I was asked to describe my life with my Husband
I was the unpaid, the un-thanked housekeeper and Mum. He went to work, he came home when he decided and he sat at the computer, then he went to bed, that was the total sum of our whole lives together. We never went out as a couple or as a family.
If I nagged (begged, pleaded, cried for his time, attention, affection to be a Husband and a Father) he would punish me by either not returning at all or switching his phone off so that I could not contact him or he would phone me and tell me he was on his way and then not appear, leaving me in a panic in case he had been involved in an accident.
If he did appear, when he decided to, and I opened my mouth at all to complain he would respond with “ shut the fuck up, do not start or I'm off” leaving me in perpetual fear of abandonment with nothing to live on, nothing for my kids to eat.
My mantra of “I did not get married to feel this lonely” fell on deaf ears and he would withdraw all communication.
If I asked him to talk to me, as he was the one out of the house mixing with other people all day, every day, I would be told “I have nothing to say” or “leave me alone I've worked my balls off all day” this statement of his became a joke between our kids.
He did not have the ability to stick up for himself outside of the home, any grievance he met would be swallowed down until he got home then his frustrations would be taken out on us, there was no communication, no fun, no joy, no laughter. Indoors, he became the man he could not be outdoors. He never took us out as a family, as a couple, he had no time for me or for our children.
I worked throughout the marriage, every part time job known to man and always around my family because he and his career came first, I had no choice, no say in the matter, if I complained that I wanted a career for myself his answer was “you get a job that pays the same and I will stay at home”
His “punishments” included, no money, no food, no cigarettes, he took my purse, my phone, the sky dish, he locked away the home phone, he password protected the family computer and he eventually removed the family computer stating he needed it for work despite having two laptops.
He repeatedly abandoned us, abused us all mentally, physically and emotionally and financially for years, £200,000 disappeared, apparently due to our lifestyle but I had nothing, no diamonds, pearls, jewellery, clothes, nothing.
Outwardly he is the nicest, kindest, the politest man anyone could ever meet, he appears calm and controlled, he will do anything for anyone without reward, a gentleman who never says a word out of place but indoors his treatment to me and our kids has been disturbing to say the least, his actions, reactions, punishments, cruelty and abuse, made me think it was all my fault or our kids fault, it must be, he told me often enough. He was so nice to everyone else, you will not find a person on the planet apart from myself and our kids who will say a bad thing about him, but only we lived with him, only we got to see the real him, the real Husband and the real Father.
The End of my marriage
My daughter and grandchild visited us for a week, he hadn't uttered one word to my daughter, you would never believe this man had been her step dad since she was 7 years old. My grand daughter said to me “grampy is shy” when I asked her why, she said “he never talks” My grand daughter is two and a half years old.
I seen him with fresh eyes, he is not shy, he's pig ignorant.
When I speak to him he simply ignores me as if I wasn't there if he has no answer or nothing at all to say. Only he, his computer and his work are important to him, nothing and no one else, not me and not our children, we do not feature on any list he may have of the top five most important things in his life. I actually expect if he was asked what would he save if there was a fire he would say himself, followed by his computer. What an utter fool I have been these past 17 years.
I loved my him; I absolutely loved and adored him. I loved him so much I would have died for him or stepped in front of a bullet for him and he knew it. I never ever regretted marrying him as I loved him so much but I do regret the years I wasted on someone who could not ever feel the same about me or allow me a decent life or allow me to leave until he killed that love stone dead. I was with him in total for 17 years, we had our ups and our downs in the beginning as all couples do but his behaviour was not what I would term normal and neither was my reaction to it.
I kept journals as I believed I was being led up a path between sanity and insanity. I began to question my own mind, my thoughts, my words and my deeds. It did not help matters that he actively sought to question my sanity also via what he would say to me or by ringing my doctor after I'd asked him, begged him to help me with our kids when he got home from work.
I did not know what was happening to me was called Domestic Abuse.
My journal entries veer all over the place as I wrote when I could and kept what I wrote very much hidden in case they disappeared as I had many other writings of mine disappear over the years and only once did I let him read my first journal as a way to see how he was making me feel in the hopes that he could find it in himself to stop, to think, to re love me again I suppose.
Those were desperate days and I was a desperate woman, a pathetic woman. I ended up an emotional wreck. The antithesis of who I was, of who I am. I believed I was no good to anyone, not even my children.
In hindsight my children needed me more than I could ever see at the time but I was entrenched in complete chaos and abject misery it was difficult to see the woods from the trees. We were once happy, we were once in love, we did have some good times but the bad, the very bad firmly outweighed the good and still affects me today.
I read the following; How to boil a frog;
If you attempt to put a frog in hot water he will jump straight out and you won’t catch him. However, if you put him in cold water and very slowly, over a long period of time, increase the temperature of the water until it is boiling he will stay in the pot and end up boiled. The same is true of destructive relationships, no one would put up with the levels of abuse if the relationship started like that, but over time, the abuser wears the victim down so much that it appears normal to them.
It's great that people give you advice and tell you walk away but when you are trapped like I felt in quicksand with no wriggle room at all, it becomes damn near impossible when you have the mind set that I had at that time.
In my case I had isolation, no transport, no funds of my own after working all my life, I had no bank account in Ireland, no family in the country we moved to after the promises made of a better life for us all if we moved, I had no say in any matter at all re shopping. The children's allowance that was in my name and in book form did mean I at least had this but as he would have to drive me to the post office to collect it and drive me home again there was always something he needed the money for, the car, petrol, oil, MOT, tax, insurance, you name it, he came up with it so I would have to part with what cash was in my name.
He was in charge of shopping which he did or did not do depending if he had the time or I “behaved” To this day I'm still not clear about “behaved” To my mind the word “behave” does not equate regarding adults at all.
May
He accidentally hit himself in the eye with a coat hanger. I knew nothing about it till I heard the front door slam shut at 2.30am and he walked into the bedroom with a patch on his eye and produced eye drops which he said I had to put in for him at 3.30am so I set the alarm on my phone in case I fell asleep again. He's not slept all night. He told me he picked up the clothes I'd folded ready to be ironed and he threw them onto a chair but a clothes hanger sitting on top of the clothes flew up and caught him on the eye. He said he'd been to casualty because he was in agony and was going to the doctor as soon as the surgery opened to get a sick note for work. I then went to the doctor with him and was mortified when the doctor came out into the packed surgery and said in a joking manner to me “you need to stop hitting your husband” the doctor is a lovely man and always joking but what he just said put the fear of god into me, if he's also heard him I know for a fact that he will copy and use what the doctor just said and I would die with the shame of those kind of lies as I do not have a violent bone in my body. I have a unique mouth and a very extensive vocabulary and that is all I've ever needed to get thru life. I blushed bright red in that waiting room and all other awaiting patients laughed their heads off. I was mortified.
He came out with his sick note and we walked to Tesco for his smokes, he told me he was wrecked with no sleep the whole night so he planned to go home and go to bed. I was baby sitting my friends daughter whilst she was at college. He refused to come into Tesco with me because “my eye is painful” he said “I'll wait for you outside the store” I took only minutes to buy his smokes from the cigarette kiosk but when I came out he had gone, there was not a sign of him anywhere. I waited for ten minutes and still there was no sign of him. I'd no keys and no phone with me so walked to my youngest son's school and got his house key from him. Thirty minutes had now gone by and then I saw him walking towards me. I asked him “where have you been” he said “I did not leave the spot I was standing at outside Tesco” When I said “you were not anywhere in the shopping centre vicinity because I walked up and down looking for you for ten minutes” he looked at me funny and asked me “are you alright, I'm worried about you, I hadn't moved from where you left me” He's a liar. I said “if you didn't move how come you did not see me because there's only one exit and you were apparently standing at it and I would have had to pass you when I came out pushing a buggy with the child in it” He said “you're mad” I'm not mad at all. He wasn't there, I've no idea where he was but he wasn't standing where I left him. He always leaves my head spinning.
Once in the house he told me he was going to bed because his eye was painful and contracting, I asked if he wanted to go back to the doctor, he said no, he just wanted to be left in peace.
Ten minutes later he had a miraculous recovery and was going to work to repair a Bookmakers printer, I asked how was he going to cope with a patch on his eye, he ignored me and walked out.
He did not return for hours. He later told me “I switch off when you start”
Me “starting” means I converse or try to.
I would love to know why he treats me so badly, I would love to know why I'm not entitled to a proper family life, a work life, a social life, a normal life, money to call my own or any conversation.
If he acts like I don't exist, why am I then good enough to exist in our bed. Why does he not treat me like a female, I get no romance, no flowers, no meals out, no social nights out, no friendly conversation.
I'm an emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my heart rules my head. I am friendly, chatty to everyone, normally of a happy disposition so how the hell did I end up with someone so bloody repressed, so internally angry all the time but able to keep a lid on it for the outside world but not able to for me, he keeps it hidden and punishes me, subtly then cruelly and consistently, this man never shows any emotion not even during sex, he once wrote on paper that he cannot let go not even with sex.
Anything that upsets him at work, he will swallow it down till he gets home because he cannot confront anyone about anything. To me it's very simple, communication would solve everything for him but he cannot or will not, you don't need to get angry with people, you just need to say what is troubling you and then let it go but not him, he will bank up anything and everything until there is no more room left inside him any more and he will explode, even when this happens I just dust myself down and thank god it's over till the next time and so this crazy cycle goes on and on till I feel secure again and then he rips the rug from beneath my feet, this is not healthy, not for him, not for me and certainly not for our kids.
If I ask him outright “what have I done this time” because its always my fault according to him, I never get any answer, he will say “I'm just tired” and will store it away till it affects him by not being able to sleep for days, he once went three straight weeks with no sleep. During these times he will be smoking and drinking too much, he gets creative, he comes up with really fabulous ideas for a business and will spend every moment he can on perfecting his creative idea. He will talk to people, to strangers, when he normally doesn't talk to anyone at all. Then when he cannot take any more, he seems to come down with a crash and its me who's the enemy. I'm in the firing line for all that's wrong with him. If he can control himself so much outside of the house, why the hell can't he control himself for us he's supposed to love.
He's the one out all day and most of the evening mixing with people and I want and need conversation but he will always tell me “I have nothing to say”
What on earth are we teaching our kids about relationships, about marriage, that they are 90% crap most of the time and just OK 10% of the time. What are the chances of our kids having normal relationships with us two as role models. Me with my big mouth and non stop tears and him repressed, angry, cruel and in charge of everything, in charge of us all.
I'm sure he has major issues with me but he wont tell me what they are, he prefers to act like a sulking child, this is not normal behaviour at all. What am I going to do, I am so trapped in this, its like a kangaroo court, I get tried, found guilty and punished, yet not ever told what crime I've committed against him.
If this is love, his love, he can shove it up his ass and whistle.
This is nothing new, I have allowed this to happen for all these years and I genuinely regret doing so because it’s allowed him free reign to do all he wants and there will be no consequences in his eyes because I'm still here with him.
What
will he regret, if anything, once he's forced me away. He will
probably only feel relief as I cannot see what good I do in his life
as nothing I do or say is right.
I
think he just wants me to the exclusion of everyone else and he
resents anyone who takes my focus away from him and so I get punished
but how can I make him my central focus in life when I have our
children, they're only children for a short time and they're my
children and they come first.
Will he regret the social life we never had that he always promised we would?
Will he regret the holidays we never took?
Will he regret the normal family life we should have enjoyed?
Will he regret the cruel punishments he doled out to me at will, his will?
Will he regret the emotional damage he's done to us all?
Will he regret never giving me any money to call my own?
Will he regret the housekeeping money that he used to give me weekly that stopped the day we got married?
Will he regret the romantic gestures that stopped when we married?
Will he regret the times he should have, could have, said he loved me but chose not to?
Will he regret the times he should have put us first but did not?
Will he regret the time he should have spent with his sons but did not?
Will he regret the times I needed his help, support, companionship but got none even when I begged him for it?
Will he regret losing me?
Will he regret never using my name?
I'm dying inside, I do not think I'm going to stay any longer. I'm not a shy or timid person, everything I write about him I've told him to his face and still no change from him, I should have more respect for myself, shouldn't I?
I've told him if you want to be a Husband act like one, not as some stranger that ignores me yet still wants to sleep with me. I seem to be good enough to cook, clean, wash, take care of house and kids, run your bath, wash and cut your hair, to be where you have me isolated 24 hours a day, to have sex when you want to but if I want to then you're too tired.
I have told him “you're a Dad, please be a good one, take our son's out, talk to them, teach them things I cannot, don't just be a man that comes and goes and shouts for “peace in my own house”.
I've told him “my emotions are not just toys to be picked up and played with when you see fit then toss aside once you get bored, its cruel, spiteful, nasty, hurtful and childish, you're lucky to be loved at all by me with the continuous crap you keep dishing out, if you carry on this way, you are killing this love but maybe that's your game plan and only time will tell me the answer to that”
When on earth did I become this person I am today, constantly seeking and wanting reassurance, clingy and weepy. I was fine when I was single and it was only me and my daughter, I had a full life, a job and money and many friends so how did I end up like this. I no longer even recognise myself. I suppose this is the only control he has in his life, it would be far too easy just to be happy, to enjoy life, enjoy what we have, to laugh, to be a team, to be a family. I am an old fishing line to be used, tossed out and reeled in again at will, his will.
He's causing me severe emotional damage then wonders why I seek reassurance from him, I was never like this in my life. I suppose it's the only control he has in his life.
From his old diaries he wrote that all he wanted was to find someone to love and to love him in return so why the hell when he found that love did he have to tear the flesh off it to the bare bones, who does he think does not deserve love, him or me?
I think he's chosen to walk a very lonely path in this life but it's not fair at all on us. I gave him every honest part of me whilst he kept what he really is well hidden and very well protected from the outside world.
I've hardly spoken to him tonight. I went into the bath and cried my eyes out, this is not living, I hate crying, I think it makes me look weak and I know he'll love that. I haven't seen nor spoken to another human for two months now and it's so bad. I am friendly and chatty, a people person, I love life and I love people and I am tactile, this is worse than prison to me, its a different kind of prison and I know I will not be let out for good behaviour.
Jesus Christ where are you when I need you, when I'm crying out to you for help, I'm in the depths of despair here and no one knows and no one cares, I'm descending into a madness not of my making. I am swimming but cannot wade and keep myself afloat, I need help and fast but from who, I don't know where to get help. I'm not a religious person but I always had faith.
This is not just months of dealing with it but years and years and years. I promised Jesus I'll be good, he must know I'm a good, kind person who would do anything for anyone, I am not selfish, nor cruel, I do not expect something for nothing, I do not want diamonds or pearls nor designer clothing. I just want to be loved and wanted, fed, respected and to have a normal life. What lesson am I supposed to be learning, can I not just pick up a book and learn that way please. I am so close to the edge but what about my kids? At this very thought I get out of the bath I'm in. Everyone else is in bed asleep.
I went into my boys room, they were fast asleep. My boys are beautiful. I watched them sleep and stroked their hair. I smelt their foreheads. I could find my children from miles away just by their scent. When they were newborn, I would rest my nose on the bridge of their nose and engulf myself with their smell, they have the sweetest perfume that money could never buy. I am their only anchor in this life and they have a Dad who does not feel for them the way I do, he does not seem or act as if he cares for them, he has no time for them, he's never played with them, or taken them anywhere. It's not fair on them. My children are so different, they came from my body, they have the same Dad, yet are so different in every way and I love them so much that I would die for them. I tucked them in with their duvets. It is freezing in this house. Why do kids even when they are asleep take off or kick off whatever they are wearing. I covered them up and kissed them both on their perfect foreheads and closed their door quietly. I sat in front of the dying fire. I dare not put on the last of the coal for fear of any noise waking him up. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I did not want my adrenalin to come rushing in and engulf my thoughts and leave me stupefied. I wanted peace and I wanted quiet. I decided he can fuck off and leave us in peace, he's not going to get his way of breaking me by spite and neglect. I wondered where the €20,000 he got out as a loan to refurbish this house had gone to, he's not done anything to the house at all and he's telling me we're skint again. I've even asked him if he has another family somewhere that I know nothing about as there's never any money, well none for me that is. I thanked god for the back boiler of the coal fire, it's the only thing that heats up the radiators and this house gets very cold to freezing at night.
The tick tock of the clock we inherited in this cottage sounds so loud tonight.
My dog came out to sit with me, what would I do without her, she's let me cry on her, let me tell her my hopes and fears, she's the most loyal, comforting and gorgeous creature but even she's taken to crawling under the bed when she hears his car, she can sense the atmosphere before he's even in the front door. He would never hurt her but I feel like my dog these days, I only get taken out when and if my master takes me and that's never these days. She and I go walking for hours and hours down the country lanes most days. She rested her head on my lap and she whined. I held my breath, I did not want anyone waking up so I gently patted her silky head and took her out. I stood looking at the black sky dotted with sparkling diamonds, this place is so beautiful at night, we're in the country, there's no street lights here, it's just complete blackness and darkness at nights. I walked her down the country lane, I've nothing to fear here, its completely safe, it's only inside the house I feel fear and its not physically. What I would give right now for two arms around me, to feel safe and loved, to cry with relief and not frustration, anger and fear, to be treated like a female instead of tough as old leather, capable of anything. There were no answers to my unspoken questions to the night sky so we went back inside.
I'm so drained and tired, I want to sleep but I know if I go into the bedroom he'll wake up, he can always smell my presence. I tried to stay on the edge of the bed, I'm fully clothed but as expected he threw his arm around my waist, he's stirring and I held my breath.
The birds are singing outside, my favourite sound.
He talked without opening his eyes, he said “come here you're freezing” and he wrapped himself around me. I decided I'm not going to be used today and not any other day either. I told him I needed the loo and went to put the kettle on then poured out his cereal, got his clothes ready, switched on the computer and then his alarm went off and he got up. He came towards me smiling, he stretched out his arms and I went into them willingly, this is my husband, the other one's gone, the cruel, vindictive, control freak husband has gone. I asked him “where have you been” he said “you're mad I've just got up” I love him so much but I also hate him, that bad side of him, so maybe I am mad after all.
He was in a good mood but told me he has to go to work in Cork and it's 200 miles away, he does this job once per month. I do not want him to leave, I'm being selfish but I want him to stay home with me and our kids, its not very often this man I married is present, the other one is usually here instead so I was clinging to the hope that he'd take the day off but he said he cant, he told me he loved me and he'd definitely finish when he's supposed to so he could make the very long drive home.
I don't believe a word of it.
I wish I'd a cent every time I heard that but I stayed silent. He said “I'm grateful for all your love and support because I've been angry and brooding over what you said about our relationship a few months ago” I asked him to enlighten me because I say a lot of things when I'm angry, in despair, frustrated at being abandoned and left with no money, but he said “I can't remember but we'll talk about this later” in other words the subject is closed and he wont talk about it at all.
It also means he cannot remember a fucking word I'm supposed to have said that made him so mad he pretended I didn't exist. So all the pain, the neglect, the silences, the ignoring my very presence, the treating me like scum, all that he's put me through was because of how he felt and he can't even fucking remember why. He left for work, then sent me a text telling me he loved me and will miss me, so maybe there is hope for us after all.
What makes me so annoyed is, I've stuck by this man through everything, no matter what he's done or said and I know he's always slagging me off behind my back, he cannot seem to have any conversation of his own so he talks about me in a bad way. I admit I can be a mouthy bitch to him, my words are all I have, the only weapon I can use in retaliation and I know that two wrongs do not make a right but by god don't I suffer for it. He always knew for every action of his would meet with a re action from me but his punishments always ensured I'm worse off due to no money, no transport, no work life and no social life. I'm living in an insular environment of his choosing.
He can be as cold as ice, as cruel as can be, very controlling, robotic with his feelings, the very opposite of all that I am and no one from his past or present has stood by him except me. He has no friends except for one who flits in and out of his life around five times in five years. The only time he contacts his friend or his family is when he will not speak to me. He stopped speaking to his own family for seven years. I suppose that will be my fault too eventually.
My sister in law once said to me "They're a crazy bunch, they sweep everything to do with emotion under the carpet till they trip over it, then when it comes to defending themselves, out comes the cruelty, the control and the manipulation" She was a very good friend and support to me, but my husband recorded our phone conversations and he rang his brother about it and told him and she off course denied saying anything as I probably would have in her shoes and I never heard from her again. Another person in my life he seemed to have got rid off.
I know I do not deserve this life. I know I and our kids deserve better than this. I cannot have him blowing hot then cold, hot then cold, depending on how the outside world treats him, depending on his moods, it's soul and heart destroying.
How can someone do what he does and say what he says to me then expects me to be intimate with him, why on earth would he want intimacy if he detests me so much, why does he not just leave. I even know that when push comes to shove that his promise to me and our kids about selling up and moving back home to the UK once we've made this place habitable is just another one of his schemes and probably once it's complete he will tell me to go my own way.
I'm a very good and hard worker and will attempt anything DIY wise. I've tiled a kitchen myself. I had to learn as he does nothing but work, or so he tells me but his wages do not reflect the hours he works, most probably another lie that slips so easily from his lips.
Any other person with any pride would not have put up with this so why am I still here. I know that he now has me so totally dependent on him for everything living here that I can see no other way out. How I got so dependent on him for everything I shall never know but it was a slow process.
I asked myself why am I never appreciated? It makes me laugh that I am of great use and can be depended on 100% when needed as a donkey to do work that most women would not even be expected to do. I allowed myself to become his doormat because at this moment I have no other choice, no other alternative to how he's made me live. Any house moves we previously made, it was always left to me to do all the packing, all the scrubbing and all the cleaning of the place from top to bottom along with any part time job I had at the time too and all raising of the kids and all other normal house hold stuff. Even the times we went to see his Mother which was a long drive away and my children were small, all the loading up of the car and all the stuff that was needed for them was left to me alone. When I said this to him recently he replied “its because you are so good at it dear” all he had to do was put on his jacket and get in the car to drive. What a bastard he is and what a fool I am. But if he had an audience he would get off his ass and do stuff, he'd be seen as the nice, good husband and father.
When we moved from our flat to our first house, there were three flights of stairs to carry everything down. We had two removal men helping but husband was a bit busy checking that I'd left nothing behind so I ended up wrecked going up and down those stairs. One of the men said to me, “have a rest Mrs” and “why are you doing all the helping when your man is not” I just smiled and said I'd sit down in a few minutes. I did not tell him I was pregnant.
I've always been an affectionate person. I tell my kids and my husband every day “I love you” he's not said it back to me for at least two months now. I decide to find out why because things are good between us at the moment and he's coming home for lunch. He rang me up and asked could I make him something. I made toast and cheese for him, he kissed me on cheek and said he had to run, I told him to drive carefully and said I love you, no response from him, I said it again and he said whatever!! What the fuck. We are grown assed people,
I sent him a text, if you do not love me at least tell me, I do not want to be making a fool of myself, I got ignored as per usual. If he had the balls to say he did not love me then I would know nothing can be saved and I could leave. I would be heart broken yes but at least I would know and move out and move on.
He got home at 9pm, he is paid till 5pm. I've no idea where he's been. I was sitting on the couch and he knelt on the floor and put his head on my lap, he wanted me to hug him, I wanted to but I could not, he can flip on the spin of a coin and I wasn't going to face any further humiliation of rejection from him. I thought to myself, he wants comfort and reassurance yet all this time its what I've needed and wanted and told him yet he's ignored me and acts as if I do not deserve it.
He said “I've given your text a lot of thought (by my reckoning its been nine hours of thought so far) he said “we have a fucked up relationship” I said “you're the one who's fucked it up and now due to that we have no relationship” he said “can't you even hug me” I told him “if you are serious please find help for yourself, for us and for our family” he sighed. I so wanted to put my arms around him. I do still love him but I cannot take any more I really can't.
He sighed again, he always sounds as if he has great need for oxygen, its one of the things I detest about him, always loud audible sighs, those sighs tell me all I need to know. He told me he was going in the bath and I sat with my dog. He wanted his hair cut by me when he came out of the bath. I had so much I wanted to say to him but he has this amazing ability to twist and turn everything into nothing is his fault, it is always my fault or he has nothing to say, has worked his balls off all day. So I ended up saying nothing at all which is an alien concept to me but it helps “keep the peace”
June
June already and I'm still in this bloody roller coaster of a marriage, he's still in charge of everything, if I smoke, if and when I eat, if I go out, which is never anyway, I think he must be ashamed of me, of how I look, I think I look average, he calls me “his beautiful wife” so why keep me hidden away, even a walk or a trip to a park for the kids, anything to get away from these four walls, I told him so and he asked me if I would like to go for a drive, I jumped at the chance and we were out of the door like a shot. He drove us to the local village and stopped at the recycling bins and he emptied the boot of the car then drove us straight back home again. I should have known, I should not have fallen for it, I felt humiliated. “what” he shouted but I could not answer him, I did not want him to see my tears. He asked “do you want to go to the forest” but we were back outside the house again. I said “I want to be around other humans, I want to be mixing with people” He said “well I did ask, you can’t say I did not ask you” and he got out of the car and went into the house. I truly think I'm going mad.
He is a wolf in sheep's clothing, a control freak, he can play my strings like a fiddle and I have no clue how to break this invisible chain that connects me to him, he is obviously the unhappy one, his actions or lack of them and his treatment of me tells me so, if only he had the gumption or the balls to tell me why or at least help me get away but he never will because it will mean he has to look deep within himself and acknowledge what he's doing and see that it's so wrong but if he does this, his halo will disappear and we cant have that, he cant ever have that happen.
My eldest son had a part in school play, I was so proud of him because he's shy but he had the right clothes to wear, the costume was hired, he was a judge in the play and had a lot of lines to say in and I was so looking forward to seeing him act. Son did say if we turned up to see him that he'd walk out but I knew that was all bluster on his part.
The day of the school concert and he dropped son off at school but no one else had turned up for the rehearsals so son rang me, thinking he'd got the time wrong and he tended to panic, like me. I rang the husband and asked him to go along and reassure son because he was only two minutes away from the school at his work but he didn't go to him. I got a text from son saying everyone had turned up now but he needed to be picked up at 4pm, brought home and returned again to school for 6pm so I got on the phone to husband again. I was thinking all his hours of unpaid overtime should surely count for something now and asked him to please not let our child down, he said he would collect son but he'd an emergency job en route home. I suggested he took son with him, there was method in my madness, I was hoping this would ensure he actually got home on time to take me to see my child's first play, instead I heard his cars engine and he dropped son home at 4.30pm, I went chasing out the door as he reversed and he stopped when he saw me, I was literally begging him not to let me down, not to be late, I told him I will do anything for him if he can do this one thing for me, he told me “get out of the way then, the sooner you let me go, the sooner I can get back” he then shouted “by the way I've given son €20” when I asked why all I got was the screech of car tyres.
