that would carry some weight too” I did not remind her that she also said this months ago and nothing materialised.

Sent the solicitor an email re “coming off record” in court and asked for a breakdown of costs and my file, I reminded her that I had legal aid and have been paying her money separately for a divorce. She replied with her costings which were as clear as mud. She will make the application to the court and let me know when it's been done.

Rang legal Aid, got told 6 months waiting list, bollix.

Lots and lots of work on youngests appeal. Had to buy more ink and paper and not a word of thanks or gratitude out of him, men his age should be doing this themselves.

8^th December

100 mile an hour winds outside kept me awake all night.

Youngest asked me to ring him, he's coming home at lunchtime from school and wants to go to town, he told me that he needs money. I said I cannot keep doing this on my income alone. The money I give him for school is €25 a week then he needs €30 or €40 for his next meet up trips.

Went to town myself for an interview with a charity re a Start Your Own Business Course, they think the idea is fantastic and will do well. They said they may have work for me that I will get paid for. God I do hope so.

Missed the bus so walked back and was bursting for the toilet, the gales are terrible, it took me almost an hour to walk home. I am wrecked.

Youngest went to town at 3pm, I gave him €50 and told him I wanted change back from it. He said “I'm going to a concert in town tonight as a girl I know won tickets so I'm going to Trinity College first to get photo ID” I asked him if he would be okay going to a concert, no reply, the door slammed shut. He has a one track mind, he got what he wanted so nothing else matters.

Youngest rang me sounding as high as a kite, he was talking non stop and nine to the dozen, he said “I couldn't cope with the concert, it was in a night club, I felt like all my senses were being raped” I kept him on the phone because he sounded agitated but high, he did some ranting about the clothes or lack of clothes people were wearing, he said “the noise was so loud my chest was pounding and the lights hurt my eyes so I had to get out of there”

He sent me a text when he was on the dart. I was just glad he was safe. I wanted to go to Tesco at 8.30pm for our shopping but couldn't because I was waiting on my change from youngest.

Youngest said when he came home “I'm not putting myself thru any more stress with studying” my heart sank, he said “I will fall back on my interview or my portfolio or do a PLC Course and if none of that works I will go to college as a mature student” I told him “that can't happen until you're 23 year old” then told him “I would swap your stress for mine any day of the week” he mouthed off at me but I switched off and put my ear phones in and turned my relaxation music up loud.

12^th December

Edel from Gheel at the house, we went thru the tick box appeal for youngests disability application. She said “John had emailed us all to support youngest with this” she said “I will chase up Geraldine Murphy for the letter of support” (again). I told her my conversation with youngest because I know he's just going to drop out of school yet again and be stuck at home 24 hours a day. She again told me “you cannot be worrying about things that have not happened” if she tells me that one more time I will go mad at her, instead I said “you appear to have forgotten I had him at home for 2 years not leaving the house so yes I am worrying because I know it's going to happen because I can tell by the way he's talking, it means he's already made up his mind, he thinks he's going to own various businesses with all his genius ideas but he does sod all to make anything happen” I told her about his first concert visit and all he told me about how it affected his senses.

13^th December

At 8.20am eldest came looking for me “where are you, I want two Xanax so I can exercise because I've not been able to for as long as I need to” Once the Xanax had kicked in he told me “get to the Credit Union and get €300 out to give youngest for Xmas shopping” I reminded him “youngest already owes you money and has no way of paying it back because he's been refused disability twice now” Eldest said “I don't care I've no use for the money just now” We then had a long chat about his teeth and college as he wants to be a Space Engineer and design aircraft’s. We chatted for ages about UK politics.

Youngest rang me “I'm leaving school and coming home, I had an English exam that I knew nothing about so I couldn't do it, I almost had a panic attack and they allowed me to leave”  He gives up far too easily.

15^th December

Michael McCreadie was at the house at 3pm. Eldest had 9 x .25 mgs of Xanax in him, a terrible amount of tablets to take within a few hours.

Me and youngest were practically held captive by him, talking at us and advising us, all the usual shit that comes out when he's in stoned on meds mode. He was telling youngest “you have chosen the wrong career” he asked us “do you even know what's going on in the world today”

Me and youngest were communicating with our eyes, a lot of rolling of them from him to me and me to him. We both knew we would not get a minutes peace when he was like this, as high as this, he talked more than he had all year in this house.

