Mental health and Asperger syndrome by Christine Deudney

http://oldmankelv.awardspace.co.uk/mentalHealth1.html

Nothing more to say or write 2017 to 2018

Email to Friend

Hi Friend, Thank you so much. You do know I would have been in a lunatic asylum a very long time ago if it wasn't for you. You are such a good and kind friend to me. I re read my baby diaries today and even if it had not been me who wrote them and I simply read them, you can tell love just poured out of the mother writing them, you cannot make up fact as happened so that has helped. Thank you Friend, I am fine, just sad but tomorrow is another day.

Email from Friend “Anne, I know from what you wrote that you can keep your safety net around you. You just have to do that and not pay any attention to what youngest wrote. He is hurting and in deep pain and you are the only one he can throw stones at. You know and I know that you are not to blame. End of story. But horrible to see and read what he wrote”

Youngest had posted on Twitter “after 15 weeks of assessment, finally got my report- I didn't get a diagnosis but got psychological formulation, tho she did say my closest diagnosis would be borderline and Schizoid. My psych report is a damming indictment of my parents, especially my mother”

My brain cannot or won't process how this child of mine who was so loved by me could now be this man, this stranger, this chronic abuser of his own mother. I am not how he constantly describes, who is this person. I do not know the person he has become. And who are the professionals giving him the labels he craves without having the full story. No one will ever know my child as I do.

Youngest on Twitter “I've been in hospital for like 27 hours now” He did not explain why.

I feel completely drained. I know I shouldn't be reading the bile youngests posts on Twitter because it pulls me down into a dark, dank pit of gloom. It leaves me stupefied and questioning my sanity with, is he right, was it me, is it all my fault. That's the kind of brain I now have. And no he's not right and no it's not all my fault. His brain is wired wrong due to his father and his grand fathers genetics. I have letters from his Grand fathers sister who gave me the facts. It was certainly not youngests upbringing. I wish there was a law against damming an innocent person online with no right to defend themselves, he knows I would be defending myself immediately with every key stroke he makes because he knows me so well.

2^nd October 2017

Feeling very, very, very, very down and very low in spirit. I cannot switch my thoughts off. I'm staring down an abyss. If anyone asked me if I had any regrets I would tell them no. I just want to know what the fuck it's all been for. Why the two men (sons) in my life who I loved with every part of me, chose to try and obliterate my health, mental and physical and left me such an emotional wreck that I refuse to have any close relationship with anyone ever again as I will never expose myself to that level of hurt, pain, torture, anguish, heartache or heartbreak ever again. I love the three close friends I now have in my life and as always my Friend who still rings me weekly but I keep my home and my work life very much separate. I am a different person now in the house, I am a lone wolf who just exists. I am no longer scared in the house to turn my back as no one is here to hypothetically stab me in the back but those two men destroyed me, they robbed me of my total joy of life, they stifled and eventually suffocated my very spirit, they left me deflated, so all I do now is drag myself thru each day and hope one day the real me will come back. I liked that person.

12^th October 2017

I sent youngest all his childhood photo's by email but I doubt him seeing photo's of himself as a happy, healthy and loved child will ever change his stance. I need to keep telling myself that he's mentally ill and lives in his own negative world so needs dire and negative childhood fantasies to match his dire and negative adulthood. I thank god I wrote “baby diaries” since pregnancy and have many “home movies” of him and his brother because his made up shit sure make me question my sanity continually.

16^th October 2017

Hi Friend, Hope all is well with you. I'm still sick, my head cold has now gone onto my chest. I'm disgusted with youngest, I had been staying off his Twitter but I checked just now and I swear that boy will get me hung with his lies or himself banged up in a psych unit for a long time. No wonder I can never get my head round anything and keep in mind what is real and not real. His latest post is: "Do you know how affirming it is when your 20 years of abuse and neglect is not only acknowledge but being addressed by psychs" How in god's name can he say such a thing to professionals, he is definitely not referring to his father as only I ever loved and parented him so it's obviously me he's claiming "abused and neglected" him but how? because he was never abused nor neglected by me in his life, the only wrath he ever got from me was my cursing mouth when I could take no more and Gheel were certainly told because I was screaming at them about him down the phone. I don't think he will be happy till I'm 6 feet under and that's the truth as I feel it. I really do not know who he is at all and if he came near my door now I would not open it. It is awful to be portrayed as something you're not and never have been and never will be and I have no idea what he could possibly be achieving with these accusations and have "psychs" acknowledge and address, whatever the hell that means. I am afraid that like his father he will manipulate and pull the wool over everyone's eyes that he is a victim which will never get him the real professional help he needs. I just cannot believe it. The rest below is just a few other bits he's posted. I am not working till Saturday. Take care Friend and thank you, no need for any reply.

"He then gave me an appointment 2 weeks out to see his psychologist who’s on holiday. Suicidal depression doesn’t take a fucking holiday”​

“I now understand why one of his patients killed herself”

“To quote “Get drunk, find a gun”

“The statistics for completed suicides in BPD are 400% higher than the [U.S.] national average​​

I think it’s quite clear that this is compounded by psychs blatant refusal to treat, to diagnose, the associated stigma and multi diagnosis”​

“Quite startling to see your own words echoed by those who are now dead”

“Because if those before you couldn’t be helped what makes you any different”​​

“Another bastard psych appointment tomorrow. I wonder how detailed you need to get about ideation before they take you seriously”

“I had screening tests at another place 4 weeks ago now and that hasn’t been addressed at all. No medication, no nothing”

I don't know what I would have done all these years without my dear friend's common sense, friendship and wisdom.

24^th October 2017

I had to go to my GP to get blood results and told him “I'll tell you the real reason I'm here after my results” My bloods were fine, I've just got anaemia. He's a nice enough man even tho I've had my fair share of run ins with him but when I really need to tell him something important I write it down because I don't want to be a blubbering wreck in his office and then have to walk the street till it's time for my bus home. I gave him what I wrote: “I need help but NOT medication. I relive losing my boys daily in slow motion, I relive their whole lives in my head daily when I'm alone at home. I think of them whilst I'm travelling to work and tears pour down my face on the bus, I'm embarrassed at doing so in a public arena and afraid I'm going to crack up again. I'm not depressed, I'm having a great time at work, I love my work and the people I work with and the customers, I could not be any happier doing that. It's my constant thoughts when I'm not distracted by work. Guilt is eating me up re my failure to cope solo with my boys and all their problems”

The GP read all youngest had written online about me and he knows the effect it's had on me. He started asking me questions “Do the boys see their father, Is he psychotic too, what was he like to live with” and when I answered his questions, the tears just poured out of me which is what I didn't want to happen. He said “I know exactly what's wrong with you, your self esteem is rock bottom, you're not a failure, you did your very best no matter what your sons say to the contrary. They were born like this, it's up to them to come to terms with it and stop blaming you. Stop reading anything from them, you're torturing yourself. Some people don't like talking but you do which is why I know you're troubled when you don't want to talk. You're a loving person, a spiritual person, you just need your self esteem brought back to normal” And he gave me the name and number of a Spiritual Counsellor but I would never be able to afford it on my income.

1st November 2017

Interview for another new second job. I started tonight. It's hard work but it will do me good.

Youngest has written “Finished my first session of Cognitive Analytic Therapy. My therapist said my mother was completely emotionally abusive and neglectful. It was.....validating”

I cannot take any more of his lies, it's alright my friends of many years standing who live far away from me to tell me to just ignore him but that man knows what buttons to push in me, he's been practising on me his whole life and his “script” never changes. I must have had a crystal ball as I forecast he would re write his whole history years ago. How can these “therapists” not see thru him, his manipulation, his attention seeking, his slander. His written words do not hurt me as badly as they used to any more. It's anger I now feel. If a therapist is sealing his lies with validation what's to stop an erratic mentally ill man harm me in person and most probably get away with it. I'm putting it in writing to my GP so that if anything does happen to me from my youngest son's hands that there is a record of it. There is never any sign of his erratic mental illness when he is pursuing women and travelling to London to see his favourite band.

I re started counselling and was told “it was dreadful domestic abuse” and youngest “is projecting all anger on you, it's not true so do not water the seed, you need self love and self care, it's a living bereavement you are going thru and eldest only wants you when he needs someone to fight his battles then he has no more use of you, set boundaries, strong boundaries, you know his chapter and verse, help me, fight for me then fuck off abuses, only you can stop it all”

I had a dream about my youngest. He was walking towards me and looked like he did when he was 10 years old, he held his arms out for me to hug him and I did hug him for a long time and I said to him but you don't like me or love me any more and he replied but your my mum, my mum, my mum. I woke up crying and with conflicting emotions, it was a lovely dream and felt so real to be hugging him but it wasn't real at all. My son is gone.

My eldest son is now 25 years old and I hope he is happy and healthy and no longer stuck in the same place with agoraphobia. I haven't seen him in person since he was 21 years old and I have not spoken to him since March 2016 when he needed my help to fight his battles then told me I was useless and to fuck off again. It only seems like yesterday when I brought my most beloved first born son into the world and travelled home with him from the hospital with Simply Red's “Your Babies” playing on the car radio. He was so loved and wanted and precious and beautiful.

Youngest has written on Twitter that I slapped both him and his brother so hard when they were 3 or 4 that hand prints were left on their skin for hours afterwards and that I made my eldest eat soap because he said the word bastard. I am utterly destroyed that he can come up with nothing but lies. My children were never slapped ever by me except when my eldest slammed a plug and a double adaptor into my face and spat fully in my face when we lived in the cottage and he was 12 years old then. I can only assume he's writing it for my benefit, to either hurt me which its obviously doing or that he wants some sort of reaction from me.

My adopted daughter T rang me at 8.30pm and when I told her what youngest had now written she did not hold back. She said “I've known those two since one was in primary school and the other starting secondary school and not only is youngest a fucking liar but he has no good left in him at all any more. I believe he is dangerous to you and also dangerous to anyone that is close to you, I think he will hurt anyone close to you as he knows how much that would cause you real pain and me and my kids will never feel safe visiting you again. Any one who does not know you and reads the shite he's writing will think that he is a poor soul and that's what he wants people to think and to feel sorry for him and think on his behalf what a bad bastard his mother must be but he is the bad bastard and I have no doubt at all he will try and kill you and get away with it by playing the mental health card” I said “why does he not use his real name on Twitter and he knows I read it because he wrote “I know you read this” T said “I have never known anyone in my life change the way he did, he was leading a double life when he lived with you, all nice and affectionate to you when I was visiting but going up to his bedroom and posting nothing but badness about you and you knew nothing about it for years, he is just the same mould as his father”

Counselling

I was asked when youngest first started changing. It was an unexpected question. As upsetting as I found it all I had a light bulb moment. My youngest saw how I reacted every time his father lied to me or about me and he saw the energy I mentally used up to go all out to disprove his lies. I don't know why I have this constant need to show liars for what they are especially when those lies are directed at me. But I'm exhausted now, I feel I have no fight left in me. I am emotionally and mentally drained and have no interest in people or life any more. My zest has gone completely. My youngest broke me down completely in the house till I could take no more and had him removed by the Garda and now he is obsessed and wants revenge all because I could not cope with him or his brother any more, no one could cope with them solo and I was supposed to be “a strong woman” and that is all I am guilty of. I'm no saint, what human is, I have the biggest mouth on me, but I am not the sinner he is trying to portray me as either. I simply could not cope solo. Youngest knows I was petrified, scared out of my wits petrified of his fathers craziness which almost drove me into insanity. His attempted ruination of my reputation has been going on for 4 damn years now and I cannot take it any more. I refuse to take it any more and if he ever becomes sane again I hope he is proud of himself and the torment he put me thru when living with me and when not living with me. If I was “an abusive cunt” why did he not just leave when he reached 16, why did he have to be put out by the Garda. There is a flaw in my own genetics, there must be because I cannot get my head around any of this, weighing up the child I loved and adored and would have died or killed for and this man he is now. I sobbed thru the whole counselling session and had to go to my second job after that. I'm not in a good place at all.

T rang me after I sent her a text. She said “he's a grown ass, dangerous man, yet so sly because he never gave or gives anyone else the abuse and shit he gave you” My head does know that she's correct but my heart still sees my adored baby. So my youngest baby, whatever this was about, you win as I'm all done in now, I hope that makes you happy son.

Went to my GP and showed him all my youngest is claiming and I feel psychologically damaged. He told me to be less emotional and to stay strong. If I could manage that I would not be sitting in his bloody surgery, he offered me anti depressants, I'm not depressed, I just want the shit to stop. I came out with tears pouring down my face, the lovely receptionist told me to sit in the staff toilet till I was ready to leave. On the bus home the counsellor rang me out of the blue, I jumped off the bus and sobbed all the way home on the phone with her, she said “your son is being very cruel” She pointed out to me “you never gave up till you could not go on any longer as your own health was at risk so never think you are a failure”

But I am a failure, because I failed, big time.

One of the girls in work who now knows me very well and is a great friend gave me a mothers day card, chocolates and a beautiful bouquet of flowers for being motherly. I was so touched at her kindness and thoughtfulness. She said “you should know by now how much you are loved by us girls” I will never forget her kind heart.

Counselling session.

I'd printed out and handed over my early journals to her. She said “it's disgusting the way your sons spoke and treated you and I don't understand how you let them away with bullying and manipulating you so much” I had no answer to give her except that they had been thru so much with their father and I thought their anger was natural. She told me “your doing great now and your getting stronger so keep going” because I did not cry during this session so that must be a good sign.

Counselling session.

I asked what counselling does for a person. I was told, it helps to get it all out of you. She said she can see my confidence returning. She said she cannot believe that when eldest was diagnosed with a disability at age 15 that no one helped me adjust to that news. I told her I was far too busy screaming for help for him that I never had the time to adjust to anything never mind be offered help but what was written down a files in another county looked like I had been offered the world on a gold plate.

I sent an email to my youngest for his 24^th birthday. I have been staying off his Twitter account. My email to him bounced back as not a valid email address. He's had that email account for 12 years so worry took over. I checked his Twitter “looking online for carbon monoxide gas” I've printed his words out to take to my counselling session as the counsellor is HSE funded so she can give it to the relevant people to get him help.

Counselling session. 
I gave her what youngest wrote and my permission to pass it on to her supervisor so youngest can be helped.

Youngest posted online an apparent email from his therapist, I was in bits about it till my friend told me after I had sent it to her that it looked like a cut and paste job. I never noticed that, all I was concerned about was this “it seems like you missed out on the experience of a caring mother that responded to your needs, I imagine that this neglectful and abandoning behaviour must have been really hard” I wish to god I could upload my home movies, both my sons were happy, full of laughter, cheeky, hard work but a pleasure to be with and I was always with them, I enjoyed their company. It's like a stab in my heart and my back when I see that kind of utter lies and crap from him. If he will not be honest he will never get the right help.

I dislocated two ribs after having bad coughing spasms. My god the pain of it was horrendous. Nothing can be done except via a physiotherapist but at €55 a session I have no chance of affording that.

Walking down a spiral staircase at work when I side stepped a huge bumble bee and fell to the bottom, slapping my left hand hard on the floor at the bottom. I knew from the shape of my wrist that I'd broken it and no one was there to help me. It took me a few minutes to shuffle my ass to grab the bannister and haul myself upright then I screamed with the pain. I have never known anything like it. No one was in the building which was unusual but I got my phone and rang 999 to find out where the nearest hospital was but screamed the place down as I instinctively tried to hold my phone with my broken wrist hand. An ambulance turned up and they laughed as I repeatedly said “mammy, mammy, mammy” even tho I normally curse like a navvy. I was 3 hours at the hospital. I've broken both bones in my wrist and “also have a money shot of a floating bone splinter” that they're worried about. A half plaster cast was put on and my very small fingers resembled very fat sausages. I didn't know how the fuck I was going to manage at home on my own with only one hand to use. The only time I cried was when I couldn't let my poor dog out of the back door when I got back because you need to hold the handle up before you can turn the key to unlock the door. I had to go back to the hospital 2 weeks later and thankfully the splintered bone had not moved so no need for any operation. Had a full plaster cast put on as the swelling had gone down. When I got the cast off I had to go for physiotherapy, my arm did not feel like mine and was so skinny compared to my right arm. The physio bloke asked me if I'd ever had a dexa scan, I told him no, he told me I needed one.

Been talking to the oldest friends I have in the UK since 1982. They have known my sons since they were born and cannot believe what happened with them. No one saw it coming and certainly not me.

I've converted all my home videos into MP4's. One day my sons will get them and will realise what a happy childhood they did have up till we moved to Ireland in 2002.

Hospital for a DEXA scan. I thought it would just be on my wrist but it wasn't, It was on my spine and my hips. I was given the results straight away. I have 4 vertebrae that has Osteoporosis and the rest have Osteopenia. I was told I could already have spine fractures because I've had awful back pain for years, something goes snap and I get severe muscle spasms. I asked the man, what do I do now, he said discuss it with your GP.

I rang the Osteoporosis help line and spoke to a lovely knowledgeable woman. She told me what I need to do. Request full 4 page Dexa scan with images and individual score results from the hospital and send to their Professor, get a full blood works done then make an appointment with the professor for all results.

Respiratory Clinic appointment. My Bronchitis is now 10% better and is now 70%. Great news but they also did a new lung test on the Alveoli of my lungs which was only 63% so not enough oxygen is getting into my lungs. I was told “you could be on oxygen this time next year”

Appointment with the Osteoporosis Professor. She was lovely. She told me I'm not absorbing nutrients, that I am celiac and must have a wheat and gluten free diet from now on. Further X Ray is needed on wrist, she thinks I have triangular fibrocartilage complex as I should not still be having any wrist pain. She said I should not be working “you'll know all about it if you fracture your spine, you could end up in a wheel chair so no bending forwards, no lifting, no twisting, no carrying heavy weights” Need spine x-ray done as Dexa scan was flat and not from the side. Very low Vitamin D levels, only 40% and should be around 80%, need to take liquid Vit D for 5 weeks then twice a year injections for life.

I went to see my GP, he said “it's up to you if you want to stop working, it's your choice” He did not allay any of my fears at all.

I did cry when I got home. I do not want to lose my independence. Then I thought: I came into this world kicking and screaming and I will go out of it the same way.

Another GP appointment to get spine x-ray results. My vertebrae have “no acute fractures but do have narrowing and wedging which is why it feels like something has snapped before the severe muscle spasms start”

Walking home from my evening job and started coughing and my rib went pop again and I screamed with the pain. Had to walk home taking baby steps. I am sick of having pain.

Had to go and see the osteopath, what a miracle worker. He told me it's the nerves running down my spine causing my ribs and muscles such terrible pain and that's what has pushed my ribs out. He worked on the nerves running down my spine and the relief was pure bliss

My lovely friend invited me to her house for Xmas. I declined telling her that Xmas is for families. Xmas just makes me sad now so I do not celebrate it any more plus I no longer have a family.

2018

I have not seen my two sons for 5 years now. The pain of it doesn't hurt as bad one day but the next day I can be in tatters and not fit at all to leave the house. I'm still working at my evening job and just take heavy duty painkillers when my ribs pop out as they do often now. Sometimes all you can do is just get on with it and I do but mentally and emotionally I took the hardest battering and I know I will never recover from it. No one knows what it's really like to be me because I do not tell them. I put on my chirpy voice, my smiling face and the comedienne in me comes to the fore when I interact with others, which is just my three close girl friends now and my long standing friend who never failed me.

People can be told they have a fractured bone but it's actually a break and that's the magic of vocabulary, people may think a fracture isn't as serious as a break but it's the same thing. I never once in my life heard anyone say someone has a fractured heart, it's always called a broken heart and when you have one you will know all about it. The pain of any broken bone is nothing in comparison to a broken heart.

When you are emotionally broken, it's fantastic if you can put yourself together again or if you can get professional help to do so but it hasn't worked for me and by god I have tried everything to put myself back together again. Maybe some people cannot be put back together again.

It's not just one thing that breaks a person but all it can take is that one final thing that can break the camels back.

I spent many, many years hypothetically looking over my shoulder for the next explosion, the next fear, the next worry, the next spite, the next mind game, the next threat of violence, the next actual violence, the next overdose, the next self harm, the next throwing of all venom verbally into my face and ears so no wonder my emotional health is so fragile and in tatters. I can only liken this mad roller coaster to a washing machine. The wash cycle goes round normally but then it goes into a spin and you wait and you cope and you hope that the spin cycle stops so that the normal cycle can start again. That is my explanation for 23 years of my life with an ex and my two sons, so even strong people can break.

I am so damaged and irreparable now and I no longer do anything of importance at all despite my numerous qualifications. It's not that I'm lazy and do not want to, it's because I am fearful of anything and everything but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I still have a big mouth. I would still go out of my way to protect what is termed as “the underdog” I am still kind to people who are homeless or begging, I am still a muppet or a mug when it comes to a sob story but these are people on the periphery and not in my immediate sphere. It's my immediate sphere that I protect and let no one in to and never will. I have been without an intimate relationship now for 13 years. I rejected male attention firstly because of my sons and their needs and now I reject male attention because of my sons and their awful treatment of me. I am destined to be alone because I never, ever want to be hurt or feel fear ever again. I am in constant fight or flight mode, there is no in between. The work I do is stress free and gives me a goal to leave the house but apart from that and to get food shopping I do not leave the house at all. What should have been my sanctuary since I first moved here in 2010 became my prison now it's my self made prison. How warped is that and all my own fault but I do not know how to get out of this mess. It was man made now it's woman made (me)

So what has been the point of writing all of this and by God it has taken me years, they are journals after all written year by year. Firstly it is a TRUE record of all those years followed by my thoughts and feelings of the TRUE facts. Secondly to show that strong people who are assertive and strong can still be ripe for abuse be it by a spouse, your children, so called professionals, the court system, by anyone. You just need to recognise it and take steps to get out before it affects your total health.

Why do absent parents get away with so much, how can they live with themselves when I could not live with myself and I did everything in my power to keep us together until I could do no more.

If I had an epitaph I think it would say “shy but acts confident, is kind and generous, loves people, very talkative, chatty and friendly to everyone, a fighter, laughs hard and loud, saw humour in most things, a decent run of the mill person who loved and grabbed life by the balls, singing and dancing along the way”

I realise now that there was nothing strong about me at all, I just became combative whenever I was promised supports and services or was lied to or lied about.

I will never know if Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations were implemented if our lives would have been different at all. But I do know if my eldest had, had his own space with me near him in separate living quarters, I would not have had the total emotional breakdown I did have and my youngest would have had a relaxed and more stable home environment but I shall never know because the powers that be did nothing about it.

There must be something flawed in me that I cannot move on from all that happened but by god I did try.

I failed my children. They also failed me.

I never got any answer from Gheel or the HSE or any other agency re all my questions about the Family Support Plan, not even thru my Freedom of Information requests posted to the HSE.

I have been on DCC housing exchange list for 5 years now. My GP and Cross care sent letters to them explaining my, by now, self isolation and I had visits with their housing officer but still I am here. I never go out now except to my part time job and once a week for shopping. I cannot do my volunteering any more because my physical health is shot to pieces.

My emotional health is kind of fine when I'm out of the house but even just travelling to work, my thoughts alone can set me off and silent tears fall still. So I feel pretty useless most of the time.

Some parts of these journals are not pretty to read. I see all my faults in them, I didn't realise that most of the time I was just a basket case since 2005 or perhaps beforehand with all that ex crazy fuckers shenanigans thru out the marriage so I was falling apart at the seams, just grateful to have got thru another crisis, dusting myself down and getting on with things the best way I knew how to and I hold my hands up to that because I'm no saint but the HSE and Gheel are sinners having left my family to destruct whilst they sat back and did jack shit.

It's just as well none of us has a crystal ball to see into the future. I would never have believed my life would pan out like this.

I do not know in this month of September 2018 if my two sons are alive or dead.

I must be deranged 2015 to 2016

I did nothing over Xmas and the New Year.

My boys (men) have been gone 18 months now and it's still a real physical pain in my heart. The menopause combined with Empty Nest Syndrome combined with utter fucking carnage has devastated me. I never knew before how the human body and the mind could flow like a tide with overwhelming emotions of pain, hurt, sadness, anger, fury and dejection in mere minutes but never acceptance. Not in my case yet anyway. I'm probably writing bollix but it's all I can do to get this internally shit, pain and anguish out of me.

Back in work. Back in counselling. Back with the external mask on which is easy to do when your mixing with the human race and your mind is taken off things for a few hours. I'm also in college. I always loved further education.