Son was going mad asking where Dad was, it was15 minutes till curtain up at his school and he should have been here at 5.30pm to get us there on time.
Only now did I get it, the bad bastard had no intention of coming back after all. The money must be for a cab, I rang one and got son off to the school. I rang the husband and my blood was boiling, one bloody thing is all I wanted from him, just one thing and he could not even do this for me, I know he does not give a bollix but this is my child I want to see and support, it meant so bloody much to me. He answered my call and told me he was just leaving. Another 20 minutes went by, I was pacing, a bad sign, I rang him again and found out he was “not on his way” after he told me he was, “I'm not finished at all yet, I thought I was when I last spoke to you but I'm not”
I exploded and said if I miss our first born son's début part in a play I will wring his neck with my bare hands and at that moment in time I meant it. I'm living on adrenalin with him constantly now, its affecting my health, he told me “with that attitude I'm not going to bother coming back at all” and I let out a roar, he said “I'm on my way” Why, why, why, put me through all that. I wasn't asking for the moon. To finish the conversation he told me “you just wasted my money because you could have got in the cab with son so why did you not just do that if you're that desperate to go” “Because you told me you were on your way” I yelled at him.
I was shaking like a leaf, I felt sick and angry, I opened the window and took deep breaths then I went to tell my youngest son that we were ready to go. I'd no idea if he would come and get us but if I had to walk the miles to see my eldest son I would. I love my boy so much and really wanted to see him acting and if I missed seeing him at least he will know that I tried. Youngest and I started walking and after 15 minutes I heard his car and he appeared.
I got into the front seat and he leant over to kiss me. I give him my cheek and whispered “if you ever do that to me again I will knock your head clean of your shoulders” he looked at me and said “I'm going to take you to the Gardai then with that kind of threat” I was still whispering and said “do want you want because I'm past caring and getting locked up will give me peace from you, three square meals a day, the company I crave and probably a free education too” he answered me with “is this how little you think of your kids then” Christ almighty its because of my kids that I'm feeling this way, no that's wrong, its because of what he's done and my love for my kids that has me in this state, I told him, “you look after the boys, you give up work, you live my life and see how long you cope” he must have realised I really was past caring so he came back with, “well son said he would walk out if we turned up to see him” I asked him to shut up, my head was splitting.
I lifted his log book where he writes down his mileage from leaving the house, the hours he works and the time he gets home and it was blank for the past three hours. I've no clue where he's been but he's not been working anywhere, it's all been done for Christ knows what reason. I could not say anything at all about it because I knew he would turn the car around and take us straight home if I opened my mouth.
We had missed an hour of son's play and there were no seats left so we stood at the back. Son saw us and he was smiling. I was so glad I got here for him. The husband had the gall to put his arm around my shoulder, showing strangers what a lovely united front we are. A woman sitting directly in front of us turned around, I smiled and said to her “that's my son up there” I thank god I got here to see him.
My thoughts were starting to worry me about what I would have done to him if I'd missed my boy performing. I would have gone insane if I missed my sons bravery of overcoming his shyness and taking part in his school play. He had a long speech to read out dressed up as a judge, I am so very proud of him.
We left the school at 9.30pm and got back to the cottage in half an hour, he drives so fast because he knows it frightens me. He stopped at the local shop and asked me did I want anything, I told him we were starving because he hadn't done a big shop in ages, he said “I asked you did you want anything and not a nagging session” I said “pizza” it tastes like cardboard and I do not like them but it will feed us all and I was so hungry I could have eaten it frozen.
As soon as we got home I ran a bath for the boys and put the oven on asking him where the pizza was. He said “oh shit, did I not tell you that I couldn't get it because the cash machine is out of order” but he had his usual four cans and vodka too and was now sitting at the computer with his back to me. I went into the bedroom and he followed me. I swear I thought I was going to have a heart attack the way I felt, the way my heart was pounding, he sat on the edge of the bed and asked me “why are you always moaning” not tonight I thought to myself, I've no energy for this, I've no fighting talk in me at all, I just said “you need a drink in you to tell me that” he said “I cannot make you happy” and had a slight smile on his face. I just don't get this at all, did his emotionally detached childhood teach him nothing, he was raised in a family, he had his siblings. His Mother is cold but where did he learn all this abuse from, I'm convinced he's mentally ill, this is not normal behaviour at all.
I thought about my marriage vows:
Where did I say when I married you that you can have me as your wedded wife but that you can be more loyal to any boss you have and have no loyalty to me at all.
Where did I say when I married you that you can have me as your wedded wife but if I piss you off in any way shape or form that you can immediately withdraw everything until I come round to your way of thinking or "behave myself" for you .
Where did I say when I married you that I do not want any social life, no romance, no family life, no trips out and that the kids will be left to me and me alone, that I do not want any money, have no working life and no social life.
We all have flaws no one is perfect, I certainly am not, I can lash him with my tongue, my vocabulary, my very fast verbal responses, even when I know it hurts him but with me what you see is what you get, no hidden sides, no hidden agenda's and I always apologise to him if I have hurt him with words and then like the fool I am, I try and change, try and stop my mouth running riot, he however has never apologised to me, he has always promised to change but never has, he cannot say he does not know what he is doing to us as I am very vocal about it but I think he just no longer cares.
I was going to say that I am treated like shit but even this gets picked up in soft tissue paper sometimes.
I must be bored because I worked out he's worked over 170 hours unpaid overtime, when I told him he said "you get off your fat lazy fucking arse and get a job then" I said I would love to but lets get one thing straight, there is nothing lazy nor fat about my arse and if what you say is correct why the hell do you cuddle it every night as your own personal hot water bottle. I then asked him what hours did he expect me to do when he does not work 9 to 5.30pm, even tho they're the hours he's paid for but we never see him until 8 or 9 or 10pm, sometimes he's sent 200 miles away too and works till midnight without pay or thanks, so please tell me what work will allow me to stroll in and leave when I want to. How would I get to said job when we are isolated, I have no transport and no bank account in this country for the past 3 years so where would I work. No answer was given. The above overtime does not count the weekends he goes to work nor the work he brings home, he seems to be filling up his life so there's no time for me and the boys, all I am is a workhorse, to look after him, the house, my children and used now and again for sex.
I do not fit anywhere in this man's life at all so when am I going to get in into my thick skull that I'm nothing to him, when am I going to get the courage to leave him? Where am I going to find the strength and the money to do so? We've been married for 15 years, I've been with him for 17 years, I feel all he ever wanted was a maternal figure to look after him and sleep with when he wants.
He had the absolute gall to tell me that I am the one who makes the rules and he has to follow them or suffer the consequences, eh! How in Gods name did he work that one out, I have no rules except for our children and they are very simple.
Do not disrespect yourselves or others.
Never be a racist
Never make fun of or belittle anyone else
Do your best at school, even if you fail at least you know you tried your best.
Be kind to yourselves, to one another, to everyone and to animals.
And last but not least clean your bloody room.
Why on earth am I waiting, waiting, waiting, for signs of change, affection, love, conversation, security, laughter, normality and always, always, always so disappointed, stupid bitch that I am, hanging around for crumbs of comfort and when and if I get those crumbs hang on for dear life in the hope of getting more, he and only he has the power and uses it often to give me some and then withdraws them again through what I perceive to be sheer cruelty.
Why is he like this? why does everyone else think he is so damn perfect, that I must be lucky to have him, he's the lucky one because I know no one else would put up with him, why does no one else see through this man and his act, it must be very tiring keeping up the, I am Mr perfect, outside of the home all the time, no wonder he's always saying he's knackered. Why am I still with him, Why do I still love him?
I can be begging, pleading, weeping, screaming yet everything gets ignored. I sometimes wonder if he's a robot. I could reach for an imaginary screw driver and take him apart and see what makes him work. I do tell him exactly what the problem is, exactly how I feel, what I want, what I need, all ignored and then his punch line "I cannot make you happy" no, but he can go out of his way to make me so bloody unhappy though.
When we are good we are great together so I do not know what is going on, I see my
marriage slipping through my fingers and there is jack shit I can do to save it.
I used to in the early days, throw back the duvet, looking forward to a new day and all it would bring, I used to be full of vitality with many friends, a job I loved, a smile on my face for everyone, strangers included, I was a happy person, had a zest for life, a mad sense of humour. All that has now left me.
I cannot make myself any clearer to him I have spelt it out in speech, by letter, by text, by e mail what he's doing to me and to our sons but he cannot or will not take in any of this information and then act on it. I have been trying to get through to him for many years now.
Any relationship is a two way street, like a plant you have to look after it or it dies, he is killing me with neglect, I cannot do all the work alone to keep this marriage alive, I am floundering here.
When I go to bed, he was pretending to be asleep, he hasn't got the hang of how to breathe as if you’re asleep so I knew he was still awake.
He then sat up with a huge sigh, that's all we ever hear him do, I have suggested he gets an oxygen tank strapped to his back as his sighs are so audible and say so much more than any words he never comes out with do.
"This marriage is over" he said. God, it must have taken an awful lot of effort for that to come out in one breath for him. I said “okay I agree” That took the wind out of his sails. He grabbed my hand and tried to kiss me and asked me to get into the bed. I said “oh no you don't, if the marriage is over you are not sleeping with me any longer, you can piss off and sleep on the couch too for good measure” he said "well what about no strings attached sex then" I gasped out loud, I may need to borrow his imaginary oxygen tank, I told him “I'm no whore” I wanted to rip his skin off and cause him similar pain, he does not need skin anyway because he's so bloody transparent that I can see straight through him. He then said “what the hell are you on about” I repeated word after word of what he just said to me and he denied it all to my face, he said “you're a nutter, I could maybe have said it in anger after being abruptly woken up” Hello! you cannot wake someone up who is wide awake already, good god almighty. He then changed tact, he said “you could be making all this up just to start a row” I was flummoxed, thoroughly confused. I really need to talk to someone about all this, I know it’s not normal but who the hell can I talk too, I am going to go out of my mind. I know exactly what he just said because I'm not in the least bit stupid but yet again he has me questioning my own sanity.
He then stormed out of the bedroom.
I got woken up by him at 3.30am, he said “I can't sleep, do you fancy a quickie”
All I could think was, oh yes a quickie axe in the fucking skull, a quickie kick to his balls, a quickie bullet between his eyes but I did not say any of this, I only thought it all in my head, it hopefully helps me to stay sane. I tried to pacify him by telling him he would never get up for work, he said “I will” and to my eternal shame I gave in, I was not part of it at all, he merely emptied himself and I felt cheap, all my own fault I know but that does not stop how I feel. He fell asleep quickly. Horse tranquilisers should be given to all wives I thought to myself. Now I was awake and could not sleep, I wanted to cry my eyes out and scream but knew once if I started I would never stop and I felt very much on the edge of sanity / insanity.
I went back to bed at 5am. I looked at him sleeping, that was still the man I loved and adored but where the hell had he gone to, who takes over him when he got like this, I do not know, he's destroying my spirit, only my tough as old boots attitude has kept me going this long but the leather on those same boots is wearing very thin and will soon fall to pieces, I feel so heavy with pain, grief and anguish, why is he doing this, he knows what he is doing but why and how do I escape?
Two nights later we were watching a documentary about a man whose wife had died and he was raising 8 children on his own, the poor man was so grief stricken, crying that he loved and missed his wife so much. It was very sad watching it. I asked him what would he do if that was him, how would he cope without me, what's your definition of love. There was silence for five minutes then the most vitriolic attack from him concerning all that love was not, all prefixed with me and all that was wrong with me. Jesus I never heard him talk so much at once. I took myself off into the kitchen and said “I only asked what your definition of love was, I did not ask you to come up with a cure for cancer so why the hysterics and the verbal attack” I got ignored.
I was making coffee and wondering why there was no such thing as a magic potion to get me back the man I married, I heard the bath running, I admit I felt stunned at him erupting like that. I heard him whistle, he can whistle bloody Dixie if he thinks I'm going anywhere near him, he whistles only to get my attention, that’s how he calls me, he's not used my name in many years. I thought the only thing that's going to respond to his whistle tonight is my dog. I then heard a "can you come here a minute please" he wanted me to wash his hair, he said “do you want to jump in too|” I said gee thanks but I’ll pass on that and I made a swift exit, if there had been a large basin in there I would have filled it up with ice and poured it over him after all he has said to me tonight. Mental images like that help keep me sane. Well I hope so anyway.
I decided I have nothing left inside of me to give any more. I refuse to keep humiliating myself by begging him for his time, his love, for a normal family life. I do not know another soul who has a husband who puts his work and anyone else before his wife and family to the exclusion of all else and gets paid a pittance too. At least that’s what I'm told.
My daughter who was due to come over for my birthday rang me, she had blood poisoning and was on crutches and trying to cope with her child and needed help so I made arrangements to fly over to see her, husband bought the tickets and my eldest did not want to make the journey, so myself and youngest went over. Husband ran me to the airport, clearly not happy about something, he ignored me talking to him. I was looking forward to having this space between us, it might do us some good.
Valentines day was coming up and I wouldn't be at home but I bought him chocolates, a card, a silly teddy and a bottle of red wine from the child benefit, he needed the rest of the money apparently for his car but I was pleased I managed to get him something. I told him I'd hidden the gifts in the bedroom wardrobe and he wasn't to touch them till Valentines Day, which is also my birthday.
The day of my birthday arrived. Husband had been in constant touch before hand, he had told me he missed me and he loved me but on the day of my birthday there not a squeak out of him, not a birthday card, a Valentine's card, an e card, no flowers, no phone call, no text, nothing at all. I rang him and he cut me off, thinking it was a mistake I rang again and once again he cut me off, my initial reaction was to feel sorry for myself, then I got angry, I should have known he would find some way to punish me for going off and leaving him, even though it was an emergency.
I went through all going on in my marriage with my daughter. She said “perhaps you are coming to your senses, why are you the only one who cannot see what a nutter he is, why do you keep putting yourself through his madness, he will not ever change, so you have to” I knew she was right but I am still very much in love with him, my head was saying, just leave him, my heart was telling me to stick with him.
I was so upset that my own husband could pretend I did not exist on my bloody birthday. He's an ignorant, childish, pathetic cruel bastard of a man.
The next day was my flight home and as expected he was on the phone to me as if nothing had happened. I was furious, he could tell by my voice, he said “well with that attitude of yours, why bother coming back” That left me stunned, I was normally wise to every stunt he pulled now but because I'm an emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve person and still in love with him, it still completely wrecked me every occasion he “punished” me. He then immediately said “I can’t wait to see me, I've missed you so much” mere minutes after telling me “with that attitude of yours, why bother coming back” I was dreading going back to this madness but my eldest is there so I had to return.
There was no sign of him at the airport, he was waiting in the car park. Eldest hugged me and said he'd missed me and told me all he had done whilst I was away then he said I have a surprise for you.
Husband then grabbed me in a bear hug, and after promising myself not to say a word about my birthday to him, my run away mouth could not behave “what was that all about” I asked “Don’t fucking start” he said, “you were not here so what’s the big problem” then said “what did you get me for my birthday this year then” One birthday in 17 years he only got a card from me and no present and I emailed him e cards to open every day that week. How the hell was I expected to buy any gift when I have no money off my own at all and no access to any money except the children's allowance.
When we got home there was a parcel wrapped up for me, it was camera I always wanted and I was thrilled but deep down I would have been more than happy with a birthday message on the actual day. I asked him if he enjoyed his presents that I left him for Valentine’s Day, he shrugged, and went pink in his face. I walked upstairs, the gifts were still where I'd left them, nothing had been touched, I asked him why, he said “you were not here so I do not want them” I acted as if it was no big deal but I felt crushed.
The camera I was given as a present got put into his cars glove compartment, so it was not actually for me after all.
We all have flaws, that’s what being a human is all about, we make mistakes, we apologise to those we may have hurt and we try and change our actions and behaviour if that’s what's needed to keep peace and harmony and love alive. Well most of us do that or try to do that. Some do not say sorry because they're not sorry at all and would never change their behaviour because they do not want to, they do not care, no matter how hurt or emotionally damaged they make another person. If they feel and if they believe they're right or even if they know they're not right then nothing and no one else matters to them but themselves. I truly believe that these kinds of people should not ever get married. I believe that my husband should never have gone near any woman never mind me.
I was thinking about the word regret for some reason and I regret putting myself through this in all these years. What will he regret when I get the courage to leave, probably nothing but only relief as I cannot see for the life of me that I am any good for him in any respect at all.
I am no good to be told “I love you”
I am no good to have any conversation with.
I am no good to be taken out
I am no good to be allowed a bank account or money of my own.
I am no good for him to finish work on time to allow me a life of my own, a work life or a social life.
Yes I blame myself.
Despite all my talking to him about how lonely and neglected I feel and letting him read this diary of mine, he has gone and done it again, read what was in my heart and soul and most probably thought fuck you, I will do what I want when I want, just like he always does.
June
He rang me to say he was coming home, he said “it's been a bastard of a day, working non stop on some prat’s PC” and I cannot get it fixed, I've had no lunch and my head is splitting through lack of coffee, I just want to get out of here” An hour went by and I began to worry because it only takes 30 minutes to drive back. I rang him, he said “I've still not left, I'm waiting on the owner of the PC to come with his own CD’s to fix his own computer” I asked “why can't the person just take it home then, why can you not just say to the customer I finished work over an hour ago mate, I have a wife and kids at home” but no, he can’t do that, he has to be seen as the perfect man and fuck us waiting at home to be fed. I asked him “did you get some shopping like you said you would this morning” I got told no and “stop nagging, I have enough on my plate” I wanted to reply we have fuck all on our plates because you are in control of whether we eat or not but I don’t because it will lead to him either not coming back at all, or us all getting the silent treatment or worse.
We live in an old isolated cottage that I did not want us to buy because I do not drive. I have no access to money unless he sees fit to give me any and he will make me sign a receipt for money that he might give to me depending on my “behaviour” The nearest shop is 1.2 miles, a 30 minute walk away which is great in good weather but not for walking back if I have to carry anything heavy back home. Why do I just not leave? the same question I have asked myself a million times but his behaviour and actions are not like this every day, he can be the kindest, nicest person on the planet until I do something to piss him off but since coming to live here, the punishments for god knows what reasons have become non stop. I have no one that I could turn to, no one at all. How can you confide in people who think they know you very well? How do you start such a conversation? What would they think of me? How can you just land at someone’s doorstep with two big kids in tow?
From him ringing me originally at 5pm to say he was coming home, he eventually shows up at 10.15pm, with no food shopping, (cereal and toast for me and kids again) and I'm starting to lose it, I want him gone. I'd already texted him telling him I want him gone for good. He rang me and said “well do you want your cigarettes or not” he left me with none all day so I told him to shove them, he hadn't bothered about me having none all day, I suppose I can do without them now, it’s food we want and need. When he did arrive he went into the bedroom and removed some clothes from the wardrobe, he lifted his laptop and threw an open pack of cigarettes at me, he said not a word to me or the kids and then he left. You would think I could have then relaxed but I know him so well that I could not.
At 11pm he sent eldest a text asking him if the land line was working yet which told me he must have done something to the land line wire. I checked it,the land line was dead. Eldest rang him from his mobile phone, dad claimed not to hear him very well and cut him off. Eldest said dads is in a pub because it's very noisy on the phone. Lucky for some.
We all went to bed, bored, pissed off, hungry and sad. I picked up the cigarettes he'd thrown at me and there was €90 in the pack. For this I was grateful, it's the school holidays so at least I can walk the boys to the local shop and back the next day to break up the sheer boredom and be able to get them something but I didn't know how long this money was to last me, it gets freezing cold at night time and we have no heating and depend on coal and we had none left to burn.
He came to the house three days later. He almost scared the life out of me because I did not know he was in the house at all, he was just standing in the living room. He told me he'd bought coal and said the land line's working okay now. I did not bother asking what happened to it or why he would know it wasn't working in the first place. I did off course know but I couldn't prove he must have cut the wire when he left. He asked me what my plans were, I said get the house sold and leave. He did not reply, he just left, I presume to go to work.
I went to the computer to check out estate agents and the computer's now password protected. He is a Bastard.
I found a local estate agents via directory enquirers and got busy cleaning and painting the house to make it look decent for any potential viewings. I texted him to tell him that they will be out one day next week. I got ignored.
Late in the afternoon he rang me asking “do I need anything” we needed everything but I was on red alert all the time now with his shenanigans, he followed up by saying “please do not text me in the early hours of the morning” he was very polite so I knew someone must have been standing next to him or within earshot. I said “I didn't have any credit to text you at all which you know” He rang me again two hours later, he said “I just had this funny feeling that I should call you to make sure that your alright” I said “I'm fine but I need a favour, would you please take the kids out at the weekend because they have nowhere to go and have nothing to do and I could also do with the break from them because I'm stuck here with them for 24 hours a day” He replied “I will think about it” Bloody think about it.
He returned home after four days telling “you're not forcing me out of my own home” I stayed out of his way, he looked wrecked and I'm starting to feel sorry for him again, it’s always like this these days.
I did not get married to feel this damn lonely, my whole personality has changed.
21st June
We had a peaceful spell then the shit hit the fan again. I woke up to a burning smell, he had lit a cigarette and fallen asleep with it in his hands, the duvet and the cover had melted, that gave me a dreadful fright, he told me “it's your fault, you should not still be sleeping anyway because you do fuck all, all day to need sleep” and he stormed off to work in a bad mood and did not answer my texts saying we need food bought.
His day goes like this, he wakes up, he wants sex, he'll shower, shave, put the computer on, leaves for work, some days depending on his mood he will come home for lunch or call me to see how I am, others he forgets about us as soon as he walks out of the door. He comes home from work whenever he feels like it, he is only paid from 9am to 5pm. He has dinner, if he's bought anything for me to cook, he sits at the computer, maybe has a bath if he can be bothered and I run it for him, fool that I am. He tells the boys to “shut the fuck up, I've worked my balls off all day” if they are too noisy for him, he has no interaction nor conversation with me, his wife, unless he wants sex and he has no interaction nor conversation with our boys at all and so they act up seeking attention when he gets home but only I am to “deal with them”
The estate agents were on the phone to me after they'd seen the house, they had a list of all we need to do before viewings can take place, it was a long list. I rang him at work, he did not speak one word back to me, I asked him was someone standing beside him, he said no and hung up on me. An hour went by and he rang me, he said “sorry for earlier” (I nearly fell down in amazement at him apologising) he said “some German Nazi C*** got on my nerves by deleting something I asked him not to delete” I said “”can you see now how you get with me when someone else has pissed you off because you can't confront them yourself” he said “maybe, we'll talk later” I know that means the subject is now closed.
I feel I've been left to rot in this place. I and the boys walk my dog around the country lanes for hours on end, I try and make it interesting for them but they are bored and they have no one else to take it out on but me, what a fucking life this is.
We have no cooker, I'm expected to cook for the four of us using only a microwave that’s also an oven and a grill. I said I was going to go on strike so he promised to put in the cooker as soon as he could.
He is always telling me “we're skint” but he has vodka and cider and is knocking the drink back at a fair old rate and starts calling me every name under the sun, he's in an animated state, it's not a good sign and I know its going to be a very long night. He was goading me and I became almost as bad as he was. I called him “a boring old fart” he told me “I will make sure I have a life once you are gone from mine” I said “I'll pay good money to see that” he said “ It's all your fault that I have no life” he said “go fucking swim back to the country you want to return to” he said “you are a joke” “you're off your fucking head” “your a nutter, I know it and everyone I know knows it too” “your completely mental” he then mumbled something and I said “speak up please, your on a roll now, do not stop on my account” and he said “I hate you, I fucking hate you, I wish you would kill yourself and leave me in peace and get the fuck out of my life” I thanked god the boys were asleep. He continued with “you have a personality disorder, my family said this many years ago and I've downloaded all the info so you can read what you are for yourself then I'll then take you to the doctor about it once you have digested the info that I'll allow you to read. He said “I've known for a very long time that you need help so now I'll get you that help” I took the time to process all he said, which was definitely the longest speech he had come out with in god knows how long to me. Something bad must have happened at work for all this venom to erupt. I knew I needed to tread carefully but my mouth would not let me and I came out with the most childish reply I have ever uttered. I told him “At least I've got a bloody personality” He turned his back on me, he was busy on the computer then he went to bed.
I just sat in the quiet. I was shocked at his outburst, I'm also fuming that I got so mad and tongue loose with my words back at him. I still had so much I wanted to say to him but what's the point, he does not listen, he never will. I still want to know why he hates me so much. There is no way I could sleep because my head was buzzing with his words of “you need help” “you have a personality disorder, everyone I know and his family know” so how come I don't know this then. I went to get my cigarettes and he'd taken them out of my handbag, the swine, there was no way I was going to go looking for them in the bedroom. I felt real fear.
I switched on the computer to check my emails and could not access my account, it was asking for a password again, he has password protected the family computer yet again. I could not believe it.
I rang my daughter but got no answer. I rang her mother in law and she told me she was not at her place either and we started talking, she asked me how life was in this country. I told her the truth, I've wanted to leave for over two years now and told her all that husband was doing and I feared I was going mad. She told me that when her kids were school age and her husband finished work, she then went out to work whilst her husband looked after the kids, I said that is what's called good team work, a partnership, if that had been me and husband I would have my own financial independence, my own new net work of friends in this country so I suspect he knows this hence him not wanting me to have any of this.
I was mulling over this conversation later. I have been brought here and left to rot because I haven't got anyone in this country. I no longer have any back up of family or friends or work or money. He comes and goes as he likes at all hours, there is no other life in between and he has the cheek to tell me often “you rip my heart out when you start” how can he not see that my heart is permanently in pieces with his neglect and cruelty towards me and his indifference over his own flesh and blood.
I feel really sorry for our boys, they've not much of a life here at all, they only have me for company, Eldest is always nasty and spiteful to youngest so I have to always keep a close eye on them. I get no break from them whatsoever. I have always had both roles of Mum and dad to them, they know no different because it's always been this way but I know eldest craves his fathers attention. How can husband not know that you cannot be a husband or a father in name only, it all takes input and work, bloody hard work.
I sent him two texts telling him I can't take living like this, or living with him any more and I want to leave, I need to leave, me and the boys deserve better than living like this, in a country we do not want to live in. I asked could he give me the money so that we can leave before he and I destroy one another, destroy our boys. He did not reply and he did not mention it later either.
My horoscope said “If someone repeatedly proved untrustworthy and unreliable, why are you still keeping them in your life, do you still secretly believe that it’s your fault that they can’t be counted upon” How apt is that.
