Life's
a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke
It's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh
Is on you
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke
It's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh
Is on you
7th
January
Appointment
with Pieta House “will see you twice a week for 6 weeks, you're
grieving, we can help”
Text
from the ex's ex girlfriend at 15.36pm after I told her I do want any
more contact with her when I found out she was still in cahoots with
my ex:
“I
want to say this, I see only goodness and kindness and strength in
you, wish only good things for you, will never forget your kindness.
I've never had that level of kindness before, you have been above and
beyond a good friend to me and I am eternally grateful. You do what
you need to feel safe. Love, Respect and Peace x”
11th
January
Councillor
Tom Brabazon at door, there must be an election or something on. He
asked me on my door step if anyone living in the house had any issues
with anything. I told him about Gheel and the HSE, he gave me card
and told me he was also a solicitor and to send him an email. I did
and never heard another word out of him.
Got
a job in a Deli, just what I needed, something with no stress and
plenty of interaction with the public. I did one week for free just
to see if it fitted both me and the shop. I was doing great until the
ex's ex bombarded me with texts and emails, hundreds of them, non
stop, every minute of the day and night. Spiteful and evil spewings
of “be my friend”to “you're the most hated person I know” I
had awful mule like kick in the chest palpitations and had to go to
hospital.
24th
January
In
hospital all day, they wanted to admit me but I refused. I now have a
phobia of hospitals. I had to sign a form saying I take
responsibility for leaving. The ECG and blood tests were clear “it
must be stress”
Sent
the ex's ex a “stop the harassment or I'm going to the Garda”
She did not stop, she sent me 115 texts in one day of all she now
thinks of me.
27th
January: My letter to Tony O'Brien Director General of the HSE
“Dear
Tony O'Brien, Can you please help me? I am banging my head of a
brick wall trying to get answers from the HSE and Gheel Autism
Services who both contributed to the breakdown and destruction of my
family through a serious lack of support and services that I and my
family were legally entitled to. The following large documentation
of the history has been condensed as much as possible but I do hope
that you read and do hope that you get a flavour of what life was
like for me, as a full time carer screaming for help and supports and
services. I do know I'm not the only carer doing this and many others
are at this moment in time going through the same or similar or worse
but surely to god someone has to care otherwise why take the jobs you
all do. The documentation explains all. All I want are answers. I
will not stop till I get the answers I need, want and deserve. I
hope to receive a reply and/or acknowledgement from you and would be
grateful if you would do so. Yours sincerely”
30th
January
Reply
at last re my complaint to Geraldine Murphy, the Disability Manager
at the HSE. It's full of more holes than a packet of fucking polo
mints and contains nothing but made up lies, lies and more lies. The
only thing that makes me rear up like a lion are lies. That is
something I WILL NOT TAKE, EVER. FROM ANYONE.
My
Reply to Geraldine Murphy re her so called recorded facts
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “In
2009, your family moved into accommodation with a Housing Association
in Court Dublin. Your family received a supported housing place with
a family support worker for one year”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
was put forward for this housing accommodation by a Domestic Abuse
Agency in County S after a serious asthma attack where I could not be
hospitalised because of my responsibilities to my children. Not once
was it ever mentioned to me that HSE North Dublin were involved in
any way, shape or fashion and you are incorrect with your recorded
fact as I did not live with that refuge for one year. I lived at
************ from 14th
January 2009 until 23rd
December 2010, that is one year and 11 months. If HSE North Dublin
were aware of the existence of my family, they would have had
knowledge of why we had to move to live with the refuge and about my
son's HSE paid for diagnosis and Dr Shah's extensive report and
recommendations but nothing was done.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “In
July 2010 a case meeting was held with you in the Housing
Association. The assigned key worker was present, members of Gheel
Autism Services and others involved in the case. The HSE North Dublin
Disability Manager was not present”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: The
refuge on-site staff called a case
conference and contacted everyone I myself had contacted and who
couldn't have cared less. The fact that I had to go on the Joe Duffy
show may have helped speed up holding that meeting. You have
previously been informed of the actual words of Carol Doolan who left
a voice mail on my phone. The reason the refuge called this case
conference was because my son had attacked me physically (photo's of
the bruises he left on my body can be verified by the refuge on site
staff and my doctor and by way of photographs) and he threatened to
kill me or anyone I tried to get into the home to help me, the date
this happened was 10th
July 2010 at 8.30pm. I could do nothing due to my son's threats until
refuge staff returned to work, this was on 12th
July 2010, the day I had a 20 inch carving knife waved at my face and
was then chased down a flight of stairs and out into the street by my
son. Twenty Garda from R attended the premises and locked the estate
down for four hours. I called the GP and no help was received from
him. I called Gheel on 14th
July 2010 and told them I needed help, that I need support and I
needed services for my son and I needed it now. I was told that a
psychiatric assessment was urgent. I was told they would contact
Carol Doolan. I heard nothing back from either Gheel or Carol Doolan. I
and two other professionals called the Mental Health team, we got
told there was a long waiting list so no help there, a professional
on my behalf called Carol Doolan about the seriousness of the
situation, there was no help from her until she left this voice mail
“Little birdie said thought it might
have been you on Joe Duffy show, son same age as yours so thought in
the telling it could be you. Since I last saw you I have sent a
referral to our Primary Care Social Worker and there is one
psychologist in the community, I will see if they will provide some
support. Sonas are setting up a conference meeting which I am happy
to attend; Aspire and Gheel have been contacted to attend too. We can
see if there is anything we can do to give you support to assist you
and move you all forwards. Sorry you’re having such trouble trying
to access GP and mental health services, I am on leave Monday and
Tuesday morning but will try and phone you Tuesday afternoon but will
definitely ring you on Wednesday. Mind yourself”
Carol
Doolan did NOT call me and she did NOT attend the case conference
meeting called by the refuge. I did NOT receive any contact from the
Primary Care Social Worker nor any Community Psychologist. I did
however receive in the post a Change of Doctor form. Why
had not one professional from Gheel and the HSE who I was informed
were talking to one another about my family not manage to get a
doctor or a psychiatrist into the house as a matter of urgency for my
son after what he did to me. Gheel were invited by the refuge because
they were supposed to be the agency involved in my son's life regards
his HSE diagnosed Autism and I got in touch with them myself in April
2009 and handed over all my files to Peter Byrne personally and he in
turn contacted Carol Doolan that same week in 2009. The
rest you know as I explained fully in my comprehensive and detailed
complaint. You are correct that “The HSE North Dublin Disability
Manager was not present” she was supposed to be present because she
said she would be as per her voice mail to me and she also told the
refuge she would attend but as we sat around a table waiting for her
on 28th
July 2010 she rang my mobile phone and asked me if she could speak to
**** of the refuge and informed her she would not be attending after
all.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “A
further meeting was arranged for four weeks later”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: No
one from the HSE attended.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: The
following decisions were made: The key worker from the refuge, a
representative from Aspire and the Fingal Leader Programme would
continue to provide support to you”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: This
is incorrect. The key worker from the refuge was supporting me anyway
as per my contract with them signed on 13th
January 2009. Aspire have supported me by telephone every Friday
since 2007 when I first contacted them myself having been given their
details on a online parenting website. I
was given the name of an advocate S by another professional to assist
me in my families access to what should have been forthcoming but was
not. I was informed that I was outside Fingal's jurisdiction but they
accepted me due to the serious nature of violence and further
threatened violence from my son. The “specific supports for one of
your son's” did not ever materialise except a letter offering a PA
signed by Carol Doolan which he immediately rejected and I
immediately informed Gheel's Edel about this on 11 Oct 2010 at
12:54pm.
You
have stated as recorded fact that:
“July 2010- There was an incident at home and the Garda became
involved. A Mental Health Services doctor met with your family after
the incident. This meeting was set up by the then Disability Manager”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: The
incident at the family home was my son took possession unbeknown to
me of a 20 inch kitchen carving knife and large wallpaper cutting
scissors and waved this knife at me then chased me out of the house
with it which resulted in the refuge calling the Garda and a riot
squad attended the estate and locked it down for four hours.
It
is untrue your claim that “A Mental Health Services doctor met with
your family after the incident” The Garda themselves called D Doc
because the GP would not respond to anyone’s calls despite the
urgency. I
and two other professionals continually contacted my GP to get a
referral letter sent to the Mental Health Services. My visits to this
GP will no doubt be recorded at his surgery the many times I attended
to get this referral letter sent. I
chased Mental Health Services personally and spoke to a nurse called
F. I went with a refuge staff member to meet with Psychiatric
Consultant Dr Cannings stand in. My family did not attend. The main
problem appeared to be that the catchment area had been changed for 7
days. All
the Disability Manager Carol Doolan did was say by voice mail “
Sorry your having such trouble trying to access GP and Mental Health
Services and I subsequently received in the post a “change of
doctor” form. It may now be claimed on your records that Carol
Doolan “set up a meeting with a Mental Health Services Doctor”
but this is untrue.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “6th
September 2010-support package formulated by Gheel Autism Service”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Despite
numerous requests from me by telephone, by texts, by email and by
letter and in person, not once have I seen nor been told what the
support package was or what funding was paid to Gheel Autism Services
for my family. Why not? It is my assumption that you are not prepared
to answer this question as the numerous times I have asked, it has
either been ignored or evaded by both you and Gheel Autism Services.
Tax payers money was being used to provide services to myself and my
family and I have still yet to find out what for.
You
have stated as recorded fact that:
“September 2010- Your family moved Dublin 5”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: This
is not true. I and my two sons moved to my present address on 23rd
December 2010.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “6th
October 2010 A system of support was established for you with a key
worker from Gheel Autism Services. The details of the support package
was agreed with you by the key worker”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: This
is untrue. On 6th
October 2010 I was at St Pat's Hospital all day as a volunteer and
can provide email proof I sent to Edel of Gheel Autism Services. I
have never had anyone tell me what any support package was about so
how could I agree to something that was not discussed with me, which
is why I have continually asked to see documentation of this “support
package” since 2009 when I received no information from Peter Byrne
and Carol Doolan regards Dr Amitta Shah's extensive diagnostic report
and recommendations.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “
7th
July 2011- You, the key worker and Clinical Psychologist from Gheel
Autism Services met and discussed areas of concern for you and how
Gheel Autism Services could support you through difficult or
stressful times. A plan was put in place to support you”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: This
is not true. The following is the short version of what was actually
said at that meeting. Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell
explained Aspergers Syndrome to me. I
told Andy “I'm scared witless of “my son” and I cannot take any
more abuse or fear, my son is a walking volcano and I never know
when he's going to erupt or what he will do to me. I fully believe
that one day he will kill me or kill himself and he openly hates me
and it's like a constant drip drip drip of abuse, like acid dripping
on my heart and he switches everything round to always my fault so he
can piss off as I am done” That he “also punched “his brother”
in the face twice” I said “I am done, he is a grown man” I read
out the contents of a letter I drafted and wanted Gheel to send him,
I said that “I want him out of my house and into a safe place to
live where he can be helped by Professionals and it should have been
done straight away as per Dr Amitta Shah's report and
recommendations” Edel told me “giving an ultimatum will stress
him out” I said “I do not care how stressed out he gets, welcome
to my world, is it okay for me to be this stressed out then”
Consultant
Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell said “you have been everything
in your kids life so you are his focal point for everything” he
said he knows that “it is horrible” for me, and the issue is what
do I want to happen. I said “I want him out but it has to be in a
safe place and not just dumped on the streets by the Garda if I am
forced to call them. I love him enough to help him but hate him
enough now to want him out of my house as I know that one of us is
going to end up dead” Andy Mc Donnell said “you cannot support
him any more, coping strategies have broken down in the family, this
is what we need to word to the HSE, he needs a service, a full
package of services, he is a volcano all the time, that is how these
guys operate, you need to inform us formally that you cannot cope any
more” I said “I am doing it now, I have the letter in my hand
now” Andy McDonnell said “the letter you want to give him could
either help him or send him up the pole, we need to remove you so
that supports can step in, would you be prepared to leave” I said
“that house is my first permanent home in five years, where would I
go” Andy McDonnell said “he needs to be apart from you, for your
own health, it always reaches this point with families, we have to
justify it to the HSE, it's your safety, his safety, he has been
writing to you about suicide, no way will he be able to live with
someone else, it will not be the most difficult package to apply for,
it will provide three squares and support firstly at a distance,
email etc. will be done subtly till he wants to engage These guys are
the hardest to live with on the planet, we will get our heads
together, I am talking days not months, will contact the HSE tell
them it’s crisis point, will make sure something is put in place as
an emergency, you are incredibly stressed, I remember telling Martin
when I last saw you, that woman is under incredible stress, if we
engineered something to get you away for a couple of days would you
go” I said “yes but I would still be worried about him and I
would have to take my youngest as if they get in a row my eldest will
batter him” Andy said they “will put a proposal in to take the
pressure off you, will be easy enough to send a Gheel support worker
in just to check on him” Edel
said “we will talk to the Disability Manager and we will draft the
letter for HSE, I know it all, I will talk to Peter (Byrne) about
the best person to send into the house” Andy
McDonnell said “this will be another go at engaging with him but a
different way, we'll contact the HSE and tell them this is coming to
a crisis and we need to make sure something is put in place as an
emergency, we'll tell the HSE we have a real problem here and you are
reaching breaking point. “Eldest is classical Aspergers,
withdrawn, won't connect with other people, many sensory processing
issues, we need to get him to understand why he feels as he does, you
need to look after yourself and it's best not to respond to his
emails, keep everything low key” I
told Andy McDonnell “at our last meeting all I could remember from
it was him telling me that they had to go to the high court to get a
child removed from their family to get them proper help and I saw
this as a veiled threat to me and my family” He told me he
“remembers that it was a long meeting, a two hour meeting and
perhaps I may have said that I go to the high court to secure
services for families” I said “I know exactly what you said”
He replied “Sorry if that is what you heard” He said they “will
have an in house meeting to get their heads together and then write
to the HSE and see what can be done” On
15th
July 2011 on hearing nothing from Gheel regards Andy McDonnells words
of “Eldest needs to be apart from you, for your own health, it
always reaches this point with families, we have to justify it to the
HSE, it's your safety, his safety as he has been writing to you about
suicide, no way will he be able to live with someone else, it will
not be the most difficult package to apply for, it will provide three
squares and support firstly at a distance, email etc. will be done
subtly till he wants to engage These guys are the hardest to live
with on the planet, will get our heads together, I am talking days
not months, will contact the HSE tell them it’s crisis point, will
make sure something is put in place as an emergency, you are
incredibly stressed, I remember telling Martin when I last saw you,
that woman is under incredible stress” I sent Edel a text asking
if we could have a chat. She said she was drafting the letter to the
HSE but there's no rush as the Disability Manager is off sick, I said
there must be someone standing in, she said no. There
was NO plan put in place to support me, that may what you have
recorded on file but it is untrue. I asked for and never received any
copy of any letter Gheel Autism Service sent to your office about the
true conversation that took place between myself, Andy McDonnell and
Edel in Gheel Autism Services in their Dublin office.