20^th February Email to my friend

“Hi, I'm going slightly mad, I was convinced I'd already sent you an email. I had a missed call on the 18th from the man at Cross care, his voicemail said Darragh of Gheel had contacted him to get hold of two letters from the bank in eldests name and he wanted someone to collect them from my address. I was not happy and that is an understatement. When I got home there was indeed bank letters for eldest (a pin number and a new cash card by the feel of them) and an email from the man at Cross care as "Gheel do not want to cause you any expense" I hit the roof at this stage and emailed the Cross care man that no one from Gheel had better turn up at my door and I would re direct the letters to Gheel but then I felt sorry that eldest would be sitting with no money if he didn't have a cash card so I posted them for next day delivery and requested a signature, it cost me €8 and was received by Gheels office at 9.30am this morning but not a squeak of thanks did I get from eldest”

1^st March

Call from the Garda “just checking how you are and if you're getting peace from that woman” Answer was yes. Thank God

26^th March My Furious email to Gheel CEO Peter Byrne:

“I am informing you that a Social Justice journalist is reading my diaries and hopefully they will disclose and prove what a shower of corrupt (come up with a Family Support Plan and charge the HSE for this but provided nothing to my family from 2009 to 2013) bastards you really are. I am waiting for the go ahead to provide all audio recordings of yourself, Brid in your Kildare office, Darragh Byrne, Edel, Andy McDonnell, Michael McCreadie, Sheila Marshall, Geraldine Murphy, Mary McNutt, Travis, Patrick, and all others you employ and talk to as so called Autism Professionals that were in my house and rang me under the guise of "support" that gave not a crap for me and my family yet you got paid a percentage of the 6 million per annum you receive from the HSE. What percentage I do not know as yet, as you will not disclose anything despite being asked by numerous TD's. You answered not ONE question. You replied to not one email of my begging you for help and supports for my sons yet you got paid large bucks for Jack. You will be made to answer eventually by hook or by crook. I do not know how you sleep at night. I am no longer an emotional mother begging for help, support and advice for my two sons with Aspergers Syndrome which did not materialise. You simply ignored everything. I am a taxpayer. I am a mother who lost her sons thanks to you. I will leave this to the journalist to decide. You will not evade questions and answers for much longer. You will answer to all your wrongdoings so no other family suffers what you left me and mine to suffer. You are a disgrace as are those you meet each Tuesday. You all mistook me for a fool, a foreigner, who would hopefully go away if you all ignored her long enough. You do not know me well enough to know that will never happen. I hope to see you all in court to prove what you really are”

No reply from that twat

14^th April

Counselling Session: I was given a Ruby Wax book to read “Sane New World” The counsellor said “you have come a long way since I first saw you when you were in the depths of hell. I can see your loving heart, it surrounds you, it's obvious to all. You're a warrior but it's time to give Anne the same amount of fight you did for your sons”

20^th April

Counselling Session: “work at being kinder to yourself. No more blaming yourself or negative thoughts”

24^th April

Had to stand and give a speech for a work thing. Mrs Confident in external mode was back in town, Mrs Timid internally had me squirming and shaking with my knees knocking. It was filmed. I was mortified. I now know why politicians etc wring their hand when all are looking at them. I did exactly the same thing. At least I wasn't wringing necks, not yet anyway.

27^th April

Thoughts: Professional lack of care, supports and services left my sons to get much worse which impacted on me and left me in a worse vulnerable position at the hands of abusive, sometimes violent and destructive men. Yet the professionals (Gheel) were being paid big bucks (by the HSE) to provide “family support” which did not materialise. Why not?

4^th May - Email to a friend

“Hi, I am good, thank you for your email. I have not had as much as an acknowledgement from Dil (the Social Justice Journalist) or anyone else. I will do my own replies to all and sundry as I've given myself a time frame of the end of May to do so. One of my friends lent me a VCR player so I've been watching all my home movies of my boys. I thought it would have been sad to watch but I had a smile on my face all the way thru. It just made me realise more what a good and fun mum I was although sometimes impatient (“hurry up and open your presents at Xmas” because they both had so many) Today I packed up all their belongings that they did not take with them. I've written their names and PPS numbers on them and marked them care of Gheel for the day I can afford a taxi to get them to Gheel. That's another big step for me”

9^th May

Toxic Troll emailed me twice “HELP ANNE”

15^th May

Another two emails from the Toxic Troll

1^st June Email to my friend:

“Hi, Sorry about Friday, I'm on holiday this week and been so busy getting assignments done for college. I had to visit 3 shops in town and take note of all their fixtures, fittings and signage then write a report on them. Only problem was the first shop I went into was Clerys and I’ve never been there before. I was writing away for my assignment when security came up to me and told me I needed clearance from Customer Services, so off I went to them and 3 calls made by them brought the manager to me who walked me out of the bloody shop because “your causing ruction for our staff,  Clerys has been sold and all they are seeing is you walking around taking notes and they are worried about their jobs being on the line” He was nice and friendly enough but I felt like a bloody criminal with the manager of the store and security guards walking me out so I made him shake my hand before I walked out of the shop. I was mortified. Soon as I left I slipped on dog poo and almost did the splits, god the shame and the agony I was in but I had enough notes to write a report. I've decided I'm not writing anything to the Ombudsman except letting them know how useless I think they are. I am tho going to take Tony O'Brien the HSE CEO apart by letter and putting in a formal complaint to the Freedom of Info people as they broke the law by giving me Jack re records that should have been on file. Youngest is still in cyber hiding and in 2 months eldest will be gone for 2 years and apart from that crap letter I got from Darragh Byrne not a word regards his health and well being have I heard which is a bloody disgrace. I have my last closing appointment with Pieta House tomorrow. The weather is awful today, I hope it's better down your end and that all is okay with you”

17^th June

DIT college graduation night with the girls.

26^th June

Letter for son, re posted to him via Gheel.

31^st July

I badly hurt my back. It's my own fault as I was trying to do the Dirty Dancing jump routine with my work colleague. I did get the lift correct and landed on my target but my colleague wasn't expecting me to do that to him and we both fell backwards in slow motion. He was fine but I'm now walking like John Wayne's surrogate child.

17^th August

New evening job, start tonight.

27^th August

Email from my eldest that I didn't get it till 7pm because I was working all day.

“If this is still your email address I need help. I need to go to the police regards Peter Byrne, Darragh Byrne and several other people from Gheel. They're responsible for carer abuse and withheld my prescription (twice in the space of a week), forcing me to go through benzodiazepine withdrawal like in 2009. The Dr refused to help and told me to go and talk to Peter Byrne. My relationship with Gheel is now essentially one between a junkie and a dealer. I cannot live like this anymore and I plan to kill myself if I'm forced to live under their authority”

27^th August at 7pm-

My email reply to my son

“Ring me now, I have no credit. If you have money get a taxi to your old address and do it now. Just noticed you sent 7 hours ago, I have just got in from working. Get in touch with me immediately”

27^th August at 7.28pm

Email from my son

“I'm working on an email draft I want to send you regarding Gheel withholding my prescription and forcing me to go through benzodiazepine withdrawal (it's one of two types of withdrawal that can kill you, the other being alcohol.) I'm telling you this now as I've told Barry (outreach team member) about it today and I don't want them contacting you first.

I went to my GP last Monday to tell him everything but he refused to read what I'd written down or get involved, even after reminding him that I'm his patient and it's his job to be concerned about my health. I had to write it down because I'd been awake for 2 days from the withdrawal.

Barry acknowledged today that Gheel had broken the law in doing what they did and didn't dispute my use of the term Carer Abuse (he actually affirmed it, but was very apologetic.) He just got back from holiday so this has nothing to do with him; it's Darragh Byrne and his father Peter Byrne that belong in a cell. I went to my doctor because I thought letting someone outside Gheel know what's happening would help; he wanted no part, I'm hoping you won't be the same.

I told Barry I was going to write an email asking you to phone the police; but I don't think it needs to come to that (as much as I'd like to see Peter and Darragh Byrne in a cell.) He said he'd be in touch with Darragh about 'my concerns' and I said that none of this would be necessary if they hadn't restricted access to my medication; he agreed but made it clear he was just a functionary and described himself as a 'messenger.'

I'm mentally ill so if I call the Guards on my own I don't think anyone will believe me; I'm easy for Gheel (and the police) to dismiss even though I have a diary on my pc going back to 2009 and I have text messages that prove everything I say.

The reason I went to my GP is because he's a figure of authority but just he wasn't interested and said it was between me and Peter Byrne / Darragh Byrne.

No amount of proof I have matters if no-one outside of Gheel even cares.

If you have the time here's what I had written down for the doctor, he wouldn't even look at my phone: 
1. I've met Professor Fitzgerald twice at Gheel's office and, as I've always understood it, he writes down a suggestion of what I want prescribed which is then brought to you to write the actual prescription. I usually have my meds dropped off on Mondays and Thursdays but I briefly switched to Monday, Wednesday and Friday earlier this year. When I changed back I started going through withdrawal due to the Xanax (I know it was the xanax as I had no withdrawal symptoms when I switched to Mondays and Thursdays while getting clonazepam every other day back in 2013, when I was prescribed it.) I asked Gheel to tell Professor Fitzgerald that I wanted the Xanax removed entirely and my Lyrica dose increased from 75mg (twice daily) to 100mg (twice daily) but all he did was add extra 25mg Lyrica capsules to my current prescription. Lyrica already comes in 100mg capsules so this was redundant and just leaves me with a desk full of a large number of packets containing meds that I need to sort into separate pill bottles. On top of that, Gheel have to slice open the packets and remove the Xanax for me. They sometimes fail to do that, so I need to leave them in a separate pill bottle by my desk. It's very frustrating and I'd like to get my prescriptions directly through you from now on instead of having to deal with Fitzgerald ever again. My meds are dropped off by Gheel on Mondays and Thursdays, as per my request. Three days worth on Mondays and the following four days worth on Thursdays.

I went to a concert on Wednesday the 12th. This was the seventh gig I've been to since my first one in May of last year and I always take 10x2mg clonazepam before each one as clubs are an extremely cramped, loud and stressful environment (my brother refuses to attend shows even while sedated.) Earlier that day I didn't have enough clonazepam to get me through the gig as I'd been struggling to sleep for 2 nights prior and had to take some clonazepam (that I'd been saving for the show) to help me sleep. I asked for three quarters of Thursday's meds to be dropped off that day (I'm supposed to be getting everything at the start of the week, anyway, so I didn't see a problem.) I was told that a nurse who works for Gheel declined to give me my medication. I didn't know Gheel even had a nurse but I replied by reminding them that it wasn't her decision to make, as the only people with any authority to make decisions about my prescription were my GP (i.e. what to prescribe and at what dose) and myself (i.e. when to take them.) In response, I was told that Peter Byrne (the CEO of Gheel) had decided I would be allowed HALF of my prescription. At this point I was furious as this was someone who definitely had no right dictating anything about my prescription and I told them I was going to take the clonazepam I still had left and call the Guards.

This made them panic and they dropped off three quarters of my prescription (as I asked originally) and I went to see the band play and loved it. On the 14th (Friday evening) I was told that I wouldn't receive the last quarter of that week's meds until Monday the 17th. Is this legal? It can't be.

The packets containing my prescription literally have my name on them and I only have them dropped off on Mondays and Thursdays because I've asked Gheel to. Their job is to facilitate access to my medication, not restrict it. It's not like I'm in a hospital and these people are the medical staff; only one person I've met from Gheel had medical experience and she left two years ago. By delaying my access to my own prescription they leave me wide open to benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome; people I have never met should not be able to make decisions about my health on a whim like this.

Can you intervene to stop them from doing anything like this again? I want it made clear to Peter Byrne that this absolutely cannot happen again as he does not have the authority to dictate to me when I can take my own prescription. I don't even know what the man looks like and to the best of my knowledge he isn't a Doctor.

Dr **** did drop the Xanax from my prescription and fix the Lyrica nonsense but that's irrelevant compared to the 2nd point I made. Richard from Gheel was sitting in the room with me at this appointment so Darragh ended up hearing about it and panicked (they don't like it when you go outside Gheel like I did in visiting my GP.) Darragh texted me on the 21st saying I now had an 'extra prescription' from Prof Fitzgerald that I can take whenever I need it. This is just unhinged. I didn't (and don't) need an extra prescription I just need the one I have.

I spoke to Barry for around 40 minutes today (including reading the last two paragraphs of part 2 out to him) and he conceded very quickly that what Gheel did was illegal but only reluctantly nodded his head when I described it as carer abuse (because that might implicate him, and he was on annual leave/holiday the whole time.) I didn't want the GP to phone the police, even though I walked into his office making it clear that I'd been awake for 2 days due to withdrawal. I just wanted him to call up Peter Byrne and make it clear that he can't take my health into his hands ever again as my medication is the business of my GP. He refused. He said Prof Fitzgerald was a specialist and thus overruled him. He admitted he could technically ignore that and intervene anyway but what he implied was that he'd be sticking his neck out and wasn't willing to do that so I'd have to go to Peter Byrne (who I was and still am fucking furious at) to ask him not to mess around with my medication in future.

I cannot live like this any more. It's inhumane and illegal and they know it. No explanation this time, just refusals, but the first time they were ever withheld was on October the 30th last year not long after a gig. I asked for Monday's dose to be dropped off early and a new girl called Fiona texted back saying she'd consult Darragh. I was angry as this was the very first time they'd ever hesitated. I'd asked christ-knows how many times before and I'd always get a reply in no more than an hour saying 'so-and-so will drop them off around 3:30pm' or whenever. Once she'd finished consulting with Darragh she told me he said that I needed a break and I went ballistic at her, calling Gheel fucking useless. I completely shot the messenger then and should have dealt with Darragh. They had never done this previously but I think I only bothered asking for meds early once more after that (at the start of Summer this year, when I thought I had an abscess and asked for a doctors appointment but cancelled it as Barry only offered me 1x2mg clonazepam. The abscess turned out to be a false alarm, thankfully.)

As for concerns I might overdose, as I told Barry this afternoon: that won't last a second in front of the police. Gheel drop off 3 days worth of meds on Mondays and the rest of the week on Thursdays. It'd be absurd for them to suggest I'd be a danger to myself in getting 3 days worth of my remaining prescription one day early (which is what they spent the day of the gig putting a fight up about) when they knew I was going to get all 4 days worth the very next day (as is the case every single week.) This isn't about my safety; if it was they wouldn't have withheld that final Sunday's worth of meds until the following day (sending me straight into withdrawal.) It's about Peter Byrne and his son Darragh having control. My brother has made it pretty clear he thinks I'm in the wrong and actually said (via text) that I'm being just like mum by "picking a battle where there isn't one." For fuck sake. Even Barry said earlier that, putting the professional relationship aside, he was very sorry about what was I was going through. Even Richard said when he drove me back home last week that he was sorry to for 'being a part of this' but I ignored him as I was shocked and gradually getting angrier. Barry and I have spoken several times about benzo withdrawal (I went through it cold turkey for 5 days in October 2009 and gave him a description. He was pretty interested as there are some authors from the 1950s he likes that wrote about their experiences with it”

27^th August at 7.35

My reply to my son

“Okay, I'll ring the Garda and ask them what you should do. Then I will forward you the Advocacy number and email addy as you have the right to your own medication and are not being listened to. I'll let you know what the Garda say”

27^th August at 7.50pm

My reply to my son

“Garda K is going to ring them. He might also ring you. I just said Peter Byrne is just a bloke with no medical qualifications who is illegally with-holding my son's medication”

27^th August at 7.51

My reply to my son

“How to contact the National Advocacy Service for People with Disabilities

National Helpline: 0761 07 3000 10am to 4pm. Email: info@advocacy.ie”

27^th August at 8:10pm

My reply to my son

“Garda K just rang me, he said, "spoke to your son there who explained the situation, have rang Gheel, spoke to Pearl and Darragh who is the Manager of the Outreach Team, they have assured me they will address the issue tomorrow and they said they had delivered your son 3 days meds today, I told them your son wants his meds delivered on Mondays only" he was again told they “will get the issue addressed tomorrow" Garda K said "if you have any more problems with this then just to contact me again” Is that okay for you for now!

27^th August at 8.14pm

Email from my son

“Gheel keep trying to get me to come in and 'discuss' this with them. I am not going to negotiate with them over what is already mine, which is what I think they mean by this being 'addressed tomorrow.' Tomorrow, when I have that 4th day worth of meds dropped off I'm going to have to answer to them again, acknowledging that they have authority over me yet again. I cannot fucking live like this”

27^th August at 8.18pm

My reply to my son

“Reply this to them: "There is nothing to discuss and I do NOT wish to meet with anyone. I am on medication for my health which you all know and you have had no problems facilitating delivery of them prior to recently. I am an adult, the prescription is in my name only and all you have to do is deliver them to me. I will be contacting a Disability Advocate first thing in the morning. Please do not continue to heighten my anxiety levels with any offer of meetings etc. I have asked that my medication is delivered to me on Mondays as prescribed for me and not as decided by any staff at Gheel. Thank you"

27^th August at 8.22pm

Email from my son

“Had a text from Pearl via the Outreach number saying that she'd been told I wanted my meds delivered once a week on a Monday and that she'd pass this on to Darragh first thing in the morning. This was sent at 8:10pm, just as you sent me the email saying that you'd be told by the Garda that he'd already spoken to Darragh”

27^th August at 8.25pm

My reply to my son

“Tell her that Garda K rang your Mother and he told her he spoke to Pearl and to Darragh Byrne this evening and was given assurance that the "issue about meds" would be addressed tomorrow and they were told by the Garda that you wanted them delivered on Monday's only. Darragh does not have to be told tomorrow as he was spoken to already by Garda K”

27^th August at 8:39 pm

My email to my son

“Do you want me to email Peter Byrne, Darragh Byrne and cc it to HSE Disability Manager (they meet with her every Tuesday for funding but I know she'll be on phone to them right away. Tomorrow is Friday so I do not want them pressuring you when all officials are off work for the weekend”

27^th August at 8.41pm

Email from my son

“Sure, that sounds fine. I'm clocking off for tonight, though. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep when you replied to my email but now I'm exhausted and have a fucking headache. Not looking forward to tomorrow”

27^th August at 8.46pm

My reply to my son

“Ok. Do you want me to send your email as a record of what has actually happened. I'm going to bed soon myself. If you do not want to engage with them, tell them by text to leave your meds where they normally leave them. I am not working till 4pm tomorrow so if you want me to contact the doctor and get the chemist to deliver your meds directly to you, let me know, I can get them to ring you and arrange that. Can I also on your behalf contact a man at Cross care who is an independent Advocate who already has Darragh Byrne's telephone number. I won't till you say it's ok.

27^th August at 8.48pm

Email from my son

“That's a lot to think about. Ask me again tomorrow”

27^th August at 9.26pm

My “URGENT” email sent to autism@gheel.ie and Darragh Byrne <darraghbyrne@gheel.ie> and peter@gheel.ie and Infoline1@hse.ie

“My son contacted me by email and telephone as Peter Byrne, his son Darragh Byrne, his staff and nurse have been withholding and/or delaying HIS prescribed medication that he needs for his health, otherwise they would not be prescribed for him. I am informing you that this is an illegal practice and not one of you is a qualified physician so you are in abuse of power which is a crime as per the law of this country.

My son has a detailed and catalogued timeline of what I, his Mother perceives as an abuse of power which will be provided when he gives me consent to do so.

I contacted the Garda tonight and spoke to Garda K in ****** who told me at 8.01 pm that he had spoken to Pearl and Darragh Byrne, Manager of Gheels outreach Team, he told them he had spoken to my son personally who wanted his medication delivered on Monday's only, this Garda was told that the issue would be addressed tomorrow. My son was then contacted by an Outreach staff member called Pearl who stated that she would pass this on to Darragh first thing in the morning, a complete contradiction of what Garda K had told me.

My son is your client and your client has requested that his prescribed medication is delivered to him on Monday's and not withheld, delayed or used as an abuse of power to force him to engage with you when he has clearly told you he has no wish to do so. Do not use tomorrow, Friday, as a means to force him into any meeting he does not wish to attend just because all other professionals will be going home early for the weekend. He has informed you he wants his prescribed medication delivered on a Monday, be kind enough to adhere to HIS needs. I will be engaging, with the consent of my son, an external Advocate and a solicitor so that my son's Human and Legal Rights are no longer abused in any way”

27^th August at 9.27pm- Your message to Darragh Byrne was automatically rejected 

28^th August at 8.35am

Email from my son

“Email I got from Barry last night at 9:49pm:

“Hi, I dropped meds outside door this morn - did you get those?” There's no end to these bastards. As for forwarding the email I sent you, I don't want it sent to Darragh or Peter Byrne but I've already said I don't mind it being sent to authorities, including people like the HSE Disability Manager you mentioned. As for contacting the doctor don't bother unless you plan on having a Garda there with you while you demand to know why he had no interest in intervening with Gheel on my behalf and tell him I've now had to involve the law. Contact the man at Cross care for me, please. I am sick of dealing with Gheel and would rather go through someone else”

28^th August at 8.36am

My reply to my son

“I won't do anything about the doctor, the advocate at Cross care etc until you give your consent. On a side note, if you are paying rent out of your own pocket for the place you are living in then you are a tenant and have legal rights, no one has the right to enter that place without your permission and if Gheel have a key and threaten to enter without your permission then simply get the locks changed. You must have signed a contract, find it and read it or research online. You need full knowledge of all your rights”

28^th August at 8.42am

Email from my son

“I didn't sign anything. They pay my rent and my bills and my disability covers my groceries. When the papers asking for renewal of tenancy (or words to that effect) arrived in the post one day I had to have them passed onto Darragh. As for the email bouncing back, don't expect a response. You can try sending it to Barry (Outreach team member) and Kate (my Key Worker, who I cannot stand) Barry is the one most likely to respond as he actually gave me his Gmail address so he'll receive a notification on his phone once it's in his inbox”

28^th August at 8.44am

My reply to my son

“I will email the GP this morning, I have his private email addy so that there is a clear record of what he failed to do for you as his patient. I will not send him your email but I will take some points from it and put in my own words. I will email the advocate before 9am, can I also send him your phone number in case he wants to speak to you, he may want all facts directly from you but I will send him your email so he knows what the picture is. I will send your email to infoline.ie which is the HSE email and mark it for the attention of the Disability Manager and her boss Sheila Marshal, neither of them will reply but I will cc it to CEO of the HSE Tony O'Brien. First stop will be the advocate tho”

28^th August at 8.48am

Email from my son

“I don't care if the doctor has my email. Time to jump in the shower now, though. Let me know if anything changes”

28^th August at 8.49am

My email to my son

“The over €6 million a year that the HSE pay Gheel from tax payers money pays for it then, not Gheel, it does not mean that they can do what they like re meds etc to make you compliant to how they want you to be. I will send those two the same email I sent last night. Them knowing the advocate is involved will make them back off. I'll get those emails done now”

28^th August at 9.10am

My email to the Advocate

“Dear N, I hope this finds you well. My son is in need of some advocacy help outside of Gheel Autism Services and I hoped that you could be this person as you helped him get accommodation. He has given me consent to send you the two emails he sent me yesterday. If you need to speak to him directly his telephone number is **********”

28^th August at 9.35am

Email from Infoline1@hse.ie

“Good Morning Anne, Thanks for your email. Gheel Services receive funding from the HSE. If you wish make a complaint through the HSE re Gheel Services, please email HSE Consumer Services yoursay@hse.ie If you wish I can forward on the email to HSE Consumer Affairs on your behalf. Regards”

28^th August at 9.41am

My email reply to infoline1@hse.ie

“Hi, Many thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I have made numerous complaints about Gheel Autism Services to no avail. However I would like my original email sent last night forwarded to Geraldine Murphy and Sheila Marshal both situated in Dublin 5 and Tony O'Brien CEO too if you could. Have a lovely weekend”

28^th August at 9.56am

Reply email from the Advoacte

“Dear Anne, These are serious issues raised in your email.  Rest assured I am looking at how to proceed most effectively. Can you give me eldests date of birth ? Take care and hope things are otherwise o.k. with you. Best regards”

I forwarded the advocates email to my son

28^th August at 10.01am

Email reply from my son

“Great news. Tell him anything and everything. Same applies to anyone else you think who might be able to help. Stop asking for my consent. I said I wanted to see Peter and Darragh Byrne in handcuffs over this but Garda K said it wasn't a legal matter but one of medical malpractice, which I'd have thought only applies to Doctors. If all I can get is a HSE investigation of Gheel then I'll be happy with that”

28^th August at 10:10am

My reply to my son

“Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen, they are slippery as eels. The advocate will have to contact Gheel so expect a few calls and texts from them now in self protection mode. A lot of people now know. Had reply from HSE asking if I wanted last nights email sent to their Consumer affairs, I said I want it sent to Geraldine Murphy Disability Manager, Sheila Marshall and Tony O'Brien CEO of HSE. Just a thought before I write to the doctor, if I send the above people your original email then they will by law have to send it to Gheel for their right to reply, it's the law”

28^th August at 10.16am

Email from my son

“The original email focuses on the withdrawal they put me through but I want it made clear, again and again that this was a 'symptom of the disease/problem' with Gheel. They've tried several times via text to say how they're sorry that this happened and wouldn't intentionally hurt me and it won't happen again. All language that fits with my point about this being a relationship between a junkie and his dealer. I want the junkie/dealer point to be the centre of my complaint. I want the fact that they are exerting authority they don't have to be the centre of my complaint. Don't let them reframe this as a one-off mistake (as it happened before on the 30th of October last year, with Darragh making the decision rather than Peter Byrne”

28^th August at 10.28am

My email to my son

“I think if the advocate said your "email raised some serious issues" then he will definitely get it all dealt with and he won't rest till he does. But it won't all be sorted in one day, Friday's are dreadful to get hold of anyone. Have you enough meds to keep you going till Monday?

28^th August at 10.53am

Email from my son

“Spoke to the advocate on the phone and he asked for my address, said he'd draft a consent form for me and make a complaint on my behalf about abuse of a vulnerable person. TSB keep sending me messages about fucking contactless cards. I need to use an ATM to activate them but I never carry cash when I go out. I haven't in over a year. I don't go to the shops, I get Tesco deliveries to my door and have to time my meds so that I'm sedated at the time of the delivery”

28^th August at 10.55am

Email from my son

“I've taken all of the Lyrica that was dropped of yesterday this morning. I can feel it kicking in now (takes three hours.) They withheld one day of my prescription and said they'd drop it off today (barry wrote this on the brown envelope he left me with.) I have 2x2mg clonazepam and should be getting another 2x2mg today. I'll be getting more on Monday”

28^th August at 11.03am

Email from my son
“Email from advocate just now:

“Thanks. As discussed I will be preparing a formal complaint to the HSE given the contents of our telephone conversation this morning. All the best”

28^th August at 10:58am

My reply to my son

“I knew he would be the right person to get things done. I am working tonight and I am working all day tomorrow, I don't get back till around 7pm but if you want anything just send me a text. I'm working on the doctors email now”

28^th August at 11.10am

Email from my son

“Email from Kate, my Key Worker, who I despise and have no plans to reply to: “Hey, I am kind of confused, I opened an email this morning to an email from your Mum. I don't have any clue what's going on. Do you want to catch me up? Cause now I am based up in ********** in a different part of Gheel, not in Fairview anymore. So I am completely out of the loop. You Ok? Kate”

28^th August at 11:16am

My reply to my son

“They will all be jumping thru hoops now as a lot of people outside of Gheel now know what they are doing with your meds. She cannot be your key worker any more if she has been transferred elsewhere. Just had a thought, Peter Byrne will do a round up of his troops re my email to him last night, if Darragh Byrne threatens to enter your place because you will not engage with him, get straight on your phone to the advocate or text Darragh that he "can contact the advocate who is now working on your behalf" The only reason they can enter your place is if there is an emergency, they need your permission at all times outside of this”

28^th August at 11.19am

Email from my son

“I can bolt the latch on the door”

28^th August at 11.24am

Email from my son

“I should mention that advocate insisted that Jeel (how he pronounced Gheel) were probably looking out for my health while I insisted they were playing mind games about control. No-one will believe me on that but he suddenly changed his tune at the end of the phone call and said he'd make a complaint and get involved. You could tell there really sudden change in his tone of voice. I don't understand that since he didn't believe me at first. Was he just deciding to do his job?”