Why do I stay? I love him, I believe he can change, he promised me he would get help and sort himself out. I do not want a failed marriage, I do not want my boys to be from a broken home, yet it's broken now. He can be my best friend when he wants to be. I have nowhere to go, I have no family or friends here, I have no money and no transport to get away, I do not know who to contact and I would be ashamed to tell anyone anyway, I feel like a fool, I believe I'm worthless now, a bag of nerves, a gibbering wreck, how do I put into words what he does to me, it does not sound that bad when I write it all down, he does not batter me. There has got to be something wrong with me because he keeps telling me so, everyone else thinks he's a great husband and dad.
My boys are going stir crazy in this house, I heard eldest screaming at youngest “you fucking queer fuckwit, I will batter you” Eldest has no ability to keep his hands to himself when he's like this, so I have to get them apart. I told him to cut out the cursing, he said “you fucking make me, I don't give a shit, what the fuck can you do to stop me, just piss off” There is never any reasoning with this boy because he gets so violent and so nasty.
I did not notice because I was painting the outside wall of the house but eldest barricaded himself into my bedroom with the TV and his X box, when I tried to force the door open his fist came flying at my face, I let out a roar of “you dare” and he told me he thought I was youngest. I told him he was to lift no hand in violence towards anyone, he told me “fuck off” I then got a voice mail on my mobile phone, it's from eldest who's in the next room from where I am, the message was “you are an evil, fucking, bastard, bitch” I felt horror that my own son age 12 could say this to me. But I know the reality, if his father was seen to treat me with respect perhaps I would see respect from the first son I gave birth to and love with all my heart.
Two days later husband has upped the ante. I can sense things are coming to a head, he seems upbeat but ignoring both me and youngest. He asked eldest if he wanted to go into his work tomorrow so he can go on broadband and play games fast online. Eldest was delighted and I am pleased for him as both boys are normally simply a nuisance to him and get ignored but I felt very sorry for my youngest being left out and he asked me if he could go too. I asked husband, he said “maybe another day” Youngest was now crying. I asked husband for money for the next day so I could take youngest out somewhere, I got told “no, I have no spare money”
He moved the family computer into the bedroom. I didn't bother asking why but it soon became apparent, he whistled, his way of getting my attention, he asked me for an ash tray, I told him to get it himself, he asked me “are you starting” so I got him the ash tray and slammed it down on the computer desk in front of him, he said “do not be violent towards me” I laughed and asked “how the hell is that violent, it's on the computer table in front of you” he said “you slammed it down in my direction so that's your first act of violence against me” I laughed out loud, asking him “what are you on” and I walked away.
He then asked me for a lighter which I threw towards him as I would have done any other time, the lighter landed at his feet, he told me “that is your second act of violence against me tonight, do it again and I'm calling the Garda” and he reached for his mobile phone that was lying on the bed and I went into blind panic mode. I grabbed his phone before he could and locked myself in the toilet with it, I had done nothing wrong at all so why did I react as I did. He was outside the bathroom door telling me “you're fucking mental” then shouted “why have you taken my mobile phone, it's my property and you have now stolen it” I was almost hysterical and shouted thru the door “what's mental is you threatening to call the Garda on your wife on completely trumped up lies and you better think quickly, very quickly because if I'm taken out of this house by anyone due to your newest stunt to control me then I will never, ever again be seen by you the rest of my days, I will make sure I leave for good and with my boys and will let everyone know including your mother what a nut case you really are” He went quiet, then said “if you promise to behave yourself then I will not ring the Garda” I screamed at him “fuck off and do what the hell you like, ring who you like I no longer care” I stayed in the bathroom for almost an hour, too scared to leave it. When I came out all was quiet in the house. I lay on the two seater couch for the rest of the night.
He has me a complete bag of nerves. I've been crying my eyes out, I have mascara running down my blotched face, how would that have looked to anyone, never mind the Garda, me the hysterical wife, whilst the poor man who “worked his balls off all day” looked cool, calm, collected, polite, well educated, well spoken and me looking a blabbering wreck. Why in gods name would he say he was phoning the Garda. This was something new and why am I so scared. He knows I have respect bordering on fear for authority due to my early upbringing, what the bloody hell is wrong with this man. What the hell is wrong with me that I'm now a complete nervous wreck, he also knows that another huge fear of mine is having a nervous breakdown, I am convinced he is trying to make me have one, I need help and I need it now.
I slept very little, I could not work out what was going on. As soon as he woke up and put the computer on I was up. I was still fully dressed and grabbed my dogs lead and went out for a walk with her. I did not want to be around him at all any more.
I was gone for half an hour when youngest came cycling towards me. I laughed because he was never up this early when he was on holiday from school, I shouted to him “have you wet the bed lad” he was in a terrible state, he said “you need to come home now, Dad is going absolutely mental, he's trashing the house and cursing like a trooper, he says you've stolen his car keys” I said “Why on earth would I do that” I walked back home to bedlam.
The cushions were off the couch which was now on it’s side, the bed was on it’s side too, the drawers were all emptied as was the wardrobes, I have never seen him in such a fury “where are my keys you c***, you spiteful bitch” I told him “I do not know and if you did not drink so much your brain wouldn't be so addled and you would remember where you put them” He said “Don’t give me that bullshit, I know you have them, I'm calling the Garda, I'm seeing a solicitor, you're stopping me from doing my job” He emptied my hand bag, put my cigarettes and my mobile phone into his trouser pocket, took out the sky TV card from the sky box and the main fuse from the electric box.
He kept roaring at me “where are my fucking car keys” even eldest was joining in “tell him where his car keys are” I kept saying “I do not know, I do not drive, how the hell would I have his car keys” He genuinely couldn't find them as he'd upended everything and was looking outside the front of the house. I looked inside the car too but they were not there either. He threw €20 at me, I thought, here we go again and how long is he leaving for now. He rang for a taxi then accused me off ringing the taxi firm to cancel it because they took so long to come despite him having my mobile phone.
Youngest said “get out of the house now” and we went walking towards the village. I asked Eldest to come out of the house with us but he told me no, he was going to work with Dad so I left the house with youngest and started walking. I was worried about eldest being with his dad, he always said he hated his dad and his dad had never shown any interest in him till now and that worried me enormously.
We saw the taxi drive up to the house and we had to jump into a ditch to let it pass. When the taxi collected them, it came past us again, we both lifted our hands to wave, an automatic response, but they both just ignored us. When we returned to the house there was no electricity, I had forgot he'd taken the main fuse out. What kind of sane person would do that, I know he cannot possibly be sane at all. I do not know if he genuinely lost the car keys or if this was another stunt to make me think I'm going mad or if he wants to cause some huge drama to get me removed from the house, I do not know what to think any more.
In desperation I went through the phone book, there must be someone I could talk to about all this, I rang the local priest from the land line phone and he asked me “does he hit you?” I said no, he asked “is he out all the time” I said no, except at work, he asked “is he a good worker” I said “he is an excellent worker” the priest said “well you have got a good man there by the sounds of things” Gee, thanks very much I thought and slammed the phone down.
Maybe it is me after all and I sank into a very big black hole, perhaps I should go off and “fucking kill” myself, why can I not get his words out of my skull, I am unable to concentrate on anything else, so I pace, that is my stress coping skill, walking up and down in deep thought, covering miles without actually going anywhere, I looked like a mental patient from the film One Flew over the Cuckoo’s nest. I went back to the phone book and saw Woman’s Aid and rejected this as I am not a battered wife but thought they might know someone I can talk to, someone local.
When I get through to Woman's Aid I firstly apologise that I'm not suffering from Domestic Violence but I cannot go on as I have been doing and I told the lady everything that had happened the past 17 years. Once I'd exhausted myself the lady told me it is indeed Domestic Violence and one of the worst she'd heard, she said it's mental, emotional, financial and absolute total control.
I told her I have a very big mouth but I would rather have a punch than the slow torture I feel I'm put through at times and she said a lot of women say this and that mental, emotional, financial and verbal abuse is Domestic Violence and I cried like a baby, someone had listened to me, someone believed me. I told her what the priest said to me, she asked does he live with your husband, no, only you do and she gave me a number for a local place to call for support. I feel lighter already.
The stress of my life comes out in my body, chronic diarrhoea, poor appetite probably caused by most days all I get to eat is cereal and toast, severe eczema, asthma, tired all the time, my hair falling out, losing weight, shaking like a leaf inside and really bad headaches but I am so happy that I got to speak to someone and that I am not mad.
I rang the local number given to me and repeated all I had said to Women’s Aid and all that the lady had said to me and I was given an outreach appointment due to my isolation and told that would make me feel better having some support. I told her I did not realise just how frightened of him I am due to his calm collected persona and the lies about me that slip so easily from the lips he insists on kissing me with. I said when I slapped him round the face years ago in 1993 after finding his letter written to an ex girlfriend slagging me off, that he'd gone to the doctor and came back saying I'd bruised his ribs and now when he spoke to whoever, they became cracked or broken ribs depending on who he was speaking to, she asked me had he ever gone to a hospital and had an x-ray, I said no, why would he because I only ever slapped him round the face and she said, you would be surprised at the antics some men go to, to prove it is they themselves that are suffering from Domestic Violence and not their wife. I now wondered if that was his plan in the UK when he claimed I had hit him in the ribs when I had only slapped him in the face but I was a different woman then, I was financially independent, I had friends, I had places I could go to, so I still don't know why he said that. I told the lady that I have for far too many years now been questioning my own sanity over everything but I can still clearly see myself standing on the second hall stair to reach him when I slapped him round the face, I told her I have a photographic memory for all that affects me emotionally.
I just want peace, no more mind games, no more control, no more neglect, no more cruelty and no more punishments, is that too much to ask for?
After a while youngest came back into the room so the smile went back on my face and it was back to pretending to act normal.
Eldest become Dad’s best buddy and gets taken everywhere with him nowadays. I'm glad for him but I'm also very cynical, why is he now having an active role in one child’s life but not the other and I'm also worried that eldest seems to be acting more and more like Dad, he shows me no respect, he's become quite the tyrant towards me and youngest. My family is being split down the middle with Dad and eldest in one camp and me and youngest forced, squeezed out into the other, this is not natural and I can do zilch about it at the moment. It all boils down to money, they say money is the root of all evil, bollix to that, that statement must have come from the very rich who wanted to keep the very poor down, if I had any money I would be gone like a shot, husband knows it too otherwise why keep a very tight reign on HIS finances, I have access to nothing. He cannot imagine that this is a normal way of life for husbands to treat their wife can he? I wish he would put the shoe on the other foot, imagine himself in my position, would he put up with this? Would he be able to live as I have to? I bloody well doubt it very much.
I hate weekends, long drawn out and controlled within an inch of my life by the two people who should love me above all else, this is madness. They both go off, where to, I have no idea. I do not get told but me and youngest are thrilled, I told my baby to go on the computer and it was dead, the poor soul was in tears, it was working when they were on it so nothing can be wrong with it at all, Youngest told me to check the plug and someone had removed the fuse to the plug and I'm dumbstruck and furious but there is absolutely nothing that I can do. I wanted to smash the bloody thing into smithereens but that would be playing straight into his hands.
On their return they both had a McDonald’s, there was none for youngest. I thought what a lousy bastard this man is, when I questioned him I got told I could have contacted him if youngest wanted one. I cannot win at all. He knows what he's doing, I'm fading away in front of his eyes and can he not put himself in youngests shoes at all and see what he's doing to the loveliest boy alive, I will never forgive him for any of this and cannot wait to be gone from him.
He had the absolute gall to wake me up with his hands crawling all over my body. I told him to get lost, my body belongs to me and no one else, he kept asking me “why” Is he fucking mad, treating me as a nothing, as a nobody but he still wants sex, he got out of the bed and bent his head to kiss me, I turned my head away and he reverted back to the aggressor. I believe he must have a split personality, he started shouting“where are my fucking car keys you c*** you're stopping me from going to work, you're costing me money I don't have for taxi’s, I'm seeing a solicitor about this today” I thought he's an idiot and a paranoid idiot at that but I said absolutely nothing. He stormed off to wake up eldest, they were chatting and laughing and I felt a pang of jealousy, why can he not be like that with me or youngest.
He rang me in the afternoon at 2pm, he sounded completely normal, he wanted to know if the estate agents had been round, he asked me to ring and get quotes for kitchen worktops, he asked me is youngest behaving himself, my youngest always behaves himself so I immediately smelt a rat, he's in my head again and I don't know what's going on, why is he acting so nice, so normal especially after all he said this morning. I started shaking again.
I went off for my first outreach appointment. It’s not ideal, I had to take youngest and we sat outside the local hotel, my self esteem was so low that I didn't believe I was good enough to go inside the hotel, anyway its very busy and I don’t want people to overhear anything I say. The outreach woman was very nice, she said it sounded like I was putting everything into this marriage and getting nothing back at all but it's because I'm a strong person that I continued as I've done and this same strength will help me make the decision best for us all. She said any ambition I once had for myself will return again and that my husband sounds as if he has many issues that are really nothing to do with me as a person, he sounds as if he has very low self esteem himself and by his negative actions towards me makes him act the adult he'd like to be to everyone else but cannot do so, that he is very unhappy and so makes me very unhappy but this cycle will never change and as I'm the one in isolation and totally dependent on him for everything, it will be up to me to break the cycle with a complete and final break up.
I found this from an outside point of view very enlightening and it gave me a lot of food for thought. My spirits were immediately lifted but I think it was because we had a change of scenery, I got to say hi to people, I got to converse with another adult, I got to see another adult, everything that others probably take for granted every day meant the world to me. I came home smiling, I had someone I could talk to and all I had to do was pick up the phone and call them. I was so happy.
I decided it's definitely over, it's the end of my marriage. I have given my all to this man including my freedom, there is nothing more that I can do, so I need to let go, he never allowed himself to be part of a couple, part of our family. I will have to grieve for what should have and could have been but never was, the normal family life I craved for will never be had with him, it has never happened despite my pleading, begging, crying, the odds are it will never happen now. I am deeply sorry about that.
I think of my boys, if they have two parents showing no respect for one another then they will have no respect for their parents, what a vicious cycle. I was told it's normally the Mother who feels and receives the brunt of the children’s negative feelings and actions, what in gods name have we both done as parents. I am ashamed.
A penny dropped, youngest knew we were going out today to meet someone but I did not say where to or who to, he told eldest who must have told his Dad, hence the nice, polite and friendly phone call asking if youngest was behaving. I will be quizzed later no doubt.
Husband and eldest got home at a reasonable time with shopping and god help me I was thrilled, like a kid in a sweet shop, emptying bag upon bag to see what was in them. I have been self sufficient most of my life and I'm reduced to this. I know if I didn't put on the happy face, he would get in a strop and the usual crap about “I can’t make you happy” would spew forth. I asked him why he didn't take youngest out with him when youngest asked him if he could go with him this morning, he denied it happened, he said he asked youngest to go with him but he refused. Youngest ran out of the room crying his eyes out after hearing him say this. He shouted “Dad is a liar”and “you always tell us off if we lie, why is it okay for him to do it then” (out of the mouths of babes) I told youngest I believed him and I would try and make sure he got taken into dad's work. He said “I don't want to go any more because dad is just a horrible man”
I took youngest son out walking with me, he told me he was so bored living here, he asked me can we not move away and asked why does the eldest son who is never good get to go out with dad and only two weeks ago eldest threw the biggest strop because he didn't want to go shopping so he tried to kick the door of the car windows in, from the inside, then kicked me, thumped youngest on the arm and tried to head butt his dad then spat all over youngest son's new silver spy case then climbed on to the flat roof of the house and lobbed roof tiles at us but because husband is not talking to me eldest got his computer back that I'd removed from him for bad behaviour and he also gets to go into dads work and play games on broadband whilst youngest son gets nothing.
I feel so sorry for my youngest, he is always good, he has never been violent with anyone, he is always so good and so helpful and his father just ignores his very existence. The only time he has ever reacted is when he gets sick to the back teeth of his brother calling him “fucking queer fuckwit” a hundred times or more per day, even if he attempts to talk to his brother or show him something he gets told “fuck off queer boy” My youngest son is such a soft, gentle and sensitive boy. He does not understand how dad and his brother get to bully us, hurt us and treat us so badly. I do not know myself but promised him we will soon be gone from all this madness.
Youngest is so good and I am so proud of him. He is gorgeous, yet I still see him as Dopey from snow white. I absolutely love and adore him, I live for him and his brother. I swear my heart bursts into lights of joy in his presence. He is sensitive, gentle, kind, a bloody nightmare with his mouth (which he inherited from moi) he is intelligent, lonely, shy, stubborn and the nicest boy I have ever known, even if he were not mine I would still say this, we have bond I hope never breaks. This child of mine was born with the umbilical cord around his neck twice and was not breathing at birth and when he did it was with medical intervention and I almost fainted with relief and joy. Daddy was not there because he went back to bed after calling the ambulance for me when I went into labour.
It's been relatively quiet due to no one talking. Eldest son is over the moon at getting to go to Dads work, he can go on a computer all day and be in town where all life is instead of stuck in this god forsaken place and left to rot as me and youngest are. For good measure husband takes out the land line and hides it, FFS, the paranoid twat. I think I'm heading for a nervous breakdown, I've lost a stone in four weeks, I cannot stop running to the toilet, I feel sick all the time, I'm hardly eating, not that there is much food anyway and I'm constantly shaking inside, I wish I could go to the doctor but I have no money to pay him. We have decided to put the house on the market, it starts a conversation or rather a list of things he wants me to do, I have to contact the estate agents then ring around places to price up worktops etc, how am I to do that with no phone I asked, he told me where the phone was, he even asks me how youngest is, that was a surprise. I immediately think he's up to something, that he must have another cruel stunt planned. I ask myself why is he acting so normal, why is he acting like two different people. I have no answer. I never do.
I went off to my meeting with "my friend" the local support worker. I found it very interesting, she is so nice, she can see the outside view, she said that I seem to be putting everything into this marriage and getting nothing in return, that when I left twice before and came back it proved that I had strength, that I refused to give up on us and that same strength will help me stay strong to get out and stay out for good this time. That I need to be able to break this unhealthy cycle once and for all, I can see that me putting up with everything has given him permission to simply carry on as he wants to, I've been allowing it to happen and due to him not having to change cause why should he because I'm still around means he hasn't had to change and probably never will and do I still want this life at age 50 and 60 years old. I don't want it now, I should not have had it the past 16 years, I will get out and I will have a peaceful and stress free life, and get me back one day I hope, there is nothing left for me and him any more, I've done all I can and I need to learn to now let go, to grieve for what should have been, the normal family life that I wanted for us all but never had, even when I begged, pleaded, cried and screamed for it, it's not happened in all these years so what's the chances of it happening now. I was told with eldest son that it's normal the Mother gets the brunt of any negative feeling from him.
Husband was on his way home from working 200 miles away but all in all I have had a good day, especially because I had another adult to talk to, one that is not in my situation, I really do think she is helping me as my spirits are now up after the cloud of offloading and doom and gloom had lifted. The boys have been good all day and are looking forward to seeing Big Brother on TV. I hope it does not rain or the tele will be buggered as he still hasn't drilled the satellite dish to the wall outside, he has it resting on one of the kids old plastic toy boxes, I assume for fast removal by him if I “do not behave”
He got home at 9.30pm, he looked tired and fed up and up rises my loving instincts but I'm not falling for it this time, only I and I alone know that he can stretch and pull my emotions and to be honest maybe I'm getting selfish but I cannot and will not allow him to hurt me any more. He sat beside me and put his head on my shoulder, I immediately stiffened. He was blowing hot and I knew for a fact that the cold wouldn't be far away, yet I so still wanted to hold him and love him but the cold, cruel and calculating, punishing side of him could return in nano seconds so my antenna was high. He asked me if I was alright, I asked him if he had eaten, he nodded yes. I went off to run a bath for him and once I done that he told me don't bother I'll have one later. He asked me if I went anywhere today, I wondered why on earth would he asked me that, I wondered if he'd bugged the house phone again, he loves all that underhand stuff, he once wanted to have his own business selling covert stuff and its actually legal to sell bugging equipment but it's illegal to use it unless you notify the person you are eavesdropping on, which defeats the purpose really.
I went off to wash the dishes and he immediately followed me and stood behind me and put his hands around my waist and I froze. I was searching in my head all that the outreach person had said today that made me feel strong but when push came to shove I was having great difficulty putting anything into practice. I told him I was busy just now and he walked away into the bedroom. I stayed in the living room. He had control of the sky channels from the bedroom, whatever was on in the bedroom can also be watched in the living room but he rarely watched TV because he was always on his computer, so whoever was with him in the bedroom was the person flicking thru the channels continually, I knew it must be eldest. I shouted out whoever is changing the channels please stop because it's giving me a headache, I heard husband say “it is annoying” Eldest roared “fuck off” husband told him to shut up, eldest said “no, why should I for that fucking whore” I went ballistic and roared at him to get into his own bedroom and he was not allowed on his own computer for a week now, he shouted “like you are going to fucking stop me” I told him “I'm your mother and you will do what I tell you to do” he started chanting “fuck off, fuck off, fuck off” I asked husband “are you going to do nothing whilst our son talks to me like this” he said “I have told him to shut up, what more do you want me to do” I said “try acting like a father and try respecting your wife” not a sound came out of him. I went back to the living room and switched off the TV, eldest must have thought I switched off his computer as he shouted “I will fucking kill her” I told him “one more word out of you and you will lose your computer for good” he again chanted “fuck off, fuck off” only then did I take his computer plug out of the wall socket and tell him “you had your chance, now go to your own bed room” he grabbed my hand and tried to force the plug out of my hand and he succeeded and put the plug back into the socket, I said “no way are you doing that” he took the plug out and also the double adaptor it was plugged into and he thrust it into my face. I thought I'd lost my teeth the pain was so bad and my mouth was completely numb, he said “If I were you I would get out of my fucking way, you fat fucking whore” then spat straight into my face. I have never been so disgusted by anyone or anything like I felt at that moment. Husband was standing behind me, he said “all of you stop this noise now” Youngest was horrified at what he'd just seen and he leapt on his brother but got thrown to the ground by him. I was shouting at husband for help, asking him if he was just going to stand there and watch what eldest was doing to me and youngest. Husband said “I heard nothing and I saw nothing and you have been goading eldest and you were looking for a fight, in fact I could tell you were itching for a fight the minute I walked into the house” I knew at that precise moment that I was doomed.
I was in such a state at the utter madness happening here and what was being said and I realised this was now deadly serious.
I rang my daughter in hysterics, she told me to get out of the house and go for a walk, I grabbed my bag and coat and left the house, it was raining so hard outside but I didn't care. Youngest came running behind me, he had a brolly with him, god love him having to live and witness and go thru all this, it's a fucking crying shame, I am so ashamed at having nothing at all to get us out of here.
Daughters husband rang me when we were out, he said “I am getting flights to get you and youngest out of there”
After two hours of walking in the rain and in the pitch black we went back to the house. Youngest pointed thru the living room window and he said “you are not going to believe it but eldest is on his computer after all he did to us” I tried the car door to see if we could sleep in that for the night but husband had put an alarm on it that was not on it before. We were both soaked to the skin so the temper came up in me and I stormed into the house and ordered eldest into his bedroom, he told me to “fuck off” Husband was on the computer with his back to me but he turned and looked me right in the eye and he had a smirk on his face, I could not believe it, I thought I must have been seeing things but no, the smirk was still on his face, a very strange smirk. I told youngest to get out of his wet clothes and get into the bed in my room so I could keep him safe. I rang daughter again, she said she had a real go at eldest online but he just kept typing “fuck off” to her then deleted her as a contact. I went to bed. I did not know where husband was now and I didn't care.
I think he must have been correct all along, it must be me who is completely gaga and off my rocker, a psychopathic bitch is what he always calls me, plus I'm not right in the head, blah, blah, blah.
I woke up to him all over me. I thought I was dreaming, his hands were touching parts of me that are no longer his to claim any more. I sat straight up and told him “do not touch my body” over and over again, he asked me “why not, you're my wife” For fuck sake, did last night not happen, was he not party to being a spectator to my son's verbal and physical abuse of me, did he not take my son and change him to his way of being in 12 hours flat, did he not give our child the impression that it's okay to do what he did by not insisting he stop and apologise by not being a decent Father and teaching him that it's not okay to act and say what he said to his own Mother. He then said “I don't fucking want you anyway” I then panicked because I remembered youngest had been at the bottom of the bed last night and was no longer there. I ran to check the other bedroom and he was fast asleep in his bunk bed. I cannot live this way another day. Husband then got up and again asked me why I said he was not to touch me ever again. I looked at him as if he was stupid, he cannot be serious, he's acting like nothing at all happened last night and he was party to what eldest said and did to me and he himself said he'd seen and heard nothing. He walked away and put the kettle on. I looked in the mirror, my lips are swollen and the right side of my face is bruised. I feel worthless. He walked back in the bedroom and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. Mr normal is back in town but I'm not falling for it. I got my own tea. He told me he would sort out his finances but I needed to sign the house over to him first. I did not answer. He asked me if I wanted to go to Enniskillan, I have rarely left this house since we moved in, the last time he was taking me there, Eldest had an awful violent tantrum and I ended up in casualty getting an injection because I hurt my back jerking away from eldest kicking me. I wondered if husband wants something like this to happen again to me, he never takes me anywhere so I was very suspicious. But on the other hand he might be regretting what happened to me at eldest's hands and from eldest's vile mouth so I gave him his answer. I told him to “fuck off to hell” Not very lady like of me but it felt great having a slight bit of gumption after all the shit that had been going on. He went out taking eldest with him, telling me he had to go to work. I was so glad I told him to fuck off to hell because he must have been going into work all along and just wanted the satisfaction of upsetting me before he let me down again.
I'm disgusted with my eldest son, only 6 months ago I got him to a counsellor as his behaviour was getting so bad and he told the woman that he hated his father. Now in mere weeks he has the attention of his dad for the first time in 13 years and it's now me he hates. And all because his father needs someone on side. Kids should never be used this way.
I rang my daughter. She booked flights for me and youngest for next week, she said she'd spoken to husband and gave him what for, he off course denied everything but she knows him too well, she said she called him every name under the sun and he stayed as calm as a cucumber and he kept changing the subject and talking about general stuff, that man is mental she said, oh dear daughter I do know that now.