You
have stated as recorded fact that:
“22nd
July 2011- I received a letter from the Gheel key worker with an
application for funding for a support package for you and your
family. Funding was made available at that time to provide this
support through Gheel Autism Services. The key worker from Gheel
Autism Services would continue to support you. At the same time you
were referred to the HSE Social Worker but you refused this service”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Not
true, I did NOT refuse any Social Worker as NONE was offered to me. The
only time I heard of Social Workers in Dublin 5 was whilst living in
the refuge when Anne Maloney and Mary McNutt were both at the Case
Conference the refuge called for as NO ONE was helping me at all
despite my exhaustive attempts. They both stated that “this is a
disability issue” At
that same meeting Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning queried “why
PCT and Disability were not already on board with this family” The
only time I refused to meet with a Social Worker was when I refused
to attend any more tea and sympathy meetings with yourself and Mary
Mc Nutt because they were a waste of time in my opinion and for the
two meetings I did not attend, Gheel Autism Services Edel asked for
my permission to attend in my place and I said yes and I know that
she did attend. The
only documentation or talk about social work at all was when I
received a letter posted to the refuge, received by them on 7th
September 2010 from HSE Child Protection Social Workers stating they
are taking no action re Child Protection Issues as Mrs **** is doing
all she can to seek help for her son via Autism Agencies. “My
eldest” was reported to them by the refuge because “my youngest”
was under 18 when the knife incident happened. Again
despite repeatedly asking and being ignored, I again request to know
the details of the package that was put in place, the funding you
paid to Gheel Autism Services and why nothing was done by Carol
Doolan in April 2009 when I first gave Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism
Services, Dr Shah's report and recommendations and also a copy to
Carol Doolan and whilst I am on the subject not one answer has been
given by you as to my question of why this HSE paid for Report and
Recommendations were ignored by both you, Carol Doolan and Gheel
Autism Services. By ignoring this report I was at risk and the HSE
did not offer me any support despite Dr Shah forewarnings and despite
Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Canning reading it out to all at the
refuge Case Conference and said it should be read, updated and
implemented. Peter Byrne and Edel of Gheel Autism Services were
present and heard this, Anne Maloney and Mary McNutt of HSE North
Dublin were also present and heard this too.
My
son also had no education in seven years despite my exhaustive
efforts to secure him an education, if it were me withholding him
from attending a school I am sure I would have been hauled into the
courts as to why.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “1st
August 2011- You asked if the support package could be postponed
until alternative accommodation could be sourced or made available in
the event of a crisis”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: This
is untrue.
On
25/7/11 I had a meeting at Gheel Autism Services with Edel to discuss
what Consultant Clinical Psychologist Andy McDonnell had done regards
the meeting I had with him about getting “eldest” out of my house
and I was introduced to Darragh Byrne. I was told, not asked, I was
told that Darragh Byrne will be “eldests” support worker and that
he will engage with “eldest”. I was told that they needed me out
of my house for an hour. I told them I was totally confused and asked
what happened to all the talk by Andy McDonnell Consultant
Psychologist about “eldest” needs to be apart from you, for your
own health, it always reaches this point with families, we have to
justify it to the HSE, it's your safety, his safety as he has been
writing to you about suicide, no way will he be able to live with
someone else, will not be the most difficult package to apply for,
will provide three squares and support firstly at a distance, email
etc. These guys are the hardest to live with on the planet, will get
our heads together, I am talking days not months. Will contact the
HSE and tell them it’s crisis point, will make sure something is
put in place as an emergency, you are incredibly stressed, I remember
telling Martin when I last saw you, that woman is under incredible
stress” Edel
then told me that she was going on holiday and I had to phone Deirdre
as my contact support, I said no thank you as I would not feel
comfortable with talking to her. Darragh Byrne told me twice that he
is “eldests” support and will only be there for him then minutes
later tells me I can ring him for support whilst Edel is off.
Darragh Byrne told me I had no choice in the matter. I put him
straight, telling him I certainly do have a choice regards my family
situation. I was told, not asked, I was told to let a complete
stranger into my house when I am not there and any back lash from
“eldest” which was a given as prior history had proven would only
be directed at me, as he would never explode at a stranger, he would
save it all till I was in front of him, I said that was a mental
situation and asked where is the backup emergency I was told would be
put in place. They told me they wanted to meet me at a cafe at 9.45am
and give Darragh Byrne a key and I had to stay out of the house for
an hour with Edel. I went to see Andy McDonnell because I wanted
“eldest” out of my house and into accommodation with supports and
Andy McDonnell agreed that I was extremely stressed and he would tell
the HSE that he believed I was heading for a breakdown and it would
take days not months to sort out and he would engineer a couple of
days away for me and “youngest” so how in gods name had that all
changed now, that I have to let a stranger into my house with no back
up plan in sight. “eldest” will explode, will say nothing to a
stranger but will have a lot to say and do to me, I said this is all
wrong and a mess and told them they haven't a clue what they are
doing, the risk they are putting me at. So
the truth is not what you have on file. I did NOT ask for any
postponement, I stated that I was not going ahead with their
change of plan that I was not informed about or asked about because
it clearly put me in danger. It was not what I agreed to, it was a
change of goal posts by Gheel Autism Services. I can provide all
email correspondence between Edel and myself at this time that proves
all I say.
You
have stated as recorded fact that:
“24th
August 2011- One of your sons was admitted to hospital. The key
worker from Gheel Autism Services supported you through this crisis”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
had my “youngest” at the family doctor on the 31st
as he'd emailed me over night “How can you not see that I'm
mentally ill. I need serious professional psychiatric help.
This depression is poisoning my brain and
I'm sick of it. I can no longer live like this, I refuse to. I've
been on the verge of killing myself for the past two weeks. I walked
5 hours yesterday to find and try to admit myself into a psychiatric
hospital but there was no entrance nor anyone around to ask” I
had to take him to see the GP that morning. On returning home
“eldest” had been vomiting for 12 hours straight so I called an
ambulance and he was taken to Hospital by ambulance on 31st August
2011 where he was admitted on an emergency basis for further tests
and spent two days there. Edel did indeed gave me wonderful support
on the 31st August up till 3am on 1st
September. I and “youngest” had no support at all on the 1st and
2nd September from anyone at all despite no sleep had by me and
“youngests” fast, declining mental health which Edel was told
about.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: 21st
November 2011- You and the key worker had a support meeting in your
home”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Edel
was at my house to help with “youngests” Disability Allowance
Application, she said she would chase you up about a letter of
support for “youngest” which never materialised.
You
have stated as recorded fact that:
“23rd
December 2011- The key worker contacted you to organise a phone call
prior to Christmas. You indicated that you were fine and declined to
take this phone support”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Untrue
and I hope there are phone records to prove me incorrect. I have
email proof to a professional that I needed, wanted and was desperate
for help and supports with my sons.
You
have stated as recorded fact that:
“27th
December 2011- You stated to the key worker that you could no longer
cope with the current situation and planned to leave home”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
sent the following e mail to Edel Griffin on 27th
December 2011:
“Dear
Edel, I have had some pretty bad Xmas days in the past but today has
got to be the worst so far. This will be my very last begging letter
for help before I either, run away, kill myself or end up in a
lunatic asylum. You would have to live with my children to know the
living hell it is. For whatever reason, because there never is
one, eldest decided to completely withdraw, no happy Xmas, no opening
of his gifts, still unopened under the tree as I write, ignored me
and pretended to be asleep, left his dinner untouched (normally his
favourite) had cereal instead, stayed the whole day in his room using
the toilet only twice. I asked youngest to take up water and coke to
him, he got told “go away” youngest comes down to me and tells me
not to go any where near him as he feels by his mood he is going to
erupt and if I do go near him this means I will be goading him! (his
fathers words for everything) So I stayed in the living room with the
sound down on the TV absolutely petrified out of my skull, just in
case. On the two occasions I heard him get up to come down to the
toilet I stood behind the door in sheer terror. I have not seen him
face to face at all today and I am not going to live another second
of my life like this, I do not want nor deserve this any day of the
week, never mind Xmas day. Youngest also apparently has his “own
problems” so big, he can never tell me, has began to go walk about
at night alone for up to three hours, he has just come back now and I
am about to combust with my nerves gone haywire. My sons need proper
help, whatever form that may take; I need more than chats in person
or on the phone. I have spent the whole day in solitary confinement
yet have done nothing wrong, I have spoken to no one and no one has
spoken to me and I am not cut out for this way of life. There is more
than Aspergers Syndrome affecting my son’s, especially eldest and
I'm telling you I am not physically nor mentally equipped to cope.
None of this is normal; I could not even have an alcoholic drink
today for fear of my tongue loosening and potential back lash. This
is my life, I should be able to relax and feel no fear in my own
home. This should have been dealt with in a professional capacity
after the knife incident instead of being left to fester as it has
done. I have repeatedly asked to see the so called Family Support
Plan drawn up at a meeting and signed of by Carol Doolan, to date I
have seen nothing, I have no idea what Gheel’s input is supposed to
be as so far all that has come up is a professional to come into the
house and try and engage with him which he will never do as no one
has given a stuff the past almost 6 years, how is he supposed to
accept this and change over night as he sure as hell is not taking up
another minute of my life. He is a bully, he is an abuser. For him to
meet Michael Mc Creadie he took 9 Xanax and he then practically held
me and youngest captive with no let up, all that was wrong with
youngests career choice, how I should be parenting youngest, how we
were not to leave the room etc whilst Michael was there. On 27th
Dec: eldest is still not conversing nor communicating with either
youngest or me, his presents are still under the tree. Youngest has
been up all night after his usual out in the dark walk to god knows
where, so will be in bed all day until late afternoon and only appear
to feed himself and return to his bedroom for the rest of the day. I
was told by Gheel “It’s still him” after the diagnosis. No it
is not and I should know as I gave birth to him and raised him for 18
plus years, I do not know this person, flashes of him do still appear
but he is no longer as he used to be. Eldest has simply morphed into
his father, a sullen, aggressive, abusive, manipulator who punishes
by with holding of communication when the victim has not a clue what
they have done to upset the apple cart. Three days I have spent in
hell this Xmas, not another one will I put up with”
Nowhere
does this email say anywhere that I “planned to leave home” In
fact I had no reply to this email or to any calls or texts that I
sent to the 24 hour per day Gheel Autism Service Outreach number, nor
their office in Fairview or their Kildare office who I rang on 29th
December 2011. I did get a text message from Edel on 30th
December to tell me that she “is out till next Tuesday and Deirdre
is out till next Wednesday” (I am sure this can easily be verified
if you ask them to provide you with the dates they returned from the
Xmas holiday) and that “the day centre in Fairview is open but not
many staff are on"
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “3rd
January 2012 - The key worker made phone contact with you on receipt
of your mail. You left the family home that afternoon and went to a
friend in S”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
did NOT
speak to the key worker Edel at all, in fact I sent an email to a
professional I trust telling her “ Still
not a word from Gheel, however I no longer care as I'm leaving today
after what I saw youngest had posted online. I am going to T's. I am
deeply sorry that you had to be burdened with all this during your
holiday period and I thank you sincerely”
I
did my sons food shopping, I left personal, lambasting letters for my
sons along with money for them in an envelope on my kitchen work top.
I left my house and switched my phone off. There was no mail sent to
the key worker and no contact with the key worker from me. She did in
fact ring my mobile the next day but it was answered by my friend T,
not me. What you have recorded on file is untrue yet again.