28^th August at 11.33am

Email from my son

“If anyone breaks into my home I have the right to restrain them until they're arrested for trespassing. I'm not pushing for violence. I can't even leave the house so it's not like I'm looking for a fight, but I have the right to defend myself. They may get aggressive, as I think they're obviously in panic stations over the fact that there might be consequences for their abuse of power (as a result of me going outside Gheel”

28^th August at 11:33am

My reply email to my son

“The advocate is a consummate professional. He is very thorough and listens to both sides before he will make any comment or judgement. He does this work all the time so he knows the shenanigans that go on and you are now his client so his loyalty will be with you but he has to contact Gheel and get their version of events which you will know by now they are highly trained in (do and say anything to protect themselves) Advocate is a straight talker, does not deal in any sentiment, only facts and if he decides that Gheel are doing the right thing for you (when they clearly are not) then he will tell you so BUT he will still work for you, not for them, he will have to put your complaint to them in writing and they will stall him but he will get answers and if you are not happy with that then he will keep going till he gets them or gets changes from them re your meds and anything else”

28^th August at 11.37am

Email from my son

“He said since his organisation doesn't have an outreach branch he can't just come to my home to get me to sign the consent form, it's not like I can go out to meet him like he asked me to, as he says he's based in the city centre. He said he'd work something out for me”

I sent my son a draft of the email I want to send to our GP over his failure to help my son. My son replied “that's fine”

Email I sent to my GP at 12.36pm

Dear Dr ****, my son contacted me yesterday about his appointment with you so that someone outside of Gheel Autism Services would know what is going on with him and he feels utterly let down by you.

Peter Byrne the CEO of Gheel Autism Services does not have any medical qualification, he is not a doctor, he is not a psychologist and he is not a psychiatrist. He has nothing to do with my son's medical needs at all, you however do, as you are his GP and have been since 2009.

The reason my son went to you is and I quote

“I went to my GP is because he's a figure of authority but just he wasn't interested and said it was between me and Peter Byrne/Darragh Byrne,here's what I had written down for Dr, he wouldn't even look at my phone” (Edited to cut out long email from my son's original email about going to the GP)

As you are his GP and he is your patient, no outside agency can decide when and if he gets what he medically needs, he is an adult, he has high functioning Autism, not brain damage and it is illegal for an “Agency” to be pulling stunts like this and the Garda have been informed by me and they contacted Gheel last night. My son now has an advocate outside of Gheel who is putting a formal complaint about the Autism Agency support staff's abuse of power to ensure this never happens again. Gheel are, in my view, using my son's medication as a way of manipulating him because he has told them he wants nothing more to do with them. Please ensure that you treat my son the same way you treat every other patient, Gheel care support workers are not your patient and as my son stated above he has only ever seen Professor Fitzgerald twice in his life. Yours sincerely”

28^th August at 12:41pm

My Email to my son

“That's been sent to the Dr, he will probably ring me. Sent a text to Gheel outreach number asking for your meds to be dropped off”

28^th August at 12.42

Email from my son

“I hope you're right”

28^th August at 13.09pm

Email from my son

“Not contacting them at all. I want nothing to do with them. If they want to withhold my meds again then that's on them”

28^th August at 13.18pm

Email from my son

“Advocate has sent a report to the National Director for Social Care at the Health Services Executive. It's somewhat detailed and pretty good (he sent me a copy”

28^th August at 13.21pm

Email from my son

“Barry left a large brown envelope outside my door with

'Hi, Fri/Sat/Sun inside. Mondays arrives tomorrow, will drop them up then. Barry.' There's no sign of meds today. He left them outside around 11:15am. The night shift ends around 10:30am and all the day shift staff come in at that time. They're obviously in a meeting planning something regarding this last day of meds they're withholding”

28^th August at 1:18pm

My email to my son

“I am a bit confused now. Did they not deliver them on Thursday, today is Friday. I need to be clear as I am letting the advocate know”

28^th August at 1.22pm

My email to my son

“So they owe you one day of meds only”

28^th August at 1.24pm

Email from my son

“Yes. I don't know why they withheld it but, I know I'm probably going to sound paranoid here, but I think they plan to have Darragh or someone drop it off and demand to meet me in person to discuss this”

My email reply to my son

“You are within your rights to politely decline any such meetings. You can let them know that from now on they can liaise with N who is your Advocacy Officer. As long as you tell them something they will leave you in peace. When you just withdraw, especially now after the emails that have been sent then they will want to know about your well being for "their records"

28^th August at 1.25pm

My email to my son

“I wont email the advocate then if you have now received them and will be given Mondays tomorrow (Saturday)”

28^th August at 1.27pm

Email from my son

“What the fuck are you talking about? I got that envelope yesterday. It said I'm supposed to get the Monday dose TODAY and I've heard nothing from Gheel”

My email reply to my son

“Sorry, I told you I was confused. I'll email the advocate now”

28^th August

Forwarded email from my eldest that he received from the Advocate:

Subject Line- FW: Report of concern regarding vulnerable person and the relationship between him as a service user and the service provide

From: Advocate
Sent: 28 August 2015 13:10To: Social CareSubject: Report of concern regarding vulnerable person and the relationship between him as a service user and the service providerImportance: High

“Dear Sir / Madam, Ours is a service offering support in the areas of homelessness, housing, social welfare and related matters. Mr. X, an adult young gentleman with Autism made contact with our service this morning initially through his mother and then spoke to me directly when I telephoned him  on the mobile number given by his mother for him. In brief I understand from him and his mother that X is a 23 year old gentleman with diagnosed Autism. He is also agoraphobic and is engaged with a medication regime for both issues under the care of a Professor Fitzgerald. He lives independently in his own flat and is supported in that, including financial support of his home through Gheel Autism. The accommodation (for clarity as regards the enclosed statement) was not sourced by our service but through Gheel Autism when the relationship between X and his mother broke down some years ago and she insisted that he leave the family home). Of late he reports serious difficulties he has been having as regards the management of and independent action as regards his medication regime. He specifically alleges that Gheel, with the involvement of the Chief Executive have gone beyond their authority as regards making decisions relating to his medication and withholding it from him unless he complies with their requests. I enclose the detailed statement he has provided via his mother, which he repeated in a summarised form to me on the telephone when I called him this morning. He is aware that I am making this report and has asked for the intervention of the HSE in his case. His mother may have already made contact in this regard. My understanding of what X says is that he has lost faith in being able to negotiate and resolve the matters he raises with Gheel without external oversight from the relevant statutory body or bodies. He feels he has to comply with their requests to access his medication and is very uncomfortable with the balance of the relationship. Based solely on the written material and information provided to me on the telephone by X I am concerned that there is potentially at the least a dysfunctional and inappropriate profile to the relationship between X and Gheel. Obviously I may not be in full possession of the facts and I make no assertion or allegations independently. X's statement speaks for itself. However given the national protocols I hereby wish to report this matter pursuant to the National Policies and Procedures for the Safeguarding of Vulnerable Persons At Risk of Abuse and on foot of the telephone conversation and advice I was given by your colleague Mr. A. G. when I called the number given to me by the HSE National Information Line this morning. I understand from Mr. G this email address (socialcare@hse.ie) is the appropriate reporting route. I further understand from him that it is checked on a timely and regular basis by the PA to the National Director of Social Care Mr. Pat Healy and that the matter will be referred for investigation to the appropriate unit of the HSE. X’s details are: Finally, thank you for your prompt attention in this matter. Please do no hesitate to contact me in the event of any query.  X is I understand from him anxious to hear from the HSE as regards his difficulties. I have copied on our own nominated officer for child and vulnerable adult protection on this email and also my line manager. Please acknowledge receipt of this email. Best regards”

28^th August at 1.37pm

My Email to Advocate

“Hi, Sorry to be writing to you again but my son was expecting a delivery of meds for next week today, as written to him by Barry from Gheel but there is no sign of them so far. I am worried about him as he wrote me "Not contacting them at all. I want nothing to do with them. If they want to withhold my meds again then that's on them" If he does not get his meds it will have a massive impact on his medical health and his mindset as he is petrified of withdrawal as he had a hard time with this back in 2009. I cannot contact Gheel myself as to my prior experience with them. It is 2 years today since my son left this house and his first contact to me since then was yesterday so I am loathe to fail him as it must have taken a lot for him to contact me after all this time. I am also working two jobs and am working this afternoon so cannot go to the GP to get him any meds. That is Gheels job tho”

28^th August at 1.58pm Reply

Email from Advocate to me

“Dear Anne, I have been in direct contact with X and he is aware that I have started a process (he has all the copies). I have also spoken to him and he appears to be able to interact with them at least on an ‘emergency’ basis. It appears that he can contact them to arrange this and appears able to do so. Best regards”

Text from my son at 6.08pm

“No meds from Gheel today. They said Monday's dose of meds would “arrive tomorrow” on that envelope yesterday. The pharmacy closes at 7pm on Saturday's. Safe to say they're withholding it as punishment for me getting outside help?”

Text from my son at 6.46pm

“I suppose you could try involving Garda K again to demand to know why they've withheld my prescription again, but my eyes are dropping and I feel exhausted”

28^th August at 7.10pm

My email reply to my son

“I'm just in. I'll send Gheel an email about it including that photo you took of Barry's package. Not had any reply from anyone else so far”

28^th August at 7.12pm

Email from my son

“Last word I had from advocate was him telling me to contact them, while acknowledging that I was "reluctant." Don't like him very much. Him telling me to contact Gheel, I mean”

28^th August at 7.14pm

My email to my son

“He is a bit sharp but he is brilliant at his job. I've got that Barry's email addy so I'm sending the email straight to him”

28^th August at 7.17pm
29^th August at 8:54 pm

Email from my son

“Wrote it down in my diary:

'Hi, Fri/Sat/Sun inside. Mondays arrives tomorrow, will drop them up then. Barry.'

28^th August at 7.27

Email from my son

“Don't think you'll get a response if you didn't get one from Peter Byrne, Darragh Byrne or Kate. They decided to close ranks when this happened because they know they're all implicated”

28^th August at 7.33pm

My Email to my son

“Well luckily you have the advocate now fighting your corner. I reckon they must all have been called into a meeting for their version of events which I know they will deny so they will do nothing without a superior giving the go ahead. I know for certain that the email report the advocate sent off will have had someone on the phone to Gheel plus all the people I emailed. There is nought you can do till the advocate is back at work on Monday but if you need me to go to D Doc on Sunday then I will but I always had terrible trouble in the past doing that but I can take along the advocates letter outlining what is going on. I think they will deliver them to you on Monday as that is when they are due, they are just idiots telling you they would be dropped up today”

28^th August at 7.35pm

Email from my son

“It's just another power-play. Despicable people”

28^th August at 7:23

My Email to Barry from Gheel who said he would drop off my son's meds

“Dear Barry, You delivered eldests meds yesterday and wrote

"Hi X, Frid/Sat/Sun inside. Monday's arrive tomorrow, will drop up then. Barry”

My son took a photo of this so I have attached it to this email. As you are aware, if he has been told these meds were arriving today and they haven't been then his anxiety is heightened greatly which is massive with his condition. Can you please inform him by text or email if the late shift staff will be delivering them on the day you said they would be "dropped up" or have Gheel decided they are with holding them for whatever reason. Yours sincerely”

28^th August at 7.49pm

My email to my son

“We can't really contact the Garda about it on a Friday, it's their worse day on the beat. The way that Barry worded it could also read as he meant Monday and that is what you told Garda K, that you wanted them delivered only on a Monday”

28^th August at 9.52pm

Reply email from Barry from Gheel

“Hi Anne, Many thanks for email, will do so now. Barry”

28^th August at 9.56pm

Forwarded message from my son that he received from Barry from Gheel

“Hi, Monday's meds will be dropped up on Monday - my understanding yesterday was next week's were due in today but we won't get them until Monday now. Barry”

28^th August at 10.01pm

My email to my son

“As long as you have enough till Monday. I have to get to bed now as I'm up at 6am. I'll only have about 15 mins to check my emails tomorrow morning and I will be back around 7pm if I'm lucky as there are three big marches in town tomorrow. I will have my phone with me tho”

My email to my son

“Any word out of Gheel to you today?”

29^th August at 8.56pm

Email from my son

“Nope. None yesterday until you pressed Barry for info so why would they bother today? Wait a sec, just had an email from Darragh while writing this reply. Will read it now”

My son sent me the email he got from Darragh Byrne from Gheel.

“Hi, I just wanted to follow up with you regarding your medication and your desire to have more control over your medication. For the last 2 years, Professor Fitzgerald has been prescribing the medication and we have been taking the prescriptions to your Dr. to have the prescription placed onto the GMS forms (we do this because you have a medical card and the meds are free if we obtain these forms). We then send the forms to “chemist” and they supply the medication to us in the pouches which we have been dropping down to you at the times which you requested (twice per week) which was agreed by our clinical team (which includes Professor Fitzgerald amongst others). You are now requesting that the medication be dropped to you once per week only and I have passed on this request to our clinical team as I am obliged to do. Given the types and dosages of medication and the fact that you are not taking them as prescribed (taking more than the prescribed dose at certain times), our clinical team have decided not to sanction the change to one drop per week. You are correct in saying that the medication is yours but as it stands it is prescribed by a member of the Gheel Clinical Team so they have a say in how often it is dropped down to you. Another option would be for you not to have your medication prescribed by Professor Fitzgerald and have it prescribed by your GP instead. Dr. **** is not a member of the Gheel Clinical Team and as such, the clinical team would have no say over how much you would be permitted to have at one time. The arrangement would be between yourself and Dr. **** exclusively and Gheel would not be involved in any way. Gheel would not even store the medication. The Outreach Team would facilitate you getting to and from Dr. ****'s clinic as often as required (as always). The Gheel Clinical Team have not yet spoken to Dr. **** to see if he would be open to this arrangement but does this sound like something you would be open to? Darragh”

29^th August at 8.59pm

My email to my son

“What do you make of that email”

29^th August at 9pm

Email from my son

“Trying to send a text but it isn't going through so I'll copy and paste it here:

“He's a fucking lying scumbag. Richard from the Outreach team was at my appointment when Dr **** said he couldn't overrule professor Fitzgerald. I am completely helpless and they all know it”

29^th August at 9.07pm

My email to my son

“You are not helpless as the advocate in his report has requested an independent external person for a vulnerable person to be brought onboard for you. Darragh Byrne has written that email so he has something to hand over to the advocate and any other professional who are now looking into your complaint. The advocate has your words of what actually happened at the Dr which he based his report on so Darragh Byrne is covering his ass but he is a fool because they have previously known you take extra meds to get you out to those gigs so they cannot claim they are merely protecting your health now. I need to re read the advocates report about that other advocate he is talking about”

29^th August at 9.10pm

Email from my son

“I honestly assumed that lost dose of meds were being withheld so they could change over to once a week drop offs but it's all about control with Gheel.

29^th August at 9.17pm

My email to my son

“our clinical team have decided not to sanction the change to one drop per week"

They have basically refused to allow you to have them once per week but they have known all along that you take extra when you need them. Darragh Byrne has a massive cheek as he sat in this house and did shag all for you when you took that last overdose so I don't see how he's worried about you now. For the moment you will have to accept the twice a week drop off's until the advocate gets a full report from them but they do have a lot to answer for. They also know you have agoraphobia so it's a piss take to inform you that they will take you to the Dr when he refused to do anything to help you at your last appointment”

29^th August at 9:22 pm

My email to my son

“You also need to inform the advocate that when you refuse to engage with them as in open the door to them that they tell you they will just use the key they hold to enter your abode as that is an abuse of power. I forgot to tell him as it wasn't in your email”

29^th August at 9.24pm

Email from my son

“I don't like him. I'm not informing him of anything. Nothing will change with Gheel regardless of his involvement. If I hang myself from the railings outside my flat tomorrow night then someone from the Outreach team will find my corpse in the morning. That's the only way I can get back at them over what they're doing to me”

29^th August at 9.28pm

My Email to my son

“You don't need to like the advocate, he is a professional who is working for you and he was quick of the mark getting that letter sent of in just a couple of hours, he has hundreds of clients. You don't want to be getting back at them, they are only workers who are not doing what they get paid for, they would not give a monkeys, you would just be yet another HSE statistic”

30^th August at 9.17am

My email to my son

“Tell me exactly what it is you want if you do not want to have Gheel as your support any more. Writing about hanging yourself to get back at them will only make the professionals claim they are only concerned about your risk and threats of suicide. No one will take you seriously re your genuine complaint about Gheels control and manipulation over you if you don't stay calm and logical. Even writing this to you has me on edge re your reaction to my words but it appears that nothing has changed for you except your residence so what it is you want. I found this, I don't know if it will be helpful. http://www.aspergerexperts.com, They are two young men who claim they changed their lives and want to help change others as they were both in your situation”

30^th August at 9.19am

Email from my son

“I don't care any more. I have no way out”

30^th August at 9.22am

My email to X

“Give it a couple of hours and see if you can think better then. You are in a bad place at the moment but that can change”

Text from my son at 9.36am

“ some text missing* ely helpless and they all know it”

My reply text sent to my son at 10.37am

“Text missing so did not get message cept helpless. You are not helpless at all. You're just down very dark hole because of what is happening with Gheel. I told you it can change but you need to state what it is you want to happen”

My Text to my son at 10.48am,

“If you don't want to live under Gheels care, just let me know and I'll sort it”

No Reply from my son

31^st August

9.12am I received a forwarded email from my son that he sent to the Advocate:

“I have been awake since around 7:00am yesterday morning. The withdrawal came a day sooner than I expected but I was awake well past midnight the night before, which is usually a sign that the withdrawal has kicked in (then my skin starts feeling like leather, as though I'm wearing someone else's skin.) As I've already told you, Barry of the Gheel Residential Outreach team left a brown envelope outside my front door on the 27th; written on the envelope was a message telling me that it only contained 3 days worth of my prescription (out of the 4 days I get on Thursdays) and that the last dose would be dropped off the next day. I still have this envelope on my desk.

I had an email from Barry on the 28th. He sent it at 9:56pm. He only sent it after being angrily prompted by my mother:

Hi, Monday's meds will be dropped up on Monday - my understanding yesterday was next week's were due in today from Abbey Healthcare today but we won't get them until Monday now.

After I went to my GP looking for help on the 17th, Darragh messaged me saying that he'd gotten an extra prescription from Professor Fitzgerald that I could take whenever I needed it. He obviously panicked and didn't expect me to go outside Gheel looking for help. Richard from the Outreach Team was in Doctor **** office with me, as I'd hoped the doctor could get Peter Byrne's phone number from him and tell him never to interfere with my medication again. I've already said I did not want this 'extra' prescription Darragh dangled in front of me but if there really was a problem at the pharmacy then Gheel could easily have picked it up from the pharmacy that they used to go to and drop off what little I needed.

I received this email from Darragh on the 29th at 8:55pm. It has a few holes in it.

Hi , I just wanted to follow up with you regarding your medication and your desire to have more control over your medication. For the last 2 years, Professor Fitzgerald has been prescribing the medication and we have been taking the prescriptions to Dr. X to have the prescription placed onto the GMS forms ( we do this because you have a medical card and the meds are free if we obtain these forms). We then send the forms to Abbey Healthcare and they supply the medication to us in the pouches which we have been dropping down to you at the times which you requested (twice per week) which was agreed by our clinical team (which includes Professor Fitzgerald amongst others). You are now requesting that the medication be dropped to you once per week only and I have passed on this request to our clinical team as I am obliged to do. Given the types and dosages of medication and the fact that you are not taking them as prescribed (taking more than the prescribed dose at certain times), our clinical team have decided not to sanction the change to one drop per week. You are correct in saying that the medication is yours but as it stands it is prescribed by a member of the Gheel Clinical Team so they have a say in how often it is dropped down to you. Another option would be for you not to have your medication prescribed by Professor Fitzgerald and have it prescribed by your GP, Dr. X instead. Dr. X is not a member of the Gheel Clinical Team and as such, the clinical team would have no say over how much you would be permitted to have at one time. The arrangement would be between yourself and Dr. X exclusively and Gheel would not be involved in any way. Gheel would not even store the medication. The Outreach Team would facilitate you getting to and from Dr. X's clinic as often as required (as always). The Gheel Clinical Team have not yet spoken to Dr. to see if he would be open to this arrangement but does this sound like something you would be open to?

After reading this I forwarded it straight to mum and I pointed out one of the holes in it to her. I'll point out the rest below, and it might seem complex as I mention exact dates in my diary, but I want to make the point that she made: this email was not written with me in mind. Mum's exact words:

Darragh Byrne has written that email so he has something to hand over to “the advocate” and any other professional who are now looking into your complaint. N has your words of what actually happened at Dr X's which he based his report on so Darragh Byrne is covering his ass but he is a fool because they have previously known you take extra meds to get you out to those gigs so they cannot claim they are merely protecting your health now. 

Take a look at the part of Darraghs email that I highlighted in bold for just a second. For the best part of two years I have had my prescription of clonazepam dropped off twice per week. It is only recently that Gheel switched chemists who distribute medication in small plastic packets/pouches with instructions written on them. Mine say to take two clonazepam per day, but if I did that they'd be completely ineffective as I've been desensitised to benzodiazepines after being on-and-off them ever since my exams in 2007. I would also go into immediate benzo withdrawal like I did in 2009 when stopping 3mg daily xanax (cold turkey) after 9 months of straight use, whereas at the moment the withdrawal takes a few days to kick in. I only lasted 5 days on the Xanax before Dr suggested I be sectioned for refusing to taper off slowly.

I have countless emails and texts from the past two years between myself and Darragh as well as myself and Kate (my key worker at Gheel) proving they were well aware what doses I was taking and that I was only taking them twice weekly unless I needed to take them more than twice a week (several dentist visits, two doctor's appointments and a total of 7 concerts as of the 12th, to name a few reason.)

Here are the other holes in his email:

1. Richard, an Outreach Team member, was in Dr **** office during my appointment and heard him say very clearly that he could not/would not overrule a specialist after I told him I wanted to get my prescriptions directly through him from then on and not have to deal with Professor Fitzgerald (I'd written all of this down but Dr said he was busy and told me to read aloud what I'd written.) Darragh is well aware I can't just go to my GP, and if you think I'm being paranoid about that take a look at hole #2:
2. I didn't meet Dr **** until the summer of 2013. I've already said above that I was being prescribed 3mg (extended release) Xanax daily through most of 2009. Dr **** prescribed this after my mum requested the prescription for me during an appointment of her own. I've told both Darragh and Kate about this at least once before. If Darragh was serious about changing me back over to my GP he could have easily asked Professor Fitzgerald to cancel my prescription and then asked Dr **** to continue filling out the 'GMS forms', i.e. to continue my prescription by himself without Fitzgerald's involvement. It could not have taken more than an afternoon of making a few phone calls on Darraghs part to make this change-over.
3. I have a bench and weights set I got on gumtree a few years ago here in my living room. I haven't used it since early this year, but when I do lift weights I take a caffeine pill as a pre-workout. Unlike benzos I'm extremely sensitive to stimulants. On the 20th of February I asked Darragh and Kate for my dosing schedule to be changed to Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to reflect the days I lifted on so I could have something to help me come down from the caffeine. They had zero problem in switching to these days. No 'clinical team' was involved as far as I'm aware (the above email is the first time they've ever mentioned that they even had one.) I stopped lifting not long after the change and on the 20th of May I mentioned to Richard, who was dropping my meds off that day, that I wanted to be switched back to Mondays and Thursdays (on the 8th of May I'd accidentally been moved to once a week, and then Mondays and Wednesdays, by Paul as a result of the switch to “another chemist”.) Richard offered to update the Outreach roster to reflect the change I wanted, which I didn't know he could do. I told Richard all of this at 4:05pm (I log the exact time they knock on my door and what they drop off and have done since I moved in 2 years ago.) Richard called me at 4:21pm confirming I'd be getting my meds on Mondays and Thursdays starting the next week but for that week I'd get my next dose of meds on Friday as usual. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it would be rather difficult to arrange a 'clinical team' meeting within just 16 minutes considering Professor Fitzgerald only comes in to Gheel's offices once per month.

As I said at the start of the email, I have been awake since yesterday due to withdrawal. This is the second time Gheel have forced me into withdrawal this month. The first time they withheld my last dose of the week was after I threatened to take what little I had left and call the Guards before the concert on the 12th. The second time (now) comes after Garda K from called Darragh on the 27th to tell him something I'd already told Barry on the 24th: that I wanted some control over my prescription in the form of having access to the entire week's worth and rationing it by myself.

If you want to, you can count the dose I ignored them over until I'd been awake for three days before finally asking for it on the 22nd; but if you cannot see what they're doing to me and why then you aren't paying attention. They are bullying me into not seeking help outside of Gheel. You're probably going to suggest that since they're a registered charity they aren't capable of that kind of behaviour but you shouldn't forget that it's still a company made up of people who have demonstrated (I feel) that they're more than capable of being as petty and spiteful as anyone else, particularly when threatened with the law.