Once he got home from work he was following me around like a bad smell. My eyes were so swollen from crying last night that I couldn't even escape to go on my country walk, my dog is permanently at my feet, her doe like chocolate melting eyes seem to be crying too and she started me off again. I hugged her soft long coat and felt her warmth. I wish I had a Mother of my own, I need a genuine non sexual hug to take away the pain, to make things better, to tell me lies that it will be better, to make me feel safe and secure but there is no Mother, there is no one so I'd better get my fighting spirit back. I looked in the mirror again at my swollen lips and the right side of my bruised face. I feel worthless. He walked away from me and put the kettle on. He then came out with the most amazing statement that my life on planet earth has ever heard, he repeated what he told me last night “I knew you were itching for a fight last night, I could sense it, I did not want to come home because I knew that it would happen, I knew as soon as I walked in the door that you were up for a fight” WHAT THE FUCK!!! I had a good day, I was looking forward to watching Big Brother with the kids, I went to the living room to be on my own because I was avoiding confrontation with HIM not itching to start it. I have been alone now for months, been alone with the kids all day and every bloody day, so how the hell does me wanting time alone, time solo, mean I was itching for a fight, the mind boggles. I am so disgusted and so beaten down now I had no words left in me to beat him round the head with, he sensed this which is why he was seeking some sort of verbal response from me. I threw him the filthiest look I could muster and it worked, he walked away. He and eldest left the house, to where I've no idea and I do not care. The past few days, weeks, months, years have caught up with me and I'm wiped out, I have no energy, I just want to sleep, my baby covered me up with a blanket and my dog jumped up on the bed and I drifted off. At 9pm, they were still not back but I knew they soon would be because just like my dog my hackles were rising, my defences were getting ready with no conscious effort from me. They got back at midnight, he went off to sleep in boys room. I sighed with relief.
At 6.10am he came into the bed room and woke me, he said sorry!! Christ, what is he going to do to me now that he's apologising in advance for, he said do you want tea. At 6.10am, no thanks, he asked me if I had any smokes left, I've none because he did not get me any, he left and I went back to sleep. I'm so bloody tired, disgusted and beaten down by these two who should love me and treat me with respect at all times. I find it so strange that they are so alike and not just in looks. Neither of them can confront anyone outside of the house but are treacherous bullies in the house.
Daughter rang me and asked if I knew about the conversation husband had with her man on instant messenger. I did not. He told her man if daughter ever spoke to eldest again the way she did last night (for telling him off for what he said and did to me) that he would take the message he's saved on the computer to a solicitor because it was an abusive threat to eldest's physical health. Daughters man said I spoke to your wife last night and she was so distressed that she could not talk and any abuse was to your wife and daughter will support her Mum when and if needed. Daughters man then got by husband that the only abuse was from his wife and wife alone. My God, the lies, the crap, the bull shit. He had stood watching and hearing everything from eldest and he did nothing to help me.
When I got off the phone with daughter I was furious. I texted husband telling him I would rather have a thief than a liar. I went out walking or rather stomping, the old me was again resurfacing. After two hours me and youngest returned, his car was outside the cottage. In my head I was thinking, I'm ready for anything now. I opened the door and the place was in chaos, he removed the computer from the bedroom back into the living room, I don't care, at least when he's on it now thru out the night and into the early hours of the morning it wont wake me up, the telephone was also now in the living room. I went onto the computer and he has us all on separate accounts, twat.
When we bought this place (which I did not want to buy) all our belongings were in boxes as we were going to do the place up, sell it and return home, so we never bothered unpacking except for essential things, I have missed all my familiar things around me and had no photo's on the wall etc, so I decided to make a positive start and start separating boxes into his and ours, he was pacing back and forth, instead of just asking right out what was I doing which was bloody obvious he walked up to me and touched what I was taking out or adding to the boxes. I wished I could have given him a swift kick in the balls, by God that would make me feel so good, why don't I then, I get accused enough of all kinds of shit but I don't and I won't because I would be playing straight into his hands. I had a break by sitting at the computer. Daughter had not given me the flight details yet and I did not want her to send me the details by e mail because he has software that reads everything, I could change my password every single day and he would know what it's been changed to. The computer screen was blank, there was nothing on it at all. All my files, my photographs, everything has gone. I rang daughter and told her what he'd done, he yelled at me that I needed to get off the fucking computer and he will start transferring all my stuff from his account to a new one he's given me, I know for a fact if I'd not told her in front of him that he would never have suggested doing so. Four hours after saying this he still hadn't done it. In his presence I rang the support worker and left a message on their answer phone, saying I really needed to see her tomorrow, he didn't know who I was ringing but he knew someone else must now know what was going on, when I hung up I dialled directory enquiries so he couldn't redial and know who I left the message with. As I suspected as soon as I hung up the phone he demanded to use the phone but stated the line was engaged, I just know he hit the redial button. I asked him for money because me and youngest are going away next week and he gave me €200, he said that's all he had and all your getting. Is that right I said when I worked every part time job known to man for all of my marriage, I solely looked after the house and the children, I calculated how much it would cost him for my services if he had to employ me and got met with contempt, he did tho say he would try and get some more money out tomorrow but he's skint, is he ever anything else and where the hell does this money go, he's just been paid, he's just received his expenses, he's just received income from the rented property in London and telling me he is skint, my arse he is.
I got told by him I'm only allowed on the family computer when he and eldest are not using it.
Cable wire is everywhere, I asked him if he was bugging the phone line again, he looked at me like I was mad and said “don't be silly, that's illegal isn't it” but it never stopped him before. He bugged the phone line of a tenant he wanted rid of in London. He could tell me word for word every conversation I ever had with anyone on the phone, no matter where we lived.
My poor youngest asked for permission to go on the computer. Eldest had been on theirs for hours and told him “no, fuck off” husband told him to let his brother on it. Eldest was not happy but allowed youngest on the computer that was built for them both to use. Youngest had only been on it for 20 minutes when eldest decided he'd been on it long enough. He said “get off it now queer boy” Youngest said “no, I'm just on it” husband told eldest “give him 5 more minutes to finish what he's doing” eldest was not having that and tipped the chair that youngest was sitting on to get him off. Youngest punched eldest on the arm then ran off to the bedroom and grabbed one of eldest's computer games and threatened to snap it, he was shouting “I'm taking no more out of you or out of dad” Husband grabbed youngest “to restrain him” whilst I was screaming blue murder trying to get husband off him, Eldest was now screaming about his game and kicked youngest hard whilst youngest was being “restrained” by his own fucking father. Youngest was now crying in pain and frustration and anger. I gave husband the biggest push I could and freed youngest from his grip and got him out of the room, youngest was yelling “why should I be good all the time when that bastard” he pointed to his brother “is constantly rewarded for bad behaviour, why does dad let him do this to me all the time, why does dad hate me” Husbands voice then said “I do not hate you, I hate your mother and you're her fucking mini me” I was shocked to the core. Youngest said whilst still crying “I would rather be my mum's mini me than your nutter side kick” Husband said in a sarcastic voice “now you should really know by now that violence is never the answer (what I always say to my boys) “I was only stopping you from being violent to your brother” Youngest said “bullshit and in future just go back to what you do best, pretend I do not exist at all” and this sweet boy of mine never swears and has never cheeked or back chatted his dad ever.
We are both nothing to no one in this house.
I lifted the land line phone again and rang the Outreach number again in his presence. I was beyond caring of the consequences. I left a voice mail telling them I cannot carry on this way any longer and described what had just taken place with my youngest son being restrained by his dad and kicked by his brother and I would appreciate if someone could ring me back once the weekend was over. He was in the kitchen and my call appeared to stop him in his tracks. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands.
I rang daughter and told her what just happened to youngest, she said “I'm getting flights for you to get the hell out of there before either of them really hurt you both or make you do something to yourself” I told her I'm not physically afraid of him but he knows exactly what he's doing, he may act like he doesn't but his body language and facial expression tells me he knows what he's doing to us and if it was a slap or a punch I would see that coming but this mental stuff was leaving me a basket case and I'm now beaten down so much and my poor youngest cannot put up with this, it's bad enough all the abuse he suffers from his brother verbally and physically but what just happened to him is more than either of us can take.
I told youngest we're leaving the country in two days, he was over joyed and asked if it was for ever, I said unfortunately not because I had legal stuff to sort out before we can do that but at least we will have a break from this and I will not leave his side so nothing else will happen to him in this house.
I heard Michael Buble on the radio “ Home” that is my song now as it is all I want to do, go home.
It is the 29th of June and I have been out in the family car merely a few times and once was to the hospital to get an injection for severe pain in my back, he has asked me twice if I wanted to go food shopping but something else came up for him and this was postponed. I'm so low in his eyes that I deserve to be kept shut away to rot in my own company because he decided I am not worth his. Yes I do have youngest but he deserves a life of his own too, all we do is walk, he is so like me he loves other peoples company and he loves chatting. Eldest and Dad are now the best of buddies, they come and go as they please and it breaks my heart. Its now Sunday and he promised eldest he would take him into his office because there's something eldest wants to download. Before they left youngest came to me and asked if he could go too, I asked husband, he said I already asked him and he said no and they left the house without youngest When I told youngest he started crying and said “dad is lying, dad's not spoken to me at all, he's not spoken to me in ages, if he had asked me I would have gone cause I'm so fed up in this house” I suggested to him that we go for a walk but he said, “that's boring and I hate it here and I hate dad and brother”
They both got back late. I told him about youngest and how upset he was, he didn't reply to what I was saying, instead he asked if I needed money (do bears shit in the wood I thought to myself and then thought why the sudden turn around, yet again I was in defence mode as to what would occur next) I noticed he'd taken off his wedding ring and for some reason this upset me but I did not show it. I know the marriage is over but he could at least have waited until I'd gone, the bastard. I found his ring sitting on the computer desk and told him I'd thrown it in the farmers field next door to the house, he said “that's appropriate, it meant shit to me and now the cows will shit all over it” I haven't thrown it away at all, it meant something to me, even if it meant nothing to him. Why the hell does this man still have the power to upset me. I will be honest and say it felt like a kick in the teeth, a physical sign that this marriage was over and done with, yet why does he still try to kiss me and sleep with me, this is all a huge big mess, I do still love him, I am still in love with him, god knows why I do. I cannot begin to imagine how I am going to live without him, I cannot even have my mind go near that image at the minute but he will not change, he sees no need to change, he is still insisting that its all down to me. If I behaved myself then everything between us would be alright, in other words, do not talk at all, do not have an opinion, do not want any kind of life, do be a Stepford wife.
He was up till 2am putting in the cooker in the kitchen then jumped into bed beside me and had his hands all over me like a rash, did he actually expect me to respond to him with all that was going on, he was laughing and said you know you want to. No I don't and no I didn't.
He went off this morning without eldest, he said he would return at lunchtime and pick one of them up to get them out the house, I knew it would not be my youngest he picked up. I wished to god he could see the irreparable damage he's doing, how the hell can he ever hope to have a relationship with youngest when he's showing outright favouritism for eldest and I know it's all an act, this is not him at all. As expected he returned and asked “who wants to come with me” and he was out of the door with eldest before anyone got a chance to answer. I took youngest out on a long walk, he's bored rigid, he's getting cheeky and who can blame him. I sent husband a text, asking could he bring back some shopping, I got a surprising answer of “do you wanna come” I said no, the image of him walking round a supermarket with his arm casually tossed over my shoulder to enact the happy couple scenario is more than my stomach could stomach and I would have been unable to eat anything. I told him youngest would like to go though and tried to make him see that the child needed to get out, he said he would get back later for him. They returned at 6.30pm, I was shocked at the early return. Youngest was ready to go, he had been for a while. Eldest stomped in, accusing youngest of spoiling his time on dad's works computer as he had something to download that was urgent, he asked his brother “why the fuck do you want to go out” I ushered youngest into the kitchen with me. I was furious at the selfishness of his brother but I also understood his attitude, he was out and about, he got the Father he never had before and he did not want anyone to muscle in on that.
Youngest went out with his father and I was really pleased for him, I had told him to be on his best behaviour but he is never anything else anyway. They got back at 7.30pm with shopping. He and youngest put the shopping away and I heard them chatting. I was glad. Youngest has as much right to a relationship with his father as eldest does. I was hoping he saw his son as the beautiful boy/son/child he is and that he acted accordingly in future.
June
I feel so low. I am crying one minute and then fine the next. I got a phone call from him, moaning about the work he had to do and raging that he'd just been given a further list as long as his arm he said and that he felt like telling the boss to fuck off because he will never complete everything in time. I did try and sound sympathetic but I got met with, “why the fuck am I telling you, you're just a selfish bitch” and he hung up on me. I went onto the computer, it came alive but he's now password protected access to his e mail accounts and mine are on his desktop. I can normally see all his computer files and he can see mine too but not when he does not want me to and I cannot access mine today because he's made me a guest on it, the rage that put me in. I have been using computers for years but I am not literate enough to by pass what he's done so I made a quick call to my daughter and got the info I needed and changed his e mail password so I could access mine. Every morning when he goes on the computer, he automatically downloads his e mails and mine at the same time so I've never had problems before till lately.
I got a furious phone call from him, “how dare you interfere with my personal stuff” he screamed “you're stopping me from doing my work” but I know he has a completely different e mail account for his work, in fact he has around 20 e mail addresses but was screaming down the phone at me shouting “what is the fucking password” all I could think was, can he see how I feel now when he constantly does this to me, he then said “I do not want you to send e mails from my address without my knowledge” by god this man was getting fast on his feet with his lies, I demanded to know who I sent emails to and when I apparently did this, off course there was no reply because it never happened, he just screamed at me, “I am so fucking angry with you and I know you're mentally ill and you need help and you need it fast and I am going to get you that help” and he cut me off.
I was so frustrated I sent him the following text which I knew I would suffer for later but I did not care at that moment in time.
“You stupid man, the only time you come alive or get animated is when it's to do with work or money, do not dare swear and call me names, if you have the right to access my email accounts then I have the right to access yours too, as for telling me I'm mentally ill, who made me that way, if you are now medically qualified to state such matters. You are a control freak who keeps me a prisoner here and I tell the truth unlike you, what you are doing to me has a name and its domestic violence and I'm not taking it any more, you might not hit me but what you do is much worse than physical violence, I would have the chance to hit you right back if I could see what was coming towards me but with you and your abuse I never know what is coming”
I rang my daughter, she said just ignore him and switch off like he does, but I cant. I left the cottage with youngest. I had a need to go to the chapel, so me and youngest changed our isolated walking route and went to the nearest town. I was embarrassed by the fact that I couldn't pay for the candle that I lit but I'm sure God will understand and I promised to return and pay for the candle as soon as I had any money.
I have an appointment with the support lady today.
When I got back after the appointment, I was feeling low, lonely, tired and miserable. The lady was very encouraging but today I think I'm beyond any help. I know there's huge storm coming and I do not think I'm strong enough to cope with it. I can feel it in my bones, a very doom and gloom forecast is on the horizon.
I can see from talking to the lady that I'm never going to understand this man, she believes that he has issues that only he can deal with, they are his problem and not mine, just because he projects all his crap onto me does not make them my fault, he needs to sort himself out, I cannot do that for him, I'm not his Mother, he needs me as a sounding board but when I say the wrong thing I then become the target. I cannot fix his life at all and all I do is perpetuate the cycle, I will never be an equal partner to him, I need to be strong and summon every ounce of strength I possess to switch off when he pushes my buttons. I'm entitled to my own space so I need to be more assertive when it comes to him thinking he can touch my body if and when he wants, there does not have to be an argument about it, just tell him no and stick to it, when he sulks etc just ignore him, this is his problem, allowing myself to get sucked into a battle of words etc becomes a power struggle, there is no team any longer with us so it's okay for me to be my own person, to know what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.
I could bang my head of a wall right now because despite everything, despite how much I hate what he is doing I know that I still love him, he knows it too which is why everything he does and says affects me so much and now and again I get the glimmer of the man I loved and adored and when I am happy to have him back he changes again. I think I must be going completely fucking mad.
I know I'm waiting to see the man I love again and I know that its not going to happen at all, a line has been crossed, we are each others enemy now and I do not know why, my own happiness and survival should matter to me, I have done enough and got nowhere. I've decided when I do leave that I have no contact with him for at least 6 months except in case of emergencies, the kids can contact him as and when they like and I do really hope that he will miss them enough to make the effort but past experience tells me otherwise but I will live in hope. I think not being in touch with him is a good idea as I know there will be horrendous feelings of loneliness, grief and bereavement that we shall both probably feel. What the hell am I talking about, I have been suffering from those same feeling for far too many years now. I am so angry, I could shake that man for all that he is losing. I know that he will never leave me, he would never want to be seen by anyone as having done that to his wife and kids. The man thinks I'm stupid but I know deep down that his manipulation skills and abuse are his way of ensuring I'm pushed out, that I'm the one leave. I am convinced he's met someone else and god help that woman.
He asked me to cut his hair, he kept putting his arms around my waist, it's strange that we are still so damn well attracted to one another physically but I squirmed away from him, he was chatty and friendly, he asked me what my plans were once I leave, he asked was I sure I'll be able to cope with the boys on my own ( I alone have raised my boys) I tread carefully with my answers, it should not have to be this way, should it? He asked if we could sleep together tonight for company! What part of we are over now does he not get.
He told me he got €600 for expenses today and he gave me €100 and asked me to sign a receipt for it then said he needed €50 back as the rest had gone “I don't not know what it was spent on except it went in dribs and drabs” In one bloody day he has got thru €500, I did not believe a word of it, he told me to make the €50 last me as long as I could. I could weep.
How can you say you have a marriage when all you actually do to nurture that marriage is give your other half food (sometimes) and shelter and nothing else. This is breaking my heart I want to shake some sense into him and by god I have done so in a jocular manner, wake up, smell the coffee, you have a wife who loves and adores you, two wonderful kids who are healthy, your own health but no, nothing has worked and I can do nothing more. He chose this life for us, I was not consulted, there was no discussion between two adults, he chose, full stop. I know I will never get over this, never.
I hate the way he treats me.
I hate the way he just ignores me.
I hate the way he has our eldest on side after ignoring him most of his life and so has split this family right down the middle.
I hate the way he has simply left me to rot not deserving of any others company and especially not his.
I hate that I have no financial independence.
I hate that he has never taken me out socially.
I hate that he has never taken an interest in his kids.
I hate how easily he lies about nonsensical things and about me.
I hate that he tells me he loves me but treats me with disdain.
I hate that he thinks my body is his when and if he wants it but if I want his he will refuse me.
I hate that he is so good to people who do not matter.
I hate that he sees me as his enemy.
I hate that he cannot see what he does is not right. It’s mental.
Another outreach appointment, it seems I am just living for them at the minute as I am getting ignored by both husband and eldest.
On talking to the Outreach lady, she thinks I could never be able to peel away the many layers that make up my husband, to me that says I've been fighting a losing battle since day one and it makes me feel so sad and very bloody angry. She said nagging (that’s what he calls conversation from me) does not make an unhappy marriage, he needs to fix himself and I need to let him because I am not his Mother but am acting so by running to his rescue each and every time he needs me to, so I will never be an equal partner in his eyes. All that made sense to me as it describes my feelings for him, I love him unconditionally. I need to be strong, try and ignore everything he does to make me react and internalise my emotions as and when he pushes my buttons, that is easier said than done. That I am entitled to my own space so I should be more assertive when it comes to my body, there does not need to be any argument, I just need to tell him NO, it is his problem if he sulks, makes life difficult (can it be any more so) put his behaviour back on who it belongs, him, do not get sucked into any acrimonious power struggles, let it go, you're no longer part of a team, you never were, be strong. I have no idea how to do this though. I am still hoping for a last minute miracle from him.
I said to the woman that despite everything I truly do still love him, I am still in love with him, she threw it back at me and asked “what do you love about him” and I was stumped, I had to think for a minute or two and replied “I love his smell, I could find him if I was blind, when he's in good form, he's the greatest man on earth, kind, gentle, dependable, strong, everything I want, need and expect in a man, I feel safe from everything with him” She asked how often does this happen, “not enough, very rarely” I answered.
He rang me from his work, he said he will come home at lunch time today because he is working locally and he would take one of the boys with him. I know it will not be our youngest. He took our eldest. He later sent me a text asking if I wanted to go out and get shopping with him, I said yes, he got back at 6.30pm, me and youngest were ready to go out and so looking forward to it even if it was just to go to the supermarket in town. Eldest came storming thru the front door roaring at me “why the fuck do you two want to go out, I did not get long enough to play on my game” He'd been out for over 5 hours, I told him to mind his own business. He then refused to go out shopping, I stayed behind with him so husband and youngest went out together. I was hoping he interacted with this wonderful boy of ours.
They returned at 7.30pm and I helped empty the shopping bags, husband told me to sit down “because you need a break” my antenna went on red alert, he bought his usual cider and vodka too, he poured me a drink, he sat beside me and grabbed my hand to hold, I made an excuse and left the room. Youngest told me he did not feel well, he said he had a headache too, I felt his forehead and he had a temperature, I got him Calpol, Eldest was in the bedroom already and he screamed at youngest to get out of the room, I told him his brother was going to bed to sleep because he wasn't well and he had to quit the shouting and let his brother sleep in peace. I left the room, eldest was saying to youngest “you're nothing but a queer shite aren't you, just admit it” youngest shouted “can you hear him, can you hear what he's saying to me, can you come and make him stop” I went in and told eldest to stop with the foul mouth or he would not be going anywhere with his dad tomorrow or any other day, he said “Oh just fuck off, you old fucking whore” I told him “do not dare speak to me like that” he said “too late, I just did so what the fuck are you going to do about it” I walked out to husband and said you can hear all he's saying, will you please do something about it, husband was sitting in front of the computer and shouted “I want you all to shut up” then to me he said “you need to stop goading Eldest” I was beyond shocked, I am nothing in this house.
Youngest said he couldn't sleep in same room as his brother because he kept whispering bad stuff to him and kicking his mattress from the bottom bunk bed. I got his mattress off his bed and dragged it into the living room and I lay down on the couch and played a relaxation tape to help us both. After half an hour youngest was fast asleep. Husband came out of bedroom and roared “are you two taking the fucking piss, I've work to get to in the morning” Youngest then woke up and started crying telling me not to let dad go mad again. I promised him I wouldn't.
I rang the Samaritans, the man I talked to said he was sorry I was living such a drastic life, he advised I get away from it as fast as possible. He told me to go see a local priest as that would mean I had someone to talk to as he would be worried I ended up with a serious stress injury due to isolation. I walked with Youngest to the village chapel and lit a candle, I would not be able to talk to any priest.
I met the outreach lady outside the local hotel. She advised I have to internalise my emotions as me reacting could cause me potential harm. She said I'm entitled to my own space and should be more assertive when it comes to him being glued by my side when he decides to get home and insists on holding my hand especially after a row and to tell him no when he has his hands crawling all over me after cursing me out or threatening me, she says there does not have to be any argument about it, just tell him no, she said I do not have to explain, I just have to keep saying no and that it's his problem if he sulks or storms off or makes life difficult, I need to put the emphasis back on who it belongs to, him, I need to stay outside of his box, not get sucked in to any acrimonious power struggles, to just let it go, to be my own person, I am no longer part of any team, I never was, to be my own boss, do my own thing, be and stay strong. I know it's all good in theory but I'm wrecked with all he does, he leaves me unable to think straight or even trust myself any more, if what he says or what he does is real or not real any more. I felt better when I left the woman and my boys have also had a good and stress free day so I feel stronger in myself.
Probably due to Husband now knowing that someone else knows what's going on in this house by the voice mail I left to Outreach he handed Youngest an envelope a few hours later and told him “give that to your mother” I'm in the same room a mere two feet away from him, the envelope had €300 in it. He demanded I sign his receipt book for it.
I just have to hold on for two more days then we will be gone for a week and I can have peace to sort my head out as to what to do to get away for good. I asked Eldest to come away with us for a break because no matter what he's done he's still my son but I got told “fuck off, I'm going nowhere with you pair of c****” that’s all he says to me these days, he and Husband are as thick as thieves and two peas in a pod. And it breaks my heart that he's being used like this by his own father. The manipulative, spineless bastard that he is.
We spent a week in London, I went to see a solicitor there for free, I was advised that if I did not go back I will be seen as having abandoned both my son and the house and that I need to see a solicitor in Ireland and deal with it all in my domiciled country. That won't happen because he will find out and as bad as life is now it will only get worse. I was trying to relax and trying to think positively, I had thought of never returning but I need to, I looked into the possibility of staying here but with nothing at all to my name it's just impossible and I want my Eldest with me, I want my dog with me, how can other people just think of what they want in life and it's there for the taking, how come life is so not fair at times, nah, this has nothing to do with life at all, its all him, that fucker of a man who does not give stuff about anyone except himself.
Whilst I and Youngest are at daughters I took my journal out and re read and it kills me that I've been so weak. Daughter talks to me about the pro’s and cons and how to do things legally. I told her my fears about Eldest and she said he would soon have back the dad that never gave a toss about him before now but I have to leave and allow him to make his own decision because he's now old enough to do so. I said he cannot be old enough because he would see exactly what is going on with his dad right now and I'm fearful for him being used till he's not needed any more, she said maybe the break away will have made him miss you and that his dad will soon revert back to type with him and there is nothing I can do till it gets to that stage. I told her maybe Husband will realise all too and that having to work and be an active parent and cope with housework and laundry and cooking is not a walk in the park. She asked why I still believed in miracles. I don't.
I loved being back in London, it has been great here, no one bullying or controlling us, Youngest said at least he's not invisible here, he gets spoken to, is asked how he is, we chatted non stop with no fear of being worried that what we talk about will be misheard or misinterpreted. It feels like we are enjoying freedom.
Husband sent me an email, the time he sent it was 4am. I got worried, if he was awake at that time of the morning then it's a bad sign because he becomes a basket case with no sleep, “you are out of the country but still managing to disturb my sleep, can I pay you to stay away for longer” I showed daughter, she said he is one nutter and no one knows how he even managed to get a woman like you and by that email, it could be read as if you are harassing him at 4 in the morning. I did not even think of it like that. I'm just worried about Eldest, I sent him a text, I got no reply, I emailed him, I got no reply, daughter rang him and got told “fuck off” by Eldest and he hung up on her. She said if he's big and ugly enough to talk to her like that then he can take care of himself.
But no matter how big Eldest is, he's still my baby. I rang husband, he had his sick voice on, he uses that when he rings his boss. He told me he had the day off work because he's ill. I immediately smelt a rat, he would have to be in his coffin before he would take a day off work. I told him I'm not stupid and asked what was he up to now. His voice remarkably recovered, he told me it was none of my business and had I heard that curiosity killed the cat but if I really wanted to know then he had numerous appointments to attend to today and if I'm involving people that he knows nothing (Outreach) about then so is he and he will be doing everything to protect his arse and his interests because it's his duty to do so. I asked him was I coming back to anything I needed to be informed about, was he changing the locks on the front door as he'd done in the past, he said no. Will we be left stranded at the airport, he said no, I asked him was he bugging the land line yet again, he told me no. I asked him how Eldest was and reminded him that I'd asked him to ring me or text me daily to let me know how Eldest was but he didn't do so, he told me he'd tried and kept getting an out of service message, that is absolute nonsense and absolute lies. I told him I'd run out of phone credit so could not contact Eldest by mobile so could he please get me some and forward me the credit number, “go fuck yourself” was my answer. I replied I have many talents but that was not one of them. He hung up. Daughter said “he's a fucking lunatic”
I didn't think we could fly back because I had no money left after paying daughter for our flights and for the food we ate here. I got a text, he sent a Western Union for €250 to pay for our flights back, he also stated that he was now skint so there would be nothing to feed us the rest of the month. I emailed him asking where the proceeds of the sale of our house in England had gone to then, he had almost £50,000 that was in both our names but he lodged it in his English bank account but I saw not one penny, he replied “I don't know, I'm only informing you that I'm skint”
Another email from him to say “I've booked time off work because I need it” I replied asking would he definitely be at the airport to collect us, he replied yes. I have never felt such dread as I did at returning to him. I am not tho returning to him, I am returning to hopefully see a solicitor and get this all done legally and try and make Eldest see sense or his whole future life will be doomed to hells fire.