You
have stated as recorded fact that “Email
received from from the Consultant Psychologist, Gheel Autism Services
dated 6th
January 2012 requesting a meeting with myself, Ms. Mary McNutt, HSE
North Dublin Primary Care Social Worker Team Leader, yourself and one
of your son's”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
was not informed of any such meeting, I was not invited to any such
meeting so your records on file are untrue. Also,
at 2.24pm on 6/1/2012 Edel Griffin rang me to say that “Mary Mc
Nutt HSE Social Worker wants to meet with eldest and youngest alone
for consent reasons” I told her to ask my sons, not me. Edel told
me “you cannot all live under the same roof any more as things
stand” I said how long have I been telling you lot this, since 2009
and you all did nothing and look at the state of me, the state of my
family. Edel said “you all need your own space, the boys need an
independent life” I asked her “does Mary McNutt have a magic wand
to get eldest out of the house then to get his consent” considering
he's had agoraphobia since 2006. Edel said “it has been explained
to Mary that he cannot meet outside of the house” Edel told me when
Mary McNutt had seen the boys she will then see me, I asked why? I
was told by Edel Griffin that the Disability Manager says she knows
of no emergency accommodation at present and is bringing on-board the
social worker Mary McNutt as she knows more about housing than the
Disability Manager does. I told Edel, no thanks, Mary can work away
with the boys and I have no need for help with housing and I have no
interest in seeing Mary McNutt because she left the Refuge Case
Conference in 2010 early, telling all round the table which included
Edel that it was a disability issue, so why would I now be meeting
with her when she knew all along what has been going on and what
supports were obviously needed, not even my son battering me then
chasing me out of my house with a 20 inch kitchen carving knife
stirred her into any action or support and I find all this peculiar
as I have a letter from the same social work Dept. after the knife
incident who stated they could not get involved as “Mrs **** has
done everything she can to get help for her children”
You
have stated as recorded fact that “9th
January 2012 meeting took place. Primary Care Social Worker Team
Leader arranged to meet with you the following day at 3.30pm”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
was not at any meeting that I knew nothing about, I was not informed
about the meeting. Edel asked me would I meet with yourself and and
Mary Mc Nutt at 3.15pm, she asked if she could come with me for
support. I asked what the meeting was to be about, Edel said to
discuss getting the boys alternative housing and see what other
agencies can do to help. I said I will go but only to discuss getting
my sons into alternative accommodation and nothing else.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “9th
January 2012 meeting took place. The Primary Care Social Worker Team
Leader, key worker and I met with you. Discussions included
applications for housing for your two sons. The key worker and you
agreed to discuss the possibility of family mediation therapy. A
period of respite for you was also discussed”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Mary
Mc Nutt was late. I was told that youngest and eldest want to live
together with supports in place, I told you all that you obviously do
not know the first thing about my sons and it is utter madness to
even consider such a thing. I asked how would you all like to live
with a bully who is volatile, threatening, violent and abusive. I
said that it would not be fair on youngest at all as he will only end
up in the same position as me, as eldests skivvy and dart board. I
got told that things are difficult as no place is available for my
sons, I said try living my life and you will know the real meaning of
what is “difficult” I am told that youngest has no income. I said
I am well aware my son has no income because I alone am keeping and
feeding and clothing and giving money to him with an income that is
meant to be for one person only to live on. I
told you all I cannot cope any more, that I refuse to cope any more,
I refuse to live this way, I ask you all if any of you could they
live this way. You all said no. Mary
McNutt asked me if I would agree to mediation with youngest with her
being present to repair our relationship, repair hurt feelings from
me reading his blog. I said not a chance in hell will I and asked her
what age does she think I am. I said I will never “mediate” with
youngest after the dangerous lies he has told and written about me,
there is no trust and I will not communicate with my son for fear of
what I will be accused of next, I said that once one lie is told then
a thousand others have to be told to the cover up the last one and I
will not accept or live with that as I had more than my fair share of
twisted, viscous lies with living with his father and I almost lost
my mind due to mind games and mental torture so you all should be
under no illusion that I will ever accept any nonsense, bull or lies
from anyone ever again in my life, that I will always expose liars
for what they are. I am told it is all down to youngests age and his
disability on top, I remind you all that none of you know my son and
he was raised knowing right from wrong. I am asked will I at least
think about it and I tell you all that I have said no and that will
not change, ever. I am told that there is no place specifically for
Aspergers Syndrome, I tell you all that this is not true as a
psychiatrist agreed to give his full support for eldest to go to Nua
Health Care which is an establishment specifically for Aspergers
Syndrome which I personally visited and the Consultant Psychiatrist
then retracted his full support after his boss questioned him on who
suggested this private and expensive place. I told you all I
believed it was easier and cheaper for you all to have me live this
life of hell at home and end up falling apart or in a psychiatric
ward myself due to what I was living with. Edel
said that she could speak to Peter Byrne about getting me respite
because “you like being besides the sea, what about a couple of
days per month away, we can send someone to the house to check on the
boys and the animals” I said I have heard that same nonsense since
2009 and nothing ever materialised and I will have all the respite I
want and need when my sons are out of my house which is why I agreed
to come to this meeting, I said I was told by you all that this was
to discuss alternative accommodation for my boys because I do not
want my sons living under my roof, that I am living a life of hell.
I told you all that I am a sociable person who has given up
everything to have no life for myself yet I am despised and treated
appallingly and it stops. Edel says she has never seen anyone shake
as much as she saw me shake on Thursday, she said “it was like you
were in shock or terror and that's why you need to get away from the
house and have a real break as your completely exhausted” I said I
have heard it all before and it is only ever words and I want my
house to myself, it is my house, not my sons and I want my sons out.
I am told that getting housing is going to take time and that the
first step is form filling as the boys are adults so they have got to
agree to this first, I said they have no choice, they are not living
with me, I am told it also has to do with rent allowance, I said it
is not my problem, I am told as youngest has no income he cannot even
apply. I said that is not my problem. I say, so I am just expected to
put up with the status quo, locked in my room, no communication, no
respect, no decency, live in fear of what can be said or done or
posted online, I have no friends, no family, no company, I am treated
appallingly and I am despised by my own children so I am going to be
completely honest with you all right now. I cannot live this way, I
refuse to live this way, I will kill myself to escape this terror I
am living under, I see no way out, I see nothing changing so why are
we even here, this is an hour of my life I will never get back so why
are we here, what is the alternative accommodation I was here to be
told about. I told you all that eldest frequently talks about killing
himself and I get told by him that I deserve to die and he hopes that
he is the one to do it to me and I believed that if that happens it
will only be yesterdays news one day as I really believe that none of
you care at all. I am told it will all take time and you will all be
on board to support me as you all know it has drained me and I need
support to help me through. I again remind you all that I have heard
the same nonsense spouted since 2009 and reminded Mary that she
walked out of the case conference called by the refuge as she herself
claimed it was a disability matter and not a social work issue. I am
then told you have meetings elsewhere so you have to leave. Edel
dropped me home at 5pm. She asks how I feel, I said it was a waste of
time and useless.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “31st
January 2012- Phone call to me from the key worker indicating that
you were pursuing an eviction order against your two sons. Gheel
Autism Services indicated that they would like to provide an outreach
team to support the boys during the transition. You refused to allow
the meetings to take place in your home. The Primary Care Social
Worker Team Leader provided support to your family regarding
applications for housing for your sons”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: I
met with a solicitor who gave me advice that the status quo with
Gheel Autism Services and the HSE North Dublin would continue if I
did not put a stop to it after I had informed her of the following:
On the 20th
January after finding out that two small peeling knives that were no
longer in my kitchen were in fact under my son's pillow I got a
Protection Order from the court. I informed Edel by text at 1.37pm,
she rang me at 2.09pm, she said she had updated the Disability
Manager about the text I sent and she will call me again later. At
4.06pm Edel rang me and told me the Disability Manager will meet face
to face with the General Manager early next week due to the urgency
but that it still could take some time. She gave me an outreach
number for Gheel and said I can call it at any time, it's staffed 24
hours a day, I did not know such a service existed. I told her I am
not giving eldest the Protection Order until it all has been
explained to him but he must be told as this order means that I am
safe in my own home and cannot be abused by him any longer and I need
this Protection Order for my own safety. She suggested I leave the
house for a couple of days when the letter arrives from court, I said
where to, I have no where to go, and this is my house and I will not
leave it, the order is a Protection Order so why would she be even
telling me to leave. She told me to just leave the house if I feel at
all threatened by him. On 23rd
January 2012, Edel rang me at 11.40am and asked how things were over
the weekend, I told her I kept mostly to my bedroom, only out of it
to do the housework, take the dog out and make the boys dinner, she
said that it is good and will avoid conflict. I was astounded at her
saying this, I said you are aware that I am the adult, the head of
the house, the parent here or are you mistaken me for someone else,
she said she thinks it is good that I am protecting myself from any
potential conflict. I said you have no idea at the living hell this
is, and I have to live like this at my age in my house, she says she
understands how difficult it must be, I said how could you, you do
not live like this, she said but she can empathise. She told me Mary
McNutt was taking youngest to housing in DCC to hand forms in. It
now seems like they have forgotten all about eldest and this Mary
asking to meet with him in the house, she has not been near him at
all. I was told by Edel that the only difficulty re youngest is that
he has no photo ID, she said he will need a passport or a driving
licence and that both boys have neither. I told her the times I have
given youngest the information that he can get ID for €2.50 at the
bus station but that’s not good enough for him. I repeated like I
have said a million times before that eldest will not have his
photograph taken by me or anyone else, she said she will need to see
if there was a way around this. She said she will try and come out
today or tomorrow to tell eldest about the Protection Order, and yes
she got my email but she thinks youngest should be there for eldests
sake, to support him thru this. You would think to listen to Edel
that eldest was the victim in all this. She said she had spoken to
Mary McNutt, they now feel I need the support of counselling re what
I am going thru and about to go thru, she asked me could she contact
some agencies for me, I reminded her she has been saying the same
thing for god knows how long but again I said yes and I am surprised
they are now giving me any thought at all or is this being said just
because I last said by email to her that I have not been given any
support surrounding abuse from my two sons as all they focus on is
Aspergers, yet they know as I was told by Andy McDonnell that “these
guys are the hardest to live with on the planet” it appears this
does not to matter at all any more.
On
24th
January 2012, a text from Edel at 1.50pm, she will be at my house to
tell eldest about the court order at 6pm, she will meet me outside
the house so I can give her the protection order to give to him.
She's meeting Geraldine Murphy tomorrow, a face to face meeting with
the General Manager has been held, they are going over costings and
hours so she will catch up with me on Wednesday after her meeting
with Geraldine Murphy. Edel
tells the boys in my house “I am speaking to Geraldine Murphy
tomorrow re the costings, the Disability Manager has spoken to the
General Manager about renting a house for the both of you. In some
ways because this protection order is there I think the HSE has to
act quite quickly, it’s showing something needs to happen” On
25th
January 2012, Edel sends a text at 4.10pm, “Geraldine Murphy has to
go back to the General Manager in relation to funding again, she said
she would let me know by Friday” I told her I would only be happy
to await funding and would be able to tick along only, I repeat only
if I had proper supports in place as I cannot continue alone and
isolated as I have had too, I am always led to believe I have support
but when push comes to shove it does not materialise and I am sick of
it, what do they think I am, but if one of my sons puts a foot wrong
or says the wrong thing as in verbally abuse me one more time then
they will be out on the streets and I mean it. She says she
understands but will not tell the HSE this as could affect funding. On
30th
January 2012 at 21.30pm I sent an email to Edel
“I
have said continually by email, text and word that I do not feel
supported enough surrounding abuse from my sons, I see now that this
will not change and I am appalled that I have been left to cope with
this living hell in solitary confinement. I can sense and feel by my
adult sons attitudes that they feel they have Gheel and the HSE in
their corner so I now have no voice in my own house yet expected to
carry on cleaning, cooking etc and locking myself in my bedroom from
7pm till the next day. I have begged for help and support since
September 2006 and no one provided anything, not even when my son
punched and kicked me, not even when he chased me out of the refuge
house with a 20 inch carving knife then you tell me that eldest
believes he was protecting me by hiding two small sharp knives in his
room for two days, despite the previous violence resulting in Garda
in riot gear, detectives and a negotiator taking four hours to get
him to throw the carving knife out, what chance do I have with this
attitude. A handful of meetings with my son when he is Xanaxed out
of his head does not mean that you know him, you have not lived with
him, not had the vile verbal abuse, the disgusting abusive emails,
the fist, the boot, the carving knife. This all made it totally clear
to me I am nothing except cannon fodder to your company, money comes
before people, people's lives have to be destroyed before you
actually do anything. It appears to me that your job was to
hypothetically make sure I was held together to continue with this
life of abuse and misery. It stops now. Any future meetings that
Gheel wish to have with my adult sons will be done outside of my
house, I presume someone will have to provide eldest with his nine
Xanax to get him to any meeting and provide him with transport. I
will be obtaining eviction orders to have them formally removed from
my house, unlike my adult sons I will not stoop as low as to lie
about them to have the Garda remove them. Please inform me when
alternative accommodation has been financed for them and I will
inform you when I have the eviction orders. I gave up any life of my
own for my adult sons, I realise I have wasted these years. I have
been left in a war zone situation and no one gives a damn”
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “The
Primary Care Social Worker Team Leader provided support to your
family regarding applications for housing for your sons”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Mary McNutt took
youngest to DCC with a housing form, she did not do anything about
eldest.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “14th
June 2012- Letter from Gheel Autism Services outlining support
package required for you. This support package included training in
the management of challenging behaviour, continued support by an
identified Gheel Autism Services staff member and counselling. This
service was offered to you, in addition to being offered a referral
to psychology services in ----- these offers were declined by you”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Untrue,
absolutely untrue. No support package
was ever discussed with me. No training in the management of
challenging behaviour was ever offered to me, why would it be when I
had made the decision that I could no longer have my sons living with
me any more because I could not cope with any more of their abuse,
suicide attempts, self harming, this is all untrue. Edel told me
frequently she would “source the correct type of counselling” but
nothing was ever done to do so. I was NEVER offered a referral to
psychology services in ----------- I was offered meetings with
Consultant Psychologist Michael McCreadie in Gheel Autism Services, I
was told these would be on an ongoing monthly basis but were not, he
met with me ONCE in Fairview.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “22nd
June 2012- The Disability Manager met with Gheel Autism
Services-There was a discussion regarding your improving relationship
with your son (A) and the possibility of offering a Psychology
Service to you through Gheel Autism Services.