My nerves were frazzled because he was following me around the house. I went to the toilet and sent Edel from Gheel a text asking “could you get out to us ASAP he's driving us nuts” Eldest said “I do not want Edel at the meeting today” I asked him why, he said “I don't really know her” I said “you have been in her company more than any other outsider the past 6 years” he said “I just don't feel comfortable” I said “okay so me and Edel will go out a walk” he told me “no I need you and youngest here to talk for me when I'm unable to” he then proceeded to tell youngest to “start writing and make a list of things I want to discuss and you have to write down everything whilst the meeting is going on”

Michael McCreadie is a lovely man and Scottish which tickled eldest for some reason. A lot of talk about Mindfulness took place with Michael telling eldest how it helped him with his flying phobia. Michael said “it would be best to do a full 8 week course” I said “great, where can he do it, when can he do it, how does he get there” because I assumed that Gheel would set it all up for him, I was merely told “some places in Dublin do them and you just need to google them” I had a professional in my house because my eldest doesn't leave it unless absolutely necessary and he is medicated out of his box to do so and they hadn't one word of how eldest gets to such a course or back again and who would be with him, what a complete waste of my time and I had to cope the rest of the day with my eldest out of his head on 9 fucking .25mg of Xanax.

Eldest told Michael “I don't have agoraphobia and mum explained it best “the less you go out, the less you want to go out” he said “it all started when dad beat the shit out of me” and how “I tried going to school but had a panic attack” and “I have gone out a couple of times with mum but I need my hood up and my ear phones in because that's my comfort”

Edel and Michael left at 4pm. Edel told me “try and get your head down as you look so stressed and tired”

Me and youngest took my dog out to the park. I needed fresh air, my nerves were strung out and I needed space from eldest and now my head was splitting.

More talk I remember from the meeting: Eldest talked about his teeth, doing his leaving cert from home, he needs a plan and I have got to sort it all out for him. Cardio exercise for his weight and height, sustain for 20 minutes then come down slowly. It all seems crazy to me, just talk and no action. Gheel should be actively helping eldest achieve all this with their contacts. I asked Michael whilst he was here if he “would kindly fill in youngests appeal” he did but said he thought it should be in PDF format, Edel explained that it has to be done by youngest but mum is having to do it for him and it needs a professional to give their input too. So he filled it in for me which I was really grateful about.

16^th December

Email from the solicitor, my file will arrive by bike at 3pm. She has applied to the court and will let me know when it's done re coming of record so I can go it alone.

Posted youngests appeal by recorded delivery minus any letter of support from Gheel or from the Disability Manager because no such letter was sent from either of them.

I had a reply re my complaint about the judge, it was from a female judge, she acknowledged my letter but said she cannot get involved because it was not her case (I was told by the Circuit Court to write to her) she went on that I can appeal to the Circuit Court (the last place I want to do is go back to court) and she has sent my complaint to the judge involved as is the norm (inward groan) Oh well as least I was respectful about him in my letter of complaint, which he was lucky about.

19^th December

Eldest woke me up at 4.15am because he thought he heard me cough so he thought I was awake. He wanted to tell me that some leader in Korea had died. Then he told me “I had a nightmare about a corpse and dad was there too and it was fucking horrifying and I'm going back to bed”

Youngest came home early from school, he said he has a sinus infection. He never had a problem with sinuses in his life.

20^th December

My back went into severe muscle spasms when I was emptying the washing machine, I rang the doctor because I didn't want to be up in casualty for hours. The receptionist told me the doctor said “take extra Xanax because that's a muscle relaxant”

Still no letter of support from Gheel for youngests second disability appeal. I emailed Deirdre about it.

21^st December

My back is still killing me and Xanax did not relax any muscle of mine. I had to go bank two weeks money for eldest and collected youngests prescription.

23^rd December

Got maintenance at long last. I gave youngest €100, nothing was sent from the ex for the boys Xmas as per usual.

24^th December

8.30am bus into town for last minute shopping. Got boys a Mc Donald's breakfast as I have done so every Xmas eve except 2006 when we had nothing. When I got home youngest whispered to me “brother has the hump because I heard him ignore you when you asked him if he wanted anything before you left the house this morning” I said “he's fine, he was just reading and there's nothing worse than someone interrupting you when you are reading”

I told youngest at 7.30pm “my back is killing me and there's nothing on TV and I'm fed up being alone” he said “I'm fed up being alone too” I asked him “stay in the living room with me then” he said “No” I asked him “why are you always shut away alone in your room” No reply.

At 8.30pm youngest walked into my room and said “I'm going out for a long walk” which meant no sleep for me until I knew he was back safely but I fell asleep.