That one conversation with him as well as the e mail has set me back, I was going over it constantly with my daughter, she tried to alleviate my fears but he has done it again, he got into my psyche and rendered me useless, how can he have such power I think, because you let him you fool, my conscience told me. Youngest said he wanted to stay here because at long last people noticed him, he was not treated as invisible, God love him.
I sent him a very long e mail asking for respect from and to each other for our benefit and the kids too, that we can end this in an easy and peaceful way and hopefully appreciate the years and the love that was once between us, that it took two of us to make this marriage last as long as it had and that I am so very sad that it has ended and I still have no clue as to why and if he could one day tell me why I would be very grateful, that the war has to stop or the fallout would be catastrophic as it has proven to be so far, that I do love him and probably always will but can we just have a cease fire not for us but for our children.
He rang me that night and said he appreciated my words, he said I'm correct in all I said and that we should try harder to separate amicably. He told me he had booked more time off work because he realised he was killing himself for no money and merely making his unappreciative boss richer and he will be picking us up from airport but did not know what time he would get there.
So we returned to Ireland. Over the years I have watched on film and in person, reunions at airports, that have made me sad and made me smile and made me long for the same. There was no one to meet us at the airport, I put a smile on my face, I acted nonchalant, I so wanted to see my Eldest and he wasn't there.
When we got outside I heard a whistle, that will be for me I thought and it was, Eldest was in the front passenger seat, I asked him if he'd missed me and he said yes, I was so happy, I even got a kiss from him, Eldest was sitting in the front seat of the car and told me no he would not get out of it for me, he told me to sit in the back seat. Husband got out of the car and put our luggage in the boot, not a word was said between us, so much for agreeing to all I said in my very long e mail then. It was a long drive back. I felt myself and Youngest shrink physically the closer we got to that godforsaken cottage. He and Eldest were chatting away, me and Youngest were not involved in any conversation at all, so we did not speak. I held Youngest's hand and squeezed it periodically for reassurance. I had told him on the flight that we were definitely leaving for good as soon as I got the money to do so and he had to stay strong until then for a maximum of 2 months. He said he could do that if his brother just left him alone and stopped calling him a “queerfuck” thousands of times a day. We had talked about our plans for our future, what we both wanted to achieve in life, he described the room he would like, all that he wanted to do once we had gone. I just hoped I could get all he wanted but mostly peace from the insane life we were returning to in the meantime. I was deep in thought, no matter what, there was no going back to the marriage, there was no marriage to salvage. IT IS OVER. I felt better and stronger saying that like a mantra in my head on the flight back.
There was no conversation at all except for him telling me he was skint. I know he had only just been paid. I know he had all the £50,000 from sale of our house in the UK and the sale of our other house which was sold for €120,000 but I said nothing except to ask him if there was any food in the house and I got told no. I asked him if he was going to starve us out, he said no, he'd got a pizza in, a frozen one that I and Youngest don't like. I reminded him he just got paid his wages, he just got rent from his family London property and also his expenses and asked where had €4,000 gone to, he said he did not know then told me that I had almost €1,000 out of it in flights, I told him I had €550 and I had change from it still. I asked again how he did not know where the money was when he always kept receipts, that he makes me sign receipts, he said he would show me, I said okay show me, he told me “fuck off and don't start or I will stop the car and throw you out” I asked him if he had transferred the money to another account because I'm legally entitled to half the English house sale money and the Irish house sale money, both were in my name too, he asked me “who told you that” I said “no one did, I just know it” he replied “off course I've not transferred any money” and began cursing to Eldest “she had better shut her big mouth” Eldest turned round to me and said “for once shut your fucking mouth and leave dad alone” I told him he had a short memory and if he talked to me like that again then I would ring the Garda, he just laughed at me.
We got to local town shop and my stomach flipped, we were almost back, Jesus why did I come back. He asked me what I wanted and went in to use the cash machine but came out asking if I'd any money left and told me I could not have spent it all could I, he wanted the change I had. I told him I'd £20 left and he took it from me and repeated again that we're skint and he did not know how we were going to get through the month. I actually felt very sorry for him, till he told me we were both to quit smoking, he actually said this with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, welcome home to madness girl I told myself. I'd bought them both a present, I got him Irish whiskey and got my Eldest a CD he'd been asking for ages to have, he and Youngest went to their bedroom to play it and I unpacked my suitcase, no time like the present to get organised so I put on a wash and started to clean the cottage, we were starving hungry but there was no food in the house, oh fuck I thought, here we go again, I took myself off to the bedroom to make a fuss of my dog, the little soul has really missed me by the looks and sound of things.
Nothing had changed in the house, except there were cables lying around the house that were not there before, I asked him if he had put a bug on the phone again, he said no, I decided not to use the land line at all in future unless an emergency, another vital outside connection cut off for me. There were boxes everywhere, he wanted to know if I'd come up with anything for our separation agreement, he said he'd typed one out and he wanted me to read it and see if I agreed, he would then get it rubber stamped if we both signed it and he would give me money to leave, I asked him how much and where the money was coming from if you're skint, he did not answer me, he said he'd applied for mediation, I'd no idea what that meant so he told me. I asked him why on earth I would go to sit with a stranger and have him act like he's saint like until we come out of the place and he would then revert back to how he always is with me and anything I may say in front of him to a stranger will be used against me by him. He threw a complete wobbly telling me “you're a “psychopathic bitch, out to screw me for all I have, you're an evil fucker, a using bastard, you will rot in hell and will never, ever get anything from me or out of me because you haven't worked since living here in Ireland and if you do manage to get anything it will be over my dead body or yours and I can arrange that” He then demanded the rest of the change I had from my trip. He continued shouting “I'm buggering off, I've got to get away from here, I'm not putting up with this, not putting up with your lies and bullshit” I was speechless, I searched my brain for what bullshit and lies I have ever told.
Eldest came running into the bedroom demanding to know “what's going on” and he told him, he bloody well told him. He said “that bitch that gave birth to you is going to destroy me and I'm not hanging around for it, I'm off” and he stormed out of the house. Eldest said “why do you always start on him, he's had very little sleep in a week, dad is right, you're a psychopathic bitch” I again believed I was going to go insane and I had just walked in the bloody door. I did not move from the bedroom at all. Youngest came in and sat as quiet as a mouse at the bottom of the bed, he whispered to me “we need to leave mum” I nodded my head and picked up the Separation Agreement and started reading.
He returned after 30 minutes.
I sat and had a think about everything and made up my mind, the only person who can change things is me, I had to swallow down everything I felt, everything that had been going on. I asked him to come into the bedroom as I would like to speak to him, he did, I said please give me your hand and then I was crying as he took my hand, I know I love this man with every breath I take, I could not look at him, I simply concentrated on his hand, he has this habit of stroking my hand with his thumb, he has a large spoon shaped thumb as has our Eldest. When he still wore his wedding ring he would constantly stroke his ring finger with his thumb, even when driving and every little idiosyncrasy of his sprang to my mind, I know this man like I know myself and it kills me what we are doing to each other, I did not want to lose him but I lost him and I know he does not want to lose me but he's lost me and we are fighting a losing battle now and he alone decided we are over and you cannot keep on putting sticking plasters over a wound that refuses to heal, sometimes all the wound needs is air to breath and for the person with the wound to stop picking away at it. I gave him a speech that broke my heart along the same lines as the e mail I sent him and we hugged and cried, this gorgeous man that once loved me and was mine was in tears, I did not think that he cared a jot but now I could see that he did and was hurting as much as I was, he was as powerless as I was, some unseen force was propelling us along into destruction, after all these years and attraction still between us but we agreed to cease all conflict. And just sat there and spent an hour saying nothing. I was holding him, he was holding me, we did not want to be the first to break away because we knew that when we did so it was all over, and as God was my witness I did not want this marriage to end, I love him so much. He said he wanted to go to the toilet, I asked if he was okay, he said yes but his tears told me differently, if only we could tell one another what was on our minds and not be in protective mode all the time, waiting and expecting the next conflict. It dawned on me that I still wanted him to tell me he loved me, that we could sort this out, that we will be okay
but he did not and I could not.
He came back into the bed room and told me he couldn't believe the cash machine would not give him any money and he was going out to try it again, I said why bother but he insisted so he went off in the car then rang me saying he "managed to get €200 out, I'm going to drive to your favourite Chinese take away” I was weighing up the man, the Husband that just spoke to me on the phone, the kind man I love compared to the man that had told me earlier that we had no money to feed us for rest of month and I knew in my heart that he would not have got any money to feed us as his own unique form of punishment but after our talk money magically appeared in the bank. I decided to say nothing to rock the boat and so my whole personality changed in my ability to try and keep the peace.
He asked me to ring a solicitor to see what it would costs for an amicable separation. I did and got told it would be €600, he told me we can't afford that and suggested we do our own and get it legalised, he said wants to do his and he wants me to do mine and we shall see if we can meet somewhere in the middle, I said okay.
He took the next two days off work, or rather he was told at midnight by his boss ringing him that there was “nothing doing” so we went to the forest with the kids and my dog. He still insisted on holding my hand and I give in for peace sake, we do things together now, we go shopping, he walks holding my hands or putting his arm around my shoulders when we are out. He sits beside me on the couch at home and always holds my hand, no one would ever know we are about to separate, it feels all strange and “normal” I just wish all could have been like this before but it is far too late now. I feel deranged with confusion.
The outreach lady rang my mobile phone because I was back in the country again so I stepped outside to talk to her in private. She'd been trying to get me a space in a hostel but there were no vacancies at present. I told her of my plans to leave the country, I was taking no chances of him changing his mind like he did when I tried to move to Athlone with our Youngest because I had hoped my Eldest would have then realised he was just being used by his dad and I would not have been too far away to get him to me but the bollix refused to give us any money after I found us a house and had signed both me and my Youngest up in school and college so we couldn't move. The outreach lady asked me if I could hold on for a few weeks then asked me how I was coping and I told her and also that he wanted the house signed over to him and he wanted the child benefit book too, she told me to do nothing whatsoever until I got legal advice. Like that would ever happen when I cannot go anywhere and if I did then he would be with me because he would have to drive me. She said she had spoken to another professional about all that was going on with me and gave me the persons number. I rang the social worker number given to me and had a long conversation with a woman, she said what was going on was appalling and we needed urgent family therapy. I told her I was leaving, she said she still thought it would be a good idea to attend a session which could make your husband and your son see that this behaviour was not acceptable and if we didn't it would make your eldest son believe that he could get anything he wanted by acting and talking in an aggressive manner, she said she would come out to see me and asked for my address, when I gave it to her she said you're not in my jurisdiction and gave me the number of someone who was. I gave up, that conversation alone had wiped me out. I was also frightened about that kind of input in our lives. I just wanted to be gone.
Now another person knew what was going on and this worried me, I imagined strangers coming to the door and decided I needed to talk to him about it or I knew I would be in huge trouble with him about all these people knowing. I was hoping this did not upset the stable apple cart that has been in the house for a couple of weeks now.
When he got home, I asked if I could have five minutes of his time and said that it was extremely important and I wanted to talk to him without interruption. Eldest son followed us out and said “what the fuck is going on” I told him it's private and he said “I have a right to know what you're going to say to Dad” Again I told him it was private between adults, he was not happy about being told this.
We walked down the country lane. I told him “I've been seeking advice regards everything and you allowing Eldest to talk to me and treat me the way you did makes you party to abuse and you previously restraining Youngest and allowing Eldest to then get the boot in is a child protection issue as was told to me today and your and Eldest's behaviour towards Youngest and me is unacceptable and despite your insistence that I'm off my fucking head or fucking mental, I'm not, I'm simply under undue stress that you are both putting me through, you have polarised this family and it's not healthy nor helpful, children should be allowed to be children and not be used by adults, and any decisions and discussions between adults should not be told to our kids for feedback or approval. I've always been both Mother and Father to our kids whilst you always took a back seat and Eldest will end up just like me when you're done with him, he will be ignored and he'll be neglected. I have been told that you're only making a rod for your own back with Eldest and when you tell him no as you eventually will do, Eldest will most probably deal with it by thumping you and how are you going to deal with that. You rewarding Eldest for his dreadful behaviour is not in our son's best interests either” When I finished repeating all that the social worker had told me on the phone he said “that's bollix and if you believe you're normal then your madder than I thought you were” he said “so you think the way you act is normal” I told him “me asking, begging and pleading for your time, attention, help, support, love, a social life, a family life and a work life is most probably not normal because most couples have these things as a normal way of life” I said “what is not normal is my husband asking me when he cannot use his own legs to get himself an ashtray and a lighter and because I slammed the ashtray down and chucked the lighter at your feet you threatened to call the Garda and stated it was my first and second act of violence against you” he replied “well I know what you can be like” I said “oh, off course, I remember slapping you round the face and you know exactly why I did or would you like to have a minute to remember the lies you told me” He didn't answer. I told him “your attitude and your allowing Eldest son's abuse towards me, his own Mum and our Youngest is now out of control and I've been advised to get Family help for us all, and you have to take responsibility for being party to the splitting of the family, and calling me fucking mental and various other names in front of our children has to stop, they are children and you should not be using our Eldest as a sounding board for every thought or word you have about me, because eventually you will no longer need him and he will be worse off after having you all to himself, so what will happen then” He walked away from me shouting “you're full of bollix, who the hell have you been talking too, its your behaviour that's abnormal” I told him “ do not to discuss this conversation with our kids, this is an adult conversation for adults and it wouldn't be fair if you burden our kids with all this, your nearly 40 years old and our son has only been out of his first decade of life for three years so be his father and stop acting like you're his mate” He said “well he's going to find out soon enough anyway” but he fell silent and walked back into the house.
I stayed out for a few more minutes and on going back in, he was telling our Eldest everything I had just said and a few things were added that I'd not said. I tried to stop him, I reminded him “our child is your child not your mate” he told my Eldest “she's involved social workers and told them a heap load of shite and lies and wants me in jail and you locking up too” I couldn't believe it, I interrupted him saying “please be his Dad, think what a Dad should be like, would you have liked your Father to give you all the fall out when he and your Mum split up, to make you choose which parent to love and which parent to start hating” he thought about that for all of 10 seconds and said “well he's going to find out anyway since you've involved people with your poison” and he carried on asking my Eldest “do you think its right what she's proposing to do”
All I did was inform Husband of the conversation I had with a social worker who knew about our situation because the outreach woman had told her and I wanted to get us all help but they way he was telling my Eldest was that I wanted him taken away and he asked Eldest “what do you think about that then” I gave up. I tried talking in a quiet, peaceful and conciliatory fashion to try and get him to see what he was doing was wrong to us all, it's up to him and him alone to find out for himself what the role of a Dad is and how he should be as a dad but because it come out of my mouth he seen it as a personal attack on him by me, his enemy. He told my Eldest “she wants us both out of the way so she and Youngest can be free of us both and live a life of luxury” A life of fucking luxury when we lived like we did, good god almighty, I've heard some bullshit come out of that man's mouth over the years but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think he would come out with such crap and to our child, to try and cut the by now fragile bond between a mother and her son. My eldest stared straight at me and I told him “none of this is true” I said “you're my baby and I love you, I will always love you” and eldest son walked over to were I stood and spat full in my face and I could not move a muscle in shock and terror. Huge spittle ran down my face like a slug. Husband simply smiled then said to Eldest “that was not very nice now was it”
That bastard turned and twisted everything I had said. I did not contact anyone except the outreach centre for support who asked me to ring the number she gave me for extra help. I did not tell lies. I had not even spoken to any social worker before today, all I told him was all I had been told by the social worker on the phone, I was trying to make him see what was wrong for adults to do and talk to their children about, but due to the fact that it was me, his wife, telling him this he saw this as a personal attack on him from me, I was the enemy, I am the enemy but I was very calm when talking to him. I don’t think I will ever get over my son spitting in my face twice now.
At my next outreach appointment the woman asked me if I'd seen the TV programme on Domestic Violence, I said no, she said statistics have shown that mental abuse was more serious than physical. I had to agree, I would rather have a punch. I would see that coming and could fight back. I am now a shadow of my former self.
My 15th Wedding Anniversary arrived, oh well I thought, it's never been celebrated before so why should it make any difference this year. I wondered why I always feel hurt about such things. We're back to being politely nice to one another but I was on pins waiting for him changing back again. He was being affectionate and expects it to be reciprocated, it is very weird, its going to be the strangest separation ever, he told me he did love me and he still does but that we have tried everything, I disagreed that he tried anything at all but we agreed to disagree, he even comes home for lunch now, why in gods name could it all not have been this normal before now. His car broke down, he needed my help to push it home, good old donkey wife. He went back to work by taxi and borrowed his boss’s old car, he never once mentioned today’s date. That stung me, old soft sap that I am, not that it matters, its never been celebrated before so why should it be today when the marriage is over and done with. Each day is met with new problems, each day there are wars and there are cease fires, he can be affectionate towards me and then become the enemy in a matter of minutes, my head is spinning with it all.
Later when he got home and dinner was out of the way he was sitting at the computer. I went about my usual chores. I've been painting a ceiling for most of the day, not easy with a 2 inch paint brush. I had a bath and then began to watch a documentary about Tourettes and during the break I put the kettle on for tea and made him coffee and returned to the bedroom to watch the TV but the channel has been changed to something else. I asked him to turn it back because I could not change the channels manually from the bedroom. I told him “I was watching that” (he never watches TV) he said “tough, I'm watching what I want to for a change, this is one fight you're not going to win because its my house, I pay the mortgage and all the bills” I asked him if I could go on the computer instead then, he said “no, I do not want you interfering with my stuff” I cannot do that I would not do that and he has us all on different accounts anyway. I asked him not to be so stupid and reminded him the kids were asleep and had to get up for school in the morning. He said “shut the fuck up then because you're the only one talking and moaning and you're not watching that programme” we were descending into chaos again, he unplugged and removed the sky box, he took my mobile phone stating “everything is my property” My eldest walked out of the bedroom and told me off for “starting on Dad” he said “Dad is the boss” Youngest by now was also up and telling his Dad “leave my Mum alone” Husband started dismantling the computer then said “you will never go on it again” and started loading up the boot of the car with everything, he then got all his clothes from the wardrobe, which I had only that day stood for hours ironing and they got thrown into the boot of the car too, I was raging about the ironing. I said “if you're going, wait a minute and I will help you out the door” and I bent down and picked up a blue plastic box that held some of his tools and always sat next to the front door. It was my intention to launch it out of the front door but from nowhere and because my head was bent down I did not see what was coming but I was lifted off the ground by him, the box I was still holding was thrust into my abdomen and my temple banged off the door frame and I landed heavily on my coccyx and the pain was excruciating. I immediately cried out and could not move. He took a look at me lying on the floor and told the kids “look boys, the fucking drama queen is at it again, I suppose this will be my fault too, she's a lying scheming, psychopathic c***, she slipped” Youngest flew at his dad yelling “you just punched her, you did this to her” and he got thrown to the ground by his father, youngest turned to Eldest and said “please help mum, did you see what dad just did” Eldest in a repeat performance of Dad replied “I saw nothing and I heard nothing” Youngest was furious and crying, he asked Eldest “how can you say that when we both saw him” Husband said to youngest “you are wrong but that's okay because I know you will always stick up for your Mum” and he carried on throwing his belongings into the car and said bye. Eldest said “its all your fault because Dad's entitled to watch what he wants because he's the one who works to pay for everything”
I tried to sleep but couldn't, the pain in my tail bone was so bad, every time I moved it was agony. I went into the bath but sliding down to wash my hair sent dreadful shooting pains up my back, something was very wrong and I needed to get it checked out but knew if I rang an ambulance then I would have to tell the truth about what he had done and the kids would be put Christ knows where.
I had no phone, he took it along with the land line that he threw into the boot of the car, I looked out of the window, he was in the car smoking.
At 8.10am, he walked into the house, he was limping, I asked him what was wrong with his leg. He said “as if you don't know” I told him his lies will get him hung one day and if he even thinks of blaming me for his lies then I will make sure I see him jailed for all he's done to me and the kids. He asked me where his cheque book was, I had no idea, what the hell would I need with a cheque book. He said he needs it and demanded I looked for it, I didn't move because I can't, he went back out to his car and just sat in it.
I heard my mobile phone ring, I looked out of the window and saw him with it in his hands, he looked at it then threw it out of the car window, I had to go and get it and thanked god it was the outreach woman. I told her what happened and she said she would come get me and take me to the hospital and to the court if necessary. I told her I was too scared to do that (court) as it might make him worse. I told her I was going to see if I could go to my old neighbours for a few days, she said see how I felt once the dust settled and she would try and find us a place to go. I agreed.
I rang my friend T and cut off before she could answer because I now had no credit but thanked god that she rang me back and I told her what happened. She said she would be home at 4pm and would come and get me and told me to pack a bag for me and the kids. Eldest did not get to school because his dad went off to work and left him behind. I tried to talk to Eldest and asked him to come with me but he was not interested in anything I had to say, he told me the usual plus “I'm going nowhere with you pair of c****”
The outreach woman rang me back again and and told me another emergency had come up and asked me if I was safe, I told her yes, he'd left for work. She told me to try and get to the hospital and to make sure I tell them it's Domestic Violence.
He then sent me a strange text “I have got some money, if you are at home I can drop it out to you. Do you need anything else?” Followed ten minutes later with “on my way, can you put the kettle on please” I was stunned, he has got to be fucking insane, completely fucking insane.
He walked in the door and kissed me on the cheek and asked me “how much do you need” I said “I don't know” he handed me €100 without making me sign a receipt for it. He put the land line on the couch then he asked Eldest “are you ready to go” and they both left the house. I do not know what to make of this, I feel so very sad, sick and miserable. My poor kids, to have to witness and put up with all this, it must be hell on earth for them both, its just not fair at all and all for what, for what? because I do not know at all what the hell this has all been about.
Youngest was very concerned about me then realised there was no computer and no TV because Husband had put them in boot of his car. He sat and cried and said he wasn't going back to school because he didn't want to be in this country and that I'd promised him we would be leaving.
My friend T sent me a text, she will not be free until 6pm now, she asked me could I wait till then, I couldn't so I rang a taxi from the land line he brought back and I went straight to the village shop to get credit and then went on to the hospital. Before I entered the hospital I rang them, I was only outside but I did not want to explain to them in public what happened to me. I felt so ashamed. They were lovely, they allowed me to talk to the doctor on duty and then when I entered they treated me as sympathetically as possible and due to their kindness I cried like a baby, it was impossible for me to get up on the bed for an x-ray as the pain was horrendous but they helped me and then the doctor took me into a private room to talk to me. There was no fracture he said but a trauma and bruising could feel as bad as any fracture did. He gave me strong pain killers to take there and then and also wrote a prescription out for more, he told me that I did not have to be treated this way and that I was still protecting my husband because I said it was half my fault as I should not have mouthed off at him and not insisted that I wanted to watch the TV and not insisted that I wanted to go on the computer, the doctor said that no matter what provocation, no man should react as my husband did, he asked did I want to call the Garda, He said he was going to write that it's domestic violence on my notes so there was a record of it if I needed to take my husband to court, that thought had not crossed my mind and I thought I would never do that anyway. I would feel ashamed about that and did not want to get him into any trouble at all, I just wanted peace and quiet, I told the doctor I was going to stay with my old neighbour until the dust had died down.
I was going through everything that happened, maybe he was right after all, two of them are saying I slipped, but I know I did not, how would I have bashed my head off a door frame and if I slipped I would have landed on my thigh or my buttock, I gave up gymnastics many years ago so how could I fly through the air and land on my tail bone, I was driving myself insane and for what, to protect him, why should I still be in protective mode for him. Why was I questioning my own sanity, I suppose years and years of him telling me what was said or what had happened that didn't happen at all and were all apparently figments of my imagination have now taken there toll.
When I get out of the hospital and switched my phone back on I had many missed calls from him. Why? So he can find out what's going on and where I am and who else knows and what have I told anyone. I switched my phone off again.
Me and Youngest were gone for two days. T has became one of my closest friends over the years but she is younger than I, a lot younger and had her own life to live, I felt bad at landing on her at such short notice, she had a house full of visitors. She is the kindest person I know but I was not her problem so after two days we returned to the family home.
We received a warm welcome, “Oh, your back” he could see I had difficulty walking and came to help me by taking my bags off me, he later made the dinner and ran me a bath, he asked if I wanted him to wash my hair. He sat on the toilet seat whilst I was in the bath, I don't know why but I felt embarrassed to be naked in front of him. He chatted about work, about our Eldest, about my friend T, he asked how was she, how was her daughter, she must be getting big, all these nonsense words. I just zoned out, if I say nothing, he will do nothing.
He told me he must have known I would be back today because he had changed the bedding (he never changed any bedding as long as I knew him) he said he'll bring in some tea for me and went out and chatted to my Youngest who only answered him with a yes or a no, the poor child. He came back into me and helped me get dried, then helped me into bed as if I was precious. I was still crying out with the pain in my tail bone, he then told me how silly I was to have slipped and hurt myself like that and I wanted to kill him stone dead. No way on gods green land was he going to twist what he did to me and ensure that if he kept saying it then I would again question my own sanity and perhaps believe his twisted, lying version of events, no way, that would make me as bad as he is. I said nothing at all, I was too tired to defend myself, too tired and weary, I wanted peace for me and peace for the kids, I wanted a good nights sleep.
He left the house to go and buy coal from the local garage. I took his pillows to put under my buttocks to take the weight of my tail bone and found a piece of paper with his writing on dated the day when he badly hurt me, it read “the psychopathic bitch slipped and conned me out of €100 for hospital fees, she and her fucking mini-me can rot in hell for all I care” That man can say what the fuck he thinks about me but to describe my baby in such a viscous way confirms to me that the man is fucking deranged. I pretended to be asleep when he got back.
When I got up he was sitting at the computer, he told me he had TSB acceptance forms and I needed to get a waiver signed by a solicitor so he could apply for a re mortgage and he would then buy me out. I asked him how I would pay for a solicitor when I had no money and no access to any money, he said he didn't know.