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Note
the following and also note that you might have been talking about me
and my family and come up with something to write down but the
reality was so very different. On
the 25/6/12 I met Edel. She told me she had the meeting with
Geraldine Murphy and Mary McNutt on my behalf; she was told there is
no funding for the boys to get their own accommodation. She said she
emphasised the urgency that something has to be done and put in place
now. Her and Gheels plan is to get two key support workers into the
house twice a week and offer the boys courses, help them with CV’s;
tell them about the open house they now have. I said you are all
totally barking mad. My sons have more intelligence than us all put
together, they would not do any course as they have major social
anxieties because they are on the Autism Spectrum and have Aspergers
Syndrome, eldest has it in severe form. Eldest has not been in any
human company since 2006, youngest claims all society are retards and
he will not associate with social retards due to constant bullying he
suffered at every school he attended. I reminded Edel all the times I
attempted to get eldest an education thru “Not School” who I got
to install a computer in the refuge house, the Open University
material I tried to get him to go thru, the FAS people I spoke to and
asked to think outside the box to help him at least get an education.
I have not been able to get eldest to meet the family doctor so how
the hell can he go to an open house. It did not work in another
county sending someone into the house so how do they think it is
going to work in Dublin and how does this give me back the life that
has been stolen from me without my consent, how does this allow me a
social life, work life, sex life, normal life, how does this stop the
daily mental roller-coaster of verbal abuse, mental and emotional
abuse, threats, actual violence, the fear and the stress I have to go
thru never knowing when either son will flip or shut down or melt
down or rip themselves apart with blades or overdose or keep me awake
all night if they are high on medication and want to tell me all they
feel inside for hour upon hour and not let me have any peace, or
peace of mind. The other county tried the same thing; called it
Family Support in the house and eldest locked himself away, refused
to engage, I had to put up and shut up or it would be seen as me
refusing to comply or as refusing help. Have any of you actually read
Dr Shah’s Report and Recommendations, it states eldest is likely to
react badly to any confrontation or any forceful treatment and that
he has attempted suicide previously, that if he is fearful or angry,
which is a daily occurrence not only due to Autism but his
personality he could take it out on his mother and his brother which
he has done and done frequently, the report states it is extremely
difficult for Mrs **** to share a living space with eldest and suffer
the constant verbal abuse, demands, and difficult behaviours and
would help eldest and the family situation enormously if they were
housed in two adjacent units. Eldest may relax a lot more in his own
space whilst still having his mother and brother next door. These
were immediate recommendations and if eldest responded then the plan
of a support worker could be gradually introduced. If eldest did not
respond and becomes more rigid and more controlling, different
strategies will have to be tried. I quoted all this to Edel as I
always carry Dr Shah’s report in my handbag so asked what the hell
they are playing at; it is in black and white. Why are they trying to
close the gate after the horse has bolted, if they go ahead with
their crazy and un thought thru plan then only I am in the firing
line, not one of them is at risk, they all get to go home and unwind,
this is my life which they do not hold in any kind of regard, I am
not important, I am guilty only of giving birth to my son’s, and
only of being so stressed out without services, supports and help
that my physical and mental health is at risk. Edel
tells me that is all that is being offered.
I said it’s not acceptable, that house is my space and I have to
let strangers into my house knowing full well none of this will work
to the benefit of my sons but will only impact on the detriment to my
safety and my health. Edel said we will find a way to work round
that, I've not a clue what that is supposed to mean. She tells me it
is a good opportunity for me to get out and about and do my own
thing, I ask doing what and with what as I am living in poverty as a
carer, I live day to day as that is all my income allows me to, I am
keeping youngest on what one person is supposed to live on as he has
no income, Edel tells me to ask eldest to contribute more, I said I
will not as he is saving up to get braces for his teeth and that
costs thousands. I reminded her I have no friends at all due to the
solitary life I have had to lead due to non stop drama and no
services and no supports and no help. She tells me we shall meet up
on Friday to go over the plan and the times for key workers to come
to the house but that it has not yet been signed off by Geraldine
Murphy yet. I told her again they are all mad, my sons are adults,
they have the right to accept or refuse, I have the right to accept
or refuse anyone entering my home, that they are going about this all
wrong, why do they not ever listen to me, I am the only person who
knows my sons, they do not. I told her to read Dr Shah's report and
tell Geraldine Murphy and Mary Mc Nutt to get it read too. I am
agreeing to none of this till I have thought it thru, she said we
shall talk it over on Friday. On
29th
June 2012 I met Edel in Gheels office Fairview. I am told, not asked,
that they are sending Paul, one of Gheel support worker to the house
twice a week, that the Disability Manager will pay for it. I told her
that eldest has already said he is not interested or are they just
going to ignore him as well as me. I asked till I'm blue in the face
if they have an emergency backup plan if this goes wrong. I am told
by Edel to think positively, I ask should I be thinking positively
when I have my son’s fist fly at my face, when he attacks me, when
I have a large carving knife waving at my face and then chased out of
house with it, when he hides knives under his pillow, when I have
over 20 Garda at the door from one Garda station, when I am so
terrified I wet myself, when I lock myself in my room to protect
myself, should I just think positively then. I am told that I need to
be out of the house for this to take place, considering I have no
family, no friends, and no funds to even buy a cup of tea in a café,
Edel offers to be with me the first couple of times then she is sure
that I can find something to do and somewhere to go. I again state
they are all mad, all is a cost cutting exercise to them and ask why
no one is listening to me. I again ask for a copy of all files Gheel
have in their office concerning the Family Support Plan, I am told
she will ask Peter. I
was not offered any Psychology Service, there was nothing wrong with
me except severe stress due to fighting for supports and services for
my children and to have some kind of life for myself that did not
involved being abused.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “5th
July 2012 – Clinical Psychologist, Gheel Autism Services replied to
HSE North Dublin regarding Psychology Supports for you – Anne does
not wish to make referral or access those services”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: Untrue,
how can a service be refused when they are not offered in the first
place.
You
have stated as recorded fact that: “17th
December 2012 – You forwarded an email to me with a freedom of
Information request. This was passed to the FOI Section for
processing”
The
actual reality of your recorded fact is: You
received an email from me that asked at the end of it to “please
advise” which you did not acknowledge or reply to despite the
contents regarding my heartbreak at the state my youngest son was
in. The FOI Section did nothing, they did not contact me, they
did not advise me as to the protocol yet they are in the same office
as yourself as they use the same telephone number as you do. I will
be taking further steps to find out why the FOI section did nothing
whilst my two sons were still living with me. As a footnote regards
FOI section, not one piece of paper regarding any of what you have
written to me in this reply, not one piece of correspondence, not one
date, not a mention of my phone conversations with you was in the FOI
file that I did eventually receive. There was next to nothing in what
I did receive.
You
have stated: “The HSE Disability
Service do not provide direct specialised supports for persons or
families experiencing difficulties as a result of Autism Spectrum
Disorders. The HSE provides funding to specialist agencies to provide
these supports on their behalf. HSE North Dublin fund Gheel Autism
Services to provide support for adults and families of persons with
Autism Spectrum Disorders within our Area”
I
would like to know what exactly Gheel Autism Services received by the
way of funding to provide my family supports. I would like to know
why the HSE Disability Service from 2009 was ignored and did nothing
about an HSE funded Diagnostic Report and Recommendations by a UK
expert Dr Amitta Shah who was HSE funded to fly over from the UK to
give her expertise.
You
have stated: “It is understood that
you have been accessing support from Gheel Autism Services until
recently when you discontinued this service as a result of a
complaint that you considered was not dealt with. Should you wish,
you may re-engage with Gheel Autism Services as they have indicated
that they will discuss recommencing the supports that you were
previously in receipt of from their service”
I
stopped engaging with my key support worker Darragh Byrne when he
entered my house and acted as a salesman for Gheel Autism Services
and was disrespectful regards me to my son, he then informed me by
text that “I am supporting “eldest” now” this was a conflict
of interests on his behalf as he was assigned to me as my key support
worker. Is this not crossing boundaries and unethical. I do not have
any Autism Spectrum Disorder and have no wish to re-engage with an
agency who followed their own agenda of “we have to remove you”
and did not have a clue or any expertise on how to help my sons or me
and so ignored us all crisis after crisis and sat back and waited
till my relationship with my family was destroyed (because I could
not cope alone) which I am sure is not legal under the Irish
Constitution.
To
reiterate there are two very important question that have been asked
by me on numerous occasions and to date have not been answered:
1/
Why was an HSE funded diagnostic report and recommendations by a UK
Autism Expert whom the HSE flew over to Ireland not implemented by
Dublin North HSE despite my exhaustive attempts.
2/
What have Dublin North HSE paid to Gheel Autism Services since April
2009 to August 2013 for supports and services for myself and my
family. What did the Family Support Plan contain.
Cc/
Tony O Brien, Director General, Dr Steevens Hospital, Dublin
8
14th
February
In
less than one month I've received 516 emails and 452 texts from my ex
husbands ex girlfriend. All abusive, her latest one was “on train
coming to your house with presents for your birthday” which sounds
all nice, kind and innocent but not after this “I hold you 100%
responsible and that is what people will know about you, this is what
they will say, no goodness in your heart, CU Next Thursday, if you
know what I mean” Basically calling me a cunt.
I
sent an email to Crime Support last night, “print out all
correspondence and take to the Garda, we will ring them first for you
so this is taken seriously, might have a long wait”
So I
went to the Garda, the poor chap told me “stop snapping at me” I
didn't even know I was snapping at him. Yet more texts were coming
thru as I was talking to the Garda. He read them and went off to ring
her. He told her he's seen all correspondence and it was to stop
because harassment is a crime and Anne has told you she wants no
contact with you so from now on any more correspondence from you will
be monitored” he said she apologised and would get off the train
and not come to my house. He said “she sounds quiet, normally we
get screamed at” He asked “what do you want done now” I said
“I am more than happy if it means she is stopped once and for all”
On leaving the Garda station I had 3 texts from her just walking down
the steps from the building.
Once
home 18 emails from her and 6 texts for fuck sake.
17th
February
More
texts 5.04am- 5.09am- 5.21am- 5.25am- 5.31am- 5.39am- 5.43am- 5.46am-
6.42am- 6.45am- 6.50am- 7.01 am- 7.05am- 7.08am- 7.14am- 7.18am-
7.43am- 7.52am
Emails-
2.38am- 8.01am- 8.21am- 8.46am- 9.26am- 9.57am- 10.16am- 10.17am-
10.21am- 10.31am- 10.46am- 10.57am. God give me fucking strength.
22nd
February
Still
going to Pieta House, still lurching thru one day at a time. Being
mentally tortured by my ex husbands, ex girlfriend, she just won't
stop. I cannot afford to feed myself but she can afford credit to
vent her spleen and sorry ass at me. I used to have the patience of a
saint but I know I'm going to snap, too much shit, non stop shit has
battered down on me for far too many years. She is still emailing me
every day. She needs to be stopped. I am lonely, isolated, vulnerable
and suicidal and I'm fucked off with vampires sucking what is left of
my life.
27th
February
On
the Dart and could have sworn I saw my youngest on the opposite
platform when my dart stopped. I made a total arse of myself by
bursting into tears in a public place. I feel like screaming. I have
an awful, awful pain in my heart.
28th
February
N
from Crosscare rang, I filled her in on everything. She said “Anne
your heart is broken”
7
texts from that woman.
1st
March
31
texts from that woman. I went mad and replied, she came back with
“your son is defo Bi Polar and stealing and the agency are not
doing their job”
Sent
eldest an email. No reply from him.
I am
worried sick and sick with worry.
31
texts from that woman
2nd
March
8
texts from that woman
Pieta
House 2pm
4th
March
21
texts from that woman.
5th
March
47
texts from that woman.
Went
to Garda with them all. The garda dealing with me wasn't in “will
put it in his locker for you and get him to call you”
6th
March
30
texts from that woman.
Another
39 texts from her this evening, no call from the Garda yet. Don't
know what the fuck to do. I'm covered in a rash with the bloody
stress of it.
7th
March
Friend
here to see me
8th
March
Rang
Garda 8am, non stop texts from that woman from 1.50am till 9am. Garda
said “there is now a big file about it, will get him to call you”
9th
March
97
texts.
Rang
Garda and asked to speak to the Sergeant. Man asked me to fill him
in. The “Garda dealing with it has been off, he will be back on
Friday at 5pm, will make a note in the book, keep all emails and
texts as evidence” Total texts from that woman so far = 1024.
Total emails = 627
I
feel so alone. So lonely and so isolated, my world is just black, no
colour in it at all.
Took
everything down to Garda
11th
March
Doing
a course in town. Got awful cutting cough and difficulty breathing.
41
absolutely fucking demented texts from that woman, she makes me want
to heave.
Letter
from Aunty, she told me not to reply to that woman. I told her I've
replied in anger only twice.
12th
March
I
sent my reply for Geraldine Murphy for N at Cross care to read, she
sent it back to me and said she knows someone who can also help as
she has experience fighting the HSE.
I
rang the woman who has experience fighting the HSE. Her advice was:
“Agree to mediation, just answer yes or no, when finished you'll be
asked if your happy and you accept. Reply no, it will then go to
court in front of 3 judges, you lost right to family life due to no
supports and services and lost your kids, not your fault” I need an
ES1 form and an ES2 and ES3 form.
But
it WAS my fault. I wasn't strong enough any more to cope.
14th
March
Call
from Garda dealing with the harassment. I've to meet him on Sunday to
make a statement of harassment. The statement will be sent to her
county Garda station, they will arrest her or warn her off. He said
he rang her on 26th February and warned her off but she
rang him back and said “okay arrest me”
N
rang, I told her I'm worried about eldest after that mad cows
comments about my son especially not being looked after by the
agency. N said she will ask the man at Cross care to find out. I said
“I don't need to know the ins and outs, I just want to know that
he's okay”
14th
March: My letter to Tony O'Brien Director General of the HSE
Re
My complaint with Dublin North HSE
“Dear
Tony O Brien, I previously sent you my full and detailed complaint
regards Dublin North HSE and what they did and failed to do regards
my two sons and I and so destroyed my right to family life with my
sons. Within one week of you receiving my complaint which you did not
acknowledge or reply I did receive a long awaited reply from Dublin
North HSE Geraldine Murphy and I have to say I am dismayed and
disgusted at the falsification of the records held and I know this
cannot possibly be right both morally or legally and believe it
should be investigated as this is people lives that are being
portrayed wrongly and recorded on file falsely. I have enclosed my
reply to Geraldine Murphy which clearly details the above. Yours
sincerely”
16th
March
She
is still texting, I woke up to loads she sent in the early hours of
the morning.