Peter Byrne and Darragh Byrne have a history of exercising authority over that they don't actually have, which Garda K called 'medical mispractice' (something I was under the impression only applied to medical professionals. Neither Darragh nor his father Peter are doctors. They work for a charity funded by the HSE”

Text from my son at 8.19am

“Had a reply from the advocate completely dismissing all of the points I made. Forwarded it to you”

From the advocate Date: Mon, Aug 31, 2015 at 9:17am
“Dear X, It appears from the earlier email that your med's are to be dropped over today (it appears they will arrive there today from “the chemist”).  From what you sent me it does not look like the medication was physically present at Gheel. At any time if you are feeling unwell and concerned I would strongly recommend that you call an ambulance should you be worried about falling ill and needing medical attention. As you will have seen from my emails on Friday the matter of your relationship with Gheel is now with the National Director for Social Care of people with Disabilities. Her email is shown there I think when I sent on the response I got from HSE.  The basic dispute about how Gheel provide your medication and whether or not that is in accordance with the prescription and medication regime determined with Professor Fitzgerald will no doubt be looked into.  If you do not hear from the HSE today you could contact her to ask about the progression of your complaint. Let me know what happens. You have records there so you could forward this material on to the HSE so that they are fully informed. Best regards”

31^st August at 9:32am

My email to my son

“It does not read to me that he is dismissing you. As I told you he has hundreds of clients. He probably did not have the time to go through each point you made as Cross care is a drop in centre in the middle of town where people queue up and sleep outside of to get help. I pass that building and see them when I am working in town. In my view he was very proactive in getting that letter sent of as quick as he did because I know how busy he must be. He will need to wait to get a reply from the people he sent it to and that will not happen until they have investigated Gheel and he cannot go any further with it until he has your consent letter which will probably arrive tomorrow. I am working in town on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday so I could pick it up from you on Wednesday”

31^st August at 9:40am

My email to my son

“The advocates job is to hear your complaint and get it of to the relevant bodies whose job it is to investigate, so he has done a good thing for you. With HSE prof's, everything takes time so all I can say is to have a bit of patience and the advocate is right if you feel ill at all re no meds then D Doc will be your first port of call. I can go with you if you don't want to go alone. I have to ask you again, do you have text proof of Darragh Byrne telling you that he thinks you should "have a break" from meds?”

31^st August at 9.43

Reply Email from my son

“They switched to a new number a while after this called the Residential Outreach number, this was when they split into two teams, the other being the Transition team. Relevant diary entry from 2014: 30th of October: Text Gheel Outreach number at 1:05pm asking if I can skip Monday's dose of meds and have them dropped off today, reply at 1:08pm asking if Paul hadn't already dropped meds off this morning so I explain that I've already taken them and want Monday's dose today so I can use them tomorrow morning to go out on my bike; Fiona responds via outreach number saying she'll have to check with Darragh if it's okay and I angrily tell her to just forget it because Kate has always been fine with it. Text from Fiona at 3:01pm saying she'd talked to Darragh and he said I'll have to wait until my next dose, I reply saying Gheel are a fucking joke as it's my prescription and I shouldn't have to be begging for it”

31^st August at 9:47am

My Email to my son

“Good that you have record of it. Advocate says that a woman from the HSE he sent letter to may contact you today so you will have to take that call and stay as calm and precise  and logical as you can be. Stick to the facts as she will be making notes”

31^st August at 9.50am

Email reply from my son

“I'm not going to be able to answer things on the spot very well. Especially not while going through withdrawal. I'd prefer it if I had an email address I could forward the email I sent to advocate this morning”

Text from my son at 8.48am

“Yes I have the text. But it doesn't reflect well on me. I'd had the meds dropped off early plenty of times before so I snapped at the new girl when I should have gone after Darragh”

My text to my son at 9.50am

“It does not matter that you snapped. They are trained for that. The point is you were told to take a break from someone who is not a doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist, that is malpractice”

Text from my son at 10.27am

“Tim just texted me from the Outreach number asking if I'm free for my meds to be dropped off. I'm going to confront him about the withdrawal”

My text to my son at 10.28am

“I wouldn't confront him. He's just making a delivery. Turn your anger into energy and save it for now”

Text from my son at 11.01am

“Tim dropped meds off just now. Had to speak to him through gritted teeth. He explained that the Lyrica is now fixed and the Xanax is gone”

My text to my son at 11.02am

“Good for you that you did not shoot the delivery man. Did you also get the other meds you need. I cannot spell them”

31^st August 11.10am- Text from my son

“Clonazepam. The benzo. Everything's here. 4 days worth. Should probably wait a few hours or risk fucking up my sleep pattern but I cant stand feeling like this”

31^st August 11.12am- MY text to my son

“Take your normal dose and go to sleep for one hour, set your alarm to wake you up. Even an hours sleep could help”

31^st August Text from my son at 12.37pm

“Clonazepam euphoria is always followed by depression. Not so with Lyrica, which I can't waste today. I'm going back to bed”

31^st August at 1.21pm- My email to my son

“I doubt Dr **** will agree to any new meds especially Tramadol because even tho you say they work well for anxiety, they are a pain medication and you would have to be in agony to be prescribed these. I do not dislike the man, I just think and have told him to his face and by email that he is one lazy bloody doctor. It is an awful way to live tho as you have described it and I wish to god one expert could sort this for you. As far as I can tell, the advocate said the HSE would contact you directly today, Tim nor Gheel would have any impact on that, all questions or calls or emails from the HSE to Gheel will go thru their higher up's in their head office in Kildare. You have every right to say what's on your mind to anyone let alone Gheel support staff. But never forget all you say and all you do could be misconstrued and put in a report in their premises and I can tell you now they are all liars from the HSE down. I have my own experience with them and falsification of records. But they don't mind as long as they are getting funding. Did Gheel or the Professor ever do a complete profile with you, can't remember the right name for it, like the one youngest had to get his diagnosis because they should have done, your meds could then be updated accordingly if you are only feeling good 2 days out of 7, I know help is out there somewhere, it's the finding it. A good place to start is that link I sent you because the only people who know how you feel are the people who experience the same thing”

31^st August at 1.33pm- Email from my son

“There was never any 'profile', as far as I know. They gave me this Person Centred Planning form that Paul helped me fill out in 2013. It was almost entirely a description of myself with some bits tacked on about what kind of treatment I wanted and he said that it was so other staff could get a good idea of what I was like just by reading the form first”

31^st August at 1.37pm- My email to my son

“If you think it's worth making an appointment with Dr **** outlining all this then you have every right to go along and explain it to him, he may well refuse, or he may tell you to go to the Professor first or attend the Mental Health Community Centre and see a psychiatrist as he told me to do so with you previously BUT I had to educate him that having Aspergers is nothing to do with mental health”

31^st August at 7.20pm - My email to my son “I'm back now. Any news your end”

31^st August at 7.21pm – From my son “No HSE phone call today”

31^st August at 7.26pm - My email to my son “Hopefully you'll hear something tomorrow. Did you ever receive a copy of the person centred plan because you should have done”

31^st August at 7.42pm- My email to my son

“There will also be a detailed support plan which is what they need to present to the HSE for funding, by memory I think they get around €10,000 or €20,000 a month per client housed by them. It's a complete farce. The email Darragh Byrne sent you has been playing on my mind re meds, making out bothered about your health. From my records he said this to you about alcohol "If that was a positive experience for you, if you liked it, your 21 that is the sort of shit 21 year old do, go out, get vodka, get breakfast, have a beer, have Baileys, that is the sort of shit you are entitled to do, you are old enough, it's your life"

31^st August at 7.46pm- Email from my son

“Rent at this flat is €1,000 per month because it's so close to the entrance to the city centre. Even including bills there's no way it comes to over €10k. I don't really drink any more but alcohol isn't detrimental to my health so I don't really so how that quote matters”

31^st August at 8.01pm - Email to my son

“It matters because he stated "It's your life" so you are in control, not them”

1^st September text from my son at 10.35am

“Just checked upstairs for mail and still no letter”

1^st September text from my son at 10.42am

“Tesco delivery tomorrow morning so I'm going to take all of my Lyrica for it. That means I'll be able to leave the house for around 5 hours after it kicks in. Hopefully it will arrive in the morning”

I tried to ring the Advocate but he was in a meeting. He rang me at 5.04pm

“I don't need “son's” consent any more as the complaint has gone high up the chain to the Director of Social Care so has to be investigated. He feel there should be an intermediary, independent of Gheel so “son” has someone to report to, to change the status quo. Don't know what the outcome will be, Gheel could claim the medication situation is in “son's” best interests if abuse of medication has been an issue in the past, also fact of “son's” non-compliance with the agency so no idea what will be done but investigated it will be. That's my work done as it's gone up the chain” I thanked him for all his help.

2^nd September at 7.21 pm

My email to my son

“My first thoughts on reading this is “that's shocking” not what your doing but why you are doing it. I know you always investigate things entirely but there is always a risk with anything. A huge red flag to me is in the photo as the vials are hand written and not printed. Are you still doing this because you say that it gives you the confidence to go to the communal hallway to check for mail but in an earlier email you said you do not go out so has it stopped working or have you stopped injecting. Did no doctor or consultant in the hospital advise you about the injections or an alternative to conquer anxiety? If you were told it's not illegal and it happened in July and the hospital staff know, the Ambulance service know, the Garda know and Gheel staff know then I am pretty certain no one gives a monkey's. If Gheel were at all concerned for your health and safety re these injection they would have bloody held a meeting and got their so called top Psychologists on board so their lack of care and concern leaves the ball in their proverbial court. You are doing what you are doing to help yourself cope with life. Yes I have no doubts at all that Gheel will lie, not answer and wriggle their way out of all and any questions, like they did with all the politicians I went to to get help and supports, they would not answer one question. The fact that I had been roaring for help and supports since 2006 and got shag all makes all in implicit to what you have endured all these years. I totally blame all those professionals and also myself but the clock cannot be reversed. Your legal and human rights have been abused as you had no help and supports (although you were hardly compliant re these yourself) you've had no proper GP care at all despite numerous phone calls by myself and many other agencies, (the refuge staff and the Garda) The Disability sector did absolutely nothing which was when I lost the plot with them all. They must all hate the very sight of my name now but I now no longer fear anyone or anything and they all know it. As for Gheel perhaps raising this, well tough, just remember this: Deirdre sat in this living room and had a general conversation with me before she started youngests assessment, he was slow getting down the stairs. She asked me about my family and I told her I did not know them as we were all in the care system and scattered to the four winds but that I had a half sister who emailed me about the cancer gene that runs in my family and she wanted me to get tested for it, she also said in her email that my baby brother was on class A drugs. I thought she was talking bullshit because she had never met him and he had never met his father so god knows where she got this info from. I was just telling Deirdre this as part of the conversation and lo and behold when youngests assessment finally arrived she had written it down as fact and when I pulled her up about it she told me that people with Aspergers may take many substances to help them cope with their problems and anxiety. My reply was “you have not assessed my brother, you cannot assess my brother and what I told you in a general conversation was third hand and not proven and my brother was abused every which way by Christian brothers so will be lucky to still be bloody sane and I want that removed from youngests report” she said she would remove it but I doubt she did as they do not listen to any one and think because they have letters after their name that they are above anyone else. So remember that if Gheel try to pull that one, their own psychologist told your mother that “people with Aspergers may take many substances to help them cope with their problems and anxiety” Also remember that I have seen and spoken to almost 100 professionals and since 2007 you have been on some kind of medication or another that I had to battle for on your behalf since then and if nothing has changed in your life at all then they should all be thinking outside of the box how to get you the right kind of help for you and not try and force you into fitting into one of their boxes. That is what they get paid for. It has been 9 years now and it is a disgrace”

2^nd September at 7.53pm

Email from my son

I've tried CBT and Exposure Therapy. When Darragh first took me to the post office to get my disability he kept reassuring me in the car that I'd be fine because he could see how fucking terrified I was. Luckily I didn't have to speak to the person behind the counter, I just handed my card over and they did the work. My hands were shaking so hard I almost dropped the money. He got me a prescription of Xanax after that, which I took before every trip to the post office until I opened a bank account. Your spiteful, sarcastic email where you said "I am delighted for you if you have overcome over 7 years of agoraphobia in just 13 days. Amazing." did not help. Darragh's email to you left a hell of a lot out. One point being that he took almost six months to arrange my bins and I had so many black bags in the kitchen/living room you'd have thought I was a hoarder. When I moved in here the fridge-freezer was broken and all of my food had to be chucked out. I lived on pizza and curry chips for nearly two months and had to pop open my Lyrica capsules and snort the powder just to calm me down so I could make an phone call to make an order so I could keep myself fed. Eventually I got a new, much smaller fridge-freezer that can't hold very much”

3^rd September text from my son at 10.51am

“Checked for mail. Nothing. No contact from HSE either”

3^rd September text from ME to my son at 11.53am

“Send the advocate an email. I'm in work till 5pm. Just write heard nothing from HSE and he'll get straight onto them on your behalf”

3^rd September text from my son at 5.24pm

“ Just replied to your email and got another email from advocate a minute later. Sending it to you now”

3^rd September at 6.21pm

My email to my son

“I'm back. Did you sent an email to advocate”

3^rd Sep at 6.22pm – Email reply from my son

“Yes, got this as a response:

“Thanks. I will contact them. Are you getting your meds ?”

3^rd September at 6.25pm -

Email from my son that the advocate sent him

“Dear X, Please see email below from the HSE. Best regards”

From: loreto HOGAN [mailto:loreto.hogan@hse.ie] On Behalf Of isam DncSent: 03 September 2015 18:21To: Advocate
Subject: Report of concern regarding vulnerable person and the relationship between him as a service user and the service provider

Dear Advocate I wish to acknowledge receipt of your e-mail of 28^th August 2015 to the HSE Social Care National Division regarding Mr. X. As Mr. X is a resident of this Area, your e-mail was brought to the attention of Des O’Flynn, Area Manager for HSE Dublin North City. I would like to thank you for your e-mail and to assure you that the issues raised in your e-mail are receiving attention. Regards, Acting Area Manager

3^rd September at 6.30pm

My email to my son

“Suppose they get so many complaints from all services the HSE provide that it all takes time but I will contact the man Des Flynn if you don't hear anything by next week. Has Gheel been in contact with you this week, I thought they would have asked youngest to contact you to see what is going on with you so they can find out”

3^rd September at 6.34

Reply email from my son

“He wouldn't speak to me if they asked. You wouldn't believe the vile bullshit he put me through just before Christmas in 2013. That was the last time I spoke to him”

3^rd September at 6.36pm

My email to my son

“OK, was just a thought I had in my head today when they tried to contact youngest thru you when he would not answer any of their texts and calls”

3^rd September at 6.45pm- Email from my son

“Where did you hear about that?”

3^rd September at 6.48pm

My email to my son

“When you and youngest were here and they left me alone with no calls over Xmas 2012 when youngest was doing all that stuff to himself and I was going out of my mind, then Paul decided to "catch up" after 5 days of begging them to help us, I would not take his call and told you that he would probably call you, you said he wouldn't as he never does but he did and you answered and told him that mum has basically washed her hands off you as you have done nothing about youngest”

4^th September at 1.16pm. Email my son received and forwarded to me

From: Anne O'Loughlin <annem.oloughlin@hse.ie>
Date: 4 September 2015 at 12:15
Subject: Social Work service.
“Dear Mr. X, I wish to inform you that I am assessing your allegation of carer abuse by Gheel Autism Services. I will be in contact with you the week of 14^th September 2015 as I am on annual leave. I have informed Mr. Peter Byrne CEO Gheel Services of your allegation of ‘carer abuse’ by him and some of his staff. Please be assured I will take your allegation seriously and carry out a comprehensive assessment of this allegation. In the meantime please e mail me of any additional information you think would be helpful or any additional matters of concern to you. Yours sincerely,

Ms. Anne O'Loughlin, Principal Social Worker, St. Mary's Hospital, Phoenix Park, Chapelizod D20”

My son replied to Ms Anne O'laughlin and forwarded it to me

“To: Anne O'Loughlin <annem.oloughlin@hse.ie>
“Thank you for emailing me. I prefer email to phone calls as I have the memory of a goldfish (which is why I keep a diary) and I'm quite ineloquent. I'm also pretty anxious over the phone unless I'm sedated.

I was put through withdrawal by Gheel twice in the space of a month (or three times, depending on your opinion.) In my two years of dealing with them I've had a couple of cases of withdrawal when coming off medication but not once had they withheld my own prescription from me to the detriment to my health (Darragh had withheld it before, after I requested it early, on the 30th of October, 2014 but I did not suffer withdrawal as they still gave me the rest of my medication on the following Monday.) I was given only 6 days worth of medication from the 10th to the 16th of August. I went into withdrawal from the 16th to the 17th. I had Doctor's appointment on the 17th and I asked my GP for help but he refused and told me I'd have to talk to Peter Byrne. I was also given only six days of medication from the 24th to the 30th of August. I went into withdrawal from the 30th to the 31st.

But there was another case I haven't written down yet that I'd like someone to know about. After my Doctor's appointment I said to Richard, from the Outreach team, as he was driving me home that I didn't want to see anyone from Gheel at my door again and I wanted nothing to do with them. He said he was sorry for being 'involved in all this' as I stormed out of the car. I bolted the latch on the front door and went straight to bed. This was on Monday the 17th of August.

On the following Thursday (the 20th,) Tim, from the Outreach team, tried to drop my prescription off around 1:40pm. I was lying in bed with headphones on full blast most of the day because I didn't want to see them. I expected them to just leave the medication outside just like Darragh did not long after I moved in (on the 12th of September, 2013, I had a text from Darragh at 5:21pm saying he dropped off that week's dose of Lyrica in a plastic tub under garden pot outside because I didn't answer door as I was asleep. I live in a basement flat which is tucked away pretty well so there was no chance of them disappearing.)

Then at 4:06pm I had a missed call from a private number, I looked through the blinds of my window and saw Richard standing at the front door. I had a text from his number at 4:10pm saying he's outside if I wanted to 'take [my] meds off [him],' What followed was a flurry of texts and calls from Darragh Byrne saying they're 'concerned.' I then had a text from Darragh at 5:02pm reminding me he has a spare key (as the flat and even the modem are in his name despite it all being funded by the HSE) and threatening to come into my home if he hears nothing from me. I gave him a crude response to get him to leave me alone and went to bed. I was awake all night.

Then, on the 21st, I had a text from Darragh at 11:13am asking if I want my meds 'dropped down today.' I ignored it. I went to bed around 9:00pm. I was awake all night, again. At least with Xanax withdrawal (in 2009) I managed 20 minutes of sleep per night.

On the 22nd, a Saturday, I had a text from Darragh at 10:48am asking if I want meds today and saying they could just leave them outside my door; I replied this time, as the palpitations from the withdrawal were getting pretty bad, my tear ducts were swollen and crimson due to dryness from lack of sleep, my eyes were bloodshot and my skin felt like leather. This was the point I started to feel like my relationship with Gheel was one between a junkie and a drug dealer. I had a text from Pearl via Gheel Residential Outreach number at 12:07pm saying she'll be over in 10 minutes to drop meds off; followed by a text from Darragh at 12:21pm saying they should be here in about 10 minutes. I heard a knock on my front door at 12:29pm and found a plastic bag tied to the handle on my front door containing a small brown envelope with 8x2mg clonazepam, 8x80mg Inderal LA, 8x75mg Lyrica and 8x25mg Lyrica in total. There was nothing stopping them from doing this without demanding I beg them for my own prescription. I'd made it clear I wanted no contact with them. My mother told me these were mind games on their part; that may be the case but I see it as controlling behaviour. They refused to just leave my medication at my door, which Darragh had no problem doing in the past. They demanded that I engage with them and ask for my prescribed medication on the days I was supposed to get them. I have countless texts from the past two years showing this had never happened before. They are exercising authority that they don't have (as they are just employees of a charity, not Doctors.) He included his very long email he sent to the advocate too.

4^th September at 1.44pm

My email to my son

“It is very good, the only downside that I can see is there is a lot of information for anyone to digest. I know from experience that Professionals would be more used to Bullet points and would then come back to ask you questions if they want extra clarification. That is the only thing I can think of. I know for a fact that Darragh Byrne's email to you was on the back of your complaint to the advocate and I repeat again that if he was at all concerned about your misuse of your prescription then he would have damn well done something about you when you were here, he did nothing, nothing at all. I have all the proof you need eg: for you to even talk to him in this house you had x amount of Xanax in your system, the same goes for that Scottish Consultant Psychologist Gheel use, he was well aware of your intake due to extreme anxiety and he too did nothing. I do not know what a Social Worker hopes to achieve but if it gives you an independent person that can liaise with your consent and on your behalf then that is a good thing. Are you happy the process has started now, Gheel are slippier than eels so do not expect any great results, you know I have had my dealings with them and they answer to no one and could not give a monkeys. Darragh Byrne was a car salesman for 9 years, you have to be born a carer, no one can train you to be one. Nepotism is alive and kicking at Gheel”

4^th September text from my son at 12.18pm

“It's starting. Email from Anne O'Loughlin from the HSE that I've just forwarded to you. It took me an hour to write my response and I've just forwarded that to you also”

4^th September text from my son at 12.25pm

“Since the advocate was so dismissive of my email to him I'd like you to critique my response when your finished reading so I don't make any mistakes in future”

4^th September text from ME to my son at 1.26pm

“ Ok, will do once I've finished reading but all sounds succinct so far”

4^th September at 1.50pm Email from my son

“Darragh told me he had a desk job for ages that he was sick of and one day he got a call from "Peter Byrne" (he always calls his dad by his name so no one will suspect nepotism) who asked him to lead the Outreach team he was forming. I'm worried that nothing will be done regards Peter and Darragh Byrne. Advocate suggested that the outcome would be that I have someone to liason with but that doesn't fix the problem of them abusing authority that they don't have.

4^th September at 1.59pm Email from me to my son
“The times I told Darragh Byrne to get the CEO of Gheel to reply to my previous emails of complaints I've lost track of. I was always going nuts on the phone so would tell Darragh Byrne that the CEO was a fat twat etc, not once did he mention the ignoramus was his father”

5^th September at 5.59pm

My email to my son

“I'm in from work. Any news”

5^th September at 6pm

From my son

“Nope”

7^th September text from my son at 08.52am

“Meds don't usually get dropped off till the day shift come in after 10.30am”

7^th September text from my son at 11.25am

“Still nothing. Only had 4 hours of sleep too. Sundays are always shit as that's when I'm furthest away from my last dose during the week”

7^th September text from my son at 8.07pm

“I did not get one reply from all people I sent that 1^st email to”

8^th September at 1.22am

Email from my son

“You said no-one replied to your initial emails (apart from that later one from Barry), but did the Dr ever respond to the email you sent to him? Also, in my email to Anne O'Laughlin I told her about me getting just 6 days worth of my prescription for the second time, the first time being when I threatened to call the Guards and the second time when Darragh had a phone call from a Garda. Considering what I highlighted in bold, what do you think Garda K would have to say about Darragh and co. fucking around with my prescription again, making me go through withdrawal again, after I'd gone to K for help?

In the two years I've lived under Gheel I'd only gone through withdrawal twice. The first time was when I came off daily Lyrica at the end of 2013. It was pretty shit but not particularly horrible, I just felt the room spinning around me constantly. The second time I went through withdrawal was earlier this year when I went from taking meds three times per week back to taking them twice weekly, the Xanax complicated things so I asked for it to be dropped from my prescription and stopped taking it. This withdrawal was worse and lasted several weeks but, just like the Lyrica, it was a result of me deciding to come off a medication I'd built up a tolerance to.

Then in August I went through Benzo withdrawal three times between the 16th and the 31st. All caused by Gheel. There is absolutely no fucking way they can play silly buggers about that with any authority, no matter how corrupt it is. There's no excuse they can make up. The apologies after the first time and telling me it would never happen again were a sick fucking joke”

8^th September at 6.49am

My Email reply to my son

“Dr **** did not reply at all. Like most professionals in this country they bury their heads under the sand or ignore you till you have exhausted yourself or they bare face lie in self protection mode. That is why every one gets away with it. The last time I had to write to the Dr was over youngest and I had attached his horrific self harming photographs, I went ballistic at him and within half an hour he was on the phone to me. But again did nothing. Last year with youngest, he slashed his wrists and I had a call from a psychiatrist asking me where he was as he had attended A & E at but after waiting many hours to be seen he had walked out. I gave the psych Gheels outreach number, after talking to Gheel the psych told me that he was happy enough that youngest would be given support by Gheel as that is what he had been told. I told him Gheels history re lack of support and I asked him "so you are telling me officially that youngest is not a danger to himself" he said he could not say that as he had "not seen him in person" That sorry tale had me write a letter to Sheila Marshall Manager Disability Services. I got no reply, I sent it to the CEO of the HSE and got a nonsensical reply and I also took it to the Garda who were not even interested at first but the bloke at the desk realised he recognised me (he had kicked youngests bed door down here) so he sent a couple of Garda to youngests address to check on his welfare. My whole point is no one cares except when it comes to protecting their pay packet, they do not care about people. I was lucky that Garda K was so nice, they must have had a quiet night to have rang Gheel, they are not all like that so it is urgent that you have what the advocate said on his letter, an Independent person who has nothing but your best interests at heart. You should officially have a "support Plan" in Gheels office, which is what Gheel have to give the HSE for funding, you have no idea what is written on it but it is your legal right to see it. They could be writing anything they like in it just to get money from the HSE, if I were you that would be the first thing I would be asking them for, it should tell you a clear story of what the HSE is paying them to support you and should have dates and comments on whenever they support you but I asked them since 2009 for my copy of a Family Support Plan and got Jack so they obviously had something to hide as not even a Sien Fein TD could get it out of them. My point is that nothing will change until you have that Independent Advocate.