He went off and returned that evening and got the computer up and running, I noticed he'd left his belongings in the boot of the car. I was not going to talk to him at all, there was nothing I wanted to say. He asked me sheepishly “Are you okay after your slip, you should be more careful because you have a bad back anyway” I said nothing.
He went off to work in Cork the next day, he would be gone till at least 10 or 11pm. I was happy that he was out of the house. Eldest was at home, he would not get up for school. Youngest and I could not access our log ins on the family computer, it's now saying we have limited access, I do not even know what that means, just that we cannot use it. I rang him in a fury because he had no need to be anywhere near the computer, he was miles away in Cork and would not get home till very late, if he even did get back to the house at all. He told me “I'll fix it when I get back” I said “it does not need fixing, you just needs to stop controlling whether I use it or not” He hung up on me.
He then rang me back telling me “ask Eldest to allow you access to it because me and Eldest are administrators on the computer and have full access to everything” I was furious, I asked him “how old am I” “what position do I have in this house” “Who gave birth to our children” How dare he give our son Carte Blanche to control what access I can have on the computer. He insisted that I “ask Eldest” I told him “No, I do not consider myself that low on the food chain no matter what you and Eldest think of me, I hope you're proud of yourself for adding another string to Eldest's bow and widening the gulf between my son and I”
What the hell is this teaching our child about how to act with anyone never mind his own Mother. He has just given our son another lesson in teaching him control tactics and also helped to widen the gulf between a mother and child, why am I always surprised when something like this happens, nothing should surprise me any more
He's typed up our “separation agreement” he wrote it and he emailed it from his email address to mine but apparently, according to him I wrote it myself despite the fact that I'm given scant access to the computer and I'm on a “Guest” account when I'm allowed on it. More of his fucking bullshit lies. He told me I'll get €45,000 if I sign the house over to him but then he said he wanted €10,000 back so he could do the cottage up to be put on the market for selling. It's an old house we bought for cash, €87,500 and it needs a lot of updating and also heating installed. I personally painted the whole outside of the house with a 2 inch brush changing the colour from yellow to white, it took me weeks to do it but I enjoyed trying to make the place look better, I got no thanks for that as I recall. I signed the separation agreement he emailed to me. I would have by this stage, sold my soul to the devil to get away from him.
I had to try and speak to Eldest, I begged him to come with us and make a new life elsewhere, he said “no, I do not want to move again” and he broke my heart into smithereens. Youngest tried to get him to come too but Eldest just wanted his life as it was now, he now had the dad he always wanted, his dad now noticed him, he gave him the attention he had always wanted, he took him places, he talked to him and I do not blame Eldest at all for his decision.
I asked Husband to include that he would put Eldest first always, that he would take good care of him, that he would stay in constant contact with Youngest, that he would contact me at least once a day even if by text to let me know how Eldest was and how my dog was. I made him promise me on his mothers life and he did.
He was in a good mood. I believed because he got what he wanted, me to leave, he was acting very friendly, he told me I have been his best friend all these years and that would never change because no one else has ever cared and loved him like I had. He said that he will always love me and that one day he hoped we could forget all these bad times (like hell I will) and told me I had to take my fair share of the responsibility of our failed marriage or I would not ever learn to be normal or ever have a healthy relationship in the future. The pure fucking cheek of him. He wants us to remain friends and to keep in touch always. He appeared very upbeat about everything but I still had my reservations, I still wanted answers to my many questions in my head but knew I would never get them.
The week we were leaving he gave me cash to travel with and a cheque and said he would take me to the airport, he said “I want to take you, to make sure you actually go haha”
Daughter had again got me the flight tickets, she tried her best to convince Eldest to leave with us too but again his answer was no.
He thought we were leaving on the Thursday but there was no way I could have let him take me to any airport, I would not have got on any plane, I could not have waved my child or waved him goodbye forever. He was in my life for 17 years. I could not do that so I took the cowards way out.
When he left for work on the Wednesday. I called a taxi to come and collect me and Youngest. Eldest had guessed we were leaving a day early. I spoke to Eldest about how I could not leave him behind but he said he was fine he said, “just go before dad gets back for lunch or something else” he promised to “stay in contact” with me and “call” me “if he needed me” I made him take money and put it in his room for emergencies and gave him my friend T's contact details if he needed to get away in an emergency. T had agreed to keep in touch with my eldest too.
When the taxi came I broke down completely. I could not leave, Youngest was telling me “it’s now or never” Eldest was telling me that he “will be fine, go before dad gets back” but how could I leave one of my babies, we'd never been apart before until recently when I had to get away from all the madness going on, it was always me he needed until lately, he insisted “I'll be okay” that he was “going to enjoy the peace” and “will see you soon” and I left my child and my husband. I could not stop wailing, Youngest was crying too, the taxi driver did not know what was going on at all.
Husband sent me a text asking if I needed anything bringing home at lunch time and I went into a panic then, petrified he would ring me, he never normally did but today I definitely did not want him to. When we got to the airport I had 4 missed calls from him, I couldn't answer him. I told Youngest I wanted to go back but he said “no way, we cant, it will go back to the same as always after a couple of days, he wants us gone, he hates us” I rang Eldest to tell him we were at the airport but that I could come back immediately if he wanted me to, he just had to say the word, he said no and dad had been home and asked where I and Youngest were and he told him he did not know, that he did not see us go out and I thought Eldest must really love me after all and I thanked him. I asked if dad had noticed some of my clothes had gone and he said no, he said dad had gone back to work, he said he had to go as he was in the middle of a big computer game and I cried again.
People must have thought there was a death in my family by the state of me and it certainly felt that way to me. I was also terrified in case he found out and I had convinced myself that he was en route to get me, even though I was supposed to come here the very next day with him driving me, I knew he was fine with that as he was insistent that he take me but by me leaving this way, he was no longer in control of me and I was sure he would go nuts, that he would find out and come and cause a scene, then I thought maybe he will now come to his senses and realise what he's losing and come and promise me he'll get help and we will live happily ever after. I knew I was fooling myself. We booked in at the check in desk and went through to the departure lounge and I was still on red alert, even walking out to the plane I was still looking for any sign of his car. When we boarded I was convinced that I could see him in the airport's waiting area even though I'm very short sighted, everyone I saw, to my mind, looked like him. As the plane took off down the runway my heart ached for my Eldest left behind. For the husband I left for good. I knew I still loved him, I would always love him, I would always miss him, he was such a part of me as I was him and I wanted my Eldest with me not apart from me. I thought I would never again smile my whole life. I had to be the monster he convinced me I was, did I not just leave one of my children behind, I would never forget what I'd just done nor would I ever be allowed to forget it as his punishments became more spiteful and more vicious. He had his wish, he got rid of me but he still wasn't happy and he still wanted control.
Remembering prior happenings
Re writing this from my little copy books made me think of his previous stunts where he would pull the rug from under me, leave me in shock, traumatised, and then he would be all lovey dovey and make me love him again until the next drama.
He had the cheek to tell me he does not trust me, he said he never can tell from one day to the next if I will still be at home when he returns, yet he knows where I am 24 hours a bloody day because he has me in the position he wants me in. I'm no shrinking violet but Jesus I have no clue how to get out of this.
Unlike him I have never written a letter to an ex of mine stating at the end of said letter “if you want to reply please write to my works address as she will have my balls for earrings” the silly git brought that letter into the house and so I found it, he had the gall to kiss me when coming in too, when I think of it now makes me mad the fool I was. The fool he made of me.
Unlike him I never went off pretending to go to work. But he took the day off, leaving me at home with two small children. Something, maybe women’s intuition told me so, so I asked him how work was “oh you know the same old, same old” he said but he could not quite meet me in the eyes, always a give away, I said “you have not been in work today have you” to this day I have no clue how I knew, “no” he said sheepishly, he told me “I needed time alone, I went to visit an old school teacher” my mind was working overtime remembering past conversations, his old teacher had been in his 60’s when he was a lad at the school so the teacher must be in the Guinness Book of Records for still being on the bloody planet. Funny how he had never visited this teacher before now, then it dawned on me what he said “needed time alone” I would kill for time alone, he then produced Catholic Medals for me, “a gift” he said, yet his old teacher was church of England, this man had my head turning like the girl in the exorcist. To this day I have no idea where he was or who he was with.
Unlike him I never left him with two small children with no money, no transport and no phone line (which he'd put onto incoming calls only without telling me) and drove 200 miles away. He rang me at 7pm to say he was on his way home and would see me shortly but did not appear, only then did I find out the phone would not work. I had heard on the radio there was a pile up on the motor way that he was supposed to be on and I wanted to call all the hospitals because I was worried sick at no appearance from him, all this was prior to having mobile phones. I stayed up all night expecting a knock at the door from the police with bad news. I was in bits. At noon the next day he strolls up the pathway, threw 10 cigarettes at me and says “and what did you expect after what you said to my friend about me” he had one friend that I knew off and I met him 3 times in total and I had never had a conversation with him in my life. He then just walked away and said he “was late for work” I thought I was going mad, I thought he was mad. Many weeks later he was on the phone to this friend and I grabbed the phone off him and demanded to know what I had apparently said to him about my husband. The friend knew nothing about anything and Husband was shocked that I'd done this, he backtracked and shouted at me “I did not say you said anything to him, it was my interpretation” that was one of his old chestnut sayings he used frequently. The friend also denied Husband had stayed with him the night he did not come home yet Husband had claimed he'd stayed with him. I still have no idea where he stayed that night.
Unlike him I did not say “I do not know how long this marriage is going to last” when a friend, G had come to the house to see our 10 day old baby and asked him if it was “time you got the snip” because I had two babies only 14 months apart. She told him that was a very cruel thing to say when your wife's just given birth. He said he was only joking but no one was laughing. She told me that I deserved better than him and one day I might realise it.
I won concert tickets to go see Michael Jackson who I loved since I was a child of 13 years old, only husband disappears and turned up too late to allow me to go, then told me I couldn't be that bothered if I was not rushing out the door now that he was back.
He came home drunk having said he was getting us a Chinese take away, he had nothing with him at all, when I asked him where the Chinese was, he just kept pointing to an empty space on the floor, saying “it’s there you stupid bitch, open your eyes” but there was nothing there at all.
He wanted five minutes of my time with Eldest as a witness who was off school sick, he told me there's no money left from the €150,000 we moved to this country with and we have to cut down on everything, starting with the house lights which he switched off and then the heating “because the world federation of heating states house temperature should be between 16 and 20 degrees” (I am always cold, he tells me to wear my dressing gown on top of my clothes) and I have to stick to that. He then cancelled sky TV by phone, he did not ask me, he just informed me afterwards.
Xmas Eve
Eldest son came downstairs and said he couldn't see properly and he was getting in a panic. Husband was at work, he was supposed to be finished work at noon and told me we could do the Xmas food shopping when he'd finished. Xmas Eve is not an ideal time to do shopping because everywhere will be jam packed and eldest cannot stands crowds or noise so I was dreading it but at that moment my only concern was my son. I kept him calm but as the morning continued so did the sight in his eye deteriorate and he was beginning to panic so I rang husband. He told me he was too busy to talk and would would ring me back. I managed to find an optician open on Xmas Eve but we had to get to town for the appointment at 3pm and I was told they were closing at 3.30pm. I had no money except loose change in bags so again I rang husband because I needed money to pay the optician, again he told me he was busy and would ring me back. The optician spent 30 minutes with eldest. She said she couldn't be sure what was wrong but insisted if we could, we had to travel to Roscommon to see a specialist because she thought eldest might have a detached retina but if we couldn't make this journey then eldest would have to go into hospital until the New Year because there's only six specialists in this country and it’s Xmas (as if I needed reminding) and most of these specialists would be on holiday till after the New Year. I rang husband, by now in a total panic and worried sick about eldest son. Husband said after I told him what the optician said “do you need a lift because you know it’s my works Xmas outing tonight” Do bears shit in the wood I thought but the phone line went dead, the bastard had cut me off. The town was heaving with people buying last minute Xmas shopping and I was in a panic, how the hell was I going to get my son to Roscommon. I had no transport and no money. I rang his office phone, I knew he'd have to be polite to me in front of his boss, he answered the phone in what sounded like a happy sing song voice. I told him I would come up to his office and scream blue murder in his face if he did not get himself out of there immediately and get our son to the eye specialist and he should have finished at noon and it was now 4pm. He told me he was on his way. When we got in the car, he said not a word to our eldest who was now very quiet. He simply reminded me again that it was his works Xmas meal outing tonight and asked had I got his clothes ready. I reminded him my son was more important to me than him going out on the piss and there are only three of them at his work anyway, I wasn't invited, I never am.
The eye specialist in Roscommon did many tests on my son's eye, some were so uncomfortable for him, I doubted I would have been as still and silent as he was and I felt heart sorry for him. She decided it was migraine, my son never had one of those before. I asked her why the optician in Longford did not know this, she replied it’s better to be safe than sorry. I asked her why he had no headache if it's migraine because I used to suffer them a lot when I was a teenager. My son then said he now had a pounding headache, the poor soul.
On the way back home husband said “no point in me going out at all now, I suppose you need to get the shopping done” I think I was supposed to say you go ahead and go out and we will cancel Xmas this year but I stayed silent wondering how the hell I ended up with someone who has no emotional attachment to either his wife or his kids.
When we reached the supermarket car park his mobile phone rang, it was his boss, husband was apologising, he said “sorry can’t make it, can you believe her, it was only a bloody migraine and it cost me a fucking fortune” He then refused to go into the supermarket with me and told me I had to take the kids with me because he'd been at work all day. I told him it's not mine nor the kids problem that he failed to down tools at 12 noon because that was when he was supposed to finish. My poor son felt sick but I had to drag him round a supermarket with a migraine and under strip fluorescent lights just so I don't make husband go in a bad mood because it's Xmas tomorrow and he could just disappear and leave us stranded. What a fucking life this is.
Written from an old diary found at the bottom of my photograph box.
Husband has always been weird but since moving here he's so much worse. I should have listened to my instincts about moving here away from the network I had of my daughter, of work, of friends, of financial independence. We have so much to be grateful for and happy about but he will never be happy, he will always be a manic depressive. I do not care that he's not be officially diagnosed with it, I live with him 24/7 and the man is not normal at all.
My Eldest is another real worry to me with his behaviour getting much worse, he has never grown out of tantrums, he threatens to “kill Youngest for breathing” bloody breathing. I decided to try and talk to him. I was so sad at what he had to tell me, he said “I feel like I'm in a tug off war with dad and you fighting all the time” I told him it's just arguing and it's normal and we're just not used to being together 24 hours a day. He said “dad asked me to keep an eye on you” and “constantly quizzes me about who you’re phoning, who you're talking to when he's out and what you're saying” I told him I'll put a stop to it and I will walk him and Youngest to school in the mornings instead of them going in the car with Dad.
Husband ignored me the whole day, I've no idea why, he just looked thru me when I was standing in front of him speaking to him, he left the house at 3pm to go and collect the boys from school. I asked him if could he leave me some smokes, he said he didn't have any. I asked him could he get me some, he said “ I might go straight from school, it all depends” and he walked out. I need to get us away from this man.
After 15 minutes I heard shouting and swearing and went outside to find out what the commotion was, his car was back and Eldest came in storming past me into the house roaring “I'm doing nothing for that evil git” He then told me that dad had laid down the law in the car saying that Youngest had to pick up all the clothes pegs in the garden and Eldest had to clean up all the dog mess and get the coal in from now on but he said it to them like this: “You had better get the fucking coal in, I have done it the past three days now and I'm not doing it any more and it's the only fucking thing you're asked to do, if you don't do that and shovel up the dog shit then you will not be eating anything in this house tonight” Eldest threw himself onto the bed screaming and crying “I hate that evil git and it's illegal to starve children and I'm going to call the police about him” I told him there is no way he will be starved and dad was probably just in a bad mood and asked if he would help me get the coal in, Eldest said “no chance, not after the way dad just spoke to me” He jumped up and ran to the kitchen and said he was getting food into his room before dad got back and he carried crisps and biscuits into his room. I told him not to be silly but he said he did not care what I thought.
Husband got back from the village and walked in to Eldest eating cereal, he looked at both me and Eldest and said “are you taking the piss, I told you dinner would be ready in 15 minutes” Eldest said “I'm not getting coal in for you and you already told me I'm not getting fed in this house tonight if I don't so I'm not” Husband turned to me and asked “can you not fucking back me up here” I said “I wasn't in the car and only heard what Eldest told me and as far as I can see from Eldest coming in very upset and very clear about what you said to him, he's only a child” I believe what Eldest told me. I told him “I'm sick of telling you not to speak to me or the kids like we're garbage, you better quit threatening Eldest”
6pm
The kids were in the living room. I was in the kitchen on the computer with the door shut because I had the dogs with me when I heard screaming. I jumped up just as the three of them come hurling thru the kitchen door. Husband had both his hands on Eldest's right arm and was dragging him along the floor, Youngest had both his arms around Eldest's waist roaring at his dad to leave Eldest alone. I was screaming blue murder for him to let Eldest go, he was shouting “he will do as I fucking tell him, I am his father and he will do what I ordered him to do and get the coal in or he's getting locked out of this house until he does what he's told” Eldest landed a punch at his father who acted like he had been hit by Mike Tyson and got Eldest in a head lock and was roaring at me and Youngest to “keep out of it” I lifted the phone and dialled 999 and asked for the Garda and he immediately let Eldest go. I launched myself at him and he stumbled out of the back doors of the kitchen, Youngest shut the sliding doors behind him but he came thundering in with a raised fist towards Eldest, I screamed at him “it will be the last thing you ever do if you strike my son, you have to be mental by your actions tonight” I told Youngest to get Eldest into his bedroom and told them to stay there till I came and got them. I picked up the phone where I'd left it dangling and there was no one at the end of it, the Garda must have heard everything and I thought they would be on there way out to us.
I told him “the Garda are probably on their way, do you feel like a big man doing that to your son, it's bad enough the way you talk to him but now this, he said “you should have backed me up in the first place” I was shocked that he would think I would back any of this up and told him “your a 6ft tall man of 14 stone and Eldest is only 11 years old and if I see one wrong look at my son from you, I will kill you and gladly do time for it” He had the cheek to say “I'm only doing what you always do to him” I said “do not ever tar me with your brush or bullshit me with your lies of self protection, you disgust me” He walked away and wheeled out the computer from the kitchen into the spare bedroom and spent the rest of the night putting locks on the spare room door and then locked himself in the room for good measure. Pure chaos. No Garda turned up.
I got the boys into bed with me and told them from now on I will take them to school and bring them home again and they will never be left alone with their father again, I said he's obviously ill and needs a doctor but until then they are not allowed to be without me and they can sleep in this room.
23rd October
I woke the boys up for school and checked Eldest's arm and his neck, he was fine but I feared for his emotional health more than anything else. I told him I was reporting this so there was a record of it and his father will never touch him again. As we left the house for the school Husband unlocked the spare room he was in and wheeled out an old computer that he previously would not give to the school because he said “It's a heap of shite” it looks like it's good enough for us tho. He told no one in particular “you will not have any internet access because there's no spare cable” which I know is a lie because he has a huge reel of cable but I don't care about any bloody computer. All I care about is getting us safe and away from him.
I told him as we left for school “me and the boys are not putting up with any more abuse from you, it was bad enough verbally but now this to an 11 year old child, your own son. All I want is half the cheque you've banked because legally half of it is mine, in my name” He said “you can fuck off, you're not getting a penny, you've spent enough of my money”
We walked out and he came to the front door asking “do you want a lift” I said “the kids do not want to be anywhere near you after your attack on Eldest” he came running down the road after me, swung me round by my shoulders and screamed into my face “Eldest fucking attacked me, are you so desperate for money that you will lie to get your hands on my money” I was petrified and stunned. I saw a car drive past and slow down, husband lifted his hand in a wave and me and the boys started running towards the school. I'm not having my kids go thru this for fuck sake, I cannot cope with it so how the hell are they to be expected to Christ only knows. The man has to be fucking mental. We got half way up to the school and were soaked with the rain and heard a car behind us so we stopped at the side of the road to let it pass but it was him, he asked us “do you all want a lift” I said no and we carried on walking, the man has got to be completely mad. The boys had no water for school, he hasn't got any from the spring well for days now because the boys refused to fill up the bottles whilst he sat in the Jeep smoking so we all have to go without. There's been umpteen radio announcements telling everyone the water is not fit for human consumption. I heard Youngest talking and asked him what he just said, he repeated “if he can't get you physically then he's getting you mentally” for fuck sake my baby is only 10 years old. This is just dreadful.
Eldest thought he heard Youngest say something different and was referring to him so he got the hump and told Youngest. Youngest pushed Eldest into the side of the road and Eldest landed in nettles and roared like a bull. I said to Youngest “do you not think Eldest had enough with his father, how he got treated last night for you to be bullying him now too” I told him he was “grounded and no TV after school” Youngest showed a brand new side to him I never seen before, he told me “you can fuck off, I'm not going to school” then he ran back towards the house and I became like a deer trapped in headlights. I was so close to the school but I did not want Youngest going anywhere near his father at all alone. I kept calling after him but he just ignored me and carried on walking towards the house. I shouted at him to hide away from his father because I have to go and see the head master, he still ignored me, I was shocked because Youngest was always so good natured and so good and never any bother or back chat had come out of him before. What a mess. My poor children.
I got Eldest into school and told him if he got upset at all he was to ask the teacher to call me and I would come and collect him and that dad was not to take him out of the school, he said okay. He was in agony with the nettles so I got dock leaves and rubbed them on his arm and leg then I went in to see G the head teacher and told him everything that happened to Eldest last night and how worried I am about him and that Youngest has now ran away back home and refusing to come to school and G was so good about it all. He told me not to worry about Youngest as he's always such a good child and he would keep a special eye on Eldest and ring me if he thought he should come home and will only tell me and not dad. He said he had a special job for Eldest because his computer was playing up and his printer was not working so he would try and get Eldest to fix it and see if he can get him to talk about anything that may be worrying him that way. He said he would make a note of everything I said in case it was needed. I told him I intended to leave with the kids as soon as I got the money to do so. He told me he will pray for us all and he thinks that Husband might be having a nervous breakdown as he has seen this type of behaviour before. I was shocked about that, I always thought Husband was manic but had no diagnosis.
I got back home at 10.50am and his car was not outside the house and I did not know where Youngest was and started to panic. I found Youngest lying in his bed, he was soaked to the skin, he told me he was hiding in the garden when he saw his dad drive off so he got in the back door. I stuck towels in the tumble drier to heat them up to warm him up then told him to get clean clothes on.
The door knocked and it was my nearest neighbour C, she was making a breakfast for the girls tomorrow and asked me if I could come too, she does this every month for the girls, she is just lovely. I shook my head and she asked me what was wrong, I told her nothing but the tears were pouring silently down my face, she said she would come back and get me at 2pm and we'd have a chat then. I hardly know her, she said “I can tell things are not good because my mum often had that same look as you do now so you do not have to spell anything out to me”
When he got back from where ever he had been at 1pm he had bought me magazines and smokes and had a magazine each for the boys and a bag of sweets, he asked me why Youngest was home, I said he was sick and he chatted to Youngest like nothing had happened. Youngest drew a circle with his fingers around his temple to tell me dad is nuts. He then carried on doing what he was doing in the spare bedroom and was carrying lots of stuff into that room.
The front door knocked at 1.30pm. I walked down the hall to answer it and C was standing at the gate, I didn't know but could tell by C's voice that he must have been standing behind me, I then felt his arm going around my shoulder and he stood with me at the door step. C said she was having the girls round for lunch and asked would I like to come. I was confused for a moment as she previously told me it was for breakfast then I remembered she said she would come and get me at 2pm, I said I would love to and asked could I bring Youngest because he was home from school sick. Husband told me “leave Youngest at home” I said “no because I'll go straight to school for Eldest once I leave C's” he said he would come and get us but C thank god had the sense to tell him she would run us back and save him the journey and he smiled and said thank you to her and told her he would return the favour another day. Youngest was fully dressed by the time we finished talking so I grabbed my bag and we left in C's car. I looked back and he was still waving.
C asked Youngest if he could sit with her child in her living room as he'd just woken up. She took me into the kitchen and I told her all that had happened and that I needed to get the kids away but he would not hand a penny over and all that he'd told me about not getting any of his money and that this behaviour had been going on for years but never before had he ever attacked Eldest. I was shaking when I told her about him getting Eldest in a head lock that could have killed my boy by strangulation and how I could no longer sleep because I was still seeing Eldest face even tho it only happened for mere seconds, I said that vision will not leave me at all so god knows how Eldest was coping and I'd rang the Garda then dropped the phone to launch myself at him to get him out the back door. C told me her mum had the same from her dad which is why she knew something was wrong and said she was not being rude but she thinks Husband is one strange man and her husband had said the same thing. She said they think he's “all front and no substance” She got me the phone book and I rang a solicitor called J. C. and C took us to town to meet the solicitor. The first appointment was free. The advice I got was to get my half of the money he's just banked because I'm legally entitled to it and to just leave the country with my kids, she told me he cannot cash the cheque without me co signing it and getting my share from the bank and she would send him a letter telling him this as when bullies are confronted with a solicitors letter they normally back off and back down when someone outside of the house knows what's going on. I thanked her. I did not say that I was absolutely crapping myself about any letter arriving at the house.
We just got back on time to get Eldest from school. G must have told the teacher what I said to him this morning as the teacher told me Eldest had been fine and was good as gold all day. He threw himself straight into my arms when he came out of school, I had such a lump in my throat at him doing that. C had crisps and chocolate tea cakes which Eldest devoured.
Husbands was outside the school when we walked out, I groaned but told C I had better get in his car or all the parents at the school would think it was strange and start gossiping, she told me she would come and get me tomorrow for the breakfast with the girls at her house.
We got into the car and he was acting completely normal, he asked the boys “how was your day at school” was even tho he knows Youngest hadn't been in school at all. The boys did not talk, he asked me “how did you get on at C's” then asked me “did you enjoy doing fuck all the whole day while I worked my balls off” I said nothing. Once home I got the boys their dinner then got them into my bedroom to watch TV and begged them not to argue about anything at all and said I would be up and down the hall checking on them. He was still busy doing god knows what in the spare room, he now had many keys jangling from his jeans pocket and he sounded like a jailer which I think he now is to us, he is our jailer. So much for us moving here for a better life for the kids. I stayed in my bedroom with the boys for the rest of the night and helped Eldest with his homework.
No letter from the solicitor arrived and I was in a panic now, he was awake all night drinking and smoking and crying and singing. The noise of his jangling keys when he unlocked the spare room door and when he locked it even when he went to the toilet set my nerves on edge. When he left the house to go off somewhere I used the phone and rang the solicitor and spoke to someone who told me she was in court but the letter was being sent out today. I left a message for the solicitor saying he's point blank refused to give me any money at all and is making life intolerable for us all.