I
rang the Garda at 4pm. I told the man dealing with it “I'm going
to kill her” He said “I didn't hear that” I said “it's
Scottish terminology, it means I want to knock seven shades of shit
out of her but I'm too old for that kind of nonsense” I told him
“I'm coming down with more of her disturbing texts and emails” I
took him biscuits too, he laughed and said “that's bribery” I
told him “you're a cheeky bugger but I'm grateful for all your
help” He said he “knows how serious this is and will talk to his
Sarg about it too” I told him I knew the last Sarg, and how kind he
was when he had to come to the house about my eldest. He said he will
see me next week for me to get the statement done.
17th
March
Jesus
H. Christ. Non stop abusive emails from that dreadful woman. She is
really getting to me now.
I
sent N an email.
19th
March Email to N
“Down
a black hole. Driven demented by that woman and all her evil spewing
bile regards me, my sons and my ex husband. I responded out of
absolute fury and still I was polite and still she carried on and had
the audacity to say I'm vicious and she was told by my ex that I was
like playing with a dangerous dog. What is it about me that allows
this utter crap to seep into my brain and slosh around and haunt me.
The fact that this disturbed 31 year old even mentions my kids makes
my stomach heave. I responded in length to her once after receiving
over 1100 texts and almost 700 emails in 8 weeks and I'm called
vicious. I know my
youngest is not sleeping, he's posting online at all hours of the
morning till 4am, I know that he misses me as he was “listening to
Al Green” and saying he was making “square sausage” it breaks
my heart. My fury is down to the fact that NONE OF THIS should ever
have happened. It is the fault of Gheel and Dublin North HSE that I
have lost my sons. If it had been death due to accident or illness
then a mother would eventually get over this but because it was due
to agencies who did not give a shit and only wanted to save
themselves money and claimed they are experts when they're clearly
not and did fuck all to support a woman with no family or friends and
going thru a divorce that I had to take on and do myself and cope
with the “behaviours” of my sons completely solo and in fear of
that led to my inability to cope. Seven years of non stop fighting
agencies in another county and Dublin for help, supports and services
did this to me, if I had the support that was our given right as per
Dr Shah's Report and Recommendations I believe this would not have
happened. My sons had a legal right to help services and support as
did I and Dublin North HSE lie and lie and lie thru their teeth and
destroy families. Why? To be told (because I have an awful dread in
my soul that MY son could be dead) that consent is needed before I am
informed and that I could link in with the very person and agency who
helped destroy my family life is akin to me to being told to go
engage with an enemy. I hate them and I have never in my life hated
anyone. I DID NOTHING WRONG except conceive and carry and give birth
and LOVE and care for my sons for 22 years and feel I am now treated
as a criminal, I DID NOTHING WRONG except love my sons far too much
and that is why I will never ever get over this and will never, ever
forgive Gheel or Dublin North HSE and never, ever give up exposing
them for what they are, USELESS and UNCARING and SELF SERVING LIARS.
There will never be an end to this, you cannot un break a mothers
heart and nothing will put my heart back together again. When my kids
were young and growing up, I could not wait for the day they would
leave school, go to college, leave home, to my mind normal
happenings, they did not have that, I did not have that and what we
did have was not normal and now they are not in my life at all,
permission is needed for me to know if my son is alive, where is the
sense in that, where is the care and concern from those two agencies
in Dublin and not forgetting that other county. I could not have
fought them more for help, services and supports, I could not have
asked them more for help, support and services, I could not have
cared for or loved my sons more than I did, I wish I had not as I
would not be feeling like this, I would not have spent eight years of
my life fighting for things that did not come and so put my whole
life on hold and what did it achieve, absolutely nothing except a
woman who is broken and will never heal. This is what I feel. I feel
sorry for my sons, for myself and absolutely furious to boot with no
where to place that anger except inwards as per usual”
20th
March Email to my friend
“Not
having a good week. The Garda was too busy to take my statement on
Sunday and asked if I could do it next Monday instead, that woman
upped the ante so I replied as only I know how to and god almighty
the stuff she came back with, however she has now stopped but I
suppose only because she is busy with moving to Dublin. Monday cannot
come quick enough”
The
man from Cross care agreed to find out about eldest for me and asked
if I could link in with Gheel to open the lines of communication and
forwarded me Darragh Byrne's email. It did not go down well with me
and I sank like a brick emotionally. I am meeting N at 10.30am on
Friday.
21st
March
Went
to see N and couldn't stop crying.
My
friend rang.
Emails
from that woman.
24th
March
I
rang the Garda station at 12.30pm. He said he'd be free at 1pm if I
want to go down to him. He took me into an Interview room and said
they only ever had 10 cases of harassment the past 4 years and only
mine has got to statement stage as all others stopped after the Garda
were involved. He said “this is the only way to stop her, she's put
you thru enough” I signed the statement.
28th
March
Went
to see N. Re the Ombudsman, “focus on the fact that the Report and
Immediate recommendations from Dr Amitta Shah were not implemented,
just stick with the Ombudsman as all letters sent to the HSE are
just bouncing back and forth”
My
friend rang, “life could have been so very different and better for
you and youngest and eldest if Dr Shah's report and recommendations
had been implemented”
I
got this from the man at Cross care "Gheel
have got back in touch with me and eldest is absolutely fine. There
are no problems. As regards communications between you, I understand
that he has agreed a letter with Gheel and this is coming to you in
the next few days. I understand that he has a preference for you to
write to him on paper c/o Gheel. I further understand that any letter
should be addressed to him c/o their postal address. I hope you feel
that it is good that there is an acceptable route by which you can
enquire and know he has knowledge of your contacts. He can then
respond in a way and timescale that he can deal with. I think this is
as much as I can do as regards this”
Fucking
criminals have more rights
than a mother let down by the very people who should have been
helping support us. I will not correspond with my eldest via Gheel as
Edel once tried to open eldests court letter in my presence and only
stopped when I asked her what she thought she was doing, it was
addressed to eldest so should have only be opened by him. So there we
have it. Gheel are acting as Loco Parentis and I am Jack Shit as far
as my kids are concerned. I have to get it in my thick skull and shut
that door re my sons forever now but I will finish my fight with the
HSE and Gheel.
Not
sleeping very well
29th
March
Cleaned
under my stairs. Found a box with years and years of Mothers Day
cards from the boys and the beautiful words youngest had written to
me. Floods of tears. I know there will be no card for me tomorrow.
Heartbroken, absolutely fucking heartbroken.
30th
March Mothers Day
Tried
to sleep the day away but had no luck.
31st
March
Received
a letter from Darragh Byrne from Gheel. Why is it dated 20/3 and why
is it not on Gheel headed paper.
20th March 2014
“Dear Anne, “eldest”
has asked that we contact you in writing to request that he wishes
you stop contacting him by email or any other means. It is causing
him stress and frustration.
Regards
Signed by Darragh Byrne
Gheel
Autism Service
31st
March Email to N
Hi
N, I'm in an Internet Cafe, that letter arrived, it said nothing that
N reckoned it would. I've basically been told eldest wishes not to
have any contact with me at all. It was dated 20th March yet I only
received it on 31st. I'm boiling with rage but will sleep on what I
aim to do about it. Thanks for your email. I'm in shut down mode just
now. Hope to see you on Friday and apologies in advance if I do not
make it but I will let you know. Take care”
1st
April
That
woman has started with the emails again. FFS.
2nd
April
Hospital
to see the Cardio Consultant “think you have extra heartbeats but
could be something else, want you to have an implant put in to keep
an eye on the palpitations” Such a lovely man he is.
That
woman is sending non stop emails and is now threatening suicide. I
contacted the Garda, they will contact her local Garda station to do
a welfare check on her.
4th
April
My
friend rang, she thought it was strange that Darragh Byrne's letter
to me wasn't on Gheel headed paper. N had said the same thing too.
Found all documents I need to send to the Ombudsman.
Doctor
put me on Beta Blockers.
17th
April
I'm
incapable of doing anything. Feel incredibly sad and tearful.
18th
April Email to Friend
“Hi
Friend, I am not able to talk today, I hope that is okay. It is
youngests 21st birthday on Sunday. I have emailed both he and eldest
their now typed out baby diaries from pregnancy to age 12 for them
both. The rest of the journals they will get once I am finished with
the HSE and Gheel. I am fine, just incredibly sad and tears are
sitting waiting to spill so to hear your voice will just make them
pour forth and I do not want to cry. I hope you have a wonderful
weekend. Take care”
Youngest
is 21. I cannot believe he is not in my arms for a birthday hug or in
my life any more. I am destroyed. So low in spirit.
22nd
April goodbye email to N
Dear
N, Thank you for everything. I am going to miss you as you've been
like a continuous bright moon on very dark days and nights for me,
both when my sons were with me and when they left. You are so kind
and genuine and down to earth that it was always easy for me to trust
and confide in you and you never let me down with your words of
wisdom, your compassion, your common sense and your support that I
shall always remember. I hope this new chapter in your life is
successful and I wish you best wishes with your career. I know a
lot of people are going to miss you, I certainly will. With
grateful thanks, love and gratitude to you N for all you did for me
and my family. Take care
24th
April Email to my friend
“Hi
Friend, I hope you had a lovely weekend. I have been like a hermit
but I am now okay. I have at this moment in time, the mindset of not
bothering at all with the Ombudsman any more and just putting
everything online naming and shaming both the other county and Dublin
HSE and Gheel and will accept whatever consequences that may bring.
I have sod all to lose or gain. I'm furious as I have been going over
FOI files from the other county and the lies told by them on their
records is unbelievable. That's all Friend, thank you”
25th
April
2
texts from that woman last night.
29th
April
Walked
to Lidl and Mary McNutt the
social worker who did fuck all was walking towards me. I wanted to
verbally tear strips off her but just stared at her instead. When
realisation dawned on her who I was, she didn't know where to look
and just put her head down. That woman is so very lucky my fighting
energy is gone, I could have roasted her verbally. I've had plenty of
practice.
30th
April
I am
rock bottom emotionally.
N
sent me a goodbye email, it was lovely and made me cry.
5th
May
Went
to Post Office to get the Ombudsman stuff posted and got told it's a
Bank Holiday and I didn't know.
That
woman sent me a very, very, very long email. She must be bored. She's
“been with him all week” wants to “apologise” “never
interfere in my life again” “never contact your ex again, he has
serious issues with you and I've banned him from using your name”
Why
do I need to know any of that. I do not care. I do not want to know.
I do not need to know.
6th
May
Another
email from that one. Not reading them, they go into a little file of
their own so I can by pass them.
7th
May
Garda
rang me for an update, filled him in, she's still at it but not as
prolific, he said “put on a memory stick” and “take down” to
him and he “will ring” me tomorrow.
8th
May
Might
have a new job lined up in Retail.
9th
May
Friend
came to see me.
15th
May email to my friend
“Hi
Friend, hope all is well with you. I had a call from the Ombudsman
today. My concentration is out the window but what I think she said
was firstly to ask me have I had a final response from Geraldine
Murphy, I said no and still not had any reply from my complaint
either from them back in 2012 and the only reply I did get is what
I've sent them. The woman said she would be writing directly to
Geraldine Murphy for a direct response to my full complaint which she
then has to send to them at the Office of the Ombudsman. I said they
won't get any response, the woman said she has to respond and when
she has done so I will then be contacted again. I have to say they
have picked it up very quickly, it was only posted 9 days ago so
fingers crossed those gits cannot wriggle out of this any more. Take
care Friend”
25th
May
Call
from Garda 3.30pm. Told him all quiet from that one and long may it
last. He said he will keep in touch.
28th
May
I
cannot believe it, that woman has been emailing me again non stop.
“do not email me again” which is complete fiction, I haven't
emailed her. I'm completely ignoring her. I rang the Garda at 9.50pm,
he asked for my permission to send all documentation to the Health
Board in her area to get someone to take this seriously and I can
call him at anytime. They are so good down there, they must be as
pissed off as I am now.
29th
May
Went
to Counselling. I found it all strange, there is so much inside me I
want to get out but I'm finding it hard as far too much has happened
and still happening. She said “you've been to hell and back, I'm
surprised you're still standing and still have a sense of humour,
will see you every Thursday”
Letter
from Geraldine Murphy, the Disability Manager
"
Dear Anne, I am writing to you in relation to letter dated 15th May
from the Office of the Ombudsman regarding a complaint you made in
September 2013. My understanding of this complaint is that it has
been dealt with as far as it can by the local HSE office. I
understand that you are not in agreement with the contents of the
response. However this complaint has been dealt with through
available records which do not have the level of detail that can
respond to all your queries. I apologise if you feel that your
complaint has not been answered to your satisfaction and will forward
a copy to the Ombudsman. Yours sincerely Geraldine Murphy Manager of
services for persons with Disabilities”
Not
one question of mine was answered. Why not? Lets see if the
Ombudsman can make her answer like they told me they can.
31st
May
More
emails. Took to Garda
1st
June
Eleven
emails from that woman. How I stopped myself from replying I will
never know.
3rd
June
27
fucking emails from that bitch last night then woke up to 12 more
this morning. Took them down to the Garda station.
4th
June
14
emails
5th
June
That
bad bitch has sent me 4 MP4 recordings of my ex husband and emailed
them to me. My ex husband was recorded talking about me saying “she's
violent and aggressive” I checked the IP address, some place
called Birr. The Garda said he would track her claim for social
welfare to find out where she is and he will contact the health board
again about her.
FOR
FUCK SAKE. WHY DOES SHE NOT JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME THE HELL
ALONE. I left that man 9 years ago.