8^th September text from my son at 8.07am

“ Emailed you my PCP drafts from 2013. Went through my emails with Paul and found two sets of them. Thought you might be interested in them”

8^th September text from my son at 9.01am

“ Those were issues with Darragh and the estate agents maintenance guy. As I've said before the meds are just a symptom of the problem. The problem is that Peter and Darragh Byrne are abusive dictators and control freaks and should not be working for Gheel, like I said, they won't be able to dodge the fact that I went through withdrawal 3 times within a month because I went to get help outside of Gheel”

8^th September text from ME to my son at 9.13am

“if you can, try write list of your complaints for when social worker is back cause I'm sure all Gheel will focus on will be their concern of your safety re meds. Add you had no bin sorted for 6 months so rubbish piled high in your flat, that's health, safety and hygiene issue. Add fridge freezer not working so you could not buy fresh food and store it hygienically. It's not just the meds issue even tho I know it's your primary concern.

8^th September text from ME to my son at 10.02am

“ I know and now it's in the open too. Just hope that social worker actually listens to you when she gets back”

10^th September text from my son at 08.00am

“Sleep pattern is now so fucked up I only got 1 hour and 45mins of sleep last night. And Anne O'Loughlin isn't back for 4 days”

10^th September text from my son at 08.03am

“Yes. Meant to be 4 days worth but I added some coconut rum to today's Tesco order just in case Gheel fuck me over so I have a chance at sleeping on Sunday night”

10^th September text from my son at 08.05am

“Sleeping pills only make me hallucinate”

10^th September text from my son at 08.06am

“ Nope. I had a prescription of Ambien after I moved and managed to go through the whole pack in a few hours with no effect”

I went to work, my son was texting me non stop all morning, I was in a meeting and had no access to my phone.

10^th September text from my son at 12.03pm

“Just my luck. Wasted €40 on alcohol to help me sleep on the same day Gheel decide to drop off (all of) my meds before 11am for the first time since this kicked off”

10^th September text from my son at 5.41pm

“What do you think are the chances of serious legal action against Darragh and Peter Byrne for what they've done to me?”

10^th September text from ME to my son at 6.55pm

“The honest answer re Gheel is I don't know, you don't know what is being said behind the scenes. Something is going on tho if their clinical team said no to all your meds in one day then turn about and deliver them all in one day or was it for 4 days, your first text today said all in one day. Have they tried to contact you at all outside of med delivery”

12^th September text from ME to my son at 6.30pm “ I'm back now. Did you get a decent sleep yet”

13^th September text from my son at 1.37pm “ Technically withdrawal but this one is Dr **** fault for not paying attention”

14^th September text from my son at 10.15am

“Just had a text from the Outreach number asking to hand me my meds as it's raining. Replied with this: They are in sealed plastic packets so it doesn't matter how wet it is outside. I do not want to see any of you”

14^th September text from ME to my son at 11.17am

“ Just hope they don't with hold them in case they get wet, suppose they want to see you in person to either fill in their tick box or to tell you something”

15^th September text from my son at 9.19am

“ Are you busy? Got a letter addressed to “Gheel Autism”

15^th September text from ME to my son at 10.22am

“ Give me call. Am in work but can talk for min”

15^th September text from my son at 9.45am

“Emailed Anne O'Loughlin asking why no-one has been in touch yet. Texted Outreach number and Paul has offered to pick up the letter and collect my parcel”

15^th September at 10.47am. My son forwarded me the email he sent to Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie

“To: Anne O'Loughlin <annem.oloughlin@hse.ie>
“You said you'd be in contact from the 14th onwards. I know the email I sent you was long but I'm a bit worried about not having anyone contact me yet. This has been going on since August the 12th and I'm feeling completely helpless. I've got more to add: In the two years I've lived under Gheel I'd (previously) only gone through withdrawal twice. The first time was when I came off (daily) Lyrica at the end of 2013. It was bad but not particularly horrible, I just felt the room spinning around me constantly for a short while. The second time I went through withdrawal was earlier this year when I switched from taking meds three times per week back to taking them twice weekly, the Xanax complicated things so I asked for it to be dropped from my prescription and stopped taking it. This withdrawal was worse and lasted weeks but, just like the Lyrica, it was a result of me deciding to come off a medication that I had built up a tolerance to. Then, in August, I went through Benzodiazepine withdrawal three times between the 16th and the 31st. All caused by Gheel. There is absolutely no way they can play silly buggers over this. There's no excuse they can make up. The apologies after the first time and telling me it would "never happen again" were a sick joke. Peter Byrne and his son Darragh have no business having power over anyone”

17^th September at 11.04pm

Email from my son re reply from Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie

“Dear Mr. X, I wish to inform you that I am assessing your allegation of carer abuse by Gheel Autism Services. I will be in contact with you the week of 14^th September 2015 as I am on annual leave”

18^th September at 10.59am

My email to my son

“Advocate is out of the office until 28th September. I will get find that woman's number and ring her myself”

18^th September at 11.39am

My email to my son

“Anne O' Loughlin is based in St Mary's Hospital Phoenix Park. She is not in her office but reception got me to leave her a voice mail. I said that you were expecting contact from her this week and that she has all your details to do so and also left my name and number. She also deals with Elder Abuse so I can only presume she is a very busy woman but should have contacted you when she said she would. I am expecting my friend to ring me today so I will ask her if she knows anyone who can chase this up as advocate is on holiday for next ten days”

18^th September at 11.41am

Email from my son

“Okay. She's just busy then. That's fine. I'm glad to know this isn't being swept under the carpet”

18^th September at 12.52pm

My email to my son

“Just spoken to my friend, she thinks this may be helpful as they will represent you and only you and are independent of the HSE etc. http://www.citizensinformationboard.ie/services/advocacy_services/

Let me know what you think”

18^th September text from my son at 1.29pm

“ Sorry. Passed out and got some sleep but I'm still wrecked. Will check out your email later”

18^th September at 2.51pm

Email from my son

“I'm not speaking to a stranger to try to get them to advocate on my behalf”

18^th September at 6.52pm

My email to my son “You don't have to speak to them, you can email them or I can fill them in for you and they can take it from there. The point of it is having someone who is independent of Gheel with no other agenda except making sure your rights are being adhered to. These people will know the in's and out's of the law but it's up to you”

My friend rang, she said “if Gheel cannot provide supports and services, an agency who can needs to be found for him”

21^st September at 11.52am

Text from my son “Pearl asked me to text her acknowledging that I had my meds when she left them outside today. That's new”

21^st September

My text to my son 12.01pm “That's what they should have done all along. They are just doing things by the book now. Am surprised your not being asked to sign for them”

21^st September at 11.54am

Text from my son “ Feeling extremely depressed after taking the clonazepam. I usually have euphoria for an hour before that kicks in but this time it was within 55 minutes of taking them”

21^st September at 12.54pm

My text to my son “All you can do is ride it out. Put music on to distract thoughts away”

21^st September at 11.56am Text from my son 

 “Still no response from the HSE. This was all a waste of time”

21^st September at 12.57pm My text to my son 
 “It is not. That woman told you Gheel was being investigated so takes while for them to get all correspondence back but I am surprised she aint contacted you directly. No reply re my voice mail either”

21^st September at 1pm My text to my son 
 “Do you want me to ring the advocacy service to explain situation and see if they can chase up Anne O' Loughlin cause advocate not back till 28th”

21^st September at 1.01pm. From my son 
“If you're busy then don't bother. I'm going to bed. I just wish I could just sleep forever”

21^st September at 1.03pm My text to my son

“I'll ring them and see what they advise”

21^st September at 7.24pm My email to my son

“I rang the Advocacy Service and explained your situation and told them about Gheel, The GP, the HSE and their non response to you despite telling you they would contact you last week. It can take up to 3 days for them to have an Advocate contact you and I asked that it be on Thursday afternoon (so you have your meds and don't feel so anxious) I said that you would prefer email contact first and gave them your email addy, they need to confirm with you what I told them is true. They are totally independent of the HSE etc and will only listen to you and you alone and make sure that your legal and Human rights are being observed and if they are not, then they will fight your corner”

21^st September at 9.09pm

My email to my son

“You do not need the Professor to prescribe anything, Consultant Psych Dr Canning in 2010 said the family doctor could manage your anti anxiety meds himself and that it was not a mental health issue anyway. Gheel sat round that conference table back then and promised the earth, moon and stars as far as help, supports and services and did Jack shit. They are all useless”

24^th September at 9.12am

Text from my son

“Just had Paul at the door. Handed me an envelope with only 3 days worth of meds again. Fourth time I'm going to have to go through withdrawal”

24^th September at 10.15am

Text from ME to my son

“You will get the advocate email today so reply with list of all wrong doings and they will help”

24^th September at 1.58pm

Text from my son

“ No contact. Fuck them”

24^th September

Text from my son at 2.01pm

“It's well past afternoon. No contact. They're as useless as everyone else”

24^th September

Text from my son at 2.01pm

“I'll stop texting you now so you can work. Sorry for worrying you with my drama”

24^th September

Text from ME to my son at 3.01pm

“It's not drama. I know they will email you this afternoon”

24^th September

Text from my son at 4.28pm

“Well it's half 5 and no contact. Fuck them.

24^th September at 9.42pm

My email to my friend

“Hi, Just a quick update. I had a call from Disability Section, Longford today in work, looking for youngests address as he's moved and they are “reviewing” his Disability claim. I asked the woman if she had found a new cure for Autism and serious mental health problems and that I did not have any address or phone number for him but I would ring my other son and see if he had any info. Eldest texted me the info. The woman rang me back and I gave her youngests contact numbers. Eldest then tells me at 5.30pm by text that he is drunk on apple vodka and says the Advocate service did not email him as they told him they would do so he may as well drink the rest of his vodka and hoped he had the balls to hang himself with some electrical cable because he has done this for 9 years and has no future and wants this over. I did not mention any of this in my reply texts to him and he came round and texted me about music and sent me some links via youtube and I've emailed him a couple of times tonight so he seems to have calmed down now. He will have some bloody hangover in the morning”

26^th September

Text from my son at 7.15am

“No contact from anyone on Thursday. None yesterday. Still no word from the HSE. I'm invisible”

26^th September

Text from ME to my son at 8.29am

“Ok, running for bus. Make bullet point list of all times of late drop off's re meds and when they told you to take a break from them so it's quick to read when you email reply to advocate”

26^th September at 8.09pm

Email from my son

“No contact from anyone”

26^th September at 8.26pm

My email to my son

“Want to confirm something with you, when Paul gave you the meds on Thursday, did he say why there was only 3 days worth or was the envelope sealed and you only found out when you opened it”

26^th September at 8.28pm

Email from my son

“Envelope was sealed so didn't find out how much was in it until I was sitting at my desk”

26^th September at 8.31pm

My email to my son

“OK. Bloody disgraceful they are. Did you do any bullet point list yet?  Forgot to tell you that most of the Advocates have been thru similar problems which is why they are now independent Advocates helping others get their "rights" so do not give up on them just yet”

26^th September at 8.46pm

My email to my son
“OK. I just know from experience that people do not want to read reams of stuff, it's too much for them to decipher into a report. I know your main complaint is the late deliveries, the withholding of meds, the telling you to take a break from your meds by "lay people" but they will have a counter claim as to why they did so (slippery gits they are) The fact you had no bin for 6 months is a health and safety issue, the broken down fridge/freezer is too. The supports and services they are getting paid massive bucks for is obviously not happening as your situation has not changed and you have not had any diagnostic assessment, review or future planning means they have neglected their duty of care for your health and welfare”

27^th September

Text from my son at 8.37am

“ No point. Everyone at Gheel deserves to hang. This is the fourth time now”

28^th September

Text from my son at 11.02am

“ Got 4 days worth of meds instead of 3 from James 10 minutes ago with no explanation for the missing dose from last week”

28^th September at 3.34pm

My email to my son

“Back now but heading out to other job at 4.30pm. Just spoken to Advocacy Service, woman has no idea why no one contacted you but she is going to find out, agrees that it may be spelling mistake”

29^th September at 12.13pm

Email from my son

“Still nothing from HSE or advocate. I don't think I have ever felt this fucking miserable”

29^th September at 4.43pm

My email to my son

“The number Anne O Laughlin gave you is now the number of an Aishleen someone, I have left yet another voicemail for them to contact you as it is now 29th September and you were told by Anne O Loughlin that she would contact you week of 14th September and she didn't and nor has she replied to your consequent emails”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 8.52am

“Nothing from advocate. Nothing from HSE”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 8.54am

“And how fucking long ago did they say that? Everyone you've put me in touch with has been useless”

I rang the Advocacy service for the third time and spoke to a lovely woman called R. R apologised and said it was unusual that no one had contacted “son” I had to explain the full situation yet again and warned R that he may be rude to her.

2^nd October

Text from my son at 9.59am

“Just had a phone call from R. Not happy with her. She's too mild and wants to sit down and chat with Gheel to “sort things out” I made it clear “I want Peter and Darragh Byrne in a cell. She didn't give two fucks”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 10.06am

“I've got to wait a few weeks because they're swamped. I snapped at her and called her politically correct for being so passive about Gheel. She admitted she knew Darragh and had worked with Gheel before. I wish I was making this up”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 10.41am

“Then I want nothing to do with these cunts. Everyone you've put me in touch with hasn't given a fuck about what Gheel are still doing to me. Fuck all of them”

2^nd October at 10.26am

My email to my son

“Advocacy are ringing you now”

2^nd October

MY text to my son at 11.04am “ She makes the referrals, that's all. She prob just thought that would be a good 1^st step but now she knows your answer so wont do that. She just answers the phone and offers suggestions. She wont be the advocate”

R from the Advocacy Service rang me to say “sorry, he's misinterpreted me telling him I've previously worked as an advocate for a client of Gheels, he thinks I've worked for Gheel”

2^nd October

MY text to my son at 11.39am

“ It wont be R as she passes referral on. She knows Gheel because she was an advocate for a client of theirs, she has never worked for Gheel. A letter and email will be sent to you but their job is not to put Gheel staff in jail, they will be your voice re Gheel and HSE”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 6.13pm

“ Had an email from an advocate. Replied telling him to go fuck himself”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 6.17pm

“The bitch on the phone kept suggesting Gheel were only looking out for me in with holding my prescription”

2^nd October

Text from my son at 6.17pm

“ Fuck all of them”

2^nd October

MY text to my son at 7.15pm

“That is not nice at all. They only want to help”

2^nd October

MY text to my son at 7.24pm

“She told me your human rights need to be protected. Think you're going to need a solicitor but that takes money”

7^th October

Text from my son at 1.15pm

“ Professionals are numb to their patients. We're just another case to prescribe shit medication to. Fuck them all”

7^th October

Text from my son at 1.15pm

“Brother is on an anti-psychotics for fuck sake”

7^th October

Text from my son at 1.16pm

“ Nope. No reply from scum advocates”

7^th October

Text from ME to my son at 1.17pm

“They aint scum, they don't even get paid, do it cos they been in same or similar boat and want to help others”

7^th October

Text from my son at 1.18pm

“Advocates have dealt with Gheel before. Says to me they'll listen to their bullshit about protecting me”

7^th October

Text from ME to my son at 1.21pm

“ We don't know outcome of that case woman was on. All I know is they have to follow certain protocol and find a solution. Gheel will get their comeuppance one day”

7^th October

Text from my son at 1.22pm

“ They'll get no such thing. They're above the law. Made me go through withdrawal 4 times out of spite”

7^th October

Text from ME to my son at 2.14pm

“ Only way you can get thru this is to educate yourself on law and Human Rights and fight for them cos no other will do it for you in this country. Did advocate reply to your go fuck yourself email”

I started night classes in Dublin Business School doing Law.

7^th October

Text from my son at 6.40pm

“Had an email from the advocate assigned to me. Did you have anything to do with that?

7^th October

Text from ME to my son st 8.53pm

“I'd nothing to do with that at all. Last time I spoke to them was when you spoke to the woman R”

8^th October

Text from my son at 2.16pm

“ As opposed to only giving me 3 days worth of meds today, Gheel have apparently decided not to give me anything at all”

8^th October

Text from ME to my son at 2.17pm

“Text them, they might be short staffed, terrible flu going around”

8^th October

Text from my son at 2.18pm

“I will not beg for my own prescription. I will not ask them to do what they're paid to do”

8^th October

Text from ME to my son at 2.18pm

“Ok, shall I text them then”

8^th October

Text from my son at 2.20pm

“If you want but I have nothing to say to them”

8^th October

Text from ME to Gheel Outreach 2.25pm

“ My son has not received his prescribed medication today which is normally delivered to him by now. He is as you may be aware very anxious in case he does not receive them. Please text him and give him a time frame of when his medication due today will be with him”

8^th October

Text from Gheel to me at 2.46pm

“ Hello Anne.. medication will be dropped into him in around 5 minutes. Thanks”

8^th October

Text from son to me at 2.50pm

“James just handed them to me. He was standing outside before the Outreach sent me this text: Hey- James will be dropping your medication into you in around 5 minutes. Thanks”

8^th October

Text from ME to son at 3.50pm

“As long as you've got them”

8^th October

Text from son at 5.33pm

“Took meds half an hour ago and they're kicking in hard already. Can take up to 4 hours to reach peak plasma levels sometimes. Thanks for the help with Gheel”

8^th October

Text from ME to son at 6.39pm

“No bother. Just in from work”

8^th October at 9.30pm

My Email to N the Advocate

“Dear, my eldest has still not heard from anyone at all re his complaint of Carer Abuse which he told both you and I about. I have rang Anne O'Loughlin, the person who was investigating this and she told my son by email that she would be in touch with him week of 14th September but she did not do so. I have rang her twice twice leaving voice mails and my son still did not get any reply either or from his own email to her. Can you please advise me who he can contact as he has no options left. Thank you in advance”

Reply from the Advocate

“Dear Anne, he needs to make contact with her again and copy in socialcare@hse.ie for the attention of Pat Healy National Director of Social Care. The phone number for Pat’s office is (01) 6352308. The person there is Daire Scanlon. Best regards.”

9^th October

Text from son to me at 7.31am

“Advocate said I need to phone the Director of Social care, Pat Healy, even though I've him told I'm terrified of calling anyone. Can someone else do it on my behalf”

9^th October

Text from ME to son at 8.37am

“ On my email he said email Anne O'Loughlin and cc it to that man. One thing you cannot do is be rude or angry in any email, they will not deal with you at all if you are. This is when the advocate would have been very useful. I can email him or phone him but he will want to hear about it from the horses mouth. As it's Friday I doubt you will hear from him today. I've got to get bus but I'll be in all night. Let me know if you want me to email or ring him, it will be his assistant who answers the phone”

9^th October

Text from ME to son at 9.07am

“ I've emailed Anne O'Loughlin and sent it to Pat Healy and HSE too”

9^th October

Text from son at 3.54pm

“ Sorry for texting during work hours. Just drink and lonely on the verge of tears. Gonna listen to some Deafheaven”

9^th October

Text from son at 4.47pm

“Thanks for all your efforts towards helping me but we both know this, you will be there for my cremation. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to end like this. I was born like this”

9^th October

Text from son at 5.06pm

“I'm sorry. Not going to die yet. Plan to though. Shame you only care when you assume I'm dead. Just like “my brother” said. It's all about your own melodrama”

9^th October

Text from son at 5.29pm

“ My suicide ideation has been going on since 2005. You decided to leave me with a broken home. Google the statistics on mental health regarding single parent households. But you're a pathological Narcissist who can admit no wrong”

9^th October

Text from ME to son at 6.03pm

“ WTF is going on. Just out of work to all these texts. I'll have to call the Garda with you saying this”

9^th October

Text from son at 6.04pm

“You will bury me. Don't pretend you care. You started this a decade ago. I will rue you if you feign mourning of me”

9^th October

Text from ME to son at 6.07pm

“You don't know how wrong you are in all you just said but nothing I say or do will ever change your opinion of me”

9^th October

Text from son to me 6.12pm

“ Fuck you. From Outreach “Hi, Pearl here. I received a text from your Mam, she's concerned about you. Are you ok? Anything I can help with?

9^th October

Text from son to me at 6.33pm

“And now I've just sent Pearl everything I sent to my advocate. Too drunk to have any sense. Thanks a fucking lot”

9^th October

Text from son to me 6.33pm

“Darragh will have everything in no time”

9^th October

Text from ME to Gheel Outreach 7.06pm

“ My son needs to be checked on as per his texts to me. He has texted me that he plans to kill himself”

9^th October

Text from son to me at 7.11pm

“And now I have Pearl texting me about how Darragh is innocent. Fuck you”

9^th October

Text from ME to Gheel Outreach Pearl at 8.20pm

“ Please note this text down on record. I texted you that my son planned to kill himself. He accidentally sent you all he's sent his independent advocate re Gheel. My son claims that you are texting him about “Darraghs innocence” do you seriously think that is appropriate or professional given the huge stress and anxiety and plans of suicide he has declared. I truly hope you have not texted him with what he has just told me you have. I'm ringing the Garda as I believe if it's true you have made things much worse. Darragh Byrne is an adult who can defend himself with the correct authorities”

My email to Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie

“Dear Anne O'Loughlin, I am emailing you on behalf of my son. You emailed my son on September 4^th “Dear Mr. I wish to inform you that I am assessing your allegation of carer abuse by Gheel Autism Services. I will be in contact with you the week of 14^th September 2015 as I am on annual leave”

You did not contact him despite him emailing you. I left two voice mails on the telephone number you provided him with as he believes he is now invisible to you all. You stated to him by email

“Please be assured I will take your allegation seriously and carry out a comprehensive assessment of this allegation” which surely cannot be done without talking to HIM about his “allegations”

Would you now contact my son directly as you stated to him you would do.

My son is a hugely intelligent man who has no learning or mental disability, he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and Agoraphobia by a UK Autism expert in 2008. cc Pat Healy National Director of Social Care / Tony O'Brien CEO of HSE”

From my son to me

“Your email seems fine but it's too mild. I'd be infinitely more aggressive and fucking vicious with these people after everything that has been done to me (and Gheel are STILL DOING TO ME AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT.) They are all jobsworths who get paid criminal amounts of money to do fuck-all while I lie in bed all day wanting to die. I am turning into an alcoholic. I need to be numb and escape from this fucking misery, that's why I wanted a high-dose Lyrica prescription twice weekly but it looks like that causes rapid tolerance build-up so I need to switch to taking it just once a week”

Email reply from Socialcare@hse.ie

“Dear Ms. I wish to acknowledge receipt of your email on behalf of Pat Healy and Mr. Tony O’Brien, DG. I note that your email is addressed to Ms. Anne O’Loughlin who is following up on issues raised by “advocate on behalf of your son but it does not appear that your email has been sent to Ms. O’ Loughlin. I will arrange to have your email sent to Ms. O’Loughlin for her attention and response. Regards,

My reply to Daire

“Dear Daire, Thank you for your reply. I did send the email to Anne O'Loughlin and was advised to cc it to Pat Healy too because no one has contacted my son at all and he is in a desperate state asking for help and no one is responding to that plea for help in this matter. I appreciate your reply”

12^th October

Email from disability.socialcare@hse.ie

“Dear Ms. Further to your below communication concerning your son; please note that Ms. O’Loughlin is currently on leave, not due to return until after 16^th October 2015; her email is unmonitored meaning that both you and “son” will not receive communication until after this date. Anne, please feel free to revert to this office should communication not be established upon Ms. O’Loughlin’s return. Regards, Office of the Chief Officer CHO Dublin North City & County

12^th October

My email to my friend

“Hi, Hope all is good with you. I've stopped contact with my son since Friday evening. I was at my job and never have my phone on me, I wear latex gloves when there. When I was leaving I took my phone out of my pocket and had numerous texts from him, firstly moaning about being a recluse and then a I'm sorry but thank you for all your efforts with Gheel but he is going to kill himself, I replied that I was sending the Garda to help him, he quickly replied that he is not going to die yet but he plans to. I texted Gheel Outreach and asked them to go check on him. Then many texts followed from him telling me exactly what he thought of me “My suicide ideation has been going on since 2005. You decided to leave me with a broken home. Google the statistics on mental health regarding single parent households. But you're a pathological Narcissist who can admit no wrong” “When I briefly talked to Dad at least he feigned kindness, He cut me off after a few emails. I cried my eyes out. I've never had a father, I just wanted a childhood and you couldn't even give me that” “ You will bury me. Don't pretend you care. You started this a decade ago. I will rue you if you feign mourning of me”

There was much more but the above is the short version. He then told me where to go because he got a text from Pearl from Gheel asking him if he was ok and he “accidentally” forwarded her all his complaint about Gheel he'd sent to his advocate and was worried sick “because Darragh would see it all” and that's apparently all my fault he did this. Another text he sent me said Pearl told him that Darragh was “innocent” so I told her that was unprofessional and not appropriate and I was calling the Garda as I believed she had made things much worse for him given the state he was in. She asked if she could call me and denied saying any such thing to my son. She asked me if I would talk to Darragh when she passed all this on to him re my son, I said not a chance in hell and if I saw him I would punch the face off him. She said she would text me on Saturday and let me know my son was ok but she did not, I am not even surprised. Whilst I was at work on Saturday, my son sent me a picture message but I don't have a smart phone so I could not access it, I went to pieces, I could only think it would be something bad he'd done to himself that he wanted me to see. I accessed it when I got home but still have no idea what the picture was but there was a text message attached and it was just about rock concerts he had gone to and wanted to go to. I did not reply. He takes something from my mind just by the way he is towards me, I cannot remember all the conversation with that Pearl girl except she's always found my son to be a gent, I said “well your very lucky then aren't you as you do not get to see the real him” she also said “It's good to get you're side of the story” what bloody story, I only deal in facts not stories or fiction. I was so demented (again) that I put out a bag for a charity collection and instead of the bag being full of shoes and duvets I mistakenly put out all my summer clothes I had washed and bagged up for storing over the winter so I've bugger all clothes left now. I cannot even remember the name of the charity on the sticker I put on the bag. This morning I've had 2 emails, one from Anne O'Loughlin who was supposed to be dealing with my son directly, she is on holiday (again) has no access to emails and will be back on 19/10 and another from Disability Social Care stating the same thing but I'm not going to forward them to my son, if he's man enough to buy three bottles of vodka and pour them down his throat and send me all that crap then he's man enough to fight his own damn corner as I have had my fill of him. Take care”