25^th December Xmas Day

I woke up at 5.24am and realised straight away that I'd fallen asleep without hearing youngest come home after his late night walk last night. I shot out the bed into his room to make sure he was home safe. He was. My heart was pounding and the palpitations started. I keep telling him how dangerous it is to be walking about the streets alone at night but he just will not listen to me.

I lit the fire then lit all my candles. I put the Xmas tree lights on and waited for the boys to come down to open their presents.

I heard eldest get up and come down the stairs, he was in the toilet for ages. I called him when I heard him come out of the kitchen door, no reply and he walked back up the stairs. I called him again thinking he must not have heard me, again no reply from him and I knew he must have heard me. All I could say to myself was please god, not today of all days, do not let him start today because I'm not fit for it or him and his awful moods and threats. I was praying aloud, one day is all I ask for, for my life to be free from all drama and all crap. I could already feel the cloying, heavy, drained atmosphere descend around the walls of the house wrapping it up like a bloody Xmas parcel.

I put my dogs lead on and walked her for half hour and back again. I was back home at 8.30am. Youngest was on the couch when I got in, he said Happy Xmas and gave me a hug. We gave each other presents, he had got me a large bottle of Beautiful and Loverdose perfume, two Lush soaps and bath bombs, The Guard DVD and a box set of Only Fools and Horses. I got youngest games for his 3 DS, a game for his Nintendo Wii, a ukulele, a Finepix camera and expensive head phones. I then told him about his brother. He said “I told you yesterday he had the hump” I went up to eldests room and said “Happy Xmas son, are you coming down to open your presents” no reply, he was pretending to be asleep. Youngest went off to play on his games in his room, I sat in the living room crocheting. My life is a very lonely life and I hate it. It is Christmas day for Christ’s sake, they could at least help make one day good for us.

I put the dinner on at 1pm to be ready for 3pm. Xmas dinner is my eldests favourite meal. I called youngest down when it was ready and asked him not to eat it in his bedroom for one day for me, I took eldests dinner up to his room, he was still pretending to be asleep but he has his head phones on now, I told him dinner was on his computer desk and to eat it before it got cold, no reply. Youngest stayed in the living room with me for only five minutes, he was non stop texting on his phone, he didn't speak a word to me, he just upped and left the room. I called him down at 5pm and asked him to take eldest up some water and coke, eldest told him to go away. Youngest came and told me, “do not go anywhere near him or else you will be goading him” I reminded youngest who the parent is and never to use those particular words again to me ever because you know that is what your dad would say to me and I'm not happy about that.

It is now night time and eldests presents are still under the tree not touched, he has destroyed the past 6 years of my life but even that's not good enough for him, he wants Xmas day ruined too, so well done son you ruined it for your own selfish, obscure reason and I detest you for that. This has got to end. He is going to end up in a mental hospital or I will.

I am sitting alone on Xmas day. I have no one to talk to, no call from anyone, no text from anyone except my friend who has faithfully helped me and supported me all these years now. But what kind of life is this for anyone to lead. Someone up there must really hate me. It is unbelievable that this loneliness and no real professional help and support can leave me in this position.

So how was your Xmas this year Anne? Fucking shit, thanks for asking.

I called youngest asking him if he wanted chocolate cake and cream, his answer was no because he's tired, he said he was awake till 3am so was having a nap. I hope to god that doesn't mean he was out wandering the streets till 3am. I didn't even get a drink in the house this year because youngest used up so much of my money on going to his meet ups and his dates and on his concert tickets, I wish I hadn't bothered.

Youngest came down at 7pm, he said “I'm going on a walk to St Ann's park” to some lagoon he found last night. I said “it's raining and blowing a gale out there” he said “I have a jacket and a hat” I bet a thousand Euro if I'd asked him to go to the shop in this weather for me he would have told me no. I told him “it's not safe son” he said “it's not safe anywhere” and put a bottle of water in his bag, I asked him “why do you need water” he said “I was thirsty last night” He was putting the fear of god into me. He said “I'm going to take a lot of photo's with my new camera” It was pitch black outside and he had no super dooper flash so he was talking bollix, but what could I do, nothing. As he was going out I told him “be careful” he just said “bye” no kiss on my cheek which he would normally do before going out. Something is going on and I don't know what it is but my antenna is on high.

I heard eldest get up then come down stairs and I stood behind the door hiding because I wasn't fit in any shape or form to deal with him tonight. He didn't come near me thank god, my nerves were shattered in case he decided to batter me due to whatever was going on in his head. I have no idea why he's like this today, no idea at all. I believe he's mentally ill as none of what he does is normal and I know that youngest is going down the same path. Where the fuck are the children I gave birth to and raised, where have they gone, I want them back.