When I walked to the school to get the boys I sent him a text telling him we had no fresh water left and I had no way of getting any from the spring well. He replied “there would be water if it was not for your son's” Eldest told me that he and Youngest were playing up and down the lane at the spring well and were messing so dad had got the hump and said we could all go without as they obviously did not think getting water was important. Eldest told him “but it's important for you to sit in the car smoking” so dad drove off leaving them there but Youngest started crying so he came back for them. The bastard. When we get back from school he had bought water from the village. He's not spoken one word to the boys for two days, except to ask Eldest “has she told you to disobey me or are you just being stubborn”
Dad on finding out I'd been up to the school to see G, the head master went straight up to the two room school offering his services to re wire and put in an alarm system free of charge and do any DIY they need doing. I have no idea how he found out.
The solicitors letter arrived. I had thought in a panic moment to hide it but that would solve nothing. I put it next to the kettle and on return from the school I saw it was now on the arm of the sofa and it had been opened. I looked at it and it said nothing like I was told it would do. There was no mention of my share of the cheque, it only mentioned Separation and Mediation, I feel helpless.
C asked me if I'd thought of going to the Garda about it. I said I would think about it because I'm scared stiff of any fall out from doing that.
My Plan- Get half of the cheque that legally I own
My Fear- He's sent it to his bank account in the UK.
My Plan- Get me and boys to London, for them to be settled and in a happy atmosphere by Christmas. Get a UK solicitor to deal with all details re house, maintenance and eventually access, but at this moment in time both boys do not want anything to do with him after his violent episode towards Eldest. Get all our belongings boxed up till I can afford to have them shipped over to us once I get us a permanent address. I wish to god we had never sold the UK house.
Youngest heard me on the phone to C talking about getting half the cheque. He asked me “why only half when there are three of us and only one of him” he is such an intelligent boy, I had never thought of it that way but neither will I rock the boat about it either.
On the monitor of the old computer he's put in the kitchen he's taped an A4 piece of paper stating that if I want any files from the family computer he now has in the spare bedroom then I have to write down exactly what I want and he will put them on a disk for me once he's transferred the files. I have no idea what exactly I have on the computer unless I am looking at it. Utter madness.
C took me to the Garda station. I took all this that I'd written down, he thinks C is having another get together for all the women who meet up at the school. I warned the boys to stay as quiet as they can in my bedroom and I would be back as soon as I could and if they needed me they just to lift the phone and ring me.
I asked the Garda if I could talk to them in private and not at the front desk and C came in with me. I asked them where do I stand legally if my husband has a cheque that half of is mine and he's refusing to give it to me so I can leave with my children. I told them that the solicitor I saw told me that he cannot cash it without me co signing it and getting my share from the bank and I'm worried that he's sent it to England. I told them all that he's been doing and has done but especially to my Eldest and how dangerous it was to get a child in a head lock and that I had rang the Garda that night to make him stop but when I picked up the phone again no one was at the end of it. I said he's living in the spare room, locking himself in it and locking the door when he comes out of it and he's not speaking to me or the boys and we cannot live like this. I told the Garda I'm returning to the UK and he knows it and the solicitor knows it but I can do nothing because I have no money and he will not give me what is legally mine and I haven't a penny to my name and am totally dependent on him after being so independent in the UK, our lives are a living hell and my kids are suffering and living under the most awful atmosphere and abuse and I just want to get my sons out of there. I said I've told the head master at the school all that's going on as I am worried about my boys. The Garda were kind and respectful but they did not even take my name, just told me if it were him he would get the cheque cancelled and advised me to go back to the solicitor again. I just reported he's assaulted Eldest and is abusing us all and this is all I got told. I left that place in tears. C drove me home and I tried ringing the house but the line was engaged, I asked C not to drop me outside the house or he might see me and wonder what the hell was going on. I walked the three quarters of a mile from C house in the pitch black.
I walked into absolute bedlam, Youngest was crying in the bedroom, Eldest was crying in the living room. They told me they'd been jumping up and down on the super king size bed and it turned into an argument when they accidentally bumped heads so they were shouting at one another. Eldest said dad came storming in and grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out of the room and down the hall to the living room demanding that he moved a chair back into the kitchen, Eldest said he refused to so dad pushed him really hard in the back and he went flying against the wall and banged his head. I felt his head and he did have a small lump on his head. I took Eldest to his father and I was roaring at him “feel the lump on the child's head, the lump you caused” he said “I did not touch him” I told him “you will be spending the night in jail after this” he felt Eldest's head and told me “you're mental because I can feel nothing” I asked him “why the hell are you feeling his head when you just denied touching him” he said “because you just told me to and if I do not do as you demand then I know you will get abusive and aggressive with me” Eldest and I looked at one another puzzled. He then declared “I never touched Eldest and if Eldest is hurt then it must have been when he was fighting with Youngest” and said “where the fuck have you been, I'm reporting you because you walked out and abandoned your children” even tho he had been told and he believed I was at C's.
My head was spinning with what was coming out of that man's mouth. Youngest on hearing what dad said came out of his room and said to his dad “why did I have to stand between you and Eldest with my arms stretched out then ” Youngest did not wait for an answer and screamed at his father “so you would leave him alone” Husband just walked out and locked himself in the spare bedroom with Youngest yelling after him “you're a bad bastard and an evil man and I hope you die” Husband said “it's not true, what kind of father would ever do that to his kid”
I took the boys into the kitchen and told them I'm doing everything to get us away from here and I've been to the Garda and told them all he's been doing to us all and I will tell him about it tomorrow and it will mean he never does anything again or he will be in big trouble. Eldest said “good”
Youngest told me he tried to call me but he phoned Nan by mistake because she's listed under Mum on the land line. I told him I rang but got the engaged tone so I thought that dad was on the phone. I asked him had he told Nan what dad was doing to Eldest, he said no, he just said “it's Youngest but I've called you by mistake” and he hung up. Eldest said “she must have known it was Youngest with the caller ID she has, she must have known something was wrong because she must have heard me crying my eyes out” Youngest said “I know dad was listening on the hands free phone in the bedroom and who would believe kids anyway over an adult” I said “I do” Eldest said he ran into the big bedroom to use the phone in there to call C as that phone has labels written with names which you just need to press a button to dial out but dad walked into the bedroom and stood at the door with his arms folded and told Eldest “I hope you're ringing the Garda because I want to speak to them and you'll be in real big trouble when they hear all about your cheek and behaviour. He then told eldest “I will give your mother two weeks coping alone with you before she has enough of you and puts you into care in a boys home and I'll tell you all about what happens to little boys in those places before she dumps you there and if she doesn't put you in one of those places then I definitely will” Eldest was distraught telling me this. He then got very cheeky to me and I told him I'm going mad trying to get us out of here so I'll ask C if she could put us up for a few nights, Eldest went mad at me saying “you should not be telling anyone what dad's doing or you will make things worse and then all my friends will find out and take the piss out of me and Youngest so I will just run away”
I got the boys some supper then stayed in the bedroom with them, talking to Eldest and keeping him calm,wrapping my arms around them both, we all wept together. I wished Husband would just drop dead like Youngest had said because I see no way out of this for any of us and I feel like a total failure as a mother.
He went out at 8.10pm and woke us all up at 1.30am pissed out of his head. The dogs went mad. He then made more noise in the kitchen getting out plates. I must have fell asleep as I got woke up again at 2.20am by the sound of his jailer keys unlocking the spare bedroom. I hate him.
I took the boys out for a walk with me in the morning, we met C out walking, I told her what happened whilst we were at the Garda station and I showed her the lump on Eldest's head which had now gone but he did have a small scrape mark. She told me we can go stay at her house but Eldest shouted out no.
When we got back to the house he'd removed something from the old computer in the kitchen which now does not work at all.
He told me he was going into town and asked me “do you want half a pizza, I said “no but I want half the cheque to get us the hell out of Ireland away from you” he said “that money is needed to pay off a big tax bill and you're getting nothing and I've taken my own legal advice and I don't have to give you anything at all and I've reported you for leaving the kids alone with me in the house knowing they're always fighting and when they do fight you're then coaching them to say it's me who's hurting them” I was utterly confounded by this and worried sick, who is he getting this advice from and telling these dreadful lies to. I know he's crazy but how do I prove it.
He soon returned and was yet again locked in the spare room. I have never known mental abuse like this in my whole life and I ain't once had it easy but this is beyond anything I have ever known or experienced. It has affected both Eldest and me. Youngest appears immune to it thank god but he's always stuck to me like glue and he never back chats his father so he sort of avoids the lunatics madness. Eldest is like me and cannot shut his mouth and he hates injustice too and will tell his father what is right and what is not. I'm feeling very shaky and have started tugging and twirling my hair till it falls out like I used to as a child. I veer from tears to fury to feeling optimistic at getting our freedom. Eldest said he feels shaky inside, he's having headaches and belly ache, he hides behind the door or under the duvet if he hears his father unlock the spare room door and his eczema has flared up all over his arms. He is also the same as me with the tears then the rage. I will need to get him counselling once we get away as he is blocking things inside him and it's coming out in a dreadful way to both me and to Youngest. I will have a very angry young man on my hands one day if I do not get us away and get help for him soon.
I told Husband I need to take Eldest to the doctor for his headaches and his belly ache. He said “ I don't have money to waste on a drama queen mother telling bullshit to any doctor and if you're so concerned about Eldest's health then I will take him to the doctor and waste €40 to be told there's nothing wrong with him and you can stay at home with Youngest while I take him” He knows Eldest will not go with him and I won't let him go alone with his father. We both then get told “you're bullshitters and there's Calpol in the kitchen if he's really in pain with headaches and belly ache which he would not be if you did not keep pandering to him and let him eat crap like crisps, chocolate and biscuits whenever he liked” The man is a fucking monster. A total fucking monster.
We left him on Xmas eve with the help of C driving us away and I took the boys to daughters after she got us flights in secret. I immediately contacted housing in London and me and the boys were on our way in daughters father in law's taxi when I was called to go back to daughters, the emergency housing we were on our way to was retracted after a foreign man working in the housing dept asked me if I'd applied for child benefit. I hadn't because it was the last thing on my mind on Xmas Eve but if I had lied we would have been okay but I never lie so we were homeless and I'm born and bred in the UK and paid taxes for years.
Back at daughters we went and you just know when you're not welcome, there is an unexplained atmosphere but everyone acts normal. Daughters fella came up to me on a Sunday morning when daughter was in the bath and he asked me when I thought I would be moving. I'd no where to go and no money either and when I told daughter she went ballistic at him, then his mum asked me the same thing out in the garden, telling me they needed their own space etc. I took the boys out and walked to a location with them and went to where I knew a homeless house was for families and I knocked on the door feeling humiliated and very alone, whoever I spoke to told me they only take referrals from the council. I sat in that locations park with my boys, it had been all over the news that joggers were being stabbed in this very park so none of us felt safe. When I got back to daughters I did not tell her where we had been and I used her phone to ring my mother in law who told me Husband was in shock and did not know where we'd gone to and he was going to report us as missing persons. I told her the reasons we had to leave and now many people knew why including neighbours and the school staff in Ireland, she told me I should be kinder to Husband because he's very sensitive and all marriages go thru bad patches and all boys need their dad. I could not believe what she was saying to me and I could have reminded her of the nutter she herself had been married to and divorced but I have respect for my elders and would never have wanted to hurt her.
We had outstayed our welcome at daughters so we had no choice but to go back.
He cashed in our Life Insurance without my knowledge or consent and banked £4000 in his UK bank account, none of us saw penny of it.
He rang Abbey National and claimed someone was using his debit card fraudulently on line when he was the only person using it. He always claimed he had no money in the bank until I behaved myself then he found money.
He locked me in when we lived in a flat 4 floors up, taking my keys and bag with him, leaving me with 2 babies with no way out if any emergency.
He left me suicide notes and would disappeared and I would have to call police.
He would tell me he was at work when he was not. He was treating and “dating” other women.
I am a human being with feelings not put on this earth to be used and abused, humiliated and controlled by someone who claims to love me but their words and deeds tell me often that this is not love. I would rather be punched than go through this mental torture.
I used to love going to visit his Mother, I did not like her very much, she has a very cold personality and there was not much conversation and not much comfort there either, no TV, no heating but I can get on with anyone and he always treated me like a queen when we were there and the kids as little prince’s. It took me years and years to realise that it was just an act, a pretence, the perfect son, the perfect husband, the perfect father. And the winner of the Oscar for this year is………………..
I found a note he'd written to himself, “have hidden the condoms but she's not noticed yet because there's been no reaction” Why would anyone do this kind of thing?
When Eldest was less than a year old, we were visiting my oldest friends, 200 miles away. Once again my whole time and attention was not firmly focused on him and I could see he was getting in a state as he stormed off upstairs. I followed him as I wanted no scene here, he said he was “just tired, I'll be okay” so I went to the toilet and he went downstairs and picked Eldest up and went off into the night. I came down and asked where he and my baby were and when I got told he'd just gone out with the baby, the panic in me was so frightening. Friend ran after him and came back having not seen him, he said he must have jumped into a taxi. There was only one place I knew he could possibly go to, his brother, they're not a close family at all but he had what his brother did not have at that time, a baby. My friend drove and found him at his brothers flat and lambasted him and made him return and Husband said in a very calm voice to me “what’s the problem now, do I have to ask for permission to take my baby to see my brother” not at that hour of the night you don’t, not when the baby was due his bottle, nothing would get through to this man, he then ranted on about the lukewarm reception he got from his brother and his wife. I was not surprised because he was not invited and it was 10pm at night and they both had work to get up for in the morning. Once again I was brought to heel through fear of what he was capable of, his unpredictability is scary, I do not know what he'll do next. The very next day he insisted on buying my friend a washing machine as theirs was broken, good old Husband comes to someone else’s rescue again to save his face.
He cancelled our joint bank account without telling me. I only found out when my cash card was swallowed by the ATM and I went into the branch to be told by the teller that my husband had removed my name and he could legally do so as he was first named on the account. The shame of being told this by a stranger in the bank, my face glowed like a tomato, I was mortified and wished the ground would open up and swallow me, I remember she was wearing a navy suit with a lovely bright chiffon scarf around her neck and thinking she looked like she worked for an airline. I did not believe her, I kept asking her if she had she got it wrong and could she please check it again, I asked was she sure and she kept saying she was sorry, I saw the pity in her eyes, I had to walk out, it was only 30 paces to the exit but it felt like the longest and most shameful walk of my entire life and I could not get the double buggy through the doors. I kept it all together until I realized I had a very long walk home of 3 miles pushing a double buggy with two small children along a dual carriageway.
When I got home and rang him I was beside myself, I told him we were over, that I never wanted to see him again, how could he not have told me, why would he humiliate me in that way. He must have realized I was serious about us being over, he told me “don't be silly” he asked “how was I to know you would take yourself off to town and you must realise we have money troubles and you know how to spend money like water” did I hell ever do that, I was working nights, it was my money too, I cursed every expletive I knew and made a few up too. I began to live as two different people, a happy mum to my kids and a nervous wreck of a wife to my husband. He then changed tack and said the bank must be mistaken and he would fix it. I decided I would never have any joint account with him ever again.
He had £150,000 inheritance and gave three people £10,000 from it and gave me nothing. “You only need to ask, if you want anything” Did not quite work out that way though. I got nothing, all had to be ran past him first for approval.
He rang my GP when I was asking him to help me with two small children, I was running the bath and overheard him say “Yes doctor, I'm extremely worried about my wife, I believe she's suffering from post natal depression and I would be grateful if you can come and see her as soon as possible” I had to go and see my GP and tell her I was in fact exhausted, I had to explain why I was begging my husband for help with the kids, one of whom did not sleep through the night (for years)
He had no friends but is Mr. Nice Guy to anyone outside the house, he will do anything for anyone except his wife and kids.
He moans, complains and bitches about many people but will never have the nerve to confront anyone who has upset him, he takes it out on me instead.
He went out to a New Years Eve function with new neighbours and got drunk, he kept picking up tuna sandwiches and asking all around him “what does the smell remind you off” big pause, then he said “my wife” when my friend G told me this I was mortified. I am the cleanest person I know. Later in the week G was in my house when he came home from work and I confronted him in front of her, he opened the kitchen cupboard and began throwing tuna cans at G's feet, he said “I meant you are always buying tins of tuna” and told G “get out and do not come back, you're trying to ruin my marriage” she said “that’s what you told a packed pub” he denied it, she told me “You need to bin him, he's freaking mental”
He told his Mother and his Aunt that I was an alcoholic when he is the only one drinking every night, He had the sheer cheek to write (he is always writing letters to himself) that his own dad only stopped drinking when he left his wife (his mother) It must be us women’s fault then I suppose.
I tried in the past to leave him. I was in a woman’s refuge once but it felt as if someone had taken my right arm away, how mad am I then, I lasted 3 weeks then returned. I also went to a caravan park with the kids after the tuna incident, I was going to stay for the weekend but Youngest became sick and was only a small baby so I returned. He was so sad at coming home to an empty house that he changed the locks and was on the phone to an ex girlfriend, this I didn't know until I read the letter he wrote to her that he brought into the house, it began “how lovely to hear your dulcet tones again” he claimed he would never have posted it. It took me hours for that first line to sink in and realise he had phoned her before writing that letter. I involved his mother as we wrote to one another weekly and she spoke to him and she told me he knows he was an idiot but she believed him that he would never have posted it. After this was the weekend he disappeared after what I had apparently said to his friend about him. I have no doubts that he was with this ex of his. I wish to fuck he had stayed with her for good.
He never speaks to anyone on the phone in my presence, he has this need to keep everything secret, he will talk so low that you could never overhear him.
Poor Eldest once loved Eminem and was so happy when I bought him the CD (I always bought my kids something on a Friday out of my wages when I met them from school) when but dad decided out of the blue during one of his bad mood sessions that he'd heard “listening to that music affects kids” he took the CD of Eldest and binned it. Eldest was heartbroken, I was furious. I told Eldest I thought that Eminem was a poet, maybe some of the things he sang were inappropriate but Eldest loved the music and the ex was no role model with his large stash of porn magazines.
When I was at one of my three part time jobs, in a hotel, I had a phone call from my Eldest telling me that our 8 week old puppy had bitten Youngest on the ear, I knew it could not have been serious as puppies only play and have tiny teeth but Youngest was crying his eyes out in the background. Eldest said “dad won't get out of bed to help Youngest” so I had to leave work which did not impress my boss and go home to comfort Youngest.
I woke up early one morning to find a note he had left by the kettle “I cannot sleep, your breaking my heart, (I wanted to sleep, not have sex as I was breast feeding every 3 hours) I've gone for a swim in the Thames, Goodbye” I had to call the police as I didn't know if it was just a threat or not, two policemen came to house and asked me for a recent photo of him and took away his note, they said if he turned up he was to contact them immediately, I cannot begin to describe the fear and dread I felt. He turned up hours later looking very sheepish and sorry for himself, I did not know whether I wanted to hug him or slap him, I told him to call the police, he did, and told them “she knew it was a joke, she always over reacts”
We lived in a flat 4 floors off the ground and again because he was not my first priority due to breast feeding and no energy for sex I again woke up to him gone but this time he had locked me in, taking my keys and my purse, no logic there at all, I did not need my purse if I could not get out of the flat, there was no way out except the balcony, I did ring the fire brigade and asked them “what would happen if someone was locked in” and they told me “£70, love to get your door broken down” When he returned he asked me what my problem was as he was back now.
He bugged the house phone and could repeat word for word what conversation I had with anyone, must have been bloody boring for him then. He later denied doing such a thing “as it was illegal”
He signed us both up to some online diet programme, then later when he was annoyed about god knows what, he rang his bank and said that someone must be using his card fraudulently but not to worry as it was only for a small amount. He claimed to me that he had forgotten that he'd signed us up for it.
I did go to the Garda station once with a girl friend but they did not even take my name, I suppose in hind sight if I was black and blue from a beating they would have had something concrete to see but in my case they were not interested, said go see a solicitor but to do that I would have needed money of my own.
He locked himself in the spare bedroom, fixed padlocks on the outside of the door, stayed awake all night long drinking and smoking and playing loud music, our lives were sheer hell, he did not talk to any of us, came and went as he pleased, he often got this way and it always began with him chatting like a budgie to anyone where normally he would not initiate any conversation, drinking like a fish, smoking like a chimney, have all these fantastic, amazing ideas for a business, have awful insomnia and always an explosion at the end of it all. When it would start, it could last from anything from a couple of days up to two or three weeks but the end result was always the same. He would smash the dishes, throw cups against the wall, rant and rave about anyone and everyone who had previously pissed him off, tell me exactly what he thought of me, all that was wrong with me then when this ended he would want to be held, loved and that was the last thing I would want but to keep the peace I would, yet I would be seething inside.
Eldest was crying, he said “dad is crying and told me something but I'm not allowed to tell you and you have to go away” Husband was pacing up and down in the kitchen, he'd already smashed the place up so I decided against going anywhere near him, if he caught us looking anywhere near him he would yell “am I not allowed to get angry, only you lot are allowed to be angry” Youngest came to me and said “dad has Eldest in the back garden now and they're both crying” so I went out to them, I got ignored then told to “fuck off” Youngest said “dad's told Eldest that when he was the same age as him now, his parents split up and he never saw his dad ever again until he was dead and in a wooden coffin”
Eldest then told me “if you ever leave Dad, I'm not going with you, I'm staying with dad.
On one of these mad episodes he decided out of the blue he wanted a holiday on his own, he just took off, threw a sleeping bag in the back of his car and was gone. He later rang me to tell me there was something wrong with him, that he couldn't drive the car, that his arm and face was all numb. I told him to ring for an ambulance or I would, he said no I just want to talk to you, I wanted to tell him to fuck off but I didn't. When he's with me he makes my life hell, when he's not with me he still makes my life hell, so I listened to him rabbit on about nothing, he told me the numbness was going now and he loves me and would call me soon. Another call a few hours later, he sounded in top form, he's in a lovely hotel (lucky for some) is at the bar with a man telling him all about his beautiful wife (is it any wonder I think I am mad) he said he wants to come home but needs to know before hand if I'm going to “start” If he could strike me mute he would be the happiest man alive I think. The next day he rang me every half hour, he was still on a high, I could tell by his voice and his chattiness and was dreading his return, he got ten miles from home and again the pins and needles and numbness were in his arm, neck and face, he says he can't drive, I said I'd come and get him by cab but he said he didn't not know where he was, he just gives me the name of a petrol station and a motel. I left the boys with J and B, neighbours and took off in a taxi looking for him. I found him after twenty minutes and he was looking very ill, pale, blotchy, shaking, stressed out, unwashed, clearly he had not slept at all, he's not well, he needed help getting out of the car and into the taxi but refused to move unless I promised on my kids life I would not start on him, that word again. He actually means I do not talk or tell him off or chat full stop, I no longer know anymore. I was ashamed that this was taking place in front of a stranger, the taxi driver wanted to know what was wrong with him, he asked me if we should get him straight to the hospital but Husband said no, he just wanted to go home. He was not just breathing but sighing loudly with every breath he took, he did not want me to talk, he did not want to talk, he had a hold of my hand and would not let it go so I used my other hand to call the GP and asked for an emergency appointment and we went straight there. I would have liked to go in with him so I could support him and let the doctor know that this is nothing new and I don't know what makes him like this so we could try and get to the bottom of why he does this and what causes it, to see how he can be helped but he was adamant that he went in alone and he shuffled into the room like an old man and my heart broke for him. He came out still sighing constantly, he had a prescription in his hand that I now needed to go and get for him and I said I would like to see the doctor, he said the doctor does not want to see you, lets go and we walked home slowly. He was chatting away as if nothing was wrong, he kept stopping, he kept grabbing my face and kissing me, he kept asking me if I loved him and if so why did I make his life hell on earth, we passed people that we know and I plastered the smile on my face for them and wished to god we were home and not in public, I was hoping and praying that the explosion that would surely come did not happen in public because I would die with shame.
When we got home I ran him a bath as it might relax him and give me some breathing space but no, he wanted me to sit on the loo seat whilst he was in the bath, I needed to get my kids, they are never normally left with anyone and will be wondering what's going on, he just lay in the water with his eyes closed. I told him I needed to go try and find an out of hours chemist to get his prescription. I did not even realise I was still wearing slippers until I was in the chemist, the prescription is for Valium, he's had these before and they do not work for him, it will take a baseball bat to knock him out when he's like this. I gave him two of the Valium and he came downstairs and asked me to sit on the couch with him, I did and again he had my hand gripped so tight and would not let it go, on the one hand I love him and want to help him but on the other I've been through this so many times before and I am bone weary of the drama, I hate and love him at the same time and I cannot separate the two emotions because I keep remembering all the things he's done to hurt me but I just sat still. I fleetingly thought was this just an act to bring me to heel as it’s the same scenario every damn time, he causes ructions, I cannot take any more and react so he runs off and returns like he has now, needing me and only me, total focus only for him, he wanted another tablet as the two he took have not touched his hyper but knackered state, he also wants to go to bed, wants me to go to bed, if I say no he will bolt or breakdown and as usual it will be all my fault, still always my fucking fault.
When he was asleep I emptied his bag for his dirty washing, he had a writing pad packed away and I pulled it out to look at it, he had written all that he thought was wrong with me, and so wrong with our marriage and how he changed from a quiet unassuming man whenever his insomnia started to becoming someone who will chat to anyone, how he gets these fantastic ideas, how he can then stick up for himself when he's normally non confrontational. I was always telling him that there was a pattern to this and we even came up with a code word if I thought he was heading down this path but off course that was all in my mind and he said we did not agree to any such thing according to him and so I again thought I must be mad. I also found in his pocket a form from the doctor stating that he “had attended surgery” and “was given Valium” in his office and he “was suffering from severe stress and severe adrenalin overload due to a BAD MARRIAGE” What a bastard.
Why can he not communicate like most people do. I'm no saint but I get my worries, hurts, fears etc. out into the open, he does not, will not, cannot and I'm sick of it. The only weapon, defence I have is my runaway mouth and that’s what he cannot stand, I can stick up for myself verbally, but why should I have to? Another crisis over for now. Until the next time.
I'd been working night shift leaving at 9.30pm and returning at 7am, we need the money and I can do no other hours due to his inability to down tools when his work clock stops, these are the only hours that will fit in with him but still he fucks me over.