The
very sound of my ex's voice made me feel sick to my stomach. My
nerves are in fucking knots. JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
8th
June
All
quiet on the bitch front till today.
9th
June
Only
9 days into June and I've had 92 fucking mental emails and 4 MP4's. I
went straight down to the Garda, the man dealing with it is not back
till later in the week.
13th
June
Garda
rang me. He “contacted the Garda in her area and her mail is piled
high so think she's gone or on holiday” I reminded him “I traced
the IP addy to Birr” He said he “will ring her and ask her where
she is” I asked him had he read all her shit, which is now 105
emails in 13 days, he said “two pages of them was enough for me”
I told him “I'm emailing my ex husband and will bring down a copy
of it as no man nor beast will slander or libel me, I'm not putting
up with any more shit, I left that man a very long time ago, his very
voice makes my skin crawl and my stomach heave but I'll be no one's
victim” I asked him about her latest crap by email “you have a
duty of care to me” The Garda said “you're not her guardian,
she's an grown woman responsible for herself” He said he will keep
in touch with me. I said “the last thing I want or need is my ex
husbands voice talking about me and sent to me by her. I left that
man due to his awful cruelty so her actions are just mental torture
and god help her if I do snap”
At
3pm, that woman sent me a text “you are lying, I am suing you, will
now stop all contact as per Sergeant except for court”
I
sent the ex husband an email “stop your lies, slander and libel and
keep your dramas to yourselves. I hope I have made myself crystal
clear”
16th
June
Missed
a call from the Garda at 9.15am. I rang back at 9.17am. He said “I
rang her, she was her usual bolshy self, she's near the old family
home. I told him “she now reckons I'm lying which is the worse
possible thing anyone can say to me and she's also going to sue me”
he said “she told me the same thing” he wished me good luck with
my job interview.
Home
to a letter from the Ombudsman “closing complaint as Geraldine
Murphy has replied” She replied to Jack Shit. I rang them up and
was told “if you're not happy re write to us and tell us with what
you want to happen”
I
emailed my friend about it.
3.27pm
Text from that woman “you did not warn me you were sending him an
email, I'm taking you to court”
17th
June
Email
from that cretin “It's a campaign of hate against me” She has
got to be deranged. I am now demented. What a horrible person she is.
That is now 2005 emails and texts she's sent me.
19th
June
2.20pm
interview, went well, offered the job, I've to start on the 30th.
22nd
June
Straight
down to Garda with 10 pages of abusive and threatening emails from
that woman. The man I normally see wasn't in, I gave all to another
man, he'll put in the other Garda's locker for me.
My
Reply to Ombudsman
Dear
Office of the Ombudsman, Re your letter to me regards:
“I
have been informed by the HSE that a response did issue to you on
28th May 2013, as this office was dealing with the non reply aspect
of your complaint only and the HSE have now responded I will be
closing this complaint"
I
would like to state that I am not satisfied with the reply issued by
Dublin North HSE and still want, need and deserve answers to my very
long and detailed account of what they failed to provide my two sons
and myself. There are no more words left in the English language that
I can use as I have provided full and factual records and happenings
to your office, to Dublin North HSE and to Gheel Autism Services and
the HSE reply was no reply at all and certainly not a reply to my
complaint. In my view both Dublin North HSE and Gheel Autism
Services have had more than long enough to provide the answers they
clearly do not want to give me so I request that you please help me
get these answers. I did not take lightly to exposing every aspect of
my and my sons personal life. It is plain and simple, Dublin North
HSE and Gheel Autism Services had a legal duty to provide services
and supports to my sons and myself and did not do so.
1/
An HSE funded diagnostic report and immediate
recommendations
were made by a UK Autism Expert Dr Amita Shah whom the HSE flew over
to Ireland were not implemented by Dublin North HSE nor Gheel Autism
Services despite my exhaustive attempts. In fact both agencies lied
to various other agencies that they had not seen any such report
despite me personally handing to them which is clearly explained in
my full complaint to your office.
2/
Dublin North HSE and Gheel Autism Services since April 2009 to August
2013 evaded and down right refused to answer any questions from me in
person, by telephone, by text and email what supports and services
were supposed to be provided and what was paid to Gheel to provide
these. I never once got told what the Family Support Plan contained.
3/
The Freedom of Information file I received contained nothing from
2009 thru to 2013 except 10 sheets of paper that were full of
nonsense despite my almost daily contact to try and get Gheel Autism
Services to help my sons and myself. I was in frequent contact with
Dublin North HSE and not one sheet of paper regards all my meetings
and calls and complaints were recorded or in the Freedom of
Information file.
4/
The reply I did receive from Geraldine Murphy dated 30th
January
2014 is full of inaccuracies and untruthful records which is
scandalous given that her records are on file for ever more.
5/
Gheel Autism Services have given no satisfactory reply concerning my
complaints directly to them and nor any response to my email
complaints and questions whilst my sons were both still living with
me. I would like to know why not.
I
hope you can help me get full answers to my extensive and detailed
complaint and the questions above. Yours sincerely
24th
June
Another
email from that woman “that was the 6th
act of negligence from your family this year” (I have not a fucking
clue what she's on about) “I will off course follow up this matter.
Notice the Garda in charge of harassment has been informed.
Unfortunately that recording is not permissible evidence. I would
have to be of sound mind (a) at time of recording and (b) the day it
was sent to you. My nxt solicitor appointment is end of July. I'm
writing letters for someone to offer pro bono. Hopefully I will see
you in court re libel, defamation and negligence in the coming
months”
Not
that daft now is she, making herself the victim.
Three
more texts from her.
Garda
rang me 7.57pm “I told her area it's a mental health problem not a
Garda problem, I've been more than stern with her but nothing is
getting thru to her” He asked me “did your ex reply to your
email” I said “no, he would never get his own hands dirty” He
said “she cannot get legal aid for a civil matter, just wait for
court date to come thru the door and I'll go over it all with you”
More
emails from her but filtered to own box now, was supposed to be done
before but I messed it up.
27th
June
Two
overnight emails.
28th
June
Six
overnight emails.
30th
June
I
don't start work till the 8th of next month now. Gutted
Posted
her latest to Garda station.
Two
more abuse emails when I got home. FFS.
1st
July
13
fucking emails for Christ's sake
4th
July
Finished
my course now, fuck knows how I managed to attend with all going on.
Very
ill, head cold and chest infection, glands as big as marbles. Feel
like crap. Went to local shop but couldn't remember what I went for
in the first place. Head so dizzy. Need sleep but not getting any at
all.
9th
July
Started
work in a Retail shop, loved it, so busy all day, everyone lovely.
14th
July
“Hi
Friend, I've
spoken to Office of Ombudsman and my file is now with the assessor, a
man called Colin Stokes. At least it's moved on now. Take care”
Rang
Garda at 3pm
17th
July email to Friend
“Hi
Friend, I got a letter from the Ombudsman “On basis of info
they have decided to initiate a preliminary review of my complaint,
they would be grateful if I could provide in one or two sentences,
- What do you consider the HSE should have done that it did not do?
- Are you presently receiving any assistance from the HSE ?
- What do you want the HSE to do now to put things right?
- Are your two sons still living with you.
I
feel like giving up as far as the Ombudsman is concerned, all I sent
clearly shows that the boys do not live with me and as for answering
the first and third questions, I have not a bloody clue what else I
can ask, or how I ask for it as it is as clear as crystal in my
complaint. There are apparently several areas of difficulty as it
reads there is a direct conflict of interpretation between myself and
the HSE and as he was not present at said meetings or heard different
conversations then he cannot review these. (to me I was very clear,
the HSE are liars, I can prove all which was stated on my complaint)
Because the boys are now adults they cannot infringe on their rights
to privacy or divulge personal information but he wants their dates
of birth!!! I have to get my reply in by 30th July.
I don't think I will bother, waste of time. Take care Friend”
I
got help from a lady from Cross care for my response to the HSE
Response
to question 1: What do you think the HSE could have done differently?
“My
eldest was diagnosed with a form of Aspergers where the focus on his
anger was directed towards his mother. The HSE could have followed
the recommendations of Dr. Amitta Shah to house my son in a place
beside me rather than in my living space. They could have taken
action to make sure what was recommended was implemented. Ultimately,
they could have taken action to make sure that myself and my younger
son were in a safe and secure living environment and that my eldest
was also safe. If they had done this, I would not have been subjected
to physical, emotional and mental abuse and neither would my younger
son. I believe that my relationships with my sons would not be where
they are today.
Response
to question 2: What do I want them to do?
“There
is no way that the past can be undone, or that my relationships with
my sons can be repaired. I want to know why they didn't follow the
recommendations? Why they didn't follow through and check that the
services were being implemented. Why didn't they keep me safe? I want
the HSE to take responsibility and to be accountable for their
failures and to acknowledge the impact that this has had on myself
and my family.
29th
July
And
still the emails from that woman keep coming, one telling me “I am
mixing with hardened criminals, one is up for manslaughter and is
awaiting sentencing”
30th
July
Don't
know what the fuck is going on, that woman's IP addy is coming up in
Sweden. I set up an automatic reply “your emails go straight to the
Garda” It's not stopping her at all. 105 emails she has sent me in
July.
2nd
August
I
cannot put my laptop on without my stomach churning over. Thank god
no emails from her.
I
feel ready for exploding tho, the only time I can see the contents of
her bile is when I print them out for the Garda. I'm not reading
them, they are pages after pages long for just one email. I'm working
flat out and not getting home till after 6pm and I'm now raging at
the crap from her. I've lived with Domestic abuse from my ex then my
sons all those years living in a war zone environment daily with my
sons too when I never knew what I would say, do, look or act that
would tip them over their edge and have them explode at me. No wonder
people crack up with trolls like her continually snapping away with
nothing better to do with their time. She should be ashamed of
herself but she has no shame.
3rd
August
Toxic
troll is quiet.
Spoke
to the Garda at 3.50pm. He's spoken to Mental Health but that woman
convinced them that she's stopped all contact with me. He told the
mental health woman that he was sitting with reams of paper dated
only 4 days ago. He said the package of hundreds of pages of emails
sent that were sent to the other counties Garda were not received by
them.
I'm
so glad I'm working. It's wonderful to be among people again.
11th
August
Feeling
down today. My brain and memories are going crazy. I feel emotionally
broken and frozen, no one in this lifetime will ever get the chance
to hurt me like that again. My pure joy of life was broken by my ex
and my sons. I wish them no ill will. All I can think of is, if my
sons could treat the first woman they ever loved so badly what chance
would any woman they might meet in the future have with them. I know
how difficult it is to escape that kind of relationship. I was
dealing with a losing hand from the beginning, that much I do know
now. I should have called the Garda at the first sign of abuse,
instead I was seen as a mug, a weakling, they had carte blanch over
me. Love should never hurt. It's all my fault because I kept putting
up with it, I always went into protection mode for them.
7th
September
My
youngest has posted online “not gonna last the year” where the
fuck are Gheel for him.
13th
September Email to lady at Cross care
Hi,
I don't know who else to tell this to except my friend who is now
retired. I had a call from a Dr from the hospital at 9pm last night,
looking for youngest as he was worried about him as he'd presented
himself in casualty because he was very down and had recent wrist
slashes from last week the Dr told me but he then disappeared from
the hospital. He said a family member had called them and said
youngest was with him. I said that would probably be eldest. I gave
the Dr the whole history and I had to look for Gheels outreach number
because I'd deleted it from my phone and also told the Dr to ring the
Garda to get youngests present address as they would know him and the
history when they came to the house. I emailed youngest, short and
sweet to say the Dr is looking for him and could he contact the
hospital please. I asked the Dr to keep me updated, the nice man said
yes. I'm okay, just worried about youngest as he clearly needs help.
Once I found Gheels number, I rang the hospital to talk to the Dr
and was told Gheel took him to the hospital but he left and went
home, the Dr had managed to talk to Gheel, I was told that Gheel
"know youngest very well and are giving him fantastic support"
(I put him straight) Gheel told him they will link youngest in with
one of their Psychologists (why not before now) and he is waiting to
see a Psychiatrist. The Dr said he will write to mental Health and
see if they can give him support. I asked him if he was so worried
that he rang me did that mean he's no longer worried about youngests
safety and well being, the Dr said he did not get to see youngest and
he was just going on by what's on file but he's happy enough that
Gheel told him they would keep an eye on him all weekend and get him
seen by Psychologist on Monday.
My
heart almost stopped when the doctor rang me because he said "Is
that “youngests relative" All I have going round my head is
it's 18 months since youngest left and he now has a very long history
of slashing himself but never before did he do his wrists. If he
slashed his wrists last week why, oh why, have Gheel still not got
him professional help, he is posting on Twitter constantly that he
needs psychiatric help but has had to wait 3 months to get an
appointment and why, oh why, is he not already linked in with Gheels
Psychologists anyway who have known about all this since I personally
emailed one of them back in December 2012 and still not had any
reply. I'm hoping he rings me or replies to my email. I just want him
helped and for him to be healthy and happy. Thank you. Take care”
14th
September
Youngest
has posted online “I should be dead by now, I've cheated death like
a cunt” My god almighty why is he not being helped by Gheel. He
did not answer my email.
At
8.30pm he posted online “don't wanna deal with tomorrow at all”
At least I know he's alive and that must mean he will be getting help
tomorrow. I've been on tenter hooks all day. I never want to get a
call like that again. I thought I was going to be told he was dead.
