I am stuck in a loop that I wish to extricate myself from so here's hoping I can do so with the purging of all I wish to purge.
It's not pretty, it's not nice, it's not perfect, it is imperfect with imperfect souls and imperfect people and imperfect parents and lies and deceit and mistrust and abuse and lives that should not have realised as they had but they did.
I am nobody, just another soul passing thru this thing we call life. We all have a story to tell. And I will tell mine because I want to, because I need to and perhaps I can then become UNSTUCK but I doubt it because ingrained in us all is those voices we grew up with, those negativities we all heard.
I believe the shit that is shoveled our way makes us the people we are today.
I believe I am good, I believe I have always been good, I have to because what is the alternative. That I am not good. No siree not in my vocabulary, thank you very much but those were the voices that held me back, put me down, would wish me to believe and not a chance in hell will I believe but still, I hear them and still they haunt me but honestly I do believe I did my best, my very best, only time will eventually tell and I may not have much of that left. Time....
Life is a mystery. Life can be wonderful. Life can be fabulous. Life can be tough. Life can be hard. Life can be absolutely miserable. Unfortunately.
We are all capable of being a Phoenix rising from the flames repeatedly. If we want to. But some of us cannot. I rose many times from flames and I choose not to do so any more. It's not laziness. That word has never been in my vocabulary. EVER.
It's ISOLATION and ALONENESS that has caused this. Not loneliness. I am not lonely. I am alone and I am in isolation that I cannot for the life of me (pardon the pun) get out of.
This is MY problem.
I love soaps: Like Coronation Street and East Enders and I could never work out why until recently. They sometimes bore the living tits out of me. But it's the community spirit I love about them. I wish to Christ I had that here but I don't and I never will. It is fiction after all.
I am the most confident, assertive, funniest, never short of conversation and empathetic person who just loves people warts and all.
But MY outer demons who entered my inner psyche has all but destroyed me.
I love to laugh, sing and dance. I know the lyrics of ever song I ever heard from the sixties onwards.
I went to a furniture shop in Ireland and the salesman and I did that move where we couldn't get out of one another's way so I jokingly said “shall we dance” and he held out his arms and we waltzed around his shop. That's the kind of person I am or rather I was. It was a crazy moment, it was fantastic and there has been many of them thru out my life
Life used to just ooze out of me. It know longer does. I just have a tale to share. It's not pretty. It's not nice. It's all over the place but it's my tale to tell. And tell it I will.
I aim to name and shame all those who do not want the truth to be known. Unlike them I do not give a shit. (I forgot to mention I like to swear... A lot)
In Ireland the HSE and other so called professionals think they are a law unto themselves. They're not. I can prove all that I post is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It will not get me anywhere but it will do me good having others read it.
It does not start out with professionals. It starts out with the end of my marriage and how I ended up an emotional wreck that I never fully recovered from.
I went to counselling for a long time. It kind of helped but when I read this it made everything else I heard “defunct”
At it's worst, gaslighting leads to major depression, with formerly strong, vibrant women reduced to abject misery and self-hatred”
This was from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5489585/Gaslighting-modern-dating-trend-leave-damaged.html
This is me. Years of tears, fears, inner. outer, upper, below. In one fell swoop, one sentence “captured me” and captured, caught and fraught I have felt for ever more.
Do not become me. Do not be like me. Do not be that formerly strong, vibrant woman reduced to abject misery and self-hatred” DO NOT BE THIS PERSON I AM NOW. PLEASE DO NOT BE THIS PERSON. PLEASE DO NOT BE ME.
Life does really fly past in a flash and before you know it.... It happened to you and you put up or shut up and I was never one to shut up once I found my voice. But it wasn't always this way for me.
So here I am and here it is and these are my words...That person I was, pathetic, apathetic, dejected, rejected, desperate and unloved.
And just like I am, I can yap for ever, my journals are long and go on for ever, unlike me now. This was me... Warts and all.
My journals are FACTS as happened followed by the emotions I felt at the time
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What can I say. I was a very emotional person. I still am. I cry at anything. Ads on the TV, my thoughts, a sad tale. I am a crier and I make no apologies for it. I am human after all
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I was always a person that listened to talk radio when I lived in London. Now I'm in Ireland I always listen to Niall Boylan at Classic Hits 4FM and those two entertaining nutters in the morning that make me smile from 6AM. PJ and Jim.
I have a very small circle of friends who love me, as I love them. They held me up and kept me afloat and they know me, my goodness and my faults and they are TRUE friends who I would never burden with how I truly feel. I keep up the banter. I keep things light and funny.
My “days” are getting shorter. I can't be arsed any more. I am bored. I am boring. My “life” has no life any more and hasn't for a long time now but there is a good reason for my mind set which is not only my physical health.
If I could give anyone advice it would be... Keep your friends close. And your family closer. Nothing else on earth matters
Take no shit Sherlock from anyone, no matter how shy you are. Stay true to yourself, do no harm, tell no lies (apart from if your friend asks you if her ass looks huge when she's a size 20, be kind tho)
Take no pain or abuse from anyone. This is your life. You have the right to be happy in your own life.
No one has the right to control you or bully you or abuse you or talk about you or talk down to you or criticise you. You will do enough of that to yourself, you do not really need anyone else to add to your own inner voice.
Kick that shitty inner voice out. Banish that thought, Banish that feeling....
And never let outer shitty voices PUT YOU DOWN. They only do that to make themselves feel BIG and BETTER. No one will ever be bigger or better than you are.
Keep the faith (as Bon Jovi sang) and I don't mean spiritually. Keep the faith in YOU. If you do not like/ love you it's because someone, somewhere planted that seed in you. Please do not EVER water that seed. Weed that fecking seed out and replant.
You are good enough. You are special enough. You are loved enough. Find your inner strength. Find all the good things inside yourself to feck your demons out.
If you're young and on Social Media, mentally burn those trolls that hound you and put you down, they're not worth a shit. Hidden computer warriors are there for a reason, they don't have the gonads or the balls or the vagina's to show themselves. They are cowards. Cowards, cower, so you stand tall and proud and do not let anyone put you down.
You are good enough.
You are on earth for a short time, believe me, my almost 60 years has gone by in a flash.
My “flash” is here
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