It was the Easter holidays, the boys were off school and I'd asked him to take holidays as he was entitled to them. I needed him to help me out with the boys as I could not see how I could manage with no sleep and two boisterous children at home until he returned at hopefully 5.30pm, he said he would book the time off so I was pleased about that. He did not however book the time off and I was almost a basket case due to lack of sleep. On at least five occasions he did not return home until 7pm and I would have to be at the bus stop for 9.30pm. I completely lost it with him, shouting and crying at the same time, I could cope and understand if he worked for the emergency services and it was a matter of life or death but he works with frigging computers.
He told me he's read online all about mental illness and told me everyone who knows me has agreed with him that this is what I have and asks me would I like it printed out so that I can read it. I laughed out loud, I told him he's got to be taking the piss and name me one person who agrees with him, he said he did not want to get anyone into trouble but that he was genuinely concerned about me.
He plants a seed in my head and even though I know I'm an intelligent woman, the doubt has been planted and I then go out of my way to prove him wrong, my poor doctor was an angel who always assured me that I had none of what he would label me with. Thank God.
He agreed to go and see a psychiatrist through our GP after one of his more severe “breakdowns” I got him an appointment quite quickly. On his return he was very bouncy and happy, he asked me to sit down, he said “I have good news and bad news for you, what do you want first” then proceeded to tell me the psychiatrist told him that “the wrong person is on my couch” and “I feel sorry for you having to put up with such a female, who sounds like she needs psychiatric help for herself” and “there is nothing at all wrong with you, the psychiatrist also apparently told him “I am worried about your children if she's their primary carer” like a fool I believed all he told me and I asked him for the chaps name, his number and address but I did not get it from him. I went to see my GP instead and she held my hand and she assured me “no professional worth their salt would make such a statement without first seeing and speaking to someone over many weeks and months” she suggested “perhaps your husband did not keep his appointment” but I never did get to the bottom of it.
He told me frequently and also in the presence of friends “all would be okay between us if you just behaved yourself” I was given no explanation of what that meant though, If I asked him, I was told “you know exactly what I mean” but I never did.
I walked to the small village shop when the kids were babies and when I returned I almost died on seeing the living room window covered completely with sanitary towels. I was aghast, he had done it whilst I went to the shop with my kids. His only explanation was “you treat me like a cunt so I might as well have one” G my best friend and neighbour said “that man needs locking up in a secure unit somewhere” If only I had listened the many times people told me he was crazy and not have listened to my heart.
I found one of his notebooks and he had written that if anything happened to him he wanted a coroner to check there was no ground up glass in his system as he was convinced that the Spaghetti Bolognaise he'd eaten that evening contained ground up glass. Where he even got such a thought from I will never know.
I never did get to know the real man, we rarely got to see the man that could be nice to everyone else, we are still being punished from afar, the mind games and the control are still ongoing.
I know I should have left the very first time that any kind of abuse was shown but we lived together for a year before marriage and he showed no sign at all of madness, of being such an abuser, of being mentally ill, how can someone like that pull the wool over my eyes so well. I have always been an intelligent woman and so independent. My only excuse was that four letter word called love and then slowly but surely I lost myself, the end result has been that I will never enter any other relationship with any man, if a man you loved enough to marry and spent all those years with can do all he did then what chance would I have with a man I would not know so well, what chance would a man have with this woman who is now so damaged she will never be with a man. It does not seem fair at all but that is how I now have to live, how I choose to live, alone. I could never have anyone control me ever again, at the first hint of friction I would be gone like a bat out of hell so why put myself or a decent man thru that so I won't.
I have been gone from him for three weeks, I have never been so busy in my life but the guilt and the grief is indescribable, I cannot eat, or sleep or concentrate, from reading books on an almost daily basis to not being able to focus on even a newspaper.
He will not give me any information about Eldest, he just hangs up when he hears my voice, I call Eldest before he goes to school and after school too but Eldest just keeps saying he's okay, I do not understand what that pricks problem is, he wanted me gone but I think because I went away under my own steam and not as he wanted (to take me to the airport to ensure I got on the plane) that he somehow felt not in control of the situation, of me, any more.
He has not once contacted Youngest, not by text, email, phone, nothing, it must hurt the child, I try to get him to talk about it but all he will say is “does not bother me, it’s just the same as it’s always been”
On one occasion when I was chatting to Eldest on the phone, he told me “Dad is here” I asked if I could talk to him but I could hear him in the background telling Eldest when he asked him “I do not want to talk to that c***”, so much for the separation agreement he made me sign stating he would keep in consistent contact with me regards Eldest and him to Youngest.
Then in the early hours of the morning he texted me saying “A woman’s work is never done”
My fear is that he will go on a downward spiral, I am in constant fear for my boy, he tells me to stop texting and ringing him so much but I am too far away to relax, what the hell have I done, I want to go back or I want my son with me but he's “having a great time” he tells me.
I'm worried sick in case my boy is no longer needed by him, I still cannot work out why they became best buddies, he was never a good Dad before, what if he reverts back to type and Eldest takes all the crap, I cannot live this way, I need to sort something out for my child, I know that I left him emergency money and T will be ready and waiting to go and get him should he contact her for any reason but still I cannot settle.
I set up counselling for myself as I desperately need to carry on talking to someone about my failed marriage and my leaving my son behind. I truly blame myself for everything.
I am covered in a rash, I look as if someone has thrown acid over my face and arms, I was told that it's stress, I was told to learn how to relax but I can’t. I have lived on red alert for so long now that I've no idea how to live any other way.
I went to see a solicitor. I sent him an email telling him I've started divorce proceedings and I would be ensuring that it was all kept very amicable (because Eldest is living with him, I was taking no chances of him having anything to complain about) and he rang me screaming and shouting about finances, screaming “what did you tell them”? “If you think your getting another penny out of me then your very much mistaken?” the penny dropped, he would have to declare where over £150,000 has gone, which I know was not spent, and certainly not spent on either the kids, or me or the house, I let him rant and rave then asked him “why are you getting so animated, if you have nothing to hide. Why is your attitude not simply good luck to you girl, there is no money” why is this all he cares about.
He followed up with a text “ You twisted, sad, malicious c***, I will photo copy every receipt you signed and send them to your scum bag of a solicitor, you can both go and fuck yourselves, I don’t give a shit, you can take every last penny, I no longer care” He's saying an awful lot for someone who does not care. Followed by: “I have just finished washing and ironing, don’t know how you did it all, night, night” Jesus, my nerves were bad, it was like dealing with two different people, yet again.
I sent Eldest a text, no reply, I rang his mobile, it was switched off, I was in panic mode again, he replied eventually saying he was still in bed asleep and what did I want. To check your safe I said but the line went dead.
I personally am becoming worse mental health wise, I jump at every noise, I still cannot sleep, I'm crying in the street and I'm worried about being able to cope, I would liken it to being institutionalised then just set free and told to go work out the outside world for myself, it sounds extreme but that’s the only way I can describe it, I just cannot cope on my own. He must be right, it must be me, it must be my entire fault, why did I not just appreciate the life I had, appreciate him, he is not like he is for anyone else but me and kids so it must be all me, what kind of a woman just leaves one of her kid’s behind, what am I going to do.
Eldest tells me he's struggling at school, I advised him to have a word with the careers guidance counsellor, “no way” he said like a typical teenager, I rang Husband to see if he could help Eldest, he told me “go fuck yourself, me and Eldest are nothing to do with you any more” you abandoned us, what kind of woman does that to her own kid” A desperate one I said to thin air as he cut me off. And no I did not abandon my Eldest. My Eldest was given carte blanch to treat me and Youngest as he liked and he relished it too, even then I asked, I begged him to come to London with me and my Youngest and the answer was always no.
I went to a doctor with a list of my symptoms, “why have you wrote a list?” he asked “because I have trouble remembering things” I answered. I told him I've just left my husband and he wanted to know why. I could not tell him, it was not the time nor place and I did not know this man to trust him enough to talk about my life with my husband, to bare my soul to him. I would have broken down and never recovered. I was in hyper alert mode. I wanted help for physical symptoms, he put me on anti depressants. I got a full 7 hours sleep but my head felt as if someone had peeled back my scalp and put a heavy weight on top of my brain, this was not good, getting sleep was but I needed to be able to function for my Youngest and be alert in case my Eldest needed me.
I had a missed call during the night from the cottage in Ireland. I immediately rang in the morning but no one answered. I rang husbands mobile, “it wasn't me, neither was it Eldest, how are you” he asked and proceeded to tell me about some “idiot” who'd pissed him off. I just let him rant, I agreed with him when I was supposed to and said “tell Eldest I'm thinking about him” he said “tell him yourself because he's standing right here” Eldest came on the phone, I asked him “why are you not at school”. “Slept in and Dad says it’s okay not to go and I'm helping him with his work” he then tells me “I'm doing great” and I relaxed a bit.
Text from Husband in early hours of the morning, he says “Hope you are okay, Eldest is okay” I am grateful he's now come out of his prolonged tantrum but I'm saddened that he's still not asked one word of our Youngest.
There are no school places for Youngest anywhere, so I have him signed up to home education and he loves it. He and Eldest are now communicating by msn and I thank god for small mercies.
I am looking forward to going to counselling as I need to sort out then pack away my feelings of guilt, despair, worthlessness, grief. I am normally so good at putting on the mask for the outside world but lately I cannot do it, anything can set of my tears, I am an embarrassment to myself, I am letting myself down with my woe is me attitude. I am sliding down a huge black hole, constantly praying to whom, I no longer know, maybe all these years of prayers not being answered means I am not worth anything to anyone, and depression has firmly set in. I ask myself what I want. I want my Eldest with me, I want us to feel settled, secure, happy, an education, to feel worthwhile to my family and society, to be self sufficient, not a lot to ask for eh! I feel like I've lost everything, my eldest son, my Husband, my lover, my best friend, my home, my dog, my self respect, my self esteem. I want to go home.
Eldest's birthday was coming up, I was told by that prick “you're not allowed to come over to see him as the guards will be called if you turn up” and like a fool I believed him. No way would I want any ructions on my son’s birthday. I rang my Eldest and he was with his friend, at a bowling alley he said, he said he loved my present, he said thanks, he was giggly and chatty, I thought it strange at the time because he was not normally so animated on the phone. I put it down to e numbers re fizzy drinks and cake, (I found out later the real reason and I was fit for murder) he said “Dad is hardly sleeping, he's asked for time off work as he's not fit for long hours and the boss said no” and my heart sank like a stone. I reminded him to call me at any time and that he had T's number too and not to forget, Eldest just laughed some more, then told me I was getting on his nerves repeating myself all the time with the same old thing and he had to go and have some fun.
I stopped taking the anti depressants, they may help others but they were not helping me. On walking to a local shop I had dreadful heart palpitations, I have had them before but these were like a mule kicking me in the chest so I rang daughter and went to the local casualty and got strapped up to a heart monitor and an aspirin was put under my tongue and I was terrified, the doctor was lovely, very kind and understanding so I confided in him all that had happened and was happening still, he was so very nice to me. When daughter arrived she said I had to try and now get myself together, that I was still living as I had been for many years, I still had him pulling my strings and still had him in my head. The doctor said I should go and get a life for myself, put into practice all I wanted for myself and as I took control of my own destiny my spirits would lift and I would be able to cope with anything, to take it slowly and be kind to myself, there was nothing I could do to make the ex want to be a Dad to our youngest, nothing I could control regarding my other child except let him know I was there for him always, when and if he needed me, nothing I could do to make my ex communicate with me regards anything, I had to try and be the bigger person in all this and let him go. All he said got through to me and I promised the doctor, daughter and my Youngest and myself that I would do all I could to try and make this new life that I'd wanted but now could not cope with. I would start with proper counselling and re start my education so that my whole concentration was not on that prick and my Eldest. They chose how they treated both me and my Youngest.
So my new life began.
I joined a college and began doing something I always loved to do and made a lot of friends too, I still had no social life at all but just to be mixing and having chats with other like minded adults was enough for me, I was smiling again. I loved studying, it gave me focus and something to aim for.
I was still in daily contact with Eldest but something had changed as it was bound to do so, he was becoming distant again, only conversing when and if he wanted me to help him or to complain about his Dad, silly little things, it took him many months to declare exactly what was going on.
I was learning about the legal side of things and had changed my application for divorce wording so as not to upset Husband because if he got upset, it would be Eldest who suffered the fall out. I was so far away from him but he was still calling the shots as to how I dealt with things.
He eventually was not managing at all as he asked me “please come home babe” and I almost fell for it thinking he at last realised what he'd lost. He would call me up and talk to me for hours, usually with his “sick voice on” I know now he wanted mothering and who better than his wife who had fallen for the same old shit routine for many years every other time he “needed” me but the nagging doubts inside me would not go away. I failed to realise that it was my gut instinct talking and I was only now at last hearing and listening to it too.
Be very careful what you wish for, the years of tears, of grief, of begging, of pleading, of rescuing him, off madness, of cruelty, of wanting, of needing, of loving and getting nothing in return and at last, at very long last he asks me “Please come home babe”
I am stupid, I have been stupid, I have been needy, I have been mental, I have been neglected, I have been wanting and I still believed I loved him, why? I do not know. Is it the promises made when we married, the years I have put in, the carer in me, the fact that he's still my husband and life should not be this way, am I still awaiting a miracle? Do I even deserve one
I know the name he uses online and the detective in me googled that name and lo and behold up he pops on every dating site known to man and beast. What a bastard, claiming to me that he and wants and needs me, asking me to “come home babe” and below the surface he is as base as any man or woman can be. It's all bullshit, what is wrong with me, why the hell can I not just let go and get on with my life, why the hell am I destroyed completely, why the hell have I left before and lived in women’s refuges where I did not feel I was welcome because I did not have black eyes or broken bones. Why the hell do I believe him when he convinces me that there has to be something wrong with me, that I must be the mental one, why he is not like this with anyone else.
So I found him on a dating site and despite my nervousness, despite the very audible beat of my heart pounding in my chest, despite my fear, despite my worry, despite everything, I signed up in a made up name and found a very pretty photo of a young woman on a Russian web site and set up a profile and set my bait and he bit that bait very, very quickly.
Be careful what you wish for, My fault, off course, as only us individuals can accept what we accept but for some reason my psyche, my morals, my soul, my heart, my welfare as was back then and is now, still cannot comprehend, cope with what I learned, read and felt. I was seared by the imaginary hottest of pokers and scar tissue may get thick over time but it's still fragile no matter how many years do pass and so still my scars are fragile and I determined that I will be alone the rest of my life as I now trust only me. I will never trust another man as long as I live in any romantic capacity. If your husband of many years standing can lie to your face so easily and blatantly, then I believe there has to be something wrong with me. How fucked up is that equation.
“Please come home babe” And so from many miles away I entered into a make believe world of “he loves me, has fallen for me” and he did, but only with my alter ego. This husband of mine wooed me, versed me, fell in love with a stranger that was actually his wife. If that is not fucked up, I do not know what is. I had never met THIS man. He wrote poems, he begged to meet up with this new love of his life, he paid for an astrological relationship profile, he claimed his son, (no mention of Youngest at all) was adamant that his mother should never come back and how he has been such a happy boy without his mother in his life. He begged and demanded his new love meet him so he could shower her with one hundred roses. I have to admit it hurt when I was not even taken to the street corner and had put up with nothing but misery from him for 17 years. I was fascinated, humiliated, distressed, I could not believe it, I heard and read things that no wife should do, as a man he (my frigging husband) fished for and fell for, hook line and sinker his very own wife yet he believed it was a stranger. How foolish we mere humans are and can be. A lesson to be learned, online connections do not a love make. I stand by a very old saying “if you want to know me then come live with me” I am not proud that I undertook this desperate act but I thanked god I did so as it does not bare thinking about if I'd gone back to him, had been sucked in by him again, nothing would have changed except his confidence in believing he could attract and fall in love with complete strangers. I did not know I had it in me, pretend to be someone else but in hindsight wasn’t that how I lived my whole married life with him, mask on, chin up, we are a happy, in love couple. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
After I set up an e mail address as my new online persona, he and I chatted, all innocent and friendly at first, who was this man, my husband, and how could he treat me, his wife, so callously yet be so nice to a photograph, a stranger. If I was sane before I undertook this, I sure as hell did not feel sane afterwards, again my own fault. I am however the sanest person I know, what you see is what you get, any mask worn for the outside world soon slips as I converse and interact with others, I talk easily and honestly with anyone I meet, I am approachable, I go out of my way to chat to people I do not know, at bus stops, in shops, with professionals, I would go as far to say that I am far too honest for my own good so here I was, as an almost out of my mind woman back then, still trying to decipher the whys, the wherefores, the reasons my husband hated me behind my back yet declared love to my face, declared he wanted me to “please come home babe” The following took place over a mere five days, innocent introductions followed by my questioning : He provided five photo’s of MY children.
I asked why such a long marriage ended? He answered “I thought I could make it work, I thought I could ‘fix’ this poor woman who had been abandoned by every one in her life” That makes me sound like an abandoned dog or a broken woman who actually in fact possessed more bollix than any man I ever encountered or ever will do.
He wrote “I just could not walk away from her or the boys. I am sure that there is some cowardice and weakness mixed in as well” Walk away indeed he did or rather tossed away, ensured we had to leave, discarded us, had no more use for us.
There were many e mails and MSN online exchanges that provided me with the information that my head already knew but my heart refused to accept. He did indeed hate me.
Then on my birthday, the most romantic day of the year for many, I sent him a text wishing him a Happy Valentines Day from my alter ego and he replied “I knew all along it was you” He did not.
You do not tell your wife that having sex with her was like screwing a rag doll. Which was complete bollix and I never heard him complain to my face.
You do not tell your wife what a tragic novel her life has been.
You do not tell your wife how much you are looking forward to walking 500 miles (for a stranger) to celebrate this romantic day with a meal and a hotel stay when she got sod all on this same day for 17 years, especially when you left your wife and your children at midnight to walk alone in a strange city having just come off a flight that he could not be arsed to meet and so we were left stranded.
You do not tell your wife that your astrological compatibility was sex on fire and you could not wait to meet and do what you wanted to do.
You do not tell your wife how much you are in love with this woman despite never having met.
It made me feel physically sick the guff he was coming out with to what was in effect a complete stranger, yes, I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and jealous but for once kept my big fat mouth shut until I declared who he was really talking to. I did not gloat, I did not humiliate him, and I kept quiet because I had nothing further to say. It confused the hell out of me that he would talk to the real me by phone, all woe is him, how he was struggling, how he was not coping, how sick he felt. All his woe was he to me but Mr Bombastic to my alter ego.
I learned a huge lesson, be careful what you wish for, trust no one, do not join online dating sites and keep him the fuck away from me.
I began getting calls at all hours of the day and night from the ex to “sort this little c*** out” “make this little c*** get back to school before I get into big trouble” Eldest himself was contacting me when he wanted me to deal with his father or with his school, he was getting behind in class and had gone from a grade A student to detentions and eventually suspension. As I was in contact with him daily, he told me nothing of any of this until much later when he could not stand to be in the same room as his father, he later told me he did not want to hear me say “I told you so” When the truth came out I was fit for murder. I had to return for him, I was two weeks from sitting my college exams, Eldest wanted me to get my qualification then return for him so that I could work when I went back and he did not “have to live in poverty” but the calls and the texts and the emails were becoming far too frantic for me to stay for my exams. I contacted a service by email after I emailed a local Social Work Dept. nearest to my Eldest and asked they give him some assistance whilst I packed up to come back. All memories of what Eldest did and said to me and Youngest and his previous disloyalty by siding with the father who had never given a toss for him was buried but not forgotten. He's my son and he needed me so I came back for him.
Most nightmares you wake up from, I didn't as I was soon to find out. All I have written is a snapshot of the awful last few months of my marriage, if I wrote everything that happened over 17 years then a forest somewhere would have to have their tree's felled for the amount of paper that would be needed
Christmas was coming up and I was determined I was not going to miss out on my two sons being together, missing out on seeing my son’s open their Xmas presents.
When I informed him (not asked him) that I was coming over for the holidays, he told me “no your fucking not, I will contact my solicitor if you step a foot in this country” I told him to do whatever he had to do but I was returning for Xmas. The old me who would never be bullied was coming back. I was really dreading the visit but this was for my kids, he came to pick me up at the airport but there was no one there when we got out of the airport, as usual he was in the car park, he completely ignored me and Youngest but I was thrilled to see my Eldest and he was to see us, we were told to get in the back seat and I crossed my fingers for a peaceful over two hour journey to the house.
Youngest was chatting away to Eldest who was telling me all about school and the new Xmas tree he picked because they'd thrown out the tree that we normally used. Youngest got out his phone and texted me even though I was sitting right next to him “Nice of Dad to say hi to his son isn’t it” he was being sarcastic as the man had not uttered one word to his child.
The house was filthy and Husband said he was going to bed as he was “knackered” the kids were doing their own thing so I began cleaning, I was a guest in my own house and it felt very strange.
I took the kids and my dog a walk up the country lane and when we got back, he was up and asked if we were hungry and went out to the local shops and I made a grill for us all, he then went into the bath and I kept my smile on my face, my voice light and I acted as if all that was wrong with this fucked up situation could be handled by me.
I asked for a spare quilt as there were no spare beds and I knew I would be on the two seater couch but I would have slept upright to keep the peace, he did not reply so I asked again, he told me to “come into the bedroom and get it yourself” which I did do and he told me “not to be silly, you’ll break your back on that couch so get in here” I thought he was being decent but declined his offer, he grabbed my arm, said he wanted to talk but would not do so in front of the kids, (big change there I thought)
He was up and awake before me and was happy and normal and nice, had lit the fire, brought me breakfast, made plans for the holidays for us all, we were going to be a family, I really thought at last he realised what he had lost with me going and that everything was going to be okay, he wrote on a piece of paper “ If this is not love, real love then I do not know what is, we have to make this work, we need to make this work, I need and want her so much, I know that she loves me with all her heart”
A text came through on his phone, short, clipped, demanding, he gave a very loud audible sigh, I asked if I could help, he told me no, it was a woman he had helped for free with her computer and she saw them now as best friends, I was not to worry though as she was married and there was nothing going on, the texts however did not stop the whole night, she had a virus problem that apparently was a life or death situation and she wanted answers now. He was getting stressed out, then she rang him, I answered, she demanded to speak to him, I said he was busy, it was the Xmas holidays and he wasn't working and was spending time with his family, “my Husband will get back to you when he restarts work” I said. “Oh you call him your Husband now do you, I know all about you and he was dreading you coming over, he and your son do not want you there, do not need you there, in fact he was talking to me this morning before he collected you and said if he could have you stopped at the airport he would” I was furious, I did not know this person, she did not know me, all she had heard was the fury of a man whose wife had left him, my reply was “Off course I still call him my Husband as we are married, that’s what you must call your spouse. I said my son, not that it's any of your business is delighted to see his mum and his brother and I'm not interested in having any more conversation with you at all”
Husband appeared worried, he told me she's become a good friend and support but he was finding her overbearing and demanding at times, I told him to speak to her but he said he could not as his nerves could not take it.
Eldest came into the bedroom and asked could he talk to me in private, so off we went a walk. He told me that this new friend had apparently repaid dad for repairing her computer with a meal cooked and delivered to the house by her and that her and dad both got drunk as skunks but she still tried to get in her car and drive home and dad had taken the keys off her and called her a cab and that her own husband had left her so she saw dad as a kindred spirit. All this had apparently taken place on a Sunday morning and I was furious, not at any friendship they had made but the fact that they were both drinking in the house, in the day time and in front of my son, I could imagine if this was what I had done with a male friend I had just met and brought back to the house for a booze fest then I am sure that Husband would be calling in social workers etc. Eldest then said that the woman worried him as he'd read when she was talking to Dad on MSN her typing that she “loves Eldest like her own” he said “I thought that was a strange thing for anyone to say, she does not even know me but I get on okay with her son” I took matters into my own hands and sent her an email asking her what she was doing coming to my house, which it still was, getting blind drunk and them both slagging me off and having my poor son stuck in the middle and having to agree whenever Dad said a bad thing about me as he would ask son for confirmation. She then replied saying sorry, regarding her previous drunken writings but that I should look to my own family for their lack of loyalty and that my husband was shouting from the roof tops about every year of our marriage and all that was wrong with his wife, all this to people who do not know me and this fact cut into me like a knife, this new pretend perfect husband off mine who was declaring love to me this very day was still at his lies and bullshit that sprouted so easily from his lips. He was like a cat on a hot tin roof, jumpy and nervous, he probably thought that I would never have found out about any of this and he did the only thing he knew how to, he reacted as he always did, he blamed me, and stormed out the house on Xmas eve to work he said even though he had told me he was now on holiday, same old, same old. I decided nothing was going to spoil my time with my children together.
He returned at 8pm. I was in the bath, he apparently did not say a word until Eldest got annoyed with Youngest over a laptop, he wanted on it and wanted Youngest “off it NOW” Husband then stepped in shouting at Eldest to leave Youngest alone and to give him five more minutes to finish what he was doing and all hell broke loose. I jumped out of bath on hearing screaming, shouting and swearing, I got told by Husband that he was defending Youngest. Youngest said “that'll be a first then” Eldest was screaming that dad had taken a flying kick at the back of his thigh and almost toppled him into an open lit fire when all he was doing was doing was what he was told “going into my fucking bedroom” he admitted slamming the lid of the laptop down and trying to forcibly remove it from his brother, Husband denied any such thing happened and chaos resumed, Husband emptied the wardrobe of all his belonging, then told me “your welcome to the house and those little fucking psychopaths, good luck with them, you always put those little c**** before me, you always believed them over me” I was stunned. I talked to Eldest and Youngest independently to get the full story and although Youngest was still angry at Eldest, they both told me the same thing.
Husband by now was sitting in the car with the engine running and drinking from a full bottle of Baileys which we had got in for Xmas, he also had his usual four cans of cider on his lap, 200 cigarettes on the dash board and was smoking away like a chimney. I knocked on the car window, advised him not to drive whilst drinking and he said he would be fine, that he was not going anywhere and just wanted to be left alone.
He stayed in that car till 3am, he did not get up Xmas morning, only I went to watch my kids open their presents which they did in their bedroom and he stayed in his own room alone.
When he did get up he was dressed and he kept his jacket on the whole day, he said “in case you started” He went out a few times to god knows where and I found sheets of paper about building confidence in children ages 5 years, he had apparently joined a course on the subject with all mothers and no other men and on the back of these sheets of paper he had scribbled down his thoughts whilst he sat drinking the baileys in the car all Xmas Eve, calling us every name under the sun.
I tried again to get Eldest to leave with us and again he said no. Eldest declared that it was because of me that Dad was acting like he was, I knew I had to wait till Eldest decided he had enough of his father, how he could not see it after all that had just happened I will never know, but perhaps I do as in his eyes yet again just like his father it was ALL MY FUCKING FAULT. One day the child will come to his senses.
Youngest and I had flights to go back to London on the 4th January but I got us a ferry booking and we returned to London on the 1st January.
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