18th
September Email to my friend
“Hi
Friend, Thank you for calling today. Youngest has just posted he will
"probably be dead by the end of the month, joy" so I'm
writing to Geraldine Murphy's boss, once I can remember her name and
will provide her with all his writings and get it posted by recorded
delivery tomorrow and I will make sure I tell her that a copy of the
letter I'm sending her is going to my solicitor and also to the
Office of the Ombudsman who are at present investigating my
complaint. If that does not make get them get a rocket under Gheels
ass to help him then god knows what will. Take care”
Email
to Sheila Marshall HSE General Manager Coolock
“Dear
Sheila Marshall, Someone has to start taking the care of my youngest
son more seriously than has been since he was 18 years old to present
date. He is at serious risk of suicide and I will not sit back and
see the child I gave birth to and raised and loved until my family
was destroyed due to the lack of support to myself coping solo with
two son with their conditions and various other problems and the none
existent services to my kids despite the fact that I know your HSE is
parting with large bucks to Gheel Autism in Fairview. I had a call
from a Dr at Hospital on Friday 12th
September
at 9pm who asked me if I was a relative of my youngest son as he had
slashed his wrists the previous week and attended hospital but he
left after not being seen for 5 hours, this doctor was obviously
worried about him to have contacted me to try and locate him. As you
are no doubt aware, I know nothing of either of my sons whereabouts
after 21 years of love and caring for them because our relationship
broke down and I became the devil incarnate in their eyes because I
cracked under the pressure of caring solo for two sons with all their
problems and daily abuse when even Andy McDonnell, Gheel Consultant
Psychologist declared which I had recorded on my phone “these guys
are the hardest to live with on the planet” Do you have any idea
how that makes me feel as a mother who gave up any life to call my
own for my children and still cares and loves them yet I appear to be
treated now as some kind of criminal that has done them harm. The Dr
must have thought this as he was surprised that I was not in contact
with my son nor knew where he lived nor his new phone number. I told
this Dr to call the Garda after telling him my youngests full history
of self harm with no thought of his own safety and that he had been
sectioned previously but he had never to my knowledge ever slashed
his wrists before. The Dr then told me that a Gheel staff member
“would take care of him over the weekend and get him linked in to
see a Psychologist (why this was not done as a given by them since
January 2013 is beyond me) I stated that it should be done anyway due
to his history and asked him if he was telling me that in his view my
son was not a danger to himself given that he had slashed his wrists
the week before and presented himself to the hospital as suicidal, he
said he did not get to see my son as he had left the hospital and
then said he had to take Gheels word for it that they would take care
of him, I told him Gheels staff are social care workers and not
mental health professionals and since my son has a mental health
diagnosis that was exactly what he needed. I know my youngest did
eventually see a Psychologist and was told he was “moderately
depressed and moderately suicidal” but he attended that appointment
with alcohol in him and was laughing when talking about killing
himself so I doubt anyone is taking the fact that he is suicidal as a
serious matter despite his non stop self mutilation hence this letter
to you. These are extracts of what he is writing online: 3:54am
- 3 September 2014
“I
don’t know how I’m expected to respect a psych that leaves you
hanging for 9 weeks then gives you an appointment for a month out” 1:24pm
- 5 September 2014
“After
9 weeks how am I supposed to wait another 3 to see a psych when every
day is agony? This is a system that doesn’t care about people” 9:22pm
- 6 September 2014
“I’m
not gonna last the year” 12:57pm
- 12 September 2014.
“I
sat
in A&E for nearly 5 hours and literally no one saw me other than
triage. Fuck psychiatric services. 10pm-13th
September 2014 “I
can’t do anything. I haven’t done anything for fucking months,
years. It fucking sucks. 12.00am-
14th
September 2014 “I
should be dead by now. I’ve cheated death like a cunt” 8.30pm
14th
September
2014 “Don’t
want to deal with tomorrow at all” 8.45pm
16th
September
2014 “Saw
a psychologist. Took some screening tests. Moderate Depression.
Moderate Anxiety. My head hurts. Don’t drink on an empty stomach,
especially before seeing a psychologist. Otherwise you’ll be
laughing when talking about killing yourself” 9.39pm-
16th
September
2014 “Everything
means nothing to me”
11.30pm-
17th
September
2014 “Suddenly
blood everywhere” 8pm-
18thSeptember
2014 “Rather
convinced I'll be dead by the end of the month. Joy” I do
not care if he finds out that I can still read what he is posting as
I am very worried about him and someone has to help him and Gheel are
clearly not so if anyone in your office has an ounce of empathy or
decency will you please make sure my son gets the professional mental
help he needs and he deserves or will he again be let down by the non
existent professional services and supports he had when he lived and
was loved and cared for by me. I am informing you that my son is
suicidal, I am informing you that my son needs professional mental
health care and help and that he needs it now”
22nd
September
Hospital
appointment. Lung Function test. “Not good, only 63%, that's not
good in a woman your age who looks so fit and young” X-ray done,
all clear. “Have you heard of Emphysema, well that's what you've
got, it will not improve but you can halt further damage getting
worse, combined with your bronchitis, you have COPD” I
was put on Steroids.
Oh well, we all have to die one day.
Oh well, we all have to die one day.
My
friend rang
I'm
still working two jobs and I'm feeling it now, it might be
psychosomatic after being told how bad my lungs are but I do
seriously struggle walking to my second job as I'm walking uphill to
get to it.
I
have three, almost local to me, wonderful close girl friends. We are
like family and I could not be happier with them in my life. With
that job, it's not like going to work, it's like meeting up with
family and having a great day of hard work, fun and laughter.
I'm
now taking two lung medications. My immune system is still very low
so after being so restrictively practically house bound for years and
not eating meals as my appetite has been out the window for many
years so I'm catching every virus known. I only hate public transport
because not every one is hygienic so I'm wearing cotton gloves for
holding onto any rails, it may look ridiculous but if I catch a cold
virus it travels straight to my chest and then I'm really ill. Needs
must whilst the devil drives.
4th
August
Told
I need to slow down work wise as damaged lungs affects the heart.
I've been doing cover work thru my second job for a week. Yes it's
tiring but it would be tiring for a twenty year old doing three jobs
a day. I love being busy. It stops me thinking and I don't want to
think.
7th
August
Now
on three lung medications.
Despite
being physically exhausted I'm getting very little sleep. Feeling
dizzy and disoriented with tiredness.
8th
August
Had
to give up my second job. I'm gutted as I'm not usually a quitter.
16th
August
A
lovely young girl started in the shop today. She said “I hope to be
like you are with people one day” She made me laugh but what a
lovely thing to say. After years and years of put downs and made to
feel like I was like shit on the bottom of a shoe, compliments stop
me in my stride. I am very lucky because I have a personality that
makes me talk to everyone, no matter who they are or where they come
from. I love people. I just don't like people who are users, abusers
and vampires. I'm getting two buses to work in town and sometimes
three buses to get back home but it has given me the opportunity to
meet some lovely people travelling frequently on the bus and also the
bus drivers.
My
sinuses are always swollen because I'm allergic to a lot of things
and I now have no filter between my brain and my mouth and I was
chatting away to one of the drivers and said “I apologise for
looking like a hamster with nuts stuck in my cheeks” the lovely lad
said “you always look lovely and sexy” I laughed out loud and
told him “you shouldn't be driving, you must be blind because my
face has dropped more times than my knickers ever did” and he
roared with laughter. As soon as I realised what had just come out of
my mouth I blushed bright red and he laughed again but I told him
“this aint blushing, it's the menopause. And I went home smiling.
This is how life should be, small bits of fun and happiness to carry
you thru to the next day.
It's
a different story when you're home alone with no one but the dog to
talk to.
26th
August
Doctor's
appointment, I'm now one of his case studies re a new lung
medication. Full body examination. For some reason he asked me “do
you have a boyfriend now” (?) I said “Eh, are you mad, I'd put
your species up against a wall and bloody shoot you all” He thinks
I'm funny. “you always make me laugh Anne” At least I have some
hidden talents now.
List
of medical diagnosis to date: Asthma, Bronchitis, Emphysema,
Osteoporosis, Synovitis, Migraine, Inflamed Stomach, Inflamed bowel,
Anxiety. I am on medication for all of these but there is no
medication for grief or lack of self esteem.
You
can portray all the outgoing confidence in the world but still be so
unconfident. I am confident with people. I'm just not confident
within myself. I'm a total conundrum I know.
30th
August
New
photo of youngest on Twitter with blonde hair, he looks so sad and
miserable. He posted he will find out if he is Bi Polar in two weeks
time but he seems to be living a life, travelling to London to see
his favourite band and I am Myra Hindley in his eyes now. Just like I
predicted years ago. I could have earned a good living as a psychic.
2nd
September
T
came to visit for weekend with beautiful bouquet of flowers for me.
Email
to my friend
“Hi
Friend, No acknowledgement received but I didn't get any automated
response either so I know it was sent. I will know if anyone has
intervened when youngest either deletes his twitter account or makes
it private. Someone responded to his post to keep positive but he
replied "I really appreciate that, considering you don’t know
me from Adam. But there’s really nothing anyone can do" I
googled mental health but all that really came up was the Samaritans
so I rang them, a bloke said they are not an advisory service but
asked me why didn't I contact a solicitor and that people have "self
determination as is their right" basically if someone wants to
kill themselves then it's their choice, I said what if the person is
mentally ill , he said proof of non capacity would have to be shown
and do that thru a solicitor. I will see if I can talk to someone
from FLAC without waiting for an appointment. Unfortunately I have
lost the sight in my right eye, all shimmering lights but no
headache, second time in a fortnight now so I'm held up doing
anything constructive till it goes away. Will let you know soon as I
hear anything back from that Sheila Marshall, if no acknowledgement
comes I will just forward the same email to all in that porta cabin
in the HSE and be dammed with the consequences. Don't reply as I know
you are working. Thanks Friend, take care”
19th
September
The
lady from Cross care rang. I filled her in about youngest and my
email to Sheila Marshall about it. She asked had I been to see any TD
about it because there was a big media push last week on the
prevention of suicide so if youngest is posting on social media and
saying he's going to die I should ask these people what can be done
to prevent it or I can inform the Garda so there is a record of it. I
reminded her that two Garda stood in my house with the paramedics
after my eldests overdose and did nothing even tho he was in a bad
way because he refused to go to the hospital.
Email
to my friend
“Hi
Friend, Not any acknowledgement came from that woman Sheila Marshall
but I sent the same email to the head office in Co Louth and got this
reply, so I know it has been received by her twice now.
"Good Afternoon Anne, Your email has been forwarded on to Sheila
Marshalls office. If you wish to follow up on this email please
contact her office directly. I have included her contact details
below”
The lady from Cross care rang me out of the blue, she was working
from home, she advised that as the government has given a big push
about suicide prevention just last week, that I contact that
organisation but their site only directs you to what I was busy
googling this morning. I ended up losing the sight in my left eye at
1pm for an hour and got the sorest headache I have had in many years,
had to go out and buy pain killers and it's still lurking in my head
so I'm doing nothing more. The HSE are a bloody disgrace not even the
decency to acknowledge me. All I will do now is keep checking his
twitter and as soon as I see any kind of "good bye world"
type of posting I will fly down to the Garda with it, I will be
dammed if I let him kill himself when he aint even lived yet”
No
acknowledgement from Sheila Marshal so I sent this to
Infoline1@hse.ie
“Dear
Sir/ Madam, Could you kindly ensure that this email is received by
Sheila Marshall at HSE Dublin North Office, please. Thank you”
Reply
from Infoline1@hse.ie
“Good
Afternoon Anne, Your email has been forwarded on to Sheila Marshalls
office. If you wish to follow up on this email please contact her
office directly. I have included her contact details below.
20th
September Email to my friend
“Hi
Friend, I'm going to the Garda about youngests safety and well
being. I doubt I will get taken seriously but I want it on record.
He was not on Twitter for 18 hours till the past half hour and I need
to get him help, he has written: “22.20pm-
I think I’ve given myself tetanus god fucking damn
it” 7.50pm -
Jack Daniels and Xacto blades are more readily available
than psychiatric health care. Think about that” 7.55pm
-I had to get TWO fucking referal letters. One from my GP
and one from a professor of child psychiatry in order to even be on a
fucking list” 7.58pm-”That’s
two months of waiting after an attempt. An appointment a month out
and four services that know of the severity of the situation”
8.04pm-
“I’m very much aware I will become a statistic to an
abject apathetic system built upon a total hypocrisy” Don't
reply friend I am just letting you know, thanks”
I
walked to the Garda station and got there at 8.45pm, I handed in all
youngests postings and the email I sent to Sheila Marshall. The Garda
went out the back then returned to me. I didn't think my visit was
going well till he said “I remember you now, I've been at your
house before, I'll log it into the system so there's a record and
never give up trying to get him services” What a lovely man. He
rang Gheel, no one answered. He asked me “do you want youngest to
know you've been in touch with us” I said “I just don't want him
dead, he's clearly desperate for help”
On
the way home I completely lost my bearings thru stress, I've done
that journey many times before. Thank god one of my charity buddy
friends rang me and stayed on the phone with me till I found my way
home. I am losing my mind.
Once
home I checked youngests Twitter and it was obvious he's had a visit
from the Garda, he was posting vicious insults about me. I don't care
so long as he gets the help he needs.
Email
to my friend
“Hi
Friend, I went to Garda at 8.45pm with my email to Sheila Marshall
and youngests postings, the man at the front desk seemed a bit
disinterested at first, he thought my kids had been removed from me
by the HSE but he went off to ring Gheel and after half an hour of me
sitting in the waiting area he came back and told me there was no
answer from Gheel and that he now remembered me as he was the one who
kicked youngests door down when youngest when nuts after not getting
into psych unit on the 9th Feb last year. He said he would log it
into the system and alert the night shift but as they have no address
for youngest there was not a lot they could do but if he did call
them for help they would inform me, he asked did I want to go to the
hospital if youngest was taken there, I said no because he's always
explosive at me. He told me not to stop fighting for services for
him, told me not to give up. When I got home and checked youngests
twitter I knew for sure that the Garda must have been in contact with
him as he had written: “9.40pm - Fuck
you. At least your mother had the gumption to fucking abandon her
kids. You stayed and did the damage” “9.46pm -
I know you read this” “22.15pm I
remember the fucking message you wrote to me. ‘Draw a butterfly on
your arm’. Fuck you. You knew since October 2011” “10.15pm
Didn’t utter a fucking
word. Threatened me with homelessness is my last year of school.