Reply from my friend

“Anne. That was awful. Again you have done absolute everything that you could possibly do for him. I'm so sorry. Hope you can keep your mind without too much anxiety and thinking of him”

My son forwarded me an email he received from Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie Progression on your case

“Dear X, I wish to apologise for the lack of communication with you and the distress this has caused to you. I have limited access to my computer since 21^st September 2015 when I took up my new position as Principal Social Worker, Safeguarding and Protection Team Community Healthcare Organisation Area 9 Dublin North City and County. I have also been on annual leave from 7th-16^th October. I have discussed your situation at a meeting with Gheel Autism Services CEO Mr. Peter Byrne and a number of his staff from the Outreach Team and with the Disability Manager Carol Doolan. I have also spoken to Dr. ****, your GP over the phone. At another meeting on 1^st October at Gheel Services with Mr. Peter Byrne and Mr. Darragh Byrne, I proposed a solution to the current problem regarding the prescription, dispensing and delivery of your medication. Mr. Peter Byrne, Gheel Services agreed to contact Prof. Fitzgerald about your request for dispensing of the medication on a weekly basis. The prescription of your medication will still continue to be by Prof. Fitzgerald. Your GP wishes this to continue and he is responsible for transcribing the prescription to the medical card prescription only. I contacted the HSE in Dublin North Central to try to arrange that another organisation deliver the medication on a weekly basis i.e. on a Monday, so that Gheel Services would no longer be involved in the delivery/courier of your prescribed medication. If this is not feasible I am trying to source a pharmacy that can deliver medication or organise that another service deliver to you weekly. I will also need to source the funding required for this task. I hope to have a decision on this by Friday 23^rd October and will communicate with you on the future plan to deliver your medication and the schedule around this. Yours sincerely. Anne O’ Loughlin”

I emailed Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie

“Dear Anne O'Loughlin, Thank you so much for looking into this. I hope he will now feel this is a better option for him and give him back some control, independence and dignity. I appreciate your time”

My email to my son

“Are you happy with the response you got from Anne O' Loughlin. Did she speak to you personally before she did her “investigation” Do not come back at me with abuse, only answers because I've had a gut full of that”

My friend said “That was a strange response from the 'safeguarding and protection team”

20^th October

My email to my friend

“Hi, Strange does not even cover it. She as far as I know didn't even talk to my son, she just had a couple of angry emails from him. I just hope he went ahead with the advocate service but you know what he's like. As for Dr, lazy bastard that he is, wait till I see him, he has met my son twice since 2009 so he can hardly discuss my son as his patient with any bugger. My son detests Prof Fitz (who does he not detest by this stage) so I assume he'll be on a paid by the HSE retainer for Gheel. The meds my son's on can easily be prescribed by Dr but he is so lazy and did not even reply to my last email to him. Not a squeak out of son re Anne O'Loughlin's email, I know he will just see it as a cover up as he has repeatedly told me. It's all the same old crap from them all as always”

22^nd October

My email to my friend

“Hi, my son has just started texting me tonight which is a good thing. He said Anne O'Loughlin did not speak to him at all so I need to put a strong letter of complaint together for him about all this. Think I need to sleep on it first tho”

My email to my son

“That's the same email I got but it went to my spam for some reason, lucky I spotted it. I asked her previously by email how could she have any investigation without talking to you in person, it's a complete farce. Did the advocate contact you at all”

My son's reply email

“No contact from my advocate since I sent him this on the 7th of October:

“I'm sorry for being a prick. I need help but I don't trust any of you, especially after R said she knew Darragh Byrne and had dealt with him before. I have been forced to go through withdrawal 4 times in a short space of time because of Darragh and his father Peter Byrne. They are despicable individuals. I want to hang myself from the railings outside my flat so that some miserable bastard who works for Gheel will find my corpse. That is the closest I will get to revenge against them, as all you people do is paperwork. Darragh and Peter Byrne belong in a cell, but R made it clear she doesn't care about that” The fact that Anne O'Laughlin didn't talk to me in person is the least of the problems with her 'investigation.' I could could pick apart her email paragraph by paragraph but what would be the point at this stage?

My reply to my son

“I'll ring them tomorrow because I was told by them that a client receives 3 letters and one phone call before they give up on that person. They did say a couple of weeks tho didn't they as they have long waiting list so maybe they will still help. I know I am seen as a "trouble maker" by all professionals because I never let them away with anything, it is what they always state when you do not cower beneath them. It's what they do to shake people off, there are many journalists who try and get the HSE to take responsibility and say sorry but they won't”

From my son

“I was assigned a Disability Advocate called J. C on the 2nd of October. Tomorrow it will have been 3 weeks since I first received any contact from him (I promptly told him to fuck off, I apologised but reiterated that I had no reason to trust them so I've heard nothing from them since.)”

My email to info@advocacy.ie on my son's behalf

“Dear Sir/Madam, Can you please read this email and then advise me how this should proceed as my son needs your help. You have all his contact details from my previous conversations. On 21^st September I rang your Advocacy Service and spoke to a lady called L, I explained all that my son had told me re Carer Abuse and abuse of power by Gheel Autism Service who are supposed to provide my son with supports and services. I told her that it took 6 months for Gheel to provide my son with bins so his rubbish was piled up inside his basement flat all that time. I told her that my son was told by the Manager of the Outreach Service (who also happens to be the CEO of Gheel's son) that if my son did not engage with them they would use the key they hold to enter his premises uninvited, my son has Aspergers Syndrome and has a very high IQ but he also has agoraphobia since 2006. I told L about Gheel making late deliveries of my son's medication which put my son into immediate withdrawal as has happened now on at least five occasions. I told L that the Manager of the Outreach Service told my son via one of his colleagues that they thought my son should “have a break from meds” not one of them is medically trained or qualified to make that call but they should be trained in knowing the impact this would have had on my son as he depends on this medication to alleviate his huge anxiety levels which is the biggest factor in anyone who has Aspergers Syndrome, which they should know as an Autism Service. At this point my son decided he needed outside help and went to the family GP, Dr ****, this was an enormous task my son undertook as he was desperate that Gheel no longer interfere with his medication, Dr **** refused to get involved despite being my son's GP since 2009, he told my son to contact the CEO of Gheel himself and tell him not to interfere with his medication. At this point my son described his relationship with Gheel as akin to a dealer and a junkie. L told me she would email my son on Thursday 24^thSeptember 2015 but no email came. I need to explain that my son needs to psyche himself up to deal with strangers so it was a disappointment that no email arrived. On 28^th September I rang the Advocacy number again and spoke to S this time, I explained all the above again and she said she would find out why the message was not passed on for someone to contact my son. On 2^nd October 2015 I rang the Advocacy number again and spoke to a lady called R who said she would ring my son today and she did but he was angered when he was told by her that she had worked with Gheel before and knew the Outreach Manager Darragh Byrne. R rang me and I explained that my son had taken her words out of context as he thought R had previously worked for Gheel. On 2nd of October 2015 my son was assigned a Disability Advocate called J. C but he was very rude by email out of sheer frustration and anger and he then apologised for this rudeness. On 7^th October 2015 my son sent J C an email “I'm sorry for being a prick. I need help but I don't trust any of you, especially after R said she knew Darragh Byrne and had dealt with him before. I have been forced to go through withdrawal 4 times in a short space of time because of Darragh and his father Peter Byrne. They are despicable individuals. I want to hang myself from the railings outside my flat so that some miserable bastard who works for Gheel will find my corpse. That is the closest I will get to revenge against them, as all you people do is paperwork. Darragh and Peter Byrne belong in a cell, but R made it clear she doesn't care about that”

He had no reply from J.C. I completely understand that you all deserve respect and no abuse from anyone but my son is in a unique and desperate situation and has no one in his life at all and it has been this way since 2006 when I personally started contacting everyone I could think of to get him the supports and services he was entitled to but he did not receive but the HSE were paying agencies to do so. He is not living any life at all and is only 23 years old. The latest update re all of this is that I contacted an advocate who sent a high priority report to SocialCare@hse.ie On the 4^th September 2015 my son received this email from Anne O'Loughlin Social Work Service “Dear Mr. I wish to inform you that I am assessing your allegation of carer abuse by Gheel Autism Services. I will be in contact with you the week of 14^th September 2015 as I am on annual leave. I have informed Mr. Peter Byrne CEO Gheel Services of your allegation of ‘carer abuse’ by him and some of his staff. Please be assured I will take your allegation seriously and carry out a comprehensive assessment of this allegation. In the meantime please e mail me of any additional information you think would be helpful or any additional matters of concern to you. Yours sincerely, Anne O’Loughlin”

Anne O'Loughlin did not contact my son the week of 14th September. I rang her myself on 18th September and left a voice mail asking if she would contact him as he had expected to be contacted on the 14th, I gave both my son and my own contact details. She did not ring him.

On 29th September I rang Anne O'Loughlin again after my son declared he never felt so miserable in all his life and felt invisible, I left another voice mail asking again that she contact him and explained that he was now desperate. My son received no contact from her. On 9th October 2015 I emailed Anne O'Loughlin myself. No reply was received but on 19^th October 2015, my son and I both received this email from Anne O'Loughlin “ Dear, I wish to apologise for the lack of communication with you and the distress this has caused to you. I have limited access to my computer since 21^st September 2015 when I took up my new position as Principal Social Worker, Safeguarding and Protection Team Community Healthcare Organisation Area 9 Dublin North City and County. I have also been on annual leave from 7th-16^th October. I have discussed your situation at a meeting with Gheel Autism Services CEO Mr. Peter Byrne and a number of his staff from the Outreach Team and with the Disability Manager Carol Doolan. I have also spoken to Dr ****, your GP over the phone. At another meeting on 1^st October at Gheel Services with Mr. Peter Byrne and Mr. Daragh Byrne, I proposed a solution to the current problem regarding the prescription, dispensing and delivery of your medication. Mr. Peter Byrne, Gheel Services agreed to contact Prof. Fitzgerald about your request for dispensing of the medication on a weekly basis. The prescription of your medication will still continue to be by Prof. Fitzgerald. Your GP Dr. **** wishes this to continue and he is responsible for transcribing the prescription to the medical card prescription only. I contacted the HSE in Dublin North Central to try to arrange that another organisation deliver the medication on a weekly basis i.e. on a Monday, so that Gheel Services would no longer be involved in the delivery/courier of your prescribed medication. If this is not feasible I am trying to source a pharmacy that can deliver medication or organise that another service deliver to you weekly. I will also need to source the funding required for this task. I hope to have a decision on this by Friday 23rd October and will communicate with you on the future plan to deliver your medication and the schedule around this.  Yours sincerely. Anne O’ Loughlin"

Anne O'Loughlin has completed her “comprehensive investigation” of my son's allegations without even speaking to him, she did receive a couple of emails from him but not even after I emailed her with this “which surely cannot be done without talking to HIM about his “allegations” Would you now contact him directly as you stated to him you would do”

My son needs an independent body in his life that can help him have some quality of life, he has been let down by everyone to date, including me, but I did contact and eventually berate everyone who failed him, they all just ignored me since 2006 and the HSE and everyone employed by them just ignore ordinary people until they crack up or run out of any energy which happened to me but he needs help and he desperately needs someone outside of Gheel and the HSE to talk for him and help him. I have run out of people to contact, can you please do this for him. He has no one at all. Yours sincerely”

My email to my son

“I woke up thinking about the email you sent to the advocate where you told him you would hang yourself off the railings. You need to know that there is a thing called "Duty of Care" that all professionals have to adhere to and report if they are worried about someone so if you can please stop writing this kind of thing. I will speak to the Advocacy Service today and see what the story is to get someone outside of the HSE to be your voice. I'll phone a solicitor and find out how an investigation was held without anyone talking to you”

My son's reply to me

“There was no investigation. Look up the definitions of inquiry and investigation. Just type this into google: define: inquiry”

23^rd October

Email from Advocacy.ie

Dear Ms, Thanks for your comprehensive email. As you rightly pointed out I am the advocate who has been assigned to link in with “your son”. Please be aware taking offence to his mails has not been the reason for the delay in getting back to him, but rather that I was out on sick leave last week and have been fully taken up with active cases since coming back. I had explained to him in a previous mail that we operate a waiting list and I've had to prioritise cases already open this past week. Your mail is timely as I had pencilled in time today to come back to him. So as to be clear about expectations, I will mail him now this afternoon and I will be stating that I will be in a position to open a case file and tart linking in with him the week after next, if he is willing to work with me, as I am away next week on leave. Sincerely, J”

My reply to J

“Dear J, Thank you so very much and I am sorry that you were sick. I hope my son makes the most of this opportunity to work with you. Take care”

My son forwarded me the email he received from J, the advocate

“Hi, I am mailing to say that I haven't forgotten about your enquiry. I am sorry that it has taken me a couple of weeks to respond to you, I was out on sick leave last week and have had to prioritise active open cases this week. We received an update mail from your mother, and I have responded to acknowledge her mail and make this clear also. I am clear from your last mail that you do not trust services and that you have no reason to trust us either. I realise that trust has to be earned, and I would like to try to gain this, if you will allow me to. Regarding Gheel, I also know Darragh & Peter Byrne as I am sure most of my colleagues in this region do. This though is in a professional advocacy capacity, and my way of working with Gheel as an independent advocate does not differ to the way of working with any of the many other services that I link in with. Based on this if you will allow, I would be interested in talking to you about the goals you would see us working on, and I would also be interested in starting the process of forming an action plan based on those goals with you. I am out of the office next week on annual leave. I will be back Monday, November 2nd and if you are willing I will follow up with you then around this, Sincerely, J”

Email from my son

“All of them knowing Darragh and Peter Byrne means they're as bad as Anne O'Laughlin. I cannot trust them”

My reply to my son

“I read it differently, it tells me that there must be many complaints about Gheel if people are contacting an Advocacy Service to talk for them, especially if most of his colleagues know them too. I can only say give him a go and see what happens, it's up to you but there is no one else left in this country to contact. He has nothing to do with the HSE which is a good thing”

From my son

“I'm not contacting him. I've already given up”

25^th October

I've caught a bad virus. All quiet on the son front.

29^th October

Went to work but got sent home at 2pm, still very sick. Son texted saying no news and no prescription. I sent Gheel a text about it. Paul from Gheel delivered them to son with a note of apology as he had “read the roster wrong”

30^th October

Son has problems with his bank card so his Tesco weekly shop could not be sent to him. It took me ages trying to sort it out for him. Son was going apeshit about a Gheel care worker asking him for all his bank details including his password. I rang the bank twice and spoke to Aaron and Vicky there. Son then demanded his “emergency” prescription that he's supposed to get when he needs it.

I feel stressed out of my box on top of being sick and a head cold and a cough like a barking dog.

12.32pm

My text to Gheel outreach phone

“Son has to activate a new contactless bank card at the local ATM but cannot do so as his meds have worn off due to high anxiety levels this morning. He was sent a message from Darragh Byrne on the 21^st August “Prof Fitzgerald has given us a script for extra meds that you can take when you need it, for example, going to a gig, but it's completely up to you whether you want them or not”

My son wants to access these extra meds today so he can cope with going outside to activate his bank card otherwise he will have no food shopping that he orders weekly. Please contact him and let him know if these extra meds will be delivered to him”

30^th October Email forwarded from my son that Gheel sent him

“Hi, Paul here. Just thought I'd clarify, we help other service users to talk to their banks. Procedure is that we are with them in person when they call, the service user calls the bank and goes through the identity confirmation process and then gives permission for staff to speak on their behalf. We then speak but the service user stays beside staff to give directions and answers. This protects your personal information and gives you full access to what's going on. Barry didn't quite clarify that, looking back at texts, he may have assumed you knew process, hence him mentioning needing details and permissions but not clarifying we would need to be in your presence to do so. Hope that reassures you! Absolutely understand your suspicions based on above texts but please be assured you can be confident in our respect of your personal and financial security. Hope you get it sorted! Let us know if you still have dramas. We could see bout doing the phone support as outlined in this text or organise taking you to the bank to sort and dropping you home. Regards, Paul”

My reply to my son

“They're offer to take you to bank and drop you back might be best thing as it could be sorted in minutes rather than hours”

From my son

“I have NOTHING to sedate me. The Lyrica is almost completely out of my system and it's already a mild sedative compared to clonazepam. Where the fuck is this 'emergency prescription' I can have 'whenever I need it that Darragh tried to bribe me with to stop me going to the police”

My Reply to my son

“Do you want me to text them asking for it to be delivered to you so you can get to bank”

Me to my son

“Ok so you need a plan B. Focus on sorting the bank out, nothing else. Only you can fix this as this could go on for a long time if you don't. I'm going to ring bank again to find out why you were told you would get a call back from Vicky when I was told she could not make outgoing calls”

From my son, a forwarded text he received from Gheel Outreach phone

“Yeah, see what you mean, we shouldn't be needing those details unless we are next to you and you need us to enter those details online. think he was meaning if you wanting us to login online for you as an option, but again that would be staff going on line but with you along side him. He didn't clarify that with you, again I'd say he assumed based on one other service user who gets us to do that online with him. I'll remind all staff to ensure they are clearer about this in future so as to not cause anger and distress, and not leave themselves open to suspicion too as well as ensuring service users are confident their financial security is assured. In fact, I'll report to Darragh he needs to advise all staff to be careful in how they say things and to clarify carefully so there is no misunderstanding or distress caused. It's actually good you've brought it this up in this way, makes sure we sharpen up our communication and support process, especially with all our policies, procedures and support practices being documented for HIQA inspecting the support sector now. My apologies for this morning and I'll get Darragh to have a word about it to all staff. I'll get him to pass onto other managers and other teams to ensure they get it right too”

Me to my son

“Just spoke to guy called Aaron at the bank. Ring the bank, press 0 to by pass the automation. Tell the person on the phone you have a problem with your account and give them your bank details, then tell them you need to speak to Aaron or Vicky and hold on the line until they are free to talk to you, they both know you are going to do this so will talk to you as soon as they are free from talking to anyone else, they cannot make outward calls but are waiting for you to ring”

From my son

“I actually went to the bank with Paul as I was so sedated by the 8x2mg/16mg clonazepam that I was swaying while walking. I was texting you as Paul was telling me all about them (HIQA) and Gheels current trouble with them while we were driving back to my place”

I emailed HIQA a very long email detailing everything that happened since my son first contacted me about Gheel. It's far too long to add here. Its just basically a time line of all events and all who have been contacted by both myself and by my son.

I was shocked when my eldest told me that a member of the Outreach Team, “Patrick Kenny on August 17th had argued with him for 7 entire minutes on his doorstep about how much medication he'd received on the 12th” even though Patrick Kenny was wrong. How in gods name can an Autism Support Worker stand and argue with a service user about anything. Are they not trained and what has it got to do with him anyway, he was merely a delivery person on this date. He is not a doctor or a psychiatrist.

On October 30th my eldest had a problem with his bank card which he uses to buy his food shopping online and he has his shopping delivered weekly. He sent a text to the Outreach number at Gheel and Barry was at the other end and requested my son's bank login details, including his password. My eldest immediately texted me about it. I told him not to give anyone his password as not even the bank would request this. When he informed Barry that he would not provide these details the text reply was “if we were to ring them on your behalf, they'd likely still request them... Perhaps best for you to try calling first, if you don't mind”

The whole point that my son needs this Outreach service is for them to step in and provide a support service for things he finds uncomfortable to do himself which is why he contacted them for help regards his bank card problem. Then another text was received by my son

“Or else, staff could drop down and make call while you're there, in the event they want to speak to account holder”

My son replied “my mother, will ring the bank but you asking for my login details is seriously fucking suspicious” and “I don't know what Barry was up to but it's out of order” I did tell my son that it was probably a genuine mistake as Barry was working night shift and most likely exhausted.

6^th November email reply from HIQA

Concerns <concerns@hiqa.ie> wrote:

06 November 2015

Dear Anne,

Thank you for contacting the Health Information and Quality Authority (the Authority) where you brought information in relation to Gheel Autism Services to the attention of the Authority. Your correspondence has been forwarded to the appropriate inspector to review. The Authority was established under the Health Act 2007 to set standards for health and social care services in Ireland and to monitor compliance with these standards. Under the Health Act 2007, the Authority does not have a remit to address individual complaints in relation to health and social care services. Each service provider has a statutory responsibility to respond to complaints. I note you have contacted the service provider, this is the correct process. May I also suggest you contact Ms Leigh Gath a well known disability advocate who has been appointed as a “Confidential Recipient”, independent of the HSE. You can make a complaint or raise a concern about the care and treatment of any vulnerable person receiving care in a HSE or HSE funded facility. Her details are leigh.gath@hse.ie or Ph:1890100014. ou can obtain more information on how to complain about health and social care services in Ireland from:www.healthcomplaints.ie or you can contact either of the following organisations: HSE National Information Line on 1850 241 850 or Office of the Ombudsman on 1890 223 030. Each individual’s experience of the health and social care service is an invaluable source of information to the Authority. The Authority reviews all information received on the safety and quality of services, as it could indicate that a service provider may not be complying with standards and or regulations. The Authority will use the information you have provided to inform the Authority’s ongoing monitoring and enforcement programmes. It is the policy of the Authority to hold your contact details and the information provided in confidence. Personal details or material facts which may reveal identity will not be disclosed without first seeking your permission.

I would like to thank you, once again, for bringing this matter to the attention of the Authority.

Yours sincerely,

Francesca Kelly

IHC Coordinator

Health Information and Quality Authority

Email from my son about the HIQA reply
“May I also suggest you contact Ms Leigh Gath a well known disability advocate who has been appointed as a “Confidential Recipient”, independent of the HSE. You can make a complaint or raise a concern about the care and treatment of any vulnerable person receiving care in a HSE or HSE funded facility. Her details are leigh.gath@hse.ie or Ph:1890100014”

I already have a Disability Advocate in the form of J.

“You can obtain more information on how to complain about health and social care services in Ireland from: www.healthcomplaints.ie or you can contact either of the following organisations: HSE National Information Line on 1850 241 850 or Office of the Ombudsman on 1890 223 030”

N already contacted the HSE National Information Line and all he managed to do is put me in touch with Anne O'Loughlin (the Ombudsman one is new, though.) She's telling you to submit a complaint that has already been submitted, which they failed to investigate at all. It looks like it's down to J at this point. I think he'll read your HSE and HIQA complaints and take them seriously, unlike either the HSE or HIQA”

4^th November

In work and non stop texts from son about a “missing delivery note” Said he's “exhausted and sweating with hunger” I am raging at him, I've texted him repeatedly to tell me what shopping he needs and I'll get it delivered to him. He's now got the hump with me.

Night school. I don't know how the fuck I'm coping with a day job, a night job and college. One thing I do know for certain, I'm not built for stress of any description any more. It takes you apart layer by layer till all you feel is raw fear and an exposed vulnerability. Like you have a huge sign on your head saying WIPE FEET HERE so every bugger on the planet will go ahead and do so.

6^th November

Son texting me that his PIN number for bank is okay now and “have you done anything Re: HIQA”

My friend rang, “I think he should be encouraged to link in with Advocate and give you some peace, I can hear in your voice how it's affecting you”

9^th November

Son is in bad mood, I apparently read his text “wrong” and not as he wrote it. Fucking shoot me now. I must have gone crazy because I do not understand what that means. I've been reading the English language for nigh on 50 plus years now so how can I read something “wrong” FFS

12^th November

Son texting that he's going to two gigs but is in lot of pain and wants me to go down to him with painkillers.

Me to my son

“I think you need to see the doctor to find out what it is”

From my son

“I'll see a doctor if push comes to shove but for the moment I want to see how it goes. What time will you be round this morning with the muscle relaxants and painkillers?”

From me to my son

“I'll text you when I am leaving the house as it will take me 20 mins to get down your way by bus” The painkillers are Codipar and the muscle relaxants are Anxicalm  2 mg tablets. I also have a strip of Bisop beta blockers in case you run out of them. There is only 2 Tramadol capsules. If there is anything else you want me to pick up for you once I am out, let me know, I will text you when I get the bus”

From my son

“You lied about the medication you had because you wanted to come and see me. I've told you twice that Paracetemol is so weak that it won't even cure the headache I've got now. The beta blockers aren't propranolol so I'd be insane to take them in combination with what I have now, if your blood pressure drops too low it leads to a heart attack. What were you thinking? Why do you do this?”

I lost my temper with my son and sent him a reply email:

My incensed reply to my son “"Why do you do this?" Why do I try to help more like. I did not lie at all. You tell me that you are in pain and I find what I have and tell you about them. I have asked if you wanted to go see the GP, I have asked if you wanted an ambulance or if you want D Doc to visit you re the "severe pain" you told me you were having. Why would you think I want to see you when I said I would just drop them off, you told me to knock on your window. I still shake with fear over all you did to me over the years. The only time you contact me is to help you and when I do try I still fail in your eyes. There is nothing stopping you from getting medical help via yourself or via Gheel. I work two jobs which are manual and I go to college in the evening and my only morning off has been spent trying to help you and all I get is the energy sucked out of me. I am sorry you're in pain and I'm sorry I failed yet again to live up to your standards. You are the most difficult character to deal with and not even a saint would get a kind word from you but despite all that I still love you, even tho you think and feel the opposite. I just could not cope any longer, I do not know how to help you and when I do try it is always met with resistance. You need to read the Asperger Experts link I sent you weeks ago as it may be a start in self help from two guys who have lived your life. I need to get to work now”

From my son “I've already texted Gheel outreach asking for the Abilify prescription. I want this to end”

Email my son received from Advocacy.ie that he forwarded to me

“From: "J
Date: 13 Nov 2015 4:04 p Subject: Re: Enquiry with national advocacy service

“Hi, I wanted to mail to update you and to keep you informed as to where things are at. As per my previous mail, I followed up with your mother and requested a copy of the complaints she compiled which she forward to me. I have reviewed these and discussed them with my manager, but given the detail involved I have subsequently forwarded them on to her for further consideration as I did not want her to have any details missing when considering what, if any supports we can offer. I am due to meet with her next Wednesday and will follow up with you after that, kind regards, J”

16^th November at 1.26pm text from my son

“I've only been given 4 x 2mg of Clonazepam out of the 6 I need. They patched over (with a sticker) where they slit open the packet”

16^th November at 1.28pm text from my son

“They aren't missing. They were removed”

16^th November at 1.34pm I sent Gheel out reach phone a text

“Son's delivery of meds is short of 2 x Clonazepan with no explanation as to why. Can you contact him and let him know when he will have them. His prescription is for 6 x Clonazepam, not 4. Someone has slit the packet and covered the slit with a sticker”

16^th November at 1.39pm from Gheel outreach to me

“Hi Anne, I'll get back onto “son” and get it sorted. Thank you for your text. James”

16^th November at 1.43pm from Gheel outreach to my son

“Ok. I'll have to find out who done that. I will drop 2 Clonazepam into at about 4pm, is that ok?