Youngest was gone for three hours. When he got back I tried to get him into conversation but he was not interested, he is not my youngest any more. I do not know who this person is. I asked to see his photo's, he just ignored me and went to the toilet then up to his room. I turned everything off and went to bed and wept and couldn't sleep. Happy Xmas Anne.

I sent an email to my friend and Edel from Gheel. I want them to know what is going on in this house and that none of it's normal and people better start paying attention as I'm living with two grown men who are not only abusive, aggressive but very obviously mentally ill and I'm going to be driven insane.

27^th December

Eldest is still not conversing nor communicating with either youngest or me, his Xmas presents are still under the tree.

Youngest has been up all night after his usual out in the dark walk to god knows where, so he will be in bed all day until late afternoon and only appear to feed himself and return to his bedroom for the rest of the day.

I was told by Gheel “It’s still youngest” after the diagnosis. No it is not and I should know as I gave birth to him and raised him for 18 plus years, I do not know this person, flashes of the old him do still appear but he is no longer as he used to be.

Eldest has simply morphed into his father, a sullen, aggressive, abusive, manipulator who punishes by with holding of communication when the victim has not a clue what they have done to upset the apple cart.

Thinking about my sons and what they are doing to me and how they are making me feel after all I have done for them on my own has made me feel angry. How dare they. Eldest withdraws all communication for no reason that I can see. How can he not open his presents on Xmas day and why the fuck not. Youngest takes off alone for hours without prior warning, all woe is him when he's writing online and talking of suicide and depression. But they are not like that in front of any professional or at school, it's all saved for mum, he cannot cope, get mum to sort it out, get mum to fight for him, get mum to defend him, get mum to protect him, run after him, fund him, feed him, clothe him. Well no more, I am not taking this any more.

I wonder how they would like to wake up every morning full of dread and fear in case they found my dead body lying in the house because that's how I wake up every morning due to my eldests constant talk of suicide. Asking me “get me tablets and alcohol so I can kill myself” and youngest writing on his blog “Just one more tablet. I am burning up now” And I am left a quivering wreck in case they succeed, it is mental torture. I am terrified of living in this house with them in case they carry out their threats and I am terrified to leave them in case they carry out their threats. I wish I was stronger and less of a mum, I wish I could leave them and not give them a backward glance because I know they would not give me a backward glance, a second glance or any thought about me. But I cannot change who I am.

I rang T hoping she would answer her phone. She did, I was so pleased to get to talk to her. I told her about eldest and his presents still unopened and not a word said to me or youngest and no reason why, she said “it's psychiatric help he needs and needs it soon before it's you that needs it” I told her about youngest and his late night walk abouts and strange behaviour and my emails to my friend and Edel from Gheel. T offered to come and get me out of the house but she had been drinking from last night till 3am and she felt ill. I told her “I did not have one drink in the house” I told her “don't come and get me because I would be worried about you driving and not feeling well” She said she would phone me later.

My friend rang me, she said “you should phone Women's Aid and if you are abused at all go into a refuge away from there”

Made dinner and called youngest, no answer, I'm not wasting my breathe, I just covered their dinners with plates, they can get it when they are hungry enough. I am not going near my eldest.

Youngest is acting very strange. He came and thanked me for his dinner, he said “I was asleep and didn't hear you call me” I hadn't mentioned to him that I'd called him so I know he wasn't asleep at all but I said nothing. He lay on my bed next to me but he didn't talk at all, after 15 minutes he got up and left my room. I feel like I've had the colour stripped from my life. Men their age are fighting for their country for god's sake.

29^th December Email to my friend

“Hi friend, I called Gheel both in Kildare and Fairview and no reply, nor Woman's Aid. I doubt anything will be back to normal till Tuesday 2nd now. I will be in bed and hopefully asleep by 7pm as I had a very disturbed night last night. Youngest has just told me he went walk about at midnight till 2am, he said there is no people about and he likes it, one of these days he will be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He won't listen”

30^th December Email to my friend:

“Hi friend, I had a reply from Edel on my mobile, she is out till next Tuesday and Deirdre is out till next Wednesday, she asked if everything was okay, but I had no credit left to reply. She said the day centre in Fairview is open but not many staff are on. No change here. Youngest is in bed most of day, says he's depressed. T is coming tomorrow with her niece for two days”

31^st December

T came to my rescue to spend New Year with me. She asked if she could bring her niece with her as she's looking after her to give her sister a break. She is only 7 and such a lovely child. T took me up to Tesco to get sweets, juice and a naggin of whisky and shortbread for the bells at midnight. Youngest said “I want to try whisky” so he had two small ones and said “I feel great” I said “any more and you will regret it and have a sore head” As soon as the bells went I cried like I always do, T held my right hand and youngest held my left hand. We then opened the front door to let the old year out and the new year in, neighbours across the road shouted Happy New Year. Me and T were up into the early hours of the morning talking.