Utter fucking failure you are” “10.15pm - Preach
‘no mother to look to as a guide’ but you’re just a down right
vicious human being. Got my lips pierced “I hope they hurt”. Die
alone” “10.20pm -You
failed your duty of care not only as a mother, but as a human being.
Fuck off to the highest degree” I
felt so sick Friend, that is how he thinks and feels and is
portraying me, I felt like I have gone mad, that he must be right in
all they said about me, but not mad enough for those lies to take
root and lead me down a bad path, thank god. I have had my phone by
my side all night but had no missed calls. I am sick of all the
crazy. The Garda did say that they would make sure they contact Gheel
on Monday, they can all get on with it as I've had enough madness
now, that son of mine will never be like he once was, in my eyes my
youngest disappeared completely and left this horrible stranger in
his wake, I need to get that in my thick brain, he is not my closest
to me child any more. I am okay, just winded by all he has written,
the worrying thing is there is a glimmer of truth in what he has
written but he has twisted it to suit himself. I cannot be bothered
explaining. I know you know me well enough that I'm not this awful
person he is making me out to be. I need to keep telling myself that
too so I do not focus on his words and forget the truth and the
reality. Such negativity can have a slippery slope effect so I refuse
to go down that path in my head. He has not posted since 11pm last
night but no news is good news. If it gets him the psychiatric help
he needs then I will be happy enough. Thanks Friend, tis never ending
aint it”
My
friend replied: “you're the only
one he can throw stones at”
Thank
god for my friend, all negative words really do seep into my brain
and take root and I water them so they grow. Does that make me fucked
up in the head? I am so grateful that I am no longer in the eye of
the storm, I would not be able to cope with it.
25
September
Youngest
posted on Twitter “Heaven
adores you” “X O mom, it’s okay, it’s alright. Nothing’s
wrong” “Whiskey makes mind a helter skelter!” “I can’t
prepare for death any more than I already have”
I
don't know what the fuck I can do to help him. I've told everyone,
everyone including the Disability Area Manager Sheila Marshall for
Christ's sake, what the fuck am I going to do.
I had a bath, got re
dressed, waited on my couch for a knock on my door. I will kill
someone if my youngest dies. I will kill them with my bare hands. I
have roared for fucking years now in this country but who listens. NO
ONE. No one cares a shit any more, they only care about money and
what they can put in their pockets. They are disgusting, fucking
disgusting bastards disguised as professionals. Am I expected to sit
back and do fuck all till my son is dead and wait till strangers
arrive to tell me that. I don't fucking think so.
My own head is totally
mashed now because I'm petrified for him, I can only hope it's the
drink talking because he got his money yesterday and was probably on
the whisky, Christ how in God's name are all these professionals
getting away with this when they all know including the Garda. I've
got terrible shock zaps running thru me but I know its just stress, I
have no other professional left to contact so all I can do now is
wait.
26th
September
I
rang Pieta house about youngest. “unfortunately because he's an
adult no one can help him unless he asks for it” I said “he is
asking but no one is helping him, he's telling the world” I was
told “send him our link and get as much support as you can for
yourself”
Checked
youngests Twitter “had more appointments than in years” Thank
God, that tells me someone is actually doing something for him now.
God
I'm so tired and weary. I need to start eating meals again. Years and
years of not doing so properly means I'm susceptible to every illness
going.
At
8.29pm the Garda rang me and I almost shit myself. I was shaking like
a leaf convinced it was about youngest but thank god it wasn't. It
was a lovely Garda from that woman's area. He said “I got all the
correspondence now from Dublin about that one harassing you. Want to
have a chat with you before I contact her, I know her and will put a
stop to it” I said “she's not contacted me since 1st
August thank Christ” He said “good, you need peace of mind” He
told me to contact the Garda in Dublin dealing with it about what I
want to do. I said “I do not want to stir any hornets nest” He
said “that would be my fear now that she's stopped” I said “at
the moment I have so much worry about my child so I'd rather let
sleeping dogs lie” He said “sorry to hear that and sorry me
calling you caused you so much fear, I've been reading thru some of
her emails and I am sorry you got so much grief from her, I know her
well. I will write a report for Dublin and any contact from her, you
call me right away” I asked him about G, the lovely Garda who
helped us back in 2006, he said he doesn't know him but knows he is
retired now. I asked him to send on my best wishes to G and explained
to him how he helped us. He said he would tell his senior colleagues
and get my best wishes passed on to G, he wished me luck and a bit of
peace. How kind and wonderful. Why the fuck can't so called
professionals in the so called caring system not be more like these
lovely people.
2nd
October
My
counselling session. I was asked “what attracted you to your ex”
I said “I was not attracted to him, I felt sorry for him” She
said “that's the carer in you”
I
don't quite understand what counselling is all about. I go in and
never know what is going to come up. She said “the low down you is
the child coming out and the extrovert you is the external mask
everyone wears. All I can think today is I am unloved by everyone.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's just my reality.
Caught
an awful bug.
8th
October
I
sent my youngest the Pieta House link
9th
October
Woke
up at 4am throwing up. I've caught another bug. I'm like a child
when I'm sick, I get scared in case I choke.
16th
October
I
cannot cope any more with youngests lying, spurious postings. I
should not be reading them but I'm like a magnet drawn to them. “Do
you know how affirming it is when your 20 years of abuse and neglect
is not only acknowledged but being addressed by psychs”
What
a lying bastard he is. How in God's name can he say such things. He's
definitely not referring to his father because only I ever loved and
parented him so it's obviously me who's “abused and neglected”
him but how? He was never abused nor neglected his whole life, he
was spoilt rotten because he was my baby, the last child I knew I
would ever have. I was peri menopausal at age 38. The only wrath he
ever got from me was from my cursing mouth but only when I couldn't
take any more and Gheel were certainly informed by me because I was
also screaming and cursing at them about youngest on the phone to
them. I don't think he will ever be happy till I am 6ft under and
that's the truth as I see it. I don't think he will ever be happy
full stop. I really do not know who he is at all and if he came near
my door I could not open it to him. How could someone I loved more
than life itself, who was so gentle, sensitive, loving, caring, kind,
helpful, funny, shy and have empathy turn into this monster he's
become against his own mother. What kind of fucking sickness can
change a persons being and personality as bad as he has changed. It
is awful, bloody awful to be portrayed as something I'm not, and
never have been and never will be or could be. I have no idea what he
hopes to achieve with accusations like these. I am afraid that like
his father he will manipulate and pull the wool over everyone's eyes
that he is the “victim” which will never get him the real
professional help he needs but defend myself I will always, I detest
liars, they are dangerous. Is that why he's doing it. Because he
knows how much I battle anyone who lies to me or about me.
GP
appointment, I have a chest infection. I showed him my youngests
latest, he said “that is so wrong and really sad, he is a very ill
man”
19th
October
I
cannot sleep with non stop coughing and I've injured a rib doing so.
The state of me.
21st
October
Counselling
session: I was told “you can give and give to people like your boys
and it would never have been enough, you could turn yourself inside
and out and it would have just carried on the same way”
22nd
October
Cardio
Appointment at hospital. I cancelled the operation as meds seem to be
helping my palpitations. Got told “very worried about your chest”
was given more steroids.
23rd
October
Had
to walk very slowly going from A to B. I can breathe in okay but
breathing out is almost impossible. The coughing is hacking and
painful, I'm clutching my left rib whilst doing so as the pain is
horrendous. Can I get any worse. Famous last words.
4th
November
Only
work is keeping me moving forwards. Only my lovely friends are
holding me up.
I'm
attending a very good counsellor. I suppose years and years of
Domestic Abuse means anyone would need a bit of help. She really has
helped me as she said “even if you turned yourself inside and out,
upside down, spun on a coin, nothing would have been good enough and
nothing would have changed, the outcome would always have been the
same” She said “I know that due to the problems people like your
sons have, means they think of no one else except themselves, nothing
and no one else matters except them, their feelings, their wants,
needs and views” and “stop get sucked into youngests postings of
you. Protect yourself, always remember the truth, it will eventually
be seen for what it is, just like your ex was seen for what he really
is, that is why they hop from one relationship to another, they never
last”
That
tells me I was on a hiding to nothing from day one. I had sort of put
together a jigsaw re my ex and my 2 sons and came to the conclusion
that one must be BPD Cluster A, the other BPD Cluster B and the other
BPD Cluster C. I know it's not written in stone for them, but on
reading up on these it certainly fits their bill.
The
counsellor said “not many people would have survived one, never
mind with three, you should be proud of yourself for having survived
at all” I told her “I did not survive, I am totally
psychologically damaged and destroyed from ever having any kind of
relationship with anyone never mind a man. I have been on my own now
for 9 years, I've been told often enough that I'm a stunning looking
woman with a heart of gold, I reject all male attention. I would
rather be alone the rest of my days than ever have anyone hurt me
mentally, emotionally, financially and physically ever again. I do
not trust myself that it will not ever happen again. I do not trust
myself that I would not go nuts and lash out verbally at anyone who
hurt or betrayed me in the future, who knows, all that pain and
anguish might come out one day”
That
session gave me food for thought but I'm just too weak and ill at the
moment to figure anything out in my head.
14th
November
Caught
another shagging head cold FFS.
Tried
to go to work but with the bus being so packed it made me feel like I
was having a panic attack. I wasn't, it's just my chest is so tight
and painful and I'm having great trouble breathing.
Off
sick now. Fuck, I hate being on my own for days on end. I don't want
to be alone at home because all I will do is think and I don't want
to think.
20th
November
I am
losing my freaking mind. I was sitting on the couch when out of no
where I could smell my eldest so strongly as if he was standing in
front of me.
I
found out that Darragh Byrne of Gheel Autism Services is the CEO
Peter Byrne's SON and he was a car salesman for 9 years. How the fuck
is he the Manager of the Outreach Team, the despicable bastards. They
will BOTH get their comeuppance one day. Welcome to nepotism alive
and kicking. I should not really be surprised at all and all the
times I told Darragh Byrne on the phone to get that CEO to answer my
fucking emails of complaint. Now I know he was just protecting his
fucking FATHER. The cunts that they are. I will have my day with them
one day.
21st
November
Bit
of energy back in me thank God. The coughing fits are dreadful and
leave me really struggling to breathe. I went into work and my lovely
friend went out and bought me a cough bottle from the chemist. I
chugged it down like juice. The shop customers were laughing. Dublin
8 is my favourite area in Dublin. I would move there in a heartbeat
if I could. Everyone now knows me there and I can't walk down the
street without a hug and a chat with the customers. That is what a
real community is. Genuine kind, decent, caring people.
30th
November
The
tears I've been fighting so hard to stop are flowing freely. I don't
think I can survive my youngests vile, fantasy outpourings.
3rd
December
Counselling
session: I showed the counsellor everything youngest wrote on
Twitter I was advised “stop reading his shit, he knows what he's
doing, it's just ongoing abuse” this counselling person is a breath
of fresh air.
16th
December
Letter
arrived from the Ombudsman, there is no case to answer, it's a matter
for DCC which the HSE have no power or control over. This is utter
bullshit, my eldest was a child when Dr Amitta Shah wrote her
“immediate recommendations” in 2008. It's a white wash cover up.
It's always the same in this fucking place, circle your wagons,
protect each other, you will all answer for this one day.
Went
to see the counsellor, oh the temper in me re Gheel and the HSE and
the Ombudsman. The counsellor said “I cannot imagine what you're
going thru, stay well clear from your sons, show no emotion, they
know what buttons to push in you, they will never change and you
cannot change them. I don't want to see you in jail re Gheel, I'm
worried about you're very fragile mental health but completely
understand your anger” I replied “I would not have “fragile
mental health” if it weren't for Gheel doing Jack shit to help”
She reminded me “you have dragged yourself thru years and years of
abuse and ultimate control from your ex husband, you had to up sticks
and move repeatedly, you alone shouldered everything thrown your way
and the shock and despair you felt when your sons were diagnosed with
a life long disability and still you got no help from those who
should have done everything to help you, you have to stop being so
hard on yourself, you did everything you could do”
It
didn't make me feel any better, the black hole I'm in is going to be
a huge bastard to get out of.
18th
December
Hospital
at 9am. My breathing function tests are not good.
The
ex and the Divorce court have stitched me up re my half share of his
three English Pensions. Letter from the UK pension service said
“court orders made outside of UK are not applicable to UK pension
arrangement”
The
ex might be an evil fucking nutter but he's one clever cunt. Still
mugging me off and all 9 years after I left him. I don't care at all.
I'm used to having absolutely nothing. It's just more money he's
robbed from my sons as I've wrote a will leaving my share of pensions
to them. I wrote to Aunty with a copy of the letter the pension
company sent me, she always said to me “he's rotten to the core”
He is her nephew, she has known him his whole life.
25th
December
I
have got to get out of this dark hole. I kept my curtains closed the
whole day.
30th
December
Back
at work. I love it, keeping busy and meeting lovely people. I get on
great with everyone. My counsellor rang me at work. She said she
would ring me once I get home. Not many would do that. I was on the
phone for an hour with the counsellor she told me “you need to make
a report what youngest is writing online about you and take it to the
Garda, ask for their advice, get it on record, go to your GP ask him
for a referral letter to take to DCC and move away from where you are
now and the hell hole you're in, you need a new start, it will open
up a new way of life for you, you're mental health is so clearly very
fragile, tell your GP it's because you're living in limbo and fear
and with youngest just living round the corner from you it's stopping
you doing anything other than travel to work and home”
No
Happy Xmas or Happy New Year this year. No writing down of hopes and
wishes for next year.
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