16^th November at 3.20pm I sent Gheel out reach another text

“James, my son just texted me. He doesn't know what prn means. His prescription of Clonazepam is a benzo, which was prescribed for him in the dose he receives. No one has the authority to reduce this without careful monitoring of his health due to prior withdrawal he endured. Benzo withdrawal is dangerous. I want to know who the person is that made this decision without “my son” knowing anything about it before I call the Garda. You are seriously putting the health, welfare and safety of my son at risk. I await your reply”

16^th November at 3.24pm text received from James at Gheel outreach

“I am just in the process of explaining things to “son” He is no danger of withdrawal as he has adequate medication. Thanks Anne. James”

16^th November at 3.24pm I sent James at Gheel outreach phone a text

“I hope you are a doctor and have given him a full health check since deciding to reduce his meds without his knowledge or agreement”

16^th November at 3.27pm text I received from James at Gheel outreach

“His meds are not reduced”

16^th November at 3.27pm text from son

“Just ignored a phone call from them. Only communicate via text so I have a record”

16^th November at 3.31pm text from son

“The packet cut open (with Clonazepam removed) is dated the 19^th of this month. I was only given extra meds to go out with Paul on the 30th”

16^th November at 3.37pm another text I sent to James at Gheel outreach

“Since the 11^th of May “my son” has been given 6 x Clonazepam on Mondays and 8 on Thursdays. He received an emergency prescription to go to the bank with Paul because his bank card would no longer work for him, he needed this emergency prescription because his anxiety and adrenalin levels were huge as he had no shopping delivered due to a non working bank card, his anxiety levels counter acted the meds he'd taken which is why he was given an emergency prescription. I have asked you once and I'll ask again, who is responsible for opening and removing 2 of his Clonazepam and on who's authority”

16^th November at 3.49pm text to me from James at Gheel Outreach

“The medication that “son” received when going to sort his bank card are the ones missing from the pouch”

16^th November at 3.51pm another text I sent to James at Gheel outreach

“The clue is in the word “emergency” I require the name of the person who made this decision without my son's knowledge or consent. My third time of asking you”

16^th November at 4.03pm text to me from James at Gheel outreach

“The medication was taken for “son's” use. He received them”

16^th November at 4.08pm another text I sent to James at Gheel outreach

“My son is missing 2 Clonazepam for the 19th, I am still awaiting the name of the person who made this decision. Darragh Byrne told my son on August 15 that there was an emergency prescription from Prof Fitzgerald for “emergency use” that he could avail of, which happened on the 30^th. This is a separate prescription to his weekly deliveries. Confirm with Darragh Byrne if you have to. Do not treat my son as having no rights or sense and get your facts right before you put my son at risk”

My son texted Gheel outreach phone at 4.14pm

“Please tell me Peter Byrne's number. I want it clear that I do not want him calling me. I just want his number so I can hand it over when asked”

My son got a reply to the above text from James, Gheel outreach worker

“Hi, I've just spoke to the Gheel nurse and she has informed me that the reason the (2 meds) were taken from the pouch was that the prescription for the emergency medication had not come thru at the time you needed them. It was Darragh who made the decision to take the (2 meds)  from the pouch with a view to replacing them. The Gheel nurse has informed me that she has arranged your medication for Thursday which will have the replacement (2 meds) and one for emergency. I hope this clears thing up. James”

James a social care outreach worker was asked 6 times in total who had opened the medication that was sealed and on whose authority had it been done. Only after my son had asked for the CEO's phone number did he get the real story. James did not provide the CEO's phone number to my son"

Me to my son

“Can you write and tell me in a paragraph what severe anxiety personally feels like for you, I want to drive it home the effect of something like this happening out of the blue made you feel and why they, the so called experts should have known better than to do what they did today”

From my son

“No need for a paragraph. Two words: Pure terror”

My son emailed J from Advocacy.ie

“On the 19th of October I received an email from Anne O'Loughlin where she said she'd be in touch by Friday the 23rd of October. I had no contact since that email. I had a major problem with Gheel today regarding their abuse of power over my prescription. Anxiety, for me, means pure terror. Your website states: “NAS works to ensure that when life decisions are made, due consideration is given to the will and preference of people with disabilities and that their rights are safeguarded” but I do not feel safeguarded. At 1:21pm today my prescription was dropped off by a Gheel Residential Outreach team member named James, who was also at my address to collect a lease I'd signed for the flat I live in. My prescription is almost always handed to me in tiny brown envelopes. These envelopes contain sealed, plastic packets which hold my medication. I always take the envelope, shut the door and then go back inside to tear open the packets and sort the three different types of prescription meds into old pill bottles. This is the moment I find out that some of my meds are missing whenever Gheel decide to withhold them (this must be the 7th time they've done so since August by this point. I've honestly lost count.) I was not told by James that someone had cut open and removed 2x2mg clonazepam tablets and then sealed the packet containing those tablets with a sticker. I sent my mum a text about it and she contacted Gheel to ask why no explanation had been given to me regards the opened/resealed packet and the meds missing from it. I then got a text from James saying he would find out who had done this and he would drop the missing tablets to me at "about 4:00pm." I had another text from him claiming that they had been removed so I could use them as "PRN." I did not know what this meant until texting mum. I panicked as I thought I would be forced into benzo withdrawal yet again. I had sent most of the Residential Outreach staff the video I sent you of that man dying due to his own experience with benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. My mum then started texting James looking for an explanation. She was sent a text telling her that I was in no danger of withdrawal as I had "adequate medication." James is a social care worker, not a qualified doctor and even if he was one he is completely unfamiliar with my case (i.e. proper dosage as well as my dosing schedule.) He also claimed that my meds had not been "reduced" so I took a photo of the packets (which I hadn't opened yet) to prove they had removed 2x2mg clonazepam. I was then sent a text from James saying my meds are not "reduced," they are "missing" because I had been given an emergency prescription on 30th of October (16 days earlier.) This is a lie, I was told by Darragh Byrne on the 21st of August that the emergency prescription was nothing to do with my weekly prescription, but was extra for whenever I needed it, but that Gheel would hold it. I had to access this 'emergency prescription' on the 30th of October so I could leave my flat to sort out a problem with my card at the bank. My mum asked James three times who was responsible for cutting open and removing my meds and on whose authority they did so. She was not given any name. I asked twice for the name of the person who did this and I was not told either. I also asked James for the phone number of Peter Byrne, the CEO of Gheel, and I was ignored. This was done to me without my knowledge or consent and I am sick of it. I do not have rights as Gheel are above the law; doing what they like when and how they like with the medication that I need in order to avoid major anxiety the likes of which I had to go through all day today as well as horrific, health-damaging withdrawal caused by abrupt cuts to my doses or dosing schedule. I eventually received a text, with a poor excuse for an explanation, at 5:09pm (but I doubt I would have received any explanation at all if I hadn't persisted.) It has drained me and left me with a headache from exhaustion as all I could do was panic all day as Gheel's higher-ups (Peter and Darragh Byrne) expected me to go without my prescription medication. The explanation I was given was bullshit and had several holes in it, each of which indicated clearly that I was lied to multiple times, but I'm just too tired now to point these holes out. I can't keep living like this. My next dose isn't until Thursday. I'm not going to sleep very well over the next few days, if at all”

17^th November My email to my son

“I have to say them getting you an appointment with the professor was pretty quick but it's your call whether you go or not, might be worth going and telling him to get Darragh Byrne to stop acting like a doctor and messing around with your medication or you will get yourself a solicitor. And have proof of you telling him this if you do go. You do need to think long and hard about anti psychotics tho but I suppose you have researched them thoroughly.  As soon as I woke up this morning I thought that if all them at Gheel can treat you this way and you have a high IQ, how are they treating the poor sods with no communication, they are not doctors, fuck sake they advertise for people on C.E schemes who have no bloody training or experience at all to be their Social Care workers. I am raging at that twat James telling me “he's in no danger of withdrawal as he has adequate medication" how the hell does he know anything about these meds if he aint a doctor and how does he know the effect on you going without has on you.

From Gheel webpage http://www.gheel.ie/?page_id=32 last one says "give people choices, not boundaries"

From my son

“Prof Fitzgerald is a very elderly and not particularly attentive man. I will not see him and I will have nothing to do with Gheel regarding meds from now on. I will not respond to texts from them on Mondays and Thursdays. I will be treated better in prison”

19^th November

My email to Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie

“Dear Anne O'Loughlin, I am writing to you regarding my son. You emailed him on 4th September 2015 and told him to be assured that you would take his allegations of Carer Abuse seriously and would carry out a comprehensive assessment of his allegations. To this date you have not once spoken to my son, he sent you two emails which you did not acknowledge and you also received two voice mails from me and also an email from me asking you to contact my son directly as you had failed to do so on the date you had given him.

On the 19th October,  you sent my son this email and you also sent it to me. I was unaware at this time that not once had you spoken personally with my son but it appears you were very active in speaking to all and sundry at Gheel Autism and came to your conclusion without speaking at all to the person who you assured on the 4th of September that you “will take your allegation seriously and carry out a comprehensive assessment of this allegation” how did you perform this task without talking to my son who has accused Gheel staff of Carer Abuse. Are the professionals the only people with rights. It appears my son has no rights at all. His medication is still being tampered with, removed, withheld, call it what you will by people who are not medically trained nor qualified but think they can do what they want, when they want without the consent or knowledge of my son. My son has a very high IQ, he has Aspergers Syndrome and Agoraphobia and he is supposed to be living independently. Gheels Outreach workers are simply couriers to facilitate the delivery of his medication due to his agoraphobia but do not appear to be able to do this without abuse of my sons rights. You further told him by email on the 19th of October “I contacted the HSE in Dublin North Central to try to arrange that another organisation deliver the medication on a weekly basis i.e. on aMonday, so that Gheel Services would no longer be involved in the delivery/courie r of your prescribed medication. If this is not feasible I am trying to source a pharmacy that can deliver medication or organise that another service deliver to you weekly. I will also need to source the funding required for this task. I hope to have a decision on this by Friday 23rd October and will communicate with you on the future plan to deliver your medication and the schedule around this” It is now the 18th of November and nothing of which you stated has been done for him. Why not?

It is a disgrace that you did not even speak to him but merely listened to a service whose first port of call is protection of themselves whilst in receipt of over 6 Million Euro per annum from the tax payer. It is a disgrace that my son does not know when the new regime of delivery of his meds will take place as it appears to have been forgotten, swept under the carpet. It is a disgrace that the Outreach staff and the Outreach Manager who surprise, surprise happens to be the CEO's son can do what ever the hell they please regarding my sons medication with no come back whatsoever. We thought you were part of a safeguarding team who would safeguard my sons rights, it appears that you have failed him as the abuse of power which my son alleges is still taking place and happened this week without his knowledge nor consent and the following are his own words to an Independent person, perhaps you would like to know how it feels to be a Service User with an agency who ride roughshod over you and repeatedly breach your rights.

My son own words:

On the 19th of October I received an email from Anne O'Loughlin where she said she'd be in touch by Friday the 23rd of October. I had no contact since that email.

I had a major problem with Gheel today regarding their abuse of power over my prescription. Anxiety, for me, means pure terror.

Your website states: “NAS works to ensure that when life decisions are made, due consideration is given to the will and preference of people with disabilities and that their rights are safeguarded” but I do not feel safeguarded.

At 1:21pm today my prescription was dropped off by a Gheel Residential Outreach team member named James, who was also at my address to collect a lease I'd signed for the flat I live in. My prescription is almost always handed to me in tiny brown envelopes. These envelopes contain sealed, plastic packets which hold my medication. I always take the envelope, shut the door and then go back inside to tear open the packets and sort the three different types of prescription meds into old pill bottles. This is the moment when I get to find out that some of my meds are missing whenever Gheel decide to withhold them (this must be the 7th time they've done so since August by this point. I've honestly lost count.)

I was not told by James that someone had cut open and removed 2x2mg clonazepam tablets and then sealed the packet containing those tablets with a sticker. I sent my mum a text about it and she contacted Gheel to ask why no explanation had been given to me regards the opened/resealed packet and the meds missing from it.

I then got a text from James saying he would find out who had done this and he would drop the missing tablets to me at "about 4:00pm." I had another text from him claiming that they had been removed so I could use them as "PRN." I did not know what this meant until texting mum. I panicked as I thought I would be forced into benzo withdrawal yet again. I had sent most of the Residential Outreach staff the video I sent you of that man dying due to his own experience with benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome.

My mum then started texting James looking for an explanation. She was sent a text telling her that I was in no danger of withdrawal as I had "adequate medication." James is a social care worker, not a qualified doctor and even if he was one he is completely unfamiliar with my case (i.e. proper dosage as well as my dosing schedule.) He also claimed that my meds had not been "reduced" so I took a photo of the packets (which I hadn't opened yet) to prove they had removed 2x2mg clonazepam.

I was then sent a text from James saying my meds are not "reduced," they are "missing" because I had been given an emergency prescription on 30th of October (16 days earlier.)This is a lie, as I was told by Darragh Byrne on the 21st of August that the emergency prescription was nothing to do with my weekly prescription, but was extra for whenever I needed it, but that Gheel would hold it. I had to access this 'emergency prescription' on the 30th of October so I could leave my flat to sort out a problem with my card at the bank.

My mum asked James three times who was responsible for cutting open and removing my meds and on whose authority they did so. She was not given any name. I asked twice for the name of the person who did this and I was not told either. I also asked James for the phone number of Peter Byrne, the CEO of Gheel, and I was ignored.

This was done to me without my knowledge or consent and I am sick of it. I do not have rights as Gheel are above the law; doing what they like when and how they like with the medication that I need in order to avoid major anxiety the likes of which I had to go through all day today as well as horrific, health-damaging withdrawal caused by abrupt cuts to my doses or dosing schedule.

I eventually received a text, with a poor excuse for an explanation, at 5:09pm (but I doubt I would have received any explanation at all if I hadn't persisted.) It has drained me and left me with a headache from exhaustion as all I could do was panic all day as Gheel's higher-ups (Peter and Darragh Byrne) expected me to go without my prescription medication. The explanation I was given was bullshit and had several holes in it, each of which indicated clearly that I was lied to multiple times, but I'm just too tired now to point these holes out. I can't keep living like this.

My next dose isn't until Thursday. I'm not going to sleep very well over the next few days, if at all”

I would like you to please note the fact that my son's medication was tampered with without his knowledge nor consent, in fact he was not even told about this. I would like you to please note that my son twice asked James a Gheel Outreach worker for the name of the person who authorised and who opened and removed his medication but he was not told. I would like you to please note that I asked this same Outreach worker three times on my son's behalf who the person responsible was and I did not get any response. I would like you to please note that my son asked James from the Outreach team for the telephone number of the CEO of Gheel Peter Byrne and was ignored and was not given this number. I would like you to please note from my son's own words above that the eventual explanation came via text at 5.09pm which my son states in response that he was lied to and this explanation came 4 hours after he found out his medication had been tampered with. I would like you to please note from my son's own words the impact this had on him physically and emotionally for the 4 hours whilst he panicked. I would like you to explain why you held your extensive and comprehensive investigation into my sons's allegations of carer abuse without speaking to my son and I would like an answer. CC Tony O'Brien

Email to my son

“I just rang Pat Healy's office and spoke to a woman called Daire Scanlon, who is just lovely.  I gave her your number. She is going to talk to some people about all I told her re Gheel, please answer your phone if it rings”

My email to my son

“Had three missed calls from Padraig now, I spelled it wrong last time, I have an awful migraine so have had to cancel going to work. I just spoke to that chap and he is lovely, I told him I would send him the email sent to Anne O'Loughlin today and he wants to see the text you got from James and I said I would send him the screen shot of the meds that were interfered with too. Seems like someone is at last doing something”

From my son

“That's fantastic. I hope it leads somewhere”

I sent the email I sent Annem.oloughlin@hse.ie to Padraig who works for the HSE plus a screen shot that my eldest took of his conversation with Gheel worker James. Padraig had requested these from me.

“James, Gheel's Outreach worker appeared to have the stance that my son in fact owed these meds because he'd previously been given them to leave his flat on an emergency basis when in fact the emergency prescription was completely separate. If people are working for an Autism Service they must learn and understand how that person lives being on such high alert all the time as is their norm and how anything which upsets "their apple cart" impacts on them which my son explains in the email I sent to Anne O'Loughlin. Thank you Padraig

My son forwarded me the email he got from J his advocate

Hi, Thanks for the update. I appreciate that it can’t have been easy to write given the anxiety you were feeling at the time. As per my previous mail I spoke to my manager in relation to your enquiry and am mailing to come back to you in relation to it. You expressed when I queried as to the goals you would like to pursue, that you would like to see Peter and Darragh Byrne jailed and Professor Fitzgerald disbarred for abuse of power/ clinical malpractice. So that you are clear NAS is not a legal advocacy service, but rather provides representative advocacy so I can not comment on whether Gheels practice might be deemed clinical or medical malpractice from a legal perspective. Following from that I think it is important that you are clear that we could not directly support you to take any legal case against Gheel or professor Fitzgerald but indirectly could support you to instruct a solicitor in relation to same. With the first step in that process being to seek a legal opinion in relation to the merits of the case you would like to bring. I am aware from the mail your mother forwarded me that your difficulties with Gheel have already been considered by the Gardai and were not at that time deemed by the Garda involved to be a criminal matter, but that potential medical or clinical malpractice was mentioned at that time.   If you are focused on pursuing this, we could offer to support you to link in with a legal practice to query them on the merits of your enquiry within a legal context, and whether it would be considered before the courts and would have a reasonable chance of success. While we can not recommend one practice over another, and you can of course go with seeking advice from any practice, we have had previous dealings with a legal practice who are recognised as having expertise in the area of disability rights, and they have been suggested to me as the most appropriate practice to offer advice in relation to your enquiry and the goals you have put forward. They run information and advice clinics, and are also open to phone consultation in relation to enquiries. I attach below the url for information from their site for your consideration:

http://www.kodlyons.ie/index.php/news/single/disability_legal_rights_clinic_wednesday_afternoons_2pm_5pm

With regards to linking in with KOD Lyons I would see that support would consist of forwarding to them a copy of your enquiry, the complaint already submitted to the HSE and HIQA and a cover letter from our service in relation to it to act as a summary to the enquiry, which I will draft and send to you for consideration prior to sending on.

Based on the feedback from KOD Lyons in relation to your enquiry we could have a further discussion around what you want to do about the issues you are having with Gheel at present. Let me know you thoughts and we can take things from there, so I to be clear as to responses, I don't work Thursday and am tied up with appointments Friday, so it will be early next week before I am back to you on any response, kind regards, J”

18^th November email to my son from me

“What's your thoughts on this? I do not know what KOD Lyons means, do you?”

From my son

“It's a legal firm, I think. Haven't checked it out, yet. I'm a bit concerned that my advocate doesn't want to be seen advocating for me when it comes to the law. That's not right at all.

My reply to my son

“He's not legal, he is disability rights. I think if the meds were delivered directly to you with Gheel having no interference with them, then this would be a huge weight off you and and also having someone independent of Gheel you could pick up phone to deal with Gheel on your behalf would also help. It's pretty simple really so I do not know why it cannot happen that way.

From my son

“Gheel should not be involved in my prescription in any way shape or form. I want everything through my GP but apparently he told O'Loughlin that he didn't want to take over from Prof Fitzgerald”

Me to my son

“Once Padraig has got back to me I am going to ask him to phone the GP and find out what he is playing at or he will be getting reported to the Medical Council for neglect of duty and care re his patient”

From my son
“He neglected me when I first went to see him and he backed away saying he couldn't overrule a specialist (Fitzgerald) and that I should talk to Peter Byrne (not a specialist or even a doctor.)”

From my son

“Today's meds with my non-existent emergency prescription”

Email from me to my son

“From what I can gather re excuse about missing meds from 19th is that they "borrowed" the meds from your normal supply and then wanted to put them back. Why there was not an emergency prescription as you had previously been told by Darragh Byrne is a mystery, I think now he merely used that as a way to get you to re engage with them, then Paul gave you 8 by mistake so they would need to officially sort that out as per the documentation they hold but they can't as he messed up by giving you 8 instead of 4. They will not hand you any emergency meds as it is for when you go out, as in gigs, they said, so I don't know why you expected extra today, I think they meant they would get extra to replace the emergency ones that they apparently hold at Gheel. I have heard didley squat from Anne O'Loughlin in reply, what a surprise”

From my son

“What about Padraig?”

From me to my son

“Not a word back from him but he did say he is based in Donegal and was only in Dublin for the day standing in for Gerry. I have not had any acknowledgement re the forwarding of email to Anne O'Loughlin or the screen shots but I think he will just hand all over to Gerry. I listened to the voicemail Gerry left and he works for Socialcare.ie, that is Pat Healy's domain. The advocate gave you his contact details before by email, it's just his email addy is @hse.ie so I feel better about that.

I'll let you know as soon as I hear from either him or Gerry but I do think that you will get the call first as the email I forwarded explains all going on for you re abuse of power via Gheel”

24^th November

Email from my son. Subject Line “No concert tomorrow. Hope you're happy”

“A tacit admission that this emergency prescription doesn't even exist, via Tim. Go ahead and pretend you don't understand a fucking word I'm saying, again. I've swallowed all of my Lyrica and I'm going to order some absinthe tomorrow so I have the balls to inject myself with some insulin.

My reply to my son
“You know I work all day Tuesday's. The bloke called Tim readily admits he does not know and I reminded you to put in the order for the emergency prescription over a week ago when you first mentioned the gig. If you have the email addresses for Gheel Outreach workers who have delivered your meds before gigs before,  email them telling them how much and when they did so. How much Lyrica have you taken today? What on earth are you doing with Insulin? You are just angry and will end up in hospital in a bad way which you will hate”

From my son to me

“Gheel do not check their emails unless prompted via text as they use a shitty web-based email software rather than Gmail. They never intended to let me go to the gig. The "emergency prescription" that I can use "whenever I need it, for gigs and things" is just 4mg (2 pills) despite the fact they know I need 10x2mg for these crowded shows. Darragh is a spiteful, evil bastard and I cannot live like this any longer”

From me to my son

“I'm sending help”

24^th November, Text I sent to Gheel outreach at 6.38pm

“Who is on duty. My son is making some serious threats of self harm. He wrote the email at 11.12am but I've just read it now at 6.38pm”

24^th November

Text I sent to Gheel outreach at 6.59pm

“I've sent Garda to his address”

24^th November

Text to me from Gheel Outreach phone at 7.04pm

“Hi Anne, Paul here. I'll head round there now. What was in email??”

24^th November

Text from my son at 7.06pm

“Had a phone call from the Garda station saying they were going to call an ambulance. You have never stopped betraying me”

24^th November

Text I sent to Gheel outreach at 7.08pm

“He's very angry about no emergency script so no concert tomorrow. He's swallowed week worth of Lyrica and has Insulin that he plans to kill himself with tomorrow. The Garda just rang him, said he sounds upbeat but he would do after all that Lyrica. Garda car going to him now”

24^th November

Text received from Gheel outreach at 7.12pm

“Ok. I'll see if he'll talk to me”

24^th November at 9.28pm

Text from son

“Had 2 Garda at door and spoke to Paul for 2 hours. I gave him the tickets and asked him to give them away. He said he had a meeting on Thursday and would bring up my complaints about Darragh and stand up for me”

24^th November

Text received from Gheel outreach at 9.33pm

“Spoke to him for cpl hours there. Garda dropped by. He's frustrated with everything. He's safe. Paul”

24^th November

Text I sent to Gheel outreach at 9.34pm

Thanks. He's texting me. Does he still have the Insulin? He must have bought it online, he knows what kind of death it causes, he's emailed me about it”

24^th November

Text received from Gheel outreach at 9.42pm

“Think so but I don't think he'll use it. He's fed up but looking at other options to sort what's going on”

From me to my son

“My credit is low. I could not have sat on that information you gave me and I am glad the Garda visited to make sure you would be ok. Would having a few drinks beforehand have helped you go to the gig if you did not have the amount of meds you needed. I am asking because I don't know. I was thinking it might be better having a plan B. Just a suggestion. I hope Paul is true to his word but hope too you will be clearer in stating your needs to them via Paul, you may have done so already, I do not know. My friend in London, E's partner killed himself with an Insulin overdose, it was awful and was not quick, no matter what investigations you read online about it. I hope Paul gets thru to that lot for you. Did you get any call from anyone at Social care? I had no reply from Anne O'Loughlin”

From me to my son

“There is still time to change your mind about the concert if you could have booze before hand instead of meds, is that viable, Paul will not give the tickets away”

From me to my son

“I hardly meant pissed. Three would make you relaxed and less inhibited. I could get it for you in the morning and text Paul to drop off the tickets in the morning and arrange someone you get on with to go with you. You cannot give up this chance to go especially when you have looked so forward to going to it. Did you get the chance to talk to Paul about the extra meds you need to just get you out the door”

From me to my son

“Ok, done. I'm waiting for a reply now to see if James is still signed up to go with you tomorrow night. It is going to be lashing with rain tomorrow, do you have a winter jacket to wear. I have to go to work but not till 12 noon and then have college but can get the coat I bought you delivered. Let me know, you don't have to accept it”

24^th November

Text I sent to Gheel outreach at 10.24pm

“Paul, I think I've convinced “son” to go to the concert tomorrow and take a couple of drinks to relax him instead of depending on strong meds. Can you not give the tickets away as I think going will help his whole mindset. James was supposed to go with him. Could you please find out. This will be a huge step in the right direction for him. Thanks”

24^th November

Text received from Gheel outreach at 10.29pm

“Awesome! Great call Anne, yeah, it's still ok. James will go and tickets still available. I'll let “son” know. I'm so glad you changed his mind. I felt really disappointed for him and could tell he was disappointed too”

From me to my son

“Paul said yes, James still set to go with you so that is brilliant as I know you were really looking forward to it. Don't drink all the naggon, 3 drinks should do the trick”

I feel so drained.