That’s another year over, another desperately hard year over. I don't make lists any more of all my hopes and dreams for a new year because I'm not in charge of my own life. I don't live my life for me. I have been forgotten about in the great scheme of things. I don't seem to matter to anyone, not to my kids and not to any professional specifically Gheel who don't actually do what I assume they are paid to do and certainly don't listen to a bloody word I say.

I am glad to see the back of this year.

I had forgotten that earlier this year T and her best friend who lives abroad but is back in the country for a holiday took me to a small town two hours away to see a psychic tarot card reader. I have to admit I am a spiritual person but extremely cynical towards those who charge for their "gift" but off me and R went by train and we chatted like budgies and the journey went by in a flash and T arranged to meet us there. The chap we were booked in to see is very popular and it apparently can take many months to get an appointment with him and I was amazed to find out we had to see him in a pub, we waited two hours and in I went first and was blown away with all he said to me just from being in my company and from his deck of cards. I did not say a word to him:

"You're a practical, no airs and graces woman who is very structured and organised, a strong, very strong woman who has a very emotional side, soft side, you have gone thru a horrific time yet do not go around moaning. (I don't stop moaning in these journals)

“You have had to be strong, there is a lot of death and loss in your life, you have seen a lot of alcohol, aggression and abuse thru out life and you have fantastic memories even tho they are of a negative nature which is weird as you're a very happy person, a take it in your stride person. Your feisty but have calmed down over the years”

“You have only 2 or 3 very close friends, you had so many more but learnt the hard way who was genuine or not, these friends you have will never let you down and you will never let them down”

“You will never go back to your past, it took you too much hard work to escape it so do not be afraid to move forward”

“I see 3 perhaps 4 children, no it's 3 living children, how old is your youngest, this child is gentle, soft, family orientated, creative, has gone thru a tough time, has seen abuse and aggression, is very close to you”

“You will not spend your life on your own but you will never again marry in the future, you have been badly burnt and will not allow yourself to be again, you will have a different type of relationship as you will want to remain independent, you will have your place, he will have his and you will get together when it suits you both, lets put it this way, you will not hang around to make him breakfast in the mornings”

“One of your kids is very bad, is going to need minding, looking after for a very long time, don't try doing it all on your own, ask for help. I can see aggression here. Only you can cut the cord and you need to do it soon” (I was dying to tell the man everything at this stage but did not)

“Your social life is crap, when are you going to realise that you need a life too, your not a girl who likes pubs but you do have a love of people, music and dancing, you need to get out there, meet people, socialise even if it's a cup of tea somewhere, you will meet and fall in love with a man you have never met before and he will want to settle down but you want your freedom, you will meet somewhere in the middle over this”

“Do you have a question?”

“Yes, when will I get my divorce?”

“Around October all will be finished or all paperwork will be done, he is being awkward (no shit Sherlock) is a controller, it's not that he does not want a divorce, he does, but he wants to be the one to make all the decisions, it's coming to the point where he has no choice in the matter, someone else will do it and legally, you have entitlement to money and property”

“Your finances are a mess but will become more stable”

“Whether you believe or not in the spirit world, I can see you are surrounded by men and an unborn child, they are all very proud of you, you could have become hard and bitter after all you went thru but you haven't and you wont"

And I walked out and waited for the girls to have their turn but they were not as amazed as I was, how can someone say all that man did without knowing me nor having a conversation with me, I truly was amazed.

When we tried to leave this small town we were in for a shock, the whole place had shut down for some bike ride, it had not been done when we entered the pub so someone must have ran around like the devil to put up the barricades, we could not get in the car and leave and I was ready for panicking about the boys but I rang them and they were fine, they “would make a sandwich and be okay” they said till I got home.

We did not get out of that place till 9pm and it took two hours to get back but I had such a good time just getting out for a while and being in adult company.

I have no idea what next year will bring, I no longer have any expectations, all I can do is take it one day at a time but I know for certain that with the status quo of professionals and agencies doing sweet fuck all that nothing will change and I can only hope my boys will change or I do. I will not hold my breath waiting for any miracles.

Goodbye to this year.