25^th November

Working all day. I bought my son a beautiful grey winter wool coat so he can wear it to the gig he's going to. I sent it to him by cab.

Got text from son re coat.

“this thing is fucking enormous” followed by “A psychiatrist rang me, not interested in anything I had to say, she would not listen so I told her to fuck off” 

No reply to me asking him who the Psychiatrist was.

Was in work till 5pm then straight on to college. Lost count of how many texts son sent even tho I told him I would be in college and he's at a gig. He said “James standing at bar on his phone the whole time” and he was standing on his own next to the giant speakers. He loved it and I am delighted for him that he went. I sent him a text “I am so proud of you, let me know you get back safe and sound” I was cut to the bone when he replied “fuck telling you I'm safe” The horrible twat that he is. I never fucking learn, do I?

25^th November

My Email to Socialcare.ie

“Dear Daire Scanlon, Thank you for being so kind, helpful and pro active after I rang you on Wednesday 18^thNovember. I received a call from Padraig and gave him the history of my son as best I could via telephone. I suggested it would be better if I sent him the email I sent to Anne O'Loughlin re her “comprehensive investigation” of Gheel Autism Services when she did not speak to my son in person about his allegations of Carer Abuse and also with my son's consent I emailed Padraig various texts between my son and Gheel Outreach workers. Padraig did say he was only in Dublin for the day and was standing in for Gerry ? It is now seven days later and neither I but more importantly my son have received any kind of contact from Social Care other than the call from Padraig. It is also seven days since I emailed Anne O'Loughlin asking her for answers re her “comprehensive investigation” without speaking to my son at all re his allegations and also no reply, acknowledgement or answer from her.

I wish to inform you that my son, took an overdose of his Lyrica prescription yesterday and threatened to inject himself with Insulin. I had to call the Garda as Gheel Autism Outreach did not respond to my text sent to them at 6.38pm informing them that my son had made serious threats to harm himself. Only after I sent Gheel Autism another text at 6.59pm telling whoever was on duty that I had sent the Garda to my son's address did I get a response at 7.04pm asking me what was written in my son's email and that they would “head round there now” The Outreach worker spent two hours talking to my son and said he is “frustrated with everything but he is safe” and later texted that he “did not think my son would use the Insulin” after I wanted to know if he still had the Insulin vials in his flat. I spent over two hours emailing my son to try and get his mindset changed so he would not end his own life, he has not even lived yet as he has been in this position since 2006 and I have fought for help, service and support for him since 2009 via Gheel Autism. They are a disgrace of an agency and I agree with my son in that they lie in self protection and are paid over 6 million per year by the HSE so why would they not lie and neglect to still be in receipt of that amount of tax payers money. So if I with my big mouth and lioness attitude for my son has failed him since 2006 because no one cares then who is out there who will care when all professionals to date simply ignore him and have ignored me screaming at them to get him help and to get us answers. I am adding the email I wrote to Anne O'Loughlin last week and have had no response to and she is supposed to “safeguard” the vulnerable. Can you please tell me what to do before my son succeeds in killing himself because I will go insane if he does succeed. Thank you Daire for your help to date. Yours sincerely”

25^th November

“Dear Anne, I wish to acknowledge receipt of your email below in relation to the above.  I wish to inform you that I have forwarded your correspondence to Mr. Gerry Clerkin, Head of Quality & Safety - Social Care Division - qps.socialcare@hse.ie. Mr. Clerkin will reply to you directly. Regards, Daire Scanlon on behalf of Pat Healy, National Director Social Care,Health Service Executive”

Email to a Friend

“Hi, Hope all is good with you. I had a very scary time of it last night with my son.

He hadn't spoken to me since last Thursday but I came home from work to an email he had sent me at 11.12am yesterday morning, "Go ahead and pretend you don't understand a fucking word I'm saying, again. I've swallowed all of my Lyrica and I'm going to order some absinthe tomorrow so I have the balls to inject myself with some insulin" and he had added screen shots of texts between him and Gheel about meds he needs to go to a gig and they would not allow it but his stance is they always have done so before so why deny him now. I sent Gheel a text "“Who is on duty, my son is making some serious threats of self harm, he wrote the email at 11.12am but I've just read it now at 6.38pm” There was no reply from them.

I rang the Garda who said they would send a car down to check on him, I then got a call from the Garda who spoke to him on the phone and said he sounded happy, I said so would you if you had swallowed a week supply of strong meds and then read him my son's email to me. He agreed to go down and check on him. I then sent Gheel Outreach another text telling them the Garda were going to check on my son. At 7pm Gheel then replied asking what was in my son's email to me and when I told him he said he would head down to him. My son was not happy with me, he sent me a text saying I always betray him but after 4 hours I think I managed to convince him that he could still go to the gig if he took a few drink to relax him instead of always depending on strong meds, he said he would order a naggon with his shopping and go to the gig but I know once the week supply of meds wear off he might change his mind again. I sent Gheel a text asking Paul if my son still had the Insulin vials on him, he replied “think so but do not think he will use them” my son later said “Paul is having a meeting on Thursday and said he would stand up for me” whatever that means. I haven't heard from my son this morning and I'm heading into work. I will go insane if I just sit in the house even tho it's my day off, I also have college tonight. My nerves are really bad. I've sent those Social Care people an email telling them what happened last night and that my son has not heard from one of them since I spoke to Padraig last Wednesday and that Anne O'Loughlin who had investigated his allegations of abuse did so without speaking to him. I've asked what they intend to do to help him. I worked out why Gheel took 2 of son's meds without his consent as son sent me a text screenshot last week. Paul who was on duty last night was the one who delivered his emergency meds to get him to the bank on 30th October but he gave him 8 Clonazepam instead of 4 and as soon as he left Paul realised his mistake and sent son a text telling him so, son replied to him that it was too late as he'd taken the 8 Clonazepam the minute he closed the door on Paul. Paul freaked because the documentation only covered 4 Clonazepam so I think that Gheel must have decided to cover their mistake by taking 2 out one week and would have taken another two the next week if son had no one in his corner at all. What a mess. I am scared out of my mind that he's investigated Insulin overdose as he was clear by text in how death happens when you do inject with this and the fact that he's bought it online shows how serious he is. I just hope that the email to Social Care and the involvement of the Garda and now Paul from Gheel must all have written a report will shows them all how serious son is. Take care Friend. I had to write this all down as my head is melted and I would not have remembered it all later”

Happier sounding email from son

The show was FUCKING AMAZING. I was standing next to the left subwoofer (my left, their right) and felt all of the bass throbbing in my chest like it was coming to life but James was either hiding at the bar or the exit door for most of the gig. I WAS IN THE FRONT ROW FOR ALMOST EVERY SONG until I offered my place to someone with a really pricey-looking camera. Oh fuck I am so drunk and pumped up right now. I adore her. Going to binge on junk food and then sleep. James was cool, btw”

26^th November Email to my Friend

“Hi, Thanks. I went to work and college, my essay is due in on Dec 16th so I need to get that done asap. Son went to the concert (drunk) but I'm so happy for him that he went as he was raving about it and spent his time there texting me about all that was happening, only one text out of about 50 stung me so that's a good result. Huge light bulb moment for me, son threatens suicide every time he does not get his own way. He said a psych rang him yesterday but as she did not sound interested in him explaining his complaints about Gheel he told her to fuck off. He was brought up better than that. I will find out who it was today from him. Take care”

Email from son

“No meds. Didn't text Gheel. Will do now”

Email from son

“Texted you saying I'd just got them”

In work, son texted me “sent you an email, want you to read and do not call the Garda and want an honest reply” I sent reply text that I'm in work and won't get home till 7pm. My head was spinning, my nerves shot to pieces about “do not call the Garda.

I am so fucked off with him after reading his email.

27^th November Horrible email from son

“A few things from Paul and James that you might be interested in, plus my feelings regarding you: Paul mentioned on 24th that Darragh Byrne's sister, also works for Gheel. I was also talking to James in the car on the way to or from the gig (I was too drunk to remember which) and I mentioned that Paul once said, when I asked, how many service users they'd managed to 'fix' or return to normalcy, Paul sheepishly said "oh, uh, one, he goes to the shop on his own" or words to that effect. This was years ago (2012, I think.) I then told James that, since that conversation with Paul, I'd always wanted to ask Paul how many service users had eventually committed suicide. He then became very animated, despite being relaxed the whole way there and back, and said "None! and I hope none ever will!" (the last bit in reference to me, as you insisted on phoning the guards because I took just a week's dose of Lyrica. You have never apologised for these routine betrayals.) Anyone who involves the law in regards to you cannot be trusted. This is why I only contact you when I need help regarding Gheel. You were my very last resort; I even went to my GP first, who threw his hands in the air and admitted my appointment was a waste of time and told me to meet with Peter Byrne to beg them not to abuse my own prescription. Then I contacted “brother”, who essentially told me to fuck off. And then I (very reluctantly) got in touch with you. You're going to scream that this bloody email is "abuse" while sending me a nasty email with hand-picked so-called wrong-doings on my part and then ignore me for days on end (pure mental and emotional abuse, which you'll ignore or perhaps even deny as it's in your nature.) I've told you several times that I want to die. Just as I told the Psychiatrist from St Vincent's that you told to call me: it's bad enough living like this and Gheel are deliberately making it worse. And so are you, as you're the only person I have to talk to and you emotionally abuse me. Dad apologised to me once in 2006. You told me, in shock, that this was more than you ever got. He apologised again around January 2014 when I got in touch with him and he eventually cut off all contact with me. I only got in touch with him because I was desperate for someone in my own fucking family to talk and care about what I'm going through as I've never really had any friends and they wouldn't fucking care anyway. Dad cut off all contact with me after I pressured him to come with me to see the new Hobbit film together or just meet up and he equivocated before I eventually told him to fuck off and die for messing with my head. I have nothing and never will. I need to die. I've attached a picture as proof that this needs to end at some point. The expiry date is early next year. It needs to end before then. But I can probably get more. I wish I didn't come from a broken home. I wish I had decent parents who loved me. I'm a statistic. You'll call the Guarda again, but both doors are bolted and I have insulin syringes on my desk as well as my vial. I'll have plenty of time to jab 100ius or even 200ius before they can get to me; either dose is irreversibly lethal and will lead to a painless death in my sleep, unlike your bullshit suggestion to scare me off. I just want someone to care about me and the best you can do is call the fucking police or a shrink or the people at Gheel who are accomplices in abusing my prescription. You are soulless”

My reply email to my son. Subject line “So you want honest, here it is”

“Dear son, I have never once said that Peter Byrne threw out his Autistic son to be looked after by carers. I have no idea of that man's family history except that he was a parent who helped start up Gheel so probably had an Autistic child to start this venture. What you are probably referring to is my stance that parents with money offload their kids to others so they can continue on their career paths, I made no mention of any parent with Autism doing this.

Gheel are not a service who “fixes” people, they are a service who are paid to and are meant to provide services and supports to those with Autism and their families. It is my view, my personal experience that they fail in all claims they make.

Your email on Tuesday was read by me in the evening, I work hard and I tire easily at my age and I contacted Gheel who did not respond to me asking "who is on duty as “son” has made some serious threats of self harm" I did what any sane person would do at that given moment, I rang the Garda for advise and then informed Gheel I had done so, only then did Paul reply after I told him the Garda were going to your address to check on your well being. If Paul had replied then the Garda would not have been called. I will never apologise for trying continually to get you help and you use the term “betrayal” often and loosely and have a very short memory.

Too many people tip toe around you. I had to do so for years till I would eventually snap and tell you by email what you were doing to me and how you made me feel. I am a human too but you seem to think I am not. All professionals expected me to “crack up” long before I did.

I have told you many times I know exactly what you think of me, I had it in my face often enough, you just need someone to hate and that someone is me, a psychologist once called me a “rescue mum” because “no matter how your kids treat you, you always come to their rescue and fight their battles” That got me nowhere, not even love and respect from those who should have loved me unconditionally. Another Consultant Psychiatrist informed me that “most mothers are treasured as they are the first person kids love” You did indeed love me up to the age of 12 when you and Dad leapt into one camp against me and youngest in the cottage, I forget nothing, I have a photographic memory for things that hurt me emotionally, and you decided that being in dad's camp was better than being with the only person who loved and cared for you. I cannot explain in one paragraph but that was the start of me losing my mind and I kept journals, not records, as even having a photographic memory during that time would render anyone doo laley. I am going to send those journals to you as they were written as happened and not as some fairy tale, it's up to you if you read them or not but I know the truth, I lived it. Having a selective memory does not make you right and me wrong.

And for the record the Garda are protectors of all society and nothing will stop me contacting them in protection of you. That is not a matter of trust but of protection.

I do not scream so no I wont be “screaming that this bloody email is abuse” I know what real abuse is. I have no intention of hand-picking any wrong doing. I have no intention of ignoring you for days on end, I am simply busy and if I do not hear from you then I have nothing to reply to, I keep replies on an as needed basis.

You have told me since age 15 that you wanted to die but outright lied to any psychiatrist, psychologist or Consultant Psychiatrist you would see. This is your life and only you can change it but you have done very little to help yourself, you texted me to be honest with you and so I am being so because despite your hatred of me it is all I can be and all I will ever be is totally honest, you just never liked that honesty.

What Psychiatrist did I tell you to call at St Vincent's because I have no recall about that?

Your Dad in all honesty is a basket case, he has never felt love for anyone other than himself, he does not know how to be a dad and if his family had informed me prior to marriage all they knew regard his mental health then I would have ran for the hills and not gone near him with a barge pole. Aunty filled me in about this 3 years ago, she wanted to tell me in 1989 but was dissuaded by his mother. His ex girlfriend also informed me after harassing me for over a year with 2,000 texts and 2,000 emails that she told him, not to keep in contact with you and said you told him to “fuck off and die” by email when he would not come and stay with you and be diagnosed by Gheel. (Her words) All your dad wants is a woman and zero responsibility which is why he would not pay maintenance to put food in your belly or clothes on your back but I bloody did and he hid three quarters of a million Euro but I'm the hated one, strange that. And in one fell swoop he apologises to you and all is forgiven. Strange world we live in. It's your life and you get to choose whether you live or not.

You have nothing because you do nothing, nothing to help yourself, nothing to change your life, nothing to strive or reach for. No matter what anyone does for you is never good enough. All you want to do is fight and argue or test people and still those people fail. How about you fight, argue and help others. Do others not deserve that. There is no test on earth that I could ever pass in your eyes, has it ever dawned on you as an adult that I, your mother needs help and support too at times.

I am sorry, yes an apology, that you come from a broken home. I never wanted my marriage to fail or end, I loved that man, I loved and adored him but that was what your father wanted, he met some bird in County L and instead of just telling me about it, he was cruel, as cruel as you are to me always, he drove me out by never giving me a penny to my name from 2002 to 2005, me an independent woman who had three jobs in England reduced to a quivering wreck, I'm sure that your mind will spark some recollection if you try hard enough.

This parent, your mother, loved and loves you but all these words will do is make you angry but aren’t you always angry anyway. Do you know that I'm outgoing, extremely funny and friendly and loved by many people just for my personalty, I am a people person, always have been and always will be, but you, your father and your brother very nearly destroyed me by your actions, words, behaviour and indifference to me. In my own words, you all took the colour from me and left me a shadow of my former self. I have been with no one else in 10 years, I trust no one as those who should have loved me above all others did not. You continually pushed my love away with your anger and your behaviour, I always made excuses for you by thinking you were just embarrassed as I'm a very tactile person but you were conceived by me and you grew in me and I loved you in my womb and on giving birth. You were conceived in love. You are loved but you reject my love, you reject all and any kindness or love shown to you and you react to that with sheer cruelty. There is only so much cruelty a person, a mother can take.

This is going to be harsh now but you have got to wake the fuck up and smell the roses. You are wasting what life you have. You are depressed and need help for that depression, you need to ask for it, scream for it, no one is going to come banging on your door offering it, how many more years are you going to waste, where the hell is the boy who wanted to be in a rock band, be a lawyer, be a politician, be a soldier, you have to work to achieve anything. Nothing is going to land on your plate. You have got lazy, you get the hump and want others to do your bidding or else!

You should know your mother by now, I aint walking on no more egg shells, I only have one life too and it has turned out crap but it's mine to do as I wish and I want it peaceful at all times.

Put up or shut up son, I will support you and fight for you tooth and nail but we are either a family or we are not.

In my view you are, as I said before, depressed and that needs to be fixed first before anything else. Anyone who is depressed cannot see further than their nose.

You are, as I always said to your face, drop dead gorgeous and so intelligent and brilliant to have a conversation with and could have a wonderful life with someone who loves you for you but you need to get this depression sorted out and that means changing doctors and finding the courage to talk to people, not psychiatrists, or psychologist's but people who have been where you are now. You could have 50 plus years left to live (I don't) but I hope you clutch at this straw and ask for help, that is all that counts, asking and it can be done.

The saying for insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” It is not working so try something else for once, what do you have to lose except your life.

Mum”

I sent all my journals by email to my son

I spoke to my wonderful close friend Maria. I had kept all that was happening to myself but she rang me and we had a good long chat. She said “we need happy Anne back. Your son is an adult who knows what he's doing to you. Let him torture his father and you look after you and leave his mind games alone. If he wants someone to moan to, he can contact his father”

I haven't been able to get any studying done at all. My mind won't rest. I've been sucked right back into deflecting and defending myself against my son again when all I wanted to do was help him. All he says by text and email has seriously affected my mind. I think I must be mentally ill myself. I don't take any kind of shit from anyone else so what the fuck is wrong with me. There must be something flawed in me.

Not a word out of son. He's probably reading my “honest” email repeatedly and my journals, no doubt I will get reams of lambasting messages from him. Only good thing to come out of it is his mind is not on the damn Insulin. Why did the Garda or Gheel not remove those vials of Insulin from him when they know his history. He sent me the photo's of them lined up on his desk so if they entered his small apartment they must have clearly seen them too.

7^th December

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Anne O'Loughlin <annem.oloughlin@hse.ie>
Date: 7 December 2015 at 12:48
Subject: Response
To:X
Cc: AMND <AM.ND@hse.ie>
“Dear X, I attach a letter for you outlining the outcome of my investigation into your allegation of abuse by Gheel Autism Services. I hope this will improve the situation regarding your medication. I have also forwarded this letter to my Line Manager Ms. Mary Walshe General Manager  and HSE Acting Head of Social Care. Yours sincerely. Anne O’ Loughlin, Principal Social Worker, Safeguarding ans Protection Team CHO9, St. Mary's Hospital, Phoenix Park, Chapelizod D20, Tel: 6250447  Fax: 6250450, annem.oloughlin@hse.ie

The foot note on her letter had this, which to me is a sick fucking joke

“When we go through tough time, little things like talking about our problems, getting regular exercise, drinking less alcohol and being involved in activities we enjoy can make a big difference to how we feel. Find the little things that work for you at yourmentalhealth.ie

8^th December from me to my son

“That more detailed response from Anne O' Loughlin was cc'd to her area manager so I reckon she was made to give you a more detailed reply. Yet it achieved nothing at all by the looks of things but all will now be on record. She did not offer to meet with you in person or alone or with someone of your choice as far as I recall.

“Gheel see this as following the prescription and dispensing of the medication as per Professor Fitzgerald. For your welfare and safety they are concerned not to override this” Absolute drivel as they had no previous problems giving out meds for you to go out to gigs.

“The recent event when medication was removed was given to you as a PRN dose” Rubbish, Paul messed up by giving you 4 extra by mistake so they thought they would get them back as they wouldn't have been able to account for them so just removed them to cover their mistake, they did not account that you would cause such a stink over it.

“We have requested that you will sign a receipt of your medication as dispensed each week to assure yourself re non tampering of medication” Are Gheel Outreach staff willing to stand on the doorstep until you check they have not been tampered with? What if you are not awake as they do not drop of at the same time or will they now ensure that the drop off's are at the same time every Monday.

“Gheel are not in a position to adhere to your requests for medication that is not prescribed” I doubt you have ever asked them for meds that were not prescribed for you and they have not bothered about you having the extra before now to help you get out of the flat.

“Such requests need to be communicated by you directly to Professor Fitz, not advisable that Gheel act as intermediaries” Total cop out. Gheel are paid to help, support and services of their service users. Not a mention of Darragh Byrne telling his Outreach staff when you requested delivery of your medication that he said you should take a break from them, when he is not a qualified doctor etc. Why no mention of this in her letters or meetings.

“No way I can condone the removal or tampering with your medication as is alleged recently no matter that the motivation was to give you the extra medication that you required” You gotta love how they bullshit the truth and bend to suit themselves. You were told by Darragh Byrne that Gheel held an emergency prescription for your use to get you out, his text did not say he would have to remove anything from your weekly medication and there is nothing “alleged” about it. It is as usual, bullshit, cover up by professionals for professionals.

You need to think logically what you want to do re your medication, I think you may need to change doctor as the one you have does not know you and is just a lazy git anyway. You do not need the Professor to keep dishing out a prescription that then needs to be changed to a Medical Card one, any GP can prescribe the meds you are on. The only difficulty would be the extra ones you need on an emergency basis but the Professor can be held on stand by for them via Gheel. Think about it and let me know. From 24^th December everything will be closed down until the 4^th January so it's best to try and get organised now and send a text to Gheel asking how your meds will be delivered to you on 28^th December, they should have their work rota's done on a monthly basis so will be able to tell you. Do not leave it till the last minute because I am working on Xmas Eve.”

16^th December

College. I don't know how I've done it but I've passed and have a Diploma in Law.

31^st December

My Email to my friend

Hi, Happy New Year to you for tomorrow. I had an email from Track and Trace from An Post, my son has not answered his door or had the DVD's I sent him collected by Gheel so the parcel has gone back to the delivery office. It says on the website that it was returned to sender but my address is not on them.  I just rang them so I can get them back as they are home movies of me and the boys. That is 3 weeks now since my son sent me an email so he truly has the hump again. I just hope he is alright”

Not a word out of son. If I send him an email and he's in the wrong mood it could antagonise him so I can't do right for doing wrong.

Questions buzzing my brain

1/ How did Darragh Byrne go from being a car salesman for 9 years to being made the Manager of the Outreach Team at Gheel Autism Services. Stupid question really as the CEO of Gheel Autism Services is his father. But how did he step into the Managers job.

2/ How is Darragh Byrne's name, according to my eldest son, on everything to do with the apartment my son is living in.

3/ How did Darragh Byrne have the audacity to tell a care worker to tell my son that he should be having a break from his medication. Who gave him the power to make that medical decision and why did he get away with that even when my son made a formal complaint to everyone but specifically Anne O' Loughlin, Principal Social Worker, Safeguarding and Protection Team Community Healthcare Organisation Area 9 Dublin North City and County. My son accused Darragh Byrne, Peter Byrne and some of Gheels Outreach team of Carer Abuse yet Anne O' Loughlin made her decision without even speaking to him. How is that morally or legally right for my son.

4/ Why did Paul, one of the Outreach team's staff make a mistake with my son's medication by giving him extra tablets during his hand over of them to my son, I do believe it was a genuine mistake but THEY ALL colluded to cover up THEIR mistake by secretly tampering and removing my son's medication without his knowledge or consent and resealing the pack most probably in the hopes that my son would either not notice or in the hope that he would not have made the fuss that he did make. This Outreach care worker's job was to simply hand over my sons medication that he collected from the chemist, it is not his job to secretly tamper and remove their fuck up then lie about it to cover their own mistake. How are they getting away with this. How did Anne O' Loughlin let them get away with this.

5/ I got no rely to my many emails to the CEO of Gheel Peter Byrne

I got no reply from my emails of complaint re 2009 to present date from yoursay@hse.ie

The only reply I got from Geraldine Murphy the Disability Manager in the HSE was made up bullshit that looks great on paper but was LIES. Who lets them get away with this.

I got no reply from Sheila Marshall the Area Operations Manager for Dublin North to my many emails sent to her re my family and the so called Family Support Package from 2009. Why not.

I got no reply from Tony O' Brien Director General of the HSE.

I got no reply from Anne O' Loughlin the Principal Social Worker, Safeguarding and Protection Team Community Healthcare Organisation Area 9 Dublin North City and County re my emails to her about my eldest son and his claims of carer abuse by Gheel Autism Services.

I got no reply from HIQA.

Why did the Ombudsman NOT answer my questions about the Family Support Package or answer why Dr Amitta Shah's extensive report and recommendations were not implemented as I was told by Irish Autism Action that what she recommended had to be adhered to by the HSE. Why did the Ombudsman not even answer these questions.

Why did all the agencies around the table at the Case Conference in the women's refuge in 2010 after the knife incident ignore Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Cannings words of telling them all to read Dr Shah's report and recommendations and implement them.

Why not. Who do these people think they are. Something stinks about Gheel and all the rest of these HSE agencies.

I didn't celebrate Xmas or New Year. I'm done with all that.

I met PJ Proby when I was a child in the village I was fostered in. He had a spot in our village Social Miners Club, long story, I will tell it one day. Lovely man.